Noddy #2

The next day I write back to Noddy & explain again that I just don’t want to be just one of the many, it’s not what I want. I want open, honest communication whether it’s serious or casual relationship. He tells me that he was up all night thinking about me & even wrote me a song… (He’s also a budding song writer! Mainly hip hop rap type stuff but he used to be in a heavy metal band.) I am driving when I see the notification come up on my watch saying he’s written me a song… I look out the windows & then in the mirror on the visor & say out loud to myself like a freak in a movie I don’t know how I feel about that!” Then I sort of laugh – yeah while diving by myself! I mean I haven’t even met this guy yet, we’ve only chatted a couple of days so far, it’s like surreal, no guy has ever written me a song before!

He screenshots it & sends it to me, it’s time stamped of last being edited was 2:56 am, so I know he’s not all full of shit…


See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight


See there’s this girl

They call her lady bug

In the street ya wanna hug

See all the men

That wanna give her love.

She shuts herself off

Her heart is like a dove

Pure and clean

She could never be mean

The girl of your dreams

She’s so perfectly clean

When I talk to her man

I feel like it’s a dream

But they call her lady love

The one lady bug


See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight


Words can’t describe

My feelings inside

Felt I fucked it up

Now I wanna hide

Wanna fix it all

Take her for a ride

Not the sexy kind

I’m talking drive through the night

Sunrise, sunset

She’s the one I gotta her

So I wrote this song

So she knows

I want her all along…

Well that’s fucking cute as fuck… I actually can’t believe that worked on me! Hahaha… But it does… When he invites me out for lunch & a drink on Saturday afternoon, his treat, no pressure, I find myself saying yes. I’m also chatting to a friend Doddy (Yes they have matching names, Noddy has a man crush on Doddy!) who’s in the group too who’s in a relationship with my other friend, the one from the story Middle Aged Backpacker & he tells me that Noddy has been talking to him because he’s not sure what to do, he tells me that Noddy told him that he liked talking to others but wanted me. My friend told him to “Make a choice & stick to it either be a single player that’s not hurting anyone or commit to a girl & see where it goes.” (Good advice!)

Doddy also knows about the song so tells me that it wasn’t a generic song, you can’t just write those lines & change the name, unless it was for a Doug… He also shows me a screenshot from Noody that says “Well… I took the leap, asked her out for a late lunch & drink on sat… See how I go” Doddy says to him “Good. now be a gentleman or deal with me” Noddy tells him “After the other day, you have no fear of that haha” Doddy shows me another message from Noddy when I say yes to lunch “…Fk yeah buddy, she said yeah.. Woop woop. Haha.” I can’t help but smile, realising that this guy is actually into me.

Later that day Noddy & I are talking as usual, he chats a lot even though he’s at work – I’m not sure how he does that considering he’s a mechanic. Later in the evening though, he tells me that he wants to be honest with me, I’m worried about this honestly, I am not ready to be completely honest with him, so I brace myself “I don’t want to be a sooky cunt & get sympathy, but 3 weeks ago… I tried to hang myself because of the break up. Ended up in hospital. I’m working past it & realising that I am meant to be here for a greater purpose. So I’m gonna see where life takes me. If the wind blows me in your direction my lady, I will float that way. Hahaha. Philosophical shit” Wowsers! He tried to kill himself when she cheated on him (I’m no stranger to this stunt!) & fuck only 3 weeks ago… Major red flags here… This is too soon for him to be dating… Really way too soon! This is either going to hurt me or be completely fucked… What if I don’t like him? What if I do then I realise he’s not ready for me? He tells me that he is ready & he’s ok, he’s working through it… I mean here I am a year later still in love with someone who was a complete ass to me, how could this guy be over his ex in 4 weeks & over the issues that caused him to try to commit suicide. FUCK!

I feel like I can’t back out now, I have already told this guy I would meet him, so I go through with it… He suggests a Mexican place (knowing Mexican is my favourite) in the central markets at about 1:00 pm. I wanted somewhere with easy parking, but I don’t try to change where he picked, he obviously googled it & found a decent place for lunch. Also it’s nice to have a guy pick where we’re going to eat, I’m usually so dominant in life that I kind of like it when a guy takes charge.

I’m at home waiting to hear that he’s on his way, when he actually tells me at 12:50 pm that he’s just parking. FUCK I’m still at home. I’m ready but I’m 30 mins away so I jump in the car & leg it into the city. I get there & the markets are packed, the car park is packed, but I swindle a decent park, walking quickly to the Mexican restaurant. I hate when people keep me waiting, so I hate that I have done this to him! I have no idea where it is so I message & ask him. He explains where it is, but I get so fucking lost, I have no idea where I am in this place & it’s mentally busy, I am looking at my phone when I look up & I see him walking towards me, he’s come to find me. He’s in a t-shirt & jeans with a thick silver chain around his neck, he has a green hat on backwards, he’s so skinny, he definitely looks like a white rapper. He’s a bit taller than me, not by heaps but I’m in heels, we hug hello & we walk back to the restaurant. We sit down at 1:45 pm for lunch & order, it comes out quickly. The conversation is easy, I can’t help but notice his teeth, they need a good clean at the dentist. The chipped tooth doesn’t bother me but the build-up of plaque is distracting. Otherwise I find him quite attractive, I do mentally envisage him is different clothes, I know he would look good done up a bit. But then I am reminded of the scene in Sex & the City when Miranda is buying Steve a suit… Remember that?! Plus I remember giving Boyfriend a makeover – made him better for someone else to have him…

Noddy is so easy to talk too, though I ask him more questions than he asks me & I find out that he left home at 13 years old, living by himself or on peoples couches. He’s got 15 brothers & sisters, all of them half siblings or step siblings, he talks about his nephew & how one of his sisters just had him but went off the rails on drugs so another sister has him at the moment. WOW, my life is so boring compared to him. I want to know more about why he left home at 13 being he still speaks so highly of him mum, but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to be too deep with him just yet – I also don’t want to dive too deeply into the ex chat, as I don’t want to have to tell him about Noodle especially since Noddy was just recently cheated on, I’m not sure how he’ll feel about that story. I am going to avoid that at all costs. Noddy also tells me that his name is not what is says on the chat app & he explains the story as to why, he gets called 2 names & I don’t know what to call him after that, but I pretty much call him his real name.

The restaurant closes at 3:00 pm, Noddy pays the bill, not allowing me to pay, just as the central markets close too, fuck this is the world’s shortest date. I don’t really want it to end just yet, I sense that he doesn’t either, but I could have this all wrong here, so I just decide to suggest a drink somewhere. He says that there’s a pub down the street so we walk to it but it’s closed. We try to google pubs close by but our phones come up with nothing. We walk back to the central markets to walk through them but we see a beer sign we both say that there must be a pub somewhere here so we find a pub that has happy hour from now until 6:00 pm so we have a beer each. They don’t have the carb free beer I usually drink so I feel like a fuck wit when I have to ask the bartender for a low carb beer… This guy knows I’m health conscious but I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. But the guy lets me try a few before I settle on one.

The conversation flows easily still over 2 beers, he tells me later that when I went to bathroom that he checked me out. Hahaha… We have a good afternoon, we hug, a tad awkwardly goodbye then he messaged the group with a picture of him by his car in the carpark before even messaging me… Weird huh? Why would he message the group saying he hopes everyone had as good a day as him? But not message me to say that? I mean he must know I’m going to see it?

He finally does message me (I of course refuse to message him first as my usual stubbornness kicks in, post any date) & we chat a bit, he says that he’s keen to see me again. I know I am busy the next weekend so I ask him if he wants to meet for dinner on Wednesday night, I have to work late so I suggest a place near my work that I want to try & I hear is good for a date night. He agrees to meet me.

The next night he kicks his toe & after an x-ray, he is diagnosed with broken little toe. I think this is his going to be his out to bail on our next date. We chat a lot & he sends me so many pictures, usually him shirtless or of his bruised toe. He has been respectful & not sent me a dick pic, which I appreciate! Finally a decent guy!


Cheat vs Affair

I want to start this blog post by saying this is just my opinion! I am not giving advice nor do I think every situation is the same, but this is just my thoughts. Remember when I said this blog is my diary, well here are my unedited thoughts. Please don’t take offence if you don’t agree but let’s have a discussion about why. I’m not even sure that this is going to be clear for you or me… It’s clear in my head but as I put pen to paper (Or start typing on my computer) I don’t know if it is clear… But I want to try to explain my thoughts on what I was a part of with Noodle.

Having been online dating for more than a decade, I have seen my fair share of men & women online that are looking to cheat. As soon as you start to call them out on it, they always say “You don’t understand, it’s complicated” or “I’m not unhappy.” Noodle said the same. Crows said the same, hell even Rob Rob says the same. Yeah they’re right I don’t understand why someone would stay miserable with someone & hurt them rather than walk away before they do something they regret. I also don’t understand how you can be happy with someone but want to cheat on them. If I was with someone & I was happy with them, I would talk to them about the thoughts I’m having of cheating on them… I have obviously been the other woman before & let me tell you, the mistress also gets hurt. No one walks away alive after a cheating situation.

Regardless of children, I’ve always maintained that I would prefer that the parents break up & show their kids what true love actually is, rather than stay together for the children. People don’t understand the damage they are doing to the children but staying together. A friend once said to me, “Imagine how the kid will feel – Oh you stayed unhappy because of me?” I actually feel that way about my parents to be honest & it’s not a good feeling. I was in my early 20’s when my dad cheated on my mum, however I did have a relationship after that then nothing ever since, I was hurt by the shit that went down when that happened in my family & then hurt when Boyfriend basically left me & shacked up with another woman… So I do know what it’s like to be on both sides – sort of.

cheat vs affair online dating.png

However, having said all that…. I think there is a significant difference between cheating & an affair. Let me explain before you say they’re the same thing.

Cheat by definition on google is to ‘act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’ & affair by definition on google ‘an event or sequence of events of a specified kind or that has previously been referred too.’

When I think about cheating I think about my partner picking someone up in a nightclub or bar, fucking them & never speaking to them again. When I think affair, I think of what Noodle & I had, where we text everyday & have an emotional connection as well as physical. I believe if someone cheats on you, you can actually get over that – it was meaningless, but if there was an emotional connection, could you get over that? Could you really stay with a partner who potentially talked about you behind your back to another woman/man? That he made time for her while not with me. That he had her house key for months? That he bought her presents? That they went on dates, while I thought he was somewhere else… That she came to my house?! That he got pissed off when he couldn’t chat to her because I am awake?! That would honestly be the killer for me. Wondering what my partner said about me behind my back to another woman. Did he paint me as a villain or someone who’s sexless? Noodle showed me pictures of their life together & sent me screenshots of her messages to him, I don’t think I would ever be able to get over that, that is more of a betrayal than him just sticking his dick in someone for a one night stand. However if he picked someone up in a bar, there is no emotion, where I probably wasn’t even mentioned, he could honestly say to me “it was just sex, it meant nothing” but I think if he was trolling online or hiding things from me, that’s when it’s an affair. Do you see the difference?! Am I explaining myself at all?

So while cheating & affairs are the same thing not by definition but by what they mean, I still think they are different. It may start out as cheating, no connection, no feelings but Noodle & I just didn’t just cheat on his partner, we had a relationship, we had love, we had feelings & emotions. Yes that’s cheating, but that was an affair… don’t think that all cheating turns in to an affair. Everything starts out as cheating, everything starts out with one person being dishonest. However not everything turns into an on going affair…

Does this blog post make sense?!



Noddy joins the chat group I run on the chat app & he seems to fit in quite nicely, he’s only 27 & in his profile picture he looks cute but he does look very young. On the chat app, you can’t share pictures within 24 hours in the group so I suggested that he send it to me to post for him, which he does. Usually when I offer this to a guy, they try to keep chatting to me thinking it’s an invitation to private chat but Noddy doesn’t.

He chats in the group for a week or so & is very polite & respectful that at Rope one night some of the other people in the group say that he fits in well that I decide to write him a message “Thank you for actually being a decent guy in the group! It’s been nice to have you in there” He writes back immediately saying “Nawww thanks, I’ve wanted to message you for ages but haven’t had the guts” I explain why I don’t usually private message & the fact I end up with dick pics I ask why he hasn’t had the guts to message me & he says “I dunno, I figured someone like you wouldn’t really be interested in a young bloke like me haha. I dunno I see you as a beautiful, well presented woman with a lot of self respect for herself. So I gotta admit. I was gonna wait a while & see if I built up the courage to talk to you a bit more.” I tell him that I like that he’s been a good guy in the group, it’s refreshing, most guys are trying to stick their dick into everyone he says “hehe, well I’ll be honest. So far I’ve had 3 chicks message me all keen to romp & I’m not even keen. There’s 1 person in this group that I was keen for when I joined.. & that was my lady, you that is. Hahaha. I try my best to be honest decent & respecting. Sometimes I say the wrong things but I learn quickly & always give it my best.” Fuck he’s already chatting to 3 chicks, probably people I’m friends with. Just like other men I don’t want a guy that is trying to fuck my friends, I’ve seen enough drama in my life with Noodle, that I don’t need to have drama with my friends too. Noddy tells me that he was in a group about a year ago but I was with someone (obviously Noodle) & he thought I was beautiful back then but he’s only just broken up with his missus 4 weeks ago & that he has to work on himself before he gets engrossed in another relationship. I agree with that, for sure… I ask him which of the 3 chicks he’s chatting to because I will stop chatting to him if he is into them & to me it sounds like he needs to sow his wild oats that I don’t really want to get involved with another unavailable guy – regardless of what I want. I explain I’m not looking for anything serious, I mean stupidly I’m still in love with Noodle (Not that I tell him that) – yes a year since we stopped having sex – but not since we stopped talking (My new psychologist is helping me deal with it again – it’s going well & I’m making progress, but without a distraction, it’s hard to get over), this guy is clearly still into his ex after only being broken up 4 weeks, this could be a good distraction for us both…

He tells me he’s not chatting to one of them anymore but the other one “Picked up real quick that I was keen on you. Told me to message you, that I’d have fun with you.” I tell him that I’m surprised that she was into him & that he wasn’t keen on her, but he tells me that “She honestly didn’t like the fact I liked you… Was kinda jealous… She said you’d be annoyed if you found out I was talking to her. But I liked you.” Wow, I wouldn’t be annoyed that she is talking to him, but I am not going to try to fuck someone that everyone is already fucking or worse fucking my friends… I say that I don’t care if he chats to other people, that part doesn’t bother me much – even though I do for some reason get jealous, but I won’t be into meeting him if he’s meeting my friends too.

I ask him to tell me about himself, he tells me that he’s a 27 year old mechanic where he works for his dad & “I just got out of an 8 year relationship where I did everything I could & got cheated on & destroyed. I’m pretty easy going. I’m trying to quit smoking & as you seen I’m trying to quit weed too.” He tells me that he’d also just started playing basketball with mates on Thursday nights, that he lives with 2 housemates. This guy has some red flags but again I am not looking for anything serious right now…

I tell him that he probably shouldn’t try to quit both smoking & weed at the same time, (in hindsight, that’s bad advice & he probably should try to give up both at the same time!) I laugh & say “Yes I am very wise” he says “Damn straight, beautiful smart… elegant & smart” Wow he’s a smooth talker… I say that I am too old for him & live too far since he’s out north but he says that he likes a challenge, has a car & will travel. I tell him that I’ve heard that before (because I have then guys back off when they realise how far I am if they live north) but I suggest a drink perhaps first, he says “Yeah that would be great. But I’d drive it.. No problem… I can’t stand a woman up… It’s not in my nature, if I have plans I stick to them. If I can’t, I rearrange things so I can fit it all in.”

The next day I start by chatting to him – so unlike me I know, but I do initiate the conversation. We chat about how I’m not feeling well but don’t want to go home from work because then I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym & I need too, he tells me when I send him a gym outfit picture that You’re stunning woman. 10/10 guys couldn’t pass that up.” When I tell him that many do, he said “What… No way… Rocks in there heads lol” (Yes he wrote there instead of their!) “Well I couldn’t pass that up, I tell you that now haha.” He tells me that he’s being honest as hell but he thinks I am one of the best looking girls in the group & that I shouldn’t worry what people think. He tells me he chats with another chick, let’s call her Demon (part of her user name, not that I think she’s a demon – I actually really like her.) a lot but she’s with someone else but she’s helped Noddy though a lot, apparently also helping him with me too.

We somehow get back on to the topic of the other married chick, who wanted him in the beginning & how annoyed she got when he said he was chatting to me, I thought this woman was my friend? Apparently she went all weird & snapped at him “To just have me then.” Ironically, she barely chats in the group anyway, but she’s been so active lately, now it makes sense why. He says to me that she said I would hate him if she fucked him but then he sends me a screenshot of their conversation, which I don’t like at all… I don’t want to know what he’s saying to other people but then I can’t look away from it… His synopsis of what they talked about & the actual screenshot are very different when I read it… He tells her that she’s the first one he’d be fucking & also me. He tells her that he’s chatting to me & that he doesn’t think I’d be the type to be pissed (Which I’m not, but she thinks I am). It also upsets me a little that he calls her gorgeous in the texts too, I mean maybe he calls everyone that, but I thought guys would save a term of endearment for the one that they like, not call everyone the same. Bit like pictures, I don’t send pictures to guy & the same pictures to groups. If I’ve taken them for a guy, I don’t go spreading it around for everyone to see. I try to make them feel special, something this guy is not doing for me right now.

I do get pissed off, not because they’re chatting but because he has said all those things to me too, then shows me screen shots of him saying the same thing to her! Why would he say that shit if he was saying it to someone else? He tells me “If I had to choose, it would be you, Mainly because she’s right, you’re single & would have more time for me anyway” WTF dude… I know he doesn’t mean it like that but fuck… I say “I don’t want to be chosen because I’d have more time. That’s actually fucking terrible to be quite frank with you.” I mean, this is why I don’t chat to people trying to fuck everyone, while I don’t necessarily want to settle down into a relationship, I don’t want to be just one of the many! Also who is this guy that he thinks he gets to choose between us? Doesn’t work like that buddy!!

Noddy want someone who wants me.png

He says “Sorry… I didn’t mean it like that… that because you’d have more time I’d choose you. I said it before. You seem like more of a genuine person to get to know. Not just a fuck & see ya later. I’m sorry if it came across shit. I really didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry” I tell him that it’s not a big deal but I don’t like guys spinning me bullshit they think I want to hear, he agrees that it was dumb the things he said to her, probably doing it to just get laid, I get that, men do it all the time… I tell him I feel like an idiot because I was going to see what he’s doing this weekend so we could catch up for a drink, he says “I’d love to meet you instead.” Fucking hell, why did he say instead! I tell him that I he shouldn’t say instead but it’s all good but texting is hard (I mean I don’t want another online relationship! Noodle was bad enough!)

He writes back to me for ages, I think this is going to be a long message… “Shit haha. Look I know it’s hard over text… I don’t wanna be a dick to either of you… I’m not that kinda guy… I’m tryna make the right decisions. I messaged her & said I’m gonna hold off on the meeting & I’ll make my decision tomorrow on what I’m going to do. And I’m going to do the same with you. I wanna make a clear decision about this. I personally feel more attracted to you. But I want to see where it goes. Because there’s a chance it won’t be shit & we will get along great. I don’t know. But I’d rather find out with you” What the actual fuck? He has a decision to make? Really? Well I’ll make the decision for him, I am not waiting around for him to make a decision…. I tell him “There is no decision to make…! All good, have a good one” I am not going to wait around while a guy decides between me & someone else… No fucking way! No after everything I’ve been though… Especially since I don’t even really know him… I will bow out, my friendship with her is more important to me…

He replies “You’re right, I don’t have a decision to make, you are my choice 100%. I know you’re mad at me right now for being a typical male… But trust me… I’ll work towards being someone you can talk too & rely on. No more bullshit games. Just me being me. If that turns out to be what you want and need. I will be there all the way… I hope you have a good night xxx”

I don’t read his message until the next day because I go to sleep, but fuck he’s a smooth talker & I can’t help but feel the walls come down a little bit with this guy. Ironically, it’s only the second day chatting to this guy in private chat too… FUCK!


Play Party #3

Just to remind you where we are in the real life timeline of this blog, this was around March 2019. So we’re catching up to real time – instead of 18 months behind we’re only 10 months behind at this point. 2019 was an epic year for me – dating wise, so you need to stick with me, things happen to me that I am not sure have ever happened to anyone else…! Hahaha.

So as you all know if you follow the blog & Facebook page, I made a radical decision to tie my tubes as a form of contraception. After my surgery from having it done, I wasn’t allowed to have sex for 4 weeks, which didn’t matter anyway, I mean I had no one to have sex with anyway! How tragic is my life right now, I have just gone through all this pain & let me tell you it was the worst pain I have ever been in, it was excruciating, it was so painful.

It is obvious for anyone who follows my blog that this is very unlike me to not have sex for 4 weeks, but there you have it, I am barely even chatting to anyone to have sex with anyway. I know right, as if I’m not even chatting to anyone either?! I guess because the surgery was so painful & my periods are painful, I’m concerned that sex will be painful. We all know that I struggle with a big cock already so I am not sure things will be different.

My friend is going to another play party, she invites me along, tells me that I need to get out of this funk, which I agree too! The only thing concerning me about going with her is that she is a big personality with more self-esteem than me & I tend to sit back & let men come to me. I don’t want to fuck the same men as her. We are 10 years difference so we might have a small pool of men that want us both, who knows. These parties are so unpredictable to be honest, you never know who is going to be there & you also never know if you’re even going to fuck someone at all.

Play party audition call back.png

Anyway we go to the party, I drive because I am still in my not drinking phase & I also don’t want to catch an uber home, I am being a tight arse also. Too many things on afterpay & a little bit of credit card debt, I need to get my life in order! Hahaha.

At the party, we scope the place for potential men for the evening. I am disappointed to see that there are approximately 2 men that I would even consider fucking & they are both young. Of course you get the eyes from other men, couples, even women that want to fuck you, but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

I don’t go to the these parties to just get notches on my bed post, I go to meet new people & have a night out. I don’t expect to have sex at this one but again I am still doing this try new things thing.

There is a young guy who I ended up sitting next too & watch some people whose birthday it is become a human dessert grazing table. They are naked, with cakes & chocolate topping & sprinkles put all over them. People they know or maybe don’t know coming over to lick something off them. I have to say it did look fun & I have a pang of jealously like I did when the Private Play Party people did a food photo shoot too using coloured custard. It’s not something I’m desperate to do, but it does look fun. I never really got to use food or ice cubes before, Noodle & I talked about it & I wanted too but towards then end we were only fucking in the car, so we couldn’t really do anything with food.

My friend sits on the other side of the guy I’m chatting with, he tells us that he’s just broken up with a long term girlfriend & he talked to his parents about coming to the party. I find this amazing, I mean I don’t think my parents would care, as long as I’m safe but I don’t think they would actually want to know that I’m at a sex party! We chat to this guy for a while, my friend is stoking his leg, so I assume they’ll have sex & I’ll be left here looking like a tool. I get up to go to the bathroom & come back & she’s gone, so he makes a move on me. We suggest that we go into a room & I do look around to tell my friend where I have gone so she knows. I don’t want her to think I have just stolen this guy from her either.

We go into a room & I can tell that he’s a bit nervous. We’re in the room I like the best, it’s the one with nothing else in it besides a bed, however it does have a disco ball type light so it’s still a little tacky. We kiss & end up on the bed together, he does all the right things, going down on me, fingering me till I am actually squirting against his hand – something I usually have to be comfortable with a guy before I do it, however it catches me off guard & he looks like that cat that’s got the cream, he says that no one has ever done that with him before. I explain that usually I don’t do it either, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Later than night my friend sets me up with another man at the party, the only other guy around my age bracket that I would fuck. I do take him into the other room & we have sex, but we’re interrupted by the 45 minute time limit & we have people banging on the door, several times as we get dressed & change the sheets. Ironically I realise that it’s a friend of a friend that I go kayaking with sometimes, who is waiting for the room. We laugh at each other as we leave the room for them.

I leave the party shortly after that, knowing that there is no one left there for me. It’s also the last party I ever go to. I realise that I don’t want notches on my bed post, I have a lot, lets face it I’ve been single since I was 25, so at this point, I have a lot. However I realise that this isn’t something I am really into, just fucking random guys to try to get over Noodle… It’s not fair on them & it’s not fair on me. I also know what Noodle would say to me if he knew… I have been doing this to seem cool, to seem over him… But I know he would judge me & I am sort of judging me too… This isn’t who I am!


Northern Dad

I honestly can’t even remember where I met this guy?! I must have been on some online dating site. I had been avoiding the usual ones because Noodle was on there with his partner at some point throughout the last year, not that I ever saw him on there but I knew about it because he told me. So I was chatting with this man on whatever app it was before we agreed to swap Facebook messenger, I don’t usually give that out or add men I’ve never met because I don’t want them to see my fat photos. So while he added me as a friend, I didn’t add him & only chat to him via messenger.

We chat about what we’re going to do because we’ve already agreed to meet up. I was out north for work & he wasn’t at work so when I finished my meetings, I was able to meet him at a pub way out north. I have stopped drinking for a month after my ridiculousness at Switch a few months ago & I am also trying to work out why my tummy is bloated, I have been drinking a lot of beer lately but I drink Pure Blondes which is low carb beer, so while I am not sure that’s what it is, I am not sure why I feel so bloated at the moment.

He tells me about his family & tells me a joke his daughter told him “Why did superman go to the supermarket?” I’m like to get superpowers? But no “To go to the supermarket.” I laugh but that’s terrible, however she is young. I am glad he had kids he asks me why I don’t have kids, I tell him the usually story that I don’t want kinds of my own & that I see kids in my life but not my own. I do tell him that I cannot have children anymore anyway, due to my tubes.

We have good banter & I am worried that it won’t translate, I have learned my lesson to meet guys as soon as I can rather than waiting & realising they are a big dull dud. I waited with Noodle & that was the longest I ever waited.

I refuse to message him on the day of our meeting he finally messages me around midday “Hey gorgeous how is your day going?” it makes me smile like an idiot! We chat & he asks if I’m still keen to catch up later, which I am.

Northern Dad & I meet & have a couple of drinks & it is going quite well – I do have a wine, I am enjoying the time with him expect when he tells me that I pull a lot of faces. I don’t think he means it to be as rude as it seems but I think he’s trying to tell me what I already know, that I don’t have a poker face, that when someone says something, I will react with my face. It was always something Noodle said about me, when we had sex, I would have no poker face when I was trying to be bratty & pretend I wasn’t enjoying it, he could always tell. But the fact I have just met this guy & he’s being so familiar with me, telling me that my face gives me away.Northern dad my face says it.pngThe date is going so well, that he invites me to stay for dinner with him. I have a laser appointment, which I just decide to miss & not call them, which is so bad. I hate that I did that, I could’ve called them & said that I was held up etc. But I just decided not to go for this guy.

We talk a lot about kinks, he’s very intrigued about rope & other things I have done, this is the first time I have been able to talk about kink with a stranger, I mean I can online, but face to face it’s a bit harder. However, it seems easier to talk about it with him & it’s actually a good date. We kiss on the cheek goodbye. He messages me when I am on my way home & says that, he had a good time, that I am very easy to talk too & thanks for taking the time to meet him.

We chat a bit & then because we’d been talking about the rope show at rope week, where I ended up with 2 free entries for myself but had also paid for a ticket, I let him know that I have a spare ticket if he wants it. I send him the details, telling him that it starts at 8:00 pm but we’re getting there at 7:30 pm. He messages back “I’ll be there” I’m excited, a nice guy who’s a bit kinky & keen to try stuff out, this could be something, though he does live far away from me.

At 7:20 pm, he says that he just finished work & won’t make it. I tell him that it doesn’t start till 8:30 pm, doors open at 8:00 pm so he still has time. He says that he’ll message once he’s home. But at 8:20 pm he says he won’t make it. I’m angry & refuse to write back. Why say you can come & you have an hour to get there when you don’t even try… Doesn’t that mean he’s just not into me? Wouldn’t a guy be jumping out of his skin to be with you if they liked you? Especially come to a kink event?!

He messages again later that night to ask how the show went & if there is another one the next night. I refuse to write back until the new mid-morning, I tell him it was good & that I’ll be there again tonight. But he doesn’t come along or say that he’ll buy his own ticket & come. I don’t bother asking. I am just not in the mood to chase any fuckwits anymore.

He asks to catch up again & I am away for work then have another rope show & workshop all weekend, so I say that I am too busy. He says he’s sad I rejected him, I’m like I invited you to both shows Friday & Saturday & I dealt with the rejection. He says “Now I feel like a right fucking dick. I promise, I didn’t reject you” I just am angry because there would have been a lot of friends there so I would’ve introduced him to them & I’m glad he didn’t come now. I feel like he’s shown his true colours.

He asks for an opportunity to make it up to me & I say that he can but I am working away for work then have the workshops so he’s sad that I’m busy, but I’ve decided that I am not going to change my plans for a man again. He says that I need to give him some options when he has the whole day, he says that he’ll pick me up at 10 & get me home whenever. I tell him that the weekend after fringe workshops but he says that’s too long because I’ll forget about him. We chat for a few more days it seems a bit heated, now reading back on it, but on my end it was just banter.

He never replies to my last message, which wasn’t really a replyable message but about a month later I get a “Hey how are you miss #IBD4U” Are you kidding me dude? I totally ignore it. I never speak to this guy again!


MilkyBar Kid

Being at Rope for a few months now, I have been stuck in the beginners class being tied by the wrist for months, it’s getting to the point where I am a little over it & want something more. I know that my new friends at Rope have been trying to find me someone to tie with on a regular basis but it’s not as easy as that as most people that go are couples. Yet another time I hate that I am not in a couple! It sucks big time.

Ripples tells me to post in the private group for a regular rigger sometimes people stop coming when they don’t have someone regular but if they see a post on the Facebook page they will reply & come along. I do but don’t get any response from anyone, maybe because my Facebook profile picture has been a bitmoji since Noodle’s partner found out about us as I knew she’d be stalking my page & I didn’t want her to see what I look like anymore than she already knew.

Ripples calls me one night to say that a guy called MilkyBar Kid, who I’ve seen around but has been tying with another chick, will need a bunny for rope week. Rope week is a week organised around the fringe in Adelaide, it’s a week long of events & parties, classes & you need to be a regular rigger/bunny couple to attend the classes. The chick that MilkyBar Kid has been trying with is actually doing rope week with Ripples so MilkyBar Kid needs someone to tie with. So I message him & ask him if he is looking, he says that he isn’t really but also sort of is. He doesn’t want to blind side his bunny on Monday night at rope, which I get, I don’t want to piss anyone off or steal anyone’s partner. He stops replying so I don’t really know what he wants. However on Monday it’s all ok, his partner goes with someone else & I am with MilkyBar Kid. It’s a bit awkward for me to be honest, I mean this guy is a lot taller than me & I feel like we’re awkward together. But now I have a regular rigger. Rope might be more fun.

However MillkyBar Kid & I are awkward, everyone hugs everyone at rope but I’m not much of  hugger, so I hug no one – you all know that I won’t approach someone first, so unless they come to me, I don’t really say hello to people I don’t really know. I do like that MilkyBar Kid asks me if I’m ok, if I’ve had a good day, all the things a rigger should ask prior to tying you, even if they know the answer because it’s your partner, they should not assume that because you’ve had a good day, that you’re ok to be tied in a fancy tie.

He also always shows me his scissors & where they are so I know that he has them handy should anything go wrong. But even though he does all these things, his tying is boring, I am standing there locked knees & thinking about other things I could be doing. Thinking about the blog posts that I need to write (Remembering that at this time, I was only just posting about Noodle, so I was reliving that relationship & drafting the posts constantly in my head.) Having been to Bossman’s & being tied by a teacher, a professional, I have realised that being with a beginner can be very hard & boring as while he is trying to learn, I am just a dummy there for him, there is no excitement for me, the rope doesn’t pass past my neck & make me move… It just is there. It’s just happening around me. Milkybar kid choked by intruderI am not really looking forward to Rope Week with MilkyBar Kid as its 4 full days of rope over 2 weekends with 2 events on the Friday & Saturday nights. Mainly because I have had an awesome rope experience with Bossman & now I’m going to go back to just being tied, while I stand there thinking about other stuff.

The first 2 days are actually a lot better than I expect. The teacher tells MilkyBar Kid that while his ties are impeccable, he can do it like clockwork, with his eyes closed, but his work is soul less… WOW.. So that’s what I’ve been feeling. He tells us that there is a moment he calls “The Cat Food Moment” which is when the bunny is standing around thinking about getting cat food, sort of like I explained I was doing. I wasn’t ever focused on the rope or what was happening to me, I was thinking about other things.

The teacher shows MilkBar Kid how he can get me to react, he understands that we aren’t partners but he explains that it can still be intimate & sensual. The teacher runs rope along my neck & the feel of it makes me move my neck & close my eyes, the teacher gets MilkBar Kid to see my reaction & shows him what rope should be like for a bunny. So as a further experiment, he blindfolds both MilkyBar Kid & I, then tells him to tie my in the usual TK. I think not another fucking TK but with my eyes blindfolded, with his eyes blindfolded, he has to feel me, not sexually as we’re not sexual partners, but he has to feel where he is putting the rope, he has to feel it all & to be  honest, it was the best time that MilkyBar Kid had tied me, up until that point. Even when he unties me when he takes off the blindfold is 1000 times better. I tell him that he’s improved a lot & it makes our time together a lot better.

The next weekend, I’ve been to the shows & been stood up basically by another guy (Story to come) that I am in a foul mood for the rope classes. Somehow the rope teacher this week either senses the low mood within the group or it’s just her style but she does a lot of floor work, she doesn’t suspend as much as other teachers. She basically does a lot of freestyle & she gets MilkyBar Kid to tie me in a ball on the floor & it feels great.

From then on every time we tie together, he is much better, while still learning, he is more aware of how it is for me, just standing around while he works out how to tie. I get it, I’m not criticising him because I mean I can’t tie at all. But it is much better for me & I hope it much better for him too.

We tie together for a few months before Ripples asks me to go to Rope event in Melbourne with him in September & tie with him until then. I hear that MilkyBar Kid is leaving Adelaide & moving to Canberra so I ask him if he minds if I change partners. MilkyBar Kid says that he was going to talk to me tonight anyway about finding another partner. Turns out the he has a girlfriend now who he wants to tie with, so it all works out in the end. (All single people get into relationships around me…) I end up tying with Ripples that night & we become rope partners.



So you all remember at Switch I bid at an auction for charity, which turns out that it was on someone as a slave for the evening, when I was drunk as a skunk! We postponed the slavery that evening, thank goodness because I don’t think I would have remembered it anyway. So I’m glad he & his partner were ok with postponing.

He asks me every time I see him at Rope to give him some dates, he even messages me on Facebook to give him my availability, but I honestly feel like a wanker. He’s become a friend that I think he probably would’ve done this for free, but anyway, I’ve paid $200 to charity (no receipt so I can’t claim it on tax. FFS) Anyway he suggest his place but says that they are happy to come to my house – ok so she’s part of the package too. I’m not really sure what he is planning, what is expected. But when he says that we’ll spend a couple of hours doing rope then we’ll have lunch, I relax. I have no idea what is expected & think I need a few drinks for this.

Turns out, I didn’t need drinks for it! Turns out it was an amazing day. I went to their house, met their dogs & we went out the back where they have a suspension rig set up. I had his partner talking me though what I should be feeling as a bunny & explaining where the ropes might feel tight & where she likes them being placed when she is suspended.

Having watched them in the show in rope week for the fringe, I soak up everything she tells me about being a bunny, getting her perspective is invaluable to me & I think it’ll make me better for my rigger. So far I have struggled to tell anyone when it doesn’t feel right, I just let it hurt, thinking that it should hurt. But quite the contrary it should hurt in a good way, but not in a way that hurts me or injuries me.

Bossman also talks me though his safety implements & asks what I like, what I dislike, what I want out of the session too, before we even start anything. It’s refreshing, having not been kinky really with anyone who is involved in the kink scene, I am glad that he takes the time to go though his ideas for the afternoon too.

We don’t need to build trust as I know this guy & I’ve met his partner a few times, I am not worried about that. However I think that if anyone is planning to meet someone for rope you need to make sure you trust them. Remember when Milky wanted to tie me up, I wouldn’t let him tie me to something, I worked my way up to that & then by the time I was with Noodle, I was tying myself up for him. Hahaha… But it’s important to have trust in the person that is tying you up.

Bossman Strong women.png

We try several suspensions with Bossman’s partner talking me through it. It is the best thing ever for a bunny because there is no Bunny school, rope classes are all about the Rigger. I always thought that I just had to stand there & try to look pretty, but when being suspended, there is a lot more to think about. Including being able to speak up when the ropes aren’t sitting right, sometimes they hurt & just need to be “dressed” which is just when the rigger runs his fingers between the rope & your skin to smooth out the ropes.

He tries one more tie with me, but I am up in the air for about 12 seconds when I say that it really hurts & I don’t like it, so he gets me down immediately. This is also what a good rigger should do, anyone who doesn’t get you down right away is just a jack ass – even though I didn’t safe word him.

Bossman’s partner goes inside to prepare lunch & Bossman says that he’ll do some more sensual rope with me. He ties me, including my pony tail (Which seems weird but it feels really good to be honest) He doesn’t suspend me but ties me up all over. I shut my eyes the whole time & as he unties me this actually feels like a massage, he runs the rope all over my skin, my neck & I reckon if I wasn’t standing up, I would fall asleep. When he’s done, I’m almost disappointed. That felt so good, I haven’t had a feeling like that since I last had sex or kissed Noodle… Out of all the men I have been with since, this is the first time I have relaxed & not thought about him.

We all eat lunch & chit chat, they are so lovely & I am glad to have met them. But as all things that happen in my life, this friendship gets infected with the private play party crew & I stop feeling comfortable around these people. Even when Bossman is chatting to me about applying for a position at my work.

Later than night, when I am taking off my gym tights, I see the bruise on my upper thigh, that is actually 3 different shades of purple. I’ve never seen a bruise like it before, it looks like a sunset! It is there for weeks & every time there is a rope on that leg I feel it. It never really goes away because after this, I find a regular rigger & I am suspended a lot more… Stories to come, stay tuned!