Month: Mar 2026

July 2025 – Blood Pressure Monitor

09 July 2025 – So the distance is even more than it was last month, the more the distance, the more pissed off I get, the more he pulls away & we’re in a vicious circle. I try to communicate how it makes me feel but I get the same repeat responses ‘I’m really busy’, ‘I can’t chat to you all the time’, ‘I work & am an influencer’, ‘I am the main care giver for the kids’ & ‘I fall asleep so early.’ Even today when he comes over, I am in a dressing gown. I was actually expecting that he would have been here a lot earlier than he is, that I’ve even had to message good morning first – expecting that he is going to bail since he hasn’t spoken, then he says, “will be there soon”. Just another thing to make the think that I am now an obligation & he wants to just be fuck buddies. But I have baked for him, trying my hardest to turn things around – through the only way I know how. We kiss at the door & then I take him into the kitchen holding his hand, to give him the third heart cookie pie I have made him, I have used icing this morning to write, BFBFF & a heart on it. He literally picks it up, barely looking at it before eating a huge bite & basically it’s gone. I can’t help but feel like a fucking idiot for putting in effort.

So I do what we do best & the only part that works. I kiss him, leaning against the kitchen counter, him opening up my big oversized dressing gown. He rubs my clit & I pull his dick out, the dogs are being annoying so I put them outside with a treat then come back & press against him, his dick is still out which I don’t realise & it catches me by surprise. So I bend down & suck it while he is finishing eating the cookie.

I stand up & grab his cock leading him into my bedroom by his dick. As we walk down the hallway, him backwards & us kissing, he stumbles, it’s not as easy for him to walk backwards as I do when kissing. Is that because he’s used to leading? He’s bigger & stronger so he can guide me? I don’t know but I even say that it’s hard for him to walk backwards. He gets undressed so quickly that I don’t even notice & I say, “Awww, I wanted to undress you.” He comes up behind me & cups my tits while kissing my neck. I climb onto the bed & he is on top of me, not entering me as quickly as usual, I moan a lot & he teases me for as long as he can stand, which isn’t long at all, I moan louder when he enters me & fucks me for a short time before I ask to get on top.

Today I have a blood pressure monitor on, which is on for 24.5 hours for the weight loss study & it’s taking my blood pressure every 30 minutes which is fucking annoying. However trying to have sex while it’s doing a reading is annoying, I am on top of him, moving the cord out the way but it beeps telling me it’s ready to take a measurement, so I sit on him & try to stay still, knowing that if you aren’t still, it will error out & will wait a minute before measuring again & it will measure 3 times. If it doesn’t measure, then it fails – I only have to have 70% measurements so its not the end of the world if it misses some. So when it fails the first time, I say that I will just suck his cock while we wait, but the second reading fails. So I straddle on him again & sit really still while he is begging me to be inside of him. We chat while he begs but I tell him to shhh & I say “I will fuck you like there is no tomorrow once it’s done but I need to be still”.

Once I see that it’s read successfully, I rip the cuff of my arm & I start riding him hard, fast & deep. I cum hard & quickly on him before he flips me over & he cums deep inside me.  After we have finished, we lay there, he feels distant, it’s been like this for a while. I am uncomfortable from squirting & his cum, I can feel it coming out of me but I know that once I get up to go to the toilet, he will get up & go, which I don’t want to break the session, but it’s been weird with him, we haven’t has sex for two weeks & only saw each other for a work lunch break since then so I’ve been feeling the distance. Why can’t I end this?? Do you know why… Because I know I’ll regret it after I do it & he won’t fight for me.

I think one thing that I don’t ever think of, that he doesn’t get spare time on his own, free from the kids, work, her & me. If he’s not at work, he’s at home with the kids or her. When he’s at work, he is messaging me. When he is home with the kids & working on his Facebook but she is at work, he is messaging me. He himself has said ‘I want to see you as much as I can’ & ‘I want to talk to you as much as I can’ but Phoenix leaves my house & sends about half a dozen messages before I get nothing else from him, no good bye, but he comes back online later to share a picture of him saying he had a shower & he is gone again with no goodbye. He was at my house for less than one hour today. No real cuddling, no reassurance, no connection. He left & because of his lack of messaging after, I just feel like it’s back to how it was before he started reading my blog & started v2.0.

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10 July 2025 – We barely text anything, then chat on the phone for his break He sends me a picture of the beach as he is there with the kids, I ask if it reminds him of our walk at the beach, he says a little but he wasn’t going to say but I say that is the shit I need from him, some fucking reassurance, he asks if I need to know when he thinks of me & I say no, don’t worry about it & I say goodnight around lunchtime.

He keeps sporadically messaging which I hate that I reply, we talk about the weight loss study & I say I may need to pull out because of the schedule, which I think they should give you upfront. He’s barely listening to me & says goodnight. I say goodnight with “xxx” & I get nothing like that from him, so I edit the message & remove the kisses so it just says “night“He asks why I edited. But ignore his question.

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11 July 2025 – It’s my last day at my shitty HR job, I am so excited. I had bought them all a gift of a mini twirl, a mini bag of cheezels, a mini cake of coke no sugar, & a little gem thing from Shien with my signature little critter on it, which are a few of my favourite things. He says that its cute they got me something, but they didn’t. He sends me a snap of the cinnamon bun oreos & says they have them at his store, they have been deleted & I am devastated, they were sooooo good. But probably why I put on 13 kgs!

He calls me for his break & I also suggest he calls when he is driving home too, which he does… I know it’s Friday & he won’t talk to me tonight after he gets home at lunchtime, they will have sex & he will forget he has a girlfriend as his dick is happy.

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12 July 2025 – Last night Phoenix comes back online, he is messaging then I see him typing, but never get a message. I wait 10 minutes. Nothing. I wait 15 minutes. Nothing. I put my phone down & snuggle down for sleep. Another 10 minutes & my watch goes off that he’s typing. I don’t look at it. I am going to just have to ignore him from now on when he comes back online at night – which is hardly ever anyway. I sleep like shit being a stubborn bitch & not looking at his message. In the morning, I half think that he will sneak in my house – I love him having a key but I hate that I am always trying to predict if he’ll ever sneak in again, but I check his message from 10:40pm, but he deleted it. What the actual fuck? Nothing else, no good night, no response to my message. I am pissed off. I literally mean so little to him now.

Even today, it’s Saturday, Phoenix has the day off, I am lucky if I even get a message per hour, while she is at work. So much for wanting to talk to me all the time… I have even look at his Facebook page to see how long ago he posted, I don’t know why because those two things are not linked. He will post on there no matter if he is talking to me or not, if she’s home or not. He’s allowed on there – so I tell myself I am just looking at the nostalgia posts & enjoying them & his sense of humour, which is true, but really, I know he is on his computer & could open up snapchat on the web to message me, like he has done so many times before, but he doesn’t.

He says that we should catch up for breakfast or lunch tomorrow, he might be seedy because he’s got a work party tonight. Little Miss A is going, which I haven’t stopped hearing about that fact… I just say see how you feel, he says “I feel asleep last night but dreamt I was messaging while I was messaging you haha” & I am too pissed to believe his bullshit, what a fucking liar! He has to delete snapchat, so bull-fucking-shit that he just falls asleep while typing a message & then was able to miraculously delete the message he wrote. Yeah okay, “Fell asleep while messaging, deleted the message & then uninstalled the app – fuck, I knew you were talented, but that’s next level. Well done baby!” I am being a smart ass & I know there is going to bullshit excuse “Na I messaged you. Well dreamt I did. When woke up. Then said goodnight but you didn’t reply for half a hour , but I deleted that because I woke up again. Then did all that went to sleep after I wait like half a hour again” If that’s true, why didn’t he try to talk to me, rather than just deleting his apparent good night message & then not speaking again?!

I am barely getting anything from him today, so at around 2:00pm, I eventually say have a good night as he is going out & he asks if I am not talking to him, I say that we are talking, he says, “I see” & then never looks at my message that says “Not like you’re Mr chatty… What do you want me to say??” I fucking hate that he ALWAYS holds all the cards. He just logs off & never looks at what I have to say so why did I bother & why does he bother asking if I’m talking to him if he’s just going to fucking log off a second later. He knows I’m pissed off so his response to me being pissed off is for him to be more pissed than me.

Five hours later, I don’t even know what to say anymore or what to do at this point. Should I end it? I just want to cry but of course I can’t. I’ve been feeling the distance for about two months now. I know we talk every day on the phone but it’s a 30 minute phone call with very sporadic messages. He thinks it’s enough & that I am just being a typical needy girl, I don’t agree, fuck he’s supposed to be my boyfriend, I want to feel connected, wanted & appreciated – I feel nothing. He’s started messaging later & later in the mornings – even though I know he’s up & been up for hours. He stops messaging earlier & earlier, even though he said he didn’t want to do that. He pulled away as I stuggle to keep the connection, so it’s just a fucking circle that I don’t see ending in any other way, but him cutting me off more & more that I end up ending it without any fight from him what-so-ever. It’ll probably be a relief for him anyway.

Six hours later – while he is out drinking he says “I dunno.” He also sends a picture of himself out for his work thing, I bet he sends it while Little Miss A is in the toilet. I say, “Go enjoy your night. You didn’t talk all day while home, now want to chat while out & drunk.. 🤣” He 100% doesn’t even log on if he knows I am out. He says “I did talk. You did bit not talk.” I am not getting into this while he is drunk, I tell him to go have fun… He doesn’t read what I write – the classic Phoenix move, but sends me a message early hours of the morning telling me that he won a gift card for being the most drunk. I hope he fucked Little Miss A & his wife finds out.

#IBD4U

July 2025 – Little Miss A

06 July 2025 – You bet I am so fucked off… What the fuck is wrong with him that he couldn’t tell me that they all had the day off & he wouldn’t be online? But honestly what the fuck is wrong with me so still putting up with this fucking cruel move that he constantly does no matter how much I tell him how much it hurts & he just doesn’t give two fucks. He is just cruel, heartless & callous. “Good morning. How was your Saturday, miss me much ? I had a busy day out with the family, taking the kids out the house while there on school holidays.” How hard was that to tell me the night before when he was chatting to me? Or yesterday morning before he just logged off in the morning?! Surely if they went out, his wife & him would of had showers, toilet, getting dressed to go out & he could have quickly messaged. OH FUCK. I forgot, he had told me before he doesn’t take his phone in the shower anymore & recently, he’s alluded to the fact they shower together so that’s why he can’t message when he’s in there… Fuck, I don’t want to think about that. But he has told me she takes forever to get ready when they go out, so surely he would have time to say to me he’s going out all day?! Even in his good morning message… Nope apparently, I mean so little to him that he can’t do the ONE FUCKING THING I ask of him! I wish I could do the one thing he asks me not too, tell his wife!

I say glad you had a good day & he asks how my weekend has been & if I am coming to see him today – did I even know you were at work fuckwit?! I just say “Probably won’t have time if yoy don’t know what time your break is.” He says that it’ll be in half an hour & I say “ok.” I do not get up & rush around to make it to his work like I normally would. He doesn’t do it for me, so why do I keep doing it?! Especially after yesterday. He obviously sees on my snap maps that I am at home & that I have not gone to his work so he calls me. I am so upset & destroyed, that he just thinks I am angry & being moody because I have my period. Good one dickhead.

One thing that I haven’t delved into yet is this chick at Phoenix’s work who is 21 or 22 years old, skinny & hot. He tells me that there are rumours going around his work that they are into each other. He literally brings her up with me so much in our phone calls, that I say that he is going to end up fucking her, that I ask him to end it with me before he does. He says that he doesn’t want to fuck her & that he doesn’t want to end it with me – at least he added in the last bit. He had said on Wednesday about my bosses’ weird shit, one resigning & the other being on extended leave, “This is another reason why I would never try to have an affair with someone I work with.” But I’m sure if he could, there is no doubt in my mind that he would ‘fuck her in a heartbeat’.

It makes me super jealous & probably what is contributing to my mood when he logs off & doesn’t talk to me, that I almost start calling her his girlfriend, but I know that’s something his wife would call her if she knew about her & I don’t want to be that possessive, so I give her a Little Miss nickname because he won’t – weirdly – tell me her name. He doesn’t need to try to make me jealous, I am already jealous of his life, his wife, his kids, his fucking Facebook page – they all get more condiserarion than I do. Hell, I was even jealous of the chick he was going to do a podcast with… I just wish this chick wasn’t flaunting it in front of my boyfriend, who knows he is married. I already have enough competition fighting for his time over his wife, kids, work, sleep, Facebook, mowing the lawn, so I don’t need another chick to fight for his time too. I have started calling her LMA for her Little Miss A pseudonym that I gave her, & Phoenix has started doing the same… I hate it cos the initials thing is ours… Not that we do it very often because we barely say hello or goodbye anymore…

He tries my tactic when I dont talk much, to talk about sex cos like I said, it’s the only thing that we don’t get angry about – usually. He says “IBD4U sucks dick good.” But I say that he’ll never feel it again. “Pfft. You’ll want my cock in you. And you can’t help sucking because you love the noises I make and the feeling of me getting hard in your mouth.” I say that he has others for that & he says that I do it best, “The chick at work might be better… 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he says, that she’s not sucking  his dick, I say “Yet.” He would do it, they have great banter apparently, so don’t bullshit me that I am the best when you would fuck her if you could, “Haha you think she would want too? Well im heading off line, chat later x” I tell him to ask her & see,  but he says, “Na probally get done for sexual harassment. Well goodnight for tonight then.” I don’t reply. As if he asks that when logging off, fucking cunt.

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07 July 2025 – When I’ve been writing, I forgot about Little Miss A because there isn’t a lot of text chat about her, it’s all verbal chat in our phone calls & fuck does he go on about her… I can even tell when they are on shift together because he messages me less, if that’s even possible at this point. Just another thing I have to complete with, another thing for me to be feel insignificant, his descriptive words about her are ‘skinny & hot’ while I feel so fucking fat at the moment. The weight loss study is due to start but with my new job, I am not sure I can commit to the days that they need you to be at the clinic, so I have wasted the last month doing all the screening crap when I could have just paid for some injection.

After some cordial good mornings, I tell him that the team now knows I have resigned. He asked how they took it & I say that were sad but not surprised, I think they are more pissed off that they aren’t replacing my role. I mean I work hard & so do the girls but there is so much that is not really needed to be done, so maybe they are going to review processes.

He calls me & I’m sure that he says something about my mood & Little Miss A, paired with the way he treated me on the weekend, that I am just not in the mood to be nice to him or make it easy for him to chat to me. I wait for him to get more stubborn & more pissed off, which is coming but he says, “You done with the sass now?” No, Phoenix, I am not, “No, cos what have you done – not sexual – to make me not be sassy??? Nothing. Besides say ‘I can’t chat to you all the time’ I never fucking asked you too… All I have ever asked of you, if you really reflect on 8 years with me, is for you to communicate when you are going offline…” I’ll give him credit, he tries to lighten the mood, “I’ll take you feedback on board and try and improve my communication.” I say sarcastically, “Like you’re even capable of that.” I’ve said this over & over. He says that he is capable of things, but I know he is home so I say, “Well you’re home now, so incapable of chatting. So speak tomorrow.” & he tries his funny reply “Your feedback is important to Phoenix. We will make sure to pass it onto the relevant parts of his brain.” & I just say goodnight. It is about 12:00pm on a Monday, when he can talk at night because she’s at work, but I can’t keep doing this to myself.

He says that he doesn’t need to go & so I say his usual shit that he says to me, “Good night, you need sleep & can’t chat to me 24/7.” But he says that he can chat to me tonight, “Stop being a fuckwit fuckfish.” I hate that fuckfish makes me smile, but I say, “I’m not… 🤷🏼‍♀️ You can’t chat 24/7 & are an old man. You need sleep. & to mow your lawns before the sun goes down. You have a busy life. You cannot give me all of your attention.” I give him all his excuses so he doesn’t need to give them to me, because I don’t look at any of his messages, he keeps sending me stupid shit that other men send when they’re chatting to themselves in my inbox, “I can’t. But I don’t need to know mow my lawns today because my bin day is today. So you like stuff. I’m a kinky master. You would look hot tied up. Want to see my cock? I bet you would enjoy being spanked. I also like long walks along the beach? What are your interests ? Where in Adelaide you from? Do you mind if the guy is a little younger than you? I would eat your pussy out for hours , can I eat your pussy ?” When in finally look, I smirk, but I can play this game, “Sorry, I can’t chat to you 24/7, I’m very busy. I have kids & a wife, I can’t be messaging you all the time. I work & am an influencer plus I do all the housework & mow the lawns. I also need 12 hours of sleep a night.” This is just stupid but I am not letting this go, he says, “Wow you sound like a busy person How do you even find the time to chat to me !” Oh yeah so busy, “I chat to you as much as I can. I just don’t care how you feel when I don’t chat or communicate about what I’m doing & why I’m offline.” He says that he chats to me more that any one, I think this is such an odd thing he keeps saying, I’m his fucking girlfriend, he should chat to me the most! The more annoyed I get the longer he takes to reply to each message, even though he is home alone, that I just crack it “Urgh, you’ll never get it. What is the point. You’re clearly too busy – said earlier you’re free to chat tonight, why do I even bother???” He says he does get it but I log off & don’t reply.

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08 July 2025 – He asks if I am talking to him but I ask the same back, it’s not me that’s not talking. When he calls for his lunch we just fight about it, I don’t know what to do at this point, “Honestly, what do you suggest I do?? Just be ok with the fact you just log off whenever you want & I have no way of knowing if you’re alive???” but he says that he’s alive. I get home early & he calls me again but our conversations are the same… Me being pissed off & him just saying he can’t chat to me all the time. This conversation he says multiple times ‘do what you need to do’ that when we hang up, I ask “You keep saying ‘do what you need to do’ – do you just want to end this?? Is that what you keep alluding too…” Does he want me to end it? Does he want to end it? Does he want to go back to just being fuck buddies?! Why did he say he missed me so much if he doesn’t even want to talk to me now? “Your feedback is important to us. Thank you for signing up for the boyfriend experience package, on a scale of one to ten, how would your rate your experience with Phoenix.  I mean get angry not end it…” I get that he is trying to make jokes & lighten the mood, “My experience as a boyfriend = 0. My experience as a lover = 10” He thinks he should be at least a 4. “I get that this is hard… But when I don’t talk to you, you don’t care cos you’re fucking your wife or with your kids… So you don’t care that your girlfriend isn’t contacting you… I don’t have another life I lead, regardless of work or having kids of my own… So my life is about my boyfeiend – who I want to talk to & share shit with & not just be an after thought after he’s mowed the lawns & everyone is in bed.” I can’t remember which phone conversation he told me but he’d basically chosen mowing the lawns one night over messaging me – don’t you all remember when he mowed the lawns & chatted to me, even sending a selfie?! Now, somehow it’s impossible… I love coming second to mowing the fucking lawns!

We talk about my blog being re-published “Mind you I do think you put your blog back up because you secretly love knowing your on my mind. That Im thinking of you or reading about you but not always showing you. Loser.” I tell him what I have been thinking, “Well when you were reading, you talked to me more… And were sweeter to me.” He ignores that & says, “I’ve been reading it again. 😛  I was also a cunt often to you 🤷‍♂️” Yes, you were Phoenix & you are the biggest cunt to me now, more than anything mean you’ve ever said to me…

#IBD4U

July 2025 – #ManifestingGoodThings

02 July 2025 – I decide to manifest good things today, I am sick of being in a foul mood every morning when he hasn’t messaged me enough… “Morning baby cakes. Today is gonna be a good day! I’m gonna get my offer… I am going to be super happy with it. I am going to resign from shitty job. My boyfriend is going to come see me for lunch & not whinge about the drive. #ManifestingGoodThings.” He asks if he can whinge a little & I say not about things that will piss me off.

I look good, I feel good, I am going to see my boyfriend today, we are going to be in a good mood without talking about sex, I am going to get an epic offer for this job & resign from this shitty HR job. I haven’t mentioned to you but there is something going on with our bosses. So the our boss the HR Manager & her boss are so weird together, like creepy affair weird… Clearly I am not judging if they are having an affair because I could care less, but we went out of lunch one day & my boss passed her boss French fries all lunch, across me… One fry at a time. Why didn’t he just order his own fucking lunch?! They were so weird together but he’s been off for an extended period & has now ‘resigned’ which is so fucking weird, & now she’s off on extended leave… WTF has happened…? They are part of the reason I am leaving this shitty job, they have no idea about employment law if it came up & bit them on the ass!

Before Phoenix meets me for lunch, I get an email saying that they ‘we’ll send your offer through today. Looking forward to working with you.’ Which I tell Phoenix is a waste of a email but at least I know it’s coming & I hope they send it while he is with me so we can discuss the amount… I know that it’s more than what he earns at his normal job but if you combine his social media money, he earns more than I do now… He’s also used to his wife being the main bread winner so he won’t be bothered too much with that conversation, I hope…

We meet & go to a café & order lunch, I am so excited that I sit there smiling, looking at my phone more than usual in the hopes I get my letter of offer when we’re together because I know after this I will only get half a dozen mesaages… He even mentions during lunch that I look so happy… I am. I am so scared about taking another job when I was fired from the last two, I am so scared about my relationship with Phoenix changing & being more strained than it is. I am scared because they haven’t decided on the job title & I am scared because it’s so far away from home. There are so many pros & cons that I just don’t know what to do… What’s strikingly interesting is that Phoenix, who is Mr conservative with changing jobs & often says stuff about it being good pay for not a lot & it’s not too far from home, so it’s weird to me now when I look back at these conversations, because he really pushed me to take this new job… Does he think that if I have a longer commute & a busier job that I am happier in, would I be less focused on our dwindling relationship?

We walk back to his car, I won’t let this good mood go, we are kissing in the car park & he whispers things in my ear, which make me wet. But we have our very last sexless date at my work… EVER… I call him without warning when I get my letter of offer, to tell him the job title, the conditions & renumeration. He seems genuinely happy for me or like I said before, is it more for selfish reasons being that I will be more preoccupied in this job to worry about what he is doing?! I now still have to wait for the contract before I can resign! OMG this process is a little insane… Why didn’t they send the contract with the letter of offer?!

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03 July 2025 – I am wide awake! I am overthinking… For a change, it’s not about Phoenix. They told me from the start that the job title was up for negotiation, but from there we hadn’t really discussed it, I was thinking it was going to be a senior management role from what they have described, but when the job title on the letter of offer says officer, I am taken aback. While it does say senior, it’s weird that it’s a officer not a manager… They didn’t advertise this role & while they said at one point that they did interview a few people, I am certain that I was the only one. They talked about the team reporting to me, but there are no direct reports on the contract. They explained that I would have the freedom to implement changes etc but the role title doesn’t imply that, as an officer… Phoenix just thinks that they have called the job this so they don’t have to pay me as much, which is also what the job I had where I met Trainer did. They advertised for one role, saw I had experience with another & so they employed me into two conflicting roles – one basically in sales & one in operations, one manager saying get the sale & the other manager saying we can’t fulfill that sale… What was I do to? So I am worried again about vague job descriptions, telling me one thing but giving me a job title that doesn’t support that… I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much! He says “Stop stressing over the title. At the end of the day if you don’t take this job you’ll regret it.” Or is it, that he’ll regret it because I am stuck in a job that allows me to focus on him?

After we have our lunch time chat, which if I am honest was all about my job offer, I say to him, “I just want to say also, thank you Phoenix, for being so supportive of this job change… I think you’re being supportive, purely for your own benefit but thank you because it feels genuine & honest.” While I think he’s reasons are purely for selfish reasons, I don’t think I would have taken the job if I was doing this on my own, talking it out with him has been helpful to give me some more confidence that I am worthy of a senior role.

He tells me that he’s been listening to my blog while he’s painting the house, though he just knocked the bucket of paint over & so spent ages cleaning it up. I ask how he’s listening to it & he gets google to read it out, which I reckon AI would be so weird to listen to it because it wouldn’t get my sense of humour & put the emphasis on the right words… He says that he does use a woman with an Aussie accent to read it but he was also listening at work too. I listen too & it’s quite hilarious when AI says dude or fuckwit, like I would say it so different if I did it like an audio book.

When he comes back online that night, it’s only because he has something he wants to share with me, that clearly his wife wouldn’t give a fuck about. He says that on his blog he got approved for Ads. I had said unless he’s posting, surely he wouldn’t get paid ads but he did… I am proud of him but of course jealous my blog hasn’t ever made me a cent. He’s been posting a ‘where are they now’ series on his Facebook page, I suggest that he puts them all into one post & bam he has a blog. He says that he clicked a link in the toilet & he saw that he had been approved for ads, I say “Bahaha… That’s so cute… And so visual. Love thinking of you taking a shit.” He says that he doesn’t normally look at his phone for his Facebook page – which is bullshit because he looks all the time when at my house & every fucking human plays with their phone on the toilet. He has said he doesn’t play with his phone much at home because that was what use used to cheat, so he doesn’t use it so it doesn’t cause suspicion. I still call bullshit…

Of course because I had been up all night over thinking, I went to sleep early & what do you know, it was a night that Phoenix was awake… I just don’t know how much I believe this bullshit anymore… Every time I go to sleep early – which is not very often, he is always available to chat, & months ago, he would come back online & chat but now he falls asleep at times that he was chatting to me. I just feel like he’s more interested in his Facebook page & so he forgets to come back online as he’s not invested in my blog anymore. I genuinely thinks he forgets me, not that he is so tired. He has had five years of coming online once or twice a month, he was obsessed with my blog & so I was in the forefront of his mind. Now his Facebook money is less, he’s having to think of other ways for it to make money, which he is hyper focusing on, meaning that he is not thinking about me & then sometimes remembers when he wakes up…

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04 July 2025 – The worst has happened… I fucking cannot find my bracelet. I haven’t taken it off in 102 days! It is part of me… Did I have it on this morning?! I can’t remember. I dig through my lunch bag, my handbag but I can’t find it. The girls at work are really sweet & tell me to go check my car. I decide to wait until Phoenix has his break because he’ll call me as he finishes around 12:00pm & instead of saying to his wife that his shift is 12:30pm so he can call me when he does have a shift on a Friday, I have to try to find time around 9:00am – 9:30am so I don’t miss out on our call. God forbid Phoenix do anything out of the ordinary on his wife’s day off so I don’t have to go out of my way to fucking make sure we talk & connect on a Friday…

When he calls I go out to my car. I wasn’t going to tell him that I lost it, but it’s given me an excuse to get away from my desk. I do tell him & I tell him that I have googled buying another one, which they are on sale for $150. He tells me that is was $300 – which is was not because it says that it was $250 & now on special for $150. But anyway, I don’t want a new one, I want the one he gave me, I don’t care how much it cost, it has sentimental value to me… The cost is irrelevant. I search my car & I cannot find it. FUCK. I am devastated… He says that it’s probably at home, the girls at work say the same… But I am so fucking heart broken that it might be gone…

He signs off & I send him a snapchat of my resignation letter to my pseudo boss (as mine is still on weird unexplained leave) after having a conversation with her, she asks me not to tell the team. So I don’t… Which is so hard, Phoenix is offline & I just want him to know & I can’t share the news with the team… FUCK, there is no one to celebrate with.

When I get home, I look everywhere but can’t find the bracelet on the floor, I pull back my bedsheet & squeal, there it is! He’s not online but I send him snapchat saying that I found it & I’ve never been happier. This picture also marks the 100th day of snapchat streak – though we have been sending them longer the count is not really correct when you restore it. Anyway, he says when he comes back that he knew it would be in my bed. We talk about my contract too & I show him the position description where it says my role needs a masters degree & seven years of experience in the role, two things I do not have, he laughs. He then tries to diagnose me with anxiety instead of ADHD & says he doesn’t overthink… UM… Is he joking?! He analysed my fucking blog in graphic detail! Then suddenly, mid conversation, he is logging off saying, “Stop over thinking your contract. Im off to sleep. Goodnight xx.”

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05 July 2025 – I wake up to a good morning message, I write back morning & he never reads it. FUCKING ASSHOLE! Around 9:30pm he comes back online & asks how my day was & says it’s good to see I got my Lite & Easy delivery – which I posted on my story. He sends a picture of his face saying goodnight when I don’t even click on his messages. Get fucked.

#IBD4U

June & July 2025 – Sex sells

30 June 2025 – In the morning he asks why I said goodbye. Then he starts to freak out a little & says “oi” & then “Helloooooooo” I then write morning, but an hour later I have no reply that I wish I never fucking bothered. Why oh why do I always have to be the fucking fool!!! He starts talking about sex because, do you know what, that’s the only part of us that works… It’s the only part that I don’t have to question. It’s the part that we both feel the same about. He does not know how to be a boyfriend or even partner… When I think about it, he doesn’t even know how to be a friend…

I can’t remember when he actually gave it to me, but when he first made tuna mornay for his kids & they loved it, I said that he should make me some. The next time he made it, he added peas & froze a serve for me. It’s been in my freezer mocking me, so this morning I take it out & I’m having it for lunch today, I need to get everything out of my fridge or freezer that remind me of him… Once the Pepsi is gone – if he ever gets to drink it all, I am not buying anymore… (& spoiler alert, to my actual surprise I never bought it again! Usually I say I won’t, but do, cos I’m an idiot!)

We talk on the phone & I for some reason send him the start of my blog. Again like I said the other day, I think it’s because at least when he was reading it, he was chatting to me from 4:30am until 6:00pm then coming back around 8:00pm – 8:30pm till pumpkin o’clock which was 10:30pm. So maybe if he’s reading it again he’ll talk to me more… I send him a video of who will be my new boss, a video I watched of her that was the reason I decided to accept the job, she seems no bullshit, just get the job done type. When he watches it he says “I don’t know why, but I think you would get along with her.” Which is what I thought too, so it’s good to know my supposed best friend can see that too.

I send him a meme that is todays heart, maybe it’ll help explain what I feel? He says, “Maybe you are more mental than I thought … I’m truly sorry I set the bar so high when I started chatting to you and I am genuinely trying to make an effort to message you and ring you. Even if it’s not as much as you like. I hate that it makes you angry at me all the time I had no reason to restart a proper friendship with you (which actually complicates things more ) you would be fucking me still at least once a month and still doing anything I want sexually. I just wanted my good friend back… Not just my sex buddy.” I am not mental, I am trying to understand the same, why did he restart this, he could of just put in a little more effort & chatted more without dating me & calling me his girlfriend. Also he doesn’t take out of that meme that I am reacting to the way he treats me?! “I fucking love our daily conversations… I’m sorry I get so annoyed I just hate that I can’t even get your attention so I just have to wait till you come online & look at your message when something good happens…. Or even if something bad was to happen…. I am glad you did… But it’s just hard cos when you want me, I’m there. Unless I am being stubborn & not replying. I see eveything you send me within minutes… You never have to wait for me to tell me anything…” & then I add when he says if he didn’t care we wouldn’t be still chatting after eight years, “Well that’s not true… Cos I could completely fuck up your life, so you could just be scared of me so don’t want to end it… 🤷🏼‍♀️” Maybe he is just putting in effort now because he knows about the blog & he knows I have everything saved, that I could blackmail him easily? “I could of never put myself in this situation and not let you fuck up my life. And never chatted tto you or fucked you again. I genuinely fucking care about you. If you don’t sense that on our date days. Well fuck you then 🤷‍♂️  I’m just going to use for sex 😛 Just strict meet ups. Sex only. You can cry about your life for 5 minutes after I’ve cum. And I go.” As usual, he has to be more pissed than me, “Why you being a dick… I literally look at the pic I have as phone screen saver everyday & can feel your arm around my hip when I look at it… I don’t want to accept this job because of how it’ll change things for us… How far it is…. I am excited about the role & working with the owner…” He reassures me that “We will make it work for us…” Will we? I am just not sure he can make it work… “Even if it’s a tough 3 months. Once you have settled and can from home every few weeks. How far is it from my house? Maybe I could even visit you for lunch. I would do it if I needed too. Every now and then. You would be worth it.” But him adding ‘if I need too’ tells me every thing I need to know, he will never come to my new work… I am certain of that. & I really don’t want him to come & make me feel like shit for his sacrifice. He says, “I’m not going to do it weekly but yeah. I want you to be successful in your career. We have made it this long with all your job changes.. Also sometimes you’ll just get so horny you’ll think with your cunt 🤷‍♂️ And work something out around work 😛  We will make it woerk.” Again is he trying to convince himself or me?!

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1 July 2025 – The next morning, our conversation goes like this, him “Good morning. You get the offer yet ?”, me “No”, him “Hopefully it comes through this morning.” Me “🤞🏻” Him “You a woman of few words today ?”, me “Yep.” Him “Usually your an over sharer fuck fish. You going to ring me today?” me “Got nothing to overshare…” He then calls me & when he hangs up he says, “miss cranky pants.”

He then posts a picture of our bitmojis hugging, that he captions ‘awww’ & he also tags my snapchat. I ask if he meant to post to his story & he says “Nope, but now every girl im chatting up on snapchat on Facebook knows I have a gf called IBD4U.” I didn’t notice it at the time, but now that I am reviewing this post ready to share on my blog, I realise that he said ‘on snapchat on Facebook’ this is his fake snapchat account, so does he mean that he has been sharing this fake snapchat on a Facebook group or he gives it out to women who chat to him from his Facebook page? No wonder he doesn’t have time for his moody girlfriend when he’s got all these women to chat up on snapchat. He better not ever give me shit again for chatting to other men, ever!

Again though, the only thing that keeps the conversation flowing & without one of getting pissed off is sex.. They say sex sells right, so it’s what keeps us active & happy… So when he asks to come meet me for lunch tomorrow I tell him that he shouldn’t come to my work anymore, I don’t want to have a good lunch followed with feeling like shit because he had to drive so far… I mean this guys has to dive 40 minutes to my work now & he’s saying he will come to my new work?! He’s fucking dreaming! He says he’s just a complainer, which I say I am too but he says I never used to be this bad… “Because when we were chatting, you never took more than a few hours when awake to write back. When the dynamic was whenever, monthly etc, I didn’t care…. You’re my boyfriend & take 18 hours to reply & think it’s 18 mins….” He says he knows it isn’t 18 minutes. I mean his time scale is always off, he probably thinks this has been three weeks not three months. “I feel like I message you more than any man that has ever dated you tho 🤷‍♂️” Shouldn’t your boyfriend message you more than anyone else?! “No man has ever loved me or called me their girlfriend before either… Well I have been called girlfriend I guess.. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to not be pissed. You started out messaging me all the time & at night. Now you’re like, well the honeymoon is over, I got her where I want her, so don’t need to make an effort… Our sex life is exciting & surprising & passionate because we make an effort to make it that way… We need to do the same with our communication.” He says that when we’re not fighting it’s good & he has a job he has to get up early for, so says goodnight.

When he’s gone I send my Phoenix style rant “We fight because different things bother us. You never stop going on about petrol, or car servicing or rego because you usually only drive 10 mins… So you make me feel bad, whereas I would drive 20 mins to see you for 30 mins & not even think about it…. But I care that I don’t get to talk to you pretty much from 5:30 every night till I wake up & you don’t care because you are with your family that it doesn’t cross your mind that it sucks for me. As much as you think you’re trying not to piss me off, I am trying not to be pissed off… And if we’re honest about it, I’m only pissed till we talk on the phone at lunch… Which has become my favourite part of my day… & going into a new job, it’ll be easier to set the precedent that I go for walks & talk on the phone at lunch… However the team is 3 men, so don’t think anyone will be that keen to have lunch anyway. I just hate that unless I text you, I have no way to get your attention, until you log back on to whatever app we chat on… Its always been that way & I know that… But I hate that as my boyfriend, I can’t get in contact with you, ever.” He says that it doesn’t bother him to come to my work & I am overthinking his whining. I try to explain, but I probably shouldn’t bother “It bothers me because I have been single forever, I am not used to someone going out of their way to want to see me – I feel so special & excited… And then when they do nothing but bitch about it, I feel so bad for making you do it. & then wish I didn’t want you to make the time because it seems like you’re just doing it cos you have too…”

He says that it’s like I sometimes look for reasons for me to believe he doesn’t care. Maybe I do, which pushes him away & then it will prove me right – self sabotage I guess… “Easier to push you away, than believe you actually love me. It makes more sense for you not to love me tbh… 🤷🏼‍♀️” But he thinks that it’s been too long to think like that, “Fuck you would think after all this time. 8 years of knowing me. You wouldn’t be that way. Especially knowing you would let me just use you just for sex .. Which may I add…you did.” But things have changed, “Because until 3 months ago… As much as we were best friends at certian points & we were more than just sex…. Probably 80% of our relationship has been just sex & sporadic messages….  I will look for reasons why I’m unlovable… Could be part of why my eating is out of control… When I was fat, I could say of course no one loves me, I’m fat…. Then I lost weight & still no one loved me… I always look for ways to just justify why I am the way I am. And sex is all guys have ever wanted from me… So that was easy.” Fuck I am being too open, too vulnerable. Maybe this is part of my problem, I am pushing him away because then I can say he did exactly what I expected… But he has told me that he won’t let me slip through his fingers, he wants me in his life… So why isn’t he making me feel like that is true?!

#IBD4U

June 2025 – Job Offer

25 June 2025 – There were plans for him to come over today but because I saw him yesterday I assume I won’t see him but that hasn’t stopped me from making him a cookie pie again & planned to make us burgers for lunch. But of course, he waits till I ask if he is coming before he says that he was asked to work later yesterday & he said no because he was seeing me, but they asked again today so he’s going to stay at work. That’s fine, but I wish he would just fucking tell me his plans rather than waiting till I ask & so then I feel like a wanker & end up eating a whole cookie pie again!

He tells me about a website that has contacted him for advertising, I tell him to get them to send him a PR package & he can do an unboxing video & take pictures with the merchandise, those videos are really big on TikTok, especially if he starts going down the reels road, which he said he was going to do, but hasn’t really.

He calls me at lunch & I find out that the job I had an interview for are doing referee checks on me, which is a positive. He asks if I will take it & I say that it’ll change things for us & I am also scared. “You haven’t been scared in thr past. We will still make things work.” Yeah I know but I took risks before & was fired three times, twice in a 12 month period which destroyed any confidence I thought I had. He says that will make things work? Things are already strained & I work 20 mins from home… This job is at least an hour away from me – an extra 30 mins from him at least, no doubt he won’t ever come to see me at work ever again & if he did I would hear all about how much effort it is. He seems a bit pissed or something because he says goodbye, I ask if he is annoyed about it, “No not annoying att all! Proud of you. We will make it work.” That’s twice, is he trying to convince me, or himself?

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26 June 2025 – OMG so he actually tells me that his wife is home sick (her other favourite day to call in sick, a Thursday – because she has Friday’s off) & he might disappear for periods of time today… FUCK, he’s actually giving me a heads up to what his availability is… Jeez! Wonders will never cease! He does say that he will call when he goes to get his click & collect…

He’s out getting a hair cut & going to his favourite restaurant near my house, he calls as he is doing his errands. I don’t know why I let it bother me, but I think because I get such limited time with him that him going through checkouts while talking to me just bugs me today. I think because he doesn’t tell me, I am mid conversation when he is talking to them… Is he even listening to me? What’s the point of these calls if he is distracted? I don’t expect his undivided attention, I have never had that in any scenario ever, even when we have sex, I don’t doubt he is only thinking of me. He gets home & says that he’ll chat later. But he doesn’t… What a surprise.

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27 June 2025 – He sends me a picture that is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever sent me for something so industrial. Let me explain, he is at work, he has taken a picture of a pallet (hahaha yes a pallet!) of cheezels, but the caption is the sweetest part ‘Everything reminds me of her.’ Awwww fuck!

I have engaged in a weight loss study, where you can get the weight loss drugs, not released yet, for free, but you have to go through a million tests, the problem is that they are so fucking slow that it’s lunchtime before I even leave. So I almost miss calling him because I have just gotten to work. But we talk on the phone for our usual lunchtime call.

After he says that he forgot to tell me that Wendy’s ice cream have contacted him too for a collab too, which I say is amazing. I tell him to get them to send a merch pack as well, but he says they can’t send ice cream. Well no but surely they have fucking t shirts or other merch?!

I walk over to the shop & say that he can call me on his way home, which he does. We say good bye on the phone for the afternoon. But when I get back to the office, I get a phone call from the recruiter, that I got the job! She asks what I would want for remuneration & says that I will have a letter of offer Monday. I send him a snap, but of course, he doesn’t come online tonight. “I wish you were online… 😔 You’re the only one I want to tell… I’m sad you don’t know. 😔” It’s when I am grossly aware of our situation & how little he gives me.

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28 June 2025 – He says congratulations & he fell asleep at 10:00pm last night… Er, 10:00pm? & you couldn’t come back online? He was coming back online at 8:30pm – 9:00pm after a nap, making himself wake up to come back online to chat to me, now he’s falling asleep at the time he used to fall asleep while chatting to me only 30 minutes before what I call pumpkin o’clock & he couldn’t chat!? His wife was sick the day before so assuming she was in bed early?! Fuck this guy is just a cockhead! But you know who is a bigger cockhead? ME! For being in this, for allowing this, how much longer can I listen to this bullshit?

The recruiter called me a unicorn, so I say that I may have room for negotiation for more money, he says, “You wish you were a unicorn with me and another bloke.” But I say that I don’t want that, he knows that too, he says that I would love it, “Nah, you knew it was my #2 fantasy but you did it with someone else then rubbed in my face, over & over.” He says he didn’t do it on purpose, what do my fantasy or rub it in my face?! Cos both were on fucking purpose! A threesome isn’t an accident & texting me all about it is certainly not an accident… He doesn’t ask me what my #1 fantasy is…

He asks if I am bringing him food today but yesterday he said ‘I guess I have to see you’ but he also hadn’t really planned even though I told him I moved my clients so I could see him, but I assumed that we were getting lunch he says that he doesn’t want to spend any money, oh ok, so I’ll just spend the money making lunches when he knows I don’t fucking cook or eat that much. My food bill has doubled since I started making his lunches. Not that it’s about money for me, obviously, but he seems to remind me all the time how much everything costs.

I pick him up & we go to the 4WD shop for me to buy a car fridge. I absolutely love shopping & doing mundane errands with him. He doesn’t get it, he won’t ever get it, he’s had someone to do errands with for almost as long as I have been single so I can see that doing errands on his own would be a novelty, but for me doing them with him, is the best. Afterwards we head back close to his work & we look for some geocaches. I genuinely don’t know how to have a sex less date, so I suck his dick a little when we can’t find the last one. Then I drop him back at his car. I can’t remember why but after we have hung out for a couple of hours he calls me.

Later that night I am out with my nieces & family for the Beauty & the Beast stage show. I look good & feel good that I send him a couple of pictures. It’s only 5:30pm & he hasn’t said goodbye, I am a wine down so I am feeling better. At 6:00pm he says, “Have fun. Looking cute!” I now have another wine in hand, I know he won’t chat to me because I am out… But he can fucking say goodbye, “I fucking love you Phoenix. & you are my best friend, boyfriend, lover, confidant & just all rounder. I want to tell you things first, I want you to tell me things first (even though it’s not possible) it’s not about missing you, it’s about wanting you..” I can’t remember if he reads it or not, I don’t think so, because either way there is no reply still at 10:30pm when I am now four or five wines down, that I say, “Yeah ignore that. Whatever. I don’t give a shit anymore.”

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29 June 2025 – I feel like a fool. It’s my own fault, I can’t blame him, I mean I keep putting myself out there thinking he is going to care & he just doesn’t. It is 100% on me. It’s not his fault I let my expectations get so high – that he set & he just can’t meet them… At 7:10am he messages after being up for at least two hours, “Omg. Don’t be like that. I did fall asleep early again. I’m really struggling staying up past 10. I love the fact you want me …” I don’t reply, so an hour later, he writes “I’m sorry I’m an old man that struggles to say up.” 10:00pm! His pumpkin o’clock was 10:30pm, so what happened to messaging around 8:30pm – 9:00pm like he was before?! A half an hour later, I say, “I’ll let you get your sleep then.” & I put my phone down. I am so sick of being told I am worth his time by his words but by his actions, it is clear that I am not worth his time at all.

He sends four messages over the next 40 minutes, just single short messages “Don’t be like that. IBD4U. You suck. Talk to me cranky pants” I ask what he wants me to say & he says he doesn’t know but not to get angry at him being an old man. But I’m not angry because he falls asleep – yeah you know at 10:00pm without saying goodnight – but he says, “My intention is to stay away and chat to you … I thought I would last night” I have heard this before… ‘I was planning on talking to you, but instead I wrote a pizza blog till midnight & then fucked my wife…’ He’s staying up till 10:00pm & can’t chat, so yeah I’m annoyed… “Yeah, you stay away cos you knew I was out & won’t talk to me. You don’t even say good night anymore, I am just not even a fucking thought in your head before you ‘fall’ so suddenly asleep. I call bullshit.” He wasn’t planning on chatting because he knew I was out. He says that ‘away was supposed to be awake’ & that I am in his head. But if I was in his head & he understands how it upsets me that he doesn’t even say goodbye, then he would come back & say goodbye. I am not in his head at all, he doesn’t care if he upsets me. He’s said some bullshit before about not having empathy & stuff, but it’s not about empathy. Only a month or two ago he was saying how much he cared for me & missed me, missed talking to me & missed seeing me. Literally talking to me so much that I knew in my heart that he couldn’t sustain that level, but I got addicted… Now he is just acting like Marvel again – just messaging when it’s time for sex. He tells me my brain is weird but I say, “My brain reads what you wrote. My brain does not believe you cannot stay awake long enough to type ‘Night’” he says he wanted to stay up to chat to me, “I didn’t realise I would have a boyfriend & still have to talk to myself.” I think I prefer being single. “You don’t talk to yourself. I love the fact you want to tell me everything. I don’t ignore for weeks like I use too!” You know it was easier when I knew what the deal was, I knew what I was getting, he would only come online when it was around the time to fuck, I got Phoenix spouting his love for me but will only give me his time when he feels like it. He says that he had to deal with some bullshit on his page with some D list celebrity & then he fell asleep… I didn’t realise that while dealing with social media, that he couldn’t type out n.i.g.h.t. You’re right Phoenix, you fall asleep before you can type such a epic message out to the person you love & don’t get to see that often.

It’s around midday so I say, “Well, I’ll leave you to deal with you thing & get some sleep.” He tells me not to be like that & talks all about this celebrity issue he’s had, I say it’s probably not even her & he says that it is. Sure whatever you think… He calls me & we talk, we same the same shit over & over, when we get off the phone he says, “Miss me Yett” I tell him to fuck off. At 3:00pm he says, “I ❤️ you.” But the heart reminds me that it’s what I used to do because I was too scared to say the word love because I didn’t want to let my guard down & because I still didn’t know what I was really feeling… It tells me he doesn’t love me, he just saying shit now to keep me from destroying his life. He says he’s going to head offline, at 5:30pm, but I don’t read it so ten minutes later he says goodnight. I write back at 7:30pm “Goodbye Phoenix.”

#IBD4U

June 2025 – Forrest Fuck

19 June 2025 – I wake up to see that he said yes that he did restore our snapstreak & he paid to do it too… I smile like a waker at that. Why was it so easy to let his guard down when he started this, after reading my blog, but now he he’s putting it back up? All he needs to do is show me that I mean something to him, rather than leaving me hanging for 18 hours for him to come back online…

He comes to my work for lunch, we go to the tavern & we sit opposite each other, I guess this is what happens with relationships after a while, you grow distant with each other… Didn’t think it would happen after only ten dates. I guess it has been eight years. I have booked an hour with him, so I have to work later to make up the time, the last 10 – 15 minutes of our date are at his car, he is worring about his rego & that he doesn’t have any money to pay but his car is unregistered & he normally only drives five minutes so he steals money out of his kids account to register his car & he just makes me feel like this is not worth it… I stand there while he plays with his phone transferring money around, thinking I have to work later for this?! We barely text as he is going offline between 3:00pm & 4:00pm everyday now, that I say to his ‘hopefully chat later‘ message, “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think you should come to my work anymore.”

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20 June 2025 – The next day, because of course he can’t come online at night anymore, he asks why in the morning. I mean does he really need to ask that?! “Because I walk away feeling shit. You remind me how far it is & that it’s your only day to do stuff & you use that time for me. You had no money but had to register your car making me feel even worse because you came down. I’d just prefer not to walk away feeling awful.” I’d just rather not bother. I tell him it’s not worth it & he says “It is worth it. Stop being fucking dumb. Haha I even had to fill up with petrol just to see you 😛  But so worth it. You have never asked me to see you at work … i do it myself … You are so worth 90k round trip ! Having a lunch date is worth it. I wanted to get outside and hold uou and give you a proper kiss before I left 😕 And decent hug. And you want to know the most fucked thing we when spend time together. Time goes so fast, a lunch date feels like 15 mins. A day s. Date feels like 2 hours …” I never complain that I drive 20 minutes each way for a strict 30 minute break with him– I may complain about other things, but not the drive to see him. I even take him fucking food that I’ve cooked & warmed up, wrapping it it an tea towel so it’s hot for him so he gets a yummy hot meal, I take snacks & drinks… I just get him bitching about rego or petrol or the car service, then the distance & time he doesn’t have – THEN DON’T FUCKING COME, I never asked for it & I don’t want to keep feeling like shit every fucking time he comes to my work! “But you are so worth it, let me come see you for lunch.”

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21 June 2025 – He hasn’t admitted that he isn’t working today, a Saturday until he tells me that his daughter has birthday parties today & they are all going to them, I say goodbye after waiting two hours from 8:10am for his reply, him disappearing mid conversation. He sends two cheeky messages at 12:30pm & 5:00pm to tell me he is thinking of me, asks me a question & never logs back online to read my response… Good one!

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22 June 2025 – I try not to be pissed, I am not going to message with a pissed off ‘crazy’ message as he says, this is what he wants, fine. This is what he gets. Guess what? I bet you can’t guess what he says when he logs on? “I fell asleep early last night 😕 I was going to try and message you.” Yeah ok. He tells me about a post on his page about twisites & cheezels, saying that cheezels are winning, I just say that there wasn’t ever any doubt. He goes offline for the day & comes back, & we talk about my gym closing – don’t even get me started on that story & then he says goodnight.

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23 June 2025 – He pulls out of the podcast, having only recorded two episodes “I just pulled out of the Podcast….. haha I was too scared to listen to our first episode. the interview was good…. but the actual episode sucked. she talks like shes talking to children and I just don’t think Ican do that. introducing the second episode of the singer… and it just felt so fucking lame the entire episode, plus I did all the fuckin research. Im thinking to myself, the dude just writes fucking kids song, his favourite food isnt fuckin apples haha. we also had no chemisty and I think our age gap was just too much. People allready are dicks on social media, and I just simply did not want to a do podcast where the other hosts talks to the audience like they are 6 year children.” Well that’s fair enough, I know how hard it is to find someone to do a podcast with. Honestly, I would love to do one with Phoenix. Ironically that’s the longest mesaage he’s sent me in months…

He asks if I am ringing him for lunch & when I try to call he doesn’t answer – awesome! When he calls back, he tells me where I can listen to the podcast, they have two episodes up & it’s not as bad as he thinks it is but she is pretty cringy, it’s hard not to judge her based on the things that he has said to me, because I am always going to side with him, but it’s definitely not that bad…

We talk about my internet speed & I notice when I am chatting about something that he is interested in or has an opinion on, he doesn’t shut up, I get many messages & screenshots of different internet providers. I also have an interview tomorrow for this job with no job title, so I am going to call in sick tomorrow. I was going to fake a flat tyre or car trouble, but I would be in corporate clothes with make up on so it might be a bit suss. It’s just easier to call in sick. Not like everyone else doesn’t do it too. I ask him if he wants to see me tomorrow after the interview at 9:00am, I’ll be home around 11:00am but I can meet him down his way, & I wait for him to say he’s going to be busy but he says, “It’s a pity it’s raining tommoelw w. We could of had a mini lunch date and done some geo cache hunting.” Well we decide to suss it depending on what time I get back from the interview.

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24 June 2025 – Today he says “No sex?” & I say no, that I am not a piece of vagina meat. When he says that it’s been like a week, I say that it’s actually been two weeks since we last had sex. He says that he thought it was only a week, I say “Wasn’t with me… 🤷🏼‍♀️” Great, just what I need today, the day of my interview is to think about Phoenix & his wife fucking more than we do, now he’s just confirmed it, considering he doesn’t deny it like usual, saying something about them hardly ever having sex… Oh good, even better…

I have re-published my blog, because maybe that will make him talk to me more? Even if I was pissed off about the things he said, at least he would talk to me… I am so fucking dumb, I mean what a stupid way to get him to talk to me… Though I guess I used sax as a way to get him to talk to me… I give you permission to judge me! He says he’s struggling to find the beginning to read from the start, I think I make more sense if you read from the beginning, after everything I’ve been through & why I put up with this shit from Phoenix …

So we’ve really gotten into Geocaching, which I love that it’s our thing. I love my geeky thing that I haven’t done for years & showing it to him too. It’s also really good for us because we can’t just go out like a usual couple, I mean we have done dates which anyone could catch us but getting out & doing something active is probably what our thing is, otherwise we just sit around my house & just have sex. Don’t get me wrong I want to fuck him every time I see him, but I do love the sex-less dates – when they happen!

The weather is awful today. I have called in sick, finished my interview & he will finish around the time that I will be free around midday & that will give us a few hours together, he says to meet him near him to we have more time together, so I meet at his work & I take him home to get changed, get his rain jacket & he says we will go somewhere for lunch, that we can’t always have sex – which I huff about, even though I said this morning we weren’t going to have sex!

I have found a track of geocaches around Myponga reservoir but because it looks fucked with the weather, like it could piss down with rain at any moment,  we find a cafe in Myponga – looks like everything else has shut down. It’s yummy food & Phoenix pays for me. We find a couch to sit & cuddle on, kissing & chatting before our food arrives. These are the moments that I cherish. A moment that someone in a relationship for eight years would usually probably take for granted. Even though I had been ‘seeing’ this man for so long, you would usually just be a normal couple, we are anything but normal. But people probably look at us thinking we are a new couple, a loved up new couple out on a first month date or something because of all the touching & kissing.

The café brings our lunch & I see that my soup has a lot of garlic at the bottom, like garlic granules. It tastes great but I know that later he will tell me my breath is rank – like he did the very first night we fucked, that he never lets me forget, so I give him a spoonful or two towards the end because then he will have garlic breath too. As he finishes eating it, I tell him that I gave it to him so he has garlic breath! He laughs when I tell him & says that it is really garlicy!

After lunch we leave the café for the reservoir & some geocache hunting – I have forgotten the stamp that I bought, but most of these ones are small anyway. I really love doing this with him. It’s so lame, but fuck it’s just nice walking with him, holding his hand, talking with him. It’s cold & windy, so we can’t talk that well, especially since we also have our hoods on, its harder to hear. We are looking for ages for one of the geocaches that just as we find it, the rains come & it’s heavy. I start running back to the car while Phoenix walks but he makes it back there about 20 steps behind me, being his legs are so much longer.

We decide to risk a walk for another one as the rains comes & go quickly. As we’re walking & talking, I tell him it’s cold & that I wore no bra, because I was going to sit opposite him at lunch & my nipples would get hard cos it’s cold & he would just have to look at them. I unzip my jacket, even though it’s cold & give him a little peak of how hard they are through my Lycra sports top. Before I know what’s happening, he’s pulled my top up to expose my tits to the cold air, in the middle of the forest. Now I am not worried, there are no cars at all & we have not seen a person, only kangaroo’s since we arrived. I pull my top down & tell him off, with a laugh asking how he’d like it if his cock was out in the cold. Two seconds later, his cock is out. It’s hard. So I suggest – because there is going to be no sex today, that I just suck his cock in the forest… To my surprise, his worry is about how I will get down on my knees in the wet forest, I laugh saying that is the last concern I thought he would have. He can be sweet sometimes. I tell him that I will bob down, I don’t need to put my knees on the ground & that I think it’s hilarious that where my knees are going to go on the wet ground is the main concern for him right now when I am offering to suck his cock in a forest!

We get to the geocache area & we look around for a moment, but then I am standing a on a log, close to Phoenix & about his height that I grab him & kiss him, really passionately. He reciprocates by kissing me back, that I reach down & feel for his cock, I pull it out & bob down to suck it, in broad daylight, in the middle of some bushes. My knees don’t hit the wet, muddy ground, but I suck his cock for a little while, not heaps long. I stand up to kiss him & see if he likes it, with his cock in my hand & he says he wants to fuck me. He turns me around before I can really say anything & tugs on my pants, I unbutton them but say we should go deeper into the bushes – it is still very exposed, I face a tree, my pants are around my ankles so quickly, bending over & guiding his cock in me from behind. He starts off slow but then building to pound me hard, my hands a breaking bark off the tree with every regrip, he tells me that I am so  wet. Broad daylight, forest fucking, when I say forest, we are literally in about ten steps from the path & we are not deep in a forest, there are small pine trees with a few large gum trees, but this is one of the most exposed fucks I’ve ever had.

We aren’t fucking long before he says he’s cumming, I tell him to cum in me. It’s hot & sexy, I am not surprised he didn’t last long & to be honest, we couldn’t have a long session out in the wilderness anyway. He steps away & knows I haven’t cum, I pull my pants up a bit before he is back over by me & slides his hands into my panties & starts rubbing my clit. He pushes me back against the tree we just fucked on & he is rubbing my clit so well that I know I am going to cum… I know that when I get close & make more noise & I start cumming, he stops thinking I am finished, but I am not, so I make sure that I tell him I am cumming but that he shouldn’t stop, I tell him to keep going because I cum longer than he thinks sometimes.

As I pull up my pants, he says, “is the cache even over here? Did you just bring me over here to fuck me” & laughs. I didn’t just bring him into the bushes to fuck him. As we’re walking around looking for it, my ass feels a bit wet & I touch it & can’t work out if it is wet, I bend over & make him look to tell me if it is wet, which he says yes – I think it’s our cum! We find the geocache easily then walk back to the car & go to the bathroom because I’ve also just had his cum rubbed into my clit. I need to make sure that I don’t get a UTI. We attempt another geocache but as we have to cross a mini river, we decide that it’s not worth it, that it’s too close to him needing to leave & it’s still a bit too far away.

I do take a photo with him, I love the way he pulls me in tight next to him when I ask for a photo. He knows its my favourite part so he does it again, maybe even if I hadn’t told him, he would have still done it. Something people probably take for granted if their partner does that, but I relish in the fact that he pulls me tight, like he actually wants to be in the photo. I remember seeing one of him & his wife shortly after we ended the first affair on their AMM profile, they are out, she looked all made up with makeup & hair nice, is obvious they are taking a pic together, they’re sitting next to each other but he has leaned in so his head is in the pic but isn’t touching her at all, same as their wedding picture she obviously loves as it’s her FB profile picture, she is leaning on him smiling & he doesn’t even look like he wants to be there in either photo, from what I remember… I never want that for me, where a guy chooses me, but really isn’t in it – so much so that it’s obvious to an outsider that he couldn’t care less about the picture. Phoenix looks & feel – with his hand around my waist, invested in this picture.

We do a couple more geocaches, we have some laughs when he can’t start my car because he is using his key. We have similar cars so our keys are the same. We stop at another rest stop on the way home & do another geocache & as I have my phone out for the cache, I take another picture of us & the view of the valley, I send all three pictures to him. I wonder what he’ll do with them… I don’t know if he notices or if I tell him but I have made a picture of us from Hallett Cove, my phone background. I love seeing us looking so happy every time I open my phone.

We have some touches, hold hands while driving & some conversation before I am dropping him back at his car – my least favourite thing to do. We kiss goodbye, he pulls this face when I say that I’m sad he has to go, that he tells me he’s sad about it too, he says, “don’t miss me too much” & he legs it out the car & is in his car before I can really say anything, so as I see him reversing I send a message, unprecedently first, that simply says, “I miss you already.”

Because we’ve talked all day, particularly about how I’ve been feeling, as he goes offline for the afternoon, I send “I’m glad we can talk about when I’m feeling insignificant… But I want you to know, I realise sometimes I’m being a fuckwit… I guess I didn’t really think that when you’re alone no family home, that’s your time to do what you want… I just expect you you want to use that time chatting to me. It’s not that you don’t want too, but it’s either chatting to me or your family are home & take your focus… I just sometimes need to remember the situation I’m in & while I think it’s difficult for me, it’s also difficult for you. Love you a lot. I’ve been awake since 3am, so not sure I’ll be awake late but you probably won’t either, old man. Chat later xxx” He says when he comes back online later that night, “Sometimes your brain makes sense haha!”  he also adds not to wait up, he’s falling asleep. I have been trying to be reflective of this situation & the part I play, “I try to be reasonable even when I’m being unreasonable… 🤣”

#IBD4U

June 2025 – Cookie Pie

13 June 2025 – What fucking kills me is the next morning, Phoenix tells me that he was awake until after 12:00am doing his pizza post, I try not to let that bother me, I don’t want to be annoyed with him. We clearly have very different ideas on what he meant when he said ‘I want to chat to you as much as I can’ & the fact that he was & now doesn’t. We chat on the phone for his break even though it’s Friday – of course me making sacrifices that could get me fired, that he wouldn’t make for me…

At Christmas last year I was given a little clear board that lights up, it’s like a whiteboard with some fluro pens that glow when the light is on. I’ve been putting all the holidays up like Anzac day, happy easter etc. But today I put on it ‘It’s not a Gameboy!’ & so I send a picture of it to him, but he seems to miss the picture & doesn’t mention it.

He goes offline, hoping he’ll come back later that night because I have some exciting news so I send a message, “I just got a call for a job I applied for… They don’t want me for that job but want to meet me for another role but she couldn’t tell me about much – from reading between the lines – the person in the role is not doing well & is moving on… But I’ll meet with her next week to get more details… But that’s kinda exciting.” But what do you know, he doesn’t come back online, probably because he stayed up the night before writing a post for his page.

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14 June 2025 – When he finally comes online today it’s after 9:00am, while he’s at work, he doesn’t mention my news, just tells me that his phone didn’t charge overnight. He doesn’t say anything to me about his break which annoys me because I have baked a cookie pie for him. He calls me again – maybe on a break or his way home, I can’t recall but we get off the phone & have a fight… Probably because I feel like a fucking wanker & he keeps saying he hasn’t changed.

He didn’t tell me about his breaks today, knowing I literally go see him every weekend now, with food that I’ve cooked & he knows I don’t even cook for myself, “Sorry? I recall a time when you told me off for not telling you I was working from home, because ‘you want to see me as much as you can’ yet today, you can’t even message me till after 9am & say you didn’t want to take up my holidays… I’m sure you’re busy & need your sleep. Night.” I am sick of this, why is it always the same?! Why am I always allowing this? “I didn’t know what your clients were gonna be like that today and I forgot to check my phone was on charge But I do want you to tell me when you are working from home !” He asked me my schedule but opted to call me instead, his last message was around 4:00pm. I don’t write back till after 7:00pm, “Your phone was charged enough to watch YouTube… 🤷🏼‍♀️ Also you tell me to message when you’re not online, cos you want to hear what I have to say – but you don’t even acknowledge what I even said so I basically am just a dude in my chat app PM’s having a convo with himself. Yesterday I spent ages making a yummy lunch & dessert to see you today – but you don’t ask about my clients (knowing full well I don’t start clients till 11 so I have time to see you) & you never tell me when you’re working anymore or your vague about it, so as always this is solely on Phoenix’s terms. But it’s cos he’s so busy & tired, not because he’s changed or taking me for granted. No, definitely not. It’s been 3 months – so 3 weeks in Phoenix time. Maybe it’s time to really think about what you want.” I toss & turn all night while he sleeps soundly… Not giving a fuck that he is making me feel so insignificant, he just plays it off as I’m being a typical girlfriend…

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15 June 2025 –  At 7:50am he finally replies, “I watch YouTube on TV only… Did you want me to start sending you my roster again?” I don’t write back until 3:00pm where I just say “No”, if he doesn’t want me to know when he’s working so he can use it at an excuse, then so be it… “I don’t know what you want to do , but if you can’t handle it , if I need too, I can pull back, I genuinely have tried to make an effort to message you more , ring you as much as I can and see often …, and try not to take you for granted , I know I’m not perfect nor is the situation, but I don’t want to always fuck you off either Orr upset you.” If he needs to pull back?! Is he joking, he already has!

At 5:30pm, I write back, “This is how you treated me right before your daughter was born & right before you got married. So either you have something big going on & you don’t know how to tell me or you want me to end it. Either way, the way you acted today, speaks volumes of how much I mean to you. 🤷🏼‍♀️” Who wants to make a bet I won’t hear from him again until tomorrow?!

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16 June 2025 – Fuck that was the safest bet ever placed!! He does a really good job of not taking me for granted, by not messaging me from his last message yesterday at 5:00pm until today at almost 11:30am! “Nothing big is happening, just my normal boring life haha. I don’t want you to end things, I just don’t want tto keep pissing you off all the time ! I honestly do try and message you daily, and message you when I can 😕 Yesterday you gave me nothing so I gave it back to you. You do mean something to me, and I really enjoyed our day out the other day. Honestly I have been trying with you …. I wish you could see it. Always ring you when I can and see you when I can… I assumed you were going to see me yesterday.” Yeah good one Phoenix, his standard move when I am upset, hurt or angry is to be more stubborn…! He didn’t again bother to tell me when his break is, so how could I go see him?! I made a fucking lunch & a cookie pie for him, I feel like such a fucker wanker for doing it… & all I get is stubborn Phoenix – who started this, by letting his guard down, so why the fuck is it up again?? I bet they’re moving interstate or she’s pregnant again… Definitely something big is happening & I won’t be privy to it until about five months after I stop talking to him – what this space! It’s happened twice before, so I’m certian of it!

I ask him to call on my break & he is a fuck wit & says to me when we’re talking, ‘do you have your period’, which I don’t & I say after we hang up “And BTW I don’t have my period. No, I am in a relationship where the guy doesn’t act like he cares & instead of trying to make me feel better he just ignores me more because he’s being a typical guy…” But he just says that maybe I should become lesbo, is he fucking serious… “So I think we should circle back to something I said a while ago, that we say goodbye after work & if you come back you come back & if you don’t, you don’t… But also when I get upset, you don’t be a stubborn asshole & ignore me more… & then I won’t be a bitch. It’s the circle of life…” He says that what he’s been doing, oh righto, “No… You said you didn’t want to do that… And when I get upset, you say you don’t want to upset me but then make me more upset by being a bastard.” Would have been nice if he let me in on that fucking detail of saying goodbye after work – which for the record he still doesn’t do, remember the other Friday when I got one mesaage & then nothing until he deemed it safe to come back online – probably lying in bed with her, when it’s safe…

“And what about the being a dick when I’m upset?? And logging off at midday friday & never coming back then not messaging till 9 am Saturday, is not considered by anyone as ‘chatting every chance they get’” He says he’s in bed early Friday nights, which is not fucking true, “And not messaging till 9am Saturday? When you’ve been up since 4:30 watching you tube??? Maybe this will help you understand my perspective – on Friday you said ‘do something productive’ & I have seen you every sat or sun you’ve worked for weeks besides when I was away… So I made a cookie pie & I made yummy healthy lunches thinking, he never gives me much notice but on Saturday morning for his break, so I’ll be ready when I wake up the I’ll let you know that I made something yummy… But you didn’t bother to come back online until about 6 mins before your break. You then did the same for your 2nd break & didn’t bother to even message Sunday, being more stubborn, while I sit there thinking how much of a fucking idiot I am for even wanting to do nice things for you, non sexual thing… when your nice thing for me is making me cum… I am really not more than sex to you, am I?!” He has said over & over that I am not just sex to him, but he is making me feel like I am just sex & mean nothing to him. He is making me feel like he’s regretting starting this version of this affair. ”I had no idea you were going to do that for me. That is pretty fuckin cool. I always wanted more than sex for you.. I’m the one that is telling you we should have no sex on our date days…” Where does he think the food comes from that I take him every weekend? He knows I make food because I made him pasta, made a platter – the list goes on…“I have made you lunch every fucking weekend you’ve worked since we started ‘non’ sex dates… So do you understand why I was upset? Yes I could’ve told you that I had made lunches ready, but I was even more upset that I knew you’d been up since before the sun ( &always before me!) but hasn’t messaged me at all… So I felt like more of an idiot the longer time went on…”

I guess it’s my fault, I plan & he doesn’t, I plan nice things because I am not as good vocalising my feelings or being tactile, I made the cookie pie in the shape of a heart & felt like a dickhead so I ate the whole thing which made me feel sick but I needed it gone, “It would of been a really nice surprise 😕 Thank you for doing that for me. I’m sorry what happened on sat.” He says sorry but I just don’t think things will change, can we get past this? Can he stop doing it? Can I stop being upset about it? I know I pick on his actions a lot, I know I am not innocent, but he is the one that started this, set the precedence of how this would go & now he’s changing it again, while I am still on the relationship train is what is killing me…

He says he is not good at this stuff when I get upset, but he says he is doing his best to message me when he can but then he says something so fucking dumb, I am bewildered by his excuses when I ask that he wasn’t alone to message me for 18 fucking hours, “Both my kids can fucking read too so gotta be carefull.” My nieces & nephews are the same age & they couldn’t give a fuck what I am doing on my phone & this is just a new excuse, so he doesn’t have to put in effort. So I say ‘time for you to go’ & I log off. What an absolute fucking joke.

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17 June 2025 – I have an interview today for the job I told him about on Friday, I don’t want to talk to him this morning. I need to be in the right headspace. He messages but all I say is ‘yo’ to him, I don’t want to be pissed off for this meeting & I wish I just let him on read. It’s difficult because I can’t prepare as it’s not a job I applied for & they haven’t told me the company they are recruiting for. I am sceptical, but I have nothing to lose having a Teams meeting with the recruiter. It sounds exciting but it’s a lot further away from my house, but will probably be a lot more money, that I am interested but I am concerned about seeing Phoenix. Though it would be much more flexible that my current job, so things might be a lot better. But let’s be honest, doesn’t matter where I work, this is on a downhill trajectory to ending badly sometime soon…

We talk on the phone mainly about my current job & possible new job. After the call we text about it a bit more & how scared I am, the new job they have said I can negotiate the job title, but what the fuck does that mean? It sounds like a general manager or operations manager role, so I will have to wait & see, she wants to meet with the business owner & have a coffee next week. & with that he just says go for the coffee & goodnight.

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18 June 2025 – The next morning, I snap “Haven’t changed hey?? Been up for at least an hour, start working in 10 mins & haven’t messaged?? You are pulling away, I don’t care what you say… If you want me to end it, just say cos this emotional bullshit you put me through & you wonder why I act crazy…. I act crazy because you fucking change when something big is happening….” I hate that I say crazy because I am really not acting crazy at all, this is fucking awful & he just makes me feel unappreciated & insignificant every day but I keep thinking one day things will be better, especially after we talk on the phone, then he proves me wrong the next day. I don’t think we can get past this… “Good morning my sexy bitch! Omg stop getting crazy! I’m not doing it on purpose ! Wednesdays and Thursdays my wife is up early…. it’s the days I use to call you in the morning … Back when i had actual days off 😕 Stop acting crazy. Stop being a paranoid dickhead, i was getting my kids ready for osch this morning. It’s cute you miss me so much and want to talk to me so early though! Oi IBD4U, I love you 😛 Ill just keep being a ik chat app dude. Talking to myself. You got any cool hobbies ? What do you do for fun? Are you into kink? I love eating pussy and want to go down on you for hours. I like sex. I want to see you try on some sexy outfits infront of your big mirrors.” Oh another new excuse, his wife is up early on these two days now… Sure thing mate, you can mesaage lying in bed but not while she’s getting ready & distracted to not see what you’re doing on your phone… Okay! He says something about not messaging me as soon as he wakes up, I wish I was writing down times of his rants only two months ago, because they were always well before 5:00am. Now he doesn’t message me till after 11:00am… I say it’s obviously physically impossible to message, “But anyway, I know it’s hard for you to message, so I’ll just leave you be. You can message when you can, I understand you can’t message 24/7 & you message me all the time.” I use his line on him…

“Dont be like that … Part of the reason I did not message you was so I could Smash out my online shopping so I can see you tommorow ! Tommrow is the only day I can see you tommrow so I fucking hope you are in your normal office and not training or something. There is no big conspiracy theory or plan. I message you morning every day. Chat to you every day. When I’m not chatting to you I genuinely fucking miss you !!! I am trying my hardest honestly to make this work. I will take your feedback and feelings more on board and try and send you more Sneaky messages on weekends or Fridays. And try and make sure I message you first thing. I don’t wantt to keep upsetting you.” Smash out online shopping?? It doesn’t take that fucking long to do it… OMG his excuses are getting as good as when he told his wife he cut his dick with a box cutter at work… How did I know he would say that he could see me tomorrow, so Phoenix now has a plan in his head to see me tomorrow & I just have to be available or I won’t get to see him – but I’m not priviy to this information so I can’t organise anything. & also get a fucking grip, didn’t he tell me once that he was chatting to me when doing his online shopping & using that as an excuse to her?! “Say what ? I want to try harder for you IBD4U, honestly. I want to factor you when I can. I hate the current cycle. I fucking loved our day on Thursday. I don’t want that to end. There is no conspiracy theory, no physiological warfare or Big plan. I promise. Honestly I do fucking miss you all the time. My fucking highlight of the day is our daily phone call.” Well why couldn’t he just say shit like that make me feel appreciated & loved. But then he says the thing that makes me was to slap his face, “I am a legitimately busy person, being part time and being the main parent in charge of everything keeps me super fucking busy.” THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU START THIS IF YOU’RE SO BUSY… I didn’t ask for it, I was perfectly happy how it was… I never asked for more. I never pushed to see him or speak to him.  The only reason I do now is because he fucking sucked me in & call him my fucking boyfriend. Get fucked. There is something going on, he is pulling away even more because of how upset I get, but for me to get here, he had already pulled away, so I don’t know what the something is, I guess I will find out five months after it happens, like I did with his wedding or his open relationship.

We made it to 84 days in our snapstreak, I had restored it five times over the past few weeks & I say that it’s pretty good but I am not restoring it now. He says, “A little but how long could we keep it going epically getting cranky all the time haha. I honestly don’t think we should fuck on date days. As much as I loved have a sexy little school girl to rape and make me cum in under 2 minutes!” I am ok with not having sex, but one of the issues is that I haven’t seen him for a week & I don’t know when he is going to be able to see me again, the only way I know how to feel close to him is with sex… Is it wise to have these sexless dates? Let’s face it, we aren’t having many sex dates so how the fuck can we have an actual sexless date.

#IBD4U

June 2025 – School Girl of Hallett Cove

**Trigger warning for this post – consensual non-consent**

12 June 2025 – As I predicted, Phoenix doesn’t say hello to me in the morning, waiting till 8:10am when he’s dropped the kids off to say good morning & tell me he’s on way. I don’t know why he does this, when I know he’s been up for hours & tells me ALL the time that he ‘chat’s to me every chance he gets.’ I know we’re spending the day together – well won’t be the whole day, he won’t get here till after 9:00am & will need to leave around 1:00pm, but he could still message in the morning so I don’t think he’s bailing… Especially since he knows I am planning a scene today & would need time to get ready.

I have dressed carefully, but obviously not carefully enough because ten minutes before he is due to arrive from my guesstimate, I tug on the skirt to straighten it & the zip breaks – fucking shein. I am wearing a school skirt, shirt (if you can call it that, my tits are hanging out the bottom! But that is the look) & tie with knee high black boots. I have put heavy make up on my eyes, red lips, giant hoop earrings & I’ve put in my extra-long hair extensions for a school girl fantasy. I leave my glasses on, which I am not sure about but I think they give the young school girl look I am going for – but I don’t want to come across as school teacher. I wonder if I should put my hair in pigtails but I leave it down.

I had set up the scenario last night asking for help with my homework so he knows what I’ll be doing when he gets here but being he hasn’t text this morning, he probably doesn’t remember. We also have discussed this before. About playing the school girl character, & that this could be our ‘consensual non-consent’ scenario I say that I want to wait for the dance & thank him for waiting for me to be ready. I have set this up perfectly… And I am so excited about this scenario, I have to push my feelings aside…

For those who don’t know, I didn’t explain it last post, but consensual non-consent or CNC as it’s referred to, is the act of obviously Phoenix & I as consenting partners, playing a game of non-consent where one partner will resist the other partner in a non-consent / rape / assault type role play. It’s not for everyone, I get that. But it’s a bit like the intruder fantasy we had. Same thing. I have previously apologised to Phoenix, because I don’t think I am ever going to be able to ‘act’ by genuinely resisting him so he can overpower me & have me how he wants. Now this is all consensual & it’s not to disrespect anyone who has been sexually assaulted. This is more about the fantasy for us.

I look hot, I feel sexy & then I tug on the skirt to straighten it & as I said before, the fucking zip rips open with the zip still at the top – now I feel like an obese whale because I have just broken it open with my hips & a little tug but also because I can’t get it to move up or down, no matter what I do. I quickly get a pin & pin it but it looks a tad ridiculous. I guess I did buy from shein for just this occasion so it wasn’t that expensive. To be honest, he probably won’t even notice & if he does, he won’t say anything – he is usually pretty considerate in the moment. One time he surprised me in the morning & I had scar tape on my tummy scar, afterwards I was like fuck I have my scar tape still on & when I say something later, he just said ‘oh yeah I wondered what that was’ but in the moment, he didn’t say anything & make me feel awkward about it – he is good like that. I think he knows that it’ll kill the mood or make me self-conscious, maybe he doesn’t want to spoil the mood for himself either. I mean I have dressed up in a costume for him before but it’s not something I am comfortable with & I am not comfortable with my body, generally. Ironically, later when I try to pull on the zip, afterwards, it unzips perfectly & zips back up – of course, stupid fucking thing!

When he arrives at my house, I meet him at the door, leaning on the wall & I say instantly that my parents aren’t home & that I need help with my homework. I kiss him hello & tell him to come to my bedroom… I have my computer on the bed, with the pretence of doing homework & he kisses me, his hands going all over me, up my skirt & up my top however, I keep squatting his hands away (all with the idea that this is going to be a rape type scene). He pushes me on the bed & we are kissing but I keep the pretence of pushing his hands away, I start telling him to stop which spurs him on, which makes me say things like wait & don’t. I say stop more & more, which makes him rougher, holding me down a little & he pulls my panties down. I try my best not to make the noise we usually make when he enters me, the noise of sheer pleasure because this isn’t about letting him fuck me, I am supposed to be resisting, which is a lot harder than you think with someone you love & someone you want to fuck & that you’re trying to give a rape type fantasy too (consensually)!

I think my acting is fucking terrible, because all I want to say is ‘fuck me Phoenix, fuck me harder’ but I am supposed to be still pushing him off, which I am not successful but that’s also the point of this scenario. He cums really quickly, which pisses him off, but this was supposed to be a quick fuck. Of course I haven’t cum, so I push him down on his back & luckily, he stays hard once he’s cum, so I climb on top of him in my school girl costume & ride him so hard that I am cumming so fucking quickly myself. OMG, that was so fun… If that’s your thing, of course… We’re done fucking for now, considering he said we weren’t going to fuck at all today. Filled with his cum, we get up and get ready for phase two of what we have planned for our ‘whole’ day together.

I get changed quickly & am ready to go because he’s mentioned that his wife takes forever to get ready, needing to iron everything she wears before they leave the house. Then his daughter has long hair & he has to do it before they go so it takes them ages to get out the door. So I try to show how easy things are with me, firstly, I don’t own an iron at all, so I don’t iron anything & honestly, we aren’t going anywhere special that I don’t need to iron anything. I get dressed in my billabong leggings which have the word written in large letters up the leg & thin hooded active wear zip up jacket with a puffer type vest. I think I look very cute & simple for a walk at Hallett Cove. I leave my hair extensions in, which might be a mistake, but I want to look hot even though we are just going to a café & a walk along the boardwalk & I know that he loves the hair extensions & I want to make sure that I am looking the best I can for him.

I love being in the car with him & him driving, he doesn’t get it but whenever he asks whos car we should take, I think it’s because he doesn’t want to use his petrol, but I want him to drive because I love sitting in the passenger seat. We go out for lunch – which is basically Brunch as we get there around 10:00am, I have stupidly offered to pay because when we went to Hahndorf he paid & it was expensive. But it’s stupid because I have literally no money being it’s a Thursday, the before pay day. But I want to pay, just not when I have no money. However, I sort out my funds & I pay. We have a beach breakfast on a cool winter day where the sun is shining. Phoenix eats so fast so he is always done before me & as I am still chewing my last bite, he is jumping up & ready to go. I feel like this is funny, but I also reckon this would fuck me off if we ate together more often. Let me fucking sit a bit after I have finished eating too… I had given him two short acting ADHD drugs before we let my house, they should have kicked in by now, but clearly they aren’t doing anything because he’s rushing me to get going – so one might conclude that he doesn’t have ADHD?! I don’t say anything to him…

We start the walk along with Hallett Cove board walk. It says that it is 7.3kms one way & because of the terrain, it can take up to three hours to go one way, which we won’t have time to do the whole thing. As it is, we actually walk 1.5kms before we turn around & walk back. We walk & talk holding hands so easily, so casually, so comfortably. Because I said that I wanted to take photos of us together & he was okay with it, saying every time I’ve mentioned it that we should have done it… As we stand at a lookout & I pull out my phone, I tell him to come close that we’re taking a photo, that he puts his arm around me, & then he grabs my waist, pulling me in so tight that it takes me by surprise. He said he wanted a picture with me, but as a married man this is fucking stupid of him, but his tight grip on my waist makes me realise that he wants this picture too. He’s hugged me so many times, but this is a different sort of hug or touch, it’s firm & pulling me in close. We take one with the beach in the background but we are staring into the sun, him squinting & me with my sunnies on, that he makes us turn but it’s dark & the background is shit. I don’t want to make him take a million photos with me – knowing his wife apparently took photos with him to post in the hopes that I would see them, so I put my phone away, but they aren’t the best photos of us… I am dying to feel like I just felt – his arm so tight around my waist, what is that about. He’s obviously held me before, but not on the side like that, like he really wanted to be there & he really wanted that picture with me. It makes all the shit of the long weekend dissipate.

We walk some distance & back just like a real active couple. I like this activity because I don’t picture them going for a walk together… I don’t want to know if they do, I want to believe that he only does this with me… We get back to the car & I realise that we didn’t do any geocaching, but then I remember that there aren’t any on the boardwalk because it is a conservation park.  So, on the way home we stop a couple of times to hunt for some. I am so annoyed that I have done this a lot so I can sometimes sense where they are, so I always get them before Phoenix. It’s hard because I want him to see the geek side of me finding them but I want him to find some first too… But honestly, one of the funny things about geocaching with him is that he clearly doesn’t like to go in the bushes or pick them up out of the depths of a tree trunk because he might get something on his hands. After sex or fingering me, he always washes his hands, so I realise how much he doesn’t like stuff on his hands. But he talks about how much he likes geocaching though & when I suggest he should do it with his kids, he doesn’t say it really, but it’s like he wants this to be something he just does with me…

When we get home, he fucks me over the kitchen bench, I sit on the bench & he also fingers me, then he fucks me while I sit on the bench, it’s a bit high but if I slide right to the edge, it’s not a bad height for us to fuck like this. Before I have even gotten off the bench, he strips off & goes to have a shower. I don’t join him, but after the shower I notice he’s still wet & he’s getting dressed that I follow him with a towel to dry him off. He is only at my house about 30 minutes before he leaves & I notice that his little Gameboy is on my kitchen table. Did he mean to leave it?

I send him the pictures of us, & he tells me to use AI to edit the photos as we both agree that they aren’t that great… I spend some time trying to edit the photo because Phoenix eyes are closed but I actually find an app that is AI & will convert the picture to a moving picture like a GIF. I tell it to make us kiss & OMG it’s so cute. It turns our picture into a movie of us giving each other a kiss. It looks a bit dodgy but it’s cute & I love it. Phoenix thinks I’m an idiot probably but he laughs at them saying something about me loving the AI app – which is true! He says he’ll look at them with his AI app when he gets time because mine literally changes our faces completely, but fun fact – he never does!

I also ask about the Gameboy thing, asking if he meant to leave it behind, he went out to the car especially to get it & then left it behind. However, he tells me that I can have it for a while & I this is how I need to remember he loves me. He wants me to play with this toy, assuming his wife who is younger than both of us probably isn’t into commodore 64 games, probably doesn’t even know what the games are, so I like that this is something he involves me in, he likes that I am interested in his hobbies & leaving this device that isn’t an actual Gameboy behind is how I know we are connected beyond just superficial stuff… Though it also makes me sad because I know that we are a better match but because we have nothing together, as in we don’t have a house, kids, pets or a marriage certificate, I am the one that gets the raw end of the deal. He says goodbye for the afternoon, “I’m heading off line, I loved hanging with you today and love you.” OMG that’s the first time in I don’t know how long that he said it first & I try to not overthink that he didn’t say ‘I’, just ‘love you’ – maybe it means nothing to him, but it’s something to me…

Because I think that walks are something that he & his wife don’t do, I look for a walking trail of Geocaches that we could do, I send him a few suggestions of geocaches that are in a line or area where you can walk so we can do them on our next date. It’s free & I need to exercise so I think these dates are better than dinner & a movie. He says that he loves that I am planning our next date… Well I want them, maybe more than he does…

When he comes back online that evening, I ask him, “Do you want to know my favourite part of today? Which you’ll be like ‘weirdo’” He knows it’s going to be something lame, but I tell him, “Well when I took the photo of us – you grabbed my waist so tight… Then we changed to not be in the sun & you grabbed it again.” He is surprised that I love him grabbing me close, “Haha that is kinda cute. Why did you like that” which I tell him, “Cos it showed me that you actually wanted a photo, that you cared about me… Not just leaning in… You literally held me close.” I thought that he was just appeasing me but he says that he wanted the photo with me.

He says to me, “How sad am I that I’m really enjoying researching and putting this Pizza post together.” But I am playing on his Gameboy & playing Mission Impossible that I say who is sadder but he loves that I am playing with his Gameboy. He signs off again for the evening & I am awake thinking about our school girl fantasy, that I buy a police woman costume from shein & I plan to be dressed in it one day, asking if he was speeding, to which I’ll have to arrest him. I love these little fantasies & the best part about it too, is he will love it, not make me feel self conscious, he won’t laugh, but his eyes will pop out his head & he will love being my prisoner for a very sexy session. I cannot wait for it…

#IBD4U

June 2025 – Long Weekend

A long weekend in Adelaide, means a post everyday of the weekend, while I write about a long weekend!

05 June 2025 – He is up early & messaging me, “Getting my Switch 2 before I take the kids to school”, he’s at the shops near my house, at 6:30am for the release of a Switch – which I keep calling a Gameboy & he gets so huffy that it’s funny, it’s our little joke, not sure he loves that I keep calling all his mini devices Gameboys, but I think it’s funny. A little piece of me is sad that when he is so close to my house, that he didn’t leave a little extra time to come see me, he has taken today off to get this Gameboy & to play with it all day. He also tells me that he lost the ADHD drugs I gave him… Oh fuck. He says that he did washing when he got home & they weren’t in his pockets, so he’s probably dropped out his pocket in his car or something? But he says he’s looked in his car & can’t find them so they must have fallen out of his pocket.

I make a joke at 7:00am when he is in the line, “Well enjoy playing with your new game boy that you don’t need!“ But I don’t get a reply for three hours, saying “It is not a Game Boy! and you know it fuckhead :P” I get that he has taken the day off to play with this thing, but he forgets that we have very limited time to chat & he’s not chatted to me for three hours – so much for wanting to chat to me all the time… “Obviously more important than talking to me… So enjoy it! Hope it makes you cum…” But he replies straight away, “I am talking to you, but it does not make me cum like you do! I enjoyed having you bent the bed over ass in the air and in my face and tasting your cunt from behind 😛 I did have to run around this morning and take my kids to school because they missed the bus, the fuckers were both still in bed when I got home at 7.40!” Um… Didn’t he say he was taking them to school in his good morning message? So don’t make that an excuse now why you’ve not been able to chat at 10:00am! I take 45 minutes to reply to all his messages now, I am so sick of writing back quickly to now be second fiddle to a fucking Gameboy. “well they sent a text last night saying they were openning at 7, I knew I could squeeze it in before school, plus it gave me time to put things on to download and set it up while I dropped the kids at school and popped into the shops. You going to ring me today>” Interesting again he says that he was dropping them to school & was going to set it up while doing his errands… Yeah okay mate. Did they miss the bus or where you taking them to school or do you just want an excuse to push me away…?

We speak on the phone – I am not sure exactly what about but as soon as he hangs up he sends me a dick pic, so we obviously talking about something sexy. But then I tell him all about the testing I had done for the fertility tests. I explain that I would want the kid to be his & my chances are so slim anyway, but he seems surprised, “You would want it to from me? is my DNA that impressive to you?” I say that he is my boyfriend so I would want it to be his, but if I am honest, I have never had thoughts of kids or marriage with anyone else but Phoenix. He says that kids cost a lot of money & that he doesn’t want anymore – so perhaps he wouldn’t donate sperm, but then again, he wouldn’t have to pay for anything with mine. I don’t need anything from him, just his swimmers. He asks why I didn’t tell him or my sister about the testing, but I didn’t want to excite anyone when it turns out, it is basically an impossibility… “Understandable I guess. You always came across super I will never had kids haha.” it’s a bit hard to see kids in your life when the man you want them with casually marries someone else… But also its hard to picture kids in my life when you’ve been single forever, “I literally have been single 99% of my life. How could I even envisage that I would ever have kids?!”

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06 June 2025 – It’s June long weekend, I am going away with my family this weekend, it’s been so long since I went away that I am excited but also sad that I won’t see Phoenix. He has been vague about his work & what his plans are this weekend so I have no idea if he is even working or not. I believe it’s her weekend off so assuming since he hasn’t said anything, he’s got the weekend off too & so I won’t hear from him. Or he will refuse to message me because I am with my family & he won’t want to interrupt. Phoenix has seen me on the Wednesday before the weekend but the distance is growing. It’s been growing for a while actually… I can feel it. I feel disconnected from him – we speak on the phone a lot now which is good but it’s always on his terms & when he’s free.

Recently on Friday’s – it’s like he has asked for the day off – because it’s her day off & hasn’t told me that he has done this, but it seems he’s had every Friday off in the last few months or so & then doesn’t talk to me much, then wonders why I’m pussy when I make the effort to see him Saturday’s for his lunch break. I am lucky if I get half a dozen messages & then of course, he ‘falls asleep’ & doesn’t bother to talk to me even for a minute before bed. So I shouldn’t be a surprised that he didn’t tell me it’s a pupil free day at school the Friday of the long weekend but luckily that he said something on the Thursday night, so I piece together that they all have the day off.

I message at 6:30am, I don’t get a reply till after 9:00am saying he slept in & just work up – aka ‘fucked my skinny wife this morning so didn’t think about you.’ He doesn’t message me again until 7:30pm asking how the long weekend is going, sends me a selfie in his oodie saying it’s cold & that they took the kids to Cleland National Park today & they loved it… It’s a really bad weekend for weather & our holiday isn’t going as planned, I have a cabin that we weren’t planning on using as much as we do, but there’s a bad storm & we’re saying near the beach so it’s windy & raining all weekend. So my family are in the cabin & we’re playing cards & drinking. I don’t want to say something bitchy & have a fight with him while I am with my family, so I choose not reply. He sends a good night message that simply says good night, nothing more around 11:00pm & I don’t reply.

I guess I am so upset being that he never fucking once told me he was going out with the kids & so he wouldn’t be online at all, he came on in the morning, said one thing about sleeping in then didn’t come back online until night expecting me to engage with him & just act like I’m not hurt & completely disregarded by him?

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07 June 2025 – Times are important, if you’re wondering why I am suddenly talking about times he messages me – if you remember he was messaging me at 4:30am every day, he says that he’s working more now so therefore would be up at 4:30am more days than he was before, right? But now I don’t get messages until almost 8:00am today saying that he hopes I am having a good weekend away I mean I didn’t reply to his messages last night, so I’m actually surprised he messaged at all. I say that it’s cold & hopes he had a good day yesterday.

Samsung had done some update that changed where things were but there was a way to fix it, so I send him a couple of screenshots on how I fixed it. He says he doesn’t understand why they move things around all the time, I sent back the “🤷🏼‍♀️“ emoji at around 3:30pm & I don’t hear from him again.

So is this distance in my head? Or has he become complacent? Taking me for granted again? He says he hasn’t changed when I bring it up, but he’s pulled back & makes me feel like I am taking up his time – an obligation is something I have not wanted to be, now or ever but that is how I feel. I feel like he is obliged to see me, knowing now that I have all our conversations & download all the security footage saved, maybe he things that I am going to blackmail him…

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08 June 2025 – He messages the next day around 7:00am saying “Good morning, hope you are having an okay time away with your family and stuff.” I respond round 8:00am & then he messages again around 1:00pm, “How’s the dogs going with a holiday haha? I miss our little lunch weekend catch ups…” So he’s at work & barely messaging me?! That hurts me even more than his logging off. I know that I am not giving him much, but how can I when Friday he just logged off & went out having a great day with his family while I wait around for a simple message… I say that he didn’t tell me he was working & he says that he’s working both days… Does he not remember that I told him I would try to come see him because I am not that far away… Whatever, he doesn’t give a fuck, so why should I…

I tell him how one of my dogs has a limp tail, which sometimes happens when they get stressed, when I’ve taken them away for work trips, he says he’s never heard of a dog getting a limp tail. He takes an hour to reply & at 5:00pm he days “Your dog’s sound like they have more medication that I have had in thr last 5 years.” I say “probably” about 30 minutes later & I don’t hear from him again.

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09 June 2025 – He sends “Good morning for today” at 7:00am, I send back “Morning for today” at 8:00am & we don’t speak again. Yeah good one…!

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10 June 2025 – I have this week off. At 5:15am, he messages “Morning, I’ve missed our daily phone calls, hopefully we can talk today!” Um, mate we could have talked all weekend, you literally stopped talking to me every fucking day, without a goodbye & opted not to ask if he could call me when he was on his breaks, which he could have called, I wasn’t with my family every second of the weekend…

He calls me, assuming when he is on his break & I am at the gym so I don’t answer. When I leave the gym around 10:15am, I tell him that I was at the gym & I go shopping, doing some errands, but I don’t hear from him until he calls me when he has finished work. I don’t think we really talk about the weekend because he tells me that he is coming to see me. Right now. He is on his way to my house. I am on holidays so I am home & he can see where I am on the snapchat maps, so he knows I am home. Yeah right, apparently I just need to be free for him.

I cook us lunch when he arrives, some Gozleme – a Turkish stuffed flatbread that you pan fry, they are delicious, so much so I cook both of them that I had bought only today. Basically they are a Turkish version of a Quesadilla. He enjoys them too, we stand in the kitchen kissing & hugging the whole time. I can’t remember the conversation as I didn’t write about our verbal conversations a lot but I’m sure we talked about the weekend & how I felt. Anytime I try to explain how I feel, he just say his excuse vomit of being busy & tired.

He goes out to his car & gets a fake Gameboy thing he has loaded all these Commodore 64 games on that I’ve been talking about; he shows me it & I think it’s cute but am not really sure why he’s showing me. But I like that he is & that he isn’t just talking about how geeky he is, he shows me that it has a touch screen & it basically looks like a Gameboy. I tell him that I should get one & get him to add all the games on it for me. He says that he would if I got one – or will this be like the downloading of the tv shows? He says he’ll do it but then when you ask he doesn’t want to do it?!  We have sex after just talking & cuddling in the kitchen for ages. Then he leaves, things seemingly better but still not great. We have planned to see each other for a day date on Thursday, so I am trying my hardest to hold out for a couple more days. We’re planning a brunch & a walk on the Hallett cove boardwalk. I can’t wait to feel a connection with him again & stop being a whingy girlfriend as he calls me now.

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11 June 2025 – We don’t text a lot today, but when we chat on the phone, I am surprised that three & a half hours later, we hang up. What the fuck did we talk about for that long?! I tell him that he has changed when we get off the phone, he has been changing & pulling back, you can even see in this blog how different my posts are now, but he doesn’t think he has changed, he just says that he’s busy & can’t give me all the attention I want… I never asked for attention, I know he can’t talk to me all the time, I know he can’t see me all the time, what I look for is reassurance that I am in something real… That it’s not just a obligatory online friendship. That he actually still wants what he started.

We don’t talk about sex much on the phone, a fact that we are both proud of but because I have plans for tomorrow, I talk about sex with him tonight, he says that we aren’t going to have sex tomorrow & I say that we will, he keeps saying no, but with my plan, there is no way he is going to resist, even though he is saying he will. I say “Well, I need to ask a favour for tomorrow…” He of course asks what, “Before we go out to brunch & a walk… I have a bit of pesky homework to finish off… Will you help me with my maths homework? My mum & dad won’t be home.” & he asks if this is how I am going to get him to fuck me. I keep in character, knowing that tomorrow I am going to be in that school uniform when he gets here & he will not resist me, because I’ve said before that this will be our consensual non consent (CNC) scenario. “Can you help or not?? If I’m gonna ditch school, I just need to get this assignment done…” He says that he can help, I keep going, “I’m gonna tell mum & dad I’ll go to school so let me know when you’re coming over so I can tell you if the coast is clear. I’m not supposed to have boyfriends in my room.” He says that he’ll have to sneak in, I say “We have to be quiet. But you know I’m not ready, I want to wait till the senior dance when I’m all dressed up. So well just kiss & you can touch me over my clothes, is that OK?” He says that if he gets to touch me then we’ll be fine, I keep going “I’m so glad you understand & want our first time to be special… I can’t wait to finally do it with you. You’ve been such a good boyfriend to me.” He says that he can’t wait but I ask to wait to the senior dance so it can be special. When he just says we will see, I say, “Promise me we can wait till senior dance? Please?” & he replies, “Okay maybe. We will see. I’m going to bed. Night x” I don’t reply, what a fucking dickhead.

#IBD4U

June 2025 – I want a baby!

02 June 2025 – Sometime in December 2024, probably before that if I am really honest with myself, something inside me flicked. I want a baby! I ignored it for weeks, months actually, because this is not really possible for me, not only did I get a tubal ligation about five or six years ago, I also miss one very important ingredient to do IVF.

I push the feeling aside.

In January 2025, the feeling gets stronger & I ask my sister who she went to for her IVF when she had her kids, she asks why & I lie to her saying someone at work wanted to know, but I can’t tell anyone that this is what I am thinking of until I know it’s a possibility.

Finally in February 2025, the feelings won’t go away, that I mention to my GP – who was the one who had referred me to the gynaecologist who did the tubal ligation, he is so excited, more than I thought anyone would be. I tell him that I’ve been thinking about this for months, thinking it would just go away & be something I have hyper fixated on, but it hasn’t. He suggests that I see a fertility doctor & just get some tests done. He refers me to the same place my sister went, but to another doctor. My appointment isn’t for another three months, during this time, I go back & forth on if this is the right thing for me, if I can afford it. I hate my job so if I do this, I will be stuck in this role forever basically. I literally don’t know what I want, I am much better with snap decisions.

The problem is that now that Phoenix has started A3V2.0, I can’t think of anything I want more than to have his baby. Would he donate his sperm to me for IVF? Can I ever tell him? But my issue is now that if I do this, I want it to be his. It can’t be anyone else’s. No matter if he’ll be in our lives or not, (Our?! WTF!!) no matter if he wants to be on the birth certificate or not. If I go through with this, but it has to be his.

I have the initial appointment with the fertility specialist in May who then books me in for a bunch of tests. They have to be done on day two of your period so I have to wait another two weeks, then two weeks later to see the doctor again. I want this to get moving, I am closer to my 44th birthday than I would have liked & if I do this, I don’t want to wait any longer. Oddly after the internal ultrasound things are weird with my body & my period goes on longer than usual being that it’s like clockwork & I can feel my ovaries & uterus all month long, needing pain meds almost every day. What the fuck is wrong with me? I also have struggled to cum with Phoenix – is this because she literally poked my ovaries with the internal ultra sound stick, making sure they weren’t attached to anything (I mean I hope they are attached!). So two weeks later I get the results – I still haven’t told anyone at all what I am doing, my GP & this Dr are the only ones who know what I am doing. I haven’t told my sister, I haven’t told Phoenix. I want to know if this is possible first.

Stupidly I have told the fertility Dr that I have a partner so I’d want the sperm to be his & she says that getting donor sperm is harder if I am in a relationship. FUCK. She mentions that my partner will need to get tests & stuff too, which I wasn’t thinking about when I mentioned him, but I was hoping that I could jerk Phoenix off into a cup & just take his sperm to be used. I think he’d be ok with that – maybe, but he definitely won’t be ok with going to get tests done. He won’t want this enough to do that for me.

I want this though, I want it more than anything, however I also can’t imagine my life with a kid, I am always living pay cheque to pay cheque, I am always spending way too much. I could always sell my investment property & make a pretty penny, but that’s for my future, not for now. Not for a non-existent kid. I do wonder that if I hadn’t had been so adamant about not wanting kids to Phoenix, would things be different?!

But it turns out, I am glad I didn’t bother telling anyone because all the signs point to a 2-3% chance of a live birth with my age & my follicles. But to top it off I find out that I have Adenomyosis. The easiest way to describe this, is reverse endometriosis – Endometriosis is more familiar to people – is a condition in which tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus, where as Adenomyosis is a condition where the tissue lining the uterus grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. So interestingly, this is a reason why I don’t like big dicks & say they hurt – because with this condition, sex can be painful. However, this will affect an embryo attaching to my uterus & would likely result in a miscarriage, especially at my age. I know that is a risk no matter what, but this increases the risk significantly & I don’t know if I can put myself through that, financially & emotionally… Also I think that getting one sperm sample from Phoenix would be tricky but I would never get two!

I also now recall that Phoenix has said multiple times – before I even mentioned to him, that I had appointments with the fertility clinic that I was smart not to have kids & that he doesn’t want any more. So I guess that asking for his sperm donation if the testing did go well, would be off the cards. Well that is that. No #IBD4U heir in my future that’s 100% for sure. So I never needed to think about it anyway.

I tell Phoenix, way after it’s all over & all hopes are dashed – I am not sure why. He brings it up a few times, saying I always said I didn’t want kids. & he’s right, I said it but deep down I always thought I would get a partner & I would have kids in my baby making years. I never thought that I would still be single at almost 44 years old, almost desperate for a kid. As much as I said it in this blog that I didn’t want a kid, I did think that before I had my tubes tied that I would have one but I never met someone to have one with. Then when Phoenix married his wife, I figured that there was no one else I wanted to have kids with anyway so that was it for me. He was the only one I saw myself having kids with. I don’t regret anything, my life took the path it took, there isn’t much I can do now besides look towards my next venture, a overseas holiday perhaps. Another property maybe. Definitely a new job. I guess things happen for a reason… So with that revelation, I can’t remember when I actually tell him about the baby thoughts but it’s after I have no real choice anyway… I mean if I had unlimited money & his sperm I would do IVF, but there is no point wasting money I don’t have for a pipe dream.

Today we talk on the phone & sporadically text through out the day. He shows me the a picture of the fruit plate he makes his kids when they get home from work, I love seeing him be a dad. He sends me pictures of his pizzas he made, just general shit that he hasn’t done for a while… I know it’s a Monday night so she’s at work, but you can’t tell me that when she’s home & he’s cooking, that she’s cooking with him like a couple so he could be doing this other days? He’s also recently bought some ice cream maker thing, so he shows me all the stuff he has bought for it, syrups, toppings & things, it’s the first time in a long time that he is sharing so many pictures.

I send him a video of me playing another game I found on the link he sent me when we were talking about Donald Duck, it’s called Mission Impossible & then he starts sending me pictures of old commodore 64 boxes & consoles, saying he’s a sad fucker with his old school joysticks. I never think that he is sad, I think it’s fucking adorable & I love that I have something to talk to him about while I play these old school games. I find a few other games, Burger Time was another one & I tell him that I am not as cool as he through I was but he says I am cooler than him… Maybe I am but he isn’t as geeky as he thinks he is.

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03 June 2025 – Today I am working at Victor Harbor which is closer to his house than my usual office, but he is working all day so can’t come see me. He calls me but I miss it because it doesn’t ring on my phone or watch like usual, so we don’t get his full break to chat, we only get eight minutes, which makes me sad. But he says that we talk all the time. But I think he forgets that if this was a conventional relationship, we would see each other face to face everyday or at least most days, hell we’d be living together at this point, so the fact that I want him to talk to me & see me shouldn’t be that much of a shock.

He asks if I am still working from home tomorrow & I am, so he says that he’ll see me tomorrow but he might come back online to go his grocery shopping – he has told me that he rarely using his phone around her, opting for his Gameboy things or his PC. But didn’t think he needed an excuse to use it around her, particularly since he says he is now a social media influencer, wouldn’t you use your phone more?! It surprises me still, how under the thumb this man is, especially with how he treats me, how he lets her rule his life.

He does come back online & as we’re talking, I say, “I never realised sometimes how much influence I have on you…” He asks what I mean, “I said I like your hair spikey, you kept it longer & spike it… I said I like you in those jeans & you wore them on a date despite you wanting to wear shorts… I said something about the name of your page & you changed it…” It’s hard when you’re in it to see these things but when reading back you notice that these are things that show me how much he wants to please me… He tries to pretend that he always does his hair spikey & that I have no influence over him, so I ask “So what about the jeans then?? You just wear them when you prefer to wear shorts just cos? Or cos your girlfriend said how hot she found them & you wanted her to say it again??” to which he replies “Maybe cos she found me hot 😐”  We talk about Hahndorf & when I took off my panties & he asks how I even came up with it, “Well in 50 shades of grey he makes her take her panties off at the dinner table in a restaurant & he puts them in his pocket & I was like, hmmm… I’ll go to the bathroom & give them too you when I get back, but I just did it in the car…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” & I add, “I wanted you to have them in your pocket… I want going to put in my bag & I thought, nope he can have them & every time he feels in his pocket for something, he’ll feel my panties….” It’s a reminder how sexy I am for him & even if I am not as skinny as his wife, this is what he needs me for. But I opt for a more lovey Dovey response, I find a meme that I send to him, which is todays heart, it’s after he is gone for the night, but maybe I need to be more vulnerable with him so he knows I am all in this…

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04 June 2025 – I found another meme that I send him ‘Love how women set secret deadlines for men, like ‘if he doesn’t reply by 10pm. I’m done’ meanwhile he’s completely unaware that he’s got two hours left on his sentence.’ I add that “You don’t really ever stand a chance against my secret deadlines for you…” He says that he is just normal, but one thing that bothers me, is that this man knows me so well, knows every inch of my body, knows how to read the sex cues I give him. He used to pick up via text when I was down & feeling shit, but pretty much as each affair came to the end, he stopped noticing or stopped caring… Is that’s what’s happening here?!

He comes over around lunch time after work, it’s a sex date because we don’t really have sexless dates anymore – did we ever really have them at all? They only happen when I go to his work for his break, he hasn’t been to my work since the 12 May 2026, almost a month ago… We have hot sex, I am naked & he pushes me on the bed face first, I sort of bring my knees up so I am exposing my cunt to him to fuck me on the edge of the bed, but instead he goes down on me, giving me a very sexy orgasm, I think that he is going to rim me, being my ass is right in his face, I don’t know if he chickens out or if’s it not something that he wants to do, being he had a perfect opportunity to do it & didn’t… We fuck & he cums on me, then we lay there talking, something we don’t really do much anymore either… Maybe we do it more than before V2.0 but it definitely feels like our sex is back to how it was, still with feeling but I am feeling much more disconnected from him…

I am so intrigued about if he actually has ADHD or not – he recently started using it as an excuse for everything, particularly since I was diagnosed with it, so I pack up a little packet of my ADHD drugs for him to take with him in a little clear bag. I say to take them in the morning just in case they do have some sort of effect on him, such as keeping him up at night, usually they should calm you if you need them but if you don’t, they’re basically an upper. I give him a couple of short acting & one long acting – I will be very interested to see how he feels on them when he takes them.

He says after he leaves, “We can still have hot sex and you still cum 😛” Which I am thankful that I am not broken, I had said to him face to face about the ultra sound – which I wasn’t planning on telling him about, but somehow I can’t help it, I want him to know everything abut what is happening in my life. He doesn’t reply to my 4:30pm message until after 900pm. But I didn’t wait up to speak to him, I have been exhausted & I fall asleep without saying good night, but he never said at 4:30pm that he was going for the afternoon… I just can’t keep having the same conversation. I am really over it. I try not to let it bother me, but I just can’t!

#IBD4U

May & June 2025 – Breakfast

31 May 2025 – No good morning, no messages, he just rocks up at my house at 6:00am & gets into bed with me. Honestly, I love he has a key, but it makes me regret giving it to him… We kiss & hug, we fuck but again, I struggle to cum & need to use a vibrator to cum… I am not sure what this is about & why I’ve struggle the last two times with Phoenix, when I have never really struggled before… But I think about other couples, to have sex a women generally needs an emotional connection, for men to give anything emotional, they need sex so I theorise that it’s why a lot of women say no to sex with their partner because he’ll want sex to feel close to her when he is being a dick & she needs that emotional connections prior to just having sex. The last five years when Phoenix was Marvel (& lets face it, acting like Marvel now!) we didn’t have the emotional connection – I mean we did, but we didn’t verbalise it. As I am basically a man & for me to feel close to Phoenix & know he loves me or even likes me, is for us to have sex. But this time around it’s very emotionally connected that now I am not getting the connection; I am struggling to cum with him?! Does that make sense or am I babbling?!

But he proves my theory, because by 7:15am, he is gone… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… He has told me when he started this version of the affair, that he set his kids up to be self sufficient to leave them home alone, in fact when they are both at work on the weekend for a full eight hours plus travel they are home alone & he orders them uber eats, but when he’s organised a smidge of time with me, he has to get home to the kids – after less than two hours! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to take time away from his kids, but it’s not like he really does anything with them anyway? They don’t play sport or do dance, they play video games or watch YouTube, he’s taken them to the park & the beach before & sent me pictures so I’m not saying that they don’t do anything with the kids, I am just saying that at 7:15am, they probably aren’t even up & all he has to do today is his grocery shopping… But somehow when spinning me so much bullshit about wanting to see me as much as he can & wants sexless dates, he’s not really doing a good job of proving that to me…

He does offer up a café lunch tomorrow, I say that I don’t want to take time away from the kids & he has the podcast also to record & other shit to do, but he says “I always have shit to do. Some of that shit is you though. The podcast is in the morning.” Honestly the conversation gets confusing because he’s saying tomorrow will be better but then that’s the whole day away from the kids & he says that nothing is open today – which they are, every café is open for breakfast… We end up picking a place for today, close to him so he isn’t far away. I still don’t understand why he had to rush off this morning after an hour, if he’s meeting me now – I just don’t understand him sometimes.

We get to the café, parking near each other & we walk hand in hand before finding a seat & sitting down. I don’t know if it’s my vibe or his, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be there. I try hard to just push that out of my mind & I order & pay for his breakfast to repay him for Hahndorf when he paid for lunch. I have worn a low cut top so I open my jacket to try to elicit something from him but honestly, it feels forced & even when I try to touch him it just feels like he doesn’t want to be there. The second I finish eating, because of course he finished long before me, he jumps up ready to go. I am deflated again & get up to walk with him, he does walk a different, longer way back to our cars, holding my hand. We kiss at the cars before he says he has to go.

Later that day we are chatting & I noticed a photo we’d both sent each other which were around the same time, early 2000’s & we were in the same rotunda at a park. He confirms that he was at a wedding for his dad’s side & I say that I was at my parent’s wedding renewal & it surprising that we took so long to meet being we were in the same area, he dated someone I worked with, we like the same music & we were seemingly in the same places a lot… It’s like the universe wants us to be together – though someone said to me, or is it the universe telling you that you shouldn’t meet because it puts you in the same places but you never actually meet… Hmmm, interesting!

I tell him that the night I was at this rotunda was the night I got together with Boyfriend, & how we were officially together was him telling people at a NYE party that I was his girlfriend… Phoenix asks if we were discussed if beforehand, which we didn’t so Phoenix thinks that is odd, I mean I know no different, so is it odd? I reply “Hahaha, you’re the only one I’ve ever discussed it with & had the “do you want to be my boyfriend” question…” Which he has to believe because he knows I have been single basically my whole life. I say it’s probably why I’m not a good girlfriend but he says I’m not as bad I think I am, to which I reply, “Besides you tell me I’m a typical grumpy girlfriend all the time.” I don’t want to be grumpy or have him call me grumpy, I know I get moody but most of the time its because I miss him & he’s not giving me any reassurance. “well you have become one now 😛 its annoying sometimes. maybe your work life is affecting your overal moods though who knows.” No Phoenix, maybe it’s you changing the game & then pulling away leaving me confused?!

I explain that it’s the way he’s been talking to me & that he didn’t really touch me at breakfast, I say that I tried to hard to feel some reassurance from him but I just ended up giving up trying to feel anything, he says that he held my hand & kissed me while walking, “I have not backed up, just legit busy, I do work part time, full time parent basically, and work in social media. but I am trying my best to fit you in. and my part time hours have picked up since the other store shut down too. I only worked 3 days a week for the last year until tthe last few months…. and didn’t give a fuck because I could just post shit to fb and earn money and work on side projects. now sometimes I get one or two days off a week like a full time fucking worker.” I work full time with a longer commute & had a side hustle, I do all the cooking, cleaning & gardening, so don’t give me that shit since you were doing all of that before, he has definitely backed off. I say that maybe I should write a blog about it, because then he understands how I feel, “I understand how you feel….but I can’t give you everything. I made that clear from the start.” No he did fucking not make it clear from the start! In fact he said he is committed to this, to putting in effort, & he did, until he got me hooked, maybe he thinks he is putting in effort & look, I agree that he is compared to the last five years, but it has certainly dropped off since he commenced this less that three months ago!

He is definitely different from when he started this A3V2.0 “I don’t think I talk to you any differen’t… I also talk almost daily on the phone to you…. I did try and take your feedback and let you know if I’m going. or if I thoought I would not be able to stay up to risk you not looking like an idiot…. but all that did was annoy you too haha!  and I really do fall fucking asleep with minutes often before 10pm….. sometimes 9pm. I fucking hate it, I hate wasting time sleeping, but my body just caves in. I want to stay up and talk to you I simply just can’t sometimes.” I say that he should go to bed & to forget I said anything “argh I don’t know what to do. Clearly you want more from me. I can’t just forget things.” I never asked for more of him, he offered that up, willingly, now he’s changing the game again. He’s missing what I am saying… I just say go to bed, he says “Well I will go to bed now. and think about it. and worry about it. and think of yo. so Goodnight IBD4U x” But it won’t effect him like it does me… I say goodnight & that I’ll just be annoying, he says “haha you are allowed to be annoying. I’ll think about you as I fall asleep!” Oh am I? Because I’m now feeling like I can’t actually express my feelings…. The interesting thing is, that’s no a surprise, is that he says he’ thinks about it, worry’s about it, but he never changes or gives me any reassurance.

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01 June 2025 – He records the podcast with the chick this morning & says that she didn’t really do any research & he says it felt lame. I mean I can understand why, having tried to so one myself, it can feel very forced, it needs some structure or a good dynamic like breakfast radio.  I thought she was super keen to do this podcast? “I know she’s put money into it , messages me every 2nd day when I ignore her haha, but rhen we organise a day , with like 4 days notice she does no preparation and I do it all haha.”

He randomly calls me, having sent the kids outside to play on the trampoline while he cooks dinner, so we talk for a while. Which definitely helps me feel more connected but it’s just a short time where I feel connected. I know he then texts me after we chat on the phone, so he thinks it’s enough but I am only in love with one person, I only want to speak to him & see him. Maybe it’s because he’s got someone else to talk to as well that he doesn’t see that he is not putting in as much effort as he did at the start?

We talk about sex, I guess we always get onto this topic because I know that he will engage in this conversation, I won’t get grumpy because he’s said something awful or logged off, he says that he does find me incredibly sexy even if I don’t cum, but I say that I hope that next time I don’t get a hatrick & I cum with him. His suggestion is insulting, “Maybe you don’t find me attractive anymore ?” I find him so sexy, so hot, such a turn on & I get wet, so drippy wet, wouldn’t I be dry if I didn’t find him attractive?! At the time, I thought it was vitamin B complex, which I had run out of & just started taking again, but now looking back as I review these posts I wrote, I am wondering if it was the connection fading with him that made me lose my orgasms. I’m reminded of Samantha Jones in Sex & the City when she loses her orgasms because she can’t cry… https://www.instagram.com/reels/C5u1k5GvmNU/

I feel like I am at risk of losing him because of my moods or he’s going to hurt me so badly again, but I never want him to think that I don’t find him attractive, “Phoenix, I want you to know, before you go offline, that I genuinely find you so sexy & I am so turned on by you, I find you so hot…. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t think you’re the hottest man ever – despite what you think… I love your body, I love the way you make me feel…. I love you.”  & all he says is that he loves me too.

Later, we talk about the breakfast, I felt like he didn’t want to be there & now reading back I realise that he wanted lunch today instead of breakfast yesterday, but he was the one that said fuck it lets do it. I mean I was expecting him to stay after he fucked me & go to breakfast from my house, not rush off after an hour. “You called me beautiful yesterday… And said I was sexy…” Which did turn me on, “Yet you still whined I didn’t touch you enough at breakfast.” Because touching me while having sexy & saying nice things isn’t the same as when you’re out for breakfast. “We had sex in the morning… held hands the entire walk… made out before we went out ways … and you Whinge we didn’t touch during the actual breakfast.” But a month ago, when we sat too far apart, he moved to sit closer to me, to touch me, to rest his head on my head & kiss me… He gae me the reassurance I needed, to let my guard down, “Wasn’t intentional… you are just over thinking things.” Maybe I am or is he just gaslighting me?! We were at the café for 40 minutes, he says that’s a lot of time, but I spent more time driving there than I did with him. “I thought you didn’t want to take me away from my kids too long ? I thought it was worth it and loved having breakfast with you ? I’m glad we had a little breakfast date and loved seeing you. Fuck me you are frustrating 😕 You spent the same amount of time driving as the date … I’m sorry if you felt like seeing me was a waste of time..” I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time & I don’t want to take away from his kids, then he says “I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you.” Oh fuck… He is being so honest now & fuck that really hurts that he didn’t want to be there… Why didn’t he just say he couldn’t come?! Why didn’t he just push for the lunch today instead… Fuck, now I feel like even more of a dick for pushing to go & also now for saying anything about the date after the fact. I should have just kept my mouth shut… FUCK…. This hurts so bad… He didn’t want to be there… FUCK.

“I have badly estimated how much you love our dates ! The dates were My idea don’t forget! I was scared to ask you for the first one in fear of rejection that you wanted to spend a day fucking me instead!!! At what point during our walk did I make you feel I didn’t want to be there or touch you ? You forget i have adhd … I can’t sit there forever at a Cafe and just chill too for too long .. I want to get up and do something even if it’s just a walk or something. I’m not one to sit still for long peroids … I’m that bad..”  I am crestfallen, I feel like a twat, “I didn’t want to date because I knew it wouldn’t be able to last & we were built on sex. I’m sorry I made a big deal about breakfast once I’d already seen you. I didn’t realise you didn’t want to go.” I put my phone down feeling like the worlds biggest fuckwit! He didn’t want to be there & I fucking pushed it. “You out of all people should understand how my brain works in a setting of just chilling at a Cafe 😛. I’m not joking when I swear I have adhd … Or just following the social media / doctor trend. Anyway I’m going to head off line , and because I’ve got early start I might no come back online. Do not miss me too much 😛. Chat later xox.” I don’t reply or read it until I start getting messages later on that night, he replies to his message that said ‘I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you’ which says “ Shit, This is a typo! I did want to be there and see you ! Fucks sake !!! Omg  fuckkkkk. I love going on dates with you IBD4U!!!”

When my family leaves, I tell him that I don’t want to make him anything he doesn’t want too & that I’ll let you organise what we do, in future. “I fucked that up. That was a typo!! I swear  I wanted to be there with you …” But I tell him not to worry about it & he says that he does worry & I mean I do too, I don’t want to be an obligation, on top of his busy schedule. “You are not an obligation. I want to see you and make time for you.” His words say he does, but his actions are saying he doesn’t.

#IBD4U