Conner is snoring beside me, when I wake up stiff, I am still on my stomach with my arms outreached, I try to move & it hurts, I’ve laid in this position too long & now I’m stiff. As I wince trying to roll over, Conner wakes up too.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m alright, I just don’t normally sleep like that.” I start rubbing my arms but Conner takes over, his fingers working out the knots & stiffness easily. “Thanks” His hands skim to my breasts tweaking my nipples awakening my senses “Hmmm” his lips find my neck as his hand slides between my legs, I’m already wet, so his fingers slip in easily, they circulate the moisture around before he is on top of me, his cock filling me quickly & swiftly, he lays inside me still for a few moments, his lips kissing my neck softly, then he begins to move with force, we are coming together within a few thrusts
“Jesus Kristie, I can’t get enough of you” I giggle “Are you sore?”
“I’m getting used to your big cock” he laughs
“You know it is”
“It likes to hear it every now & again” I burst out laughing
“Does it really?” I laugh at his playfulness, I laugh at how easy such an intimate conversation is, I laugh at how stupid I am for getting involved, I feel myself being pulled deeper & deeper by the second & I know I will end up drowning. I roll away from him trying to distance myself
“Hey, where did you go?” he’s talking about my headspace. I roll back & kiss him hard & deep, I need to remind myself what this is, just sex. He pulls away not fooled “What is it?” I have to lie
“Just thinking I should get home” he pulls me in tighter
“Not yet” I sigh pulling away from him
“I really should go” I throw the covers back, sitting on the edge of the bed looking for something to cover me, he slides over on his stomach & kisses my leg, he looks in the distance not wanting to look at me, he sighs
“This is new for me Kristie” he says quietly “I didn’t lie when I said I don’t date, I am not boyfriend material, but this thing, with us…” he stops talking & looks at me “I don’t know what it is, but I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.” I melt, stupidly! I lay back on the bed & Conner engulfs me, his body hard & heavy, he consumes me as he kisses me, he pins my hands above my head entering me slowly at first but building faster as I come hard around him, his release coming shortly after mine. How am I ever going to get out of this alive?
Later we’re sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch I feel brave, but I am not really sure I want to hear Conner’s answers, but I have to ask, I have to know what the deal is with Conner, I’m now in my 30’s, I am not just looking for fun, I am not necessarily looking for a marriage proposal but I am looking for a partner & for someone to love me. I think I could love this man & I believe he could love me, but I look intently at my lunch taking a deep breath before I ask Conner the questions that could end up ending this relationship
“Why do you think you aren’t boyfriend material?” He sighs as if he knew it was coming & knows he has to answer me
“I just know I can’t be what you want” That’s not an answer!
“How do you know?”
“I just know”
“That’s insightful” I snap, he huffs at me
“I’m fucked up Kristie, you don’t want me as your boyfriend” He says quietly standing & taking his plate to the sink, “We need to keep things as they are.”
“I don’t even know where things are Conner, you’re hot & cold all the time, how is anyone supposed to be happy with that?”
“Am I?” He turns to look at me, genuinely surprised
“Yes, one minute you hold my hand while we’re out then next you won’t even look or talk to me”
“Well that’s who I am Kristie. I never promised hearts & flowers” I look down at my empty plate
“I know” He looks over at me from the kitchen sink
“Are you still ok with that?” I pause for the longest time, I don’t know if I am ok with that. Can I be ok with that? He smiles at me as I look up at him, in my head I know I need to say ‘no’ but as I look at him with his sexy school boy dimpled smile I hear myself say ‘yes’
“Really?” he strides over to me so easily, looking at me intently, I try to say ‘No, I am not ok with it’ but as he sweeps me up into his arms, I lose my words again & nuzzle his neck. I feel tears welling in my eyes but I can’t let him see them “This is usually when the girl leaves, normally I don’t care, but I cannot lose you Kristie.” I sob escapes my mouth, I try to hide it with a cough “Hey, why are you crying?” I try to compose myself discreetly
“I’m not crying, I’m ok, really.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re ok if you’re not, it’s not going to work if you aren’t honest with yourself” I stare at him in silence for a while, I keep telling myself I don’t want to date & he is the perfect guy who doesn’t want to date either, I just have to stick to my plan
“Really I’m ok, I don’t date, you aren’t boyfriend material, it’s…” I almost say perfect, but don’t want him to think that I mean perfect relationship, he finishes for me
“…a match made in heaven?” he laughs, squeezing me tight, I cannot speak anymore, I know my voice will give me away. I turn to Conner pulling his face into kiss me, it’s the only way I know how to connect with him & feel like we’re on the same page. He responds of course, kissing me back, passionately, I lift his shirt off which urges me to stand with him, I pull him, as we kiss, to his bedroom, I need to erase this conversation with the thing that we do best, but I can feel that this is the end, I think he can feel it too, it feels like the last fuck. The passion between us is different than usual, it is thick & hot, I am turned on but somehow my mind is trying to savour every moment, knowing this will never happen with Conner again. It’s slow, sweet & tender, we make love missionary style while Conner leans on his elbows above me, we don’t lose eye contact with each other, the only noise in the house is our rapid breathing & moans, neither of us prompting the other to go harder or faster, we don’t need words now, we only need this connection between us. Our speed & force increase naturally, our breathing increases as we both strive to come together, we say each other’s names in a heated passion & Conner falls on top of me, nuzzling my neck. We lay there as our breathing slows, Conner still inside of me for the longest time, neither of us wants to move, it’s unspoken but we both know that once he pulls out of me, things will fall apart for us & this will be over.
At this point I figure that I have nothing else to lose, as we’re lying in his bed in our satisfied state, his fingers in my hair, I cannot get our earlier conversation out of my head & the way our love making just felt, I am realising more & more that I am falling in love with him, without even wanting to find a boyfriend, I found a guy who is emotionally unavailable & I start to fall in love with him, exactly why I didn’t want to date!
“I really need to know why you don’t date.” I ask, he shakes his head, pulling out of me & rolling away, lying on his back
“Why don’t you date?” he retorts
“Because I always end up hurt” he rolls towards me on his side
“And you think this” he wiggles his finger between us, signalling he’s talking about us “will be any different?”
“No, honestly I don’t.”
“Then why are you still here?”
“Moth to a flame” I say simply, he smiles sadly
“I don’t want to hurt you. That’s why I’ve been honest with you about what I can offer you.”
“So we will always just be fuck buddies” I snap, getting up out of bed, finding clothes that are strew around the bedroom
“You gave it that label Kristie, not me” he runs his fingers through his hair, then his fists hit the bed by his outreached legs “You are more than a fuck buddy… but this is it, this is how it’ll always be.”
“Why? I don’t fucking understand”
“You don’t need to know why, just know I want this with you, more than I’ve wanted anything but this is as ‘boyfriend’ as I get.” He sits up, looking at me with a pleading look that makes me want to stop getting dressed in a huff, this is not how I want to end things with Conner, Am I really ending things with Conner?
“Just tell me why, what is so bad that you can’t give me more?
“No” he bows his head
“For fuck sake Conner” I pull on his t shirt, raising my voice “You better print out another fucking rule book because clearly you’re the only one with one.”
“Just back off Kristie” he runs his fingers through his hair again “Fuck!” he shouts, swinging his legs out of bed facing to the wall, but he doesn’t get up.
“You’re going to end up alone if you don’t let someone in.” I whisper, he doesn’t turn around, I don’t expect him too.
“That’s the way it should be.” I walk to his bedroom door
“Wake up Conner, there’s someone right in front of you…” My stomach churns, I take a deep breath, it’s now or never “…someone who loves you.” He shakes his head, still not turning to face me
“Well, stop.” There’s a long pause as his words soak into my brain, I think I am waiting for him to take it back, he doesn’t correct himself, I snap.
“You’re such a fucking asshole!” I turn on my heel, grab my bag & walk out. I know he won’t follow me, but that doesn’t stop me from secretly wishing that he would the whole drive home. What is his problem? The tears well in my eyes, No I am not going to cry over a fuck buddy! Ha, if only that term were ever true for me, he didn’t want to label it, but I insisted & I end up alone again. I’m such an idiot, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle stringless fun with a guy I already had a crush on, I am getting what I deserve for not being smarter, I should have set a time frame, I should have… You shouldn’t have even started!