Max #11

So Max. When will I escape this man? So when I was with Noodle, remember the flowers I got that I was secretly busting for them to be from Noodle. Well they were from Max. My nanna had died the year before on valentine’s day & he remembered. It is very sweet & I am thankful that he did that. However I can’t hide the fact that I wanted it to be Noodle. It’s almost been a year since I last saw Max.

Now these stories get a bit confusing, so I will write the Max side first. & my next Noodle post will fill in the blanks. I haven’t spoken to Max in a while, like a long time but he pops back up after the whole Noodle thing explodes. At this current time I am not talking to Noodle because he writes back “K” to my messages desperately trying to explain that I never said anything to our friend besides I wanted her to chat to him & help him since he’d told no one else about me…

It’s one of my best friends birthday, I have no desire to go out, I haven’t being drinking because I didn’t want to get depressed & cry all night long, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to fall into that slippery slope & to be honest at this stage I am still not eating much at all, so much so everyone around me is worried. However, I remind everyone that I am well aware & they only need to worry when I start hiding the fact I’m not eating from them. I am open about it & know why I am not eating. I can’t stomach food, I can’t even sleep right now. I have tried to make contact with Noodle since the “K” message via email which I will go into in a Noodle post (yeah it’s not over yet!) but no reply.

I am chatting to Max & he wants to see me, I am not really in the mood to see him, but I am going out for my friends birthday, we’re going to my shit hole local. I look amazing with my new long hair & slim body. I put on a cute outfit & meet them at the pub. I drink tonight & I am drinking really shitty red wine, but I am just not caring.

I am at the pub talking to my friends partners friend – who I find out later is obsessed with me even though he has a live in partner, he apparently talks of me to my friend all the time, asking what I’m doing, how I’m going, apparently looking me up on Facebook… FUCK! Why is it always fucking partnered men that see how amazing I apparently am! I didn’t know it that night but yeah this guy is talking to my friend all the time about me.

I’m sitting there watching the band, chatting to this guy & also texting Max who says that Sweetie was taken the kids to her mum’s & he’s home alone. I kind of get the feeling that he has not found anyone else & I am replying. I feel like a dick, but again, I don’t want to put more notches on my bedpost. But fuck I need to forget Noodle! I get drunker that I should & I tell Max to come to the bar. I see him walk in, we make eye contact, I am sitting next to a guy chatting & expect that Max has gone to the bar to get a drink & then will come up behind me & stand on the other side of me. However he never comes to my table. I try not to message, not wanting to be a weirdo, when it’s been about 15 minutes since I saw him & I ask where he is, maybe he went in to the pokies. When he tells me he’s home, I ask if he’s serious & he says that he is. He saw me chatting to a guy & assumed I was with him. FUCK men are stupid. First, I was texting Max to come to the pub & secondly, can women not be friends with a man or talk to a man? Anyway I tell Max to come back & pick me up, which he does but he messages me when he’s in the car & I go out to him. He decides that he wants to go for a drive & we chat, nothing of substance. He pulls up at a boat ramp, a boat ramp I’ve fucked the Mechanic at once & he says that he wants to walk along the jetty. We do but it’s fucking freezing & I have no jacket. Why did he want to walk on the jetty on a freezing cold night? We get back in the car & go to my house. I turn the heater on immediately & lay down in front of it. We start talking about us & how we ended to which I tell him everything that I’ve wanted to say about how stupid he was. I also start talking about Noodle & that’s about when I start crying. WTF. Why am I crying to a guy who also hurt me in the past?! What the actual fuck? I haven’t heard from Noodle this week, which really upsets me even though I have reached out. I have tried & got nothing back. I am so drunk that I am crying about Noodle to Max. I think Max gets the drift that we are not going to have sex – which was never my intention, so we both end up falling asleep on the couch for the night. I have an amazing comfy king bed & we sleep on the couch – that is so weird, we don’t touch each other all night.

Max someones sometimes

I wake up early & he does too, the heater is still on, we don’t have blankets on us so I guess that’s why I’m awake so early. We wake up & he kisses me, touches me that we end up going into my bedroom, I’m naked in the lounge room & walking up the hallway to my bedroom he says that I am fucking tiny (As in lost weight) I don’t really notice it, but it was nice to hear. He says that he wants to tie me up & do things to me. He instructs me to get a towel & I do, laying to down on the bed & allowing Max to tie me to the x restraints. He refuses a few times to put on a condom – saying that we’ve had sex without one before (which is true but it’s been a year, who knows what he’s been fucking), so I tell him that he can’t fuck me, so we never have sex that day, but man this man makes me squirt with just his fingers. He doesn’t ever really go down on me, he uses toys a bit, but mainly his fingers.

Oddly as we’re finishing up, I hear the chat app beep on my phone that’s in the lounge room. Then another beep, then another until there are several beeps. I somehow know that it’s Noodle! I mean my phone is no where near me, but Noodle always sends like 20 messages instead of one long one… I just know it’s Noodle… I don’t know how but I do & then I am dying to get my phone. Because there were so many beeps I use that as an excuse to get up & check my phone, saying something must be important. I get dressed in a little nighty thing & sit on the couch, holding my breath that these messages are from Noodle. I am going to be crestfallen if they’re not… FUCK… Max walks into the room but I can’t control myself as I open my chat app to 7 messages from Noodle! FUUUCCCKKK… I’ll go into this in a Noodle post (so all get excited to find out what happens… there’s a bit of a spoiler for you though!)

Max asks if I’m ok & I do tell him that Noodle has messaged me, I tell him because I think then he might go home & leave me to message Noodle in peace. I know that I am probably going to cry, which I hate & do not like doing in front of people. I don’t want Max there but I sort of don’t want to be alone either. Which is stupid, Max is not a good support person for me right now. He sits with me all day while I have my phone in my hand. I am not even sorry. I mean Max has treated me badly in the past & I know that Noodle has too, but fuck I am finally talking to Noodle & I can’t help it. I am relieved… Cue, Noodle Post! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

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Bath

A few weeks post Noodle & I create a bloody online profile again. I’m not sure why, I am so not ready for dating, I am at this point, really not ready to fuck anyone either… I just want Noodle. I don’t care what any of you think, you can’t understand how I am feeling unless you’ve been in the situation before. Even then, I’m sure people would do things different to me, but I can’t help the decisions I make.

I start chatting to this younger guy, who seems pretty cute, not 100% my type, probably not even 50% my type but it’s just what I need at the time, this guy makes an effort to message me all the time, asking how I am & what I’m up too. I actually for a split second, stop thinking about Noodle messaging me when I have someone else messaging me & keeping my mind from wandering.

It’s not long though, before there are red flags waving right in front of me, that I try to ignore, thinking this could be a guy I like, perhaps in the future… He says he doesn’t have a car at the moment as he just wrote it off, that he doesn’t really have a job but wants to get back into FIFO work & to top it all off, he’s still living with his parents, but I am so fucking desperate right now, that I persist. I guess heartbreak will do that to you.

We arrange a tentative time to catch up but then he’s sick with man flu & can’t meet me. He says that he’s been looking for a new car though so that he can pick me up & take me on a proper date. I think that’s sweet. Why the fuck am I so desperate to believe these guys when they say this kind of shit to me?

We talk for weeks about everything but I am cautious not to fall into the trap as I did with Noodle, messaging everyday. So I try to keep a safe distance from him, in fear of getting hurt again. Plus why hasn’t he tried to catch up with me in this time? I mean I know I am busy & he doesn’t have a car, but I can meet him without being picked up? It’s not 1920, I can drive myself to meet him close to his house?! Surely…

I’m away for work when I’m talking about the amazing bath I am having at the hotel, the view of the marina is amazing & the bath has a corner window to see out of. I open all the blinds, put in the bath salts they provide & relax, having gone for a run earlier in the evening. This is where he gets his nickname, he informs me that he’s scared of baths. Oh yes, of course, I get that he could be scared of drowning in the bath or an dropping an electrical device in the bath & being electrocuted. Either of those would be a big fear for some people. But Oh No! He wasn’t scared of drowning. He wasn’t scared of being electrocuted. He was scared of his ass touching the bath! Yes you read that correctly. His bare ass touching the bath. WTF?! I can’t help but laugh to be honest. I mean I’ve just told this guy about my irrational fear of spiders, including smashing a phone once because someone shared a picture of a spider on Facebook. But a fear of a bath touching your ass?! I wonder how many types of poisonous baths there are to be scared of?

Bath actually tells me that he has in the past worn board shorts whenever a chick wants to have a bath with him. What, really?! Yes he says that he doesn’t even let the bath touch his bare butt. I still keep chatting to him, reiterating that that my biggest fear is of a spiders (at least they have the ability to sneak up on you & kill you!). This is by far the weirdest fear I’ve ever heard!

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Finally we arrange to meet but I can’t remember why we don’t. So we rearrange for a Sunday afternoon drink. I explain that my family come over for dinner Sundays so it won’t be a big one, I’ll be driving. As he doesn’t have a car, I offer to meet him at his local pub. (Why am I so accommodating to these loser men?!) I know he wanted to pick me up & have a proper date, but I don’t want to keep investing time with someone that will probably turn out to be nothing. I mean we are still chatting on the dating app, we haven’t even exchanged phone numbers or another app to chat on. We’re still using the dating app. That in itself is a little weird to me.

Anyway, a few days before the date, maybe Thursday or Friday afternoon, which I was actually excited about a proper date with a guy that seems decent besides a few red flags, finally – the first actual date in a few years really. With a guy that is also single! When he tells me that he has to be at a medical at 8:00 am on Monday for his potential new job, so can’t meet me Sunday afternoon for a drink. What the Actual Fuck? I write back ‘You can’t have a drink before a medical?’ I mean I am planning on driving to this date, so was only going to have one wine, it wasn’t a planned big afternoon getting smashed, plus it was right by his house & I have to be home for my family dinner, so plenty of time for him to recover if he does have more than a couple of drinks. He takes so long to respond saying ‘Actually we are catching up Sunday, just nerves.’ but it’s too late for me. I have Noodle on my mind again & this guy has fucked up! I read his message but I don’t respond. I am sick of giving men a million chances with me. I need to have some self respect. If they aren’t into me, then they aren’t into me!

I ignore his hello on Saturday, because really, what is the point… I am angry about him trying to bail – maybe it was an over reaction but like I said, I have Noodle on my mind. I really am not ready to date, I knew that & I still tried… On Sunday afternoon after the date time that we scheduled, I get another message from him, that just says ‘Today has been flat out chaos.’ FUCK… No wonder I fell in love with a married man who wrote back & always did what he said he was going to do!

I ignore him & delete that stupid app!

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: Ryan

This is from Tinderella. She has changed the names, so don’t start thinking about every Ryan you know. Hahaha…

Enjoy this story too… This one had me giggling!

Ryan

Not being one to count my chickens before they hatched I had been chatting with a number men on my newly made tinder account. Ryan popped up with a “Hello Miss” earlier in the week and I am a sucker for being called Miss. The usual conversation went on, (what are you looking for – something casual) but Ryan surprised me when I asked him if he had done the casual hook up thing before and he answered that he had. I asked if you just met up and went to bed, he agreed yes that’s what happens, he told me if it was good you continued it and you got to know each other while you were in bed together.

I can be very literal and take people literally (funny that!) and I had taken Ryan’s word for it that we would met and go to bed. Needless to say I was disappointed on Friday night when I texted Ryan to check if we were good for the next night and he told me he was out of action.

While I was sitting outside Cedric’s house on Saturday afternoon feeling very deflated I sent Ryan a text – I asked how he was feeling – of course I had other intentions, but I didn’t want to be pushy. I was relieved and surprised when he responded telling me that he was feeling much better and I should go out there after all.  I drove home and hopped in the shower and got ready to go. I sent him a text telling him I was having a glass of wine for Dutch courage. Ryan asked me if I was staying the night. I had been thinking that we were going to fuck and then I would leave (after a polite time of course) – suddenly I was being invited to stay – then he told me to bring the bottle of wine with me.

When I pulled up at Ryan’s he came out to meet me. Now to say he wasn’t what I expected was an understatement.  The problem with any online dating app of course is you are only seeing people’s best photos. When describing him to my friends later I used the phrase “I wouldn’t leave the house with him”, it wasn’t that he was unattractive, it was his whole personality. The way he walked, spoke and acted – this guy was a wanker.Guest blog no hair.pngWhat greeted me when Ryan came out the door was a wiry man, shorter than me (which I never usually go for) who was pissed. And I mean pissed. Turns our Ryan had been playing bowls all afternoon – and drinking in the sun. I walked in: horse racing on the TV, some heavy rock music playing and an ashtray on the table. Fuck I thought to myself what have got myself into?

I can also be a bit blunt – I said “Oh, no do we have to watch horse racing?” Ryan turned off the Tv and I poured a glass of wine and sat next to him. We sat there in awkward silence for a minute, I can talk to just about anyone and I started to put my conversation skills to use. I couldn’t hear a word Ryan was saying over the music, so I asked him to turn it down – “You’re pretty fucking bossy aren’t ya?” he said to me. I was only half a glass of wine down and thinking about making my exit.  He turned the music down and we sat and made small talk. Not one move was made by Ryan (or myself) but he was shocked when he found out I had only bought one bottle of wine with me. He suggested we go to the bottle shop and I agreed – better go before I drank too much more – when we were in the car he asked if he could touch my tits. I agreed and next thing he had his hand down inside my bra. He informed me that I had “nice little tits” and we went back home.

We were sitting on the couch – Ryan smoking and drinking me just drinking and the time was getting later and later. Ryan made mention a couple of times that if I chose not to sleep in his bed I didn’t have to – he had a spare room that I was welcome too. He also told me while we were drinking that he wasn’t fucking any one woman exclusively. I would like to think now a days I would have hauled my arse out of there but I was half pissed and I hadn’t had a fuck in 2 ½ years.  My experience with Cedric that day had left me feeling like I wouldn’t find anyone to fuck ever – so I wasn’t going to give up this opportunity. He told me that when he fucked a woman more than once or twice they became attached – I told him he didn’t have to worry about that with me.

Finally after midnight he had enough to drink and we went to bed. Ryan informed me that when “his women” – yes he used that phrase – it makes me cringe now – stayed they didn’t wear anything to bed. I hopped into bed wearing just my underwear – when Ryan got in he felt my arse and said “what are these doing on?” I took them off and he told me that was better.

Before we started he told me that when his women stayed he liked them to leave him a “love letter” before they left so he could read it and smile when he got up. Yes, he actually used the phrase “his women” more than once!!!

He kissed me and surprisingly considering how drunk he was he wasn’t a bad kisser. He made the usual moves playing with my breasts and then he went down on me. When he came back up to kiss me he just put his dick straight in. I was in shock and didn’t say anything . I regretted that afterwards of course and had to go to the Dr feeling very sheepish and ask for an STD test.

Ryan was great fuck, talking to my sister later we realised the poor guy must have had some self esteem issues. He was strong, knew how to move and had me cumming twice although while we were fucking he asked me twice if he “was the best fuck I had ever had” of course I answered that he was I may have paused but I am not a complete asshole! Once he had enough of fucking he laid on his back and asked me to suck his cock.  Remembering that this isn’t something I had done often in the last couple of years (and writing this I just realised I sucked two men’s cocks on the same day! Not my usual style at all!) I went to work. Ryan started to snore so I stopped. He woke up and grumbled about “women who stop sucking after 5 minutes” – he was a real charmer… I went back to it and he passed out again….

#IBD4U

 

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The New List

Telling people about my failed whatever with Noodle is so fucking hard, mainly because hardly anyone knew about it… I couldn’t tell people I fell in love for the first time at 36 with a married man – imagine how much judgement I’d get (though now, through this blog I realise that my situation is not uncommon!) Now that it’s over, it seems easier to tell people…

So one day at the hairdressers, I’m telling her about it & we were just having general conversation, I didn’t go into too many details, when she said that when she was single, she wrote a list of every single thing she wanted in a man – including stupid stuff like not a snorer, she read it everyday & then she got it… She said she put it out in the universe what she wanted & for the most part, the guy she’s engaged too is basically the guy on her list – except I think he snores! Hahaha. She said she read it every day putting it out there in the universe & she got it, so I should try it.

New list healing.png

I wrote a list myself. I read it a few times then tucked it in a draw & forgot about it until my next hair appointment when she reminded me about it. I thought maybe sharing the list with you now might help the universe send me the right guy.

  • SINGLE!!!!
  • My Best Friend
  • Good looking to me – brown or blonde hair, tall, nice body & teeth, smells good & good dresser
  • Funny
  • Living a healthy lifestyle
  • Gym enthusiast but not a muscle man
  • Good job that pays well
  • Good car
  • Not a snorer
  • Has kids already or doesn’t want them
  • Kinky, mostly a Dom but sometimes a switch
  • Motivated
  • Mature, not a party animal but likes to go out
  • Adores me, loves me & wants me
  • Supportive of me & my career
  • Chemistry & Passion with me
  • Open & honest communication
  • Mutual Trust
  • Mid 30’s
  • Family orientated
  • Traveller
  • Loyal & Respectful
  • Thoughtful
  • Affectionate but not over the top
  • Sleeps with the ceiling fan on every night
  • Tidy & likes to do stuff around the house
  • Tattooed
  • Not too into sports/video games
  • Wants to marry me

Fuck this is really personal thing for me to share! But in the interest of honesty, I want to share this with the universe & you all. I hear it works. Hahaha. So send him my way universe!

I have bolded the absolute must haves for me, but again, at this point remembering the previous Checklist blog post, I have changed a lot & I am not just willing to settle for someone that likes me.

I want to look for that insane love again. A love that changes you. However I’m not 100% sure there will every be that type of love again for me. I mean do we get unlimited chances at love?

#IBD4U

Noodle #51

I barely sleep again thinking about meeting Noodle again… How will this go down? Should I kiss him hello or is that how we get into trouble? I can’t believe he’s still lying to her too about chatting to me & now he’s fucking meeting me! It’s been just over a month since we ended & saw each other last – that infamous time when she asked for a picture of him at the gym. He’s such a dumb idiot… She will somehow find out that he’s met me & I think she’ll go ballistic. I mean I would fucking flip out too if I were her! But she has been begging him to see me, so maybe he’s told her that he’s meeting me to ask me for the 3sum but actually he’s just meeting me to give my keys back… I wonder if she even knows he had my house keys?

I tell my sister & sister in law that I am going to meet Noodle. I ask them what to wear & my sister in law tells me that I should make an effort to look good but not over the top like I am trying too hard – she said an ex did something like that to her & she just felt sorry for him. I thank her for that advice because I was going to wear something he’d love, like a skirt & low cut top, maybe lingerie. But I just go for my usual undies (which Noodle thinks is sexy anyway) & I just wear jeans & a top. Jeans are his most hated outfit for me, but we’re just going to sit in the car. Nothing over the top but still shows him that I have lost about 8 kgs at this point since he saw me last, which was only a month ago… I hope he’s fat! Hahaha…

I message him to tell him I’m there, I see him walking to my car. He’s wearing a baggy work shirt. I am nervous but also oddly at peace… He looks like I remember, but yeah I can tell he’s put on a little bit of weight, that makes me oddly smug! Hahaha.

When he gets in my car, it takes all my might to not lean over & kiss him like we’ve done so many times before… It’s weird that this feels a bit awkward but also feels horrible, that this man knows every single part of me & now we’re basically acting like strangers… How can’t that even be?

He hands my keys back as he settles in the car, I hand over his name badges which he left in my car a few times when we’ve fucked. As our hands brush though this exchange, I am reminded of the electricity between us. I wonder if that’ll ever go away, say for example if we meet again in 10 years time, will there still be this crackle of chemistry between us?! I also don’t know if its because this man has broken my heart into a million pieces by the way he’s treated me or what, but I notice things about him that I never noticed before, little nit picky things… Like his few grey hairs in his hair & through his beard or that he has nose hairs poking out the bottom of his nose… I mean I still find him really attractive, but I start picking up features that I’ve never noticed before. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing, you if I start thinking he’s not that hot then I can get over him easier?! I don’t know what it is.

I also can’t help it when he says something about her having my phone number, so I ask why she never called or text me when she clearly had my work phone number from their son’s iPad, I’m not sure how she resisted if she really is like how he described her. He looks at me weirdly, he says that she did, she sent heaps of messages but apparently I just denied everything & stopped replying. OMG… She never text me! Fuck how didn’t I get those messages? I explain that I never got any messages, she definitely has never text my work phone. (Thank god for that!) She must’ve got my phone number wrong! Fuck I wonder what would have happened if she got my phone number right, would I have been so forgiving of Noodle or would I have let loose with everything that I needed or wanted to say, telling her everything about the 3sum, about fucking in their bed? Or would I have taken the high road?! WOW. I wonder what would have happened had she got the number right. Noodle just laughs but I ask why he didn’t stop her – it’s not funny, I mean yeah I fucked her partner for a year but it takes 2 to cheat… Why isn’t he stopping her & asking her to just move on & forget me. Like fuck, why would he even allow her or tolerate her messaging me?! I mean I thought he’d be a bit stronger to be honest & just tell her to forget me – he tells me not to message his phone & I respect that. He should’ve told her to not be messaging some poor random about cheating! (That would make a great blog post, the messages to a stranger!) He tells me that he thinks it’s really funny & that he did tell her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen, so he just let it happen. OMG Really…

Noodle talks about the night she found my panties on their fridge, he tells me about how violent she was, breaking a mirror & trying to stab him with pieces & also a knife. He packed up his car & was ready to leave but she then she also got really drunk so he couldn’t leave the kids behind. I tell him that I wish he messaged me because I would’ve told him to bring the kids to my house. Wow… He has told me she’s been violent towards him – I mean she apparently used to get in fights at nightclubs back in the day, but I didn’t think he’d tolerate it towards him. He’s really surprising me. But I guess he did cheat & trying to save his family – which is what he keeps saying.

He asks me if I’ve fucked someone else yet, which I have now, Rob Rob & Crows. But I don’t want to make Noodle jealous. I know this is dumb, but I am loyal & didn’t want to fuck anyone else in case he came back to me, then I could have a clear conscious. But he keeps asking & I admit to fucking someone, I don’t say who or how many guys, but I tell him that I have. He almost seems relieved when I tell him that I have fucked another man. Maybe he’s relieved because he’s in an open relationship now so he’s going to be fucking other women soon…

Noodle & I talk longer than I was expecting to be honest, he said he could only spare half an hour, saying his work is so busy & he doesn’t have time. Yet he’s with me for a full hour before he says he has to go. I can’t help but be disappointed, this is the last time I’m ever going to see my best friend again. That hurts… A lot! At least this time I know that this will be the last time! It’s a lot harder than I that thought. I mean he probably isn’t ever going to talk to me again after this. I have to be prepared for that… This has to be the end. We shouldn’t talk again… I know that, but it’s also not what I want! As much as my readers are saying get rid of him, unless you’e had a chemistry like I’ve described with another human being, you cannot understand the pull this man has on me! You cannot understand why I am so in love with him…

I watch him cross the road without looking back & as I drive away, I think “Fuck, I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.” That was so fucking awkward, I just wanted to kiss him, a proper kiss goodbye on the lips – just a peck not a pash. But I was going to settle for a peck on the lips. He was going in for just a hug. So we sort of mis-kissed… That was so fucking awkward, for 2 people who are so in sync, that was fucking awkward. But that somehow proves to me that this is not the end for us…

I expect to never hear from him again. That was the end, for us, for now. I have my keys back. I can relax a little. It felt fucking weird, as much as I don’t it to be the end, it has to be. He has chosen her, he is staying with her, regardless of the reasons why, he chose! Fuck though, I want to message him. I wonder if he wants to message me or if that’s over for him?! Is he done? Does he really want to be done with me?

I haven’t even gotten home yet, when my phone beeps with the chat app jingle, he’s the only one not on silent, my heart stops. It is Noodle. Whatever he has to say, I am definitely not going to reply. We have to just be apart to both move on! That was the end, this is the end. It has to be the end. I can’t keep doing this to myself… I read his message, thinking this will be the last one I will ever read from Noodle “Well that didn’t feel like a very finished convo” FUUUUUCCCCK! I’m fucking writing back before I know it agreeing with him, saying that it was a lame hug but he had to go. He says that yes he was only going to take 30 minutes not an hour, I apologise to him for keeping him when he says ‘That’s ok, I didn’t want to leave.’ DOUBLE FUCK! I stupidly offer to see him again, perhaps if we keep talking he’ll realise what he’s let go. Maybe I can convince him that he’s not a burden to me, that he’s not in love with her, that he’s in love with me… Why am I so tragic?

He asks me if I want to say goodbye for good, definitely not but I tell him “You want to make your relationship work & I need to move on. Neither can happen if we’re still in contact” I tell him that it’s part of why I wanted my keys back because I keep listening for him to use then. “I wouldn’t of used them without telling you? Secretly you wanted me to visit again?” I laugh & tell him it’s not a secret. I am thankful that he wouldn’t use my keys, but I am also living this dumb fantasy that he will, you know? Now I can relax.

He tells me “Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is cut me off & ghost me. I’m trying to work out why you haven’t.” I tell him it’s because I still love him but ask if he wants to stop talking to me “Even more reason too. No I want to keep speaking, just don’t want to upset you” I ask if he wants to see me again “I would like too again. I enjoyed it. And… It felt unfinished. & that doesn’t mean sexually…”

The next morning he messages me saying that he swears I went into kiss him, but I didn’t. I tried to give him a hug with a sweeping kiss on the cheek. I tell him that I am going to miss him helping me with food & diet the most. He says “I can still help. You do know I can’t just switch off everything. I can ignore it… But not switch off fully.” Well I’m glad he said that because, fuck I don’t want to stop talking to him. We chat about the fact I’ve been to a naturopath & he’s been eating a lot of food lately.

Noodle angry.png

I have also been sent their online dating profile that they share, with the same user name as their new chat app account names. OMG… That’s just fucking sad. Get your own identity! Their profile picture is her sucking his dick… Yeah I’m so glad I’ve seen that! Fucking hell… He says that she made the profile that it’s all her, the pictures & everything. There are a few lies about their weight & body types. He also tells me that his partner is telling anyone who’ll listen on the chat app that they are open because he cheated & going in o the whole thing. I try to help him out letting him know that he shouldn’t be on the chat app because there are people with screenshots trying to destroy his relationship. All he’ll need is her to find the wrong person & it’ll be over. He tells me that she knows everything & the screenshots won’t matter… OK well, considered yourself warned Noodle, because you brought her on the chat app. He tells me that his partner has organised someone to fuck him solo & she’s fucking someone solo this week, that I snap.

“Fuck you. Have a nice time Noodle. I really do hope it all works out for you. I really did love you & you were my best friend I’m gonna miss that.” I don’t read his reply. But I get a few in a row… I am so fucking hurt right now… He messages me on the chat app but I ignore for hours, walking around the house sobbing. When I get a text message “I really didn’t want to piss you off & wasn’t trying…” I can’t help myself, I check the chat app messages “I didn’t fuck anyone for the record. I’ll miss you too… If that’s your goodbye. FFS Fuck didn’t want to piss you off.”

I throw my phone on the couch & cry…. Fuck this is excruciating… A few hours later, I get another message “I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin, you are worth more than that to me to just forget you. Goodbye then, your fucking amazing & one day you’ll get a guy you deserve, I hope everything that happened between us will make you a better person. I’ll never forget you.” I can’t believe that I only saw this man yesterday & now we’re fighting… I am so hurt, I can’t even contemplate what I want or be rational. I take an hour to write my response “You may as well stab me every time you say some guy will be so lucky to have me – you were that lucky guy! You hurt me by saying you wish things were different – things can be different if you got some legal advice & let me help you with everything else. It kills me every time you tell me something about your amazing sex life – but I truly hope it works out for you. I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin either but for now, I have to walk away. I can’t keep hearing these things from you, I overthink it & it gives me hope you’re going to make the right decision. Just so you know I won’t every do anything to jeopardise your relationship, so if anything is every said, it’s not from me. In the future, you can contact me, but for now we have to move on. Good luck Noodle. #IBD4U” Instantly he writes back “Hmmm.”

FUCK.

Later than night after a few hours of my goodbye, I’ve fulling cat him off, he messages me again accusing me of telling his other friend on the chat app that he’s a loser with no friends… She was a good friend to him & when it ended I chatted to her a fair bit & she told me that he loved me a lot & he was very torn about what to do. She had advised him & been a great friend. I am fuming at his message, that I am not going to write back but then I can’t help myself. I explain that I told her that he has no friends to talk to about me, not that he didn’t have friends. Not many people on the chat app know about us & he obviously hadn’t told anyone in his real life about me, so he only really had her to talk to about me. He doesn’t believe me & I write a message trying to explain it better & I get back “k” My family is over for dinner & I literally burst into tears & barely function for the evening… FUCK… This can’t be how it ends with Noodle.

#IBD4U

Crows

So I had decided that I need sex with someone else because I need to stop thinking about sex with Noodle. How good sex was with him! OMG… How comfortable I felt with him… How much I love him… STOP. Also now he’s getting amazing sex from his partner apparently (Thanks for sharing, was not necessary!), I should be too.

I post on the anonymous app for a hook up, so many men respond, but I start chatting ot one in particular, who seems kind of normal… He says he’s going to the footy tonight & asks what are the chances of us actually meeting up, because he’ll stay sober & come over after the game. I tell him that if his pictures are pretty realistic, then his chances are very good. He’s cute, seems tall & just what I need tonight.

We chat a little but not much because he says that his phone is dying (& he’s at the footy with mates) & he wants to be able to message me once the game is done. I ask him if he’s single & he says not exactly. Oh FFS, what does that even mean?! He explains he’s married – separated, they still live together but they sleep in separate rooms. (Yeah right!) At this point, I am so hurt by Noodle that I don’t even care what this guys deal is. I’ve already fucked another married guy Rob Rob earlier today at his house, like I will never learn my lesson! & I can’t really judge Crows, I mean Fireman said that he lived with his ex for almost a year before he moved out of the house because it got awkward & they were fighting a lot. I guess if things are amicable for Crows & his wife, then I guess staying together for the kids is a good idea.   Crows cheating normal.pngI still let Crows come over because let’s face it, I need something to erase the fact I lost something so special to me – even if it wasn’t special to Noodle (Though I believe the same as what some of my readers that have said about Noodle is burying his feelings for me & telling himself that he wants his partner because he wants his kids… Maybe I’m naïve, maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I agree with my readers!) What is it about married men that I’m attracted too or are attracted to me!

Crows is definitely better looking than his pictures that he sent me – he’s tall, slim, muscly – almost can see ab definition & very very handsome. I feel a bit out of my depth now that he’s turned up at my house. Thank god I am drinking wine, wondering if I can go through this or not. We sit down on the couch to chat, as I had said to him during the chat today that I didn’t want to be just a root, I want an ongoing friends with benefits with someone who is good at sex – is that so much to ask?

Crows moves in to kiss me, he’s a good kisser… We have sex – it is good sex & I find myself enjoying it, not thinking about anything else but this guy with me – much to my surprise. He has a pretty big thick cock that worries me that it’ll hurt me when I initially see it. I am known for not loving a big dick because it can hurt me. But it seems to fit alright & it’s actually good. Sometimes men with big dicks think that’s all it takes so they aren’t very good at sex. I find men with smaller cocks seem to work harder! Hahaha.

When Crows goes down on me, I actually think that he’s better than Noodle to be honest, he actually makes me cum pretty easily like he’s eating a really juicy peach, while then slipping in 2 fingers & make me cum like I never thought I would again with another man. Wow, I’m really surprised I let go enough to cum like that with a complete stranger. I mean I had cum with Rob Rob today but this was an intense orgasm that I never have with strangers. Noodle was the only one to get me to cum like that ever before. WOW.

Crows lays around for a while with me after which I also like, I hate when a dude just jump up & runs away (probably home to their wives, lets face it!) but what the actual fuck, I spill the beans about the whole story with Noodle. He listens, asking questions & provides his perspective which I appreciate & he leaves. I cannot believe that I have done that, what is wrong with me?! Why would I tell a random stranger about the guy I am still in love with & about all the shit he’s doing with his partner now she knows about me.

Just a side note to that too – I know some of you have said that Noodle was lying about her or she was cheating on him. Well I can confirm that Noodle didn’t lie about their sex life before or after their affair. I have no idea if she had an affair, but I had actually questioned that myself – why else would someone be so paranoid… However, I have seen a few women that have been cheated on & become a crazy sexy sexual being after her partner cheats. I believe that it’s because they think that he cheated on her because of the sex. The women (& men) who are cheated on are told the lies that it was just sex so they try to change their ways to keep their partner happy. What they don’t realise, that if it was just sex, the guy would probably be fucking a new person every week, I mean it’s less risky because the random sex encounter rather than a ongoing affair with the same woman. Clearly when a man cheats just with one woman for a year, it is more than just sex…

I expect never to hear from Crows again being that he’s married with very little kids too – I mean he says he’s separated & living in separate rooms, however I am not sure how much I believe that story to be really honest. Plus I just had verbal diarrhoea about my now ex (or whatever the fuck Noodle was/is). FUCK. I can’t believe that I did that… Am I ever going to be ok with another man ever again? I mean I am trying so hard right not to get over Noodle. I have fucked Rob Rob today & his house & now I have fucked another married man on the same damn day! I mean I am not sure I believe Crows story of being separated, but at this point, I don’t even care! I am literally an empty shell, barely functioning.

I’m surprised when Crows messages me again & offers up his chat app user name for me to chat to him on there – which is a bit easier. He says he recognises my profile straight away & remembers being in a banter group with Noodle & I. He said he felt awkward trying to talk to me because Noodle always jumped on any guy that attempted to talk to me. (OMG, others noticed it too!) FUCK me, it makes me miss Noodle even more.

I chat to Crows almost daily but we don’t catch up again for over a month. I think that his story of being separated is total bullshit or I scared him off with my stupid verbal diarrhoea. Probably the latter. But also because a lot of stuff happens that you’ll find out in some other blogs. Stay tuned! Hahaha.

He says he has to work early & then look after the kids so he could come to my house at 5:30 am. I tell him that I will leave the door unlocked but will get back into bed… Why do I let men do this? This is only like the second time I will have ever met this man & I’m getting up to unlock the door then waiting in bed for them!? Fuck. I’m so dumb sometimes. However we have amazing sex & while it’s good while I’m with him, I can’t help but think about Noodle once Crows is gone…

When will I ever stop thinking about Noodle after I fuck other guys?

#IBD4U

Noodle #50

Again, Noodle has the control. He logs off & doesn’t bother to message me again. I fucking hate that he does that I can’t do anything about it. I mean I can, but I am not a fucking idiot. He’s told me this woman will hunt me down & kill me. I also don’t really want to cause him any more drama. Or do I? I mean I will admit, I’m only human, I consider rocking up at his work, her work, their house, I even consider faking a pregnancy… Like I mean my thoughts are clearly a little nuts when heartbroken, I get that, but I’m pretty sure that’s normal thoughts, what’s not normal is acting on it. Man I wish I was nuts!

Interestingly, I never hear from him again on that account, I get a screenshot from another person who knows us well, who sends me a copy of Noodle’s new chat app account. What a fucking asshole… His name is a word (which I won’t share) but then “guy” with his year of birth. Oh fuck, so assuming she’ll be the same word with “girl” & her year of birth (Which I know because she just turned 30). I look it up & bingo, there is her face both on the app with only a couple of days on her tally (as the chat apps tells you how many days you’ve been on the chat app). OMG. The thing that bothers me about this is that he would pay anyone else out for doing that, having matching names, he would give them so much shit, yet he’s now got fucking matching user names… OMG he’s really not the guy I thought he was…. He’s such a fucking wanker! I can’t even believe that I was (lets face it, still am) in love with this man. Why hasn’t he messaged me on this new account? We were chatting ok on the other one?! I am so fucking angry, I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days. He’s now back on my turf with her & hasn’t bothered to tell me. He is fucking stupid! Why would he bring her onto the chat app after publicly announcing that he was with me under his old account that he shared pictures with so everyone knows who he is & now he has his face up again & so does she… I know he told her we met at the gym, but he should’ve kept her far away from the chat app, with everything he could!!

I message him on the chat app from my account to his new account & he reads it then never replies. So I send another message & he doesn’t read it, I get nothing, I send another & he never reads it. FUCK YOU NOODLE! I’m so mad & beyond caring at this point that I send him a text message Noodle, I need to get my key back & I’ve got your xmas present + name badges to give back too. We need to meet. I say that stuff in case she reads it – just so she knows some stuff he might not tell her. But I get nothing back from him. What a fucking wanker! I am so angry!

At this point though, I didn’t know there were emails waiting for me in my junk box, until I met Cowboy for coffee. So I am fuming about how Noodle has left things with me. But obviously when I sent the message on the chat app & then the text, he emailed me to ask me to stop & also that he would meet me for lunch this weekend. He also tells me that he blocked me on the chat app because she has full access to his phone & doesn’t want her to find my messages. He tells me in the emails that he’ll chat to me at work. All I care about right now is getting my keys back so I can move on. I can’t stop thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need to dash that fantasy right away!

Finally on the weekend, he’s chatting to me on the chat app, I ask why he didn’t message me & he says that it was part of the conditions, he couldn’t talk to me. I tell him that I figured that I was worth more than being ghosted but he tells me that it wasn’t possible… I call bullshit. I mean he wasn’t at work, I guess so couldn’t message – but he’s back at work now. If you remember when he used to message me in the shower or toilet – a cheeky message or 2, I’m sure he could’ve found some time to message me a proper goodbye, if he really loved me like he said he did…

I tell him that I feel stupid for emailing all that stuff, but I wanted him to know that I held back so much because he was already with someone, but in the email, I didn’t hold back at all. I let him know how much I loved him & that I had visions of marrying him, visions of his kids with us, him living in my house… That we would make our own… He tells me that it was very heartfelt, he had the same fantasies & that I don’t often show the vulnerable side of me. Which is true, I mean he was in a relationship the whole time, so I was guarded & keeping a guard up because I was protecting myself… I had to protect myself. Imagine how destroyed I’d be right now if I didn’t… I mean it’s bad enough as it is!

He tells me that his hours have changed at work on Tuesday nights so he wouldn’t have been able to see me at all & that he was holding me back… I mean when he was on annual leave & we still saw each other, we would have made something work – so he’s just making excuses now. He asks me if I got laid yet, which I haven’t… I haven’t even been able to make myself cum at this point because I can’t think of anyone else but Noodle’s face at the moment, so I haven’t done anything at this point…

Noodle love kills.png

I ask the question I’ve been burning to know… You probably have too “So how did she find my undies anyway?” Why haven’t I asked this yet?! I assume she was snooping in his gym bag & found them, brought them into their living room & held them asking who’s are these… “I left them on top of the fridge” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Why would he put them on the fucking fridge… Were they in a bag or a container or something? Did this guy want to get caught or what? “Thinking she is short she wouldn’t find them. Big mistake. Haha” The fridge? I mean what the actual fuck really… He said they were just on the fridge, bright green lace panties on his fridge… Fuck he’s an idiot!

He told her that he met me at the gym, which was stupid really, because I’m certain that he won’t be allowed to go again now. He said his partner has been ok while he was at home still on paternity leave, but now that he’s back at work she’s gone a little nuts, messaging him all day & not happy when he doesn’t reply quick enough. Says that she’s tracking his phone more than ever, as she’s home on maternity leave while he is back at work. I feel sorry for both of them. That’s no way to live!

When Noodle confirms with me that he told her that he wasn’t in love with me & that we were only fucking for 3 months – he figures that we only loved each other for 3 months so everything before that didn’t matter, I want to hit him. I fucking hate that he told her that, I mean I understand why, to save face with the mother of his children. I knew that he would lie to her, but fuck me, that fucking hurts me like hell, by trivialising what we had. My first love dissolved into a 3 month meaningless affair to him.

Also why is he telling me this, I mean we’ve always been honest with each other, but is he trying to hurt me? Is he doing this on purpose to make me hate him or is it just that we told each other everything & so he continues the honesty? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But fuck, I do want to know. I want to know what lies she’s been told. I feel so sorry for her, I truly do. Not only has her life been a lie for so long, when she knew something was going on but he lied to her face the whole time & now he’s lied to her even more but she thinks he’s being so honest with her. What’s even more perplexing to me, is why I still want to be with the man! A liar…

He tells me that she keeps offering to have a 3sum with me… WTF! (As if I would ever fucking do that!) He tells me that he never told her we had one with Sweetie. Another fucking lie… He tells me that she just wants to compare herself to me… I mean I get that, I know what she looks like & honestly can see what the attraction to me was for him. She’s not ugly at all but without being a big head, I am more attractive & have a better body – however she has had 2 kids. She isn’t ugly though at all… She has lips I’d kill for. Hahaha.

He tells me that she also found my phone number on their iPad from the last time I saw Noodle, where he was asked to send a picture to her of him at the gym. We’d text each other to my work iPhone to see if the live picture thing worked with old photos, which it did. I’m android on my personal phone that was the only time he ever used my work number. He didn’t know that the text message would be on his iPad… Fuck, now I have to wait for her to message me on my fucking work phone! Jesus… I’m surprised she hasn’t done it already!

He tells me that “She’s been asking me all afternoon to meet up with you & ask for a 3sum tho.” OH WOW… She’s been asking him to meet me? Yet only a few weeks ago he was told not to see me or message me as part of the “conditions.” Now she’s willing to let him meet me?! I guess she doesn’t know that he was in love with me or how long it went on for, he’s lied about that… She just thinks we were sex & that Noodle was unhappy with their sex life. So right now, she’s doing everything she can to satisfy him in the bedroom… I tell him that we need to meet obviously to get my keys back, I don’t want him to drop them off because I don’t need her to be tracking his phone when he drops them off. I tell him that I will meet him. He says he won’t use the keys but he doesn’t want her to know where I live either. I agree that I know he won’t use the keys, I am not worried about that, I mean I want him to use the keys to come live with me, but since we’re over, I can’t have him keeping them because it’s doing my head in thinking about him rocking up. At least if he doesn’t have keys, he’ll have to message me at least to come over.

The next day, I have finally slept! A decent night sleep! Noodle chats to me again in the morning & asks if it’s made it better or worse for me, talking to him again. I tell him the truth, it is worse but also better (I’ve slept!). I hated being cut off & not knowing what was going on – as much as I don’t want to hear the answers, I’m kind of glad to get some answers. He tells me that it scares him to see me or talk to me because he’s still in love with me & never wanted to lose me as a friend. Which I agree, I stupidly want him as a friend too, I mean I still want him more than a friend, but right now, I need to still be talking to him because it’s not over for me. He tells me that he’s surprised I’m even chatting to him that he thought I would hate him & be over him… Well clearly he doesn’t know me at all, if he thinks that. His self esteem is either worse than I ever imagined or I loved him more than he loved me…

Noodle asks if anyone in the groups has said anything, I tell him that everyone was pretty good to me about it, supportive & some even thought we were actually a couple & didn’t realise we were having an affair. Even though we officially didn’t tell many people on the chat app, that we were seeing each other, people still worked it out. It wouldn’t be hard, we were in all the same groups & pretty much chatted at the same time. I tell him “Sweetie wanted to come to your work to talk to you… & also wanted to find your partner to tell her she fucked you.” That would just cause so much shit, but I secretly wish that that happened! I think she has a right to know, but I also don’t want to be the one to destroy his life.

Noodle tells me that he considered me his girlfriend… OMG, did I have a boyfriend? I didn’t even realise I did… He tells me that he loves us both, but wants me more – I can’t believe that right now, he says that he thinks about me more but he didn’t know what else to do but he tells me that he’s been holding me back for so long. Which again I don’t agree with!

I ask him about something that has been eating at me, why didn’t I ask more questions about his family… I won’t go into details because I respect Noodle (regardless of how he’s treated me!) but I get the details about the tragedy that rocked his family when he was really young & for some reason, I am so glad I asked… He makes more sense now why he doesn’t want to leave his kids full time. But also just so you all understand, the things that happened to Noodle are why he has serious self esteem issues & never thinks I am good enough for him.

I can’t help myself but spill the beans about the other stuff going on in my life, I tell him that I am upset because my godmother has just passed away & all I want from him is a hug to make me feel better. I have been away for work again, which sucks – because I’m fully alone, in the hotel thinking! He says that I always did struggle being away – but now it’s worse.

I don’t want to dwell on all this shit, so I just ask when I can meet him to get my keys, he asks if I want to just meet & get my keys or if I want to talk. I ask if he can meet me for his lunch break which he says he could probably come out for half an hour. I agree to meet up with him tomorrow at work!

FUCK. Am I ready to see him again? Can I see him again? Is this a big mistake? Should I even go though with this?!

#IBD4U