I call in sick on Monday because I just can’t face people asking me how my weekend was. It seemed childish but I knew I couldn’t face people today, especially since they didn’t even know I was seeing someone, some close colleagues suspected since I was always whispering with Sophie.
I lie in bed in a ball most of the day, wearing his clothes, which still smell like him, trying to cry, my tear ducts won’t obey me. They remain out of action & I just feel like I need a good cry to be able to put this behind me. There is no feeling inside me beside emptiness, my tear ducts know it, my heart knows it… I am just a hollow shell.
I torture myself by continually looking at my phone, willing Fleaz to text me, I look at his contact picture that I took of him a few weeks ago while he was sleeping to replace the driving picture I took the first weekend, he looked so peaceful & devastatingly handsome, his blonde hair dishevelled from fucking me, his arm was above his head, his skin smooth with no worry lines, his dark tan from working outdoors, everything about him was sexy. I can’t bring myself to delete the photo or his number.
When I don’t hear from Fleaz, I am not surprised. I compose several texts to him to ask how he is… to apologise… to see if he wants to apologise… I really just want to see if he’ll respond, but I delete them all, I wonder if he’s doing the same thing. Probably not! I jump every time my phone make a noise, even when it’s my email tone, I pick up my phone wearily hoping that it is from him, willing it to be him, it won’t be from him! But I secretly hope it is. It’s Sophie, she’s the first to text wondering where I was when I didn’t show up for work.
S: Are u ok sweets? Why aren’t u at work?
K: Great Aussie sick day, need to clear my head!
S: What happened?
K: Nothing, don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow! 🙂
S: Just fucking tell me! I loved Sophie directness, it was what we both like most about each other. I knew she would understand, I knew she wouldn’t judge but just saying or texting the words to someone would make it real
K: I ended things with Fleaz!
I had taken to referring to him as his disgusting nickname ‘Fleaz’ in the hope that it would help me get over him, with a nickname like that, he could only be bad news. It wasn’t helping but I just couldn’t bear to say his name.
S: WHAT? R u serious?
K: I was in too deep, he wouldn’t swim with me so I got in a life raft & floated away. I cringed as I hit send, her texts came quickly
S: U r fucking hilarious!
S: Wanna chat?
S: I’m so sorry BTW. That’s shit.
S: I wuv u!
K: Nah, I just need to lie in bed all day. Thanks Soph, serves me right for getting involved with another loser!
S: Call me if u wanna chat!
K: Should have known better with a name like Fleaz!
S: LOL. Mwah xoxo
K: Mwah xxx I really just wanted to lie in bed for the rest of my life & do nothing, not face anything, just forget there was a Fleaz.
When I finally make myself get up & shower, I am just going through the motions. I am not really with it, I remember this feeling from when Dominic & I broke up, however my tear ducts were overactive then, I cried at everything, now I still can’t even get a single tear to slide out. I drink copious amounts of alcohol, watch sad movies, romantic comedies, watch YouTube videos of soldiers coming home to their pets & new babies they haven’t met, I feel like I have listened to every sad song that I could think of & still no tears. What is wrong with me? Sophie says it’s because she thinks it’s not the end, but we both know that is a lie. That was the end & I am devastated, more so now that I was when Dominic & I broke up. How can that be right? Dominic & I went out for three years, it only took a few weeks to be more in love with Fleaz that I had been with anyone before. Why didn’t I fight harder for him? Why didn’t he fight harder for me?
I walk around in a complete daze for the next week, everyone at work keeps asking what is wrong, of course only Sophie knew about Fleaz so I took the easy road & just said I still wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t tell them I had fallen for an unavailable guy, who told me from that the beginning, but sent me mixed signals & then I ended things abruptly when I realised that I was in love with him. What a joke my life has become!
I’d only ever loved two men, one left me for no apparent reason until I actually found out later that he rekindled an old friendship & had left me for her. The second, not unlike the first, couldn’t commit & had no idea what he wanted. In my 20s I didn’t see it coming with Dominic, I mean he was my first boyfriend, attractive, older & he wanted me, plain old boring me! Even my aunty said to us, supposedly as a joke, that he was out of my league. In my 30s I should have known better with a guy like Fleaz, I should have read the signs better, I should have just stayed away from the ship wreck that I knew it would turn out to be. Why was I so desperate for a boyfriend that I kept going after emotionally unavailable men? I mean, Fleaz even told me from the beginning, it wasn’t like I should be blindsided like I was with all the others who claim to want a relationship only to screw you over in a few weeks.
My anthem became an old Avril Lavigne song that was hidden on her first CD ‘Why’, but it wasn’t making me feel any better, in fact listening to the lyrics just made me more depressed but somehow that felt like what I needed, maybe that would help me cry. I couldn’t imagine Fleaz sitting around listing to sappy songs & thinking about what he could have done to change the outcome of what happened between us, I bet he’s already moved on to the next girl. He didn’t love you so of course he has!
There is no way to stop myself thinking about him, as much as I try & forget about him, to stop thinking of his looks… his smell… his touch… his kiss… Stop it!
A week later & with no word from Fleaz, I had to stay strong & not text or call him. It took everything I had not to pick up my phone & just send a random text, maybe I could send something & pretend it wasn’t meant for him. I laughed at myself for even toying with the idea of doing something so childish. I had walked out with a very good reason, I had ended it, it had been my decision, and maybe he’s waiting for you to call! I really need to stop that stupid thought process, he was not waiting for me to call. I distract myself by texting other friends just to stop myself from sending the saved text I had composed for Fleaz
K: Hi, it’s Kristie. Just thought I send a text & see how you are? Hope your well. Like a loser, I almost hit send so many times, but what is the point, what is he going to write back to that lame excuse for a text. My overthinking usually gets me into trouble & I have a habit of misreading every situation that I’m in, I usually dream up some romantic comedy scenario & then reality sets in & usually it’s just me sitting on the couch daydreaming! I pictured Fleaz reading my text & rushing to my front door or other scenario is him calling me immediately after reading it to say how much he missed me, was glad I text him & he finally was able to tell me that loved me. The reality would probably be Fleaz ignoring it, which would be even worse than if he texted back simply: Fuck off!
I needed a distraction, I needed something to stop from me over thinking & dreaming up these absolutely stupid never-going-to-happen scenarios. So when my friend Kyle who I’d known for years & fooled around with a few times years ago, but I never felt anything for, found out I was ‘single’ again he started texting, calling & facebooking incessantly, I couldn’t help but encourage the contact as the distraction I needed so much.
Kyle is the perfect guy on paper, he always tells me how much he likes me, anytime I am down he picks me up by telling me how gorgeous he thinks I am but for some reason I have never felt the ‘spark’ with him, even after we fooled around, which was my way of seeing if there where chemistry there. I hated myself for it, how much easier my life would be if I felt something for him. I had always kept him at an arm’s length because I didn’t want to be like all those guys that had stuffed me around & I didn’t want to do that to him, but the selfish side of me kept him around, dangling the carrot just so I wasn’t reminded that I was alone & Fleaz was moving on.
Kyle was exactly what I needed, a nice distraction but I felt like a bitch every time I texted him, every time I answered a Facebook message & I felt even worse when he asked me to go to him work function with him, I knew his feelings for me were more than mine for him. He denied it but I felt it, there was no way a man would be that persistent if they didn’t have feelings for someone. Stupidly as I had nothing to do & since it was a Saturday night, I agreed to go with Kylie, I had a new party dress that I hadn’t worn so I figured that I should catch up with him properly since he’d been asking me to catch up since before I started seeing Fleaz.
As I get ready for the party my thoughts automatically float to Fleaz, it’s been two weeks since I last saw him & I hadn’t heard from him at all. But I still imagine that I am going to his work party, I pretend that he is here with me while I am getting ready, he is sexy in a rented tux, he comes up behind me as I put my makeup on, zipping up my white cocktail dress for me, his hands brushing my naked back unnecessarily as he pulls up the zipper, it sends a shiver through my whole body, I would turn around to face him & we would lock eyes before he bent down to kiss me… softly, his hands stroking my bare arms… Stop it!
Kyle has hired a limo with some other work people, he picks me up at my house, he hands me a flower corsage & kisses my cheek, you are going straight to hell Kristie! I’ve only ever been in a limo for my school formal so I feel like royalty but with this oversized corsage on my wrist, I do feel like I am back in high school. I didn’t even know that people still wore corsages, but when I get in the limo & see two other women wearing similar flower arrangements, I realise the guys either organised it or I am so starved for romance that I don’t even see it! Champagne is popped immediately & I down half my glass, I will need some alcohol to make myself feel better about coming to this with Kyle. I hope he doesn’t expect to hook up with me tonight!
We arrive at the party, there is a red carpet type set up & when the driver opens the door for us, there are a few people dancing around outside like they are paparazzi. Kyle leads me inside with his hand on the middle of my back, I don’t feel the same electricity as I didn’t when Fleaz used to lead me around with his hand there.
Inside the hall is decked out with tables with glamorous decorations and dinning settings, this is a major party. Not at all what I was expecting, it is as elaborate as a wedding, over 10 tables, people everywhere, a dance floor & band set up
“Drinks?” Kyle asks & I nod. Yes I need more alcohol for this!
“Sav Blanc please” I smile as Kyle walks off to get us a drink
Work parties are always mundane, even more mundane when they aren’t your work party & worse when you don’t know anyone at all. Kyle is networking with people, I just walk around beside him, he introduces me to everyone and I play the part of the supportive date, making niceties with other girlfriends/wives who are just as bored as me. I down another wine, it seems to be the only way I can get through this night. As I stand quietly next to Kyle, who is talking to his male colleague who’s partner isn’t with him for me to make small talk with, suddenly I feel all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as I slowly turn around, searching the crowd, my eyes flicking around the room trying to find the source, I feel something & my heartbeat quickens when I lock eyes with him. I stop breathing, my tummy does a somersault, what the fuck is he doing here?