Tag: Dating

I tell Silverlining about the Doppelganger at my gym. But I realise now that I would know Silverlining from a mile away, that my body reacts, he asks how. I tell him that my tummy churns, my hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I shake & then I can’t eat. He says “You need to eat bitch” I tell him though that my pussy would probably start dripping if he was closer. He says my name like I shouldn’t be flirting with him & I giggle, but I tell him that I have eaten some showbag goodies. He replies “Fuck me I love how wet your pussy gets for me.”

He’s also asking if my sister knows about us chatting – we’re still on the day that we admit it to each other that we’re who we are, by the way. We’ve been messaging all day, so much so that I almost cancelled my appointment because I didn’t want to stop talking to him. It’s going to end soon, I know. I am not stupid, he is with her, he’s made no attempts to leave her. He’s not going too. However for now, for today, I need to chat to him. He asks me what my sister has said, she’s said what half of you are thinking, what I already know, what I don’t need her to say “STOP TALKING TO HIM” & he says that I should probably listen to her, that she knows what’s best for me. But does she? Does he? I reply “Like I said before… No one can understand this. It doesn’t make sense. While it seems counterproductive, it’s actually helping me…. No one will ever understand our connection Silverlining. Nor will they understand our love. Why after a year of not talking, we’re still in love.” It’s almost like Rose in Titanic, getting off the boat with Jack. It doesn’t make sense but the excitement she felt with him in the few short days she knew him, she knew he was what she wanted. He says that Sweetie understood it, she witnessed it. I agree, but I don’t think she would understand why I am talking to him now after everything that happened post break up.

We talk about some people on the chat app & I am reminded of when he came back online with the matching user name as her, something we used to laugh at other people for doing, something I used to joke to him about changing his user name to SiliverliningLovesIBD4U. I don’t know why I spend this short time that I have probably left chatting to him, bringing this stuff up, but I do “Remember when you said to me I needed kink, that you weren’t that kinky or good at it. Then told me all about your kink stuff you were doing with your partner… yeah that was also fun!” He says that they haven’t done much together, which I am not surprised. He says sorry for hurting me with those comments but I taught him somethings he liked about sex. I mean he taught me so much that I didn’t realise that I would like about sex. I tell him that he apologised the next day “But not before telling me she rimmed you & you choked her… Someone else told me you had a 3sum… But yeah… We weren’t always kinky so hurt me that you thought I needed it, using it as an excuse to not be good enough for me…” It’s true but he won’t admit it. “The trouble with us is we both have an open and honest thing going. Sometimes we overshare. And it hurts. Hence why this is not a good thing” I know he’s preparing me to ghost me again, I need to be ok with it, I don’t want it after the fact I’ve not been chatting to him for 2 weeks none stop & today is Saturday & we’ve been chatting since I woke up at 7am.

I remind him that I was hurt because I was thinking she was withholding sex & being a bitch to him when in fact she was giving him the kinky sex I had given him. It was like a stab in the heart for me, I was still in love with him & he was already back to having sex with her when I couldn’t fuck anyone. He says that he never intended on hurting me & that he was just over sharing, I was his best friend, he didn’t think. He says that I taught him so much when I ask what, then he says something else that is meant to me a compliment but catches my breath “The sex never ever compared to ours lol” He says that I made him a better lover. I fucking hate that comment. “Yeah, I made you better for someone else.” He says sorry. But also that I bought out his dom side, he never had that until me.

He says that he has to go soon – it’s almost 11 hours of talking & that this isn’t healthy. No it’s not, but I can’t help but ask “You want to stop talking?” & I wait, not very long for his reply. “No I don’t …” So I say as casually as I can, that he should just talk to me when he can & he says that he will, he says “I’m so sorry for hurting you so much. Chat to you again soon” & with that he goes, but I reply saying thank you for saying that.

While this isn’t healthy, for either of us. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. It’s Sunday, I know he’ll be at work again, so he’ll be able to message if he wants too. I’ve had so much stress at work that I haven’t been sleeping, only getting a couple of hours per night, but tonight when I snuggle down expecting to toss & turn, I drift off to sleep. I am finally content. I feel like while he’s not mine, he somehow centres me. This shit going on in my life goes away & I can finally relax. I sleep the whole night, not great cos my nephew is over but better than I have in months. Waking up at 6:40am – shoot me now, I can’t help but look at the app before I check anything else on my phone as I don’t get notifications for the app we’re using, so I never know if he’s messaged. I am wildly optimistic that he will message but I just don’t know… It’s not a good idea if he does, will I message him if there is nothing from him when I look? I don’t know if I should, but he said he didn’t want to stop talking so at least he’s feeling what I am too…

This is a perfect time for a cliff-hanger, but at only 1100 words, it doesn’t seem enough since we’re only up to the second day of us admitting our identities – but up to #12 & we have Motocross to catch up too, I need to get the Silverlining story moving! So I’ll put you all out of your misery! I never hear from Silverlining again… WHAT?!

DUM DUM DUM! Just kidding, hahaha.

As I check the app, I notice there is a message, my heart jumps as I click to see it’s him at 6:07 am saying “So yeah morning for when you get up. I lasted a day … lol” I can’t help but smile like a fuckwit! I use his line on him “Pfft. You barely last 12 hours.” I laugh & tell him that I had a dream about him too. He replies “Pfft.” As I knew he would. He asks how I normally take my drug “Do you inject it? Inhale it? Pretty sure you take it orally. Maybe you insert it?” I laugh at him, knowing I’m he’s drug too, this song fits so well here….

I tell him the dream was weird because he walked past me at the supermarket while I was picking out tomatoes. I tell him that I didn’t sleep well, but better than I have been sleeping because of my nephew sleeping diagonally in my king sized bed. Silverlining tells me to go back to sleep, but I say that my nephew is awake now. He says that kids should be banned from the bed & he’s cheeky saying he can help me with my tomatoes, then he says actually he’ll help me with my melons.

I remind him about the time he bought me the milk & pizza base that I couldn’t get one time, I said something to him that day & he brought it out when he was meeting me for a lunch time fuck. “You are so fucking thoughtful & sweet” He really was sweet & thoughtful, I didn’t ask for it, I just said I was pissed my store didn’t have them & when I picked him up for lunch, I knew he felt weird as he sort of just threw them in the back seat, didn’t really say anything to me. It was the sweetest thing ever. He says “Pfft, I’m really a dick. Asshole apparently. Big asshole. Let’s not give your ex too much credit” I say “I always loved how much you loved when I popped my melons out of my dress in the back of the car… FUCK… Just remembering that look on your face when ever you saw me in lingerie or just naked…” He always made me feel like the sexiest thing alive, no one else has ever done that before or since. He tells me that I look fucking hot in lingerie.

I’m still on the asshole thing too “I get why you were an asshole. You felt backed into a corner. However you could’ve made different choices…. You were just stupid & manipulated… I guess because how much of a dick you were in groups etc, I never thought you’d be manipulated like that… At my expense.” He doesn’t reply to that but says that he’s at the gym & can’t get hard, I need to stop putting sexy thoughts in his head. I tell him that I still look hot in lingerie with a winky face… Fuck, why is it so easy to flirt with him? “Such an amazing sight when your tits were poking out in a dress …” He also says that any guy is missing out that isn’t admiring my hotness and lingerie. He says that his eyes couldn’t hide how he felt when I wore lingerie. He definitely tried not too show me that face but like he says that he’d be shit at poker. Neither of us have a poker face.

I show him the lingerie I was wearing the night Motocross & I didn’t fuck, I tell him that I want to show him me in it & he says that I’m a fucking tease. I tell him “I would. I want too. Remind you what you’re missing. You refused to look at me at the show… I couldn’t not look at you.” He says that he was scared to look at me – I guess cos he didn’t want her to see him looking at me. He says he’s not looking good but at the gym now. I wonder how he knew it was me at the show if he didn’t look then, I mean I know he’s said that he felt me, but how did he know. I felt him with every fibre of my being, but I honestly didn’t think he’d feel it too. He just he felt me, he even felt me before she said anything.

I ask him if he has a tattoo on his forearm & he says yes he has tattoos… Because of the way he replies, I think fuck they got stupid matching tattoos, but he says no, but got a couple on his arm, exactly like the Doppleganger. OMG they’re more alike every second! He talks about how he’s put on weight in the last 2 months but he’s been doing keto & trying to lose the weight. He then sends me pictures of his tattoos, I send him a picture of my new one that I got after we ended too, that’s on my side, I look skinny in the picture & I feel good about my tattoo. He just says looks nice & suits me. I tell him that he probably looks sexier with tattoos, I always wondered if he’d get some, I remember talking about it & I didn’t think he liked them but now he’s saying he wants a sleeve. OMG, what a turn around!

He says that he’s been told he looks sexier with tattoos, I almost roll my eyes, of course his partner now someone else wanted him, she’s telling him he looks good… She should’ve done that for the last 10 years! I get pissed off, I mean I used to tell him all the time he was sexy, had a big cock but he never believed me, she tells him & he believes her. “Why do you always do that? Believe others over me? I talked to you every day for over 14 months, Fucked you every week for over a year & yet, you always believe everyone else over me?!” Wouldn’t you believe the person who loves you the most? “BTW I’d just assumed you’d be happy and all moved on and have some fucking amazing guy for an amazing chick and you’d be long taken and no where on the app so yeah didn’t think I’d bump into you again. I believe you found me hot … I really do. I just thought I wasn’t good enough for you so kinda down played it ? I still don’t think I’m cool enough for you. I’m more than a self-confessed geek, I’m a fucking geek. Lol” Not this old chestnut.

#IBD4U

I’ve always wanted to get married. 100%, hands down, I always thought I would. I never thought I would be close to 40 (yes scarily, I am close to 40) & not even close to having been married. I definitely never thought that I would have only ever fallen in love once in my life either & only technically had one boyfriend. I’ve not always wanted kids of my own but I knew that I did want to get married, that I wanted that special day with the person I love – not that I knew what love was till recently. Maybe that’s why when I pictured my wedding day it changed a lot & the man would never have a face? He was always tall with dark hair in my fantasy, despite me loving blonde dudes, I have only ever had “relationships” with men with dark brown hair, ironically. But it was always about the wedding, not really what the wedding represented.

For my wedding, when I was younger, I always wanted the big white wedding, with the big poofy dress, I wanted that big day, with hundreds of people, lots of presents (from a gift registry that I got to walk around the store with a scanning gun!) & a giant 4 tiered cake. When I was Boyfriend, I thought about marrying him, of course – we owned a house together, I thought that the house was more of a commitment than a wedding to be perfectly honest. But I never really imagined anything but the wedding with him, I never thought about the marriage or what our life would be like, it was more about the wedding day & that special moment. However as I got older & older – with no marriage in sight, the dream changes a lot.

I’ve never really talked about a wedding before, my dream, my fantasy wedding – what I would do, what I picture, what I’d wear all that type of stuff. I didn’t picture a face on the man I wanted to marry until I met Silverlining. My dream changed when I met him & fell in love with him & started planning my marriage to him. My marriage, not wedding. It became this thing, it wasn’t about the wedding, I won’t deny I didn’t want a wedding because I did, I do. However, the dream was beyond the wedding day, I planned our life in my head post wedding. It wasn’t just about the immediate future, it was about our lives together & I think that’s when things change for me.

The wedding became, in my head only of course, a small intimate affair of only about 40 or 50 people, if not less than that. It would be at my – correction our house, that I own now, we would have done it up together, using the money we would’ve spent on a wedding, on renovating our dream house together. I know SilverLining told me ages ago that he wanted his wedding at a winery. I always thought this was weird being he doesn’t really drink wine, so I don’t dream of this wedding day at a winery – anyway this is my dream, not his. Hahaha.

To start off the day, I would wake up next to him, there would be none of this bad luck bullshit people go on about. We would start the day probably by fucking & getting ready together.

I would be at the event to greet the guests in a green dress, my hair long & curly with my white Jimmy Choos that I’ve never worn ($750 shoes in my wardrobe), he’d be there by my side, his hand on the small of my back as we had some canapes made by my talented cousin who has a catering business in Melbourne, I’d ask her to do everything food wise for me. As the sun was setting the twinkle lights would come on, I’d go get changed into my slim line gown which has a deep V in the front & back. Our celebrant would be my year 7 school teacher who I reconnected with on the cruise a few years ago, I have a photographer picked out who I’d bought a picture from at a flee market once & then I followed on Facebook for years – we would do no posed pictures only candid snaps, I hate all that shit of looking down at the bouquet, or worse the picture of the bride & groom kissing under her veil. OMG! NO.

Our cake would be a cheese wheel tower & a macaron tower of different green maraons. When the time came I would walk down the aisle to a song cannon in d major with both my parents by my side. His kids would be there of course, a little flower girl & page boy (whatever they’re called these days). Our families so proud & happy for us that we are truly happy together – especially his family that he is truly with someone supportive, loving & caring. He would kiss me when I got to the end of aisle, none of the traditional waiting till the end of the ceremony, I have been with him long enough, I don’t need to wait till the end of the ceremony to kiss him. I hate that awkward moment when the bride gets to her groom & they just stand there looking at each other, I want a moment with my soon to be husband. (Even though we’ve probably had sex this morning! & kissed a lot today. Hahaha)

During the ceremony we can’t take our eyes off each other, we are so in love, so in tune with each other, nothing else exists but us. He is looking at me just like she wants in that movie 27 Dresses. Like no one else in the world has ever looked so beautiful. We say those vows, vows we write for each other. It would be an amazing day. When we kiss again at the end when they say you may now kiss, I know I am kissing the last man that I am ever going to love. 

We would eat the cheese & macarons, with a live band that I had selected from my friends 40th birthday, she had her aunty & partner, a two piece, do some acoustic songs & I would have them as the music. There would be minimal speeches, both of us not wanting to have the day drained with the usual formalities of a wedding, no garter or bouquet toss. But there would be a first dance with my Husband. – OMG I love calling him my my husband. My song would come on from my favourite band Muse called Aftermath, it has a long intro & it’s sort of like a scene from a movie, where a guy is looking for someone in the crowd then they crowd parts & there she is… Well that would happen – of course, he’d ask me to dance & we’d dance to this song, he’d hold me close, I would know I am safe & with the man who truly loves me.

Here’s the song for those who like to listen while reading!

(The film clip is a bit weird, but listen to the words & it’s just beautiful.)

After everyone has gone & someone is baby sitting his kids, we’d go to the bedroom or hotel & make love the only way we know how, hot, hard, steamy, kinky & sexy. The kind of sex you all like to hear about, but of course it would be us connecting in the deepest way we can.

He would now be wearing a ring I gave him & I would be wearing his, the most sexy thing for me on a man is sometimes knowing he’ll wear a wedding ring. The rings mean something to me, I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of your love for one another & as corny as that it, I truly believe that wearing his ring is more than a symbol. I know he’ll wear the ring & be super proud to have me by his side for our marriage. The wedding day just a blip in our story but a day where we think of nothing else but each other, about what we’re committing to – what we’ve already committed too. Our lives are already intertwined, even though we don’t have kids together, we have built a family.
So I also dreamed of the honeymoon, as you all know I am a very keen traveller, I usually travel as a backpacker or something equally as cheap, never spending an extravagant amount on any sort of travel I do, however my honeymoon is different. I have always dreamed of going to Bora Bora. I hear it’s super expensive to go, but because we only care about the marriage, not the wedding day, we’ve saved enough to splurge on a week in Bora Bora, in a hut over the sea, that I wear nothing but a bikini & I feel so sexy because this man adores me & thinks I am the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. We’d have room service, cocktails & make kinky love everyday.

Now I know people cheat (obviously) – whoa, way to change the subject from that blissful romantic setting… But I know marriages fall apart – sometimes quickly, sometimes they take a while. I am not pretending it is, nor have not said the word “perfect” in this post at all. I don’t believe that anything is perfect, nor should it be. Our wedding day & marriage would be what we make it. But I genuinely believe that on your own wedding day regardless of anything that happens in the future with the marriage, on the wedding day you think of nothing else than your future with your partner in front of you – the person you want to spend your life with. Nothing else or no one else crosses your mind. The day is perfect in your eyes.

There is nothing more I wanted than to entwine my life with Silverlining & have him call me his wife. Not just because he doesn’t like the word Fiance, but because I am genuinely & legally his wife. Someone he can rely on, trust & be honest with – be equal with, a relationship that includes no games or manipulation. No lies, no tracking phones, no bullshit, open honest communication even when it hurts – we’re good at that because the make up sex is amazing.
I know that this post is all about what I want. I am obviously open to what he wants on the day, such as the winery idea however, this is just my dream, just me hopes for the day. Where ever we got married would be alright with me. We are committing to each other, to be really honest, if he wanted to elope or just do it at the registry office, I would do whatever he wanted.
Our life post wedding, wouldn’t be all roses & rainbows or good times… I know that! We are very different people, but we’ve adapted to living together prior to getting married, me with my neat freakishness & him with is hoarding messy lifestyle. But we work well together. We have his kids week on, week off – unfortunately that’s probably not been smooth sailing with his ex partner, but we make it work & we make sure his kids are in his life as much as possible. Making sure they are in her life too. I never want them to forget either parent.
We are a team. A unit. No hiding messages or deleting apps daily. We are who we want to be. We aren’t happy every day & we might fight sometimes, but we always are a partnership.

As the song goes ‘From this moment, you will never be alone, bound together, now & forever, the loneliness has gone.’

#IBD4U

Some of you get it & some of you don’t! Some of you are saying here we go again, some of you are excited like me about the prospect of this being more than another affair or just getting some answers or closure. I don’t know what it is going to be, if anything. But man oh man, I want to see Silverlining. But can I see him just once more & be ok? Will all those feelings come rushing back? I mean they are already back but if I see him will that change things? Will I be as in love with him as I once was? Would it change anything? Has the time apart changed anything?

I’ve made it no secret that I haven’t gotten over him & never will, he’s said the same to me too, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you that I am back here again, regardless of the reason, I am back here & I am fully prepared for what might happen.

Silverlining is still telling me what a burden he would’ve been on me, his debt, having to live with me rent free, his kids, He says that he has too much pride & is stubborn – this I know! He says that he was surprised that the chemistry came back so easily too, but that’s how he knew it was me he was talking too. I tell him that he wouldn’t have been rent free with me but we would’ve made it work, I was in no way going to pay off his debt for him but we would’ve worked it out. I tell him the kids weren’t a burden for me, as much as I don’t want kids of my own, I always pictured his kids with my family & living with us week on week off, if she allowed that, I guess. He says that it was nice seeing me that day with his kids. I tell him again that it wasn’t up to him to decide what I was willing to take on, I knew what I was in for, to be honest, the debt & kids were the least of the worries, what worried me more was the crazy woman who knows where I live & where he would be living. I didn’t care about the debt or child support, all that stuff is just part of life, but the nutso that would probably drive past when we had the kids or try to keep them from him would be the hardest struggle for both of us, however I was prepared for that. He tells me that he did make that decision for me, that it’s not my fault & I blame myself way too much, he has self-esteem issues, which I know he does. I say that if I hadn’t of been protecting myself & he knew that I was having fantasies about living with him then he I wouldn’t have any regrets. He says that he doesn’t think it would’ve changed anything, after she pulled the stunt, he pretty much says that he wasn’t going anywhere – not in those except words but I know because he’s said the same before.

Since he’s mentioned before that he read our emails again recently, I am reminded of the gifs & videos I sent to that email so that he could keep them & watch when ever he wanted being that he couldn’t save anything on his phone or anywhere else, this email was & is something she doesn’t know about. He says “Yep … The gifs omg … Let’s not talk about that … lol. I actually just got a semi thinking about them wtf” I laugh & remind me of the hottest one where I licked his cock from the balls to the tip & then sucked it in while in front of the mirror. All he replies with is my name. I literally burst out laughing & say his back. He says “Seriously. Shhhh. Just had to tuck my cock into my belt ffs” I haven’t thought about those pictures for a long time, having deleted everything off my phone, I still have it all on a USB in case something happened to me, my sister would have them but at least it wasn’t easy access in my cloud or something. I say that “We had some good times… White dress, car wash, you in your suit, pool table…. Hmmmm!” & I know what he is going to reply, it’s my name with extra letters of my name at the end like IBD4UUUUUUUU. “I’m going to have to jerk off to you next time bitch lol” I tell him that we were always very sexual & every time we fought we just fucked & it was ok. “lol seemed to solve our issues. Seriously tho … Don’t make me want to fuck you so bad lol” I know he’s added the lol because he wants it & is testing the waters with me, to see if I’d do it, without asking. Would I fuck him again? I’d definitely see him, which I’m pretty sure would lead to sex eventually, I think it’s inevitable to be honest with you, if we even meet for a genuine coffee (not that either of drink coffee). It’s not a good idea but I genuinely think about it.

I remind him about the one & only time we fucked in the car to the song Periscope. That I was desperate to tell him I was madly in love with him but even though we were nose to nose, sharing the most intimate thing a couple can do & listening to the song that made him realise he loved me & I couldn’t say it. He says “You should of told me. I do wish we had held hands … I’m surprised we never did. I tried to hold affection back so much from you. But lucky for you I always gave it to you“ He did always show me more affection than I showed him. I played with his hair sometimes in the car, but didn’t know if he liked it or not. He says he struggled but he did it. I struggled & obviously still struggle because I can’t show Motocross any affection. I tell him that the last day I ever saw him at my house & I was rubbing his back, that it took everything I had in me to do that. I tell him it was hard for me, I mean I was the other woman, always feeling never quite good enough, you know because if I was good enough, he would’ve left her. He says “Like I’m such a loser , I even went and got you a pack of cheezels once after fucking you” I remind him “That was like the sweetest thing ever… I loved that you did that.” He says that he didn’t want to get too attached, neither did I & he didn’t want me to get too attached, he says “Massive fail there” we both got attached, the cheezel thing was very early on, like only about the 4 or 5 time that we fucked. He says “I rubbed your back a lot … and clit.” I say that there isn’t a part of my body he hasn’t touched, he tells me not to talk about touching my body because his hard on just died down. Then he says “I loved the way you cummed … The way you squirted. Ok. It’s back again …” I say that he’s the only man I’ve ever looked in they eyes while fucking before. He says that he struggles with looking anyone in the eye & I remind him that we did, not early on but we did look at each other a lot, when I begged him to let me cum when he was teasing me, or the first time we came together on the couch, I said that was when I realised we were making love, even though the sex was hot, sexy & hard. “Fuck how early were we making love” He replies with an emoji. I say that I’ve never cum with another guy before at the same time, but I think we had feelings for each other before we even met. He says “Umm. I’d agree with that. There was a strong connection there. We really liked each other. It’s not often you cum with someone at the same time. That’s a rare connection. You can’t deny I didn’t love you now …” Yeah I guess so, that’s a rare connection but if I had it before with someone, which it sounds like he hasn’t, then I’d never want to give that up. I didn’t want to give that up. I say that clearly that connection is still present, but I just find it hard to believe he felt like I did if he was ok to give that connection up. He replies “Really because men don’t pack up there shit ready to leave their wife for no reason. Or for good sex… “ OMG I’m so sick of hearing he was leaving her for me… I snap “You did that cos she went through your phone & found messages (Saying he still loved me to someone else on the chat app) Not because you wanted to be with me” He can’t deny that. He wasn’t leaving her till his partner went through his phone & he hadn’t deleted the chat app. “It was the final nail in the coffin … Final push I needed. I wanted to be with you dumbass.” Yet he went back. “Things get complicated sometimes” But the truth is, he didn’t believe my love for him, that’s why he went back, now it’s his turn to snap “Would you shut the fuck up . It wasn’t that. Stop fucking blaming yourself.” I know that he was scared of losing his kids, there was no way after a stunt like that she’d get awarded custody. But he says that he didn’t want to take that risk “And now you know why I ghosted you because of this. *waves our connection around*” I actually laugh at the thought of him waving his hands around. He says he had to ghost me. I remind him how angry he got at me for suggesting that we ghost each other if the affair went pear shaped, he went nuts at me. “Well what do you expect , I was madly in love with love with you. And the only reason you wanted to do it was for the SAME EXACT reason. So don’t judge me” with a smiley emoji. I literally smile at the fact that he is now all uppity about it. He says it’s a bad idea what we’re doing right now. I still struggle to believe he’s thinking about me still after all this time, I ask what he thought of reading those emails, he says his standard “No comment” I tell him that I’m not accepting that & he says “You poured your fucking heart out. They are hard to read. But I know you loved me very much . More than I ever could have ever imagined. You talk about raising my kids , a wedding … I knew after those emails how much you loved me. Haha no sex was mentioned tho. But I found the gifs too” He tells me not to read the emails if I can help it, even with his lack of empathy they were hard for him to read. I tell him that I did want to marry him & have his kids in my life. He says that he knows. But I think he only knows because he re-read them, I’m glad he did because at the time, I know he would’ve just read them & his self esteem would’ve stopped him from believing anything contained in them, now that he has perspective, he can actually read the content without being negative about what was going on in his life. It’s actually a relief to be honest, regardless of what happens next, I am thankful he’s re-read them & thought about how I felt back then, how I still feel…

#IBD4U

It’s so true. No one will ever know what another person really goes through. As much as I share my intimate details here, you’re all objective when you think about what has happened with Silverlining. That’s easy, I’m completely objective & give the best advice when friends ask. However I am not objective here, I am seeing the ripped up dreams of being with the man I love quietly sticky tapped back together. If that becomes a reality or if I am set for another heart break, I don’t know. However, I don’t want any more regrets.

I say that the universe is fucked. FUCKING UNIVERSE! I mean it’s been a year, what does it mean to pull us together again as strangers? If it was as ourselves, in a park or supermarket or something, I don’t think it would mean as much, but the fact that we were strangers for 2 weeks before we admitted it was each other & saw each other at the show, I mean that fucking means something, but what?

I tell him “The thing that killed me the most was you sneaking into my house to get your stuff then saying ‘at least we got a kiss goodbye’ like fuck, I wanted to kill you. I saw your stuff gone & crumbled.” It was like a scene from a movie, I slid down a wall & howled. He had messaged to say that he got his stuff back so I knew it was gone, that he’d snuck into my house & took it but actually seeing it all gone when it was only here for less than 24 hours was an unbelievable sight. He says that he’s sorry that I had him so close “I felt so bad … You have no idea.”  I don’t think he felt bad at all, but he says that he struggles with empathy, which I knew already. He says that he didn’t cry when he was caught, he was upset that he was caught but not by what he’d done. “She thinks I’m a psychopath based on my actions … My lack of empathy , I didn’t care I had cheated on her.” I don’t believe this, I mean I know he doesn’t show emotion & I was always surprised that he even could say that he loved me based on his childhood but he didn’t give a shit what happened to me, but cared about what happened to her, he says “Yet I ended up at your house with all my stuff … So did I really care that much about her. I give a shit, gave a shit. I struggle with empathy, not my strongest point. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or care for you.” I am angry again. “You ended up here because you didn’t want your family to know & you used me that day… It was never about actually wanting to be with me. Was convenient. & as always, I was available for you.” He tells me that he didn’t use me that day – which he’s told me before when I said similar, that he isn’t lying after all the time. He asks if I know how hard it was for him to tell me that he loved me or that he was breaking up with his partner of 10 years which is why I fucking snap “You should’ve stayed home, broken up with her then come to me. You can see it your own way Silverlining, but you used me!” I get the predicament he was in, but they were texting non-stop & when he put his phone down to pay me some attention, she called him incessantly, it’d ring out then she’d call again & again until he replied to her texts, all day while he was at my house. He never answered her calls, except by accident & she was sobbing. It pissed me off because he brought the kids to my house & I looked after the 2 month old baby while he messaged her – all fucking day. His reply hits me “If all this is true why do you still love me?”  While I 100% can answer this, I know why I still love him, it still knocks me for a six. “I know it must’ve been hard because it was hard for me to say it too… So fucking hard that I used the stupid heart emoji all the time. Because I can’t just turn off how I feel about you because you hurt me…. It was epic for me. Absolutely changed my life & who I am.”

I always used the heart emoji instead of the word love because I didn’t want to get too involved with him, because we both knew it was wrong, but I one day thought that our love would conquer all the bullshit & we would be together. He says “I had no idea how much you loved me , I knew you loved me. And I knew that you knew I loved you. I just assumed I had made you loveable , and equipped you with the emotional skills and sexyness to easily move on and you’d be fine. My god you were sexy. And I opened you up and know I made you feel capable of love … and being loved. I saw it in your eyes when you saw me … It was also the cause of frustration towards the end.” I knew he didn’t realise how much I loved him, it’s my regret for not telling him more, knowing he needed to hear it, also I needed to say it, just as much as he needed to hear it, I needed to say it to remind myself that this was something special for both of us.

I tell him that I know he didn’t believed how much I loved him, because I didn’t say it. But I was protecting myself & also I was really scared because I knew that with his self-esteem issues that make him believe that people don’t care for him, (I know that sounds narcissistic, but you don’t know his full story – so while I agree he is a narcissist sometimes, there are some reasons behind it.) when push came to shove, he wouldn’t believe my love for him, he says that he knows I loved him but he realises now that he didn’t know how much, because I held that back – protecting myself. Have I done this with others like Noddy or Motocross? Then they pull away because I don’t give too much of myself? I’ve been single a long time, Silverlining knows that I am set in my ways, that always scared him too. Maybe that scares others too?!

I also tell him that I felt like I loved him more than he loved me, I mean he had a whole other life with a partner & kids, that I felt like I was more in it than he was, I mean he always said he wouldn’t leave here. I curse the fact that I never told him face to face & tell him that I regret that more than he would believe. He says that he knew I loved him even though I didn’t say it, “I just thought I was the idiot who loved you more. I had no idea you were also having fantasies of us living together… You have no idea how much I pictured it while I was at our house.”  FUCK, would things be different if I opened up? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I wish I wasn’t so closed & now I’m thinking I’m too closed with Motocross… Would things be different with Motocross if I just asked the awkward questions & opened up? Is it too late for a happy ending with Motocross?! Or would the be the same because he’s a douche?

I tell Silverlining that I pictured him & his kids here on a Sunday night when I was with my nieces & nephews who are about the same age, I imagined them playing together. I tell him that I wanted him more than I wanted anything, that it hurt me when he used me being clean & tidy as one of the reasons not to be with me. He says that it was his children that influenced his decision more than anything – which I knew & understood. They were part of the reason I stopped emailing him too. He looked at every negative aspect that he would have on my life & tried to convince himself that he wasn’t good enough for me. “That’s not your fault. It’s mine” I just can’t help but wonder, if I had been more open about wanting him in my life, if I had of been more open about telling him how much I love him, would things have gone down differently? Or would they be there same but with less regret & therefore no need to talk to him now? He says that he didn’t want to burden me, he didn’t want to scab off me, he felt like all the debt he had would do that to me. I tell him that I have some restraint that I didn’t tell the stranger everything when he asks why I didn’t say this to him, he says “You’re good with restraints”  & just like that we’re back to being flirty & cheeky, just like we were. He says he can’t believe that I can flirt with him after everything, I reply “I flirt because we have stupid insane chemistry. I can’t help it. If you asked to meet me, I probably would. Your my drug, I’m a junkie. I can’t resist.”

And just like Alice…

I fall down the rabbit hole once more.

#IBD4U

I will be honest with you (which I always am way too honest here but you know what I mean, hahaha) I struggled so much with the decision to write the Silverlining chapters of my #IBD4U story. It’s not easy writing about something when you know what has actually happend in real life. Good or bad. So I wasn’t going to write about this at all – gloss over it, skip a few months, especially since I know the reaction from some readers already. This is going to be hard for some of you to read now we know who he is, this is going to be hard for me to write, this is just going to be hard – moving forward! But remember, you are reading my diary, none of us can change it! This is emotional for me too, I have been through a lot, not only with Silverlining in the past, but think about all the douches I have dated since, no winder I am still in love with him.Imagine being my friend in real life & living this shit with me?! How many said what you have said in the comments on Facebook. I lied to a lot of people about chatting to him again, about wanting to see him again, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to tell him I love him to his face. For an oversharer like me, as you can may have been able to tell, I am pretty much like this in real life, I dominate conversations & talk about myself a lot (not on purpose, but I have a lot of stories). I don’t often go into as much detail in real life, depending on the audience, but I generally am very open. So lying – not actually lying, but not telling the whole story, to people close to me at this time, is not at all in my nature. I hate it. & maybe that should be a sign that I am questioning what I am doing or know that it is not right. However, nothing has ever felt as good as being in love with Silverlining. No matter how heartbreaking it was, those 18 months with him were some of the best times of my life. Admitting I love him still is so fucking hard, I mean, I don’t want to love him after what has happened, but that fucking heart of mine was opened & now I can’t close it to him!He tells me that he avoided anything on the anonymous app that resembled me, I tell him that I haven’t used the app in months in fear of seeing him, especially since I just assume that he’s happy & over me. “I will never get over you but anyways” FUCK! Why is he still with her if that’s the case?! I tell him that it’s almost 12 months to the day since we stopped emailing, he says that he’s been reading them recently & suggests I don’t read them again if I can help it, that they’re really hard to read.He asks when I worked out it was him, I had my suspicions from the first message when he said something about squirting like a porn star, no one has ever used that phrase with me before. He says he could tell from the first conversation with me but not the first message – he said he never 100% knew but was suspicious, I mean I didn’t know for sure either, but I was super suspicious & was lured in right away. I tell him that I just knew it was him after I saw him at the show, I just knew, but I wanted him to expose himself before I said who I was but I could tell from the times he was online that it was him, it was blatantly obvious.I say that I was glad to get some stuff off my chest that he couldn’t really respond too without telling me who he is, he even says that I got mad when he told me who he was. Well of course I did! I was fucking furious that he has catfished me! I mean he had a massive go at me for apparently doing it to him & chatting to his partner, I mean how dare he do it to me & it be ok! Although I suppose I did know it was him too, but I was 100% myself. Spilling the beans about my Epic Love.But stupidly I have calmed down a bit about the catfishing, I mean this is the man I love – despite what I should be feeling, he makes me fucking angry & calm all at the same time. I tell him that I noticed it was him because of how the commas aren’t ever against the word, there’s always a space, he says he doesn’t know how that happens but he also noticed that I would stop chatting or not reply when I knew he was offline. I tell him that I was never going to admit it was me, I am stubborn, I know he is too so I’m not sure why he’s always the first one to admit it, he even says “Eh someone had to admit the truth and it’s always me first” Yeah because I didn’t want to stop talking to him just yet, I know we need to stop but not just yet! I tell him that I needed him to know somethings about how I feel about us & he says that he has some demons about what happened with us too, so I’m not alone. I also tell him that it was obvious how he kept calling me a loser all the time, he always did that & did that a lot while pretending to give me advice about Motocross. He said he tried not to call me a loser because he knew that was a dead giveaway, which it was, I mean some of the phrases he used, you wouldn’t use with a stranger, but only with someone you knew intimately. He made it obvious that it was him.He laughs about trying to back out once I pretended that I didn’t know what he meant. He says that he tried to back out because he genuinely thought I didn’t realise that it was him.I open up “A year later after we stopped emailing, you are still trolling online for something… It fucking hurts me deeply to know you’re not 100% happy & never will be with her. I knew you knew it was me, so wanted you to think I’d moved on… I’ve told you I’m emotionally retarded. You knew this from day one with me. Was never a secret. Who wants to be the loser still pinning for their married ex whatever, a year & a half after he broke your heart?” I am hurt, I am distraught that he is looking for a connection online, whatever that connection is, he is looking for something & the fact that he’s not coming to me for that hurts. I mean I get that we said we wanted to be friends but lets face it, that never works & we would never be able to be friends. As much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can just be friends with him. He says he’s not trolling online, but filling time at work. (We talk about our work issues later so I realise that this is exactly what he is doing. Filling time, just like I am.)I ask him “Why is it always so hard for you to realise my feelings for you?” he says that he doesn’t find it hard – which I call bull shit but he says “Why is it so hard to realize yours for me?” FUCK! I tell him that I do know my feelings for him, I mean I am always thinking about my fucking feelings for him! They are always in the forefront of my mind, they are always in my heart, hurting me every time I think about not being with him. He asks “Why do you not think I epically loved you? I loved you so much #IBD4U and it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it from you even know I knew I was meant to. And I will always love you. It’s something that will never go away.” Now is the time to get some other things off my chest, he’s talking consistently with me, I don’t know how much longer it will last, I mean this morning he revealed himself, tomorrow he may not log back on after this or worse he might ghost me… I don’t know what will happen but we still have things to say. I am angry again that he says he’ll always love me, I say “You said to me that you’d never let me walk away, that you were into deep… The first test & you let me walk. I don’t care about the excuses why, if it was epic for you as it was for me then you never would’ve let it go. There was always some doubt about me for you, which is why you chose the way you did…” He tells me what I need to hear & stupidly I know it’s probably bullshit, that this man is a smooth talker, but he tells me “It was a series of unfortunate events and the situation I was in that lead me to the path I took. It was never you. I wish you never blamed yourself. And you had me so close its funny. You had my bags in your house …” & my reply to him, “That’s what hurts the most”, it’s so excruciating knowing how close I was to my potential happy ever after & he tried to change the subject by saying that people will kill me for talking to him – yeah they probably will… “People never understood why I loved you… Especially after what you did to me… No one understands what we went through, besides us… No one will ever understand why I need to talk to you now… I don’t think you even will fully understand it. But I think you need to talk to me too… We both knew it was each other & made no attempts to stop talking.”

#IBD4U

This is a bit premature in the story timeline with Silverlining but I know you all want a Motocross post to find out what is happening with him! So this is a shorter one, because I don’t want to give too much away but you need some answers to your questions! Hahaha.

My family don’t end up coming over on Sunday so I send Motocross a text being that I sort of expected to hear from him later in the evening about when he is coming over, he hasn’t ever bailed or not come over when he said he would, he’s been quite consistent and regular actually, why would tonight be any different?! What woman at this point, wouldn’t think this is going somewhere?! I’m not sure what men are thinking, I do have some male readers & would love your opinion of this guy, is Silverlining right about Motocross?

I leave it till really late in the afternoon to message him. “Hey, my family isn’t coming over tonight… If you’re keen to catch up earlier tonight” He replies that he’s just about to finish his last ride (WHAT?!) & he’ll come after that. Even his lies are getting confused, wasn’t he in Darwin this weekend? Now is he trying to say that he’s been riding at the show? Because the rides were much later than this when I went to the show last weekend. Fuck, I have to get to the bottom of this. Ok so tonight is the night, I am going to ask him some questions I need to find out what the deal is with this dude because honestly, it’s doing my head in.

At 6:30 pm he comes over, no kiss, ho hug hello, as usual we sit on the opposite ends of the couch & he talks at nauseum about his cousin who had a stroke, he talks about Melbourne & his trip there but not his trip to Darwin, he talks so much oddly – the most he’s ever talked really, in detail & genuinely seems sad about what’s going on in his life, that I just don’t get to ask him anything about us (for lack of a better word), I know you all hate me for not doing so, I hate me too, I mean I deserve some answers to my questions, however, how can I ask what the fuck is going on when he has talked at length about his cousin who is possibly dying, who is my age?! FUCK. Motocross sort of finally opening up… When he isn’t talking about his cousin, he’s asking me about my trip to Brisbane. Like he knows I am going to ask him questions. He asks where I am staying, what I’m doing there & how long I am going to be there, so many questions & the way he asks, almost like he is hinting for an invitation.

When he finally stops talking, he makes a move on me & we kiss. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 weeks – which is like a lifetime for me but we have seen each other a fair few times so I’m still not sure what the whole no sex thing is about. The sex isn’t that great tonight to be honest. He doesn’t even seem to get as hard as he usually does, I don’t even cum – not bothering to even try at this point. But lying there afterwards he says that he felt revirginised. I assume that’s a good thing that he now feels no longer like a virgin?! I mean he’s seen me, we could’ve had sex, it’s not like I’ve been turning him down!

I get up quicker than I usually would, I tend to wait for the guy to make the move to leave, but this time I am actually over this guy… I mean what is his deal, he didn’t get that hard, he doesn’t seem interested, I now know that Silverlining is Noodle, I am done trying to work out what Motocross wants. I don’t know what is going to happen with Silverlining, but I know that I don’t ever want a relationship like Motocross is offering me.

I stand in front of the heater, in the most unsexy pjs I could find & bend over (I don’t remember why now, but I remember bending over – probably warming up my hands) I also recall with Boyfriend every time I bent over to do something mundane like pack our dishwasher, he would dry hump me from behind, I always thought it was weird & didn’t understand it – I guess because it was the first time I had lived with a man. Now I know that this is what men do, even if you’ve just fucked them, that it’s now weird when I bend over & a guy I’m with doesn’t dry hump my ass from behind with a boyish giggle.

As I stand up though, Motocross comes up behind me like he knows that I am not feeling this with him or something, he hugs be from behind & I find myself leaning back into him. FUCK. He says goodbye & walks to the door hugging me again a goodbye saying he’ll message me tomorrow. I laugh & he says what. I mean I’ve had this conversation with him before. I have told him not to say he’ll message if he’s not going too because I will wait for the message like a loser. So tonight I just say you won’t message so don’t say you will. He says he will, I roll my eyes knowing he won’t & by 11:30 pm he is gone.

I am now on holidays for three weeks from work, just for some time off & to go to Brisbane to visit my friends. I have to go into work to do some things on the Monday & I wait for him to message – all fucking day, you guessed it, I never get a message. I am honestly going to just let him go, but when “Spoiler Alert” I organise to catch up with Silverling & it doesn’t happen (story to come obviously) I feel shit about myself & text Motocross “Hey, thanks for the message yesterday hahaha. Just wondering what you’re up too? My friend just bailed on lunch & I’m now just sitting at home. Wondered if you’re free?” I’m dressed, I look pretty, why waste it?! He replies 20 minutes later saying “Hey Yeeah actually through about it last night but was to late to message I thought. I’m doing supercross testing today with me mechanic. I’m sorry I’m not free tho” I don’t reply, which maybe I should’ve but I don’t & then I don’t hear from him again.

But again feeling sorry for myself, later in the week when my family are leaving & ask how his week was. He says that he’s had a good week & flying home tomorrow, meaning he’s not in Adelaide to see me like he usually does. I tell him that I go away Wednesday afternoon that if he would like to catch up before I go, to let me know. He replies the next say saying we’ll see how we go. I am like you’re a fuckwit Motocross I’m done with this so I write back “Well, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to catch up, I’m not going to keep making all the plans.” I expect that I’ll never hear from him again, but when my phone starts buzzing 30 minutes later, it’s fucking Motocross! WHAT THE FUCK does he want?! We chat for a bit & he says that he really wants to catch up but he’s not in Adelaide at the moment, he apologises & seems sincere then he says that he ‘was going to surprise my in Brisbane.’ Stupidly, I am a fuck wit who smiles like a wanker, then gives out my itinerary. So he didn’t need to call, that was his out to ghost me, so surely this guy is sincere?

OMG, he’s going to come ‘surprise’ me in Brisbane, this is so exciting! I start thinking about how the logistics of this will work… Am I just a loser thinking he will actually come?!

#IBD4U

I know Silverlining (As he will now be called because I can’t handle calling him Noodle anymore) has two kids with this woman, but how is it ever ok that you have to stop your partner from going to someone else’s house with the intent to harm them? Or calling them a crazy bitch when you have chosen to stay with her!? How can he even want to be with someone like that? How can she want to be with someone like him? How can I even want to be with someone like him? I get that I fucked her partner very regularly for 18 months & after she found out about us we still talked for a further 6 months (which I’m not sure she knows that part but surely she has to know that he didn’t just cut someone off she knows he loved cold turkey), but I am not the enemy here. He did that to her, I didn’t have any commitment to her, I have no ties with her, I have never lied to her, I don’t even know her. HE is the one committed to her, disrespecting & betraying her.

This is the part of cheating I hate & don’t think I could get over – to think about what he might be saying about me. I can’t honestly say that if it wasn’t me cheating with Silverlining 18 months ago, it would have been someone else, I do believe he is loyal & not a player, that we got caught up in it by having that chemistry online, I don’t think he genuinely was looking to actually cheat on her. I mean he could’ve had multiple affairs with people on the chat app while seeing me but didn’t & I stopped seeing other people too because of our where our relationship went, our chemistry & our passion. I mean I also hate to think about what Silverlining has told his partner about me, I mean he says he’s told her as little as possible but I’m assuming if he’s calling the woman he’s been with for 10 years a crazy bitch, imagine what he’s saying about me to her!?

I am very well aware of what I should do, what you all will tell me to do in the comments on Facebook after you’ve read this. Some of you get it though, some of you don’t understand the pull I have with him that I need to see this through, I don’t know what might happen at this point, but I have to at least talk to him & get some answers, get some closure maybe? I will own everything I do, I don’t share my story for your judgement or your recommendations, but I want you all to know, I am not perfect, Silverlining is not perfect. Nothing is perfect, I make mistakes & I’m almost sure that what ever happens here is going to be a mistake, but sometimes, we need to make mistakes. Motocross is being a weirdo, I have no idea what his game is & here the universe has brought back the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I am still in love with. I know that you all think he’s a dick & hate him… There are personal things I won’t ever share on here about him & I, (I know that seems ridiculous since I talked about our sex life so much, but that’s not as intimate as peoples deep dark secrets) I mean to be honest, posting on the blog about someone you’re talking too is so fucking hard! I was posting the Noodle series when I am talking to him in real life last September & it freaks me out that he’ll find it & read it & hate me for this outlet (Which I know you will all say not to worry but I have shared some pretty intimate details that I can’t take back now.) A guy friend once said to me never to tell anyone ever about this blog, so take it to the grave.

Now I’m scared about posting about him the first time & him finding out about it while talking to me the second time… If he found out when weren’t talking, it’s no big deal but he is back in my life for some reason. A reason that might not be good, I don’t know however he is back & that means something… But I am fucking angry at him, he tells me over & over that he protected me as much as he could. I get more & more furious saying he wouldn’t have to protect me if he didn’t show her where I lived. I tell him he’s deluded if he thinks bring a mentally ill person to my house is protecting me, he apologises & backs down knowing I am right “She manipulated me and wanted to make a point to you. She gave me an ultimatum, I avoided it and didn’t want to do it.” He did fucking not avoid it, he could’ve got his stuff on the way to pick her up in the morning, he could’ve got his stuff back via my sister or just let it go. She wanted him to hurt me & it worked, he did. I ask what the ultimatum was but I already know what he’s going to say “I have to get my shit back on the way back from the hospital otherwise she’s gone with the kids” I tell him that she wouldn’t have gotten custody of the kids anyway, she just pulled a stunt & landed in hospital, to be honest I was super surprised she got out that quickly. He genuinely says sorry about what he did to me, he was under a lot of pressure which I get, I mean she’s not mentally stable, he felt trapped. I tell him that this is why I doubt what we had & how he felt, he just told me himself that men lie, I tell him that he lied to her, me & that I’m 100% sure he used me for sex for a year. He says that “We have always been too honest with each other. I don’t need to lie to you to feel better about myself. I never used you for sex. I fucking loved you. I enjoyed sitting in the car talking to you more than I enjoyed fucking you. I thought about you every moment, you were my fucking world. And I got so fucking close to leaving for you , I had my shit and my kids in your house. I never used you for sex. We were friends before we had sex.” I know what you’re all thinking, what a manipulator he is, how he’s boosting his own ego… But even as ice queen #IBD4U, I melt a little bit, I am literally even more hurt from these comments “Yeah so close, yet so far… You ere so scared of being alone.” He says that he’s not scared about being alone but he thinks of me all the fucking time but he also just thinks I am fucking everyone. I say “Just as a side note, you look fucking amazing… I hope she tells you everyday.” He says he thinks he looks the same & says that I am amazing, I shouldn’t doubt myself. I tell him that when I saw him at the show, he looked good & I wish I told him more. “I hate that I always wrote I ♥ you. I should’ve told you every single time we saw each other. We said it once face to face… Once. I still see your expression when you said it to me that day at my house while holding the baby.” He says that the knows what the heart meant, but like I said it’s one of my regrets with him, I know he knew what it meant, but remember the movie Ghost, when Patrick Swazye only every says ditto?! She knew he loved her but she needed to hear it. Silverlining, always needed that reassurance, I should’ve known better, he needed to hear it.

He says that the thinks he’s fatter than ever, but I say he’s definitely not looking fatter. He says that he didn’t look at me because he felt me over there & thought it would be too hard to see me, but she asked him right away if it was me, which he denied seeing me, she was apparently shitty for about an hour & then he told her she was being paranoid – WOW. But she had also said in the carpark when they got there that they were going to see me. How odd, I mean I didn’t even know I was going when I was still lying in bed chatting to him on the app… So weird that she felt like she was going to see me too! But he says that it happens all the time, she freaks out & says that she just saw #IDB4U (But actually uses my name!) I tell him that I haven’t eaten, stress does that to me & I lost 10kgs when we ended the first time, that I’ve lost a couple of kgs since chatting to him & seeing him at the show, however work is my main stressor at the moment, which is causing me to only be able to eat, as my boss calls my breakfast sludge. An avocado smoothie. The only way I can force myself to eat something.

He says that he’s going through some stuff at work too but he’s been eating a lot & his pants are too tight now. I tell him that I was shaking like a leaf at the show after I saw him & was freaking out that I’d see him again, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed for the fireworks, I felt like he’d gone home & so I checked the app & sure enough he had messaged me, so I knew he was home. “Can you do me a favour and get something tasty to eat for lunch” FUCK! He still cares, I mean I know this is fucked, but fuck, the fact that he’s worried about me, makes me fucking melt a little more. I tell him how good my mum was at the show when I was shaking & couldn’t eat, he asks what my sister says about it. I just say that she told me to stop talking to this guy whoever he is, Silverlining says “You shouldn’t be talking to me” I say that I am hyped up unable to eat because I am scared he’s going to ghost me again that it makes my tummy churn. “You shouldn’t be talking to me either…” We really need to stop, not chat… “Nope but yet here we are. #IBD4U Fuck me. Not literally… But fuck… Time is meant to heal“ Well we all know, it doesn’t… I tell him that he was the one that chose to end it badly, it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together, especially if he is still online. “You really love me that much still?” I want to reply no, I want to tell him he’s an asshole that I hate his guts. I want to hate his guts, I want to hate everything about him but I just fucking don’t. I wish I did, I know this is stupid but I can’t stop my fingers from typing “As much as I don’t want too, yeah I do love you.”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

So I know I asked what post you wanted on Facebook last night, I was going to leave you all hanging with what the fuck is going on here with Silverlining, but this post fits better in with the timeline, so I have to give you this story first before a Motocross post – but I have made it longer for you! I am dying to tell you both at the same time, trust me, I want you all to know, however I do need to build up some intrigue! But it’s seriously like someone is having a good ol laugh when it comes to the story of my life!

That message… My breath catches… I can’t even think straight right now… I stare at that last message from Silverlining for about 20 minutes… “At what point do we stop pretending” Yeah… What does that even mean? Does it mean that it’s Noodle? My heart starts beating like a maniac. I mean is he finally going to say who he is? I thought he was stubborn?! Hahaha, I knew he would crack first… Should I play dumb? Should I tell him who I am?

I gather up some of my equilibrium & actually form a reasonable response – even though I am a little angry at him for his messages prior to the reveal. “For the record, I didn’t mention my ex then, you did. & yes while he’s a lot of my problem, which I don’t usually talk about, it’s also the ‘desperation’ (for lack of a better word) to be treated better too. Find a partner, like you said, I do want companionship. Since my ex I’ve been with a lot of men, 3-4 stand out idiots which make me think about what I had with him. Which wasn’t entirely good with my ex but at least it was real. I’m not really that forgiving, but I’m trying not to be so judgey of MC, yeah this guy lied, but he was at my house, it’s not like he lied to not see me… That would be douchy & I’d be pissed but he was actually sitting next to me when he lied… The other stuff is weird but he’s still been seeing me. Maybe it is his self-preservation, not wanting to get to close so didn’t want to text all the time so pretended his phone was fucked. Is it really that bad?” Reading back on that message I am thinking really #IBD4U, fucking hell! Yes it’s that bad that he was sitting on your couch lying to your face!! FUCKING HELL…

I don’t know how else to respond to Silverlining’s potential reveal so I just send “Pretending?!” with a questioning emoji. No fucking way am I am giving away my identity first! He can fucking tell me who he is! He writes back “Sorry that was meant for someone else lol” WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! “I don’t think it was meant for someone else” he says that he got the conversations mixed up, I know this is fucking bullshit… “I’m sure you’re pretending with me.” I am getting ready for the gym, barely able to go, thinking that this will be over with Silverlining by the end of the day when we reveal our true selves. He says “I’ve noticed a pattern…..” What pattern is that Silverlining?! I tell him that I have been 100% honest with him, too honest in fact, when he asks if I am pretending with him. I ask what he’s talking to other people on the app about, he says catfishing. I reply “Yeah I know I’m being catfished” Fuck as if I didn’t know the first fucking day we started chatting. I am actually also over being catfished by him, it’s been almost 2 weeks of chatting with this guy, I need to know who the fuck he is! If this is Noodle, I am going to be furious that he has catfished me after having a go at me for apparently catfishing him & his partner. “I haven’t catfished you. At no point have I pretended to be someone I’m not. If I knew from the start I probably would of worked on projecting a fakeness to my online personality. Funny how the universe works sometimes tho. Fuck we are both so young tho” I forget to ask him because I am so riled up by these messages, but assume he means dumb not young. IT’S FUCKING NOODLE! “I know you haven’t pretended. I can tell. The universe is fucked.” FUUUUCCCKKKKKK!

“Well I can see you didn’t hide on the app so clearly you wanted to be found (not the post) well at one stage. Not sure why you would ask someone from advice that would have such a fucking … and I mean fucking massive conflict of interest.” He tells me that my pattern was using … at the end of everything & the timing – I’m not sure how the timing would be different for me, I mean I can message 24/7 if I wanted too, I’m fucking single, I can do what I want! He was the one who logged off & I could tell by his times online, expect when he threw in a random message to confuse me. He adds, “I do mean everything I said about your ex. Nothing was your fault. Ever. You blame yourself way too much.” Yeah I know I do, but fuck, there are a lot of things I would do differently. I reply “I never wanted to be found by you. I don’t use the app a lot at all. You’re the one who replied to me knowing me who I am. I never changed the way I type or how I talk. So it was not a pattern, it’s who I am & how I type. I never hid from you who I am. Interestingly after accusing me of catfishing you & your partner many months ago, you now do it to me to get intimate details from me. Definitely funny how the universe works… Pulls us together again, yet again.” FUCK.

He sends 28 messages in a row while I’m at bootcamp, fucking hell, I know this is dumb, but I can tell he has a lot to say & now we’ve revealed our identities – without really identifying ourselves, I can see that he’s also scared, like I am that one of us is going to ghost the other… “I had no idea it was you. No fucking idea. I avoided anything that resembled you. Anything in your age group. Banter Queen was really obvious you. Never catfished you intentionally. I knew the worse thing I could do was message you. It obviously became very clear who you are. How fucked is our chemistry even as strangers on the anonymous app. Who were both hiding our identities via name changes and age changes. I honestly swear to fucking god I had no idea it was you. I still fucking love you , you twat , I can’t be friends with you. It has killed me so much knowing how much I have fucked you up. I haven’t been able to sleep at night knowing how much I have fucking hurt you. You needed me to know how much I fucking hurt you. If I knew it was you I would of never , ever messaged you. I ghosted for a reason. It because I knew how much it would hurt me. And worse still, how much I’ve hurt you. And it’s even more fucked I know. It was so much easier thinking you would of moved on by now. 3 Shrinks, I feel terrible! So fucking terrible. Now I know we will never be together as I don’t expect you to wait for me , but don’t you ever deny that I fucking loved you. I have never in my life heard a love song and thought of a person , I did that while seeing you , and the fucked thing is I still do it now. It was always 2 ways , don’t you forget who said it to you first. Don’t you forget who admitted you were really my girlfriend at the end of it.” OH MY FUCKING BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER GOD! I don’t even know what to say to those 28 messages – he still loves me?! Really… I’m still fucking in love with him too, but I am not going to fucking say it. I am furious! He still thinks about me when he hears love songs?! I mean I do too, but fuck I never knew he would too!!

But I am still furious, About so many things here, mainly about the fact that he’s still in love with me & still with her! FUCKING HELL. I know this chat with him will end soon now knowing who we are. We can’t continue to talk like we have been, I mean we’ve gotten back into a texting every day pattern at this point. But I still have things to say but I am angry as fuck. I tell him that I am not Banter Queen, whoever she is, I have hardly ever used the app, I mean since seeing Motocross for the last 3 months, I haven’t been online much at all until he started being weird. I say that I have seen him post & chat on the anonymous app & usually I will stop chatting to someone that resembles him “But after I saw you walk past me at the show last week, I couldn’t stop chatting to this “app guy”… Thinking you were Noodle. But not really believing it. I was like no, he wouldn’t do that to me… Surely… Especially after blaming me for doing it when I hadn’t.” I have to know if he saw me at the show, what he thought, if she saw me. I tell him that I told him all that stuff because I needed him to know, after we stopped emailing, I still had things to say & I say that I assume that he’ll stop talking to me now. He tells me what I already know that I was talking to him before the show “And you want to know something absolutely fucked. I felt you at the show but didn’t see you. I knew it was you. Unfortunately so did she but that’s another story for another day.” I say that I saw him & so glad (eyes rolling) that his partner recognised me, I thank him for showing her what I look like – fucking asshole. He tells me that “She stalked your ass don’t you worry” oh Jesus! Really?! He says that she figured out some ‘trick’ to find me & look at my photos on Facebook. Well everything is private, so fuck knows what this trick is. He says “As soon as I felt you she asked me if I saw you, which I didn’t and denied it would of been you.” For someone that’s self-confessed super geeky, he tells me that she has a trick that he doesn’t know what, on how she can hack Facebook & see everything I have that is private?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… This is hilarious! So I am 100% certain this is a lie – when I reinvigorated this blog in 2018, I posted once, only ONCE on my Facebook wall about it. If she had this ‘trick’, she would know about my blog, I know she wouldn’t be able to ignore it & she wouldn’t be able to keep it in, she’d tell him & he would probably not be talking to me… They both would have read it, she’d probably leave him, knowing the real story, surely & he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Therefore, there is no trick for hacking Facebook, if there is, please email me about it, because I don’t believe this bullshit she spins.

I had changed my name back to my real name with my middle name as my surname on Facebook – pretty much like everyone these days, but he tells me that she thinks that my last name is what I have up on Facebook – at least she doesn’t know my real surname. He said I used to be hidden on Facebook & even he couldn’t find me but she has & said that she used to look at my photos every single day for months. I ask how he can be ok with that, I am fucking angry that I was told I wasn’t allowed to message his phone or contact him, but she’s allowed to stalk my fucking Facebook?! FUCKING HELL I AM ANGRY! All he says is “I had an affair what can I do” Um, well Noodle you can fucking protect your mistress like you said you would!!!!!

He says that he’s sure I wanted to know what she looked like the whole time we were fucking but I tell him I knew pretty early on anyway, yeah I had looked her up, but not fucking daily to look at what?! The same pictures, I saw what she looked like, I didn’t need to keep looking. She knows what I look like, why keep looking?! She got him to stay with her, why does she need to keep thinking about me & stalking me? He says that she’s shit at computers so he’s not sure how she figured it out. I am so angry, fuck! “You had an affair & didn’t + don’t protect the person you apparently loved?!” I tell him that I actually used to shop in her shop being it’s the closest one to my house before he told me she worked there. Of course I knew what she looked like. Once he told me her name, I blocked her on Instagram, but stupidly not on Facebook. I’m not sure why. He says that he protected me more I think, yeah right he did… She didn’t know my real name until Sweetie told her my real name wasn’t what he said, why didn’t he say another fucking fake name?! He didn’t protect me at all “She knows where I live & what I look like, she knows my name & what I do as a job… She also knew what size I was… I mean what didn’t you tell her?” I mean there wasn’t much else he could protect me from “I protected you the best I could in the situation I was placed in” I remind him that she even had a fucking phone number, my work number which she wrote down wrong anyway, but she had a phone number. He says that he never gave her the number but lucky she fucked it up after finding it on the iPad, that she never came to my work or my house to shame me – OMG, is he serious?! She would’ve be able to do that if he didn’t give her that information. I am fucking angry, having a major go at him for bringing her to my house & taking his stuff like a thief in the night “Do you have any idea how that felt?! Coming home to your shit gone after everything I did for you & finding a note from her in my letterbox?” There is nothing much he can say at this point “I didn’t know she did that. I didn’t let her in your house.” I always knew he hadn’t let her in the house, he said he didn’t, I believe him because he wrote a note on my fridge note pad, she wrote the note without his knowledge so there was no way she came inside, he wouldn’t have been able to write me a note if she came inside. “I can see why you think I didn’t protect you.” but he says “You never had a crazy bitch turn up to your house to kill you… And I can assure you she wanted too.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD… Can you even believe what he is saying right now?!

#IBD4U

Ironically (because of who I think this is), Silverlining tells me that “A guy doesn’t lie for that long” as a reply to when I say that I’m sure the feelings Noodle had for me weren’t real (I need to have some confidence in myself! I know – I know.) or that he knew he was getting sex so he was a master manipulator at getting what else he wanted. I’m obviously certain a guy could lie for that long, I watched Noodle lie to his partner for over a year and a half & get away with it to see me, while she was tracking his phone. It’s quite disturbing how easily it was for Noodle to lie. I say that men lie & they sometimes cheat but I believe that my epic love was completely straight with me. Silverlining says that if EL knew he was getting sex every time he saw me regardless & still was saying those things to me, with a partner, then he meant it – he had no reason to lie. He wasn’t lying. This puts my mind at ease now, being that I am still sure that this is him. I tell him that EL will probably come back into my life at some point, he says “the dude fucked up and lost his chance with you , he’s an asshole , focus on your future and less on the past.” I know that this is not what he wants to say but he’s also pushing me to text Motocross even though he’s basically told me over & over again that he’s not into me. However I know that Noodle would want me to be happy & Silverlining has said how cool he thinks Motocross is & Noodle always said I should be with someone cool.

I tell Silverlining again that I think it was one sided, he replies “I seriously doubt it was one sided as you don’t develop what you have when it’s one sided , epic love could only spark when both parties are involved ; it could only take a layers of chemistry , affection , friendship , sex , passion and most of all a very deep level of connection mentally not just physically.” If this really is Noodle & he believes that, why wouldn’t be want to be with me?! But I guess for him in the end, it was Want vs Obligation, (maybe there’s a blog in that?!) not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he is obliged to stay with her. Not only because of the kids, who he didn’t want to lose but because of all the bullshit stunts, the money & whatever he thinks is his mind are reasons to stay.

He asks about the night with Motocross was weird when I mention it, I explain that he lied about the royal show being cancelled, yet mum was watching bike riders when she called, but then that Motocross was at my house, so I was trying not to think too much about it. He says it’s not weird, if you take the show part out of it, that he obviously wanted to see me, so I should think that’s a good thing. But then he says when I say that I think he’s made up the cousin stroke story, but he asks about his wealth, if I’ve seen any proof. Well this line of question throws me off, but I reply saying that I’ve seen his 2 cars but I haven’t seen anything else. Silverlining says that cars can be rented etc, one lie usually leads to another. “The weather was fine last night and to my knowledge there was no warnings or any impending weather coming. Bad weather coming. So you’ve been lied to and you know it in regards to that. Either that or he really wanted to see you. And then something terrible happened. But like I said I think I’m going to stay out of this one … I allready feel I’m influencing your thought process on this guy way to much than I should. I suggest you start digging (not your grave).” I guess this is #interesting, if Motocross really did want to see me & he wasn’t riding at the show, he had to lie about it being cancelled, however maybe when Motocross got to my house, he could sense that I was going to dig a little deeper so he freaked out & left? But obviously Silverlining doesn’t get it either & says he thinks it’s hell suss. Seriously, I hope I find out what Motocross deal is because I agree with Silverlining, it’s fucking suss!

Silverlining tells me not to overthink it, but every time I say something to Silverlining about Motocross, he says something different, that I need to start digging to find out what the fuck is going on, or just to go with the flow & not overthink it. While Motocross is in Melbourne nursing his cousin back to health & talking to Silverlining I check the kms on the dating app, which says 22kms. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! I mean this could be because of two reasons – which is why I hate to stalk & don’t do it. First he might not have opened up the app while away, or he really is only 22kms from me. I’m no wiser to be honest & now I just have more questions about why he is 22kms away. Should I be happy he hasn’t opened the app to find someone in Melbourne or should I be suspicious why it’s 22kms away?

Then something gets the better of me & I am pretty sure this is Noodle who will know everything I need to know about an iPhone watch. I ask if Silverlining has an Apple or Samsung, then I ask if he has an Apple watch, which he says no (Probably to throw me off that this is Noodle) then he says “What an odd set of questions to ask a stranger” however, I know Noodle won’t be able to help himself – he’ll geek out at these questions & over explain. I explain how Motocross’ phone got wet that weekend (which was over a month ago but he’s continued to see me regularly) & he didn’t message me but then he’s been texting from his watch on dates & when his dad messaged at my house. Noodle is predictable & writes about 14 messages about this topic, saying that he’s rich so he probably has a sim card in the watch therefore he would be able to text on it. He also says that iPhones have been waterproof for years (Which I knew). He says that the phone books sync so if he can text on his watch, there was no reason why he couldn’t text me that weekend. FUCK. I knew this but it pisses me off to fact check it. Which is what I thought, but not sure why tried to ghost me that weekend, yet has been seeing me 3-4 times a week for like a month after so far… I’m not the only one setting up dates here, so I am not putting in all the effort, I mean I am putting in most of the effort, but he is asking to see me still… Seeing me without fucking me – though Silverlining thinks that is weird.

I wake up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to 10 messages in quick succession from Silverlining at 5:20 am. He talks about me being too forgiving & that I need to forget the sorry ass of an ex, that he hasn’t come back for me & when he does it’ll be too late, he says that I need to focus on Motocross & forget the “self confessed geeky guy.” I don’t remember ever telling Silverlining that about Noodle – maybe I did?! “It will always be his loss for missing out on such an amazing woman , not yours , don’t let it eat you up so much , because deep down it sounds like it still is” Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out either, I mean all I have done it talk to this guy about someone who I thought loved me, who I’m assuming I’m still talking too…

After almost 2 weeks of chatting to this Silverlining character about the ex-love of my life, about the current weirdo I’m dating, there is one more message at 6:26 am, an hour after the long line of messages – simply saying “Fuck at what point do we stop pretending …..”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

In bed feeling like an idiot but can’t get to sleep because I am fucking stupidly hopeful that Motocross will come back even though I know deep down that he won’t. I hate that Silverlining has been right. This guy isn’t into me at all! FUCK.

I turn on the tv & start watching something on netflix or whatever, expecting the uncomfortable text from Motocross saying some rubbish & sorry he’s not coming back. However, when my phone buzzes more than for a text, I look over & I realise that someone is ringing me. It’s Motocross of course, which kind of makes me think he doesn’t have a wife (if some of you are thinking that) I was thinking that too, but if he did or he wanted an easy way out of this, he wouldn’t call, he would text. No one would call in this situation, I certainly wouldn’t – if I made a clean exit. But he’s opted for an awkward conversation.

He says that his cousin in Melbourne has had a stroke & he used to be really close with this cousin when he was younger but hasn’t seen him for years, but was going to see him soon so he is upset about it now. He says that they’re – his parents & him are trying to book flights to Melbourne tomorrow, he seems to think they are going to be on the red eye. (didn’t his dad’s friend have a jet?!) Anyway he says he’s heaps sorry, of course I am what anyone would be when a person rings up & says someone is injured or whatever, I am supporting, offer my apologies, ask if there is anything I can do & I listen. We don’t talk for heaps long but longer than I would expect of a person scrambling to get flights out tomorrow. The cynical part of me (which lets face it, its about 99.9% of me) says that he’s dreamed up this scheme so that he is now away for the rest of the week & the rest of the Royal Show, in case I choose to get another ticket! The part in me that gets along with this guy, wants be to believe this story, but I am struggling to be very honest with you! However, against advice from Silverlining, I give Motocross the benefit of the doubt, I have absolutely no reason not to believe Motocross & this isn’t something I could google, surely?!

I get off the phone with Motocross & send him a quick text “Let me know if I can do anything” with a kissing emoji. I would appreciate that kind of text if I got some bad news like that. He writes back 25 minutes later when I am asleep “Thank you appreciate it. I am sorry bout tonight been cut short” well at least he acknowledges it & is prepared to say it .I write back in the morning saying that I hope he had a good flight to Melbourne. I say that I didn’t realise he was jumping up & walking right out the door right away, or I would have hugged him or something. I apologise for being rude & say that I hope he is ok & his cousin is too. I don’t get a reply all day from like 7:30 am till after 6:00 pm. “Hey sorry for the mega late reply I got a flight first thing dismorring thanks. Yeah i’m sorry I was actually meant to be coming back sorry i didn’t.” I mean as if he was ever coming back, lets face it, while this guy writes back to every message, I am starting to believe what Silverlining is saying, Motocross is doing it as some sort of exchange, not because he really wants too… His lies are going to be caught out soon, I am obviously getting closer to asking what the fuck so he is pulling away rapidly. I reply saying that it’s ok, I ask how his cousin is & say that I still should’ve said a proper goodbye. He says that his cousin is still bad & he doesn’t know what’s happening that he’s really sorry but appreciates the message. I say again to let me know If I can do anything & say that there’s no need to be sorry that I understand & we can catch up when he’s back. To which, Motocross doesn’t ever reply. RIGHT.

So another couple of things that I forgot to mention throughout this story, so I also work with someone who I made friends with on Facebook & of course Motocross keeps coming up as a friend suggestion, I happen to notice one day that we have a friend in common, it’s the chick from work who’s new, I’m not really that close too but I decide to have a chat to her about him. I am casual about it (well I think I am, but I’m probably not at all!), just asking how she knows him, she went to high school with him. I tell her that he said he left Adelaide when he was 16 to live in America & she sort of laughs, I keep going with my story just giving her a few things from him & when I say that he says he’s a crusty demon she cracks up laughing & says no. OMG. I mean I pretty much knew it but for someone to confirm it is just fucking gold…

I may have mentioned this fact, but Motocross has told me a couple of times that if he wasn’t a stunt rider, he’d be a tiler. I’m almost certain at this point that he is a tiler & not a motocross rider at all. Who the fuck knows at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit what a dude does for work as long as he’s working & enjoys his job. What the fuck is with all the lies?!

Friday I haven’t heard from Motocross & I think that he’s probably not thinking about me as such if he’s with his cousin & family at the hospital, so I just send a quick text asking how he is, how is his cousin & how Melbourne is. He doesn’t take long to write back. Saying that they spend the day at the hospital, there is not changes yet & that Melbourne is ok, he then asks how my day is. I wonder if he’s being polite or if he is interested. I say that I’m sorry to hear that, ask if he is still going to the Darwin crusty show on the weekend. I say that my day was shit, going home to have a bath (BTW after the bath with Motocross, I have bought nice radox bubble bath because we had talked about baths again together… I am not going to be caught again with no bubbles, even though I hate them!) but even though I am on annual leave on Monday I will have to go in to sort some shit out before I go to Brisbane.

Motocross has often talked about coming to Brisvegas as he calls it when I am there, I guess that he’s now got a get out of jail free card on that since I go in a week or so. He always seems excited to talk about my trip & my plans when I say that I have finally booked my flights & organised my accommodation with my friend.

He says that he’s leaving Melbourne in the morning for Darwin on the red eye (the fucking red eye, really!) I say that I hope his cousins is better & that he has a good flight, I ask when he’s back in Adelaide, saying that it sucks to have to work on my annual leave & I also say after he says that it’s good I’m relaxing in the bath, that it would be better if he was in the bath with me. He says that he’s back on Sunday around midday & asks why I am working if I am on holidays, he says “Hmmm yeah that be nice I’d be fair keen and the rest” Hahaha, whatever that means. I say for him to let me know if he wants to come over Sunday night that I’m sure he would use a hug, a bath & the rest. I dribbled on about the fucked reason I have to go into work & then never get a reply from him. I don’t get a text from him all day Saturday either. FUCK YOU.

Silverlining is saying I’m wrapped around Motocross finger & at this point I guess I am, I still don’t know who Silverlining is, I may never know, but I am not going to let Motocross go without at least trying to get to the bottom of his lies… Or what are seemingly lies. I must find out what the fuck is this guy’s deal.

Motocross calls me Saturday afternoon, which is new & just when I am fucking angry, he makes a gesture. We chat a bit while he is driving somewhere in Melbourne… Oddly, I don’t notice at the time, but writing this now, wasn’t he supposed to be in Darwin? Also I do notice at the time but his indicator car noise (Yes, cars have distinct indicators noises) sounds a lot like the indicator in his $75k Holden ute… We chat about his cousin & how he’s doing, how close Motocross is to him & that he’s woken up at least – so Motocross is much happier. Motocross talks about coming over after my family dinner on Sunday night, he’s back around midday so he says to let him know when I am free but cuts the conversation short as he has to go because he is lost in Melbourne. We hang up & I feel better, we don’t just have a texting relationship, this guy is now calling… However, actually… Did that phone call just open up more questions?!

#IBD4U

So this point in the timeline, Silverlining & I have been chatting a few days, almost a week – it’s very early September. I haven’t been putting in much effort with Motocross so we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I caught up in this texting chemistry again. Maybe like this blog for you, it’s like a car crash you can’t look away from? If you have ever had an ounce of the chemistry I had with Noodle with someone you were seeing, or if you ever n just picked up on the chemistry of the Noodle story, you will understand me when I say, that I can’t walk away from this Silverlining… Regardless of who he is, I may never find out, but I am sure that it is him. I toy with ideas about how I can tell him who I am, question who he is. Will he ghost me?! He’s still talking to me now, I’m 100% being me, I’m being so obvious, he surely knows that it’s me!

This is a precarious situation though, I know I shouldn’t be investing time in this, I know that he shouldn’t be investing time in me (though I can’t help but think he is ready to leave this time) I also know that my heart wants what my heart wants. But I am terrified of so many things, like the fact that he isn’t ready to leave & strong enough to be the man I need, that I am going to get hurt again if he ghosts me suddenly. It’s only been a few days of messaging, but we are back to our old tricks – texting every second we get, over sharing our lives, being honest… But I have to know, I have to see this through, is this Noodle?! Do you believe in signs, do you believe in the universe, do you believe in fate, do you believe in destiny? I don’t think I do, I mean my life has been a myriad of missed signs, fate & destiny & yet, the first person I’ve ever loved & still in love with is back in my life, that is a sign I am not willing to miss. I don’t think this is our time either, I don’t know if this really is him, but I do know that I am strong enough to survive this risk, just as I was strong enough to survive the first explosion with him.

Silverlining asks me what I’ve got to lose at this point showing Motocross some affection, good question, but I say my dignity. He also tells me that EL was told by me that I couldn’t be friends with him so he just followed through with that. I know that Noodle would say that he gave me what I wanted, well I thought he would fight harder for me. Silverlining asks why I told him I couldn’t be friends. “Yeah I told him that (but only because it would hurt to be friends with him & not have him.) He begged me not too to do that. So we agreed we should stay friends & then he cut me off.” It’s true, he cracked the absolute shits at me when I said it would hurt to be friends with him but in the end we agreed to be friends. He says that it sounds like he tried to do the right thing by me. “Maybe he realized it would hurt him just as much to be your friend. I’m sure the epic love thing went 2 ways. You don’t epically love someone on a one way street” Maybe not, but this just makes my heart ache… I say that I am not sure if was a 2 way epic thing. “I’m certain he couldn’t give a fuck what I’m doing now, I don’t know why I care.” I say this shit because I want to bring Noodle out, I also assume that if Noodle was single, he’d contact me, so I don’t think he is, but I need to know I was loved… He says that he doesn’t think people ever forget their exs. I never said that he’d forgotten me, I say that things were different for both of us & that I have a lot of questions.

He says that epic love can only exist if both people feel it, I start to doubt myself more than anything “Maybe I was deluded. I’d never felt love before so maybe that’s just lust & passion. & I built it up in my head” Maybe I did build up our relationship to something more than it was… He says that lust & passion can only co exist with love – really I’m not so sure “Lust is loves poor cousin. Lust is often mistaken for love. Passion is just chemistry.” I am not trying to talk myself out of my epic love, maybe because it hurts to talk about it, maybe because I want it again… I don’t know. “You can tell you loved him very dearly. And I’m sure he loved you equally back just as much. I’m sure this guy hypothetically still loves you and misses you.” FUCK. That hurts to think. I don’t know if that hurts because it could be true or because of who could be saying it…

He says I have some unresolved issues with me EL – Well dur, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! I tell him that I am significantly fucked up, I have been to 2 therapists “I always knew it wasn’t our time, timing was always a factor but I did think that in a few years he’d come find me. But he’s also stubborn so pretty sure he won’t, thinking that I’ve moved on. He always thought I was too good for him” I am going to say some things now that are going to hit him, if it changes nothing, I don’t care, I need to say this stuff to the fake Noodle. He asks why EL would think I am too good for him “Cos apparently he’s a geek & I’m super cool. It was just cos of how we met, everyone used to hit on me etc. He was a very jealous guy about me… I mean I was jealous about him too but he was worse than me. He always thought I was fucking other people when in fact I wasn’t… He was insecure about a lot, mainly his looks but I obviously thought he was sexy or I wouldn’t have been with him so long, right?!” We talk about this topic for a while & how bad both our self esteems were, I mean he thought he wasn’t good enough for me at all & I didn’t think I was lovable, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. Noodle never believed anything I said, so now I don’t bother expressing the way I feel, particularly with Motocross because they don’t listen anyway & he’s clearly waiting for someone better to come along – so what’s the point. I say though, I only have one regret – which you all know – so I know that I gave it my all, just like the song from one of his favourite bands. He asks what it is, that I didn’t say I love you more, I say yes & he just suggests that I am more open with Motocross.

When Silverlining fucks up & says I shouldn’t be listening to some random guy on the chat app, I am certain this is when Noodle will reveal himself. I say “Aren’t we on the anonymous app?” & he just says yeah whoops wrong app… FUCK. I thought he’d totally say it was him then! I know it’s frustrating you guys not knowing, but imagine having these conversations for days being addicted to it but not knowing!

We keep chatting & get on the conversation of me being a rope bunny – but I say it’s not a sexual thing for me but when Noddy came to Switch with me & watched Ripples tie me & drip candle wax on me. Silverlining says “From a guys point of view, I would be so jealous. Especially if my rope skills weren’t as good as his. Even if it’s not sexual for you. It’s a sexual visual act. It would also make me useless type of thing.” Fuck I never thought of it like that! SHIT. However I did chat to Noddy at length about what he would see at Switch so he didn’t get jealous, yet he did… Men are just frustrating! Silverlinging says that even though he’s done some kinky stuff, he’d still freak out “If you told me you did a professional show, I’d shit my pants. Because all that will be going through that guys head is, she has this done by a professional” FUCK. I didn’t think of it like that either! He recommends that I stop talking about it with guys, especially if I am doing rope with some experienced. FUCK… (I mean I end up stopping going to rope all together because of how awkward things get with the play party people.)

Silverlining says that he’s on Noddy’s side for what he did to me. He says that he sent me that snapchat because I made him feel insecure & it came back to bite me, “He repaid you and showed you himself doing a sexual act on another. Subconsciously” Well that’s a bit fucked to be honest, but he does have a fucking point… OMG. I try to explain that Noddy begged to come, begged to watch. Silverlining just says that men are simple creatures “Feed our egos” for example I should feed Motocross’ ego about his money, it’s what he wants… FUCK does he? Silverlining just says to say that find it attractive that Motocross has money. I am no stranger to feeding a dudes ego, I mean I had to feed Noodle’s ego 24 fucking 7. So I know I have to feed a dudes ego, maybe I need to talk about how much money Motocross has? Seem more interested when he says he chartered a jet, rather than literally just saying to him “Man we live very different lives” Fuck I’m so confused.

I tell Silverlining about giving away my show ticket & he says “You gave your ticket away subconsciously because you didn’t want to be disappointed.” I say that it wasn’t subconscious, it was deliberate. I know I am going to be disappointed about not seeing Motocross at the show, so I deliberately gave away my ticket. He says that he’s surprised I can admit that. Well I did 100% know he was going to disappoint me, I didn’t realise to what extent but I knew that he would. He says I need to get him in a room & ask him questions, I say that I am going to do just that, get this guy in a room & find out what it is… However, when Motocross is at my house, it’s the night I am going to ask questions but his dad messages & says come home, so I never get the talk… FUCK…

#IBD4U

We’re still continuing this pretence that we don’t know its each other. The more Silverlining tells me not to blame myself for my Epic Love failing, the more I think it’s Noodle. The chemistry with this stranger is too much to be just a random guy. I never chat like this with anyone… I mean if this isn’t him, I am going to be more surprised than if it’s him at this point!

Silverlining picks up that I am awkward because Motocross is awkward, which is true… I mean he walks in not kissing me hello so I struggle to kiss him hello. He tells me that I do sabotage relationships & that I’m independent.

I agree with him, I don’t need someone, I have talked about this before in Want vs Need but I tell him that a man should see me being a strong woman as a privilege “Someone they should fight for. Not some needy, game playing woman who would crumble like a piece of paper if they left them. How pathetic. But apparently that’s what I need to become, according to you. Some needy, pathetic, game playing woman manipulating a man to be with me… I’d rather be single & know a man wants to be with me than it was just I was best at playing the game.” He tells me that that’s not what he said, but I have said a lot of that as a stab at his partner…

Now lets all be clear about Noodle’s partner too, I do not judge her for wanting to be with him at all. I do not think she is stupid, I think she is someone who made some desperate moves when she saw her family crumbling. I cannot judge her for wanting to keep her family together, or wanting to be with the man she loves, I still want to be with him too – so I’m no different. We have that in common. However, I do judge her actions following finding out about me. I didn’t set Noodle free to see if he’d come back to me or whatever that saying is. I set him free because like I just said to Silverlining, I want a man to be with me because that’s what he wants, not because I tricked him into it. I mean I thought of all the things I could do to get Noodle to stay with me, fake a pregnancy, attempt a suicide myself… But what would that have done? I would always be thinking, is he with me because I did that or does he truly love me & want to be with me? I’d rather be single a sleep well at night knowing I didn’t force a man to stay with me with threats & stunts. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it… I still do sometimes! But there’s a difference, I wouldn’t ever do anything like that.

When Silverlining tells me that I will find love again, that I shouldn’t worry… All that usual cliche bullshit, I tell him that he musn’t have felt an earth shattering love like I had & that’s why I don’t think we get that type of love twice in our lives. He says that people divorce all the time & find new love so he’s sure I will find it again. He says ‘Did angels sing when this guy walked the earth or something?’ The sticking out tongue emoji screams Noodle. I reply ‘Yeah you don’t get it. You said yourself you are always trolling online for friendship so you haven’t had it to understand. It’s ok that you haven’t, I can’t explain it.’ One of my biggest fears, even though Noodle said it first, was that he didn’t really love me, my mum said to me at the end when I finally told them that he used me & didn’t love me. I don’t know if she said that to help me get over him but it stuck with me, I mean I already had thought those thoughts so I’m not blaming my mum, just saying that I thought them & didn’t think other people with thinking the same thing too!

Silverlining says that I make him sound so losery, yeah well he does sound losery at this point when he says “I have fallen madly in love before too !” I don’t know why that makes me catch my breath. If this is who I think it is, is he talking about me or someone else?!

I am questioning if this guy has fallen madly in love, I mean what is he doing on here if he is madly in love right now?!” You have a partner yet your trolling online for friendships, you even said that yourself. Doesn’t sound like you’re in love at all, let alone madly in love” I am not sure this is a good line of questioning, I don’t even want to hear him lie that he is madly in love with his partner.

Silverlining tells me that he has indeed been in love & fallen madly in love, I still doubt that. He says that Motocross seems like he only messages me after I’ve message him, like he does is as an exchange. I guess he could be right there. He says a true guy will message you every chance he gets. Which I agree, I mean I used to message Noodle 100 times a day & this guy is doing the same. However like I explain, I say that I don’t want a texting relationship again, I’ve been there done that. I tell him that I am fucked up & so is Motocross, from what he’s said to me, that I just think that we both are just too scared to show any emotion. He just says if we’re both getting what we want, then there’s no issue. I mean I wish I could believe that… I want more from Motocross, the main thing I want from him is honesty. I mean as if he has bought his brother a $90k car with money he had in a backpack!

I ask him why he isn’t with the person he’s madly in love with, to which he replies that he never said he wasn’t in love with who he’s with, however life gets complicated sometimes. I tell him that I tried to help my Epic Love & he didn’t want the help, so I am not prepared to try to fix Motocross, it’s not my style anyway, I am not interested in fixing a man. Silverlining says that “I fell for something I couldn’t have more along the lines” Can there be any doubt left that this isn’t Noodle!? Jesus… He has said that he doesn’t understand how someone can be madly in love but not express it. Well I mean I did express it with Noodle, I just was a fuckwit about it. “Yeah well that was the problem, wasn’t it. I couldn’t say the words to his face, I’d message the heart emoji instead of saying love. When push came to shove, my own inability to open up destroyed it. He didn’t believe me & took a different path.” I explain that I think I am doing similar with Motocross, like I am being awkward, he’s being awkward, & I’m not opening up, not asking the questions I should be asking Motocross. He says he doesn’t get the Epic Love thing without show affection “Hard to explain. Clearly you’ve never felt an epic love story even if you think you’ve fallen madly in love before… We were very sexual so it was a feeling we both had. Touches, looks, passion, kisses, chemistry… But that song ‘more than words’ is bullshit. You should say it all the time. I wish I said it every time I saw him. Not just using the stupid emoji because I was protecting myself. I was in denial the whole time that I was loveable” In a way I still am in denial, that’s why I am pushing this guy to tell me that I am loveable, because of who he represents. He asks if we ever said it face to face. I am reminded that the only time we actually said I love you to each other in person, was the last time we ever saw each other. I start to get sad about it & just say that it’s a long fucked story. He says it’s probably not good for me to talk about it – like he can somehow sense that I am fucking getting depressed… FUCK, only Noodle could tell my mood via text, no one has ever picked up on my moods before just from the way my texts read. He says I’m very interesting & teasing him with snippets of this Epic Love story. He keeps pressing & I snap “It was the first time I’d ever been in love… Alright. You happy now You got me to admit that?” He just says that I am confusing but keep giving him tidbits that change his stance about me & Motocross. He tells me that I shouldn’t be asking scum of the earth ‘internet men’ for advice, which I say that I am taking with a grain of salt anyway, He says that I seem worth hitting on “You can tell you’re a little cheeky, little bit flirty , you seem fun and honest and your also a self confessed best fuck ever. So I’m trying my best not to hit on you.” He even asks if I struggled to show affection with my Epic Love. I explain how we started out, EL & I (As I start to nickname him) as friends, as fuck buddies that we had limited time together so it was always for sex. I say that the very first time & the very last time were the only 2 times I saw him & didn’t fuck him. I say we were always naked so I didn’t have to show him affection. I say that MC (As I start nicknaming Motocross to Silverlining) met online dating & have dated but not had as much sex as EL & I had. But they were different circumstances, that doesn’t mean that MC isn’t into me? Right…

Silverlining ask still if I never showed affection to EL, like did we never kiss or cuddle. “Yeah we hugged & kissed, cuddled after sex but I didn’t get much time with him that wasn’t sex to show affection TBH. So of course I can show affection, but genrally always waited for him to kiss me first. We never held hands, After we ended I realised that & I wished I had held his hand. Just always thought there would be more time.”

We talk more & he says that I just need to put myself out there again. I mean I have had a lot of sex since Noodle, trying to get over him, trying to find someone who just a hint of what passion & chemistry we had, but I haven’t even come close to finding it. He tells me to put myself out there & show this guy some affection that it might change things, but I need to try, he asks why I can’t. I hold my breath as I hit send on my reply “Because the pain of being hurt was excruciating… He begged me to stay friends with him only a few months before we ended, was pissed when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him but then when he was done, he cut me off completely. Radio silence.” I know he sees it his way by saying that he thinks we mutually decided not to be friends, but I don’t see I that way. I remember Noodle cracking the shits when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him, but remember the morning I was waiting for him to come back online all weekend after she found my panties, he came back online for about an hour to say goodbye, then logged off, leaving me with questions & just went about his life like I didn’t exist! This is when I am reminded that chatting to a Noodle-a-like is not a good fucking idea… FUCK!

#IBD4U

So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.

I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!

I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.

The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!

This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.

I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!

His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.

He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.

#IBD4U

Apologies for not posting this at 8:00am like I should’ve, I forgot I hadn’t finalised it & got home late (Not from a date! Hahaha) & just couldn’t make myself do it… So here it is, a little later in the day than usual, but also a little longer than usual too but better late than not at all!

Reading though the Silverlining texts to write that part of the story, I’ve realised that there are a bunch of things that I have forgotten to tell you about Motocross… I don’t think they really matter at this point as it’s not pivotal but it’s still as he says #Interesting. Most of you are all hoping it works out, but some of you are wanting me to get rid of him – you’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens I guess… But while I didn’t write about our conversations face to face (mainly because I don’t remember everything we’ve said) it doesn’t mean we didn’t talk or go deeper – I don’t write every single detail, of course. I realise now that I made a couple of jokes about Motocross’ spelling & that’s about the time that he stopped texting me as much, maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to text me, but I’d made a joke (& while I have spelling & grammar mistakes in my blog – generally from typing too fast not because I don’t know how to use it or spell & then my eyes skim over it when I re read it to edit it) I know he knows that I’m probably book smarter than him. Maybe that intimidated him & why he backed off from texting?!

Also he talked about how he owns the place in California – the house he lives in that apparently has a motorbike on his mantel piece – he’s very sentimental, he says he’s kept every helmet he’s ever used & they have a new one for each race. He also says that he also owns a holiday place in Florida where a bunch of other bike riders own too & they all have jet skis, he has a boat & of course he has a bunch of dirt bikes there plus more memorabilia. Again with the flaunting money & assets, I mean I tell him I have kayaks – which probably cost me under $500 for the two of them & all the accessories as they’re second hand! It makes me uncomfortable & almost inadequate. I know that women usually earn less than men & are happy with that, but I have never been with someone who seemingly is this fucking rich! I don’t even own my own car as I have a work car.

Also this is an epic tidbit that I forgot this because I mean – WHAT THE FUCK – but Motocross is in Brisbane one weekend & wanted to be back here for a race in Murray Bridge on the Sunday afternoon, he was in Brisbane doing the demons & it finished late in the night so he chartered a flight, yes you read that right, he chartered a flight. His dad’s friend apparently has a plane & was willing to bring them back here on Saturday evening after curfew (we have an 11:00 pm curfew for commercial jets in Adelaide) so he could race on Sunday. Okay so I know what you’re thinking, because I am thinking who the fuck has the money to charter a jet, I google how much it costs, approx. $20k. He made that over a weekend once, winning the race, so what’s a cool $20k to someone like him? Chump change! Well this is certainly not my reality, I scrape by sometimes, living pay cheque to pay cheque to set myself up for the future. I can’t really believe he’s chartered a jet, but like I said before, I’ve never dated a guy who could afford something like that… & if he’s lying about it, why?! I don’t care if he charters a jet. I mean it doesn’t impress me at all, it makes me uncomfortable… I barely had the $50 for bowling the other night, had to put it on a credit card, let alone chartering a private jet!

Does this make him a cheapskate because he hasn’t paid for as much as I have? Do we believe him that he even did this? If we don’t believe him, why would he lie about it? I’ve already fucked him & been seeing him for a couple of months, not trying to impress me to get me into bed?! If we do believe him & obviously didn’t try to pay for bowling, do you think it’s because he wants to make sure I’m not a gold digger?! Maybe previous girlfriends have been after him for his money?! But then why talk about money at all… I never talk about it if I can help it. URGH, overthinkers anonymous here I come!

So back to the story line, Motocross left our interaction or relationship whatever this is, pretty damaged from that bowling date, that I am not contacting him. He says he’ll text, so he either will or I am done with this shit. I can’t even be bothered anymore. But much to my surprise, Motocross does message me on Friday just before lunchtime says “Hey how’s your day going?” FUCK. Why does that make me smile like a loser?! Grrrr… I say a couple of hours later that I’ve been busy, the day is shit & ask how the show is – knowing he is there riding today… He takes another couple of hours to write back & says that he is busy too, the show is busy etc. I tell him that I am at work drinks then going a book launch (which was Writer) & he says to enjoy the night. I end up messaging later after the book launch, around 9:30 pm, saying have a safe flight etc. I don’t get a reply.

So we all know the Royal Adelaide Show sighting that has left me reeling, but I am also feeling like a douche because my little seven year old nephew is somehow now obsessed with the stunt bike riders, he tells me in the car on the way to the show that we are going to watch both bike shows. They have two shows per day, which Motocross is in during the week, apparently but he’s away on the weekends doing Crusty Demons, so he’s not at this show today as it’s Saturday. My nephew makes us watch both bike shows & the cars, saying how much he loves this scooter rider as well, Willy something. We watch the shows, I cringe the whole time hoping they don’t fall off & tell my sister about Motocross, my nephew asks & I say that one of my friends is usually riding in the show & I don’t tell him but I actually wish that Motocross was here as I would get him to come to talk to my nephew, he would be so excited! Later on my nephew uses my YouTube account to watch motocross racing, this Willy scooter boy & other stunt riders. Now every fucking suggestion on my YouTube is motorbike crashes or stunt riders. How embarrassing will that be if Motocross sees it one day?! FUCK. Hahaha.

On Monday after radio silence from Motocross all weekend, I am of course chatting to Silverlining & he is showing more interest in me than the guy I’ve been seeing for months, I am driving to Port Augusta for work for a few days, I am glad to be away TBH. My mum & dad are also working at the show so they’ve sourced me a free ticket, I am back Wednesday from this trip & thought maybe Wednesday night I would go to the show & meet up with Motocross. I am going to make this happen so I take matters into my own hands. I message & ask how his weekend was etc, usual text, he replies “Hey was just thinking bout you.” Awww, why the fuck does that make me smile like a wanker? He also says he is enjoying the show etc & replies to part of my message from Friday saying he’s glad I’m responsible. I tell him about my nephew being obsessed with the bike show plus the scooter dude & say I wish he was there to meet him & he says that he’s sorry he wasn’t. I tell him that I have a free ticket so I was thinking of coming to see him Wednesday night when I’m back in Adelaide. I tell him to let me know if he has time off between the shows & if I should come because otherwise I’ll give the ticket away if I won’t use it he says “I’d like to say yeah but will I’d have to see tho plus it’s meant to be raining and then we don’t ride so kinda hard to say sorry” I ask though if he’ll be there even if it’s raining, because we could hang out regardless, surely they don’t just go home when it starts raining?! They’d have to be there no matter what right? He says that he probably won’t be there & so I say “Geez you’re making it hard… Don’t have to see you at the show, just thought since I had a spare ticket…” He says “I’m sorry I promise I’ll let you know tomorrow then yeah” I am suspicious not for the first time with this guy but this is the most suspicious I’ve been… Of course I don’t hear from him at all Tuesday as promised & I just don’t even give a fuck anymore… Whatever, this is fucking weird, I don’t know what his deal is. I have Silverlining swooping in & chatting to me, actually showing interest in me – why do I need to bother with Motocross who clearly isn’t into me at all & lying his ass off!

At breakfast at the hotel on Wednesday before I head home, I am speaking to Silverlining of course & annoyed about the whole Motocross thing that I just text dad & let him know he can give the ticket away – I’m obviously not going to the show to see him. But then as I hit send, Motocross messages at 8:20 am to ask if I am going to the show, well what a fuckwit, I was only going to see him, I’ve been with my sister & kids, I am not planning on going for any other reason, which is what I basically say at almost 11:00 am. He replies almost right away saying that it’ll probably be cancelled tonight. I tell him when I get back to Adelaide that I am home & if he’s not at the show then he could come over being he’ll be free… He says yes that if it’s cancelled, he’ll come see me for sure – I don’t write back, what is with this guy?! I decide to go to the gym as usual, during the weights class I see on my watch his cute little face & a message “Hey you home” I am obviously not home & can’t reply, just before the class finishes about 30 minutes later, he calls me which I can’t answer either but it makes me smile like a tool at the fact he’s messaged & called me to try to see me tonight, my mum also calls me around the same time & I can’t answer either call.

After the gym at 8:00 pm, I call Motocross back & say I am on my way home to give me a few minutes but come over at 8:30 pm. I then call mum back too, she asks if I am at the show as she wants to see me, I say no but she asks what my bike riding friends name is, I laugh & say I am not telling her because I don’t want her to talk to him & then I say “It doesn’t matter anyway as he’s not there because they cancelled the show” There’s a weird silence, I ask if she’s still on the phone with me & she says “Um, I’m watching them ride now #IBD4U” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I hate when your parent uses your name that way too, you can just imagine a mum saying to you, she doesn’t want to break my heart but knows I need to know, they say your name quietly. I try to dismiss it, saying that’s weird he said it was cancelled & I act all nonchalant & say that it doesn’t matter anyway as he’s on his way to my house, so I’ll ask about it when he gets there.

By the time Motocross gets to my house, I feel like my head is going to explode with questions. I don’t want to blurt them all out, I need some time to process this before I snap & come across accusatory. I turn on YouTube & he notices that my fucking suggestions are all about motorbikes, that I have to explain that my nephews were watching on the weekend. I try not to over explain so I don’t look like I’m lying, I’ve told him about my nephew liking the Willy scooter guy & Motocross tells me that he knows this kid as they used to do Nitro Circus together & he’s messaged him to ask him to sign something for my Nephew! OMG… That is so fucking sweet, I tell my sister but we don’t say anything to my nephew obviously because I don’t know if either guy will come through with the goods so I just tell Motocross that it’s heaps sweet of him to do & he says that the Willy kid owes him a favour so it’s ok.

It’s almost like Motocross or the universe knows I want to talk but needed time to process my thoughts about this whole show thing, I mean I was only going to see him & he acted all weird about it, he also said it was cancelled but my mum was at the actual show watching the bike riders… Or is it that I am getting closer to finding out that everything Motocross has told me is a load of fucking bullshit? It’s not even 10:00 pm & Motocross looks at his watch & says that his dad has been calling & just messaged & said to come home. He doesn’t bring his phone with him so he only has the message on his watch. He says that he doesn’t know what this is about & will go home to find out but will come back. Couple of things here – why didn’t he just call his dad to ask what is wrong rather than leaving. Also ages ago his phone was broken due to being in water yet he doesn’t have his phone here now & is sending & receiving text messages but couldn’t message me that weekend?! FUCK.

Motocross literally runs out the door so fast, no hug or even a proper goodbye but he says that he will come back shortly. I say no worries but as soon as he leaves, I get into my pjs & get into bed, he is 100% not coming back! I feel it in my gut. I just know it… I feel like an idiot…

#IBD4U

The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!

I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!

I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.

Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.

I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!

When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.

Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!

Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.

He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.

I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…

I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…

Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.

So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!

I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.

Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…

I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.

At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!

#IBD4U

Just FYI – if you skipped over Sundays Silverlining blog post because you wanted a Motocross post, then I suggest you go back & read it before you read this one, it is important to the #IBD4U story! Trust me, you probably need to read it before you read anything else!

One thing I also forgot to tell you, is that Motocross told me about a house he was looking at buying, I can’t help but think this is a good sign, I ask if he’s looking at moving back here & he says that’s always the plan. I can’t help but think if this goes well, we can do long distance or something for a while, or I could live in America – would be good to get away from Adelaide for a while. He tells me that the house he’s found has a pool & is in a small town in the Adelaide hills. We sort of don’t linger on the topic but the next day I look it up on the internet – like a fuckwit, there is only one house with a pool in that town on the real estate website & it’s a fucking god damn mansion! I am literally floored at the fucking house… It’s got a horse stable, a vineyard, an infinity pool, the whole house is remodelled, it’s absolutely stunning, a fucking dream house! I show a couple of people at work, including my boss – who starts planning the house warming party (He’s worse than me! Not that I’m denying planning where my amazing furniture would go in this house! Hahaha…) WTF as if a guy I am dating could afford this?! This type of house is not in my reality at all… I mean most of my friends have houses, nice houses but not dream houses! I have no idea what the price is because it’s only open by appointment & the price isn’t listed. FUCK. It kind of makes me uncomfortable at how much debt I have & how much money he has. I mean I am lucky & in a good position in my life, I have a house & an investment property however I’m in a fuck ton of debt! But this actually kicks my butt to get my finances sorted – while I still have mortgages, I work really hard while dating Motocross to pay off my afterpay & credit card so I have some savings. I mean I am going to Queensland in a few weeks too! I plan to do a lot of shopping!

Motocross also tells me that is car that he drives is worth about $75k. It’s a older Holden Commodore ute thing. Now I know cars a little so I know it’s a nice car, but fuck if that car is worth $75k, then I’m a monkeys uncle! He also tells me that he has a BMW van, which he does drive to my house one night, I don’t ever really see it but I notice his car key when he puts it down. As he generally only brings one key in & doesn’t bring his phone or wallet.

This is also about the time I write the What the fuck is there to do in Adelaide? blog (Do you remember that one!? It was about Motocross – if you haven’t already joined those dots. Hahaha.) I didn’t want to keep just hanging around my house, especially since we aren’t having a lot of sex anymore, that I write that post asking you what we can do & I start planning some fun dates. Unfortunately he’s always away on the weekends so we have to do after work things – which limits things but it’s still better than watching YouTube & listening to music 3-4 times a week.

I don’t hear from Motocross Wednesday or Thursday so I message when I get home on Thursday night after work & ask if he wants to do dinner before bowling, he says yeah that he’s just leaving the city now. After chatting to Silverlining about this date, I decide to put on my favourite lingerie, not that Motocross will probably notice, but I put it on anyway to make me feel better. I am going to make a move tonight! Yes, I can do it!

Motocross gets to my house about 6:30 pm, I’ve booked online the bowling alley but my friend at work told me he needs to absolutely pay for bowling. That he owes me, I’ve paid for everything & he keeps boasting about his money that he needs to pay. I don’t have a lot of money as it’s the end of the fortnight & I really want steak so I take him to a new steak house near my house but there is a fucking quiz night on! I literally laugh my head off at the fact we’re trying to go somewhere with a fucking quiz night again, it’s freezing outside & I suggest we sit outside or try the fancy burger joint up the road. He doesn’t have a jacket (& is shivering) but we walk up the road to the burger place & as we order, he stands back so I pay for me own & then he steps up & pays for his… I am all for paying my own way, you know I’m an independent woman with a mortgage & an investment property, I do not need a man to pay for anything for me – ever. However this man has bragged about a $90k car he’s just bought his brother, he’s talked about a mansion he’s potentially buying, he’s told me that he wins $20k per weekend at the races, so surely this guy can fork out the $20 for my dinner?! That’s ok, I’ll somehow get him to pay for the 2 games of bowling which is almost $50. Yes he can pay for the bowling!

We eat awkwardly at a stool, there are no tables & it’s messy so I try so hard not to look like a slob with burger all over my face. We eat then I drive us to the bowling alley, there is about 5 people in there, I was expecting it to be more packed but it’s not. I stand at the counter checking in while Motocross stands back & I pull out my card to pay for the bowling, which I can’t really afford, because he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket again. I have to put it on my credit card. It puts a dampener over the evening for me, I was expecting a cheeky night where we sit next to each other between bowls & chat or kiss… But he sits at the other end of the bench that I sit at & I think he couldn’t possibly get any further away from me if he tried.

I bowl first & get a strike, acting all coy about being reasonable at this game. Between shots we don’t touch or act cheeky like I have went bowling before – remember Fireman?! When I went bowling with him we sat close, we touched, we were cheeky – it was like a proper date. However it was darker at that bowling alley, it’s bright as fuck in here, with every fluro overhead light that is possible being on. It’s not really date sort of lighting, lets put it that way. Motocross asks me if I want a drink, I say yes & he comes back with a giant cup of soda that I assume he’s only going to buy me one beer! Between shots, he starts playing with his phone a lot, standing behind the partition that holds all the bowling balls, so much so that it makes me suspicious & I ask him what he’s doing, he stays he’s getting messages about this weekend’s show & riding at the Royal show which is starting tomorrow. Stuff he has to sort out. He apologises but my mood has taken a further nose dive. I shut down & barely speak, thinking this guy is just not into me. Silverlining is right, I mean I am invested with this guy & he clearly isn’t into me at all!

I feel like a fucking idiot, I am wearing lingerie, I am really interested in this man & he couldn’t give a fuck about me… Why do I feel so stupid… Yet another man has used me for whatever purpose…

When we drive home, he plays with his phone in the car, I am in more of a mood, I mean he made me drive, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket for anything yet constantly talks about money, I’ve never been with a guy who talks as much about how much things cost as Motocross does. I don’t even think I’ve told him I own my house – actually I think I did tell him I own my house but don’t think he knows about my investment. I did so an experiment once to tell men that I rented, that I didn’t have a mortgage because apparently I am too independent. However it makes no difference. What is this with Motocross? Are we friends?! Can we even be considered friends at this point?

He comes in, which actually surprises me tonight. I get even grumpier because I get the feeling we’re not going to have sex as well. I am certainly not making a move on him tonight & I think he can pick up on my vibe. I want him to go. But I mean the only thing that will turn this around now, is if we have sex.

We sit around talking for an hour or so listening to youtube music videos. He has at least put his phone away & is paying attention to me. We’re talking about how he’s riding at the Royal show all week & then the weekend he’s away for crusty demons then he’s back riding at the show. I yawn a lot & try to give signals that I want him to leave – this is a new development for me, I have never wanted a man to leave. I mean I want him to stay because he wants to stay, but as soon as he says he should go, I just up, ready to say goodbye. Normally I take a while to get off the couch or he has to pull me up to hug me, tonight, I am ready to for him to leave. I feel deflated & stupid. I have worn my favourite lingerie to make myself feel better & to see if his eyes pop when he sees me in it – just like Noodle would, but he’s been more interested in his phone that I think I am just his friend.

He hugs me goodbye, even longer than usual, I try to pull away quicker but he hangs on, like he knows I am not happy but doesn’t know what to say… He doesn’t sent a date to see me again, he says he’ll text tomorrow, I say sure. I think he can sense the tone of the evening & knows I am really pissed. I mean it’s 11:00 pm & he’s leaving, without sex, without a kiss, without another prospect of a date… I am shutting down & I don’t even care if he can tell or not to be honest. I am not contacting this guy again, if he’s keen, he’ll be true to his word & message tomorrow, if he’s not, then I’m ok with that.

Or am I just putting on a brave front because I think this man is not into me & pulling away?

#IBD4U

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U

When I wake up I decide not to write back straight away to Motocross’ message saying that he’s changed his flight, I mean I am not sure I believe it. But is it so unbelievable that a man would want to change his flight so he could see me?! Or do I just not believe any of what this guy is telling me because I can’t google him & he should be easily googled from info that he’s told me about his occupation?!

I make him (for a change) wait till almost 11:00 am for my reply “Hey sorry I was asleep when I got your message. I have a hair appointment tonight so will be home about 9-9:30 if that’s ok?” he says it sounds good. We don’t talk again for the rest of the day. After my appointment, I send him a message that I’ll be home in the next 10 minutes. He replies instantly “Sounds good I’ll be inside you in 20” with a poking out tongue emoji. FUCK finally! I say that I hope so & he says “Lol it’s happening” Maybe it isn’t just friends for him?

I walk in the door, turn on the heater, grab a beer & shortly after Motocross knocks on the door. Really, he’s still knocking, unless I tell him the door is unlocked he knocks?! Anyway whatever, lets not dwell on that… He gets to my house & I kind of expect to be pushed up against the wall in the throws of passion, but he comes in awkwardly & doesn’t kiss me hello, he says something about my hair (at least he says something about my hair!) & we sit on the couch, chatting.

It’s already after 9:30 pm when we sit chatting, both us take turns in getting up to warm by the heater, when he is standing by the heater at one point, I say something about his flight that was supposed to be today & he says that if I had’ve written back to him last night that he would’ve come over then (Murray Bridge is an hour & a half drive from my house – he wouldn’t have got here till after 12:30 am – would he have really come over?!) & his reply said that he had already changed his flight to come over tonight, but he says “Well I changed it cos I wanted to see you.” I sit there unable to look at him thinking how fucking cute that is – smirking like an idiot, I say that quietly & he asks what I said, coming back over to the couch to sit next to me, this time a little closer, I tell him that it’s fucking cute that he changed his flight… I feel like I don’t blush a lot in real life (As you can imagine, I am quite open with a lot of things – blushing isn’t something that happens often) but I am blushing. So it’s not long (but it’s longer than 20 minutes) that Motocross & I lean into kiss each other, both realising we need to make a move at the same time, we kiss & have sex in my bedroom the same way as we have most times we’ve fucked. It’s good & I can’t believe how much I missed it. What a relief.

Laying there afterwards, naked in bed, he says “We should’ve done that 4 times ago” I can’t help but giggle, not only do I agree & wish we had fucked the last few times but how fucking cute is it that he knows how many times he’s seen me that we haven’t had sex!! I ask why didn’t we have sex 4 times & he just says he doesn’t know… I mean I have no excuse for it either, it’s not like we’re tired, He leaves at midnight or later, it’s not that late that we’re so tired we don’t want too. He also tells me at this time that I’m the best at giving head that he’s ever had… I like sucking dick, we all know that… However this guy hasn’t ever gone down on me & he’s still not touched my clit to get me off. Yet I’m still sucking his dick? & he’s not the first guy to tell me that I’m the best they’ve ever had… So I know I am good at it, great even…

He gets up to leave around 1:30 am, giving me that lingering hug at the door & saying he’ll message me tomorrow. Which is also a new development too, saying that he’ll message tomorrow. He usually just plans the next date before he leaves or just hugs me, so saying he’ll message tomorrow is quite new. I also will now stupidly expect a message, I mean if I say I’m going to message, then I will message. So unfortunately for me, tomorrow I will think about nothing else, until he messages me… I almost wish he didn’t say he would message me, because then I can just go about my day & not think about why he hasn’t messaged me.

The next day, I think about him all day. I know his flight to wherever he is going is today, that he changed – I don’t know what time it is though… I still can’t believe I fell for that – is it even true?! Well I’ll never know so we will just give him the benefit of the doubt! I wait for his message & the whole day I jump every time I get a notification on my phone waiting for his fucking message! Fuck you Motocross for saying he’d message! It’s Friday night, I have a work social club event, bowling & laser tag so I am out when I see his name pop up on my watch “Hey how was your day?” Wow he actually messaged me first! I tell him that I’m on my way home & ask how his flight was, he asks how bowling is & I say that I won the game of bowling & came 4^th in laser tag. He sounds surprised that I say I’m not that shit at activities. He says that he is surprised but didn’t think I was shit. I tell him that I could kick his ass he replies “haha settle down miss pumping your own tires much” Why the fuck do men call women miss? Especially women older than them. It’s weird! I tell him that I have to pump my own tyres as no one else will! He says that I was good at mini golf & he says about bowling “I thought you might get distracted with balls in hands. True I’d pump ya but not your tires tho” I tell him that he did that last night & it felt fucking amazing, he says he’s keen for more though (tho). Well that’s good to know – I guess. I tell him that I’ll take him bowling & how him how good I am & that I am keen for more too. He says “Yeah that sounds good I’m keen” I ask if he means bowling or sex & he says both. I say good answer & he says correct. I don’t reply as I fall asleep.

We don’t talk again until Sunday when I message to ask how his weekend was & if he won his race. He says that he did (of course!) I tell him that I have been out this weekend for a ride with nephew, he then asks what I’m doing tonight! Finally this dude is making plans. Interestingly when I back off a bit, he seems to realise. I tell him that my family is over & he came come over after, he says ”Yeah sure I can cum” I smirk at that, I message him at 8:20 pm to say my family is going now, but when he’s still not at my house at 8:45 pm nor has he replied, that I send another message. I don’t get a reply but he rocks up 15 minutes later, with no kiss as he walks in but an apology for being later & not replying to my texts.

We sit down on the couch watching music, I prefer to put on music because then we talk. If we watch a dumb movie, we actually watch the movie. Motocross sits closer to me tonight instead of on the other end of the couch, we actually snuggle while chatting, which is also a new development, I’m not a really cuddly person, so I don’t mind not cuddling but this is nice to sit, chat & cuddle for a change. It’s been 6 weeks with Motocross & we’ve been on over 20 dates & we’re finally cuddling on the couch like a couple. While our sex is the same as in his moves are the same, no foreplay besides kissing, it’s also very different, it feels different, more connected perhaps? Motocross tells me afterwards that I am the best he’s ever had. This isn’t new news to me, I’ve been told this before & he’s told me similar before.

When Motocross jumps up to leave, I am perplexed. I do tell him that he can stay over sometimes & he says he definitely will, we have the lingering hug goodbye & he asks what I’m doing Tuesday, am I free to catch up, which I say that I am. Ironically though, he knows I have a high sex drive, he’s told me that he has a high sex drive, we’re obviously moving into a more than friends, more than sex vibe, why doesn’t he want to stay over? Why doesn’t he want to message me more? Is it because he’s leaving for the USA in a couple of months & he’s getting attached already? I don’t know why I can’t ask the questions, I don’t want to ruin then time when we’re together. I also don’t want to be that crazy woman demanding he message me every day & then I become an obligation. I want someone to want to be with me because they want to be with me – not because I give them an ultimatum or pull a stunt!

We don’t message again after that cuddly evening until Tuesday when I message to say I’m going to the gym he can come after he says yeah cool. I message when I get home & he says that he’s just eating so it takes him almost 40 minutes to get to my house at 9:00pm. I have put on music again so we can talk. I am also trying to build up the courage to talk to him about what the fuck is going on with us. He gets all excited about the car that he’s buying his brother this week. He says that he’s never had a brand new car & Motocross is buying him a brand new car, he went to Holden this week to look at cars & has picked one out, he’ll pick it up tomorrow & give it to him. He tells me how it’s a $90k car & he had the cash in a backpack! -WTF?! $90K IN A BACKPACK? Really?! I honestly have no reason to doubt what this guy tells me – to not believe him, but I also find it really hard to believe anything he says to me. Could this even be true?!

It’s like he can sense I want to talk to him about us & the where were going talk, because he says he’s really tired & really sorry but he’s going to go home. He’s been at my house an hour & a half, why did he bother? I guess he didn’t want to bail. He wanted to see me perhaps? So we obviously don’t have sex, we don’t have the talk I was planning, he gives me a lingering hug goodbye & says that he wants to see me Thursday. I say ok & suggest that we go bowling, since we talked about it a few times since I went with work people. He says he’d love that, but also apologising for leaving, walking out about 10:30 pm after getting to mine at 9:00 pm. I need to back away, I am going to get hurt here. I can just feel it.

#IBD4U

Ok so as you may or may not remember, Motocross said in his profile that he likes mini golf & adventures etc. He’s a motocross/supercross rider so I know that he likes to do some different things. I decide that tonight that I am going to take him to the indoor mini golf pub called Holey Moley in the city. I’m going to show him that I’m fun that I’m not just about sitting at home watching bullshit movies like Sharknado. I message him that I got home early, as I’m going to get my tax done, that I am going to cook us dinner & then instead of watching movies we’re going to the mini golf place (I’ve talked to him about it before asking if he’s been there before or not). He says ok that sounds good. I message him a couple of hours later when I am home from the tax agent & he says he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

True to form, Motocross rocks up at exactly the time he says, I kiss him on the cheek awkwardly when he walks in. We walk into the kitchen as I am making taco bowls, I have cut everything up & put in bowls on the bench, I have sour cream, salsa, avocado, corn, lettuce, tomato, refried beans, mayo, cheese, capsicum & the taco meat. I have gone all out for this guy, probably more than I would put out for my own taco bowls.

I’m dressed in a cute skirt with tights & a top, ready to put my boots on to go out tonight. I am having a beer, because I assume he’ll drive. I give him a bowl & let him make his taco bowl to his liking. Literally he puts a tiny bit of lettuce in the bowl with a bit of meat & cheese. No sauces, no other toppings. I ask him if he doesn’t eat anything else & he says that he likes plain food, I ask if he wants tomato sauce, with a laugh but he says no. I have stupidly been buying him coke too when I go to the shops, I drink sugar free so I have both options in the fridge for him – I offer beer but he takes a coke. We sit & eat dinner chatting on the couch. I seriously can’t believe he is just eating taco meat & cheese. After dinner we head into the city, he gets me to drive because he says he doesn’t know where he is going. I get a rock star park & even show off my amazing reverse parallel parking skills… I know he is impressed because he says something. I have already booked & paid for the mini golf online because I wanted to make sure we got in, it’s usually pretty busy but it is a weeknight, so I’m not sure it’s that busy – it is quite busy for a Thursday.

We go to the bar & buy drinks, he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket so I pay for them & we play the game of mini golf. We play a bit quicker than I have ever played there, however every time I’ve been here it’s been with a big group so it can take a lot of time if they need a bunch of hits to get the ball in. He’s good, but I’m actually not too bad at the game either, however he wins but I am not that far behind him to be honest.

It’s not like I expect either, I mean it would be a perfect date to try to help me with my putting or touch me & be cheeky, however Motocross never touches me at all… We go up to the bar for another drink, which he pays for & the guy asks if we want the second course for a discounted price, Motocross says yeah & he pays for the drinks & the discounted course. We play another round. It’s fun & laugh a lot but we don’t touch, god forbid we touch or kiss.

After our second drink & second game we head home. We talk about the mini golf the whole way home, I mean he was super excited the entire trip to the city & now he’s talking about what holes he liked the best & how they had it set up. He also kept our score card & kept going through it on the way home.

I let him out of my car before I go into my carport as the passenger can’t get out with my kayaks on the wall & it’s a tight squeeze. He stands by my front door waiting for me to unlock it, he comes in & I offer him a drink turning on the heater & tv. We both always take it in turns about who stands in front of the heater & we talk a lot to be honest. He stays at my house till midnight but again we don’t have sex! He hugs me goodbye, that lingering hug that makes me feel pretty safe & that this is more than just friends, but also somehow makes me feel like this could be just friendship…

Ok is it weird it’s twice in a row that we haven’t had sex? This is new to me, is it a relationship or are we just friends? I again try not to dwell on it because I don’t want to pressure it either. I mean do I even know what I want? While I like this guy a lot, I like hanging out with him, it is missing something, it is missing the passion – the can’t keep your hands off each other passion that I had with Noodle. There is no way even the times I met Noodle for just lunch when I tried to end it or the times we met, we couldn’t not touch. I do have sexual chemistry with Motocross but do I have the passion? I mean this feels like we’re more than just friends. Are we just friends? Is that all he’s looking for? I mean he’s going back to the USA in October – though he’s also told me November too so who knows, maybe he’s pulling away because of that? Maybe he just wants to be friends?

I decide that I need to pull back from this too, I am getting too invested & he’s putting up barriers, so I decide that I am not going to message him to see what’s up this weekend, we last talked on Thursday after golf, its now Sunday. I don’t remember if he’s home or not, I refuse to message, even though I think about it all weekend. Literally the second my family arrive at my house, I see his little face pop up on my watch, I can’t help but smirk like a jerk at the fact he’s finally messaged me first. Maybe he is into me? Maybe this is more than sex? Maybe this is more than friendship? No guy messages to ask how your weekend was if he just what’s to be friends?!

We talk about our weekends & it’s all very cordial, I talk about how I saw the news with the Sydney show being cancelled & he said that there as no reason for people to be pissed off. I then ask if he wants to come over a bit later as my family are packing up, he says that he’ll see me soon & 15 minutes later he’s at my door, knocking.

He comes in & we talk the evening away, I don’t recall all the conversations we have but I am getting to know this guy a lot better. I talk about my trip to Brisbane, we talk about his trips away for work (riding), we talk about how shit my work is at the moment. We just talk a lot, especially when we’re not watching movies. So I tend to put on YouTube music videos because we learn a lot more about each other when we listen to music. He’s at my house till around midnight, again yet we don’t have sex! FUCK what is going on here?! As he lingers with his hug goodbye, squeezing me tight, he asks what I’m doing on Tuesday night, I say nothing but the gym & he says that he’ll see me then. Do these hugs means something? I know I don’t get men’s cues very good, they need to not be subtle with me, they need to be straight to the point about what they want, I know he can be shy, I am definitely awkward, so we’re not a great match at making moves.

We don’t speak again until Tuesday, I message & ask if he’s coming over as per his hug request, I say that I’ll be home around 8:00 pm, he says that he’ll come on over then, I tell him the door is unlocked, I’m just in the shower. He comes over & we sit around again, chatting listening to music till around midnight when the exact same thing happens, no sex, the lingering hug but no plans to catch up this week – he’s flying out on Thursday sometime so I probably won’t see him till next week. This is exactly 6 weeks since we met online…

I realise on the Wednesday that I am horny & want sex, if I don’t get sex with him tonight it’ll be almost 2 weeks since we had sex, but I’ve seen him 4 times – where we could’ve had sex, I figure I’m going to have to make a move if I want this to happen. Believe me the last 4 times, I’ve thought about it, I’ve tried to make a move but my stupid brain won’t let me. Making me think that he’s just not that into me & we’re just friends… No guy would hang out with someone this often if they are just friends, would they? I mean would you come to someone’s house 3-4 times a week if you just wanted to be friends?

So on Wednesday I message “Hey, I just realised that I probably won’t get to see you till next week, if I don’t see you tonight. So just wondered if you’re free tonight?” I send it at 6:30 pm, so I can still go to the gym if he can’t make it. He replies almost instantly that he’s out at the moment & he’ll try to come around after but he’s at Murray Bridge. I say that’s no worries, I’m off to the gym, will be home around 8:00 pm & he should let me know. After gym I shower as usual & sit around waiting for a message, even a message to say sorry I can’t make it. But nothing comes. I go to bed pretty fucked off, so I can’t sleep at all. I toss & turn all night till just after 11:00 pm I hear a text message come though. I read it “Hey sorry I’m just leaving Murray Bridge now I’m changed my flight till Friday morning so I’ll see you tomorrow night” I fucking hate that I smirk like a wanker at the fact he’s changed his flight, I mean am I that gullible?! Did he really change his flight that late at night to see me? I refuse to write back because he should’ve messaged me earlier to just say sorry he wouldn’t see me tonight – just so I wasn’t sitting around waiting, so now, he can wait, he can feel like the idiot for a change, wondering if he changed his flight for no reason!

I fall asleep pretty quickly, finally able to relax!

#IBD4U

So my birthday weekend consists of a few drinks with friends at the Switch event on Friday night. I have met a guy at Rope who literally looks half like Noodle & half like Dom Dom, that I am quite attracted to him & we’ve been chatting online about him doing some impact play with me, which he did at the last Switch when I wore the nurse costume. I’m wearing a different costume this time – in line with the theme that makes me feel uncomfortable of Animals. It’s my birthday so I talk to Ripples about being tied as usual at Switch & this other guy, who I’m not sure I’ve nicknamed yet, but he’s tied me before, I’ve talked about before I’m sure & who I would really love to tie with him more.

I’m not sure how I’m going to explain the bruises on my ass from my impact play this weekend to Motocross, he always asks me to flip over & fucks me from behind, I bruise easily & I bruise a lot from impact play – I wish I could show you a picture because sometimes they look amazing (If you’re into bruises I guess) I don’t want to freak Motocross out so I don’t know what I am going to say when I see him next, generally I can have a bruise on my ass for over a week from impact play like this.

Maybe I should explain impact play for you too? Well it can be a sexual thing of course, everything technically can be really if it turns you on. I mean I like being hit & bruised in a sexual way, but at Switch it isn’t about sex, it’s sexual & dominated & fun but I’m not fucking these guys, a bit like Rope, while it can be sexual it’s not with me & the guys that I am doing it with. So impact play, I usually am up against something & then he’ll use toys such as whips, paddles, door stops or even his hand to spank my ass, sometimes my legs… It makes me wince sometimes but it’s a good feeling, oddly. I guess it’s not for everyone of course, but I do enjoy a bit of impact play.

I am not completely drunk but I am tipsy, I have a great night & I go home to sleep it off, waking up with a sore ass in the morning. Saturday comes & goes with nothing from Motocross (Almost forgot this was a post about him! Hahah) I am busy & not really worried about him messaging, I know he’s away with his brother at the moment & also racing.

Sunday comes & goes too, my family come over as usual when I think fuck it, I am just going to message him. I don’t think he was coming back Sunday night like usual, I think he was staying till Monday with his brother so I don’t think he can see me tonight, but I still want to see how his weekend was. I just ask how his weekend was with his bro. “Hey weekend got cut short we only got half a show in before the weather kicked in and it became dangerous to ride so there gonna re set a date to go back catching up with me bro was good thanks. How was your weekend birthday go well hope did you end up hitting town” I had seen on the news – mainly because Facebook keeps popping up crusty demon adverts for me that the Sydney show was cut short. People were heaps pissed about it & it was a big controversy, especially since it was all just plastic seats & people paid hundreds of dollars. “Awww that sucks. Winter probably isn’t the best time to have shows. Yeah birthday weekend was really good. Went out but lost my ATM card. Never lost it before & wasn’t supremely drunk” Out of all the times I have have been so wasted that I am vomiting or unable to stand (I used to be a super messy drunk) but at kink events after I got so drunk that night, I now hate deing drunk & don’t drink as much as I used too. It was like the kick up my ass to not drink to excess anymore. But this night I somehow lost my bank card. “Yeah definitely sucks but all good just gotta go back and do it again soon. Yeah nice I’m good it was really good then. Oooh that’s not good defs not fun losing that” I send him a picture of me & my friend where I look super cute in my costume & tell him I have my new card sorted & that I can pay with my phone so it’s ok. But I never get a reply. Jesus, not this old chestnut.

I decide that I am not going to obsess about it, the next day around lunch time I just send him a cheeky message “Did me as a bug scare you? Hahaha” with an emoji face. He literally writes back within seconds “Huh a bug scare me you still drunk” WHAT? I’m not drunk, what the hell? “Hahaha no, just thought you’d have said something… I figured you’re scared of the dark at my house, that maybe you’re scared of bugs” He says all the time that my house is dark, I never have a lot of lights on mainly because I don’t need too. I assumed he would have written back to my picture message & said something… he says “Hahaha oh nah not even scared lol” I don’t beat around the bush & ask if he’s free tonight or tomorrow, he says that he’s free tomorrow, so I say about 8:30 pm & he says “okay see you then.”

Again I don’t hear from him all day on Tuesday, I don’t message him either. I don’t even message that I am home, assuming he’ll just rock up at 8:30 pm, but he messages at 8:40 pm to ask if I’m home, I say that I’m sorry I assumed he’d just come over. He says that he’ll see me soon & 5 minutes later he knocks on the door & we pass by each other without a hello kiss. When we’re sitting on the couch I ask him about the picture & why he didn’t have a comment about it, I mean I am in a costume, surely he would have something to say about it, I look cute, my cleavage is amazing. He says that he never got it, I think that’s fucking weird, I show him the messages that I sent him & he says that he didn’t get it. He says that he left his phone in the car so he’ll show me later. Now I know what you’re all thinking, what a crock of shit, because that’s what I thought too, I was like he’ll just delete the message & pretend it wasn’t there if & when he shows me his messages… However, as fate would have it I had sent a picture message to a guy at the plumbing store (not a euphemism) before my birthday & I never got a reply, so around this same time I text again asking if he had any luck finding a matching thing I wanted, the plumbing store dude was like who is this? I then speak to him on the phone & he said that he never got my picture message… So apparently something is not right with my phone because it’s not sending pictures. Had I not found that out about the plumbing dude, I wouldn’t have believed Motocross at all. So maybe I am being paranoid about all the other odd things that are making me suspicious?! Maybe there is an explanation for everything & I am just overthinking there to be a problem that isn’t really there?!

Interestingly Motocross is at my house till almost 2:00 am that night, however he never touches me & I don’t make a move on him either – of course because I’m like a teenager that can’t make a move on guys, even when I know they like me, he hugs me goodbye, which is a lingering hug & I feel like it’s a bit weird, but he asks what I’m doing Thursday night & wants to see me. I tell him that I’m free as we hug goodbye, my head on his chest, he squeezes & lets me go then leaves. I go to bed & as you can imagine, quite a few things go through my head… So this is the first time we’ve seen each other in the four, almost five weeks since we met, that we didn’t have sex. Lucky we didn’t in a way so I don’t have to explain the bruises on my ass. But considering he was at my house till almost 2:00 am, I can’t understand why he didn’t make a move on me & try to fuck me. Am I just so conditioned to expect a dude to fuck me if he likes me? I start to think that perhaps this is more than just sex for him, he likes hanging out with me too but doesn’t want to be just about sex with me. To be honest, I’ve never dated a guy consistently like this before & not had sex with them. Every guy I’ve dated Origin, Milky, Max, Noodle, Noddy (the main players in my life) & we’ve always met to have sex once we’ve had sex for the first time. Motocross is the first man I’ve dated since obviously my live in Boyrfeiend, that I’ve had sex with & then not had sex with on a date… What does it mean? Also I mean he’s still not sleeping over & I’m reminded of Origin & how many times I asked him to stay over but he didn’t. & surprisingly, after the amazing sex we had last time, I only thought it would get better with him… Not become non existent!

As I said last blog I am basically a 16 year old when it comes to dating so I don’t know what this means, I ask a couple of friends because fuck I am wigging out about this. A few say that it’s ok, it just means that it’s not all about sex, they say it’s a good thing. I mean I would believe that if he slept over. No one says it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t slept over or that we didn’t have sex for the first time, but I can’t help but feel something isn’t right… Am I being friend zoned here? Is he losing interest in me? I mean the texting has dwindled, however he’s still seeing me 3 – 4 weeks for over a month & he’s already locked in the next time to see me.

The next day we don’t talk – again this is ok with me, I am not wanting to be locked into a texting relationship so it’s not as upsetting to me as it once was. I think about what Motocross & I have been doing on our dates. We’ve basically sat at my house every night, watching movies or listened to music before we have sex. We had a few dinner dates & went to the play, but maybe this is getting boring. I mean it is for me. I start planning a fun date for Thursday! I am going to show Motocross what dating me can really be like!

#IBD4U

I think it’s about time I remind readers, especially new ones to my blog who have just been following the Motocross story, that while I am almost about to turn 38 in the time line of the story (in real life soon to be 39), I am a smart, educated, articulate professional, successful, well travelled woman – when it comes to almost every aspect of my life. But when it comes to dating, or relationships, I am basically stuck at 16 years old. I never did all the mini relationships that teach you what you should do when in these situations when I was younger. I was single until I was 22 & dumped at 25. Since then I’ve basically been single. I’ve only been in love once at age 36 & we all know how that turned out…

Most comments I get from my readers are that they love my story or they’re confused at why I did what I did, believe me when I read back over my stories, I am confused about how stupid I can be or how ridiculous I sound but this is just my diary, aired for you all to read. So please remember to be kind & to also remember, I am seriously emotionally retarded when it comes to dating. I don’t know how to do it & I make mistakes.

Having said that – I’m not holding back with Motocross this time, I don’t give a fuck, I’m going to be 38 in a few days (yes birthday looming!), I do want to get married at some point in my life, though that prospect is looking further & further away each day. I really want to be married & have a partner. I am not mucking around anymore. I’ve let a lot of things slide because I have stupidly stalked him – so I can’t ask about some of it, but this can’t go by without me asking the question, why didn’t he fucking message me this weekend. Yes I was abrupt about asking about it, but that’s my way, that’s just me. I will be silent for so long then snap!

He seems a bit taken back by my abruptness, maybe even a little scared – remember he stutters so his stutter is more prominent, that I’ve either scared him or he’s lying… But he tells me that after he won the race (of course he won!) all the guys were hanging around & they threw him in the ice bath with his phone in his pocket which killed it. Ok that’s a viable story – I guess, he said that he got a new phone this morning & only ever uses whatsapp to chat to his American neighbour who is looking after his house, which he was using on his computer. He said he was waiting till he got his new phone because he didn’t have a sim card with my number on it. I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I hate that I doubt him. I also hate that I’ll never know if he would’ve text me Tuesday (today) or not if I hadn’t found him on whatsapp… I fucking hate that.

Well Motocross is here, hanging out with me, so I don’t press it further – I mean he’s not lying to not see me, he’s lied presumably but still hanging out with me. We sit on the couch listening to songs on YouTube, he likes my taste in music & introduces me to a band he likes that’s similar to my mix, a band called Crossfade, he even sings a few songs when he plays them & I can’t help but think that this is quite comfortable… It’s nice that he’s relaxed around me, we sit & chat the entire evening, we don’t watch movies which is good, just chatting about all sorts of shit. I tell him about my upcoming trip to Brisbane & he asks so many questions about it, that I can’t help but think he’s implying he wants to come. He says that this weekend he’s going to Sydney earlier than usual because he’s meeting his brother there & has tickets for him & his friends for the show, he also says that his brother is coming to Adelaide in a few weeks too from NSW who he hasn’t seen for years so he’s looking forward to that & it’s his birthday so he wants to get him something big for it. I ask if it’s a big birthday like his 30^th or 40^th but Motocross says he’s turning 38 – which I already know that we are the same age, due to his friend request to me. Which by the way I forgot to tell you disappears… I either accidentally clicked ignore showing someone that he’d requested me or he deleted it after a year when he realises that I am dating his brother perhaps, maybe they’ve talked about me?! I don’t know which but I had screenshotted it – because that’s what I do!

I tell Motocross that it’s my birthday this week on Thursday & he says that he’s flying out on Thursday & wants to see me tomorrow instead. I can’t help but smirk, that’s so sweet he wants to see me for my birthday… Maybe the phone story is true?!

We have sex of course, he hangs around for a while & I tell him I’m not tired, as I’m not but then start yawning so he leaves just after midnight, saying he’ll come over after the gym tomorrow night. He hugs me quickly goodbye at the door, not kissing me as a peck on the lips before he leaves, which is just weird, I mean he has just been inside me, surely he can kiss me goodbye at this point? Three weeks ago today, we met at the pub face to face after having chatted for one day online.

The next day I don’t hear from him all day, I don’t attempt to write to him either, I don’t obsess about it, he said he’s going to come over, then he will. He doesn’t seem like the type to bail. I just send a message at 8pm saying I’m home & in the shower, door is unlocked. I don’t get a reply, but I rush in the shower, not wanting a repeat of yesterday’s awkwardness, I hear his car pull up about 8:30 pm & walks in while I am getting dressed, coming to find me, he says hey but doesn’t kiss me hello again. I don’t kiss him either.

We sit around chatting again watching more YouTube, it’s really nice getting to know this guy. We talk a lot about travelling & his bikes, my work which is really shit at the moment – however I try not to talk about it too much because I don’t want him to think I am just a whinger or after him for his money.

When we have sex, we do it the usual way & lay there afterwards naked & chatting, sometimes dozing in & out of sleep, we usually have sex a second time with me on top, which we don’t do tonight. However tonight after being fucked from behind, we lay back down on the bed & he lays behind me, he sort of spoons me, this is new, he’s not done this before. Touching my hips & running his hands over my side while kissing my neck from behind. FUCK… His hands run over my tits & up to my throat where he squeezes so lightly, I guess to test the waters of if choking is ok with me or not… I can feel his hard cock from behind & he actually slides his hand down to between my legs & he starts to finger me… This is also the first time he’s done that, he does it long enough for me to be really close to cumming, he then starts to slide his cock in from behind, I move to give him better access, his hand returns to my throat, he doesn’t choke me hard, it’s just gentle sexy squeezes while he fucks me on my side…

FUCK Motocross has pulled this out of the bag… I am fucking enjoying this sex the most out of every time we’ve fucked, I am close & I can feel him picking up speed on his thrusts & his squeezing my throat, that I slip my hand between my legs & rub my clit so I cum fucking hard, then shortly after he cums too! JESUS. That was so fucking unexpected… We lay there for a while, that was pretty much verging on epic sex! Finally… I even say to him how good that was, so he knows I loved that.

I realise that it’s after midnight, it’s my birthday… When I tell him the time because I was looking at my watch & he asked, he says happy birthday & I smirk like a wanker, he remembered. We lay there for a while longer before he gets up to leave about 1:00 am. He tells me that he’ll message me tomorrow & we hug goodbye at the door.

On my way to work the next morning, I get a text message from him “Heeeeey happy birthday miss hope you have a good day today” with about 5 emojis including a cake, chinking glasses & balloons. OMG. I grin like a fool… This guy remembered… This guy went out of his way to make me feel special too… I reply saying that it started out well & thank him. I don’t expect a reply, my phone goes off all day obviously being my birthday & to my surprise at almost 4:30 pm he messages again “Your welcome. Yeeeeah right well that’s good then hope you’ve enjoyed it so far then. Sorry I’m not there tho” Awwww, that’s so sweet, usually he doesn’t fly out till Friday but he’s organised to see his brother, not knowing it’s my birthday. I’m not bothered, I mean it would have been good if he was here but it’s not the end of the world, I mean this is only 3 weeks into whatever we are. “heheheh being naked with you was a pretty good start to my birthday. I fell asleep at 5:30 & just woke up. EEK. In bed already… Wish you were here too but understand the joys of travelling for work. You can make it up to me when you’re back” I don’t want him to feel bad, but I don’t want him to think I don’t want to see him either. “Haha that it was #Correct. Aww someone got tired on her birthday day. Yeah sorry I’ll be home before you know it. Oh really make it up to ya ay” I’m glad we still have some banter via text, we’ve been talking more in real life so the texting has dwindled, but the banter is still there “#True. Someone kept me up late 2 nights in a row… Hahaha. Not complaining, just stating a fact. Yes, make it up to me!” I try not to write back straight away but he knows I’m in bed so I realise how stupid that is, but I was I’m on the phone for birthday messages etc. “Excuses me miss you said you weren’t tired soooo you can’t be throwing me under the bus on that one. Yeah you definitely weren’t complaining. Haha alright I’ll see what I can do” Maybe I have nothing to worry about here? “Hmmmm I wasn’t tired, till I woke up with only 6 hours sleep. Hahaha Totally worth it! I never complain after I’ve cum. Look forward to it.” I don’t hear from Motocross again on my birthday, the next day I don’t stress about the fact we don’t talk. I don’t want just a texting relationship like I had with Noodle, so it’s ok we don’t message all the time. He’s also with his brother & his brothers friends all weekend. So it’s not a big deal. I relax & enjoy my birthday weekend.

#IBD4U

So while you’re all angry at me for making you wait with a cliff-hanger & you were all excited about Motocross, as was I, just imagine being me & waiting around like a loser for his reply in real life! For days!! Overthinkers nightmare!! I spent a long time agonising over that message that I sent on whatsapp, I mean stalker alert, what if this guy is trying to ghost me & I’m the barnacle on his butt that won’t leave him alone?! I rewrite it in my head over & over, I overthink the wording, what I would change if I could, what I should have written, should I write again!? FUCK.

I literally have a million things going through my head, mostly about what’s happened to him, not that he just didn’t want to write to me. He’s told me before that he had a bad accident that left him bed ridden & paralysed for 6 months, that I think about the worst case scenario, that he’s crashed, he’s injured, he’s in a bad way & no one knows to message me to tell me because they don’t even know about me. (When things got serious with Noodle, I told my sister how to contact him to tell him if anything happened to me – it wouldn’t have been the same if anything happened to Noodle, I would have never known, so I’m assuming it would be the same with Motocross.) If he was & was told, would I go to the hospital? Would I fly to where he is? Would I even be involved at this point, I mean it’s weird, but this is where my brain goes.

I don’t have to torture myself for much longer, I see his reply on my phone without having to click that I’ve read it, jeez whatsapp is good! So because I’m at work when he messages I read the preview but have to wait till later to reply. At least then I can read it & prepare a reply in my head before he sees that I’ve seen it…

“Hey I’m sorry I haven’t I’ve texted you me phone doesn’t work anymore gotta get a new phone today I got back to Adelaide last night. Me weekend was really good thanks. I’m definitely not seeing anyone I enjoy hanging out with you to once I get a phone today I’ll text you. I’m definitely not injured or anything.” Then 10 minutes later “I use wats app to check in with my neighbour back home to see how my house is going” The second message 10 minutes later makes me suspicious, I don’t know why, but it does… The fact that he had to explain something 10 minutes after the first message, just is weird to me – it’s something I’d do when trying to over explain something. What happened to his phone?! How is he using whatsapp if not on his phone? It’s his Australian number, not an American number for him to be messaging his neighbour. But the stupid part of my brain doesn’t really notice all that, & I fixate on the part that he likes hanging out with me & that he’s not seeing anyone else… What is wrong with me!? (This is also part of the reason why I don’t post in real time!)

Now, I talk about this on the podcast I was a guest on & I need to invent a word because desperate isn’t the right word, I am not in the traditional sense of the word desperate but I really want a relationship – I want this relationship to work out. I really want to have a partner & I chose this guy to be the one that I want try that with – he’s cute, we have good banter, we have some chemistry. It’s not desperation as such but I want it really badly, if that makes sense?! Maybe impatient? Or determined? (Thanks Thesaurus) still not 100% right, but do you get what I mean?!

So once I have time & have gathered my thoughts, about an hour later I reply, trying to come across as casual than I was before, but still showing interest “No worries… Don’t want to be a crazy chick or anything, but yeah wasn’t sure…. I use whatsapp for the family chat. But saw your contact & thought I’d just see, cos maybe you didn’t get my text… All good. Hope we can catch up again soon.” OMG. That is not casual… What is wrong with you?! Hahaha… He reads the message & doesn’t reply to it. I go about work thinking that I just have to let this guy go. He has multiple ways to contact me, if he wants too, then he will. If he doesn’t, I will walk away & just have a cry & move on.

About an hour & a bit later, I get a text with Motocrosses face popping up on my watch “Hey I’ve got a phone again. Apparently phones aren’t water proof. Soooo how was your weekend you got much planned for tonight” Errr, what?! Phones are waterproof, I’ve have a waterproof phone since I was with Noodle like 2 years ago? I remember because that’s when I started sharing shower pictures & was so obsessed with messaging Noodle every second I could, that I would take my phone with me in the shower! Motocross has an iPhone, I’m pretty sure most of them are waterproof & have been for many years… I try not to dwell on it, I mean the guy is now asking what I’m doing tonight, fuck I am so easy! This is tragic…

“Phones are waterproof if you don’t have a shit iPhone. My weekend was alright, except when I went riding with my nephew… Just going to the gym tonight, nothing else really” I am not going to swap around my gym schedule anymore for this guy, I would normally go earlier or skip it, but after the fact he doesn’t message me all weekend, I am not making any more sacrifices, maybe we are just friends?! “Oi nah there not silly iPhones aren’t shit just the operator. Yeah nice that’s good then oh what happened when you went riding. Oh yeah okay enjoy the gym then. If you want a visit later hit me up.” Hit me up!? I mean he’s said this to me before, I don’t really notice it at the time, but yeah hit me up, isn’t really wanting to hang out with me, is it?! It’s more just a comment like hit me up for sex. Or is it just the way he talks? Well of course you all know I want sex, that’s obvious, so why not… Maybe now I’m just over thinking everything!

I tell him that my phone is waterproof & I’ll prove it. I tell him that when I went riding my nephew stacked it & cried, that I had no idea what to do, #True, I was going to call my sister to pick us up! “But he was ok, he got up & rode on then came screaming down a hill past me ‘I’ve got no brakes’ yeah fun times…!” I then tell him that I’ll be home after 8 & he can come over about 8:30pm. He replies about an hour later “Hahaha oh nah I believe you miss. Ooh that’s unlucky then well least he’s okay then. Oh yeah okay that sounds good or so you wanna do it tomorrow night if your busy” I am pretty annoyed about the weekend of radio silence & even into the week, however my stupid vagina, fucking wants sex… “Yeah I wasn’t good when I got home hahaha, might not be able to watch you do tricks on your bike… I pretty much gym Tues, Weds & Thurs at the same time… just not been going while I’ve been seeing you but can’t keep skipping it… sexercise is not the same… so after is good for me, if that works for you” Yeah I am not skipping it anymore. Motocrosses wife was skinny, I bet I’m the fattest women he’s ever been with!

“Haha yeah right I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t cope seeing me ride then. Oh yeah okay that’s cool well I don’t wAnt you missing it cause of me I can just see you once you finished the gym then that’s cool by me” Yeah I am not changing my gym schedule anymore jerk. “Maybe I’ll just watch you through my fingers?! Hahaha… Or just don’t stack it?! Or scream at me I’ve got no brakes…! Alright, yeah it’s all good… I’ll see you at 8:30. I’ll leave the door unlocked in case I’m still in the shower” Then he can get the hint to just let himself in in the future. “Hahaha maybe best I’d say. Oh nah I don’t stack often hurts yo much unfortunately. LOL my brakes always work so no stress there. Yeah alright okay see ya then sounds good night join ya” So even though there is a spelling error, did he just ask to join me in the shower?! So I talk about my nephew crashing but add “Hahaha.. .I’ll just stay in the shower then shall I?” he replies with “Oh yeah interesting I’ll be cumin then” We text a little bit more, mainly his stupid hash tags of #True, #Interesting & #Correct.

I go to the gym & then message him that I’m home & the door is unlocked just after 8:00 pm. I don’t know what time he’s going to get here & I don’t know if he is serious about having a shower with me. Meeting me in the shower? So I race in the shower, washing my hair as quickly as I can, so I am basically done all the necessities when he gets here, if he jumps in too, I don’t want to be still brushing my teeth or rinsing my hair.

He rocks up about 8:30 pm & scares me as he enters the bathroom (Fuck, not again!), he chats to me through the glass shower screen, he comes in & sits on the edge of the bath chatting, that I have to ask if he’s getting in which he says nah, so I feel like a dick still being in here, I would have gotten out ages ago if I knew he wouldn’t get in.

I turn off the water & grab a towel, drying off in the shower cubicle, it’s not what I usually do but I feel a little exposed, he even says, something about me drying off in the shower & I say that I dry off in there… Which I don’t! I have no idea why I lie, but I then get out & sort of have to stand in front of him drying myself, naked. I feel exposed & weird, why does everything have to be weird after the weird weekend…

I get dressed into a warm casual tracksuit & we go sit in the lounge room, I have put on a YouTube mix before I showered, so we are listening to songs – just relaxing on the couch, I don’t want to suggest a movie because I don’t want to sit here in silence, I want an answer, I want to talk about this… So I sit there for ages when I finally build up the courage to turn to him & say “So what the fuck happened this weekend?”

#IBD4U

Out at dinner with my colleague & other participants, when I get a message from Motocross finally “Hey how was drive good hotel I hope” I can’t really reply because I’m working, I see it on my watch, so have to wait till I’m back in the hotel about 30 minutes later. “Hey, just got back to the hotel after a work dinner where I ate my weight in carbs… Kinda waste of time going for a run along the river before dinner. Hahaha… Drive was alright – boring & have to do it again tomorrow. Hotel is the usual shitty place. How was your day?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #IBD4U. Did he ask for your fucking life story?! I wait a while, with droopy eyes for his reply, but it doesn’t come so I fall asleep. I wake up early for breakfast with my colleague & we do what we have to do before he actually replies to me, mid afternoon when I am driving home – so I don’t get to read it or reply till later. It’s longer than what I can see on my watch so at least that’s positive… I don’t feel so stupid.

I get home & my friend is there still from KI & I need to go to the gym then dinner with her, so I don’t get time to write back to him. I read it though “Hey sorry bout the late reply. How’d the run go did you do it again. Ooh hopefully your drives more exciting on the way home then unlucky bout your hotel then me day was good thanks just in qld now obviously enjoying the weather up here” Well at least I got a long message back, now I don’t feel like such a dick! Hahaha.

I don’t write back till almost 8:00 pm “That’s ok, I was driving home. Went straight to the gym then dinner with my friend. Run was alright yesterday, my gps jipped me though on how many kms I did… Wish I was in qld. It’s fucking cold as fuck here…!” Just so you know, it’s the 1^st August, in the timeline… We’re now in August! I feel like I’m catching up, am I catching up?

He writes back “Oh yeah okay gee busy day then. How was dinner where’d you go. Oh you think you did more kms then your gps said. Yeah I bet you would be nice so your home now I’m guessing” Even though he barely uses punctuation, he is asking questions, he seems like he wants the conversation to keep going. I tell him that I went back to the pub I met him at but we didn’t sit outside this time. I tell him that I did four exact same laps & each one was a different length, so I’m not sure why my GPS fucked up. I say that I’m sitting in front of the heater with my friend watching TV & hanging for my own bed & ask him how his hotel is. I don’t get a reply. At all. I go to bed not thinking much of it, it’s about 9:00 pm where he is, he’s probably asleep? I go the entire next day without a reply too. WTF? I did ask a question to keep the conversation going. He didn’t reply.

My friend has gone back to KI, so I’m home alone overthinking, when I think fuck it, just message the guy! It’s almost 9:00 pm my time on Friday night when I just say “Hey how was you day?” a no pressure message. He writes back almost instantly. “Hey you yeah me day was good thanks pressday dismorring and an autograph singing in the arvo plus we hit up the go karts. How was your day tired of driving yet” I can’t even type out that message without giggling! I ask if he’s signed anything for me yet & tell him that I was in the office all day so was pretty boring day – I’m not sure why work thought it was more important than on the trip with my colleague, but anyway. He says that he hasn’t signed anything for me but he will & says at least I can relax now. I write back “Hahaha… Sign my ass! Yeah just got home & in bed… Got a busy weekend, bootcamp & dinner with gym people tomorrow” His replies come quickly “Haha oh gawd your funny sure. Oh yeah okay jealous I’m not there tho. Oh wow okay defs a busy weekend for ya I’m sure you’ll enjoy it nice where’s your dinner at” I am giggling as I write back “Hahah… you say you like it, so why not sign it? Yeah sucks you’re away… definelty lots of space in bed & a shardnado that hasn’t been watched yet… I think dinner is back at the same pub we met at” he’s told me several times he likes my ass, I do like my butt TBH. Again, his message comes very quickly “Hahaha nah I’m not saying it like that. Yeeeah I’m sorry lol Sharknado someone’s keen been thinking about it ay. Oh yeah nice sounds good” I reply with a sleepy smile “Then you can take a picture so I can see it! Carry my ass around with you! OMG. I’ve blocked sharkando from my memory till now… I refuse to spend the $6 on it” His reply takes a lot longer this time, that I fall asleep… I wake up to his reply that came 30 mins later “haha okay deal not complaining bout carrying your ass around… Really you actually blocked it haha of course you would refuse I would too” I go to the gym & reply after I’ve eaten breakfast “Sorry, fell asleep then woke up late for bootcamp this morning… But made it at least & now I’m fucked. You can look at my ass any time you like if you have it in your phone. I paid for the last 2 Sharknados, YouTube are going to think I’m a fucking weirdo” I go about my day, knowing that he’s racing & probably won’t have his phone.

I go out for dinner & I can’t help myself but keep wishing for him to message & me to see it on my watch. The message never comes… The next day, the same. Nothing… My mind goes to weird places, what if he has crashed? What if he’s in hospital? What if something happened? Should I text again in case his dad has his phone or something?! Should I just give the guy a break, he did say in his messages that he wanted to be in bed with me & carry my ass around in his phone. He’s clearly still keen on me. Nothing could have changed that much in a couple of texts. I can’t help but think the worst!

By Sunday evening after my family have been & gone, I am in the bath, thinking about Motocross in the bath with me. There is still no message from him. I can’t help myself but I look at my dating app, I honestly haven’t looked at it since Writer suggested that I suspend the account. I look at Motocrosses account & it says that he updated his profile a certain number of days ago, but it also says that he’s like 2000+ kms away or something… I realise two things, at least he’s not lying about being away but then that means he’s actually logged on to the account for the kms to update. But I also notice that the day he updated his account – which was him adding his snapchat account details to his profile, was the same day he came over & had a bath with me… Was it before or after we had the bath & he invited me to Vancouver?! Fuck I feel like an idiot… I keep my account hidden, I am never going to date again if this doesn’t work out!

Monday comes & he doesn’t message me either… All day & I get nothing. It does my head in so I send him a text at 8:40 pm “Hey, how’d the weekend go?” I never get a reply… WTF has happened here?! Is he ok? I am starting to get worried… Last message I got from him ws 10:00 pm Friday night, it’s now Monday night & nothing… Fuck? Tuesday morning, I wake up & am so unsure about what has happened here… But of course I think of nothing else… WTF…

I am lost at what has happened here… I am looking through my phone & look at whatsapp randomly. When I see Motocross has an account with his Australian phone number – thank you whatsapp for the ‘last seen’ time stamp because it says that he was last seen recently (I forget the exact time) Right…? So what the fuck does that mean!? Is he ignoring me on purpose?!

“Hey Motocross,

So I just saw you have whatsapp & noticed you’ve been online. So I’m not sure if you didn’t get my text or aren’t replying on purpose.

I hope it’s not the latter because I’ve liked hanging out with you, was looking forward to seeing you race & you told me you aren’t seeing anyone else plus we haven’t been using condoms…

Anyway, hope the weekend went well. I was worried you got injured when you didn’t reply or want to see me yesterday…

Hope to hear from you soon

#IBD4U”

Looking back on that message, I seem like a fucking skitzo, like I mean, I imply that because we aren’t using condoms, he has to write back to me?! Jesus… It’s so full on now when I read back on it. Also we’d talked about me going to watch him race & he’d also talked about teaching me to ride a motorbike – saying “we’ll get you going”. But the other good thing about whatsapp is you can see when they’ve read your message – so I’ll see when he reads it & if he ignores it, then I’ll have my answer. It also says when you’re online so I need to stay off there too while I await a reply. What the fuck has actual happened here?! What changed his mind so easily? & while I know it was only really two weeks, we talked almost every day – in fact, I think we did talk everyday up until this weekend, we had 8 dates – not just sex dates either, we’ve been out together, we’ve been intimate more than sex, he met 2 of my friends, we had a good time… While it was only a short time, I still think I deserve more than being ghosted completely here… I deserve an explanation, so while I am cringing at that message now many months later, I actually stand by it. What the fuck happened here & why isn’t he messaging me!? If he is cheating on someone with me, without me knowing, it’s odd that he’s been able to get away for as long & as late as he has… What excuse would he use?

URGH this is doing my head in…

#IBD4U

So Motocross is coming over again tonight, third night in a row… But I forget that my friend from Kangaroo Island is coming to stay for the week for uni. I don’t want to bail on either of them, so I tell her that he’s coming over & she should go visit someone for the evening & I’ll tell him that she’s staying over but will be out of the way – but will tell him. I am going away for work on Wednesday morning & he goes away Friday when I get home, so if I don’t see him tonight, I won’t see him till next Sunday or Monday, or worse even longer. I hope my friend understands, but too bad if she doesn’t. She’s staying here for free – while I’m away, so if I have to kick her out one night for my vagina, then so be it! Hahaha… I do feel awkward about it, but this is a budding relationship & I want to see him, not only for sex but I do want to hang out with him. She has a partner, so I’m sure she understands!

I haven’t heard from him again all day but I figure that if he’s planned to come over then he won’t bail – he doesn’t seem that type. I send him a message just before 4:00 pm saying that I will be home a bit earlier than usual so I am planning to go to the shops & get something for dinner & asked if he is keen to try my cooking. “I’m feeling adventurous so sure why not” I love that this guy can spell adventurous but struggles with shaw. Hahaha. I know he doesn’t eat eggs, so I ask if there is something else he doesn’t eat? He says mushrooms & brussel sprouts. Well I hate mushrooms – something in common, but will eat brussel sprouts, but not cooking anything with sprouts tonight. He says that’s kind of me, when I write back about an hour later I say that I forgot to tell him my friend is staying over, but she’s going out, that I’m just cooking dinner now & he should let me know what time he is coming over. I make chicken pad thai with carb free noodles, which I’m pretty sure will be too exotic for him! But I hope that he’ll enjoy it. About 45 minutes later, just after 6:00 pm, he says he’ll be here around 6:30pm, to stop me from overthinking if he’s late, I reply & say that’s fine, I’ll see him soon.

He rocks up & knocks on the door again, maybe I should tell him he can just come in at this point? Again he doesn’t go in for a kiss, so neither do I… Maybe were just friends who have sex? I mean the texting has dwindled quite substantially. But then again he has seen me three nights in a row.

We chat easily while I cook dinner, I have music on YouTube on the tv. I tell him that I’ve cooked Pad Thai & he comes over to the stove to have a look, I think this is the time be might kiss me or touch me but he doesn’t. He’s awkward, so I’m awkward. I wish I could make a move on guys when they’re being like this, I’m not really affectionate unless I am shown affection. Noodle was the only one I could make a move with ever, but they only time I ever really saw him was to fuck him, so it was easy. This is possibly going somewhere, it’s not just about sex, this could be more than that… I am hoping it’s more than that for him.

We eat dinner, he doesn’t eat as much as me but he says that he likes it but is used to more plain foods with ketchup. Yuck, food doused in ketchup… Sounds gross to me, but each to their own I guess. I’m not a huge sauce fan because they’re usually full of sugar & smoky.

After dinner, he picks a movie, I allow him to pick because I couldn’t really care less to what we watch & again it’s some movie about cars or bikes. He comments on the sounds of the bikes, saying they’re wrong for what they’re riding, of course I have no idea about that either – I couldn’t tell you what bikes sound like.

We’re sitting closer on the couch than we usually do, he normally spreads out & really relaxes, usually falling asleep before the movie is over. It’s not uncomfortable, I don’t need to sit cuddling him all night, I am not that cuddly to be honest. I have also had this back issue for a while now that I can’t sit in one spot for long at the moment & when you’re cuddling a man, you can’t squirm all over the place.

My friend texts me about 7:30 pm to tell me she’s on her way back to my house… Well I expected her to be out longer, this is going to be awkward. I mean Motocross & I are awkward all the time so fuck knows what it’ll be like when my friend gets here & sits down with us to watch the movie, will she have a better conversation with him? She can be a bit shy too, so don’t think she’ll try to talk to him too much. He has met a friend before I guess on the second date when we went to the play – it was weird but it went ok?!

She walks in the door around 8:00 pm & stands in the entry way the whole time, I introduce them to each other, we talk about her dinner & general chit chat & she says she’s going to bed, she has to be up early. So she heads off to bed & we continue to watch the movie.

When the movie finishes, he’s still sitting awfully close & turns to kiss me & pulls me on his lap, well this is new & fucking sexy. We’re kissing & he’s taken my top off while sitting on his lap. I unzip his jacket & slip his shirt off before I suggest we go to my bedroom, I think maybe he was thinking we should have sex on the couch being my bedroom is right next to where my friend is asleep, however, it’s only like 9:30 pm, she might get up & go to the bathroom or want a drink & would have to walk past us on the couch having sex to get to the kitchen. Once in the bedroom, I turn on the tv with YouTube songs because that will muffle any sounds & give the room a bit of a glow with the screen, so I don’t have the bright light on. But then the sex is the same, we basically take our own pants off & he slides on in, then asks me to do me from behind, I cum by rubbing my clit, then we fuck after a little break with me on top. It’s good sex, I am not complaining, of course, the sex is still good, but I am only cumming because I am rubbing my own clit & then when on top, it’s easier to cum, so I cum again because of the angle. I don’t know what it is but I squirt with him tonight… FUCK! I hope that doesn’t scare him off… I can’t stop it but he seems to love it & he cums again too.

We lay there sated for a while, he falls asleep & so do I sort of, but then I wake in the wet patch & as I’m shuffling in the bed to get more comfortable, he wakes up & says that he should go. I am disappointed but I am also ok with it too because I have to be up early to drive to the Riverland for a work trip with a colleague. He leaves around midnight. So the dates are a decent length, the texting, while that has dwindled, I am feeling good about this… Though we just seem to watch movies & not really talk as much as I would like, but it’s ok, we have plenty of time right?!

The next day I drive to the Riverland, meet my colleague there as I am not allowed to be there for the full trip for some ridiculous reason, things are weird at my work & I am hating it right now. I think it’s part of my why my back has been so sore, it’s stressful & the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact they pay me & the fact things are good in my love life… You know that saying, when things go well in one part of your life the rest falls apart? Well I’ve always gotten what I want in my career – for the most part, but now things aren’t going well career wise, maybe it’s time for my love life to pick up? I’m thinking it’s not that bad anyway with work, because you know me with my daydream of maybe even going back to the USA with Motocross for a holiday. I finally have three weeks of annual leave booked for mid-September, that I am wondering if I should take that long & possibly save some leave for a trip with Motocross? I booked 3 weeks because I was supposed to go to a Rope thing in Melbourne, but now I have started planning a week in QLD to visit my friend & her new baby. But wondering if I should just a week & save time for a trip to the USA? Or even Vancouver.

Anyway I don’t hear from Motocross all day & of course I’m away till Thursday night & then he’s away Thursday morning so we haven’t set a time to catch up next. I am busy with meetings with my colleague, I decide to go for a 5km run, which she says she brought her gym gear but doesn’t want to come with me, so I go, I need to let out some tension to be honest, stop overthinking about why he hasn’t messaged me, why I’ve had to be the one to message every time. My colleague & I go out for dinner & still nothing from him… I refuse to message, I refuse to be the one to message first, I have broken my rule so many times with this guy… I am sick of it… But also it’s ok – maybe I need to take a chill pill, I don’t want to just have a texting relationship like I had with Noodle. So I need to just relax, he left my house at midnight… it’s not even 24 hours!

#IBD4U

A shorter bonus post today, because this was supposed to be ready for Tuesday & my amazing guest blog today, however I wasn’t prepared! So here it is! The #BonusPost. Hence why if you notice the colour of the heart meme was wrong! Hahaha… No one probably notices, do you?!

On with the story : I go to sleep, semi disappointed to be honest but also, it’s ok, I mean I sleep better alone, this is moving fast, I am not sure I’m ready for full on sleepovers just yet. I’m not sure why Motocross hasn’t stayed over since the first time we had sex though, at least once. Of course my overthinking brain wonders why he hasn’t stayed, or why he doesn’t want to stay over? Especially when leaving here at 2:00 am. I mean I think possibly that he’s still married maybe, but she’s changed her name on Facebook so I don’t think so… he couldn’t just go home that late every night without arousing suspicion… What else could it be? Especially if he’s going to come over again tonight. How can he get away so much if he’s married or seeing someone else? It’s now Monday night – end of July, tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we met online.

I don’t hear from him all day which disappoints me too but then again I haven’t messaged him either, however you all know my dumb rule. As I’m leaving work I think I will message him as I am either going to skip going to Rope & see him or I will go to Rope. So I message him & ask if he’s still wants to come over. He says “Hey yeah I can come a bit later sure but if you’ve got plans all good though I can wait” What is that supposed to mean? Fuck, don’t over think it. “No I’m not doing anything, besides you… Will be home in about 20 mins so any time after 6.” I try to be cheeky, because I don’t want to be in a bad mood that he didn’t message & that he said he doesn’t have to see me, that he can wait. “Hahaha good answer. Yeah nice okay I’ll be there about 6:30ish” Lets think about this, 6:30 pm is early, like if he didn’t want to hang out with me, he’d say like 8:00 pm or something right?

I potter around doing some stuff at home waiting for him to come. 6:30 pm comes & goes. 6:45 pm comes & goes… I think this is unusual for Motocross, he’s always been so punctual. I keep looking at my phone wondering if I should message him, I didn’t reply with a yeah come on over at 6:30 pm, I just thought it was implied… Fuck, should I message? Where is he…? I am sitting on the couch thinking, fuck I broke my rule of drinking alone & he’s about to bail on me! Or maybe he is waiting for me to message to say come on over? When at 6:55 pm, I see his face pop up on my watch, I quickly look at the message, holding my breath for the I’m not coming bullshit excuses “Hey I’ll be there real soon.” Phew… Something has obviously come up, he’s not even 30 minutes late at this point… & to be fair, he did say ish. I reply that it’s all good & I’ll see him soon & I relax.

He knocks on the door just after 7:00 pm & I am reminded of Noddy & how he just would walk in & say hey as he walked in without me having to get up off the couch, then he’d bee line it for me to give me a kiss hello, so familiar & so much more like a boyfriend. Motocross knocks on the door, waits for me to answer & then walks in without kissing me on the cheek even. Is it weird at this point? I mean the man has had an intimate bath with me among other intimate acts, basically invited me to Vancouver for a holiday with him (& admit that you’re all planning that trip in your head too, I am not alone here!) & is hanging out with me on very regular basis – surely he would just knock & enter then kiss me hello as he walks in the door?!

Anyway he doesn’t want a drink, which is just a beer, he’s not a big drinker & I’m starting to think that he thinks I’m an alcoholic, every time he’s over, I have a couple of beers or a glass of wine, he has said something about my drinking too, I forget what now but I know it made me feel self-conscious – knowing he doesn’t drink a lot due to training. I am so careful with my drinking, as I’m not sure that I’ve told you this but I come from a long line of alcoholics, so I made a rule a long time ago when I started drinking a lot after I moved back from Canada & moved back into my house I owned with Boyfriend, that was being rented out, that I would never drink alone & I pretty much follow that rule all the time since then, only once or twice I have broken that rule. I don’t need to drink but when I have company, I will have a couple of drinks.

We watch fucking Sharknado 3. Like really…. It’s laughable at this point! But also hilarious that I have to watch them all. Motocross falls asleep on my couch so I wake him up by moving around a lot when the movie had finished, he had picked the stupid movie… We barely watched number 2 because we ended up having sex. Now, we sort of sit looking at each other, I’m unable to make a move, but then I sort of lean forward & kiss him on the couch. We have the same sex in my bedroom as we’ve had every time & again – it’s good, I’m not complaining, however this guy really doesn’t know much about foreplay. He touches my clit though my pants (but that doesn’t count, cos it’s not really getting into your clit to be honest) & he dry humps me when we’re kissing but there isn’t a lot of foreplay, we both get ourselves undressed in my bedroom & he’s on top sliding his dick in, which is lucky that I’m wet enough for him to do so. When we have sex again & me on top, I don’t know about you ladies, but I’ve heard this before from men, so I don’t know what you are all doing, but he says that he likes that I grab his cock to guide him in… WTF?! Do other women not do this? I’ve heard this from more than one man, so what do women do when on top or when the man is on top, I always grab their cock & guide it in, or sometimes they’re just poking around your leg trying to find your hole & it’s awkward. So I just eliminate this awkwardness & guide their cock in. However when Motocross says he likes it, I don’t know why it makes me wonder what other women do when a dude is about to slip his dick in? The only time I don’t help is when I’m tied up, I even try to help when they’re coming in from behind, especially when they aren’t the type to hold their cock to slide it in… Am I alone with this? I must be a minority being that a few men have said it to me. Hahaha… Let me know if you do it too!

Anyway, he gets up about 11:30 pm & goes home, suggesting tomorrow night. Tomorrow night will be 2 weeks since we met online, this is also the third night in a row that he’ll see me, but yet he’s not staying over?! I don’t really ask this time as I don’t want him to have to make an excuse. I know he gets up super early for training, so it’s ok, I don’t want to be woken up at stupid o’clock to him leaving my house. So maybe it’s better him not staying over? Maybe it’s too early for that stuff?

#IBD4U

So I decide that I will look so casual & relaxed, with my legs crossed on the edge & leaning back, playing with my phone when he gets here. Cool, sexy & relaxed. Perfect. I get a message that isn’t from Motocross, but I have to sit up to write back because this isn’t a texting position, when I see him appear quietly at the bathroom door out of the corner of my eye – he’s looking at me & I jump like a fucking lunatic & almost drop my phone in the bath! FUCK… So smooth! So perfect….Fuck. I couldn’t have been more fucking unprepared for that entry if I tried… FUCKING HELL! He laughs as he leans on the door frame, like a jerk – he’s pulled off the casual, relaxed, sexy look, so fucking well, while I do not look at all like I was planning, I’m now sloshing around like a whale, trying to get myself straight & back in the water with a sucked in gut. FUCK. How didn’t I hear his car pull up or him come in the front door? Fuck.

He stands at the door talking to me looking so cool – cool as a cucumber, calm & collected for a few minutes, in that moment I hate him & I hate that I have no bubbles! He stands there for a long time, just chit chatting that it gets a little weird, so I ask if he’s going to get in – because otherwise I should probably get out, he says yeah & walks into my bedroom to get undressed. I try to pull off the casual relaxed #IBD4U look I was going for when he got here & I fail miserably, yet again! I look dishevelled, flustered & like a fish out of water. I should give up! FFS. What a fucking hilarious disaster.

I don’t think Motocross done this bath thing before either, because he walks back into the bathroom, naked, but being modest… Not covering his dick with his hand, but it’s sort of somehow hidden away, not tucked away – it’s not between his legs, but I don’t really look either, so he doesn’t feel weird about getting into the bath with me. What is it about seeing the man you’re fucking (but not in a relationship with) in the nude, when it’s not about having sex? After sex, it’s ok. Before sex it’s fine, but when you’re not having sex, why does it feel weird, when it’s not leading to sex. This isn’t about sex… But this is the most intimate thing I have ever done with someone I’m not in a relationship with. It’s so fucking intimate.

I move aside in the bath to bring my legs up, he steps in the bath & sits down – I allow him to stretch out his legs & settle in but we do not touch! Literally do not touch! He doesn’t rest his hand on my legs or brush my leg with his leg… Bahaha… Looking back I think now how hilarious that is & how pathetic we are but when I was in the moment, it seems fucking weird to touch him since he didn’t touch me. I am still flustered about looking like a wanker when he got here, I almost dropped my phone in the bath FFS, that I’m not really with it now.

We chat easily about the race, about his weekend away, I ask about the press stuff & he also mentions that he was listening to a similar playlist before the race to get him in the zone – he picks a more obscure song in my playlist & starts singing it quietly. I smirk at him singing… He also says that he was in a rural town somewhere in NSW & that the track was too fast (whatever that means) & everyone kept crashing so the hospital couldn’t cope so they shut down the race, he says that he won the race though & walked away with $17k for winning… Errr WTF?! Why did he tell me that? It makes me uncomfortable to know that he just made that much & I can’t help but think that he’s not offered to pay for more being he clearly earns more than me! Hahaha. – I’m not like that at all, calm down, it was a joke!

Oddly, I also notice something about Motocross that I haven’t ever noticed before now, as he talks, he has a slight stutter. Why haven’t I noticed that before with him? We’ve been on plenty of dates & talked lots? I know his spelling & grammar are terrible, but I haven’t noticed a stutter before. Has he relaxed around me enough to not be conscious of it? Or is he more nervoice because we’re in the bath together? Or is it because he’s talking about something he’s really passionate about? I’m asking more racing questions than I have before, being this is the first time he’s raced since we’ve known each other… I don’t know, but I actually really like it… It’s makes him somehow a little bit more attractive to me, cuter, more vulnerable or something.

Now, I talk about all sorts of topics here… I don’t hold anything back as you know, sex, kink, anal, rimming – whatever the topic, I cover it – I am not shy about writing anything here for you. I tell you everything basically… Even if it’s embarrassing… Well it’s only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing… But I’m trying to make topics I cover less embarrassing. I’ve talked about farts before – mainly during rimming, but everyone farts every day, right… Well have you ever been in a bath with a guy you’ve just started seeing – probably not after 10 days but this is going at warp speed – & just enjoying the night, but your tummy keeps groaning for you to pop one out?! FUCK… So I can’t fart discreetly in a fucking god damn bath! Especially a bath with no fucking bubbles… FUCK… There is no discreet way to fart on a date, in a bath. Normally I would walk into the other room & get a drink or something… Hahaha… Of course as fate would have it, I haven’t farted at all in the bath the whole evening while alone – trying to get into a casual relaxed position, but now that Motocross is in the bath with me, my guts is not going to let this one go. I squirm around trying to hold it in – which always makes it worse & it comes back with a vengeance, making my tummy growl, which also sounds like a fart. I even do the unthinkable & touch his legs! I know right?! So risque. I must be squirming a lot because he asks if I’m ok, I just say that I’m getting cold & my back is starting to hurt, perhaps we should get out. He agrees, phew. It’s been about 45 minutes after all…

As the water is making so much noise going down the plug – those gurgling sounds & we’re getting dry, he leaves the bathroom in his towel to find his clothes & I can finally let my little fart out! Carefully of course to not make noise, then I wave my towel around in case there is a lingering smell… Hahaha… But we all good, Motocross notices nothing! We really cover the hot topics here at #IBD4U! So sexy. Also so you know, because we’d actually talked about baths together in the future while in this bath, I buy nice bubble bath & have it in the cupboard for future use. I will not have this happen again!

I meet him in my bedroom, naked, I kind of parade around thinking we might have sex now, but he’s getting dressed as I then put on my pjs – shorts & a top – he puts back on his tracksuit type outfit. We sit on my bed & I say I want some food. He suggests that we order something to be delivered, I agree & we go through uber eats for somewhere to eat. I feel like the hot dog again from the place I took him the day after the first night he slept over. He orders something different & I order mine, looking for my card to pay, when he pulls out his credit card & hands it over it me. I notice that it’s an Australian credit card, he must notice me looking at it because he says that his mum organised it for him before he got home – knowing he was going to be racing here & winning Australian dollars (he’s so confident about winning!). I do notice his name on the card – as I have to type it into the app as well, it’s the name he gave me, he’s not lied about that.

As we’re sitting there talking he starts playing with his phone, apologising saying that he just has to reply to some important emails. I don’t think anything of it, but just sit there organising dinner as we chat.

He talks about holiday we should go on – yes he’s talking about a fucking holiday with me, oddly he suggests Vancouver. I haven’t told him I lived in Canada, I mention it now of course, but I haven’t said that I have wanted to go there or anything… The reason why this is strange for me, is that his, whatever she is, wife or ex-wife lives there, according to my Facebook stalking. This isn’t the right time to bring her up or dig into his life, we talk about places we’ve travelled & where we want to go. As we wait for the dinner to be delivered, we go into the lounge room, I was thinking we’d stay in my bedroom, have dinner in bed but he suggests we go to the lounge room & so we do, I don’t think to suggest to watch tv in bed. We pick a movie, well he picks a movie, something again about racing cars or bikes & we watch that while eating dinner on the couch.

At the end of the movie, he makes a move, kissing me & we go into my bedroom again to have sex. The sex is the same as it is again, starting off with him on top shortly after kissing me, then me on all fours from behind, then once we’re done, we’ll have sex again, I suck his cock & then ride him. We don’t cuddle heaps after sex, but I don’t feel used by him. We lay around chatting, we do touch after we’ve had sex, it’s not so weird. We lay around for hours chatting naked in bed, having sex again, he talks about how much he likes my pillows – they’re new & cost me like $100 each! He’s at my house till 2:00 am, when I say something about going to sleep but he says that he needs to go so he gets up & gets dressed. As he’s leaving, at the door, he asks what I’m doing tomorrow night – well tonight & says that he’ll come over again tonight… Why doesn’t he just stay over?

#IBD4U

Fucking hell, I can’t stop giggling thinking about the things Motocross says to me. I also can’t even believe we are on blog 10 & we’re only 10 days into this thing – 5 face to face dates in & we’re kind of exclusive already… How bloody invested are we all?! I know I am, but you all are too! Don’t deny it. Hahaha.

I get home from my long drive from Mt Gambier & reply “Good, cos this is how I am! Um, so I don’t mean to be rude & all because while you do have quite a large cock, it’s not quite the size of my bicycle… Nor is it difficult to get out of my car… I do prefer to ride your cock to my bike though! Awww, so you’re not going to sign anything for me?” I am oddly disappointed, why do I want this guy to sign me something? I guess his kept his name tag with my surname on it, I’ve kept mine too now because I’m some sort of idiot… So maybe him signing something for me will be like my little momento?!

FUCK!!!! Expiry people, expiry! For all I know this guy is able to separate the whole not fucking other people & going back to the USA, unlike me who is now overthinking this into a full blown relationship where I am going to move to the USA with him! OMG… CALM THE FUCK DOWN… Why do I get so attached? Do other people?! (I mean some of you must because you’re all addicted to this story already!)

He replies “haha good stay that way. Oh wow not rude fair point tho. Happy you prefer it over your bike looking forward to Sunday night then. Hahaha alright will work something out just for you” Awww, how sweet, he’s going to sign something for me! I tell him that I’ve been this way for almost 38 years, so won’t be changing any time soon. I also see the fucking snail as I pull into the driveway & say “Frank, the spider, masquerading as a snail said hey Motocross, as I got home today too” Fucking hell, I milk a joke for as long as I can! Hahaha. I tell him that I definitely prefer his cock to my bike as a bike seat just hurts my ass & that I’m looking forward to Sunday too. I then say “Oh really! Since you took my last name, I think it’s only fair you give me something, Mr Famous!” He says that it’s funny as that the snail remembered his name. He says that he’s not complaining & will try not to hurt my ass & since I asked nicely he’ll give me something.

I tell him “Yeah, he remembered you saving his life from me wanting to kill it…! I don’t mind my ass getting hurt a bit, just not by a bicycle seat! Yipee, I’m excited…! Something signed by Motocross #IBD4U Last Name, just for me!” I write his name as it was on the name tag, how hilarious seeing his name as my own… He doesn’t write back & I go about my evening now… It’s Friday night, he’s probably out at press stuff or having dinner with the other riders or something… Let’s just hope I haven’t scared him with my last name stuff… I mean I do want to get married some day, however the chances of that at 38 are getting slimmer & slimmer. However, I don’t want a guy to freak out thinking that’s all I want.

A couple of hours later, I am sitting inside by the heater, not having a rocking Friday night to be honest when I see a teeny tiny snail on my shoe! How fucking funny! I take a photo & send to Motocross saying “OMG Frank Jr was just on my shoe! (Weirdly inside after driving home)” Yeah how did a snail get on my fucking shoe?! He replies that it was just waiting for it’s mate.

I tell him about my irrational fear of spiders, even of pictures on my phone & stuff, how I sleep with a can of fly spray next to my bed after once there was a huntsman at the door of my bedroom & I couldn’t run past it – plus I have a can in the car after there were 2 huntsman’s in it in a week. I tell him that I am a weirdo! He doesn’t reply, it is almost 10:30 pm which would be 11:00pm for him in NSW, I am tired from the drive & I fall asleep, pretty content to be honest. I wish he was here, or I was where he is, but I am pretty happy… Fuck.

You know how things happen quickly for some people & they are engaged within a few months or whatever? Maybe that’s going to be like that for us, maybe not the engagement but the relationship happening fast? Or maybe I just need to hold up a bit & calm down… I mean it’s been 10 days!

The next day I go to the gym & don’t hear from him, it’s Saturday so he’s probably doing all the press stuff & bike store visit or whatever he said he had to do while away for racing. It’s almost 1:00 pm in the day when I finally hear back from him “Aww haha I promise there be no spider jokes you Shaw come well prepared with the fly spray tho. Lol weirdo nah maybe semi” I seriously love this guy’s spelling… Shaw = sure. He’s super cute, or really fucking annoying!? I bet it’s one of those things I find super cute now & in like a years’ time I will hate & want to strangle him for?! Hahaha… OMG – stop planning ahead so much!

I reply a couple of hours later “Yeah dude, if you want to live, do not send me spider related anything… I’m insane when it comes to that… Lucky I’m normal everywhere else in my life! How’s the press stuff going today?” He doesn’t write back till 9:30 pm, when I am out for a drink with a friend (remember being able to go out for drinks with friends… SIGH! Remember this is all end of July 2019.) “Alright just cause I wanna live for a bit longer. Glade your normal everywhere else. Yeah press day was good thanks feeling good for tomorrow now thanks. How was your day recovered from all your driving yet.” I write back saying that I want him to live a bit longer too & I don’t want to end up in jail. I wish him well for the race & tell him in order what I did for the day. But I don’t get a reply, it its 10:30 pm my time, so in NSW it’s 11:00 pm, I’m assuming he’s asleep again. I don’t think much of it & expect that he’ll text in the morning.

I wake up late to no message from Motocross & go about my whole day with nothing. Fuck, why does that upset me so much? I guess because it’s now Sunday, he was going to come over tonight. He hasn’t bailed on any plans yet, but you know what, this is my life after all so he’s probably going to bail on me. I go about my day, feeling hopeful but deflated. Oh no, why do I now think this is over because he hasn’t messaged me today? I could message him? & say what? I figure that he’s up early raced all day, not had his phone on him. He’ll message when he gets back to Adelaide?! If not, I’ll have a cry & forget the fucker!

My family aren’t coming over tonight, so I think I’ll have a bath. He’s mentioned last time we were together that he’ll be back in Adelaide around 8:00 pm, so I will just wait a bit longer to write him off! OMG, I have a problem! Hahaha.

I run a bath & as soon as I settle into it & just try to relax, I put something on the computer to watch & just zone out, with my phone next to me as always. I’m not even in the bath 2 minutes, when I see his little profile picture pop up on my watch & his name with a message “Hey I’m home well just landed actually what you up to” FUCK. I sit bolt upright, smiling like an idiot & write back. “I thought you weren’t home till later? I just got home myself & jumped in the bath…’ Why did I say that? Why did I say it like that too?! So accusatory! Must be because I’m sad he didn’t message all day. I mean he was fucking racing, get a grip – he’s messaged you now & asking what you’re doing. “Yeah correct racing got called off early track was to fast and too rough hospital couldn’t cope. Oh yeah nice well enjoy and I’ll see ya a bit later if you wAnt” Oh shit, now he thinks I don’t want to see him… “Well you can either join me in the bath or I can get out. I haven’t eaten yet either, assuming you haven’t…” I’m annoyed I’m in the bath to be honest… FUCK – I don’t want to waste the water… I guess I’ll see if he’s a bath man or not?! “Oh yeah bath sounds good . Nah not eating yet” Shit, I’ve only ever done this with two other men, I bathed a few times with Boyfriend when we had spas in a hotel but never just a bath like I had with Noodle… Max sort of climbed in my bath once but we didn’t really bath together… This is very intimate. Fuck… I jump out of the bath, unlock the front door, pack away the computer, put on some music & get back into the bath with my heart racing. “Alright, well I just unlocked the door, so you can let yourself in, if that’s ok? I’ll just relax…!” Shit, is this really happening?! “Alright done see you soon” FUCK! Yep it is…

Ok, so I’ll hear his car pull up, because it’s loud, I assume he’ll go to his parents’ house or will he just come here? I don’t know but fuck, now what do I do? I agonise over the play list for a while, making sure I’m listening to something I like but something he’ll like & then I just think who gives a fuck, I’m listening to heaps of Papa Roach & Linkin Park so just put on that type of list – if he doesn’t like it, then whatever.

Then as I sit in the bath to relax, I start freaking out… Like a fucking wanker trying to work out the best position that will stop me from looking so fat when he gets here. I don’t use bubble bath – fuck I curse that I don’t have bubbles right now. I hate bubbles, but right now, I want fucking bubbles. Baths aren’t flattering, I can’t suck in, I can’t hide my gut overhang (that I am so self-conscious of – when a guys is fucking you, they don’t notice your flaws but this isn’t about sex, this is just a bath! My flaws are exposed. So exposed.) So I’m trying out every possible position, I’ve got my legs out, my legs back in, I’m in a ball, I’m stretched out. FUCK my fat gut!!! He’s seen your fat gut #IBD4U, get over yourself, he’s fucked you naked, quite a few times now. He’s pretty much touched every inch of your body (except your clit)… He knows what you look like, if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t keep fucking you nor would he have suggested coming over for a bath. Would he?

#IBD4U

The next morning I am up at 4:00 am. I am not sure why I don’t text Motocross, I guess I’m hoping that he’ll wake up & say something sweet about having a safe drive to Mt Gambier being he gets up at 5:00 am for a bicycle ride according to him. I go to my meeting & by lunchtime, I still haven’t heard from him. I am tired as fuck. Having only gotten 4 hours sleep last night, which was totally worth it – The sex isn’t epic, but it’s good & definitely worth staying up for, but I am struggling already. I check into the hotel early having done the only thing I was here to do, I try to nap because I can barely keep my eyes open, I have some computer work to do but that can be done at any time really but now while I can I’m going to get into my gym clothes to go for a run around the blue lake, I always do that here, trying to beat my times.

I notice that I have hit 2741 steps on my watch & all I have done is sit in the car & go to a meeting, where I sat the entire time then then to the hotel. I sort of laugh being that Motocross & I talked about my step counter counting steps that I didn’t do. I send him a picture of my watch & say “Sat on my ass for 5 hours & got 2741 steps. #Winning. Have a safe flight today” He writes back shortly after “Haha that’s ridged actual. Yeah thanks good drive was it. You feeling tired” As there are no question marks, I can only assume that he’s trying to keep the conversation going by asking me questions, if he’s not, then too bad I am going to answer them anyway. “Yeah it’s fucked… I hit my 5000 steps last night when we were having sex apparently!? I’m in bed in the hotel, tried to nap but couldn’t. Gonna go for a run now the suns out then do some more work” I can almost tell then that he is going to reply with something cheeky. “Haha seriously wow had you working pretty hard last night then. Oh yeah okay well enjoy your run hope you beat your time then” I had told him that I try to beat my time every time I’m down here. He’s never been to the south east & did mention that he’d like to come one time, but obviously he’s flying to NSW today so he wasn’t able to come & I mean this trip was not planned, otherwise I would’ve driving up yesterday (which is what my boss wanted me to do at night, but I talked her into letting me drive up in the morning when it was light & not dusk with kangaroos – mainly because my vagina wanted sex, but also driving in the morning would be safer than driving at night!)

“Yeah, I’d done like 3000 steps when you got there, by the time you left, I’d hit 5000… I didn’t walk that much! Definitely got a workout though. Thanks gotta drag my ass out of bed first.” I almost can’t be bothered, I’d rather chat to him “Haha was a good workout tho correct, your welcome well if I was there your ass would definitely be staying in bed” with a poking out tongue winky face emoji. Oooh, I won’t deny that that that turns me on a little & I wish he was there, I’ve always had the little fantasy of having someone on a work trip with me. “#True. Was worth being fucking tired AF today… Hahaha, yeah don’t think I’d get out of bed if you were here either… This room has a spa too, might have one when I get back” Sometimes I get spa rooms at this hotel but it’s not like it’s an updated hotel. “Hahaha definitely always worth being fucking tired af. Nope we’d definitely be staying in bed. Oooh wow that’s a fancy room, you’ve got then enjoy wish I was there.” Fuck I wish he was here too… Fuck where did that thought come from… I send him a picture of the spa, because it’s a beige colour & it’s ancient “Definitely not fancy! Dinosaurs walked the earth when this spa was installed! We probably should’ve skipped the movie & just had sex. I’m in my gym gear but procrastinating about going out to the lake.” I don’t get a reply straight away that I finally get in the car & go out to the Blue Lake to run around it. I sort of hate when men do that, they don’t reply when I am going to be the one to not reply to their last message!

I go for a run around the Lake about 2:15 pm, I do it in pretty much the same time as last time I was here, so I am happy with that. Considering how little sleep I’ve had, I’m surprised that I did it in the same time as last trip down here.

I get a response from him at almost 6:00 pm, assuming that he’s been on his flight to NSW “Ooh nah #True not fancy. Haha correct I think so. Hmmm yeah true we should’ve well Sunday night if your family doesn’t come over or your not busy we have to make up for lost time. Sooo how’d the procrastinating go any movement towards the lake” I love that he can’t spell simple things but was able to write procrastinating. I can’t help but smirk & swoon when I get a message from him… Fucking hell! I must remember that this is expiration dating, this guy is going to be nothing more than just a FWB of sorts, I must not get attached… But after a fucking week & a few days, I am attached!

I send him a picture of my legs in the bath – just a cheeky teaser, in the ancient spa “Was lots of space for someone to join me! My family leaves before 8 every Sunday, so I’ll be free by the time you get back… I went for a run, same time as before so not too disappointed in that. How was the flight? How’s your throat btw?” He sends me a reply about an hour & a half later, but I am already asleep – yes at 7:30 pm, I am asleep! “Hmmm that view. Teasing isn’t nice young lady. Oh yeah okay I’ll be cumin around then. Oh yeah nice work same time is better longer good effort. Yeah flight was good thanks had the row to myself which was good. Throats getting better thanks. Hope your enjoying your night” Oh, he called me young lady! Hahaha, I am actual 4 years older than him.

He uses a lot of emojis in his texts, that I don’t always explain, I use a lot more with him that I think I have ever used in my life too! But it’s that cheeky banter, that fun type of messaging that is intoxicating… I actually hate messaging this much because I know I get caught up in it & it won’t last like this forever. But at least this guy is seeing me as well as messaging me a lot. I guess in the future if we’re apart a lot, we’ll need to message, so it’s kind of good that we’ve got that part right.

The next morning I reply to him, saying that teasing is fun, that I have to send pictures while away for work so he doesn’t forget me. I tell him that my family aren’t coming over at all on Sunday so he can come over as soon as he’s back. I dribble on about having the row to your self & his sore throat. I tell him that I am going to go for another run around the lake before I come home & to be honest, because I know he’ll ask or I’ll tell him later, I actually push myself a little harder so I am faster to be able to say that I beat my last time. I do beat yesterdays time by one minute. He writes back by the time I am back, showered & on the road home again.

“Oh yeah it’s heaps of fun.” With a head smacking emoji “Hahaha I’ve not forgotten who you Are silly. Oh yeah okay nice I’ll be straight over when I get back. Yeah a good feeling to stretch out on a plane for sure. Yeah it’s getting better thanks. Yeah awesome good luck beating your time then what time you leaving mt gambier today” I almost want to pull over & read it & reply, but I think that I need to make him wait, but I also need to wait too! I mean I can’t just text him back immediately all the time. When I do pull over for my toilet stop, I read it straight away but go do what I need to do before replying. “It’s fun for me! Look forward to Sunday night. I beat yesterdays time by a minute this morning but it wasn’t a PB. But I haven’t been running much lately so not surprised. Need to get out & do more. I left at 8:30, just in Keith atm. When do you race?” I get on the road, thinking he’ll take a while to reply but he writes back straight away. I can only read the pop up on my phone for a second & on half on my watch as I can’t touch that either probably when driving… Who knows. But when doing 110kms, you need to concentrate! “Haha of course it’s fun for you. Yeah me too. Oh yeah nice one well done that good you beat it tho. Oh yeah okays that’s a good drive then I race on Sunday press day tomorrow tho” I know that he’s competitive, obviously as a motocross/supercross racer & crusty demon, that he’ll appreciate the fact that I beat yesterdays time by one minute.

I write back “You don’t call me a cheeky shit for nothing” & that I was going to ride my bike but couldn’t be bothered getting it out of the car. I also ask what the hell a full day of press entails. “hahaha #correct I don’t it for nothing. Awww laziness much. So today I’ve got too meet and greets at the local bike shops sign some stuff and get some photos done. Press day tomorrow is ride the track and do interviews with the media.” It’s literally all one sentence that I read it a couple of times to understand what he’s even written to me. “I can’t help it… hahahaha. Will always be cheeky! You don’t understand what a fucking hassle it is to get back in the car… I still exercised. Ooooh are you gonna sign something for me Mr Famous?” I smile thinking about wanting him to sign something for me! “Haha I’m not complaining tho I do like it. Naah no idea but I bet id ask you to pull my dick out and ride it bet that’s not a hassle. Haha settle never said I was famous”

As I am even writing this blog – reading our texts again, I am giggling & smirking at the banter, I hope you are too – it’s not usually my style to write all the text messages out verbatim so much like this, but it’s so cheeky, it’s so fun that I can’t help but giggle… Maybe it’s just me, but I hope that you are giggling too!

#IBD4U