Noddy #17

I wait a full day & a half for Noddy to have a clear head to message me… I am definitely not going to write to him now, I chat in the group as usual, I used to stop chatting when things weird with us, I even did that with Noodle, but fuck Noddy, I am not stopping something I enjoy! Shark told me that back with Noodle, I will take that advice now!

“I really don’t know how to say this in general but I’ll do my best in not trying to hurt you at all here…

I understand we had plans to stuff Saturday night, and I’m sorry that yeah you did get dropped in my priorities because I felt I had a bigger obligation to help a friend out in a shit situation instead of going out & leaving her alone in her mess…

& I understand your disappointment… But it’s who I am for my friends. I will always be there for them.

I’ve had so much going on you wouldn’t believe…

A friend commit suicide. Mother leave her husband… & I’m being there for them all.

So much so that I haven’t been home in days.

& I don’t know if we should keep doing this because all I do is disappoint you when I bail, & obviously it hurts but it’s just who I am. Maybe I am not good for you at all.”

Ok that’s not what I was expecting… Lets break it down, Yes I told him I was disappointed about him bailing but I also explained that I understand what he’s doing for her (If I believe her story) because I’ve done it several times & I said that I understood that he had to be there for her – I was never upset about him being there for her… But I obviously show that I was disappointed, because I was, I don’t want him to think I don’t care because I do want to see him…

But he hasn’t even talked to me, he’s ignored me for day… I mean yeah bail because you have something more important to attend to, be there for your friend, I understand that, I even said to him that I would do the same but for him to read my messages & not reply at all, then post cuddling snapchats with another chick in your bedroom & then say that you’ve not been home… Something is fishy here…

He’s also basically saying in that message that I will always be his second priority… I’ve been going through some shit this last week too & could’ve used his friendship, not him ghosting me… I thought he said a few days ago that he would be there for me if I needed him? Well this week has been fucked, my boss is micromanaging me to the point I cried, Max is also contacting me for fuck knows what reason & one of my best friends mum just died a couple of weeks after she had her baby. So yeah, I know what it’s like to need someone… But Noddy doesn’t even know any of this, he hasn’t even messaged me to see how I am… Ok, I know I sound selfish, but I matter too… Don’t I? I get he’s got a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean he can’t just message me. I messaged to see how he was, he didn’t even read it…

Another thing, I know nothing about ‘mother leaving her husband’, not sure what that means, his mother leaving his dad that he works for? Or a friends mother? What does he mean with that? I will probably never know…

As for saying he hasn’t been home in days, I call bullshit on that, he fucking posted a snapchat 2 nights ago in his bed (I know his quilt cover) with another chick, shirtless & cuddling like he did with me, so don’t pull that bullshit on me! He’s also posted snaps cuddling her the next night at his house, so what a fucking load of crap. I know that he’s probably saying it like a metaphor, but this still doesn’t stop him from sending me a quick message! Does it?

Saying that he doesn’t know if we should keep doing this is basically his way of trying to break up with me (If that’s even what’s he’s trying to do here) but making me do it… Why the fuck in the world do I not want too? Why do I want to reply & try to work on this….? Can we take a break & see what happens when things settle down for both of us? Should I just walk away from this, knowing we want different things? What the fuck Am I thinking here?

I don’t know what to write back, I know I don’t really want to have a text war, I mean it was shit that I only got emails with Noodle when we ended & that killed me… I want to see him but I’m afraid to see him… I’m afraid that he’ll say he doesn’t want to see me to sort it out, which I guess then is my answer…

I wake up the next morning really early again, fuck I hate not being able to sleep because he’s on my mind! I don’t know if I want to see him anymore… I draft him a message as I head to the dr’s… thinking this was the day I was going to ask him to have an STI check so we could stop using condoms…

“Thanks for your message.

Last night when I got it, all I wanted to do was meet up with you, to discuss this like adults & work on it because I really like you – a lot more than I ever thought I could…

But re reading it, I think it’s a bit of a cop out. The way I see it, it’s not up to you to decide if you’re good for me or not, that’s my decision. Your decision is if you want to make the effort with me or not…

I never said to you that you shouldn’t be there for your friends & not bail on me, I would be there for my friends too. So I don’t know where that is coming from. The problem is how you’ve acted since you bailed!!

I told you that I would drop everything if my best friend ever needed me, so I completely understand what you need to do with a DV survivor, more than you realise…

I get you’ve got a lot going on, I didn’t expect you to see me, but a reply to my message considering you say you like me so much, wouldn’t go astray! Just a little reassurance that I mean something to you.

However I’m not sure what to believe with you anymore… You’ve been clearly trying to send me a subtle message with your cuddly snapchats, knowing I would see them & it would hurt me…

That is so disrespectful & even though we’re not exclusive, you that knowing I would see it. That was premeditated to hurt me… I never thought you were that type of person. I honestly thought you were more mature than that… Everyone has been telling me what a good guy you are & I should give you a chance, but really Noddy, you didn’t need to snapchat those moments at all.

& now she’s on the chat app & in my group… Could you rub it in my face anymore? I won’t delete any of you because I do like Demon, but any sign of drama or disrespect & you’re all out.

I’m so fucking stupid for falling for your smooth lines – so many lines… that song you wrote… you acting like you like me… giving me your jumper… everything you did… I feel like a fucking fool..”

I actually wonder now, how much of it was real? I wonder if any of it was real? I also decide that after I send that message that I am going to send him this blog via email for him to read my side… Read it & understand why I have acted like I did… This was not an isolated event, Noddy has been bailing for weeks on every date we’ve made just about… I am pissed that all he’s taken from my messages is that I am annoyed he bailed… I don’t deny that I am upset he bailed – that wasn’t a deal breaker, but I am more upset about how he’s acted since he bailed… Not messaging me & sending sexy snapchats of someone else – regardless of if they are friends or lovers… He’s really fucked up by doing that… This was salvageable with a conversation with me about how pissed he is that I made him feel like shit when he bailed… But instead of talking to me about it, he chooses to send snapchats…

I hope that one day Noddy & I can be friends… I really liked him… I enjoyed spending time with him… But I can’t get the images out of my head of how cosy he is with her… I was always jealous of Demon, so I am not sure I can be the bigger person here over this chick when he is acting not interested in me anymore. I hope that he has the courage to read this & reply to me, but I’m not certain he will…

I guess like Noodle & I, the timing just isn’t right! I guess a silver lining, is that I’ve lost 4kgs in a week from not eating again! Hahaha… Yeah… Not funny!

Fuck I’m sad that chapter is over…

#IBD4U