The next day Noddy & I are talking about the creepy dude at Switch, he’s talking about punching him if I need him too, but I can handle the guy, I think he’s harmless – a bit of a voyeur if anything. We also talk about the fact his jumper was on my bed & I walked into the room & that I thought he was in there because it smells like him so much, I was actually expecting him to jump out & scare me… I don’t even know how that would be possible unless he broke into my house, which is pretty much impossible unless you break a window. I say that he only wants to scare me because he knows I’ll cuddle him afterwards, he says “Ahaha, yeah fuck oath I do.. hahaha I love your cuddles” Again the L word even though in that context, catches my breath.
It’s mother’s day (so we’re up to May 2019 for those keeping tabs on how close to real life we are…) & we chat quite a lot back & forth, we’re talking about him being a bogan & drinking milk out of the carton, we start talking about our families, he says “Ahaha, you are such a yobbo. Fucking hell, I didn’t doubt you weren’t a bogan for a second, love” I laugh at that, & I say that I am the black sheep but I come from a low socio-economical background, trying to open up the dialogue a bit to remind him I’m just like him, I say that it looks like I’ve got it all together, but I don’t. I’m not posh like I think he thinks I am. I don’t want him to think I am better than him, I don’t want it to be like Noodle how he thought he couldn’t be with me because my house is so clean… I want Noddy to know he can fit into my life if we go down that path. Oddly he never reads the message but he keeps chatting in the group about game of thrones… I am kind of crestfallen about that, I was trying to open up & go a bit deeper with him. I guess maybe that he doesn’t want us to go deep just yet. He never reads the message the whole next day… I think WTF? This is another day now since we worked stuff out that we didn’t talk. I hate that… It makes it awkward again… I guess that’s why the arrangement with Noodle worked so well, we never had this bullshit of who messaged who first – though by the time I was 13 blog posts in I was probably in love with Noodle but pretending I wasn’t… It’s not quite the same with Noddy.
Tuesday morning, Noddy messages me “Morning gorgeous. Hope you have a good day at work. I’m rooted I haven’t slept in 2 days… I just can’t sleep. Gonna go to the docs after work. If I make it that far.” I refuse to read it all day, I am really busy at work anyway so I don’t have time but I am being really stubborn & playing a stupid game. But FUCK! When I open this message I see that my previous message about my history still hasn’t been read… WTF? I send him a screenshot & say “Afternoon… sorry had a flat out day. Why haven’t you slept? & oddly my message never sent Sunday night, you never read it?” He sends me a screenshot back, showing me that he didn’t receive it & I realise that the chat app is just trying to ruin my life!! FUCK, now I feel so bad for not checking the message earlier… I tell him that I thought it was weird that he never even looked at the message & was chatting in my group. He says “Yeah I was like ok did I offend her with my yoboo or was it the love?”
I tell him how shit work has been for me lately & he offers his help, but there is nothing he can do, I had some annual leave that wasn’t approved which has pissed me off a lot & some depressing news about moving teams, which I didn’t want to do, I just wanted to stop travelling as much – because that ruins my dating life. But things were happening without me being consulted & I am not happy about it…
I am in the bath as we have this conversation & I do something so unprecedented for me & send him a full nude I the bath… I never send full nudes, I must trust this guy a lot… Noodle is the only guy to get a full nude of me… “Oh fuck… damn girl… U fine as fuck ahaha” I smile, that’s just the reaction I wanted! The reaction I needed!
When I get out the bath, because things are good, I put his jumper on, I love the smell of it… I send him a picture “Ahahaha… cute as fuck… is my jumper good?” I tell him that it barely covers my butt but is massive on me, he says he needs to see that & I can’t wait to wear it around him… I ask him if he wants panties or no panties, when he says panties, I don’t know why I am surprised by that choice. Then we start talking about the lingerie he’s fucked me in & I send him a bunch of pictures “Oh damn. Fucking hell woman you are stunning” or “You look fucking good in white” (Noodle always loved me in white) or “OMG fucking hell, you are… mmmmm… Damn.” He tells me that I am not helping because he is in the lounge room, rising!
I wake up in the morning & I decide to send him a message first – I don’t want any of these stupid games again…. I’m 37 FFS! He tells me that he’s had a bad morning, that a mate took his own life last night… OH FUCK… This is going to be tough for him, bring up memories & also make him feel like he should’ve known & done something… I’m glad I wasn’t a stubborn bitch this morning & refusing to message him! I obviously offer anything I can including a cuddle after work, he says he’d love one & I hope that he does come over to my house tonight. He says he’d love to see me but he’ll see how he goes. I tell him that I wish there was more I could do but I won’t judge if he wants a cuddle & a cry. He says “Thanks heaps #IBD4U, it means heaps… more than you realise” he tells me that what hit him the most was what everyone would’ve been life if he went through with killing himself… I get that people would’ve been heartbroken, I say even me now, I’d be really upset too.
He posts a message to everyone in the group & it just makes me want to go to his work & hug him “Morning all, Just FYI For anyone & everyone. If you ever need someone to listen, chat to or even just have a fat rant about something my inbox is always open. My real point here is there is no reason to fight life on ur own… there are people that will help you, even if you think there isn’t. I’ll be here… You might not feel like talking to me. But please reach out to someone. I love you all. You are all amazing.” Wow. he’s a genuinely good guy!
We talk throughout the day, I also see in the group that he’s going to get smashed & smoke cones tonight with his friend, so I guess he’s not coming over, I am disappointed that I’m not the one he turns to lean on, but I get it. He doesn’t come over but we chat. I try to distract him with the outfit that I had delivered for the next Switch. I like that I can make plans with him, knowing things are so much better for us… (OMG I’m saying ‘us’) We’re going with the flow, but also planning & really working on the communication a lot more. I send him a picture of me in the new outfit & he sends a gif with googley eyes popping out their head. I then show him some lingerie that I could wear underneath & he picks a black & gold set. I suggest knee high tights, which I’m not sure I have so I go digging around in the draw & put some on sending him a picture of me knee high stocking. I say that I won’t be able to get tied in this outfit, but then ask if he’s ok with me being tied by Ripples, because I don’t want it to be weird for him. He tells me that at first it was but he’s open to it.
I explain it’s just a rope thing with me & Ripples, that I liked Noddy watching me but I didn’t want him to be weirded out. “Haha, yeah… nah.. I understand, and it really is ok.. it wasn’t too weird.. just him thirsting on you haha… oh damn, I’m jealous” OH FUCK I don’t want him to be jealous. I remember how jealous Noodle got when men chatted to me & how I had to talk him around so many fucking times, that I don’t want to have that with Noddy… But as I always say, jealously is an emotion of the fear of losing something… So I now know that Noddy is scared to lose me! I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about & I tell him that I am into someone else… hehehe. “Oh I know… nah, it’s not like bad, bad. But like, it’s just u can see him about to start drooling starting at ur vag laying down hoping for a waft of it.” Bahaha… That’s so funny. I know Ripples can be full on, so I reassure Noddy, I only want him… I have to admit to myself, I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth, but it did… I can be very loyal when it comes to seeing guys, I guess part of the reason is the plan to get to a point of not wearing condoms, but I actually really like this guy… He’s a decent human being & I am keen to see where it goes with him! Everyone likes him in the group, I like him, he’s a really good guy, we just have communication issues to sort out, but that’s nothing we can’t fix!