Motocross #14

Out at dinner with my colleague & other participants, when I get a message from Motocross finally “Hey how was drive good hotel I hope” I can’t really reply because I’m working, I see it on my watch, so have to wait till I’m back in the hotel about 30 minutes later. “Hey, just got back to the hotel after a work dinner where I ate my weight in carbs… Kinda waste of time going for a run along the river before dinner. Hahaha… Drive was alright – boring & have to do it again tomorrow. Hotel is the usual shitty place. How was your day?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #IBD4U. Did he ask for your fucking life story?! I wait a while, with droopy eyes for his reply, but it doesn’t come so I fall asleep. I wake up early for breakfast with my colleague & we do what we have to do before he actually replies to me, mid afternoon when I am driving home – so I don’t get to read it or reply till later. It’s longer than what I can see on my watch so at least that’s positive… I don’t feel so stupid.

I get home & my friend is there still from KI & I need to go to the gym then dinner with her, so I don’t get time to write back to him. I read it though “Hey sorry bout the late reply. How’d the run go did you do it again. Ooh hopefully your drives more exciting on the way home then unlucky bout your hotel then me day was good thanks just in qld now obviously enjoying the weather up here” Well at least I got a long message back, now I don’t feel like such a dick! Hahaha.

I don’t write back till almost 8:00 pm “That’s ok, I was driving home. Went straight to the gym then dinner with my friend. Run was alright yesterday, my gps jipped me though on how many kms I did… Wish I was in qld. It’s fucking cold as fuck here…!” Just so you know, it’s the 1st August, in the timeline… We’re now in August! I feel like I’m catching up, am I catching up?

He writes back “Oh yeah okay gee busy day then. How was dinner where’d you go. Oh you think you did more kms then your gps said. Yeah I bet you would be nice so your home now I’m guessing” Even though he barely uses punctuation, he is asking questions, he seems like he wants the conversation to keep going. I tell him that I went back to the pub I met him at but we didn’t sit outside this time. I tell him that I did four exact same laps & each one was a different length, so I’m not sure why my GPS fucked up. I say that I’m sitting in front of the heater with my friend watching TV & hanging for my own bed & ask him how his hotel is. I don’t get a reply. At all. I go to bed not thinking much of it, it’s about 9:00 pm where he is, he’s probably asleep? I go the entire next day without a reply too. WTF? I did ask a question to keep the conversation going. He didn’t reply.

My friend has gone back to KI, so I’m home alone overthinking, when I think fuck it, just message the guy! It’s almost 9:00 pm my time on Friday night when I just say “Hey how was you day?” a no pressure message. He writes back almost instantly. “Hey you yeah me day was good thanks pressday dismorring and an autograph singing in the arvo plus we hit up the go karts. How was your day tired of driving yet” I can’t even type out that message without giggling! I ask if he’s signed anything for me yet & tell him that I was in the office all day so was pretty boring day – I’m not sure why work thought it was more important than on the trip with my colleague, but anyway. He says that he hasn’t signed anything for me but he will & says at least I can relax now. I write back “Hahaha… Sign my ass! Yeah just got home & in bed… Got a busy weekend, bootcamp & dinner with gym people tomorrow” His replies come quickly “Haha oh gawd your funny sure. Oh yeah okay jealous I’m not there tho. Oh wow okay defs a busy weekend for ya I’m sure you’ll enjoy it nice where’s your dinner at” I am giggling as I write back “Hahah… you say you like it, so why not sign it? Yeah sucks you’re away… definelty lots of space in bed & a shardnado that hasn’t been watched yet… I think dinner is back at the same pub we met at” he’s told me several times he likes my ass, I do like my butt TBH. Again, his message comes very quickly “Hahaha nah I’m not saying it like that. Yeeeah I’m sorry lol Sharknado someone’s keen been thinking about it ay. Oh yeah nice sounds good” I reply with a sleepy smile “Then you can take a picture so I can see it! Carry my ass around with you! OMG. I’ve blocked sharkando from my memory till now… I refuse to spend the $6 on it” His reply takes a lot longer this time, that I fall asleep… I wake up to his reply that came 30 mins later “haha okay deal not complaining bout carrying your ass around… Really you actually blocked it haha of course you would refuse I would too” I go to the gym & reply after I’ve eaten breakfast “Sorry, fell asleep then woke up late for bootcamp this morning… But made it at least & now I’m fucked. You can look at my ass any time you like if you have it in your phone. I paid for the last 2 Sharknados, YouTube are going to think I’m a fucking weirdo” I go about my day, knowing that he’s racing & probably won’t have his phone.

I go out for dinner & I can’t help myself but keep wishing for him to message & me to see it on my watch. The message never comes… The next day, the same. Nothing… My mind goes to weird places, what if he has crashed? What if he’s in hospital? What if something happened? Should I text again in case his dad has his phone or something?! Should I just give the guy a break, he did say in his messages that he wanted to be in bed with me & carry my ass around in his phone. He’s clearly still keen on me. Nothing could have changed that much in a couple of texts. I can’t help but think the worst!

By Sunday evening after my family have been & gone, I am in the bath, thinking about Motocross in the bath with me. There is still no message from him. I can’t help myself but I look at my dating app, I honestly haven’t looked at it since Writer suggested that I suspend the account. I look at Motocrosses account & it says that he updated his profile a certain number of days ago, but it also says that he’s like 2000+ kms away or something… I realise two things, at least he’s not lying about being away but then that means he’s actually logged on to the account for the kms to update. But I also notice that the day he updated his account – which was him adding his snapchat account details to his profile, was the same day he came over & had a bath with me… Was it before or after we had the bath & he invited me to Vancouver?! Fuck I feel like an idiot… I keep my account hidden, I am never going to date again if this doesn’t work out!

Monday comes & he doesn’t message me either… All day & I get nothing. It does my head in so I send him a text at 8:40 pm “Hey, how’d the weekend go?” I never get a reply… WTF has happened here?! Is he ok? I am starting to get worried… Last message I got from him ws 10:00 pm Friday night, it’s now Monday night & nothing… Fuck? Tuesday morning, I wake up & am so unsure about what has happened here… But of course I think of nothing else… WTF…

Motocross what the fuck

I am lost at what has happened here… I am looking through my phone & look at whatsapp randomly. When I see Motocross has an account with his Australian phone number – thank you whatsapp for the ‘last seen’ time stamp because it says that he was last seen recently (I forget the exact time) Right…? So what the fuck does that mean!? Is he ignoring me on purpose?!

“Hey Motocross,

So I just saw you have whatsapp & noticed you’ve been online. So I’m not sure if you didn’t get my text or aren’t replying on purpose.

I hope it’s not the latter because I’ve liked hanging out with you, was looking forward to seeing you race & you told me you aren’t seeing anyone else plus we haven’t been using condoms…

Anyway, hope the weekend went well. I was worried you got injured when you didn’t reply or want to see me yesterday…

Hope to hear from you soon

#IBD4U”

Looking back on that message, I seem like a fucking skitzo, like I mean, I imply that because we aren’t using condoms, he has to write back to me?! Jesus… It’s so full on now when I read back on it. Also we’d talked about me going to watch him race & he’d also talked about teaching me to ride a motorbike – saying “we’ll get you going”. But the other good thing about whatsapp is you can see when they’ve read your message – so I’ll see when he reads it & if he ignores it, then I’ll have my answer. It also says when you’re online so I need to stay off there too while I await a reply. What the fuck has actual happened here?! What changed his mind so easily? & while I know it was only really two weeks, we talked almost every day – in fact, I think we did talk everyday up until this weekend, we had 8 dates – not just sex dates either, we’ve been out together, we’ve been intimate more than sex, he met 2 of my friends, we had a good time… While it was only a short time, I still think I deserve more than being ghosted completely here… I deserve an explanation, so while I am cringing at that message now many months later, I actually stand by it. What the fuck happened here & why isn’t he messaging me!? If he is cheating on someone with me, without me knowing, it’s odd that he’s been able to get away for as long & as late as he has… What excuse would he use?

URGH this is doing my head in…

#IBD4U

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