He looks as sexy as ever, as I knew he would, in a black tuxedo, his hair in its usual disarray state that I wonder if he’s even brushed it. He’s standing with two other men who are talking across him, he’s pretending to listen, without taking his eyes off me, he smiles & lifts his beer glass in a cheers gesture. I cannot move but I cannot tear my eyes away from him, has it really only been two weeks since I last saw him? I remember the fight that ended our arrangement, when he told me to stop loving him. My heart constricts in my chest & I know I am still in love with the man capturing my attention. He doesn’t love you back though Callan!
Kyle interrupts my interlude with him, I break eye contact trying turn my attention to Kyle & give him a smile, he puts his hand on my lower back, something He used to do, Don’t start with that! Kyle leads me to another group of people
“Are you ok?” he leans in to whisper in my ear
“I’m fine, I just have to go to the bathroom” Coward!
“Hurry back” He winks & I scurry off to find the bathroom. What is Fleaz doing here? I don’t know if I can stay here in the same room as him, there is so much unfinished business, I haven’t even told Kyle about him at all. Maybe you should fake a tummy ache, but I know Kyle would rush me home & take care of me, I can’t do that to him, this is his night I just have to get a grip, I will just ignore him & if he comes to talk to me, I will just make an excuse about getting a drink or going to the toilet & just avoid him all night. I dab my face & neck with water, it has the effect I needed, refreshing me, I take a deep breath & pull the bathroom door open, I freeze with the green piercing gaze starting back at me
“Hello Kristie” his deep voice more sensual than I remember, he’s leaning against the wall, exactly like he did that first night in the bar, tonight in the tuxedo he looks even sexier, I’ve never seen him in a tuxedo before. His smell is still intoxicating a mixture of his aftershave Le Male & himself, it makes me instantly wet. I want to hug him, I want to kiss his lips, I want him to fuck me right here in the hallway, my body is already responding to him. I try to shake those thoughts & remain impassive.
“What are you doing here?” My voice is icy, it surprises me because I feel anything but icy, I feel hot & bothered immediately when He is this close to me.
“This is my work function, what are you doing here?” he quips, I try to walk off but much like that night in the bar he blocks my path with his arm “Is that your boyfriend out there?” his hand reaches my wrist & lifts my arm with the corsage on it, he eyes it suspiciously. It embarrasses me as he looks at the ridiculous flowers tied to my wrist, I snatch my hand away taking the stupid thing off & look at the arrangement so carefully put together, that I now am humiliated by
“What? I snap, trying to pass again but he blocks the way, it’s a bit premature to call Kyle my boyfriend, he has been persistent for a while, but I never felt anything for him, he asked if I could come to this work function with him & I had just said yes, I don’t think Kyle will ever be my boyfriend but I don’t want to make that declaration to Fleaz. Does he really think I have moved on that quickly?
“Do you love him?” Whatthefuck!
“That’s none of your fucking business” I know I don’t love Kyle, but I could, one day… maybe, the thought pangs me, I know I am still in love with this gorgeous man in front of me, making me hot & wet just by looking at me. He leans in closer to my face, my breath automatically increases, I hate myself for reacting this way with someone who told me to stop loving him only two weeks ago & now I have someone perfect who I feel like I am cheating on just by reacting to his presence
“You look so beautiful”
“Don’t” I whisper, he holds my gaze, his hand runs down my cheek, a shiver runs down my spine, one single touch turns me on more than anything Kyle has said or done to me ever. I loathe myself.
“I miss you” he whispers & I crack at his revelation, a tear slides down my cheek, so now my tear ducts decide to work! He wipes the tear away carefully, dropping his hand to my hip “I know you still feel something for me Kristie” he paused staring deep into my eyes “I can feel it” he is so close to my face, I feel his breath on my cheeks, I feel like he is going to kiss me. I lick my lips instinctively & hate myself for it immediately.
“I was never the problem” I snap, he chuckles bowing his head briefly, closing his eyes as if he knew I would say something like that
“Meet me for coffee tomorrow” I hesitate, can I meet him for coffee? Get sucked back in? “Please, I promise I’ll explain everything” he drops his arm from the wall, I see Kyle standing out of earshot, but his glare intent. Fuck! Fleaz follows my stare & sees Kyle, “Tomorrow then?” I nod, he smiles, bending down to kiss me on the cheek, time stands still as I know Kyle is watching & I am pressed up against a wall. He smiles again before he walks back to the party, nodding at Kyle as he walks past hime. Shit, why did I agree to meet him? Kyle approaches me carefully
“I came to make you sure you were alright, who was that?”
“No one” I pause hating myself for what I am about to say & do “Kyle I’m not feeling well, I’m going to go home.”
“I’ll come with you”
“No it’s ok, I want you to stay & network. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I’ll walk you out.” He tries to give me $20 for the taxi home. He is so sweet that I really hate myself as I give him a pathetic peck on the cheek as I jump in the taxi. What are you doing Kristie? I wish I knew.
My phone beeping several times, jolts me from my stare, lucky I haven’t had to give directions to the driver, I look at my phone with trepidation, I don’t want it to be Kyle but I know that it’s unlikely to be Fleaz, but when I see the name, shit he’s still saved in my phone as Fuck Buddy! His sexy sleeping photo pops up too, my breath hitches, what does he want?
FB: You are the most gorgeous woman in the room x
I can’t stop staring at the text, he is dragging me back in already. This is not a good idea! That’s what I said last time. The second text is from Kyle
K: Hope you feel better, let me know when you get home safe xoxo
I throw my head back in the taxi, I feel like I’m the biggest bitch on the planet, stringing Kyle along like other guys have done to me, but my heart… I can’t deny the feeling in my heart. I can’t rely on Fleaz but I can’t lead on Kyle. This is why I had decided not to date anymore, I can’t take this bullshit, I don’t know what the right thing is & I may never know. Do you follow your heart or your head?
I walk in my front door kicking off my high heels at the door, I undo my dress & step out of it up the hallway, letting it fall on the floor where it slips off, I flop onto my bed crying. I’m not really sure why I’m crying, maybe because you haven’t cried at all in the last two weeks? I know what I have to do, it’s kind of a relief that my tears are flowing, I feel like it’s lifting a weight of my shoulders. I don’t know what Fleaz wants to tell me, I don’t know if I can start things up with him again, but I know that until I am over this thing with Fleaz, I can’t keep leading Kyle on, the worst past is, I am doing to Kyle what so many guys have done to feel & I feel terrible.
K: I am home & in bed, talk to you later.
K: Wish I was there, night babe xoxo
I start crying again, he is the sweetest guy, but I don’t feel attracted to him at all, I just have to let him know that it’ll never happen between us & that I am still in love with someone else Honesty is the best way. I hate that I am intrigued with what Fleaz has to tell me though, I can’t help but think what a stupid idiot I am being for even considering meeting with him, but without even thinking, I coldly reply to him
K: Meet me at Coffee Club @ 2pm.
FB: Did you leave?
FB: Why? Your boyfriend is still here. Why didn’t that prick take you home?
K: He’s not a prick & he’s not my boyfriend.
I put my phone down & head straight for the shower, I need to do something to take my mind off this whole day. As I’m dressing in my standard stolen pyjamas, Fleaz’ Fresh Jive T shirt & Diesel boxer briefs, there is a knock at my front door. I groan, I told Kyle I would talk to him tomorrow, I go to the door angrily not wanting to deal with this now
“Is he really not your boyfriend?” Fleaz’ face is pained as he stands there with his bowtie undone, the top button of his shirt is open & it’s half untucked, his hand in one pocket, his other hand leaning on my front door, looking sexy as hell, he looks me up & down, his face breaks into a huge smile “I wondered what happened to those” talking about his stolen clothes, I pull at the hem of the shirt, blushing. He steps a foot in my door, I can’t believe he is here, I can’t move, he grabs my face, pushing me back against the wall, he kicks the door shut, his hips pin me to the wall, I am panting already, his effect of me is intense, he is inches from my face, I can feel his is hard “Is he your boyfriend or not Kristie?” His tone is forceful
“No, he’s not”
“Thank fuck for that” he says breathily as his lips crush mine, he kisses me in a long passionate kiss, our tongues lapping at each other’s mouths, the kiss leaves me breathless when he finally pulls away “I wanted to do that as soon as I saw you tonight at the party, but when I saw you with him, I thought I’d really lost you” His thumb caresses my cheek “Have I lost you Kristie?” I take a deep breath Has he lost me? I still love him but I can’t live with the crappy relationship he can offer me, I want more, so much more.
“I meant what I said but you won’t give me what I need.”
“What if I can?” I break free of his hold & walk into the lounge room, I play with my loose hair nervously
“I don’t know if you can do that.”
“I can… I want to…” He takes a deep breath, looking at his feet “I need too Kristie, I can’t lose you.” I sit on the couch, extending my arm for him to sit next to me.
“Ok, I’m listening, what is it that you have to tell me?” Indicating he needs to tell me why he says he can’t be my boyfriend, why he can only offer me a half arsed relationship.
He takes off his tux jacket & puts it on the coat hook, he comes over to the couch, he isn’t sure if he wants to sit or not. He runs his fingers through his hair, he looks like he’s in pain, I desperately want to hug him to comfort him, but I must remain strong. He has to tell me what is so wrong with him that he can’t commit & I really need to hear that he loves me. I was in a relationship for 3 years & Dominic never said it to me, I have never really recovered from that, since then I haven’t really had a real relationship, I am starting to think I am unlovable. If Fleaz is willing to fight for me & doesn’t want to lose me, I need some reassurance. He paces the room, looking for the right words, I sit patiently, just wishing he would start, can it really be that bad?