Category: Uncategorised

April 2025 – Special to me

03 April 2025 – There are no words to how I feel re-reading that interaction, knowing I would not have been defended, knowing that people were talking about something that is untrue & having a fucking good laugh… I snap & then put my phone down for a bit “Well if that’s all people have to talk about, I suggest they get a life…” How fucking sad that my belly button got so much airtime…. Phoenix says that he bets I thought he would never find out that I fucked Cowboy, I say that I don’t even understand how that is getting passed around or why. “People pass everything around the chat app. People just love gossip. Or to make people jealous … Like how did I come up in convo between cowboy and his mistress? Then how the fuck did you then come up in their convo lol. So weird. I wasn’t in groups with him often. Somehow it got back to him i was good friends with her. And then somehow you fucking him got back to me. They would see each other once a week. Both obviously married.” God he’s so dumb, Cowboy’s Mistress clearly told them both, trying to cause shit. He does say right at the end, “BTW I did defend you and and told her I never noticed that or I thought that of you …” Sure you did… I don’t know why I am not more upset at Phoenix for his part, but I say “I’ve ever heard of anyone having a smelly belly button, so if that’s all the oompa loompa had to say, then whatever.” Fuck sake… Phoenix tells me that he kept it from me because he thought it was stupid & because he did warn me not to fuck Cowboy…. I am still snippy so I send “Well I have stinky breath & vagina yesterday so, you can go compare notes.”

He agrees that my mouth smelt, then he says “What the fuck happened to your self confidence in 5 years? You just get weird sometimes in your confidence. Way more than you used too. Things seem to affect you more than they used too. You used always be super confident online no matter what.” Um, did I? What he doesn’t realise is that it was all fake, I have never had confidence, doesn’t he know that from the fact that I use sex to get boys to want to date me (which went so well!) & besides “When someone says you stink… I think that’s pretty standard to loose confidence.” I jump in the shower, I feel gross, I feel dirty, I feel ugly & unsexy. I am humiliated & deflated. I send him a snap of me washing my belly button with a soap, trying to lighten how I am feeling – again faking it, but I can’t shake this awful feeling. I think now he is just trying to over compensate now because he knows this has made me feel so shit “You have never been stinky for me ever. Your belly button , even your vag … I don’t even know how you do it sometimes. Well normally … they get stinky haha. Like after a day or gym or something. Yours has never been haha. Either that or your high level of self lubricating cleans it for you. But yeah. Never been stinky for me! And I went down on you most times lately we fucked inc my monthly visits. Well just saying, You have good hygiene 🤷‍♂️” Is he trying to tell me that his wife’s vagina stinks? He says he’s never gone down on her, so maybe it smells?! URGH, I don’t want to think about her vagina…

He logs off to go about his life & my brain goes into overdrive, “Let me preface this with an apology cos I can’t help my stupid over thinking brain, but you’ve had 5+ years over multiple conversations about cowboy to tell me he thought my belly button was stinky… Just makes me think that you think it’s stinky or that I am stinky & didn’t know how to tell me… 😳” Again I think he is overcompensating again…“it only popped up in my head when I read the entry in the blog a few weeks ago. you are overthining that. I have never smelt your belly button or noticed any smells from it ever. before or after that convo with her. and it is something I thought was a stupid and really random to remember from having sex with someone. I legit do not think this in any shape or form. and the only reason the memory was trigger was because of your blog. I had forgotten about it until I read that entry, I swear to whatever bullshit god you might beleive in. random things can trigger my memory, and sometimes I can have a good memory. things were pretty fragile and new with us when I was told it, and I was more focuses on the reality of the situation that you had actually fucked him rather than his personal dig at your hygiene. I think you have great hygiene!” Great hygiene?! I just think it’s so fucking weird “It’s just a random thing to tell someone, who then tells someone else…. Who knows they’re seeing that person….” Haven’t I had enough drama in this relationship?!

I love the sexless dates, but obviously not as much as Phoenix “Are you not super proud we went like a solid 3 hours without fucking ? Like we actually talked, got to have a walk, and have lunch and stuff. And a drive. And not fuck each other all day.” Proud probably isn’t a word I would use, I mean we never had sexless dates because his phone was tracked & I barely got an hour with him during the first affair, despite me making up excuses for him all the time & same with affair two, so I gave up on trying to get him to see me more but by affair three it was just me putting in the effort so we were never going to get a sexless dates. I would be proud if we had unlimited time together & all we did was fuck & now we’re having sexless dates, but we saw each other so sporadically in the past, it was always a few days apart that we were ready for sex again… “Not proud, but I absolutely loved being with you… I loved every touch, hand hold, chit chat shit, eating with you… Drive with you… Laughing & being ourselves.” But he is happy with himself & that’s all that matters to me “I think it took some resistance. We are fuckin terrible sexualy with each other. I’m proud.”

I suggest “So next time we organise a full on date, we don’t have sex. We just have the date.” He asks if I can actually do that, “I’ll try to fuck you at the end… 🤷🏼‍♀️ I am only human after all… And if we were put on this earth with this much sexual chemistry, honesty & friendship… Who are we to deny the world that collision of our bodies…” But he wants more than that, “Because. I don’t want to be just sex to you in person. That’s why.” He is not just sex to me, but I do want to fuck him. He asks what he was then, I simply say “My best friend.” That he replies “That you just fucked every time” well that was a timing issue, but I say “Who I wanted to fuck all the time. Yes.” Then he says “Hahaha. I love you #IBD4U” Which catches my breath, I say it back to him & tell him he is more than sex to me. He mentions looking for food for me. “Yes I did want you to enjoy some sort of proper food with me that was soft enough that wasn’t a shitty smoothie. And checked every fuckin specials menu board for you. But you were not meant to notice !!!” Oh I noticed, not right away, I just thought he was looking for something he wanted, but I fucking worked it out eventually, “I loved that… That made me feel so loved… I noticed… I adored that.” I have never felt more loved & special than I did that morning, “Dammit ! Goodnight my nectarine !” He reads my last message & says goodnight “That’s what’s special to me…!! No one has every given a fuck about that for me before… Don’t even think my family would do that tbh.”

After he logs off, I send him something to wake up too “A little late night rant for you, my handsome, sexy Phoenix. I never want you to feel anything less than special to me. Special to me is you searching everywhere for soup for me. Bringing me flowers. Wanting to spend non-sex time with me. Buying my favourite ice cream. Sharing your healthy food tips with me. Buying me jewellery. Meeting me for lunch. Holding my hand (barely letting go on the drive & walk). Picnicing at the beach. Sending songs that remind us of us. Talking/texting for hours on end & still having shit to say. The list goes on… I will do eveything to prove to you that you are special & more than just sex to me. If that means controlling my cunt while in your presence, I will do it. But just know that, I want you in every way possible, so I will be thinking about fucking you… Even when I don’t mention it. I promise you, that I do want more sex less dates (said no one ever, but us!! 😋) & I can’t wait to just hang out with you more when we can. I love you Pookie. I hope this puts a smile on your dial for the day. Xxx”

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04 April 2025 – “Haha that has made me smile while waking up. We started this thing off in very weird circumstances, (fwb, me cheating, you with multiple sexual partners) so I’ve always tried to convince myself I wasn’t special which obviously still happens to this very day , I’m sorry I do that.” & because of the circumstances, our relationship was built on sex. We had limited time & never knew when we were going to see each other again, the sex is soooooo good, so we did it every time…  He adds, “It obviously was never meant to get to the stage where we loved each other or ‘got special’ to each other. But here we still are.” I don’t know if I can deal with him not feeling special to me, because fuck he is so fucking special, maybe not in the way he made up he was, “I just hate that you feel like everyone one else that could not be further from the truth… You were special to be from the start because you loved me back & obviously that happened cos we were both so desperate to show each other how good we were… Mainly at sex. It was built on sex but it’s eveything else that matters to me.”

We then talk about why I am up so early & it’s because my dog has woken up vomiting & not only did she just vomit, she had vomited up shit – he asks “like poop?” which I say yes, he first says dogs are gross & that he’s never known a dog to do that & it’s why he’s a cat person, but then a few sentences later, he says that his dog eats cat shit.. & when he fed them crap food, his dogs ate it, so it was such a weird convo, but the point of explaining this is I said that I usually pick up the poo as quickly as I can, & I do it daily, but because I hadn’t been 100% I hadn’t picked it up for the last few days when he says “I would of picked it up for you if you asked” Would he have really?! I can’t imagine him doing some household chores for me, when he doesn’t live with me… I mean I was perfectly fine I could have done it, I was just being lazy! He also mentions about how much he likes that I have dogs – not because he likes the dogs but because they have made my house messy & it no longer looks like a show home. I love my dogs but their hair is so fucking annoying, I hate that he notices it, I make an effort to clean when he is coming over, particularly my sheets but he says he’s always covered in hair & thankful that he has pets to blame their hair.

Something he won’t understand & doesn’t but I am very orderly so I have things in their place, even in my fridge, which the couple of days he was here before we went to Victor he messed up the drinks & other things as a joke but also to see how long I would last, which I left it because he was coming back the next day but when I knew he wasn’t coming back I put everything back where it should be. I may have OCD not ADHD! Hahaha. He tells me “You know I’m going to fuck with your fridge every time now.” Yeah I don’t doubt that to be perfectly honest! It’s weird when we’re kids we’re taught as little girls that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you… I guess this isn’t being mean but if a guy is being cheeky with you in this way, it means he likes you, right? “You fucking around with my fridge is funny & cute… (for now!!) & that’s special to me… I don’t think anyone has ever noticed my organisation in my fridge.” He won’t get it, & he won’t get the things I find special to our relationship…

He talks a lot about work & how much of a struggle his first year at this new job was because of the store he was at & then he got moved & was then appreciated that things were better for him. He says that when he gets down he pushes people away. He says that he was given bad reviews at work all the time (why wasn’t he fired? I get told how great I am, then am fired a week later!) but he says “So yeah I push away. If I ever push you away. It means I’m struggling.” I guess that was true when he was getting married & had the baby, he pushed me away, pushed me away so much so I ended it. I tell him that he gets really mean too when he’s pushing me away & he says it’s his natural defence. I usually use humour as my defence, like if I a make a joke about me being single or fat to you, I do it so I can put it out there that I already know so I don’t need you to tell me, sort of thing.

Our conversations jump from talking about us not being able to kiss this week but still having hot as fuck sex, to me calling him hot & him saying that I never call him hot, to me never being hugged & loving his hugs, to food, to both of us saying how much we’ve be loving the new dynamic of phone calls. I tell him that we need a topic board because when he goes offline I still have so many things to say but then forget when he comes back online because then we talk about something else & I forget.

I do mention “I still can’t get over your reaction to my blog… Everytime I look at my bracelet, I think how stuoid I was to think you’d hate me…” He should hate me, I don’t think I would feel the same as he does, but I am thankful that he does. “There isn’t alot of awful things I said in the blog. Don’t get me wrong. There is some in there. But the positive outweighs the negative. And I 100% have been bad to you. Sometimes I was genuinely being mean. And it’s not funny… Calling you a slut post affair. That oddly just spurred you on. Telling you about my sex life with me wife. Which oddly just spurred you on. That was all done to intentially hurt you. I wanted you to hate me.” I always wonder why he didn’t just block & ghost me, why he had to hurt me & make me hate him, if he stayed away from the fucking groups when he came back on the chat app with his ever so kinky wife, I never would have known about it. But he tells me “I did not want to feel special to you. I was hoping if I pushed you enough. I would stop loving you. You would give me a reason to hate you. And I was trying my hardest. To give you a reason to hate me.” He still could have blocked me! When he came back I told him about going to maslins & the sex parties to get his attention that I was kinkier than she was, that I was more fun, but he took it as he wasn’t cool enough for me, so he stayed with her. Not saying that things would have been different but if I wasn’t trying so hard to try to impress him, but maybe my whole life would be different.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Belly Button

02 April 2025 – The funny thing is that Phoenix says that I was the only one during the first affair towards the end & the second affair was a different story that he was chatting too, because I had Motocross (which I clearly didn’t) he thought it was fair game when he rejoined the chat app to stalk me that he could chat to others. But for me, affair two I was so fucking open with him, spouting how much I loved him so he knew, so he believed me, thinking it would change something between us. But now I realise that he was not in it at all, he was weeks away from getting married, he was chatting to other women who were doing everything they could to piss me off publicly in groups & I sat there like a fucking fool thinking I was actually making a difference. When I realised I wasn’t, I ended it… But of course Phoenix has made up his mind that he was the fool for telling me he loved me in the first affair when I had the same friendship with Rob Rob as I did with him – which is fucking bullshit, I never had the same friendship with Rob Rob & still don’t… He didn’t even know my name for years… Rob Rob & I have the same birthday, but I didn’t know that for years either. I knew nothing about him & the sex talk was usually Rob Rob asking me what I did with Phoenix.

He says “Clearly I had too much competition.” But is he kidding me?! “Clearly you had none, cos I’m still fucking you 8 years later & barely talk to anyone else.” There is no one else, the friendship he read about is 100% not at all like he thinks it is… I tell him he can go through my phone, I have nothing to fucking hide. I barely chat to anyone, Phoenix & I were barely chatting too, I haven’t chatted to anyone regularly in a really long time. He still thinks that I would have fallen for them if they put in more effort… I don’t agree, I was never interested in them like I was instantly with Phoenix. I saw his tiny profile picture & I wanted him. I haven’t ever done that with anyone else ever. If there was such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me! I don’t even know how we get onto this & fight “How do we have a great time together, make some of the specialist of memories for me, then we go our separate ways & fight over my blog…?? “ For fuck sake… “Well I wasn’t fighting originally… But then I got pissed off. Fyi. I was not thinking about fucking anyone during the last 3 months of our affair…and hardly touching my wife (which is what made her suspect it), hardly pmd anyone but you too. But I was just part of a list of married men 🤷‍♂️” Sorry, how was I supposed to know he barely touched her?! Firstly she’d just had complications towards the end of he pregnancy & he has to help her with everything, then she just had a fucking baby so she shouldn’t have been having sex anyway but I somehow found out, assuming he told me but I can’t remember, that they had sex three weeks after the baby was born so bull fucking shit he barely touched her in the last three months because of me!

Then it’s like a switch goes off in his head “I’m literally being fucking stupid about something from 7 years ago lol. I’m stupid for even caring about it. I’m sorry for bringing it up again. I missed kissing you so much over the last 2 days.” I agree with him about the kissing, I fucking missed it & I tell him that I am glad he cares but yeah we keep bringing up the past & it’s all we fight about. I wish he could really see past the shit that he is focusing on & see that he is the most special person to me, ever. I wanted this man wholey & soley in my life, forever. So much so that eight years later I am still in this with my walls crumbling, not brick by brick, they all came down the second he said he wanted to make an effort with me. (even if I deny it!) It’s like he’s finally got clarity somehow “At the end of the day every decision you made, or friendship or you just experimenting your sexual side. Lead to you meeting me and fucking me. I’m all part of a big story that wouldn’t happen. If you were not that way.” If I hadn’t been through everything I went through, I wouldn’t have been open to what we became… He realises that I was learning how to be vulnerable, how to love, how to be with someone without using sex to get them to like them, he taught me so much & I needed to go through all that shit to get to where we are today. “You didn’t even know you had feelings for me. You didn’t even know you loved me. I had to tell you lol. And the only reason I told you. Was because it was happening to me.” It’s like he’s read the part where I am still unsure what I am feeling. It’s interesting reading back on that & the evolution of my feelings & when I realised it.

As we talk about how he thinks I got close to ending it with him during affair one, which I did but couldn’t ever go through with it, he says “I think I subconsciously wanted to get caught .. It was becoming extremely hard.” Oh I know he wanted to get caught because he wouldn’t end it with her & he wouldn’t end it with me, so if he got caught it would be up to one of us to end it & he wouldn’t have to choose. She had more than I did to hold him, I was a secret. No one knew about me & he told everyone it was just sex so of course no one in his life was in my side & told him to leave her for me. “I can assure you though. It’s not as easy and simple for me as you think. I would never recommend anyone to have an affair. Unless it’s a once off. And just the whole mind fuck being in love with someone single with no rules and experiencing with sex and trying not to be jealous. And having no right to impose any rules. It’s fucked. And so hard.” I know it’s hard but he chooses to do it anyway & he chooses how he treats me… “And the last 3 months of our first affair and the entire 2nd affair was hard on me, you probally got it way worse however! Yeah it’s even worse for me… It’s why I justify everything you did and the reason why you justified itt. I deserved it .Was part of the deal. I saw it basically as a punishment.. Not intentional on your side…” After finding out stuff he was doing in affair two, I realise now that he was not even interested in me during that time, so I call bullshit that it was hard on him then. Funnily enough he says “If I had it my way during the first affair I would of banned you from anything sexual with anyone haha…no couples , no kink, no single men, no dates. And I was like that around 3 month mark” What he doesn’t realise is that I barely spoke to anyone, went on dates or fuck anyone else, he’s read my blog & thinks I was doing way more than I did. & how could he ban me when he was fucking his wife!! He fucking got her pregnant! Funny as I have this thought, he messages “So I made it a point to never ask that of you. And tried to hide my jealously as best as I could. Even if it made me jealous , or once I got feelings it started to hurt. But I’m sure knocking up my wife hurt you 🤷‍♂️” His way of dealing with me fucking someone else or talking to someone else was to make me feel bad about it or make me jealous by flirting with someone else, rather than just asking me not to fuck anyone else. I agree that I was hurt & he says “You got hurt the mosr. You always got the worse end. I’m not going to deny that. We never set many boundaries. You did nothing wrong.” Fuck, I can’t believe that he is admitting this shit to me… Who the fuck is this guy?! The one that only a few days ago (maybe a week) was rubbing in my face that he would have fucked Cowboys Mistress & even had her address, but she lived too far away… He’s bi-polar, I can’t keep up, my head is spinning!

Then as he has to go that afternoon, he says “I might leave it here. Cos I’ll be gone soon. And you hate me suddenly disappearing See its hard to say good bye and easier to disappear!” Fuck is he finally getting it? Yeah easier for him to just leave me hanging rather than saying goodbye cos it’s hard for him to do so, “Noooo. I do miss you. All the fuckin time.” Well that’s at least good to know… Hahaha.

Later he tells me “We needed to have that walk. Was a nice thing to do. We didn’t do anything sexual the entire time. We should of done that a long time ago.” I say something that I don’t think he’ll believe but every sexual experience I’ve had has basically been fuelled with alcohol, there are a few sober moments with men, but not many where I haven’t at least had one drink. But ironically, there is one time I have had two alcohol drinks with Phoenix, one wine the first night we fucked & on the day of the threesome, I had one drink because he brought two.

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03 April 2025 – I get a good morning message for when I wake up that I say good morning back “I love waking up to messages from you. Makes me smile everyday.” Something so mundane that I think that if we lived together I wouldn’t get so I treasure these messages, because I also think that’s part of what keeps the spark alive with us, is that we make more of an effort because we don’t get to see each other all the time, “I’m glad after all these years a simple morning message still makes you smile !” I wish I was able to be the first to send him messages sometimes but he’s always up just at 4:00am. He says that I make him smile, especially when I call him Buttercup – still trying to find a nickname that I like for him.

He casually adds in “Oh yeah I’m working both days this weekend if you wanted to catch up for lunch on Sunday.” I can see this weekend lunch break date becoming a regular thing, that I even start scheduling my clients after 10:30am on a Saturday so I can make sure that I have time to see him on his 9:00am/9:30am break. I don’t mind going to see him for a shot sexless break, I would have done it every fucking weekend if he asked me too… I hope that by the weekend I will be able to kiss him again, I have missed it & he says “I gotta admit. It was fucking hard not kissing you! And I missed it soooo much.” I think this has a double meaning, not just the last few days but also seeing me & kissing me as much as we have in the last few weeks. Seeing each other a couple of times a week since this weird phase started.

As we’re talking about the fact that I have a UTI from sex this week, which is weird because I am on antibiotics for my mouth, it’s a mild UTI & it’s weird I am so open to tell him, but I want to be more open about this kind of stuff, This is the stuff Boyfriend had a problem with because I wasn’t open about it with him. I remind Phoenix that its probably because he’s started this new thing of rubbing my clit really lightly until I am gyrating my hips into his hand & cumming against him. I say that I think I did go to the toilet, but I cannot genuinely say if I showered or not after he left. It gets us onto what could be the most fucking exasperating conversation we have… “Also that wouldn’t of helped … if you didn’t shower. Your body… or cunt didn’t smell… 🤷‍♂️ Haha that reminds me. Cowboy thought your belly button stunk when he fucked you. I never told you that haha. I’ve personally never noticed it tho.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?!  “But I’m not going sniffing there either.. Apparently it smelt? The day you fucked him. You didn’t clean it out properly.” Firstly why oh why does Phoenix have to bring this shit up knowing how I feel about my past & why now when we are in a good place, because all it does is remind me how much of a fuckwit Cowboy was & that Phoenix was talking intimate details about me to Cowboys Mistress – but apparently I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else about Phoenix!!

I don’t even know how Cowboy smelt it & how fucking stinky it must be for him to notice it… “And this got passed onto me lol. Apparently he did somehow 🤷‍♂️” I don’t think that needed to be said, clearly it got passed around the chat app, I feel like such a fucking fool, the fucking laughing stock of the chat app & I think the thing that is making me the most angry here, is that Phoenix would not have defended me to Cowboy’s Mistress at all, they flirted in the chat app public groups in front of me while having a fucking private chat about my supposedly stinky belly button… This is a new level of humiliation I have never felt before… “So glad I was so popular on the chat app people talked about the scent of my belly button.” So many things over the last eight years with Phoenix have made me feel so fucking stupid, so foolish, so dumb. But this, this is just fucking malicious & invasive, to top it off, this was over five years ago & I am just finding it out now… Phoenix tries to write it off “Hahaha I’m just curious how it even came up in convo between the two… Pretty sure he got jealous haha. She made it out that she was fucking me. So he must of told her out of jealousy.”

So Cowboy knew I was with Noodle but it had ended by the time I even considered meeting him. Then over a year later, Silverlining came back online, finds Cowboys Mistress & even though Silverlining was apparently not putting his persona out there that he is the same person as Noodle, he told her that he’s fucking me. She then realises that I fucked Cowboy once, so she tries to make me jealous & Cowboy tries to make her jealous, all at my expense?! Someone who didn’t know Cowboys Mistress & someone who didn’t know Cowboy was married or had a mistress when I met him… So I am just the laughingstock. Fuck, I understand why Phoenix’s wife was having a good laugh when she made Phoenix bring her to my street under the guise of a panic attack for cheap beauty treatments, while I didn’t do anything to her – I am not committed to her or know her, I understand her vendetta against me, but I never did anything to Cowboys Mistress… I didn’t know Cowboy was married so I didn’t know he had a mistress!! What’s worse, if it’s the person on the chat app that I think it is, I am pretty sure I chatted with her, even sharing a song with her… FUCK. Writing this blog, I feel like such a fucking wanker, that looking back now as I post these, I probably should have walked away from this A3v2.0 with Phoenix right then & there!

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Victor Harbor #2

01 April 2025 – We drive home, holding hands, me tickling his neck & the back of his head, something I have discovered he loves, his hand on my leg, just chatting about shit. I was expecting, as this is really the first real drive with him, that we would listen to music more & not talk. Music is a thing for us, we like similar music, we like lyrics, we notice them. I am thinking that we’ll have some quiet time in the car where the music with permeate & I’ll notice what was playing when the background music turns into the only noise in the car. However, the conversation doesn’t stop, we just dribble shit about everything & anything. It’s still so easy, even though we talked the whole walk around the island, we talked all lunch & the whole time we were eating ice cream. How do we have so much to say? Over text our main topics are sex & food, but face to face, yes we talk about both of those, but not a lot. We don’t have a common interest of chatting in a chat group online anymore & talking about the people in the groups like we have done before. But we talk non stop.

I also mention about geocaching & say that we should look for one & he seems really keen to do it, I guess it’s something different that I’ve never told a man about, ever… I look up the app & tell him to pull into the look out. I use the app to give us the location & we start looking, he seems less keen to get in the bushes, but I have found more than 300 of these & you get used to being in a weird spot & looking in a bush. Sometimes the GPS is a bit off, so we walk around the same spot for a while until I find it & show him what we’re looking for. The thing is that it’s different every single time, but I love that we have found one together. He doesn’t really say too much about it, so I just figure that he think I’m a mega geek, but whatever, it’s something different & if he wants to be special to me, then shit like this is fucking it!

We get home (I love saying we get home!), I get a parcel & the whole time I am opening the parcel he is behind me rubbing my tits, for someone who said we’re not having sex all day, he’s not doing a very good job of resisting me! Within a few minutes of hugging we are stripping each other & fucking over my kitchen table! He makes me sit on the table, then lifts me off & turns me around pounding me from behind. We then head into my bedroom to fuck – so much for not having a lot of sex!!

I think the hardest part of today, was not kissing. Since we’ve been in A3v2.0 we’ve been kissing a lot more, actual tongue pashing – which we did before but I feel like he didn’t use his tongue as much as he does now. We did kiss but not like this & I fucking miss it, even though it’s just been one day. I didn’t really want to kiss him because my fucking breath is rank but also because my mouth is a little sore, I don’t know what his saliva could do to my skin graft healing. I did not pay $4k for the fucking graft to fail. Not kissing while walking was ok, I mean we did a little but just pecks here & there. But not kissing while fucking was so god damn hard & on the stalker video surveillance, I can tell we both struggled with him, him probably because my breath was so gross. I know I said that I wouldn’t kiss Referee if I fucked him for $2500 but that’s not someone I adore & love & think is the sexiest man on the planet for me.

When we are dressed & he is about to leave, I pluck up the courage to give him his present, it’s in a little box that is sort of like a noodle box, he ditches that on the table & takes the keys out of the box. He sort of has this weird look briefly until he realises what it is. They are keys to my house, keys to unfettered access to me. I wish I remember the conversation better because I know he was surprised & thankful that he got a key to my house & he can see they are brand new keys that I had cut. Later he messages to thank me for the keys but says that he wasn’t asking for a key the other day – what he doesn’t know is that when we had that conversation about the key, I already had them for him. “You didn’t ask but I wanted you to have one. I had it cut last week. Brand new, no one has used it…. All yours.” He was going to be getting the no matter what. I don’t think he’ll ever use them without me knowing, but now at least when he plans to come over, like today when I could have been asleep due to the pain medication, he will be able to get in.

He tries to call me & then messages to say that he left his shoes at my house. I ask him if he needs me to meet him somewhere quickly – I know he is going out with friends tonight for a birthday dinner so if he needs them, I can meet him quickly. He says that he will come get them tomorrow, so I smile like a dickhead that he is going to come see me again tomorrow… He says that he hopes he didn’t disappoint me because of the lack of sex, I mean we had sex twice & they were pretty decent sessions, so I am certainly not disappointed. “I mean… No you don’t…. I want sex with you at all times but I love the non sex date with you.. I can’t imagine many guys looked at 10 different menus to find something soft for me to eat… Then ordering mashed potato. And chips cos I wanted them.” He says that he was expecting me to be a bit more sleepy, but he was the one who wanted to go to Victor Harbor!

He goes on a high school tour for his soon & later he tells me I left my jumper in his car – Fuck – it was not one of those  ‘leave something behind so she finds it’ moments, I hope that he doesn’t think that it was, I have had so many opportunities to do that, I have never done it, I am not going to do it now… His wife has a basically brand new car so they don’t take his car out as a family anymore, so he’s hoping she won’t notice but he’s going out for dinner with friends so he’s taken her car, but says that the kids didn’t notice it. He also says that he hopes she doesn’t go through his car – um?! Is that likely?! He said he’s hidden the key under the mat & my jumper under his jumper…  I mean it was a grey jumper, not like it was hot pick or something… I don’t know why but I just assume I am never going to see that jumper again. I ask why he wouldn’t take his own car knowing there is evidence in his car, he says that hers was packed behind. He’s MIA while out with friends, he doesn’t say anything about disappearing that I fall asleep & don’t see the messages that he sends me when he gets home.

---

02 April 2025 – The next day he is at my house after school drop off to the camp, he’s been messaging me all morning when I think would be the peak time to be dropping his son off & being with his wife, around 8:00am/8:30am. But he can message freely & is at my house shortly after 9:30am. I feel like my breath is worse today but there is not much I can do about it, I do have stiches in my mouth! He gets to use his key when he gets here because I leave the door locked & stay in bed. Like yesterday he meets me in bed & lays down with me before we have sex – so much for sexless dates & not having sex with me because we ‘can’t have sex all day’, isn’t that what he said?! Hahaha… Sucker.

We get up & I make some more crumpet protein bowls for breakfast. I love just hanging out with him doing the most mundane things like cooking breakfast together. I know that if we lived together that he would probably be in the other room on his computer or some shit, I know our situation is more intimate because we don’t get much time together that this is not normal behaviour, but I am loving that I can pretend that this is how we would be if we were living together. Oddly, I had bought some oxyshred drinks which were so disgusting, that Phoenix liked, so I kept them for him to drink. He helps himself to drinks in my fridge, just sitting there waiting for breakfast chatting to me, but often getting up to stand behind me rubbing my boobs.

It’s funny watching the security camera videos because I don’t notice how much he paces until I look back the videos, usually because I watch them in fast forward as there is no sound on them so it’s just him walking around at double time, then going to my fridge multiple times to look inside it. While he is sitting at the bench stool, I often go up to him & hug him, being that me standing & him sitting we are the same height, it’s kinda cute to watch, I know people can fake it & couples fake affection all the time but I can see in his hugs & touches that he is feeling the same as me, that being here with me like this is how it should be.

After breakfast we go back into my room, we have sex , I have a really intense orgasm – as I am about to cum, I grab his wrists & put them above his head, squeezing them hard, I use that as leverage to ride him at an angle that feel so good, I cum really really hard & must make a weird noise because he asks me if something is wrong, no I just came really hard & different to normal… It was sooo good but I don’t think I can have much more sex with him. So we lay there, touching & enjoying each other’s company. Just before 2:00pm he is adamant he has to go, saying that he has to pick up his groceries & his daughter from school, but I am a petulant child not wanting him to leave…  The last two days have been the best days ever that I don’t want it to end, if he goes home then it’s over & I’m back to work tomorrow… We both agree that time went too fast though both days.

When he is waiting for his daughter to finish school, he sends a mini rant “So the most important thing I got to learn from reading your blog, was that it was okay for me to be friends with you, to love you, and even show you affection …. I mean I took a risk because the last post you made about wanting that from me was a year or two old … But it showed me it was okay to let my guard around you. And that you wanted it and missed it. And I wanted it and missed it too. But never wanted to admit it to you.” The post was posted almost 15 months ago but it was written almost two years ago so I agree with him that it was a bit of a risk on his behalf, but he can fucking see it when he was with me that he could come back to me like this anytime he wanted. He says that he never wanted to cut me off & always wanted to be friends with me, this whole time. I say that I am just cautious because he’s cut me off before “I’ve cut you off once due to circumstances outside of my control but we did keep touch to some extent. And the second time you cut me off… Not me. I was too scared too ever go back to that account and find nothing from you. I stopped checking after a week and never did it again. I sent the last messages…” I cut him because he made me feel so insignificant, he was publicly flirting with someone else in groups, while I was pouring my heart out thinking it would make a difference, then he pushed me to the edge because he was getting married…. So I’d say that I cut him because of the circumstances beyond my control. & the think that’s fucked about him not checking because he didn’t want to see that I hadn’t sent anything, but fuck does he know how it feels to check & see nothing from him when he said he’d chat when he could!? He says he deleted everything in fear of meaning nothing to me but the stupid thing about deleting everything is that I then had no way of contacting him. I couldn’t contact him on any of his real accounts, so him deleting all the fake accounts meant he didn’t want to be found again by me…

I tell him that I was never going to let my guard down with him again but he’s making it so fucking hard. I can pretend the wall is up but it is so fucking down, it is barely grains of sand at this point. I am in this. All in this. I have just given him keys to my house! “Yeah never thought you would give me keys again… That’s insane. It actually makes me feel even more special after everything. You are willing to do that.” It was the perfect gift for our situation now “So anyway, I wanted to give you a key, that makes you finally realise that you’re special to me, now matter who I fucked, where or how many times or if he was married… Something that showed you how much I trust you after eveything & how much I love you.”

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Victor Harbor

01 April 2025 – I wake up day one post-surgery & my breath is RANK. I can smell it, I can taste it. I don’t think I am a person that has smelly breath for the most part, despite what Phoenix would say about our first sex meeting where I had garlic breath, but it’s not a stinky mouth as such, especially in the mornings. But this is fucking gross, I am so conscious of it, that I look at my messages, he says he’ll be here after 8:00am, I get up, sort the dogs, open the roller door, unlock the front door, give my mouth a rinse with the medicated mouth wash & get back into bed.

I am not as groggy as I thought I would be, my mouth isn’t that sore, I was expecting my gums to hurt & throb because they did a deep clean while I was asleep, but no real pain at all, just one side of the roof of my mouth has stitches which sort of feels like the roof of my mouth has been burned & there is fishing wire up there. The gum graft itself is against my lower lip so it’s not painful, but I can feel the fishing line type stiches against my inner lip, which is scratching. I realise again that the stiches aren’t dissolvable, I have to have these in for two weeks. Fuck I hope my breath doesn’t smell for that long! I tell him that he needs to be prepared & he says that he wasn’t planning on pashing me all day anyway. I say that he’s not going to be able too & he says “I know hence why I said we shouldn’t be having sex from fhe d. Start!.” I say that we will see about sex & he snaps my name, misspelling it with a Z & says that, “You don’t always need to fuck me.” I tell him that it’s not always about him, but I look like shit also. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to fuck me based on looks & smell… I have no lashes on & no makeup to counteract the lack of lashes, my breath smells, fuck this is not a good look!

He walks in & I am in bed, I am not as tired as I thought I would be but I’ve gotten back into bed, avoiding pain killers because I don’t want to sleep all day – like the infamous Origin night, he walks into my room with a bunch of flowers & a tub of connoisseur cookies & cream ice cream – my favourite! He puts the flowers down on my bed side table, not actually giving them to me, but fuck… He got me flowers – again! He even sort of shakes the ice cream in my direction, not really giving that to me either or showing me, before he goes to put it in my freezer. Fuck he is the cutest! I love that he has probably just gone to the supermarket to get it with some flowers – though even supermarket flowers aren’t cheap & shitty like they used to be, but I don’t care if he picked sour sobs from my front lawn & gave to me, I fucking love it. I don’t care where they are from or how much they are worth; I adore the gesture & love that he thought to buy me flowers & ice cream because I had surgery. I fucking love this man so much.

He climbs into bed with me & we kiss a little, I am more worried about our lips touching hard together & knocking the stitches, or smacking our teeth together, not that we’ve ever done that before but today will probably be the day! I also mention that I won’t be able to suck his dick or put my cummy fingers in my mouth, I think the bacteria from penis & vagina juices might cause a problem & he agrees. But I have been given a course of antibiotics anyway as a preventative measure, which I am not that happy about, I don’t love antibiotics.

He doesn’t want to lie around all day having sex & says that we can’t just lay here all day. I am not feeling too bad & haven’t taken any additional pain relief this morning, I did pop a Nurofen only but was given something harder by the anaesthetist which I don’t think I even took last night. Because I am naked, he is rubbing me all over & I want sex, which he says I can’t have it & that we have to go out for the day because I can’t be moaning & have my mouth open or bite down when I cum, so we have to go out. Okay, okay, we’ll go out but sex first! He gets me going just from running his hands all over me, that I push him back on the pillows & I say ‘just a quick orgasm & then I will happily go out.’ I slide down over his cock, I fuck him till I cum – probably multiple times to be perfectly honest – I don’t notice that I bite down when I cum, so I think he was just using that as an excuse… When we are done, we get up & get ready to go out. I am conscious of something he has said about his wife & her getting ready. That it takes forever, she has to iron the clothes that she is going to wear & then obviously he has to get the kids ready too, so it takes hours to get out the house. It’s a cooler day so I do put on jeans & a cross over top with sneakers. In my haste to be quick, I don’t even put on mascara or makeup. Luckily, I always wear sunnies so I have my bald eyes covered.

The plan is to drive to Victor Harbor & walk around Granite Island then some lunch, ice cream & then head home, so I feel this casual outfit is a good choice. He’s told me no sex on this date, we’ve just fucked, so this is probably the hardest outfit to have random sex in if the urge does come over us while we’re out. I put the present in my handbag & I’ll find the right moment to give it to him… I haven’t been in the car much with Phoenix driving, in fact he drove my work cark once & otherwise it’s always me driving. Also this is the first time I have ever been in his car, having never been allowed in it because it was the family car before she got a new car & my perfume smells… But him driving, his car… This feels very couply. This feels very relationshipy.

The drive down to Victor Harbor is about an hour, we talk the whole time, he touches me, holds my hand the whole way & we listen to music. We talk about so much stuff that I can’t even remember it all… I don’t remember what we said but I know both of us crack the shits at each other about something, no doubt he’s pissed about something in my blog & no doubt he said something douchy that made me angry. But we never stay angry long.

He pulls into a carpark & we walk holding hands, which makes my tummy do a little flip every time our hands connect, there is something about being in public holding hands. He doesn’t get it really, he’s had a partner for pretty much his whole life, so he’s held hands probably a lot. I have held hands with two men in my life that I have cared about. Remember the Plumber who wanted to hold my hand & I said no, even though I had sex with him. So for me holding hands is something so couply, so relationshipy, that I never really wanted to do it with anyone because I wasn’t in a relationship with them. But with Phoenix, it feels so right (When we get it the right way! Hahaha, I prefer my hand under & his over. He doesn’t think it makes a difference, but it feels weird – maybe because of our heights, but I prefer to be under.) to hold his hand & walk along. Like we have been doing it the whole time.

I need to go to the toilet, and so we find a public toilet. I know his thoughts on public toilet sex & even though I genuinely need to go, I don’t want him to think I am trying to persuade him into having sex with me in a public toilet. Given he is vehemently against it now, I don’t want him to think I am trying to change his mind or luring him into the toilet. So I tell him that his cum is leaking out of me, then I rush in & quickly rush out & then stupidly apologising for needing to go. He’s pacing around outside, not close by when I come out. I don’t think that’s anything & maybe he doesn’t even think about it at all, but I am so conscious of the fact he doesn’t want to fuck me in a public toilet anymore.

As we walk around Granite Island, he gives me lots of info about the penguins, I have been here as a kid at night on a school camp but never during the day – we don’t see any penguins anyway. I see a chick taking selfies & all I want to do is take a selfie with him. I don’t & I don’t ask because firstly, I am wearing no make-up & no lashes because of the surgery & secondly, I don’t think that he will want to take one, scared that I would post on social media or something, maybe use it as blackmail…. Maybe I watch too much true crime, but I am also picturing it on a true crime show when I am murdered… I don’t know but if I was in his situation I would be reluctant to take photos with my mistress, but fuck me, I want pics of us… I wish we had some from when we first met to see how different we look together now eight years later. But anyway, I don’t think this is a right time to take pics.

We get up to a lookout & he walks me closer to the edge of a cliff face, standing behind me, all manly, then because no one is around he rubs his hands over my tits. But I have intrusive thoughts – which he thinks (& are) ridiculous, but that’s why they’re called intrusive thoughts, right?! I don’t even mean too, but I say something to him about him pushing me off the cliff – it’s not even that much of a cliff but it would hurt if I fell. He seems to get semi offended, but it’s just an insight into how weird my brain is or how much true crime I watch, not that I actually think that he is going to push me off a cliff! But it is something I thought about while having this amazing private, couple moment, I am thinking of him killing me! Bahahaha – yeah I’m a weirdo!  

We keep walking the whole way around the island, stopping along the way to look at the view & kiss or hug, at one point he gets so fucking angry about my blog of course & something in there, that he is holding my hand but he is speaking to me in a way that the people that just walked past us would think I am in an abusive relationship, I have to turn to him & calm him down but he keeps trying to walk off, snapping at me. After he calms down, we have a laugh about it. I can only laugh now when brings up the blog because I can’t feel shit about it anymore.

It’s almost 11:00am so we start looking for somewhere for lunch. It’s not really soup weather, but I tell him that I definitely need something soft to eat. We walk around looking at all the menus at the various restaurants and pubs, I don’t notice it right away, we go to a few places before I pick up on it that he is actually really concerned about what I can eat & what I will eat looking at every menu for soup. I genuinely just thought he wasn’t that keen on the places, so we kept looking, but he wasn’t looking for him, he was looking for me!  Knowing I am a fairly bland eater – he calls me a girl eater or something, girl tastes, whatever, but I realise that he is really looking at all the menus for soups. We look at every restaurant & I just say I’ll have a smoothie from the second place we walked past, but he doesn’t seem happy about that – later he tells me that he didn’t want me to just have a smoothie for lunch. We settle at a pub that has a few things, I want some chips but also mashed potato. When I order the fritter things that I think will be soft, I don’t order mashed potato, having forgotten I even said I wanted it. But Phoenix steps up to order his lunch as orders a side of mashed potato & I swear that if I wasn’t already in love with this man, I definitely am now! Fuck he is so cute & thoughtful. I haven’t had a partner for so long, I didn’t remember that I should have a man like this – I didn’t know he could be like this, he is not a big tough guy, he’s a fucking softie… Fuck he must love me – or just wants to get into my pants… Nah, he can do that without being an adorable guy! He fucking loves me & cares about me.

He asks how my mouth is while I am eating & making sure that I am ok. He eats super-fast, like it’s so scary how fast he eats compared to me. I mean I am eating extra slow because with every bite I get something stuck in the stiches on the roof of my mouth, so I am unusually slow, but he is so fast. He offers me a bite of his & he finishes off whatever I don’t eat on my plate. He mentions a few times about how that meal was perfect for me & my mouth & he seems genuinely concerned but happy that we found something that I could eat & fill me up, which is when I realise that he was searching for soup for me.

So I have told him I have the present for him. I have it in my bag this whole time, walking all around granite island with it, thinking I should have given them to him if we sat down but we didn’t. I think at lunch it’ll be a good time but I lose my nerve & don’t give them to him – I wish I gave them to him, I reach into my bag twice to pull out the box I put them in, considering I have just realised about walking into 10 different restaurants looking for soup…. Our lunch is so delicious, our conversation is so easy, fuck knows what we talk about now but God, the conversations can be so random but so free flowing, sometimes completely vapid & sometimes deeper. I feel like I can say anything to him & not care what he thinks – I mean I care but I mean I know he’s not going to judge me, he may make fun & we have some banter but he won’t think I’m an actual idiot.

After lunch we walk around a little more & to an ice cream shop, where we get an ice cream each. Since he paid for lunch, I paid for the ice creams & to my surprise, he sits at the table out the front in the sun to eat them. He offers me a taste of his boysenberry, which is nice & I give him a taste of mine too, loving the sharing of food experience that I haven’t had ever really. I mean being single & only being on a few dates with guys, you don’t often share your food with a first or second date. This is the first real date. I mean when he’s met me for lunch at work, he’s eaten my leftovers, but this is just us, not rushing to go back to work. Just us hanging out. I fucking love it.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Surgery

31 March 2025 – The day of my gum graft surgery, I wake up to a message from him ”Good morning my nectarine when you get up” we message a little bit before I go to the gym & we chat all the way till I get to the clinic, we’re talking about his usual bed times & how he’s been coming back online every night to talk to me, which I know he has, but he generally goes to sleep about 10:00pm – 10:30pm. He says something about staying up later when it’s his day off, today is his day off & he had to go early last night… I tell him not to tell me why he doesn’t come back online because in my head, it’s because he’s having hot kinky sex with her, but he says, “And I just aim form. 10.30 to talk as long as I can.. And get some sleep  You are an idiot. I rarely have sex with My wife at night…” & my gut wretches & I can’t help but say, “’at night’… yeah good one…” FUCK. So they have morning sex – no that can’t be right, he’s said they don’t have morning sex because she doesn’t like it because he’s too rough (so much for the kinky lifestyle!) & that leaves the middle of the day & fuck I don’t want to think about that cos I already think about that more than I want too.

He says that they are all having the day off for his daughters birthday – oh great he’s probably going to have day sex with her today. FUCK. Considering they all were off yesterday, why the fuck would you miss school & work for the actual day? He says it’s a ‘thing’ people do these days, I just think it’s weird, no one in my family does that… But fuck, I can’t think of this shit right before surgery. Why is this the first he’s told me about all of them having today off? So he’s got today off, got tomorrow off & seeing me, then got Wednesday off for his son’s camp but apparently seeing me?! FUCK SAKE… I am so glad I am going to be out of it soon! They’re all off, they’re all at home, it’s their kids birthday so surely she isn’t going to be asleep late, I am still being dropped off at the clinic so I say, “Don’t let me keep you” because I don’t want him to keep talking me & not be there for his kids, after all they are the reason he chose to stay with her, I never want to be the reason he doesn’t spend time with his kids. Ever. “Shell be up soom. You don’t keep me. Stop saying stupid shit like that. You are not obligation to me. Stop acting Like you are. I genuinely care And love you. Good luck work your surgery today.” & with that, he is gone. I write back but it never gets read while I am waiting around for my surgery. The thing that shits me is that he says I don’t keep him but yet he is gone so quickly. “I’m not acting like you don’t care or love me… I’m acting like you’re going to go offline soon & won’t say goodbye” As predicted, he didn’t say goodbye, I mean he said good luck with the surgery but that’s not a goodbye, is it?

The surgery goes well, I am just groggy, I am not really sore. It just feels like I have a roll of fishing wire in my mouth rubbing against my lip & on the roof of my mouth. I can’t really look at my phone but I try to read his reply “I did have to go off-line. But never want to say good bye 🤷‍♂️ But I will be thinking of you today! Seven today she’s getting big haha. I hope your mouth isn’t feeling too bad when your out.” Fuck, I met him a year before she was born… He sends a pic of her, she’s fucking cute & I’m sad I never got that before… I mean I knew this cos I had to convince him of our anniversary & he says that if he couldn’t pinpoint it with something like her birth he probably wouldn’t have believed it was eight years with me.

Also side note, the fact that he doesn’t want to say goodbye, I get that sentiment, it’s very cute & I love when he says shit like that to me, because I feel the same way, I don’t want to say goodbye when he has to go offline, but fuck, not saying anything & just logging off, how is that better?! He logs off & goes about his life, I go about my life obviously, but I am always waiting for him to come back online & like a fuckwit, I am always available.

Phoenix has been semi planning tomorrow or Wednesday – which ever day he is going to see me, which is unlike him. He’d suggested going to Victor Harbor for the day… A date. A proper date. This v2.0 we’ve had a few sexless dates, a pasta picnic and work lunch breaks at my work, a couple at his work, so this isn’t a completely new thing with Phoenix anymore, but a whole day? He spent half a day here before recently, but this is a whole day. A whole day where he will be ‘looking after’ me after surgery. He is very concerned about it & telling me that we will not being having a lot of sex because I won’t be able to moan or open my mouth much, I keep telling him that he is not my Dr & we will see how I feel. I know he’d picked the Wednesday because I won’t be as sore two days after & not on as much medication. I am petrified that I will be too tired from pain meds that he will have taken the whole day off & get pissed if I sleep all day… I don’t want to sleep around him at all, I never wanted that when I did it like 5 or 6 years ago, but he hasn’t let it go – still to the very days he brings up how close he was to blocking me after that. This time I guess he knows that he’s the only one I am seeing & fucking, plus this is surgery recovery.

We obviously have a few issues given he’s married & him being unable to see me when I want, but one of the problems with our relationship is that I am a planner & he is not. Since he mentioned that we will go for a drive to Victor Harbor, I have planned the whole day in my head, I plan several versions – most of the versions I don’t even let him know about, that I have dreamt them up, so for me when he changes the goal post with the day, time or his availability, I get disappointed, not because he has let me down, because he actually hasn’t but because he didn’t know I had a whole day planned date in my head, almost down to the minute of what we would & could do, including contingencies for weather. So what he doesn’t realise & will probably never understand, is that when I get upset about him bailing, not only does he never say sorry, but it is partly not his fault that I have planned something & not let him in on it & then I get pissed off because I have to change my fantasy date. It so stupid but I can’t help it.

It’s not a major surgery, just a gum skin graft – they take some skin from the roof of my mouth & fix my receding gum that I have on one tooth. It’s something that I had needed for many years & kept putting off, mainly due to the fact it is $4000. I swoon at the thought of Phoenix taking the day off to ‘look after’ me. No one has ever given a fuck about me after surgery & I don’t get a lot of sympathy when sick – my sister will message, sometimes mum or dad, but not like someone is going to be with me during the recovery of something. No one stayed over when I had my breast reduction, my mum choosing her own bed over being here at my house – she did try to get me to stay at her house – but I like her, wanted my own bed! When I had my tummy tuck, the same thing, no one came to visit me in the hospital that surgery. I don’t usually take a lot of meds anyway after surgeries but I am really worried about being tired. This is my mouth & they will be cleaning under my gums also, I think that my whole mouth is going to ache afterwards. I don’t fucking know how I will wake up…

I have stocked up on so many soft foods like custards & purees, yoghurts, soups & frozen mashed potato because I don’t even know if I will be fucked cooking, but they haven’t been very forth coming on what I can eat afterwards or when I will be able to eat. I find out after I am out of surgery that I have these fishing line type stiches in my mouth for two fucking weeks before they get taken out, surely, they are dissolvable?! NOPE. They are probably not fishing wire but fuck it feels like they are. It’s blue & it feels sharp & like there is so much of it in there. They tell me I’m not allowed to play with it with my tongue, but do you think my tongue will leave it alone?! NOPE.

I am so groggy that I can barely message, that by the end of the night we’ve sent about five messages to each other between my sleepy day. He’d sent me a picture of his daughter standing there all cute in a dress, seemingly at the movies or somewhere for her birthday, “She looks so happy! Hope you’ve had a good day. It’s not too sore atm but have slept all day since I got home.” I fall back asleep, not that sore but I am so groggy from the anaesthetic. “Yeah I figured you would be knocked out all day. How are the gums feeling?” I Have no idea what I am saying, “Just swollen & the stitches feel so move” Feel so move?! What the fuck does that mean?! I wake up a few more times throughout the afternoon/evening but I see his messages all in a row, “Sounds pretty bad…. I’m still all good to see you tommorow 🙂 so I’ll head down tommorow morning if your awake then haha. Night #IBD4U” I send “It’s ok. Message me what time. Night P” & I fall into a blissful night’s sleep. I usually sleep so shit when I think that Phoenix will bail the next day, or when I think he’ll be here really early, I don’t want to sleep through it, well he’ll have keys soon so I won’t have to worry about that, but I do sleep well tonight, maybe it’s the drugs, maybe it’s so I can dream of a whole day with Phoenix.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Dumb Questions

29 March 2025 – I drive to his work, not because I think he deserves to see me, but I deserve to see him. I have just cried, which is so unlike me but there is a bit of emotion in my life at the moment, so I am not surprised that this has come out after a huge morning. We hug & talk for his short 30 minute break, I drive 20 minutes each way to get this hug, I want to see him & want the sexless dates.

He thanks me for coming down to see him, which I think is weird, he never thanks me for anything, ever. “I am trying to be nicer to you! You have driven nearly 20 minutes out of your way to come and see me… and not for very long. I never really looked at things from your perpective until I read your blog, what you did for our affairs or even to just to see me. even just to make it work now. but I also have my dick moments every now and then too :P” I mean the drive wasn’t entirely for selfless reasons, so I don’t mind, I wanted to see him & like going to his work, I just wish I took him some food.

We talk about not crying, I haven’t cried in a long time & he says that he lost it at his nanna’s funeral & I can’t help but picture his wife not supporting him – she probably did but I don’t want to think about it, I wish I was there for him or knew about it. I wish I was there to hug him when it happened, or that he even told me. He only told me she died when he got an inheritance from her. I never knew until now that he saw her or was upset about her death. I feel like an awful friend because I wasn’t there for him. How can we think we are more than sex if I didn’t even know someone significant died in his life?!

We had talked about the blog & I have to say I hate talking to him about it because I still think he should hate me for it, so I don’t want to keep justifying why he should hate me & then he change his mind “I was petrified of you reading the blog & I reckon a few years ago you would not have been able to reflect the way you have… You would have 100% hated me, thought I did it on purpose etc…” He asks why because I actually write about him in a good light even when we break up & because it existed before him, it wasn’t 100% about him, he just was the main star.

He says “Have you seen our star sign compatibility it snap.” I have no idea where this has come from or where he is going with it. He tells me that it says “We admire each other’s integrity and  Ambition apparently. I don’t believe in star signs , load of horse shit.” I mean we do admire that about each other I guess, so it’s kinda right. But I am not sure I believe star signs really. It’s kinda cute that he notices it though & I can’t help but smile at Mr Tough’s exterior.

He must be getting tired because he’s being all sweet & telling me that he loves me because I have Pepsi Max for him in my fridge when he is perfectly happy to drink coke no sugar. “You are fucking awesome sometimes. Stuff like that makes me love you more haha. It’s the little things.” He says he didn’t nap today & doesn’t want to go to sleep because, “I missed chatting to you.” Then he says randomly “I was so angry the other night hey… That i was vibrating the bed. And it kept waking up my wife. And she was like why is the bed shaking.” What the fuck was he angry about?! He says he doesn’t remember why, probably something about my blog & he doesn’t remember when it was but I can’t help but think that he was again chatting to me while in bed with her… He is obviously very tried because then he says “How did I find such a sexy chick. You are amazing. You blow my fuckin mind sometimes. How incredibly sexy you can be. I did get lucky. You have to put up with. My moody byllshjr too.” We say goodnight & I sleep soundly after a weird day, but I have seen & hugged him so everything is right in the world.

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30 March 2025 – I wake up to a good morning message & then realise that Phoenix is reading my blog – still! He asks me a stupid question, “Do you reckon you would still be fucking the crows guy if he made effort too? I mean he was better at head than me and and way buffer than me (I saw his pics !) And he sounded like he did everything I did. But obviously better than I did. Cos I think you would be. I need to stop re reading your blog haha. But I don’t think you would of stopped. I’m sure you would of never fucked me again and eventually forgot me” I mean I highly doubt it, I think he kept seeing me because he enjoyed the drama of talking to Phoenix’s wife, I reckon if that wasn’t happening, Crow’s would have backed away a lot sooner. I ask him “Are you still reading it??? Remember when I wrote it, I was so heart broken, devastated, was hearing all about your wild sex, being blamed for STIs, that my tone of writing is trying to make him & others after you better than you… If we never spoke again, you & I, I would have eventually moved on & thought about you less of course but we didn’t…”

When I wrote about other men, I tried to spin them in good light because wanted them to be better than Noodle who just shattered my heart & told me all about his kinky sex. I mean I still will never understand why Phoenix didn’t just block me, why he had to push me away & make me hate him by telling me all this bullshit, that I still dwell on ‘to this very day’ (to quite Phoenix’s most favourite saying!). I do admit that Crows was better a giving head – I mean he’s read that now anyway, so can’t lie about it. However, one thing now knowing that Phoenix has read it, he is SOOOO much better at head than he was before. I mean I always thought he was good, but he is definitely back to the top of my list for ever sexual act & experience.

We spend the morning sharing pictures, things that seem to mean nothing like a selfie on him, wearing sunnies while mowing the lawn, but are the everyday mundane things that I love from him. I send him ones of me with brown hair & when I was really overweight, him sending ones when he was younger & overweight. Considering he says that he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 19, he says that he always had a girlfriend & was rarely single – what a fucking surprise! NOT. He is so afraid to be alone, he says that I fuck anything, but he’ll get into a relationship with anything. He obviously is trying to make me jealous since he’s been reading my blog because he tells me that he had multiple FWB’s at one time. But I don’t care, I mean it was years ago… All I am jealous of now is what he had with Cowboy’s mistress & he’s only telling me that because he’s found my blog, not because I am rubbing my blog in his face.

I then ask something really fucking dumb & I wish I didn’t ask. “Oh, I want to know something… Not the nitty gritty with your wife. But just in general… Do you think it’s odd to shower with your partner – like regularly. But you don’t have sex? Either in the shower or ever…” I am thinking about how J-Lo had said that he & his partner shower together most days but they never have sex at all. For me, I can’t imagine getting in a shower with someone & not doing something at least sexual with them. He says he doesn’t think it’s weird, but I do, maybe I’ve been single too long. Then he says “It saves water and gives a s em. And an activity they bond over. Relationships are built on way more than sex, as a single woman in your mid 30s, you probally got way more sex than most married women in the same age range. You were just a twat and thought that’s how you build a relationship. People have sex way more than you think in relationships. Including me haha.” Oh great, I really wish I didn’t fucking ask…“Forget I asked. I don’t want to know actually.” I don’t want to think about how much sex Phoenix is getting. He quickly adds “Way less * That was a typo. People have sex way less than you think. Haha just surprised you would ask me. You make it clear you enjoy baths with me, with no sex. A shower isn’t much different. I feel like a bath is a tad more intimate, and things like my fat gut are more exposed tho than a shower…” I am so fucking sorry I asked, why did I ask him?!  “We have before & after the bath… Just forget it.” Fuck, I wish I could take it back “Just feel like that is a question you should have not asked me 🤷‍♂️. Also just comes across your chatting to married dudes to me haha.” I just say that he is right I am wrong, I am not chatting to married men, this was something I thought about a lot “It’s in my blog so it’s not a recent thought. If you want to accuse me of chatting to married people. I am not. Just forget it” FUCK why did I ask that, now I know he showers with her & now I can’t get that thought out of my head. There are times where I just wish he would lie to me…It hurts to think that I only get him sexually & she gets to have non sexual showers with him where he is bonding with her. FUCK.

We switch convos to 69’s & how good the one on my birthday was last year “I really wanted to rim you too haha, this was before I read your blog because your ass was in my face and looked really good … Pretty sure I had never done 69 before you (or after you ….) and I had literally only given head like 3 to 4 times before you …, or if I had it was like once. And you got head rarely for the first 6 months… haha. Also yeah never gone down on my wife🤷‍♂️. And I never enjoyed going down on a chick until you 100%. And now I fucking love it… Like I want to do it. And enjoy it.” I don’t recall ever doing it with anyone before him. Funny that he says that because he was ‘competing’ (in his own head) with all these other guys, that he put in more effort when he fucked me & I did the same because I already liked him & wanted to give him things his wife wouldn’t.

He brings up the fucking public toilet sex & how ‘I wasn’t into the idea’ & I am so annoyed… He says that I saved it for Rob Rob, which I did not. My memory of it is that I looked for public toilets when I started a new job because I didn’t know if I could get away & he was still tracked on the apple stalker app, but he didn’t seem interested in it. “You clearly did it with him. He asked for it and itt was granted. I asked for it and get nothing.” I can honestly say that Phoenix never asked for anything, I suggested every scenario we had, the only thing he ever asked for was the threesome & I made it happen for him. He never made the one I wanted happen for me & then fucked another guy with his kinky wife, so isn’t this the same fucking thing?! I didn’t even know he wanted public toilet sex, he knew damn fucking well it was my number one fantasy & still is, yet his did it with his wife & then fucking told me all about it! I don’t even know what to say to him right now, he is on a rampage that he says “Do what ever you want. Delete me if you need too.” My gut clenches when I read it & I start shaking. “OMG are you being serious? Phoenix?” but he says no that he’s ok & to just ignore him. He says that he wanted some things to be special but because I talked to Rob Rob the whole time & had phone sex with him, let him dominate me that sex with Phoenix isn’t special… Rob Rob has four fucking posts! He is not as significant or special that Phoenix makes him out to be in his puny brain… He says I didn’t beg for a threesome but I told him that was my condition for doing it with Sweetie & him was for him to do it with a guy for me. He never agreed, he says he did & says that I offered up men, but I didn’t & he never did it with me, knowing it was my number one fantasy! He says that he will always be pissed off about it & I wil never see his side of it… No, I probably won’t because I just don’t get it! I told him he would hate me because of the blog, it was only a matter of time.

As he’s saying goodnight this night, he wishes me good luck for my surgery tomorrow & he says that he’ll come give me ice cream & a hug, which I can’t wait for. I tell him that I have a present for him that’s not sexual or lingerie for a change. He says that he’s looking forward to it & we say goodnight.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Gym

28 March 2025 – The next morning, I almost don’t want to look at his message; I don’t even care what he has to say. I have asked repeatedly for him to not start deep & meaningful conversations right before he has to go & to be more aware of the time, communicating better, so I am not left hanging. Yes, he said goodbye, but it was bye & then log off instantly without waiting… It’s just as bad having my message left on unread, that makes me wish I never sent a message. It’s like when I used to message for Christmas or his birthday back before v2.0 started & days later he’s finally read it. But I look at his several messages that were very early this morning, my ice exterior starts to melt a little, “I didn’t mean to go suddenly last night. I can’t sleep this morning and can’t get you out of my head. I just want you to know. That sometimes I miss you terribly. Hopefully I get some sleep now! Morning for when you get up.” My responses to his conversation are short though, I need to keep my walls up, they are way down & he just logs off like he always has & fuck knows if he’ll come back online. So why do I keep getting annoyed that he doesn’t say a proper goodbye so I don’t feel like a twat, he’s done it for eight years. Should I even be bothered by it after all this time?!

He reads me like a book & asks if I am ok. I am in a sad mood about how he treats me & to top it off, I have to do some work before I go on leave which is due today & the team is so hopeless at helping & explaining – because they have so much to do themselves. I have never done this work before so I have been asking for weeks for help, but they just say click here, click there, but never actually explain what you are supposed to do. In the end, I never learn how to do it & leave without finishing it & I don’t give a fuck!

It’s Friday, usually he says that he won’t be around much today but he hasn’t been, which fucks me off because if I didn’t know their pattern & schedules, I would be sitting around waiting, like usual. He hardly chats after lunch, barely coming back online at night to talk to me after my shit last day at work before surgery on Monday, I am so down about work, I feel so stupid at my job, something I should be good at given my experiences, but they just write reports on reports, copy excel data to a word document & send it to our boss who doesn’t even know what the data means… We have meetings for the sake of meetings & our boss just fucks off all day or works from home 100% of the time, while we can only do one day per fortnight. We never see her. He says “I wish I could give you a hug.” But you can’t, can you Phoenix, you’re not mine & don’t even care if you don’t chat to me… He says he hates seeing me down, & I say I’ll be ok & goodnight.

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29 March 2025 – The next day my mood is not any better. I wake up super early & have to do some fitness test training at the gym – mainly to feel better about myself, I was feeling huge, Phoenix’s wife is now on weight loss injections & skinny, but I feel so huge & unfit.

Now let me preface this story with my gym story – this will be long winded but important, maybe not, but it’s not about Phoenix (if you’re bored of him! Hahaha) you’ll understand why at the end. So late last year I joined a gym, which I am seeing improvements with my fitness I am not seeing improvements with my weight or body shape. Phoenix has told me that he noticed last year after I was fired that I put on weight, I put on about 13kgs in a few months. It all went to my hips, legs & arms. Since being at the gym, I have not noticed any changes. I know that I haven’t been consistent with food, I don’t pretend that the gym is going to be the solution here, I need to sort out my eating situation. There has been a challenge at the gym for six weeks, I was being good with food & going to the gym 4-5 times per week.

I had started at this gym with two lash clients. One lets call Tee & the other Nee. So Tee & I know each other from the little independent gym that I used to go too (who has since closed down) & she became a lash client, we then went to another gym together & were doing spin classes but I felt that I was an intruder with her & another friend so I stopped going to that gym & joined another with a different friend. Nee is Tee’s best friend of 20 years who started coming to me for lashes, who I always struggled to have a normal conversation with, she gives you absolutely nothing when doing her lashes so I just don’t try to chat with her. When I join this gym, I am chatting to Tee & tell her to come for a free week with me too, she does & I also tell Nee that I am going, that Tee might be joining too so Nee decides to too. Great now I have a few friends at the gym!

I had always planned to go to the 5:00pm classes but they couldn’t go to that class & talked me into the 6:00pm classes, I made a Facebook group chat with the two of them about when they are going but shortly after joining they go to a ‘farewell’ of one of the trainers & don’t invite me or tell me they are going. They go to a few classes in the morning but don’t tell me or if I don’t say anything in the group & go to the 6:00pm class, they are there & don’t tell me they were planning on going, so I delete the group & try to focus on myself. I also struggle at this gym because they pair you up in small groups & I am usually with Tee & Nee, which is fine but I don’t feel supported by Nee. I feel like she is competing with me all the fucking time & it’s exhausting. She’s stronger than me so she can lift heavier but my cardio is better. Who cares, lets just work out with our own goals & support each other.

When we are paired together & doing weights class, they give you a schedule of what to lift if you are aiming for a certain amount. So if you’re aiming to lift 50kgs on the last round, they give you what you should start on & what you should go up by each round but she just ignores it & looks all smug about how heavy she is lifting. I am standing there taking off weights, while she adds them on for her turn, outside of the schedule but I am like yeah she’s done 47.5kg squats, but she’s not actually squatting, it’s a bob bend over at best, she’s not even bending her knees with that much weight on her shoulders. I’d rather do 30kgs or less & get my squat right then increase my weights.

So I just try my hardest to focus on me, but it’s so hard because I can’t have a conversation with her or have banter & joke when you don’t get it right. I have that with Tee but she’s stopped coming due to a couple of car accidents so I am always paired with Nee. This is about the time that I start going to the 5:00pm classes, because that was always my plan & then if I have a client after work, then I can still squeeze in the gym session. I need to work on my mental health, while things are good with Phoenix, I hate my job & my body so I need to work out.

Anyway, so the gym has a ‘you vs you’ challenge for six weeks, we started with the benchmark test, a 36 minute session of like ten exercises & runs, that you had to do as much as you can in 36 minutes then in six weeks you re-do the same test again & you see how much you’ve improved. My head fucks me over so much, not just with Tee & Nee but others in the room too. We all start at the same but of course people are speeding ahead of us. I am a little ahead of Tee & Nee, feeling good about how my cardio has already improved since starting at the gym. But when we end, they are on the same exercise as me… WHAT?! HOW?! Did they count right? Did I count right? I was ahead of them by at least two exercises when I finished what I could do, how did they end up on the same exercises – not being able to complete the test at all, which is fine, when I re-do it in six weeks, I will see the improvement, right?

So this morning I have woken up super early & not looking forward to this challenge, there is usually only one class on a Saturday morning but on the test days there are two. I know that Tee isn’t re-testing & Nee is booked in for 7:30am, I change my booking for the 6:30am class knowing I will just be able to do it well without thinking about what she’s up too, who’s ahead of who & who’s counting correctly. It’s a mental challenge, that I don’t want.

So I smash myself at the gym, I do the whole thing in 37.5 minutes & because I only had 20 burpees at the end to go, the gym instructor & a few other people who had finished did them with me, egging me on supporting me. Funnily enough, Nee is there by this stage, being the next session is about to start but she doesn’t come over & support me, cheer me on like some others also had… So even though I don’t finish it in the 36 minutes, I am proud that I kept going & did it all & was only a little over.

When I am finished, my mouth gets all watery & I feel like I am going to vomit, that I high five a few people standing around & run to the toilet. I am so exhausted, sweaty & spitting into the toilet. The feeling of nausea subsides & I get up & go outside into the fresh air to just walk it off a bit. Still nothing from a supposed friend, doesn’t come to see if I am ok, ask how I went – though if she asks how I went, it will only be for selfish reasons to make sure she does better than me. OMG I am so bitchy sometimes! But it’s true…

When I get home, Phoenix sends me some poorly spelt texts “Oh umm. We need to dixs. About next week .. I’m going to c.” Oh great… he’s bailing on me for next week with my surgery. I say “Yeah all good. Don’t worry if you can’t. I figured you couldn’t anyway.” He tells me that his son is going on camp on Wednesday so his wife is going to say goodbye & then he has to pick his daughter up after school because she can’t catch the bus on her own – how did I know that he wouldn’t be able to see me after my surgery… I am exhausted from being up so early, exhausted from really pushing myself so hard to finish & now I’m fucking sad that my married ex-boyfriend has to be a fucking father & partner with someone else…

I don’t look at his messages, I just can’t. He never says sorry when he bails & I just can’t deal with this emotion right now. “So I’ll spend the day with you on Tuesday, and will come visit you for a few hours on Wednesday too. And put in a fake shift for Tuesday instead of Wednesday. If that’s okay with you. I wanted Wednesday because I thought you would be more recovered lol. But have both days off. There is just some bad timing! But I still want to see you and will see you!!” I just don’t want him to go to effort & then have to bail on the day, “See how you go with everything, doesn’t matter, really, it’s all good.” He genuinely seems like he wants to see me but I would rather not be disappointed on the day, “I’m sorry for fucking you around with the days. It matters ttl. To me. Even if it doesn’t to you. So I’ll see you both days!” I don’t want him to make promises he can’t keep, I am trying to let him off the hook, “It’s fine. Dont worry about it. See what happens, I’d rather you not take the days off just to see me. I will be fine, it’s just my mouth.” It’s not really a surgery, it’s my gum, I’m getting a gum graft & a deep clean, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s not open heart surgery, it’s in the periodontists chair, “I literally.. put in a day off for you and only you. Fuckhead. Don’t act like you don’t matter fuckwit. You will not get any sex now, fuck it. No sex! When I see you next week. And I can and will see you. And I’m a stubborn fucker and can do it!!!”

I’m not sure how the threat of no sex will make me feel better, but anyway “I’m not acting like I don’t matter. I don’t want to make it difficult to see me. You’ve got shit on, she will probably stay home & the you’ll have to cancel. I’d just rather not have the excitement then disappointment. So just how it goes. If it happens it happens, if not, it’s fine. I’m honestly ok with it. As you always said, all part of the deal, right?” I delete the countdown that I stupidly made that said ‘Bring IBD4U Ice-cream’ as a joke. He says “I do love you and want to bring you some icecream tho!” I tell him I ordered some in my groceries which is all soft food like yoghurt, fruit purees, frozen mash potato etc, so not to worry, he says “I’ll still bring you some 🙂Stop trying to push me away or pretend I don’t care.”

I have never had anyone look after me after surgery anyway. I mean when I had my tummy tuck, I was In hospital for three nights & for one whole day, no one in my family visited me at all. I guess I deserve this, him cancelling. He is married after all. I can’t expect to have support from him when I want it. I say, trying not to show my disappointment but also want him to know I am disappointed. Phoenix says “I don’t like seeing you all sooky and down. I do want to see you, and sometimes I need to be the one that makes time for you and goes out of my way for it. So just fucking accept ot. And stop being a sorry fuck. I now realize it took it for granted.” It’s not what I am doing, I am trying to be realistic, “I’m not being sooky… Its the reality of our situation & it’s fine.” I sit on the toilet, feel deflated & sad, wondering if I will get to see him at all in the next week or even when will be the next time, “Sure thing. I want to hug you so bad. I can tell you are not in a 100% mindset you know right ?” FUCK, how can he tell over text? The dogs are standing in the hallway from the toilet, they start pawing at something on the ground, I see something black, a small speck so I finish on the toilet, grab the empty toilet roll & bend down to look at whatever the fuck this is on the floor.

BANG…

FUCK…

Dizzy spell…

Spinning room…

I lean against the wall processing what just happened – as I bent down, one of the dogs got under me & lifted his head, we banged heads, really hard that I was knocked so dizzy. Before I realise what is happening, I am crying in the little toilet hallway leaning against both walls, as a little weird howl comes out of me, I realise that I am crying because I am exhausted & hurt – physically & mentally. Not just by Phoenix but by Nee. When I tell Phoenix that I banged heads with the dog & cried he says that he’ll be on his break about 9:00am if I want to go to his work for a hug. I haven’t had a shower & I would have to leave like right now to make it. I grab a drink & my keys before I am even writing back to him. I never usually need someone & I shouldn’t get too close to him but fuck I want to see him, I want him to calm me, I want him to hug me, I just want him. I hate that he is my rock… A rock that is not entirely mine.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Anniversary Present

26 March 2025 – The next morning, I get a Phoenix rant, he’s being an asshole today – one sweet thing this week & then I have to deal with an asshole for the rest, “I don’t actually mean to piss you off , honestly, especially before we are going to say goodbye.  Timing I’m guessing is just not my thing , also I don’t mean to get full d and m before I’m not available either ..that just happens naturally, and again, just bad timing on my behalf. Yesterday you said something that I could instantly pick up apart , part of the reason I picked it apart was you tried to apply something unique to me that I knew wasn’t, I picked it apart and told you not to piss you off, just that I disagreed with it, and the timing was just bad when you told me that and I disagreed. I think you did this through our first affair… you obviously told a few little lies here and there to make me feel special , maybe even to convince yourself sometimes I guess. But also I’m a smart ass , and can be a dick. It’s part of my personality. But it’s okay, because you are kidding yourself if you don’t think that it part of my personality you find attractive about me !  Mind you it took alot of will power not to tell you your DNA was already all over Adelaide when I was going back to work to handle customers vegetables with my hands covered in your cum! But I laughed and kept it to myself haha.”

I tell him that he’s just jealous that when he was in his stupid open relationship that he didn’t get to fuck anyone & I fucked everything because he told me he was doing it. I also tell him to go fuck everything now & then come find me when he’s done. I am sick of having this rubbed in my face. “Wow you are pissed at me. You do realize I don’t hold it against you what you did post affair right? I might have poked fun at it. But I didn’t expect you to do anything differen’t. Nor do I hold it against you. Or think any less of you. I would of done the same 100%” I am so angry that I can’t help but snap back “Because you say “fun fact” my wife never supports my hobbies, always makes fun of me blah blah blah. Yet you do the same to me… All the time. Maybe it’s ok to make fun once or twice, but 45 million times about the one thing that I hate most about myself…  I don’t want to stop having an open honest, jokey relationship with you but I just can’t handle any more about who I’ve fucked or what I did. It’s all we’ve talked about.”

I don’t even know why we keep talking about this shit… “First of all, I rarely ever made fun of your hobbies? I did it only for rope because it made me insecure because it’s a sexual activity I would never be good at. Second of all its not all we have talked about. Third of all I had no idea how much you hated that about yourself. And you are reading me wrong sometimes. We need to have a chat in real life about this. Because it’s not going tto work over text. And I keep avoiding it in real life with you. Because I don’t feel like I made you out to be the slutty one yesterday afternoon or this morning…. You did that one yourself. There were things that hurt me in your blog that I probally need to talk to you about irl so you can read my tone, body language and not read it wrong via text. And I probably need to hear you defend yourself too irl. Because this is not going to work.” Never made fun of my hobbies – but then admitted he did about rope… Yeah never made fun of me at all! I agree that we need to talk in real life, I just don’t want to spend the little time we do get together talking about men I’ve fucked… That’s not fun for anyone. But ironically, I can’t recall ever having a conversation in real life with him about this.

By Jeez, I’ve fucking got it! I am going to get him the best anniversary present, it’s perfect! It’s small, its intimate, something that will show him how much he means to me, it’s something that will give him peace of mind about our relationship & show how much I trust & love him… Hang on, am I even still single?! I push that thought out of my head…

I head over to the shops in my break; I walk up to Mr Minit with my house keys in hand & start picking out some coloured keys. They have ones with animals & other things, so I pick our one with my animal on it & because green is my favourite colour, I pick out one with aliens on it. Weird but that’s what I picked. As I stand there waiting, I see keyrings, they have heart ones, so I choose one of them too. The dude asks if I want it engraved & I said no because I didn’t want to be too lame, I hadn’t really thought of a message anyway & if she finds them without engraving, he could say he found them at work in the carpark or something, but if they have his name on it or mine or the anniversary date he wouldn’t be able to easily lie about them. However, whatever lie he would have told would have been so fucking unbelievable, but she would have believed it. Looking back I wish I had of had the key ring engraved, maybe just the date & our first initials only. My first initial is the same as hers, so he could say that they fucked up the date with her birthday, so he had to get another made… Or some other bullshit reason… So this is a perfect gift idea! Just now that I have it, when am I going to give it to him without feeling like a wanker?!

Out of the blue -like he knows that I have just been out using my lunch break to buy his anniversary present, he says, “I’m sorry for making you feel bad about sleeping around. IBD4U… honestly I didn’t realize how much it effected you , and how you view it today … you said you are not proud of it these days, but I can see I have really affected you when I have brought it up, and honestly I didn’t think I was. Turns out you are very different person to who you were 5 years ago. In that regard and I should of picked up on it and not given you shit for it. So yeah. Sorry for being such a dick about it. And I’m going to try and avoid being a dick about it. I met you through a stage…and clearly you are not in that stage any more, and you have even had some self reflection about it” Wow, he literally goes from being a cunt to Mr nice guy… “Thank you… It effects me cos of how you feel about… I know I feel shit about it & would literally erase about 80% of my sexual past if I could…  hate that I’m so pathetic & have never been loved & used sex as a way to get men to like me… Its fucking tragic, I’ve said it before.. I just never wanted you to think that about me too.” He says that 9 times out of 10 it’s his jealousy, I get that, but I just don’t want him to think I am a tragic loser & be the butt of his jealousy. “Hahahaha oh IBD4U. I still veiw you as one of the coolest chick’s I have ever known. You are an idiot in that regard… But I did think it was cute you told me you did geocaching before. You would been doing it during our first affair and never told me. I wish you could of told me stuff like that. I have no idea why you told me you did the sex party stuff….and I’m not sure why you told me you did maslins….you told me this stuff usually after sex, in person and not online …so not sure it was part of the tit for tat thing. All it did was make me think you were even cooler at the time…I wasn’t even jealous, I just viewed you even more as a cooler chick haha, and frankly too cool for me. Did you know you even told me about the first time you fucked dom dom, and you told me you fucked married men because of me as part of that story. I was so disappointed I knew 95% of your blog hahah.”

To try to lighten the mood I say, “You know, though babe… I was thinking… If we’re not having ‘sex’ cos of my mouth, then we still can do anal, cos anal isn’t considered cheating & it’s from behind so my mouth will be ok?? 🤔” He snaps my name & then tells me that made him instantly hard. He now admits that we will have sex the day after my surgery if I am feeling ok, but we can’t fuck all day. He is going to take me out. I am super excited about the day out if I am being honest… “I gotta say…. As much as I want to fuck you all day…. I am super excited to go on a drive with you… Get ice cream, go for a walk….” He tells me that he is excited about it too.

He does ask me why his opinion of him matter so much to me now, he says that he saw my whole attitude toward sex change. I guess I don’t explain it to him well, but his opinion of me matters to me, so when he’s poking fun or taking jabs at my sex life outside of him constantly, I feel shit about myself. Even with him, the whole eight years, I basically felt like I had to talk about sex & nothing else because that’s all that kept him interested… He says that he wishes I shared more with him & just not what every other guy got. But he doesn’t realises that no other guy gets the type of sex we have, no other guy gets the stupid shit I say to him, I just don’t want to show him the real me & find out that he doesn’t like who I am.

---

27 March 2025 – The next morning I go back to what I know best, making the conversation all about sex – this is what I know, this doesn’t make me feel like shit about my choices. I tell him that he should call me on his five minute drive to hear me cum, I get out a vibrator & get myself ready to cum when he calls, which he does but we have some internet issues & it keeps cutting out, but he does hear me cum once at least. Because he missed it once, I send him a video instead of the second & third time that I cum.

We chat all day about shit & we got onto the fact that I gave him a Samsung watch & ask if that’s why he got me a bracelet, he says not on purpose but maybe subconsciously because he says that he looks at the watch & is reminded of me. I tell him he did well picking out the bracelet, it’s very me & I love it, “I always think I’m terrible at it, but yeah the main reason I wanted to get you a bracelet over other stuff is to differentiate you from my wife , she can’t wear them because of her job, obviously she is not an office chick. She also doesn’t wear normal gold for whatever reason, only white gold, so there was no turning back or mix up for that one …” Well I guess at least that’s something. I never even realised that he knew I wore gold… I used to be a silver girly, never wore gold but as I got older I changed over to gold & prefer it. Also I love how he said he wouldn’t talk about her as much – why do I need to know she wears white gold?!

He asks me questions about my cameras & we talk about them for a while, him asking why I keep the footage, I say “Hahaha, no, I used to keep cos in case anything happened to me. You can’t deny you were here or how long… 🤷🏼‍♀️” He asks why he would deny it, I say “Because you already whittled both our first & second affairs down to toothpicks saying they were a quarter of the time they were so I knew you would this one… And if I am hurt badly & lose my memory or am dead, I wanted my sister to have evidence that it a) happened & b) for how many years…” He always told me that his wife would kill me & she knows where I live thanks to him, so I did it mainly for the blog but then for protection. “sometimes you fucking scare me IBD4U.  I find it odd that it pissed you off so much I lied to my wife how long the affair was. how does it affect you. I was trying to convince myself or you. wasnt* I mean I didnt think it was a year either haha. thought it was like 8 months or something. but it wasn’t done to belittle you. so you have everytime I visited, with video proof and time stamps?” I tell him that I didn’t put them in because of him, “Well I didn’t get the cameras because of you, I got them when the shit went down with T**y & the creep down the road started knocking on my door… So I didn’t do it to ‘catch you.’ It was my first love & you made it insignificant by saying it was just blow jobs on a Tuesday night & was 3 months… that fucking hurt me… So of course I care!” He asks if I really expected him to tell the truth to her, well no I didn’t but it hurt being that it’s a relationship he was trying to leave, he told me she knew everything & nothing could hurt their relationship now, which I still don’t believe she knows everything. “she knows everything these days. she obviously knows we fucked. and it was more than 3 months. and not blowjobs.” She doesn’t know about affair number two right before she married him.. She doesn’t know that five months later as a married man, he started fucking me again & hasn’t stopped for five years!

Now he changes his story, defending her again when I say that he told me she’d kill me, “na shes not a physcopath and she has 2 children.  she may of tried to fight you maybe. she would never kill anything. shes way to straight for that. and has way more empahty than I ever could have. may of thought about it, but she could never do it. but def has mental issues. she may go there first. but who do you think the cops are coming to first if someone kills you? like old mate on your street. fucking me.” Ok, so I’m the psychopath for saving the videos then… He says that he didn’t say that, “wtf. all Im saying is I didnt realize you used to monitor my visits… just assumed you wouldnt look at me haha. Im just your regular monthly visistor and friend. Im not angry or getting weird about it. just suprised me. I’m not always having a go at you 😕” I didn’t fucking monitor his visits… “You told me flat out, your wife wanted to kill me & you had to stop her multiple times from coming over here… So don’t say to me she has a heart of gold, respected me & wasn’t going to do anything.” He says I am twisting things, but I can’t see fucking how I am twisting it that I tell him I will turn them off in future so I am not monitoring him, “I guess you’ve already told me you don’t trust me, so I shouldn’t be surpised you think I’m gonna use it against you.” He says that he didn’t say that “IBD4U fuckin stop okay. I don’t find you scary. I trust you. Fuck me. You have lost some confidence.” It’s not about confidence, I say, “Well I don’t want you to think I am monitoring you, like your wife going through you phone…”

We talk about the blog again for fuck sake, but he says again that there is nothing in it that surprises him, I’d told him about the interaction with his brother, I’d said all the snippy things to him about his wife, but I mention that I didn’t explain his childhood trauma in detail because it’s not my story to tell but also would be easy to identify him if I explained it in detail, he says “That I find odd. But it’s obviously why you justify alot of my bad behaviours towards you… Which is just stupid. Well it probably influenced some decisions too.” I don’t think he would be ok with me telling the story though. He asks if I believed it & I say yes, I had googled it at some point, I never thought he was making anything up to get sympathy. It’s funny how Rob Rob didn’t even want to be called Rob Rob in my blog because he thought it would be too identifiable, yet Phoenix is happy for me to share his childhood trauma that is so clearly identifiable. I am not going to share it but I don’t change my opinion of how it shaped what he did to keep his kids. Right in the middle of this intense topic, he says “I Gotta go. Night IBD4U xo” & he’s gone, leaving my simple pissed off response of “Night.” left on unread… FUCK YOU PHOENIX!!! How many times do I have to say how much that fucks me off?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Bracelet

25 March 2025 – In the morning he says good morning but then his usual morning rant, which includes “If if is too much or I really fuck you off please tell me and I can back off. I obviously don’t want to upset or piss you off when for the times you can’t have me…” He has gone through our chat that I save & re read some of it, picking up on things I said two days ago. I don’t want him to back off, I’ve always wanted this. I don’t need Phoenix full time, I would prefer he didn’t have a wife – of course & was all mine & I would prefer he didn’t want other women, but this honesty, communication & connection is all I ever asked for. I never asked for him to see me more, I never asked him to leave her, that doesn’t mean I don’t want it, but if he wants to pull away, he will & he will blame me for getting annoyed & justify why it ends. I had said that I felt like things were different with him for about a year, things just felt different, he doesn’t think he changed & maybe he didn’t but I felt it.

As I am rolling over in bed, reading his messages, I remember the bracelet on my wrist, one of the love’s has indented my arm, I take a picture of it & send to him, “So this actually happened… It wasn’t a dream…” he says “Yeah wasn’t a dream 😋 I don’t think I changed or felt any difference 🤷‍♂️ Personally I changed.. I was extremely depressed and struggled my first 2 years at the new job.I lost all confidence in myself .. I’m surprised i didn’t start drinking … But I did binge eat … haha. If you didn’t notice as I got fatter.” I did notice, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t really care, I don’t like skinny guys.

I explain how he pisses me off just saying I have to go “Like who wants to be left on unread all the time… I’ve had enough of it in 8 years than anyone else would have put up with… Yet I still do it. I still get the rushed goodbye while having a normal convo… And I’m always grossly aware of the time thinking, he’ll be gone soon, need to wrap this up…” I think he’s genuine when he asks, “Well what can I do to make it easier for you? Do you want me to set an alarm and just only engage in small talk? Or say good bye before I need to go and end the convo a solid 15 minutes before I need too? I want to make this as easy as I possible can for you. So tell me what I can do to make it easier for you.” I don’t want him to set an alarm & only talk bullshit to me, I don’t want to be an obligation either, that’s my fear, I want him to want me. I want him to want to say goodbye to me properly, knowing that it upsets me & would upset him if I did it to him. I just tell him that I don’t want to feel like a fool & he says that he can work with that, but I 100% know he won’t & we’ll be having this conversation again, I’m sure of it! I’ve told him this before & he still does it, eight years later, he is still making me feel like a fool & while he says he cares, he really doesn’t. I know he doesn’t get it & he thinks I’m a idiot for letting it upset me.

He brings up the past again, that the conversation just is about us both wanting to get one up on the other when we started chatting again during affair one. He was telling me about his kinky open relationship to hurt me & I was posting on fetlife – not telling him directly that I had had anal sex once with a guy. But honestly, I am sick of feeling like shit about my past… I am single I can do what I want, he is fucking married, fucking his wife regularly… So why do we always come back to who I fucked when he broke my fucking heart… I ask, “Can we ever go a day without making me feel shit about the fact I have a past??” But he seems to think that without everything I did during that time we were apart, we wouldn’t be here now, which is probably true. I tried to replace him & couldn’t. He says he not always trying to put me down, trivialise my feelings or make me feel ashamed of my sexual history. “I feel like you are even more self conscious now that I’ve read your blog and even more ashamed… It’s kinda cute you are ashamed a little and self concious about it with me though haha.” I mean I don’t think it’s cute, I feel like every time he brings it up he’s attacking me or trying to make himself feel better by making me feel shit. But he says because I literally talk about him in every post, I redeem myself, I say it’s not about redemption, he wasn’t supposed to ever read it, which is why he finds this funny! “Especially the papa roach concert, yes I wrote it addressing it to you but I didn’t expect you to see it….” That post is kind of embarrassing now, but it’s what made him reach out so maybe I should just be happy he did. He says now that everything he thought I told him that he didn’t believe because of his own insecurities, he obviously has now read in my blog so he believes me.

What’s interesting is that he says, “I literally did everything I could to enrage you and encourage you to block me. Say some of the worst and meanest things to you while you are being honest with me, even vulnerable admitting that to me. You are definitely a retard.” I don’t ask at the time, but why didn’t he just block me himself?! He had digs at me about having an STI & needing to glen 20 his mouth, he is so perplexed how we are still chatting when he’s said shit like that… & I wonder too, why was he so mean, why couldn’t he just block me? “Honestly I been trying not to enrage most of the time. Just sometimes jealously hits and I get angry. But I refused to believe things you told me , especially when it came to other men , or some of your sexual encounters, or anything you have ever told me ….. until I read your blog …. I just thought you were lying to me, trying to feed my ego.” I have never been one to feed his ego, I do not spin him bullshit, but he says “You literally manipulated me with sex just to keep me in your life for 5 years.” FUCK OFF. That is not manipulation, I wanted sex, I asked for it & he obliged. Not like I rocked up at his door naked trying to fuck him or blackmailed him. “Yeah you did. You just sent me sexy messages until I caved in and fucked. You. And kept doing it for 5 years . Knowing I have a dick, knowing I have a weakness for you, and knowing I know you are real and will do anything you text me IRL.” Well that’s not really manipulation is it?! & besides he was the one who would come back online & ask how my sexy little cunt was.. “well…umm. we manipulated each other with sex. you played along though. you enticed me to fuck you!!! and you are the one that enticed me and pushed to fuck me the first time in this affair, and kept teasing me, sending me sexy pics, making me hard, until I gave in!!” Wasn’t hard to get him to ‘cave in’, you’re a dickhead Phoenix!!

He spends time going through the #IBD4U Facebook comments, I no longer have access to the page after losing my personal Facebook page, so I have no way of using the page but Phoenix thinks it’s a good idea to read the comments, saying that his posts sparked the most comments, which is true, but that they really hated him after the first breakup. He’s laughing at some of them & it’s stroking his ego, not a surprise. I ask him if he’s getting off on it & he says no comment. He says that if he knew there was a blog complete with quotes he would have tried harder even with the spelling & grammar. He is loving the comments, “hahah somone saved their ‘noodle’ posts to enjoy on their day off to read with a bottle of wine! you can’t make up this shit.” I hate that I can’t delete the Facebook page or unpublish it now! His head is way too big as it is. “oh this is a good one…. someone told you they were though about making their boyfriend read your noodle posts for inspiration. Yeah. I get off on this shit.” God he’s a fucking idiot, hahaha! “omg I even got a hashtag. from readers. #maketimefornoodle.” Fuck he’s a smug dickhead right now!

Right before he’s about to go offline for the night, I am about to finish work & he starts banging on about how I called Max my boyfriend. I know Max called me his girlfriend but I 100% never thought of Max as my boyfriend & never used that term about anyone besides the guy I owed my house with, the one with the pseudonym Boyfriend. Phoenix doesn’t let up, he just keeps pushing the topic & I refuse to agree with him, “Fine I’m not gonna argue with you cos you’ll go offline in a minute & I don’t want to always go about my night pissed off.” He then says that I apparently told him I had no feelings for Max, which is true, I liked him as a friend & enjoyed the time I had with him, so I ask “How can you call someone you have no feelings for, your boyfriend?!” He says that I told him he was my boyfriend & he had a key, yeah he had a key for a scenario that he never used them for… But then again neither did Noodle when he had a key… He says “I was jealous I didn’t have a key. And thought I deserved one. And I got one haha. Eventually.” I say that I had them cut specifically for him, I didn’t want him to have the same keys that max had, which were just my regular spare set of keys. “It’s kinda cute… It meant so much to me… Especially after you told me he had one …. I would of been all cool about it… But it meant alot to me. I was clearly a better a friend, clearly cared for you, clearly closer to you, was now fucking you , and fucking you more than him. And I was pissed he had a key.” To be clear, they didn’t have keys at the same time, long before I had keys cut for Phoenix, I had the keys back from Max.

He brings up the fact that J-lo & Rob Rob know about my blog & he didn’t – that they knew about him & he didn’t know about them. Sorry, did he not have a woman publicly humiliating me that I didn’t know he was fucking close too & getting her address?! Nether of these guys did anything to make him feel like a fool publicly & they were big supporters of Phoenix, actually giving me advice on what I should do. Phoenix should be thanking them for things they said to me about him. Every fucking day he beings up something that pisses me off right before he has to go offline because she’ll be home soon, every fucking god damn day! “I don’t know if it’s intentional but you do it everyday & not sure if it’s cos you know you’re going offline so you want to pissed at me cos you don’t want to miss me or if you’re just an actual cunt every fucking day… 🤷🏼‍♀️” I call it the Phoenix special, he says that it’s not intentional, “Honestly. I do not want you pissed off at me when I got off-line. I don’t know what to say to you now. I don’t want to piss you off more. I’m sorry for bringing them up again okay. That one was bad timing. You make me sound like a pizza. The Phoenix Special.” It’s her birthday today & I am so fucking angry, that I snap, “Have a good evening, I hope she appreciates her jewellery as much as I do! Chat later ABC.” I put my phone in my pocket & finish picking up the dog poo without interruption.

I wait long enough that I know he’s logged off before I look at his message, “She has no jewellery… But okay then. You are a twat. I got her massage voucher if you are wondering, didn’t even get her any jewellery. And now you have picked a fight with me and left it fuckhead haha.” He’d also mentioned something earlier about spending more money on me. Not something I care about or what he got her. I just said that cos I was fucked off. I’m sick of feeling like shit about talking to men when he has done the same the whole time he’s known me. I tell him I didn’t pick a fight & when he comes back online he says, “You said a bitchy statement. Fun fact, I got you a bracelet because I have never got her one. But whatever.” Oh yes, the other Phoenix special – he has to be more angry than me, I forgot about that… “See & now you turn it around & crack the shits at me… I can never be the one that’s shitty, can I? You always have to be more pissed off than me.” He says I can do whatever I like, which isn’t true because if I am angry, he gets angrier & then I have to stop fighting him about whatever we’re talking about to make him feel better. He says that he almost didn’t come back online tonight & because of how we left it, I would have been so annoyed that he would 100% be giving her birthday sex & I would not have wanted to talk to him tomorrow. He says that he’d like to see how long I would have lasted!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Anniversary #2

24 March 2025 – I drive home without looking at my phone, I am fuming. He is so dumb it hurts… She manipulated him so badly & he believed her & is now defending her to me, on our fucking anniversary! The first time in eight years that we’ve acknowledged it & he has to fucking defend the women he married – I get it, you chose her… She’s perfect & can’t do anything wrong. I’m the bitch. I’m the mistress making her man love me…. Yeah ok fuckwit! Why are we even talking about her! She got him, I get it, you don’t need to keep rubbing it in my fucking face that I didn’t say I love you enough so you didn’t chose me when push came to shove… Say you chose her because of your kids all you want, but he could have had the kids & me if he believed how much I loved him & wasn’t so fucking scared of being alone!

It’s a Monday night so she’s at work, a night when we get to chat to each other longer but I really have no desire to look at my messages from him. I know I am just going to say something rude & I want this day to be a happy day – but that’s shot to shit. I pull in the driveway see the flowers on my doorstep, I am going to stomp on them & throw them away, he is a fuckhead. Do not defend your wife to your mistress, especially when your wife is mentally unstable & played you like a fiddle… As I walk inside, I am struggling with all my crap in my arms – I have my jacket, handbag, lunch bag & an open can of coke, plus my keys, when I pick up the flowers & I realise that there is something under the mat, I lift the mat corner & notice a long rectangular navy blue box with a gold embossed line around the edge. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS… Is this jewellery? What the fuck has he done!? I walk inside, put all my stuff down desperate to open the box. I open it to reveal a very thin gold bracelet with three little ‘Love’ words two in gold & one in silver, spaced evenly. It’s very delicate & very me considering I lately always mix my metals. Fuck you Phoenix. I sigh, but I smirk, which leads to a smile. I snap it shut trying to keep this angry mood, I feed the dogs & go to the toilet, but I come back to the bracelet, I smile as I open the box again, I take it out & put it on.

“Firstly, thank you for the flowers & bracelet. I fucking hate that I am smiling like a fucking wanker…. 😑 Secondly, don’t just trivialise my feelings all the fucking time…” Phoenix won’t believe this but no man has ever bought be jewellery before. I fucking love it & never want to take it off. “I don’t? Sucked in. You smiled. You have something to remember I love you now. Mind you I don’t think you ever needed reminding …” He says that the flowers were just a decoy for the cameras – that’s probably why they are just a standard bunch – I mean I am not knocking supermarket flowers, they are so much nicer than they used to be back in the day, they are still amazing flowers that have pride of place on my kitchen table but my point in the last post, was that they were modest because they weren’t the gift!!

I tell him how much I love it, the bracelet on my wrist melting my mood & changing the subject, I am kind of glad he didn’t give it to me face to face because I am not good with gifts, but I also say that he didn’t have to buy me a bracelet, I fucking love that he did, but he didn’t have to do it, he says. “Na you deserve it, you have done way too much for me over the last 8 years.” Well one thing about our friendship is that we have nothing to show for eight years except what is on my computer or saved in our snapchat conversation. So now that I have something from him, something to remind me of him (not that I need it) but something branding my wrist everyday to remind me that I am loved. I never need to question that, I can just look at my wrist & know that I am loved, even when he’s offline.

I know it’s not a cheap piece of crap, it’s from Prouds, it’s definitely gold, he says that the money is worth it, but I am not comfortable with it, considering he didn’t take the family to the Falling in Reverse concert the other night because it was too expensive & here’s a couple of hundred dollars that could have been put towards that. I love it don’t get me wrong, but I would have been happy with the flowers, a lunch date or a box of Cheezels to be perfectly honest! I never needed gifts from him, they’re great but I don’t need it. All I ever wanted from him was for him to be honest with me, tell me when he’s going to be on & offline, he never needed to buy me jewellery. I do tell him that it’s a first for me, he says he believes me. He says it’s not cheap but it’s not expensive “I should have the first time. Should of got you something a long time ago.” I mean I wish I had something, even just a photo of us, just something to prove we’ve had something more than just a secret affair. “But happy anniversary, I am glad I met you.” Awwww fuck. “And thank you for everything you have ever done for me, I know it’s not easy being the other woman. And you have had to do a lot of things for me to see me. That I took for granted. So yeah. You deserve it.” Fuck if I knew that reading my blog came with jewellery & confessions, I would have sent it to him years ago! I tell him that I love having something from him, that I love it & I love him. He says “And for some strange reason you still put up with me, and the shit I give you, sill make time to see me, still make an effort to work around me to see me after 8 years.” Yeah I don’t know why sometimes considering todays stupid conversation about his wife, I don’t know why I have stuck around.

About three sentences in to this next line of questioning, I hate myself for asking him if he had help picking it out. He asks who would have helped him & I say the salesperson, which he says they helped but he said he didn’t want to get me a ring for obvious reasons. I ask  “What did you say, I’m just buying something for my mistress what do you suggest??” I’m laughing, knowing he didn’t say that, but the smile is wiped off my face quickly, “I lied and said wife… Haha but would of be interesting to see the reaction.” FUCK. “Hmmm, I guess I asked for that stab.” The stab hurts more because I know her birthday is tomorrow too, so I bet he bought her jewellery too & suddenly I am realising that this doesn’t really mean much at all… Just another gift he had to buy because I made a big deal about the anniversary by putting the countdown on snapchat & saying it this morning. Fuck, why did I make a big deal about it… Urgh. I try to lighten my mood by saying that I don’t know how I’m going to explain it, maybe I’ll just say “It’s a gift from my married ex boyfriend who’s reading my blog…”

He says that he wishes he could’ve given it to me in person, I say that he could have but he said he didn’t know if he’d have time & so I say he could’ve given it to me on another day but he says he wanted me to have it today. But he could have shopped for our jewellery at the shops near my work & then had lunch… But I guess he didn’t want me to see what he got her, but he could have put it in the car, getting there early to buy it without telling me. I never expected a gift, so I didn’t think to get him anything. I have to think of something good, something he can hide but something that lets him know how much I love him. Fuck, what can I get him?!

I then have a little confession to tell him, “My sister gave me her phone last night to try to get rid of some notification her FB – it wouldn’t go away, so I was playing around with the app, the first post on her wall (if that’s what they’re called these days) was a suburb group that she’s in, I dunno what, like a buy swap sell or something… So I checked… You’re in it… You’ve posted in it… I looked at some of them…“ Basically it was the most boring stalk on the planet, but I looked & then couldn’t stop searching the group, “Okay. And the point of this is ? Haha. Why would you even tell me? Haha.” I don’t know but I guess because I don’t like to stalk & I got caught up it in… He posted nothing exciting, literally was bullshit mostly about the postie.

I mention something about The Handmaids Tale & it coming out soon, Phoenix tells me about some streaming service called Plex that runs off your PC, you download all your shows then you can stream them from your PC using Plex. He says that he could get the Handmaids Tale for me & give me his plex details. I say that I won’t hold him to it, but he says that he’ll look into it for me. He says something about his wife watching crime docos & I don’t want to talk about her again or know that I have something in common with her. I say that I don’t want to be like her & he says that I am much sexier but he also asks if I want him to stop mentioning her. I mean I want him to be honest about her & I don’t want him to have to sensor what he talks about with me, she is part of his life – the biggest part of his life, I just wish it wasn’t so often or that he is so defensive about her. He says I go funny when he mentions her, yeah because he brings her up a lot, usually as a compliment to me & how much better I am, yet you still fucking choose to be with her every day. But most of the things he says just make me feel bad about myself, like how much weight she is losing or how much money she earns…

I tell him about the weird stalker down the street who offers to mow my lawns sometimes, I figure that the camera footage I have of that will help a murder investigation for me, but Pheonix says he will be the main suspect, well to be honest, his wife would be. When he watches the videos he says “I mean if I was diving Past and saw you wearing that. And you were single. And I had seen you on tindee. I’d want to take you out for coffee too. So I can’t talk.” I was wearing a little t shirt dress, nothing terribly exciting!

We’re mid conversation & he says “I’m heading off line now…” so I say ok bye, he sends me my initials with a x but I don’t give it back, I hate when he does this, literally halfway through a conversation about how he lost his virginity & he just rushes off, again it’s our anniversary & I’m not even going to get anything sweet from him, just one x , he says he’s wants his initials back, bit I don’t do it. “Well you run off, I didn’t even think you’d see the message.. I was going to say thank you & shit but I was like ok, off you run then.” He says that he can wake up to it, but he really doesn’t know what it feels like to be left on unread, particularly when you’ve said good night & he couldn’t even wait around five more seconds to read it… It’s fucking infuriating & he will never get it because I never do it to him! I understand that the says that he tries to talk to me right up to the last second he can, which is why he used to rush off really quickly, but from my perspective, I just see that my message goes unread for hours or that it gets read & not replied to for hours… He will never see it from my side, despite reading about it in the blog & how much it fucked me off back then, now doing it again. I made peace with it the last five years because we weren’t having conversations, we barely spoke online, we’d set up the next fuck date & that was about it. Now we’re having a conversation again, there is nothing ruder that being left without knowing the other has left the chat. He was talking about MSN & how he met the chick he lost his virginity too on there, does he not remember that we used to say back then BRB so we weren’t rude & silent for ages?! Why the fuck can’t he just communicate better when he needs to go offline, while halfway through a D&M?!

Really, the anniversary conversation didn’t get any better, did it?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Anniversary

24 March 2025 – Today is our eight year anniversary of when we met on the chat app, of when we started talking online. Can you believe it, EIGHT fucking years! You don’t know this about me but eight is my number, so the fact that it’s this number when Phoenix has decided to come out the woodworks & open up this dialogue, means something & EIGHT is going to be lucky for us! 🎱

He doesn’t say it, fucking asshat! I know because he’s being a dick so I decide not to hold back, I’ve never celebrated an anniversary before. “🖤 Happy anniversary Phoenix! 🖤” He asks if I was excited to say that to him, I say that I was waiting for him to say it to me, “Happy Anniversary #IBD4U 🙂”  I mean don’t go all out or anything Phoenix… Fuck wit, I remind him “Not all of us have had 8 year or even 4+ anniversaries… So… Don’t make me feel special.” I mean I don’t think he is capable of making me feel special, ever. He has made me feel special sexually but the stubborn ass can’t even say happy anniversary to me. “I think I changed your life on this day. You met someone that could love you and did love you” Well fuck. Maybe he can?!

Today of all days, he reads about our first break up. So what I understand is that he has only read bits & pieces of the blog, so he didn’t read it in its entirety & he didn’t read about our breakup because it was too much for him. So it makes more sense that he read all the shit I did post break up, fucking everything & anyone when he came back online in an open relationship. He forgets I didn’t fuck anyone for months prior to him coming back online with matching user names saying he was open & telling me all about it. I had basically lost 10 kgs & hadn’t even talked to another man & he thought I had moved on. He says “I questioned if you even loved me … the way I did. There is so much I got wrong , or refused to believe about you even in emails you sent.” I poured my heart out in those emails, as a stupid last ditch effort to hold onto our friendship, to try to show him, to little to late that I did love him so much. Turns out no matter what I wrote wasn’t going to change anything, he didn’t believe me & even now, only after reading my blog he believes me but still picks apart everything to suit his own made up story & his shitty self esteem of what he thinks he or I deserve.

“In my mind I was the one that fell in love … and you just kinda of went along with it, there is no way you loved me if you could just fuck others so easily. Like I knew you loved me. But I didn’t think it was deep. I didn’t think it would even affect you for one day…” How could he think I fucked others so easily, I didn’t have sex with anyone for months after we ended the first time. “And in my mind you had your wife & family & I was just a used mistress… 🤷🏼‍♀️ And you cut me out so easily that’s what I believed.” I don’t think we’ll ever agree, he’s made up his mind that I was fucking people the next day after he shattered my heart. Which I was not.

“If you go back and read your blog… I’m the one that makes all the effort with feelings  And love. Which I knew. I’m the one that would push the convos. Or admit it first. You told me you don’t catch feelings… There was a part of me that bo. Believed it right to the end.” You know what, I don’t need to go back & read it, I know what my biggest regret was, I tried to rectify it in affair two but he was too busy flirting publicly with someone in the chat groups to notice, knowing he was getting married so keeping me at a distance so when I backed off, he had Cowboys mistress to take my place. In fact she was lined up to be along side me, so there wasn’t a place to take, I didn’t have a place, he even said that second affair was fair game… That’s not at all what I thought during that time. He never thought I would put myself first & end it.

He says, “I don’t understand why you didn’t think I felt the same way? I was the one always putting convo, and the risk of looking vulnerable on the line… Why would an idiot do that if he wasn’t madly fuckin in love with you. Especially someone like me. Also I had never read the words of periscope in text format until this week, just always listened to as a song but did relate to the lyrics and all it did was make me think of you… But My God itt is fucked just reading it in text format….” He forgets that he was engaged, got her pregnant, was spending money on the house & furniture, going on trips, that I say, “You were never making any attempts to separate yourself from that. You were also a master liar. And regardless of why you made your decisions, eveything you did, excluded me. So how could you possibly love me the same??” Our circumstances were our biggest downfall…“It boggles my mind I even shared periscope with you. That was all situational but either way. As if I sent you that song haha. It killed me loving you from afar… And I wanted you to know. I obviously also could of lied about telling you we had a future, drop little seeds that I wanted us together , to live with other and all that” Situational? Really… He chose what he chose. She got pregnant after he met me & if he really had feelings for me before he met me, then he wouldn’t have got her pregnant… Men fake it all the time or use the pull out method… & as he got deeper into this with me, he could have left, when she found out, he had a choice to leave & didn’t, saying he chose his kids but he ultimately chose her & chose to continue to destroy me when they became open, rubbing it in my face trying to get me to move on & hate him, but all he achieved was destroying what little self-esteem I had.

Why is he having this conversation with me today, I am at work, I am not going to be able to see him today. “I don’t know if I write about it but I just literally pictured toy having family time & never thinking about me. Never worrying about my feelings – which keys face it sometimes you didn’t & would treat me like shit so I just did what I needed to in my mind.” He says that he struggled with it, his life did go on but he thought about me all the time. But how am I supposed to know that? He was open about his feelings, yes I agree, he was the first one to bring them up all the time, but for all I knew that could have been in the cheating man manual to keep the mistress. Just as he didn’t believe my feelings for him were as deep as his were, I didn’t believe that he even gave a fuck about me when he logged off, especially because he logged off mid-sentence sometimes, not coming back online till the next day making me feel like a fool for sitting up waiting while he’s off having sex with his wife.

He tells me that he thinks he fucked me up for anything in the future, I know he did but interesting that he can see it now after reading my experiences post break up one with him, “Hence why I think I fucked you up. If you didn’t know what kinda of chemistry you were looking for after me. Would it have affected your dating life *. Because you thought about me alot…you thought about me everytime you met someone, everytime you fucked someone , you thought about when I cut you out, you thought about me when I didn’t chat to you for over 12 months, you thought about me even if I only saw you for sex once a month… I never left your thoughts.. I’m not sure that was a good thing for you… It’s a good thing for me to see when I stumble across your blog 8 yesds later while I’m mostly ignoring you haha!” Of course it’s good for him! I wish I could read his written inner most thoughts about me.

One thing that really upsets me about today, not just this conversation that we seem to keep having, over & over, but he’s got today off, he has been so persistent about meeting me for lunches at work – as much as possible were his words & Phoenix is at the shops near my house, sending me a snap of his lunch at his favourite place. Why didn’t he make the effort to drive an extra 20 minutes to come to my work to see me for lunch for our anniversary. I get he can’t see me all the time, but if he had the day off, wouldn’t he have wanted to see me today? It’s actually really disappointing to think that he didn’t make the effort. Then he says “I just triggered the cameras for your bikie fortress.” WHAT? So I have about nine cameras that go off all day long, especially with the dogs, so I never look at the notifications, which kind of defeats the purpose of them really, so I have no clue what he is on about… But of course I look because he’s obviously been to my house. Again, I am a little disappointed because why didn’t he want to physically see me today. When I tell him that I get so many notifications & never look at them he says that he wishes he knew that before he said anything. I watch the cameras, I see that he pulled up in my driveway, gets out of the car with some flowers, a small modest bunch, servo/supermarket type flowers but flowers none the less, he leaves them at my front door & leaves. How fucking cute… I fucking love that he has done this & my sadness for him not seeing me at work fades a little, but I do wish he had of seen me rather than buy me flowers.

But because Phoenix makes a joke about the toy that Max left in my letterbox years ago, that he just did the same, we end up in a fight about his wife stalking me & knowing my real name. Well she apparently thinks that my middle name which is my name on Facebook is my real last name so she doesn’t know my real last name, still to this very day according to him, but he blocked me on her account – which if he did, then how did she see that Papa Roach post?! Hmmm, shit doesn’t add up when I write about it… He says he did try to protect me & I pose the question to him, does anyone I know knows where he lives? Which only my sister knows where to find the information but she doesn’t know where he lives, he says “Well. That one was awkward because my stuff was at your house .. And she obviously didn’t trust me to see you alone … I asked to have two relationships and continue with both of them at hospital which didn’t go down well.. I know that hurt you alot though…” I still will never see his side of this, EVER. He could have gotten his shit back any other way than bringing a mentally ill scorned partner to my home! & I doubt he asked her to have two relationships, she said no & was totally fine with it, becoming all kinky & open. “And she obviously knew I was ready to leave her. I didn’t let her in your house. I asked her not to ever do anything and she agreed and she never did. It makes her feel sick if she does down your street. She wouldn’t go get her beauty stuff alone unless I drove her. Because she couldn’t drive on your street.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! He brought her to my street for her fucking beauty treatments after the end of the affair?! While I was distraught & a shell of a human, he is sitting two houses down from my house in his car, while she gets her lashes done! He says “yep” & I say “Oh, yeah get fucked… Honestly.” I put my phone down, I am beyond angry! I don’t give a fuck if he’s just delivered flowers to my house.

“Yep. Her business was on your street. She did it from her house. So we would have to go to your street for her beauty treatments. This is obviously when she knew where you lived … And I think I was fucking you again 😐. So that was always a fun trip ! Her house was towards the bottom of your street. Once we got married she moved stores and lost touch with her. So she hasn’t been in a long time. And obviously I lost my job so not much money. Adelaide is small… But I still have no idea how the woman knew some of your sex life. Or why she told my wife. There must of been some kind of mutual friend or customer that saw both of you or read your blog. I obviously had no idea about your blog … so my guess what sweetie at the time … but I believe you let alot of your friends read your blog … And being on the same street you came up in convos…. mind you my wife has told every friend I cheated on her. Including new ones she has made such her current bf. I thought you knew she did her business on your street?” I am so fucking angry. No woman I know is going to two beauty people two houses apart, any of my clients would have told me & they would have 100% not talked about me & my sex life, I did not go into detail with clients at that time. Furthermore – (Yes I am in angry lawyer tone mode), to be clear, he wasn’t fucking me again at that point & I certainly wasn’t posting on my blog at that time either. I finally reply that they were obviously having a good old laugh while they drove to my house, but he says “that is not how it happened….. every time was a very awkward rive, with her almost throwing up, very little words spoken…. very awkward each time … no laughing at all….. it is not how you think… we had never had a conversation or laugh at your expensive…. FYI……. sooo umm I read through the break ups…. I’m still not sure why I am meant to hate you???”

I am leaving work & I am going to go home & throw the flowers in the fucking bin… I am so fucking angry. “Why would she even go to someone in my street if ‘almost throwing up’ Seems legit.” No fucking discounted beauty treatment is worth it, if you’re having a real panic attack, let me assure you! “Because she didn’t know at the start when the offer came up for cheap beauty… But she made me drive her.. And it wasn’t comfortable.. I’m not lying… You make up some weird stuff about me and my wife in your brain sometimes. But believe whatever you want.. Clearly it’s pissed you off 🤷‍♂️ Mind you she probably made up stuff in her head about you.. But whatever” Typical, he’s got to be the most pissed off one – didn’t he make shit up in his head about how special J-Lo & Rob Rob were to me?! But it’s not him I don’t believe, it’s her… Oh I believe she made him drive her, not at all doubting that, I hate how much of a fool I feel now finding that out like six years later though, but what I don’t believe for a second was that she was genuinely having a panic attack – it was fucking fake & he fell for it, she just wanted for me to see them. She was 100% hoping I would see them driving together, still together & in my street… He’s a fucking dickhead if he thinks it was really for discounted beauty treatments!

What a fucking amazing anniversary this turned out to be!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Awkward?

23 March 025 – I can never get in first – it’s always well before 5:00am, I wake up early to chat to him but definitely never that early. I have shown him my super geeky side… “I go to sleep and wake up with only thoughts of you.  Your the last thing on my mind when I snuggle down to sleep & the first thought when I wake up… Also just want to make sure you still love me now you know I’m not cool & just a dork… Though not as dorky to add cable ties to my helmet…” He says “And you wonder why I kept distance… Why I chatted to others, “ I guess I just never thought he was chatting to others while looking at the message I’d sent him a week ago & didn’t click on it. “And ignored you. Because this happens. Every single fuck time. But it doesn’t just happen to you. It happens to me!” I tell him that he is still the first & the last thing on my mind even when he was keeping his distance, not that he’ll believe that!

Then Phoenix calls me, without warning – not like him. It’s a Sunday, obviously his wife’s weekend on, since we caught up yesterday afternoon in person. It’s very early in the morning, but we talk for 2.5 hours! How the fuck do we have so much to say? I fucking love the voice calls with him. I can’t remember ever having 2.5 hours phone calls with a boy ever or a girl friend either for that matter… Not that he’ll believe that either so I don’t even bother telling him that either.

For his Facebook page he has a persistent fan who’s wanting to do a podcast so he’s meeting with the dude to work out the details. I have to admit I am jealous. I have wanted to do an #IBD4U podcast for a while. I came close with Daisy, but it was always me pushing for it, not to other participants. So it never happened as you all know. But I think Phoenix should do this. I am his number one supporter & can’t wait to listen to it. I’m sure his wife feels the same! BAHAHAHA. I do ask about the format & how it would work which Phoenix has no clue what the guy is planning or what he’s thinking but when he goes off for the video meeting & returns telling me it was a chick, he’s now all of a sudden more interested in doing it! What a fucking surprise, you stupid wanker.

When he mentions that there was a small part of him that thought that after five years of not talking normally with me, that it might be awkward & he was scared it would be weird. “Our conversation was still natural, still had a connection, no awkwardness. Like we had stopped chatting 7 days ago. I was scared it wasn’t going to be like that.. Have you not been friends with someone epecially online where have gone back a month later and it isn’t same ?” Ironically, I am more scared of this dynamic than I am of it being awkward with Phoenix. We won’t ever be awkward, even if we don’t speak for months or years… I knew that if he let his guard down at anytime that I would not be able to resist him. I want to resist & honestly, I felt like I was holding back when I was living it, but reading back on the conversation now, I was fucking kidding myself. My walls were so far down, there wasn’t even a retaining wall, hell there wasn’t even a brick!

I say “I definitely feel more connected & more honest with you though & definitely don’t love what we’ve been through or what we’ve done to each other, but it’s sorta needed to happen to get us to a point we can be like this, especially considering our similar personality traits.” He says that I often shared, but I did pull back about telling him about guys I was fucking or dating, um that’s cos there were none! The last guy I fucked was M8 & the last guy I went on a date with was just a walk on the beach, nothing to write home about & nothing to bother jeopardising the good sex I have with him over. “I mean your blog proves that but I refuse to believe that hahs.” He never believes me, but at least he’s read my blog now & knows that I was posting everything on there… I stopped posting because there was only Marvel to write about, as you read, I barely had anything for 2024 about him… Now he’s Phoenix, there is so much to say!

One thing he brings up often & hindsight is a wonderful things as I reflect on what we talked about because he brings up J-Lo & Rob Rob often saying there were in similar situations to him, that I had connections with them, I never denied that, he says that I had backups but “I had none but anyway moving along.” I never had backups. Does Phoenix not realise we’ve broken up completely twice & neither time did I get into anything at all like I had with Phoenix with ether of them, they were friends, that’s it… Phoenix also forgets that he rubbed in my face about Cowboys mistress & some other women he stopped chatting too when he started getting feelings, all the while he has a wife & is stringing me along. So I am not even sure why he thinks what I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob is any different to what he had with those two women & his wife. I only knew about about his wife.

He asks if I was ever going to ask him if he was reading my blog when I was so sure that he was. I was fairly sure but I also wasn’t, so I didn’t want to bring it up & push him away or him say no, then go looking for it, read it & hate me as I expected him too. I didn’t want him to read it. I never expected him to read it. I send me a long winded message “You’ll have something to say about this I’m sure… I had stopped sleeping with others – as I’ve said, I did chat but nothing sexy I won’t deny chatting & obviously I went on dates… But in the last few years, maybe just the last year, I have felt more with you & you’d see that if I posted the drafts I have of you on word… I felt like you were still only chatting like fortnightly but when we were together I felt something more from you. I felt like I was getting a little of what we had back. I always loved you, obviously but the level of how much was less & in the last year or so I have realised I was again denying that I loved you still… So I didn’t want to push it with you & I knew I shouldn’t love you that way again, especially when you didn’t feel the same…So I kept up my miss tough exterior.” I don’t know if he is trying to be funny or he’s just showing me that he is still Marvel deep down but his reply comes as I am sending my next reply, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent it “You only stopped sleeping with others because you have the 3rd highest body count in Adelaide, and you didn’t want to enter the Guiness book of records.” FUCK YOU. My message is sent at the same time I read that, “Now I know you did feel the same way, I wish I told you, cos I hate that you don’t know. It was my biggest regret not telling you how much I loved & adored you..” So I add, “Actual fuck you.” He says that he was laughing as he typed that out & I know his shitty sense of humour but the thing is, that all the men I’ve slept with & he’s the only one that has gotten under my skin & I can’t get rid of, that I don’t want to get rid of, I don’t want to stop talking too… He’s the only one that became my best friend, something he will never understand means more to me than anyone that I’ve fucked or any other guys I had a friendship with. They were not my everything, Phoenix was & fucking clearly still is!

“You sick of me yet after 4 weeks?” I’m sick of him with this poor self esteem & despite reading my blog which is my private (but publicly published journal) & what it proves, since he apparently picks apart the timelines. I say, “4 weeks? Try like 8 years.. Are you sick of me yet?” I know he’s not because he’s the one that started this “Clearly not. As I want more from than you than stupid sex. And I love learning all the new shit about you that isn’t sexual even after 8 years🤷‍♂️ And want more…” Fuck… I do love too that I am learning more about him too, I also feel like I can be more honest with him about everything. I guess that’s what happens when two people know each other so well but also because of the situation, held things back so much that destroyed both of them. I send him a meme that I have made todays heart, I find this so funny that we are so similar that we can call each other out on so many things, but not when it comes to our feelings.

This is when he tells me that his wife is on Ozempic. Oh fucking great. I am here telling him about how fucking huge I feel & she’s recently started taking a weight loss drug, while I work out like a crazy person & still never lose weight. in fact I’ve been putting on weight at the speed of light. 13kgs since I’ve been in this awful job. He tells me that I am much sexier & my tummy is flatter, that she doesn’t look after herself at all. I mean that is not as reassuring as he thinks it is, she is going to get skinny just by injecting herself & I am just going to be fat forever. I send him a picture of my lumpy hips & he says that I have lost weight in the last few months – which ironically isn’t true from the scales. He tries to get me to promise to him that I won’t look at the scales for three months, but I won’t make that promise to him. I send a series of pictures to him of my new lingerie that is basically like Lycra & very obvious from the wet patch that my cunt is very wet, I send him a video of me cumming because these panties feel so soft & silky, he goes outside to watch the video so he can hear me cum without his kids hearing too.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Public Toilet Sex

22 March 2025 – He talks about me ‘not letting the month lapse’ & he finds it weird that even when things were progressing with the Electrician M8 or other men that I wouldn’t have just let one month with Phoenix lapse. But I think because he reads one or two blog posts about them that it means it went for a significant amount of time, or were consistent… Just think about this – this man has four nicknames on my blog. 60 Posts under Noodle, 39 posts under Silverlining, ironically 39 under Marvel & now we’re up to 9 of Phoenix & we’re just getting started! It’s been almost eight years since I met this man online. The longest thing I have ever had with anyone. Why would I give that up so quickly for a dude who doesn’t even message me after they fucked me?! “If you were not trying… enticing me, sexting me, showing me availabilities.. You would got it way less. You were leading this Shitty affair I gave you this time. For some strange you reason you tried to make it work.” Is he being funny?! I led this??? I didn’t lead this at all, I pushed hard to see him at the start but he dictated when & where, including when we would chat. I couldn’t reach out to him when he’d logged off for weeks. I was available more than he talked to me, days that would be better with work but he’d be logged off so I would have to make it work when he did come back online to meet up. I wouldn’t say at all that I was the one leading this!

He tells me that he hasn’t had an online friendship with anyone else online in about three years, oddly about the same time as it was that I last had sex with M8. “I did have a married woman become good friends me with from the anon app about 3 years ago, it lasted about 6 months but I ended it before and feelings happened, I learned my lesson with you haha. And she was south too.” Honestly, does he purposely say this shit to piss me off, or is he just trying to play tit for that that he another friendship online. I don’t deny I had other friendships with partnered men that he seems to think are a bigger deal than they were, but I never once said I ended anything with anyone because I felt like I was getting feelings for them… He was online chatting to someone else & falling for them, while I was still in the picture. I ask if he had feelings for this woman & he says “Not quite but got close.” Fuck, he’ll just fall in love with anyone… He goes on & on about him not being special sexually to me but he’s so desperate for attention that he’ll fall in love with anyone online, I am not as special as I thought. His love isn’t as special as I have made it to be… That’s now two women he’s mentioned. Is he just trying to get back at me because he thinks the friendships I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob were more than what they really were? Ask both men, they will tell you that I mainly talked about Phoenix, asking advice mostly & when I did write that I thought I could see myself with either if they were single, I wrote that after Noodle had broken my fucking heart by choosing someone else! “I had one long term friendship that was it , and I only told you just then to make you jealous 🤷‍♂️” Well it fucking works.

I don’t even remember what our snap streak is at this point, maybe 14 or something but he says it’s the longest has ever had. I haven’t had one over two days & he doesn’t believe me but tells me that he has had one up to seven days with someone. I am so angry, “And I supposed you’ve had a super BFF before the too… And what fucks me off more, is that you were on snap, everyday snapping someone else & leaving my message unread…. Fuck you. Prick. Next time I am gonna crumb my shit & fry it for your lunch…!” I am so annoyed, three years ago while chatting to this woman & other women, getting snap fucking streaks with them, he was logging on to snapchat every day & I was looking at it waiting for him to message me. HE WAS ONLINE EVERYDAY!! Choosing not to look at my message, my story or send me one message. He rubs it in my face “Oh yeah baby i can have long term online friendships too.” What a fucking prick. “I just feel like a cockhead sitting around thinking, Phoenix must be having the best sex with his wife, which is why he’s not messaging me… And all the while you’re sending dick pics to someone else & pretending not to check snap…  And getting feelings for her…. So yeah, you cannot be pissed about rob rob or Jlo ever again.” Get fucked wanker. I am not taking shit for J-Lo or Rob Rob ever again, even if he does look for quotes as he keeps threatening. He’s made up his mind, I can’t even be bothered arguing with him about it now. I am done defending myself. “You got nothing to defend yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong  I’m just jealous he got to do a fantasy I wanted to do with you that you gave me negative vibes about he, he obviously was more direct than me and you gave him what he wanted that was something I always wanted 🤷‍♂️ That’s my problem not yours. You have no fucking idea how angry it makes me though sometimes. I really really struggled with it at your house the other day. So have fun with that one when the anger takes over my mind … hahs. And yet here I am still not hating you, still fuckin love you like the retard I am 🤷‍♂️  One day you will let me push you away.” But I stupidly keep trying, “I have no idea when you ever asks for it & why I would’ve give negative vibes. I have fucked you at a train station, in a car wash, in your work, in the car, in your fucking bed… I find it hard to believe I would have had a problem with it.” I just don’t remember it the same way. Why would I have said no if I had fucked him every where & for the record, he never asked to fuck me at the car wash or the train station, I asked for that, in fact Phoenix has never really asked for anything besides the threesome, which I gave him & he gave the one I wanted to his wife who was super kinky for five whole minutes – crying after fucking other men… Yeah whatever!

He’s being such a wanker about the public toilet, I ask if he’s working & send a screenshot of where the public toilets are around his house when he says he isn’t working. But he says it doesn’t matter anymore, that Rob Rob got what he wanted & it no longer interests him. “It’s the only thing I have hated.. I hinted I wanted something, you said it didn’t interest you.. And then did it very quickly with another guy that you have the sams dynamic with. Every thing else made me love you more. I was totally ignored. And someone else wasn’t.. For something I wanted.” Either I am not a good writer or he is just a fuck wit because if I don’t convey how torn I was, how heart broken I was during the public toilet incident with Rob Rob, that the only way I was ever going to cum was Rob Rob saying shit about Phoenix. I fucking hate him right now, “You’re being such a wanker & I just want to strangle you. I did something so nice & that I’ve never done before, felt like a bit of a twat really being myself, with the napkin & s&p – but all you’ve done all afternoon is pick a fight. I don’t even know what to say, but I’m sorry I wasn’t a virgin when I met you or turned back into a virgin after we ended.” I ask him what is truly wrong? Why is he picking a fight with me when he can clearly see that I fucked him in a toilet after we broke up, he fucked another guy with wife after we broke up & it was so fucking clear that was my number one fantasy & still is. I didn’t even know what he wanted a toilet fantasy. He even admits he didn’t push me on it. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember him ever asking for anything at all, let alone public toilet sex!

I tell him I should have fucked him today to put him in a better mood but he says that it wouldn’t have made a difference, “Doesn’t matter what I want. Never did.” Oh god, this is a very different petulant teenage side of him I’ve never see before. Not like this. I wish he could see what is more important to me & what should be more important to him especially since he is the one pushing this new normal of our friendship, “The special stuff to me, is heating your lunch & wrapping it in a tea towel so it stays warm but putting a ice pack in another bag for your Pepsi so that’s cold & your lunch was warm.. Yeah when we sat on the bench, I put my legs over your legs…” Maybe he is starting to soften? “You have no idea how much I appreciated that. And loved that you did for me.”

Finally out of this mood, he says “I think we should go to Victor on the day off you have for your gums, I think it would be nice to go for a drive, they have nice beaches and icecream , I mean it’s not the most exciting place but you can’t eat anything so yeah.” & I ask him if he’s ever heard of geocaching. Apparently the first rule of geocaching is that you don’t talk about it but I’m probably sure that I have talked about it before but basically it’s using multi million dollar satellites that are for GPS, to locate Tupperware in the bushes! When I tell him about it, I tell him that it’s super geeky & remind him that I am not the amazing cool chick that he thinks I am. He even says that it’s beyond his dork levels. & it makes me think that maybe if I told him about this geeky side of me, having found over 300 while away on work trips & overseas, that he wouldn’t have put me on such a cool pedestal & thought I was too good for him? I ask him if he still loves me as a joke of course, “Na makes me love you more. I like the idea of seeing your dorky side. Every guy gets to see your sex side🤷‍♂️” Of course Phoenix finds a way to make it cooler than it is, saying that’s for people with 4WD’s & he’s not into cars, saying that he’s still the bigger geek. Or I think the word of our day was dork, I forget why but he said something at lunch about dorks & made me laugh. He says that we can’t have sex on this date but we can geocache, we go back & forth for ages me saying no & him saying yes until he says, “I loved today. I want more of it.” & the more he says shit like that to me, the more I want it too…

I mean I know I said that my heart will get involved if we keep having these sexless dates, but I am deluded if I am still telling myself that it’s not involved. I’ve changed his name to Phoenix for fuck sake because Marvel has too many bad memories. I talked about Phoenix rising from the ashes of the painful memories of Marvel. So if I am not involved here, my walls aren’t down, my heart open fully, then I am not at all being honest with myself. Not even a little bit. If today, taking napkins for pasta for our picnic at the beach, didn’t prove to myself that I am fuckidy-fuck-fuck-fucked, then nothing will…

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Loyalty

21 March 2025 – He says that I once told him in person about the blog. I don’t remember this either so I can’t say that I did or didn’t. However I highly doubt I did, given how scared I was for him to find it… I am so fucking scared of him reading it & hating me, that when things are good between us I didn’t post on it at all… When things went bad & we weren’t talking, I didn’t care what happened so I picked up writing again. I may have told him I wrote, but I don’t think I would have said dating blog & I know I wouldn’t have told him the name. If he knew about it too, I’m sure he would have bugged me for it or looked for it at least. I think the name would scare off anyone… Especially since my whole romantic comedy scenario of rekindling with the man at the end of the movie & saying ‘I’ve been dating for you’ before the credits roll, would be enough to scare any prospective male off!

He’s still reading it, “It’s fascinating watching you fall in love and develop feelings but not admit , not only to me, but to yourself.” I mean I feel like a fuckwit looking back & how dumb I was about falling in love with him & not even knowing what it was that I was feeling or believing that he had feelings for me. He will never get this but because the feelings stuff has been what his relationships have been based on, that’s easy for him… That hasn’t been the easy side of relationships for me, sex was easy & the thing I knew. I gave him the thing I thought he wanted – sex, he had the love, the relationship, the kids, the house, why would he want or need anything other than sex from me?!

We talk about Travel Agent. I mention that I never told anyone about what happened until my blog, I had told everyone that I ended things with him because he cut up all his food, when it was in fact, the night he pretended to put on & take off the condom, paired with Travel Agents desire to have a baby. Phoenix dismissive comments that I don’t think are meant the way they come across but because I am sensitive about this story, they really upset me, “Men do that shit all the time … the condom thing. Every woman has had that happen to them.” I don’t want to talk about this anymore… I felt so shit about that night, so bad (at the time – looking back I don’t know why I let it affect me so much) but I did & after that incident, I didn’t have sex with anyone for four years after that & Phoenix has just dismissed my feelings in an off the cuff comment. Just as his wife does to him…. Monkey see, Monkey do, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised, Phoenix openly admits he has no empathy for anyone. But I can’t help but be hurt by him trivialising how I feel – as he does often, about something that was so significant in my eyes, that I just snap “Don’t worry, it’s happened to every chick. So doesn’t matter. Anyway, time for bed. Night ABC.” No kisses, I don’t even wait for a reply before I put my phone down & try to go to sleep, knowing I am going to be tossing & turning all night feeling so trivialised by my best friend, so trivialised by the man I consider – dare I say it, a significant other…

---

22 March 2025 – He says the next day that he was trying to make me feel better about it by saying that everyone has had that happen to them so I didn’t need to feel bad about it, but he thinks he must have done a shit job. I think he is just trying to back pedal after he realised how much it did upset me, but he says that he read that entry & realises that it fucked me up & still does to this very day. He just doesn’t realise how his words hurt me & how it’s exactly how he’s treated by his wife, so it surprises me sometimes when he does talk to me this way. I get he has no empathy but fuck his levels of not caring are way higher than I thought – considering how fucking open about his feelings he is this time around. I guess that’s where he & I are different. I try my hardest to make him not feel shit about anything he tells me, I don’t always succeed of course, but it’s never like he does to me. He makes me feel so little & stupid all the fucking time…

We don’t talk a lot this morning because I am still trying not to be pissed off & baking cookies to take for lunch when I meet him after work later today, so when he calls me unexpectedly on his morning break, I assume it’s because he’s going to bail. So I automatically am pissed off more when I answer. It’s not though – I love the surprise call. I admit, just a mundane call, not when I am in bed to have phone sex… Just a call while he is on his break thinking of me, wanting to talk to me – make me feel better just hearing his voice, knowing that he was just thinking he wanted a chat. I hate that he knows just what to do to make me feel better again. Something so simple & I melt. I feel like I have to pump him up a lot that it’s nice that he’s actually doing it for me for a change! It’s so fucking cute & I love talking to him on the phone… Is it because it’s something we’ve never done? Or is it because we somehow have so much to say that texting is not enough anymore? Is it the sound of his voice? Is it just that he wants to talk to me that makes me enjoy it? When he gets off the phone I text him to thank him for calling & he calls me his little nectarine, a weird but cute nickname that makes me giggle. I think back & realise he never called me nicknames, especially the nickname that everyone on the chat app called me & he says that he’s a stubborn dickhead & was never going to call me the name everyone else did.

I am about to leave to go see him for lunch for about an hour. I pack the lunch, which I’ve heated & wrapped in tea towels. I packed knives & forks, salt & pepper, napkins & the cookies. I pack him a Pepsi Max. We’re going to sit by the beach & have a little picnic because we’re not having sex. The weather is cooler but we sit on a park bench in the sun. He eats a lot & quickly, then tells me the cookies are fattening but eats about 4 or 5 of them, saying how good they are. After I pack everything away, I put my legs up on his legs so he runs his hands along them. We kiss, we talk, we eat, we laugh, we touch but we don’t have sex… I want him. I want him so badly. It’s weird for me because I know that our friendship is built on sex & online chats, so it’s easy, it’s simple & it’s what I know. This sexless date is new, exciting & scary. So fucking scary… If I don’t have sex with him when I see him, it changes our dynamic… I don’t know how to be anything else with him or any man for that matter. If I allow this sexless date thing to keep going, my heart will be invested. I do tease him to try to get him to give in, but he doesn’t. We don’t get a long time together, probably longer than he was planning about an hour & a half, before I drop him back at his work & at his car. We kiss goodbye & I head off to the shops not having to wait long for a message from him, “It’s nice not doing just sex … I like it … as frustrating as it is… You are fucking amazing … thanks for lunch. It’s hard not to tell you I love when I say goodbye too 🙃” I wanted him so badly, I won’t deny that, but I don’t know if I was so desperate because I didn’t want to let my heart get so involved or because I was so wet & frustrated – of both? I wanted to say I love you to him too, but he said he didn’t want to say it all time. He was the one who said that, I said I didn’t want it to be a habit, but he said he didn’t want to say it all the time. I mean probably because he’s protecting his heart, I say “Yeah I tried not to say it… Then hated myself for not saying it…” My biggest regret of affair one was that he didn’t believe how I really felt about him because I held back because of our situation. I put everything into affair two so he knew how I felt & he pushed me away then got married four days later… So I can’t help but be apprehensive this time especially since he’s told me he doesn’t want to say it all the time. His reply makes me smile, “So I wasn’t the only one?” No he’s never the only one but as always I follow his lead knowing that any day now, he can pull away, could log off for days, just as I’ve let my guard right down.

After a fucking cute & fun, light & cheeky afternoon, I don’t know why Phoenix does it but he starts to pick apart my blog. Particularly about how I think I am loyal but then reminds me that I fucked someone & didn’t tell him when I had told him I wasn’t fucking anyone else. I try to explain why I did fuck someone else, “ I justied it cos while I said I was wasn’t sleeping with others that was true but you weren’t ever 100% mine & I questioned both of our feelings constantly…. That I did those things because I was a fucking idiot not because I’m not loyal or wouldnt cheat on you…” He just says that being an idiot is being disloyal. I am not going to win here. He will never see my side of it. “I think making me feel special and lying about being only guy to degrade you during the first affair or not letting me know I wasn’t the only partnered guy having some sort of online friendship (with sexual undertones) is pretty fuckin disloyal. Oddly you end up telling me the times you kissed or had sex eventually. A loyal person also doesn’t need to justify being disloyal. I’m not a loyal person … I don’t claim to be. I just don’t think you are either, despite your claims. But I also know I was getting to close to you, and I would of looked for any reason to end it or at least create distance….and if you had told me or someone had told me about your good friendships with these other partnered guys on the chat app, or if I read your blog in real time… I 100% would of ended it, or continued fucking you but being very cold with no friendship, or follow of up chat or even time after sex. Infact I was always looking for reasons that couldn’t be justified to end our close friendship. Probally would of saved alot of heartache. I obviously thought to myself anything disloyal you did to me was highly justified able due to our situation and could never hold it against you. And the only time I got close to ghosting you or ending it with you was after the day I spent with you …which was due to varying factors and I felt in competition with others that weekend …and I got the shit end.” Literally being loyal is something I fundamentally hold as one of my values, maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not, maybe I can’t justify my actions away & still consider myself loyal, this crushes me more than any other mean thing he’s ever said to me, “Fine, I’m disloyal, I’m a cheater, I’m a liar & you shouldn’t trust me.” He says that he’s not trying to piss me off “I didn’t say you were a cheater ? Or that I didn’t trust you. I literally just said it was all justfied…. I have made it clear I love you. I no longer hide it. I have fallen in love with you even more again. Since talking to you properly again. Things are going to hurt me in your blog , things are going to upset me… You gotta take the good with the bad. I’m not perfect 🤷‍♂️” Maybe this is why I didn’t want him to read it? I’ve been saying that he’ll hate me if he does read it, but is it actually because I hate myself for being so pathetic with men for a snippet of their time that I didn’t want him to really see that side of me?

#IBD4U

I saw this on FaceBook in June this year. I just found the copy I made on word that I thought I would share being it’s Christmas day & not many of you will be logging on to read my blog… So here is a bit of an interesting filler post…

In the pic is the question & all the comments I copied…

I know why I was intrigued by the answers because I know what advice I would have given but don’t know if I would have taken the advice – typical me! Hahaha.

• Nope! We weren’t married, but I was pregnant and only found out after I had my son. They are married now and I’m still happily single. My son is almost 18 now
  
• I did , but you have to ” level up”
  
• I left, took a while though and also wasn’t husband
  
• I did, but only because I didn’t have the choice to leave. I eventually did leave tho, and life got a lot better after that.
  
• I did, with the promise that things would be better. Things did not get better.
  
• I did and completely regretted it
  
• I stayed with ex husband after he cheated several times during pregnancies 3 kids, 1 5 years of marriage but after he got another woman pregnant that was it for me, now I’m happily married to my second husband
  
• Happened to me. But later confirmed it to be true when my son was born and left him when my oldest was 4 and my son 6 months. It gets lonely sometimes but it’s better honestly.
  
• If I had a support system I could rely on, then no I wouldn’t stay with him. Pregnancy and birth, is a vulnerable time for a women and we were never meant to do it alone.
  
• No. That’s actually why my ex-husband and I got divorced
  
• I don’t think I can
  
• It hasn’t happened but NO I wouldn’t
  
• Yep happened and I just idk pretended it didn’t
  
• I did and it was the dumbest decision I made.
  
• That kind of betrayal is non negotiable
  
• I did…
  
• I say no,but I did. He never stopped. It took a few years to leave, but damn, it still feels good that I left. Even staying as long as I did.
  
• No. Even if not pregnant Never understood people who stay once cheating occurs. The relationship is dead after that. You CANT cheat on someone you love, so if someone cheats, the love is already gone or was just never there. There’s no coming back from things at that point….. you can’t rebuild what doesn’t exist
  
• If your spouse ever cheats, pregnant or not, that’s grounds for divorce.
  
• Absolutely not. I would never trust that man again and no amount of therapy or conversations or promises would ever change that.
  
• It depends on whether or not I had resources for the baby
  
• No!
  
• Absolutely no way..
  
• Absolutely not. She can have him.
  
• Idk I’ll have to b in that situation I’m not saying I wouldnt n I’m not saying I would
  
• I stayed and ended up in divorce 10 yrs later
  
• What other option would they have
  
• No, never.
  
• I’d submit an obituary to the paper and get all his friends and family to pretend he joined the lord
  
• Nope he be gone and paying for the baby and I
  
• No I wouldn’t, I’d leave for good!!
  
• Absolutely not a hope in hell.
  
• Just leave when the baby grows up.
  
• Hells to the no!
  
• I don’t know…. i might stay because i want my kids to grow up with their father but i will cheat on him after the baby is born. But I dont know. The thought of sleeping with other men don’t sit right with me I’d be crushed tbh.. So Hai I dont know.
  
• I stayed until I hated him and then I left
  
• Yea I did with both kids, I stayed but we’re no longer together.
  
• I did
  
• If the women is independent, then she can do everything and anything
  
• I stayed. Mistakes were made.
  
• No. I rather have piece than having piece of shit on my life if that’s the case.
  
• Hell no
  
• No, I left him when my son was 6 months old. Best decision ever. Cheated on during and after pregnancy from the BD. Never again. He ruined trust for me
  
• I did. I had a toddler and was pregnant with twins. Didn’t have a job and couldn’t make enough to pay for childcare. I’m not with him anymore
  
• No, never
  
• Never
  
• NO
  
• I did… it didn’t work and I wouldn’t make that mistake again
  
• Nope
  
• I did but I had a plan. I became a stay at home mom, i saved money in a separate account and when both my kids were in school I kicked him out
  
• GONE.
  
• This has literally happened this year, i’m still with him but the trust is pretty gone for now…
  
• Nope. Don’t.
  
• Nope

What would you have done?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – McIBD4U Muffins

20 March 2025 – Today when he is seeing me, I am working from home. I am in a job that is psychotic with Microsoft Teams, like I feel like they get a notification if your status goes yellow with away or something, because that’s when someone calls you, just to make sure you’re working or something… He says that he skipped his break at work & took his kids to school so he will be at my house earlier. It’s raining so I move my car so he can park in the carport rather than in the side street & walk in the rain. I am on a call when he arrives, so he rocks up, parks in the carport & sits on the chair opposite my desk playing with his phone. Apparently, he has no problem playing with his phone around me, telling me he doesn’t use his phone at all around his wife… um, yeah ok!! What a load of fucking shit, wasn’t he messaging me while in bed with her the other night?!

When I get off the call, I open a word document & put a heavy candle on the keyboard so it is ‘typing’ this stops my computer from going to sleep & Teams from thinking I am ‘away’ – TBH it’s my team that has a issue with being away, my boss doesn’t even work at the office half the time & has no idea what we even do, I haven’t had any issues with her asking where I am or what I am doing, I think the team have just set this precedence in their own, that they take exactly 30 minute breaks & not a minute over… I’m so used to working in jobs where you just make up the time later & don’t have to tell anyone, as long as your work is done. I hate this job!

I have decided to make McMuffins so we don’t have to go out, I probably don’t have that long anyway, so maybe going out isn’t that good of an idea, even though this is supposed to be sexless… I feel stupid though when I am making him lunch, he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot & I don’t often do nice things for people like this so I am conscious of every move I make, cooking the eggs right, cooking the bacon right that I forget to toast the muffins which are a day or two old so need toasting as they were slightly stale, so when we are eating, or him literally taking three bites & its gone, I still haven’t even made a dent in mine… This is weird & I don’t think I told him this but when we’ve eaten together – which is only recent, I like that if I don’t eat it all, I offer it to him & he gobbles it up… I don’t know why but I fucking love watching him eat my leftovers – is that strange?! I don’t know why but I always make sure I leave a little bite or two for him, what is that all about?!

We end up fucking in the kitchen, all because I sit on the bench while he is standing near me. What a surprise, I am wearing a short t-shirt dress so this of course is just an open invitation for Phoenix to come up behind me, rubbing every single inch of me as I cook. He mainly sits & watch me, while constantly playing with his phone & talking to me. I do notice too that he gets up & looks in my fridge & cupboard a few times – this is very familiar behaviour, like no random boy is going through my fridge or cupboards. I never tell him but I fucking love that he is so familiar at my house now, it’s been eight years & he’s barely ever even gotten his own drink out of my fridge, let alone just had a look through my cupboards & my fridge like they were his own. It’s such a weird thing that I noticed & loved yet I never mention it. He says that they need a little chaos because they are in order. I think it’s this day, maybe another day but he moves stuff around, which becomes our little joke, I mean who doesn’t put all their cans of coke stacked together & his cans of Pepsi Max stacked together?! Who would mix them up?? OMG I hate to think! Hahaha.

We eat our homemade McMuffins & he mentions something about his car in the carport & not being able to find the roller door button to put the door down when he got here. So I head outside to put the door down, the whole purpose of him parking in the carport is so he can leave his car in my driveway & not somewhere in the street so the neighbour Ruby down the street could see, as I am reaching for the door button, putting it down, Phoenix comes up behind me & starts rubbing my sides, kissing my neck & I turn to kiss him, he pushes me back till I am against my car & he slips his fingers inside me, I close my eyes & he commands me to open my eyes & watch him finger me… FUCK, that is so fucking hot! Mr stern & commanding, it makes me open my eyes & watch, not able to look away. Once he’s finished fingering me, he quickly spins me around & bending me over the bonnet of my car. I tell him there is a camera up on the corner of my house, as he pulls my dress up & gets ready to fuck me bent over my car, he looks up at the camera, pointing at it & asking “it’s up there?” then he’s inside me pounding me from behind – I have no idea why but when I download the footage from my camera, as I do with all the cameras after he’s been to my house, turns me on just to watch him look at it & point at the camera right before fucking me! He asks later than night if I got a similar car to him because he had it, which I didn’t. It wasn’t even the car I wanted when I was looking for cars. But now I think of it, it’s kinda cute!

Later I tell him about a date idea I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had anyone to do it with & if we’re going on dates, maybe we could do this. Have you ever heard of the Amazing Co picnic, they set up a hunt & gather type picnic & you get clues to go pick up the stuff for a picnic then you go to the final destination for the picnic. It’s not heaps expensive, but not cheap but I figure that since he is being Mr we’re-not-having-sex all day when I have my gum surgery so we could go out on a treasure hunt type date. He doesn’t say yes or no, so I hope that he secretly books it in for us. That would be super cute, but I won’t hold my breath. I mean probably dumb since I’m not sure if I’ll be able to eat. To be honest, I won’t hold my breath for an actual day date after my surgery at all. If I do see him for any length of time, we will end up staying in bed all day, I’m almost certain of it!

He talks about my McMuffins, that I didn’t toast the actual muffins, which they were a little stale so he says that it’s lucky I made the eggs runny or it would have been worse. I tell him how nervous I am to cook food for him, but I want to do it. I tell him that it’s the little things that make me nervous, the sex doesn’t because I’ve been naked with him hundreds of times… But being house wifey is not something I am used too with him or anyone, even Boyfriend. He says “You did fine today 🙂 I think it’s pretty cute you want to make food for me.” I do it because I want too, but also because I know he does all the cooking, I know he likes cooking & he works less hours but he always was the chef at home, I suspect even when she was on maternity leave, he came home from work & cooked dinner, so I say that I know he doesn’t get food cooked for him. “Haha no I don’t, well I haven’t in a long time … I know you don’t, that’s why it means something to me.” It means something to me too, I haven’t ever really done this before, even with Boyfriend, I don’t remember us cooking together like this, in the same room, usually he was in the lounge room, “And cos you don’t get anything cooked for you, I want to cook for you. Don’t they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?”  & then he says something to make me swoon & blush, “Well that is true haha .. But you had my heart a long time ago.” Awwww FUCK!

We are together way longer than we should be, I should be working but I don’t want him to go that I push him on the couch & sit on his lap, straddling him, just kissing, hugging & talking. We have fucked so many times, in the kitchen, in my bed & over my car. He’s called me beautiful & you can see on the camera when he did it, even though there’s no sound & how much he made me blush.

He tries to give me advice about not fucking men for a few months because you can’t connect with anyone by fucking them right away. When he gives me dating advice, I’m reminded that this guy, while saying he’s dating me, loves me, wants to spend time with me, really isn’t anything other than a fuck buddy, no matter how much he’s trying to make this more, can it really be more if he’s married & giving me dating advice? But then he tells me how much he misses hugging me. Fuck I missed hugging him too!

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21 March 2025 – The next day, he’s reading my blog again, I am still waiting for him to find something in it that he realise he’ll hate me for.. But he says “But the more I read you blog, I still don’t hate you 🤷‍♂️ While reading it this morning… I actually think to myself as a reader not believing what you are writing…haha. Sometimes some of the stories seem like fiction or made up. But I know they are true because I did it haha.” He also mentions that he didn’t know it was being documented, but he could see how some people might think that he did know & that’s why he was putting on such a persona & why things we did were right out of fiction novels or porn movies. Everything we did had nothing to do with my journal or writing.

It’s so interesting hearing what he thinks about what a wrote but he says it’s pretty accurate & I never really say anything bad about him or that he doesn’t think about himself. I mean I feel like I say some pretty bitchy shit about his wife, someone he claims to love & I say shit about him too. He reckons I sometimes even spin his flaws into a positive, I guess that was always me trying to justify his actions in my own head, over analysing everything he did because of how he is. But I just know that he’s going to get pissed off again & so I threaten to unpublish it.

He says that he finds some of the stories with other men hot “Like I found the story about sweeties husband fingering you in the cinema hot. I found the story of you fuckin Rob Rob in the public toilet hot 🤷‍♂️ (men are weird and don’t view public toilet as gross as women ).” I mean Sweetie’s husband was before him & Rob Rob was after Phoenix broke my heart & when he kept popping up online to tell me about his kinky open marriage sex. “I wish I got to fuck you in a public toilet first 🤷‍♂️. But you did redeem your story but thinking about me in that one. But you wonder why I will never feel special to you sexually. It’s those stories. But i won’t deny I found some of them hot.” Why does he need to feel special sexually?! He is literally the most special person in my life since I met him, even when we weren’t talking & not all things have to do with sex – that’s just a bonus to me. Is he the one who puts sex on a pedestal, not me? The ‘relationship’ stuff, the going through my fridge & cupboards, making lunch together, it 10 000 times more special to me & I wish I said it, but because he’s had all that shit with someone else & married her, that our relationship will never be special to him… The things we hold dearly are not the things the other holds as dearly & that’s ok.

He got the best of me – the absolute best of me, I tell him this but he won’t let it go, “I never got an offer of public toilet sex … and it was something I had fantastied about and could of happen at any stage during our sexual encounters.” Well how was I supposed to fucking know that?! I gave him everything he wanted, he never really asked for anything, besides the threesome, but I would have given him anything he asked for or mentioned. He never told me he wanted public toilet sex! I remember talking about public toilet sex when I started a new job which was a year into affair 3 & I remember even googling the toilet to show him which one we could meet in & he could say he’d gone to the shopping centre as it’s a big one close to work so I wouldn’t be away for too long. He never seemed keen on the idea so I didn’t push it. “You got to do it with other partnered man that you had the same with me instead that I thought was special with us 🤷‍♂️.” God he’s a fucking dick! He says that he’s pissed off more now that I knew he wanted it… Um… No that’s not how this went down, I was the one who offered it up as a idea on how we could meet with me not sure if I could get far away from work & didn’t know if he would come to my house back then so I offered up the public toilet. I didn’t know it was his fantasy & then went & did it with someone else like he did with the threesome… He’s a fucking dickhead.

He sends me a pic of his kids & how big they are, he is online a lot more than he should be being it’s her day off, messaging me all day & sending me a pic to keep our snapchat streak, he tells me that his son might end up at the same high school as my nephew who is only one year above him… Oh fuck, won’t that be hilarious if the kids became friends! Luckily he tells me later that his son didn’t get into that school & is going to another high school… Can you imagine if Phoenix & his wife were at the same school event as my sister. I’m told my sister looks a lot like me, so I wonder what his wife would do if she saw her?

Even though he said he read my blog, I find out that he actually didn’t read it all. He didn’t read the first break up & now he’s rehashing it by reading it again. He skipped over parts that were hard to read & he didn’t really read much of others. He says it’s super interesting, especially reading it in diary format as it’s obvious that I didn’t know I was falling for him, which is true, I didn’t know what I was feeling. He says “I spent my entire brothers wedding literally thinking about wanting you to be my partner … had a huge fight with my wife… planning in my head a life with you … And you hadn’t even admitted to yourself you loved me. And was still struggling to admit you even had feelings with me. Despite my contant hints that I was giving off. Pretty funny really.” & yet because he was so scared of being alone, he stayed with her rather than taking a chance on me & finds it in himself to make things right with her… But instead pushed me away till I was ready to walk but then his wife found my undies anyway. I couldn’t admit I had feelings because I didn’t even know but I also was fucking a man with a pregnant partner… He says he was hinting so much, but he wasn’t as obvious as he thinks he was – I literally did not know he loved me until he said the words & even then I questioned if it was a line to keep me coming back. As if he could love me. I wish things were different or we could have been more honest, but I’m pretty sure he would have pushed me away as he did no matter what, he says it might have been different, but I doubt it. If I had of shown any vulnerability first – just like now, it would have pushed him away. He thinks he isn’t good enough for me & is so scared to be alone, that he will always choose her over me, even if he says it’s because of their kids, it’s really not..

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Signature Move

19 March 2025 – This conversation is still going – the problem with our friendship being a mainly online friendship, even now, is that fights can go on for ages because we never get to deal with it all in one conversation. I say “She didn’t want you, she’s made that clear by sleeping all day not showing any interest in anything you do, not cumming with you. .. but as soon as she finds out someone else wants. You, she then jumps into full sexual mode, making an effort… Being open then as soon as you marry her – or even before. It all stops. She’s like a kid with a toy, she doesn’t want you but no one else can have you.” He knows I right, but his usual reply about her being the mother of his children is what he says in his head to justify why they do what they do. I don’t like talking about her or their relationship, she is nothing to me, it’s him I care about. “She doesn’t sleep as much and made More of an effort since the first affair, and although she still shows no interest in my hobbies , she has made an effort to feed my ego and let me know how attractive I am post affair.” Oh has she? That’s why you’re here telling me how much you love me & you’ve never had butterflies with her? Yeah, Rightio then!

“I also think I’m out of my wife’s league.” I call bullshit on that too, I mean the other day he said that she never boosts his ego or tells him how good he looks etc. But he just proves what an asshole he is to her, “When we first metz. She was really close to a girl called ****, and she was hot, much skinny than my wife, one time we are all in the spa drunk together e, and she just spits out I found you attractive in front of her … And I said it back to her hahaha. That was awkward.” Yeah what a cunt! He also tells me that every single one of her friends have told her that he is hot & one used to come over & check out his ass when he bent over… First who are these friends?! & second what a load of shit… Phoenix is good looking, I obviously find him incredibly hot & sexy but he is not that fucking good looking that every single one of her friends has told him to his face that he is hot in front of her & she’s ok with it… I can almost guarantee & would bet my life on it that she asked them to do it to see what he would do, like a test of loyalty. I’m surprised being that he has such low self esteem that he wouldn’t have already drawn that conclusion himself… But no, it boosted his ego & we all know his wife wouldn’t manipulate a situation to get what he wants, would she! No, never!! Hahaha.

His new favourite (not really but he talks about this a lot) & my least favourite is about my blog & how I had ‘back up partnered men’ ready for when things ended with Phoenix. Well for starters, they were not backups – they were men I talked to just as he talked to women. I said in my blog that if either left their partners I would date them but if Phoenix left his wife, I would’ve fucking married him, had his kids if he wanted more, so they were in no way a backup, I’ve never pictured myself marrying any one other than Phoenix, I never even really pictured myself marrying Boyfriend. I, in no way, have ever had a back up so think what you like dickhead. If they were a back up, wouldn’t I be with one of them now?! I get so pissed every time he talks about my blog that he even says he should have kept it to himself. He forgets that pretty much everything I wrote in my blog happened after he shattered my heart & was back online telling me how kinky his wife was & all the people she was fucking & how they had a threesome – my number one fantasy… So my writing & actions were influenced by my anger & hurt. Just as it is now!!

I know he’s trying to be hurtful now, telling me something that is either a lie or just to make me jealous, “Cowboys mistress was a good friend, yes we did discuss meeting up, we discussed dates, I hate her address, we sexted and had a good friendship….but that was post affair. you had this friendship with both men during our first affair.” He had her fucking address & set a date!? ACTUAL FUCK YOU! He says that it was post affair, yes post affair one. But if you’re a long time reader, you’ll recall that he wasn’t on the chat app after affair one until found me as a stranger on the anonymous app, then joined the chat app to stalk me which commenced affair two… Remember?! That is when he started talking to Cowboys mistress, at the start of Affair two. Then when I ended the second affair four days before he got married, he disappeared from the chat app. So tell me Phoenix, when post affair, were you going to meet Cowboys mistress that didn’t overlap with me?! He only met her because of him stalking me on the chat app!! You fucking cunt of a man. I was single & allowed to date, so if I had friendships outside of Phoenix, then I’m fine with that because I never used those friendships to make him feel shit about himself, Phoenix rubbing his flirting right in my face, just like he did with his wife in the spa… What a fucking wretched human being!

Of course, Phoenix pulls his signature move, as soon as I get snippy or angry, Phoenix has to turn it around & get more angry. Narcissistic prick! Reading messages then not replying… I don’t know why but I message him till he replies, after what he’s just revealed. But I also don’t really  analyse what he’s saying until I am writing about it… I forget why but I had been calling him Mr Snuffleupagus. Why am I even bothering? He always has to be the most angry, I can’t even explain my side, he just can’t see it. He read the words & made up his mind. I tell him not to be pissed at me & he says that he is only pissed because of his feelings for me. I get it because I am so fucking angry of everything he has rubbed in my face, it’s way worse than anything I have ever done. He says “I also try and push you away. Nothing has changed after 8 years 🤷‍♂️” I believe one day I will let him push me away because the ego & narcissism will become too much, that I try to scare him off now before I am in any deeper. I put our anniversary in the countdown on snapchat to scare him but it doesn’t, “I’m not going to get angry at wanting to celebrate meeting me ? Its pretty clear you are important to me and and I fucking love it that you want to do it.” FUCK!

I know Phoenix has told me years ago & probably more recently how much his mum & family love his wife, that they offered her a place to stay when they broke up when she found out about me, I am curious but probably shouldn’t ask, “So serious question, not to piss you off but let’s play a fantasy game again… Say we were together, do you think your family would hate me? (not your kids, clearly they will but your bro, sis & parents??)” I want to know the answer, but now that I have asked, I don’t want to know what he thinks… “That is a tough one; my family took my wife’s side when the affair came out….they love my wife, and she has become part of the family, and they put up the offer to move in with them if she needed to, I think my mum would like you… you guys have similar personalities, now that I think about it, she is a very sexual person and brutally fucking honest, I get my brutal honesty from my mum , but I think once the smoke had settled, she would like you, my bro wouldnt care too much I don’t think, infact he would probaly make him feel better because his marriaged ended, and my sister would like you too I think, she also has a similar personality to me and my mum. also in their eyes…Im the person that cheated, so it is entirely my fault. my family never asked about you. they dont know who you are, they just know I had an affair. with another woman. and I never talked to them about it…my wife did talk to my mum about it. Im not even sure how much she told them. and somehow she told my brother and sister. my relationship was so much closer to ending that you think. there was obviously break up plans in place with my family and wife… that I was not privy too. when I told her parents she was in hospital and once they found out… they obviously talked to my parents too. btw everyone hates my mum. she is not a very likeable person due to her brutal honesty and out going personality. and she doesnt have a filter. and everyone loves my step dad. so Im not sure you would like my mum, or it would take time. even I dont like mum sometimes haha. and it took awhile for my wife to like her, but even like all my brothers girlfriends hated her, none of my ex’s really liked her… shes a bit full on. my mum is outgoing brutally honest person that isnt afraid to talk about sex haha. so it can lead to some awkardness sometimes. and so is my sister” I think the shit part about all that, is that his family didn’t support him or ask what he wanted when he cheated & were breaking up, people don’t just cheat because they’re happy in their relationship… If there was a plan behind his back to support his wife, then he is deluded that he thought his relationship was close to ending – they were never going to let it end, he’d even told me his mum was in his ear about going back to her. I even say that perhaps if his family knew how he felt about me & what we had, his mother – who left his father when he was very young because of cheating, would not have pushed him back to her. “If she knew the full details….and how much I loved you, she probally would of told me to go with you, but Im not sure, she also had a good relationship with my wife at this point. its a bit of a weird one. I weighed alot of pros and cons …..and part of that was in my decision making. ultimately it came down to my kids. Im also not very close to my mum, like we have a good relationship, talk once every 2 weeks on the phone, and see them once a month. Im a VERY closed person, like to my mum, to my wife, to fucking everyone. so if Im opening up to you, you better pay fucking attenoin. because I dont do that for anyone. including my wife and mum.” I don’t know why I am doing this to myself but this conversation just makes me want to fucking cry.

We move on & he says that he was falling for me after the second time we fucked in affair one… Well when the sex is that good yes I guess… I just find it hard to believe because he knocked up his partner shortly after that, tying himself even more to her, if he had any feelings for me at all, he wouldn’t have done that… So I think he had lust for me & our sex, our chemistry but he wasn’t in love with me or had feelings for me. He says he was nervous to meet me & I say that I had butterflies & quite often still do. I get nervous with things like when I gave him a key years ago or when I bought Pepsi max & kept in my fridge for him or making him breakfast the other day, it’s very couply & weird so I plan to do it then want to back out cos I feel stupid. “Haha I thought it was cute and amazing you made us breakfast. I had no idea you were nervous about that. I also had no idea I had a special key cut … I thought you just gave me sweeties husband key … you told me he had a key before me. Haha and I won’t deny it, when you gave me a key that made feel kinda special…” He doesn’t get why I feel stupid because he’s had so many meals with his wife, I understand she doesn’t cook, but I’m sure she has at some point… So while he thinks fucking is our something special, the breakfast with him, giving him a key, spending time with him watching stupid TV is what is special to me – stuff he doesn’t care about, stuff he takes for granted, that is the highlight of our situation for me.

We talk about meeting up tomorrow; he says that we shouldn’t just have sex because that’s what everyone gets with me. I have now jumped on this bandwagon too, I don’t want to be just sex, but I am so cautious of this no sex thing & how easily he will just back off when something happens that I won’t be told about, he’ll just back off & spout some bullshit about being busy, so I quickly turn the conversation back to sex before I get too wrapped up in the sexless dating. I want to fuck him so badly, but there is nothing more that I want but to just have sexless dates with him. He hits me with “BTW. I 100% have the 2nd off.” Which is the day after my gum surgery, then he tells me that he also has the first off. I say that he should come over on both days, ice cream on the first day & soup on the second. He says he’ll see how he feels… Ok jerk burger! I shouldn’t bank on seeing him either day & I wish I never said he should see me both days now… I feel like a fuckwit. I am back at work on the third so assuming I’ll be ok “You know ill look after you… If I need too. I’ll bring you some icecream I promise.” OMG could he be any cuter?! FUCK – I need to remember his mantra ‘don’t get attached to me!’ He says that he might have to get me to pick him up Wednesday but he’ll drop me off ice cream on Tuesday. I ask why – after I’ve had surgery, would I have to pick him up, he says he can hide in his car until she drives past. Where they live has had some major road upgrades that there is now an underpass so I say she wouldn’t see it anyway, but he says “Na. She does. She gets maccas coffee every morning. And checks for my car too.” Um what?! Every day she looks for his car?! Fuck… Then he basically has a whole conversation with himself about starting at 7:00am then he can do the kid drop off & it’ll solve his problems because she’ll be already at work by the time the kids go to school… Fuck that was a journey of information I just didn’t want to know… She’s still checking in on him & he’s still ok with it. FUCK, why I am still involved in this?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – I didn’t ask for this…

18 March 2025 – He says that he needs to go offline & might not be on tomorrow, but then starts sending about eight pics of himself when he was a ‘fat fuck’ in high school & some pics of his dad. I keep saying goodnight, not wanting to be left on unread when he logs off suddenly. The next morning he mentions that I don’t usually cut him off, but he’ll never know what it’s like to be sitting there waiting for a message when he’s logged off & going about his day or sleeping while I am awake waiting because I don’t want to miss a message. I just say that I said goodbye to make sure I wasn’t waiting around, so he says, “Well I wanted to communicate I was going and didn’t want to make you feel like a dickhead. Well I’m trying to be open when I’m not going to be around. So you don’t feel like an idiot. I know the mistakes I made with you in the past.” Does he really?! “I literally show you some personal stuff, old dorky photos of me and baby pics and you ruthlessly just say good bye , good work not being a dick 😜. It’s harder than you think having an affair.” Well how the tables have turned, maybe he now got have a snippet of what it’s like & he doesn’t like it… I snap “I’m not forcing you to to do this again.” I didn’t ask for this Phoenix, you started this! I was ok with the dynamic we had… “And talking to you again and re establishing our friendship is harder than you think for me. I don’t just go about my day not thinking about you. Never did ever. It’s why I put those rules in place , created distance. So I’m not hurting you , and to help me.” Then he adds“This was entirely my decision fuckwit.” I did try to engage & mentioned a few things about the pictures but I was conscious of timing & was also wondering why he would say he’s going & not going to be on today but then start a D&M by sharing pictures.

The pictures lead to a massive conversation about his childhood trauma. It’s really hard for me because I know he doesn’t want pity, but I am a huge crime junkie so I am voracious for information so I am interested in what he is sharing but I am cautious of seemingly looking like I am pitying him. He talks a lot about his traumatic childhood considering he wasn’t even going to be online today… I am conscious that he will just leave mid-sentence soon, if he isn’t supposed to be online while she’s home but I am so intrigued by this conversation that I am so torn about being wrapped up in it & trying to protect myself from feeling like a fool when he disappears. He says goodbye, it’s a Tuesday so I guess I don’t get the schedule like I thought I did, I don’t ask why he’s going offline today but he keeps coming back online, so I ask how or why when he’s supposed to be offline, “I sneak you in when I can. Just don’t want you to be waiting for me like an idiot … Which is bad because I shouldn’t get attached to you or miss you. But I’m also fucking idiot 🤷‍♂️ but you seem to be just a dumb.” I won’t feel like an idiot if he manages my expectations. It’s when he doesn’t say goodbye or just logs off, that has literally been the problem for eight fucking years! I’ve always hated it & made that perfectly fucking clear. He doesn’t listen & continues to do it, so maybe he’s got it this time & things will be different? Bahaha, as if!

Every time we talk about my blog we end up fighting. I mean he blames me for having ‘records’ but I don’t look at the screenshots regularly, I just remember shit he says, particularly about his wife. He brings up the chick on my street doing beauty treatments who told his wife about my sex life – I don’t know her name, but lets name her Ruby… I still don’t believe this story & never will. I don’t think Ruby or Phoenix’s wife knew about the blog & I think his wife just told him a bullshit story she made up to make him jealous & pissed off about me. He says that she wouldn’t have married him if she knew about it, I spit back that he would have told her some ridiculous lie & she would have married him anyway. “I would be so easily identifiable from that blog …. my wife would of left me …. the sex stories and the falling in love part. There would of been no way to get out of that. The blog makes it very clear I’m from down south and close to you , and all the events of my job such as the store closing that clearly make it obvious it’s me.” I think it’s only obvious when you’re reading about yourself… He had told me she knows everything, to quote him ‘Nothing can hurt our relationship now.’… He told me that several times – so many times that it fucked me off… Fine I get it, your relationship is stronger than ever, that’s why you got married… Fuck off…  “She doesn’t know those finer details. She doesn’t know tthe play by play hot sex we had. She knows we had sex, didn’t use a condom., fell in love , etc. It was a year. I denied it, but she didn’t believe me. And still doesn’t.” I tell him that I will delete the blog if he is worried about her finding it & if he is going to keep bringing it up for us to fight about it… But he says he doesn’t want me to delete it, he says she won’t find it. “There is no way she would stay if she found out I was still fucking you. Our relationship isn’t that strong.“ I don’t believe that, she seems like the type to stay to make him miserable, she did it before & I don’t doubt that she’ll do it again. “She had a go in front of our kids today about me cheating. And I fucking hate it when she does it in front of them. I don’t know, I was being a cunt , so she brings it up. Especially when she has her period.” What a great environment for their kids… Let’s be honest, if she’s still bringing it up – she isn’t going anywhere!

---

19 March 2025 – The next morning I mention something about waiting for him to log off for weeks & he asks if I am scared about that, I’m not scared but cautious. He’s currently saying all the right things about wanting to put in effort but something will happen & he’ll pull back – I do not doubt that. It’s only been just under a month since he found my blog so this will last a few months but he will go back to how he was at some point, I just have to be prepared for that. He asks me if I want him to stop messaging me, he will stop if I want him too & I just simply say no. He replies “Just checking. I secretly love messaging you daily , I missed it.” I tell him that I’ve missed it too, I was always available for him so I wanted more of him, I just denied myself to allow myself to want it. I tell him that I have tried to scare him a little to get him to go back into his hidey hole but he didn’t. He asks what & I say the thing about our initials & mentioning our anniversary. He holds all the cards, always has. He says that I hold some cards, but we both know that isn’t even a little bit true.

We talk on the phone in the morning, something new that we’ve started doing sporadically & I fucking love it… It’s not just about sex, but being very early morning it seems to be the main topic. Chatting on the phone, makes me love what we have become & this new dynamic is so different, I can’t explain it… We were always super honest, but now it’s more honest than ever, I mean he has read my online journal about my dating life so maybe that’s what making him be more open with me… But there has been a shift.

On the way to work a song comes on, from a band I used to love & haven’t listened to in a while, but listening to the lyrics, I think it’s a song for Phoenix about me. It seems to fit our situation a lot… Our love is like a drug for both of us… It’s called I like the way by Unwritten Law, have a listen while reading. I will add to the #IBD4U Spotify list – I’ve now created a blog list so you can listen to all the songs I referenced in a post.

Unwritten Law – I like the way.

I got a cocaine woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of pills
Another ride to the station
And you know I’m gonna pay the bills, lord
I gotta go see my baby
Gotta run run run
The only girl I love
And It’ll be the last one
I know I know
She’s hell on wheels
I know how she feels

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I got a cyclone woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of thrills
Another night she’s away
Couldn’t take cause you know it kills
I missed her for six days
Can’t wait to see
That fine-lookin woman lying next to me

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I wish I wrote about our phone conversations after they happened because I forget all the shit we said… But we must’ve talk about the blog – our new main topic of conversation & he says shit that just pisses me off, that we always end up fighting. He’s talking about chatting online & me not being proud of my body count, “You did what you had to do🤷‍♂️. I would of done the same. I have no doubt you loved me…or love me.. I have made this clear. That is why we are chatting now…. But I was just another guy on the chat app, another guy you got to fuck, even one of a few partnered men that you told me you didn’t do apparently, that was just down south that got to fuck you with the other hoards of men. You just accidentally fell in love with me eventually.” I genuinely don’t get how he can read my blog & really think that he was just one of the many… He says he was the most convenient but is you really think about it, he was the most inconvenient. His phone was tracked, he could only chat to me at certain times, I had to meet him in weird places if I wanted sex, we had limited time together face to face… How is that convenient? He says that if Rob Rob lived close to me that Phoenix would have just been another guy. No way, Rob Rob & I never had a magnetic pull, chemistry, honesty or feelings like Phoenix & I do. Rob Rob knows nothing about me really, like we don’t talk about music tastes or work, he knows basics but we were never going to be anything. I don’t deny that if he was single I would have dated him but it was nothing like what I had with Phoenix. I have never pictured my life like I did (& do) with Phoenix, I picture Phoenix in my house, with my family at family dinner, I picture marrying Phoenix. I had passing thoughts in my blog about dating Rob Rob (& J-Lo) but what Phoenix is making those comments to be that I was in love with them too…  “You couldn’t even uphold our agreement throughout the whole first affair and fucked someone from the chat app towards the end. With full intent too. After telling me how much you love me 🤷‍♂️. I was nothing special sexually and your blog just confirmed that for me. You just fell in love with me eventually and accidentally.” What he will never get because he’s read words & twisted them, but he thinks he is not special to me cos I fucked someone else, but I fucked that guy I think he was Orbit, because Phoenix was making me feel so insignificant in his life, he had a partner who was pregnant. I was waiting for the day he ended it with me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling for Phoenix at the time, I needed to fuck Orbit to realise that I was falling in love with Phoenix but I knew that it wasn’t going to end well with a pregnant partner…

“I’m going to be honest with you .. The Papa Roach post and song was the one that hit me the hardest, the one where I decided I would message you again. And I know you didn’t plan on me seeing it it. But it make me feel okay to reach out to you again and engage conversation without fear… That you hated me , didn’t love me even a tiny bit,or that I was just sex to you only by this point.” I mean I never expected him to see that post & that’s one of the posts I think is embarrassing but that was what I hoped if he did somehow read it. That it would give him the confidence to reach out to me. I was just expecting that it would be when the blog came out world wide cos here would be a movie being made!! Hahaha. Dream on! “I feel like a dickhead now that’s all we talked about it, I feel like a dickhead now that’s all our physical interactions were. Because you did that with everyone else. It’s why I’m trying to not make it about sex anymkre. Anyone can give you sex and you are willing to drop your guard to anyone that gives you enough attention to justify it. So I’m trying hard now not to make it all about sex. But fucking hell, I didn’t not think it was going to be this fucking hard!!!! All I want tto do is fuck you when I’m with you or near you.” Well the feeling in mutual!

We are getting into more snappy territory with him saying shit to me about their relationship, that I say I don’t want to be bitchy so lets move on, but he tells me to be bitchy & because of all the shit he has been saying, I tell him that I think his wife cheated on him first & that’s why she’s been so paranoid about him cheating. He says “Na. She basically cried the first time she fucked a guy and went open/ And felt incredibly guilty.” Mate she’s an actress out of work, she fucking took pills as you walked in the door for attention when you tried to leave her, you don’t think that was a fucking act?! God he’s so fucking dumb! He says shes a goody two shoes, never speeds or breaks the law & has no sense of adventure. Sorry isn’t this the woman who you once told me used to get into punch up with other chicks on the dance floor in nightclubs?! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! She can’t be a fucking goody two shoes if she’s starting fights! She’s also tried to stab him with a mirror shard that she broke when she found out. She also punched him in the face when she saw a message to someone else about loving me… So get fucked!! “Na if you saw what I saw the first couple of guys.” Yeah if I saw what he saw, I would have seen an academy award winning performance… I get he doesn’t want to believe that the mother of his children could ever do that, just as she doesn’t want to think about the father of her children fucking another woman. I get it. He says “Well she does love me haha. But that was one of her reasons I’m sure. I thought about you alot on my wedding day🤷‍♂️ Would of been nice if you broke up with me like after it. But it was almost like the universe was telling you it was not a good time to be in love with me… And obviously I was pulling back (but had no actual plans to end it) And I couldn’t bring myself to admiring I was marrying her. Especially once you went in to full love mode.” I wasn’t out on a limb by myself in full love mode… You’re a fucking wanker Phoenix, I say “See you act like I was the only one spouting sonnets. You fucking started it both times then make it seem like I was the only one ‘madly’ in love…. You were getting married so obviously in madly in love with someone else.” He replies “Hahaha. You think I’m madly in love with my wife? You think I love her the same way I do you ? You think I have sex with her the same way I do with you ?” I don’t even talk about myself to her. Because she’s not interested. She has no interest in anything I do. She didn’t even care about my page until it gave her luxury money to spend. She puts down all my interests and hobbies. You really think we are madly in love with each other ?” My heart actually hurts. Not only because they don’t really love each other & are married but because I want to talk to this man, I want to hear about his bullshit, I want to do things with him & don’t get any of that but we’re madly in love. Why wouldn’t she want to find someone she is madly in love with? Why wouldn’t he want to be with the person he is madly in love with. They settled, for the kids… That’s it, end of story. “She loves me, and I do love her, and I never denied that … But you really think I am madly in love with her? Haha I got butterflies for you still the first day I met you for lunch… I didn’t want to tell you, and I know you got them … as in 2 weeks ago … I never had that with my wife. Ever. Not even when we started dating.” I can’t deny that this conversation just makes me more frustrated than reassured like he is trying to achieve here. This convo is just like when he used to say to me that some man with be so fucking lucky to marry me! It’s not reassuring, it’s fucking heart breaking that Phoenix isn’t that man!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – I don’t hate you

For the next two weeks, until 4th January 2026, there will be a blog post everyday at 7:00am, including Christmas day! Hopefully my little journal gives you some joy during the holiday season & you enjoy the story!

17 March 2025 – The next morning he sends me cum shots of cum on his chest from him jerking off, he couldn’t jerk off last night though, he tells me because he was in bed & his wife was asleep next to him – yes! SHE WAS LYING FUCKING NEXT TO HIM!!!! I sent SOOOO many naked pics, FFS!!! Imagine if she woke up & demanded to look at his phone! Anyway, he says “You are so funny though….how do you go from being pissed off… starting to get sassy with me … To then sending me literally the hottest pics you have ever sent to me.” Yeah I thought I was being a bitch because he frustrated me, so I wanted to frustrate him… I can almost picture his face of confusion when he says, “What a super nice way to be a bitch.” I laugh at that, I mean I felt sexy & good, so I sent pics then logged off!

He actually also starts looking at every story I post – as snapchat is the only social media I use regularly now that Mark Zuckerberg shut down my 17 year old personal Facebook, knowing I was hacked because my Instagram & WhatsApp are both the same as my details on Facebook (email, phone number etc) & owned by him! So I did not do whatever they think I did, so I only now use snapchat really. I post on snapchat, not for Phoenix to see because he used to miss about 90% of what I posted & even if he did look at it, he never said anything or replied to the posts, but now that he’s replying to everything, I am not changing the way I post, but I am aware that he is going to see them all & pay attention. I’ve always wanted him to see what I post, I had always wanted to tell him about the blog but I never thought this would be this reaction! We just never have enough time to tell him everything, especially being online friendship only – until recently, if he doesn’t like what I say, he could just log off & never log back on.

I tell him that one of my favourite moments with his was when we were in Red Rooster for lunch & I touched his dick & he said ‘don’t touch it’ pulling away but then he slid his hand up my skirt &  felt my panties & said ‘I just touched it’ he doesn’t get it asking “How is me making stupid goofy remark even a top moment haha.” For both of us, this is the best sex we’ve ever had, he always thought that I ranked that the highest out of anything – which I understand why he thinks that, as it’s what I used to get people to like me – including him when we first started chatting & fucking, but what he doesn’t get it that the amazing sex isn’t the top moments for me anymore, I try to explain “Cos I find you funny, I’ve always been attracted to your sense of humour… But in person we have always pretty much just fucked… And so I’ve never really see you laugh or joke like you have been… You smiled & laughed & I made a joke & it was just a super cute moment for me… Not having had many cute couple moment before, I loved it. My fav moments with you, will probably never match yours, but those types of moments mean more to me, than you & more than you probably will realise.” The couple moments, not sex couple, but everyday mundane jokes are going to outrank any sexual moment for me & they always did but now I am getting more of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still want sex & our sex is so fucking exciting & unpredictable that I will always want it, but while he probably doesn’t get it fully from my perspective but he wants to be more than just sex to me, he explains why he’s doing this “I’m terrible dry often sarcastic brutally honest sense of humour ? Most people don’t find it funny haha. I’m glad you enjoyed it, I actually really want to spend more time with you not simply just be fucking each other. That didn’t go very well on the 4 hours the other week however! We had sex the entire time haha. But I don’t just want to be sex just to you …. especially after reading your blog. Hence why I keep saying… you don’t have to suck my cock to see me, or you don’t have to have sex with me if I see you for lunch.” He definitely isn’t just sex to me & never was but he says “I know I’m not just sex to you, I know you love me, we just made it the main star of our physical relationship sex mainly , I guess just how meaninglessness you make sex to you in your blog, or how easy you could give it up, makes me think twice, like I don’t want to be just a guy having sex with you because you are trying to get them to like you via those means. I liked you before I fucked you. I do wish the first time wasn’t so sex oriented face to face. But it worked I guess.” He forgets he chose his wife over me, then became open & he would have fucked anything he could without a second thought about me, so don’ give me that bullshit, he is no fucking different. I was trying to find a replacement.

I tell him that sex isn’t meaningless, not with him, there have been dudes I fucked that I couldn’t care less about but if he was single as long as me, he would have similar experiences, I have no doubt about that, I mean when he was open & looking for a chick to fuck, that would have been meaningless sex, so he’s deluded if he thinks he wouldn’t do it if he could but he is too scared to be alone to ever have meaningless sex. “I do think our sex means something to you , but it is fucking scary loving you and being someone that loves you, and someone that considers sex with you meaningful, your blog is quite intimating in that way, I think meaningless is wrong term, but basically through your entire 30s, you would have sex with anything that gave you attention and you were semi attracted to, before me, after I left you the first time, and in the last 5 years. And there is part of me that just regrets just being another person that spent most my little time face to face fucking you, especially considering that is mostly what other guys offered you (and hence why I question anything sexual is even special to you).” If he was single, he’d be no different, but he jumps from relationship to relationship.

He tells me that reading my blog there weren’t many surprises for him because I told him pretty much everything, including the sex party – that was when he was open & he was telling me that he’d just had my number one fantasy that he wouldn’t have with me, with his wife… So I told him things to make him jealous & make him miss me… What he didn’t realise was how much I thought about him at the moments, “Nearly every post mentions me, sometimes very minor , or you compare every guy to me , sometimes major, sometimes minor. Or the things you like about me you look for in other men. Almost like any quality you saw in me made a man attractive to you, and it ranged to how they fucked you, or their height , or even having my name mentioned to you while being fucked in a public toilet, or being fucked by a bunch of random dudes and just going home feeling empty and just thinking about me only. You mention me a fucking lot. 80% of your posts mention me in some capacity. Your poor readers.” I mean if he ever doubted my feelings even a little, he now has proof on how stupid that doubt was.

I still don’t get how he doesn’t hate me for the blog. I was always so scared he or she would find it, I mean if she found it he would hate me but because he found it when we were in a reasonably good place, it’s probably the right time for it to be found “How could I hate you when you were constantly comparing everything to me haha? Why did you even think I would hate you. Or constantly mentioned me, like even after I broke your heart, or when my relationship with my wife was open and somehow you found out a bunch of stuff that was happening during that time, you still thought of me. So how the fuck can I hate you ?” He told me the stuff, I didn’t ‘somehow’ find it out, he fucking rubbed it in my face, daily! “I never in my wildest dreams thought you would ever read it… I mean how embarrassing is some of it…. Um, I am cringing at one post I know of…” He say that he can tell from how I wrote that I never thought he would see it. He asks which post but I avoid the subject – there are so many I wish I never happened!

We move on to talking about how much shit he told me after he was supposed to be happy in his relationship with her, & being a fucking asshole to me to make me hate him & move on. “You do know I asked her while in hospital if I could see both of you hahaha. I said I was not willing to give you up. It didn’t go down very well. And she only married me as big fuck you to you hahaha.” Um, what the fuck?! “She would purposely take photos of us together on Facebook with the full inention of you seeing it …” Um, I NEVER looked at her Facebook – I blocked her & never looked at it, I saw the wedding photo she had posted of her looking all gooney eyed at a guy who looked like he could not give a fuck that he was at his own wedding. I knew without him saying that he thought of me that day & she would have known that too, what woman wants to marry someone thinking of someone else on their wedding day? Even if you are binding yourself to someone forever as a fuck you to his mistress who didn’t even know it was happening?! So fucking twisted!! “Like the sole reason of the picture of us was a big fuck you to you. You did a fuck you back to her though. You did everything in your power to fuck me once you found out I was married. Which I found quite amusing. Reading that blog posr. Women are fuckin idiots. I don’t even think I’m worth all the fuss.” Um… No. Everything I did was about him, I don’t even know her, I couldn’t give a shit about her & I do not do anything to get back at her for marrying him… I pushed so hard to fuck him after he married her to prove to him that he made a fucking giant mistake & sadly, it was more to prove to myself that he still loved me & that even though he was married, he still wanted me & would jeopardise that. It had nothing to do with her…

When I found out he was open, he said to me that he was trying for an open relationship to see me, but he never even contacted me, he came back on the chat app & avoided me, so I call bullshit on his stupid line he spun me, but he says sometimes he plays the long game – but I wasn’t going to stick around for this stupid long game he was playing by himself. I don’t believe it for a second! He was in an open relationship, kinky sex with his wife, allowed to fuck other women, having 3sums, didn’t lose his kids or house so I was not even in his mind. He had it all. I was a distant memory! He ignored me for days on the app when I found out about him being on there. So bull fucking shit mate you were playing the long game for me. He says “I intentionally set my children to be independent months in advance so I could see you on weekends for example. My kids are no longer babysat on weekends anymore. Somehow I have convinced my wife that they can look after themselves. My daughter is only 7 lol. It was intentional with the possibility of seeing you” Interestingly he only saw me one weekend before for a substantial amount of time & it was only after he found my blog… Does this guy think I believe a word of this bullshit?

“Every woman blames the mistress , the home wrecker. They always hate them usually.” But I don’t even know her, I wasn’t committed to her & if she didn’t sleep all day he wouldn’t have been online as much as he was, falling for someone else. “You made ‘her man’ fall in love with you , not only did you fuck him. You let him fall in love you.” I didn’t make him do anything & I didn’t let him fall in love with me, he had to tell me that I had feelings for him because I was denying it & not sure of what I was even feeling… So that whole thing is dumb, I get the woman will blame the mistress & she could blame me a little for the last five years, I have put in a lot of effort but she can’t blame me for him being online & I certainly didn’t make him do anything… I tried to get him to see the first & second time that I wanted to be with him & I couldn’t make him see that, so how the fuck could I make him fall in love with me!?

I say “I didn’t hate anyone you chatted too or cause drama for them. I hated you for it. Not them.” & he says, “I wish you told me how much you hated me chatting to people. I would of pulled back. You were never open about that. You got jealous. You made that very clear. But you never told me how much you truly hated it. I would of. Or at least make more of an effort. I had no idea how much it truly affected you. You make it very clear you struggled with it … In your blog. If I knew it affected you that bad I would of stopped. I just thought you were midl. Mildly he.” OMG, is he actual serious!? I told him all the fucking time how much I hated it, “I had fucking melt downs about you flirting in groups & coming back online without chatting me… I also didn’t want to be an obligation to you… Having to chat to me & me alone. I never wanted that.. I just felt insignificant, I told you that multiple times & you just kept doing it…” I remind him of a time he came back online & didn’t even say hello to me, when I said something to him, he just told me that he thought I would have been asleep – in the whole time we’d known each other I was always online waiting till she went to bed to chat to him… But I ask you, if he thought I was asleep & so didn’t message me, why did he come back online?! I told him that night he did that, that I was jealous & he just kept chatting & flirting in the group, blatantly in front of me while not talking to me. He says “I didn’t feel that way because I had been chatting to you all day. In my mind how can you feel insignificant if had been talking to you all day from the moment you woke ul.” But everyday, he would do this & also chat at night, but he started not coming back online at night & this time he did but didn’t chat to me…. I tell him & had told him many times, that I used to rush home from the gym, shower & be waiting to message him when she went to bed. He says that he never wanted me waiting around for him, but he fucking knew damn well that I did it, it was the main thing we fought about because if he didn’t come back online I would be sitting there waiting like a fuckwit & then thinking that clearly they had sex which is why he didn’t come back online. What a great thought that is!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Tease

16 March 2025 – I create another countdown for our ‘anniversary’ which he says is lame but then he says out of the blue “I do love you.” To which I say it back because for 8 years with our upcoming anniversary, I do love him still & always.  He says, “I honestly do … And I know you do. It’s why after 8 years despite everything. We are still in each other’s lives. I still think you are a dumb cunt and should of pushed me away. And the only reason we are here is because of you.” Errr wow… He says that I was the one the kept it going – I mean when he came online eventually, yes I did work hard to get him to keep seeing me… Sometimes it was just to see if he would after marrying her, but then it grew to me using him for sex while I dated other fuckwits, then I stopped seeing other people because they are all fucking idiots, being over two years since I last fucked another guy & over six months since I went on an actual date which was a walk on the beach.

We get into another special/not special fight & he says that I don’t get it because I just say to him that he had a wife. Yeah, you’re right, I won’t get it. He made things up in his head that things were special, I never said they were special. I never said that sex was special for me, except the fact that this dude gives me the best sex I’ve ever had & the fact that we’ve made love – but not in some lame way, in a #IBD4U/Phoenix way. I try to difuse the subject & offer to give him a hug & scratch his head which he loves & looks like he’s going to purr when I do it, I say “Do you want to hear something absolutely ridiculous that if it doesn’t make you vomit or realise that I’m a loser & also fucking love you so much, I will just end it all now….!! 🤣” He asks what, so I try to explain, you might have to read this twice… “So I was thinking about our initials…. We both have a K. We have a M&N which are next to each other & in the middle next to the K in the alphabet. We have a C&W which are at the start & end of the alphabet. #Lame.” OMG I actually don’t even know how he thinks I am the smartest person he knows! Hahaha. He agrees that’s lame & he had to read it a couple of times to get it, but then says “I have not a single doubt that you love me.” This is the stupid shit I think up! “Or I’m special to you as a friend , online and off-line. I just don’t feel special to you as. Sexually.” I will never understand his point of view on this. I try to explain that when his wife found out & he whittled my first love down to a toothpick, something that was so special for me, that it hurt me, so if he has something made up in his head that was special sexually, then we’re even! But he says that lying to her didn’t make it less special. Well it did for me – because the only person he told about it, he lied about it to!!

When we talk about how he realised that the blog was me, it was because the most recent post at the time Trainer, I didn’t tell him I was fired because of that dude – well I don’t know if he was the reason I was fired, so I just omitted the fact he came over for a drink. Nothing happened with him anyway so what was there to tell? We had some flirty banter in the workplace & that was it. He came over, was a fuckhead & he quit & left. I say that I wasn’t suicidal but I don’t know what I would have done if I lost Phoenix too, but he says “Fun fact… I haven’t thought about ending it once this time. I was just waiting for you to end it.” Well that was never going to happen from my perspective, he continues “It’s something that really bothered me. You not having sex with me , and not seeing me due to a relationship. Bothered me. Especially when it came down to mainly sex.” He says something about us having had sex weekly since this V2.0 started, saying that he wasn’t intending to have sex with me more but he wanted to restore the friendship & see me more without sex, not wanting to be just sex to me. He says “And I already miss you soooo fuckin much when I’m not chatting to you. I hate that feeling.” Awww, how cute. “I didn’t think I would get so addicted to you so quick. I didn’t think I would do like a 80km round trip to see you …” Fuck… “I have meant every thing I said. I love you too #IBD4U. Good night x”

So one of the things I think I love most about the Phoenix morning rants, is that they start at like 4:30am sometimes earlier, they go on for a while with each message he sends & they are so scattered that I get answers to things that we spoke about yesterday or even the day before, I don’t think he scrolls our chats like I do sometimes but it’s like he remembers me asking something or us talking about something & he replies properly in his ranty morning messages. “So I know you hold it against me, I know you got jealous , and I know you knew I was on the anon app looking for people to chat and have even joined new apps too. You are still bringing it now that it annoys you , asking me why having my wife and you isn’t enough. I can assure it was, is , and always enough, infact sometimes it’s too much. It’s not as easy as people think to have an affair, and I’m not talking about chatting to random people on the net, or sleeping with them once or twice. Which is what most partnered men do. When you develop feelings for that person it is extremely hard, I found it extremely hard, it was worth it, but hard. I never want to do that again. Also if you are wondering why most partnered men go weird or pull back after sleeping with you a few times or once, that would be reason, I can assure it is really fucking hard, you need to juggle your feelings with a person you are falling for, someone you are attracted too and want to fuck, at the same time lying to a partner that you also love, and maintaining appearances to them. While at the same time putting that person first, but missing your mistress and wanting to chat to her, see her and fuck her. So any time you saw me looking to chat to people online post first affair, including to this very day, it’s because it’s simply that, I’m just looking for someone to chat to, I never want to have an affair again. It’s already too much this time …. Like I said I missed you yesterday and found it really hard. But I was never looking for a full blown affair, I was never going to meet anyone and never planned on having sex with someone. Somehow you pulled me in, and even worse, I was dying to fuck you haha. I wanted to sleep with you before I met you, I wanted to sleep with you after we met , I wanted to do it within weeks of chatting to you. And I had been chatting with women through my entire relationship with my wife, and even had offers, multiple , and close friendships too. Once you gave me the green light you would sleep with me, we were fuckin doomed, because I started plotting how I was going to do it. And just like you do, I make decisions in life based on having the ability to cheat, I intentionly got an android incase I would see you h future (despite knowing you could end it at any time if you had another relationship), I intentionally picked a part time job so I was available a little more…to be able to see you. So yeah. There is your rant. Also back to coconuts. I going to guess you don’t like them ? I’m weird with coconuts, I don’t like fresh coconuts, don’t like their milk or juice or yoghurt. But I love cherry ripe, love coconut rough, enjoy laminations, Anzac cookies, etc where anything coconut is a secondary flavour. But you won’t see me chugging on some coconut water. Coconuts! Ps you are now #IBD4U” (remember he had me in snapchat as Vagina Meat! & now he’s has me as my initials.)

I fucking love his little rants, I reply “Hehehe you are so adorable. I would hug you right now if I could… I know it’s not easy cheating. It’s not fucking easy being a mistress either. Especially with someone who twists my words… I know you say cunt things to me to push me away – just like the first line of My Medication. I get it but my perspective is still & always will be that I was never enough if you’re still looking for chats – when I was here all along desperate to chat to you…. You know basically now how hard things were for me after reading our story. And seeing details you were never meant to know, not just about other men but how I felt & how upset I was, what I held back…. Coconuts was like days ago, wasn’t it…. Hahaha…. I don’t like dessicated coconut cos it gets in the wire behind my teeth & I can’t get it out even with brushing….” Fuck our conversations are so hilarious & scattered…

He mentions that I could meet him at work on his break, but he only gets 30 minutes though he never knows when it’s going to be as they just go when its not busy & sometimes he gets the first break & sometimes he gets the last break. We both only get 30 minutes so it makes our lunch breaks difficult to use for sex or even just a sexless date, because I don’t want to leave! He says that he’ll probably be going about 9:30am, it’s 9:00am now. It’s a 19 minute drive, so I don’t like to admit it I am in my car heading down to his work, thinking if it doesn’t happen, I have to go to the shops anyway so I’ll just do that instead, so I don’t feel like an idiot for getting in my car so fucking quickly before he’s even confirmed! I get to his work for the first time this affair & park next to his car I tell him where I am & that no doubt he’ll make me move, which he does tell me to go park by the chemist, why the fuck I do what I’m told but I do.

He gets in the car & kisses me hello, he tells me to move near his car but I don’t, I think where we are is fine, I am not driving all around the carpark when he basically only has like 25 minutes to hang out with me. How easy the conversation flows, this is the first time we’ve seen each other since he told me he found my blog a few days ago, but that doesn’t make it weird. We sit chatting about shit & when he realises I am wearing no panties, he fingers me until I cum so I suck his dick for a few seconds but we don’t have sex. Later he says that he’s surprised we didn’t have sex… Well I mean did sexual things, so does that count? We talk about the blog right before he has to go & sort of have a disagreement that pisses me off & he then says he has to go & jumps out the car. I say to him “And for the record because you really pissed me off & then jumped out the car leaning on that shit note… So think what you want about not being special sexually… You are literally the most significant, important person in my life, have been since I met you. What I did before you, doesn’t count & what I did after you, was always a futile attempt to replace you. We will say nothing more about the blog. I’m done with it. Acrually the only thing I want to know about it is… Do you think I’m a good writer?” & he tells me that I am a really good writer which makes me smile.

Have you ever had a partner send you a meme that reminds them of you? I hear about couples being tagged in memes & Tik Toks all the time, for obvious single reasons I’ve never had that, I don’t recall Phoenix ever sending me a meme before but he sends me one (I’ve made my meme heart today!) & regardless of what it says, I am giddy with glee that he saw something & thought of me. I love the tiny gesture, that he will never understand is what’s special to me…

He says that because he was a little over his break time already, he didn’t get to wash his hands so he could smell my cum on his fingers all afternoon. Because he made me cum but then annoyed me & ran away, I am horny, having a fight with him always makes me horny, I have had a couple of wines at my sisters so I start sending him very sexy suggestive pics. Not unlike me with him to send pics, but I haven’t really sent him pics in a long time! He says that this is a new mood, me being Miss Cranky Pants, so I say “You teased me (yes I came!), I was happy then you piss me off so now I send you pics & piss you off….” He says that this isn’t a punishment! It probably isn’t but I am in a teasing mood! I send him about 10 naked pics including a video of me cumming, then because it’s later in the evening, I just say good night & log off without looking at his replies… Fuck him!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Do you hate me?

15 March 2025 – No matter what I say now, he’s read what he’s read & he’s drawn his own conclusions that he is not special sexually to me. I was never special sexually to him, he had a wife the whole time, who went all kinky for him when she found out about me. He did my number one fantasy with her, no thought of how I would feel when he told me about it in great detail, so the fact he’s annoyed at me for having a sex life that I didn’t rub in his face, is just fucking stupid, which is what I tell him, “If that’s how you read it, then you’re a fucking dick head…” I knew he would hate me, but I figured that he would just stop talking to me when he’d read it. “Haha how else did you think I would read it? You think I wouldn’t go all ‘Phoenix’ on you. Who gives a fuck. You now have me back in your life and I’m going to try harder with you and trying to be a bit nicer and not as much of cunt. And clearly I haven’t held it against you too much. At the end of the day, I knew who I was fucking and knew you were not some in experienced Virgin.🤷‍♂️ I’m going offline for a bit but will try and chat later x. I’m not being a dick or fighting with you btw.” Of course he has to go offline, right when we are getting into a heated discussion. Fuck you!

When he finally comes back he doesn’t get why I think he’d hate me, because he says it doesn’t identify him, it doesn’t paint him in a bad light & most of it is good. He says he wouldn’t recommend me showing him, but he doesn’t hate it or me, it just made him miss what we had. He says that pretty much anything bad in the blog I say about him I had told him to his face or via text anyway… At least it explains all the screenshots that I take! Hahaha.

The next morning, I get my little Phoenix rant, which always makes me smile from ear to ear, “I regret telling you I found it now…. I didn’t think you would go all weird on me and freak out and not even be able to talk to me … I debated back and forth if I should tell you , but decided to tell you so you didn’t think I was fucking dying , and just explain why I would randomly say stupid things purposely to gauge a reaction such as telling you I’d fuck cowboys mistress just to piss you off because I had read something that made me jealous. There is alot of detail about your sexual history there, and I definitely should have not read it, as you basically fucked anything and you almost make having sex with you feel meaningless, you don’t say a bad word about me, but you rarely say a bad word about others there either, and after reading it, I’ll be honest, it does feel like having sex with you is just something trivial and meaningless because of how easy you let men do it to you , and it was before, after, during me, I kept an eye on timeliness very carefully. So now I want more than sex with you. So that is why I’m being all weird lately. I just don’t want to be one of the million guys that is allowed to fuck you. I wanted My best friend back , and I just didn’t want sex with you. Hence why I met up you twice now with no intention to actually fuck you, or if it didn’t happen I was not going to be dissapointed, going way out of my way to do it too. I can’t and I could never give you many firsts, despite how much you made a fuss about random stupid firsts, and I’m cool with that. But I can be a better friend and not just simply fuck you” What he will never understand, even though I have told him & what you all know & what he should see from this blog, is that I always used sex to get men to like me, tragic as that is, I did it – the only person it ever worked with was the one man I had such chemistry with that he turned out to be the only one I ever begged & chased, it’s fucking him…! He says that he can see I picked the wrong men – like I had so many choices… I fucking dated the only ones that wanted to date me & none wanted a second date so how did I chose that?!

The thing that bugs him the most is Rob Rob, the fact he & I sexted & that he was married. Phoenix thought he was the only married guy, but turns out he wasn’t, which is stupid because he knew about Max. He keeps going on about being special & how he’s not because he was one of the many, which just fucks me off. I snap back “So using that logic, I wasn’t & am not special to you.. You had your partner, you had Rory, you had cowboys mistress…. You even told me you sexted with people, sent pics, you chatted on the anonymous app the whole time… Hell you’re even now currently on the new anon app.” When he asks which one is the new anon app, I get even more pissed off “Fuck me Phoenix… Really?? How many random apps are you on because your wife & I are not enough!” He says that he only uses the chat apps when he gets bored on days off but what annoys him is that I had said that if either J-lo or Rob Rob left their partners, that I would be with them… The shit he doesn’t understand is that, yeah if they had left their partner I would have tried for a relationship with them, I was looking for a partner, I was dating, so why wouldn’t I date them if they were single? I had a friendship with them that doesn’t mean I was in love with them or what I had with Phoenix was any less… I was dating in the hopes of finding a partner, someone who wanted me, someone who wanted only me. So I don’t think it should be a surprise that I would have entertained the idea. He says that Cowboys mistress & Rory were not even in his mind if things ended with his wife, but I call bullshit, both of them were in relationships for a start & second if I was in a relationship & he was single, he would have 100% fucked them & he would not have waited like I do for him! Don’t fucking bullshit me Phoenix!! All he focuses on is that I was chatting to them while having an affair with him… How’s the pot calling the kettle black! He was married & chatting to other women the whole time, so what difference does it make if I was? He says he wasn’t planning a relationship with women he was chatting to if shit hit the fan but apparently I was. Yes, I was looking for a relationship!!! He gets really angry & so do, I that he says he doesn’t want to fight about it because we only have limited time to talk & he doesn’t want to spend it fighting with me. Fuck he is so frustrating. I kinda wish he would just hate me & block me if this is what I have to deal with…

I send a snap because we have a long streak going – I forget what it’s up too now but the little hour glass about it expiring, doesn’t go away, he says he has no idea about snapchat, so I just say “Actually I’ll just let it expire, cos you’re not special… 🤷🏼‍♀️” which I get his second most infuriating response is “Do what you need to do 🤷‍♂️.” Get fucked cockhead! Then he says “I’m off-line for day , so chat again sometime 🙂” Oh double get fucked cockhead!

Ironically, he does come back online at night, I don’t want to message but fuckwit that I am, don’t want to miss out on my friend & don’t want to go to sleep so pissed off. We talk for ages about all sorts of crap, getting onto the topic of his Facebook page, he says that he’s worked heaps in the last few weeks & he’s not been able to think of content for the page but he says “I’d rather see you 🤷‍♂️. You are important to me, I need to start showing it to you.” I mean that’s sweet & I fucking love that, that I wish my job was more flexible, I am chained to a horrible desk with a team who watches what you do, not the boss, the team, tracking what time you come & go for lunch. He says that he finishes at 10:00am on Thursday so he’ll see me then, I tell him I’ll try to work from home but he says that he’s happy to come the extra distance to work for lunch & it doesn’t matter as he’s getting his car serviced.

We talk all night, him saying he’s cook me steak if he got to cook me a meal, I wish he would cook me steak, I would love for him to cook me a meal… When he goes to sign off for the night, he apologies for being a dick to me & says that he regrets reading the blog… I mean if this is the result of him reading it, I don’t regret it. But I am apprehensive – especially if he is saying he regrets it because that means he’s just a few days away from pulling back & leaving me reeling about what the fuck has just happened in the last few weeks!

I wake up to no rant but I get his usual 4:30am good morning. I am disappointed that there is no rant, but only two short messages & I think this is the beginning of the end. He regretted it last night so now he’s woken up & realising that he needs to pull back… But then he says “Haha trust me you don’t want a. Anymore rants. Because rr. Reading about what me has made everything come back to the front of my mind, and gave me a reality check. And I’ve always missed you. But reading our entire story man it hit me different.”

Playing around with snapchat, I create a countdown for him to bring me ice-cream when I have my surgery, knowing it probably won’t happen cos he won’t be talking to me then anyway. He’s at work, even though it’s Saturday he messages consistently & quickly. I am lying in bed sending him cheeky messages & pictures trying to get a reaction from him, which I get! We talk further about how I probably have the dates of when we met, which I do “We met on the chat app on the 24 March 2017… We met on the 21 April 2017 for lunch & we had sex on 9 May 2017” I send that but looking back, I must seem like a fucking crazy person, who has those dates, so readily available – well they are on a USB somewhere so I had to find it but yes I have them on a spreadsheet!

He says again that sex is meaningless to me & that he was just another guy I fucked. He forgets that it took us over a month to meet in person, for a sexless lunch, that he was never just a guy I fucked, I fell for him so hard, I still love him, so much so that even after all this time we still are able to cum together without faking or trying too… How is that meaningless with him? “And sex was meaningless, I won’t deny that… Till I had someone who loved me. Made love to me & made me feel things I didn’t know existed…” He made me feel things that I didn’t know were possible. He taught me things sexually – which there is no point talking to him about because he won’t believe me, but most of all he taught me about love, friendship & relationships that I never thought I would know or feel in my life. It’s like he’s never had meaningless sex before?! I mean hasn’t everyone just fucked someone for the sake of having sex?! He will ALWAYS be the most special human being in my history because he was the one who eliminated my biggest fear in life & that was: dying without being loved or feeling loved. In my eyes, obviously not his, that is more special to me that anything else…

I was loved.

I am loved.

I love.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Why? What? Where? How?

13 March 2025 – Oooooh intrigue! Who is Phoenix?!

Well it only seems fitting that at this point of the story, affair 3 or ‘A3v2.0’ as I’ve started referring to it as, that the pseudonym change for Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel to Phoenix. Buckle up readers, things are about to get juicy! (the name will be explained!)

“Haha but I probally need to confess…” Yes he better fucking confess before I lose my mind about why he’s being weird… There can only be three things that I can think of… He’s dying from this brain tumour or things aren’t good at home – she’s leaving, he’s leaving – but the marriage is breaking up & he’s setting up his backup plan with me by pulling me close but what I actually think the reason he’s being weird, is that he’s somehow found my blog – I fucking hope it’s the former because he’s going to hate me if it’s the latter!

He’s typing for ages & I can’t fucking stand it… When I see his message, I gasp out aloud, “I found your blog….” FUUUUCCCKKKK! “I googled your fantasy the other day you sent it to me, and it came up with your blog, and it made me realise alot of things and I mean alot of things to you…. it also made me not afraid to reach out to you and be honest with you…. so it was a good thing and it does verify alot of things, it also does poke alot of holes in things you don’t tell me or I shouldn’t know …..there are obviously things I hate in there , there are things that I tear myself down with to make me seem not special to you sexually, but it did make let me know you missed our friendship , and that you did always think about me during our down times. So I decided it was time to reconnect properly But worse of all, it made me miss you sooo much more. The good times are good to read about And I’ve been debating all week to tell you.” Hahaha, FUCK, I knew it!!! I even said to my sister the other day that I think he’s been reading it.

Now I have that confirmed. FUCK. What the fuck has he read & what the fuck did I write?! SHIT. FUCK. SHIT. Well he’s already said that there are things I didn’t tell him – which is true… I did that to stop him from hating me. I did that because I was an idiot.

Back at the end of February, on the day we fucked & he started being weird he had said to me “You have probably written stories indirectly or directly about me too 😜” FUCK, I knew then that he was reading, well I had a inkling that he was but fuck he told me the day he found it & I missed it!!!! So looking back on it now, the blog stats from the 24 February when he started this – or found my blog to 13 March when he confesses that he found it & it’s so fucking obvious, I feel so dumb for really not putting it together but I am so scared he’ll hate me for what I wrote about him & his wife!

He says that he’s read it all, fuck all 500+ posts, meaning he would read about all the fucking shit I’ve done & how I ended up really wrapped up in him, would he see how I got so wrapped up in him or is he still poking holes in my story & not believing that while he thinks he was special sexually – which he was & still is, the non-sexual things mean 1000000 x more than anything sexual with him. Like the Tuesday nights sitting in the car after we had epic sex & just chatting, him being the first person to ever tell me he loved me… More recently, holding hands while walking through a shopping centre. We just have very different points of view on what is special.

Anyway, he says “But if you were wondering why I would just randomly tell you about cowboys mistress, I obviously did that on purpose. I wanted to make you jealous because I got jealous.” Yeah I knew there had to be a reason – our relationship has always been tit for tat. Even though he fucking destroyed me by ending it & ghosting me the first time then coming back online & telling me all about his kinky wife, he got pissed at me for sharing on Facebook or Fetlife, yet he was directly telling me how kinky & amazing his wife was, so I knew there was some reason why he was trying to make me jealous when he talked about her.

He’s mostly pissed that I told other men about the blog but not him, he says the blog doesn’t make him hate me but makes him like me more… Honestly, I find that so odd, because I don’t know I would be ok with someone writing about my sex life, my family, my job & quoting me no less with copy & pasted quotes from our private chats, he says it makes him feel a bit sorry for me but made him not afraid to drop the wall with me… If I had of known that he would be ok with it, I would have told him as soon as I started posting… But I genuinely assume (& still wait for the day) that he hates me because of the blog.

He analyses me based on what he’s read “I mean you do make me sound like some sort of sex God🤷‍♂️. You are soooo fucked up. And based on your blog it just came down to bad luck. I also think you were looking for love in the wrong places after me. I do not believe you are unlovable, bad at relationships, even affection.” I hate the word desperate but I always say for lack of a better word, I was desperate, “I just think you have a terrible judge of character, and being so desperate for a relationship you let alot of red flags slip.” I mean there have been red flags with everyone, but someone once told me that red flags can turn pink, so yeah I do overlook a lot of shit. I mean look at how much I overlook with Phoenix – he brought his mentally unstable partner to my house, he blamed me for her STI… to name just a few things!

“Like I got insanely jealous when I learnt you had online brutal honest friendships… So I made sure I told you I had the same thing… I wanted you to be jealous. That was fuckin intentional. You obviously still use it a blog when you need to vent. There are some things in there that boosted my ego…but also some things that hurt it … I found it Sunday when you shared me the story, and had read most of it by Monday…. before I saw you, but you had sense sometimes had changed in me…….” Fuck he had read it when I saw him that weird day in February when he was really cuddley & hung around way longer than he usually does. Shit. It’s been almost three weeks since then so guess he’s not going to hate me because of it? I can relax? Though the friendships with J-Lo & Rob Rob are the ones that he’s pissed about… I get that. I understand how hard they would be to read, but they literally got a few posts each & were not brutally honest, I barely know anything about Rob Rob really & J-lo doesn’t joke a lot. Phoenix now has four fucking nicknames for fuck sake!

So I now have literally nothing left to hide from him. Any white lie I told him back in the beginning or even with Trainer, he now knows. The only part I still hide, is how much I want him in my life, properly in my life… I am getting better at not hiding that side of me, but I am still waiting for him to pull away again, so I trying not to just let myself give him all of me. I have tried to still make it about sex, when we chat, when we talk on the phone – something that’s been happening a bit more but I talk cheeky, when we meet for sexless dates – twice now, I made hin fuck me one of those times… I still need for it to be about sex because this man. While I don’t really think there is one only soul mate for each of us, I’m not sure I believe in ‘the one’, but I think this man is mine but I can’t let myself get to invested in this. He is going to pull back, he has a wife & kids, they aren’t going anywhere, I know it’ll be me hurt & dumped again when shit hits the fan…

The L word has never done us any favours in the past, in fact it’s probably what destroyed us because neither of us could give each other what we wanted, he wanted & needed for me to be more open, but I didn’t know how to be open & vulnerable. I needed him to be more communicative & obviously single. We couldn’t give each other a fraction of what we needed. We had love & passion, chemistry & friendship but it was never enough if we didn’t have all of the other one, plus it was mostly online. But I can’t be the open, vulnerable partner that he needs, not while our situation is like it is. It is impossible for me to let my guard down so completely, like he needs while I am in this situation. As it is, he’s just read my deep dark secrets & his response was to try to make me jealous, so that tells me that I need to hold back a little with him still, he is not ready for me yet.

He does say that he’ll never doubt my love for him again after reading it. It still annoys me when he says that he doesn’t feel special to me “I mean I was not expecting to find a detailed history of your entire sexual history, and tbh after reading it I will never feel special to you sexually because you gave alot of men things very easily that I thought would need a bit trust and thought I had earned that with time vs some of those stories. But I also couldn’t look away haha. But I don’t know… it made miss our online friendship too… But I didn’t hate it or hate you. Weirdly it made me ree. Reiz. Realize how much I loved you. Ans how much you loved me. Not sure why you would think i woil. Would hate you, anything in there to do with me I already knew.” But he knows that what I wrote he was never supposed to read so he believes how much I love him… I don’t need to keep reassuring him.

So the name change:

The first affair – Noodle – I didn’t even know that I was in love with him… I didn’t believe that someone who’d already picked out their baby mumma & soon to be wife, could actually love me – then he chose her & I felt like a fool.

The second affair – Silverlining – I felt like I had a second chance to really show this guy that I loved him, put all my effort in, not live with my biggest regret that I never told him enough that I loved him using the ♥️ emoji because I was scared during affair one. But even with my effort, he pulled away (because he was getting married) but I didn’t know why & felt like a fool, again with every step I took.

The third affair – Marvel – I made it just about sex. He was my sex toy, he wasn’t getting any feelings, any stimulation other than with his cock. Obviously, there were sometimes where I let my guard down a little, or after sex I told him something I wouldn’t ever tell him via text. He kept the distance by logging off & not talking to me, we caught up, fucked & went about our lives for five years…

But now, the third affair 2.0 – Phoenix has become a level of honesty that I didn’t know could exist. Phoenix tells me that because he read the blog, that he really missed me & realised a lot of things. However the thing we fight about most, is my blog. I thought he would hate me, it turns out he doesn’t, he does hate things I’ve done with other men – which is what we fight about mostly, but you know what, whatever I did while we were together or apart, is nothing compared to what he did to me & the shit he told me about him & his wife. He had a partner the entre time so if I fucked someone else & didn’t tell him, so what…

Phoenix is a new beginning & a cheeky nod to his real name – take of that what you will. I was going to call this new chapter his actual real name, but I think Phoenix suits the situation more than any other name… Marvel was the ash I settled for… Phoenix, is the fire I never thought I’d feel…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #9

12 March 2025 – He tells me that my name is VaginaMeat on Snapchat which I tell him to change because if anyone ever finds that, that’s just awful… I also have had the weirdo down the road stop by, reversing when he saw me out the front & coming to knock on my door when I legged it inside to ask me out for coffee. I saved the camera footage that I picture being used on a crime show CCTV timeline of the day I was murdered. Marvel says “Please don’t get murdered. I don’t want to have to explain that to the cops. Stay away from the creepy guy on your street.” I initially think that he doesn’t want me to get murdered & think that’s sweet, but reading back on that now, I think he just doesn’t want to get caught, being there is video footage of the creep down the street & Marvel at my house on a regular basis. I have always been upfront, well recently at least that I download the video footage & save the chats & pictures… I have told him that I have saved a lot more – well I’ve saved everything in the fear of someone getting away with my murder.

He tells me about someone asking to do a podcast with him for his Facebook page, encourage him to do it. I think he would be good at it, if he has the right sidekick. I always wanted him to do a Podcast with me, I think our banter would translate & would be a fun listen, obviously we never could do it, but I think he should do whatever he can with his Facebook page while he can. I am jealous that he can do all that, I spend hours writing & get nowhere with it. Not that I do this for money but that would be nice…

I also send him a message that I don’t think conveys what I want to say or what I mean – remember he was the first one to put this out there anyway, “So while you’re offline & I’m at the gym, I’ll have my little rant… So I don’t expect that every time we see each other or every night we say “I love you”. Today I just wanted to say it, I wanted to say it first, I didn’t expect it back. I don’t ever want us to say it cos that’s just what you say when leaving the house or hanging up the phone… I want to say it cos I feel it. I didn’t mean to say it after sex either, but that’s just when it happened to come out…” because his reply of “So we should say it when we feel we want to say it? Obviously, the other night I felt the need to say it on Sunday night” He’s said something similar to me a while ago about only saying it when we feel it… So I just want to make sure he doesn’t think I am getting too attached – he says “Last time you put everything on the line and truly showed every ounce of love for me….you ended things and went bat shit crazy. I don’t want you to go bat shit crazy for me and end things again…. I also never planned to string you along Or manipulate you to be the other woman. Everything in our past was genuine. Still is…” Because he said I went bat shit crazy & ended it with him last time we showed our feelings too much, I use this to keep the boundaries… I am keeping those walls up & boundaries up, but it fucking slipped from my lips after we fucked today… He says “We both held stuff back, 🤷‍♂️ both idiots. Hopefully we can learn from our mistakes as we mature.” I have learned from my mistakes, I won’t get attached like I did last time, so when this ends, I know I will be ok when he pulls away. It’s only a matter of time… How much time, I don’t know but I can’t let myself get invested like the last two times. He says that last time I was psychotic – I wouldn’t say that, I literally drove to his gym, he wasn’t there so I ended it by video because he’d been pulling away saying “I’m busy” constantly. I don’t think that’s psychotic, I didn’t go to his work or in his work, her work & cause a scene, I saw the stupidity & I ended it… & four days later he got married, so if he thinks I am the psychotic one, then I am ok with that… Everyone reading this can see who the psychotic one really is, I don’t need to justify it anymore than that!

Towards the end of affair two I was also having issues with work, they were writing me scripts & banishing me to a room away from everyone to make calls, that all the stuff with Marvel escalated, so him saying he was busy all the fucking time just pissed  me off… Nothing is more insulting that someone saying they are too busy for you – to send a fucking text! Someone who loves you, is spinning you what seems real but is actually bullshit about how much they love you, to then turn around & pull away… Yeah I am the idiot there! & to now find out he almost fell for other women & would’ve fucked them, yeah I’m the idiot. He says “Well. I wasn’t showing I was caring. And you poured your fucking heart out. It makes me sad just thinking about it…” I tried & got clobbered with ‘I’m busy’ & one thing that he started saying when we said good night every night was ‘luv ya’ in his own admission, trying to push me away, it worked, I walked away. He says “It was probably the only point I didn’t question it.” Wow, he didn’t question my love? But I say “And it changed nothing so it didn’t matter…” I am hurt that he realised I did love him & it changed nothing… He says “It makes me sad thinking about it.” Yeah makes me sad thinking four days later he married her anyway, all the while thinking about me…

---

13 March 2025 – The next morning we’ve planned to talk on the phone so I don’t get a lengthy morning rant, which I miss… fuck! I love his morning rants, they explain a lot & tell me a lot. But he doesn’t give me one. I do ask though if he likes the little pet names as he mentioned something about the initials & the other pet names I gave him. He says that no one has ever called him babe or baby & he didn’t think he’d like it but he fucking loved it… Um so his wife has never called him babe or baby? Isn’t that a standard term of endearment?! But he says I made him feel special when I made up names for him…

When we talk on the phone for fuck knows how long, we talk about normal shit in normal voices but then when we talk a little sexy, both of our voices change… his voice gets quieter, deeper & slower – he says mine does the same too… It’s a much more sexier voice. We cum over the phone having phone sex, something we’ve not done before so it’s fucking sexy & hot to get a different interaction when we’re apart. I love that we still find these new ways to keep things interesting & different.

I do have a little joke with him as the band Falling In Reverse are in Adelaide tonight, I tell him that I am going to this new band & tell him he should check them out. He says that he wishes he was going but he’d have to take the whole family, it’s a school night & the tickets would be over $600 for all four of them. I am actually really disappointed that with the money they both make & the fact they have half the mortgage of me on my own, that they don’t just splurge on something like this. Experiences like that for me at the top of my priority list, so I’m surprised he is so tight with money but he tells me he is saving for their passports. I don’t ask why, I don’t think I want to know why.

He remembers something that I can’t – maybe I do a little but I don’t know if it’s because I want to think he & I were connected way back when. But he says that the person he was seeing when I worked at Foodland, who was one of my staff, wanted to introduce him to her boss, so he was introduced to me… I mean I don’t deny it happened, I have no clue but why would it take him 8 years to bring this up?  Maybe he has before, I don’t have as much conversation saved as he thinks I have, but I don’t know if this happened or not… I like to believe it did, another reason we should be together, the universe introduced up even though we were both with other people like 20 years ago. I don’t know why he goes on & on about their relationship & how much she fucked him etc, but he does. I think it’s a little bit to make me jealous of people he’s fucked but maybe a little bit of bragging to his best friend, not really thinking that he’s fucking his best friend too so she will get jealous.

I tell him about my dorky side, like things like picking up something in the car to use as a microphone when I am in the car with someone like my sister, he says “It’s kinda fucked really, I consider you my closest and best friend that I have had my entire life, and shared all sorts stuff with you , been brutally honest , known you for over 7 years , had a full scale affair with you, feel more at home with you than anyone I have ever known. Yet we never got to know other outside of sex in actual person apart intimate moments after sex. I still learn new things about you and you learn new things about me. To this very day” It is a bit sad I never got to do anything non sexual with him, would we have lasted as long? Who knows… He always thought I was so cool, which is so not true at all!

He tells me that he finally just called the hospital & doesn’t have an appointment until April. If he’s losing sight in one eye then I am appalled that it’s going to take so long. I finally get the courage to ask, I’m not sure he’s ever going to tell me & I’m not sure I ever wanted the answer, “Is that why you’re talking to me like this now, cos you’re scared your gonna die?  Or lose your sight so you want to remember what I look like riding you?” which I added a joke to lighen the mood of my question. He says “Is that why you think I’m suddenly being nice to you ?” Um, yeah dude, I do, why now, after five years of distance!! But he says that he’s not afraid to die, he’s afraid of surgery (he has a huge needle phobia). & then says “You really want to know why ? Well I’m not going to know I’m dead once I’m dead and we all die sometime. I mean I don’t want to die for my kids But my wife will move on, you will move on, life goes on.” Stop stalling & just fucking tell me!!! “Haha but I probally need to confess…” ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

#IBD4U

March 2025 #8

12 March 2025 – I’m so sorry if you’re bored but this is my journal, I can’t speed up my thoughts! I will try though, I promise! One of the things that helps me when I am wigging out on the fact that Marvel is putting in effort – maybe his plan is so I meet someone else & leave him alone… I mean but all he had to do was just stop coming back online & leave me alone if he really wanted that… But writing about it, as it happens, or reflecting back on it a few weeks or months later, helps me gain perspective & not just be reactive in the moment, like I usually am. Writing has always been an interest for me, so I do this for me not for any other reason… But stick with me… 🤣

I wake up to another morning Marvel rant – I wasn’t going to post all these, but fuck it’s so confusing that I can’t help but add them… “You know what I don’t get? Is why we still have the conversation of thinking we don’t think each other is special? Like After 8 years  We are still connected. Despite being mostly sexual. We were still friends. And even if it was shit friends. Even if neither of was even willing to put it each other first during the 90% sex phase for the last 5 years. We both made sure we were committed tto the friendship , you still sent messages to entice me to fuck you , I always replied, and somehow we still caught up once a month for sex, and some brief convo about our life’s or just sometimes just random shit. Sure you fucked people, sure I chatted to others when I could of chatted to you , hell I’ll even admit I sexted people 🤷‍♂️. I enjoyed the attention and my ego being feed. But at the end of the day , Im always back to you. Your the friend I wanted, you are the person I have always maintained regular Contact with, regardless if it was daily, weekly, fortnightly, or in person monthly. And I doubt you have had that contactt with anyone except me for this long. So we are fuckin retards. And the only reason it pisses me off is because I only want to be special to you, and visa versa. So like a fuckwit I get jealous, I get jealous of your past. I try and justify I’m not special. But I shouldn’t even look at your past history or even who you have fucked. And you shouldn’t hold it against me I didn’t give you my full attention when online and gave some of it to others. Or that I made friends with others , I can’t believe you got mad at me for meeting someone that got me sense of humour lol or was brutally honest with me, because I’m sure you have met people on the chat app that got that about you! But at the end of the day, after one year, one day , 5 years. One year of not talking, one month of not talking, one hour of fighting. We can talk to other like nothing has happened, like best friends with an insane amount of chemistry and never get bored or awkward unless we are angry. And that is what makes us special to each other. And that shit translates to real life, and translates even worse sexually 😐” FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Our friendship for better or for worse, is this, & returns to this the second we let our guards down, at this point, mine is still up a little more than his, but when we do allow ourselves to chat, to feel, to love, we are best friends & we are best friends first… When we met online 8 years ago we didn’t meet for months but he was the person I was sharing all my things with, yes mostly about sex, but at that time too (& most of my life TBH), I felt like the only way that I could have a conversation with men was to talk about sex. Marvel never believed that he had so many firsts with me, thinking that I was literally having kinky sex for my whole life, not realising that it was really only months before I met him that I started exploring that side of me, I just embellished when I met him because it kept him engaged & drew him in… I never would have done that, if I knew that it was also going to be his biggest insecurity about us.

He believes the non sexual firsts we have, but I don’t think he realises to the extent, being that I had Boyfriend, I don’t think he realises that in the almost 18 years I’ve been single, I tell him that “All my non sexual firsts you’ve already had with someone else… But i still treasure them…” Being the first man I loved & the first man to love me, means more to me that who I fucked & in what position. Marvel is the first man that I had a proper consistent friendship & the first man I’ve ever been able to call my best friend, I’ve have other chats with men online but they were never my best friend, despite what he thinks about people I’ve dated or chatted too, he always was & always will be my number one, even if we somehow loose contact… He surprises me by saying “If you think I have the same honest, totally open friendship with my wife, you know I don’t. I hold myself back to her. Especially my nerdy loser side. I show and tell you everything. You were my first proper best friend. And still are 🤷‍♂️” When he says things like that to me, I am always so perplexed why he even bought a house with this woman, long before kids & marriage, why would you… I mean even though I never felt the same about Boyfriend as I do about Marvel, at the time I was open with Boyfriend, we shared things & he knew my stupid things about me, he didn’t know me like Marvel knows me, but I didn’t marry Boyfriend & I certainly didn’t have kids with him while holding back shit from him!

I say “I don’t think you do with your wife, but I do know now you had it with other people, which I didn’t realise. I knew you were friends with people, but I didn’t think quite like we were friends…” & he doesn’t get it & thinks that I’ve had all these online relationships the same as he had with Cowboy’s mistress… I didn’t, but he is adamant that he’s sure I did… Rob Rob would log off for even longer than Marvel ever did & forget about me & J-Lo was always in his own head that I got advice from him about Marvel but there was nothing really there with us. There has never been any one else in comparison to Marvel. He tells me I should be jealous of his relationship with his wife not someone woman online… Well his relationship with his wife doesn’t make me jealous because I know they sit in separate rooms, they don’t really connect or talk & he’s just even admitted he holds back with her – our relationships don’t even compare to be jealous of. But the things I am jealous of, is her getting to live with him, sleep next to him, him cooking & cleaning for her, when she doesn’t even appreciate it, she takes it for granted & teases him for his hobbies & interests, like she’s got so many fascinating interests or something… I’m not jealous of their connection because I don’t believe they have one, besides their kids. But him rubbing it in my face that he had one with Cowboys mistress, makes me jealous.

Today he is meeting me, he thinks it’s not going to be a sex date & says he can resist me, so I send him a picture of me in lingerie before I go to work, which he says isn’t playing fair but he wanted to play the game… I do want sex less dates, I haven’t had many of them with him before, or anyone really that I was interested in but I also want sex because who knows when the next time is that I will see him.

We meet outside near his car & we decide on Red Rooster – yes there are still a couple left in SA, as we walk into the store, we hold hands & fuck me & my walls for coming down but holding his hand, in broad daylight near my work, it feels right… So natural. So easy. It’s been years since I held hands with someone & holding his hand, is just – this sounds dumb, but where it’s meant to be… This is what is special to me, not the hot sex we have, not the conversations – they do mean something to me of course but holding hands & not feeling forced or awkward just feels like home… You can vomit now… Hahaha. We order & sit at a window bench seat. We are sitting there eating & looking at some woman just standing by his car, which he is obsessed with, so I touch his leg every so often or look at him to give him the fuck me eyes. I can’t believe that this is our second lunch date at my work & I feel so at ease with him, like he is my actual boyfriend, like we do this all the time… Um, fuck.

As we sit there chatting, he puts his hand on my leg & slides up my dress, brushing my panties ever so slightly & he snatches his hand away & says “Fuck, I touched it” I bust out laughing… Just like in Finding Nemo, I say ‘I touched the butt.’ I reach over & touch his dick & he says without looking at me “Don’t touch it” & again I laugh telling him that he wanted to play this game! We walk to my car & somehow get in the back, he has his pants off quickly & I am sucking his dick when I look up & remind him that he was going to resist me. People seem to be walking around really close to the car that I tell him we need to move… Fuck now I am being like him every time he’s made me move my car when I met him at his work or gym back in the day! We drive around the streets & as it’s getting closer & closer to the end of my break, I just park in a side street & get in the back with him. When I hear a crack. FUCK! I look down & see his phone on the floor, fuck I have just crushed his phone!!!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK… I pick it up & give it to him, while straddling him, he doesn’t seem to care & is pulling me down on him, but we realise that it’s just the cover of the phone! Thank god… He’d probably have some dumb excuse to explain how he broke it that would make no sense!!

As we fuck, we are both so turned on, so I cum riding him, then he picks me up & pounds me as I am laying on the back seat. I ask him to fuck me hard & I can feel us both building really quickly, as I start to cum, he cums, finishing really hard deep inside me… Um – how the fuck did we cum together?! Fucking hard, connected & turned on, it’s the closest thing I have to making love & the only man who I’ve ever done that with!!! How is it even possible? I mean after all this time… How can we be so in tune… Is it because in reverse dog years we’ve really only had like half the time together that we would have if we were a real couple?

I get back to work all just fucked & leaking cum, that I even show him a picture of my work chair that has a wet patch on it. I never realised how much of a selfless lover he is until he said “I thought it was hot when we finally did it, you told me to fuck you hard and make you cum quick 😐. I do things to stop myself Cummings, either slowing down…changing positions , Getting you to ride me. It was kinda nice not to stress if I came in under 3 minutes and just fuck you hard …..and not worry. I was scared you were not going to cum because I could feel you close as I started to lose control.” He always makes sure I cum first, I know this & usually multiple times, I love that about our sex, but I never really realised it was something he worried about…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #7

11 March 2025 – Incoming morning Marvel rant!

“I could not fall asleep last night, I was up to at least 11.45. But I was thinking, you have never apologised before haha. When you have had weird dickhead moments. Interesting to know you have done it. You usually just distract me with sex when you are back to being nice to me 😛 It’s actually insane to think we have talked to each other for over 7 years… You looked so much younger 7 years ago ! But so did I probably 🤷‍♂️ I mean there has been breaks , there has been moments of sex text only…. but there has always been that bond and friendship that accidentally comes out every time I fucked you, in which we both let our guard down, either showing each other a little affection, or sharing little life updates, sometimes good or bad, I do wish I could of spent more time with you during the bad times when I could see you were struggling and down, especially during the times you struggled with your favourite job, or when your dad first had heart problems, even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling….and I should of been a better friend….. I regret putting that guard back up now as soon as the time limit after sex was done, and you put the guard back up… because during those brief moments clearly you were crying out for My friendship while your guard was down because you had just cum multiple times. Because clearly there was a friendship and love for me, and clearly you were trying to reach out for me for help, and in a way you did get it very briefly after sex and our guards were down…. kinda sneaky on your behalf… Fuck Marvel so I can enjoy his friendship and love for a brief moment hen he let’s his guard down and I let mine down 😛 But I should of been better, I should of reached out to you and checked in with you. I should of told you I still cared. I should of told you I still loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t 😕”

Ok, who are you & what the fuck have you done with Marvel?! I copy & paste his whole message because I want you to see how his mind works – I have no idea why he mentioned how we looked younger because we didn’t share photos or talk about looks really… But also I feel like he’s getting closer to cracking & telling me what’s going on!

I reply that I wish I would have told him what I felt, but I knew he would shut it down, he has a problem with empathy, he tells me that all the time, so there is no way that he was going to just say ‘oh #IBD4U, I feel the same way!’ so I could never say anything, he says he wouldn’t but I know that he would have pulled away & told me not to get too close. I say “The ball is always in your court. Even now, any day now you could just go back to messaging sporadically. And even if I messaged 45 time a a day, you wouldn’t read them for weeks. I never wanted to feel like a fool so I didn’t bother & while I could see love there, I didn’t know how much or even if you’d ever admit it again after everything we went through.”

One thing that strikes me is that he admits he’s known me for 7 years, almost 8. He tells me “Hahaha if I couldn’t connect it to my daughter it’s like 4 years in my head. I also can’t pretend it hasn’t been that long we have known each other… And I know you didn’t message me in fear of me not reading it for a week so you would only message me stuff that would not make you feel like an idiot. Which is sex. Which I oddly think is the one thing that never makes you feel like an idiot around men.” I tell him, “I was never going to say anything of significance in text with you jist for feeling like an idiot & you not replying or saying you can’t support me like you used too… Every chick (who’s into men!) wants a man to support her during shit times… You were my person & I wanted to tell you shit.” Didn’t he tell me when I first got fired during the second affair that he couldn’t support me like he had. Yes, yes he did!

He legitematly seems sorry – maybe for the first time ever “I’m sorry 😐. I’m legit have a shit sense of time … I don’t do it for any other reason. Time flies as you get older… But yeah. Even if I’m being dick. Even if I can’t get back to you straight away. You can reach out to me… I would of never completely shut you down … I’m way better at building walls than I realised 😐” but what he doesn’t realise is that, he may not have shut me down, he says later that he wouldn’t have ignored a plea for help, but reality is, that he wouldn’t log on for days, or weeks… It wasn’t about what he was going to say per se, it was about the distance he put between us by not logging on to see if I had messaged & how I would feel with a message perhaps saying ‘my dad had a heart attack’ sitting at unread for a week by the person I am in love with… How is that supportive or good for my mental health?! Why would he even think that I would write that to him. I mean fuck, but in affair one, if he knew I was going out to dinner he wouldn’t message me because he didn’t want to feel like a dick & I would fucking write back to every message within an hour at the most, he didn’t want to feel like a dick for one hour, imagine feeling like a dick for a week, while dealing with your recovering dad… We won’t agree on this because I don’t think he would have given me what I needed or even 10% of what I needed, even if I did tell him about the shit in my life.

He sends me a snap of a diary – it’s the second of April & it has two names on it, some chick & his, with N/A next to it. Awwww fuck he’s so cute. He’s booked the day off when I am off with my gum surgery. I say that I have never seen his handwriting, but he hates his writing & says it looks like an 8 year olds, that he prefers typing. Something that has always made me admire Marvel is his grammar & spelling (even though there are lots of spelling mistakes in the copy & pasted messages – they are usually autocorrect or snapchat not having predicative text & us typing too fast). He tells me that he’s a good typist & his son put typing as a goal for the year as it was something he admired about his dad… I almost want to say something bitchy because I bet his wife made fun of Marvel & probably thier son, for him wanting to touch type like his dad… I think it’s super fucking sweet that his kids look up to him!

My Spotify has been playing songs lately that I haven’t paid attention too, but even though I still don’t know what the fuck Marvel is doing right now with me, how long it’ll last with the sexless dates & all day messaging & I’m afraid to ask because I don’t know if I want to know the answer, but a song comes on my playlist Lifetime by Three Days Grace, I’ll post as always for you to listen too. I think it’s relevant to when I thought we had really lost each other the second time. I send to him & he says that Three Days Grace are a fav band & it comes up on his spotify but he’s not really listened to it before.

Three Days Grace  – Lifetime

Called to say hello
Your voice always takes the pain away
The thought is unimaginable
That I saw you for the last time and didn’t know

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Now, I’m walkin’ ’round in a haze
There’s no color, only darker shades of gray
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me
Feels like a bullet running through me
Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Neil Sanderson / Ted Bruner / Barry Stock / Matthew Walst / Bradley Walst

Lifetime lyrics © Ted Bruner Songs, Mean Music Publishing Inc, Purple Planes Publishing, Riot Express Publishing, Baby Cats Music Inc

He says he’s going to come see me this week, but has to call the hospital about his eye, but he’s been asked to work in the morning now, so can’t call. I say that he doesn’t have to come see me if he has to call the hospital, I’ll delete the fake meeting out of my diary but he says “You don’t need to delete me. I said I would come see you, I did have a day off and still have Thursday off, only working the morning.” Maybe I need to start believing that his guy does want to see me & does want to see me for sexless dates… I am just waiting for the day he stops… It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird phase, so it’s going to come to an end soon, right? I need to be prepared for the day that happens… His life will go on like I never existed, but if I let my guard down here, even a little, I will be shattered when he goes back to not logging on for weeks on end…

Cute things he notices is that we are now Super BFF’s on snapchat – I did notice, it means you have been each other’s number one best friend, the one you talk to the most on snapchat for over 2 weeks. As much as Snapchat is the only social media I use since losing my Facebook, I don’t really use it for chatting, I use more for just cataloguing my life in pictures. So the fact he realises this but then asks me a question & says that I can’t get mad, which makes me laugh. He asks when my birthday is. I know he is shit with dates, so I am not annoyed, but it’s on my snapchat profile which he then gets pissed at himself for not realising. But he says that he just wants to remember when it is… Being that it’s about 5 months away, I think to myself that he won’t need a reminder, he probably won’t even be talking to me like this then, we’ll be back to monthly fucking & barely talking… I do tell him it’s a Friday though this year, so he won’t be able to see me, it surprises him that I know his patterns… I mean it’s not hard to figure out, every Friday he only talks to me in the morning & later at night or if he is at work… So not hard to pick up his pattern, same with the weekend she has off… I even say “If you’re still talking to me like this, I’ll remind you so you fuck me on the Thurs or sat…!! 😋” which he says “You make an assumption I won’t b” Its not an assumption, I’m almost certain of it… If this lasts longer than a month, I will be very surprised, he is notorious for putting in effort then losing interest… It’s only a matter of time.

I tell him I didn’t make eye contact with him much over the last 5 years, but why I made eye contact with him on Sunday was because I didn’t want him to see the love in my eyes & him pull away, he asks if I really think he’d do that & yes, I 100% do think that.. I say “You didn’t want to be close to me in case I met someone & I didn’t want to be close to you so you didn’t pull away or when your wife finds out, I am not the fool again.. So we’ve not been the smartest. Considering we know each other so well in other ways…” He tells me that big fear for him, “I was 100% sure if my wife left me or shit hit the fan. You would be in a relationship” but then he says “If you love something you set it free” & I say that’s a load of crap but he says he believes it… Well he’s never set me free? He keeps me dangling like a carrot waiting for a scrap of his time, so that when his wife does leave him, he can jump straight over to me, because what he doesn’t actually say is that his biggest fear is being alone.

He startles me by asking “Do you think we should of restarted this ? Our best friend online friendship? Sooner? From the start?” Um, do I think things would be this honest – let me tell you, we were always honest but this is different, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very different to the last almost 8 years. I never want to admit this but I say “Hmmm, sooner yes but not from the start… I’ll only ever say this once to you…. You were right to keep distance. Maybe not for 5 years but it was the right thing to do.” He asks why, which I knew he would, I say “I feel like I’m – what’s the word, maybe more mature (not old – don’t say it jerk!) that I’m able to see this clearer perhaps… I wouldn’t have been able to 5 years ago…” He asks how long I planned on doing this charade & I say forever as I’m not meeting anyone worth dating, he says that I’ll meet someone now that he’s making an effort… He may as well just have actual stabbed with a knife, just then, it would’ve hurt less… Hmmm we will see, I guess…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #6

10 March 2025 – It’s Monday of the March long weekend, he tells me that he won’t be around much today for obvious reasons, but chats to me way more than I expect him too, especially him talking about why we haven’t talked a lot in the past 5 years – just so you know this is a seemingly dialogue heavy post! He says “Because this would happen. We both knew this would happen. Neither of us are fucking stupid. We became online best friends… And that is a train wreck just waiting to happen That means feeling develop…a strong connection will develop” Well he’s right about that. But I honestly, just assumed he didn’t give a shit & was just sex to him, so that’s why he didn’t message… I never dreamed he was holding back so much, I just assumed he went about his days & weeks after fucking me without a thought of me… I wish I asked him at the time why he is doing this if he thinks it’s a train wreck, but I didn’t even think of it… He says “I thought about you all the time , I mean not messaging you all the time helped push me you to the back of my mind.” I dare him to put his phone down then, & his reply makes me smile like a wanker “No. I missed this so much”. FUCK! Then he says“I’ve told you every fuckin time we stopped I missed it.” DOUBLE FUCK. However, he’s always the one who puts the barriers up that made me walk the second time, its never been me!

As we’re talking about the fact we always fucked monthly, he says he didn’t notice, but contradicts himself by saying that if it got to the end of the month & we hadn’t fucked, I became more tempting & worked harder to get him to fuck me. Which is true, I won’t deny that! Our relationship was based on sex “It did technically come down to sex….I mean I loved you , will always love you, and will never forget about you. And haven’t been madly in love with you for the last few years. But I knew if I chatted to you… So I held back. So tbh if you didn’t fuck me.. I would of messaged you every 6 months… And eventually stopped  It would of slowed down… So your monthly sex achieved your goal  It kept me engaged with you on a fortnightly basis as a minimum. I never planned on cutting you off completely … But I did plan on weening myself off you. Where it would just get to the point where I would just check in on you every 3 months or 6 months.” Would he really still check in every 3-6 months? He didn’t the first time, cut me off without a trace, second time he said he’ll chat when he can & I never heard from him again until I saw he was online again & I reached out… So would he really contact me again? I highly doubt it? That part has always been on me!

This little rant comes out of the blue, while I am at the gym, it’s not in relation to anything we’ve talked about this morning so it makes me smile knowing this is something he was thinking about “So I’m going to give you a morning rant while you at the gym and can’t reply . Cos I’m a dick like that. And I won’t be around much today. But the reason I struggle to believe you about my body image, or myself. Is because I know you love me…. I know you see past my flaws…I know I’m not perfect, despite my big ego I don’t see myself as a 10/10, I’m like a 7 in my head, above average…but know I’m not ugly… But have major body image issues , especially the size of my dick, the size of my gut (which my head probably magnifies by x10) and my tiny unbuff arms. I know I’ve got other things going for me, I’m 6″1 with broad shoulders and a full head of hair in my 40s 🤷‍♂️. And I know I go on a bit of an ego trip sometimes… But I also know you are going to look past my flaws. And I’m going to be attractive to you know matter what. And that’s when the little voice inside my head puts myself down, I know you mean what you say. But I just think you won’t past my flaws…so then I subconsly high light my flaws to you and to myself …and always ….always think you deserve better than me, someone that doesn’t have my flaws… I know I don’t have a small cock…., but I don’t have a big one… I know I don’t have big arms, or a 6pack , and I even know that’s not even important to women , women will fuck anything they have a connection with. But in my head I think you deserve all of that. So I put myself down in my head. Then stupidly to you. I guess I do it to try and justify my decisions of the past too. So yeah. I’m an idiot. Because when someone like cowboys mistess told me I’m attractive…I believed her, and trust me, she told me alot …. But I believed her knowing she’s not in love with me vs you, the actual person I was fucking, and in love with. Well now you know why? I see past your flaws for the same reason 🤷‍♂️” WOW! Again, finally. I’ve been saying this for years about his looks & dick, I love him, am going out of my way risking a lot to cheat with him, he thinks I can have anyone I want yet he believes a women he’s never met & his wife, who, by his own admission never complimented him until she found out about me – assuming that lasted about 5 minutes, but he never believed me, the one person who never lied to him about how he looked to me or how me made me feel.

But unfortunately, Marvel being Marvel, starts going on about Cowboy’s mistress & I’m reminded to keep a wall up “Well cowboys mistress became a good friend , and if she lived closer…I’m not going to deny it, I would of fucked her in a heart beat , especially at any time we were not exclusive. And she was 100% jealous we fucked , she definitely said things in public to piss you off on purpose hahaha” Right then… Why did she even know he was fucking me?? He lost his shit at me for people knowing about him… Why is she trying to piss me off? I don’t even know her!! & the big question we all know the answer too, why didn’t he ask her to stop to protect me rather than just making me feel like a fool watching them flirt live in a public chat, while he’s not even messaging me privately??

“Oh I’m so good at making you feel special hey! 😛 But I would of , she was attractive, gott my sense of humour and always made me feel attractive, and we were both brutally honest with each other” I write back “Wow, you also said I’m the only one who got you & your sense on humour… Now she was also the perfect woman to cheat with… I was just the most geographically convenient one…” I then have to put down my phone for a bit, he doesn’t realise how much his words sting & fuck me off… I know I fucked other men when I was with him, but he’s had a partner that he married the whole time he’s been with me, he told me multiple times he wasn’t looking to cheat, loves his wife & now he’s admitting if this woman lived closer, he would’ve fucked her while fucking me & his wife. Get fucked asshole… Anyone else getting Max vibes, two women are not enough!!! I realise that eveything Marvel said during affair two was just fucking bullshit. I am shattered. My phone buzzes consistently for a while & it takes all of my energy not to pick it up & read them instantly.

“Haha na you get me or soooo many more levels… There have been others geographical convenient for me… I never fucked them 🤷‍♂️ Your not the only person who has lived closed and put the offer out there 🤷‍♂️ You were single and you did fuck people , I don’t hold it against you  You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck me #IBD4U. I fell in love with you. I never fell in love with one anyone else. I would think about you all day. You were in My fuckin thoughts no matter what. So do what you want. Pick apart what I tell you while I’m being honest with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. Try and make yourself feel less special , be a retard and do what I do. What fuck head drives 40 minutes to see a woman for lunch ? This dumbass… But keep picking my story apart. Whatever. Not even reading my messages now haha.” Theres the Marvel I know, the one who has to get angrier than me when I am angry – if fact I’m not even angry, I am hurt, so fucking hurt & need a moment! I’m not picking apart his story, it’s fucking facts. When he was becoming such good friends with her, I was spilling my guts out to him about how much I loved him, thinking that if I’d have told him more during affair one that things would have been different in affair two, but in fact all the while he was forming friendships with other people, that he prefered to come back online at night for, would have fucked them if they lived closer & no doubt, would have ended up falling in love with them too… So how am I special?!

Fuck sake, I give up on this conversation because there no winning with Marvel, he is right & I am wrong. As always… I fucked men while with him so I’m that means he can rub it in my face that he wanted to fuck others (contradictory to what he’s told me before). I never fucking rubbed my sex life on purpose in his face, except for the posts on fetlife, which I was even sure he’d see.

Anyway, it’s the middle of the afternoon, he is playing a game with his daughter, who he sends a snap of to me, something similar to the game guess who but looks different… So he’s at home, she’s at home – during the day on a public holiday, he’s playing with his kid & can message me – just remember that! However, I fucking love that he is sharing more about his kids & showing me what a fucking cute dad he is. He’s holding some toy she just gave him to hold as his game buddy. It’s so fucking cute & makes me fall a little more in love with him – but the previous conversation made me fall a little bit out of love with him, so it’s now evened out. Hahaha

I tell him that at the end of March – I’m not sure why I offer it up so far in advance being it’s the start of March still, it’s still like 2 weeks away that I am having gum surgery & having 3 days off work that I’ll be free for 2 of them recovering. He says his roster isn’t done but he’ll see if he can see me for a few hours. He says that he’ll put it in the roster book to have the day off, which surprises me… I mean I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here! It’s been exactly 2 weeks of this daily chatting, all day – everyday… Even on days when he says he can’t chat much & is home with the whole family…. Let’s actually see if he even sees me for a couple of hours or not…

One thing that has always been weird is the fact I’ve kept everything, every screenshot I took – which isn’t every thing from the beginning, but there is a lot of pictures, screenshots & info about the dates & times we fucked. Mainly because Marvel always told me his wife would kill me so I was prepared, but then my blog became more of a journal that when we started up the third time, I saved every single thing, for my blog, however I barely wrote about 2024. He talks about having deleted everything, FetLife when he got pissed at me, but I only posted on there cos he was telling me daily about his kinky wild sex with his partner after she found out about me. He’d deleted the emails from the random yahoo account. It makes me super sad he has nothing, when we reconnected for the second affair, he mentioned that he’d recently read the emails we sent at the end of affair one, before we started chatting again, which made me realise that he wasn’t done with me. But he says “So I’ve got nothing. From our past. Makes me a little sad.” He says it’s nice that I still have the stuff – albeit it does scare him but he says also that I’ve never done anything with it so he trusts me.

I remind him that I gave him a Samsung watch that I clearly could’ve sold that came free with a phone but I just gave it to him. I tell him it was a obvious I love you gesture, which he agrees “Why was I such a dick to you for so long.” Yeah who the fuck knows Marvel… Who knows!! I say he didn’t deserve it, that I never got a gift from him & he says “You probally deserve something tbh” Oh yeah right, as if this guy will ever buy a fucking gift for me… & it’s not like I went out specifically to get it for him, something thoughtful & meaningful, no, I just gave him something that was surplus to my needs, however I probably should have sold it.

So after telling me at 7:00am that he wouldn’t be around much today, I was able to copy & paste 27 A4 pages of messages from him, which weren’t just messages before 10:00am & after 9:00pm when she would be asleep, there were messages all throughout the day… How is he messaging me without getting caught? Before he goes for the night, he says that he’s going to come visit me at work on Wednesday for lunch again… Errr ok… I want him too of course, but this job is so difficult, not because of my boss but because of the team, they seem to track each other more than anything, making sure no one takes a minute more than they are allowed… I will figure something out in my diary or work an extra 30 mins to make up the time I am with him.

This is also about the time I start using his initials as my good night, I say sorry for being a dick today (not sure why, looking back he fucking deserved eveything I gave him & more!) & I say ‘Night ABC xxx’ & he says ‘errr night IBD4U,’ using my real initials too. A little term of endearment, that’s not too lovely dovey but not just his name, something no one else calls him, something special for him, without being obvious. I mean I still don’t know what is going on here, so I need to keep my heart to myself a little, he could go back to chatting once a fortnight like he was before at the drop of a hat, I may never know what the fuck is going on here & it could change just as quickly as it did to begin with…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #5

So with his weirdness still going on, sexless dates & all day chatting from 4:20am when he gets up to about 4:00pm or 5:00pm, then again around 8:30pm – 9:00pm till almost 11:00pm some nights, I am weirded out still as to what is happening, we’ve done a few phone calls, he’s met me for a sexless date – not me going to him all the time & says he wants more of it. What is he doing, because if he can’t keep this up, it’s going to destroy me. I am trying to keep it at an arm’s length but it is fucking intoxicating & I am drawn in without even realising how much of myself I am giving him.

We are chatting, he gives me a morning rant that is like 20-25 messages in a row of all sorts of shit, so our conversations go everywhere & if I wrote about everything we talk about, I would never get this story out… But because of his early morning rants that I love waking up too, I open up & say “I don’t know if I ever told you but my biggest fear in life was that I would die never being loved… Cos the ex boyfriend never said it no other guy but you has said it to me… So I guess I was mid 30s & never been loved & didn’t know how to love either… I mean I still don’t think I do it well at all… So yeah I struggle with that emotion or any emotion other than anger.” & his simple reply makes me swoon “You are loved.” I say aww, not knowing what to say & he continues “I know you have always doubted it. And I know I confuse you sometimes. But you were always and still are loved by me. And no one would believe me , and I’m sure anyone that knows you would tell you it’s a load of shit, and I’m just a cheating fuckhead. But I’m 100% sure it’s the reason you have kept me in your life. Because you know I do love you.” Is that true? But I do feel loved…

Because we talk a lot now, more than ever before, more than even affair one, I reckon, that it’s hard to pick out things that I want to write about – stuff that deserves air time, stuff that’s meaningful not just sex talk, I know it’s boring for those still reading but this is my journal that I am posting online so it’s probably going to drag out – looking at what I am writing about, we’re only up to the 6 & 7 of March 2025 at the current time – Fuck & we’re on post number 5 for March… Believe me I am culling information as much as I can!! Hahaha… For example, I was copying at the time & pasting our chats (like a weirdo!) into a word document, 30 pages for 6 March. THIRTY! Plus, there is a phone call or two now & sometimes a face-to-face visit also. Needless to the say there is a lot of information to get down, especially since I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with him & why he’s being weird!

But we’ve recently talked about the other chat app days & how I was pissed off at the end of affair number two when Marvel came back online & didn’t even say hello to me but was chatting in groups, he did it a couple of times, his morning rant includes him finally understanding my side of it “I kinda get the jealously thing, you had unlimited access to groups, I had limited access , if I was online with my limited time , you wanted all my limited time, which obviously I didn’t always do. But I justified it in my head because I messaged you every day, messaged you literally all day, met you multiple times a week, and you were my number one pm. And as much as I loved you, as much as you were my number one, as much as messaged you all day. I like my ego being stroked just as much as my cock. And having a bunch of girls flirting with me, trying to get my attention, even try and mark me as their territory (oh and I know they did, especially the chick that was fuckin cowboy haha!)” I get it cos I loved the guys flirting with me, but I was always sitting there waiting for him, even if I did chat with other guys – which at that time was no one. I think even though I hate bringing up the past, it’s good & more honest than ever before with Marvel that I like chatting about this stuff & getting clarity without blame or regret.

He’s planned to spend the day with me, well it’s not the whole day is it? He will come after 7:00am & will leave around lunchtime but I am excited for the allocated time because he said after the night I had with Origin & he came over the next day & I slept, that he almost blocked me. Whatever dude , you fuck your wife! & I didn’t even fuck Origin that night… Anyway, I’m supposed to pick him up so he can leave his car at work but he messages me & says that he doesn’t need a lift. I am sleepy & don’t understand it, feeling like he’s bailing but he says that he’s just going to drive to mine & wouldn’t cancel like that. Last night he stopped replying around dinner & never came back online so I assumed he was going to bail, he’s not bailed a lot but usually disappears when he needs to bail so he can avoid the conversation rather than being an adult to tell me why he can’t meet. Usually I’ll get a “can’t do today” or something equally as cold, no explanation & no sorry, then he disappears for days, maybe weeks on end, so yes Marvel, you would cancel like that!

I had thought about this drive back to my house from his work a lot though, what little fantasy I could think up. I could pretend to be a student needing driving lessons, but when he says that he can drive himself, I am ok with the fact I don’t have to drive to get him but am also a little disappointed that we won’t have a little fantasy & some sexual tension build up – a little fantasy he didn’t know about & I didn’t know would be hot…Or I was going to make him drive & jerk him off… But anyway, I have my sisters dogs at my house as well as mine so I get up to sort them out, feeding them & getting them all settled again.

When he comes over after we fuck, we lay there cuddling, we fuck again. Half way through the morning, I get up to make us breakfast. I have pre-made crumpet protein bowls & so I heat them up & take them into the bedroom for a bedroom picnic. I am not sold on them but he seems to like it & later he tells me how much he loved me making him breakfast. We both get really hungry when we fuck so I thought we should have something to eat. I did also get bacon & eggs but didn’t want to spend the time I had with him in the kitchen cooking. So I opted for the pre-made protein bowls & just heated them up. I think because he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot, that he loved that I put in that effort. In a stupid thing I do too, I bought him Pepsi Max because he prefers that over Coke no sugar – which is what I drink… I do these things, then feel like a dick cos I want him to have the Pepsi Max but I don’t want him to know that I got it – if that makes sense?!

He does something relatively new today, he spends a lot of time just lightly rubbing my clit, over & over – not in a fuck what is he doing way, but in a what the fuck is he doing, I am going to cum type of way… He does this multiple times throughout our session & I fucking love it, I can’t get enough of it. Later he tells me that he couldn’t get enough of my body reacting, my face & my moans that it made him want to do it more & more… It was so good that I am literally begging him, fucking his hand to make him do it basically as he’s walking out the door! Before he leaves though, I ask him to fuck me hard, which he does & we cum together, something that he still thinks is just fiction & can’t happen in real life. I mean I never knew it could happen, it’s only ever happened with him & only three times that I can recall.

He tells me that he loves what I put on as he was leaving, which was just a t shirt dress, it does hug me in the all the right spots & when I tell him that I am more comfortable around him naked, he says that he wanted to touch me more when I was wearing clothes. I have put on weight so I don’t feel as good about myself but he says that I look like I’ve lost weight. We talk about what would happen if I was with someone & we met up in the future & I tell him it would be just like Carrie & Mr Big when they’re cheating… He says that he would put in a fuck ton of effort to make sure I fucked him, even if I was with someone else… Would he really?! I mean in the past he’s told me that he wants me to be happy & that’s why he backs off, so I don’t know if he would really try at all to fuck me if he had lunch with me & I was with someone.

There is one thing that has always been in his mind about me & sex. That I need kink & that he isn’t kinky enough for me. He says that we had no kink at all today – not even a spank & I reacted in a way he hasn’t felt before & I was wet just from his light touches, that I say it’s in his head about the kink, not mine. He replies “Guess it was one thing I was wrong about you 🤷‍♂️” Errr ya think!! I tell him that I enjoy it & I explored kink but I didn’t need it. I tell him that trust & connection, two things we have is what I want, “Someone who knows my body & how to use it. Someone who gets me mentally when I am being overly sensitive about some dick thing they said…” He says that the way I reacted proves any doubt he had. FINALLY!!!

We talk about fisting & rimming, two things I want to try with him, I’m always so conscious of him near my ass but I want to ty doing it to him, I know his wife has done it to him & he didn’t reciprocate to her – he would have fucking rubbed it in my face if he did, just as he rubbed it in my face that she did it to him – once – & he loved it, so that’s how I know he hasn’t done it to her, but I want to explore that with him, I’ve never done it to anyone & I reckon after a bath or shower together, it could be incredibly sexy. But he says that he has some physical condition that makes him scared to do it, I probe him on what & he says that cos he’s had a physical job & he’s in his 40’s but kept dancing around the subject, I honestly have no clue what it could be so when he says haemorrhoids, I’m like fuck I’ve had them before hahaha, usually when on some high protein diet that backs you up! Hahaha…

But all in all, he get s a few things today, he gets that I don’t need kink – I enjoy it but do not need it, finally getting that though his thick head & also that I made him feel special by cooking breakfast & having Pepsi Max for him, he thinks it’s really cute & he says I didn’t need to do it, but it’s my love language, the acts of service but then I feel self conscious about it but he says I don’t need to because he fucking loves it. As he signs off that night, having had a nap & coming back online to talk to me late into the night, he says “I’m trying my hardest here to not say I love you. Especially all the Cute nice things you did for me today.” I tell him I am holding back too, he says “So let’s not make this a habit? But I love you and goodnight x” I say it back because I do love him, I don’t want it to be a ‘habit’ or something you just say as you hang up the phone, but I do want to say it everyday, it was my biggest regret of affair one – but he seemingly doesn’t feel the same way… I guess (or overanalyse maybe) that it’s a habit with his wife & he doesn’t want it to be that way with me.

#IBD4U

March 2025 #4

Around this time, we start a snap streak, I don’t think it’ll last long & won’t be long before he logs off for days anyway, but I get sucked in so easily. What a fucking wanker! We start sending boring shit like our food – one of our main topics which has always been the case. We send pictures everyday more & more, it’s not just sexy pics, it’s all sorts of crap. Plus he’s also looking at every story I post too, usually replying to them.

When he offers up lunch at my work, this is new. He’s coming to my work for lunch… I just assume that we’ll go fuck in the car, but he says that he just wants lunch, no sex… UM, what?! No sex? I don’t know how that will go, I guess we will see if that happens, but then he asks me a weird question “Why are you so scared of me pulling away again?” Of course I say because he’s done it before & that it is always a real possibility, but he says “Ive only ever officially pulled away from you once. Due to circumstances. And never done it again. What makes you think I would ever do it again ?” Can I relax & believe him that this is true?

He asks me ”How much did you miss this?” & I honestly answer, “There’s not even a way to quantify how much I missed you…“ I don’t want to admit this to him, but I figure that it’s now or never, I don’t ever hold back in other parts of my life, why do I always hold back in my love life & especially with him? Maybe things would be the same, maybe it will make things different, but do you know what, nothing will change if I keep holding back… “You should of said something dipshit. I’m not that cold hearted” How could I have told him? He said so many times not to get attached, that I couldn’t ever say anything to him about my feelings for fear of being shut down. I don’t agree with him at all that he would have opened up this dialogue if I had of initiated it, he would have shut it down, I’m a certain of that but he says that he wanted this too… I believe he wanted it but I think if I have of said something, he 100% would have backed off.

He also asks what my plan was if I met someone, what I would say to him. “But my plan was… I didn’t have a plan tbh… But I knew I would keep fucking you until we had the exclusive chat for sure… Cos why end it with you until I know he is not fucking other people right… But I don’t know… I guess it would’ve depended in the level of feelings I got for them…” I mean I don’t know what I would have done, I never even got close enough to someone anyway so I never thought about it. The things he thinks about, puzzle me “Haha I always wondered if you would cheat for me, I highly doubt you would, but would entertain the idea of it , and if you hadn’t cut me completely, tease me with the idea of it. And just avoid actually meeting up.” I always thought if I told him I was seeing someone – even just for a date he would cut me but he says “I would of left that to you haha. I would never cut you ….I’ve tried … But at this point, or even in the last few years. I would of left it entirely to you to make that decision”

To my surprise, he does come down to my work & meets me. Because this is a first non sexless – dare I say it – date?! He’s walking around the shopping centre near my work when I find him, I am shaking as I walk up to him & giving him a light peck right away. I don’t know if we should hold hands as we walk to Hungry Jacks but we don’t, he does lightly put his hand on my back a few times & pulls me close but we separate quickly. We both order separately, I don’t know if I should wait for him to pay but I just buy my own lunch, but I’m so nervous, I buy a fucking burger without cheese. So odd how fucking turned on I am without even really touching him. We hugged a little & kiss while waiting for the food, but given the conversations & the break down of the walls, it felt like we held back, if I’m honest. I am still not sure if this is real! What the fuck is going on here, we’re now doing sexless dates?

We eat looking at each other in the eyes, something both of us admit that we never do with other people, & we touch each others legs or arms briefly. While I have butterflies with him, I feel more at ease that I ever have on a date, it feels like this is something we do all the time, it feels so natural. We walk back to my work, holding hands, to his car where he pushed me up against it & kisses me so hard that I can feel his cock against me. We kiss & chat, turning each other on. While standing in broad daylight near a major main road, he slips his finger inside me, I want it there so badly, but I want it to do more than just slide in me. He takes his finger & sucks my juices off of it… I cannot fucking stand. Jesus!!! Then he moves me so I am facing work, he pats me on the ass & says “get back to work”, he chuckles & he moves us so I have to start walking & he gets in his car… You fucking Prick! I never agreed to a sexless sate with crazy tension like this, especially since I have no idea when we are going to see each other again.

Later that day he says that he’ll tell me a song – I’m excited to finaly get a song from him because he made such a big deal about lyrics hitting hard & all that bullshit. I gave him an amazing song where the lyrics really hit for me, but when he tells me that My Medication by Papa Roach is the song – um what dude, I knew that one. I mean I can’t remember him specifically telling me that one but I feel jipped because that was an obvious one. I don’t think I’ve ever shared it before, I can’t find it on the blog, so maybe he didn’t tell me this was a song for me, but I figured this one because it was also a song I felt relevant for me, I’ve always said he’s like a drug that I can’t escape.

My Medication – Papa Roach

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Have you ever had enough of it
Straight over it, sick of it, can’t get ahold of it
Like a drug I need another fix
I’m a moth to a flame and I’ll burn for the hell of it
Battle scar ’cause I lost the fight
Every time I take a breath it’s like I’m losing my life
Fuck it, why am I so dysfunctional?
So irrational?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Are you living with the enemy?
Are you affected by the devils that are tryna be a friend of me?
I’m in a place that I don’t wanna be
But if I find a way to turn it all around would you follow me?
I’m alive but I lost the fight
It’s like the better half of me is on the edge of the knife
Cut it
Why am I so emotional?
Uncontrollable?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication
My medication

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

My Medication lyrics © So Many Names Music, Meat Locker Publishing, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Kobalt Music Services America Ii Inc Kmsa Ii, Meat Locker 2017 Publishing

All night I complain about how wet I was at lunch, just from sitting opposite him & how he stuck his finger in, licked in &  just patted me on the ass sending me on my way & he cums when he gets home but he tells me I can’t cum till Sunday when he’s planned to fake a shift & come over. The next morning, I stick my fingers inside me & send him a picture of how wet it is, that he calls me for a chat on the phone. It’s the first time we’ve had a phone call with each other, that we both say how much sexier our voices are over the phone than we thought they would be. Why had we never spoken on the phone before?!

Because we talk about the Papa Roach concert he says that I should have told him about it, even though our communication hadn’t been great over the last few years he was a little pissed that I didn’t tell him that I went because he said that it could have been something likely that he would have been at & he felt like that was important. First, if I had of told him, it would have 90% just sat at unread until he decided to come back online & so I would’ve felt like a fool for saying anything, but second it’s a big event  so chances of seeing him were slim – even though I did put in effort on my looks that night. I tell him that I was in the mosh pit & in the circle of death & he says “My wife has no sense of adventure and wouldn’t go near the mosh pit so we probably wouldn’t of crossed paths anyway” so why does he care? He says that he’s smug that I went to see a band that he loves, I mean I always knew who they were before him, everyone knows Last Resort from 1999, I knew a few songs since then but not like I do – yes I admit – because of him. I eventually say that I didn’t tell him about the concert because I was also afraid that he would cut me out of his life, he replies “I never planned on cutting you out and not sure anything would tip me over. I was waiting for you to cut me out?” I just say that he would blame me for his wife finding out or seeing me, he’ll deny this but I know for a fact he’ll blame be for anything that happens that involves her finding out, but he says something I agree with that I know he should say but I am not at all convinced he will actually do “I’m a dick sometimes , I know it, my anger blames you, but I’m man enough to admit I’m in the wrong, I’m the cheater, I make the final decision if I fuck you and to be honest I should never blame you. Why would I have a reason to cut you out ? I’m not the single one on the dating scene? I’m not the one that needs tto end to pursue the possibility of someone else giving you something you can’t have (and let’s be honest probally would fuckin die for). You had more reason to cut me out than I had to cut you out. I even purposely pushed you away to give you a reason , to make it easier when you needed too, to cut me out. And I may of ignored your messages, intentionally not make time for you , but at the end of the day, you always got a message once a week or two at Max, and I had to message you to get a reply. So even putting no effort it, I was still putting some effort to keep you in my life.”

Then I get a message that is a little Marvel rant – something unprecedented in this affair, but stuff I lap up like a puppy drinking milk, “OK storytime. I never told you I don’t think, I fell hard for you very quickly. I had feelings for you before we met. I stupidly fell in love, and although I had developed friendships online via the chat app and anonymous app, I had never wanted to risk seeing someone in real life, even the risk of being seen eating lunch with them, let alone going to their house and fucking them. I fell for you hard core within the first month. Nor had I developed feelings, well not in the same way I did for you. We had that stupid agreement, and our stupid sexual banter and your sexy online personality . You became my best friend without meeting me, and without even knowing, and I never told you early on. I didn’t want to look like a complete loser to you haha! And it was made even worse when it did translate to real life. Because everyone has an online personality , everyone is usually themselves , but with the volume slightly turned up, has a little more confidence, and their is less anxiety in text or online. I’m sure some people fake it. But I’m an honest personal , brutally fucking honest sometimes. Our first meeting despite both us being nervous was pretty easy going. Our first time fucking was pretty fuckin epic and very little umm what’s the word. Awkwardness.” I knew he had feelings early on but I didn’t realise it was before we met, I knew I liked him but I never let myself believe that we would be anything as he was in a relationship, when he ass “I had feelings for you before we met…before you did anything my wife doesn’t do.” He does talk about how he almost blocked me the day he first took the day off to be with me & Original & I had a weed muffin, I never fucked Origin that night, but the next day Marvel spent the day & I was so sleepy, but you know what, he felt like a fool once. ONCE, in the whole time we’ve been together & I felt like a fool over & over again – almost daily when he logs off & leaves me on read, so you know what, too bad mate, you made me feel like I didn’t matter over & over so if I made you feel like that once, then so be it. I can live with that!

Finally I get a song from Marvel, songs are our thing, lyrics hit home for both of us, so I know that songs will tell me what he can’t say to my face. He says to “And I feel weird about it , but itt always reminded me of you especially when I missed you and things kinda fell apart. And it’s not a love song, and it’s a papa roach song lol. And it’s more the metaphor than anything” He says that it’s Feel like home which came out in early 2019, the year we started affair two & the year he got married & a song I know I always wondered when I listed to it if he thought about the fact that the house he’s in doesn’t feel like home. He says “And it’s not like I think your house is mine. Or anything like that. It’s more I felt like “home” when every time I was with you. Metaphorically speaking. And I hated that feeling when it didn’t feel like that. Anymore. So every time I heard that song, especially when it came out. I fucking thought of you. If that makes any sense to you. Kinda hard to explain”  I get it more than I can explain to him…

Here it is for you to listen too & the lyrics as always to read – make sure you read them if you don’t listen because they are always very relevant.

Feel like Home – Papa Roach

It’s been a while since we crossed paths
I thought I saw you in an hourglass
I’m not sure where the time has gone
But I know it’s been too long
We used to say we’d never change
Now we’re trying not to show our age
I know you said you needed space
So you moved all the furniture around this place

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

It’s getting dark at sunset park
I see the marks on your broken heart
I’m trying not to let it get to me
But it’s hard with all our history
Leaving town while the city sleeps
You know, I always had bigger dreams
I keep looking in the rearview mirror
Even though I wasn’t happy here

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

And now I’m running to you, trying to find myself
But I don’t even know where to start
I guess that time has a way of keeping nothing the same
‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Feel like home

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

Feel Like Home lyrics © So Many Names Music, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Red Beard Black Ink Publishing, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

#IBD4U

March 2025 #3

Something weird worth noting, as you all know my Facebook was hacked over a year ago & Facebook deleted it, removing my access to the blog page & my little hobby business page. So traffic to my blog is very minimal, I write randomly & have posted some things but it’s really just for me at this point. To continue my story, hoping that one day I will find my happy middle (I’ve said before, I don’t want a happy ending, I want the middle.) But I start getting emails, that I wish I screenshotted saying ‘#IBD4U, your stats are booming!‘. Now let me preface this by saying, I can get these emails after posting, even though I don’t have my Facebook audience, but at this time in early March 2025, I am not posting. In fact, at this time, the last post was 23 June 2024. So while the last few days since I saw Marvel & him messaging all day long, from 4:30am to 10:30 -11:00pm, having a break for when his wife is home, is just weird, that I have had many theories as to why he’s doing this, is he dying? Is their marriage on the rocks? Does he have to have surgery & just wants to make sure I know how he feels in case something happens? Or did he listen to the new Papa Roach song that just released in Feb & decided it was time. But the most farfetched & my most feared reason is that he’s found my blog.

Here’s the Papa Roach song – Even if it kills me

Even If It Kills Me lyrics:

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away (oh)

Is this a warning? Is this a sign?
Should I keep my mouth shut, let you live a lie?
‘Cause every day, it’s a dog fight
I can see it pilin’ up like a mile high

‘Cause I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

Is this the moment? Is this the time?
Are you gonna wake up, gonna realize
Your world is burning? A thousand signs
But you’re choking on the smoke from the other side

And I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
(Warning)

I won’t run, I won’t hide
Standing in the fire, I’m alive
I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leaving you behind

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leavin’ you behind

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Andrew Goldstein / Tobin Esperance / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk

Even If It Kills Me lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Frndzone Music, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

When I ask a few days later if he’s listened to it & say how much I relate to it, he says that he watches the lyric video & asks “Do you relate to it because no matter how much it kills you, you put up with everything from or our an entire situation” –  well that isn’t the reason then, cross that off my list… So it’s either dying or he’s found my blog because he would’ve said if they broke up or were breaking up by now.

I obviously can’t see who is reading the blog, only numbers of visitors, but I can see that there has been several readers at different times & from different countries – could it be him? I think it is him because he is being weird & freaking me out while my stats are booming… But contradictory to that, I am also convinced that it can’t be my blog because fuck if he’s found it & read it, he is going to fucking hate me! There is stuff in there he obviously doesn’t know, there is stuff in there when I was feeling shit that I wrote but probably didn’t really mean. In all honestly, I paint him in a pretty good light throughout all three affairs, however, if it was me reading fucking intimate details about my sex life online that I never knew about, I would be so angry… So if he found it, he’ll hate me surely, so it can’t be that…

6 days into this weird dynamic with Marvel, I tell my sister that he just told me he loved me & to get ready for a downward spiral, she tells me to be careful & hopes that he isn’t using me – just as I do too, but I tell her then that I think he’s found my blog. How would he have found it? I have no idea, it’s not active, so activity couldn’t have been the reason. I mean, I have thought over the years that he had found it or he already knew about it, but he never said anything.

Anyway, we are always honest, so this level of honesty I am getting now makes me suspicious of what is going through his brain… “Sometimes I would think of you and not message you. I intentionally wanted to create distance, not make you think about me , fucking make you not as love me much, avoid me in your life so you can date and shit. And not worry about me , making me happy , and if you were to stop everything, in my mind it would of been easier if we were shit friends. And just assumed you would literally fuck me for 6 months before I was given the the message , Hey Marvel , I’ve meet someone. To make it easier for me when it did happen. Which oddly. Has not yet. But I’ll admit, I was a shit friend and gave you very little of my time. And never messaged you enough. Especially for someone that gives me anything I want sexually” So he’s no longer going to be a dick to me?! I mean let’s be honest, this era of being open is not going to last long, he will pull back just as I get invested & let my guard down, just you wait & see. It’s always on his terms, when I get used to how things are, that’s then he pulls back, I get angry & he pulls back even more. It’s the way it’s been always. He did it just before his daughter was born & he did it before he got married, blaming me for waiting too much of him. No mate, I just wanted what you were giving me in the start… I wonder how long this new found ‘missing me’ will last?! I give it three weeks, MAX! What do you think? & even if it does go longer than three weeks, Marvel will think it was only three weeks anyway, as he always plays down how long our affairs were when they end.

He tells me that he always listened even if I felt like he didn’t & he supported me when I lost my job last year “And was secretly proud you took on your property agent, challenged them, started learning the shit so you could do it yourself. You are peobally surprised how much venting you squeezed into those 15 to 30 minutes after sex talk. I’m sure I didn’t hear every tiny detail. But again I saw how much stress it caused you” I don’t know if I told you this but  my property manager had ripped me off so much Monday by getting tradies to go out for a loose cupboard door, that I ended up taking them to court. We settled out of court & I didn’t get as much as I thought I should have gotten & I didn’t get an explanation. I never realised that Marvel was paying attention to that.

We chat so much that it’s hard to summarise days of all day chats, I read things & I can’t believe this guy is finally revealing this stuff to me. “Part of the reason I avoided talking to you was not only self preservation for me, but it was for you to live you life without judgement from me , to date without my influence or even hook up, explore your sexuality more. And let’s be honest , I always put you down the second I got jealous, or punished you by either being a complete cunt to you, or even just ignoring you knowing it would piss you off if you did share something that made me jealous, or inferior for you. It was never that you were not worthy of time , or that I didn’t think of you . I thought I was doing the right thing for me, and it was the best thing for you due to our situation. But at what point do I give up? And what point do I stop fighting it ? I’m not sure how honest you are about fucking other men , or dating people” At least that he admits to being an ass to me about my hobbies or whatever.

“So that means I still meant something to you and still do. And it also means you meant something to me and still do. And it boils down to you being one of my best friends ever. And there is no point fighting it anymore on my side. Nor do I want to risk losing that from you anymore , and I justified it by thinking , if I’m not your friend , close friend, it will help you date others and move on , even fall in love with someone else” He isn’t going to fight it anymore, this scares me more than anything. I say, “The only thing that scares me now… Is you pulling away again… I know what I am in for. I’ve known for years. I’ve never asked for more. I’ve never expected more… So just accept the fact you can’t get rid of me…” But he says “I don’t plan on getting rid of you , I’ve kept you this long? Somehow you convince me to fuck you.” He’s deluded if he thinks I am convincing him, he could log off & go offline & forget me.  But there’s a reason why he doesn’t let me go “Haha you know I don’t have sex with my wife the same way I do with you. Not even close. Not even on the same level playing field. She doesn’t get anywhere near anything you get” I really don’t want to think about that, because if you met your sexual match, why would you want to marry another person?! Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025 #2

Side note: Because of how weird things that become, I start writing again – as a journal, not as a blog. I didn’t even know if I would post this story line or not because I had no idea where it was going or what was even happening but because I don’t have the audience I once had when I still had control over the #IBD4U Facebook page… I write in real time as way to understand what is happening & this is the closest to real time that I have ever posted – that I remember, especially about Marvel. But moving forward the blog posts will start being dated, which will be the day/month I wrote it, sometimes coming back the next day or two to finish off, but the posts have been written almost immediately after it happened so there is probably more detail than you’re used too. I’ll try not to be too boring.

After I admit that I love him still & he admits that he loves me too, he says “I have missed you so much, missed our chats and missed are close friendship, missed us being super honest with each other , and have hated holding things back, waiting until to we meet up with for a chat , but that chat has always proved we are friends, if you were down you always told me after we had just fucked, and you also listened to me about random rumblings about me and page and whatever other random subjects came up during our after dinner mint sex talk” Is he dying? What the fuck is going on here?! I say that he must have some things to get of his chest but he says “Not sure I had anything to get off my chest…I just wanted to restart proper dialogue back up because I had been too stubborn for too long,” Um… What?

I won’t post the whole conversations as always, just some highlights but fuck if you did read it all, you’d be wigging out too, what the fuck is he doing? Why is he changing the dynamic now after 5 years of FWB – without the F part, really, monthly catch ups & sporadic messaging, he’ll maybe send one or two messages sometimes one word maybe two & I would work my hardest to make sure I kept the conversation going & now, in an instant he wants to restart a proper dialogue? WHHHHHYYYYY? What the fuck is happening here?!

“But despite being a dick in the past to you, the honesty you have had with me, and the honesty I have with you, sometimes fucking brutal honesty, your over sharing, the way you treat me when I do open up, and trust me I am hard nut to open up, especially when comes down to what makes me tick, I close that out to the world, including my friends I make at work often, my wife , or anyone I meet in life except my siblings basically. I fucking value that honesty so much. Hell it’s one of the reasons I fucking love you. And I hate using that word around you” Yeah this is fucking cazy, but we talk all day about things like his wife & Ozempic, about how good he thinks I look now, that I had put on weight but he can see dramatic improvements, though he was happy when I put on weight because it meant that I was eating.

It’s also around this time that he looks at every snapchat story I post. I’m not gonna lie but the last 3 years we’ve been using this platform, I post some stories with him in mind, wanting him to see them. But he’s not online enough to look at half the shit I posted & when he did come online, he wouldn’t always look at them. So he starts looking at them & replying to a lot of them too, usually they’re food related so he’ll just say something like yum or where’s mine etc.

He asks what I’m doing next Sunday, because he’ll fake a shift on the whiteboard & come see me instead. Ok honestly, what the fuck is going on here! He’s already planned 7-12 if I am free… 5 hours?! Fuck, he must be dying. He tells me that I should be dick meat & he changes my name to Vagina meat. I tell him that he’s actually in my snapchat now as his initials, something I start calling him  He does a ‘pop quiz’ asking me what his fav colour is, which I guess as Blue . I guess his fav food as Ribs & lasagne, I guess Pepsi Max as his fav soft drink but get the bourbon wrong, saying I don’t think he would drink it but Wild Turkey is his favourite. I get his fav bands right, but he tells me about Falling in Reverse, a new favourite band – which I fucking listen to right away & learn some songs that I like, I don’t get the movies right as it’s Men in Black, but I suggested Rocky being his love of wrestling, I guess Rick & Morty as his TV show but he says the Walking Dead would be his fav. His favourite ice-cream is Boysenberry & his favourite season is Winter. He says that I only got them right because I looked at the old screenshots – yeah mate, like I am just sitting here reading our old chats over & over again! How would I even find the exact messages that we talk about this stuff in the past?! & I don’t remember talking about this stuff with him anyway. Most of the stuff is on a hard drive not connected to my computer or phone, so I don’t even look at the old stuff semi regularly. I do however following this conversation, write a note in my phone so I don’t forget these important favourites!

The next day I get a morning rant, the first of many I get over the next few months where he wakes up & spills his guts around 4:30am when he gets up, he says that he was planning being bed early last night but I kept him up & he says “Oh yeah since losing weight I don’t need as much sleep” – Remember this for later!!! He says a lot of stuff during this rant, including sharing the Falling in Reverse songs – All my life & Popular Monster plus a Papa Roach song they covered. I’ll attach the YouTube videos & the lyrics for Popular Monster.

Popular Monster lyrics:

Yeah

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah

I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day
And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular monster

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take
But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage
Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay

Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing
And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified

I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular fucking monster

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We’re sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a god that you don’t believe
We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is
Oh, where the fuck is your god now?

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m not a popular, popular monster

I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Ronnie Radke / Tyler Smyth / James Cody Quistad

Popular Monster lyrics © Ronnie Radke Music

I add the Popular Monster lyrics because while all three songs are very relevant to our situation & perhaps how he feels in his life, Popular Monster resonates with me the most – is he the rat trapped in the maze searching for a way out? Or am I just overthinking & he just likes the beat? Nah, one of the things we have in common is our love of music & the way lyrics speak to us… There is some deeper meaning here for him, maybe it’s why he’s being a weirdo! He even says at one point during this conversation “so I probally relate to some of the lyrics a bit more than a normal person.”

I ask him what songs he thinks of me with & I’m thinking a lovey type song but he says Butterfly by Crazy Town & Mouth by Merril Bainbridge, it’s because it reminds him of sex with me… I don’t mind that, but I will admit that I was hoping for more of a lovey song – the one I have for him is next level lovey.

There are other songs he won’t tell me “I’m pretty good at regulating my feelings….and err emotions, that includes everything especially my empathy…but there is something about music and lyrics that can just fuck with your brain, either help you realize it, magnify something or just simply help see things properly, and for me that is me at my most vulnerable” but I decide to share mine for him – a song that reminded me over & over again that I literally feel like was written for me to him… Never Not Love You by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Never Not Love You Lyrics:

You changed, you changed my life for good
I fell, but it felt more like flying
We did, did everything we could
But sometimes love loses to timing

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

You said goodbye to stop the pain
So why does it feel like we’re dying?
We said we’d always be the same
Who knew, who knew that we were lying

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

I’ll never not love you
If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not love you
I’ll never not love you
It was the end but my love, what a beautiful lie

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jared Leto / Ammar Malik / Jordan Johnson / Stefan Johnson / Marcus Durand Lomax / Michael Pollack / German I

Never Not Love You lyrics © Bmg Platinum Songs Us, Songs With A Pure Tone, R8d Music, Songs Of Bbmg, What Key Do You Want It In Music, Black River Streams

When he listens he says “I haven’t heard that one before but man, that is deep… #IBD4U you are meant to have a heart of stone….” Yeah I was supposed to have a heart of stone, I always did but he broke down that wall & he’s breaking it down more than I want to allow but I can’t help how caught up in this I am getting already… I tell him it’s old from 2023 which he says isn’t that long ago. He says “Fuck you shit me off. I treat you like shit for ages, give you a tiny tiny sliver of friendship and some decent sex , broke your heart way too many times. Even in 2023. And you still love me to some extent like a fucking knob. And probably the worse thing is. You see straight through me. And know my feelings for you never went away. Making me a bigger knob. So fuck you 😛.Where is my heart of stone cold bitch that uses me for sex?” I reply “Breaking someone’s heart doesn’t mean it breaks the love…” If only I knew how to break the love…

He says “Oh you know the worse thing? Somehow we still fucking got it?  Somehow we can still flirt freely , have fucking banter , tell other anything, from pointless meaningless shit to meaningless shit. Ans just resume a chat that has not happened in years like nothing has happened. And it all just works? Wtf” I agree Marvel, I agree… How have I let you just back into my DM’s so easily, when I know this is short term. He tells me I am addicted to him again & fuck you Marvel, but it’s so easy to chat to him, how the fuck is Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U