During my dating seriously for 2021, to be honest, it’s not going that great. Lameroo was a  waste of time, Engineer s has been chatting to me for ages & we’ve not caught up so I am starting to just hate chatting to new people, so I just keep chatting to him. He seems ok & has also done some work on himself with NLP – I think perhaps this is a guy that I could get a deeper connection with perhaps.

But I am always hoping that one of these guys could be the right guy, the guy to change my dating life. They aren’t going to change my whole  life because I don’t need a man to change me, I just want a partner to share my life with.

I chat to this guy for weeks, he works away & when he’s home, he has his 3 young kids. I always saw kids in my life, I just never pictured myself having them – so this doesn’t put me off even though he asks me about it & if I am ok with it.

I don’t remember what I wear on this date, I know I felt good & was excited for this date… after the previous date with Lameroo, I am confident that this date will be better – I mean nothing can be worse that that date?!

On the date with Engineer, it’s nice, we’re sitting there talking comfortably & it’s easy. The bar tender walks around saying last drinks & I remember feeling a little disappointed that this date will end, when the conversation is flowing that well, it’s rare. He’s making a lot of eye contact & shifting closer in his seat – I think he’s interested in me too…

A huge group of people walk in to the bar & order drinks, so Engineer asks if I want another & he goes up to pay for another drink… As he sits down, he sits a lot closer & I start to relax into the date even more, opening up & talking, seeing that he is actively interested in me. I don’t pick up on this vibe very often – I’m sure it’s happened before while on a date but I’ve not noticed it because I’m always waiting for them to ghost me. This feels a little different. I don’t get the vibe this guy will dick me around… He’s obviously interested, he’s buying drinks, moving close, wanting to stay longer. Even though the bar tender called last drinks before we got our second drink, we’re now on our third, sitting chatting & having a great time.

Finally the bar tender comes around again saying last drinks, which we make a joke with him about & he says definitely last drinks, which we laugh at but I think that we both know the night is coming to a close…

As the date draws to a close, we go outside, remember it’s winter so it’s freezing, he walks me to my car & I start the awkwardly before I lean in to kiss him goodbye which he turns & catches my kiss on the cheek with his mouth & we lock. The kiss is good. More than good… He kisses well & makes me feel – I don’t know – but like I might kiss this boy again, not something I again think before the first kiss is over.

He pulls back & says “I could kiss you forever” I swoon over his words & kiss him more deeply, smiling to myself, he doesn’t ask me to come home with him & he doesn’t ask if he can come home with me, nor do I offer, however when we part ways, I feel confident & excited where this could lead. For the first time ever (I think) I sort of expect the message before I go to bed telling me what a wonderful time he had. When I fall asleep still waiting, I think perhaps he doesn’t want to see too keen so I try not to think too much of it.

The next day while talking to J-Lo about it, I say that I don’t like to message first because I need to know that they like me or are interested in me, when J-Lo tells me that he thinks that maybe Engineer is thinking the same & that’s why he won’t write to me? Well the same thing was true of Noodle. So before I go to bed, I decide to message just to ask how his day was. Ages later I get a reply saying he was busy & had a busy day. He goes on to say that he had a great time with me last night but he doesn’t want to persue anything further with me. I laugh because apparently this is a joke, which I ask him if it is & he says no. He thinks I am great but he doesn’t see a future with me. I could say a lot worse but I say that he shouldn’t have said to me that he could kiss me forever if that wasn’t true but he says that it is true, he could kiss me forever but he doesn’t see a future with me. Seriously what the fuck.

Anyway another one bites the dust… I don’t know what happened here, I wasn’t in love with the guy but again I would’ve have had another date or two & see if the chemistry built… I mean I can’t say that he was just looking for sex, because he didn’t ask. So I have no idea what this guys deal was…

Now that my intuition is fucking me over, which used to always be 100% spot on – if I trusted it-  I think it’s time to be done with dating, right?!


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