September 2025 – The End of v2.0
12 September 2025 – Today is 200 days since Affair 3 V2.0 started. Let’s recap, because I did not ask for this, I didn’t ask for Phoenix to change the dynamic. But he did, in a big way. If I am honest with myself, this lasted a lot longer than I expected – even though I never wanted it to end, I am surprised he took so long to pull back in this way & I’m surprised I allowed myself to be involved in this for so long, being treated so poorly. In usual Phoenix fashion, he significantly changed at the six month mark, right after my birthday – like he was waiting for that milestone to pass because he couldn’t do it before that, so he plodded along & after my birthday, bam he was out like lightening. But really, it was around the time I said we were boyfriend & girlfriend that this went awry, like he couldn’t handle it & just dwindled off from there, slowly dying, slowing making me fall out of love with him a little bit everytime he treated me like an option…
In September Phoenix has seen me once, because I went to his house to get my keys back – which I am kicking myself that I didn’t get them back now. I never ask for him to come see me anymore because when I do, he always has an excuse, I barely even ask him to come to my house to meet me, so when I stupidly mention on the phone, that he could come to meet me in the city for lunch & his response is how far it is & that he has to find parking, petrol (before the petrol crisis!) blah blah blah, that I say don’t worry. Is that the words of a boyfriend who said only a few months ago that he wanted to see me as much as he could? Is that the words of a man that when I said taking this new job would change things for us & he replied, ‘we will make it work’? Is that even the words of a best friend? Hell they’re not even the words of a fuck buddy. This man is not even a fuck buddy. Well, you have to have sex to be fuck buddies… So really, we’re just occasional chat buddies with an occasional hook up. We are nothing.
He barely texts anymore. When he started this he’d message all morning, & come back online most nights, the nights started dwindling, I tried to pull back on the nights so I didn’t feel like shit when he didn’t come back online but he said he didn’t want that, but in the end he pushed me to say goodbye at 3:30pm every day when I go home from work. Now Phoenix is so tired in the mornings & all of a sudden he’s a zombie when he gets up that he won’t talk until after 9:00am, most days even later, with his very long & thought provoking message of ‘good morning’ which takes so much time to write. I honestly don’t know how he finds the time to fit that into his day anymore. I know he’s told me that he has to download the app, log in with two-factor authentication with an email, so it is a head fuck, I get that, however I just want to shout at him when he says that to me that ‘I didn’t ask for this!’ He chose to make this what it was, two-factor authentication or not! & if I’m not worth that, then it’s truly over for me. I stick around for sex… Whenever that may be.
Of course, the more I pull away, the more he pulls away saying he’s protecting himself… FROM WHAT??? His life won’t change, he has his family, his busy busy life, he just won’t have to put up with me & my apparent resting bitch face anymore. He barely sees, chats or talks to me so really, if he loses me now, nothing will change for him anyway… So what the fuck does he need protecting from? He doesn’t love me, this isn’t love. He loves a version of me that he made up in his head & that was about sex… No one & I mean no one can be this mean, even as a narcissist & someone without empathy, can’t be this mean. I am literally nothing to him. He doesn’t write more than half a dozen messages to me anymore in a whole day at work – you guessed it because work is now off the charts busy because of the store closing – IN FUCKING MARCH! It’s so busy because he has LMA, not because that store closed… & so he doesn’t want to take out his phone to message. I get he works at a supermarket, so he can’t just message every five seconds, but six messages in a eight hour shift… Yeah ok Phoenix.
I have been trying to be fun & jovial, because apparently I can’t show my true feelings when he treats me like an option but it hasn’t made any difference, he calls me at lunch without letting me know when he’s going to call, we chat, I keep it light, I try not to talk too much about work. I mean even when he asked about my adenomyosis – something that I think is causing me a lot of pain recently, & I was explaining it, he cut me off to talk about something else unrelated – I think about his Facebook page & you guessed it when I said something about him cutting me off, he blamed his undiagnosed ADHD. He never used to cut me off like that before when talking about something significant, especially something he didn’t know anything about. Usually, he’d be googling at the same time to research whatever we were talking about – the tummy tuck surgery is one example that comes to mind. He uses everything as an excuse as to why he’s a prick, no mate, you’re just a narcissistic prick. You don’t have anything wrong with you; you’ve taken my meds & felt no different.
We chat a little on this Friday about the #IBD4U movie casting again, nothing terribly exciting & we talk on the phone for his lunch break, as I said less & less minutes on the phone. He looks at a story of my 1.1kg jar of Biscoff but I’ve already said goodnight, I am not messaging when he messages later.
While I am sad about it, I no longer have a boyfriend & I don’t know if this can ever be repaired, I will continue the friendship part – if you can even call us friends at this point & I will just be available for the call but wont worry about the messages… It’ll be like when we used to message once every two-three weeks. He hasn’t been coming back online, he doesn’t tell me his schedule, so I start changing my clients back to earlier on a Saturday, I am not going to be visiting him at lunch for just his break & taking him food. While standing in the kitchen, making pinwheels waiting for him to reply, I finally get it. He doesn’t care about this, so why should I… I will no longer plan meals like I had been doing, making sure I had something tasty & healthy to take to him. That is how I show I love him, no matter if I rock up so fucking angry, I have a rocked up, I have brought food, warmed & wrapped in a tea towel to keep it warm on the drive, I bring cutlery, napkins, salt & pepper, a drink & a snack. Regardless of my resting bitch face, I do that & he can make me melt & he knows he can so easily with a few kind words, a touch or kiss but he chooses not to, leaving me wondering why I have been cooking for him, more than I do for myself so he can have a nice lunch & I get some time with my boyfriend. Also I have to have pre prepared meals because he’ll give me 20-30 minutes notice of his break & the drive is 20 minutes – that that’s not always his fault, just a fact, so if he can’t come to the city to see me for lunch because it’s too far & costs him money for parking, then my effort of going to see him with a fucking cooked, thought out, warmed up lunch is going to drop to the same level as him. 0%.
Another petal falls….
13 September 2025 – The next day he comes online telling me he’s not working on the weekend so he won’t be on much, that’s ok, at least he communicates it, I think the thing that upsets me about him finally communicating is that last night I made pinwheels for him for his lunch that I thought I would go to today… But no more. That was the last meal I will make for him.
I have no idea if he is just saying he’s not working so he doesn’t have to talk to me, or if he really isn’t working. I am not going to drive by to find out, does it matter at the point if he lies to me?! He’s lied to me this whole time telling me he wants to see me & chat to me when he really doesn’t… He asks a question about what I am doing this weekend, then never comes back online to read it, I send a snap to keep the streak going but it’s his turn again, it expires overnight & I feel like a twat!
I know I keep saying I am done, but then I keep trying, because I just fucking hold out hope we can go back to something that resembles a friendship.
14 September 2025 – Sunday he doesn’t come back online at all – not even to say hello!!! Are you fucking kidding me asshole??? Every time I open up his conversation on my phone says ‘something is wrong, please check back later.’ WHAT THE FUCK! It works on the computer so who knows what is going on. I think he’s clearly blocked me, that I considering sending him a text… But do you know what, what’s the point, he’s made it crystal clear what I mean to him…
It kills me & makes me want to cry – makes me want to howl actually but tears won’t come, that I finally take off the bracelet, the bracelet that means so much to me, so fucking much to me & put it neatly in the box. The skin on my wrist, burns where the bracelet imprinted on me, for so many months, it feels naked & exposed. I put the bracelet box in a box in the spare room with all my journals from when I was younger in it. I walk out of the room & turn off the light, shutting the door as a metaphor for our relationship… This is so sad. This is the saddest non-break-up I’ve ever had, considering we haven’t actually broken up. I no longer & haven’t for a while thought of him as my boyfriend & he clearly doesn’t even think of me as more than anything but a hole he sticks his dick in… This is sadder than affair one & two ending put together. I am so devastated, but tears won’t flow… The things we said in affair one & two were real, I am not disputing that, but both times we were holding back & all of affair three was just fuck buddy territory. This portion of affair three, that I call v2.0, Phoenix opened the flood gates by telling me how much he missed me, how much he didn’t realise he took me for granted, that he wanted to do special things for me that I meant so much to him, he dragged me in like a moth to a flame, I flew, but this time I was flying with him, blindly, freely, & the best part was that he was flying too. We were on the same page… Until he decided for whatever reason – I’m sure I’ll find out in a few months, that he couldn’t fly with me & why he let me continue to fly, without him, that I flew into the flame & I got burnt. This time I got burnt really bad. This is beyond cruel what he has done to me over the last eight years – what I have allowed him to do. He had no reason to make this more than what it was, buying flowers, jewellery, taking me on dates, messaging me all day & night to dwindling off at nights, to pulling back on the effort for dates, to pulling back in the morning chats, to no longer even seeing me for sex, to barely chatting at all, until he has backed off to not message me at all. I stop looking at his stupid FB page because then I’d know he’s up but not messaging me, I just can’t keep doing that shit to myself. I already know it, I don’t need to confirm it every fucking day.
I was in this.
All in this.
He has told me before that when he is criticised, which he thinks is what I am doing by getting upset when he’s pulling away from me, that he will pull away more, but all I am trying to do is understand why, have some open dialogue about it, show him some emotion that I care, that he matters to me – too much to lose, that I am upset. It’s clear that I cannot show him any feelings. I cannot be myself, he only likes the version of me that he has in his head – a porn star. Or the chick who gave him every fantasy he wanted, expect for one – one that she didn’t know was his fantasy…
The funny thing about what he thinks it criticism, is what his wife does to him long before he was married, always putting him down or making fun of his interests. I have literally been his number one supporter since I met him, telling him to go for everything he wants, when he was made redundant, when he talks about his Facebook page, because I know he can do it, she has put down his hobbies, probably other things too that I can’t think of, but he listens to her when she pumps him up. Does he listen to me? Nope, never…
He says he’s so busy now right, well firstly his wife had just started Wegovy back when he started chatting to me & said now, she’s lost 10kgs or more probably she’s not a ‘fat fuck’ as he called her to me so she’s more energetic – aka fucking him more. He’s not busier than he was, he’s just got her back involved in his life & he used me to fill the lonely void, to feel loved & wanted, stupidly I fell for it a third fucking time. Why wasn’t I stronger? Why didn’t I say no, why didn’t I say to him over & over ‘don’t get close to me!!’
Later that morning, Dad & I are going out, Dad is driving & I see her car up ahead, well a car like hers. I look at the number plate & I am pretty sure it’s her car. Yep, we drive right by each other! Phoenix is driving, she’s a passenger, I don’t see either of the kids well, but he has a light smile on his face & I start shaking, feeling so hurt that he’s not come online & living his life like I don’t exist. How the fuck does that shit happen? I send a message, not even sure if it’ll send or not, “Did you think about me as you just drove past my old work? Even with your family in the car??” We drive past each other right outside the shopping centre that I used to work next too, that we met for so many lunch dates – where he fingered me in the broad daylight in the carpark, because my snapchat is being weird, I have no clue if it sent or if he got it or if he’ll reply.
15 September 2025 – Over the weekend, as I mentioned earlier, something happened to my snapchat, not only did he not come online yesterday at all, but it then comes up with an error when I open our chat.
My drive into work today is full of thoughts of going to just rock up at his house after 12:00pm & just get my key, like I should have done almost two weeks about when I saw him last. I don’t know how many more times he can show me he doesn’t love me before I finally snap, right? You’re all thinking it. I feel like I keep putting in effort thinking that things will be better, & they are, until the weekend when he & his wife both have it off & I somehow have gone from being in his mind to not even on his radar to say hello to. If this is love, I don’t want it. I would rather just go back to how we were with him saying ‘don’t get close to me.’
He obviously didn’t like what he got when he started treating me like shit again, me standing up for myself, asking why & getting the busy response every day wears you down. But I ask myself this, if I am out of it, on the other side, why am I still ok to be his fuck buddy? Because that worked? Can you go back to being fuck buddies after what we’ve just been through?
I am so fucking terribly sad.
Falling Apart from Papa Roach is literally my anthem now, his love was a fire that I burned in, I was in the ashes, but now I fall apart so I can be set free….
I’ll follow you out of the dark
I tried it my way, but I keep falling apart
All that I see, is the wickedness around me
I refuse to believe, the apocalypse inside of me
I can’t even trust myself
I’m burning in my skin
Standing at the gates of hell, but nobody will let me in
I’ll follow you out of the dark
I tried it my way, but I keep falling apart
I’ll follow you, with all of my heart
I’m tired of my ways ’cause I keep falling, I’m falling apart
I stand here again
Forsaken in a place
That feels like I can never win
I’m reaching for a saving grace
I can’t even trust no one
I need to rise above
I don’t think I’m good enough
To feel your perfect love
I’ll follow you out of the dark
I tried it my way, but I keep falling apart
I’ll follow you, with all of my heart
I’m tired of my ways ’cause I keep falling, I’m falling apart
I’m falling, I’m falling apart
I’m falling, I’m falling apart
I’m falling apart
Your love’s a fire, it’s alive and I’m burning in it
I’m in the ashes of mercy; I’m covered in it
I fall hard and you carry me
I fall apart so you can set me free
Your love’s a fire, it’s alive and I’m burning in it
I’m in the ashes of mercy; I’m covered in it
I fall hard and you carry me
I fall apart so you can set me free
I’ll follow you out of the dark
I tried it my way, but I keep falling apart
I’ll follow you, with all of my heart
I’m tired of my ways ’cause I keep falling, I’m falling apart
I’m falling, I’m falling apart
Without you, I’m falling, I’m falling apart
I’m falling apart, I’m falling apart
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Kane Churko / Tobin Esperance / Anthony Esperance
Falling Apart lyrics © Mr. Kane Music Llc, Songs Of Dynamite
However today my Snapchat isn’t working properly again & he asks if he can call, we end up talking for two & a half hours. We talk easily for most of our calls, it’s always at the end of our chat for the day or at the end of our phone calls that both of us are guilty of doing it, bringing up something before we have to go, that requires more in depth time.. We’ve obviously done that today because when we get off the phone I say, “Anyway, it’s really hard to chat on the web app on my phone. So I’ll chat when my snap fixes for you. Enjoy your day, sorry for taking up so much of your precious time. I’ll be aware of that in the future. Good night.” & he says, “Omg stop being a twat.” But I just can’t help myself. “I’m not. You’re busy. I genuinely didn’t realise i was taking up time you should have been adulting.” His reply just piss me off, “Well I do need adult .. Sometimes.”
How are there petals left at this point…
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 