Month: Feb 2026

May 2025 – Change of plans

26 May 2025 – Monday, a risky day (all of a sudden, wasn’t risky before) for Phoenix, but without a discussion, Phoenix asks if I am home & if he can come see me, which he does. I love the surprise visit & he hug for a long time before going into my room to have sex. The sex is good, I am turned on but I literally am never going to cum today. Is it because of my mood? Is it just that sometimes women don’t cum? I’ve never not cum with Phoenix, ever… In eight years… & most times it would be more than once, so not being able to cum today is weird… I grab a vibrator out of the draw & cum while riding him.

He doesn’t rush off after sex, so I offer to make us lunch, which I make bacon & egg McMuffins where I toast the muffins. Literally 15 minutes after finishing eating, he leaves. As he leaves, he says, don’t miss me too much, so I send him a message, “I may be irrational, but at least I’m aware I’m being irrational! That should count for something?? 😝 I don’t mean to get upset cos I miss you… 🥹 I hate that I miss you… And I stupidly feel like you don’t care.” I hate that I am so needy, he set the precedence that he wanted to be in my life & now he’s making me feel like he doesn’t want to be, “I do miss you… but I don’t stress over little things, I do care however.” He doesn’t need to stress because I am always available! He’s never had to wait for me, “I don’t stress about it, I just get upset… Then grumpy… Also my way of feeling close to you is to have sex – so when we don’t, I just automatically think you don’t care about me….” He says that he does care. Well, he’s got a funny way of showing it…

I ask a question, that I do want to know the answer too, “Question – what’s one thing I do, not sexual, that you really love?” He says when I make him food, but I say that’s boring, so he asks me the same question, “Probably something just as boring, but I like you taking me on dates & driving…” But he is surprised “Wait you like going for the drives and the driving parts?” Yeah of course I do… He says he forgets that I haven’t had much of that.

FUCK, it hits me, something he said today & I finally catch up to what he meant “Ah, I just clicked… You said today that 3 months ago your wife was fucked on wegovy & so that’s why you had more time… Now she’s not, you ‘fall asleep’ every night… I’m such a fucktard.” I’m so fucking stupid, they’re having sex every night now so even though he said he didn’t want to say goodbye when I finish work at 4:00pm, he has been because he’s fucking her. She’s skinnier than me, she probably has reverted to the boring sex they had before me but nonetheless she is fucking him… “Huh? I’ve always fell asleep most nights, just after her. But lately before her. I was struggling to talk to you those nights 3 months ago.. but worked less so some nights easier.” Fuck it’s pumpkin o’clock, why did I bring this up now… He says, “I legitimately have been falling asleep by 9pm lately. The constant 6am starts take their toll, especially when I’m working long days in a stretch. I have not been talking shit IBD4U, I have legitimately been struggling to stay up 😐” I tell him that I should let him go, but he keeps going “I’m asleep by 10 most nights, and was asleep before 10 before I started chatting to you. I was only working 3 days a week 3 months ago … And had massive breaks between shifts. I work 2 weekdays and 1 weekend day. But yeah working like 5 days kills me sleep wise. I start to struggle by the 3rd day. Seriously it is that fucking bad. I hate it. Sleeping is a waste of time.” I leave the revelation alone, I don’t push it because I don’t want to be pissed off before I go to sleep tonight.

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27 May 2025 – After he finishes work, we talk on the phone, today he is recording the first podcast with the chick in Sydney. Ironically being they have no episodes yet nor have they worked out their dynamic with a few test episodes, but they are interviewing an 80’s music icon… How did she get an interview for free with someone without a established podcast? Anyway I am proud of him with a smidge of jealously, he’s written some questions & sent them to her ready for the recording. When he has finishes he just says it went well. So I have to probe him – you know what, side note, a month ago he wouldn’t shut up about the podcast & sent me all sorts of messages about it without me prompting, now it’s like getting blood from a stone from him about it – in fact when I think about it, unless I talk about sex, the text conversation is strained. Anyway I ask more questions & he says that he doesn’t think they have natural dynamic together & she asked all his questions because she did no preparation, but they organised to record another one this weekend.

The Handmaid’s tale finishes tonight, he’s downloaded it & added it to his plex & I tell him that he can download me another show called ‘Tabatha’s Salon Takeover’ & I also ask another time for ‘And Just Like That’ season three. A month or so ago when he gave me his plex account log in, he basically begged me to ask him for shows to download for me, but everything I’ve asked for seems like a chore now, he sends me a link to a playlist of Tabatha’s salon makeover that someone has created on YouTube – he says he did look but couldn’t find it to download. Why did he ask me so much to tell him if I wanted him to download something for me if he doesn’t really want to do it… It’s not like it’s incredibly hard, I probably would be able to do it myself, but I like that he wants to do it for me.

We’re talking about sex, which is usually what keeps him around chatting to me, but he says goodnight & I write back good night & something sweet. As I wait & wait for him to at least read what I wrote, I get more & more annoyed & so I delete the sweet message – so I don’t know what it said, I’m assuming I love you or something. I send, “Jesus, you fall asleep that quick, you can’t even read my goodnight message… Yeah rightio.” & I sit here wondering how many times can I go through this?!

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28 May 2025 – I don’t want to respond to his messages in the morning. But when I do I see that he’s sent a couple across the morning, “Oh I do fall asleep that quick!! You have no idea. I’m asleep in minutes! Good morning beautiful 😛 I swear I read goodnight tho last night.” But he 100% didn’t look at my messages, & so I say that I am not going to bother anymore, I don’t even know why I have been bothering, I’m so hurt that even him calling me beautiful doesn’t make me melt, like usual. “I read your goodnight message … Not sure why it didn’t show read… I 100% saw it… And you don’t believe me of course …” I just say a snippy “I’m really busy.” & he says okay, leaving me alone.

When I am silent for a while, assuming I won’t hear from him because of course, you all know that he has to be the most stubborn one, so I am surprised when he sends “I just want to give your sassy gf mood ass a hug 😛” Still being snappy, I say “Just saying what you say to me & how you treat me…🤷🏼‍♀️” He doesn’t think he has been doing anything wrong, “Oops. I do try and treat you better than before… You are allowed to be busy too!” Oh thanks Phoenix for giving me permission to be busy! But he did treat me better, but now he has regressed back to acting like Marvel.

However, I call him on my way home from work because an electrician (not the one I fucked) is coming over to change some power points over in my kitchen with the whole dishwasher debacle. So when the electricians are doing their work, Phoenix & I call again which puts me in a better mood but he also texts tonight, not really giving me much as I rant about work… He forgets he’s my person to vent too so when he doesn’t talk to me, I just think that I have to talk about sex to keep him interested. He says at one point, “yeah you go full woman mood swing mode these days.” I agree that he is now more than a FWB so that’s why he probably feels that way. But I am only reacting to his treatment of me. As he says good night, he sends me two GIFS that say ‘thinking of you’ & ‘love you good night’ but I say that I am not saying good night anymore so I just say “GN ABC” No kisses or hugs & I don’t read his last message.

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29 May 2025 – I have a fucking weird dream this morning about huntsman at my parents’ house following me to the toilet – I never would have remembered that if we didn’t talk about it. Hahaha but that leads us to talk about my dreams of him, “You literally infiltrate all my thoughts… Asleep or awake. I hate how much I think about you… And how much I plan my life to see you & what we’ll do & then you just throw all those plans away…” I know he’ll say that I don’t need to plan around him, but I fucking have too or we wouldn’t see each other. I have started making my clients on Saturday to start after 11:00am so I can see him for his breaks, I put fake meetings in my diary at work so I can talk to him on the phone or see him for lunch (not that he’s been to my work in ages). Today I am in training, so I get a few messages from him but don’t get to reply, “I do appreciate that you plan some of your life around me … You must really dig me 😛” I don’t think he realises the extent of what I do. I’ve missed the gym for him, for example because he doesn’t tell me his plans & just rocks up at my house, he wouldn’t fucking miss a minute of sleep for me, so there is no way he is missing anything or changing his plans for me. That’s not his fault, I take full responsibility for my idiocies but like I said before, we wouldn’t see or speak to each other as much (or as little) as we do if it wasn’t for me changing my plans & schedule all the time. Like tomorrow, it’s Friday so that means no phone call because he’ll finish work at 12:00pm & only has a five-minute drive home, because god forbid he is 15 or 20 minutes later. I suggest that he just tells her that he finishes at 12:30pm, so he has the time to call me after work when it’s convenient for me but of course, why would he do that? No it’s all good, IBD4U will make a fake meeting at work, so he can call me on his break around 9:00am! Yeah no worries… Fuck Fish.

We talk a little bit about the shit meetings I have just had to do with some employees that I am not okay with, but having been fired from the last three  jobs I’ve had, I’ve lost my confidence, paired with sending out some resume recently & getting back a bunch of no’s, not even getting a call… It’s fairly early when he says, “Anyway I’m heading off line. Hopefully chat later? Cya x.” But we don’t chat later, because he doesn’t come back online.

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30 May 2025 – He picks up the conversation where I had said I got home late, I hate that it’s Friday & he won’t be able to speak to me at lunch, so I say that I have made a meeting around 9:00am & booked a room to chat to him on his break in the morning. But he doesn’t tell me until he’s 15 minutes into his break so we only talk for 15 minutes.  He says, “I didn’t know i was getting a special meeting room! I got a special meeting with the hr chick!” but I fucking told him yesterday that I would make myself available to make sure we got our phone call…

He goes out somewhere later that afternoon & he calls me – I think it was to get a gas bottle, so not a long call. But when he finishes his errand, he then calls me again on his way home. Which I am thankful & appreciative of the two additional calls today knowing he couldn’t really text with me on a Friday.

I tell him again, that he can download the sex & the city revival (which isn’t great but I have to watch it being I have seen it all!) for me when he is bored, it was released today & he says “well I am never bored, just saying hi haha.” Are you kidding?! Doesn’t he say all the time that he chats online to people when he is bored on his days off?! & wasn’t this something he want to do for me? He says it takes days to be uploaded usually, also again is he kidding?! He was downloading the handmaids tale the day it was released for me – within hours… Now all of sudden shows aren’t up for days?! Okie dokie!

We’ve planned to see each other tomorrow, I think on the phone we’ve talked about breakfast & hanging out, I still want the sexless dates, but so far we’ve had sex pretty much every time we’ve seen each other. So when he says he’s just going to come to my house early in the morning, I can’t help but be deflated. He says, “what would you prefer? a breakfast date or early morning fuck?” & I say both, but if I am honest, I would like the breakfast & to see him more so we can have sex another day, but he says “hahaha. well I need to go to bed now for a sneaky morning fuck 😛 haha well a morning fuck it is 😛 goodnight IBD4U :)” I am so confused, he had planned to have a breakfast date with me, now he’s just coming over for a morning fuck, maybe we’ll go out for breakfast after we have sex? I never know what he’s fucking planning, but I’ll just change my whole day for you Phoenix! I’ll miss the gym because who the fuck knows what time he’ll rock up…

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Ps I love you

22 May 2025 – I have not seen Phoenix this week, because today is the only day he suggested he could see me, but I had two 2-hour meetings with my team & assumed that the team would have lunch together, but no one mentioned it & we were all going our separate ways, so I tell him that he can come see me, after last night & my responses today, I would assume he would jump at the chance to come see me – didn’t he say he wants to see me as much as he can?! But he says, “Yeah just call me, I would of been way more organised and starting painting straight away if I knew you were free. I also have no showered today yet haha. and I can smell myself haha”. I can’t say I’m not disappointment that he just didn’t rush around like I fucking do, jumping in the car to make the effort, even bringing him a drink & usually food with very little notice. But we have been talking on the phone a lot & the face to face catch up – especially the sexless ones are dwindling unless I go to his work…

It’s weird, it started off with a few phone calls here & there, to every second day or so, to now it’s every lunch. We’ll call each other & I will go for a walk at lunch & talk for 30 minutes on the phone via snapchat calls, I can pretty much go on my break at any time if I don’t have meetings, so when he is at lunch we’ll call each other, so it’s become our thing… I don’t know though if he has just fallen into a pattern of calling just because that’s what you do in a relationship or if he really enjoys talking absolute bullshit with me. But the fact he hasn’t really being making an effort to see me for these so called sexless dates, its just very perplexing… Why did he start them & make such a big fucking deal about them, make me want them & then pull back on them? Yet he’d sent me a meme that reminded him of me, which is today’s heart…

Am I just a friend?!

I try after our call to organise a time next week, for a few hours or a day but he’s being non-committal & saying that Monday’s are risky but he could see me on the weekend… Well it’s Thursday, I am talking about next week, so is he not going to see me for over a week?! Again, didn’t he say that he was going to try to see me as much as possible?! I just don’t know what is going on here… Why is he making me now feel like I’m some sort of obligation… He’s seen me on Monday’s plenty of times…

I’m trying to chat as normal as I can, telling him that I have told a few people at work I’m seeing someone that he is a FIFO who has his kids on the weeks he’s home, that I’ve known him for years… But I am barely getting any sort of responses from him that evoke the conversation, when he takes over an hour to reply, from my messages before 4:00pm, around 5:30pm he says, “I’m heading offline, I’ve got work tomorrow so will chat then but need to be up early so will go to bed early. so night IBD4U xxc.” & he’s gone…

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23 May 2025 – When I write, I sometimes write as things happen, I sometimes just write notes. Sometimes I write it as a diary, just as I am now. This is how I feel now, while I write it, not necessarily how I feel every day or how I will feel tomorrow, or if I will every feel like this again. But I write tonight feeling low, sitting in his jumper which is already losing his smell.

But this week, I’ve got my period, the week at work is awful – I am having to do something at work that I am vehemently against, yet somehow I have to run the process & it just seems insane to me that my boss also doesn’t agree with the process but her solution was for me to give it to someone else in the team. I said to her that it’s not a solution & I am not doing that. So not seeing Phoenix along with giving up the gym & trying to take the dogs for walks when I get home & doing a Pilates program on my phone, I am sick of being fat. Because of course Phoenix wife is on some weight loss injection & doesn’t eat & she now weighs less than me, I don’t know if telling me I am sexier & have a better body is helping because I have put on weight on my legs & hips which I can’t shift. He even told me this weekend I have fat legs. (maybe not quite like that but it stuck with me) But now she’s skinny, he doesn’t need me…

So I have some left over weight loss injection that was so expensive so I haven’t thrown it out but one that gave me awful side effects, like almost instantly, I get heartburn that makes me vomit & I get constipated straight away. But nevertheless, I started injecting the daily dose every second day to try to keep the side effects down but promote some weight loss. Dr Phoenix has told me, “Ohhh. They all have bad side effects…haha. That’s what helps lose weight. But it appears to make alot of people sick all of them.” I am not feeling great & hating that this strained conversation with Phoenix has been going on for almost a month now, I snap, “Other ones didn’t make me feel as bad as this one. Your wife has tried one, it doesn’t make you an expert.”

Despite seeing him last Saturday & Sunday, fucking at my house for a few hours & then in the car, it’s starting to be more distant. I have been waiting for it to go back to how it was, sporadic messaging, catching up once a month, but he’s been fairly consistent but the logging off without a goodbye & not coming back is taking its toll. We made an agreement, that we don’t say ‘I love you’ to each other as a transaction. I don’t want him to have to say it to me, every fucking time he sees me or every time he speaks to me. I don’t want it to be an obligatory thing that you say that loses all meaning. But right now, he hasn’t said it to me via text since the 13 May 2025 & I can’t recall him telling me in person since before then either. I don’t just know because I save our chats & have gone back to confirm, I know because he is he only partner who has ever said it to me that I remember when he says it because I don’t hear it very often & it means a lot to me.

The disconnect, paired with him either saying goodbye really early like today it was around 3:30pm (even though he said he didn’t want to say goodbye when I finish work, when I tried to instigate it) & said that he probably wouldn’t come back online tonight or even not even saying goodbye at all, pretty much since the night he ‘fell asleep’, he’s seemingly pulling away. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just a master of self sabotage, things started going well in my love life, but things started going shit everywhere else so I sabotage the only good thing in my life. Is this the only good thing in my life? Maybe I put this out in the universe but I think it was inevitable. The more I say it pisses me off, the more he pulls back & doesn’t give a fuck if he loses me or not. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t like that he logs off & when this all first started he’d find cheeky ways to message me, but lately, he doesn’t. Does that mean he doesn’t care? Does that mean he doesn’t want too? Does that mean that he genuinely doesn’t get an opportunity? Does it mean that he’s fucking her? Or does it mean I should accept the ever insulting reply that he’s ‘busy’?

There are times when he sends me a meme – one the other day said ‘Sometimes you just need a secret friend to pound the living fuck out of you’ or ‘the best sex comes from someone you are not supposed to be fucking’ I am reminded that he sees something & thinks about me. So why doesn’t he want to come back online at night to talk to me? Why doesn’t he find time to message me cheekily? Is it because he knows I get angry when he doesn’t say that he’s going offline? Does he think I don’t remember him telling me he can’t jerk off when I was sending pictures to him but he was in bed with her. Does he think I don’t remember him using snapchat on the web to sneakily chat to me on his computer? Does he think I don’t remember when he used one of his weird Gameboy things to message me sneakily? Does he think I don’t remember when he wanted to chat to me & not take me for granted?

I knew that he had snapchat hidden in a secure folder on his phone so I didn’t know until he had mentioned a while ago that he deletes it & reinstalls it even though it’s hidden, just as he did with the chat app many years ago. He tells me that she found the folder last time she went through his phone. I ask when she last went through his phone & he says that it’s not that often but she has gone through it. I’m not gonna lie, I hope she does find our snapchat conversation, there is no way he can talk his way out of that if she finds it. He won’t be able to whittle our relationship down to a couple of months because it’s all saved on there – that’s not why I save it. I save it because I want to look at it later & write about it.

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24 May 20205 – He sends me a picture of something at his work that I have wanted for a while & asks if I am coming to see him this morning – maybe he did mean this weekend? I go to his work to buy what I want but realise I don’t have coins for a trolley so I want for him to have his break & we walk in together, he gets me a trolley & then he won’t serve me on checkout.

I am trying so hard, I feel like I am putting in effort, I feel like I trying despite feeling distance to chat to him & think of things to say, I am him “⚠️ Do you want to hear a teanager girlfriend fact?” & he says sure, “Tomorrow, it’ll be 90 days since A3v2.0 kicked off… 3 month anniversary!” I think that he might say Happy Anniversary as a joke being he didn’t say it to me on our actual anniversary but instead after hardly messaging me at all today – I know we saw each other today, but was just his lunch break in my car, that I get “haha that is cute. I’m off to bed. night xx”

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25 May 2025 – He sends me two memes, one for me & one that is him. I couldn’t agree with either more, but I say to him that he’d never make it to 11:42pm… I never sleep well, so many that’s why I struggle to understand someone falling asleep before they get a chance to say goodnight to their girlfriend.

We barely message today, I go to his work again for his lunch break. I feel so stupid when I make such an effort & all he does now is call me for my breaks, so why the fuck do I go see him? Because I realised the other day he hasn’t said I love you & just my mood this week, I mention to him that he hasn’t said it in almost two weeks. I said I didn’t want it to be a habit, he’d said he only wanted to say it when he felt it… So does he not feel it? Because I’d rather know that if he can’t handle my moods, lets end it now or just go back to being Marvel with monthly fucking.

When I am driving home he messages me “Ps I love you.” I say that he is a dick & he says that I loved it & it made me tingle, but I say “I’d love it if you meant it.” I don’t want him to say it because I brought it up… Fuck I know I am confusing but he was saying it all the fucking time & now I can’t even get him to chat to me & seem interested. “I do fuckin mean it!” but it’s not how he’s making me feel “Literal Phoenix this week ‘I do like talking on the phone with you. Bye I’m not coming back tonight.’” But he says “I am an old tired man. We did chat during the day the entire week! And a couple of nights earlier. You just have selected memory.” Oh yeah, I remember him not less than two months ago reading my blog over & over & sending me a whole A4 page rant & message upon message, to it dwindling & I literally feel like if I didn’t put in any effort, like I have done this week, we barely have two A4 pages for the whole fucking day! “Sorry for having an actual boyfriend for the first time in 18 years, in a unconventional relationship so I can’t be with him more than a few hours, so I want more text time but he’s an old man that prefers to sleep.” He says that he hates falling asleep, I mean I think he has a health issue, no one could fall asleep that easily every fucking night, even if they don’t have to get up early. I say goodnight because I am not waiting around for his early goodnight that will piss me off, but of course, he says, “Ahh okay. I was awake tonight dammit. Goodnight” Ah, of course he was & I’m expected to be available for him!

#IBD4U

May 2025 – 69 or a 9?

18 May 2025 – So that was one the hottest orgasms I have ever had… It was intense, connected & sensual. He leaves about 3:00pm, we chatted for a little bit, me starting the conversation to show him I care & love him. He talk about my dinner with my friend & her husband, his last message to me is mid conversation at 5:30pm. I send a snap of my outfit for the dinner around 6:00pm & then tell him when I am home at 8:00pm.

I get nothing until 6:00am the next day, with just a message saying he was asleep by 9:00am last night… Would have been nice if I was asleep instead of waiting for him to come back online… I decide not to write back to him until after 8:00am, “So we are doing the not talking after work till the next day?! Would’ve been nice to get that memo so I don’t look like a fucking dick all the time.” I don’t want to keep making a big deal out of this, but fuck I am so hurt, how many times does he get to do this to me & just say he was tired… “I should of told you i went to bed sorry… I just assumed I wouldn’t fall asleep … sorry. Well not that early or for long .. I do want to talk to you at night but don’t want you to feel like a dick. It’s a hard balance with my old man body that falls asleep…” An hour later, I say, “All good, we just won’t talk after 4pm from now on.” I am sick of this feeling, I even tried to just ignore it last night & send a couple of messages in the hopes he would come back online after that intense connection today, but I won’t ever be ok with this… “You sure? I’ve got a good roster next week where I can be up a bit later so yeah. It all depends on my body , my hours I’m waking up, my work load. If she’s asleep. It’s fucking annoying as I want to chat to you. I’m sorry it makes you feel like a dick because I wanted to chat to you last night.”

Does this song come to mind for anyone else, or just me?! Sam Smith – How Do You Sleep?

I’m done hating myself for feeling
I’m done crying myself away
I’ve gotta leave and start the healing
But when you move like that, I just want to stay

What have I become now?
Looking through your phone now, oh no
Love to you is just a game
Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight

Tell me how do you
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you

Oh no, how did I manage to lose me?
I am not this desperate, not this crazy
There’s no way I’m sticking around to find out
I won’t lose like that, I won’t lose myself

Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight

Tell me how do you (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you
Oh, love will keep you up tonight

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
(Tell me how do you)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Max Martin / Savan Harish Kotecha / – Ilya / Samuel Frederick Smith

How Do You Sleep? lyrics © Mxm Music Ab, Naughty Words Limited, Stellar Songs Limited, Songs Of Wolf Cousins, Hipgnosis Songs Fund Limited, Hipgnosis Side A

Funnily enough, these things that make him fall asleep weren’t an issue for the first two months, when he pushed & pushed for this to be more… I was reluctant, I was scared, I was apprehensive about either of us letting down the walls because I knew I would be the one who got hurt again, & I get hurt every fucking time he just ‘falls asleep.’ & he just can’t see that this is destroying our relationship… He chose to communicate better & now he chooses not too… Slowly, but it is eroding what we have & I don’t know if it can be repaired if it is broken ever again, I know he won’t try to fix it, he never does, but I don’t think I can fix this if it breaks… “Yeah, well, I’d rather not be laying there struggling to stay awake myself only to find you’re obviously sleeping soundly without a thought of me.” but he says, “I do think of you…And miss you …” I don’t reply, you can’t fucking think of me when you’re asleep! On his first break he calls me… I know I am probably bitchy, but I don’t care. But he says something sweet to me & my icy exterior melts away a bit & before I know it I am agreeing to meet him after his shift at 3:00pm for a catch up, not because he deserves to see his girlfriend, but because his girlfriend deserves to see her boyfriend.

He just keeps saying he doesn’t think he was going to fall asleep, I ask, “When you lay down & your eyes start closing & you feel you can’t stay awake, you can’t pick up your phone & say night #IBD4U before you drift off into your comfortable non interrupted slumber at 9pm… When your eyes start getting heavy, you think your going to get up & run a marathon?! Or you clearly just fuck your wife & then can’t use you phone in bed & just tell me you fall asleep…” I mean my phone is in my hand until I literally put it down to close my eyes, is he saying that he gets into bed, puts his phone down to fuck his wife & then is to tired to pick it up & falls asleep… Yeah because that’s the image I have in my head! He says that they don’t do it at night because their son stays up past him most nights but whatever, there would be no such thing as siblings if parents didn’t have sex with their kids around.

On his second break he calls me again, I mean, it’s infuriating that I am so easy & all he has to do it call me or send me a few messages & then things are alright again & I am looking cute heading down to his work to see him. Oddly, we have had a lot of sex this week, Wednesday we went to Hahndorf & fucked afterward, we saw each other twice yesterday, fucking for over 2.5 hours, but we drive around looking for a place to fuck – what happened to the sexless dates?! Yeah I knew that was bullshit… We are just sex, no matter what he tries to make it… I ride him but my clit is sensitive & I struggle to cum. I sit on his lap with his cock inside me & he watches me rub my clit gently until I cum… I think he likes watching me make myself cum as much as he likes making me cum. Later he tells me “At this point in time I’m not gonna be offended if you don’t cum 😜” I guess that’s good to know… At least he knows that I don’t fake it with him. On my way home, I say that we should say goodnight now & even though I am sad when he agrees, knowing he won’t make an effort to chat to me now, even if he’s awake. I am relieved I don’t have to wonder if he’s coming online or not, because I know he won’t.

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19 May 2025 – Our snapchat streak number today is 69 & I reminds him that we did a 69 on the weekend, but he says that I struggle with a 69 that it turns into a 9… Well then! I say sorry for disappointing him, jesus christ mate! He says “Na I get a nice view of your cunt and ass. Never disappointed.” Hahaha, at least that’s something! He says that I suck his dick a little but then just moan on it, which he says feels good, but I can’t help that he is sucking my clit so good that I can’t concentrate on his cock!

I end up saying goodnight early again even though she is at work tonight, but when he starts taking a while to reply, I just am going to say goodnight. He asks a question but then says goodnight. I don’t bother looking at it till the morning…

Have you noticed how much smaller the day posts are, this day for example only translates to two paragraphs, because the chat is so limited, yes we do talk on the phone most days now but only for 30 minutes, if we’re not fighting about my blog or talking about sex, then he seems to not want to text me much – I don’t know if that’s true but we’ve basically reduced our texts by a fuck ton of A4 pages when I copy & paste them like a stalker, to a page… At least when we were fighting he was talking, putting in effort & making me feel like he was interested in fixing this & genuinely wanting to make the wrongs of the past right. But now… What does he want…?

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20 May 2025 – I tell him today that I am in a bad mood when I finally message him at 7:20am. Why the fuck did he start this with me if he knew he wasn’t going to be able to maintain it? I never asked for this, I never asked for the dynamic to change & I want the energy he was giving me in March minus the blog fights… He, of course thinks I am in a bad mood because I have my period, something now as my boyfriend he gets told about, but ironically, when I have my period I am usually in a better mood than the week before or after. I even wrote about that in my pen & paper journal I had when I was with Boyfriend.

I tell him I am sad that his jumper just smells like me now, he asks if I have taken it off, which I pretty much haven’t, because at this point, I feel like there is no other way to be close to him. We have either said good night around 4:00pm or 5:00pm & he hasn’t been coming back online, then like this morning even though I know he is fucking up, I don’t get a message for hours after he’s awake…

The phone calls are a part of my day I really look forward too, I love how happy I am just hearing his voice. He says “Hehe glad I bring some happiness to your day 😋 And some frustration. And some pleasure 😛” Well at least he can admit that too!! Hahaha. I wish that he would call me for my afternoon walk that I have started with the dogs instead of the gym. But he doesn’t because his kids are home by the time I go on my afternoon walk. He says goodbye & that he’ll try to come online tonight.

I can’t help myself but I am watching the Handmaids tale, the penultimate episode of the series & spoiler alert if you want to watch it, they kill off two of my favourite characters… LIKE WTF. So I can’t help but write a message to Phoenix about it even though he has no fucking idea what I am talking about… Or that he bothers to come back online tonight to read it. But he has downloaded & put on his plex account for me, so I am a happy little vegemite.

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21 May 2025 – It’s around this time because he’s never online at night & has dramatically reduced how much time he allocates to texting me, that I realise how much this job is just fucking cooked. There are so many things I don’t agree with, so many dumb processes that no one has questioned & when I do, they say ‘that’s how we’ve always done it’ so I question further & either get shut down or they change the process. Like these fortnightly meetings which was just a waste of time that a report of at least 20 different things needed to be produced, but stupidly they were done on excel but the data is copy & pasted to word – it takes forever & out of all the meetings I have been to, to present this report to my region, I am aways last & they run out of time & I never get to present it. I was doing 1:1 which were much more useful & less accusatory when I put my report up on the screen calling someone out for not doing what they should be doing… So when I present the way I have been doing it to my boss, she then takes the idea & stops them all for every region! I just hate that no one is innovative or wanting to make change.

I am also in HR & have to do performance management bullshit but the management haven’t really done their due diligence prior to the meetings so I feel like HR is just a scapegoat. Like one thing I am dealing with right now is that someone is in trouble because they wrote notes about eggs but the colleague went through the bin & didn’t find egg shells, so the guy who wrote eggs is now in trouble… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! But maybe that’s why things are so hard for me with Phoenix, I hate this job & if he was just talking to me fortnightly & seeing me monthly like the last five years, I wouldn’t care, but I am invested now & he is the only good part of my day, it’s just sucky that I’m not his… He told me he wanted to make an effort that he wanted to stop taking me for granted, but for the last month, his effort level has halved & he is back to taking me for granted & we’re really just sex again with phone calls…. Anyway my point of that whole thing was that I have applied for a few jobs. I ask where his brother works again because I just applied for a job there… Part of me hopes I get it so I can meet his brother properly, maybe I can date him & he might treat me better?! Hahaha. Probably not from what Phoenix says he’s like with his daughter & part of why he is now divorced. Would make for some interesting blogs though… Hahaha. I wonder if I was with his brother, if I would cheat on him with Phoenix at a family function… I mean, that is if I still have my eyes because his wife has scratched them out, we would be undressing each other with our eyes.

We are having a really boring conversation about my rego, I pay it monthly but it’s saying my car is unregistered, but then when I go to register it, it says it’s registered. It’s so weird, but I say sorry for being boring, he replies, “I don’t mind talking about boring shit…. It would annoy me if I travelled as far as you do, haha, that it says it’s expired! I enjoy talking to you, can’t always be about sex….. You are also my girlfriend and are welcome to bitch, talk about your day, your tedious shit, etc  or your tv shows :P. You will just have to put up with my boring stuff sometimes too….” yeah but he has to to talk about this kind of boring shit with his wife, he doesn’t need me to add to it too.

His non sex topic, he says “Well I did a bucketlist thing yesterday. and it’s super lame” I ask what, but then ask “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday??” I don’t really get his excitement but I definelty want him to know I am interested in any topic, “Finished a really really hard video game from my childhood. that I got in 1997 for Chrismas but never finished it because it was so hard. I even posted to my group and got 150 likes haha, under my personal account too. because I was so proud.” He says it’s lame & didn’t want to bore me with it yesterday, I always want to hear what he has to day, I don’t get it & am not a gamer but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it… I don’t want to be like his wife that he holds this stuff back from because he feels self conscious about it.

I don’t really get the game he was talking about but then I am reminded of a commodore 64 game from the late 80’s early 90’s that I tell him he should download for me, he says he probably already has it, I think it was actually called Donald Duck, I find it on YouTube to show him. Ironically he does have it, which is so funny, the music & the stupid duck! He then sends me a link to a computer version of it, which I think is so fucking adorable, he asks how, “I literally say something & nek minit Phoenix has it downloaded & sends to me!” It’s so fucking cute!

I am being super sweet to him, “You are so fucking cute…!! 🥰 I love it. Makes me just want to cuddle you… Sit in your lap, tickle your head & watch you close your eyes cos you like it so much… I love when you babble stuff about computers… I do not find it off putting geeky. It’s geeky but cute.  I mean sometimes I don’t have anything to say back, not cos I’m sitting here going ‘fuck Phoenix is a geek’ but because I don’t know some of the stuff… But I love hearing about it. I love how passionate you are. You make me fall in love with you a little bit more everyday.” I wait & wait & wait for a reply… Looking back maybe he was looking at the games but he takes ages to reply & the replies are now one or two words, so I send ”Ok, you’ve obviously gone to sleep. Night.” & I put my phone down so fucking upset I finally felt like we were in a good place & he just proves to me daily how much of a fuckwit I am.

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Sniff my panties

15 May 2025 – The next morning, he says that he slept like shit, so I don’t know why he didn’t message me, but whatever. I send him a picture of me in his jumper & he says it looks massive on me, I mean I does look like an oodie if I am honest. I say to him, “You’re supposed to say ‘you look so fucking cute wearing my clothes IBD4U!‘” but he says “Well giving you a compliment that you are small and cute kinda 🤷‍♂️” Why does he have to add kinda… Fuckwit! He tells me that he left it on purpose & he put extra aftershave on it for me. Well that’s fucking adorable…

We talk about my writing & I say that there is a point, where I come across as a petulant teenager, I do know that I am not innocent in our fights, but I am 100% not always the one at fault, he says “You and your teenage mood swings trying to test me sometimes. You do seem more moody on weekends now that I think about it.. Well starts on a Friday haha.” As if he doesn’t realise why, I mean it’s seemingly ok to message me when he’s lying in bed with her but not during the day…? I don’t get it, I will never get it – either he can message me around her, or he can’t… Not just when it suits him & that’s where the problem lies. What he doesn’t realise, that unless I tracked her work weekend that she works, things would be way worse because he never fucking tells me that he’s not going to be online a lot that weekend.

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16 May 2025 – I tell him that I didn’t sleep till after 3:30am because I may or may not have read a message from him in 2018 that pissed me off, made me overthink & no be able to sleep. I was looking for a picture of us together, but came across some messages post break up one when he was coming back online to deliberately hurt me, so I would hate him, instead of just leaving me the fuck alone to heal, he came back to just destroy me completely. I don’t know why I talk to him about it today, I guess as much as he’s pulling away, I am trying to push him away? I don’t know… He asks what it was about, so I try to explain – but I am trying to catch him out again if I am honest, trying to protect myself, “I mean, you’ve said to me multiple times now that you’ve never ever gone down on your wife – the whole time you’ve known her… Like 20 years, right?? And you’ve said that you never fucked anyone else but me, her, Sweetie & that dude in the last 20 years….” to which he says “And if I said any different in 2018 there is a chance I was lying. I 100% have never fucked anyone else …” I do believe that this is true, he would have rubbed it in my face if he had of fucked another woman, I’m sure of that… But his messages from 2018 are pissing me off & making me really over analyse what he said… So in 2028, he wrote “Opps. It’s fun fucking other people tho. You made me heaps bette at sex btw. Apparently I’m a good kisser now and good at oral. And a lot better than before.10 years of the same person gets boring .” The bit that stands out for me is the ‘apparently he is a good kisser & good at oral…’ so someone told him this, “That was saying you make me good at oral… Not My wife.” No mate, saying apparently, means someone else has told you that you’re good at it… He wasn’t talking about me!

I don’t know why I have brought this up when we are in a good place, “I’m pretty sure I’ve never gone down on her. She hates it and feels self consciousness. I didn’t enjoy doing it until you. She won’t even let me do it if I tried, even in 2018. And didn’t let other men do it either. Being a larger girl she can’t do it… I was saying shit to make you jealous or piss you off. Id probally seen your pics about your old mate crow one fetlife which was way buffer than me and better at head than me and turns out pretty much did everything you did with me with him 🤷‍♂️ What do you say , tit doe tat ?” OMG every women, no matter her size can get head, all you have to do is spread your legs, so that’s dumb, does he not remember I was over 100kgs at one point! He says that it was 100% a lie, he did try to go down on her but she wouldn’t let him… “But fucking other people or the oral thing was an outright lie.” Hmmmm… Sure.

Things just don’t add up… It was a long time ago but now that I am fired up about it, I can’t stop, “You had told me that you were pushing for an open relationship to see me…! So much of your story just doesn’t make sense now… Like you apparently asking in the hospital to see us both… Which she said no but then was totally fine to be in an open relationship…  You never wanted to see me, you want to fuck whatever you could so don’t actually pretend that you were trying to push me away so I would move on. You literally could not have cared even a smige for me if you were willing to hurt me like that…. Constantly. Everyday. Telling me something new about your sex life.” He’s told me before how narcissistic he is, I just never saw it as much as I do now…

“I did care … And I did ask to have an relationship with both of you while she was in hospital. I wasn’t allowed to see you in our open but was hoping it would create an opportunity sneakily too. I didn’t lie about that. You clearly have over thought about this. But you would of kept fucking the crows dude no matter what, and would you still fucking him Today if he didn’t stop. You make it super obvious in your blog , even in past tense only a couple of years ago. You even complain about it to rob rob who tells you to message him again in hopes he would fuck you again… And note this in your blog, that is frustrated you that you guys aren’t still fucking. And note how good at Head he is. And clearly he was more attractive than me with bigger arms and a 6pack, and made you cum and squirt just like I do , he did anal and rimming with you too, and all the dirty scenarios you did with me. Clearly he left a big mark on you , and was also a married guy fucking you and clearly it annoyed you even though I was fucking you at the time and never stopped not long after he stopped. So I was clearly never enough for you 🤷‍♂️”

Oh good fucking god, how does he turn this around on me, what was I supposed to do, be celibate & wait for Phoenix to come back to me!? “That’s not even true at all… I didn’t have an emotional connection with him at all… He didn’t leave a mark on me at all… He was sex & that was what I needed becsuse you were busy telling me about choking your wife & 3sums & her cumming & rimming you… I found someone to have sex with, I was litterally fucking devastated about losing you & you telling me all that shit that I didn’t eat for months. I barely slept. Don’t get me started on who wasn’t good enough cos it 100% wasn’t you.” One of us has to back done here & to my surprise, he says, “how’s about we not think about 2018 or whatever it was.” I agree, why the fuck are we fighting about this! It’s a Friday, he usually doesn’t talk to me at all, why are we fighting… But also he backed down because he knows I’m right!

At 4:20pm, he asks me, “Did you want kids when you were younger ?”, which I say I did, “Yeah I did… And I kinda did when I always said I didn’t, I jist said I didn’t cos I never met anyone in my baby making years who wanted babies with me… So was easier to say I didn’t want them than be disappointed that I didn’t get them.” I feel like this is the first time I have really ever said that out loud. I did always think I would be married with kids, but as the years went on & as the baby making years passed me by & I was still single, I started saying that I really didn’t want them to save myself the heart ache of not having them. Ten minutes later, my message is unread so I ask if he decided to go out for dinner tonight, it’s his brothers birthday but he was bitching about it on the phone to me saying it’ll be expensive because his wife doesn’t eat & also his kids wont eat much but it’s an all you can eat restaurant… But I get no reply, no goodbye, nothing… Sorry did we not talk about this? Was he not the one who wanted to set rules so I don’t feel like a twat?! Also why start a fucking D&M about something that I am sensitive about to leave me on unread…. Fucking asshole. But at 8:20pm while out with his family & shouldn’t be online, he says he’s at dinner now & won’t be online tonight. I say ‘have a good night’ & I am so fucking pissed.

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17 May 2025 – Of course I wait for his message today, because I am not making an effort. When he comes online he doesn’t talk about the question he asked me. But we talk about the long weekend that is coming up in June, I am going away with my family, but say I could possibly come to his work one of the days. But he is unclear if he is working or not, he says a few times that he is working, then he says he isn’t, then he says he is… I have no clue if he is working or not or what it means if he is or isn’t… It’s a confusing conversation. & I wonder why he’s being evasive…

I head to his work after the gym for his break, I get there around 9:00am because that’s what time he said & he hasn’t responded to any messages. I pull up & he says that it’ll be around 9:30am. But then as that gets closer, he isn’t sent on his break until 10:00am. I have to get home by 11:00am as I have two lash clients today, one of them Nee. I didn’t have time to bring him a proper lunch but I had gone to the shops before I came up, not knowing as I was shopping that he was going to ask me to come for lunch, I didn’t have much time so I got the snacks I needed for the week & head up to his work. Turns out, I did have time but doesn’t matter. We chat, kiss & touch & his break goes quicker than I ever want them to go… I get home & do my first client & am waiting for Nee to rock up, when Phoenix says that he’s been sent home from work early, he was supposed to work till 3:00pm, but they have sent him home at 12:00pm. He tells me to tell him when I am free, because Nee hasn’t rocked up, I message her to say that she can contact me when she wants to reschedule & she’ll have a $25 cancellation fee, but she writes “I won’t be coming back for lashes.” Ok, well first you could have cancelled your appointment though your booking confirmation text or just let me know… I have to see her every day at the gym, I tried to talk to her several times but got nothing from her so I just stopped. Whatever bitch, now I can take my boyfriend lunch, but he says that he’s coming to me. Oh, hahaha I’m confused… He calls me on his way to my house & I make us some toasted sandwiches.

He gets to my house around 12:20pm, I am reeling over Nee & how she just didn’t rock up when she has to see me every day at the gym… Not like we won’t bump into each other. I don’t care if people can’t get their lashes done but just click on the text message & cancel your appointment! You don’t even have to talk to me or tell me… As I dwell on this ridiculous incident that has just make me want to cancel my gym membership – which I ultimately do on the 19 May 2025, however I have to give four weeks’ notice, so I will have to keep going. Phoenix walks in, comes up behind me kissing me, rubbing my sides & feeling me all over as I am making lunch – simple toasted cheese & ham sandwiches so I start by telling him that she’s deleted me from Facebook & I have no idea what has happened.

I had asked Tee what had happened, but she doesn’t really know either. I talk so easily to Phoenix, something so ridiculous & high school like. I would normally not bore him with this shit, but this is our relationship now. I genuinely couldn’t ever imagine having someone in my house, just making lunch while he got his drink & sat down listening to my fucking high school drama. I know there is shit I say about not wanting a man to live with me etc, I say that shit cos I always figured at this point in my life, I wouldn’t ever had a guy live with me again & also I don’t know if I could. But this, this simple act of him walking in, getting his own drinks, pacing around (that’s what he does a lot), & coming up behind me to rub his hands all over me, over my tits & basically just to distract me feel so normal & feels so right. I wish I had more of this!

After a quick lunch, we head to the bedroom, he doesn’t have heaps long, he finished work at 12:00pm, but his roster says 3:00pm so he has a couple of hours before he has to leave. We cuddle in bed, in clothes, which is sort of a first, we usually get to my room & are naked, but we lay there in clothes, just touching each other. When his hand moves between my legs, up my long denim skirt, my legs have a mind of their own & they spread so easily for him. Every time he does this lately, I am fucking butter in his hands… I melt. I say “I’m sorry Phoenix” & he asks what with a worried look on his face, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you your intruder/rape fantasy, ” he chuckles & asks why? I say that I won’t be able to push him off, even if it’s pretend, I don’t think that I will be able to play the part. I think my legs will spread & my body will just succumb to him & he won’t get the consensual non-consent fantasy because I will just be incapable of it.

He does this slow gentle rub of my clit, slow sweet torture that makes me gyrate my hips & begging him to rub my clit till I cum, over & over… Fuck it feels so good… He makes me cum multiple times this way & I fucking love it. Even writing about it now, I am feeling my cunt get a little wet at the thought of it! As I climb on top of him, because I am ready for his cock inside me now. I realise that I am still wearing my panties, because I remember last time I straddled him with panties, & I rubbed my cunt over his cock, that I gave him a cut on his dick that his wife found – yeah I didn’t love hearing that she found it cos she sucks his dick & obviously did it a few days after I fucked him. I fucking hate thinking about her when I am with him – I guess it’s an occupational hazard so to speak, but when it’s my time, I want it to be just about us. Urgh, ger your head back in the game IBD4U!! So I slip them off & I climb on top, sliding my cunt over his hard cock, so we both make this moan noise of that feeling of the first time he enters me. I realise I am holding my very wet panties, I say something about how wet they are & I flick them on the bed, I don’t even know really where they land as I have started sliding up & down on his cock, they maybe land on his chest or around near his head, but they are close by. I slide up on his cock & as I am coming down, I notice that he has grabbed my panties in his big hands & he has put them to his nose…. OMG, fuck that is so fucking hot!

This is the stuff of fifty shades of grey & to be honest, when I saw that part in the movie, it was a tad awkward & almost embarrassing to watch, but FUCK, when Phoenix grabs my panties, in his full fist & sniffs them telling me how good they smell, I can feel my cunt get wetter & I ride him harder & faster. Fuck that turns me on…. He is staring me down while he holds them to his nose, I pick up speed, unable to look away, our eyes are locked, but my panties are there is his hand, at his nose… When he can feel that I am about to cum, which doesn’t take long, he takes the panties away from his face & tells me to cum for him… O. M. F. G!

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Hahndorf

14 May 2025 – He says in the morning, that he will just come to my house when I ask what the plan is for today, I even offer up cancelling, as much as that will piss me off, I will at least go into work so I don’t waste my leave if he has to bail. I also say that if he’s worried, we don’t have to go all the way to Hahndorf which is over an hour away. If she goes home & drives past his work & his car isn’t at his work, he will have to get back to the car, drop me off before he can go home, what excuse will he use for what took so long when his work is five minutes away & his click & collect is ten minutes away? He says “We are going to go. I’m going to take you out for a date day like you deserve.” Fuck… I mean I do deserve a date & I love that he is recognising that…

I get up & get dressed so I am ready to go when he gets here, I have put on a little bit of makeup, I’d washed my hair, so I don’t look like a bridge troll like I did when we went to Victor Harbor. I am dressed in a little black DKNY t-shirt dress, that has the DKNY in sequins on the front & wear some cute white sneakers & a denim jacket. It’s cooler today but I did get warm when we walked at Victor Harbor in jeans, so I am going to wing it in a dress… I also have a little cheeky, hot idea for today, which requires me to wear a dress!

He was surprised that I was up & ready to go when he gets here around 8:30am, the video of him walking to my door, he looks so grumpy till I open the door fully dressed & ready, the smile on his face is so big & bright – it sets the mood for today, I love his face! He is wearing the jeans that I love him in, I think maybe his only pair but I love them – see he wore them because he knows I like them, he says he didn’t but we all know he subconsciously wore them because he wants to please me & he knows it makes him feel sexy when I tell him how much I love it. We kiss hello & he runs his hands all over my body in my little thin dress, I can’t exactly recall, but I am sure that he slip a cheeky finger in while we are saying hello. While I am sorting the dogs, he has gone through my fridge & cupboard, even helping himself to a taste of the marshmallow fluff in there, which I think is so cute & so familiar! But we are out the door by 9:00am, not having much time to waste as he only has till about 1:00pm because that’s what time his fake shift ends– why he didn’t write till 3:00pm, I won’t understand, but anyway…

We talk & hold hands the whole trip to Hahndorf, this has become my favourite thing to do with Phoenix, driving in his car with him… It’s just us, no distractions as he’s driving, not looking at Facebook or playing a game, no other people, it’s just us. When he finds a car park, ironically in a church carpark for what I am about to do, I can’t help but think I am going to hell anyway so what difference does it make. I go to make my sexy move for the day, but he has jumped out the car so quickly, I lean over as he’s shutting his door & ask if he has a pocket. He says yes & comes over to my door to ask what I am on about, we open it together, him opening it as I push it out & he doesn’t really understand what I am doing, but I am pulling my panties down my legs as I sit in the car, & I take them off. I hold them up to him on a finger & his look is like what the fuck is this? I say something like ‘can you take these?’ & he says why, then realises that they’re my panties, he shoves them in his pocket as I get out of the car & give him a kiss telling him that I am going panty less today. He lets out a little groan, grabs my ass as I shut the car door.

To be honest, it probably isn’t a good idea. It’s a cooler day, I am wearing a shorter dress & we are in the hills, which is a few degrees cooler than at home. I am now going to be bare assed walking around outside with a little wind blowing up my dress. But the cold is forgotten when we start walking & he grabs me from behind as soon as we’ve taken only two steps & I feel his hard cock against my back & he says ‘fuck you’re a sexy bitch sometimes’ & I have achieved my goal! I had not mentioned that I was going to do this, I wondered if I would be able to go through with it at all to be honest. But I am so glad I did; he loves it & it’s not some lame forced act. He mentions it multiple times throughout the day, I think mainly when he puts his hand in his pocket & feels them there. He later tells me that he was rock hard for at least the first 10 minutes of our walk.

We walk around Hahndorf, holding hands, talking & walking into random shops. We go into a Christmas type shop that has shot glasses & after we leave that store, I say that I should have bought one for my shot glass collection. We walk for about an hour, we have stopped & kissed at the end of the main street, he tries to finger me & I don’t know why I stop it but there are so many cars driving past! We find a toilet – again not so we can have this public toilet sex, but I literally need to go. While in the bathroom, I send him a snap of my bare cunt with a little lift of my dress. I assume since we’re together, he’ll have it loaded on his phone & the notifications on, but he hasn’t seen it when I come out that I ask him to look at his snapchat. He says that I’m so sexy when he see it & I grab his hand & pull him in close to me to feel his hard cock.

We keep walking till we find the place I picked to go for lunch, being we are in German town, we buy a share sausage platter with a pretzel, just what I wanted & I have a wine & he has a beer. He pays for the whole thing which is probably over $100 but he doesn’t want money for it. We sit outside in the sun, on the same side of the table. I sit close to him, rubbing his back, he runs his hands up my legs to my exposed cunt, which makes him hard. After we share lunch, we walk down the other side of the road, I see some Birkenstocks that I really like, but I am self-conscious to buy anything around him. I don’t know why, he doesn’t care, in the lolly shop he buys himself some lolly to try & another shop I buy him an ice cream that he hasn’t tried before. Then before we are ready to leave I decide I do want a memento from today & I want the shot glass to add to my collection. So we walk back to the Christmas shop, I think we have passed the shop when we seem to be walking forever that I say let’s not worry about it, but he is on a mission! He says no & we keep walking to find the shop to buy the shot glass.

Because it’s getting later & I forgot about the Geocaches, we don’t get to do any today on the way home. He hasn’t played with his phone much, but I know that if she’s messaged him, he’ll have to write back so it’s not suspicious. As we get closer to home, I don’t want this day to end, I know that he won’t stay long at my house & he’ll stay even shorter if we don’t have sex… The only way I know how to get him to stay, is to make it about sex. We have gone all day so we should be proud of that. So I tell him that I am so drippy wet, I open my legs & stick my fingers inside me & show him when he is stopped at the lights. I keep rubbing my cunt & putting my fingers in his mouth for a taste of my wetness & I also taste myself too. I reach over to rub him through his pants, but can’t seem to get a good enough feel, so I slip my hand in his jeans & for the first time ever, I have his almost soft dick in my hand, I mean, it’s not entirely soft because he’s been tasting me as I finger myself, however it’s the softest I’ve ever felt it, but it’s not soft for long as I start to stroke it & rub my clit at the same time.

He pulls into my driveway & it intensifies, he’s reached over in the last minute of our drive & rubs my clit himself, as I rub his dick harder. I look around & then lean over to suck his dick. He leans back to let me get the right angle to get it in my mouth. We only do this for about a minute before I say that he needs to come inside & fuck me. I have spent the entire day with no panties on, walking around in public, in a short dress that I have been so turned on, I want sexless dates but I also don’t want this day to end & I don’t know when we will be able to see each other again, we have sex, even though we didn’t get back to my house till 1:30pm, he is only there until after 2:00pm. Saying he has to go to get his groceries & make sure he is home before the kids who come home just before 4:00pm.

I send a message because I am so thankful for today “Hey Baby, thanks for a great day out! I loved it & I love you. I hope you enjoyed carrying my panties around in your back pocket all day! 😋 I’m so sad I forgot to take a pic of us… I put make up on & eveything!” It even catches him off guard because he says, “You never message first 😜” I mean I do with him, rarely & I have in the mornings a little… He says I should have asked for a picture but I was having such a good day, I just didn’t think about it, until after the fact. Just before 5:00pm, he says that he needs to go offline “Anyway I’m heading off-line. I’m not sure I’ll be back so don’t stay up for me… I didn’t do enough caffeine today , or the day out with you has made me super tired.” So we say goodnight & we don’t talk again tonight, which makes me sad of course because I want to talk to him, but we have had a good day together & some epic sex. I am happy…

When I go into my room later that night, I notice something on my chair-robe (aka occasional chair in the corner that is always full of clothes). What is that? I notice that its his jumper that I don’t really remember seeing him wear, on my chair… In one of our phone conversations in the last few weeks, I have told him how much I want one of his jumpers, something that smells like him, that I can cuddle up too. He thinks it’s weird but I have always wanted a jumper of a boyfriend. Has he left it on purpose or was it an accident?! Well too bad, I put it on & pick up my laptop to write, feeling inspired, I write over 5000 words before I go to sleep, which isn’t heaps but more than I have written in a while in one sitting. It feels good to write that it’s around this time, I really start using my blog as a journal & write – which is probably why the posts I’m posting now are more detailed that I’ve written before, probably why after only three months, we already have 40 Phoenix posts!

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Make up lunch

12 May 2025 – He asks what I mean by not talking after I finish work, he thinks that I mean I don’t want to talk ever again, “I mean, that daily, we should just chat when I’m at work & not bother about coming online at night… Just wait till the morning… No sneaky messages, no late night messages… I don’t mean I never want to chat to you again! I just think maybe work hours only… I don’t know.” I don’t really want this, but how can we keep going like this… Which means, I can’t keep going like this, he doesn’t care! & it makes me wonder why he started this v2.0, why didn’t he just leave it like it was… I totally understand that he thinks he is trying hard & making an effort, I am not denying that at all. But from my point of view he has never once refuted what I said about him actively having to get up & got to bed to ‘fall asleep’ but before that, deleting the app. It doesn’t stay on his phone, he’s never said that he doesn’t delete it some nights. I save all our chats so he’s told me he makes sure it’s deleted, even if it is in his secure folder.

He says he’s fucked off because he could have talked to me yesterday at work – well he didn’t try to keep the conversation going because I was not giving him much, but of course I get the excuse vomit “Some days I’m also busy, unfortunately I’ve usually got a bunch of adulting to do on top of everything else that includes chores and gardening and I also don’t take the risk always , literally a sneaky toilet message or something. And even if I don’t message you all the time, I feel like I message you more than anyone else ever has …..  And I genuinely do try and make and effort to message you when I can… just sometimes I can’t.” He’s always had the adulting stuff to do, even when he was working full time with a longer commute so that’s not new & just because he’s messaged me more than anyone else, doesn’t make it ok that he just logs off mid conversation, none of them were my boyfriend so I don’t give a fuck what they did.

He arrives at my work for lunch. I am hating that just seeing him, I melt & I am not as angry. We do argue about it at lunch but I easily back down with his gaslighting & making me feel like I am just being a typical girl. I hate that when I see him, my whole demeanour changes & I back down so easily. I am not normally like that in life so I don’t know how he affects me this way. I mean I don’t want to be angry & I don’t want to pissed off at him for falling asleep, but I don’t know what else to do. I know what situation I am in, that I am an overthinker & catastrophise everything, he knows this about me too so the fact we basically still only have an online relationship, that he decided he was going to change the dynamic & put in effort – but obviously only to a point…

We walk out to his car & we kiss goodbye, he pushes his hard dick against me & I can’t help but become putty in his hands, trying to remember that even though he came to meet me for lunch – only because I bitched about him doing it with his wife & because I am upset – not because he wants to see me, that I need to keep my distance so when he stops putting in effort & pulls away… He slips a finger inside me before I go back to work & I walk off upset for a different reason now, because I am horny & unsatisfied… He says via text that he doesn’t want to stop talking when I finish work & I don’t want that either, so I suggest that he tell me when he is in bed when he’s messaging… “Well would be nice not to think about you getting up & going to bed & putting your phone down & falling asleep without a goodnight.”  He agrees, but am I sceptical that anything is going to change? Absolutely.

We are planning a day to Handorf on Wednesday, so I start looking at menus & where geocaches are, he doesn’t plan of course so he doesn’t really care, he’s said that I can pick the restaurant & we’ll just walk around & have a look at the shops. We also talk about what I will wear, mainly because I know he likes me in a dress but it’s going to be cooler – there’s a scene on Gilmore Girls, where Loreli is telling Luke that he doesn’t influence her shopping but then she rambles (as she does) & has the realisation that he has picked out all her favourite clothes. I couldn’t find a YouTube clip, but I found a excerpt on reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/GilmoreGirls/comments/hsnwfm/one_of_my_favorite_lukelorelai_conversations/

It’s so true… Phoenix will make me feel so good in some outfit that he’s suggested that he thinks I look good in – maybe without him even realising that he’s picked out my outfit for the day, maybe without me realising that I’ve let him influence what I wear. But I always feel sexier when he has had some say in what I wear & I will say this, without a doubt, if he doesn’t tell me with his voice how much he likes my outfit (Which he does do often!), his hands don’t lie, they touch me all over. His cock doesn’t lie as it stands proudly, hard against my pubic mound. His eyes don’t lie when he looks at me, for the first time that day or the last time that day. I have never felt more sexy without words… I can’t imagine anyone else ever making me feel this way.

Of course, even though he does say good night tonight, we are mid conversation when he sends, “Shit i gotta go. Night xox.” He knows what time she finishes work on a Monday night, so why doesn’t he wrap up the conversation better & not make me feel like shit… Like does she walk in the door & ask for his fucking phone as soon as she gets home?! Surely he doesn’t have to log off so rapidly?! I can’t let this bother me. I just need to somehow get over it… Or do I?

---

13 May 2025 – The next morning I say something about not bothering to make me feel special & he says that he makes me feel special when I cum, I say “My vibe makes me feel special… If that’s the benchmark.” But he retorts, “Does your vibe kiss you ? Rub your tummy? Hold you ? Whisper dirty things into your ear ? Grab your tiny waist ? Grab your tits? Suck your clit? Kiss your neck? Slam you into a wall and make out with you ? Slip a finger into you in the middle of a car park ?” When you put it that way… Fuck I’m hard! He then sends me a picture of him for our snapchat streak & fuck it is literally the hottest pic I have ever seen of him. It’s just his face in his black work hoodie, there is dim lighting but it’s sexy as fuck. I grab a vibe out & I think about all those things that he has just said & how he looks & I cum so fucking hard. I video it, saying his name as I cum & send it to him. His boss hadn’t rocked up to work so I say he should have called me, so he could hear it live.

We talk about using our names during sex, I am more comfortable saying his name, during sex than I ever has been. I always thought that he didn’t say my name because her name starts with the same letter & it would be easily mixed up… I mean I am not gonna lie, if he called me her name I would be fucking pissed & I don’t know what I would do – I would struggle to cum after that, but I don’t know what would happen. I would know it wasn’t on purpose, but I would be upset abut it for sure…

Then he says “Fuck I might need to fake I’m at work tommorw and get you to pick me up.” Oh fuck, he’s going to bail! I have taken the day off work for our trip to Hahndorf & now he’s going to bail because he fucking forgot something. He says that his wife is telling him she feels sick so he’s just going to leave his car as a precaution… I get she’s on wegovy but is she ever not sick?! I say that if he has to cancel it’s all good & I will call my boss & go to work instead, I don’t want to waste a annual leave day sitting at home feeling sorry for myself while he is offline, unable to chat to me when she is at home, of course…

I ask him if he wants to call me on his break today – this has become our daily phone call, a short 30 minutes but I go for a walk around the block, just a short 2km walk & chat about all sorts of shit with him. “Yeah , I enjoy ringing my girlfriend on my break 🙂” Awww fuck! I love our phone calls too… I am surprised when he tells me that he likes our calls. I have always been obsessed with being an obligation, so I love when he tells me that he loves the calls & that he actually wants to call me just for a chat on our breaks. I go for my walk, then eat at my desk, which is pretty much what the whole team does – one chick goes shopping every single lunch, I go for a walk & talk to my sexy boyfriend who’s voice calms me instantly when I hear it.

By the time he logs off for the night, he is saying that he will drop the kids off & he’ll drive himself to my house in the morning. I tell him that he can let me know tomorrow if he needs me to pick him up, I will be awake fairly early anyway, for months since this A3V2.0 started, I’ve been waking so fucking early, before my alarm to chat to him as much as I can, because he’s told me that’s what he wants too, but I seem to be the only one showing it… He says that I better be awake when he gets here, I remind him that he has keys & he says that he forgot, I say “Bahaha…. You use them like you own the joint so don’t know how you forgot… 🤣” I am joking of course, but I do like that he has been confident to use them without telling me, it tells me that he trusts me when I say he is my boyfriend & I am not fucking anyone else. I say that I have sort of been expecting him to come over one day when I am not home just to fuck up my organised fridge, drop me off some of the protein custard I love & I’ll come home & be like what the fuck… When I think about him sneaking in though when I am not here, I am reminded of the ninja pack up when he came to my house, used my keys, got his stuff & left, without ever seeing me again… Hmmmmm….

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Fell Asleep

11 May 2025 – He won’t get it. He never gets it. He never sees that I am sitting around all day waiting for him to message me. Well not sitting around but I am always thinking about when he will message me. We hung up from each other over five hours ago & not a single sneaky message. Nothing. I go about my day but look at my phone the entire day waiting for something… Maybe that’s my fault for expecting & wanting what he has implemented with me at the beginning of A3v2.0. I am now used to pumpkin o’clock every fucking night without fail is 10:30pm & I can usually tell as his messages get shorter & shorter, then get further & further apart so I usually call him on it & say goodnight before he says it to me, because we are usually mid conversation & he just says ‘time for bed, night #IBD4U. xxx’ & then he logs off, 9 times out of 10 not even reading my good night message to him. So I try to get in first so I don’t feel like a fucking fool all the fucking time.

He has actively gone to bed, deleted the app & not bothered to tell me. He’s done this before, he’s actually done this more times than I can count on both hands & feet, but this time, he’s my boyfriend. & my boyfriend has just shown me over & over that he does not give a flying fuck about me in the slightest! Not even a little bit. I do not matter & he makes that fucking blatantly obvious time & time again.

Of course, in the morning, I don’t get an apology. I have woken up every hour during the night to see if he messaged me, thinking perhaps he fell asleep on the couch for his ‘nap’, but nothing. Even as it approaches 8:00am, I still don’t have a response to my goodnight message. I think catastrophic thoughts of him or the kids being hurt & them being at hospital, or that she caught him & he’s going to rock up at my door. If he does that, with all his stuff, it can stay in his fucking car. I do not want it in my house, knowing that they’ll just get back together anyway & rub their open relationship in my face again… But as you can imagine, none of that happens… He just fucking fell asleep, sleep deleting the app & sleep walking to bed, but clearly didn’t think about me AT ALL…

Great. Just great. I get a ‘I fell asleep message’ & some bullshit about trying to give me as much time as he can. That he ate three burgers & chips from KFC so he went into a food coma… Sorry? We were messaging at 10:00pm! Literally three hours after he would have eaten & been in a food coma… I am so done with putting my life on hold & waiting around like the worlds biggest fool in every step of this relationship. I hate feeling foolish & I feel like a fool almost every fucking day with him! Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I don’t give him much all day & of course he logs off when she is awake & I don’t get anything back from him until he is at work after midday. I am supposed to go to his work for lunch, I have spent all Saturday afternoon making a healthy meatball zucchini zoodle thing & I just don’t want to see him. I mean I do, but I don’t want to be the one going out of my way when he started this lunch date crap… Why am I the only one doing it?! Not only does he have no idea how to react to me when I am upset, I just don’t to hear him say ‘are we done with this’ & then kiss me & I forget why I am pissed off. I have half expected that he would rock up at my house before work, just to smooth things over, but I forget that he only ever rushes to her work to smooth things over – usually at my expense because he cut time with me short to do it & then told me all about it… I’m such an idiot for thinking that he would ever give a fuck about me or how I feel.

He noticed that our 62-day streak on snap has ended again – it ended the other day & he restored it for free, I can restore it this time but I am so upset, my heart hurts with how little he cares for my feelings. He thinks I am shitty – but I am just fucking devastated. I thought when I had a boyfriend, he would treat me with respect & give a shit about me… I never realised that I would be even further down the care factor list than being able to say a simple goodnight. I don’t want out streak to end either but fuck I do not want to restore it either. I am too hurt & his reaction to me being upset, is for him to get shitty at me.

He messages to tell me he will be on his break soon, but by the time I write back he tells me that he’s been sent already. I tell him that I wasn’t going to come anyway so he asks if I want to a call. I don’t want him to ask, I just want him to just call if he wants to call… I am not an obligation. So I say that I am busy doing stuff, which is true, I am getting ready for Mother’s Day dinner at my house & I don’t want to be distracted just because he is fucking free. But I want him to call, just fucking call – don’t ask, just act for a fucking change! He reads my message & says he’ll leave me be, so I say that we’ll chat tomorrow. My family will be over soon, he’ll go home from work & he’ll completely not give a fuck if he messages me or not, then will go to bed without a second thought to me, so why will I bother to chat to him tonight. It’s certainly not going to disturb his sleep or make him feel shit… He’ll sleep soundly in the arms of another woman, while I overthink about what they are doing. Nope, not happening. He can get fucked.

Every time they have a weekend off together; I am sent into a spiral more than I care to admit. He gives me nothing to reassure me just a little bit, which is when I need it the most. He has read my message & not responded, not tried to make things better, he just gets shitty & stubborn then I can tell that I am going to have to be the one who fixes it – if I want it fixed.

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12 May 2025 – I cannot sleep, we haven’t text since 3:00pm the day before, Phoenix has to be more pissed that me because I said I was doing stuff, at almost 1:00am, I send a rant because I can’t hold it in & I am hoping it might help me sleep, “Do you even understand why I am upset & feel like such a fucking fool?  I don’t care if you say goodnight, but I have told you so many times that I care when you don’t tell me you are going offline. You actively have to get up off the couch/computer chair, walk to bed, put your phone down & get in bed, to just ‘fall asleep’. So don’t bullshit me that you just fell asleep, you actively have to go to bed & not bother to let me know you’re going to bed. I spent Saturday afternoon making a meatball zucchini zoodle thing (having to make the zoodles from scratch) for your lunch on Sunday, thinking about you all day – but I don’t even get one sneaky message from you…  Then Saturday night you show me – not for the first time – that I mean so little to you that you can’t even muster up a I’m going to bed’ message & leave me hanging, waiting while my heart broke a little with each minute realising you’ve just logged off, sleeping soundly. On Sunday, because I was so hurt & upset, I could barely message, but I get ‘I fell asleep, I do try to give you time’ & then you choose to get pissed at me – not surprisingly because that’s always your reaction when I am upset & so I get hardly anything from you, proving how little I mean to you. I’m not an idiot, I know the situation I am in, I don’t expect you to talk to me 24/7 but how many times can I tell you how foolish I feel waiting around for you to come back online or reply to me when you just go about your day like I don’t matter to you at all… I can assure you, if this was your wife you would’ve rushed to her work & seen her to smooth things over. But I get stubborn Phoenix who doesn’t give a fuck about me, refuses to message or show that I am not actually a fool & that he does care, but instead treating me as what I am, a mistress & nothing more. It’s heartbreaking to know my boyfriend has such little regard for me when I am upset or hurt, but is more worried about who is the most stubborn & pissed.”

He replies at 5:30am, “So yeah good morning. I didn’t plan on going off-line that night..  I legitimately planned on going to bed and chatting to you. I did try and send you messages on Saturday. I rarely see my wife at work or try and smooth things over with her and I’m just as stubborn with her 90% of the time you have painted a wrong picture about me. I did try and message you yesterday… you were giving me nothing… there is only so long I can go … To show I care… If you push me away I’ll back off….. If you start giving me nothing…. I’ll back off … I do care and even if I don’t message you, I do think about you. I thought about you, and only you my entire shift at work 🤷‍♂️ You are never disregarded or forgotten. And I miss you all the time too. I try and stay up for you every fucking night to chat to you. 9 times out of time 10 I’m fighting sleep desperately trying to sneak some time in you with the phone hitting my face all the time… I often fall asleep but I’m so desperate to talk to you I nap and force myself to wake up after sleeping for half a hour waiting to talk to you. Sometimes I don’t don’t wake up… Saturday was one of those nights. You have no idea how easy it is for me to fall asleep after 9, having a phone in my hand makes it worse too… I’m not the same person when it comes to sleep 7 years ago. I’m a 40 year old man that gets up early for work and falls asleep the second I watch tv, play a video game or chat, read or do anything on my phone.. after 9pm…. I try so hard to fight sleep every fucking night you have no idea, it’s a battle for me”

Oh don’t do me any favours Phoenix! “You didn’t try to message me Saturday afternoon, I went from the call at 11am to 8:30pm before you messaged again… You have no idea how much of an idiot I feel when I am cooking – something I hardly do for myself – something low cal, but filling for you, to meet you for you shift only to feel so insignificant to you… I was so hurt & felt so foolish just waiting like a dick, also tired & falling asleep but didn’t want to put my phone down & miss a message… So I sit there & wait & wait. Even drifting off myself for a few minutes, fighting it… Maybe once I finish work, we should say goodbye. Not chat again, because I can’t keep feeling like a wanker everytime you don’t sneakily message me or when you just go offline with no notice. (which you do more than you ever realise even though I have asked you time & time again not to do it….!)” I have suggested this before, I finish at 4:00pm & he reminds me all the time how much of a struggle it is for him to stay awake, so I think we just say goodbye so he doesn’t have to stay up & I don’t have to feel like a wanker. Don’t forget he was the one who started this & set this precedence, not me. I never asked for this, but now I have it, I don’t want to feel like a fucking twat every time I am left waiting around. He says he doesn’t want that & asks if I am free for lunch.

He says we can establish some rules so I can stop feeling like a wanker… We shouldn’t need rules & what are they going to do anyway? He can’t honour my simple requests to communicate better, so what are rules going to do, “I font want you coming to lunch because I said you do it with your wife… We’ve talked about this 1000 times, I’ve said you don’t have to say goodbye, all I ask is for you to let me know your going offline & you still can’t do it so how are rules going to help??” His reply is valid, but it doesn’t help, “Because I try and chat to you along as I can ! I have been making an effort to say when I’m off-line by saying goodbye. I will make more of an effort now. I just want to chat to you along as I can. And assumed I was going to chat to you in bed that night. It was not intentional nor was I trying to treat you like nothing I forget you. I genuinely feel asleep. I should of said bye to you before I fell asleep. And will In the future if it’s going to fuck you up this bad.” I’ve heard similar before & he still does it… Just as he doesn’t know how to say he’s going offline, I don’t know how to not get pissed off when he doesn’t do the one fucking thing I have asked for in eight years…

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Communication

06 May 2025 – We continue this thing of calling for my lunch break. I love this new thing. But I also don’t really think about it at the time, but upon reflecting, I realise that Phoenix thinks that because we’ve chatted on the phone, that we won’t need to text as much. But I want the call & the same amount of texts. I like talking to him on the phone because it definitely makes me miss him less, but I still want the same amount of text messages that we’ve been sending previously… I want it all. I want the energy that he was giving me before, I know that relationships evolve but I don’t want to evolve to a 30-minute phone call & half a dozen messages with a sex date once a month. I know that if I tell Phoenix this, that he would disagree that this is what we’re evolving too.

This job really is the pits. There are three other people in my team who do the same job as me just for different regions – but we all do the same work, then an admin person & our boss. No one is ever there. I am there on my own so often. Our boss just works from home every day but we’re only allowed one day a fortnight, one chick works at other sites two days a week & fuck knows where everyone else is. I mean I shouldn’t complain because then I just add a fake meeting in my dairy to see Phoenix for lunch & don’t have to explain it to anyone. He is planning on seeing me tomorrow for lunch but I am over doing everyone’s work (because they won’t train anyone to do our role when we’re on leave) that I say I am just going to call in sick. He says he doesn’t want to make me call in sick, he hates calling in sick & letting the team down, which is ironically the same reason I hate it, but I have been in this job eight months & not had one sick day except for surgery & every single one of them have called in sick at least four or five times since I started, so I don’t even care at this point.

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07 May 2025 – In the morning, he calls me for 32 minutes before work. Fuck I have no idea what we talk about because I am planning on leaving work around 10:30am to see him for lunch, so how do we have so much to say, because we actually do also text a bit today.

I leave work & he meets me at my house, I am at the kitchen sink when we walks in & one of the things that I love is when he grabs my face when he kisses me hello… Fuck it is so manly & sexy when he does that… I don’t remember him doing it as much as I remember it now… Maybe he always did it but I am noticing it a lot lately. Maybe I said something to him or he read it in my blog, but fuck I love it.

He looks hot as fuck today in jeans & oddly a PlayStation hoodie… Why the fuck would a PlayStation hoodie be hot on a 40 year old man?! But fuck, I dunno if it’s because it’s black but maybe because it’s paired with jeans & he looks fucking good in jeans. It’s my favourite outfit for him. I want him so badly as we kiss & hug in the kitchen but we’ve decided to go out for lunch. I really don’t want this to be a sex date so I make us leave to go to café primo.

We sit down in café primo after ordering & I want to be tactile with him, so I make sure that I lean over & touch his arm or hold his hand when I can. I don’t want to ever be regretful of not sowing my love for him, for however long I have him this time, I want there to be no doubt in his mind about how special he is to me. Even if it does turn out that I am a fool again because he was doing this same thing with Cowboys Mistress… Café primo is usually quick & then we can go home & have sex because sitting opposite him this long, I am getting hornier & hornier, but after almost an hour, I am like, I think they forgot us. I can’t remember if we go up to ask where our lunch is, something that I think would be pre made, but Phoenix is adamant they have made even the bread from scratch, I’m like surely not – it’s café primo for one & second, no restaurant is making everything from scratch every order. We’d both ordered a UFO – which is basically a stuffed pita pocket thing, so after an hour & a half they come out, we eat & are out the door to get home to fuck, having just spent basically the whole time talking about fucking.

When we get home we have sex, neither of us can really help ourselves, when we have more time it’s hard to resist at least one or two orgasms with him. I don’t really remember much about our sex, I know it was amazing, but there was nothing that we haven’t done before, just some usual sex before we shower together. When in the shower I decide to tickle his back & I swear when I do it, he completely vagues out, staring out the window & just enjoys my hands running all over him. After he leaves, probably stayed longer than he was planning since we were just supposed to have a lunch break date at my work, he calls me & we talk for 1 hour & 37 minutes! What the fuck about!! Hahaha.

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08 May 2025 – It’s interesting how we can go from a day where we spoke on the phone for over two hours & were together for almost two & a half hours – so I feel connected, loved, valued & significant with the person I don’t get to see daily who should make me feel that way one day to feeling the complete opposite to all those things. Not through any fault of Phoenix’s, but one thing I can never get through to him, is that I don’t know what his plans are unless he tells me. So when he doesn’t tell me what is happening for the day – not in a tracking what he’s doing way but when he is going to be online & chatting type of way, that makes me spiral & wonder what the fuck has happened or if he’s dead – yes my mind goes there a lot! Today he is training someone, so he can’t message much, which is fine but I wish he could just fucking tell me that.

During our phone call today we talk about the tummy tuck I had a few years ago & how it makes my orgasms different to before & that my clit is higher as I had to adjust the way I rub my clit, he asks how & doesn’t believe me. I have googled it before & even if I didn’t, I know that I am more aware of my clit as it’s higher, having being pulled up basically when they pulled down the tummy to rejoin it. He googles it, “It’s real, the abdominoplasty will make your sex life better! And it’s not just that you look and feel more desirable with a flatter, tighter belly. An unintended benefit of a tummy tuck is that the angle of the vulva is changing by raising the skin of the pubic mound. So not only would you look better, but also you will feel better, too.” Hahaha, I fucking told you Phoenix! “7. Enhance sexual intercourse Women coping with excess skin and fat following weight gain or pregnancy may find their vulva sinks lower down the body, obscuring the clitoris. A tummy tuck lifts tissues above this area and thus improves access to the clitoris, increasing friction and enhancing pleasure during sexual activities. Many of my female patients are pleasantly surprised by this added benefit of tummy tuck surgery. haha you had to adjust how to get yourself off after you had it done?” Yes I did…

Tonight our snapstreak of 61 days expires (which isn’t correct, it’s been longer that 61 days), he asks why, I say because he didn’t send a snap, we both have to send one each for it to keep going. Back around Anzac day I used my free retore when we were being stubborn, that tonight he restores it – which I know he has to pay for & sends me a snap. I don’t tell him but him restoring it makes me smile like a wanker… He likes things like that too, I wasn’t sure if he just did it because it started or if he likes having a snapstreak, but I think he likes the snapstreak.

We talk about threesomes, a touchy subject, but I am teasing him with a description of what I would do with another woman so he could watch. I haven’t ever wanted to go down on a chick but I tell him that if he wanted to watch me do that, that I would do it. I fucking ask before I realised what I have asked, “If things were different & it was a possibility, would your top two be me & your wife?” He says no that he would want someone dirty like me, but he says more often than I care to hear, that he loves her so I’m sure having the two women you love would be your top two options? Apparently not. Just don’t go there #IBD4U!

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09 May 2025 – Today is Friday, he has it off – again… Has he asked for Fridays off? Such a busy day in my eyes for a retail worker to get off on a regular basis when they don’t have a set roster… So what that means is that there is not going to be a phone call today, but I am going to overthink the fact that he has obviously asked for Fridays off so they can be together with no kids all day… Having sex… Yipee, what a great thought! So we obviously barely talk today & when he does come back online, I am tired & don’t want to talk or think about him fucking his wife.

He sends me two memes, I love the boyfriend part of him sending me memes that remind him of me. Fuck it’s cute… I’ve never had a dude I’m dating send me memes & with Boyfriend we barely had texting back then so we were not sending memes that’s for sure. So I love when he sends me ones that make him think of me.  

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10 May 2025 – He calls me on his break today, we talk for the whole break, we hang up & we chat about my power issues at my house with the dishwasher – I try not to be too boring remembering what happened last time I talked about my dishwasher, he lost interest in the conversation & stopped talking to me… Then he wonders why I make everything about sex – because then he chats to me!!

After our call which is after 11:00am, I have lash clients so I don’t think much of the fact he hasn’t said he’s going offline for the day until after I’m finished & I realise that he just can’t fucking communicate about his availability. As if he can’t say I’m offline this often!!! FFS. He comes back online at 8:30pm, but goes silent around 10:10pm, that I crack the shits without a good night, mid fucking conversation – I am waiting & waiting, my eyes getting droopy & I want sleep too… I know he would say to just log off & sleep, but I know what that feels like & I’ve asked him repeatedly to communicate better, which he said he would. The longer I wait for his reply, the more pissed I get – he will never have this feeling, “Assuming you’ve gone to sleep, so rather than waiting all day like a twat & then all night for a snippet of time, I’m going to sleep as well…”

The part of this I can’t ever wrap my head around & I am pretty sure I told him this in affair number one. When he says ‘I fell asleep’, he isn’t just laying in bed, because remember he can’t even message me when she is home, so he is at his computer or in the lounge room when messaging me, right?! So he has to actively get up & walk to his room, probably going to the toilet on the way, after he’s deleted snapchat from his phone. All of this has to happen before he can just sporadically fall asleep. With that vision in mind, there is fucking time to say good night so I am not waiting around… In fact even if he says that he is in bed with her, before he clicks delete to the app, it’s not difficult to say goodnight or chat later... He doesn’t keep the app on his phone, so when he deletes it, say that you’re fucking going offline… Then hit delete!

#IBD4U

May 2025 – Phone calls

01 May 2025 – Since our fight on Anzac day we’ve been okay, I don’t think there has been any tension or fights, but that is mainly because he’s online all day, sending messages, but the messages are sent with big breaks in between, that when I copy our chat for the last few days, it takes up no more than a few A4 pages on Word. I guess he did set the scene, so I won’t be surprised when he does have a whole day that he doesn’t talk to me. I need to be prepared for that, if we go any further into this, I don’t think that I will be okay when he does pull away. Could I survive it for a third time?!

He has a lunch with three friends from his old work today, so he isn’t chatting much. They go to his favourite niche fast food place for a food challenge, you have a certain amount of time to eat all these different burgers, chips & drinks then they refund your money & give you $100 if you do it. He sends me a picture of the table & even for four of them it looks like a fuck ton of food, so when he says they failed, I am not surprised. He says he feels sick because, “Haha ate 2 burgers, some chips, 4 tacos and one coke, milkshake and half my slushie.” FUCK! That’s like a weeks worth of food for me!!

For the first time since I got this HR job in September 2024, I enjoyed work today, I fucked up royally, (which is a funny way to start!) but emailing the wrong employee with the same name for an updated first aid certificate or we need to remove them from work. But because I sent the email to the wrong employee, the wrong employee sent me a certificate, so I had to confess to my boss that I sent it to the wrong employee, but as I was looking at it to update it anyway for the wrong employee, I realised that it was a falsified certificate. The wrong employee didn’t even need to send theirs, so instead of looking at their current certificate & saying it’s still valid or booking into a course, they changed the date on the PDF & sent it through – probably in a panic. However, on further investigation we realised that she had falsified numerous certificates so I didn’t feel as bad as I first did. So my fuck up uncovered something interesting for me to investigate, which I actually enjoyed. I actually feel smart when I am telling Phoenix about it & am proud of myself for picking something up like that, others have missed it for years. I also do a bit of audit & find another one also. So interesting that the only person I want to talk to about this, is Phoenix. He listens but I sense the disinterest, he says that’s its his ADHD.

I also ask his advice about a dishwasher, boring I know but then I talk about my proposed kitchen renos but I have to replace the dishwasher now, I don’t know if I should buy a good one or a cheap one & replace again when I finally get to reno. We talk about it back & forth for a while, but he seems disengaged & says that he is writing & researching for his blog. He is taking a while to reply to me – I say that if he’s busy I’ll say goodnight being it’s almost 🎃 o’clock anyway but he says, “You are also important to me.” then he tells me that he thrives on doing multiple things at once because of his ADHD (self-diagnosed!). The thing is, if he was able to do multiple things at once, I wouldn’t notice how long it takes to reply. I don’t expect instant messages, but when I’m waiting several minutes when it is late at night, it’s just easier to say goodnight. He says he doesn’t want to say goodnight but then doesn’t really spend time making me feel like he wants a conversation, then he says he’s sleepy. Fucking wanker. Why didn’t you just let me go fucking 15 minutes ago!!!

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02 May 2025 – I wake up later than usual & there is nothing from Phoenix, I send “Morning for when you you get up, though I know you’re up cos you get the kids up in 2 mins & I know you have been for hours even if you’re not working today… So I’m not sure why you’re being a stubborn bastard. But morning anyway.” He says that he’s been able to sleep in at almost 8:00am, because his wife has the day off being it’s Friday, she has a doctor’s appointment & her lashes, so she’s taking the kids to school. Bullshit, he’s told me that he never sleeps in anymore, always up early! But whatever you need to tell yourself, Fuck Fish.

Considering she would be gone for at least 2-3 hours with those two appointments, we barely speak all day, he chats till I assume she gets home around 11:00am & then we send a few afternoon messages about him leaving his kids home tomorrow to go get a hair cut, when he’s home alone today wouldn’t his wife ask why he didn’t do it today? He says she won’t notice… Um, ok then. As if she won’t notice his hair cut, but okay… He says that it feels like I am trying not to spend time with him, which I am obviously not but I don’t want him to come over & not spend time with his kids. Maybe this is a taste of his own medicine, this is how I feel every conversation we have now, like he doesn’t want to chat to me.

He comes back online later than night but the conversation is weirdly strained & so I say “Night ABC, hope you have had a good day. xxx” but I get back ”Umm okay goodnight” Yeah righto. Guess who fucked their wife today – being he’s categorically told me they don’t have sex at night or in the mornings… & so he’s feeling guilty about talking me so I get the version of Phoenix that makes me wonder what the fuck am I doing…

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03 May 2025 – I assumed that he was planning to come over after breakfast, after the kids were awake, with the premise of a haircut, I assumed wrong. He rocks up at my house at 6:10am, we hadn’t discussed what the plan was today but I guess I’m not going to the gym I booked in for at 7:30am, am I?! I am not annoyed about seeing him, but what fucks me off is that he is gone by 9:00am saying he ‘has to go’ get his hair cut… What happened to the sexless dates? What happened to wanting to spend time with me? This is just like it was in Affair one, when he was always scared of being caught. I thought that when he had a few hours to see me, we would do something, I was thinking we would have lunch or something today. That I wouldn’t just be in bed, that I would have vacuumed, washed my hair after the gym. I mean even when he leaves to go get his hair cut, I have errands to do at the shops also, but I don’t ask to go with him, I’m surprised he chose to come so early in the morning without telling me & not have a date, when we finally have time together. He has all day & this is how he chose to do todays catch up? I just don’t get him at all…

Anyway enough about my disappointment – because I am sexually satisfied. Lets talk about that instead. He climbs into bed with me with clothes on, usually he gets naked or at least takes off his shirt, leaving his boxers on. We play with each other, kissing & hugging before I have to go sort of out dogs & climb back into bed with him. Our session today starts out pretty standard but fucking hot as always, he is teasing me that I say I want him naked & I climb on top of him, fucking him till I cum. When I start sucking his cock, I have an idea – the make up brush! I grab the one I have now left in my bedside table, as it’s not really suitable for make up anymore, hahaha, & run it all over his legs, his cock, his balls, over his belly & as I am doing that I also give him a suck & a lick, I am not able to jerk his cock at the same time, so I apologise for it not being epic but he says that it was epic & felt so good. A first for both of us, not that he will believe me at this point.

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04 May 2025 – The next morning I sleep in till 8:45am but wake up when I hear my phone making the snapchat buzz that Phoenix is typing, I look & it’s his good morning message… Ah, the pull back is in full force… He’s been up since 4:00am, at work since 7:00am, but I don’t even get a message until almost 9:00am. Yesterday was another pull back move… So I need to be prepared for this to end, he’s got me where he wants me & now he know he doesn’t need to put in as much effort so I need to remember what I am… Why was I so disappointed about yesterday, thinking I was going to have a sexless date with him, but I am just sex to him. Which is a very sad realisation… This is going to be the new normal, I need to get used to it or walk away.

We have planned for me to go to his work for lunch today & am going to make him a pepperoni potato for lunch. He calls me for his first break & we chat on the phone while he has what I would consider morning tea but he calls it lunch. I am being lazy in bed that once he goes back to work & we hang up, I get distracted by something on my phone before I get a message from him, “Get up and do something you lazy fuck.” BAHAHA, I ask if he has a peep hole & so I get up to be a bit productive.

I put on a casual tight LSKD dress & when I get to Phoenix’s work he asks why I am so dressed up, I don’t consider this to be dressed up, but he wears a lot of tracksuit pants so I guess a dress is a bit dressed up. After I get home I feel a little shit about how we’ve been with each other lately, I mean we’re not fighting about my blog at least but we’re not really connecting, so I let my guard down a bit, to rekindle the spark, “I really love you & miss you…” that he says, “Awww thanks I do love you too and miss you. Your sad face when I go back to work 😛.” I mean I think I have a poker face, but clearly not. Hahaha. I say that I want more time, more chats on the phone, more of him & he says that he wants more time too. I am sad that we haven’t had a proper date, maybe I’m sad because I thought that we were going to have that the other day. He says “I want to book a Sunday off and spend it with you. Or a weekday. You fucking loved out proper date day didn’t you 🙂.” I suggest that I can call in sick on a weekday if that’s easier because I haven’t used any sick days yet. He started this dating thing & I was loving it, but we haven’t really had much other than sex dates lately & even those are dwindling.

He tells me that he has three days off in a row coming up & he we could do a date then, which I say that I will book annual leave as he said he didn’t want me to call in sick. I realise it’s something he hates about his wife, that I don’t want to be in the habit. I mean regardless of what leave I use, I won’t be at work & it’s not like I love my job anyway! OMG is he actually planning something ahead of time? While I love this, I am scared of calling in sick or taking annual leave & he bails. He’d told me before when I said this that he wouldn’t just bail, but his wife is literally sick once a fortnight minimum & fuck knows how she has sick leave or even has a job at this point. His kids are regularly sick (or he says they are) & there was a time where he couldn’t even download snapchat to say anything to me because he was sick for two weeks a few years ago, so he will & has bailed on me, he’s done it before without a care or apology. I don’t doubt that even though A3V2.0 is more loving, he won’t apologise & will bail if he has too.

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5 May 2025 – I had a couple of wines with my sister so I think that’s why I was vulnerable last night, which he says to me something about being tipsy last night, but I say, “I meant eveything I said though… I miss you heaps… More than I admit… And I hate that I get grumpy when I don’t see you – not just for sex but cos I want to see my hot, sexy, attractive, can’t-keep-my-hands-off Boyfriend.” Phoenix agrees & says he knows why I am like I am. But I don’t think he really gets it, what it’s like for me being the girlfriend mistress who only gets to see her boyfriend or talk to him, when he deems himself bored.

Today is the start of something new, lunch break phone calls. So he said that he finishes at 12:00pm today & to call him on my break. I decide that I will go for a walk around the block, get some steps in. I like that we chat on the phone while I walk on my lunch break & that we don’t just talk about sex. I have no idea what we talk about, both of us with ADHD (one diagnosed, one not) our conversations jump all over the place. Honestly, I think our calls are mainly about my work, I think because generally I have no one to talk to about work & when we speak is on my lunch break.

Our chat today is mainly about food, which is depressing me more than talking about my blog, it’s so fucking confusing. I used to think I knew what I was doing with my nutrition, but he just confuses me… As he’s signing off for the night, he says, “Love you too I want to say when we talk on the phone. It sounds right. 😛.” Hmmmm, fuck! He says that he loves talking to me & I agree. Once he has logged off for the night, I remember a chick a job years ago, that I mention it to him, “Do you know something interesting… A chick I worked with a an office years ago, was with a guy, they’re still together however they were together like 10 years when I met her & they talked on the phone every break she had. Which I always thought was weird & always wondered what the fuck they had to say to each other… Now I get it. I could talk to you everyday & not run out of things to say…” I want to talk to him every break, maybe it will help being that the texting has dropped off dramatically…

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Suggestions

26 April 2025 – It’s a Saturday, I know he’s at work because he sent me his roster – I will never be sure if I am ok with that, I want him to send it to me because he wants me to know not because he feels like he has too. But knowing he has been at work since 6:00am, so he would have been up since 4:00am & not messaged me, speak volumes. He’s already set the scene of not messaging me every day & I’ve seen this game before, him pulling me in & letting me go again, like a fish on a fishing line. Fuck Fish! It’s not a new game, but I am prepared for it this time…

At 7:45am, I get a message, “You done being a stubborn bitch or are we going to keep doing this?” Well if he thinks that’s the way to get out of this alive, so be it. I tell him I am not being stubborn but he says that I haven’t messaged for two days – we have messaged every day for the record, but he hasn’t messaged me either, what does he want from me?! He says it works both ways, but I say “Yeah it does… But when my boyfriends reaction to me being pissed is to get pissed at me & leave me on read. I’m not making an effort.” He says good luck with that next time. I don’t think I am in the wrong here, that I say, “Great, good to know I can’t be honest to express feelings & be treated with respect.” Of course, he says that I can, but I can’t, “Clearly not unless I want to be called a stubborn bitch & not be spoken to for 2 days then blamed for it.” Mr narcissist turns it around & says that clearly he can’t get pissed at me then, well fuck mate, you get pissed about my blog every fucking day & I have to make things right – I constantly message & reassure him, it’s rare that he ever makes it right when I am pissed – he’s even said himself before that we are here today because of the effort I have put in. We fight over who is right or wrong, I am not getting my point across at how upset I was & how he usually senses it.

I have to drop my sisters dogs back to her house, so I offer up lunch, but he seems disinterested, saying he is not sure what time his break will be. I know he never knows & he knows I want to see him so I don’t ever mind waiting. So I just say, “all good.” Fuck him, he’s a wanker. But who’s the bigger wanker?! I am in the car with the dogs when he says that he’ll be on his break in 30 minutes, so I drop the dogs off & go visit him for his 30 minute lunch break.

After seeing him, I am more relaxed, not because he made me cum, but because we hugged, we kissed, we talked. Our relationship being mostly online takes its toll sometimes & it will be the reason why it ends eventually. It’s easy to just put our phones down & ignore each other, being stubborn. He has nothing with me – no house, no kids, no pets, no assets, no evidence that we were something, not even a photo, nothing, so it’s easy to just let me go & leave me as a memory (That’s if he lets himself think about me!). If it was his wife, he would have to back down eventually because they live together, sleep together, have everything together – I mean he once fucked me after going to her work to make up with her after a fight, but in our situation, he just logs off & I have no idea if he’s ever going to log on again. I have no other way to contact him, so I just have to wait.

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27 April 2025 – He talked to me after midnight for the first time in ages, that after he logs off, I send a good morning message before I go to sleep, so I can get in first & show him that I care for him & he is not just like every other man (who I never texted first!), he should fucking know that!

I wake up super horny, probably because I have been pissed off for a few days & haven’t had sex, I start by saying, “I really want you this morning… Very hard thick cock to slide up & down on, slow, deep, sensual fucking…” I get the reaction I want, even though I know that he’s home today & it’s her day off so he won’t be able to sext me or see me, “Hmm someone’s fuckin horny! I love our hard slow sensual fuckin. Fuck you made me hard grr.” Me too, sometimes when I ride him slow & deep, it’s so good that my orgasms can go on for a few seconds longer than other orgasms. As we’re chatting about him fucking my ass & how he loves me guiding his cock into my cunt with my hand, when he randomly calls me. He is driving. I love these random calls, I am still in bed, so wet & horny, that I guess he’s just gone out because he needed to jerk off & we are going to have phone sex. He had told me other day that someone had trapped one of their many cats in a cat trap, so today he’s going to buy a cat run, he’s going to the PetBarn near my house, that I start begging him in a soft, sexy, sensual voice to come over & fuck me, I tell him I have a vibe on my cunt… I keep spurring him on that it will be super quick because I am so wet & juicy… He thought he was just calling to have phone sex & listen to me cum on his drive.

Before I know it, he says fuck it & that he’s in his wife’s car so doesn’t have my house key but is on his way – then he makes sure that I know, in no uncertain terms that he can’t stay long. Ok dude, I get it! He pulls into my driveway & hangs up from me, I have unlocked the door for him & gotten back into bed. He is at my house for 20 minutes & it is the horniest I have been in a long time. He slides his hard thick cock into me before he even kisses me hello because I am laying in bed with my legs spread ready for him. As he enters me, he leans over to kiss me & we fuck, hard & fast. Fuck, it’s hot, quick, sensual & sexy, just what I needed this morning. We both cum, after our less than 30 minute phone conversation & 20 minute sex – which actually wasn’t 20 minutes because he also had a shower, before he is out the door.

After he leaves, we send a few messages before he calls me again on the way from PetBarn to home & says goodbye. I send a couple of messages throughout the day, but they are left on unread as he’s not online. What a great feeling that is… He sends a couple of messages later in the afternoon around dinner time, but I am falling asleep waiting for him to come back online, which is usually around 8:00pm but I go to sleep & at 10:00pm, he says “I don’t think I’m coming online tonight so goodnight x. Love you and chat tomorrow X.” But I don’t get it till the next day.

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28 April 2025 – I wake up around 2:30am chucking my guts up… I don’t know why, I did eat a lot of pizza & had a couple of wines at my sisters but not enough wine to vomit, but I do have really bad reflux. I was overthinking a lot yesterday after he fucked me – which makes me stress & upsets my tummy. He tells when he comes online, that he can’t always chat & there will be days where he is totally unavailable, he does remind me that he called me twice for 30 minutes each & did sneakily & very riskily fuck me – he says when he got home they were setting up the cat run, which I understand. Just makes me sad sometimes that I don’t get the life I want with him, which is without him sharing his with someone else…

I try to suggest, being their deck is basically brand new, like a year or two old that he get some lino to put under the cat run as cat piss is just gross even with a litter tray & it’ll seep into the wood, which will stink & be gross, plus my cat vomited hair balls a lot as she had longer hair, imagine that on wood. I put lino in my cat run, because the piss seeped into the bricks & the lino made it waterproof & I was able to just mop up any mess – & I only had one cat, he has five in this tiny PetBarn cat run! But Phoenix knows better & says that he’ll be using his amazing floor cleaner on it… – Um gross. I don’t know why, this isn’t specific to Phoenix, but I really hate when I have a good idea & people dismiss it. He does it a lot. This annoys me with him, especially since I know that he’s not the cleanest person in the world, so I don’t think that he will be cleaning his deck or the litter trays for that matter, as regularly as he says he will, he sends me a photo of the cat run set up & it takes up a lot of room on their small deck & there is nothing covering the wood, so it’ll ruin their deck, not that they probably refinish it or anything like they should. Why do I give a fuck about their deck?!

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29 April 2025 – Today all we talk about is food & how many calories Dr Phoenix thinks I should be eating & what I should be doing to lose weight. He says I don’t need he gym, but I do, I hate working out but I need to work out for my mental wellbeing & also helps me eat better. Of course, this has always been one of our top topics over the years but now our nutrition conversations cannot happen without a mention of his wife on Wegovy & how little she eats now, not to mention how sick she feels. I get that he is trying to help me & I love the help he offers but why the fuck does he need to bring up his wife, is it so I go get an injection & lose weight myself, so I stop complaining or so look better for him?! Or is he trying to say that I shouldn’t get it because it just makes you feel sick?! I never ask but I try not to let comments about how much weight she loses make me sad & want to eat. I get that I am his best friend & he doesn’t talk about her with anyone, so of course I would be the only option but fuck it’s really a struggle to hear anything about her, because she sounds lazy & boring – she’s constantly sick but of course I only get one side of the story…

I get home & open plex, it’s a Tuesday & he’s downloaded the handmaids tale for me, today also his plex account now has a picture of him in the profile, which wasn’t there before. Did he does that for my benefit? He says he didn’t update it; it must have linked to Facebook – because I have his log in, so I say that I will update the picture to one of me or one of our bitmojis together. He asks me not too & says that he does trust me.

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30 April 2025 – He says something about seeing me on the weekend & I say that I don’t want to take time away from his kids, he reminds me that I can take up a little of his time, I say “I want to see you of course. I just don’t want to be the reason you aren’t seeing them.” But he says “Well I will need to skip them sometimes for you.” I guess he does see them everyday from 4:00pm when they get home until they go to bed. But he did choose them over me & they are his number one thing (as they should be) so I don’t ever want to be the reason he doesn’t see them.

He shares his blog with me. His blog is more like articles on topics, but he is a good writer & I really like it, which is what I tell him. Because he wants to make money of it, I ask him if he wants me to edit it for him, I don’t want to be a negative Nancy about it. I copy & paste it into a word document & I track the changes that I make. He goes to sleep really early, so I spend ages reading it & editing it before I send it to him. Saying “Morning baby, I sent you an email to your Phoenix email with my suggestions for your blog… I won’t be offended if you don’t use my suggestions, I just want to help your blog is successful for Google ads.” I want him to succeed; I want to help… I also am wide awake, that I write a blog post for him on Cheezels. When I finally get the courage to send it to him for him to read & post, under an ails – he doesn’t. & ironically, he never uses my suggested changes either, he barely ever posted on it & now, I can’t even find the page so he must have unpublished it… Which is weird because he still has TikTok & YouTube that he never posts on either.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – AMM

24 April 2025 – I have terrible insomnia overnight so I send him a rambling message mainly about my food choices & how I need to get my eating under control. When he wakes up he goes into advice mode which I love, but it’s all stuff I know, I have been good before & lost weight, so I know what to do but I don’t get quick enough results so I lose motivation & say nothing works.

I don’t know what makes me think of it, but I remember creating an Adult Matchmaker (AMM) account for Phoenix & I a few years ago when I thought we could find another person for a threesome & I can finally get my number one fantasy & maybe get him another threesome with a chick too. So I navigate to the website on my phone & click login, thinking what the fuck would I have used to log in, turns out google has saved my login details & there it is, a joint account with him – all done by me back in 2021. I can’t even remember the last time I looked at it. So in this honest & open relationship I tell him I have another confession & I tell him about the AMM account & also give him the log in details so he can look at it if he wants too & see who I’m chatting to (which is no one from 2021 or currently) but maybe I will to get this fantasy going & maybe he’ll want to chat to some women too. But within a couple of hours it blows up, I snap like a child & I delete the whole account & we don’t talk about it again.

At this point, we have a 50 day snapchat streak, it’s one month since our eight year anniversary, & like 60 days since he started affair 3 v2.0 & to be honest, I am surprised its lasted this long. I have been waiting for something to happen – I’ve had an official boyfriend for exactly 14 days, so something has to give, I guess… Just didn’t think it would be like this or end like this – with him ghosting me? Again! I can’t believe I am here again with him. I am eerily calm & yet so fucking mad that I am never going to message him. Fuck him. I said I wouldn’t be the one to fix things when it blows up this time… I mean it!

So to give background, you all know by now that he’s read the blog, he’s made it perfectly clear that he isn’t happy about things I did – fine, I own that, there is nothing I can do about it & honestly, I don’t care anymore, I am not happy about the things he did after shattering my heart. But he also doesn’t get that I don’t write because I am boasting or I am proud of what I’ve done. I didn’t post expecting him to ever read it either, so when I say things some things its not always a thought out comment & it can be just how I feel at that moment of writing, not all the time. Things I say in my blog particularly about other people aren’t always how I feel, I write it, I post it & they are just thoughts. The only constant & real thing I knew & wanted was with Phoenix.

The above ‘never messaging him again’ being one of them – I mean I am super pissed, I am not going to message but I don’t know if he will or if this is how it ends? I don’t know, but right now as I type, I feel like it is going to have to be over soon. I can’t keep having this same fight. That doesn’t mean I am going out & fucking everyone or that I consider myself single again, I am just mega pissed right now.

So even though we’ve had this fight about 50 times in the last 60 days about me having ‘the same’ relationship with J-Lo & Rob Rob as I have with Phoenix is getting so old & so fucking far from the truth that I cannot keep telling Phoenix how much I love him, that I was never in love with either J-Lo or Rob Rob & furthermore, Phoenix was fucking his partner the entire time he was with me & worst of all married her during a second affair with me! How is that not worse than me having a friend that I fucked when he broke my heart!

Anyway because of the AMM account we’re talking about the threesome idea again, I love this & want it. I feel like this time I might get it, I mean he’s been more giving with him time so I think we’ll be able to plan this…. I always wanted it with Phoenix & the other guy I trusted was Rob Rob, but after everything he’s read about Rob Rob, I don’t think that Phoenix is going to want to do it with him. But to my surprise he says that he wants to give me what I want but dribbles shit about being in competition with them. Phoenix had no competition – the only competition we had, was his wife. A competition that she won. I wasn’t ever really a competitor… He was always going to choose her & he always kept me close enough to keep me invested but never close enough to want only me. No matter what he says, none of the men I ever talked to, were ever a competition for Phoenix. He had me hook line & sinker, I just was dumb sometimes & tried to sabotage it – but there has never been any competition for him – EVER! Even to this very day (at time of writing & time of posting!) there is no competition. I was dating & trying to find an actual partner. If anyone I was chatting too on a regular basis left their partner – not for me, but because it was over – I would have tried to date them, I don’t deny that, but that wasn’t a competition on who left first – like I was waiting around to be their rebound or something. I was on dating apps, I was looking for a partner, a proper partner. As much as I hate to say it, if Phoenix became single & somehow I was actually with someone else, I know that I would leave the guy I was with to be with Phoenix. No doubt in my mind. Just as now, if he left his wife, I would be there for him to have as a proper real life, out in the open, public partner!

I genuinely think he is just having a conversation with me but I am so fucking sick of this competition shit, that I cannot just talk casually about this anymore… I did not & never had feelings for Rob Rob or J-Lo. Nor have a I had feelings for anyone else, yes I have liked guys over the years, absolutely, but I have never started to get proper feelings that could turn into love. He keeps saying that he wasn’t special to me, which fucking breaks my heart every time he says it. He married someone while fucking me & didn’t have the decency to tell me himself. He didn’t tell me his wife was pregnant, I had to guess & ask… So how am I special to him, if he can’t even tell me important things in his life? I know this is about him, not me but I can’t fucking deal with this anymore, I am so sick of it that I say, “Ok, you’re not special . I did everything for all of the chat app, the anon app & tinder. You should wear a condom with me in future.” But he asks who I trust for this threesome that he wants to make this happen for me. I snap without telling him that the top choice would still be Rob Rob, even though I don’t chat to him that much anymore.

The fantasy of public toilet sex, was apparently a top fantasy for Phoenix that he raised with me once, fucking once & I said I didn’t want too so he never asked again – remembering that I said yes to everything he suggested so I find it hard to believe that I said no & I don’t have evidence either way, so lets just say I did say no. Phoenix now says he doesn’t want it because I did it with someone else – a partnered man that I have a friendship with & so now Phoenix has no interest in it at all, well I never told Phoenix about this, he read it in my blog & it was fucking years ago when we were apart! Whereas after breaking my heart, – he chose her over me – I no longer care if it was because of the kids, or if I can justify it away because of his childhood trauma, he didn’t choose me, he chose her. Period. But after breaking my heart, only weeks later came back online in an open relationship – rubbing it in my face & even telling me the reason he pushed for an open relationship was to see me – yet he never did, not once did he even try, so what a crock of shit! He then had a threesome with another dude with his wife, knowing it was my number one fantasy that he refused to do with me & when he did finally agree to maybe doing it with me, he made it difficult every step of the way, that it never happened. Then, to top it all off, Phoenix tells me all about the threesome he had with his wife, how he had to direct the dude what to do, he had to tell his wife what to do & then the dude came really quickly with a condom on. Great!

With this realisation about the threesome, then thinking about the public toilet sex & his feelings about it, I do not want this threesome anymore. I do not want a threesome with him, he did it with someone else knowing without a single doubt in his mind, that it was my top fantasy that we discussed often (& still do) & is somehow pissed at me for doing something with someone when I didn’t know it was even a fantasy of his & I never rubbed it in his face… I do not want this threesome anymore. I am done with this bullshit & feeling shit day after day. I open up AMM & find ‘delete account’. I know I am being childish by deleting this account, but I don’t care. I don’t want it. In fact, the rimming scenario also goes through my head too. I do not want to do anything out of the ordinary with Phoenix that he has done with his wife. I put in so much effort in the last eight years to do everything this guy has ever wanted, that his wife apparently wouldn’t do & what do I get? Treated like shit, called a slut, because he’s read my blog & got jealous. I say to him that I don’t want it anymore (I wish that I said that I would do it in a heartbeat with someone else though! FUCK HIM!!) & he says that yes I do & that I bring it up a lot… I am so fucking angry, “Nah, I don’t want it. AMM acc is closed. I’ll pick up some condoms.” I cannot even be bothered with him now. I put my phone down. How can someone you love hurt you so much? “Don’t lie to me. You always wanted it. You couldn’t fuck me with condoms if you tried. And we tried. Stop being silly. Oh wow you did close it … IBD4U you fuckwit!!!! I didn’t want you to do that!!! I didn’t even get a chance to look at it haha. Don’t feel shit about what I said… It wasn’t my intention.”

He says he wants a threesome with me, that he will open up an account himself (Spoiler alert, he never does – not with me anyway!) I tell him not to bother, I do not want it. He says that he didn’t intend to make me feel shit but I think he forgets that I already feel shit about my sex life. I already feel like the worlds biggest loser that I have been single basically my whole life, that I didn’t even know what love was or what it was like to be loved, what it was like to love until I was well into my 30’s. He has no idea what that is like. He has no clue what that feels like & he has no idea how much it fucks with my head all the time. He tells me that he’s pissed that I deleted it, well I don’t give a fuck. It’s gone. He says that I am being dumb – maybe I am. But isn’t he too? I didn’t fuck someone in a public toilet after knowing full well it was his top fantasy that I was going to rub in his face later, giving him every fucking detail about the encounter so that he’ll hate me. I don’t recall ever talking about it with him as one of his top fantasies. I remember suggesting a public toilet & him not being interested but I don’t recall him ever suggesting it, does he not realise that if I knew that he wanted it, I would have done it with him in a heartbeat? I have always done everything he ever wanted & more…

He rubbed his kinky life in my face after breaking my heart, but he says “That was coincidental based on the information being feed to you by others and never intentially rubbed in your face … It wasn’t important to me but was a top fantasy but either way it doesn’t matter anymore , you were willing to do for someone else and not make it happen for me and showed me no interest with me about it so meh 🤷‍♂️, but obviously someone else wanted it ans yiu showed them more interest and was keener. My situation and fantasy didn’t depend on specific events and a certain person that was alot harder to make happen , mine could of been done very easily, you just showed no interest, I was open and warming up to yours towards the end. Either way. Why are we fighting about this ?” Is he joking, he never rubbed it in my face?! Is it April fools day? “Wasn’t coincidental, you told me the ins & outs. All I knew is that you did my top fantasy with your wife… Then told me how you had to direct the whole thing & that it blew your mind how he came so quickly with a condom… Anyway doesn’t matter, I don’t want it. Keep your memories of a 3sum with your wife intact.” Queue Mr I-Have-To-Be-The-Most-Angry, “Okay then. Did you read that recently ? Because I don’t even remember that. But anyway whatever, if you don’t want to do it with me fuck it 🤷‍♂️ You do whatever the fuck you want.” I say “will do” at around 8:30pm, he reads it & we don’t speak again.

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25 April 2025 – The next day is Anzac day & also a Friday, so I am off – which fucking sucks cos I am so fucking hurt & angry, I don’t hear from him in the morning & it sucks that it’s a public holiday because I need to be busy today – lucky I have lots of lash clients so I can have the rest of the weekend off instead & I’m picking up my sisters dogs later for a sleepover. At around 2:00pm he messages “Could of at least said good morning to me. Are we done with that shit now?” Errr… He literally has been first to say hello every fucking day since this started, mainly because he is up before me, I didn’t even know if he’d be online today & assumed that I’d be left on unread – not something that makes me feel good. Nah get fucked, I am not writing to you first mate… Ever. “You could’ve said good night or good morning, instead of leaving me on read…. 🤷🏼‍♀️.”

Since we send less than 200 words in total today, the whole conversation can make up this days post, It’s a public holiday & you know what, he can’t be online today because not only is it a Friday, but his family is home – he can only message when it suits him, otherwise they are the usual excuses. “I was done with that convo. Nothing stopping you saying good night either 🤷‍♂️. Someone can be a stubborn bitch hey.” Oh he was done, was he?! “I’m fucking pissed off, so if that makes me a bitch… 🤷🏼‍♀️.” We will never get over my blog. I know that for certain. “Still pissed off , great, and you know it does.” I ask why I wouldn’t be angry still? “You left me of read, didn’t say good night or good morning & are somehow pissed at me…” What does he expect? “You were being pissy so I avoided you 🤷‍♂️ And sometimes I’m stubborn too 🤷‍♂️”

Awesome what a great way to handle it. He says “You handled it just as ‘great’ Can’t pin this entirely on me….” OMG, I am not pinning it on him, “I am the one who’s pissed off!!! What have you got to be pissed off about?? Because I’m pissed off??” What a fucking child, “Yeah pissed me off you were pissed off. It’s called a domino effect.” Well I should leave him on read, see how he likes it but I send “Good idea… Don’t try to fix it. Jist get pissed off yourself & ignore me. Well done.” He sends back, “It is what it is 🤷‍♂️.” I don’t reply. Go fuck your wife in a kinky threesome in a public toilet, for all I care, Fuck Fish. I am fucking done thinking about this bullshit!

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Pumpkin O’clock 🎃

21 April 2025 – It’s Easter Monday, I don’t know if I want to look at his message, maybe last night was my own fault, maybe it was his. Probably it was both of our faults because we shouldn’t talk about her at all. Or when drunk. Or when he is home with his whole family!! But I have many questions about her & their relationship but anything he says about loving her just makes me sad & anything he says about me being better, just makes me even sadder. I should keep those thoughts to myself. He asks me if everything is ok, I say yes & he sends me a meme that reminds him of me, I tell him about a random dream I had of him this morning, both of us trying hard to cut the tension of last nights conversation without bringing it up again.

He calls me, which is weird, because it’s a public holiday & neither are at work, but then I realise that he is out – getting alcohol for today’s wrestling match being that he drank most of it yesterday. He just rang to chat while he was out doing errands – getting more alcohol, so we don’t get to chat long, but it helps the mood of our conversation to be lighter than yesterday & I’m glad he decided to randomly ring me. He messages when he gets home, “You have a sexy phone voice in general. I want to ring you more. I love chatting to you on the phone 😐.” I tell him he can ring me anytime because I will be available & get notifications, I wish I could call him & he could answer when I called, but chances are he wouldn’t even have snapchat downloaded on his phone to see the notification anyway.

He talks a lot about wrestling, explaining a women from Adelaide Rhea Ripley is on today, she ends up losing which he is annoyed about – I only just heard of her & I am upset a fellow Adelaide chick didn’t win. When he talks about wrestling, not something I really understand, I ask questions to understand better being it is something he really likes & follows. He tells me about a major WWE event that happened in Perth & was happening again later this year that he & his son want to go to, which I tell him that he should go but he says that it’s too expensive. He says that he was wasted yesterday & he should have stopped, I mean I should have stopped asking questions that I really didn’t want to know the answer too but that I knew he would be uncomfortable answering. He then sends me a meme that reminds him of me, probably to change the subject, just as I do – I’ll make it todays heart.

But we get into a heated discussion about the infamous ‘ask me anything baby’ & how I did ask questions but apparently it was just a joke & he says that I took advantage of him being drunk… Um, no, I don’t think it was a joke, “What did you expect me to ask?? Of course I’m curious about the woman you married while fucking me…. I’d be a she-bot if I didn’t care about your life with her…” It’s the one thing we don’t really talk about because usually he comparing her body & their sex to my body & our sex, so while I know he loves me, how am I supposed to see our relationship as anything other than sex? He makes it about sex just as much as I do – particularly when we talk about her.

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22 April 2025 – We have a little disagreement last night before we log off – about my blog & period sex, that he stared giving me one word answers or just an emoji that I said a cold goodnight. I ask him the next morning if we can talk about how we treat each other right before bed, because I sleep like shit & he’s admitted that he sometimes sleeps like shit too. But he says that if I give a cold goodnight then he will give a colder one…. Oh yes, don’t forget Phoenix has to be the one who is most pissed off. He says we’re both stubborn & neither of us will give in, usually in the morning he gives in with a hello but that’s as much as he will back down. I ask how we made it this far when we are both so stubborn & he refuses to make me feel better when I am upset. Yet he said last night. “You can get angry at what ever you want 🤷‍♂️” But I say that’s not true because any time I get angry about anything with him, he just gets more angry & more stubborn, usually logging off. He says “You ran from that convo in stubbornness 🤷‍♂️ I reacted in stubbornness 🤷‍♂️” yeah good one Fuck Fish!

I don’t even know how it happens, how he turns a simple conversation into something that makes me feel so awful, “I just don’t think you would have done anything special for me that others wouldn’t get. If sweeties husband continued seeing you and putting effort in he would of got everything I got , the same with the other blokes during the first affair. If the buff dude kept seeing you I think he would of got even more than me, and he got literally everything I got within weeks , you would of given him anything during second affair , I’m certain you would continued fucking both of us if he didn’t stop, at least you would of been getting better head. I asked for a fantasy that you showed no interest in with me during the final part of the first affair you were so willing to give to someone else but showed no interest in doing with me. You are kidding yourself if you think any different. If others put in effort they would of got nothing different to me, and they often didn’t… That’s all I’m saying 🤷‍♂️ All I got special was the ‘making love part’. I don’t think you would have treated me any different to the other blokes and you often didn’t 🤷‍♂️ I’ve read proof lol. You got nothing because you know it is all true…. #tellmewhenimtellinglies. I do think you have changed, matured and even mean it now when you say it in the present day and context however. I also think it’s the only reason you never shared me the blog vs other close online men in your life… .you wanted me to be more special sexually in your head to you than I actually was 🤷‍♂️(and to me)” I reply “Honestly. Get fucked. Why do you even talk to me if you believe any of that??” Firstly, most of those experiences he was talking about happened after he shattered my heart & I had already had so many firsts with Phoenix & was trying to replace him by doing things with other men, I won’t deny that. But doesn’t every relationship continue because someone puts in the effort & others fall off the radar? He says he was just one of four blokes at the start & yes that is true, until just as the guys did, I didn’t put in effort either to keep seeing them once I got entwined with Phoenix. He won’t believe that so I don’t even bother telling him. Lets not forget, I was ALWAYS one of two or more for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS!!! He never has to fight for my attention, I always had to wait for his…

“Just don’t try and make me feel special when it comes to sex when it was never true 🤷‍♂️ Also why do you think I have made so much effort on the non sexual side of things this time around if I didn’t think it was true 😐.” I didn’t know I was trying to make him feel special, if that’s how he interprets what I am saying then that’s his problem. He is special to me because I’ve had so many firsts with him, I talk about everything with him, not just superficial shit & he loves me… Sex has never had feeling until him & even after him, I’ve never had sex with feeling, ever… He is the only one I’ve had feelings with – he can’t say the same for me! So get fucked!! “I have no idea what you think. And if that’s what you think of me, I don’t even know what we’re doing.” Why is he even fucking talking to me if he thinks he is just one of the many – like he would be any fucking different if I was the married one. “Wow okay. I obviously have issues. I am all just fucked up from your blog 🤷‍♂️. If you don’t want what we have just tell me now I guess. We are here today because of the blog but I’m also fucked up cos of it.🤷‍♂️” When did I ever say I didn’t want what we have? I love what we have now. I want more, I want it all. I have always pictured more with him… Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with what we have but I have always wanted more from him. He’s not ready to give me that, I am not sure if he’ll ever be ready to give me that, which will probably be the end of us eventually, I guess, but I don’t like to think of what he can’t give me & just focus on what we have.

I receive in the post today the Phoenix & IBD4U geocaching stamp; I stamp it & send a snap to him, to show him & I think he is genuninley surprised I did order it. I mean I ordered it from Shien, so it was under $5 & I was doing an order anyway. I also get my school girl outfit, which I try on & send him a picture of, I put on knee high boots & let my tits bulge out the bottom of the shirt that is a midriff. I start a little dialogue pretending to be a school girl who is a virgin & wants her boyfriend to have sex with her or he’ll dump her (not a great story for a feminist but it’s a stupid fantasy okay?! Hahha) I have my period so I don’t feel great about my body & say that maybe this fantasy needs to wait till I am ovulating.

I then open up the plex app, just to see what is on there & he’s fucking downloaded the handmaids tale & uploaded it for me. Fuck I love him… He says that he is nice sometimes & says, “you secretly love having something done for you miss independent been single forever woman.” Which I say is not a secret. He asks how the show is & I say that there is a rape scene on which I then explain that the whole premise of the show is based on rape. He says he doesn’t know what the show is about so when I explain it he says it sounds interesting & I picture in my stupid little fantasy head, watching it with him in bed every Tuesday night before we have sex & go to sleep…

One funny thing is that I have been saying for weeks it’s pumpkin🎃o’clock at 10:30pm, to be honest I thought I was hilarious, saying it & that it’s time for us to log off. He never really mentioned it, but I just kept the reference alive most nights, when tonight he asks about it & say he didn’t want to look like a dick the first time I said it. Maybe it’s just clear in my head about turning back into a pumpkin like in Cinderella at 10:30pm, like something inside him switches & he stops talking. I find it so funny that he’s just let me go with this reference for weeks without understanding what I am referring too!

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23 April 2025 – Today my hot as fuck boyfriend (I love calling him that! So much so, that I ask if he is ok if I tell random people I have a boyfriend, like my hairdresser or whatever, he says yes.) is bringing me lunch, I am working from home being a short week between Easter & Anzac Day, I had tried to get it off but two other people in my team had it off so I wasn’t allowed – like I am doing work anyway… He is bringing me his favourite fast food, a little niche burger place at the shops near my house, he even messages to say he got me chips. He always tells me not to order chips when we eat out because they are fattening – not because I am fat but because he knows I want to lose weight & he is offering me tips on what I can do to cut calories. I check the snap maps & it doesn’t update often for him, I think he turns his location on & off a bit, not that I look at it in a who-are-you-fucking kind of way, but more like how-far-away-from-my-house-are-you, which it never updates for me to see how close he is, so I never know anyway.

He is so fucking cute, he ordered two different burgers – they do special ones, a ceasar burger & a breakfast burger, two of my favourite things. As I am sorting out the dogs, he gives me half of each & has even bought me a coke no sugar, even though I have them in the fridge. I wish the security videos had sound because we don’t stop talking & when I see us giggling I forget what we were talking about unless I write instantly, which I have written fairly close to the event, but so much happens that I forget what we talk about. We walk into the lounge room after we eat & we fuck on the couch – it’s so good to mix it up. We do not have boring bed sex ever, but we have basically only had bed sex for the last five years, so changing it up to the couch, is pretty sexy. We both go down on each other & I ride him, but he is on his knees while fucking me with my legs in the air. We then somehow move into the kitchen & fucks me over the bench, just because you know, why not. As I am walking away & he is getting dressed to leave, he grabs me, pushing me up against the wall – the video of this is so hot, my arms above my head & he is fingering me, my new favourite thing from him. But standing up & pinned against the wall is like epically good, he holds me up as I cum, knowing I am getting weak legs & can’t stand. I then look him in the eye when we are kissing & hugging & ask him to fuck my ass. He hasn’t fucked it in so long, last date I recorded was in 2024 – he says later that he couldn’t say no when I asked with direct eye contact. (I mean would he say no if I didn’t look him in the eye? I doubt it). Afterwards, he jumps in the shower, so I join him & we have a nice bonding moment where I soap up my hands & run them all over his back & chest…

Once we are dressed, I know I should get back to doing some work & he’ll need to leave soon but I don’t want him too, that we sit on the couch & he’s complained about a sore back this morning, so I rub it for him as we chat about shit. I had given him a easter egg before Easter & now it’s after Easter, he gives me one too. It’s a token gesture from each of us, but it’s something sweet that reminds me he thinks of me – even if it was probably discounted at his work today. Hahaha.

It’s about this time that Phoenix hasn’t really done anything with the podcast chick, his Facebook earnings aren’t as high as it was, despite him making lots of content. I tell him to focus on the podcast especially since he has someone that is keen to do it & it needs to be consistent, but then he says that he is going to start a blog & even sets it up on WordPress. He is so obsessed with making money but doesn’t want to do anything to make it, its kind of frustrating to listen to. Here, he has someone pushing for a podcast & he doesn’t want to do it. He sets up google ads & some other thing too that will make money but if you’re not getting traffic to the blog, who is going to pay for an ad on your page?! It’s the part he doesn’t seem to get, but he knows best & talks a lot about the algorithms, that I just try to be supportive – I gave him a bunch of ideas for new content & he just said, “yeah they don’t do good.” So I just stop making suggestions. Then I have to wonder, once upon a time, did his wife show interest in his hobbies & she got shut down every time she said something, so she’s just stopped showing interest? Because I can tell you, it’s hard to talk about his Facebook page when he just shuts down every suggestion I make.

#IBD4U