Silverlining #4

We’re still continuing this pretence that we don’t know its each other. The more Silverlining tells me not to blame myself for my Epic Love failing, the more I think it’s Noodle. The chemistry with this stranger is too much to be just a random guy. I never chat like this with anyone… I mean if this isn’t him, I am going to be more surprised than if it’s him at this point!

Silverlining picks up that I am awkward because Motocross is awkward, which is true… I mean he walks in not kissing me hello so I struggle to kiss him hello. He tells me that I do sabotage relationships & that I’m independent.

I agree with him, I don’t need someone, I have talked about this before in Want vs Need but I tell him that a man should see me being a strong woman as a privilege “Someone they should fight for. Not some needy, game playing woman who would crumble like a piece of paper if they left them. How pathetic. But apparently that’s what I need to become, according to you. Some needy, pathetic, game playing woman manipulating a man to be with me… I’d rather be single & know a man wants to be with me than it was just I was best at playing the game.” He tells me that that’s not what he said, but I have said a lot of that as a stab at his partner…

Now lets all be clear about Noodle’s partner too, I do not judge her for wanting to be with him at all. I do not think she is stupid, I think she is someone who made some desperate moves when she saw her family crumbling. I cannot judge her for wanting to keep her family together, or wanting to be with the man she loves, I still want to be with him too – so I’m no different. We have that in common. However, I do judge her actions following finding out about me. I didn’t set Noodle free to see if he’d come back to me or whatever that saying is. I set him free because like I just said to Silverlining, I want a man to be with me because that’s what he wants, not because I tricked him into it. I mean I thought of all the things I could do to get Noodle to stay with me, fake a pregnancy, attempt a suicide myself… But what would that have done? I would always be thinking, is he with me because I did that or does he truly love me & want to be with me? I’d rather be single a sleep well at night knowing I didn’t force a man to stay with me with threats & stunts. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it… I still do sometimes! But there’s a difference, I wouldn’t ever do anything like that.

When Silverlining tells me that I will find love again, that I shouldn’t worry… All that usual cliche bullshit, I tell him that he musn’t have felt an earth shattering love like I had & that’s why I don’t think we get that type of love twice in our lives. He says that people divorce all the time & find new love so he’s sure I will find it again. He says ‘Did angels sing when this guy walked the earth or something?’ The sticking out tongue emoji screams Noodle. I reply ‘Yeah you don’t get it. You said yourself you are always trolling online for friendship so you haven’t had it to understand. It’s ok that you haven’t, I can’t explain it.’ One of my biggest fears, even though Noodle said it first, was that he didn’t really love me, my mum said to me at the end when I finally told them that he used me & didn’t love me. I don’t know if she said that to help me get over him but it stuck with me, I mean I already had thought those thoughts so I’m not blaming my mum, just saying that I thought them & didn’t think other people with thinking the same thing too!

Silverlining says that I make him sound so losery, yeah well he does sound losery at this point when he says “I have fallen madly in love before too !” I don’t know why that makes me catch my breath. If this is who I think it is, is he talking about me or someone else?!

SIlverlining toxic trait

I am questioning if this guy has fallen madly in love, I mean what is he doing on here if he is madly in love right now?!” You have a partner yet your trolling online for friendships, you even said that yourself. Doesn’t sound like you’re in love at all, let alone madly in love” I am not sure this is a good line of questioning, I don’t even want to hear him lie that he is madly in love with his partner.

Silverlining tells me that he has indeed been in love & fallen madly in love, I still doubt that. He says that Motocross seems like he only messages me after I’ve message him, like he does is as an exchange. I guess he could be right there. He says a true guy will message you every chance he gets. Which I agree, I mean I used to message Noodle 100 times a day & this guy is doing the same. However like I explain, I say that I don’t want a texting relationship again, I’ve been there done that. I tell him that I am fucked up & so is Motocross, from what he’s said to me, that I just think that we both are just too scared to show any emotion. He just says if we’re both getting what we want, then there’s no issue. I mean I wish I could believe that… I want more from Motocross, the main thing I want from him is honesty. I mean as if he has bought his brother a $90k car with money he had in a backpack!

I ask him why he isn’t with the person he’s madly in love with, to which he replies that he never said he wasn’t in love with who he’s with, however life gets complicated sometimes. I tell him that I tried to help my Epic Love & he didn’t want the help, so I am not prepared to try to fix Motocross, it’s not my style anyway, I am not interested in fixing a man. Silverlining says that “I fell for something I couldn’t have more along the lines” Can there be any doubt left that this isn’t Noodle!? Jesus… He has said that he doesn’t understand how someone can be madly in love but not express it. Well I mean I did express it with Noodle, I just was a fuckwit about it. “Yeah well that was the problem, wasn’t it. I couldn’t say the words to his face, I’d message the heart emoji instead of saying love. When push came to shove, my own inability to open up destroyed it. He didn’t believe me & took a different path.” I explain that I think I am doing similar with Motocross, like I am being awkward, he’s being awkward, & I’m not opening up, not asking the questions I should be asking Motocross. He says he doesn’t get the Epic Love thing without show affection “Hard to explain. Clearly you’ve never felt an epic love story even if you think you’ve fallen madly in love before… We were very sexual so it was a feeling we both had. Touches, looks, passion, kisses, chemistry… But that song ‘more than words’ is bullshit. You should say it all the time. I wish I said it every time I saw him. Not just using the stupid emoji because I was protecting myself. I was in denial the whole time that I was loveable” In a way I still am in denial, that’s why I am pushing this guy to tell me that I am loveable, because of who he represents. He asks if we ever said it face to face. I am reminded that the only time we actually said I love you to each other in person, was the last time we ever saw each other. I start to get sad about it & just say that it’s a long fucked story. He says it’s probably not good for me to talk about it – like he can somehow sense that I am fucking getting depressed… FUCK, only Noodle could tell my mood via text, no one has ever picked up on my moods before just from the way my texts read. He says I’m very interesting & teasing him with snippets of this Epic Love story. He keeps pressing & I snap “It was the first time I’d ever been in love… Alright. You happy now You got me to admit that?” He just says that I am confusing but keep giving him tidbits that change his stance about me & Motocross. He tells me that I shouldn’t be asking scum of the earth ‘internet men’ for advice, which I say that I am taking with a grain of salt anyway, He says that I seem worth hitting on “You can tell you’re a little cheeky, little bit flirty , you seem fun and honest and your also a self confessed best fuck ever. So I’m trying my best not to hit on you.” He even asks if I struggled to show affection with my Epic Love. I explain how we started out, EL & I (As I start to nickname him) as friends, as fuck buddies that we had limited time together so it was always for sex. I say that the very first time & the very last time were the only 2 times I saw him & didn’t fuck him. I say we were always naked so I didn’t have to show him affection. I say that MC (As I start nicknaming Motocross to Silverlining) met online dating & have dated but not had as much sex as EL & I had. But they were different circumstances, that doesn’t mean that MC isn’t into me? Right…

Silverlining ask still if I never showed affection to EL, like did we never kiss or cuddle. “Yeah we hugged & kissed, cuddled after sex but I didn’t get much time with him that wasn’t sex to show affection TBH. So of course I can show affection, but genrally always waited for him to kiss me first. We never held hands, After we ended I realised that & I wished I had held his hand. Just always thought there would be more time.”

We talk more & he says that I just need to put myself out there again. I mean I have had a lot of sex since Noodle, trying to get over him, trying to find someone who just a hint of what passion & chemistry we had, but I haven’t even come close to finding it. He tells me to put myself out there & show this guy some affection that it might change things, but I need to try, he asks why I can’t. I hold my breath as I hit send on my reply “Because the pain of being hurt was excruciating… He begged me to stay friends with him only a few months before we ended, was pissed when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him but then when he was done, he cut me off completely. Radio silence.” I know he sees it his way by saying that he thinks we mutually decided not to be friends, but I don’t see I that way. I remember Noodle cracking the shits when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him, but remember the morning I was waiting for him to come back online all weekend after she found my panties, he came back online for about an hour to say goodbye, then logged off, leaving me with questions & just went about his life like I didn’t exist! This is when I am reminded that chatting to a Noodle-a-like is not a good fucking idea… FUCK!

#IBD4U

Silverlining #3

So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.

I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!

I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.

SIlverlining learn to wait

The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!

This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.

I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!

His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.

He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.

#IBD4U

Motocross #21

Apologies for not posting this at 8:00am like I should’ve, I forgot I hadn’t finalised it & got home late (Not from a date! Hahaha) & just couldn’t make myself do it… So here it is, a little later in the day than usual, but also a little longer than usual too but better late than not at all!

Reading though the Silverlining texts to write that part of the story, I’ve realised that there are a bunch of things that I have forgotten to tell you about Motocross… I don’t think they really matter at this point as it’s not pivotal but it’s still as he says #Interesting. Most of you are all hoping it works out, but some of you are wanting me to get rid of him – you’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens I guess… But while I didn’t write about our conversations face to face (mainly because I don’t remember everything we’ve said) it doesn’t mean we didn’t talk or go deeper – I don’t write every single detail, of course. I realise now that I made a couple of jokes about Motocross’ spelling & that’s about the time that he stopped texting me as much, maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to text me, but I’d made a joke (& while I have spelling & grammar mistakes in my blog – generally from typing too fast not because I don’t know how to use it or spell & then my eyes skim over it when I re read it to edit it) I know he knows that I’m probably book smarter than him. Maybe that intimidated him & why he backed off from texting?!

Also he talked about how he owns the place in California – the house he lives in that apparently has a motorbike on his mantel piece – he’s very sentimental, he says he’s kept every helmet he’s ever used & they have a new one for each race. He also says that he also owns a holiday place in Florida where a bunch of other bike riders own too & they all have jet skis, he has a boat & of course he has a bunch of dirt bikes there plus more memorabilia. Again with the flaunting money & assets, I mean I tell him I have kayaks – which probably cost me under $500 for the two of them & all the accessories as they’re second hand! It makes me uncomfortable & almost inadequate. I know that women usually earn less than men & are happy with that, but I have never been with someone who seemingly is this fucking rich! I don’t even own my own car as I have a work car.

Motocross supicious

Also this is an epic tidbit that I forgot this because I mean – WHAT THE FUCK – but Motocross is in Brisbane one weekend & wanted to be back here for a race in Murray Bridge on the Sunday afternoon, he was in Brisbane doing the demons & it finished late in the night so he chartered a flight, yes you read that right, he chartered a flight. His dad’s friend apparently has a plane & was willing to bring them back here on Saturday evening after curfew (we have an 11:00 pm curfew for commercial jets in Adelaide) so he could race on Sunday. Okay so I know what you’re thinking, because I am thinking who the fuck has the money to charter a jet, I google how much it costs, approx. $20k. He made that over a weekend once, winning the race, so what’s a cool $20k to someone like him? Chump change! Well this is certainly not my reality, I scrape by sometimes, living pay cheque to pay cheque to set myself up for the future. I can’t really believe he’s chartered a jet, but like I said before, I’ve never dated a guy who could afford something like that… & if he’s lying about it, why?! I don’t care if he charters a jet. I mean it doesn’t impress me at all, it makes me uncomfortable… I barely had the $50 for bowling the other night, had to put it on a credit card, let alone chartering a private jet!

Does this make him a cheapskate because he hasn’t paid for as much as I have? Do we believe him that he even did this? If we don’t believe him, why would he lie about it? I’ve already fucked him & been seeing him for a couple of months, not trying to impress me to get me into bed?! If we do believe him & obviously didn’t try to pay for bowling, do you think it’s because he wants to make sure I’m not a gold digger?! Maybe previous girlfriends have been after him for his money?! But then why talk about money at all… I never talk about it if I can help it. URGH, overthinkers anonymous here I come!

So back to the story line, Motocross left our interaction or relationship whatever this is, pretty damaged from that bowling date, that I am not contacting him. He says he’ll text, so he either will or I am done with this shit. I can’t even be bothered anymore. But much to my surprise, Motocross does message me on Friday just before lunchtime says “Hey how’s your day going?” FUCK. Why does that make me smile like a loser?! Grrrr… I say a couple of hours later that I’ve been busy, the day is shit & ask how the show is – knowing he is there riding today… He takes another couple of hours to write back & says that he is busy too, the show is busy etc. I tell him that I am at work drinks then going a book launch (which was Writer) & he says to enjoy the night. I end up messaging later after the book launch, around 9:30 pm, saying have a safe flight etc. I don’t get a reply.

So we all know the Royal Adelaide Show sighting that has left me reeling, but I am also feeling like a douche because my little seven year old nephew is somehow now obsessed with the stunt bike riders, he tells me in the car on the way to the show that we are going to watch both bike shows. They have two shows per day, which Motocross is in during the week, apparently but he’s away on the weekends doing Crusty Demons, so he’s not at this show today as it’s Saturday. My nephew makes us watch both bike shows & the cars, saying how much he loves this scooter rider as well, Willy something. We watch the shows, I cringe the whole time hoping they don’t fall off & tell my sister about Motocross, my nephew asks & I say that one of my friends is usually riding in the show & I don’t tell him but I actually wish that Motocross was here as I would get him to come to talk to my nephew, he would be so excited! Later on my nephew uses my YouTube account to watch motocross racing, this Willy scooter boy & other stunt riders. Now every fucking suggestion on my YouTube is motorbike crashes or stunt riders. How embarrassing will that be if Motocross sees it one day?! FUCK. Hahaha.

On Monday after radio silence from Motocross all weekend, I am of course chatting to Silverlining & he is showing more interest in me than the guy I’ve been seeing for months, I am driving to Port Augusta for work for a few days, I am glad to be away TBH. My mum & dad are also working at the show so they’ve sourced me a free ticket, I am back Wednesday from this trip & thought maybe Wednesday night I would go to the show & meet up with Motocross. I am going to make this happen so I take matters into my own hands. I message & ask how his weekend was etc, usual text, he replies “Hey was just thinking bout you.” Awww, why the fuck does that make me smile like a wanker? He also says he is enjoying the show etc & replies to part of my message from Friday saying he’s glad I’m responsible. I tell him about my nephew being obsessed with the bike show plus the scooter dude & say I wish he was there to meet him & he says that he’s sorry he wasn’t. I tell him that I have a free ticket so I was thinking of coming to see him Wednesday night when I’m back in Adelaide. I tell him to let me know if he has time off between the shows & if I should come because otherwise I’ll give the ticket away if I won’t use it he says “I’d like to say yeah but will I’d have to see tho plus it’s meant to be raining and then we don’t ride so kinda hard to say sorry” I ask though if he’ll be there even if it’s raining, because we could hang out regardless, surely they don’t just go home when it starts raining?! They’d have to be there no matter what right? He says that he probably won’t be there & so I say “Geez you’re making it hard… Don’t have to see you at the show, just thought since I had a spare ticket…” He says “I’m sorry I promise I’ll let you know tomorrow then yeah” I am suspicious not for the first time with this guy but this is the most suspicious I’ve been… Of course I don’t hear from him at all Tuesday as promised & I just don’t even give a fuck anymore… Whatever, this is fucking weird, I don’t know what his deal is. I have Silverlining swooping in & chatting to me, actually showing interest in me – why do I need to bother with Motocross who clearly isn’t into me at all & lying his ass off!

At breakfast at the hotel on Wednesday before I head home, I am speaking to Silverlining of course & annoyed about the whole Motocross thing that I just text dad & let him know he can give the ticket away – I’m obviously not going to the show to see him. But then as I hit send, Motocross messages at 8:20 am to ask if I am going to the show, well what a fuckwit, I was only going to see him, I’ve been with my sister & kids, I am not planning on going for any other reason, which is what I basically say at almost 11:00 am. He replies almost right away saying that it’ll probably be cancelled tonight. I tell him when I get back to Adelaide that I am home & if he’s not at the show then he could come over being he’ll be free… He says yes that if it’s cancelled, he’ll come see me for sure – I don’t write back, what is with this guy?! I decide to go to the gym as usual, during the weights class I see on my watch his cute little face & a message “Hey you home” I am obviously not home & can’t reply, just before the class finishes about 30 minutes later, he calls me which I can’t answer either but it makes me smile like a tool at the fact he’s messaged & called me to try to see me tonight, my mum also calls me around the same time & I can’t answer either call.

After the gym at 8:00 pm, I call Motocross back & say I am on my way home to give me a few minutes but come over at 8:30 pm. I then call mum back too, she asks if I am at the show as she wants to see me, I say no but she asks what my bike riding friends name is, I laugh & say I am not telling her because I don’t want her to talk to him & then I say “It doesn’t matter anyway as he’s not there because they cancelled the show” There’s a weird silence, I ask if she’s still on the phone with me & she says “Um, I’m watching them ride now #IBD4U” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I hate when your parent uses your name that way too, you can just imagine a mum saying to you, she doesn’t want to break my heart but knows I need to know, they say your name quietly. I try to dismiss it, saying that’s weird he said it was cancelled & I act all nonchalant & say that it doesn’t matter anyway as he’s on his way to my house, so I’ll ask about it when he gets there.

By the time Motocross gets to my house, I feel like my head is going to explode with questions. I don’t want to blurt them all out, I need some time to process this before I snap & come across accusatory. I turn on YouTube & he notices that my fucking suggestions are all about motorbikes, that I have to explain that my nephews were watching on the weekend. I try not to over explain so I don’t look like I’m lying, I’ve told him about my nephew liking the Willy scooter guy & Motocross tells me that he knows this kid as they used to do Nitro Circus together & he’s messaged him to ask him to sign something for my Nephew! OMG… That is so fucking sweet, I tell my sister but we don’t say anything to my nephew obviously because I don’t know if either guy will come through with the goods so I just tell Motocross that it’s heaps sweet of him to do & he says that the Willy kid owes him a favour so it’s ok.

It’s almost like Motocross or the universe knows I want to talk but needed time to process my thoughts about this whole show thing, I mean I was only going to see him & he acted all weird about it, he also said it was cancelled but my mum was at the actual show watching the bike riders… Or is it that I am getting closer to finding out that everything Motocross has told me is a load of fucking bullshit? It’s not even 10:00 pm & Motocross looks at his watch & says that his dad has been calling & just messaged & said to come home. He doesn’t bring his phone with him so he only has the message on his watch. He says that he doesn’t know what this is about & will go home to find out but will come back. Couple of things here – why didn’t he just call his dad to ask what is wrong rather than leaving. Also ages ago his phone was broken due to being in water yet he doesn’t have his phone here now & is sending & receiving text messages but couldn’t message me that weekend?! FUCK.

Motocross literally runs out the door so fast, no hug or even a proper goodbye but he says that he will come back shortly. I say no worries but as soon as he leaves, I get into my pjs & get into bed, he is 100% not coming back! I feel it in my gut. I just know it… I feel like an idiot…

#IBD4U

Silverlining #2

The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!

I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!

I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.

Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.

I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!

When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.

Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!

Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.

He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.

I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…

Silverlining best thing i ever felt

I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…

Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.

So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!

I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.

Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…

I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.

At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!

#IBD4U

Motocross #20

Just FYI – if you skipped over Sundays Silverlining blog post because you wanted a Motocross post, then I suggest you go back & read it before you read this one, it is important to the #IBD4U story! Trust me, you probably need to read it before you read anything else!

One thing I also forgot to tell you, is that Motocross told me about a house he was looking at buying, I can’t help but think this is a good sign, I ask if he’s looking at moving back here & he says that’s always the plan. I can’t help but think if this goes well, we can do long distance or something for a while, or I could live in America – would be good to get away from Adelaide for a while. He tells me that the house he’s found has a pool & is in a small town in the Adelaide hills. We sort of don’t linger on the topic but the next day I look it up on the internet – like a fuckwit, there is only one house with a pool in that town on the real estate website & it’s a fucking god damn mansion! I am literally floored at the fucking house… It’s got a horse stable, a vineyard, an infinity pool, the whole house is remodelled, it’s absolutely stunning, a fucking dream house! I show a couple of people at work, including my boss – who starts planning the house warming party (He’s worse than me! Not that I’m denying planning where my amazing furniture would go in this house! Hahaha…) WTF as if a guy I am dating could afford this?! This type of house is not in my reality at all… I mean most of my friends have houses, nice houses but not dream houses! I have no idea what the price is because it’s only open by appointment & the price isn’t listed. FUCK. It kind of makes me uncomfortable at how much debt I have & how much money he has. I mean I am lucky & in a good position in my life, I have a house & an investment property however I’m in a fuck ton of debt! But this actually kicks my butt to get my finances sorted – while I still have mortgages, I work really hard while dating Motocross to pay off my afterpay & credit card so I have some savings. I mean I am going to Queensland in a few weeks too! I plan to do a lot of shopping!

Motocross also tells me that is car that he drives is worth about $75k. It’s a older Holden Commodore ute thing. Now I know cars a little so I know it’s a nice car, but fuck if that car is worth $75k, then I’m a monkeys uncle! He also tells me that he has a BMW van, which he does drive to my house one night, I don’t ever really see it but I notice his car key when he puts it down. As he generally only brings one key in & doesn’t bring his phone or wallet.

This is also about the time I write the What the fuck is there to do in Adelaide? blog (Do you remember that one!? It was about Motocross – if you haven’t already joined those dots. Hahaha.) I didn’t want to keep just hanging around my house, especially since we aren’t having a lot of sex anymore, that I write that post asking you what we can do & I start planning some fun dates. Unfortunately he’s always away on the weekends so we have to do after work things – which limits things but it’s still better than watching YouTube & listening to music 3-4 times a week.

I don’t hear from Motocross Wednesday or Thursday so I message when I get home on Thursday night after work & ask if he wants to do dinner before bowling, he says yeah that he’s just leaving the city now. After chatting to Silverlining about this date, I decide to put on my favourite lingerie, not that Motocross will probably notice, but I put it on anyway to make me feel better. I am going to make a move tonight! Yes, I can do it!

Motocross gets to my house about 6:30 pm, I’ve booked online the bowling alley but my friend at work told me he needs to absolutely pay for bowling. That he owes me, I’ve paid for everything & he keeps boasting about his money that he needs to pay. I don’t have a lot of money as it’s the end of the fortnight & I really want steak so I take him to a new steak house near my house but there is a fucking quiz night on! I literally laugh my head off at the fact we’re trying to go somewhere with a fucking quiz night again, it’s freezing outside & I suggest we sit outside or try the fancy burger joint up the road. He doesn’t have a jacket (& is shivering) but we walk up the road to the burger place & as we order, he stands back so I pay for me own & then he steps up & pays for his… I am all for paying my own way, you know I’m an independent woman with a mortgage & an investment property, I do not need a man to pay for anything for me – ever. However this man has bragged about a $90k car he’s just bought his brother, he’s talked about a mansion he’s potentially buying, he’s told me that he wins $20k per weekend at the races, so surely this guy can fork out the $20 for my dinner?! That’s ok, I’ll somehow get him to pay for the 2 games of bowling which is almost $50. Yes he can pay for the bowling!

We eat awkwardly at a stool, there are no tables & it’s messy so I try so hard not to look like a slob with burger all over my face. We eat then I drive us to the bowling alley, there is about 5 people in there, I was expecting it to be more packed but it’s not. I stand at the counter checking in while Motocross stands back & I pull out my card to pay for the bowling, which I can’t really afford, because he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket again. I have to put it on my credit card. It puts a dampener over the evening for me, I was expecting a cheeky night where we sit next to each other between bowls & chat or kiss… But he sits at the other end of the bench that I sit at & I think he couldn’t possibly get any further away from me if he tried.

I bowl first & get a strike, acting all coy about being reasonable at this game. Between shots we don’t touch or act cheeky like I have went bowling before – remember Fireman?! When I went bowling with him we sat close, we touched, we were cheeky – it was like a proper date. However it was darker at that bowling alley, it’s bright as fuck in here, with every fluro overhead light that is possible being on. It’s not really date sort of lighting, lets put it that way. Motocross asks me if I want a drink, I say yes & he comes back with a giant cup of soda that I assume he’s only going to buy me one beer! Between shots, he starts playing with his phone a lot, standing behind the partition that holds all the bowling balls, so much so that it makes me suspicious & I ask him what he’s doing, he stays he’s getting messages about this weekend’s show & riding at the Royal show which is starting tomorrow. Stuff he has to sort out. He apologises but my mood has taken a further nose dive. I shut down & barely speak, thinking this guy is just not into me. Silverlining is right, I mean I am invested with this guy & he clearly isn’t into me at all!

I feel like a fucking idiot, I am wearing lingerie, I am really interested in this man & he couldn’t give a fuck about me… Why do I feel so stupid… Yet another man has used me for whatever purpose…

Motocross do i want you

When we drive home, he plays with his phone in the car, I am in more of a mood, I mean he made me drive, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket for anything yet constantly talks about money, I’ve never been with a guy who talks as much about how much things cost as Motocross does. I don’t even think I’ve told him I own my house – actually I think I did tell him I own my house but don’t think he knows about my investment. I did so an experiment once to tell men that I rented, that I didn’t have a mortgage because apparently I am too independent. However it makes no difference. What is this with Motocross? Are we friends?! Can we even be considered friends at this point?

He comes in, which actually surprises me tonight. I get even grumpier because I get the feeling we’re not going to have sex as well. I am certainly not making a move on him tonight & I think he can pick up on my vibe. I want him to go. But I mean the only thing that will turn this around now, is if we have sex.

We sit around talking for an hour or so listening to youtube music videos. He has at least put his phone away & is paying attention to me. We’re talking about how he’s riding at the Royal show all week & then the weekend he’s away for crusty demons then he’s back riding at the show. I yawn a lot & try to give signals that I want him to leave – this is a new development for me, I have never wanted a man to leave. I mean I want him to stay because he wants to stay, but as soon as he says he should go, I just up, ready to say goodbye. Normally I take a while to get off the couch or he has to pull me up to hug me, tonight, I am ready to for him to leave. I feel deflated & stupid. I have worn my favourite lingerie to make myself feel better & to see if his eyes pop when he sees me in it – just like Noodle would, but he’s been more interested in his phone that I think I am just his friend.

He hugs me goodbye, even longer than usual, I try to pull away quicker but he hangs on, like he knows I am not happy but doesn’t know what to say… He doesn’t sent a date to see me again, he says he’ll text tomorrow, I say sure. I think he can sense the tone of the evening & knows I am really pissed. I mean it’s 11:00 pm & he’s leaving, without sex, without a kiss, without another prospect of a date… I am shutting down & I don’t even care if he can tell or not to be honest. I am not contacting this guy again, if he’s keen, he’ll be true to his word & message tomorrow, if he’s not, then I’m ok with that.

Or am I just putting on a brave front because I think this man is not into me & pulling away?

#IBD4U

Silverlining

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

Silverlining meant to lose you

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U

Motocross #19

When I wake up I decide not to write back straight away to Motocross’ message saying that he’s changed his flight, I mean I am not sure I believe it. But is it so unbelievable that a man would want to change his flight so he could see me?! Or do I just not believe any of what this guy is telling me because I can’t google him & he should be easily googled from info that he’s told me about his occupation?!

I make him (for a change) wait till almost 11:00 am for my reply “Hey sorry I was asleep when I got your message. I have a hair appointment tonight so will be home about 9-9:30 if that’s ok?” he says it sounds good. We don’t talk again for the rest of the day. After my appointment, I send him a message that I’ll be home in the next 10 minutes. He replies instantly “Sounds good I’ll be inside you in 20” with a poking out tongue emoji. FUCK finally! I say that I hope so & he says “Lol it’s happening” Maybe it isn’t just friends for him?

I walk in the door, turn on the heater, grab a beer & shortly after Motocross knocks on the door. Really, he’s still knocking, unless I tell him the door is unlocked he knocks?! Anyway whatever, lets not dwell on that… He gets to my house & I kind of expect to be pushed up against the wall in the throws of passion, but he comes in awkwardly & doesn’t kiss me hello, he says something about my hair (at least he says something about my hair!) & we sit on the couch, chatting.

It’s already after 9:30 pm when we sit chatting, both us take turns in getting up to warm by the heater, when he is standing by the heater at one point, I say something about his flight that was supposed to be today & he says that if I had’ve written back to him last night that he would’ve come over then (Murray Bridge is an hour & a half drive from my house – he wouldn’t have got here till after 12:30 am – would he have really come over?!) & his reply said that he had already changed his flight to come over tonight, but he says “Well I changed it cos I wanted to see you.” I sit there unable to look at him thinking how fucking cute that is – smirking like an idiot, I say that quietly & he asks what I said, coming back over to the couch to sit next to me, this time a little closer, I tell him that it’s fucking cute that he changed his flight… I feel like I don’t blush a lot in real life (As you can imagine, I am quite open with a lot of things – blushing isn’t something that happens often) but I am blushing. So it’s not long (but it’s longer than 20 minutes) that Motocross & I lean into kiss each other, both realising we need to make a move at the same time, we kiss & have sex in my bedroom the same way as we have most times we’ve fucked. It’s good & I can’t believe how much I missed it. What a relief.

Laying there afterwards, naked in bed, he says “We should’ve done that 4 times ago” I can’t help but giggle, not only do I agree & wish we had fucked the last few times but how fucking cute is it that he knows how many times he’s seen me that we haven’t had sex!! I ask why didn’t we have sex 4 times & he just says he doesn’t know… I mean I have no excuse for it either, it’s not like we’re tired, He leaves at midnight or later, it’s not that late that we’re so tired we don’t want too. He also tells me at this time that I’m the best at giving head that he’s ever had… I like sucking dick, we all know that… However this guy hasn’t ever gone down on me & he’s still not touched my clit to get me off. Yet I’m still sucking his dick? & he’s not the first guy to tell me that I’m the best they’ve ever had… So I know I am good at it, great even…

He gets up to leave around 1:30 am, giving me that lingering hug at the door & saying he’ll message me tomorrow. Which is also a new development too, saying that he’ll message tomorrow. He usually just plans the next date before he leaves or just hugs me, so saying he’ll message tomorrow is quite new. I also will now stupidly expect a message, I mean if I say I’m going to message, then I will message. So unfortunately for me, tomorrow I will think about nothing else, until he messages me… I almost wish he didn’t say he would message me, because then I can just go about my day & not think about why he hasn’t messaged me.

The next day, I think about him all day. I know his flight to wherever he is going is today, that he changed – I don’t know what time it is though… I still can’t believe I fell for that – is it even true?! Well I’ll never know so we will just give him the benefit of the doubt! I wait for his message & the whole day I jump every time I get a notification on my phone waiting for his fucking message! Fuck you Motocross for saying he’d message! It’s Friday night, I have a work social club event, bowling & laser tag so I am out when I see his name pop up on my watch “Hey how was your day?” Wow he actually messaged me first! I tell him that I’m on my way home & ask how his flight was, he asks how bowling is & I say that I won the game of bowling & came 4th in laser tag. He sounds surprised that I say I’m not that shit at activities. He says that he is surprised but didn’t think I was shit. I tell him that I could kick his ass he replies “haha settle down miss pumping your own tires much” Why the fuck do men call women miss? Especially women older than them. It’s weird! I tell him that I have to pump my own tyres as no one else will! He says that I was good at mini golf & he says about bowling “I thought you might get distracted with balls in hands. True I’d pump ya but not your tires tho” I tell him that he did that last night & it felt fucking amazing, he says he’s keen for more though (tho). Well that’s good to know – I guess. I tell him that I’ll take him bowling & how him how good I am & that I am keen for more too. He says “Yeah that sounds good I’m keen” I ask if he means bowling or sex & he says both. I say good answer & he says correct. I don’t reply as I fall asleep.

We don’t talk again until Sunday when I message to ask how his weekend was & if he won his race. He says that he did (of course!) I tell him that I have been out this weekend for a ride with nephew, he then asks what I’m doing tonight! Finally this dude is making plans. Interestingly when I back off a bit, he seems to realise. I tell him that my family is over & he came come over after, he says ”Yeah sure I can cum” I smirk at that, I message him at 8:20 pm to say my family is going now, but when he’s still not at my house at 8:45 pm nor has he replied, that I send another message. I don’t get a reply but he rocks up 15 minutes later, with no kiss as he walks in but an apology for being later & not replying to my texts.

Motocross waterslide that isn't wet

We sit down on the couch watching music, I prefer to put on music because then we talk. If we watch a dumb movie, we actually watch the movie. Motocross sits closer to me tonight instead of on the other end of the couch, we actually snuggle while chatting, which is also a new development, I’m not a really cuddly person, so I don’t mind not cuddling but this is nice to sit, chat & cuddle for a change. It’s been 6 weeks with Motocross & we’ve been on over 20 dates & we’re finally cuddling on the couch like a couple. While our sex is the same as in his moves are the same, no foreplay besides kissing, it’s also very different, it feels different, more connected perhaps? Motocross tells me afterwards that I am the best he’s ever had. This isn’t new news to me, I’ve been told this before & he’s told me similar before.

When Motocross jumps up to leave, I am perplexed. I do tell him that he can stay over sometimes & he says he definitely will, we have the lingering hug goodbye & he asks what I’m doing Tuesday, am I free to catch up, which I say that I am. Ironically though, he knows I have a high sex drive, he’s told me that he has a high sex drive, we’re obviously moving into a more than friends, more than sex vibe, why doesn’t he want to stay over? Why doesn’t he want to message me more? Is it because he’s leaving for the USA in a couple of months & he’s getting attached already? I don’t know why I can’t ask the questions, I don’t want to ruin then time when we’re together. I also don’t want to be that crazy woman demanding he message me every day & then I become an obligation. I want someone to want to be with me because they want to be with me – not because I give them an ultimatum or pull a stunt!

We don’t message again after that cuddly evening until Tuesday when I message to say I’m going to the gym he can come after he says yeah cool. I message when I get home & he says that he’s just eating so it takes him almost 40 minutes to get to my house at 9:00pm. I have put on music again so we can talk. I am also trying to build up the courage to talk to him about what the fuck is going on with us. He gets all excited about the car that he’s buying his brother this week. He says that he’s never had a brand new car & Motocross is buying him a brand new car, he went to Holden this week to look at cars & has picked one out, he’ll pick it up tomorrow & give it to him. He tells me how it’s a $90k car & he had the cash in a backpack! -WTF?! $90K IN A BACKPACK? Really?! I honestly have no reason to doubt what this guy tells me – to not believe him, but I also find it really hard to believe anything he says to me. Could this even be true?!

It’s like he can sense I want to talk to him about us & the where were going talk, because he says he’s really tired & really sorry but he’s going to go home. He’s been at my house an hour & a half, why did he bother? I guess he didn’t want to bail. He wanted to see me perhaps? So we obviously don’t have sex, we don’t have the talk I was planning, he gives me a lingering hug goodbye & says that he wants to see me Thursday. I say ok & suggest that we go bowling, since we talked about it a few times since I went with work people. He says he’d love that, but also apologising for leaving, walking out about 10:30 pm after getting to mine at 9:00 pm. I need to back away, I am going to get hurt here. I can just feel it.

#IBD4U

Motocross #18

Ok so as you may or may not remember, Motocross said in his profile that he likes mini golf & adventures etc. He’s a motocross/supercross rider so I know that he likes to do some different things. I decide that tonight that I am going to take him to the indoor mini golf pub called Holey Moley in the city. I’m going to show him that I’m fun that I’m not just about sitting at home watching bullshit movies like Sharknado. I message him that I got home early, as I’m going to get my tax done, that I am going to cook us dinner & then instead of watching movies we’re going to the mini golf place (I’ve talked to him about it before asking if he’s been there before or not). He says ok that sounds good. I message him a couple of hours later when I am home from the tax agent & he says he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

True to form, Motocross rocks up at exactly the time he says, I kiss him on the cheek awkwardly when he walks in. We walk into the kitchen as I am making taco bowls, I have cut everything up & put in bowls on the bench, I have sour cream, salsa, avocado, corn, lettuce, tomato, refried beans, mayo, cheese, capsicum & the taco meat. I have gone all out for this guy, probably more than I would put out for my own taco bowls.

I’m dressed in a cute skirt with tights & a top, ready to put my boots on to go out tonight. I am having a beer, because I assume he’ll drive. I give him a bowl & let him make his taco bowl to his liking. Literally he puts a tiny bit of lettuce in the bowl with a bit of meat & cheese. No sauces, no other toppings. I ask him if he doesn’t eat anything else & he says that he likes plain food, I ask if he wants tomato sauce, with a laugh but he says no. I have stupidly been buying him coke too when I go to the shops, I drink sugar free so I have both options in the fridge for him – I offer beer but he takes a coke. We sit & eat dinner chatting on the couch. I seriously can’t believe he is just eating taco meat & cheese. After dinner we head into the city, he gets me to drive because he says he doesn’t know where he is going. I get a rock star park & even show off my amazing reverse parallel parking skills… I know he is impressed because he says something. I have already booked & paid for the mini golf online because I wanted to make sure we got in, it’s usually pretty busy but it is a weeknight, so I’m not sure it’s that busy – it is quite busy for a Thursday.

We go to the bar & buy drinks, he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket so I pay for them & we play the game of mini golf. We play a bit quicker than I have ever played there, however every time I’ve been here it’s been with a big group so it can take a lot of time if they need a bunch of hits to get the ball in. He’s good, but I’m actually not too bad at the game either, however he wins but I am not that far behind him to be honest.

Motocross bad sex bad relationship

It’s not like I expect either, I mean it would be a perfect date to try to help me with my putting or touch me & be cheeky, however Motocross never touches me at all… We go up to the bar for another drink, which he pays for & the guy asks if we want the second course for a discounted price, Motocross says yeah & he pays for the drinks & the discounted course. We play another round. It’s fun & laugh a lot but we don’t touch, god forbid we touch or kiss.

After our second drink & second game we head home. We talk about the mini golf the whole way home, I mean he was super excited the entire trip to the city & now he’s talking about what holes he liked the best & how they had it set up. He also kept our score card & kept going through it on the way home.

I let him out of my car before I go into my carport as the passenger can’t get out with my kayaks on the wall & it’s a tight squeeze. He stands by my front door waiting for me to unlock it, he comes in & I offer him a drink turning on the heater & tv. We both always take it in turns about who stands in front of the heater & we talk a lot to be honest. He stays at my house till midnight but again we don’t have sex! He hugs me goodbye, that lingering hug that makes me feel pretty safe & that this is more than just friends, but also somehow makes me feel like this could be just friendship…

Ok is it weird it’s twice in a row that we haven’t had sex? This is new to me, is it a relationship or are we just friends? I again try not to dwell on it because I don’t want to pressure it either. I mean do I even know what I want? While I like this guy a lot, I like hanging out with him, it is missing something, it is missing the passion – the can’t keep your hands off each other passion that I had with Noodle. There is no way even the times I met Noodle for just lunch when I tried to end it or the times we met, we couldn’t not touch. I do have sexual chemistry with Motocross but do I have the passion? I mean this feels like we’re more than just friends. Are we just friends? Is that all he’s looking for? I mean he’s going back to the USA in October – though he’s also told me November too so who knows, maybe he’s pulling away because of that? Maybe he just wants to be friends?

I decide that I need to pull back from this too, I am getting too invested & he’s putting up barriers, so I decide that I am not going to message him to see what’s up this weekend, we last talked on Thursday after golf, its now Sunday. I don’t remember if he’s home or not, I refuse to message, even though I think about it all weekend. Literally the second my family arrive at my house, I see his little face pop up on my watch, I can’t help but smirk like a jerk at the fact he’s finally messaged me first. Maybe he is into me? Maybe this is more than sex? Maybe this is more than friendship? No guy messages to ask how your weekend was if he just what’s to be friends?!

We talk about our weekends & it’s all very cordial, I talk about how I saw the news with the Sydney show being cancelled & he said that there as no reason for people to be pissed off. I then ask if he wants to come over a bit later as my family are packing up, he says that he’ll see me soon & 15 minutes later he’s at my door, knocking.

He comes in & we talk the evening away, I don’t recall all the conversations we have but I am getting to know this guy a lot better. I talk about my trip to Brisbane, we talk about his trips away for work (riding), we talk about how shit my work is at the moment. We just talk a lot, especially when we’re not watching movies. So I tend to put on YouTube music videos because we learn a lot more about each other when we listen to music. He’s at my house till around midnight, again yet we don’t have sex! FUCK what is going on here?! As he lingers with his hug goodbye, squeezing me tight, he asks what I’m doing on Tuesday night, I say nothing but the gym & he says that he’ll see me then. Do these hugs means something? I know I don’t get men’s cues very good, they need to not be subtle with me, they need to be straight to the point about what they want, I know he can be shy, I am definitely awkward, so we’re not a great match at making moves.

We don’t speak again until Tuesday, I message & ask if he’s coming over as per his hug request, I say that I’ll be home around 8:00 pm, he says that he’ll come on over then, I tell him the door is unlocked, I’m just in the shower. He comes over & we sit around again, chatting listening to music till around midnight when the exact same thing happens, no sex, the lingering hug but no plans to catch up this week – he’s flying out on Thursday sometime so I probably won’t see him till next week. This is exactly 6 weeks since we met online…

I realise on the Wednesday that I am horny & want sex, if I don’t get sex with him tonight it’ll be almost 2 weeks since we had sex, but I’ve seen him 4 times – where we could’ve had sex, I figure I’m going to have to make a move if I want this to happen. Believe me the last 4 times, I’ve thought about it, I’ve tried to make a move but my stupid brain won’t let me. Making me think that he’s just not that into me & we’re just friends… No guy would hang out with someone this often if they are just friends, would they? I mean would you come to someone’s house 3-4 times a week if you just wanted to be friends?

So on Wednesday I message “Hey, I just realised that I probably won’t get to see you till next week, if I don’t see you tonight. So just wondered if you’re free tonight?” I send it at 6:30 pm, so I can still go to the gym if he can’t make it. He replies almost instantly that he’s out at the moment & he’ll try to come around after but he’s at Murray Bridge. I say that’s no worries, I’m off to the gym, will be home around 8:00 pm & he should let me know. After gym I shower as usual & sit around waiting for a message, even a message to say sorry I can’t make it. But nothing comes. I go to bed pretty fucked off, so I can’t sleep at all. I toss & turn all night till just after 11:00 pm I hear a text message come though. I read it “Hey sorry I’m just leaving Murray Bridge now I’m changed my flight till Friday morning so I’ll see you tomorrow night” I fucking hate that I smirk like a wanker at the fact he’s changed his flight, I mean am I that gullible?! Did he really change his flight that late at night to see me? I refuse to write back because he should’ve messaged me earlier to just say sorry he wouldn’t see me tonight – just so I wasn’t sitting around waiting, so now, he can wait, he can feel like the idiot for a change, wondering if he changed his flight for no reason!

I fall asleep pretty quickly, finally able to relax!

#IBD4U

Motocross #17

So my birthday weekend consists of a few drinks with friends at the Switch event on Friday night. I have met a guy at Rope who literally looks half like Noodle & half like Dom Dom, that I am quite attracted to him & we’ve been chatting online about him doing some impact play with me, which he did at the last Switch when I wore the nurse costume. I’m wearing a different costume this time – in line with the theme that makes me feel uncomfortable of Animals. It’s my birthday so I talk to Ripples about being tied as usual at Switch & this other guy, who I’m not sure I’ve nicknamed yet, but he’s tied me before, I’ve talked about before I’m sure & who I would really love to tie with him more.

I’m not sure how I’m going to explain the bruises on my ass from my impact play this weekend to Motocross, he always asks me to flip over & fucks me from behind, I bruise easily & I bruise a lot from impact play – I wish I could show you a picture because sometimes they look amazing (If you’re into bruises I guess) I don’t want to freak Motocross out so I don’t know what I am going to say when I see him next, generally I can have a bruise on my ass for over a week from impact play like this.

Maybe I should explain impact play for you too? Well it can be a sexual thing of course, everything technically can be really if it turns you on. I mean I like being hit & bruised in a sexual way, but at Switch it isn’t about sex, it’s sexual & dominated & fun but I’m not fucking these guys, a bit like Rope, while it can be sexual it’s not with me & the guys that I am doing it with. So impact play, I usually am up against something & then he’ll use toys such as whips, paddles, door stops or even his hand to spank my ass, sometimes my legs… It makes me wince sometimes but it’s a good feeling, oddly. I guess it’s not for everyone of course, but I do enjoy a bit of impact play.

I am not completely drunk but I am tipsy, I have a great night & I go home to sleep it off, waking up with a sore ass in the morning. Saturday comes & goes with nothing from Motocross (Almost forgot this was a post about him! Hahah) I am busy & not really worried about him messaging, I know he’s away with his brother at the moment & also racing.

Sunday comes & goes too, my family come over as usual when I think fuck it, I am just going to message him. I don’t think he was coming back Sunday night like usual, I think he was staying till Monday with his brother so I don’t think he can see me tonight, but I still want to see how his weekend was. I just ask how his weekend was with his bro. “Hey weekend got cut short we only got half a show in before the weather kicked in and it became dangerous to ride so there gonna re set a date to go back catching up with me bro was good thanks. How was your weekend birthday go well hope did you end up hitting town” I had seen on the news – mainly because Facebook keeps popping up crusty demon adverts for me that the Sydney show was cut short. People were heaps pissed about it & it was a big controversy, especially since it was all just plastic seats & people paid hundreds of dollars. “Awww that sucks. Winter probably isn’t the best time to have shows. Yeah birthday weekend was really good. Went out but lost my ATM card. Never lost it before & wasn’t supremely drunk” Out of all the times I have have been so wasted that I am vomiting or unable to stand (I used to be a super messy drunk) but at kink events after I got so drunk that night, I now hate deing drunk & don’t drink as much as I used too. It was like the kick up my ass to not drink to excess anymore. But this night I somehow lost my bank card. “Yeah definitely sucks but all good just gotta go back and do it again soon. Yeah nice I’m good it was really good then. Oooh that’s not good defs not fun losing that” I send him a picture of me & my friend where I look super cute in my costume & tell him I have my new card sorted & that I can pay with my phone so it’s ok. But I never get a reply. Jesus, not this old chestnut.

I decide that I am not going to obsess about it, the next day around lunch time I just send him a cheeky message “Did me as a bug scare you? Hahaha” with an emoji face. He literally writes back within seconds “Huh a bug scare me you still drunk” WHAT? I’m not drunk, what the hell? “Hahaha no, just thought you’d have said something… I figured you’re scared of the dark at my house, that maybe you’re scared of bugs” He says all the time that my house is dark, I never have a lot of lights on mainly because I don’t need too. I assumed he would have written back to my picture message & said something… he says “Hahaha oh nah not even scared lol” I don’t beat around the bush & ask if he’s free tonight or tomorrow, he says that he’s free tomorrow, so I say about 8:30 pm & he says “okay see you then.”

Again I don’t hear from him all day on Tuesday, I don’t message him either. I don’t even message that I am home, assuming he’ll just rock up at 8:30 pm, but he messages at 8:40 pm to ask if I’m home, I say that I’m sorry I assumed he’d just come over. He says that he’ll see me soon & 5 minutes later he knocks on the door & we pass by each other without a hello kiss. When we’re sitting on the couch I ask him about the picture & why he didn’t have a comment about it, I mean I am in a costume, surely he would have something to say about it, I look cute, my cleavage is amazing. He says that he never got it, I think that’s fucking weird, I show him the messages that I sent him & he says that he didn’t get it. He says that he left his phone in the car so he’ll show me later. Now I know what you’re all thinking, what a crock of shit, because that’s what I thought too, I was like he’ll just delete the message & pretend it wasn’t there if & when he shows me his messages… However, as fate would have it I had sent a picture message to a guy at the plumbing store (not a euphemism) before my birthday & I never got a reply, so around this same time I text again asking if he had any luck finding a matching thing I wanted, the plumbing store dude was like who is this? I then speak to him on the phone & he said that he never got my picture message… So apparently something is not right with my phone because it’s not sending pictures. Had I not found that out about the plumbing dude, I wouldn’t have believed Motocross at all. So maybe I am being paranoid about all the other odd things that are making me suspicious?! Maybe there is an explanation for everything & I am just overthinking there to be a problem that isn’t really there?!

Motocross special girl treating like a regular

Interestingly Motocross is at my house till almost 2:00 am that night, however he never touches me & I don’t make a move on him either – of course because I’m like a teenager that can’t make a move on guys, even when I know they like me, he hugs me goodbye, which is a lingering hug & I feel like it’s a bit weird, but he asks what I’m doing Thursday night & wants to see me. I tell him that I’m free as we hug goodbye, my head on his chest, he squeezes & lets me go then leaves. I go to bed & as you can imagine, quite a few things go through my head… So this is the first time we’ve seen each other in the four, almost five weeks since we met, that we didn’t have sex. Lucky we didn’t in a way so I don’t have to explain the bruises on my ass. But considering he was at my house till almost 2:00 am, I can’t understand why he didn’t make a move on me & try to fuck me. Am I just so conditioned to expect a dude to fuck me if he likes me? I start to think that perhaps this is more than just sex for him, he likes hanging out with me too but doesn’t want to be just about sex with me. To be honest, I’ve never dated a guy consistently like this before & not had sex with them. Every guy I’ve dated Origin, Milky, Max, Noodle, Noddy (the main players in my life) & we’ve always met to have sex once we’ve had sex for the first time. Motocross is the first man I’ve dated since obviously my live in Boyrfeiend, that I’ve had sex with & then not had sex with on a date… What does it mean? Also I mean he’s still not sleeping over & I’m reminded of Origin & how many times I asked him to stay over but he didn’t. & surprisingly, after the amazing sex we had last time, I only thought it would get better with him… Not become non existent!

As I said last blog I am basically a 16 year old when it comes to dating so I don’t know what this means, I ask a couple of friends because fuck I am wigging out about this. A few say that it’s ok, it just means that it’s not all about sex, they say it’s a good thing. I mean I would believe that if he slept over. No one says it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t slept over or that we didn’t have sex for the first time, but I can’t help but feel something isn’t right… Am I being friend zoned here? Is he losing interest in me? I mean the texting has dwindled, however he’s still seeing me 3 – 4 weeks for over a month & he’s already locked in the next time to see me.

The next day we don’t talk – again this is ok with me, I am not wanting to be locked into a texting relationship so it’s not as upsetting to me as it once was. I think about what Motocross & I have been doing on our dates. We’ve basically sat at my house every night, watching movies or listened to music before we have sex. We had a few dinner dates & went to the play, but maybe this is getting boring. I mean it is for me. I start planning a fun date for Thursday! I am going to show Motocross what dating me can really be like!

#IBD4U

Guest Blog – Recovery and Reflection – An Introduction

This is a regular reader but first time writer. She is not from Adelaide, so it’s good to also get a different perspective from a different location. This is a very personal story & I am thankful that readers trust me enough to share with me but also trust me to share with you too. It’s always good for me to hear stories from other readers & also  from people in very different places in their dating life than me. 

 

Recovery and Reflection – An Introduction


Break ups hard, everyone has an opinion on your situation and love to tell you them; but here’s the thing, relationships are only really felt by the two that are in them, and even then, I have come to realise that each person’s perspective can be very different. For example, looking back on my marriage, all I remember is feeling scared and being completely owned by him, however if you were to ask him his memory would, and I am guessing, that he worked long and hard hours in mines every day to afford me the freedom to stay home to raise our children, and that I took that for granted. Which I did, to a certain extent, however his idea of how the house and the children were to be kept was very old school. Think 1950’s ideals, as in he was king and the rest of us were privileged to be around him. His mother said many a crazy thing to me, but one was that I should put myself together a bit for when he gets home, a bit of lipstick and everything! I was shocked at the time, but now, as an older woman, I understand that that would have gave him a sense of appreciation and that he wasn’t just a pay check. I wish I knew then what I know now!
I don’t want to claim that I was always a victim, I wasn’t, I thought I was all that when I met my husband, admittedly I was very young and had no idea just how stupid I really was. Shortly after our meeting we were at a social event and someone I grew up with approached me to tell me that she had heard he was very violent and that he had choked a previous girlfriend. I being all that, bounced straight up there and hit with the hard question of whether or not that was true, in his defence he admitted it straight away, making no attempts at hiding the truth. I took this as acknowledgement that he knew it was wrong and wouldn’t do it again, on reflection though what he gave me was a list of excuses on why he did what he did, and I stupidly felt sorry for HIM, and sympathised with HIM, he had just admitted to me readily that he was someone who laid his hands on a woman and I SYMPATHISED WITH HIM! How stupid are 21 years olds? Fair Dinkum!
Anyway, our relationship progressed rather quickly, becoming pregnant unexpectedly followed by an engagement. I was so happy when things were going well, so full of myself, look at me with this handsome man, and he wants me to have his baby and marry him! But then there were the times when they were not great, like, I would be crouched on the floor, crying and scared for my safety. He started by threatening my closest friend, my best mate, being a male, was a major threat in his mind, and he had to get rid of him as soon as he could. He used to threaten to hurt him so bad, and I was filled with guilt that if he got hurt, the blame would rest solely on my shoulders. I did leave a couple of times, before the pregnancy, I made conscious decisions that he wasn’t good for me, but that was the game to him, he would send gift and messages and promise the world and apologise until I once again let my guard down.

Guest Post windscreen
The emotional side of living like this took so much out of me, living in a war zone is tough. So now, being 12 years since I walked out of this relationship I am still trying to heal. Yes, you read that correctly, 12 years later. I have only just realised, this last week, upon heavy corona induced reflection that I am now scared to be attracted to the men I am attracted to. He has made me too scared to trust myself in any way with the opposite sex, and I have only just realised! Talk about slow! But yes, I like manly rough and tough men, alpha’s if you will, but the last alpha I was with destroyed me, but then also gave me two gorgeous kids.
Dating after divorce is tough on everyone, we all have the scars after building a life and having shared a dream with someone. I actually decided, at some stage, that a happy marriage shouldn’t be based on love and lust, that it had to be a sensible decision that you make consciously, and I went on to waste years of time with someone that I just really wasn’t into. Yep, what a knob! Everyone will be shocked to learn that this relationship, also ended! I can hear the gasps now! Haha! But I was so desperate to have another baby, and I had passed the horrible 30 year mark and the ticking and the tocking of that damn clock rang loud in my ears. I picked an ok bloke, he was ok, boring and in 5 years I never met a person that he was friends with, yep, he seriously had no friends. There were so many signs that this relationship should have been a one night stand, but me trying to prove to myself that I was a good partner and good wife just hung on in there. We went on to have that baby that I was desperate for, and I did so in a very grown up business like way this time, planned, talked about, full control. That was honestly my main focus though.
So after growing a set, and realising I can not actually live like that I’m back out in the dating world, very different these days, and with a few kids in tow. Living in a small town makes it even worse, plus how do you measure chemistry online? Seriously, good texters are no indication of whether you will like them in real life, there’s a shock! But meeting people organically doesn’t even seem to happen anymore, my life revolves around children and their activities and are generally including all the happily married couples, you know the types, #soblessed! Haha! I went through a bitter stage where the happily married types drove me nuts, and I was always looking for holes in their relationships, nasty I know, I’m glad I have stopped that. I actually am more defensive of marriage now then ever before. I would never want someone I loved to have to go through a divorce like I did. It’s painful and you miss your children and you feel resentful for the broken promises.
That’s how I know now that I still have so much healing to do, my emotional fluctuations, wanting to be a other half to someone, and realising that I cant just live with someone for the sake of it, that would be worse than another volatile relationship, a relationship where I just settled. There has to be some sort of passion involved, to be in the arms of someone you love is the most amazing feeling in the world, even in the middle of a fight I want a strong man who can come and wrap me up in his arms. But in order to get to that place I need to be able to let myself go and get out of my head. Trust myself that if someone shows the signs that my ex husband did that I know enough now to get out of that situation. It’s a funny thing, being savagely independent yet craving the type of relationship where you can trust your partner to take care of you.
So onto Tinder I went, I have had some great experiences, some not so great, but all in all, allot of chances to learn about myself and grow and change. Cause here’s a shock, I contributed to all the dating disasters in my life! I know, I wasn’t expecting that either, I mean, come on, I’m a catch haha!
I had it in my head that Tinder was casual, ok, I only want casual right now, I need an easy relationship with no pressure. I am the queen of pressure, if I’m not under some, I quickly create some… so I started chatting, I’m a talker, it comes easy to me, and my interests are diverse, I can find things in common with just about everyone. But I started referring to myself as casual, trying to convince myself that I could be, and needed to be casual. The day of my first date arrived, my palms were sweating like you would have never seen before, and the guy was travelling to meet me, not a quick trip either, a good 4 hour drive in outback Qld! I know, how trusting was he! I could have been a complete nut case! But I was so lucky, I mean, I met the nicest guy you could ever hope for, he arrived, we had coffee, went out for dinner and of course had sex. I was being casual after all!
Problems quickly arise, in the form that I am not a casual person, in the slightest, I soon fell in love. I’ll be completely honest, the sex was the best I had ever had in my life, and he never made me feel intimated, because he was not someone I would usually go for, in a social situation, I probably wouldn’t have noticed him, but I’m so glad this was my first tinder experience. I needed the gently landing he gave me.
Obviously, this relationship wasn’t to be, but it kept us both hooked for close to a year. I think the sex was just so mind blowing it was hard for either of us to walk away from. Tough lesson that one, it was all in the timing, and I wasn’t ready, either was he, not to mention the distance! But I’ll go into details in future posts, if anyone is interested in reading my story.

Thank you to this reader for sharing her story. I do love reading your stories & hope this reader continues to write for us! 

#IBD4U

Motocross #16

I think it’s about time I remind readers, especially new ones to my blog who have just been following the Motocross story, that while I am almost about to turn 38 in the time line of the story (in real life soon to be 39), I am a smart, educated, articulate professional, successful, well travelled woman – when it comes to almost every aspect of my life. But when it comes to dating, or relationships, I am basically stuck at 16 years old. I never did all the mini relationships that teach you what you should do when in these situations when I was younger. I was single until I was 22 & dumped at 25. Since then I’ve basically been single. I’ve only been in love once at age 36 & we all know how that turned out…

Most comments I get from my readers are that they love my story or they’re confused at why I did what I did, believe me when I read back over my stories, I am confused about how stupid I can be or how ridiculous I sound but this is just my diary, aired for you all to read. So please remember to be kind & to also remember, I am seriously emotionally retarded when it comes to dating. I don’t know how to do it & I make mistakes.

Having said that – I’m not holding back with Motocross this time, I don’t give a fuck, I’m going to be 38 in a few days (yes birthday looming!), I do want to get married at some point in my life, though that prospect is looking further & further away each day. I really want to be married & have a partner. I am not mucking around anymore. I’ve let a lot of things slide because I have stupidly stalked him – so I can’t ask about some of it, but this can’t go by without me asking the question, why didn’t he fucking message me this weekend. Yes I was abrupt about asking about it, but that’s my way, that’s just me. I will be silent for so long then snap!

He seems a bit taken back by my abruptness, maybe even a little scared – remember he stutters so his stutter is more prominent, that I’ve either scared him or he’s lying… But he tells me that after he won the race (of course he won!) all the guys were hanging around & they threw him in the ice bath with his phone in his pocket which killed it. Ok that’s a viable story – I guess, he said that he got a new phone this morning & only ever uses whatsapp to chat to his American neighbour who is looking after his house, which he was using on his computer. He said he was waiting till he got his new phone because he didn’t have a sim card with my number on it. I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I hate that I doubt him. I also hate that I’ll never know if he would’ve text me Tuesday (today) or not if I hadn’t found him on whatsapp… I fucking hate that.

Well Motocross is here, hanging out with me, so I don’t press it further – I mean he’s not lying to not see me, he’s lied presumably but still hanging out with me. We sit on the couch listening to songs on YouTube, he likes my taste in music & introduces me to a band he likes that’s similar to my mix, a band called Crossfade, he even sings a few songs when he plays them & I can’t help but think that this is quite comfortable… It’s nice that he’s relaxed around me, we sit & chat the entire evening, we don’t watch movies which is good, just chatting about all sorts of shit. I tell him about my upcoming trip to Brisbane & he asks so many questions about it, that I can’t help but think he’s implying he wants to come. He says that this weekend he’s going to Sydney earlier than usual because he’s meeting his brother there & has tickets for him & his friends for the show, he also says that his brother is coming to Adelaide in a few weeks too from NSW who he hasn’t seen for years so he’s looking forward to that & it’s his birthday so he wants to get him something big for it. I ask if it’s a big birthday like his 30th or 40th but Motocross says he’s turning 38 – which I already know that we are the same age, due to his friend request to me. Which by the way I forgot to tell you disappears… I either accidentally clicked ignore showing someone that he’d requested me or he deleted it after a year when he realises that I am dating his brother perhaps, maybe they’ve talked about me?! I don’t know which but I had screenshotted it – because that’s what I do!

I tell Motocross that it’s my birthday this week on Thursday & he says that he’s flying out on Thursday & wants to see me tomorrow instead. I can’t help but smirk, that’s so sweet he wants to see me for my birthday… Maybe the phone story is true?!

We have sex of course, he hangs around for a while & I tell him I’m not tired, as I’m not but then start yawning so he leaves just after midnight, saying he’ll come over after the gym tomorrow night. He hugs me quickly goodbye at the door, not kissing me as a peck on the lips before he leaves, which is just weird, I mean he has just been inside me, surely he can kiss me goodbye at this point? Three weeks ago today, we met at the pub face to face after having chatted for one day online.

The next day I don’t hear from him all day, I don’t attempt to write to him either, I don’t obsess about it, he said he’s going to come over, then he will. He doesn’t seem like the type to bail. I just send a message at 8pm saying I’m home & in the shower, door is unlocked. I don’t get a reply, but I rush in the shower, not wanting a repeat of yesterday’s awkwardness, I hear his car pull up about 8:30 pm & walks in while I am getting dressed, coming to find me, he says hey but doesn’t kiss me hello again. I don’t kiss him either.

We sit around chatting again watching more YouTube, it’s really nice getting to know this guy. We talk a lot about travelling & his bikes, my work which is really shit at the moment – however I try not to talk about it too much because I don’t want him to think I am just a whinger or after him for his money.

Motocross dick is everywhere

When we have sex, we do it the usual way & lay there afterwards naked & chatting, sometimes dozing in & out of sleep, we usually have sex a second time with me on top, which we don’t do tonight. However tonight after being fucked from behind, we lay back down on the bed & he lays behind me, he sort of spoons me, this is new, he’s not done this before. Touching my hips & running his hands over my side while kissing my neck from behind. FUCK… His hands run over my tits & up to my throat where he squeezes so lightly, I guess to test the waters of if choking is ok with me or not… I can feel his hard cock from behind & he actually slides his hand down to between my legs & he starts to finger me… This is also the first time he’s done that, he does it long enough for me to be really close to cumming, he then starts to slide his cock in from behind, I move to give him better access, his hand returns to my throat, he doesn’t choke me hard, it’s just gentle sexy squeezes while he fucks me on my side…

FUCK Motocross has pulled this out of the bag… I am fucking enjoying this sex the most out of every time we’ve fucked, I am close & I can feel him picking up speed on his thrusts & his squeezing my throat, that I slip my hand between my legs & rub my clit so I cum fucking hard, then shortly after he cums too! JESUS. That was so fucking unexpected… We lay there for a while, that was pretty much verging on epic sex! Finally… I even say to him how good that was, so he knows I loved that.

I realise that it’s after midnight, it’s my birthday… When I tell him the time because I was looking at my watch & he asked, he says happy birthday & I smirk like a wanker, he remembered. We lay there for a while longer before he gets up to leave about 1:00 am. He tells me that he’ll message me tomorrow & we hug goodbye at the door.

On my way to work the next morning, I get a text message from him “Heeeeey happy birthday miss hope you have a good day today” with about 5 emojis including a cake, chinking glasses & balloons. OMG. I grin like a fool… This guy remembered… This guy went out of his way to make me feel special too… I reply saying that it started out well & thank him. I don’t expect a reply, my phone goes off all day obviously being my birthday & to my surprise at almost 4:30 pm he messages again “Your welcome. Yeeeeah right well that’s good then hope you’ve enjoyed it so far then. Sorry I’m not there tho” Awwww, that’s so sweet, usually he doesn’t fly out till Friday but he’s organised to see his brother, not knowing it’s my birthday. I’m not bothered, I mean it would have been good if he was here but it’s not the end of the world, I mean this is only 3 weeks into whatever we are. “heheheh being naked with you was a pretty good start to my birthday. I fell asleep at 5:30 & just woke up. EEK. In bed already… Wish you were here too but understand the joys of travelling for work. You can make it up to me when you’re back” I don’t want him to feel bad, but I don’t want him to think I don’t want to see him either. “Haha that it was #Correct. Aww someone got tired on her birthday day. Yeah sorry I’ll be home before you know it. Oh really make it up to ya ay” I’m glad we still have some banter via text, we’ve been talking more in real life so the texting has dwindled, but the banter is still there “#True. Someone kept me up late 2 nights in a row… Hahaha. Not complaining, just stating a fact. Yes, make it up to me!” I try not to write back straight away but he knows I’m in bed so I realise how stupid that is, but I was I’m on the phone for birthday messages etc. “Excuses me miss you said you weren’t tired soooo you can’t be throwing me under the bus on that one. Yeah you definitely weren’t complaining. Haha alright I’ll see what I can do” Maybe I have nothing to worry about here? “Hmmmm I wasn’t tired, till I woke up with only 6 hours sleep. Hahaha Totally worth it! I never complain after I’ve cum. Look forward to it.” I don’t hear from Motocross again on my birthday, the next day I don’t stress about the fact we don’t talk. I don’t want just a texting relationship like I had with Noodle, so it’s ok we don’t message all the time. He’s also with his brother & his brothers friends all weekend. So it’s not a big deal. I relax & enjoy my birthday weekend.

#IBD4U

Motocross #15

So while you’re all angry at me for making you wait with a cliff-hanger & you were all excited about Motocross, as was I, just imagine being me & waiting around like a loser for his reply in real life! For days!! Overthinkers nightmare!! I spent a long time agonising over that message that I sent on whatsapp, I mean stalker alert, what if this guy is trying to ghost me & I’m the barnacle on his butt that won’t leave him alone?! I rewrite it in my head over & over, I overthink the wording, what I would change if I could, what I should have written, should I write again!? FUCK.

I literally have a million things going through my head, mostly about what’s happened to him, not that he just didn’t want to write to me. He’s told me before that he had a bad accident that left him bed ridden & paralysed for 6 months, that I think about the worst case scenario, that he’s crashed, he’s injured, he’s in a bad way & no one knows to message me to tell me because they don’t even know about me. (When things got serious with Noodle, I told my sister how to contact him to tell him if anything happened to me – it wouldn’t have been the same if anything happened to Noodle, I would have never known, so I’m assuming it would be the same with Motocross.) If he was & was told, would I go to the hospital? Would I fly to where he is? Would I even be involved at this point, I mean it’s weird, but this is where my brain goes.

I don’t have to torture myself for much longer, I see his reply on my phone without having to click that I’ve read it, jeez whatsapp is good! So because I’m at work when he messages I read the preview but have to wait till later to reply. At least then I can read it & prepare a reply in my head before he sees that I’ve seen it…

“Hey I’m sorry I haven’t I’ve texted you me phone doesn’t work anymore gotta get a new phone today I got back to Adelaide last night. Me weekend was really good thanks. I’m definitely not seeing anyone I enjoy hanging out with you to once I get a phone today I’ll text you. I’m definitely not injured or anything.” Then 10 minutes later “I use wats app to check in with my neighbour back home to see how my house is going” The second message 10 minutes later makes me suspicious, I don’t know why, but it does… The fact that he had to explain something 10 minutes after the first message, just is weird to me – it’s something I’d do when trying to over explain something. What happened to his phone?! How is he using whatsapp if not on his phone? It’s his Australian number, not an American number for him to be messaging his neighbour. But the stupid part of my brain doesn’t really notice all that, & I fixate on the part that he likes hanging out with me & that he’s not seeing anyone else… What is wrong with me!? (This is also part of the reason why I don’t post in real time!)

Motocross what am i

Now, I talk about this on the podcast I was a guest on & I need to invent a word because desperate isn’t the right word, I am not in the traditional sense of the word desperate but I really want a relationship – I want this relationship to work out. I really want to have a partner & I chose this guy to be the one that I want try that with – he’s cute, we have good banter, we have some chemistry. It’s not desperation as such but I want it really badly, if that makes sense?! Maybe impatient? Or determined? (Thanks Thesaurus) still not 100% right, but do you get what I mean?!

So once I have time & have gathered my thoughts, about an hour later I reply, trying to come across as casual than I was before, but still showing interest “No worries… Don’t want to be a crazy chick or anything, but yeah wasn’t sure…. I use whatsapp for the family chat. But saw your contact & thought I’d just see, cos maybe you didn’t get my text… All good. Hope we can catch up again soon.” OMG. That is not casual… What is wrong with you?! Hahaha… He reads the message & doesn’t reply to it. I go about work thinking that I just have to let this guy go. He has multiple ways to contact me, if he wants too, then he will. If he doesn’t, I will walk away & just have a cry & move on.

About an hour & a bit later, I get a text with Motocrosses face popping up on my watch “Hey I’ve got a phone again. Apparently phones aren’t water proof. Soooo how was your weekend you got much planned for tonight” Errr, what?! Phones are waterproof, I’ve have a waterproof phone since I was with Noodle like 2 years ago? I remember because that’s when I started sharing shower pictures & was so obsessed with messaging Noodle every second I could, that I would take my phone with me in the shower! Motocross has an iPhone, I’m pretty sure most of them are waterproof & have been for many years… I try not to dwell on it, I mean the guy is now asking what I’m doing tonight, fuck I am so easy! This is tragic…

“Phones are waterproof if you don’t have a shit iPhone. My weekend was alright, except when I went riding with my nephew… Just going to the gym tonight, nothing else really” I am not going to swap around my gym schedule anymore for this guy, I would normally go earlier or skip it, but after the fact he doesn’t message me all weekend, I am not making any more sacrifices, maybe we are just friends?! “Oi nah there not silly iPhones aren’t shit just the operator. Yeah nice that’s good then oh what happened when you went riding. Oh yeah okay enjoy the gym then. If you want a visit later hit me up.” Hit me up!? I mean he’s said this to me before, I don’t really notice it at the time, but yeah hit me up, isn’t really wanting to hang out with me, is it?! It’s more just a comment like hit me up for sex. Or is it just the way he talks? Well of course you all know I want sex, that’s obvious, so why not… Maybe now I’m just over thinking everything!

I tell him that my phone is waterproof & I’ll prove it. I tell him that when I went riding my nephew stacked it & cried, that I had no idea what to do, #True, I was going to call my sister to pick us up! “But he was ok, he got up & rode on then came screaming down a hill past me ‘I’ve got no brakes’ yeah fun times…!” I then tell him that I’ll be home after 8 & he can come over about 8:30pm. He replies about an hour later “Hahaha oh nah I believe you miss. Ooh that’s unlucky then well least he’s okay then. Oh yeah okay that sounds good or so you wanna do it tomorrow night if your busy” I am pretty annoyed about the weekend of radio silence & even into the week, however my stupid vagina, fucking wants sex… “Yeah I wasn’t good when I got home hahaha, might not be able to watch you do tricks on your bike… I pretty much gym Tues, Weds & Thurs at the same time… just not been going while I’ve been seeing you but can’t keep skipping it… sexercise is not the same… so after is good for me, if that works for you” Yeah I am not skipping it anymore. Motocrosses wife was skinny, I bet I’m the fattest women he’s ever been with!

“Haha yeah right I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t cope seeing me ride then. Oh yeah okay that’s cool well I don’t wAnt you missing it cause of me I can just see you once you finished the gym then that’s cool by me” Yeah I am not changing my gym schedule anymore jerk. “Maybe I’ll just watch you through my fingers?! Hahaha… Or just don’t stack it?! Or scream at me I’ve got no brakes…! Alright, yeah it’s all good… I’ll see you at 8:30. I’ll leave the door unlocked in case I’m still in the shower” Then he can get the hint to just let himself in in the future. “Hahaha maybe best I’d say. Oh nah I don’t stack often hurts yo much unfortunately. LOL my brakes always work so no stress there. Yeah alright okay see ya then sounds good night join ya” So even though there is a spelling error, did he just ask to join me in the shower?! So I talk about my nephew crashing but add “Hahaha.. .I’ll just stay in the shower then shall I?” he replies with “Oh yeah interesting I’ll be cumin then” We text a little bit more, mainly his stupid hash tags of #True, #Interesting & #Correct.

I go to the gym & then message him that I’m home & the door is unlocked just after 8:00 pm. I don’t know what time he’s going to get here & I don’t know if he is serious about having a shower with me. Meeting me in the shower? So I race in the shower, washing my hair as quickly as I can, so I am basically done all the necessities when he gets here, if he jumps in too, I don’t want to be still brushing my teeth or rinsing my hair.

He rocks up about 8:30 pm & scares me as he enters the bathroom (Fuck, not again!), he chats to me through the glass shower screen, he comes in & sits on the edge of the bath chatting, that I have to ask if he’s getting in which he says nah, so I feel like a dick still being in here, I would have gotten out ages ago if I knew he wouldn’t get in.

I turn off the water & grab a towel, drying off in the shower cubicle, it’s not what I usually do but I feel a little exposed, he even says, something about me drying off in the shower & I say that I dry off in there… Which I don’t! I have no idea why I lie, but I then get out & sort of have to stand in front of him drying myself, naked. I feel exposed & weird, why does everything have to be weird after the weird weekend…

I get dressed into a warm casual tracksuit & we go sit in the lounge room, I have put on a YouTube mix before I showered, so we are listening to songs – just relaxing on the couch, I don’t want to suggest a movie because I don’t want to sit here in silence, I want an answer, I want to talk about this… So I sit there for ages when I finally build up the courage to turn to him & say “So what the fuck happened this weekend?”

#IBD4U

Motocross #14

Out at dinner with my colleague & other participants, when I get a message from Motocross finally “Hey how was drive good hotel I hope” I can’t really reply because I’m working, I see it on my watch, so have to wait till I’m back in the hotel about 30 minutes later. “Hey, just got back to the hotel after a work dinner where I ate my weight in carbs… Kinda waste of time going for a run along the river before dinner. Hahaha… Drive was alright – boring & have to do it again tomorrow. Hotel is the usual shitty place. How was your day?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #IBD4U. Did he ask for your fucking life story?! I wait a while, with droopy eyes for his reply, but it doesn’t come so I fall asleep. I wake up early for breakfast with my colleague & we do what we have to do before he actually replies to me, mid afternoon when I am driving home – so I don’t get to read it or reply till later. It’s longer than what I can see on my watch so at least that’s positive… I don’t feel so stupid.

I get home & my friend is there still from KI & I need to go to the gym then dinner with her, so I don’t get time to write back to him. I read it though “Hey sorry bout the late reply. How’d the run go did you do it again. Ooh hopefully your drives more exciting on the way home then unlucky bout your hotel then me day was good thanks just in qld now obviously enjoying the weather up here” Well at least I got a long message back, now I don’t feel like such a dick! Hahaha.

I don’t write back till almost 8:00 pm “That’s ok, I was driving home. Went straight to the gym then dinner with my friend. Run was alright yesterday, my gps jipped me though on how many kms I did… Wish I was in qld. It’s fucking cold as fuck here…!” Just so you know, it’s the 1st August, in the timeline… We’re now in August! I feel like I’m catching up, am I catching up?

He writes back “Oh yeah okay gee busy day then. How was dinner where’d you go. Oh you think you did more kms then your gps said. Yeah I bet you would be nice so your home now I’m guessing” Even though he barely uses punctuation, he is asking questions, he seems like he wants the conversation to keep going. I tell him that I went back to the pub I met him at but we didn’t sit outside this time. I tell him that I did four exact same laps & each one was a different length, so I’m not sure why my GPS fucked up. I say that I’m sitting in front of the heater with my friend watching TV & hanging for my own bed & ask him how his hotel is. I don’t get a reply. At all. I go to bed not thinking much of it, it’s about 9:00 pm where he is, he’s probably asleep? I go the entire next day without a reply too. WTF? I did ask a question to keep the conversation going. He didn’t reply.

My friend has gone back to KI, so I’m home alone overthinking, when I think fuck it, just message the guy! It’s almost 9:00 pm my time on Friday night when I just say “Hey how was you day?” a no pressure message. He writes back almost instantly. “Hey you yeah me day was good thanks pressday dismorring and an autograph singing in the arvo plus we hit up the go karts. How was your day tired of driving yet” I can’t even type out that message without giggling! I ask if he’s signed anything for me yet & tell him that I was in the office all day so was pretty boring day – I’m not sure why work thought it was more important than on the trip with my colleague, but anyway. He says that he hasn’t signed anything for me but he will & says at least I can relax now. I write back “Hahaha… Sign my ass! Yeah just got home & in bed… Got a busy weekend, bootcamp & dinner with gym people tomorrow” His replies come quickly “Haha oh gawd your funny sure. Oh yeah okay jealous I’m not there tho. Oh wow okay defs a busy weekend for ya I’m sure you’ll enjoy it nice where’s your dinner at” I am giggling as I write back “Hahah… you say you like it, so why not sign it? Yeah sucks you’re away… definelty lots of space in bed & a shardnado that hasn’t been watched yet… I think dinner is back at the same pub we met at” he’s told me several times he likes my ass, I do like my butt TBH. Again, his message comes very quickly “Hahaha nah I’m not saying it like that. Yeeeah I’m sorry lol Sharknado someone’s keen been thinking about it ay. Oh yeah nice sounds good” I reply with a sleepy smile “Then you can take a picture so I can see it! Carry my ass around with you! OMG. I’ve blocked sharkando from my memory till now… I refuse to spend the $6 on it” His reply takes a lot longer this time, that I fall asleep… I wake up to his reply that came 30 mins later “haha okay deal not complaining bout carrying your ass around… Really you actually blocked it haha of course you would refuse I would too” I go to the gym & reply after I’ve eaten breakfast “Sorry, fell asleep then woke up late for bootcamp this morning… But made it at least & now I’m fucked. You can look at my ass any time you like if you have it in your phone. I paid for the last 2 Sharknados, YouTube are going to think I’m a fucking weirdo” I go about my day, knowing that he’s racing & probably won’t have his phone.

I go out for dinner & I can’t help myself but keep wishing for him to message & me to see it on my watch. The message never comes… The next day, the same. Nothing… My mind goes to weird places, what if he has crashed? What if he’s in hospital? What if something happened? Should I text again in case his dad has his phone or something?! Should I just give the guy a break, he did say in his messages that he wanted to be in bed with me & carry my ass around in his phone. He’s clearly still keen on me. Nothing could have changed that much in a couple of texts. I can’t help but think the worst!

By Sunday evening after my family have been & gone, I am in the bath, thinking about Motocross in the bath with me. There is still no message from him. I can’t help myself but I look at my dating app, I honestly haven’t looked at it since Writer suggested that I suspend the account. I look at Motocrosses account & it says that he updated his profile a certain number of days ago, but it also says that he’s like 2000+ kms away or something… I realise two things, at least he’s not lying about being away but then that means he’s actually logged on to the account for the kms to update. But I also notice that the day he updated his account – which was him adding his snapchat account details to his profile, was the same day he came over & had a bath with me… Was it before or after we had the bath & he invited me to Vancouver?! Fuck I feel like an idiot… I keep my account hidden, I am never going to date again if this doesn’t work out!

Monday comes & he doesn’t message me either… All day & I get nothing. It does my head in so I send him a text at 8:40 pm “Hey, how’d the weekend go?” I never get a reply… WTF has happened here?! Is he ok? I am starting to get worried… Last message I got from him ws 10:00 pm Friday night, it’s now Monday night & nothing… Fuck? Tuesday morning, I wake up & am so unsure about what has happened here… But of course I think of nothing else… WTF…

Motocross what the fuck

I am lost at what has happened here… I am looking through my phone & look at whatsapp randomly. When I see Motocross has an account with his Australian phone number – thank you whatsapp for the ‘last seen’ time stamp because it says that he was last seen recently (I forget the exact time) Right…? So what the fuck does that mean!? Is he ignoring me on purpose?!

“Hey Motocross,

So I just saw you have whatsapp & noticed you’ve been online. So I’m not sure if you didn’t get my text or aren’t replying on purpose.

I hope it’s not the latter because I’ve liked hanging out with you, was looking forward to seeing you race & you told me you aren’t seeing anyone else plus we haven’t been using condoms…

Anyway, hope the weekend went well. I was worried you got injured when you didn’t reply or want to see me yesterday…

Hope to hear from you soon

#IBD4U”

Looking back on that message, I seem like a fucking skitzo, like I mean, I imply that because we aren’t using condoms, he has to write back to me?! Jesus… It’s so full on now when I read back on it. Also we’d talked about me going to watch him race & he’d also talked about teaching me to ride a motorbike – saying “we’ll get you going”. But the other good thing about whatsapp is you can see when they’ve read your message – so I’ll see when he reads it & if he ignores it, then I’ll have my answer. It also says when you’re online so I need to stay off there too while I await a reply. What the fuck has actual happened here?! What changed his mind so easily? & while I know it was only really two weeks, we talked almost every day – in fact, I think we did talk everyday up until this weekend, we had 8 dates – not just sex dates either, we’ve been out together, we’ve been intimate more than sex, he met 2 of my friends, we had a good time… While it was only a short time, I still think I deserve more than being ghosted completely here… I deserve an explanation, so while I am cringing at that message now many months later, I actually stand by it. What the fuck happened here & why isn’t he messaging me!? If he is cheating on someone with me, without me knowing, it’s odd that he’s been able to get away for as long & as late as he has… What excuse would he use?

URGH this is doing my head in…

#IBD4U

Motocross #13

So Motocross is coming over again tonight, third night in a row… But I forget that my friend from Kangaroo Island is coming to stay for the week for uni. I don’t want to bail on either of them, so I tell her that he’s coming over & she should go visit someone for the evening & I’ll tell him that she’s staying over but will be out of the way – but will tell him. I am going away for work on Wednesday morning & he goes away Friday when I get home, so if I don’t see him tonight, I won’t see him till next Sunday or Monday, or worse even longer. I hope my friend understands, but too bad if she doesn’t. She’s staying here for free – while I’m away, so if I have to kick her out one night for my vagina, then so be it! Hahaha… I do feel awkward about it, but this is a budding relationship & I want to see him, not only for sex but I do want to hang out with him. She has a partner, so I’m sure she understands!

I haven’t heard from him again all day but I figure that if he’s planned to come over then he won’t bail – he doesn’t seem that type. I send him a message just before 4:00 pm saying that I will be home a bit earlier than usual so I am planning to go to the shops & get something for dinner & asked if he is keen to try my cooking. “I’m feeling adventurous so sure why not” I love that this guy can spell adventurous but struggles with shaw. Hahaha. I know he doesn’t eat eggs, so I ask if there is something else he doesn’t eat? He says mushrooms & brussel sprouts. Well I hate mushrooms – something in common, but will eat brussel sprouts, but not cooking anything with sprouts tonight. He says that’s kind of me, when I write back about an hour later I say that I forgot to tell him my friend is staying over, but she’s going out, that I’m just cooking dinner now & he should let me know what time he is coming over. I make chicken pad thai with carb free noodles, which I’m pretty sure will be too exotic for him! But I hope that he’ll enjoy it. About 45 minutes later, just after 6:00 pm, he says he’ll be here around 6:30pm, to stop me from overthinking if he’s late, I reply & say that’s fine, I’ll see him soon.

He rocks up & knocks on the door again, maybe I should tell him he can just come in at this point? Again he doesn’t go in for a kiss, so neither do I… Maybe were just friends who have sex? I mean the texting has dwindled quite substantially. But then again he has seen me three nights in a row.

We chat easily while I cook dinner, I have music on YouTube on the tv. I tell him that I’ve cooked Pad Thai & he comes over to the stove to have a look, I think this is the time be might kiss me or touch me but he doesn’t. He’s awkward, so I’m awkward. I wish I could make a move on guys when they’re being like this, I’m not really affectionate unless I am shown affection. Noodle was the only one I could make a move with ever, but they only time I ever really saw him was to fuck him, so it was easy. This is possibly going somewhere, it’s not just about sex, this could be more than that… I am hoping it’s more than that for him.

We eat dinner, he doesn’t eat as much as me but he says that he likes it but is used to more plain foods with ketchup. Yuck, food doused in ketchup… Sounds gross to me, but each to their own I guess. I’m not a huge sauce fan because they’re usually full of sugar & smoky.

After dinner, he picks a movie, I allow him to pick because I couldn’t really care less to what we watch & again it’s some movie about cars or bikes. He comments on the sounds of the bikes, saying they’re wrong for what they’re riding, of course I have no idea about that either – I couldn’t tell you what bikes sound like.

We’re sitting closer on the couch than we usually do, he normally spreads out & really relaxes, usually falling asleep before the movie is over. It’s not uncomfortable, I don’t need to sit cuddling him all night, I am not that cuddly to be honest. I have also had this back issue for a while now that I can’t sit in one spot for long at the moment & when you’re cuddling a man, you can’t squirm all over the place.

Motocross i am both

My friend texts me about 7:30 pm to tell me she’s on her way back to my house… Well I expected her to be out longer, this is going to be awkward. I mean Motocross & I are awkward all the time so fuck knows what it’ll be like when my friend gets here & sits down with us to watch the movie, will she have a better conversation with him? She can be a bit shy too, so don’t think she’ll try to talk to him too much. He has met a friend before I guess on the second date when we went to the play – it was weird but it went ok?!

She walks in the door around 8:00 pm & stands in the entry way the whole time, I introduce them to each other, we talk about her dinner & general chit chat & she says she’s going to bed, she has to be up early. So she heads off to bed & we continue to watch the movie.

When the movie finishes, he’s still sitting awfully close & turns to kiss me & pulls me on his lap, well this is new & fucking sexy. We’re kissing & he’s taken my top off while sitting on his lap. I unzip his jacket & slip his shirt off before I suggest we go to my bedroom, I think maybe he was thinking we should have sex on the couch being my bedroom is right next to where my friend is asleep, however, it’s only like 9:30 pm, she might get up & go to the bathroom or want a drink & would have to walk past us on the couch having sex to get to the kitchen. Once in the bedroom, I turn on the tv with YouTube songs because that will muffle any sounds & give the room a bit of a glow with the screen, so I don’t have the bright light on. But then the sex is the same, we basically take our own pants off & he slides on in, then asks me to do me from behind, I cum by rubbing my clit, then we fuck after a little break with me on top. It’s good sex, I am not complaining, of course, the sex is still good, but I am only cumming because I am rubbing my own clit & then when on top, it’s easier to cum, so I cum again because of the angle. I don’t know what it is but I squirt with him tonight… FUCK! I hope that doesn’t scare him off… I can’t stop it but he seems to love it & he cums again too.

We lay there sated for a while, he falls asleep & so do I sort of, but then I wake in the wet patch & as I’m shuffling in the bed to get more comfortable, he wakes up & says that he should go. I am disappointed but I am also ok with it too because I have to be up early to drive to the Riverland for a work trip with a colleague. He leaves around midnight. So the dates are a decent length, the texting, while that has dwindled, I am feeling good about this… Though we just seem to watch movies & not really talk as much as I would like, but it’s ok, we have plenty of time right?!

The next day I drive to the Riverland, meet my colleague there as I am not allowed to be there for the full trip for some ridiculous reason, things are weird at my work & I am hating it right now. I think it’s part of my why my back has been so sore, it’s stressful & the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact they pay me & the fact things are good in my love life… You know that saying, when things go well in one part of your life the rest falls apart? Well I’ve always gotten what I want in my career – for the most part, but now things aren’t going well career wise, maybe it’s time for my love life to pick up? I’m thinking it’s not that bad anyway with work, because you know me with my daydream of maybe even going back to the USA with Motocross for a holiday. I finally have three weeks of annual leave booked for mid-September, that I am wondering if I should take that long & possibly save some leave for a trip with Motocross? I booked 3 weeks because I was supposed to go to a Rope thing in Melbourne, but now I have started planning a week in QLD to visit my friend & her new baby. But wondering if I should just a week & save time for a trip to the USA? Or even Vancouver.

Anyway I don’t hear from Motocross all day & of course I’m away till Thursday night & then he’s away Thursday morning so we haven’t set a time to catch up next. I am busy with meetings with my colleague, I decide to go for a 5km run, which she says she brought her gym gear but doesn’t want to come with me, so I go, I need to let out some tension to be honest, stop overthinking about why he hasn’t messaged me, why I’ve had to be the one to message every time. My colleague & I go out for dinner & still nothing from him… I refuse to message, I refuse to be the one to message first, I have broken my rule so many times with this guy… I am sick of it… But also it’s ok – maybe I need to take a chill pill, I don’t want to just have a texting relationship like I had with Noodle. So I need to just relax, he left my house at midnight… it’s not even 24 hours!

#IBD4U

Motocross #12

A shorter bonus post today, because this was supposed to be ready for Tuesday & my amazing guest blog today, however I wasn’t prepared! So here it is! The #BonusPost. Hence why if you notice the colour of the heart meme was wrong! Hahaha… No one probably notices, do you?!

On with the story : I go to sleep, semi disappointed to be honest but also, it’s ok, I mean I sleep better alone, this is moving fast, I am not sure I’m ready for full on sleepovers just yet. I’m not sure why Motocross hasn’t stayed over since the first time we had sex though, at least once. Of course my overthinking brain wonders why he hasn’t stayed, or why he doesn’t want to stay over? Especially when leaving here at 2:00 am. I mean I think possibly that he’s still married maybe, but she’s changed her name on Facebook so I don’t think so… he couldn’t just go home that late every night without arousing suspicion… What else could it be? Especially if he’s going to come over again tonight. How can he get away so much if he’s married or seeing someone else? It’s now Monday night – end of July, tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we met online.

I don’t hear from him all day which disappoints me too but then again I haven’t messaged him either, however you all know my dumb rule. As I’m leaving work I think I will message him as I am either going to skip going to Rope & see him or I will go to Rope. So I message him & ask if he’s still wants to come over. He says “Hey yeah I can come a bit later sure but if you’ve got plans all good though I can wait” What is that supposed to mean? Fuck, don’t over think it. “No I’m not doing anything, besides you… Will be home in about 20 mins so any time after 6.” I try to be cheeky, because I don’t want to be in a bad mood that he didn’t message & that he said he doesn’t have to see me, that he can wait. “Hahaha good answer. Yeah nice okay I’ll be there about 6:30ish” Lets think about this, 6:30 pm is early, like if he didn’t want to hang out with me, he’d say like 8:00 pm or something right?

I potter around doing some stuff at home waiting for him to come. 6:30 pm comes & goes. 6:45 pm comes & goes… I think this is unusual for Motocross, he’s always been so punctual. I keep looking at my phone wondering if I should message him, I didn’t reply with a yeah come on over at 6:30 pm, I just thought it was implied… Fuck, should I message? Where is he…? I am sitting on the couch thinking, fuck I broke my rule of drinking alone & he’s about to bail on me! Or maybe he is waiting for me to message to say come on over? When at 6:55 pm, I see his face pop up on my watch, I quickly look at the message, holding my breath for the I’m not coming bullshit excuses “Hey I’ll be there real soon.” Phew… Something has obviously come up, he’s not even 30 minutes late at this point… & to be fair, he did say ish. I reply that it’s all good & I’ll see him soon & I relax.

He knocks on the door just after 7:00 pm & I am reminded of Noddy & how he just would walk in & say hey as he walked in without me having to get up off the couch, then he’d bee line it for me to give me a kiss hello, so familiar & so much more like a boyfriend. Motocross knocks on the door, waits for me to answer & then walks in without kissing me on the cheek even. Is it weird at this point? I mean the man has had an intimate bath with me among other intimate acts, basically invited me to Vancouver for a holiday with him (& admit that you’re all planning that trip in your head too, I am not alone here!) & is hanging out with me on very regular basis – surely he would just knock & enter then kiss me hello as he walks in the door?!

Motocross already have a wife

Anyway he doesn’t want a drink, which is just a beer, he’s not a big drinker & I’m starting to think that he thinks I’m an alcoholic, every time he’s over, I have a couple of beers or a glass of wine, he has said something about my drinking too, I forget what now but I know it made me feel self-conscious – knowing he doesn’t drink a lot due to training. I am so careful with my drinking, as I’m not sure that I’ve told you this but I come from a long line of alcoholics, so I made a rule a long time ago when I started drinking a lot after I moved back from Canada & moved back into my house I owned with Boyfriend, that was being rented out, that I would never drink alone & I pretty much follow that rule all the time since then, only once or twice I have broken that rule. I don’t need to drink but when I have company, I will have a couple of drinks.

We watch fucking Sharknado 3. Like really…. It’s laughable at this point! But also hilarious that I have to watch them all. Motocross falls asleep on my couch so I wake him up by moving around a lot when the movie had finished, he had picked the stupid movie… We barely watched number 2 because we ended up having sex. Now, we sort of sit looking at each other, I’m unable to make a move, but then I sort of lean forward & kiss him on the couch. We have the same sex in my bedroom as we’ve had every time & again – it’s good, I’m not complaining, however this guy really doesn’t know much about foreplay. He touches my clit though my pants (but that doesn’t count, cos it’s not really getting into your clit to be honest) & he dry humps me when we’re kissing but there isn’t a lot of foreplay, we both get ourselves undressed in my bedroom & he’s on top sliding his dick in, which is lucky that I’m wet enough for him to do so. When we have sex again & me on top, I don’t know about you ladies, but I’ve heard this before from men, so I don’t know what you are all doing, but he says that he likes that I grab his cock to guide him in… WTF?! Do other women not do this? I’ve heard this from more than one man, so what do women do when on top or when the man is on top, I always grab their cock & guide it in, or sometimes they’re just poking around your leg trying to find your hole & it’s awkward. So I just eliminate this awkwardness & guide their cock in. However when Motocross says he likes it, I don’t know why it makes me wonder what other women do when a dude is about to slip his dick in? The only time I don’t help is when I’m tied up, I even try to help when they’re coming in from behind, especially when they aren’t the type to hold their cock to slide it in… Am I alone with this? I must be a minority being that a few men have said it to me. Hahaha… Let me know if you do it too!

Anyway, he gets up about 11:30 pm & goes home, suggesting tomorrow night. Tomorrow night will be 2 weeks since we met online, this is also the third night in a row that he’ll see me, but yet he’s not staying over?! I don’t really ask this time as I don’t want him to have to make an excuse. I know he gets up super early for training, so it’s ok, I don’t want to be woken up at stupid o’clock to him leaving my house. So maybe it’s better him not staying over? Maybe it’s too early for that stuff?

#IBD4U

Guest Blog : Rooster

This is a blog post from someone who has guest blogged with me before… I love this story! Enjoy.

Rooster

So… it’s been a while, but you may or may not remember the last encounter I wrote about was with a charmer named Ryan. Believe it or not after the debacle that was Ryan I was still keen to try to find a regular friend with benefits. A week or so after seeing Ryan I thought I should message him to be polite, I messaged him and said that I hoped he hadn’t thought I had been rude, I had just been really busy. He messaged back to tell me that he had met someone (in 8 days – when not looking for a serious relationship – wow!) I wished him all the best and tried to put him to the back of my mind.
I was swiping through Tinder again later that week when an intro caught my eye. The guys profile pic was of a tractor (lesson learnt since) but the intro said that he was a genuine guy, looking for a friend for fun and if you liked being pampered he was your guy and you could lay back and relax.


A match was made and over the next week or two there was a lot of chatting. When I asked the guy why he did not have his photo as his profile pic he explained that he was trying to keep a low profile. When I asked for a picture (he had seen my face and body shape after all) he replied with one and quickly after asked if I was still going to chat to him. I replied of course (he wasn’t unattractive I didn’t think) but he seemed to think that women once they saw him had changed their minds in the past. We had quite a lot of chat happening on Tinder and then it moved to Snapchat. I HATE snapchat as a chatting medium, I hate that messages disappear, and you cannot see the message history of what has been sent. We chatted for a while and things started to get interesting. He lived over an hour from me so meeting wasn’t as simple as I would have liked. A date to meet up was made. The meeting was set for the Sunday after my 40th birthday, during the party I was chatting and my girlfriends were in stitches at my story and could not believe it was going to happen. Neither could I, I had high hopes for this hook up becoming a regular thing. The afternoon of the meeting I had a gut feeling…


Bam, there it was, a snap chat message telling me that his adult son had broken his car and needed it fixed so he could get to work the next day. Rooster needed to help him fix it so he could not come visit that day. I felt he was genuinely sorry – he certainly sounded like he was in the message he sent. Later that afternoon I sent him a video of me using a toy (why do I give guys my time and energy who don’t give theirs to me???) and his response after he saw it was “I’m going to punch my son in the mouth” which had me laughing.
We kept trying to make a date to catch up, but he worked in a mine and was 4 days on 4 days off which made it hard for him. I also have children at home so we were juggling my weekends that were free. One night while I was cooking tea my snap chat notification came on. It was him, he was stark naked at a lookout on the way to work and had stopped and taken a full frontal selfie on the lookout and sent to me. He must have set the phone up, stripped, set a timer and then went and posed. It had me laughing for days
The chat continued, mostly sexual and then another date was set. This was one was on a weekday and the anticipation had been building. I got a message around an hour before were due to meet, him telling me he was on his way. I arrived home from work to find him waiting at the front of the house – he followed me in and I told him I was nervous, he grabbed my hand and kissed me and then we made our way to my bedroom.

guest blog rooster


The foreplay was good, he went down on me which is something he had alluded to in his tinder profile. He was another one that didn’t even think to use a condom. We were playing with each other and next thing he was on top of me. I asked him if he was worried I would fall pregnant (after all he didn’t know me well), he told me he had a vasectomy so he wasn’t concerned. We fucked twice and then to my disappointment he was getting up and ready to leave. When we had been chatting I am sure he had told me he had more time but he wanted out of there!
We kept chatting via snap chat for a little while longer, the messages were getting further and further apart. We had spoken when we were together about not fucking anyone else – I just wanted one friends with benefits to rely on – that’s it. When he had asked me the usual “What are you looking for” that’s what I had told him too. One day I got a notification on my tinder (I had hidden my profile as per our agreement) and I was very annoyed to find a notification that he had changed his tinder profile picture.


I decided he was dead to me and I was moving on. It was good sex, I just wish he had been honest, maybe I wouldn’t have fucked him just once but at least I would have gone in with eyes open. This all happened in December 2018, then during the Coronavirus pandemic in April 2020 I was working from home with kids at home. I was working in the front room and heard a truck pull up, I live on a busy main road so I paid it no heed. Next thing there was a knock on the door, I let my children answer the door and I heard “Is ***** here?” I came around the corner to find Rooster standing there. To say I was shocked was an understatement. This guy fucks me, disappears and then just calls in 16 months later??? We stood there very awkwardly smiling at each other, he explained that he had been driving past and thought he would stop and say Hi. I told him I thought he had been dodgy disappearing like that – he told me he lost his phone, snapchat everything…. I’m thinking yeah dude, that old chestnut… As my sister pointed out – he knew where I lived so he could have found me if he wanted to!

This is literally something that would happen to me. I am so happy about this post, not that it happened to one of my readers but that it’s so similar, that I know I am not alone!

#IBD4U

Motocross #11

So I decide that I will look so casual & relaxed, with my legs crossed on the edge & leaning back, playing with my phone when he gets here. Cool, sexy & relaxed. Perfect. I get a message that isn’t from Motocross, but I have to sit up to write back because this isn’t a texting position, when I see him appear quietly at the bathroom door out of the corner of my eye – he’s looking at me & I jump like a fucking lunatic & almost drop my phone in the bath! FUCK… So smooth! So perfect….Fuck. I couldn’t have been more fucking unprepared for that entry if I tried… FUCKING HELL! He laughs as he leans on the door frame, like a jerk – he’s pulled off the casual, relaxed, sexy look, so fucking well, while I do not look at all like I was planning, I’m now sloshing around like a whale, trying to get myself straight & back in the water with a sucked in gut. FUCK. How didn’t I hear his car pull up or him come in the front door? Fuck.

He stands at the door talking to me looking so cool – cool as a cucumber, calm & collected for a few minutes, in that moment I hate him & I hate that I have no bubbles! He stands there for a long time, just chit chatting that it gets a little weird, so I ask if he’s going to get in – because otherwise I should probably get out, he says yeah & walks into my bedroom to get undressed. I try to pull off the casual relaxed #IBD4U look I was going for when he got here & I fail miserably, yet again! I look dishevelled, flustered & like a fish out of water. I should give up! FFS. What a fucking hilarious disaster.

I don’t think Motocross done this bath thing before either, because he walks back into the bathroom, naked, but being modest… Not covering his dick with his hand, but it’s sort of somehow hidden away, not tucked away – it’s not between his legs, but I don’t really look either, so he doesn’t feel weird about getting into the bath with me. What is it about seeing the man you’re fucking (but not in a relationship with) in the nude, when it’s not about having sex? After sex, it’s ok. Before sex it’s fine, but when you’re not having sex, why does it feel weird, when it’s not leading to sex. This isn’t about sex… But this is the most intimate thing I have ever done with someone I’m not in a relationship with. It’s so fucking intimate.

I move aside in the bath to bring my legs up, he steps in the bath & sits down – I allow him to stretch out his legs & settle in but we do not touch! Literally do not touch! He doesn’t rest his hand on my legs or brush my leg with his leg… Bahaha… Looking back I think now how hilarious that is & how pathetic we are but when I was in the moment, it seems fucking weird to touch him since he didn’t touch me. I am still flustered about looking like a wanker when he got here, I almost dropped my phone in the bath FFS, that I’m not really with it now.

We chat easily about the race, about his weekend away, I ask about the press stuff & he also mentions that he was listening to a similar playlist before the race to get him in the zone – he picks a more obscure song in my playlist & starts singing it quietly. I smirk at him singing… He also says that he was in a rural town somewhere in NSW & that the track was too fast (whatever that means) & everyone kept crashing so the hospital couldn’t cope so they shut down the race, he says that he won the race though & walked away with $17k for winning… Errr WTF?! Why did he tell me that? It makes me uncomfortable to know that he just made that much & I can’t help but think that he’s not offered to pay for more being he clearly earns more than me! Hahaha. – I’m not like that at all, calm down, it was a joke!

Motocross feels like home

Oddly, I also notice something about Motocross that I haven’t ever noticed before now, as he talks, he has a slight stutter. Why haven’t I noticed that before with him? We’ve been on plenty of dates & talked lots? I know his spelling & grammar are terrible, but I haven’t noticed a stutter before. Has he relaxed around me enough to not be conscious of it? Or is he more nervoice because we’re in the bath together? Or is it because he’s talking about something he’s really passionate about? I’m asking more racing questions than I have before, being this is the first time he’s raced since we’ve known each other… I don’t know, but I actually really like it… It’s makes him somehow a little bit more attractive to me, cuter, more vulnerable or something.

Now, I talk about all sorts of topics here… I don’t hold anything back as you know, sex, kink, anal, rimming – whatever the topic, I cover it – I am not shy about writing anything here for you. I tell you everything basically… Even if it’s embarrassing… Well it’s only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing… But I’m trying to make topics I cover less embarrassing. I’ve talked about farts before – mainly during rimming, but everyone farts every day, right… Well have you ever been in a bath with a guy you’ve just started seeing – probably not after 10 days but this is going at warp speed – & just enjoying the night, but your tummy keeps groaning for you to pop one out?! FUCK… So I can’t fart discreetly in a fucking god damn bath! Especially a bath with no fucking bubbles… FUCK… There is no discreet way to fart on a date, in a bath. Normally I would walk into the other room & get a drink or something… Hahaha… Of course as fate would have it, I haven’t farted at all in the bath the whole evening while alone – trying to get into a casual relaxed position, but now that Motocross is in the bath with me, my guts is not going to let this one go. I squirm around trying to hold it in – which always makes it worse & it comes back with a vengeance, making my tummy growl, which also sounds like a fart. I even do the unthinkable & touch his legs! I know right?! So risque. I must be squirming a lot because he asks if I’m ok, I just say that I’m getting cold & my back is starting to hurt, perhaps we should get out. He agrees, phew. It’s been about 45 minutes after all…

As the water is making so much noise going down the plug – those gurgling sounds & we’re getting dry, he leaves the bathroom in his towel to find his clothes & I can finally let my little fart out! Carefully of course to not make noise, then I wave my towel around in case there is a lingering smell… Hahaha… But we all good, Motocross notices nothing! We really cover the hot topics here at #IBD4U! So sexy. Also so you know, because we’d actually talked about baths together in the future while in this bath, I buy nice bubble bath & have it in the cupboard for future use. I will not have this happen again!

I meet him in my bedroom, naked, I kind of parade around thinking we might have sex now, but he’s getting dressed as I then put on my pjs – shorts & a top – he puts back on his tracksuit type outfit. We sit on my bed & I say I want some food. He suggests that we order something to be delivered, I agree & we go through uber eats for somewhere to eat. I feel like the hot dog again from the place I took him the day after the first night he slept over. He orders something different & I order mine, looking for my card to pay, when he pulls out his credit card & hands it over it me. I notice that it’s an Australian credit card, he must notice me looking at it because he says that his mum organised it for him before he got home – knowing he was going to be racing here & winning Australian dollars (he’s so confident about winning!). I do notice his name on the card – as I have to type it into the app as well, it’s the name he gave me, he’s not lied about that.

As we’re sitting there talking he starts playing with his phone, apologising saying that he just has to reply to some important emails. I don’t think anything of it, but just sit there organising dinner as we chat.

He talks about holiday we should go on – yes he’s talking about a fucking holiday with me, oddly he suggests Vancouver. I haven’t told him I lived in Canada, I mention it now of course, but I haven’t said that I have wanted to go there or anything… The reason why this is strange for me, is that his, whatever she is, wife or ex-wife lives there, according to my Facebook stalking. This isn’t the right time to bring her up or dig into his life, we talk about places we’ve travelled & where we want to go. As we wait for the dinner to be delivered, we go into the lounge room, I was thinking we’d stay in my bedroom, have dinner in bed but he suggests we go to the lounge room & so we do, I don’t think to suggest to watch tv in bed. We pick a movie, well he picks a movie, something again about racing cars or bikes & we watch that while eating dinner on the couch.

At the end of the movie, he makes a move, kissing me & we go into my bedroom again to have sex. The sex is the same as it is again, starting off with him on top shortly after kissing me, then me on all fours from behind, then once we’re done, we’ll have sex again, I suck his cock & then ride him. We don’t cuddle heaps after sex, but I don’t feel used by him. We lay around chatting, we do touch after we’ve had sex, it’s not so weird. We lay around for hours chatting naked in bed, having sex again, he talks about how much he likes my pillows – they’re new & cost me like $100 each! He’s at my house till 2:00 am, when I say something about going to sleep but he says that he needs to go so he gets up & gets dressed. As he’s leaving, at the door, he asks what I’m doing tomorrow night – well tonight & says that he’ll come over again tonight… Why doesn’t he just stay over?

#IBD4U

Motocross #10

Fucking hell, I can’t stop giggling thinking about the things Motocross says to me. I also can’t even believe we are on blog 10 & we’re only 10 days into this thing – 5 face to face dates in & we’re kind of exclusive already… How bloody invested are we all?! I know I am, but you all are too! Don’t deny it. Hahaha.

I get home from my long drive from Mt Gambier & reply “Good, cos this is how I am! Um, so I don’t mean to be rude & all because while you do have quite a large cock, it’s not quite the size of my bicycle… Nor is it difficult to get out of my car… I do prefer to ride your cock to my bike though! Awww, so you’re not going to sign anything for me?” I am oddly disappointed, why do I want this guy to sign me something? I guess his kept his name tag with my surname on it, I’ve kept mine too now because I’m some sort of idiot… So maybe him signing something for me will be like my little momento?!

FUCK!!!! Expiry people, expiry! For all I know this guy is able to separate the whole not fucking other people & going back to the USA, unlike me who is now overthinking this into a full blown relationship where I am going to move to the USA with him! OMG… CALM THE FUCK DOWN… Why do I get so attached? Do other people?! (I mean some of you must because you’re all addicted to this story already!)

He replies “haha good stay that way. Oh wow not rude fair point tho. Happy you prefer it over your bike looking forward to Sunday night then. Hahaha alright will work something out just for you” Awww, how sweet, he’s going to sign something for me! I tell him that I’ve been this way for almost 38 years, so won’t be changing any time soon. I also see the fucking snail as I pull into the driveway & say “Frank, the spider, masquerading as a snail said hey Motocross, as I got home today too” Fucking hell, I milk a joke for as long as I can! Hahaha. I tell him that I definitely prefer his cock to my bike as a bike seat just hurts my ass & that I’m looking forward to Sunday too. I then say “Oh really! Since you took my last name, I think it’s only fair you give me something, Mr Famous!” He says that it’s funny as that the snail remembered his name. He says that he’s not complaining & will try not to hurt my ass & since I asked nicely he’ll give me something.

I tell him “Yeah, he remembered you saving his life from me wanting to kill it…! I don’t mind my ass getting hurt a bit, just not by a bicycle seat! Yipee, I’m excited…! Something signed by Motocross #IBD4U Last Name, just for me!” I write his name as it was on the name tag, how hilarious seeing his name as my own… He doesn’t write back & I go about my evening now… It’s Friday night, he’s probably out at press stuff or having dinner with the other riders or something… Let’s just hope I haven’t scared him with my last name stuff… I mean I do want to get married some day, however the chances of that at 38 are getting slimmer & slimmer. However, I don’t want a guy to freak out thinking that’s all I want.

A couple of hours later, I am sitting inside by the heater, not having a rocking Friday night to be honest when I see a teeny tiny snail on my shoe! How fucking funny! I take a photo & send to Motocross saying “OMG Frank Jr was just on my shoe! (Weirdly inside after driving home)” Yeah how did a snail get on my fucking shoe?! He replies that it was just waiting for it’s mate.

I tell him about my irrational fear of spiders, even of pictures on my phone & stuff, how I sleep with a can of fly spray next to my bed after once there was a huntsman at the door of my bedroom & I couldn’t run past it – plus I have a can in the car after there were 2 huntsman’s in it in a week. I tell him that I am a weirdo! He doesn’t reply, it is almost 10:30 pm which would be 11:00pm for him in NSW, I am tired from the drive & I fall asleep, pretty content to be honest. I wish he was here, or I was where he is, but I am pretty happy… Fuck.

Motocross situationship

You know how things happen quickly for some people & they are engaged within a few months or whatever? Maybe that’s going to be like that for us, maybe not the engagement but the relationship happening fast? Or maybe I just need to hold up a bit & calm down… I mean it’s been 10 days!

The next day I go to the gym & don’t hear from him, it’s Saturday so he’s probably doing all the press stuff & bike store visit or whatever he said he had to do while away for racing. It’s almost 1:00 pm in the day when I finally hear back from him “Aww haha I promise there be no spider jokes you Shaw come well prepared with the fly spray tho. Lol weirdo nah maybe semi” I seriously love this guy’s spelling… Shaw = sure. He’s super cute, or really fucking annoying!? I bet it’s one of those things I find super cute now & in like a years’ time I will hate & want to strangle him for?! Hahaha… OMG – stop planning ahead so much!

I reply a couple of hours later “Yeah dude, if you want to live, do not send me spider related anything… I’m insane when it comes to that… Lucky I’m normal everywhere else in my life! How’s the press stuff going today?” He doesn’t write back till 9:30 pm, when I am out for a drink with a friend (remember being able to go out for drinks with friends… SIGH! Remember this is all end of July 2019.) “Alright just cause I wanna live for a bit longer. Glade your normal everywhere else. Yeah press day was good thanks feeling good for tomorrow now thanks. How was your day recovered from all your driving yet.” I write back saying that I want him to live a bit longer too & I don’t want to end up in jail. I wish him well for the race & tell him in order what I did for the day. But I don’t get a reply, it its 10:30 pm my time, so in NSW it’s 11:00 pm, I’m assuming he’s asleep again. I don’t think much of it & expect that he’ll text in the morning.

I wake up late to no message from Motocross & go about my whole day with nothing. Fuck, why does that upset me so much? I guess because it’s now Sunday, he was going to come over tonight. He hasn’t bailed on any plans yet, but you know what, this is my life after all so he’s probably going to bail on me. I go about my day, feeling hopeful but deflated. Oh no, why do I now think this is over because he hasn’t messaged me today? I could message him? & say what? I figure that he’s up early raced all day, not had his phone on him. He’ll message when he gets back to Adelaide?! If not, I’ll have a cry & forget the fucker!

My family aren’t coming over tonight, so I think I’ll have a bath. He’s mentioned last time we were together that he’ll be back in Adelaide around 8:00 pm, so I will just wait a bit longer to write him off! OMG, I have a problem! Hahaha.

I run a bath & as soon as I settle into it & just try to relax, I put something on the computer to watch & just zone out, with my phone next to me as always. I’m not even in the bath 2 minutes, when I see his little profile picture pop up on my watch & his name with a message “Hey I’m home well just landed actually what you up to” FUCK. I sit bolt upright, smiling like an idiot & write back. “I thought you weren’t home till later? I just got home myself & jumped in the bath…’ Why did I say that? Why did I say it like that too?! So accusatory! Must be because I’m sad he didn’t message all day. I mean he was fucking racing, get a grip – he’s messaged you now & asking what you’re doing. “Yeah correct racing got called off early track was to fast and too rough hospital couldn’t cope. Oh yeah nice well enjoy and I’ll see ya a bit later if you wAnt” Oh shit, now he thinks I don’t want to see him… “Well you can either join me in the bath or I can get out. I haven’t eaten yet either, assuming you haven’t…” I’m annoyed I’m in the bath to be honest… FUCK – I don’t want to waste the water… I guess I’ll see if he’s a bath man or not?! “Oh yeah bath sounds good . Nah not eating yet” Shit, I’ve only ever done this with two other men, I bathed a few times with Boyfriend when we had spas in a hotel but never just a bath like I had with Noodle… Max sort of climbed in my bath once but we didn’t really bath together… This is very intimate. Fuck… I jump out of the bath, unlock the front door, pack away the computer, put on some music & get back into the bath with my heart racing. “Alright, well I just unlocked the door, so you can let yourself in, if that’s ok? I’ll just relax…!” Shit, is this really happening?! “Alright done see you soon” FUCK! Yep it is…

Ok, so I’ll hear his car pull up, because it’s loud, I assume he’ll go to his parents’ house or will he just come here? I don’t know but fuck, now what do I do? I agonise over the play list for a while, making sure I’m listening to something I like but something he’ll like & then I just think who gives a fuck, I’m listening to heaps of Papa Roach & Linkin Park so just put on that type of list – if he doesn’t like it, then whatever.

Then as I sit in the bath to relax, I start freaking out… Like a fucking wanker trying to work out the best position that will stop me from looking so fat when he gets here. I don’t use bubble bath – fuck I curse that I don’t have bubbles right now. I hate bubbles, but right now, I want fucking bubbles. Baths aren’t flattering, I can’t suck in, I can’t hide my gut overhang (that I am so self-conscious of – when a guys is fucking you, they don’t notice your flaws but this isn’t about sex, this is just a bath! My flaws are exposed. So exposed.) So I’m trying out every possible position, I’ve got my legs out, my legs back in, I’m in a ball, I’m stretched out. FUCK my fat gut!!! He’s seen your fat gut #IBD4U, get over yourself, he’s fucked you naked, quite a few times now. He’s pretty much touched every inch of your body (except your clit)… He knows what you look like, if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t keep fucking you nor would he have suggested coming over for a bath. Would he?

#IBD4U

Guest Blog : Mixed Bag – Ex Girlfriend & Henry

This is my first mixed bag guest blog. My guest blogs aren’t always long enough for a blog of their own – just as some of my stories aren’t long enough & so I created the mixed bag with some short stories. Here are a couple of short stories from 2 different guest bloggers .

Enjoy.

Ex-Girlfriend

So I went on a date with a guy my friend had previously dated. We msd beforehand and he asked if I could get any weed and we could have a joint. So I sourced some weed and we met up at a pub and had a drink. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and have a joint… So we went back. I rolled it up and he mostly consumed the whole lot to himself, and it was a large joint! He sat chatting on the rug, when he got up to go to the fridge, next minute – bang he fainted and hit his head on the floor.

I was like, oh fuck, I asked if he was ok, he mumbled blergh leave me for a bit…. So I put a pillow under his head and waited… He had fallen asleep and he wasn’t getting up any time soon, so I decided to bail. It was now 1am. So I try to get out and I’m stuck. He lives in an secure city townhouse and I can’t find the button to release the gate! I sit and SOS to friends, but they are asleep. I go back in another hour later… His GIRLFRIEND comes to the gate and can see him through the glass panel on the door, and sees me and it looks like I have killed him! She starts screaming, he starts stirring and wakes a bit, and says – that’s my kinda ex girlfriend – hide, she is crazy!! So I run and hide behind a couch and wait… He stays on the floor, his phone is ringing (It’s her).

I wait about 30mins until I hadn’t heard her for a while, go to him and shake him awake. “YOU NEED TO LET ME OUT” He rose and stumbled to a panel which had the gate unlock mechanism, opened the door and said RUN!! SHE COULD BE HIDING. So I ran as fast as I could to my car, locked all the doors and then I just pissed myself laughing.

Just unbelievable. Worst date ever.

Mixed bag ex girlfriend

Henry

I meet Henry on Tinder and we match. I am chatting to a couple of guys at this time, but he and I get along and he suggests a date straight away. We swap numbers and I am pleased to get a “Good Morning” text each day, and lots later in the day to see how I am. It feels like he is messaging me when he is on his breaks at work. After the guys that I had met that showed no commitment it was great to finally feel like this guy is really showing an interest. We chat a lot via text – to the point the kids ask who I am talking to and we make a date to meet one night after work when the kids are having dinner with their dad. I was hoping for coffee or a drink but instead he suggests we meet at a local beach and go for a walk. I am waiting at the beach at the right time, starting to think I have chosen the wrong part of the waterfront when he finally arrives. He gets out of the car and after we have worked out that we are who we think each other is we sit down. We chat easily for over an hour and I am late for my one gym class a week because we are getting along so well.

We continue to chat via text message, he is messaging me each day to ask how I am and things are going to well I ask my parents to have my children while I meet him at the river for another “date”. I a waiting at the river in the car park at 1.30 when we have agreed to meet. At 1.50 I am still waiting and shoot of a text message asking if he is still coming. He replies to say he is on his way, another 15 minutes later he arrives. He gives no apology for being late (one of my pet hates – show some respect for my time!) and we make our way over to the other side of the river. A red flag had popped up when I joked via text that I thought maybe he had changed his mind. My sense of humour has always been to make a joke at my own expense and when I feel uncertain I joke hoping that my fears will be squashed. He had replied saying no, he had just had visitors turn up unexpectedly and he didn’t seem to get the joke. We sit on the other side of the river and chat, sitting on the ground on a picnic blanket gets a little uncomfortable. We have a pause when he asks if he can kiss me, he does and the kisses are nice. I want to keep kissing – I am loving the affection – but he says something about getting an erection and being embarrassed so we don’t kiss any more. We have a date lined up for a weeks time, the next night we are both taking our children to an event that comes to town. I am already overthinking how I am going to handle it if we run into each other.

When I am at the event, I send a message saying “Hey, haven’t seen you at the *** tonight” – he replies to say his plans had changed. In an attempt at humour I reply with “Oh, that’s ok, I thought maybe you were trying to avoid me!” with a face palm emoji. I am shocked by his response a minute later which reads “I don’t know what you are trying to insinuate but I don’t appreciate it”. I am shocked, and send another message telling him that I wasn’t trying to insinuate anything, and is he suggesting we shouldn’t see each other anymore? He replies saying he really wanted to have that conversation in person but yes. I reply saying I assume dinner is off then? He replies again with yes, I ask if I can call him, he says no. I try to call twice but he won’t answer.

The next morning, I receive a text message saying good morning and asking how I am. I regret it now but at the time I replied saying good morning and I am glad he had messaged me. That’s the last I heard from him… I saw him in the supermarket a few months later when I was with someone I had started to date. I tried to dodge him and not meet his eye! Looking back I think I dodged a bullet there!

I hate to say it, but dating doesn’t discriminate! Doesn’t matter who you are, there is always a douche canoe out there!

#IBD4U

Motocross #9

The next morning I am up at 4:00 am. I am not sure why I don’t text Motocross, I guess I’m hoping that he’ll wake up & say something sweet about having a safe drive to Mt Gambier being he gets up at 5:00 am for a bicycle ride according to him. I go to my meeting & by lunchtime, I still haven’t heard from him. I am tired as fuck. Having only gotten 4 hours sleep last night, which was totally worth it – The sex isn’t epic, but it’s good & definitely worth staying up for, but I am struggling already. I check into the hotel early having done the only thing I was here to do, I try to nap because I can barely keep my eyes open, I have some computer work to do but that can be done at any time really but now while I can I’m going to get into my gym clothes to go for a run around the blue lake, I always do that here, trying to beat my times.

I notice that I have hit 2741 steps on my watch & all I have done is sit in the car & go to a meeting, where I sat the entire time then then to the hotel. I sort of laugh being that Motocross & I talked about my step counter counting steps that I didn’t do. I send him a picture of my watch & say “Sat on my ass for 5 hours & got 2741 steps. #Winning. Have a safe flight today” He writes back shortly after “Haha that’s ridged actual. Yeah thanks good drive was it. You feeling tired” As there are no question marks, I can only assume that he’s trying to keep the conversation going by asking me questions, if he’s not, then too bad I am going to answer them anyway. “Yeah it’s fucked… I hit my 5000 steps last night when we were having sex apparently!? I’m in bed in the hotel, tried to nap but couldn’t. Gonna go for a run now the suns out then do some more work” I can almost tell then that he is going to reply with something cheeky. “Haha seriously wow had you working pretty hard last night then. Oh yeah okay well enjoy your run hope you beat your time then” I had told him that I try to beat my time every time I’m down here. He’s never been to the south east & did mention that he’d like to come one time, but obviously he’s flying to NSW today so he wasn’t able to come & I mean this trip was not planned, otherwise I would’ve driving up yesterday (which is what my boss wanted me to do at night, but I talked her into letting me drive up in the morning when it was light & not dusk with kangaroos – mainly because my vagina wanted sex, but also driving in the morning would be safer than driving at night!)

“Yeah, I’d done like 3000 steps when you got there, by the time you left, I’d hit 5000… I didn’t walk that much! Definitely got a workout though. Thanks gotta drag my ass out of bed first.” I almost can’t be bothered, I’d rather chat to him “Haha was a good workout tho correct, your welcome well if I was there your ass would definitely be staying in bed” with a poking out tongue winky face emoji. Oooh, I won’t deny that that that turns me on a little & I wish he was there, I’ve always had the little fantasy of having someone on a work trip with me. “#True. Was worth being fucking tired AF today… Hahaha, yeah don’t think I’d get out of bed if you were here either… This room has a spa too, might have one when I get back” Sometimes I get spa rooms at this hotel but it’s not like it’s an updated hotel. “Hahaha definitely always worth being fucking tired af. Nope we’d definitely be staying in bed. Oooh wow that’s a fancy room, you’ve got then enjoy wish I was there.Fuck I wish he was here too… Fuck where did that thought come from… I send him a picture of the spa, because it’s a beige colour & it’s ancient “Definitely not fancy! Dinosaurs walked the earth when this spa was installed! We probably should’ve skipped the movie & just had sex. I’m in my gym gear but procrastinating about going out to the lake.” I don’t get a reply straight away that I finally get in the car & go out to the Blue Lake to run around it. I sort of hate when men do that, they don’t reply when I am going to be the one to not reply to their last message!

I go for a run around the Lake about 2:15 pm, I do it in pretty much the same time as last time I was here, so I am happy with that. Considering how little sleep I’ve had, I’m surprised that I did it in the same time as last trip down here.

I get a response from him at almost 6:00 pm, assuming that he’s been on his flight to NSW “Ooh nah #True not fancy. Haha correct I think so. Hmmm yeah true we should’ve well Sunday night if your family doesn’t come over or your not busy we have to make up for lost time. Sooo how’d the procrastinating go any movement towards the lake” I love that he can’t spell simple things but was able to write procrastinating. I can’t help but smirk & swoon when I get a message from him… Fucking hell! I must remember that this is expiration dating, this guy is going to be nothing more than just a FWB of sorts, I must not get attached… But after a fucking week & a few days, I am attached!

I send him a picture of my legs in the bath – just a cheeky teaser, in the ancient spa “Was lots of space for someone to join me! My family leaves before 8 every Sunday, so I’ll be free by the time you get back… I went for a run, same time as before so not too disappointed in that. How was the flight? How’s your throat btw?” He sends me a reply about an hour & a half later, but I am already asleep – yes at 7:30 pm, I am asleep! “Hmmm that view. Teasing isn’t nice young lady. Oh yeah okay I’ll be cumin around then. Oh yeah nice work same time is better longer good effort. Yeah flight was good thanks had the row to myself which was good. Throats getting better thanks. Hope your enjoying your night” Oh, he called me young lady! Hahaha, I am actual 4 years older than him.

He uses a lot of emojis in his texts, that I don’t always explain, I use a lot more with him that I think I have ever used in my life too! But it’s that cheeky banter, that fun type of messaging that is intoxicating… I actually hate messaging this much because I know I get caught up in it & it won’t last like this forever. But at least this guy is seeing me as well as messaging me a lot. I guess in the future if we’re apart a lot, we’ll need to message, so it’s kind of good that we’ve got that part right.

Motocross Automatically smile

The next morning I reply to him, saying that teasing is fun, that I have to send pictures while away for work so he doesn’t forget me. I tell him that my family aren’t coming over at all on Sunday so he can come over as soon as he’s back. I dribble on about having the row to your self & his sore throat. I tell him that I am going to go for another run around the lake before I come home & to be honest, because I know he’ll ask or I’ll tell him later, I actually push myself a little harder so I am faster to be able to say that I beat my last time. I do beat yesterdays time by one minute. He writes back by the time I am back, showered & on the road home again.

“Oh yeah it’s heaps of fun.” With a head smacking emoji “Hahaha I’ve not forgotten who you Are silly. Oh yeah okay nice I’ll be straight over when I get back. Yeah a good feeling to stretch out on a plane for sure. Yeah it’s getting better thanks. Yeah awesome good luck beating your time then what time you leaving mt gambier today” I almost want to pull over & read it & reply, but I think that I need to make him wait, but I also need to wait too! I mean I can’t just text him back immediately all the time. When I do pull over for my toilet stop, I read it straight away but go do what I need to do before replying. “It’s fun for me! Look forward to Sunday night. I beat yesterdays time by a minute this morning but it wasn’t a PB. But I haven’t been running much lately so not surprised. Need to get out & do more. I left at 8:30, just in Keith atm. When do you race?” I get on the road, thinking he’ll take a while to reply but he writes back straight away. I can only read the pop up on my phone for a second & on half on my watch as I can’t touch that either probably when driving… Who knows. But when doing 110kms, you need to concentrate! “Haha of course it’s fun for you. Yeah me too. Oh yeah nice one well done that good you beat it tho. Oh yeah okays that’s a good drive then I race on Sunday press day tomorrow tho” I know that he’s competitive, obviously as a motocross/supercross racer & crusty demon, that he’ll appreciate the fact that I beat yesterdays time by one minute.

I write back “You don’t call me a cheeky shit for nothing” & that I was going to ride my bike but couldn’t be bothered getting it out of the car. I also ask what the hell a full day of press entails. “hahaha #correct I don’t it for nothing. Awww laziness much. So today I’ve got too meet and greets at the local bike shops sign some stuff and get some photos done. Press day tomorrow is ride the track and do interviews with the media.” It’s literally all one sentence that I read it a couple of times to understand what he’s even written to me. “I can’t help it… hahahaha. Will always be cheeky! You don’t understand what a fucking hassle it is to get back in the car… I still exercised. Ooooh are you gonna sign something for me Mr Famous?” I smile thinking about wanting him to sign something for me! “Haha I’m not complaining tho I do like it. Naah no idea but I bet id ask you to pull my dick out and ride it bet that’s not a hassle. Haha settle never said I was famous

As I am even writing this blog – reading our texts again, I am giggling & smirking at the banter, I hope you are too – it’s not usually my style to write all the text messages out verbatim so much like this, but it’s so cheeky, it’s so fun that I can’t help but giggle… Maybe it’s just me, but I hope that you are giggling too!

#IBD4U

Motocross #8

He’s cheeky, he’s super cute, he’s funny, we have banter & I am liking hanging out with Motocross more that I should at this point. But he’s not fucking anyone else but me… Why does that keep going through my head… I have turned off my online dating app, I haven’t deleted it, but I pause my account so people can’t add me, just as Writer suggested. But I also keep forgetting that there’s an expiry date with this guy, but as a contradiction, I also can’t help but think “What if there isn’t!?”

FUCK.

I also actually forgot to tell you that on the way home from Fasta Pasta on the Sunday date, I did ask Motocross what his last name was – it sort of came up in conversation when we were driving, something about the name tags from the play, so it was the right time to ask him, he told me, even though I already know what it is, of course – he didn’t hide anything, he just said it & that was that. I don’t think that he’s hiding things from me on purpose, I don’t want to push him to give me information he’s not ready to give – for whatever reason & then have him ask me for information that I’m not ready to give him either… It’s a catch 22. I want to know but I don’t want to tell.

So anyway, in the morning I write back to him & say that I can’t tell him the other things I like about him because then he’ll get a big head – with the hash tag true. I tell him that it’s ok that he asked if I’d swallow, I asked him for his ideas, I will be happy to swallow for him as long as I am still fucked & cum. He says #interesting & that he is obviously doing good then. Which makes me laugh, his hash tagging. (In real life he actually says the word hashtag now before he says interesting or correct or true now too because of how much shit I’ve been giving him) He says “Ooh haha yeah wasn’t sure how to approach the question. You’ll definitely be getting both of those” That’s why I asked him, I mean I get that he’s a little bit shy, the guy doesn’t seem overly affectionate, but that also could be because I’m so socially retarded when it comes to men, that I send off a no touch vibe. I tell him “Hahaha, besides your texting skills, Yes you’re doing alright… Or I wouldn’t still be talking to you!” I remind him that I am open to most things & he can ask me, even by text if it’s easier for him.

“Cheeky shit clearly texting isn’t my strong point. Wow alright okay guess I’ll take that. Clearly I figured that out. That’s fair enough well I’m honestly happy with how it is tbh but I’ll let you k is if I wanna try something” I tell him that I have to read his messages twice to work out the missing words – just as you probably have had to read twice & think I’m suddenly terrible at grammar & spelling, nope these are actual texts from him verbatim. I sort of ask or say that I must be doing ok too or he wouldn’t be talking to me, even if I do give him shit about his map reading skills. I tell him that I’m happy to receive feedback about what I can do better for him – thinking this might help me lead into the conversation about where my clit is & how he can use it to his advantage!

“haha Fark I’m sorry didn’t realise I was that bad. Well that’s correct I wouldn’t be I guess but no complaints here. True I don’t mind the banter tho. Oh I’m sure you’ll be receiving it. I was actually Jinnah hit you up last night tbh thought it anyways.WHAT?! Hahaha, I like this guy a lot & he makes me smile & giggle every time I get a text from him. I don’t know why but I say that he’s not that bad at texting & I can generally work it out. But I’ll give him shit about it anyway. “Bit like #True & #Correct & #Interesting… Oh & the map!!” I tell him that he could’ve come over last night after the gym if that’s what “jinnahmeans. We’re supposed to be catching up tonight for Mexican – I’ve made reservations & we’ve been texting all day, it’s past lunch & it’s been constant. He says that he can handle that & says “Your loving my # now ay” Bahaha, no I am not, I have started saying it too, like some sort of loser after a week of knowing this guy. He continues “Oh yeah interesting should’ve asked then just though you might have been to tired. Jinnah wtf meant to have said wanted to hit you up actually” Why didn’t he just ask me if I was free? Instead, I had to ask him out for tonight… Men are weirdos. But at least I know he wants to see me. I tell him that I keep saying his stupid catch phrases & that he should’ve asked to see me. “Hahaha that’s funny as you can’t stop saying it. Yeah right true I should’ve asked. Tonight tho yeah” I tell him that he can ask me another time & not just leave it up to me. I say yes to tonight & remind him that I have booked a table. “haha nah it’s not annoying it’s just funny I’m rubbing off on you in more then one way. Yep like tonight I’m keen for it. Yeah nice okay can’t wait” Did he think that he’s planned tonight & that he’s asked me out? I tell him that it is annoying & I just said true on the phone. He laughs at me & I don’t reply to his last message as it’s almost 5:00 pm, time to get home & ready for our date! It’s been a bit of an epic day at work to be honest, I have been asked to go to Mt Gambier tomorrow & I need to be there at 10:00 am, which means I have to get up at 4:00 am & drive down there. I race home, get changed & pack a bag. I am staying the night, last minute, I can’t/don’t want to change this date with Motocross or I won’t see him till next week, which kind of sucks. I will just push through it to be honest, I can drive down there with a red bull or two & go to bed early tomorrow night. I want sex & I want to see him! I also hate late minute bailing with a passion.

Motocross how will you ruin it

Motocross gets to my house at exactly 6:15 pm like he said he would, he knocks on the door & I let him in, he doesn’t kiss me hello when he walks in, which I think is weird at this point, so I start to get a bit weird too & don’t kiss him hello like I did the times before… Why wouldn’t he want to kiss me hello? At this point, it’s weird not to kiss me on the lips when you walk into my house?! Isn’t it? Again, it’s only Wednesday, a week since we first met face to face, maybe it’s not weird he hasn’t kissed me hello? But we’ve now had 4 dates in a week & texted constantly all day every day just about, surely it’s ok to kiss hello?!

He’s parked in the driveway, so he drives to the restaurant, which isn’t far away but I have to direct him to where it is. I honestly love driving in his car, it’s nice car! I want to drive it one day! It’s the type of car that people look at us in.

The booking is for 6:30 pm so we head straight to the local Mexican restaurant, he actually says that he still has a bit of a sore throat, which sucks for him. He is wearing a similar outfit to what he’s worn every time I’ve see him. We order dinner & he has a plain meal of a nachos, saying that he doesn’t eat this fancy that often, he usually has really simple meals in the USA. He doesn’t eat a lot to be honest & I ask if it is good or not, he says that it is, but I also wonder if it’s possibly corn chips & a sore throat – which is stopping him from eating a lot. To be honest, the conversation over dinner is strained, it’s not as easy flowing as it has been over text, there isn’t a lot of banter & it’s like he’s tired or not interested. I mean at one point, I’m talking about my steps on my watch & how driving gets my steps up & he doesn’t believe me that a bumpy road would give me my 5000 steps per day. I don’t know what it is but that is the conversation I remember vividly but I just remember feeling weird all evening because we weren’t talking. I have told him that I have to be on the road at the latest by 5:00 am tomorrow – maybe that’s it? Was he planning on staying over again!? I feel a little bit odd, tonight is a bit strange, I end up paying for the whole meal – he doesn’t offer to pay & we leave the restaurant. I assume that he’s going to just go home after this & not come in tonight, because it’s a bit of a head scratching evening, but he’s different in the car, there is a bit of a glimmer of the banter that I like about him.

As he pulls into my drive way, his headlights flash around & I see a giant black blob on the next door neighbours retaining wall & I can’t help but say “Ewww is that giant spider – you have to kill it” I am so arachnophobic it’s insane! I may have told you that I have smashed a phone when someone posted a bloody photo of one on Facebook once! He kind of laughs a little, getting out of the car, I’m glad it’s on his side, he uses his light on his phone & looks at it, he comes to the front of the car & says that it’s a snail, that he’s not going to kill it, his name is probably Frank or something. I literally burst out laughing, I love how he names things! It’s so funny!

He obviously comes inside, maybe I’m too quick to write things off, but it was a bit of an odd dinner, but we settle down on the couch with fucking Sharknado 2. What the actual fuck! It’s even worse than the first one, I mean her arm gets bitten off by a shark, in the sky when she’s sucked out of the plane window!? YES – that is an actual scene!

We’re only about 30 minutes in when Motocross makes a move & kisses me, thank god for that, because I didn’t think I could make a move on him after the weird dinner & I also can’t look away from this train wreck of a movie.

We go into the bedroom & have sex, pretty much the same way we’ve had sex every time so far. I am not worried about this yet, I mean how many times did Milky fuck me at the end of the bed with my legs in the air? I mean Milky even fucked Sweetie like that, some guys just have moves I guess. Motocross & I lay there afterwards for a little while, it’s nice to just lay there with him, it’s no longer awkward. I realise that I need affection as reassurance that everything is ok. The fact he doesn’t kiss me hello or hold my hand or touch me before we have sex makes me realise that yes it’s only been a short time but I also need that reassurance. Noodle used to kiss me as soon as he got in the car, he would have his hand on my leg as we drove wherever we were going, he’d find some way to show me that everything was ok between us… FUCK – I must not think about Noodle.

At 11:45 pm Motocross gets up to leave, he’s already told me he’ll let me sleep, I wasn’t planning on him staying this long. I don’t think he was planning on staying this long either, but it’s good that he did after the awkward dinner. I won’t be able to see him now till next week – we have no plans to catch up again, I’m away tomorrow at the crack of dawn, he flys out tomorrow too & isn’t back till Sunday. They say travelling for work is fun, but this sort of sucks that we both travel for work! I am away through the week & he’s away on the weekends… I wonder if this is going to work out?!

#IBD4U

Writer

Welcome to post 350! WOW… I’ve come so far! Thank you all for reading, I still can’t believe sometimes that you’re all so invested in my life! I feel like everything I do now, I do all in the interest of my blog! Hahaha.

As my regular readers would know I have actually met a man though my blog before. You all remember Blogger? That dude… Well the 2nd time has to go better than that right? So an Adelaide guy starts liking at my Instagram posts, I will admit I have a look at his profile, just out of interest of who he is, especially after everything I’ve been through this year – I am not trusting anyone.

He’s a very attractive guy, much younger than me & he asks me how I got so many followers on my blog after I post a screenshot of my statistics – saying how happy I am with the way my blog is going. Well to be honest, I actually ask myself that same question every blog post… Who the hell wants to read about my crazy stupid life!? I explain that I do pay for some facebook posts sometimes, so I know that gets me a lot of likes & I think throughout the Noodle story, people got really involved, now that I am just dating random men, it’s not as addictive. I do hope that the Motocross story keeps you all reading. It seems to have hooked a few of you already & we’re only a week in (in real life time)! Hahaha.

Writer has a blog of his own – about mental health & his journey though anxiety & depression, which I read after chatting to him on Instagram & found it very interesting. He is focusing on his book release right now so he’s not been posting as much on the blog. What I’ve learned, when it comes to blogging, for me consistency is the key, my regular readers know that I post Tuesday, Fridays & Sundays at 8am (Adelaide time) when the post doesn’t go up, I get comments asking where it is… That’s when I know people are hooked on the story! Other blogs I read are so random with their posts that I forget about when them when they don’t post, especially if it’s more than a week between posts. Then when I do get a notification that they have posted, I have to read their previous post to make sure I didn’t miss anything, then it all gets to hard & I just don’t read it & think that I’ll get back to it! I give Writer some tips about my experience blogging & we chat online for a couple of days about how to blog & get followers & what we can do to collaborate our Adelaide pages.

But when Writer asks me to catch up with him to go through his blog & my own blog, swap stories & offer advice, I think why not. He’s got a book coming out that he’s self-publishing & I am very interested to pick his brain about that, having had a few of you tell me to write a book myself. However I am still at a loss of what a book would be like from my blog being I tell you everything anyway, what would go into a book? That’s why I’ve been thinking more of a podcast, talking about topics & my stories that way. I think his might be a good guy to join me on the podcast.

Of course, he is not anonymous on his socials for his book & blog, I know what he looks like, I know his name, but like Blogger, this guy has no idea what I look like or knows my real name – I ask if he wants to see or know before we meet, but he says no. We agree to meet halfway for an afternoon drink at a pub. Nothing exciting, it’s more of a business meeting than anything. I have a lot of questions for him to be honest & I know he has some for me too.

He’s at the pub already with a beer when I get there & looks exactly like his pictures – so he’s easy to find, I walk up & introduce myself with my real name, get a drink & sit back to chat. We chat easily, it’s like we’ve been friends for a while. It’s easy to talk to him & I do pick his brain about his book. We talk about people we’re dating, he has a chick that he’s seeing at the moment, I talk to him about Noodle a little – not going into too much detail because I’m trying to forget him & also talk about the fact I’m seeing Motocross at the moment, however he’s away this weekend.

Writer asks to look at my online dating app & gives me some pointers on my pictures – saying they all look good & pretty much like what I look like in real life (I’ve always wondered if I look like my pictures TBH?!) & he tells me to delete the word “fairly” in front of “fit”. He says that I should just be confident that I am fit, adding fairly makes me sound unsure. He also suggests that if I am wanting to see where it goes with Motocross that I should pause my account for a while. Which I do, for several reasons – one also because Motocross has just told me he’s not fucking anyone else but I agree with Writer, I should give Motocross the benefit of the doubt – see what happens. I haven’t gone into the full story with Writer – about my fucking stupid stalking, but his advice is solid & I agree with it.

Writer invites me to his book launch in a few weeks & I think that will be fun, so I invite my friend along too, it’s a fun night & I can’t help but think about a sex & the city style book launch for me, however I haven’t even written a book! Hahaha. After the book launch, I read his book, it’s good! It’s better than I was expecting (I have shared his book on my social media shortly after getting a copy) & I also shared his dating blog post as a guest blog Why Tinder is Bad for Your Love Life. A great post to re-read!

A few months later, at Cocktails with #IBD4U, I meet a reader, who we’ll call Katie, that night that I click with & I catch up with her outside of the cocktails (Who knew my blog would create so many friendships!) & we get along really well that I think we have a similar idea about the podcast, having been told by my friend that I had been planning to do it with that she doesn’t really think she’d be suited, mainly because she’s worried about her opinions – we have fought before about all sorts of things, so it’s probably for the best. So before meeting Katie, I was back to square one with the podcast idea, however she’s open to it. I suggest Writer as the male counterpart because he was single for a while (I think he has a girlfriend at this point in the story now) & he’s not a sleazy guy or has ridiculous opinions, I think listeners would relate well to him. However when I ask him – I add that I know his focus is his book & promoting that but I thought of him first but he agrees that he wants to focus on his book, he says that he can commit to a few times a year but didn’t want to commit to a weekly show, which is fair enough. I don’t want to take him away from his main focus, but thought it would be a good thing we could do to collaborate.

So the podcast is still at a standstill, Writer said he’ll come on as a guest speaker when I do get it off the ground, which I am really looking forward too, because I think he would have some great advice for all of us, including me! But we’re still looking for that guy for the podcast that clicks with me & Katie. One day you’ll hear my chipmunk voice again! Hahaha.

Anyway for anyone looking for Writers socials, here they are. Please check out & follow him, check out his blog & get a copy of his book:

https://wellnessofhealth.com/

https://www.facebook.com/redesignyourmind.and.mentalhealth/

instagram.com/redesignyourmindblog

To be honest I am writing this post during the Covid-19 isolation era & picking up this book to re-read sections has been so helpful, when working from home & not being able to see loved one as much as you want too! If anyone is struggling, get a copy of this book!!

Now that I’ve paused my online dating for Motocross, let’s see where that goes!

#IBD4U

Motocross #7

Ok, lets calm down… This is why I don’t like to stalk, I don’t know why Motocross hasn’t mentioned that he has a kid, possibly a 2 year old daughter, but there is some reason why he hasn’t. But why did he say it’s been 5 years? To be fair, he never said it’s was 5 years since he had sex, I just assumed that – he just said it’s been 5 years right after sex… But now, how do I say something to him about knowing how I found out – I know some of you on facebook think I should have asked questions of him? But what do you say “Oh hey, so I saw on your mum’s facebook that you have a kid, want to share that story with me?” If a guy asked me a question about my personal life & I knew it was because they stalked me, I wouldn’t be flattered, I would be horrified that they have betrayed my trust like that!

Also remembering that last time Motocross & I had sex, we didn’t used a condom & he asked if I was on the pill & I implied I didn’t want kids, so he didn’t need to worry about that. So it’s no wonder he hasn’t told me. Plus, it’s only been a WEEK! Like I said I am not ready to tell him everything about me – I mean I haven’t told him I have my tubes tied, should I tell him this after one week? He obviously doesn’t want to tell me for some reason, is the kid in the USA? Is he not allowed to see her? Did something happen to the kid? Is it with his ex-wife? (if she’s his ex-wife?!) FUCK… This is what I hate… All these questions out of one stupid photo!! This is why I do not stalk people!

While I am still reeling from this stupid Facebook notification (What are the odds of his brother trying to be friends with me almost a year ago?!) & ridiculous stalking, Motocross messages me at 10:40 am – this is one week since we met online – it’s Tuesday of the next week “Hey sorry fell asleep last night. You feeling any better today yeah I think it dose relaxes you & me actually.” Fuck, I can’t write back, I need to just think about what I know, I don’t want to accidentally say something, I also don’t want to seem crazy & ask him about it – yes I have a right to know things about this guy, he has a right to know things about me too, such as that I can no longer have children – but I am not ready to share that with him. I just need to gather my thoughts before I write back. I am flat out at work in meeting after meeting so I don’t reply till after 4:00 pm “Yeah I figured you did, was surprised you wrote back since you’re up so early. I feel fine today, thanks for asking so must’ve been the food… Yeah it does make me feel pretty relaxed! Pretty sure you enjoy it, so that makes me happy” He says that he’s glad(e) that I’m feeling better, that it’s good because it relaxes him. Of course, what guy doesn’t like their cock sucked?! I tell him that it was just a bug for me, ask how his throat is & tell him that I haven’t had sex without a condom for a long time… As soon as I hit send, I can’t actually remember who the last guy was that I fucked without a condom, was it Noodle?! I don’t know but it feels like a long time ago.

20200413_184422_00001726292437571491524.pngHe says that it’s good I’m better, his throat is sore & says “Oh yeah well I’m happy to wear one if you want then” I tell him that I hate being sick & ask if he got my miracle throat cure & tell him that it works #true. I am giggling as I hit send then I say “Kinda a bit late to want to wear one now… Hahaha. I usually wait to go bare, until there’s some sort of understanding that we’re not fucking other people” he tells me that it does suck about being sick, that he rarely is sick but he just breaks bones a lot. He tells me that he got my throat cure #correct (his other catch phrase) & says “Ooooh okay then well I’m definitely fucking anyone but you but I do ride K***e everyday tho, it’s what I call my bike by the way” I smile, but then I’m confused, so I ask “You are or aren’t!? I’m assuming you mean aren’t. Besides K***e.” I think he’s just missing the word not out of that sentence. Also how fucking cute that he names his bike! Hahaha… This is way too fucking soon to have this exclusive conversation & via text is even worse, but I guess it has to be said at this point. “I meant I’m not sorry typing never my string point.” I literally burst out laughing at that text! “Your string point? Hahaha… That’s gold. Sorry I shouldn’t laugh at you… But you definitely proved your point. Are you away this weekend?” That could not have been funnier “Fuck meant strong point. See told you I struggle with typing. Yeah I am away sorry racing in nsw” I thought he was away this weekend, he is pretty much away racing every weekend from now on “Bahahaha. It was pretty funny! I actual laughed out loud. #True. Do you have to time to see me before you go or do you have to focus?” I don’t know what the protocol is here, does he have to just think about racing, you know how they say before a big event you’re not supposed to have sex?! I don’t know if that’s a thing, but anyway “Haha I bet you did cheeky shit laughing at my misfortune. Yeah I can see you.” Jeez, don’t seem too excited to see me Motocross! I tell him that he shouldn’t expect anything less, “I mean you did look at a tiny map to find where we were going on Friday.” & I ask him when he is free… “Hahaha nah I wouldn’t expect nothing less. Fark your never gonna let me live looking at the worlds smallest map ay.” He tells me that he’s leaving Friday morning so he’s free tonight (which is Tuesday) till Thursday – I am away for work Thursday night.

I look at the time & realise that it’s already 7:30 pm, he could come over tonight, but I’m at the gym so I am not prepared to see him tonight & don’t want him to see me without make up or my hair done just yet… Remember it’s only been a week! I tell him how funny it was & that I laugh every time I think about it. I tell him I’m finishing at the gym so maybe tomorrow. He say “Oh god of course you do thinking about it” & he agrees that he’ll come over tomorrow & asks about the gym session. I literally am giggling now as well, I can’t help but laugh at him “Yeah sorry… Can’t help it. Was so bloody funny… When I was pointing at a giant map!!” I tell him that I am home around 6 so anytime after that, I tell him it was a tough session but need to make up for only have sexercise on the weekend since I slept through bootcamp on Saturday – well I probably fucked him though bootcamp on Saturday morning! He says that he’ll come over around 6:30 pm & that “Sexercise was a good work out tho just saying” I ask him if he just wants to watch sharknado (As there are fucking 5 of them!) or if he wants to grab dinner too. I tell him that I prefer sexercise but don’t get results from it. When he says he’s up for dinner too as well as Sharknado, I am excited about that, I mean most guys are just keen to sit around my house & just have sex. I am determined to stop this from becoming just us hanging around my house watching TV. You know, like it was with Milky.

I tell him that the stupid map I was looking at wasn’t as helpful as the one he looked at but his was teeny tiny. I also say that I will book a table at my favourite restaurant then add “Yeah trust me, if I could get sex daily, I’d do it” He agrees to Mexican & says “Yeah right I’d be keen obviously” I tell him that I have a high sex drive & he says “Oh I’ve noticed it I also have a high sex Sex drive if you didn’t realise” I actually laugh at the fact that he said sex twice in his message & tell him that his is so high he had to say it twice. “Correct, I do & gotta say it twice I understand” Oh I understand! We fucked quite a lot over the weekend… Wasn’t a lot of sleeping!” I’m surprised when he says that he could’ve gone for some more sex but didn’t want to wear his welcome out but he has no complaints. I tell him I like his stamina, that’s good for a woman like me, then I ask him if there is anything he wants to do, because I’m pretty open & he just has to ask. “I’m quite happy with how it’s going tbh. But question do you swallow” with a poking out tongue smiley face. I tell him that I like other things about him, not just his stamina – that his ability to cum more than once in one night is pretty high on the list. I tell him that if he wants me to swallow, then of course I will, I enjoy it & can be sexy! I’m not sure why guys like women to swallow to be honest, but it’s always the thing they ask for. He takes 20 minutes to reply & I fall asleep, but he asks what other things I like about him & that he’s ticking my boxes then. He says he was just curious & he’d like me too at least once if I’m ok with it. Of course I wouldn’t do it with any random guy, but this guy is fast becoming something more… I mean he’s already told me that he’s not fucking anyone else…

Shit, didn’t I say I must not get attached?! There is an expiration date here…

He’s just going to be fun… Just Fun, Motocross is just fun! Maybe I should cancel the dinner reservations!? Just keep it to sex?!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Motocross #6

Let’s all just take a second to remember where we are with the timeline, it’s now Sunday, I met this guy Motocross, on Tuesday online & our first date was Wednesday. This is getting… I don’t even know what, but this is getting too full on for me, that I am dreaming up a relationship already. Could this be an actual relationship?

As you know, Sunday nights are family dinner night, at my house, every week. However, for some reason my family bail & so I honestly don’t even think about my stupid rule & I text Motocross on Sunday late in the morning asking if he got his grocery shopping done & I add “Sorry you didn’t get much done yesterday besides me” He says no more than 10 minutes later that he had a good night – but he was tired & food coma, that he’s going to the shops soon & “Haha nah it’s fine, I was happy with what I gone done yesterday no complaints here” I smirk like an idiot. I tell him that I got a better night sleep & that I met a friend for deep fried goodness dinner but I was home early because she noticed I was tired. He says that he feels bad now because I went home early from dinner with my friend, which was supposed to be my nephew sleeping over, but things changed. I then slip in that my family have bailed on the evening & ask if he is free to come over & watch a movie or dinner. He doesn’t reply for ages (like 40 minutes hahaha) that I start thinking, that I’ve pushed this too much… I mean it hasn’t even been 7 days since we met online & this would be the third date… “Oh yeah okay sounds good I’m in yeah what time you thinking” PHEW! Freak out over. I tell him anytime after 3:00 pm & he says that sounds good…

Ok, so confession time too! So you remember back to when my friends were trying to google this guy as he’s probably semi famous if his stories are true?! Well I didn’t even know his last name, obviously since he used mine for the play ticket, but we can’t find him on anything. I even enlisted my friend J-Lo to look him up as he finds everyone & loves doing that shit! I hate googling people & don’t like to do it at all, I find out shit I don’t want to know unless they tell me… I haven’t even googled Noodle since we ended in fear of finding out something that will set me back. I never googled Noddy or British, which I probably should have, but with everything I’ve been through this year with men, I become obsessed! Why can’t I find this guy?

Anyway there is nothing on this guy, nothing on any sports pages, google, crusty demons Facebook, even we can’t find him on Facebook as himself – his name if too common. But when J-Lo sends me a screenshot of a Facebook page, it’s him! I know his last name, I immediately stalk his Facebook & there is nothing at all on it – it’s all mostly private & there is no connections we have in common. You honestly have to dig deep, but I find out that he was (or is) married, there are wedding pictures of him with someone from years ago, I stalk her Facebook unable to stop myself, as she’s the only one that comes up as a person of interest, she no longer uses the same last name as him & she’s also living in Vancouver, Canada but she’s from Adelaide. FUCK, I have lost the plot! I stop stalking, he’s clearly had a bad break up with his wife & he doesn’t need to tell me everything about himself right now, it’s not even been a week! FFS. I need to get a grip! So I did know this before we went to the play, I was waiting for him to tell me his story, but fuck I am not ready to tell him all my deepest darkest secrets about Noodle & even Boyfriend

Motocross comes over about 4:00 pm & we immediately hang out watch tv, he doesn’t kiss me hello as he walks in & I think that’s weird at this point, I mean I know it’s only been a few dates, but the man has been inside me, surely he can give me a peck on the lips hello?

We decide to get Fasta Pasta for dinner & I drive us there, since he parked on the road – which is weird & he said he didn’t know where he was going… So we order online & head on over to pick it up, deciding on take away – which I pay for to repay the Mexican the other night & we eat it at home while watching a movie, which I hate to admit was Sharknado! Yes we watched Sharknado, I’ve never seen it & lets be honest, I wish I had never seen it! What the actual fuck is that movie… OMG! It was so ridiculous…

We eat on the couch, just hanging out, it’s actually really nice to just have someone to hang out with that is funny & honestly says interesting or true all the fucking time, so much so that I start to pay him out every time he says it & then I start fucking saying it – OMG I always pick up the fucking catch phrases of dudes I date…

It’s really a good night, he kisses me on the couch & we head to the bedroom. Again, there isn’t much foreplay for me prior to him slipping on a condom & fucking me but he’s lucky I am ready. I suck his dick again, he doesn’t ask, but I figure that I like doing it, he has a nice cock, so I will. I can’t help but wonder about what he was like with his wife, did he ever go down on her? Did he ever finger her? Or did he just kiss her & fuck her? Is that the reason why the broke up? OMG, surely not, no one gets married to someone they don’t have sexual chemistry with, do they?

The sex is pretty much the same as it was the first time, he on top for a little while before he asks me to turn over & I cum rubbing my own clit as I’m not even sure he knows where it is? OMG, I shouldn’t be so mean, but maybe he’s just really intimidated or shy, maybe she made all the moves, maybe she was more dominant? I mean he didn’t even kiss me hello when he walked in the front door tonight. We have sex again & I don’t know how it happens, but we have sex without a condom the second time & OMG it feels so much better, he has a nice cock, but FUCK! What am I doing?!

I can’t even hide my disappointment when Motocross gets up to leave at 11:00 pm, I mean I do have to work tomorrow, so probably not the best idea for him to sleep over but man I want him too, more than I realised I would. He says that he gets up super early like 5:00 am to go for a bike ride (bicycle) so he needs to go now because he doesn’t want to wake me up in the morning. We sort of kiss quickly goodbye at the door & as I hear his loud car start up & drive away, I am oddly devastated that he didn’t stay.

I think about him all day at work on Monday, waiting for a text message from him. We virtually spent the entire weekend together, surely he’s thinking about me too. I start to feel sick at work & head home from fear of throwing up & shitting my pants… Was it the Fasta Pasta? Or did I just eat so much crap this weekend, with the dinner & lunch with him, the fried food with my friend then the pasta – I never eat like that anymore, so maybe it was just a combination of all the shitty food on the weekend? I can’t help but wish he’d text me to see what I am up too or if my day is going ok, I wonder if he’s sick too? It’s almost 10:00 pm on Monday night & I haven’t heard from him, I decide to text because I don’t want to go a day without texting him, I don’t know what this obsession is, but when I meet someone I always want to be able to say “We’ve talked every day that we’ve known each other” I don’t know why, what difference does it make? But I just ask is he was sick today, he replies straight away “Hey. I am feeling it yes. Are you” I tell him that I had to come home from work early & he says that his throat is getting sore. I tell him that I will spare him the details of what is wrong with me but think it’s all the bad food & tell him to get betadine throat & then write “TRUE” He says that he hopes I getting better & he says “Yeah okay thanks I will appreciate it #Interesting.” I can’t help but laugh at the hash tag, as that was the funniest part about the fact that he says true & interesting all the time. I say that it’s ok, that it’s not his fault I was sick, I was only sick in the morning & still was able to go to rope at night – I just should’ve made better choices over the weekend, I tell him that I also take garlic vitamins so I never get sore throats, then I tell him to “#StopHashTagging” He replies that “Oh yeah okay well I’m glade you went to rope tonight still did you enjoy it I hope. Okay thanks I will maybe you need more vitamin d. Haha okay #Sorry” I can’t help but laugh at his messages, I have to read them a few times to understand what he’s even saying. I tell him that I don’t even know what he means by vitamin d. “Where do I find vitamin D or #DoINotWantToAsk?” He says “My vitamin d silly” I ask if mean means protein shot, as that’s usually what people refer to their cum as, not vitamin d, isn’t vitamin d from the sun? I ask him what his vitamin d is going to do for me, but I tell him that I hear it’s good for the skin. He says that yes it relaxes you & correct it’s good for the skin. I ask him if it relaxes him to share his vitamin d? & I don’t get a reply. It’s almost 11:00 pm, so I assume he’s fallen asleep.

Motocross constant fear

The next day as fate would have it, fucking Facebook sends me a notification to respond to friend requests from ages ago, I click on it & who the fuck should show up in my friend request list… Remember back to the Psychic Fair post?! There is a guy called T**y in my friend request list – with the same last name as Motocross… (which rememeber he hasn’t actually told me yet) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I click on the guy & oh my fucking god it’s Motocross’ fucking brother! Is that the psychic connection?! My friends get goosebumps when I remind them of what the psychic said about T**y & they say that Motocross could be the man she meant. T**y & I were in a singles group together a while ago & everyone added me as a friend, I didn’t accept anyone I didn’t like the look of. (Superficial, but I’m honest!)

Anyway Motocross brother’s page is much more open & has a lot more comments on photos for me to click on. I find their mother too – who has the same middle name as me (another sign?!), I look though her Facebook page too – like a fucking psycho… There is a picture of a baby, so I assume that T**y has had a kid & Motocross is an uncle. Within 10 seconds of finding that picture, I read all the comments & find out that it’s Motocross’ daughter! FUCK… The post was 2 years ago, with a comment from his mum saying that Motocross is a daddy. FUCK! So much for the 5 year story! What the actual fuck! How could he not mention having a kid?!

Urgh!

This is why I don’t stalk!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Motocross #5

When Motocross drives us back to my place & pulls in the driveway, I am unsure what the protocol is here either. I mean does he just expect to come in, do I need to invite him in, what the fuck do I do now we’re in my driveway?!

Well Motocross pulls up in my driveway & turns the car off, so I just don’t think about it & we get out the car & he follows me inside. I put on the heater & the TV, offering him a drink. We have a beer each & I have to explain to him what Netflix is… REALLY? He gets excited about picking movies, so I just let him pick a movie & I go get changed, putting on my cute tracksuit to relax in – I know that sounds like an oxymoron but by cute I mean that my pants are Hurley & the jumper is Sass – I’m a brand whore. Hahaha.

We sit on the couch & just watch some dumb movie, I don’t even remember what it was but something to do with bikes or cars, so a boy movie I wasn’t that interested in to be honest but I actually really just like hanging out with this guy, When the movie ends we sort of just sit there, it’s after midnight at this stage & we look at each other, as much as I want to fuck this guy, I really don’t want to either, I really like him already – tonight with all the jokes has made me like him even more than I should & don’t want to fuck this up, I don’t want to rush this. I have literally known him 3 days since we started chatting online, I know this is the second date but he’s giving me that look, I know I am giving him that look… The “fuck me look” that Noodle always talked about…

Motocross attached so easily

Motocross leans into kiss me & I kiss him back, we’re lying on the couch with some heavy petting action, above the clothes kind of action. I have taken off my bra so under my sweater is just my naked boobs, so when he slips his hand up there, I think it changes the game when he feels my naked breast, the kissing intensifies & he leans on me harder, I can’t help myself but pull his top off over his head. We’re basically semi naked within a few seconds, it’s like it happens in fast forward. I tell him that we should move this into the bedroom, which we do, I am wearing my panties still & he’s wearing his boxer shorts. I sit on the edge of the bed & he pushes me back pulling my panties off, he climbs on top of me & we kiss… We kiss well together.

I tell him we need a condom & he gets off me, standing up taking off his boxers, as I reach over for the condom, I get my first glace at his cock & I am not disappointed. I can’t help myself but take it in my mouth & hear the little groans that he makes as he’s standing in front of me with it in my mouth. However he’s mainly very quiet about the whole thing – makes me wonder if he’s even enjoying it. He pushes me back. Slides the condom on & without much foreplay for me, he slips his cock in & starts fucking me.

The sex is good, I will admit that, however I am surprised at the lack of proper foreplay for a lady, not all ladies get wet just from kissing or a blow job, but lucky for him I am & maybe I got him too excited. We fuck but I don’t think I am ever going to cum with him just fucking me, he doesn’t touch my clit or try to get me off beside fucking me with his dick, when he asks me if I want to “Turn over” I realise he wants to do me from behind. So that’s ok, I flip over on my knees & let him fuck me from behind thinking I may be able to get off this way, but again he doesn’t seem to do much more but fuck me, so I rub my own clit & end up cumming pretty hard with him inside me. He cums too shortly afterwards & we sort of lay there huffing & puffing, next to each other.

We lay there not saying anything for a while & I think that I’ve made a mistake… Why do I always think with my vagina, I shouldn’t have fucked him so quickly. I was going to wait! I should’ve just kissed him & seen where it went, I am mentally kicking my own ass when he breaks the silence “I wasn’t planning on doing that so quickly” WHAT? I am stunned?! I ask what he means, which gives me time to process what he’s thinking. He takes a while to reply like he’s trying to get his thoughts together too. He tells me that he wanted to do that, of course but he was planning on waiting a while with me & didn’t think we’d do that tonight. I agree with him & tell him that I did want to wait too. He then takes my breath away “It’s been 5 years” I literally cannot speak. What the fuck… 5 years since he last had sex? He tells me that he’s been broken by women & that he’s just been focusing on riding… Now I get what you’re all thinking, it’s just a line to get me to fuck him, but we’ve already done that, he’s got what he wanted, there is no need to spin me bullshit… My mind wanders to all I’ve been through in the last 2 years & I agree with him that I have too been broken by men but it’s not been 5 years for me. FUCK. 5 years! That’s a long fucking time… I went 4 years without sex once after being dicked over by Travel Agent, you may recall – but I try to forget, however for a guy to go that long when he’s around grid girls all the time, is a surprise.

We lie in each other’s arms for a long time, just chatting & we start kissing & have sex again, the sex is better this time, I also get on top, which is easier for me to cum, I mean he still doesn’t make any effort to make my cum without me rubbing my own clit, but it’s still good. He is out of practice perhaps & I know I can be sexually intimidating. I try not to think much of it.

We lay down & fall asleep! FUCK… He’s sleeping over… Also not what I was expecting or planning or even wanting… But fuck I want this. I don’t sleep well with him next to me, he snores (as most guys do) but I haven’t felt so content in a while… FUCK!!!!!!! I must not get attached, I must not get attached… What the fuck is wrong with me!

He spends the night sleep next to me, we wake up in the morning & have sex again. Fuck, this is literally what I have been looking for. I need to disconnect here somehow, look what happened with Noddy when this became our norm!

Motocross & I sit around all day watching shit on tv, when I realise that I have no food & it’s around lunch time. He’s hanging around, he’s not left, he’s not showing signs of leaving, that I suggest we go get lunch. I take him to my favourite place – well my recently favourite place, which is like an American diner, thinking that he will like it. I order my usual & he gives it a try too, we eat in, he drives & I can’t help enjoy the looks from people (mainly guys) seeing the car we’re in or seeing us together. I am in ripped jeans & a jumper, but he’s in last nights date outfit which does switch to day time outfit well – he finds a hat in the car to add to it.

We eat in at the restaurant & go back to my house, he also turns off the car in the driveway & gets out to come back into my house… I am not hating this but I am surprised that he didn’t use that as a que to leave, he obviously wants to hang out more. I mean I do too, however I’m not used to men wanting to do what I want too…

We hang out at my house a bit more, chatting & watching something on the tv before we have sex again… The sex definitely gets better with him, but he’s not so great at foreplay – either he doesn’t get it or he isn’t that experienced with the clit…!

Around 4:30 pm, he says that he should go, my nephew is supposed to sleep over tonight, neither of us have showered, I did offer him one but because he said no, I didn’t have one. As he’s about to leave my house for the afternoon, almost 24 hours that we’ve been together when he notices his name tag on my kitchen table – with my surname remember & he picks it up to take it… I am surprised by this, asking if he wants me to throw it in the bin & he says that he wants to keep it as a memento… Fuck that is too fucking cute… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! OMG…

I

Must

Not

Get

Attached!

#IBD4U

Motocross #4

Sorry about yesterday’s post being released at 9:00 am – not 8:00 am. With daylight savings, the posts didn’t update! Anyway here is a bonus post, an hour early to make up for it, Motocross #4. Have a safe & happy Easter!

The next morning just before I walk into work at 9:00 am, Motocross writes back my last text to say “Haha yeah I think so. Hope you have a good day today.” I fucking smile like a tool but have a meeting so am not able to write back till later in the day.

I tell him that I hope he has a good day too, the weather is amazing. I suggest that he picks me up around 6:15 pm – 6:30 pm, I don’t want to beat around the bush here with this guy, I like him, catching up with him again is what I want, I also really don’t want to go to this thing alone tonight.

He says that it sounds good but what is my address, it’s like 11:30 am & we’re already planning tonight! It makes me happy, but again I must not get attached, this guy is a smooth talker, this guy is only temporary… At least with this guy he’s up front about everything, not like the other smooth talkers Noddy & British, where I got sucked in & didn’t realise there was an expiry for them! I tell Motocross that I didn’t need to wear tights today at work because the weather is so good (why am I talking about the weather) but that I need a tan on my legs. I give him my address! Eek… He says that he’ll be the judge of if my legs need a tan or not but that I shouldn’t have worn tights. “Looks sunny but windy… So not too bad… This weather update brought to you by the white legged lady” I say laughing but also add that I don’t tan well but love the beach so need the tights to hide the legs, especially deep in the winter – remember this story is mid July. He writes back “haha pretty cute weather lady tho. Yeah nice maybe will hit the beach then when she warms up. Aww nah your legs are perfect tho don’t be silly” Oh My Fucking God… Why am I falling for this – yet again!!! I’m thinking that before he leaves Adelaide in October that we’ll go to the beach together – I’ll have to fake confidence & wear my bikini on the beach with him – this guy is skinny & also around skinny women at races alot. I even start thinking that maybe if we do get that far, it’ll be 4 months into a – dare I say it – relationship & maybe I’d go over to the USA to visit him? Seriously, if you’re not rolling your eyes are my optimism right now, you fucking should, I mean this is my life after all! Hahaha. Do you think this could be my happy ever after!!! FUCK SAKE… It’s like date 2, we haven’t even known this guy a week yet! Why do I always do this?!

I tell him that I look ridiculously white at the beach the first few times & then I think I should go for a kayak this weekend, I subtly drop that in there, thinking he might want to come too? He’s just invited himself to the beach with me already, maybe he’ll want to come out on the water with me in my kayaks. I’d love to take him out with me.

During the day in the lunch room a couple of people notice me paying attention to my phone & smirking that they ask what that is about, I explain that I met a guy this week & talk about him a little not wanting to give too much away yet. When I say that he’s a Crusty Demon, one of my friends pipes up & says how she knows them all & asks what his name is. This is when the googling starts! Noone can find him though, I don’t know what his last name is, maybe he uses a stage name, whatever, I don’t want to spoil this, I try not to think much of it. But even if he does use a stage name, his picture isn’t up as a rider… Red Flag? Or is there an explanation?

He writes back that he’ll take my word for it “But I’m sure I’ll see it one day. I doubt you look ridiculous” then he tells me that it’s raining on the weekend, well of course it is! I ask him if this is just a ploy to see me in a bikini on the beach? & he says “Hmmm I wouldn’t mind seeing you in a bikini don’t even need the beach for that” It’s 5:00 pm, we’ve fucking texted all day again & I say that I am leaving work & should be ready but 6:15 pm but I won’t be wearing a bikini. He writes back “Awww but please” with a sticky out tongue smiley face & I say “Definitely no bikini or I’ll be jumping in your jacket with you!!” I don’t get a reply because I assume that he’s on he’s getting ready & he’s going to be at my house soon. I am running late, which I hate. I am not going to be ready by 6:15 pm because of the fucking traffic. I don’t want to be too done up but I also don’t want to look like I am just coming from work.

Motocross spoiler alert

I put on my other favourite date outfit that I wore with British, the grey winter skirt, black tights & black top with black boots & of course, it’s freezing so I have my puffer jacket on. I wonder if he’ll have a jacket tonight!

I hope he’s one of those guys who are late… Actually no, I hate that, but I hate that I am running late so I start running around to get ready which makes things fuck up & take longer. I hear his loud car pull up at exactly 6:15 pm & he knocks on the door, I invite him in spewing the apology vomit of running late, I assume that he’ll kiss me on the cheek when he walks past me to come in, but he doesn’t so I walk over to him & kiss him on the lips quickly & say hello… It’s a little awkward to be honest, I mean with all the cheeky texts about wanting to see me in a bikini & my legs being perfect etc, maybe he’d forgotten what I look like & now he’s thinking fuck, what am I in for?! (Fucking hell I need some confidence!) I don’t have time to dwell on it so I race to get ready & tell him he can sit. He’s wearing a similar outfit to what he wore the other night – 2 nights ago – a pair of jean type pants & a jumper, I feel a bit overdressed in comparison to what he is wearing. He sits awkwardly on the edge of the couch while I rush around, I sit next to him to put my boots on, put my jacket on & tell him I’m ready.

He’s parked in the driveway in a white holden ute – If you remember back to my first ever checklist, you’ll remember that a white holden ute was my third choice! It’s nice & looks pretty fancy. He drives us down to the uni & the conversation is easy – we do talk about the play, however I am surprised at the jerkiness of how he drives a manual car & how tiny he looks driving it. Considering he’s a motorbike racer, it’s interesting that it’s not a smoother drive. However he did say that he doesn’t drive it often & his dad only just registered for him when he got here… Although didn’t he say he hasn’t been here for 7 years? Surely this car hasn’t just sat at his parents for 7 years?! Who cares… But his seat seems so far away from the steering wheel & so low that he looks like he can’t even see over the steering wheel.

We get to the uni & he pulls into the carpark that I suggest, I honestly have no idea where we need to go or where this play is, but I followed the sign to where I think it is. So we walk into the building that I think it would be & it’s not exactly where I thought, so I suggest that we turn around & walk back to where the outdoor path is, I am looking around for a map & he is saying all these funny one liners, I say “there’s a map” pointing & looking a giant map in front of us but somehow Motocross turns to the tiniest map I have ever seen on another wall, a map that is like a fire escape map & he starts studying it when I get to the giant map. I turn to see what he is doing & burst out laughing so hard! He laughs too when he sees the map I was planning on looking at & we both just laugh, however I would’ve expected a bit of touching or friend banter, like a shoulder touch when he came to look at the map I was looking at.

Anyway we find where we are supposed to go, but in the end I realise that we were going the right way but turned back to walk the long way. As we’re walking, I think because of all the chatter over text about how perfect I am & how he’s glad(e) to have met me, that he’d be happy to be where ever I am, that he’d hold my hand or something to walk to the theatre, especially since I am also wearing heels & walking down a steep hill. But he doesn’t & I am stupid & I can’t make a move so we just walk into the pre-drinks room. We get out name tags (OH MY GOD THERE ARE NAME TAGS) & Motocross has my surname, so it looks like we’re fucking married! Hahaha. This is so hilarious…

I introduce him to my friend & we both stand awkwardly in an what I realise is an alumni event, that we are not a part of. I am actually thankful that Motocross is here with me. I have 2 glasses of wine, he has one cider, again saying that he shouldn’t drink much – he is driving but surely he doesn’t put on weight that easily…

Somehow, even though I wear a watch I ask him what the time is & he shows me his apple watch with has 12, 9, 6, 3 on it – normal right? Well it looked so weird because the numbers were so big & jumbled that I had no idea what it said & I’m like “what is 9, 12, 3, 6?” When he points out the hands of the clock, we laugh so hard but I feel like a right dickhead! OMG… That was so funny.

In the end the play is really good, I am worried about what he is thinking about it, it does bring up some horrific topics. But he says that he really enjoyed it & it’s not something he usually does but he really like it. We say goodbye to my friend & because it’s only about 9:30 pm, I don’t want to just go home & say goodbye to him – I don’t want to invite him in him or do I? I say how hungry I am & he agrees. We ate a few canapes before the play but it wasn’t enough for dinner, that I say we should grab something to eat.

I suggest going to Glenelg for some food, but we get there & everything is fucking closed, being freezing cold in July, the beach restaurants are all closed. So there is only one place open & that is the Mexican takeaway. He’s never had it, so he doesn’t know what to order, he pays for the orders & we sit, semi awkwardly again in the cold restaurant & eat our dinner. I notice that he’s wearing his name tag with my last name on it still, I make fun of him & offer to put it in my handbag. He hands it over making some joke about it too. The conversation is fairly easy, I am surprised how cute I find this guy & also oddly disappointed that he didn’t hold my hand walking to & from the car even at Glenelg…

#IBD4U

Motocross #3

Motocross uses my phone number straight away the day after the first date. It’s Thursday (just to keep you in the loop of the timeline with this guy!) I met this guy online on Tuesday & here I am on Thursday, having written him off, to having a date with him on Wednesday night & now giving him out my number! This is happening so fast…I’m sure it’ll end just a quickly! This is my life after all!

He says that he didn’t realise how fast time went either & that he was cold but he had a good time. Well that’s good! I reply “Hey I didn’t realise how cold I was till I touched my ass & legs when I got home… So fucking cold. Hahaha. That heater was a waste of space & gas” I don’t really realise what I’ve just said about my ass or legs until hit send & await his reply, but have you ever been so cold that your skin is just frozen, like you are just icy cold & cold to the bone? “hahaha till you touched yourself” with a emoji that is thinking! “I’m glade you didn’t notice me shaking then cause it was actually freezing. Pointless heater for sure Hahaha. I’d be keen to catch up again tho” OH WOW! 2nd text & he already wants to catch up again! I must not get attached to this one, there is an expiration on how long he’s going to be here for! (BTW yes he wrote glad with an e & I don’t know why he thinks I did notice him shaking, I mean I was shivering too, I always shiver.) I remember my bother in law telling me when I went to live in Canada for the winter that I was going to die as it’s so cold… So I get being cold is no fun!

I tell him that I was freezing & I burst his bubble by telling him I saw he was shaking at the car – how could I not notice! Hahaha. I then invite him to the play that I am going too on Friday – originally he asked to catch up Friday, so I know he’s free but I didn’t want him to come to a play on the first date. A friend had posted on FB about a play that the uni students were doing called “The Laramie Project” it’s about a homosexual boy that was beaten to death in the United States, I had read the book a number of years ago & really was interested in this play, tickets were free & I thought another friend would come but she didn’t want too as she was worried about the topic of the play – I read it’s more about what happens after the murder, it’s not a play of the murder! I didn’t want to miss out so I organise a ticket anyway for myself & was basically going alone, as my friend who I only know through this other friend is actually working there that night – I wouldn’t be entirely alone.

Since Motocross wants to see me again & I’m going alone, I invite him to the play – saying that I’m going alone, thinking he’ll make some excuse, because what type of person am I to be going to amateur theatre?! “Oh yeah okay I’d be keen sure where the play at and time.” Oh wow, so two dates in one week & I haven’t even known him a week yet!? I tell him the details of the play & say we can meet there, I can pick him up or he can pick me up? He says that he’ll pick me up “No dramas there.”

We’re also talking about my big puffer jacket so I tell him to ask a sponsor for a jacket, since he told me about how he’s sponsored by major energy drink company (Which I’d never heard of to be honest with you! However after he mentioned it that night at the pub, I see it everywhere! Like everywhere… So weird how that happens!) He says that he will get a sponsor to send him a jacket & I say that I would have worn pants if I knew I was sitting outside. I tell him that parking can be fucked at the uni, I am not 100% sure where it is, so I’m thinking about 6:30pm, he says “hahah true but I thought you looked stunning in what you were wearing tho. Oh yeah okay I’ll meet you there you saying” Is that a question? Did I say that I was going to meet him there, I thought he said he was going to pick me up?! I am slightly disappointed that I barely even notice that he thought I looked stunning! I do say that I was expecting to be inside by the fire so would’ve been warmer. I say “No, you can pick me up if you like, we can go together… I mean pick me up at 6:30 from my house…” Fingers crossed I haven’t got this wrong?! He says something about it being freezing & that he’s got a jacket coming from a sponsor but then adds “Oh yeah of course I can sounds good to me” Oh phew… So he is going to pick me up! I am at work so I try not to write back really quickly, waiting about an hour between, but his replies come within 20 minutes sometimes quicker from my reply – I am trying to not be so available.

Motocross grammar hoes

I tell him that he picked a terrible time to be home in Adelaide as it’s so cold & I offer to drive from my house. He replies “Haha yeah definitely maybe we’d just have to keep each other warm. Worst time definitely but all I meet you so that’s a bonus. No stress will work it out tomorrow I’m happy but honestly I got no idea where to go tho” OMG… I must not get attached to this smooth talker! There’s an expiry here! Must keep that in mind… But fuck I find myself smirking at the texts from this guy…

I tell him that I definitely needed warming up last night & that he’s sweet, I tell him that I have no idea where I am going either, it’s not usually my thing to go to amateur plays but because I read the book years ago I was interested in the play “So we can go & get lost together hahaha” he says “haha yeah I was keen but wasn’t sure. Sweet but true tho, oooh hahaha that should be interesting then well I’m happy to get lost with you I’m sure we’d keep ourselves entertained with an adventure.” FUCK. Too smooth & I smirk reading these fucking cute messages, I’ve been sucked in before… I’m being sucked in again!

We’ve been messaging all day, so I knuckle down & do some work & take 2 hours to reply to him… I’m too available… I’m too sucked in… I contact my friend to organise his ticket for tomorrow night & I tell her his name & she tells me that she used my last name for him. OMG that’s hilarious!

“Wasn’t sure you if you needed warming up? Haha. Thanks. I appreciate that. Won’t be too lost at the uni but will eventually find it. I got your ticket today but didn’t know your last name so used mine.” As I hit send laughing, I think fuck what if he doesn’t think that is funny, I mean I shouldn’t worry, we laughed a lot at the first date & he’s saying “hahaha” a lot to me in messages, he’s sending a lot of emojis, I think he gets the sense of humour…

“Haha I did need warming up yes next time tho. You’re welcome. Oh yeah okay nice thanks how much do I owe you for it. Interesting you’ve already got me taking your last name. getting seriousI laugh, at least he gets the sense of humour! I tell him that next time we won’t sit outside – but is he implying we won’t sit opposites side of the table next time? I joke that the play is free so I will pay, I remind him that it is 2019 so he could take my name!

“Lol okay sounds good then. Hahah thanks I appreciate your generosity. Hahaha fair enough I’ll let you claim that.” I go to the gym so I stop messaging him & reply afterwards “Yeah I’m generous like that. You can repay me with a drink afterwards. Do you even care what the play is?” I just realised that he hasn’t even asked the name of the play! I would be googling the shit out of it if a guy was inviting me to a random play – especially a play at a uni. “Hahaha thanks I like it. Yeah if course was gonna ask you tomorrow on the way. I’d I’m happy to see ya again. Alright I’ll buy ya a drink done” Fuck, I hardly understand the texts sometimes, I have to read them twice! “I’d I’m” what is that?! Hahaha.

“What if on the way you realised you don’t want to see the play? Then you’re fucked… Hahaha. Stuck for 2 hours at a shit play” I mean how hilarious, what if he is really homophobic or murder is a trigger?! Shit, I didn’t even think about that at the time, but writing this, I think fuck this play is a mega trigger warning. ”It’s fine as long as you’re there I’ll be enjoying it” FUCK… He needs to stop because I smile like a jerk at these smooth messages. I just write back “Awww that’s sweet” It’s almost 10:00 pm – we’ve texted all day since like 8:00 am & I realise after a bit that he has probably fallen asleep when I don’t get a reply. Fuck… I’m already in trouble here.

Have I ever written 3 blog posts about a guy before that I’ve only met once & it’s only day 3 since we met online & one date? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck… I must not get attached to this one… I must not get attached!!!

I

Must

Not

Get

Attached!

#IBD4U

Motocross #2

To my surprise on Wednesday (the next day – hahaha… After we all wrote the poor dude off!) at about 2:00 pm, Motocross messages & says that he’s free Friday night if that suits me. I don’t want to reply straight away being he never said goodnight & has taken almost all day to write to me! What a stupid game to play but fuck I need to not be so available, however I say that I am not free Friday as I am going to see a play & have my nephew sleeping over Saturday night so I suggest that we could do a Saturday drink. He asks if there are any night this week, I’m like well Wednesday (aka tonight) is my gym free night – so tonight or Thursday night after boxing, he says tonight if I want too, so I agree… Why do I agree so easily, didn’t I just say that I need to be less available?!

Then nekt minit I start telling him my life story, that I’m at Campbelltown & have to go back to the office then home, I for some reason think he lives at Norwood & am not in a date outfit but he says he lives down south, so I think that give some time to get home & change quickly. PHEW! So I tell him that I just leaving Campbelltown & am going to the office then home so I will meet him at the pub at 7:00pm – 7:30pm, he says sounds good & he’ll see me at 7:30pm. WTF… TMI.

I race home, shower with a beer (yes a beer while actually in the shower) & get ready, without trying too look too much like I put on fresh make up before I met him & this is how I looked all day.

The carpark is packed, which is unusual for a Wednesday night at the local, I think what the fuck, I walk in & it’s standing room only, the fucking place has a packed out quiz night! How the fuck am I ever going to find this dude in here?!

At exactly 7:30 pm he messages & asks if I’m there, I say I am but it’s a fucking quiz night & that I’m at the bar, he walks in & we hug hello, he’s wearing pants that have a jean look & a long sleeved top. He’s also wearing a hat, he looks exactly like his pictures & I think he’s pretty cute. We get drinks & the only place that we can go to hear anything or get a seat is outside… Remember it’s July in Adelaide at the time, so it’s pretty fresh! This guy is skinny & not wearing a jacket, I have a puffer jacket on that I always wear everywhere, I am always cold, but I am wearing tights & a short skirt FFS! My new cute date outfit, I wasn’t expecting to be sitting outside tonight.

Why the fuck is there a fucking quiz night on when I am trying to have a date?! How did I not know there was a quiz night. There is only the 2 of us so we can’t really join in & it’s already been on for a hour or so.

Motocross looking at things the wrong way

We sit outside in the freezing cold by a useless heater & we chat. Pretty much one of the first things he tells me is that he’s not living in Adelaide but is here till October. Well, at least he’s told me that he’s leaving!? I ask him more of why he doesn’t live here & of course he is a motocross/supercross rider & he does it as a profession. He says that his parents live in the suburb over from me & he’s staying with them. He says that he hasn’t been back here for 7 years or so & his mum is loving having him home as he only has one brother who lives interstate as well. He says he doesn’t know Adelaide very well because they lived in Mildura & then moved to Adelaide but by the time he was 16 he was living in America pursuing his motorbike career. I realise that my earlier babble over text about being at Campbelltown etc didn’t help him realise what I was doing, he says that he didn’t know what I was talking about. Hahaha, what a fuckwit I am!

He tells me that he’s mainly here for the Crusty Demons tour that he’s here for that & he rides with him, I haven’t ever seen them before so I try not to think too far ahead about being a grid girl for them one night! Hahaha…

We talk really easily all night, I mean I ask more questions about motorbikes than I actually give a shit about but at least he asks me questions & we talk about all sorts of topics. He says though he’s never had wine, so he tastes my Shiraz & I say that wineries are great & he suggests going to one or two on the weekend… I try my hardest not to start planning this relationship in my head, knowing that this probably won’t happen.

I notice that he says Correct a lot, instead of yes & he also says “True”… The other Motocross catch phrase he has is “situation”. It’s kind of cute & I love the banter style jokes that he says but it makes me realise that this guy is younger than me, I mean he’s 33, I’m 37 but I can tell there is an age difference here, I mean he’s mature but I can sense some immaturity if that makes sense? Maybe it’s the boys toys thing with the motorbikes, but I do feel older than him, I also look older than him.

He tells me about injuries he’s had from riding, that he’s broken every bone in his body, he shows me a scar on his arm from recent surgery, he told me that after an accident a few years ago, that he was paralysed & in hospital for 6 months thinking he’d never walk again until one day he got pains in his legs & he said that was the best feeling ever… I can’t even imagine what that must have been like – I’ve never even broken a bone at all. He also tells me that his best mate died in his arms on the race track so he now rides with his number. I do sense maturity there, he’s been through a fucking lot of stuff, but there’s that big kid at heart sort of feeling with him & I actually really like it. Do you understand what I mean?

However he does ask me questions & I do feel like I get along with him, but I need to bear in mind that if this does go anywhere, it does have an expiration date! He’s living somewhere in LA & doesn’t come home often according to what he’s said, so I can’t get attached. At least this guy has told me that he’s not living here, he’s not made up some stupid story that he has built a house here & then secretly heads back overseas!!

We have 2 drinks & he says that he never drinks because of all the fitness he needs to do for riding – saying that his trainer would kill him if he knew he’d had 2 drinks, I didn’t realise that there was so much effort in racing to be honest, but I guess with all the tricks & stuff, you’d need to be fairly fit. This guy though looks like he’s naturally skinny, you know the type that could eat anything they wanted & never put on weight, but they’re really self conscious about being skinny? You know the type, I know a few.

We are still outside at the pub, in the cold when we decide that it’s time to go home, it’s almost 11:00 pm, time went really fast to be honest, I enjoyed the evening. But lets not count our chickens before they hatch, I mean I did write him off at the end of his first blog post! Hahaha.

He walks me to my car & I think how this is the awkward horrible part, I never know what to do, I would like to kiss him, I am in a new frame of mind where I am not going to have sex on the first date – with anyone! We’re standing at my car, he’s shivering – I can feel his whole body moving, I am also fucking freezing, we can see our breath. We have a lingering hug goodbye when I pull away it’s like a slow scene from a movie & we both lean in to kiss each other. Ok so who has seen the movie Human Traffic? Well I’m about to spoil it for you if you haven’t, but there is this scene where Jip & Lulu finally kiss & they’re both in their heads wanting to make a move but are scared with their lingering hug, literally the scene with Motocrosss & I is pretty similar the same – except we’re Australian, not on drugs & outside in the freezing… See youtube clip below! Hahaha…

We kiss for a while, it’s a good kiss! I haven’t been kissed like this in a long time! I’m mean I’ve been kissed of course but not that wasn’t right before having sex – not just a nice kiss. I feel him shivering harder when we pull apart, I am freezing too in a skirt & stockings but this guy has no coat on, plus he’s uber skinny. We say our goodbyes & I wonder what is in store for us next. As much as I wanted to invite him home to have sex, I’m glad I didn’t & I want to see where this goes, if anywhere… I did feel a spark in that kiss & think this could be a good little fling while he is here in Adelaide. But again, lets not count the chickens before they’ve hatched…

I go home & as I’m climbing into bed, I see a message pop up on my watch “Motocross has sent you a message” I am tempted not to look at it, but I do read it “Hey it was nice to meet you tonight I enjoyed it thanks” I decide to not write back till the morning – that way the conversation keeps going, I’m so tricky! Hahaha… I reply when I wake up saying “Morning, I didn’t realise it was almost 11 when we left. Time went pretty quickly… I had a good time too. I was freezing when I got home though.” I then do the unthinkable & send him my phone number without being asked & tell him to use that if he prefers. Which he does almost right away. We don’t chat again on the dating app…

Maybe I was too quick to write this one off after the first blog! Keep reading to find out…

#IBD4U

Motocross

I meet a guy online Motocross – we’re mid July 2019 for those wanting to know the timeline, I’m finally catching up?! Or am I? Fuck… I’m trying, was going to do bonus posts but am basically writing as I go at the moment! Damn me for having a life & not writing anything but notes last year!

He has pictures online of him doing Motocross & Supercross – enough pictures that I think he’s probably really into it & maybe semi-professional or a very big hobby of his. He’s 33, he says that he’s self-employed. He’s very cute – brown hair, brown eyes, doesn’t look super tall & is quite skinny, maybe a bit young for me – he looks young, but he’s in his 30’s at least. He says on his profile that he likes cheeseburgers, mini golf & “riding me dirt bike” that he likes random road trips, travelling & that he has a cool dog. He’s only 4 kms away but sometimes it says less than one km away, so he’s close by, not flying back to the UK to get away from me!

When we match on the app, he starts the conversation, which in my experience is unheard of. The men seem to wait till you chat to them, not sure what that is about but on that app, they just wait forever. So I’m pleasantly surprised to get a “Hey how are you”. Albeit with no punctuation but at least I get a message – I’m at the gym on a Tuesday night when I get it, I get in trouble for looking at my watch when he messages me & I look to see it. I yell at my instructor that I have a busy social life & to be honest, it just says their name & that they’ve sent you a message on my watch – so I have no idea who this guy even is till I get home. I am chatting to a few others, so I don’t give this guy much back but “good, you?” he says that he’s good & then adds “So question what sort of performing do you do if you dint mind me asking last photo I’m talking about” -Yes that is his exact message with spelling error & no punctuation. I have a picture of me with rope & wax on my profile, hoping that I’ll attract someone sort of kinky, sort of dominant, but with the likes of Construction & Air Force, I am not thinking anything is promising! I tell him that it’s shibari & wax, that I was at a kink event but it wasn’t a performance as such. He says that he has no idea what that is but asks how long I’ve been doing it for, I tell him that I’s been a while & I go to classes & have some fun at kink events, he asks where they hold events – I like that he’s intrigued by it, not in a creepy way (yet – wait for it). He asked what got me into & what else I am interested in. I tell him ”I’m a bit kinky & found someone like minded who went to shibari class, so I went along too & found a rope partner so kept going. He’s not a sexual or boyfriend partner. Just rope, like a dance partner” I think at this time, I was still tying with Milky Bar Kid at this time. I tell Motocross what else I’m into as well, not waiting to scare the poor boy off “I like music, writing, wineries, comedy shows, gym, running, travel & riding my bike… you?” He says that he likes my interested & his are the same but he doesn’t write & hasn’t ever been to winery – OMG really? Like not even for a wedding!? He says that he likes mini golf & riding his bike that he likes anything outdoors. I say that it’s good, need to be active. He says that he is an active person for sure & I remind myself that I never used to be active, I mean it’s only recently that I am. He says “oh really never used to be active. I’m definitely active & you wouldn’t be lazy with me around” with a winky face! You know I hate when they start talking future, especially in the first chat & why they fuck do I get wrapped up in it? Surely I have learned my lesson by now, no man is what they seem! Why do men do that? Is it because they are thinking like I am that this guy could just be the one that isn’t like the rest? Or aren’t men that deep? Are they just not thinking when they start talking about the future?! He says well done about staying active, I tell him thanks, but I still have some goals to accomplish – weight related & he says “Your welcome it’s fantastic you have goals & your sticking to them. I’m glade your focused not that you need it I think you look fantastic anyways” OMG how many spelling errors?! But I’m liking the conversation with this guy that I am willing to over look his grammar & spelling. He says that I look fine again after I say that I am still working towards fitness goals since my weight is always the same, I think that being told you look fine isn’t really a compliment – is it?! I mean who wants to look fine?! I want someone to think I look amazing, that their eyes pop our of their head when they see me, not that I look fine!

Motocross starve you fat fuck

He then asks me if I’ve had any luck on here… I mean what the fuck dude! Next he’ll ask me what I’m looking for?! I say “Um, depends what you mean by luck. Hahaha. I mean I’m still on there, so not that much luck. But have met a few… You?” I think he realises what he just asked “Ooooh true okay sory to ask a dumb question. Nah only started yesterday never actually meet anyone yet I’m actually new to the whole online situation.” I ask if he’s never online dated at all “Nope negative never until yesterday” Wow, I kind of like that but also then think, I am just a rebound type thing with this guy, he’ll want to sow his wild oats on the online dating world, I am past sowing my wild oats, I want to find someone, a partner! I tell him that I’ve been on the road a bout before but only been a few weeks on here & that it’s not very fun. He says that he hopes that I didn’t get too dizzy. I actually laugh at that! I sat that I hate it & usually don’t stay on here long, he says “Oh yeah okay then well hopefully you won’t be on here much longer” What is that supposed to mean? Because he wants to date me?! Or because I’ll delete it?!

He says “Do you mind if I ask a question?” Of course I say yes, waiting for the what are you looking for to pop up on my screen! “You mentioned you like kinky before how kinky you don’t have to answer tho if you don’t want I’d understand” I like that this guy is intrigued but not a sleeze about it & also not like Air force about it. I say “Well, I don’t have any extreme fetishes, besides lingerie… But I’m as kinky as my partner wants. I mean I enjoy rope & wax obviously… I also enjoy restraints & pain. But not something I have to have if my partner doesn’t enjoy it” I am careful with my words because I remember Noodle telling me I had to have kink. I don’t, I enjoy it but I don’t have to have it… I loved everything I did with Noodle, it was our kink & that was kinky enough for me. He says “Oh wow okay interesting” & I think I have freaked him out a little… Noodle always said I was intimidating! “I take it you’re not kinky at all?” His answer doesn’t surprise me “I’ve honestly never tried it TBH. You looking for a student?” with a winky face. I tell him my standard response when me think I want to teach them how to be kinky, that I am not a dominant, that I am mostly submissive, however I do like to switch every now & then. He says “haha oh yeah okay you like submissive. Lol team play I like it” he then asks about my lingerie & I tell him that I have a lot of stuff, a ridiculous amount of stuff, he gets s bit cheeky saying it would look good on me or the floor & I get swept up in the cheekiness too & say that one day he may say it. Seriously, this is the first chat, I need to calm the fuck down – how to I get so swept up in these conversations like this all the time?! Every single time I think they are going to be different, & they are always the same…

He asks when my next event is but I tell him that the next one I can go to is for my birthday in August, but I tell him that I won’t take him as the last guy I took got super jealous & so he says “Hahah yeah right okay that’s unfortunate then how bout a private show then” with a winky face… This guy is making me smile at least! I tell him that I’d need a drink or two first, he says that he’s keen for that as I’m always typing a date two. He says “I’m listening” I mean is he?! I just gave him an in to ask me out. So I tell him to ask me out on a date. He says the he’s a little rusty at this. So I send “Hey #IBD4U, would you like to out with me sometime soon? When are you free? What would you like to do?” he replies “Haha that’s awesome I like it. Sooo #IBD4U are you interested in going out when your free next” I laugh, “Oh Motocross, this is so unexpected… I’d love to go out sometime. I thought you’d never ask!” He says “Awww thanks I’d like that very much” I reply “hahaha, when are you free?” realising that it’s after midnight already & when I don’t get a reply from him, I put my phone down & go to sleep, I expect a message first thing in the morning, surely but when it doesn’t come, I think FFS, another one bites the dust!

#IBD4U

Holden #2

Social suicide with a bunch of people who hate me for a reason no one will tell me isn’t a worry anymore – they hate me & won’t tell me why so what difference does it make now that Holden is single?! I have always gotten along with him, so I am enjoying the chats with Holden. Most mornings I wake up to a message from him, usually simply saying “Moaning” it always makes me smile.

We talk about his Facebook because he says that he’s changed his relationship status & that didn’t go down well for him. I send him a screenshot of it, showing that he’s got all his information including his phone number & email. He says that only friends can see, but I tell him that I have had a few people from the chat app add me on Facebook that I’ve never met, such as a chick we’ll call Fruitcup. So even though I use a different name on the chat app, people still find you!

We talk about catching up at some time, he decides that when he doesn’t have the kids that he is going to come over to my house, it was always a big joke in the groups about my bath & that there should be a bath app that people could book into have a bath with me, he & Noodle always had jokes about who would get to do it.

We’re going to catch up this Friday night, he is going to come to my house & I ask him to turn off him family ‘find my iPhone’ because if you recall that’s how Noodle was tracked. I’m not saying that Holden’s ex-wife was or is doing it to him, but if she does stalk him when he has no kids, I don’t need another woman knowing where I live, even if they are split up. I’m not sure it’s entirely what either of these to want, so I need to be careful about that.

So it’s Friday, the day I’m supposed to have Holden over to my house. I know that my period is coming on Saturday, however as I am walking around work dressed in a really cute outfit ready for tonight, as I’m not sure how much time I’ll have after work to get ready. I realise that I’m having a lot of cramps, which is usual the day before, so when I head to the bathroom, I realise that fucking mother nature has given me my period a day before which is really painful, so even if Holden was ok with period sex, I can’t fuck on the first day anymore, especially since having my tubes tied.

I message him straight away with the apology vomit profusely saying I’m really sorry, but explain that mother nature is not been good to me, but that I really want to catch up anyway even if we can’t have sex. He says that it’s ok because he’s been freaking out a little bit about actually catching up with me. So we decide that we are going to meet for a drink, I suggest a place near the city with easy parking, somewhere that no one will know us if they saw us.

Holden 2 heads one brain

We hug hello & he buys a couple of drinks, the conversation is easy but I do feel like I dominate the conversation, I mean I have always felt that with this couple anyway, I do feel that most of the time with everyone, I mean it’s why I have a blog, I have so much shit to tell everyone, that I have to write it down to get it all out!

It’s actually a really good date, the time goes so fast, & I actually have a really good time with him. I guess, you know we’ve been friends for two and a half years something before we actually met for this date/drink thing. So you know, it was easy. We talk about all sorts of topics, we chat about his relationship, my relationship with Noodle, we talk about people on the chat app & we just talk general shit. A few drinks in & it’s getting late, we both have to drive, but I hope that meeting me on his own has eased his nerves. I remember that Noodle was scared to meet me, so apparently I can be intimidating! We peck on the lips goodbye with a hug & we go our separate ways.

By the time I get home he’s text me to tell me that he got home safe & that he hopes I did too & that basically he doesn’t care about mother nature, so we should catch up tomorrow night. I think well day two is usually ok, so maybe we should. I tell him that I have a 30th to go to, that I really don’t want to go to, but that we can catch up after. I figure I’ll be out & looking cute in Port Adelaide so I can just pop to his side of town afterwards.

I message when I’m about to leave the party thinking that he will invite me over but he says that he’s out with his family, so I just go home a little disappointed. I mean he was the one that suggested it. Why suggest it if you don’t want to do it? I mean I get that perhaps his family knew he was going to be all alone this weekend, so they took him out to cheer him up?! I don’t know…

He tells me that his now ex wife didn’t want him to tell me that he’d split with her & I had pretended I didn’t know at Switch, I mean I didn’t want to have to explain I literally found out on my way in. Plus they had been to Switch before together with a group of us & they hated it. I mean I caught her in a lie that night too, so I just didn’t bother telling her I knew they’d split. She had at one point talked to Noddy & told me a different story to what he said, so I’ll never know the whole story, I guess. I just hate that I am always painted the bad guy with everyone in the Rope & Switch crew. I tell him I don’t need more drama in my life but then say “Yet, I’m chatting to you, quite contradictory!” Yeah why am I talking to this timebomb?! Although, fuck it, he’s single & I get along with him – she’s clearly not interested in being friends with me, so I don’t have to worry about the friendship anymore… I’m not doing anything wrong.

The next morning, I don’t wake up to a moaning message, so I send a picture of me actually in the shower (Remember the stick figure picture?) & he says “Fuck your drawing improved overnight” with some heart eye emojis & I actually laugh out loud. He asks for a picture of my ass, so I send some & I tell him that I am standing like a man so he asks me to send him more pictures so I can try out some different poses.

I tell him that I think this is just a ploy to see more pictures of me & he says the he wouldn’t ever do that. I find the magic 8 ball pic from the Kangaroo Island weekend on my phone & send it to him “It is certain” & he says “Fkn traitor 8 ball” I send him a naked pic & says “Whoops that supposed to be a gym ass” but he says that’s better. This is also when things are really not good at work, I drove all the way to Pt Augusta, stayed the night & the meeting was cancelled, so I don’t even know how to call my boss & it’s the beginning of a shit few months, I mean it’s been shit already but it gets worse, so I am thankful for the chats with Holden because it’s keeping me a bit sane. But makes me miss Noodle.

He asks me later if I’m home yet, I say that I am & ask what he is up too, he says he’s working from home again. I say “Your dick in your hand & porn is not considered work…” I tell him that my pre workout is making me feel like a meth addict & he asks if it makes me horny, I’m like do I really need pre workout to be horny? No, I don’t think so! Hahaha.

The next day, I don’t get a message again, so I figure I need to message him, show him that I am interested too… I mean I always make them make the effort so I message & ask how his day is & if he’s masturbating at home. Then I send Damn auto correct. I mean working from home” He just say that he’s son is home from school sick. I say that sucks & he says that he can’t watch porn. I sort of get a no chat vibe so I just leave it with that – we had sort of planned on me seeing him tonight, I was going to rock up in the trench coat, the fantasy I still haven’t done & was supposed to do with Abs but because he hasn’t said anything & didn’t message this morning, I just assume he doesn’t want to catch up. But later that night he asks how my days been, I say it’s pretty good & we chat for a bit, I tell him about the Port Lincoln flight I have to do tomorrow. I say that I assume it’s not happening tonight & I should just get in the bath. He says “Ohhh I didn’t wanna mention it cause it’s so far for ya & sounds like ya have a huge week. I should really be the one coming to yours. I need a bath” I tell him that I wouldn’t have suggested Wednesday if I didn’t want to, he says I can come now but I’m like it’s 8:00 pm now but the time I got there it would be 9:00pm but just assumed he was being a dude with excuses, you know the type, oh my sons sick, blah blah blah. He says “Oh hell no sorry didn’t mean to be silent I thought you were cause you were busy as” I decide to be cheeky & not upset about the fact I didn’t get sex when I thought all week about it & just tell him that I’ll just get into bed, naked, horny & use my toys. He says that it’s unfair but I tell him that he has no one to blame but himself, I even had my outfit out, I had actually laid out the lingerie, the knee high boots & the trench coat, deciding what to wear, I even had the stupid magnet in the jacket pocket… Remember the Easter egg incident with Noddy?! Well this is just a repeat, I do stuff like this then feel like an idiot! Noodle was the only one that was ever thoughtful like that, remember him leaving cheezels at my front door?! I wonder if he felt like a dickhead doing that?

Holden will get all the kids back this weekend so there is no sneaking me in with 5 kids there. He then doesn’t reply to me for ages & when he comes back he says that he had his parents, brother & sister all drop in, I don’t get the message as I’m asleep & I reply at 5:30am saying well that’s good then. I fly to Port Lincoln & later tell him that this is a fucked day that again no one has come to my meetings & so I have to ring my boss & tell him for the second time this week that my travel plans were a waste of time. I tell Holden & he says “Ohhh Shit” I get the feeling he isn’t interested in talking so I don’t reply & wait for him to write to me. He never does, I never hear from him again. Not really sure what went on with him to be honest. I assume he got back together with his wife. I delete him off Facebook after a while too, not wanting to know any more. I mean like I said it was probably for the best with the groups that we’re in.

Interestingly a few months or so later, I’m chatting to Fruitcup & she mentions how she was also going to meet Holden! OH REALLY?! They were chatting at the same time as me & he was super keen, they were sending pictures, she said she never met up with him because he stopped messaging her as well…

The thing that fucks me off about this, is that I was actually friends with this guy & his wife… I now don’t even speak to him, or his wife. I miss that. I kind of hate that I am losing friends & have people not liking me without me even knowing why or what I did…

#IBD4U