Oh I’m sorry to those settling down with their morning coffee again, this isn’t a long one today… #SpoilerAlert!

Chatting to a guy after the failed attempt of British… I mean how am I still online dating after the things I’ve been through this year?! It’s only June 2019 FFS!! Even the things I have been through in the last 2 years, how am I still doing this to myself? Missing the man that I am still in love with – trying to forget & fall out of love with, being broken up with via snapchat & now a man runs back to the UK after spinning me so much bullshit! Seriously, how does this stuff keep happening to me? Do I invite it? I get some of it could be things I do, but seriously, not all of it! Surely?! How am I still doing this to myself? Why am I online…?

Anyway I chat to this guy Athlete, who looks amazing, tanned, toned, athletic that I honestly think this guy is too good for me, he won’t want someone like me, average sized, average looks, apparently average personality.

We chat a bit & we get along quite well, he’s witty & cheeky, I really enjoy the banter again. I tell him that I’m short & not fit like him & he says that I have a killer body & that we should catch up & compate tans. However he lives quite far south from me, in a small coastal town, so he’s not down in Adelaide a lot, however we’re chatting one day when he says that he’s in Adelaide & asks if I want to catch up for drinks. I get ready in record time, trying to look like this is how I always look, not like I got ready to meet him.

He says that he’s a professional surfer & so he’s always out in the sun & quite fit. Well definitely from his pictures he looks fit & tanned from being in the sun. I am actually quite worried about meeting his guy to be honest.

We go to the usual local pub by me that I usually pick & it’s cold, so I sit inside with a wine waiting for him to rock up. When I look up I see a guy bee lining it for me & I think FUCK!

Athlete does not look like his pictures at all… Not even close… I usually say the opposite, better than his pictures, but this guy is not. I can tell that it’s him, even though his photos are probably from 1998… I’m 100% sure that they are well over 10 years old or more! Standing in front of me is a blonde guy that is now greying & thinning, he’s wearing glasses, his teeth are really crooked, he is not tanned, not even a little, he has a little gut – there would be a lot of work to do to get those abs in the picture back & while I don’t judge people on their beer bellies or their outfits & I know he’s come from his friend’s house, not knowing he was going to be meeting me & as he lives far away, he hasn’t gone home to change, but he rocks up in a tracksuit. A fucking god damn tracksuit! Ok let’s not judge, But how old are those fucking pictures?!

Anyway this date is a complete bore, not only does this guy not look at all similar to his did 10 years ago in his pictures, he is a big dull dud. I struggle to keep the conversation going, asking so many questions about his surfing, that I don’t give a fuck about to be quite honest but he can’t seem to talk about anything else nor does he ask me any questions about me or my interests. I try to talk about kayaking as it’s a hobby of mine, it’s on water so at least a little similar to surfing, but I barely get a conversation going before I am just vaguigng out as there are very little responses.

Where is the guy I chatted too so easily online?! How can he change so much? I don’t get it… I mean I understand people have online personalities, but I think mine is pretty much the same in real life. Witty, funny & cheeky… I don’t change online to real life (Maybe that’s my problem! Hahaha) but this guy, my god, it is hard work to keep talking too!

Athlete friendship first

Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he doesn’t think I look like my pictures (though I can verfy that I’ve been told by everyone I’ve ever asked that I do look like my pictures) or maybe my personality is overwhelming because I am compensating for the dead fish in front of me not talking?!

I am fucking bored!

This is shit…

I fake a dinner engagement & leave after one drink, he offers a second drink but I say no, I have to go, also implying for him that he has a long drive a head of him to get home. I am so bored I’ve been counting bottles in the bar display. 32. Yes – 32.

Obviously my personality wasn’t the problem as he tries to chat to me online later that night, telling me to enjoy my dinner & that my skirt was cute (Actually he did a fingers emoji that represents looking good). A few days later as I don’t really give him much, saying he had a good time & that he’d like to do it again. I reply for a few times, not wanting to be rude but in the end I delete him. What is the point, I am never going to see him again, I mean I wouldn’t put my worst enemy though a date like that, why would I put myself through it?

This brings up an interesting point though, is online dating giving us the ability to just be whoever we want to be?! I am always scared that my online personality or the chemistry you feel with someone won’t translate to an in-person relationship or chemistry. With Noodle obviously it did but other men, I have sometimes struggled with it. I’m not blaming them at all, I mean I could be the problem, I am part of the problem at least I mean clearly I’m hard to date or I wouldn’t have men running back to the UK to stop seeing me. Hahaha…


British #3

The next day, Monday, back to work but for the first time in a long time I wake up & my first thought isn’t Noodle, my second thought isn’t Noddy either. It’s all about British. I expect to hear from him on the way to work on through out the day but nothing. I can’t help but grin thinking about him & the weekend. I know we only met on Saturday but I do feel a little something & don’t think he would be messaging me so much on the weekend if he wasn’t interested too. Surely?!

I don’t hear from him all day & of course I refuse to message him. When I’m talking excitedly to a friend over lunch, she asks me to show her his photo. She agrees he’s cute. I go out for dinner with another friend who sees my glow of excitement of having met a man that I may like & could possible date seriously… He’s talked about seeing me again so I’m certain he will. Out for dinner, my friend wants to see what this guy looks like, maybe I’m talking him up too much… I click on the dating app & notice that he is 10000kms away… WTF?! My jaw must drop open because my friend gasps “What?” I can’t stop staring at the 10000kms away, at lunch it still said 4kms away! FUCK… I show my friend my phone & explain that he was 4kms away & now he’s 10000kms away. She googles ‘What is 10000kms from Adelaide?’ the number one answer is Dubai…. OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level. He’s gone back to the UK. Jesus fucking Christ… My friend tells me to calm down that maybe something happened, an emergency & he’s had to go home. I literally sit there laughing my head off… I am not so optimistic, I mean this is my life after all. As if there will be any other explanation besides he was here on a holiday & fucking lied his ass off… Jesus. I’m so stupid.

British root of heartache

Later that night I check the app again & he’s now 16000kms away. I google & that is London. I literally burst out laughing at home alone… I look at my cat & say like the crazy cat lady that I am becoming “What the Actual Fuck Peppa!” She’s looking at me like a nutcase since I just burst out laughing while the whole house is silent – so much so she jumps. I literally cannot believe this is happening to me. I mean I thought that a guy ending things with via snapchat only a couple of weeks earlier would be the highlight of my dating life in 2019, here we are not even halfway though & I have a guy flying to another country to get away from me! Fucking hell… I know I’m hard to date, I mean clearly I am or I wouldn’t have a fucking blog, however, a guy travelling 16000kms just to get away from me, it’s just fucking hilarious!

I decide to send him a message, knowing that he is back in the UK, but I just send “Hey how’s your day been.” He sends back when I’m asleep later that night “Hello scrumptious, not bad, yours?” I have to laugh at the scrumptious comment, I just write back that I was in bed early & asked what he got up too. I don’t get a reply but I find out another interesting part to this story…

So get this…. When I tell J-Lo, he asks me to send him a picture of this guy, I ask him why because it’s not like J-Lo to just ask for a picture of a random dude… He says just send me one, which I do & he says that it’s not the guy he thought it was, it’s ok. Later in that day J-Lo messages me again & says on second thought he actually knows someone living 4kms from me in that suburb, who is sleeping in his spare room as he just broke up with his mrs & they’re selling the house so she was house sitting & he was away from work & had his friend staying with him from the UK. J-Lo also confirms that the Netflix name is his friends name… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… So my thoughts are confirmed, British is a liar! What are the fucking odds, J-Lo built the fence of the house I just fucked on the kitchen bench at… Hahaha… I ask J-Lo if he’s going to tell his friend & he says no because he’d then have to explain where he knows me from! What a fucking complicated life I lead…

So I send British a message, I know from what my friend says that I don’t have the full story, but I know in my gut that this guy has lied to me… J-Lo has confirmed what I already knew… There is too much weird stuff here, to keep justifying that he hasn’t. Noodle made me feel like a fool, I hate feeling foolish & right now I feel even more foolish!

“So I worked something out about you… Saturday night there were a few weird things about your story but I didn’t think too much into it…
First it was your name on Netflix, I just assumed people use fake names to protect their identity… No big deal
I didn’t think much of the white wine you talked about a lot & it not being in the fridge prior to my visit…
You sleeping in the spare room & telling me it was the master bedroom (knew that was a lie but didn’t think much of it)
The next day swapping to a chat app, but your UK number is still being used after being in Aust for 5 months?
At 12pm you were going to catch an Uber to my house after drinking the leftover wine… How drunk could you have been? Thought it a bit strange but could’ve been legit….
I also thought it was a bit weird you had so many sauces & spices being you’d only been here a short time (I saw while you were fingering me on the kitchen bench)

Telling my friend about you over dinner last night, I look at your dating profile to see that you’re 100009kms away… She googled & that’s Dubai… That’s when I realised you were lying to me… Fuck you lied alot!!

So I messaged you to see if you’d lie some more… Because this is next level for me…

So… I was telling my best guy friend about the lies & he says “I know a guy called (Insert Netflix fake name here) who’s sleeping in his spare room, show me his pic” I did & he said you’re not his friend. Phew.
This morning he tells me that he’s thought about it & the story matches his friend…
His friend called (Insert Netflix fake name here) has just broken up with his GF, but who is in the master bedroom while he sleeps in the spare room, but is away for work at the moment & she’s housesitting…

Also Adelaide is like a small country town… Everyone knows everyone..

I seriously can’t believe how many lies you told me… You do realise you could’ve been honest with me! Why would you talk about future times you’d see me if you’re never going see me again?!”

Fuck I feel like a fucking idiot right now! How did I not see this coming?!

Of course when he reads it he apologises & says that he didn’t want it to just be a weekend thing & he was already thinking of ways in which he could come back to see me (yeah right!). I ask if he was going to tell me & he says no. I ask what he would’ve said when I asked to see him again & he said he would’ve made some excuse. Fucking hell men are so lucky I’m not crazy, what if I went back to his house & found his friend there?! Like some people are just so stupid…

“I guess I have been caught out. I figured if I said I was going home, we maybe wouldn’t of never met. I apologise. It’s all shit & I got carried away. I’m not proud of that, but am still glad we have met.” Well I am fucking annoyed now, I get that he lied to get me to meet him, but he sat there & lied to my face as I asked question after question about his move here & him building his house – he answered every question without batting an eyelid. He even told me about how he catches the train & how long it takes, what road he works on & when we talked about foxtel, he even told me how much “he” pays for it… He offered up so much info, that it’s just fucking nuts how many lies he told to get fucked… I mean he could’ve said that he was going home to my face… I didn’t realise that when he said he was going for curry on Sunday night, he was going to be getting it on Emirates. Hahaha.

He says “I didn’t want to leave as it is & already thinking & plotting for when I come back. I am genuinely sorry. I was making it worse for myself in the end. I actually like you, I think we clicked & everything other than the bullshit was deadly true & I’m sure you believe at least one thing, I enjoyed our time together a lot xx” Fucking hell, why are men such smooth talkers…

I ask him if he ever comes back here or travel here for work, & what was real? “I don’t but I am seriously thinking about coming out again x. I love the way of life out there & I also felt like we did connect. Something unusual for me too. I really had a lot of fun making you cum #IBD4U. Sorry for all the bullshitI ask him what was actually true, he tells me his name, age & sends me a link to a website where he is listed as a buyer in London on. His picture is up there with a profile, but I am not sure what I even believe now.

We continue to chat & he sends me voice messages with his sexy dripping British accent, fuck I hate it makes me melt… JERK! Hahaha. We messages for a few weeks, sending pictures & voice messages, He sends me the worst every dick picture I have ever seen, he’s sitting on the toilet with his cock poking into the toilet… LIKE DUDE!!!!

Because of the time difference, when I am in bed, he’s getting up & driving to work hard at things I send him, it’s kinda fun. He sends me pictures of him at a wedding & we just chat, mostly just turning each other on, 16000kms apart!

The chatting becomes more & more sporadic, but it did go on pretty regularly for a month or so & we eventually stop, I then seen he’s changed his profile picture to him & a chick, so assuming he’s got a girlfriend… Well that’s another one that gets a girlfriend straight after sort of dating me…

Why am I always the fluffer?!



When the couple from the play party that I’ve been hanging out a bit with, invite my friend & I away for the June long weekend to the house they hire on Hindmarsh Island, I think why not – I’m skipping a head a bit here, we’ll go back to the rest of May! I have been though so much lately that I need some RnR. (Rest & Relaxation). This will be a good time to just chill out. However I have a work function & can’t go up on the Friday night, so I plan to go up on the Saturday afternoon. This was also not a good idea at the private play party, but this will be different, I know everyone going to be there.

I am unsure if the couple want to play with us or what they want out of this weekend, but I am going to enjoy myself & really have a good relaxing few wines with some cheese. I will deal with any advances if they happen. They haven’t hit me up again to have sex with them, so I don’t think that’s what this weekend is about, I am happy to just be friends with them.

Saturday morning, I message to say I’ll be on my way & I hear that there has been some drama on the Friday night… Oh FFS. As if I need more drama in my life.

My friend calls me to tell me that the couple are both seeing people & these 2 extras were both invited up also this weekend too. I knew about the guy but not the chick. Well apparently the chick went a bit nuts, including calling lifeline in the corner of the room. My friend ended up dropping her home but then she said he sexually harassed her & went even more nuts. He & his wife went to the police just to be safe & showed them the text messages. But neither had much sleep that night. The guy that was there with the couple – let’s call him Krav, I never got to meet as he had to go home to his daughter, no big deal right!?

So when the excitement of the previous night wears off, I end up showing the couple & my friend the toys I have brought along. They all wanted to try a bit of impact play & some candles. I had bought some UV candles from Rope & brought them along for everyone to have a play. We lay out the mat & I introduce them to some impact play with a few different instruments & the candles. It’s a good night & nothing really happens.

The next night we decide to go out for drinks & I have no idea what happens to be really honest, I know i tried to get them to stay but I get called a cow by my friend in the couple & I hand over the keys to my car for them to leave. I go home later with my other friend & her guy for the night but cannot sleep. I have no idea what I did to cause a kafuffle, nor do I want to cause drama with my friends. At like 6am, I am still wide awake that I start packing to go & I leave quietly by 7am. I have been messaging with some random all night but I just need to go home & sleep. I actually go home to a guy I’m yet to talk about… Hahaha… We’ll get there!

ligth heart

After the weekend, Krav starts messaging me a lot. I don’t think much of it, I never met the dude so there isn’t a lot for me to say to him. He tells me why he’s been so off lately that his daughter has been bullied so much & was pushed though a window, she is fine but he’s struggling with it as you would be… I am not sure why he’s telling me all this, but I just offer support & an ear should he need it. He tells me how much the couple like me etc & that he’s sorry that he missed meeting me.

He sees in the private chat group that I left Hindmarsh Island early, he asks me what is wrong & I just say that it was really windy (which it was) & that I wanted to go home. Later he tells me that he’s spoken to my friend & he found out what happened & that he’s sorry it happened. He messages me a lot about his run, sending me pictures & I try to ignore a few as I know that my friend in the couple is sort of with this guy, she is calling him her boyfriend so I am not comfortable with these messages with him to be honest.

He asks me when we are having a coffee & I say that I don’t drink coffee with a few hahah’s added, he replies “Oh really?? That’s what you took from that.. Fk imma smack you lol” What because I don’t like coffee? Or because I don’t want one with him? I tell him “hahaha, I don’t want to get in the middle of something you have with my friend… Not after the weekend I had. So yeah. Even coffee” He says “You won’t be. I’m my own person & don’t answer to anyone else. I’d have to explain it so you get it… But just so you know I’m not anyone’s property lol… We I am my own lol” He may not be her property but she likes him a lot & after being called a cow, I am not interested in pissing her off. I mean I am also not attracted to him either, so it’s not even worth the hassle. I say I don’t want to jeopardise anything with my friends & he says that I won’t be, he says they’re close & he only sees her once a week (which is a lot for a married woman & their boyfriend) I say again thanks for asking, but yeah am not interested “heheh well I aint letting you slip, I’ll bug you as much time as it takes… You’re a good person x so tuff titties, you’re stuck with me” OH FFS! I am firmer with I am not interested in you & he still says that I’m a good egg & he gets it.

Later with no reply from me, he sends “You really are a good friend… I’m glad you did what you did. Just know that I wouldn’t send anything that would knowing get me into trouble or that I want to hide. It was purely a genuine offer of friendship & still is. The girls would appreciate knowing.” I don’t even understand why he is messaging me this – what does it even mean. I am not going to meet him, I just am not sure how my friend would react, even if it is just for friendship with him. I am not interested.

A few days later without a reply to the last message I get “So much was said & done without me around or knowing, that I have cut off everything. That weekend was so bad. Made me see a lot of rumours & shit that I don’t want to be a part of. I’ve gone back to only being friends with the couple & everyone else. I’m just going to stay at arms reach I think. I sure hope you are doing ok.” What the actual fuck is he talking about?! I have no idea. I even say that & he just said that the rumour mill went crazy & he’s just being friends with them. I try not to engage because who the fuck cares. I don’t even know what he’s talking about so I just say I’m confused & try to leave it. I ignore his last message.

Then a couple of days later “#IBD4U, putting all the shit behind us & all the nice things I’ve heard about you. I would like to know.. would you be up for saying hello? I think like you I’ve had the rough end of the stick when it comes to meeting someone. We obviously have similar interests & all. I would like to know if you would like to meet & finally put a face to the name… I’d like to think that this might be the silver lining from all this shit?” OMG, is that his intention of cutting ties with her, to try to pursue me? FUCK… I hope not…

I tell him that I am not interested in meeting him, yet again, that my friendship means more to me than a dude off the chat app. He says that it’s ok, it’s over with her, however I know women & I know I wouldn’t like someone swooping in on a guy I just dated. Besides, I’m not ever remotely interested in this guy!!

He says hey to me a few days later & joins the chat group I’m in & he was deleted for not having a profile picture – I didn’t know it was him to be honest. I just delete people who don’t chat. He messages me “Removed from chat? You really do have the issues others said… Deadest. Not everyone who shows you attention wants to fuck you. I think someone needs to get over themselves pretty quick. You’re a horrible, lonely person.” OH MY FUCKING GOD! What? This guy has a massive screw loose. I did nothing to him but delete him for a chat room & I’m horrible? I don’t even know if it was me who deleted him either… Jesus. Again I have no idea what he is even talking about.

“Wow. Just wow. You joined the group & didn’t speak, besides the gif… In the group there is no pic on your profile for me, hence being deleted. I won’t apologise for having morals & not wanting to meet you for coffee, regardless of your intentions because you were dating my friend… My instincts were right about you. Thank you for showing your true colours.” & I send him a screenshot of the chat app to prove it.

“Nope. Actually the issue is all yours. It was a massive judgement of error going down that path, but you can cling to that friendship all you like… Both of them (the couple) had nothing but shit to say about you after that night & even the day after. But that’s cool. You believe all you want. Fairly sure it was a huge mistake as this “community” is either led by tits or a bunch of no hopers. So impressing them is like learning to play UNO, it’s really not that impressive at all. One day you’ll see that & actually see the worth in people being honest to you & not let it be darkened by a want to be on a pedestal… You’re better than that… I hope you see it one day soon.”

Can someone please explain?!


British #2

This date with British is going well, I mean we’re on a second post & I’m still on the date! Hahaha… That’s so unlike me. I find myself relaxing, joking & really enjoying the weird topics we keep talking about. We have a couple of drinks & chat the night away really easily. As it gets later he talks again about the white wine he bought that tastes like blue cheese. I like blue cheese, I don’t eat it a lot but I always like a little one on a cheese platter.

He also brings up the “scrumptious” comment, which I say that I didn’t get, he says that he was calling me scrumptious & I say that makes no sense. As I go to check the chat to prove I’m right he says that if he’s right, I have to go home with him. I’m like & what if you’re wrong? He says that I can do what I want but I should go home with him anyway. Hahaha… He’s smooth. I know that I shouldn’t go home with him but I do like this guy, I want to have sex with him, so why not? We look at the chat & look to be very fair with you, I still can’t see how he thinks he is calling me scrumptious – anyway he seems to think that he’s won the bet & invites me back to his house for the blue cheese wine. He says he’s caught an uber so I drive us back to his house & it’s a pretty nice new house, one of those long skinny town houses, you know the ones with the main bedroom at the front of the house, a long hallway with 2 bedrooms & a bathroom off the hall then leading into an open concept kitchen & living space. He gets us a wine, but oddly the white wine he’s being banging on about all fucking day in chat & at drinks, is not even bloody cold. Ok that’s a little weird. But I ignore it – maybe a red flag I should’ve noticed perhaps, he gives me a red wine while the white chills in the fridge. He puts on the TV & starts scrolling through his Netflix, well, weirdly it says another dudes name. Ok so he’s lying about what his name really is?! I don’t question it, maybe he has a roommate? I don’t know but I should ask, however I don’t. I lie about my name all the time, I lie about my job, with this guy I haven’t but I guess I’m at his house so he does trust me a little, however is this a red flag I’m also ignoring?! My gut isn’t telling there’s something up, I always trust my gut. Shoo red flags.

We watch a movie, actually watching the movie. I forget what it is now, but it was a movie he hadn’t seen before, that I have. We sit drinking red wine, then he offers me the white wine, surprisingly it tasted ok, but it did taste exactly like blue cheese. So weird…

When we start kissing & head into the bedroom, we go into the room closet to the lounge room, generally the room that would be the 3rd or 4th spare room, with a mattress on the floor, I ask him if this is the main bedroom & he says yes, again red flags are still in full swing, yet I get into bed with this dude… Still with that glimmer of hope that this guy is going to be the guy that takes me off the singles market!

We don’t actually have sex as he doesn’t have any condoms & I didn’t bring any being I didn’t expect to be fucking the guy, however, we do everything else. We fall asleep then wake up through the night for some more play, makes me cum so many times with his fingers or mouth & then we fall back asleep. He knows I am a little kinky as I put a rope photo on my profile, at dinner & after the movie we did talk about kink a little. He is very good at pinning me down, something I love, something I think most women love, a manly pin of your hands above your head…. Hmmmm.

He doesn’t even cum at all though the night, even though I do my best blow job moves for him… Doesn’t work on every guy but most seem to cum within seconds. British tries again to fuck me without a condom (as a typical guy does) but I say no. He spoons me in all through the night, which I like because I haven’t had that in a long time, but I also cannot sleep because I am sweating & being suffocated.

The next morning, I wake up realising I have to be at brunch soon, so I leave him in bed at leave the house, not really specifying with each other if we’ll talk again or what – but I hope he does message me. But maybe it was a mistake to fool around with him so soon if I like him but who cares, when I like someone, I do what I want.

British crush

Anyway I go to brunch a little hungover & looking dishevelled, but to my surprise, I get a message on the dating app from British at 12:00pm saying “Hope you made it in time for breakfast x. I enjoyed making your pussy cum x.” Hmmmm, yes so did I… I tell him that I lied to him about not having another chat app to talk to him on & he asks for my number to find me. He tells me I don’t have to make it up to him that he didn’t cum because he made himself cum thinking of me. Awwww, so sweet! Hahaha.

When he adds me on the other app, I notice that it’s his British number. Surely after being in Australia for 6 months, he would have upgraded to a Australian mobile number? Red Flag? Or just how this app works? Of maybe he has it still for his family?

He says that my head job & stroking skills are amazing & asks if I can fit him in before 5pm today? OMG, I just left this guy… I felt a bit of chemistry with him & I am feeling a bit of a draw to him, that I say yes, I ask him to come to my place or if he wants me to go to his, he says that he just drank the rest of the cheese wine & so he’ll uber over… Really? He is day drinking alone with no purpose? Red Flag. I just suggest that I will go to him instead. I don’t mind.

We arrange for 1:30pm once we’ve had showers & I tell him that I will bring condoms. I also ask him about his name & he tells me that it’s the same as what I saw on his Netflix account. He distracts me by asking me not to wear panties, but I suggest lingerie, asking his favourite colour, which is red, not a surprise & I put on some sexy lingerie for him under my denim dress. He sends me a picture of a belt & a long USB cord & asks me if he has any use for it. Noodle was the first & only guy to improvise & use a USB cord to tie me up & it was hot as fuck that I allow it. He tells me to hurry up & get there, as we’re sending naughty pictures. I look at the time & realise I should leave, so I jump in the car & head to his house. I am wet & excited the whole way there.

I walk in & walk to the back of his house, with him following, immediately he grabs me & kisses me, my dress has snap buttons all the way down the front & he knows he can easily rip this dress off, which he does.

Before I know what is going on, I am up on the freezing cold stone kitchen bench being pushed down to lay flat on my back & legs spread where British settles between them to make me cum. Fuck he is good at that! I don’t know why I notice his pantry, there is a lot of stuff in there, like so many sauces… I don’t know why I found it weird looking back but he’d only been here 6 months & had so many bottles of sauce it was ridiculous. Or is this another red flag? Fuck, who cares, I am cumming again!!!!!

Once I’ve cum – twice, he moves us over to the couch where I suck his cock & he enjoys it – of course, I am very good at it. Hahaha. He then decides to tie me up with the belt & USB cord… He struggles a bit & it takes a while, he asks if he can take a picture, which I agree too & tell him he has to send it to me.

A couple of hours go by & then I’m home again, thinking about this afternoon. He fucked me over the kitchen bench too, cold stone against my tits while be pounded from behind then he came hard too. He messages me when I get home too, OMG… Does this guy like me? Or does he just like that I’m so fucking easy? Hahhaha.

We talk some kink & I show him my draw of toys & he says “Yes I definitely think I should come to you next time. It’s good that we’re local too.” I agree & am actually excited about this guy!! He says he wants me again but he’s going to be late, he’s hard again & wants to cum thinking about me, we get onto the topis of three sums, I’m still wanting that fantasy of 2 guys, he says he’ll be up for that if I do it with a woman & him. Of course that’s the usual condition for most men, I can do that!

I really am enjoying this guy. I didn’t think it was possible after Noodle & Noddy, but wow, I am actually enjoying the banter, the sex, the way this guy looks! Fuck me, I don’t want to oversell it here being I only met him yesterday, but he is ticking a lot of boxes.



I match with a guy online a week after things end with Noddy, we’re chatting about what we’re doing tonight, I say that I am going to have a bath. But when he suggests that we meet for a drink, I think I don’t want to be home alone again while Noddy is off doing whatever the fuck he’s doing with the snapchat girl.

I am cautious of British, he looks a lot like Noodle that it’s kinda scary! His pictures are cute, but not usually the type of guy I go for, however I guess I have a type if he looks like Noodle! I never thought I did have a type. Dark brown hair, full trimmed beard, 6 foot tall, almost the same build as Noodle too but OMG, he turns out to be British! That’s OMG, I can’t even cope!

He talks about how his day got rained out of ab sailing & he’s had a rare lazy day around the house. I tell him that I am going to have a bath & a long soak after the gym this morning when he asks what I’m going to do afterwards. Because he so cute & british, I already start thinking that I want to meet this guy tonight, so I shouldn’t have a bath, but shower instead, wash my hair & maybe see this guy. He asks what suburb I’m in being that we’re only 4 kms apart – we’re close to each other. He says that he’s either going to head out for a few beers or stay home & cook something – I suggest steak, being he’s a foodie. We talk about my rope pictures that I have up, he doesn’t understand what I mean when I say about riggers & bunnies. Saying that he doesn’t understand my aussie linigo so I ask if he’s not Australian – not remembering his British flag on his profile like an idiot “No I’m from London, moved here about 6 months ago” LIKE really?! Finally, a guy, sent from the cute gods above & he’s also British… I hate that I start planning our wedding! (Hahaha – not really but you know what I mean)

British lower tinder settings

I ask him what made him pick Adelaide, having been born here myself but also having extensively travelled & lived overseas, I am always intrigued about why people pick Adelaide to put down their roots “My mate lives in Sydney but he recommended Adelaide & after visiting Melbourne, Sydney & Adelaide. I felt more at home here” Well I agree with that, I say that’s its small but awesome, I’ve lived elsewhere but I love it here. He asks me if I have another chat app whats app but even though I do, I say no – I don’t want to give him another app if he’s a dickhead in the end. I don’t like to talk to them on other apps until I meet them… He says “Not to worry, thought it may be easier to talk on there. And maybe arrange a little drink later on. To discuss countries, bunnies, riggers & steak.” I laugh. Fuck… He’s making me laugh! We start talking about cheese too, my other favourite food – his too. He asks if I’d like to have share some cheese & wine later & I agree saying we can meet later, I suggest a place close by that’s a pretty nice steak house & we say we’ll meet at 7:00 pm. I google the place & see they have a share platter but that’s the only cheese they have. He says “done!” I tell him that will be my dinner because I haven’t been eating much with some stress lately (Why the fuck do I tell him that?!) he asks what I’m stressed about & that I can talk to him, but tell him that “Work is nuts & some personal stuff. I’ll be fine, just how my weird body reacts. You’d think I’d be skinny as fuck, but nope!” He says “Luckily for you I can’t stand skinny as fuck!” He asks if I like octopus & I say no, so he says he’ll ask for more haloumi instead of it – obviously he’s looked up the platter too – TOO CUTE… I tell him he can ask for that, I am thankful he wants to do that, but I hate doing stuff like that! He also tells me about a bottle of wine he has that has blue cheese undertones in it, I think to myself that sounds gross when he says “I know it sounds disgusting, but wait till you try it.” Oh really!?

He asks what I do for work & I actually surprise myself by telling him the real job title, I usually lie until I meet them… He tells me that he is a buyer for a company that does refurbishments. I wonder what the hell that is, so I say it sounds interesting. He says “Yeah have more to tell you about my time in London doing it as I was for 12 years… Only just joined this company… You sound interesting, I like that” so I say “I guess that’s obvious being you just moved here.” & he replies “Very true there scrumptious” WTF? & then asks me “Will you be wearing your mini mouse outfit tonight” I tell him I have no idea what he is talking about with the scrumptious comment, assuming he’s chatting to someone else & I also have no idea about the Minnie Mouse outfit either so I just say jeans or a skirt. He picks skirt… Well of course! He tells me that scrumptious means tasty, I literally laugh out loud, I know what the fucking word means, I just have no idea what he is saying it for & ask the context. He says “There was no context, a compliment should be used whenever felt needed” I think I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about, so I just I say I will get ready & see him at 7:00 pm.

I screenshot his profile to remind myself what he said on there too…

“33 British foodie to the extreme, who wants to be cooked for? 6FT , hardworking, laid back, genuine, fun man. Likes: Laughing / Steak McCoys / Bulldogs / Positivity / Rugby. Dislikes: People who talk right close to your face / Arrogance / Front of cashpoint queue ditherers / negativity.”

Ok so it’s not my usual style to post someone’s online profile or describe how good they look in such detail, but there you go – first time for everything…. He also has a profile anthem of Superstylin’ by Groove Armada… Old tune, but always a top track! But all of this is building this guy up a bit for me… I do this all the time… It’s so annoying!

I arrive & find a park, looking hotter than I should for this place, a short, forever new grey winter skirt with black tights, black high ankle boots, a low cut cross over black top & my usual puffer jacket. I washed my hair & was careful with some plum eye shadow. I must say I look good, but this guy could be a winner… So I want to make a good impression. After what I’ve been though, being broken up via snapchat, I need this to work out!

As I get out the car, I see a dude sitting outside by himself & assume that’s him, I walk up & realise it is, he’s got a drink already, we hug hello & he’s actually even cuter in real life than his pictures… I know I say this a lot & I was only just saying to friends after showing them my new (& what I think is pretty honest) profile, that I’m scared I’m the opposite for men, that my pictures are awesome but that I don’t look as good in real life. (Where did that self-esteem go that I just had while describing myself?! HMMMM?!) My friends told me to shut up, but of course my friends are going to say I look good…

We go inside & I order a drink, he tries to pay for it, but I get it… He tells me that he called ahead to find out if we needed a booking I say “OMG that’s so cute” under my breath, like that’s adorable… I ask about the platter, but he doesn’t order it. He asks where we should sit & suggests outside, I think I’m going to freeze but decide to brave the May weather in Adelaide, to sit outside in a quieter area that’s not just a dinner table. We sit outside chatting over the first drink & it’s fairly easy, we talk about our families, how he left all of his behind in the UK, that none of them would probably visit him out here unless he paid for them, he tells me that he built his house here from the UK before he got here which was difficult being that he was so far away. He told me that he’s working for a company similar to what he did back home. He tells me about some travel to other cities, such as Tasmania & Sydney also mentioning Melbourne. We talk about weird topics like veganism, which neither of us are close to eating even vegetarian, so not sure why we talk about it… He goes to get us another drink & orders the platter we discussed. It’s a pretty nice evening. The conversation isn’t hard but we do talk about weird stuff. We talk about steak tarte how they are traditionally served with a egg yolk. How weird are these topics!

The platter arrives, we start eating & we talk easily. I have barely been eating since the Noddy debacle, so I end up eating quite bit for the first time in a week… This is what happens with me when I’m hurt… I realise now that I liked Noody at a lot more than I thought I did.

This guy puts me at ease though & he did ask if I was one of those chicks that didn’t eat. I’m like dude, I eat, but right now I’m not eating a lot. But I do eat a bit because I am definitely not the type not to eat & my appetite is back.

I ask a lot about why he moved from London to Adelaide. I am always intrigued about why a person chooses little ol Adelaide to live, mainly because I was born here, I mean it’s a small country town really. Why would someone choose here over living in London? He says that he just liked it here the best & hated Melbourne. Tells me that he found a similar job to what he was doing back home, so he just stayed here.

OMG, could my dream of ending up with a British guy actually comes true!?


Noddy #18

I don’t expect to hear from Noddy, he reads my message instantly & I will never know if he reads the diary I sent him via email… I guess the sad thing about this all, is that while I was upset he bailed, I got the reason why he did, however the way he treated me after he bailed is the problem. Not writing back to me then posting snapchats cuddling someone else…

One of my friends asked me why he couldn’t see me at all since helping this chick, I ask myself that same question… He can make time for her, but he could leave her for a few hours & see me. Surely she knew about me & would be ok with that…

After I send him the message & my diary, Demon & Snapchat girl chat in the group, Demon says they’re having pizza for dinner but snapchat girl says “Not yet Demon, we haven’t even left the park we’re here catching Pokémon’s lolSeriously!?

Noddy hasn’t chatted in the group since he bailed on me last week, but could the snapchat girl rub it in my face anymore? I’m sure she knows about me, surely?! Why hasn’t Noddy asked her to stop, to have a bit of respect for me? Clearly he doesn’t have any respect for me, or he wouldn’t have been sending the snpachats, just like Noodle didn’t ask his partner to respect me, but always asked me to respect her… Why am I so easy to disrespect?

I have also realised that my body is a little crazy when I am stressed or broken hearted… My mouth is so dry, my heart has palpitations, I can’t eat at all, I don’t sleep much… This is only the third time that this has happened… It happened with Boyfriend, it was worse with Noodle, now it’s happening with Noddy… Though this time I’m not sure if it’s because of feelings I had or the fact he’s rubbing it in my face that he has someone else? Did I have feelings for this guy?

After a week of not hearing from him, I actually realise that yeah I had some sort of feelings for him, I won’t deny that, but it was the rubbing it in my face over the chat app or snapchat that makes me go crazy.

He replies…

“Hey, look I’m sorry its taken me a while to reply. I had a lot to read.

I really am sorry.. I overreacted. I had a lot going on… I didn’t mean for any of what happened to hurt you in the slightest… Yeah it probably was a copout… And it isn’t up to me if I am good for you or not.

I promise you now… Everything I said I really did mean… You are an amazing person who deserves the world. And I am just too much of a soft heart that I help too many people to the point where I run myself into the ground to distract myself from life in general. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by men like you did…

My words are a curse… I speak way too much of what’s in my mind instead of having walls up like you did. & I’m fucking sorry that I spoke so much that I softened those walls & you let me in.

I don’t expect forgiveness…

I don’t expect a reply.

I just want you to know that I really apologise for everything that I have done.

I won’t try & justify any of my actions. I betrayed you & your trust.


Well again, yeah I know he has a way with words, but I don’t even know what to say to that! I start drafting what I want to say, I write big long messages but delete them all… I don’t want to keep messaging him. I realise I don’t want him as my partner – we probably never would’ve worked but he would’ve been fun for a bit longer. One good thing is the snapchat girl left my group at least. I hated seeing her in there, maybe what I wrote about her was true?!

Noddy give too many fucks

I mean he says he has a big heart, but he only seems to have that for everyone else… He’s told me I am not a priority & there are too many red flags for him but we can at least salvage a friendship here, especially since he still hasn’t’ left my group, he came to switch & wanted to get involved in rope more. Hopefully we can be friends; I do really like him & got along well with him.

“TBH I have drafted a hundred different messages in reply. But fuck. This is hard.

Thank you for actually reading my email, I know it was long & I’ve never sent a guy my unedited thoughts before. I regretted it 1000 times.

I have a lot to say, but I’m not going to text endlessly. The way I see it, if you’re truly sorry, you’ll put in the effort & see me. If you aren’t, you won’t. Simple”

He reads it almost instantly & never replies… Well I guess he didn’t mean everything he said to me! Hahaha… Fucking hell some men are god damn liars… He said he wanted to be friends, well that will never happen now. I hope I never see him at an event ever again, I don’t know what I would say to him, even if I did… Probably just that, why would you still spin me bullshit after saying everything was true but then not actually wanting to be my friend?

Or fuck it, I’ll just say hey, be polite, & move on from him…

So the snapchat girl re-joins my group, yaye… (Insert eye roll here) So happy about that! But Noddy gets deleted by the bot I installed to delete non talkers.

It’s Switch, I’m excited to be going, I am going alone though, Noddy & I had planned to go together again, so clearly that’s not happening. I hope to god that he doesn’t go… Surely he wouldn’t. Demon has said that she won’t be there, but her brother & girlfriend will be there & has asked Ripples to tie her again. I am meeting my friends there, they are doing the show so I don’t want to miss is, but I am scared to go alone.

I spend ages getting ready, it’s a masquerade event, so I have stuck diamante stickers all over my face for my mask & I’m wearing a French Connection sequined playsuit. With black knee high boots. I look fucking amazing! I am feeling so good, my hair has fallen the right way. I look sensational… & I going alone!

I walk in & upstairs to find people I know & because I am alone, I am walking fast to get to find people I know, not wanting to be by myself. As I walk though the door, FUCK…. Noddy! I am not 100% sure it’s him because he’s wearing a grey suit & a mask but I am pretty sure it’s him, however, I am on a mission & don’t really notice him, just walk past, I go to the bar, get a drink & find my friends… I have just found out on the way to Switch that a friend is going to be there too having just broken up with her husband, Holden for an online relationship. I wonder if she’s been seeing Noddy?

There’s a chick at Switch, standing only metres from where we are & she keeps looking over at me, I don’t know who she is, but I figure that she keeps looking because I look so cute tonight! Hahaha… I don’t think I recognise her because her hair is quite short & blonde, she’s about the same size as me, so it can’t be the snapchat girl, she had brown hair that was a tiny bit longer than mine, from memory & she looked quite skinny… BUT… Later on the next day, the snapchat chick posts a photo of herself last night at her first switch (which she has SO much fun at – insert second eye roll here) & I realise it’s the chick that kept looking at me! FUCKING HELL!!! Is Noddy an actual idiot? Why did he come to Switch after ignoring me like an asshole, this is my thing, my event..? He never does anything but stand outside & smoke anyway – go to any nightclub & do that… I ask Doddy (Noddys man crush) if Noddy talked to him & he says no, but he wasn’t sure if it was him or not… At least Noddy is staying away from my friends… I go off to get roped up & candle wax but also watch my friends do the floor show. Hoping I don’t see him again, which I don’t really.

However someone I knew didn’t like me very much from the Private play party yells at me before they go on stage to do their rope show because Ripples tied me & used candle wax… I didn’t realise it was an exclusive thing that you shouldn’t do what the floor show was, I mean if anyone should follow that protocol, it’s Ripples, right? Everyone still gathered around for the floor show, so I didn’t see a problem. I don’t know the unwritten rules of switch. However it’s just another reason for those people to act weird around me & other friends start shutting me out after that happens. I leave Switch shortly after midnight, having felt so great about how I looked to feeling so fucking alone, I actually can feel myself breaking.

I can’t believe Noddy kept walking behind me & my group of friends, brought that chick (who remember has just fled a domestic violent relationship & is now at a kink event! As if the spanking & torture wouldn’t be a trigger?!) & he didn’t even act like an adult & talk to me… I know I walked past him once but I wasn’t expecting to see him the second I got there… I don’t fucking believe this is what happens in my life, it’s actually hilarious! Who gets broken up with via snapchat? Yep, #IBD4U does….! That’s just fucking gold!

To give you an update, Noddy got kicked out of the chat group & Snapchat girl leaves too which makes me happy, however I would have left them there & just went on my merry way, fuck them! A few weeks after it’s all blown over, I’m just saying how I’m out north for work & Demon says she’s at the same shops as me, so we meet for a coffee. She talks a lot about Noddy & the Snapchat girl who is now living with her. So she clarifies a few of the suspicious things that I knew weren’t right. So Snapchat girl is apparently mentally disabled, has had her 3 year old son taken off her & was living with her parents, who were violent, not a partner. Demon tells me that Noddy has done exactly what he did to me to her, well that’s not a surprise, which is why she’s now living with Demon. Well at least that is clearer for me, but I still walk away from this… Or, I guess let him walk away.

Noddy is now in a relationship with a chick, he looks really happy & I wish him well with that relationship. He was a good guy there for a while & he was good for me. I am just sad that I was used yet again by another guy to find the one he is going to be with… I never see him at Switch again, I haven’t been going but I don’t see him at the ones I go to. Nor do I ever hear from him again.



I activate a dating app while away for work – purely for a hook up, now that I have been broken up with via snapchat by Noddy, & now I know it’s over with him. I mean who gets broken up with via snapchat? FFS… I don’t think I can get over this disrespect… How embarrassing… That’s seriously next level for a way to stop seeing someone… Most men just ghost! I want to keep seeing him but I have to make a decision here… He’s not the right one for me… A guy that really liked me would never do that to me!

I chat to some guys online & every guy lives about an hour from where I am staying – or further… Fucking country!! Redhill & I match, He’s cute & 29 (Not another fucking young guy!) we chat a little, me telling him that I am only in Port Pirie for a couple of nights, essentially letting him know without saying this will be a one night thing… He says that he’d come to Port Pirie tonight but it is a 40 minute drive & it is getting late. Probably for the best. I have a spa in my room & I had been in it for 2.5 hours, just swiping on the dating app, feeling sorry for myself over Noddy…

Redhill heart love

However Redhill asks how much luck I’ve had on the app so far in Pirie, He asks the stupid question I hate about what I’m looking for. But this time it’s ok, because I am just looking fora one night thing. I say that ultimately one day I want a relationship but probably not going to find it on here. He agrees. I suggest that we meet for a drink tomorrow night somewhere in Pirie. He says yes & suggest a few places. I have no idea where anything is, so I google a couple of places & decide on the one that isn’t café primo & looks a little nicer. We talk a little about what we do for work, I actually tell him my real job title, thinking this guy isn’t too bad – which is unusual for me. I don’t really understand his job title of an Agronomist. So we talk about that for a bit.. I tell him how much I am over travelling for work, it’s been 5 years & I am done, “Like everything suffers, my friendships, my gym, my eating… etc” I don’t tell him that also my relationships with men suffer! Noodle & Noddy are the major cases of that! However I have just been told – not asked but told that I’m changing teams, which is not entirely what I wanted, but I think it’ll be good for me to do something different. It’s late so we stop talking, I try to sleep, but with everything going on & the shitty hotel bed, I barely get any!

The next day of course I refuse to talk to Redhill first, being I was the last one to write to him but at 3:45 pm he finally messages & asks if we’re still on for drinks. I say yeah & ask what time. He says 6:30 pm but he doesn’t finish till 5:30 pm, it’s a 40 minute drive so I ask if that’s enough time so he laughs & suggest 7:00 pm. I tell him that I didn’t bring a date outfit so I’ll be fairly casual, he says that’s ok, he offers to pick me up, which I think yeah maybe but then realise this guy could be a weirdo & I’m in a small country town alone… Not a good idea! So I drive myself.

We meet at the café/bar whatever it is. It’s fucking fancy, I am not dressed for this place. It’s also tiny with about 10 tables in basically a hotel foyer… I am there first & ask if there is another bar to sit at, thinking this restaurant is too fancy for what I’m wearing. The maître de says that this is it or we can sit at the bar, I am being sat at a table when he walks in, he looks just as casual as I do, so I relax a bit, We hug hello & we sit down. Being that it’s so fancy, I think there will be table service, but they don’t seem that attentive. Redhill gets up to order my $13 wine! FUCK… So expensive! Hahaha.

We talk quite easily, well I talk a lot, he doesn’t seem to talk or make much eye contact, so I dribble on about all sorts of bullshit. I am remembering the date with Tom Cruise, where he said I was boring, so I try to ask Redhill some questions. He offers me another drink so I guess he’s not having a bad time, wouldn’t he want to leave?! We have another drink & they start turning off the lights & packing up, the other 2 couples in the place leave, there’s a big group still kicking on, but I don’t want to be the last ones there. It’s only 9:30 pm, I assume he’ll kiss me out the front & then I’ll be able to invite him back to my hotel room… Even if he’s not that in to me, wouldn’t he want to fuck me, I mean how many matches would this guy get out here in the small country town?

He hugs me goodbye, kind of awkwardly & says see ya… OK that’s weird?! Maybe he really wasn’t that in to me… I drive back to the hotel thinking how shit that was, He seriously can’t be that spoilt for choice to not want to fuck me, knowing it’s just a one night thing… I have Dom in my head, he’s telling me to message him to come to the hotel… So I write “You didn’t seem keen, so I couldn’t ask at the bar, but thought I would just ask anyway if you want to come back to my hotel room… You can ignore if you don’t want too.” I don’t wait long for a reply “Yeah I’m keen. I can come for a little while. What room are you in?” I tell him what room because he knows the hotel already from yesterdays chat, he says he’ll be there in a minute & I go searching for a condom, which I don’t fucking have! FUCK! I message him to say that, hoping that he has one & he doesn’t reply to the message but knocks on my door.

I invite him in & ask if he got my last message, he says he did & pulls out a condom, they’re the latex free ones I use & I smile, he doesn’t know I am allergic, I don’t often have that conversation with random dudes, one condom doesn’t usually cause a problem anyway but just kind of cute that he has those ones. I usually supply them, I thought I had one my travel kit, but I must’ve taken it out.

We kiss & he pulls me really close & really tight, I actually like it. He’s the well built type that is solid, we kiss for a bit while taking his shirt off, he then takes mine off & pushes me back on the bed, pulling me in tight again to him, I quite like that… He kisses me more & slides his hand behind my back undoing my bra so easily that I say “Smooth” he laughs & says it was just luck – I like a guy who can have banter when having sex. We kiss some more, getting naked, he goes down on me after sucking on my nipples, he tries really hard to get me to cum but I just don’t think I am going to get there, so I pull him up & he slides on the condom before sliding into me. I feel a bit dry but it’s ok, he kisses me some more. He fucks me & I don’t cum with him, but he does. Once he’s done, he stays inside me for a long time, just chatting, I think it’s a a bit weird – maybe a bit initiate, why would he stay in me & on top of me to chat?! Most guys roll off right away. Noodle used to stay in me a little after but never this long.

I ask him how far he got out of town when he got my message. He said that he was just about to message me the same thing when he got mine. Oh, really?! I wonder if he was sitting outside of the hotel?! I kind of push him off me, he lays down on the bed next to me & continues to chat. He then says he has to go, he does have a 40 minute country drive at like 10:30 pm… We say goodbye at the hotel room door & I say to give me a message if he’s ever in Adelaide. I’m not really sure since the sex wasn’t that good. I keep him on my profile until I delete the app a few months later.