April 2025 – Pumpkin O’clock 🎃
21 April 2025 – It’s Easter Monday, I don’t know if I want to look at his message, maybe last night was my own fault, maybe it was his. Probably it was both of our faults because we shouldn’t talk about her at all. Or when drunk. Or when he is home with his whole family!! But I have many questions about her & their relationship but anything he says about loving her just makes me sad & anything he says about me being better, just makes me even sadder. I should keep those thoughts to myself. He asks me if everything is ok, I say yes & he sends me a meme that reminds him of me, I tell him about a random dream I had of him this morning, both of us trying hard to cut the tension of last nights conversation without bringing it up again.
He calls me, which is weird, because it’s a public holiday & neither are at work, but then I realise that he is out – getting alcohol for today’s wrestling match being that he drank most of it yesterday. He just rang to chat while he was out doing errands – getting more alcohol, so we don’t get to chat long, but it helps the mood of our conversation to be lighter than yesterday & I’m glad he decided to randomly ring me. He messages when he gets home, “You have a sexy phone voice in general. I want to ring you more. I love chatting to you on the phone 😐.” I tell him he can ring me anytime because I will be available & get notifications, I wish I could call him & he could answer when I called, but chances are he wouldn’t even have snapchat downloaded on his phone to see the notification anyway.
He talks a lot about wrestling, explaining a women from Adelaide Rhea Ripley is on today, she ends up losing which he is annoyed about – I only just heard of her & I am upset a fellow Adelaide chick didn’t win. When he talks about wrestling, not something I really understand, I ask questions to understand better being it is something he really likes & follows. He tells me about a major WWE event that happened in Perth & was happening again later this year that he & his son want to go to, which I tell him that he should go but he says that it’s too expensive. He says that he was wasted yesterday & he should have stopped, I mean I should have stopped asking questions that I really didn’t want to know the answer too but that I knew he would be uncomfortable answering. He then sends me a meme that reminds him of me, probably to change the subject, just as I do – I’ll make it todays heart.
But we get into a heated discussion about the infamous ‘ask me anything baby’ & how I did ask questions but apparently it was just a joke & he says that I took advantage of him being drunk… Um, no, I don’t think it was a joke, “What did you expect me to ask?? Of course I’m curious about the woman you married while fucking me…. I’d be a she-bot if I didn’t care about your life with her…” It’s the one thing we don’t really talk about because usually he comparing her body & their sex to my body & our sex, so while I know he loves me, how am I supposed to see our relationship as anything other than sex? He makes it about sex just as much as I do – particularly when we talk about her.
22 April 2025 – We have a little disagreement last night before we log off – about my blog & period sex, that he stared giving me one word answers or just an emoji that I said a cold goodnight. I ask him the next morning if we can talk about how we treat each other right before bed, because I sleep like shit & he’s admitted that he sometimes sleeps like shit too. But he says that if I give a cold goodnight then he will give a colder one…. Oh yes, don’t forget Phoenix has to be the one who is most pissed off. He says we’re both stubborn & neither of us will give in, usually in the morning he gives in with a hello but that’s as much as he will back down. I ask how we made it this far when we are both so stubborn & he refuses to make me feel better when I am upset. Yet he said last night. “You can get angry at what ever you want 🤷♂️” But I say that’s not true because any time I get angry about anything with him, he just gets more angry & more stubborn, usually logging off. He says “You ran from that convo in stubbornness 🤷♂️ I reacted in stubbornness 🤷♂️” yeah good one Fuck Fish!
I don’t even know how it happens, how he turns a simple conversation into something that makes me feel so awful, “I just don’t think you would have done anything special for me that others wouldn’t get. If sweeties husband continued seeing you and putting effort in he would of got everything I got , the same with the other blokes during the first affair. If the buff dude kept seeing you I think he would of got even more than me, and he got literally everything I got within weeks , you would of given him anything during second affair , I’m certain you would continued fucking both of us if he didn’t stop, at least you would of been getting better head. I asked for a fantasy that you showed no interest in with me during the final part of the first affair you were so willing to give to someone else but showed no interest in doing with me. You are kidding yourself if you think any different. If others put in effort they would of got nothing different to me, and they often didn’t… That’s all I’m saying 🤷♂️ All I got special was the ‘making love part’. I don’t think you would have treated me any different to the other blokes and you often didn’t 🤷♂️ I’ve read proof lol. You got nothing because you know it is all true…. #tellmewhenimtellinglies. I do think you have changed, matured and even mean it now when you say it in the present day and context however. I also think it’s the only reason you never shared me the blog vs other close online men in your life… .you wanted me to be more special sexually in your head to you than I actually was 🤷♂️(and to me)” I reply “Honestly. Get fucked. Why do you even talk to me if you believe any of that??” Firstly, most of those experiences he was talking about happened after he shattered my heart & I had already had so many firsts with Phoenix & was trying to replace him by doing things with other men, I won’t deny that. But doesn’t every relationship continue because someone puts in the effort & others fall off the radar? He says he was just one of four blokes at the start & yes that is true, until just as the guys did, I didn’t put in effort either to keep seeing them once I got entwined with Phoenix. He won’t believe that so I don’t even bother telling him. Lets not forget, I was ALWAYS one of two or more for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS!!! He never has to fight for my attention, I always had to wait for his…
“Just don’t try and make me feel special when it comes to sex when it was never true 🤷♂️ Also why do you think I have made so much effort on the non sexual side of things this time around if I didn’t think it was true 😐.” I didn’t know I was trying to make him feel special, if that’s how he interprets what I am saying then that’s his problem. He is special to me because I’ve had so many firsts with him, I talk about everything with him, not just superficial shit & he loves me… Sex has never had feeling until him & even after him, I’ve never had sex with feeling, ever… He is the only one I’ve had feelings with – he can’t say the same for me! So get fucked!! “I have no idea what you think. And if that’s what you think of me, I don’t even know what we’re doing.” Why is he even fucking talking to me if he thinks he is just one of the many – like he would be any fucking different if I was the married one. “Wow okay. I obviously have issues. I am all just fucked up from your blog 🤷♂️. If you don’t want what we have just tell me now I guess. We are here today because of the blog but I’m also fucked up cos of it.🤷♂️” When did I ever say I didn’t want what we have? I love what we have now. I want more, I want it all. I have always pictured more with him… Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with what we have but I have always wanted more from him. He’s not ready to give me that, I am not sure if he’ll ever be ready to give me that, which will probably be the end of us eventually, I guess, but I don’t like to think of what he can’t give me & just focus on what we have.
I receive in the post today the Phoenix & IBD4U geocaching stamp; I stamp it & send a snap to him, to show him & I think he is genuninley surprised I did order it. I mean I ordered it from Shien, so it was under $5 & I was doing an order anyway. I also get my school girl outfit, which I try on & send him a picture of, I put on knee high boots & let my tits bulge out the bottom of the shirt that is a midriff. I start a little dialogue pretending to be a school girl who is a virgin & wants her boyfriend to have sex with her or he’ll dump her (not a great story for a feminist but it’s a stupid fantasy okay?! Hahha) I have my period so I don’t feel great about my body & say that maybe this fantasy needs to wait till I am ovulating.
I then open up the plex app, just to see what is on there & he’s fucking downloaded the handmaids tale & uploaded it for me. Fuck I love him… He says that he is nice sometimes & says, “you secretly love having something done for you miss independent been single forever woman.” Which I say is not a secret. He asks how the show is & I say that there is a rape scene on which I then explain that the whole premise of the show is based on rape. He says he doesn’t know what the show is about so when I explain it he says it sounds interesting & I picture in my stupid little fantasy head, watching it with him in bed every Tuesday night before we have sex & go to sleep…
One funny thing is that I have been saying for weeks it’s pumpkin🎃o’clock at 10:30pm, to be honest I thought I was hilarious, saying it & that it’s time for us to log off. He never really mentioned it, but I just kept the reference alive most nights, when tonight he asks about it & say he didn’t want to look like a dick the first time I said it. Maybe it’s just clear in my head about turning back into a pumpkin like in Cinderella at 10:30pm, like something inside him switches & he stops talking. I find it so funny that he’s just let me go with this reference for weeks without understanding what I am referring too!
23 April 2025 – Today my hot as fuck boyfriend (I love calling him that! So much so, that I ask if he is ok if I tell random people I have a boyfriend, like my hairdresser or whatever, he says yes.) is bringing me lunch, I am working from home being a short week between Easter & Anzac Day, I had tried to get it off but two other people in my team had it off so I wasn’t allowed – like I am doing work anyway… He is bringing me his favourite fast food, a little niche burger place at the shops near my house, he even messages to say he got me chips. He always tells me not to order chips when we eat out because they are fattening – not because I am fat but because he knows I want to lose weight & he is offering me tips on what I can do to cut calories. I check the snap maps & it doesn’t update often for him, I think he turns his location on & off a bit, not that I look at it in a who-are-you-fucking kind of way, but more like how-far-away-from-my-house-are-you, which it never updates for me to see how close he is, so I never know anyway.
He is so fucking cute, he ordered two different burgers – they do special ones, a ceasar burger & a breakfast burger, two of my favourite things. As I am sorting out the dogs, he gives me half of each & has even bought me a coke no sugar, even though I have them in the fridge. I wish the security videos had sound because we don’t stop talking & when I see us giggling I forget what we were talking about unless I write instantly, which I have written fairly close to the event, but so much happens that I forget what we talk about. We walk into the lounge room after we eat & we fuck on the couch – it’s so good to mix it up. We do not have boring bed sex ever, but we have basically only had bed sex for the last five years, so changing it up to the couch, is pretty sexy. We both go down on each other & I ride him, but he is on his knees while fucking me with my legs in the air. We then somehow move into the kitchen & fucks me over the bench, just because you know, why not. As I am walking away & he is getting dressed to leave, he grabs me, pushing me up against the wall – the video of this is so hot, my arms above my head & he is fingering me, my new favourite thing from him. But standing up & pinned against the wall is like epically good, he holds me up as I cum, knowing I am getting weak legs & can’t stand. I then look him in the eye when we are kissing & hugging & ask him to fuck my ass. He hasn’t fucked it in so long, last date I recorded was in 2024 – he says later that he couldn’t say no when I asked with direct eye contact. (I mean would he say no if I didn’t look him in the eye? I doubt it). Afterwards, he jumps in the shower, so I join him & we have a nice bonding moment where I soap up my hands & run them all over his back & chest…
Once we are dressed, I know I should get back to doing some work & he’ll need to leave soon but I don’t want him too, that we sit on the couch & he’s complained about a sore back this morning, so I rub it for him as we chat about shit. I had given him a easter egg before Easter & now it’s after Easter, he gives me one too. It’s a token gesture from each of us, but it’s something sweet that reminds me he thinks of me – even if it was probably discounted at his work today. Hahaha.
It’s about this time that Phoenix hasn’t really done anything with the podcast chick, his Facebook earnings aren’t as high as it was, despite him making lots of content. I tell him to focus on the podcast especially since he has someone that is keen to do it & it needs to be consistent, but then he says that he is going to start a blog & even sets it up on WordPress. He is so obsessed with making money but doesn’t want to do anything to make it, its kind of frustrating to listen to. Here, he has someone pushing for a podcast & he doesn’t want to do it. He sets up google ads & some other thing too that will make money but if you’re not getting traffic to the blog, who is going to pay for an ad on your page?! It’s the part he doesn’t seem to get, but he knows best & talks a lot about the algorithms, that I just try to be supportive – I gave him a bunch of ideas for new content & he just said, “yeah they don’t do good.” So I just stop making suggestions. Then I have to wonder, once upon a time, did his wife show interest in his hobbies & she got shut down every time she said something, so she’s just stopped showing interest? Because I can tell you, it’s hard to talk about his Facebook page when he just shuts down every suggestion I make.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 