Inappropriate Photo

On a recent night where I have severe insomnia, I’m not chatting to anyone online. The internet at home is so shit that is barely runs Netflix… I haven’t been playing my stupid farm game, which I played everyday for over two years to distract me from talking to boys online… I am bored… I’ve studied this week a lot already, so I don’t want to get up & sit at my computer. It’s late. This dangerous… I feel myself thinking, ‘What are you doing?’ as I stupidly download a dating app…

As you know, if you’re a long time reader, I never usually announce the name of the dating apps I’ve used, but today, you’ll know. I was on it for a record time of about two hours, I usually delete them quickly but they last a few weeks. However, this is probably the quickest.

I start my dating app journey this night by filling in all the bullshit questions – age, height, smoking, drugs, drinking, work, school, say something about yourself, blah blah blah. Then you do the verification of your email who-ha & then verification of your profile, so you have to send a picture of you doing the pose they show you – such as putting your hand on your head.

I swear at this point, I’m already an hour into my whopping 2 hour stint on Badoo. (Whatever the fuck Badoo is!) But I press on, looking for cute photos of me to add to my profile. I always follow my advice that men should listen to & have a picture of my face & a picture of my body. Then there’s no surprises when they meet me & I’m not in a thin body like they expected from my expert-level cameraman skills.

I upload one of me at my recent birthday party, one with the dogs, one in a dress in my mirror & one of me in my car – while I’m at work about to go into a meeting, with sunglasses on. On the day that this was taken, I was wearing a black dress with a navy jacket/blazer and a pair of black Oakley sunnies. My hair is down & straight having just cut it all off up to my shoulders & a pair of Mimco studs in my ears. The background is my car & a little of the carpark I am in, the sun is shining… It’s a snapchat picture that I saved, that actually doesn’t have a filter (which in itself is also rare). I even captioned it “Corporate #IBD4U today.”

I finish off my profile & start looking at matches, 95% of profiles pictures include either a picture of him shirtless, shirtless in bed, shirtless at the beach, shirtless at the gym, shirtless in the bathroom (Some show nipples & areola, some don’t) or wearing sunnies in the car. There are even shirtless guys wearing sunnies! OMG Scandal!

There are the usual fish holding pictures, snow or water skiing pictures, the guy holding a beer – usually in a suit at a wedding (always unclear if he’s the groom or not), or a cigarette hanging out their mouth (so sexy – there should be more cancer sticks hanging out people’s mouth in photos!) Or even better when they have a beer & cigarette to show their real class & there is even a guy sticking his finger up at the camera.

A selection of the pictures above, there were many many many more! Why have you become a phsyco bitch #IBD4U & screenshotted peoples pictures you ask? Good question. It’s almost 2am & I am fucking mad!!

So I look at my profile after getting bored looking at all the foul hairy chests with nipples & men who look like they’d give Dahmer a run for his money, I notice that my picture in the car is gone. So I upload it again & go back to looking at people ‘close to me.’

Again with the boredom of the same pictures over & over from different men (I can only assume women’s profiles are all alike too, but I’ve never searched women so I can’t comment), I look to see my car picture is gone again. I don’t know how but I then upload it twice. I check. It’s there. Twice. A few seconds later I get a notification saying my picture is inappropriate… WTF!

Emojis for privacy purposes on the blog only

Enter phsyco bitch!

What the actual factual fucking fuck?!

So I look closer at my photo, it’s pretty tame right… I wonder if it’s my sunnies? Is it the snapchat caption – but another picture I put up has a snapchat caption & that survived this rigorous process. I don’t have a seatbelt on & the background is not blurred, you can see in my sunnies that I am holding the phone for a selfie so it it’s clear I’m not driving. What could I possibly be doing in this photo that breeched guidelines & is deemed inappropriate.

Surely not! I click on the picture in my photo album… Under the caption between the opening of the blazer is my boobs – shock, where else would they be… It can’t be that I have cleavage showing that it is deemed inappropriate? Fuck me sideways…

So now my one semester at law school kicks in… Enter Elle Woods! Where are the fucking Badoo photo guidelines?

What a crock of shit!!!!! Badoo guidelines say they allow self expression, a bathing suit only outdoors – apparently only for women as the man in the picture I saved is indoors, seemingly in bathers/shorts/underwear. Who the fuck is the sexist prick that wrote these… A women’s nipple or areola is out of the question but a man’s isn’t?!

I have definitely not breeched the guidelines in any way at all with cleavage! Of course, there is no real appeals process, just like Facebook, they can do whatever they like because they can. There is no email address, you can’t post on their social media as they have that switched off… I message them on FB messenger but I deleted my account before they can block me. Not that I’ll ever use Badoo again – but it’s the principle!!

Adding insult to injury, they sent me an email asking if I really want to leave… Yes, you misogynistic fucking app, I do want to leave & If I wasn’t off all dating apps already, I sure as hell would delete it all now.

Honestly who would have thought that after all my years of online dating, all my years of getting unsolicited dick pics, would I be the one that breeches any sort of antiquated photo guidelines? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be in this position…

Now I use my form of self expression, just like Badoo encourage & tell all of you about my 2 hour experience of being overtired & pissed off that we live in such a sexist world where a breast created for infant feeding is inappropriate but a useless male nipple is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention the guy flipping the bird, perfectly acceptable. But shut down the cleavage!