If you missed my announcement or misunderstood it – thinking I was ending it on Friday 13th, then you’re mistaken & you’re not rid if me that easily… I am ending my blog – that is for sure, the weekly posts at least. However, I am not going to leave you hanging. You will get some sort of closure as to what happens! I will tie up loose ends but because I am not dead, you will still probably have questions etc as my life does continue after 40, however I don’t think I can write about it anymore.
When I’m chatting with Marvel, we’re fighting about how he doesn’t trust me. Is he actually serious? I have done nothing to make him not trust me but he says that he thinks I did the Facebook post on purpose & unblocked his wife, which he apparently paid for. He says that it was seemed from his point of view that it was very intentional & that he’s scared to talk to me again. His wife obviously saw it & went on & on about it – he tells me gain that he paid for it…. Not my fucking problem if someone is stalking my Facebook. Why would she stay after thinking he’s cheated again? Why would he say if he was paying for her stalking? Why am I still wanting to chat to him if he’s such a fucking asshole?!
I snap at him that I have been thrown under the bus every chance he got to save himself & I protected him against everyone, even against my readers. Like some sort of wanker & yet I’m the one that’s not trustworthy! Whatever… How fucking dare he. Even if I did post on my Facebook hoping she’d stalk me, which to be honest, I hoped she did, however, I haven’t done anything to jeopardise his trust in me!
But later when we’re chatting & over that topic, I’m begging for a picture from him, not of his dick but of him because he says he’s put on weight, a lot of weight & I wonder if he’s as big as he was in pictures he showed me before he got really skinny the first affair. He sends a picture & my heart skips a beat, my cilt tingles… This picture. He’s standing in his bathroom mirror his phone around his chin, his hand, his left hand is on his chest. He’s wearing jeans & a t shirt. The mirror is dirty, there is stuff all around the bathroom bench & all I notice is his left hand, on his chest, right for me to see. His gold wedding band. Nothing hurts me more. I mention it & he says that he didn’t do it on purpose, but I call bullshit. I tell him that there was a time when I thought it would be my ring on his finger. My ring on his finger. I say it again because this ring on his finger now represents nothing. It is a symbol of lies & deceit. It means nothing to him. The one man that I finally thought it would mean something for me & now seeing it on his finger, I think that it is just a fucking joke. No marriage I’ve seen has been worth it. But I thought he was worth it. I think that hurts the most, is that I saw potential with this man. Those dreams are shattered now, that dream is just a childhood fantasy – that marriage is the perfect relationship. Marriage is nothing. It means nothing. I have spoken with enough married men online to know this, but I always believed that when I met the one I wanted to marry, it would be different. How stupid was I?
I think what hurts me the most is that I really wanted to get married. My whole life I have thought about getting married, what the wedding would be like & what type of partner I would be. As you know I took till I was 36 to fall in love for the first time, to fall deeply & madly in love with someone but to have it shattered, I still felt like I could find it again, I felt like I would still get married as that meant something to me. But finding out Marvel got married, shortly after confessing how much he loved me. That dream shattered. That dream is gone.
After this revelation of my own, I realise I don’t care now what happens, but all I want is to fuck this guy. Right or wrong, I want it. He wants it. I have no conscious about it anymore. Marriage means nothing so I don’t give a fuck. I do everything I can to turn him on, pictures, videos, scenarios, I do it daily, constantly every message is now about sex with him, what we used to do, what we could do, how hot it would be, how hot is always was… It does the trick, Marvel asks if I am free on Sunday morning. I tell him that I am free & then he takes it back. Is he playing a game with me too? I wouldn’t out it past him that he is. He even controls my orgasm, which I have sent videos teasing myself where he says that I am not allowed to cum. It turns him on more, knowing that I will obey him. He says though so many times that we shouldn’t be fucking & that we said would wouldn’t even though there is so much tension with him… But I know we will & I know we both want it… It’s just a matter of time really…
When he says come fuck me then. I obviously can’t as I am working but I pretend that I am on my way to his house & that I am at his door. He asks if I am legit, which I am not but I play with him so he freaks out a little. But he’s told me that he’s home alone today & tomorrow. No kids. No wife. He told me with intent. Today I was working & had put a treatment in my hair so I was never going to come over but tomorrow I am working from home still, I will have time at lunch. I can definitely go visit him. He wouldn’t have told me that there were no kids, no wife & home alone, assuming he’s not working… This is a deliberate act, a deliberate conversation to get me to beg him. I am usually stubborn but at this point in my life I am not above begging him. Even if just to see what his vows mean to him – the fact that he’s been chatting to me for almost a month, every single day isn’t against his vows to her. But seeing me, fucking me, looking at me with love in his eyes is all cheating! I tell him that I can separate sex & my feelings. I am not 100% sure of that truth, but I know I need to see him.
“You free today?” The magic words, the words I was waiting for, the words I have been dying to see on my chat. I have basically begged him to see me so I assume that it doesn’t matter now how desperate I sound. I figure I need to be in & out. I tell him I don’t have long as I’ll just be on lunch, I ask him what I should wear & he says that there are a lot of people home at the moment, due to working from home so I tell him that I will take “Marvel’s Mistress” sign off my car before I get there! He says good girl & shortly after I am on my way to his house, reversing my car out of the driveway, I cannot believe I am doing this. I could turn around & call it off. I swore to myself that I would never go to his house ever again… But here I am, shaking like a leaf out the front of his house… FUCK. Should I go in? I don’t know if my legs will carry me…