Strong language warning in this post! Hahaha…

I walk in to my small independent gym, for my favourite class, I have been going to this gym for about 4 years now & it’s mainly women that go here. I wish I could tag it sometimes so you can all enjoy it too, but I can’t give away too much about my real life & where I live. Hahaha. (Besides all the kinky sex!)

As I walk into the gym tonight, nothing is unusual, I walk in but I stop dead when I see him…. There is a tall guy with dark hair & beard, he has his back to me but I can tell he has a beard. It can’t be… No way would he come here! WHAT THE FUCK.

This guy is standing next to a small blondeish woman, is that fucking Noodle & his partner? What the actual factual fuck is he doing here? He knows this is my gym! I know it’s close to his partners work, but fuck he wouldn’t be so stupid to bring her here?! He knows this is my gym. But I mean he did bring his partner to my house when he said he wouldn’t, so fuck!

But this woman doesn’t look like Noodle’s partner, she was quite a bit bigger than me, even though it’s been a year & a half since all that drama, I doubt she could get that tiny that quick – it’s not her… Is it?!

Noodle has done really stupid things before, for someone so smart, he can be really dumb like showing his partner where I live right after she tried to “kill” herself… So I guess I can’t be surprised if he bloody starts coming to my gym with her! Is he fucking kidding me!?

Jesus Christ, the way this guy stands, his shoes, even his fucking gym clothes is just like Noodle. His dark hair, which is a bit shorter than Noodle’s as his was longer on top & the full beard… Could he seriously be here?! My heart pounding, I’m sure everyone will be able to see it beating out my chest, maybe it is Noodle but that’s his sister? No, I also know what his sister looks like, it’s not her. FUCK.

I used to imagine Noodle going to the gym with me – it was one of the reasons I joined his gym because I wanted to work out with him. I know how awkward Noodle would be here, how he’d feel stupid doing a class where there is a routine involved, but he would put in some effort to impress me & we would enjoy it together… I loved working out with him at his gym, I know he would enjoy my gym, eventually when he didn’t feel like an idiot.

But right now, I am paralyzed, I don’t know what to do, I want to turn & run out the class, but people have seen me & I’ve said hello to people. FUCK. I can’t be melodramatic… I have to just do it. If it’s him, he’s here for a reason, he knows this is my gym, there is no other gym like it. He knows… I just have to get through this, I walk over to the equipment & get everything I need. As I turn, I can’t help but look at the guy, I finally see his face… My heart still beats fast but it’s not Noodle! Thank fuck for that! While it’s not Noodle, this guy looks almost exactly the fucking same. Brown short hair & a full beard. He has a tattoo on his arm, Noodle was a clean skin but I guess it’s been a year, I got another tattoo after we ended, so he could’ve got one too. But thankfully it’s not Noodle. However the likeliness is fucking unsettling – I think this post has a record number of fucks in it! Sorry about that… Hahaha… You have no idea how this feels unless you’ve experienced it. If I didn’t know any better, I would think this guy is Noodle’s older brother… I know Noodle is the oldest, so they’re not related, but fucking hell they look so similar.

Doppleganger soulmate fid me

Ok so crisis averted for tonight, but now I have the issue of how am I going to get through this?! He stands in front of me, I usually always go to the back of the class by the air conditioner, he is there with his partner, they are new to the gym & haven’t joined yet. Good, well hopefully they won’t join!

I cannot take my eyes off him the whole class… So much so he probably catches me looking at him a lot. He even exercises like Noodle would, I can’t even cope with this at all. I’m sure his partner notices how much I look at him too… How could she not, I am acting like a fucking weirdo!

Ironically though, I work out harder than I ever have before, hoping that he notices… WTF! This guy doesn’t even know me! Hahaha. But right now it’s about what he represents!

WHY is the higher power (who ever that may be – God or spiritual?) such a asshole to me?! This guy & his partner are at almost every session that I go to – I go to these sessions because of the time slot – the only ones I can make with work commute & the hardness of the class – I avoid dance type routine classes for weights & bootcamps. FUCK. I can’t stop looking at him & while I do work out harder than ever, I think about Noodle a lot… I am also at this time in real life, posting the Noodle story for you all so I’ve been reliving the relationship (I think I am posting about us saying we have feelings!) & thinking about him a lot anyway, but this is making it so hard to get over. This guy looking exactly like him, talking like him, acting like him… FUCK. I cannot cope. I see on the Facebook gym page that this couple have joined, as they post to welcome new people. DOUBLE FUCK.

I find out that they are getting married later in the year, it’s only a few months away, I assume he’s getting into shape for the photos (just like Noodle did for his brother’s wedding!) so hopefully once they’re married they go back to their previous lifestyle of not going to my gym! Yes, only a few months & they’ll be gone! Phew.

One of the bootcamp sessions, we have to kick people off their station, once we’re kicked off, like a snowball effect or something. I refuse to kick him off or go anywhere near him, but somehow I seem to end up opposite him or close to him & I can’t help but watch him. It really fucks me off because while I know I am not really over Noodle, I thought I was moving on, I thought I had moved on. This is bringing up all these feelings & all I want to do is message Noodle & see if he’s ok. I miss him a lot. I miss his friendship! FUCK!

I notice what car Doppelganger has so when I drive in to my favourite class & their car isn’t there, I am relieved, I can relax – good I can have the gym to myself (not really to myself but I don’t have to think about Noodle or look at this poor guy who knows nothing!) But then sometimes they come running in after me. FUCK.

The most annoying thing about this guy being at my gym with his partner, is that they are fucking lovely people! I really like them but I just can’t look at him & not have my heart break a little or think about their wedding & then imagine Noodle & his partners wedding… or worse imagine my wedding with Noodle.

I got partnered with Doppelgangers partner one day at bootcamp, she was lovely & we’re about at the same fitness level so it was good to push myself because I didn’t want her to think I am weak. To be honest though it makes me work a little harder when he is in the class, thinking me might be looking at me – which let’s face it, he probably isn’t watching me or even looking in my direction however, it really pushes me harder! But if he is looking at me, it’s probably because he’s wondering why I keep looking at him!

Another bootcamp, we’re doing shuttle runs & I somehow get behind him a lot. He does his run but as he turns he pulls a face as he walks off to the side & I think FUCK that’s exactly the fucking face Noodle would’ve pulled at me too! I cannot help but think about Noodle when I am around this guy!

As predicted, they get married in October 2019 & they don’t come to the gym as often as they used too, which makes me happy! Ironically I find out about 4 months after they got married, that someone else significant to me got married on the same day… Story to come! (Ooooh intrigue!)

Later in the year, I sit opposite them at the Christmas dinner & chat to him more. They’re so fucking lovely that it kills me. I don’t know what is worse though, the fact that I don’t have Noodle anymore or the fact that this guy is exactly like him & married to someone else or the fact that I am still fucking single!!

As predicted though, 5 months after their wedding, I hardly ever see them anymore, which is weird but great since I am now at the gym a lot more that I ever was before! However, I do get disappointed when I don’t see them or him there…



Oh I’m sorry to those settling down with their morning coffee again, this isn’t a long one today… #SpoilerAlert!

Chatting to a guy after the failed attempt of British… I mean how am I still online dating after the things I’ve been through this year?! It’s only June 2019 FFS!! Even the things I have been through in the last 2 years, how am I still doing this to myself? Missing the man that I am still in love with – trying to forget & fall out of love with, being broken up with via snapchat & now a man runs back to the UK after spinning me so much bullshit! Seriously, how does this stuff keep happening to me? Do I invite it? I get some of it could be things I do, but seriously, not all of it! Surely?! How am I still doing this to myself? Why am I online…?

Anyway I chat to this guy Athlete, who looks amazing, tanned, toned, athletic that I honestly think this guy is too good for me, he won’t want someone like me, average sized, average looks, apparently average personality.

We chat a bit & we get along quite well, he’s witty & cheeky, I really enjoy the banter again. I tell him that I’m short & not fit like him & he says that I have a killer body & that we should catch up & compate tans. However he lives quite far south from me, in a small coastal town, so he’s not down in Adelaide a lot, however we’re chatting one day when he says that he’s in Adelaide & asks if I want to catch up for drinks. I get ready in record time, trying to look like this is how I always look, not like I got ready to meet him.

He says that he’s a professional surfer & so he’s always out in the sun & quite fit. Well definitely from his pictures he looks fit & tanned from being in the sun. I am actually quite worried about meeting his guy to be honest.

We go to the usual local pub by me that I usually pick & it’s cold, so I sit inside with a wine waiting for him to rock up. When I look up I see a guy bee lining it for me & I think FUCK!

Athlete does not look like his pictures at all… Not even close… I usually say the opposite, better than his pictures, but this guy is not. I can tell that it’s him, even though his photos are probably from 1998… I’m 100% sure that they are well over 10 years old or more! Standing in front of me is a blonde guy that is now greying & thinning, he’s wearing glasses, his teeth are really crooked, he is not tanned, not even a little, he has a little gut – there would be a lot of work to do to get those abs in the picture back & while I don’t judge people on their beer bellies or their outfits & I know he’s come from his friend’s house, not knowing he was going to be meeting me & as he lives far away, he hasn’t gone home to change, but he rocks up in a tracksuit. A fucking god damn tracksuit! Ok let’s not judge, But how old are those fucking pictures?!

Anyway this date is a complete bore, not only does this guy not look at all similar to his did 10 years ago in his pictures, he is a big dull dud. I struggle to keep the conversation going, asking so many questions about his surfing, that I don’t give a fuck about to be quite honest but he can’t seem to talk about anything else nor does he ask me any questions about me or my interests. I try to talk about kayaking as it’s a hobby of mine, it’s on water so at least a little similar to surfing, but I barely get a conversation going before I am just vaguigng out as there are very little responses.

Where is the guy I chatted too so easily online?! How can he change so much? I don’t get it… I mean I understand people have online personalities, but I think mine is pretty much the same in real life. Witty, funny & cheeky… I don’t change online to real life (Maybe that’s my problem! Hahaha) but this guy, my god, it is hard work to keep talking too!

Athlete friendship first

Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he doesn’t think I look like my pictures (though I can verfy that I’ve been told by everyone I’ve ever asked that I do look like my pictures) or maybe my personality is overwhelming because I am compensating for the dead fish in front of me not talking?!

I am fucking bored!

This is shit…

I fake a dinner engagement & leave after one drink, he offers a second drink but I say no, I have to go, also implying for him that he has a long drive a head of him to get home. I am so bored I’ve been counting bottles in the bar display. 32. Yes – 32.

Obviously my personality wasn’t the problem as he tries to chat to me online later that night, telling me to enjoy my dinner & that my skirt was cute (Actually he did a fingers emoji that represents looking good). A few days later as I don’t really give him much, saying he had a good time & that he’d like to do it again. I reply for a few times, not wanting to be rude but in the end I delete him. What is the point, I am never going to see him again, I mean I wouldn’t put my worst enemy though a date like that, why would I put myself through it?

This brings up an interesting point though, is online dating giving us the ability to just be whoever we want to be?! I am always scared that my online personality or the chemistry you feel with someone won’t translate to an in-person relationship or chemistry. With Noodle obviously it did but other men, I have sometimes struggled with it. I’m not blaming them at all, I mean I could be the problem, I am part of the problem at least I mean clearly I’m hard to date or I wouldn’t have men running back to the UK to stop seeing me. Hahaha…


British #3

The next day, Monday, back to work but for the first time in a long time I wake up & my first thought isn’t Noodle, my second thought isn’t Noddy either. It’s all about British. I expect to hear from him on the way to work on through out the day but nothing. I can’t help but grin thinking about him & the weekend. I know we only met on Saturday but I do feel a little something & don’t think he would be messaging me so much on the weekend if he wasn’t interested too. Surely?!

I don’t hear from him all day & of course I refuse to message him. When I’m talking excitedly to a friend over lunch, she asks me to show her his photo. She agrees he’s cute. I go out for dinner with another friend who sees my glow of excitement of having met a man that I may like & could possible date seriously… He’s talked about seeing me again so I’m certain he will. Out for dinner, my friend wants to see what this guy looks like, maybe I’m talking him up too much… I click on the dating app & notice that he is 10000kms away… WTF?! My jaw must drop open because my friend gasps “What?” I can’t stop staring at the 10000kms away, at lunch it still said 4kms away! FUCK… I show my friend my phone & explain that he was 4kms away & now he’s 10000kms away. She googles ‘What is 10000kms from Adelaide?’ the number one answer is Dubai…. OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level. He’s gone back to the UK. Jesus fucking Christ… My friend tells me to calm down that maybe something happened, an emergency & he’s had to go home. I literally sit there laughing my head off… I am not so optimistic, I mean this is my life after all. As if there will be any other explanation besides he was here on a holiday & fucking lied his ass off… Jesus. I’m so stupid.

British root of heartache

Later that night I check the app again & he’s now 16000kms away. I google & that is London. I literally burst out laughing at home alone… I look at my cat & say like the crazy cat lady that I am becoming “What the Actual Fuck Peppa!” She’s looking at me like a nutcase since I just burst out laughing while the whole house is silent – so much so she jumps. I literally cannot believe this is happening to me. I mean I thought that a guy ending things with via snapchat only a couple of weeks earlier would be the highlight of my dating life in 2019, here we are not even halfway though & I have a guy flying to another country to get away from me! Fucking hell… I know I’m hard to date, I mean clearly I am or I wouldn’t have a fucking blog, however, a guy travelling 16000kms just to get away from me, it’s just fucking hilarious!

I decide to send him a message, knowing that he is back in the UK, but I just send “Hey how’s your day been.” He sends back when I’m asleep later that night “Hello scrumptious, not bad, yours?” I have to laugh at the scrumptious comment, I just write back that I was in bed early & asked what he got up too. I don’t get a reply but I find out another interesting part to this story…

So get this…. When I tell J-Lo, he asks me to send him a picture of this guy, I ask him why because it’s not like J-Lo to just ask for a picture of a random dude… He says just send me one, which I do & he says that it’s not the guy he thought it was, it’s ok. Later in that day J-Lo messages me again & says on second thought he actually knows someone living 4kms from me in that suburb, who is sleeping in his spare room as he just broke up with his mrs & they’re selling the house so she was house sitting & he was away from work & had his friend staying with him from the UK. J-Lo also confirms that the Netflix name is his friends name… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… So my thoughts are confirmed, British is a liar! What are the fucking odds, J-Lo built the fence of the house I just fucked on the kitchen bench at… Hahaha… I ask J-Lo if he’s going to tell his friend & he says no because he’d then have to explain where he knows me from! What a fucking complicated life I lead…

So I send British a message, I know from what my friend says that I don’t have the full story, but I know in my gut that this guy has lied to me… J-Lo has confirmed what I already knew… There is too much weird stuff here, to keep justifying that he hasn’t. Noodle made me feel like a fool, I hate feeling foolish & right now I feel even more foolish!

“So I worked something out about you… Saturday night there were a few weird things about your story but I didn’t think too much into it…
First it was your name on Netflix, I just assumed people use fake names to protect their identity… No big deal
I didn’t think much of the white wine you talked about a lot & it not being in the fridge prior to my visit…
You sleeping in the spare room & telling me it was the master bedroom (knew that was a lie but didn’t think much of it)
The next day swapping to a chat app, but your UK number is still being used after being in Aust for 5 months?
At 12pm you were going to catch an Uber to my house after drinking the leftover wine… How drunk could you have been? Thought it a bit strange but could’ve been legit….
I also thought it was a bit weird you had so many sauces & spices being you’d only been here a short time (I saw while you were fingering me on the kitchen bench)

Telling my friend about you over dinner last night, I look at your dating profile to see that you’re 100009kms away… She googled & that’s Dubai… That’s when I realised you were lying to me… Fuck you lied alot!!

So I messaged you to see if you’d lie some more… Because this is next level for me…

So… I was telling my best guy friend about the lies & he says “I know a guy called (Insert Netflix fake name here) who’s sleeping in his spare room, show me his pic” I did & he said you’re not his friend. Phew.
This morning he tells me that he’s thought about it & the story matches his friend…
His friend called (Insert Netflix fake name here) has just broken up with his GF, but who is in the master bedroom while he sleeps in the spare room, but is away for work at the moment & she’s housesitting…

Also Adelaide is like a small country town… Everyone knows everyone..

I seriously can’t believe how many lies you told me… You do realise you could’ve been honest with me! Why would you talk about future times you’d see me if you’re never going see me again?!”

Fuck I feel like a fucking idiot right now! How did I not see this coming?!

Of course when he reads it he apologises & says that he didn’t want it to just be a weekend thing & he was already thinking of ways in which he could come back to see me (yeah right!). I ask if he was going to tell me & he says no. I ask what he would’ve said when I asked to see him again & he said he would’ve made some excuse. Fucking hell men are so lucky I’m not crazy, what if I went back to his house & found his friend there?! Like some people are just so stupid…

“I guess I have been caught out. I figured if I said I was going home, we maybe wouldn’t of never met. I apologise. It’s all shit & I got carried away. I’m not proud of that, but am still glad we have met.” Well I am fucking annoyed now, I get that he lied to get me to meet him, but he sat there & lied to my face as I asked question after question about his move here & him building his house – he answered every question without batting an eyelid. He even told me about how he catches the train & how long it takes, what road he works on & when we talked about foxtel, he even told me how much “he” pays for it… He offered up so much info, that it’s just fucking nuts how many lies he told to get fucked… I mean he could’ve said that he was going home to my face… I didn’t realise that when he said he was going for curry on Sunday night, he was going to be getting it on Emirates. Hahaha.

He says “I didn’t want to leave as it is & already thinking & plotting for when I come back. I am genuinely sorry. I was making it worse for myself in the end. I actually like you, I think we clicked & everything other than the bullshit was deadly true & I’m sure you believe at least one thing, I enjoyed our time together a lot xx” Fucking hell, why are men such smooth talkers…

I ask him if he ever comes back here or travel here for work, & what was real? “I don’t but I am seriously thinking about coming out again x. I love the way of life out there & I also felt like we did connect. Something unusual for me too. I really had a lot of fun making you cum #IBD4U. Sorry for all the bullshitI ask him what was actually true, he tells me his name, age & sends me a link to a website where he is listed as a buyer in London on. His picture is up there with a profile, but I am not sure what I even believe now.

We continue to chat & he sends me voice messages with his sexy dripping British accent, fuck I hate it makes me melt… JERK! Hahaha. We messages for a few weeks, sending pictures & voice messages, He sends me the worst every dick picture I have ever seen, he’s sitting on the toilet with his cock poking into the toilet… LIKE DUDE!!!!

Because of the time difference, when I am in bed, he’s getting up & driving to work hard at things I send him, it’s kinda fun. He sends me pictures of him at a wedding & we just chat, mostly just turning each other on, 16000kms apart!

The chatting becomes more & more sporadic, but it did go on pretty regularly for a month or so & we eventually stop, I then seen he’s changed his profile picture to him & a chick, so assuming he’s got a girlfriend… Well that’s another one that gets a girlfriend straight after sort of dating me…

Why am I always the fluffer?!



When the couple from the play party that I’ve been hanging out a bit with, invite my friend & I away for the June long weekend to the house they hire on Hindmarsh Island, I think why not – I’m skipping a head a bit here, we’ll go back to the rest of May! I have been though so much lately that I need some RnR. (Rest & Relaxation). This will be a good time to just chill out. However I have a work function & can’t go up on the Friday night, so I plan to go up on the Saturday afternoon. This was also not a good idea at the private play party, but this will be different, I know everyone going to be there.

I am unsure if the couple want to play with us or what they want out of this weekend, but I am going to enjoy myself & really have a good relaxing few wines with some cheese. I will deal with any advances if they happen. They haven’t hit me up again to have sex with them, so I don’t think that’s what this weekend is about, I am happy to just be friends with them.

Saturday morning, I message to say I’ll be on my way & I hear that there has been some drama on the Friday night… Oh FFS. As if I need more drama in my life.

My friend calls me to tell me that the couple are both seeing people & these 2 extras were both invited up also this weekend too. I knew about the guy but not the chick. Well apparently the chick went a bit nuts, including calling lifeline in the corner of the room. My friend ended up dropping her home but then she said he sexually harassed her & went even more nuts. He & his wife went to the police just to be safe & showed them the text messages. But neither had much sleep that night. The guy that was there with the couple – let’s call him Krav, I never got to meet as he had to go home to his daughter, no big deal right!?

So when the excitement of the previous night wears off, I end up showing the couple & my friend the toys I have brought along. They all wanted to try a bit of impact play & some candles. I had bought some UV candles from Rope & brought them along for everyone to have a play. We lay out the mat & I introduce them to some impact play with a few different instruments & the candles. It’s a good night & nothing really happens.

The next night we decide to go out for drinks & I have no idea what happens to be really honest, I know i tried to get them to stay but I get called a cow by my friend in the couple & I hand over the keys to my car for them to leave. I go home later with my other friend & her guy for the night but cannot sleep. I have no idea what I did to cause a kafuffle, nor do I want to cause drama with my friends. At like 6am, I am still wide awake that I start packing to go & I leave quietly by 7am. I have been messaging with some random all night but I just need to go home & sleep. I actually go home to a guy I’m yet to talk about… Hahaha… We’ll get there!

ligth heart

After the weekend, Krav starts messaging me a lot. I don’t think much of it, I never met the dude so there isn’t a lot for me to say to him. He tells me why he’s been so off lately that his daughter has been bullied so much & was pushed though a window, she is fine but he’s struggling with it as you would be… I am not sure why he’s telling me all this, but I just offer support & an ear should he need it. He tells me how much the couple like me etc & that he’s sorry that he missed meeting me.

He sees in the private chat group that I left Hindmarsh Island early, he asks me what is wrong & I just say that it was really windy (which it was) & that I wanted to go home. Later he tells me that he’s spoken to my friend & he found out what happened & that he’s sorry it happened. He messages me a lot about his run, sending me pictures & I try to ignore a few as I know that my friend in the couple is sort of with this guy, she is calling him her boyfriend so I am not comfortable with these messages with him to be honest.

He asks me when we are having a coffee & I say that I don’t drink coffee with a few hahah’s added, he replies “Oh really?? That’s what you took from that.. Fk imma smack you lol” What because I don’t like coffee? Or because I don’t want one with him? I tell him “hahaha, I don’t want to get in the middle of something you have with my friend… Not after the weekend I had. So yeah. Even coffee” He says “You won’t be. I’m my own person & don’t answer to anyone else. I’d have to explain it so you get it… But just so you know I’m not anyone’s property lol… We I am my own lol” He may not be her property but she likes him a lot & after being called a cow, I am not interested in pissing her off. I mean I am also not attracted to him either, so it’s not even worth the hassle. I say I don’t want to jeopardise anything with my friends & he says that I won’t be, he says they’re close & he only sees her once a week (which is a lot for a married woman & their boyfriend) I say again thanks for asking, but yeah am not interested “heheh well I aint letting you slip, I’ll bug you as much time as it takes… You’re a good person x so tuff titties, you’re stuck with me” OH FFS! I am firmer with I am not interested in you & he still says that I’m a good egg & he gets it.

Later with no reply from me, he sends “You really are a good friend… I’m glad you did what you did. Just know that I wouldn’t send anything that would knowing get me into trouble or that I want to hide. It was purely a genuine offer of friendship & still is. The girls would appreciate knowing.” I don’t even understand why he is messaging me this – what does it even mean. I am not going to meet him, I just am not sure how my friend would react, even if it is just for friendship with him. I am not interested.

A few days later without a reply to the last message I get “So much was said & done without me around or knowing, that I have cut off everything. That weekend was so bad. Made me see a lot of rumours & shit that I don’t want to be a part of. I’ve gone back to only being friends with the couple & everyone else. I’m just going to stay at arms reach I think. I sure hope you are doing ok.” What the actual fuck is he talking about?! I have no idea. I even say that & he just said that the rumour mill went crazy & he’s just being friends with them. I try not to engage because who the fuck cares. I don’t even know what he’s talking about so I just say I’m confused & try to leave it. I ignore his last message.

Then a couple of days later “#IBD4U, putting all the shit behind us & all the nice things I’ve heard about you. I would like to know.. would you be up for saying hello? I think like you I’ve had the rough end of the stick when it comes to meeting someone. We obviously have similar interests & all. I would like to know if you would like to meet & finally put a face to the name… I’d like to think that this might be the silver lining from all this shit?” OMG, is that his intention of cutting ties with her, to try to pursue me? FUCK… I hope not…

I tell him that I am not interested in meeting him, yet again, that my friendship means more to me than a dude off the chat app. He says that it’s ok, it’s over with her, however I know women & I know I wouldn’t like someone swooping in on a guy I just dated. Besides, I’m not ever remotely interested in this guy!!

He says hey to me a few days later & joins the chat group I’m in & he was deleted for not having a profile picture – I didn’t know it was him to be honest. I just delete people who don’t chat. He messages me “Removed from chat? You really do have the issues others said… Deadest. Not everyone who shows you attention wants to fuck you. I think someone needs to get over themselves pretty quick. You’re a horrible, lonely person.” OH MY FUCKING GOD! What? This guy has a massive screw loose. I did nothing to him but delete him for a chat room & I’m horrible? I don’t even know if it was me who deleted him either… Jesus. Again I have no idea what he is even talking about.

“Wow. Just wow. You joined the group & didn’t speak, besides the gif… In the group there is no pic on your profile for me, hence being deleted. I won’t apologise for having morals & not wanting to meet you for coffee, regardless of your intentions because you were dating my friend… My instincts were right about you. Thank you for showing your true colours.” & I send him a screenshot of the chat app to prove it.

“Nope. Actually the issue is all yours. It was a massive judgement of error going down that path, but you can cling to that friendship all you like… Both of them (the couple) had nothing but shit to say about you after that night & even the day after. But that’s cool. You believe all you want. Fairly sure it was a huge mistake as this “community” is either led by tits or a bunch of no hopers. So impressing them is like learning to play UNO, it’s really not that impressive at all. One day you’ll see that & actually see the worth in people being honest to you & not let it be darkened by a want to be on a pedestal… You’re better than that… I hope you see it one day soon.”

Can someone please explain?!


Screenshots #2

Here is another screenshot blog, these are real messages I’ve been sent over the years… These probably aren’t as funny, but have a read anyway, they are still smile worthy! Some are a just plain cringe worthy… 

Imagine being single?! 


What is this type of message? As if this is the first message someone sends you?



Again, WTF is with this? As you can see I never wrote back…



So this private message came from a group chat where I said I was sick of meeting cheating guys. I have no idea where the attack came from, then he sends me a dick pic. As you can see I never wrote back however in the group I simply wrote “*you’re”.



I love being told that I’m attractive, don’t get me wrong, but how many times does a guy have to try before they stop?



So this isn’t a dating thing as you can see, I was selling off some Intimo underwear that I had from when I was a consultant… WTF, I didn’t even think I would get a dude message me about them. But ironically so many men inquired on them… Maybe I shouldn’t have my profile picture as my face?!





This guy I actually though was Noodle. But the days on the app were a give away it wasn’t him. This was also a result of a group chat about Rope. I’m not really sure what provoked this message, but I did wonder if he meant it in a good way, because at Rope when they tie your legs, they like you to look like a Christmas ham?! Or maybe he was just an asshole… Who knows.



A faceless idiot on the apps… Nothing better than someone too gutless to even put their face up!


The 2nd message made me smile but the 3rd one made me think, WTF.



No I don’t talk to random people. But thanks for the boost to my ego! Hahaha. Then Ma’am? How old does this guy think I am, he looked about 12.



I love that people think this works… I mean does it? I might have to do some research on it… Though I think as a woman I would get many guys flocking, even if I wasn’t that attractive.



Well hello there! But as this wasn’t a ‘live’ picture, I’m almost 100% certain it isn’t really him.



Look I can’t blame a guy for trying, but at 1 day on the app, I am always cautious of who they are…


So one night I was feeling shit, thinking about how fat I was feeling & so I posted something & get this reply… I mean how are the 2 related?!


Is it weird he uses ‘is is weird’ to try to talk to me? Also dude, what’s wrong with my sheets? They’re Sheridan, thank you very much!

Hope you enjoyed this lot… Hahaha… Cos I sure did when I got them! 


British #2

This date with British is going well, I mean we’re on a second post & I’m still on the date! Hahaha… That’s so unlike me. I find myself relaxing, joking & really enjoying the weird topics we keep talking about. We have a couple of drinks & chat the night away really easily. As it gets later he talks again about the white wine he bought that tastes like blue cheese. I like blue cheese, I don’t eat it a lot but I always like a little one on a cheese platter.

He also brings up the “scrumptious” comment, which I say that I didn’t get, he says that he was calling me scrumptious & I say that makes no sense. As I go to check the chat to prove I’m right he says that if he’s right, I have to go home with him. I’m like & what if you’re wrong? He says that I can do what I want but I should go home with him anyway. Hahaha… He’s smooth. I know that I shouldn’t go home with him but I do like this guy, I want to have sex with him, so why not? We look at the chat & look to be very fair with you, I still can’t see how he thinks he is calling me scrumptious – anyway he seems to think that he’s won the bet & invites me back to his house for the blue cheese wine. He says he’s caught an uber so I drive us back to his house & it’s a pretty nice new house, one of those long skinny town houses, you know the ones with the main bedroom at the front of the house, a long hallway with 2 bedrooms & a bathroom off the hall then leading into an open concept kitchen & living space. He gets us a wine, but oddly the white wine he’s being banging on about all fucking day in chat & at drinks, is not even bloody cold. Ok that’s a little weird. But I ignore it – maybe a red flag I should’ve noticed perhaps, he gives me a red wine while the white chills in the fridge. He puts on the TV & starts scrolling through his Netflix, well, weirdly it says another dudes name. Ok so he’s lying about what his name really is?! I don’t question it, maybe he has a roommate? I don’t know but I should ask, however I don’t. I lie about my name all the time, I lie about my job, with this guy I haven’t but I guess I’m at his house so he does trust me a little, however is this a red flag I’m also ignoring?! My gut isn’t telling there’s something up, I always trust my gut. Shoo red flags.

We watch a movie, actually watching the movie. I forget what it is now, but it was a movie he hadn’t seen before, that I have. We sit drinking red wine, then he offers me the white wine, surprisingly it tasted ok, but it did taste exactly like blue cheese. So weird…

When we start kissing & head into the bedroom, we go into the room closet to the lounge room, generally the room that would be the 3rd or 4th spare room, with a mattress on the floor, I ask him if this is the main bedroom & he says yes, again red flags are still in full swing, yet I get into bed with this dude… Still with that glimmer of hope that this guy is going to be the guy that takes me off the singles market!

We don’t actually have sex as he doesn’t have any condoms & I didn’t bring any being I didn’t expect to be fucking the guy, however, we do everything else. We fall asleep then wake up through the night for some more play, makes me cum so many times with his fingers or mouth & then we fall back asleep. He knows I am a little kinky as I put a rope photo on my profile, at dinner & after the movie we did talk about kink a little. He is very good at pinning me down, something I love, something I think most women love, a manly pin of your hands above your head…. Hmmmm.

He doesn’t even cum at all though the night, even though I do my best blow job moves for him… Doesn’t work on every guy but most seem to cum within seconds. British tries again to fuck me without a condom (as a typical guy does) but I say no. He spoons me in all through the night, which I like because I haven’t had that in a long time, but I also cannot sleep because I am sweating & being suffocated.

The next morning, I wake up realising I have to be at brunch soon, so I leave him in bed at leave the house, not really specifying with each other if we’ll talk again or what – but I hope he does message me. But maybe it was a mistake to fool around with him so soon if I like him but who cares, when I like someone, I do what I want.

British crush

Anyway I go to brunch a little hungover & looking dishevelled, but to my surprise, I get a message on the dating app from British at 12:00pm saying “Hope you made it in time for breakfast x. I enjoyed making your pussy cum x.” Hmmmm, yes so did I… I tell him that I lied to him about not having another chat app to talk to him on & he asks for my number to find me. He tells me I don’t have to make it up to him that he didn’t cum because he made himself cum thinking of me. Awwww, so sweet! Hahaha.

When he adds me on the other app, I notice that it’s his British number. Surely after being in Australia for 6 months, he would have upgraded to a Australian mobile number? Red Flag? Or just how this app works? Of maybe he has it still for his family?

He says that my head job & stroking skills are amazing & asks if I can fit him in before 5pm today? OMG, I just left this guy… I felt a bit of chemistry with him & I am feeling a bit of a draw to him, that I say yes, I ask him to come to my place or if he wants me to go to his, he says that he just drank the rest of the cheese wine & so he’ll uber over… Really? He is day drinking alone with no purpose? Red Flag. I just suggest that I will go to him instead. I don’t mind.

We arrange for 1:30pm once we’ve had showers & I tell him that I will bring condoms. I also ask him about his name & he tells me that it’s the same as what I saw on his Netflix account. He distracts me by asking me not to wear panties, but I suggest lingerie, asking his favourite colour, which is red, not a surprise & I put on some sexy lingerie for him under my denim dress. He sends me a picture of a belt & a long USB cord & asks me if he has any use for it. Noodle was the first & only guy to improvise & use a USB cord to tie me up & it was hot as fuck that I allow it. He tells me to hurry up & get there, as we’re sending naughty pictures. I look at the time & realise I should leave, so I jump in the car & head to his house. I am wet & excited the whole way there.

I walk in & walk to the back of his house, with him following, immediately he grabs me & kisses me, my dress has snap buttons all the way down the front & he knows he can easily rip this dress off, which he does.

Before I know what is going on, I am up on the freezing cold stone kitchen bench being pushed down to lay flat on my back & legs spread where British settles between them to make me cum. Fuck he is good at that! I don’t know why I notice his pantry, there is a lot of stuff in there, like so many sauces… I don’t know why I found it weird looking back but he’d only been here 6 months & had so many bottles of sauce it was ridiculous. Or is this another red flag? Fuck, who cares, I am cumming again!!!!!

Once I’ve cum – twice, he moves us over to the couch where I suck his cock & he enjoys it – of course, I am very good at it. Hahaha. He then decides to tie me up with the belt & USB cord… He struggles a bit & it takes a while, he asks if he can take a picture, which I agree too & tell him he has to send it to me.

A couple of hours go by & then I’m home again, thinking about this afternoon. He fucked me over the kitchen bench too, cold stone against my tits while be pounded from behind then he came hard too. He messages me when I get home too, OMG… Does this guy like me? Or does he just like that I’m so fucking easy? Hahhaha.

We talk some kink & I show him my draw of toys & he says “Yes I definitely think I should come to you next time. It’s good that we’re local too.” I agree & am actually excited about this guy!! He says he wants me again but he’s going to be late, he’s hard again & wants to cum thinking about me, we get onto the topis of three sums, I’m still wanting that fantasy of 2 guys, he says he’ll be up for that if I do it with a woman & him. Of course that’s the usual condition for most men, I can do that!

I really am enjoying this guy. I didn’t think it was possible after Noodle & Noddy, but wow, I am actually enjoying the banter, the sex, the way this guy looks! Fuck me, I don’t want to oversell it here being I only met him yesterday, but he is ticking a lot of boxes.



I match with a guy online a week after things end with Noddy, we’re chatting about what we’re doing tonight, I say that I am going to have a bath. But when he suggests that we meet for a drink, I think I don’t want to be home alone again while Noddy is off doing whatever the fuck he’s doing with the snapchat girl.

I am cautious of British, he looks a lot like Noodle that it’s kinda scary! His pictures are cute, but not usually the type of guy I go for, however I guess I have a type if he looks like Noodle! I never thought I did have a type. Dark brown hair, full trimmed beard, 6 foot tall, almost the same build as Noodle too but OMG, he turns out to be British! That’s OMG, I can’t even cope!

He talks about how his day got rained out of ab sailing & he’s had a rare lazy day around the house. I tell him that I am going to have a bath & a long soak after the gym this morning when he asks what I’m going to do afterwards. Because he so cute & british, I already start thinking that I want to meet this guy tonight, so I shouldn’t have a bath, but shower instead, wash my hair & maybe see this guy. He asks what suburb I’m in being that we’re only 4 kms apart – we’re close to each other. He says that he’s either going to head out for a few beers or stay home & cook something – I suggest steak, being he’s a foodie. We talk about my rope pictures that I have up, he doesn’t understand what I mean when I say about riggers & bunnies. Saying that he doesn’t understand my aussie linigo so I ask if he’s not Australian – not remembering his British flag on his profile like an idiot “No I’m from London, moved here about 6 months ago” LIKE really?! Finally, a guy, sent from the cute gods above & he’s also British… I hate that I start planning our wedding! (Hahaha – not really but you know what I mean)

British lower tinder settings

I ask him what made him pick Adelaide, having been born here myself but also having extensively travelled & lived overseas, I am always intrigued about why people pick Adelaide to put down their roots “My mate lives in Sydney but he recommended Adelaide & after visiting Melbourne, Sydney & Adelaide. I felt more at home here” Well I agree with that, I say that’s its small but awesome, I’ve lived elsewhere but I love it here. He asks me if I have another chat app whats app but even though I do, I say no – I don’t want to give him another app if he’s a dickhead in the end. I don’t like to talk to them on other apps until I meet them… He says “Not to worry, thought it may be easier to talk on there. And maybe arrange a little drink later on. To discuss countries, bunnies, riggers & steak.” I laugh. Fuck… He’s making me laugh! We start talking about cheese too, my other favourite food – his too. He asks if I’d like to have share some cheese & wine later & I agree saying we can meet later, I suggest a place close by that’s a pretty nice steak house & we say we’ll meet at 7:00 pm. I google the place & see they have a share platter but that’s the only cheese they have. He says “done!” I tell him that will be my dinner because I haven’t been eating much with some stress lately (Why the fuck do I tell him that?!) he asks what I’m stressed about & that I can talk to him, but tell him that “Work is nuts & some personal stuff. I’ll be fine, just how my weird body reacts. You’d think I’d be skinny as fuck, but nope!” He says “Luckily for you I can’t stand skinny as fuck!” He asks if I like octopus & I say no, so he says he’ll ask for more haloumi instead of it – obviously he’s looked up the platter too – TOO CUTE… I tell him he can ask for that, I am thankful he wants to do that, but I hate doing stuff like that! He also tells me about a bottle of wine he has that has blue cheese undertones in it, I think to myself that sounds gross when he says “I know it sounds disgusting, but wait till you try it.” Oh really!?

He asks what I do for work & I actually surprise myself by telling him the real job title, I usually lie until I meet them… He tells me that he is a buyer for a company that does refurbishments. I wonder what the hell that is, so I say it sounds interesting. He says “Yeah have more to tell you about my time in London doing it as I was for 12 years… Only just joined this company… You sound interesting, I like that” so I say “I guess that’s obvious being you just moved here.” & he replies “Very true there scrumptious” WTF? & then asks me “Will you be wearing your mini mouse outfit tonight” I tell him I have no idea what he is talking about with the scrumptious comment, assuming he’s chatting to someone else & I also have no idea about the Minnie Mouse outfit either so I just say jeans or a skirt. He picks skirt… Well of course! He tells me that scrumptious means tasty, I literally laugh out loud, I know what the fucking word means, I just have no idea what he is saying it for & ask the context. He says “There was no context, a compliment should be used whenever felt needed” I think I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about, so I just I say I will get ready & see him at 7:00 pm.

I screenshot his profile to remind myself what he said on there too…

“33 British foodie to the extreme, who wants to be cooked for? 6FT , hardworking, laid back, genuine, fun man. Likes: Laughing / Steak McCoys / Bulldogs / Positivity / Rugby. Dislikes: People who talk right close to your face / Arrogance / Front of cashpoint queue ditherers / negativity.”

Ok so it’s not my usual style to post someone’s online profile or describe how good they look in such detail, but there you go – first time for everything…. He also has a profile anthem of Superstylin’ by Groove Armada… Old tune, but always a top track! But all of this is building this guy up a bit for me… I do this all the time… It’s so annoying!

I arrive & find a park, looking hotter than I should for this place, a short, forever new grey winter skirt with black tights, black high ankle boots, a low cut cross over black top & my usual puffer jacket. I washed my hair & was careful with some plum eye shadow. I must say I look good, but this guy could be a winner… So I want to make a good impression. After what I’ve been though, being broken up via snapchat, I need this to work out!

As I get out the car, I see a dude sitting outside by himself & assume that’s him, I walk up & realise it is, he’s got a drink already, we hug hello & he’s actually even cuter in real life than his pictures… I know I say this a lot & I was only just saying to friends after showing them my new (& what I think is pretty honest) profile, that I’m scared I’m the opposite for men, that my pictures are awesome but that I don’t look as good in real life. (Where did that self-esteem go that I just had while describing myself?! HMMMM?!) My friends told me to shut up, but of course my friends are going to say I look good…

We go inside & I order a drink, he tries to pay for it, but I get it… He tells me that he called ahead to find out if we needed a booking I say “OMG that’s so cute” under my breath, like that’s adorable… I ask about the platter, but he doesn’t order it. He asks where we should sit & suggests outside, I think I’m going to freeze but decide to brave the May weather in Adelaide, to sit outside in a quieter area that’s not just a dinner table. We sit outside chatting over the first drink & it’s fairly easy, we talk about our families, how he left all of his behind in the UK, that none of them would probably visit him out here unless he paid for them, he tells me that he built his house here from the UK before he got here which was difficult being that he was so far away. He told me that he’s working for a company similar to what he did back home. He tells me about some travel to other cities, such as Tasmania & Sydney also mentioning Melbourne. We talk about weird topics like veganism, which neither of us are close to eating even vegetarian, so not sure why we talk about it… He goes to get us another drink & orders the platter we discussed. It’s a pretty nice evening. The conversation isn’t hard but we do talk about weird stuff. We talk about steak tarte how they are traditionally served with a egg yolk. How weird are these topics!

The platter arrives, we start eating & we talk easily. I have barely been eating since the Noddy debacle, so I end up eating quite bit for the first time in a week… This is what happens with me when I’m hurt… I realise now that I liked Noody at a lot more than I thought I did.

This guy puts me at ease though & he did ask if I was one of those chicks that didn’t eat. I’m like dude, I eat, but right now I’m not eating a lot. But I do eat a bit because I am definitely not the type not to eat & my appetite is back.

I ask a lot about why he moved from London to Adelaide. I am always intrigued about why a person chooses little ol Adelaide to live, mainly because I was born here, I mean it’s a small country town really. Why would someone choose here over living in London? He says that he just liked it here the best & hated Melbourne. Tells me that he found a similar job to what he was doing back home, so he just stayed here.

OMG, could my dream of ending up with a British guy actually comes true!?