September 2025 – Scary Age
16 September 2025 – So when V2.0 got into full swing, I stopped calling him Marvel, because it no longer felt right to have a random weird nickname for him from years ago – a nickname that didn’t suit the situation. I wanted to give him a nickname that suited him & our new dynamic. While I considered him my boyfriend – even though that word didn’t really suit our situation, he was more than a boyfriend to me, anyway I’d already used that pseudonym ‘boyfriend’ in the blog for the guy I owned my house with, thinking that I would have a nickname for someone I’m dating & as they turn into my partner, I wouldn’t ever need to use boyfriend again. I didn’t really want to use Phoenix real name, which was my first instinct because things were so good, which was what I did use in my diary version, because his real name is so fucking common, on every TV show or movie – even the docos I watch have someone of the same name I didn’t think it would matter, but I’m glad I found the perfect nickname Phoenix, because by the time I started posting about Phoenix, in real life he had already already changed back, so I was going to call him Marvel again, ‘the return of Marvel’ as he was back in full force. I felt that it would be inappropriate to post using his real name, but also didn’t want to use Marvel, as I did have a different dynamic, he wasn’t always like this, but now it only seems appropriate, to change his name again, which I’ve landed on another perfect nickname, Obsidian. This probably should have happened more than a month ago if I am truly honest with myself & the situation, we have been over for a long time, both just hanging on, me more than him, I held out hope that things would get better & he would fucking communicate properly with me, but now it’s only appropriate that he officially be re named to Obsidian. Signaling the end of affair v2.0.
In 2020, when this affair rekindled after he got married – because I pushed for it, I realised that Marvel was the ash I settled for, but in 2025 I changed his name to Phoenix because he was the fire I never thought I’d feel. That was the v2.0 of him that rose from the ashes of everything we’d burned through, but fires don’t last if you don’t stoke them. He stoked it, then let it burn out. Whatever we were, had burned so hot it melted our icy hearts – if only for a moment, & then, just as suddenly, it cooled into something dark, hard & unfamiliar. That’s when he became Obsidian. The definition of Obsidian, it forms when molten lava cools so quickly that it becomes smooth, black & reflective instead of turning into rock. That’s what happened to us. We cooled so fast that whatever heat & softness we once had between us, hardened into something dark, sharp & distant. What’s left is something I can’t hold onto without cutting myself, something that looks familiar but is no longer warm to the touch. & while desperately trying to hold onto him despite his actions, he carved another scar into my heart — deeper than the other three scars he’s left there. I have a wound that I know will never fully heal. He was my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my sexual twin, my confidant, my everything… Realising now that I wasn’t any of those things for him, I was just the hole he put his dick in. He slowly, slowly slipped away until he became a stranger I no longer recognise.
Remember when he was Marvel, the man who messaged sporadically, caught up with me once a month, showed no real feeling & barely pretended to be interested? That version of him was distant, inconsistent & always half there. Somehow, Phoenix has now circled back to that place… Only worse. He hasn’t just slipped into Marvel’s old habits; he’s become something even colder, harder, & far more unreachable. I can’t call him Marvel anymore, that name doesn’t fit the way he’s changed. Obsidian has evolved. It reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City when Mr Big has heart surgery, how he gives Carrie this soft, hopeful moment before he falls asleep, only to wake up the next morning acting like none of it ever happened. That’s what this feels like with Obsidian. A moment of warmth, a flicker of true connection, followed by a coldness so abrupt it leaves you blinking, wondering if you imagined the whole thing. Did I imagine the whole Phoenix chapter? Was it all a dream?
This is Obsidian. I have said that my life is a replica of Sex & the City. Being pulled back in & discarded too easily. Obsidian has done the same thing to me for eight fucking years… The part I don’t understand is how he says now that ‘this wasn’t meant to be what it is.’ UM, what the actual fuck?? I didn’t ask for this, in fact I was weary of it from the start, even when he started saying he wanted sexless dates, I still tried to make the about sex. He pushed & pushed, he consistently messaged me breakfast pictures or some other shit from 4:30am, took me on dates, brought me flowers & jewellery & he even noticed when I was down in the dumps at work & perked me up. Now I cannot show any emotion to him, because if I do, he pulls away, saying I am criticising him & because our relationship – while it did evolve to calls & dates, it was still mostly online so he can just log off without a care, blaming his lack of empathy or undiagnosed ADHD. I totally understand that what I say comes across as criticism, but I am genuinely just asking for him to explain & I am trying to give my perspective on how I feel & my perception of what is going on, but Obsidian is allowed to be 100% his narcistic self, blaming me & saying I am always cranky & criticising him but I am not allowed to be myself, ever.
Today though, my chat is back & normal. But I am still spending all my time unsaving every single chat & every picture in our Snapchat history, this is over & so our only remaining history is slowly being erased. We say our good mornings & I say, “Anyway, I’ll be sure to not take up your adulting time like yesterday. So chat when you can.” I just need to get some distance, back off & let him call the shots – as always, “You can take some of it.” Can I really?! Doesn’t feel like I can even take up a minute, I mean it’s too difficult to download the app now everyday… “It’s all good, I didn’t realise you regretted starting this, honestly. It’s fine. I’m not angry, it is what it is.” & he says, “I don’t regret it at all.” I guess he didn’t say regret, “Well, you didn’t say the word regret…” But I feel like he regrets it because he has said it wasn’t supposed to be this & it was apparently going to be harder to see me… He then talks about his broken phone & then says he’s heading offline & will chat tomorrow, I say, “It’s all good, you don’t need to say hello & goodbye anymore… Chat when you’re ready to have sex.”
A couple of petals meet their fate on the pile of other discarded red petals…
17 September 2025 – Because I said chat when you’re ready for sex, I’d let him off the hook, so when I get a message in the morning I am confused, he’s even asking how working out is going, I ask the same back, “Worked out this morning , well do so more painting , then need to go to city this afternoon to watch my son perform.” We don’t talk on the phone today but being the bitchy mole I am because he can’t possibly come see me in the city, that I say “Hope you survive the drive. And paying for parking.” & he says, “Me too!”
18 September 2025 – I don’t really recall having an age that was what people call the scary age. You know the age you don’t want to reach without being married with kids. After Boyfriend & I broke up I did make a pact with one of my bothers friends (at 25 years old!) that if I turned 40 & wasn’t married, that we’d get together. Which he was never my type but you know what, I could do a lot worse & to be honest, Obsidian is a cunt so I probably could be happy with my brothers friend, but anyway I guess that 40 back then was my scary age but as I got closer & closer to turning 40, I never really had that scary moment of needing to be with someone.
I never knew that other people would also have a scary age for me too… My parents. This year my parents got their caravan set up, after years of it sitting in the driveway, so as you know in June, we went on a mini break family holiday but because I had to spent over $500 on a cabin for me & the dogs, we talked about me buying a little pop top caravan too. I can’t really afford something I don’t know how much I’ll use, but my dad spoke to me on the side & said that mum & him were talking & because they have paid for some of my sister’s wedding & some of my brothers wedding, 20+ years ago, that they will give me some money for the caravan. My immediate thoughts, were that obviously my parents have now given up hope that I will get married & that 44 is their scary age for me. Wow, so now my parents have even given up hope that I am loveable… FUCK.
Since the June long weekend, my dad & I have been looking for a little caravan for me & the dogs, I was looking at pop tops but then when mum & dad offered some money, I started looking at vans that are a bit bigger. After I leave him on the 24 August 2025 – Heart Attack, telling him that I am meeting Dad to go look at the first Caravan, you’ll remember that Obsidian messaged me later to ask “You got a caravan yet loser?” I know our banter so I laughed. But now that I’ve bought one & picked it up last night, I don’t want him to know about it. I don’t want him to see it because he’ll do exactly to me what he hates about his wife & what she does to him, he’ll make fun of me for having it. I just don’t want to hear it. It’s not banter. It’s just him projecting what she does to him on me.
As Obsidian is being worse than ever with his communication & stubbornness I am glad that I didn’t let the thoughts of a future with him taint my purchase but man oh man I feel like such a fool, for even thinking about his kids when I was looking at how many beds & where the dogs would go & his kids… I know the situation I am in, but I think about him all the time & I factor him into more decisions than I should, when he can’t even factor me into his fucking day. I hate that when I was looking at some of the caravan’s that I was thinking about him & his kids, where they would sleep & how we could have family trips away… Of course, that’s never going to happen because even if he did split with his wife, she will never let us be happy, even if she is happy with someone else herself. So it’s fucking stupid. Luckily, when I find one that is the right price & the right set up, I don’t think about the fact he won’t fit in the main bed at all or where his kids will sleep. They can sleep in their beds, at home with their mum & dad, who are having kinky sex with some other dude, in the next room for all I care…
I genuinely don’t like telling him about anything anymore, even when I mentioned that I might be going to Africa – all the while he was planning Japan, he made me feel like shit & only had bad things to say about me potentially going – he said stuff about being robbed or it being unsafe. When I think back, there hasn’t been a lot of positivity from Obsidian about anything I have done? This new job is the exception, it’s the only thing he’s ever really been positive about & I think that was purely because he wanted me to be more preoccupied so he could pull away for his wife & LMA – who are skinny, fun & flirty, not bitchy when being ignored – because they aren’t ignored! I don’t want to tell him about the caravan & I don’t. I don’t post on Snapchat about it, even though he is not really looking at my stories regularly anymore. Let’s face it, Obsidian hasn’t been at my house for more than three weeks now & was only 15 minutes anyway, so it’s not like he’s going to be going out of his way to come over so he won’t see it. I did say that I wanted to christen it with him when it was hypothetical, but I’d just rather keep this stuff to myself now. I don’t want him to see it & tell me all it’s flaws, I know what needs to be done to it, it’s from 1986. I don’t need him making me feel shit for something I am excited about.
I know he doesn’t feel like it, because he has told me recently that I have mocked him for being tired, I am not mocking him, I am trying to understand how a healthy 40-year-old man can be so fucking tired all the time & not go see a dr about it. I am always his biggest supporter, I am constantly giving him ideas for his Facebook page that he never takes, I am always telling him that he’s not fat & he looks good. I haven’t in a while given him any other reassurance & honestly, that’s mainly because I get nothing from him ever – even that one time I asked for it directly. I got nothing. He recently called me smart which I don’t believe, he used to say something about how sexy he thinks I am but he never gives me any other reassurance, about us. There was a time when Obsidian was taking me out on dates, pulling my waist really tight when I asked for a photo. I got the reassurance I needed in his actions, he didn’t need to tell me because he saw me & I felt it. He said I used to have a heart of stone, but he melted it & is now somehow genuinely surprised when I have emotions. He should remember that he melted my stone cold heart when I first started saying stupid girlfriend stuff to him. I never would have admitted that to him, if I knew how this was going to go. He took me on dates, held me close, kissed me deeply, said things to me, he fucking pushed this & I fell for it hook, line & sinker & now he’s surprised that I’m pissed off that he doesn’t want it anymore.
He sees a Snapchat story about me being in pain, it’s so excruciating that I am genuinely concerned about it, so he says that he hopes I am not in too much pain, he asks what it is & I don’t know but I have an ultra sound next week, but I don’t want to bother him with the nitty gritty but he says he wants to know I am okay. So I say I’m okay, no need to worry… Hours later with no reply, I say, “You don’t need to worry about the pleasantries. I’ve finally caught up, sorry it took me so long & sorry I tried for so long to fix this & forcing you to work on it with me. You said you don’t know what you want & then Monday you said you wish you never started this. I’m caught up, I won’t fight for it, I won’t beg you like the fool I’ve been… We can just go back to the old times when we’d send half a dozen messages to set up sex. Again, sorry for it being so long to realise what you were trying to do all along.” I don’t know why are we bothering to keep some sort of friendship?
He writes back – even though I didn’t think he would later that night about 5:30pm, “I wasnt trying to do anything.. I do want us to be good friends … I just dont want things complicated all the time that I upset you weekly and generally make you unhappy everytime I can’t talk to you … I genuinely loved hanging out with you and pushing our friendship forward, but hate the way it complicated things… I am genuinely legit busy… I can assure kids suck and keep you busy on top of normal life things … Obviously my reaction is to pull back… when I cant give what you want , I give you less because I just dont know what do … in my mind I was always trying hard , and you made me feel I wasn’t…and you actually feel that way.” Notice how he said ‘loved’ past tense… But he never understands, all I wanted was communication…
Later that night I write back, knowing he won’t write back to the next day, “It got complicated Obsidian because your wife got skinny & you started pulling away, which upset me but instead of being an adult & talking to me, you pull away more, which made me angry, so that made you pull away more… YOU pushed the friendship forward & when I said I didn’t think I was single, YOU pushed the boyfriend girlfriend thing – YOU bought me a bracelet. YOU messaged me from 4am to 5pm, hundreds of messages then coming back online around 9 to 🎃 o’clock, to daily phone calls & catching up 2-3 times a week – even pushing me for sexless dates. Now I’m lucky if I get 2 messages a day, IF you even message me at all, hardly any phone calls – when you did call on Monday you then told me off for taking up your time & you said you wished you didn’t start this, so I hung up. We don’t catch up at all unless I make the drive, which I haven’t & what do you know? I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks! Hearing the man who called himself my boyfriend, now saying every time he does talk to me, that he’s ‘too busy’ to message me, starts to take its toll. So I genuinely ask you how can you possibly think you are putting in effort?? Help me understand, because I truly don’t want to stop being your girlfriend, but I cannot hear that I am ‘so busy’ one more time.“
V2.0 is over, as much as I don’t want it to be, I don’t see how we can go back to how it was pre v2.0 like last year & I don’t see it even going back to being fuck buddies or even stayimg friends. This new dynamic is what I need to be ok with, or I need to let him go. The petals are falling, I know slower than you think they should, because I should have given up on this long ago, but my heart won’t let me.
I do however, take back the Papa Roach post, Obsidian isn’t welcome, I won’t leave a light on for him, as soon as I get my keys back, the light is off. I can’t see us even being friends, let alone good friends. He used me for a third fucking time to fill some void in his life while his wife was ignoring him, probably chatting to some other bloke, but I loved our relationship moving forward. I never asked him for much besides better communication, I certainly didn’t ask him to start this, & I won’t ask anything of him ever again, except for my keys back.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 