Category: Online Dating

16 March 2025 – Tease

I create another countdown for our ‘anniversary’ which he says is lame but then he says out of the blue “I do love you.” To which I say it back because for 8 years with our upcoming anniversary, I do love him still & always.  He says, “I honestly do … And I know you do. It’s why after 8 years despite everything. We are still in each other’s lives. I still think you are a dumb cunt and should of pushed me away. And the only reason we are here is because of you.” Errr wow… He says that I was the one the kept it going – I mean when he came online eventually, yes I did work hard to get him to keep seeing me… Sometimes it was just to see if he would after marrying her, but then it grew to me using him for sex while I dated other fuckwits, then I stopped seeing other people because they are all fucking idiots, being over two years since I last fucked another guy & over 6 months since I went on an actual date which was a walk on the beach.

We get into another special/not special fight & he says that I don’t get it because I just say to him that he had a wife. Yeah, you’re right, I won’t get it. He made things up in his head that things were special, I never said they were special. I never said that sex was special for me, except the fact that this dude gives me the best sex I’ve ever had & the fact that we’ve made love – but not in some lame way, in a #IBD4U/Phoenix way. I try to difuse the subject & offer to give him a hug & scratch his head which he loves & looks like he’s going to purr when I do it, I say “Do you want to hear something absolutely ridiculous that if it doesn’t make you vomit or realise that I’m a loser & also fucking love you so much, I will just end it all now….!! 🤣” He asks what, so I try to explain, you might have to read this twice… “So I was thinking about our initials…. We both have a K. We have a M&N which are next to each other & in the middle next to the K in the alphabet. We have a C&W which are at the start & end of the alphabet. #Lame.” OMG I actually don’t even know how he thinks I am the smartest person he knows! Hahaha. He agrees that’s lame & he had to read it a couple of times to get it, but then says “I have not a single doubt that you love me.” This is the stupid shit I think up! “Or I’m special to you as a friend , online and off-line. I just don’t feel special to you as. Sexually.” I will never understand his point of view on this. I try to explain that when his wife found out & he whittled my first love down to a toothpick, something that was so special for me, that it hurt me, so if he has something made up in his head that was special sexually, then we’re even! But he says that lying to her didn’t make it less special. Well it did for me – because the only person he told about it, he lied about it to!!

When we talk about how he realised that the blog was me, it was because the most recent post at the time Trainer, I didn’t tell him I was fired because of that dude – well I don’t know if he was the reason I was fired, so I just omitted the fact he came over for a drink. Nothing happened with him anyway so what was there to tell? We had some flirty banter in the workplace & that was it. He came over, was a fuckhead & he quit & left. I say that I wasn’t suicidal but I don’t know what I would have done if I lost Phoenix too, but he says “Fun fact… I haven’t thought about ending it once this time. I was just waiting for you to end it.” Well that was never going to happen from my perspective, he continues “It’s something that really bothered me. You not having sex with me , and not seeing me due to a relationship. Bothered me. Especially when it came down to mainly sex.” He says something about us having had sex weekly since this V2.0 started, saying that he wasn’t intending to have sex with me more but he wanted to restore the friendship & see me more without sex, not wanting to be just sex to me. He says “And I already miss you soooo fuckin much when I’m not chatting to you. I hate that feeling.” Awww, how cute. “I didn’t think I would get so addicted to you so quick. I didn’t think I would do like a 80km round trip to see you …” Fuck… “I have meant every thing I said. I love you too #IBD4U. Good night x”

So one of the things I think I love most about the Phoenix morning rants, is that they start at like 4:30am sometimes earlier, they go on for a while with each message he sends & they are so scattered that I get answers to things that we spoke about yesterday or even the day before, I don’t think he scrolls our chats like I do sometimes but it’s like he remembers me asking something or us talking about something & he replies properly in his ranty morning messages. “So I know you hold it against me, I know you got jealous , and I know you knew I was on the anon app looking for people to chat and have even joined new apps too. You are still bringing it now that it annoys you , asking me why having my wife and you isn’t enough. I can assure it was, is , and always enough, infact sometimes it’s too much. It’s not as easy as people think to have an affair, and I’m not talking about chatting to random people on the net, or sleeping with them once or twice. Which is what most partnered men do. When you develop feelings for that person it is extremely hard, I found it extremely hard, it was worth it, but hard. I never want to do that again. Also if you are wondering why most partnered men go weird or pull back after sleeping with you a few times or once, that would be reason, I can assure it is really fucking hard, you need to juggle your feelings with a person you are falling for, someone you are attracted too and want to fuck, at the same time lying to a partner that you also love, and maintaining appearances to them. While at the same time putting that person first, but missing your mistress and wanting to chat to her, see her and fuck her. So any time you saw me looking to chat to people online post first affair, including to this very day, it’s because it’s simply that, I’m just looking for someone to chat to, I never want to have an affair again. It’s already too much this time …. Like I said I missed you yesterday and found it really hard. But I was never looking for a full blown affair, I was never going to meet anyone and never planned on having sex with someone. Somehow you pulled me in, and even worse, I was dying to fuck you haha. I wanted to sleep with you before I met you, I wanted to sleep with you after we met , I wanted to do it within weeks of chatting to you. And I had been chatting with women through my entire relationship with my wife, and even had offers, multiple , and close friendships too. Once you gave me the green light you would sleep with me, we were fuckin doomed, because I started plotting how I was going to do it. And just like you do, I make decisions in life based on having the ability to cheat, I intentionly got an android incase I would see you h future (despite knowing you could end it at any time if you had another relationship), I intentionally picked a part time job so I was available a little more…to be able to see you. So yeah. There is your rant. Also back to coconuts. I going to guess you don’t like them ? I’m weird with coconuts, I don’t like fresh coconuts, don’t like their milk or juice or yoghurt. But I love cherry ripe, love coconut rough, enjoy laminations, Anzac cookies, etc where anything coconut is a secondary flavour. But you won’t see me chugging on some coconut water. Coconuts! Ps you are now #IBD4U” (remember he had me in snapchat as Vagina Meat! & now he’s has me as my initials.)

I fucking love his little rants, I reply “Hehehe you are so adorable. I would hug you right now if I could… I know it’s not easy cheating. It’s not fucking easy being a mistress either. Especially with someone who twists my words… I know you say cunt things to me to push me away – just like the first line of My Medication. I get it but my perspective is still & always will be that I was never enough if you’re still looking for chats – when I was here all along desperate to chat to you…. You know basically now how hard things were for me after reading our story. And seeing details you were never meant to know, not just about other men but how I felt & how upset I was, what I held back…. Coconuts was like days ago, wasn’t it…. Hahaha…. I don’t like dessicated coconut cos it gets in the wire behind my teeth & I can’t get it out even with brushing….” Fuck our conversations are so hilarious & scattered…

He mentions that I could meet him at work on his break, but he only gets 30 minutes though he never knows when it’s going to be as they just go when its not busy & sometimes he gets the first break & sometimes he gets the last break. We both only get 30 minutes so it makes our lunch breaks difficult to use for sex or even just a sexless date, because I don’t want to leave! He says that he’ll probably be going about 9:30am, it’s 9:00am now. It’s a 19 minute drive, so I don’t like to admit it I am in my car heading down to his work, thinking if it doesn’t happen, I have to go to the shops anyway so I’ll just do that instead, so I don’t feel like an idiot for getting in my car so fucking quickly before he’s even confirmed! I get to his work for the first time this affair & park next to his car I tell him where I am & that no doubt he’ll make me move, which he does tell me to go park by the chemist, why the fuck I do what I’m told but I do.

He gets in the car & kisses me hello, he tells me to move near his car but I don’t, I think where we are is fine, I am not driving all around the carpark when he basically only has like 25 minutes to hang out with me. How easy the conversation flows, this is the first time we’ve seen each other since he told me he found my blog a few days ago, but that doesn’t make it weird. We sit chatting about shit & when he realises I am wearing no panties, he fingers me until I cum so I suck his dick for a few seconds but we don’t have sex. Later he says that he’s surprised we didn’t have sex… Well I mean did sexual things, so does that count? We talk about the blog right before he has to go & sort of have a disagreement that pisses me off & he then says he has to go & jumps out the car. I say to him “And for the record because you really pissed me off & then jumped out the car leaning on that shit note… So think what you want about not being special sexually… You are literally the most significant, important person in my life, have been since I met you. What I did before you, doesn’t count & what I did after you, was always a futile attempt to replace you. We will say nothing more about the blog. I’m done with it. Acrually the only thing I want to know about it is… Do you think I’m a good writer?” & he tells me that I am a really good writer which makes me smile.

Have you ever had a partner send you a meme that reminds them of you? I hear about couples being tagged in memes & Tik Toks all the time, for obvious single reasons I’ve never had that, I don’t recall Phoenix ever sending me a meme before but he sends me one (I’ve made my meme heart today!) & regardless of what it says, I am giddy with glee that he saw something & thought of me. I love the tiny gesture, that he will never understand is what’s special to me…

He says that because he was a little over his break time already, he didn’t get to wash his hands so he could smell my cum on his fingers all afternoon. Because he made me cum but then annoyed me & ran away, I am horny, having a fight with him always makes me horny, I have had a couple of wines at my sisters so I start sending him very sexy suggestive pics. Not unlike me with him to send pics, but I haven’t really sent him pics in a long time! He says that this is a new mood, me being Miss Cranky Pants, so I say “You teased me (yes I came!), I was happy then you piss me off so now I send you pics & piss you off….” He says that this isn’t a punishment! It probably isn’t but I am in a teasing mood! I send him about 10 naked pics including a video of me cumming, then because it’s later in the evening, I just say good night & log off without looking at his replies… Fuck him!

#IBD4U

15 March 2025 – Do you hate me?

No matter what I say now, he’s read what he’s read & he’s drawn his own conclusions that he is not special sexually to me. I was never special sexually to him, he had a wife the whole time, who went all kinky for him when she found out about me. He did my number one fantasy with her, no thought of how I would feel when he told me about it in great detail, so the fact he’s annoyed at me for having a sex life that I didn’t rub in his face, is just fucking stupid, which is what I tell him, ”If that’s how you read it, then you’re a fucking dick head…” I knew he would hate me, but I figured that he would just stop talking to me when he’d read it. “Haha how else did you think I would read it? You think I wouldn’t go all “Phoenix” on you. Who gives a fuck. You now have me back in your life and I’m going to try harder with you and trying to be a bit nicer and not as much of cunt. And clearly I haven’t held it against you too much. At the end of the day, I knew who I was fucking and knew you were not some in experienced Virgin.🤷‍♂️ I’m going offline for a bit but will try and chat later x. I’m not being a dick or fighting with you btw.” Of course he has to go offline, right when we are getting into a heated discussion. Fuck you!

When he finally comes back he doesn’t get why I think he’d hate me, because he says it doesn’t identify him, it doesn’t paint him in a bad light & most of it is good. He says he wouldn’t recommend me showing him, but he doesn’t hate it or me, it just made him miss what we had. He says that pretty much anything bad in the blog I say about him I had told him to his face or via text anyway… At least it explains all the screenshots that I take! Hahaha.

The next morning, I get my little Phoenix rant, which always makes me smile from ear to ear, “I regret telling you I found it now…. I didn’t think you would go all weird on me and freak out and not even be able to talk to me … I debated back and forth if I should tell you , but decided to tell you so you didn’t think I was fucking dying , and just explain why I would randomly say stupid things purposely to gauge a reaction such as telling you I’d fuck cowboys mistress just to piss you off because I had read something that made me jealous. There is alot of detail about your sexual history there, and I definitely should have not read it, as you basically fucked anything and you almost make having sex with you feel meaningless, you don’t say a bad word about me, but you rarely say a bad word about others there either, and after reading it, I’ll be honest, it does feel like having sex with you is just something trivial and meaningless because of how easy you let men do it to you , and it was before, after, during me, I kept an eye on timeliness very carefully. So now I want more than sex with you. So that is why I’m being all weird lately. I just don’t want to be one of the million guys that is allowed to fuck you. I wanted My best friend back , and I just didn’t want sex with you. Hence why I met up you twice now with no intention to actually fuck you, or if it didn’t happen I was not going to be dissapointed, going way out of my way to do it too. I can’t and I could never give you many firsts, despite how much you made a fuss about random stupid firsts, and I’m cool with that. But I can be a better friend and not just simply fuck you” What he will never understand, even though I have told him & what you all know & what he should see from this blog, is that I always used sex to get men to like me, tragic as that is, I did it – the only person it ever worked with was the one man I had such chemistry with that he turned out to be the only one I ever begged & chased, it’s fucking him…! He says that he can see I picked the wrong men – like I had so many choices… I fucking dated the only ones that wanted to date me & none wanted a second date so how did I chose that?!

The thing that bugs him the most is Rob Rob, the fact he & I sexted & that he was married. Phoenix thought he was the only married guy, but turns out he wasn’t, which is stupid because he knew about Max. He keeps going on about being special & how he’s not because he was one of the many, which just fucks me off. I snap back “So using that logic, I wasn’t & am not special to you.. You had your partner, you had Rory, you had cowboys mistress…. You even told me you sexted with people, sent pics, you chatted on the anonymous app the whole time… Hell you’re even now currently on the new anon app.” When he asks which one is the new anon app, I get even more pissed off “Fuck me Phoenix… Really?? How many random apps are you on because your wife & I are not enough!” He says that he only uses the chat apps when he gets bored on days off but what annoys him is that I had said that if either J-lo or Rob Rob left their partners, that I would be with them… The shit he doesn’t understand is that, yeah if they had left their partner I would have tried for a relationship with them, I was looking for a partner, I was dating, so why wouldn’t I date them if they were single? I had a friendship with them that doesn’t mean I was in love with them or what I had with Phoenix was any less… I was dating in the hopes of finding a partner, someone who wanted me, someone who wanted only me. So I don’t think it should be a surprise that I would have entertained the idea. He says that Cowboys mistress & Rory were not even in his mind if things ended with his wife, but I call bullshit, both of them were in relationships for a start & second if I was in a relationship & he was single, he would have 100% fucked them & he would not have waited like I do for him! Don’t fucking bullshit me Phoenix!! All he focuses on is that I was chatting to them while having an affair with him… How’s the pot calling the kettle black! He was married & chatting to other women the whole time, so what difference does it make if I was? He says he wasn’t planning a relationship with women he was chatting to if shit hit the fan but apparently I was. Yes, I was looking for a relationship!!! He gets really angry & so do, I that he says he doesn’t want to fight about it because we only have limited time to talk & he doesn’t want to spend it fighting with me. Fuck he is so frustrating. I kinda wish he would just hate me & block me if this is what I have to deal with…

I send a snap because we have a long streak going – I forget what it’s up too now but the little hour glass about it expiring, doesn’t go away, he says he has no idea about snapchat, so I just say “Actually I’ll just let it expire, cos you’re not special… 🤷🏼‍♀️” which I get his second most infuriating response is “Do what you need to do 🤷‍♂️.” Get fucked cockhead! Then he says “I’m off-line for day , so chat again sometime 🙂” Oh double get fucked cockhead!

Ironically, he does come back online at night, I don’t want to message but fuckwit that I am, don’t want to miss out on my friend & don’t want to go to sleep so pissed off. We talk for ages about all sorts of crap, getting onto the topic of his Facebook page, he says that he’s worked heaps in the last few weeks & he’s not been able to think of content for the page but he says “I’d rather see you 🤷‍♂️. You are important to me, I need to start showing it to you.” I mean that’s sweet & I fucking love that, that I wish my job was more flexible, I am chained to a horrible desk with a team who watches what you do, not the boss, the team, tracking what time you come & go for lunch. He says that he finishes at 10:00am on Thursday so he’ll see me then, I tell him I’ll try to work from home but he says that he’s happy to come the extra distance to work for lunch & it doesn’t matter as he’s getting his car serviced.

We talk all night, him saying he’s cook me steak if he got to cook me a meal, I wish he would cook me steak, I would love for him to cook me a meal… When he goes to sign off for the night, he apologies for being a dick to me & says that he regrets reading the blog… I mean if this is the result of him reading it, I don’t regret it. But I am apprehensive – especially if he is saying he regrets it because that means he’s just a few days away from pulling back & leaving me reeling about what the fuck has just happened in the last few weeks!

I wake up to no rant but I get his usual 4:30am good morning. I am disappointed that there is no rant, but only two short messages & I think this is the beginning of the end. He regretted it last night so now he’s woken up & realising that he needs to pull back… But then he says “Haha trust me you don’t want a. Anymore rants. Because rr. Reading about what me has made everything come back to the front of my mind, and gave me a reality check. And I’ve always missed you. But reading our entire story man it hit me different.”

Playing around with snapchat, I create a countdown for him to bring me ice-cream when I have my surgery, knowing it probably won’t happen cos he won’t be talking to me then anyway. He’s at work, even though it’s Saturday he messages consistently & quickly. I am lying in bed sending him cheeky messages & pictures trying to get a reaction from him, which I get! We talk further about how I probably have the dates of when we met, which I do “We met on the chat app on the 24 March 2017… We met on the 21 April 2017 for lunch & we had sex on 9 May 2017” I send that but looking back, I must seem like a fucking crazy person, who has those dates, so readily available – well they are on a USB somewhere so I had to find it but yes I have them on a spreadsheet!

He says again that sex is meaningless to me & that he was just another guy I fucked. He forgets that it took us over a month to meet in person, for a sexless lunch, that he was never just a guy I fucked, I fell for him so hard, I still love him, so much so that even after all this time we still are able to cum together without faking or trying too… How is that meaningless with him? “And sex was meaningless, I won’t deny that… Till I had someone who loved me. Made love to me & made me feel things I didn’t know existed…” He made me feel things that I didn’t know were possible. He taught me things sexually – which there is no point talking to him about because he won’t believe me, but most of all he taught me about love, friendship & relationships that I never thought I would know or feel in my life. It’s like he’s never had meaningless sex before?! I mean hasn’t everyone just fucked someone for the sake of having sex?! He will ALWAYS be the most special human being in my history because he was the one who eliminated my biggest fear in life & that was: dying without being loved or feeling loved. In my eyes, obviously not his, that is more special to me that anything else…

I was loved.

I am loved.

I love.

#IBD4U

13 March 2025 – Why? What? Where? How?

Oooooh intrigue! Who is Phoenix?!

Well it only seems fitting that at this point of the story, affair 3 or ‘A3v2.0’ as I’ve started referring to it as, that the pseudonym change for Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel to Phoenix. Buckle up readers, things are about to get juicy! (the name will be explained!)

“Haha but I probally need to confess…” Yes he better fucking confess before I lose my mind about why he’s being weird… There can only be three things that I can think of… He’s dying from this brain tumour or things aren’t good at home – she’s leaving, he’s leaving – but the marriage is breaking up & he’s setting up his backup plan with me by pulling me close but what I actually think the reason he’s being weird, is that he’s somehow found my blog – I fucking hope it’s the former because he’s going to hate me if it’s the latter!

He’s typing for ages & I can’t fucking stand it… When I see his message, I gasp out aloud, “I found your blog….” FUUUUCCCKKKK! “I googled your fantasy the other day you sent it to me, and it came up with your blog, and it made me realise alot of things and I mean alot of things to you…. it also made me not afraid to reach out to you and be honest with you…. so it was a good thing and it does verify alot of things, it also does poke alot of holes in things you don’t tell me or I shouldn’t know …..there are obviously things I hate in there , there are things that I tear myself down with to make me seem not special to you sexually, but it did make let me know you missed our friendship , and that you did always think about me during our down times. So I decided it was time to reconnect properly But worse of all, it made me miss you sooo much more. The good times are good to read about And I’ve been debating all week to tell you.” Hahaha, FUCK, I knew it!!! I even said to my sister the other day that I think he’s been reading it.

Now I have that confirmed. FUCK. What the fuck has he read & what the fuck did I write?! SHIT. FUCK. SHIT. Well he’s already said that there are things I didn’t tell him – which is true… I did that to stop him from hating me. I did that because I was an idiot.

Back at the end of February, on the day we fucked & he started being weird he had said to me “You have probably written stories indirectly or directly about me too 😜” FUCK, I knew then that he was reading, well I had a inkling that he was but fuck he told me the day he found it & I missed it!!!! So looking back on it now, the blog stats from the 24 February when he started this – or found my blog to 13 March when he confesses that he found it & it’s so fucking obvious, I feel so dumb for really not putting it together but I am so scared he’ll hate me for what I wrote about him & his wife!

He says that he’s read it all, fuck all 500+ posts, meaning he would read about all the fucking shit I’ve done & how I ended up really wrapped up in him, would he see how I got so wrapped up in him or is he still poking holes in my story & not believing that while he thinks he was special sexually – which he was & still is, the non-sexual things mean 1000000 x more than anything sexual with him. Like the Tuesday nights sitting in the car after we had epic sex & just chatting, him being the first person to ever tell me he loved me… More recently, holding hands while walking through a shopping centre. We just have very different points of view on what is special.

Anyway, he says “But if you were wondering why I would just randomly tell you about cowboys mistress, I obviously did that on purpose. I wanted to make you jealous because I got jealous.” Yeah I knew there had to be a reason – our relationship has always been tit for tat. Even though he fucking destroyed me by ending it & ghosting me the first time then coming back online & telling me all about his kinky wife, he got pissed at me for sharing on Facebook or Fetlife, yet he was directly telling me how kinky & amazing his wife was, so I knew there was some reason why he was trying to make me jealous when he talked about her.

He’s mostly pissed that I told other men about the blog but not him, he says the blog doesn’t make him hate me but makes him like me more… Honestly, I find that so odd, because I don’t know I would be ok with someone writing about my sex life, my family, my job & quoting me no less with copy & pasted quotes from our private chats, he says it makes him feel a bit sorry for me but made him not afraid to drop the wall with me… If I had of known that he would be ok with it, I would have told him as soon as I started posting… But I genuinely assume (& still wait for the day) that he hates me because of the blog.

He analyses me based on what he’s read “I mean you do make me sound like some sort of sex God🤷‍♂️. You are soooo fucked up. And based on your blog it just came down to bad luck. I also think you were looking for love in the wrong places after me. I do not believe you are unlovable, bad at relationships, even affection.” I hate the word desperate but I always say for lack of a better word, I was desperate, “I just think you have a terrible judge of character, and being so desperate for a relationship you let alot of red flags slip.” I mean there have been red flags with everyone, but someone once told me that red flags can turn pink, so yeah I do overlook a lot of shit. I mean look at how much I overlook with Phoenix – he brought his mentally unstable partner to my house, he blamed me for her STI… to name just a few things!

“Like I got insanely jealous when I learnt you had online brutal honest friendships… So I made sure I told you I had the same thing… I wanted you to be jealous. That was fuckin intentional. You obviously still use it a blog when you need to vent. There are some things in there that boosted my ego…but also some things that hurt it … I found it Sunday when you shared me the story, and had read most of it by Monday…. before I saw you, but you had sense sometimes had changed in me…….” Fuck he had read it when I saw him that weird day in February when he was really cuddley & hung around way longer than he usually does. Shit. It’s been almost three weeks since then so guess he’s not going to hate me because of it? I can relax? Though the friendships with J-Lo & Rob Rob are the ones that he’s pissed about… I get that. I understand how hard they would be to read, but they literally got a few posts each & were not brutally honest, I barely know anything about Rob Rob really & J-lo doesn’t joke a lot. Phoenix now has four fucking nicknames for fuck sake!

So I now have literally nothing left to hide from him. Any white lie I told him back in the beginning or even with Trainer, he now knows. The only part I still hide, is how much I want him in my life, properly in my life… I am getting better at not hiding that side of me, but I am still waiting for him to pull away again, so I trying not to just let myself give him all of me. I have tried to still make it about sex, when we chat, when we talk on the phone – something that’s been happening a bit more but I talk cheeky, when we meet for sexless dates – twice now, I made hin fuck me one of those times… I still need for it to be about sex because this man. While I don’t really think there is one only soul mate for each of us, I’m not sure I believe in ‘the one’, but I think this man is mine but I can’t let myself get to invested in this. He is going to pull back, he has a wife & kids, they aren’t going anywhere, I know it’ll be me hurt & dumped again when shit hits the fan…

The L word has never done us any favours in the past, in fact it’s probably what destroyed us because neither of us could give each other what we wanted, he wanted & needed for me to be more open, but I didn’t know how to be open & vulnerable. I needed him to be more communicative & obviously single. We couldn’t give each other a fraction of what we needed. We had love & passion, chemistry & friendship but it was never enough if we didn’t have all of the other one, plus it was mostly online. But I can’t be the open, vulnerable partner that he needs, not while our situation is like it is. It is impossible for me to let my guard down so completely, like he needs while I am in this situation. As it is, he’s just read my deep dark secrets & his response was to try to make me jealous, so that tells me that I need to hold back a little with him still, he is not ready for me yet.

He does say that he’ll never doubt my love for him again after reading it. It still annoys me when he says that he doesn’t feel special to me “I mean I was not expecting to find a detailed history of your entire sexual history, and tbh after reading it I will never feel special to you sexually because you gave alot of men things very easily that I thought would need a bit trust and thought I had earned that with time vs some of those stories. But I also couldn’t look away haha. But I don’t know… it made miss our online friendship too… But I didn’t hate it or hate you. Weirdly it made me ree. Reiz. Realize how much I loved you. Ans how much you loved me. Not sure why you would think i woil. Would hate you, anything in there to do with me I already knew.” But he knows that what I wrote he was never supposed to read so he believes how much I love him… I don’t need to keep reassuring him.

So the name change:

The first affair – Noodle – I didn’t even know that I was in love with him… I didn’t believe that someone who’d already picked out their baby mumma & soon to be wife, could actually love me – then he chose her & I felt like a fool.

The second affair – Silverlining – I felt like I had a second chance to really show this guy that I loved him, put all my effort in, not live with my biggest regret that I never told him enough that I loved him using the ♥️ emoji because I was scared during affair one. But even with my effort, he pulled away (because he was getting married) but I didn’t know why & felt like a fool, again with every step I took.

The third affair – Marvel – I made it just about sex. He was my sex toy, he wasn’t getting any feelings, any stimulation other than with his cock. Obviously, there were sometimes where I let my guard down a little, or after sex I told him something I wouldn’t ever tell him via text. He kept the distance by logging off & not talking to me, we caught up, fucked & went about our lives for five years…

But now, the third affair 2.0 – Phoenix has become a level of honesty that I didn’t know could exist. Phoenix tells me that because he read the blog, that he really missed me & realised a lot of things. However the thing we fight about most, is my blog. I thought he would hate me, it turns out he doesn’t, he does hate things I’ve done with other men – which is what we fight about mostly, but you know what, whatever I did while we were together or apart, is nothing compared to what he did to me & the shit he told me about him & his wife. He had a partner the entre time so if I fucked someone else & didn’t tell him, so what…

Phoenix is a new beginning & a cheeky nod to his real name – take of that what you will. I was going to call this new chapter his actual real name, but I think Phoenix suits the situation more than any other name… Marvel was the ash I settled for… Phoenix, is the fire I never thought I’d feel…

#IBD4U

12 & 13 March 2025 #9

He tells me that my name is VaginaMeat on Snapchat which I tell him to change because if anyone ever finds that, that’s just awful… I also have had the weirdo down the road stop by, reversing when he saw me out the front & coming to knock on my door when I legged it inside to ask me out for coffee. I saved the camera footage that I picture being used on a crime show CCTV timeline of the day I was murdered. Marvel says “Please don’t get murdered. I don’t want to have to explain that to the cops. Stay away from the creepy guy on your street.” I initially think that he doesn’t want me to get murdered & think that’s sweet, but reading back on that now, I think he just doesn’t want to get caught, being there is video footage of the creep down the street & Marvel at my house on a regular basis. I have always been upfront, well recently at least that I download the video footage & save the chats & pictures… I have told him that I have saved a lot more – well I’ve saved everything in the fear of someone getting away with my murder.

He tells me about someone asking to do a podcast with him for his Facebook page, encourage him to do it. I think he would be good at it, if he has the right sidekick. I always wanted him to do a Podcast with me, I think our banter would translate & would be a fun listen, obviously we never could do it, but I think he should do whatever he can with his Facebook page while he can. I am jealous that he can do all that, I spend hours writing & get nowhere with it. Not that I do this for money but that would be nice…

I also send him a message that I don’t think conveys what I want to say or what I mean – remember he was the first one to put this out there anyway, “So while you’re offline & I’m at the gym, I’ll have my little rant… So I don’t expect that every time we see each other or every night we say “I love you”. Today I just wanted to say it, I wanted to say it first, I didn’t expect it back. I don’t ever want us to say it cos that’s just what you say when leaving the house or hanging up the phone… I want to say it cos I feel it. I didn’t mean to say it after sex either, but that’s just when it happened to come out…” because his reply of “So we should say it when we feel we want to say it? Obviously, the other night I felt the need to say it on Sunday night” He’s said something similar to me a while ago about only saying it when we feel it… So I just want to make sure he doesn’t think I am getting too attached – he says “Last time you put everything on the line and truly showed every ounce of love for me….you ended things and went bat shit crazy. I don’t want you to go bat shit crazy for me and end things again…. I also never planned to string you along Or manipulate you to be the other woman. Everything in our past was genuine. Still is…” Because he said I went bat shit crazy & ended it with him last time we showed our feelings too much, I use this to keep the boundaries… I am keeping those walls up & boundaries up, but it fucking slipped from my lips after we fucked today… He says “We both held stuff back, 🤷‍♂️ both idiots. Hopefully we can learn from our mistakes as we mature.” I have learned from my mistakes, I won’t get attached like I did last time, so when this ends, I know I will be ok when he pulls away. It’s only a matter of time… How much time, I don’t know but I can’t let myself get invested like the last two times. He says that last time I was psychotic – I wouldn’t say that, I literally drove to his gym, he wasn’t there so I ended it by video because he’d been pulling away saying “I’m busy” constantly. I don’t think that’s psychotic, I didn’t go to his work or in his work, her work & cause a scene, I saw the stupidity & I ended it… & four days later he got married, so if he thinks I am the psychotic one, then I am ok with that… Everyone reading this can see who the psychotic one really is, I don’t need to justify it anymore than that!

Towards the end of affair two I was also having issues with work, they were writing me scripts & banishing me to a room away from everyone to make calls, that all the stuff with Marvel escalated, so him saying he was busy all the fucking time just pissed  me off… Nothing is more insulting that someone saying they are too busy for you – to send a fucking text! Someone who loves you, is spinning you what seems real but is actually bullshit about how much they love you, to then turn around & pull away… Yeah I am the idiot there! & to now find out he almost fell for other women & would’ve fucked them, yeah I’m the idiot. He says “Well. I wasn’t showing I was caring. And you poured your fucking heart out. It makes me sad just thinking about it…” I tried & got clobbered with ‘I’m busy’ & one thing that he started saying when we said good night every night was ‘luv ya’ in his own admission, trying to push me away, it worked, I walked away. He says “It was probably the only point I didn’t question it.” Wow, he didn’t question my love? But I say “And it changed nothing so it didn’t matter…” I am hurt that he realised I did love him & it changed nothing… He says “It makes me sad thinking about it.” Yeah makes me sad thinking four days later he married her anyway, all the while thinking about me…

---

The next morning we’ve planned to talk on the phone so I don’t get a lengthy morning rant, which I miss… fuck! I love his morning rants, they explain a lot & tell me a lot. But he doesn’t give me one. I do ask though if he likes the little pet names as he mentioned something about the initials & the other pet names I gave him. He says that no one has ever called him babe or baby & he didn’t think he’d like it but he fucking loved it… Um so his wife has never called him babe or baby? Isn’t that a standard term of endearment?! But he says I made him feel special when I made up names for him…

When we talk on the phone for fuck knows how long, we talk about normal shit in normal voices but then when we talk a little sexy, both of our voices change… his voice gets quieter, deeper & slower – he says mine does the same too… It’s a much more sexier voice. We cum over the phone having phone sex, something we’ve not done before so it’s fucking sexy & hot to get a different interaction when we’re apart. I love that we still find these new ways to keep things interesting & different.

I do have a little joke with him as the band Falling In Reverse are in Adelaide tonight, I tell him that I am going to this new band & tell him he should check them out. He says that he wishes he was going but he’d have to take the whole family, it’s a school night & the tickets would be over $600 for all four of them. I am actually really disappointed that with the money they both make & the fact they have half the mortgage of me on my own, that they don’t just splurge on something like this. Experiences like that for me at the top of my priority list, so I’m surprised he is so tight with money but he tells me he is saving for their passports. I don’t ask why, I don’t think I want to know why.

He remembers something that I can’t – maybe I do a little but I don’t know if it’s because I want to think he & I were connected way back when. But he says that the person he was seeing when I worked at Foodland, who was one of my staff, wanted to introduce him to her boss, so he was introduced to me… I mean I don’t deny it happened, I have no clue but why would it take him 8 years to bring this up?  Maybe he has before, I don’t have as much conversation saved as he thinks I have, but I don’t know if this happened or not… I like to believe it did, another reason we should be together, the universe introduced up even though we were both with other people like 20 years ago. I don’t know why he goes on & on about their relationship & how much she fucked him etc, but he does. I think it’s a little bit to make me jealous of people he’s fucked but maybe a little bit of bragging to his best friend, not really thinking that he’s fucking his best friend too so she will get jealous.

I tell him about my dorky side, like things like picking up something in the car to use as a microphone when I am in the car with someone like my sister, he says “It’s kinda fucked really, I consider you my closest and best friend that I have had my entire life, and shared all sorts stuff with you , been brutally honest , known you for over 7 years , had a full scale affair with you, feel more at home with you than anyone I have ever known. Yet we never got to know other outside of sex in actual person apart intimate moments after sex. I still learn new things about you and you learn new things about me. To this very day” It is a bit sad I never got to do anything non sexual with him, would we have lasted as long? Who knows… He always thought I was so cool, which is so not true at all!

He tells me that he finally just called the hospital & doesn’t have an appointment until April. If he’s losing sight in one eye then I am appalled that it’s going to take so long. I finally get the courage to ask, I’m not sure he’s ever going to tell me & I’m not sure I ever wanted the answer, “Is that why you’re talking to me like this now, cos you’re scared your gonna die?  Or lose your sight so you want to remember what I look like riding you?” which I added a joke to lighen the mood of my question. He says “Is that why you think I’m suddenly being nice to you ?” Um, yeah dude, I do, why now, after five years of distance!! But he says that he’s not afraid to die, he’s afraid of surgery (he has a huge needle phobia). & then says “You really want to know why ? Well I’m not going to know I’m dead once I’m dead and we all die sometime. I mean I don’t want to die for my kids But my wife will move on, you will move on, life goes on.” Stop stalling & just fucking tell me!!! “Haha but I probally need to confess…” ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

#IBD4U

12 March 2025 #8

I’m so sorry if you’re bored but this is my journal, I can’t speed up my thoughts! I will try though, I promise! One of the things that helps me when I am wigging out on the fact that Marvel is putting in effort – maybe his plan is so I meet someone else & leave him alone… I mean but all he had to do was just stop coming back online & leave me alone if he really wanted that… But writing about it, as it happens, or reflecting back on it a few weeks or months later, helps me gain perspective & not just be reactive in the moment, like I usually am. Writing has always been an interest for me, so I do this for me not for any other reason… But stick with me… 🤣

I wake up to another morning Marvel rant – I wasn’t going to post all these, but fuck it’s so confusing that I can’t help but add them… “You know what I don’t get? Is why we still have the conversation of thinking we don’t think each other is special? Like After 8 years  We are still connected. Despite being mostly sexual. We were still friends. And even if it was shit friends. Even if neither of was even willing to put it each other first during the 90% sex phase for the last 5 years. We both made sure we were committed tto the friendship , you still sent messages to entice me to fuck you , I always replied, and somehow we still caught up once a month for sex, and some brief convo about our life’s or just sometimes just random shit. Sure you fucked people, sure I chatted to others when I could of chatted to you , hell I’ll even admit I sexted people 🤷‍♂️. I enjoyed the attention and my ego being feed. But at the end of the day , Im always back to you. Your the friend I wanted, you are the person I have always maintained regular Contact with, regardless if it was daily, weekly, fortnightly, or in person monthly. And I doubt you have had that contactt with anyone except me for this long. So we are fuckin retards. And the only reason it pisses me off is because I only want to be special to you, and visa versa. So like a fuckwit I get jealous, I get jealous of your past. I try and justify I’m not special. But I shouldn’t even look at your past history or even who you have fucked. And you shouldn’t hold it against me I didn’t give you my full attention when online and gave some of it to others. Or that I made friends with others , I can’t believe you got mad at me for meeting someone that got me sense of humour lol or was brutally honest with me, because I’m sure you have met people on the chat app that got that about you! But at the end of the day, after one year, one day , 5 years. One year of not talking, one month of not talking, one hour of fighting. We can talk to other like nothing has happened, like best friends with an insane amount of chemistry and never get bored or awkward unless we are angry. And that is what makes us special to each other. And that shit translates to real life, and translates even worse sexually 😐” FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Our friendship for better or for worse, is this, & returns to this the second we let our guards down, at this point, mine is still up a little more than his, but when we do allow ourselves to chat, to feel, to love, we are best friends & we are best friends first… When we met online 8 years ago we didn’t meet for months but he was the person I was sharing all my things with, yes mostly about sex, but at that time too (& most of my life TBH), I felt like the only way that I could have a conversation with men was to talk about sex. Marvel never believed that he had so many firsts with me, thinking that I was literally having kinky sex for my whole life, not realising that it was really only months before I met him that I started exploring that side of me, I just embellished when I met him because it kept him engaged & drew him in… I never would have done that, if I knew that it was also going to be his biggest insecurity about us.

He believes the non sexual firsts we have, but I don’t think he realises to the extent, being that I had Boyfriend, I don’t think he realises that in the almost 18 years I’ve been single, I tell him that “All my non sexual firsts you’ve already had with someone else… But i still treasure them…” Being the first man I loved & the first man to love me, means more to me that who I fucked & in what position. Marvel is the first man that I had a proper consistent friendship & the first man I’ve ever been able to call my best friend, I’ve have other chats with men online but they were never my best friend, despite what he thinks about people I’ve dated or chatted too, he always was & always will be my number one, even if we somehow loose contact… He surprises me by saying “If you think I have the same honest, totally open friendship with my wife, you know I don’t. I hold myself back to her. Especially my nerdy loser side. I show and tell you everything. You were my first proper best friend. And still are 🤷‍♂️” When he says things like that to me, I am always so perplexed why he even bought a house with this woman, long before kids & marriage, why would you… I mean even though I never felt the same about Boyfriend as I do about Marvel, at the time I was open with Boyfriend, we shared things & he knew my stupid things about me, he didn’t know me like Marvel knows me, but I didn’t marry Boyfriend & I certainly didn’t have kids with him while holding back shit from him!

I say “I don’t think you do with your wife, but I do know now you had it with other people, which I didn’t realise. I knew you were friends with people, but I didn’t think quite like we were friends…” & he doesn’t get it & thinks that I’ve had all these online relationships the same as he had with Cowboy’s mistress… I didn’t, but he is adamant that he’s sure I did… Rob Rob would log off for even longer than Marvel ever did & forget about me & J-Lo was always in his own head that I got advice from him about Marvel but there was nothing really there with us. There has never been any one else in comparison to Marvel. He tells me I should be jealous of his relationship with his wife not someone woman online… Well his relationship with his wife doesn’t make me jealous because I know they sit in separate rooms, they don’t really connect or talk & he’s just even admitted he holds back with her – our relationships don’t even compare to be jealous of. But the things I am jealous of, is her getting to live with him, sleep next to him, him cooking & cleaning for her, when she doesn’t even appreciate it, she takes it for granted & teases him for his hobbies & interests, like she’s got so many fascinating interests or something… I’m not jealous of their connection because I don’t believe they have one, besides their kids. But him rubbing it in my face that he had one with Cowboys mistress, makes me jealous.

Today he is meeting me, he thinks it’s not going to be a sex date & says he can resist me, so I send him a picture of me in lingerie before I go to work, which he says isn’t playing fair but he wanted to play the game… I do want sex less dates, I haven’t had many of them with him before, or anyone really that I was interested in but I also want sex because who knows when the next time is that I will see him.

We meet outside near his car & we decide on Red Rooster – yes there are still a couple left in SA, as we walk into the store, we hold hands & fuck me & my walls for coming down but holding his hand, in broad daylight near my work, it feels right… So natural. So easy. It’s been years since I held hands with someone & holding his hand, is just – this sounds dumb, but where it’s meant to be… This is what is special to me, not the hot sex we have, not the conversations – they do mean something to me of course but holding hands & not feeling forced or awkward just feels like home… You can vomit now… Hahaha. We order & sit at a window bench seat. We are sitting there eating & looking at some woman just standing by his car, which he is obsessed with, so I touch his leg every so often or look at him to give him the fuck me eyes. I can’t believe that this is our second lunch date at my work & I feel so at ease with him, like he is my actual boyfriend, like we do this all the time… Um, fuck.

As we sit there chatting, he puts his hand on my leg & slides up my dress, brushing my panties ever so slightly & he snatches his hand away & says “Fuck, I touched it” I bust out laughing… Just like in Finding Nemo, I say ‘I touched the butt.’ I reach over & touch his dick & he says without looking at me “Don’t touch it” & again I laugh telling him that he wanted to play this game! We walk to my car & somehow get in the back, he has his pants off quickly & I am sucking his dick when I look up & remind him that he was going to resist me. People seem to be walking around really close to the car that I tell him we need to move… Fuck now I am being like him every time he’s made me move my car when I met him at his work or gym back in the day! We drive around the streets & as it’s getting closer & closer to the end of my break, I just park in a side street & get in the back with him. When I hear a crack. FUCK! I look down & see his phone on the floor, fuck I have just crushed his phone!!!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK… I pick it up & give it to him, while straddling him, he doesn’t seem to care & is pulling me down on him, but we realise that it’s just the cover of the phone! Thank god… He’d probably have some dumb excuse to explain how he broke it that would make no sense!!

As we fuck, we are both so turned on, so I cum riding him, then he picks me up & pounds me as I am laying on the back seat. I ask him to fuck me hard & I can feel us both building really quickly, as I start to cum, he cums, finishing really hard deep inside me… Um – how the fuck did we cum together?! Fucking hard, connected & turned on, it’s the closest thing I have to making love & the only man who I’ve ever done that with!!! How is it even possible? I mean after all this time… How can we be so in tune… Is it because in reverse dog years we’ve really only had like half the time together that we would have if we were a real couple?

I get back to work all just fucked & leaking cum, that I even show him a picture of my work chair that has a wet patch on it. I never realised how much of a selfless lover he is until he said “I thought it was hot when we finally did it, you told me to fuck you hard and make you cum quick 😐. I do things to stop myself Cummings, either slowing down…changing positions , Getting you to ride me. It was kinda nice not to stress if I came in under 3 minutes and just fuck you hard …..and not worry. I was scared you were not going to cum because I could feel you close as I started to lose control.” He always makes sure I cum first, I know this & usually multiple times, I love that about our sex, but I never really realised it was something he worried about…

#IBD4U

11 March 2025 #7

Incoming morning Marvel rant!

“I could not fall asleep last night, I was up to at least 11.45. But I was thinking, you have never apologised before haha. When you have had weird dickhead moments. Interesting to know you have done it. You usually just distract me with sex when you are back to being nice to me 😛 It’s actually insane to think we have talked to each other for over 7 years… You looked so much younger 7 years ago ! But so did I probably 🤷‍♂️ I mean there has been breaks , there has been moments of sex text only…. but there has always been that bond and friendship that accidentally comes out every time I fucked you, in which we both let our guard down, either showing each other a little affection, or sharing little life updates, sometimes good or bad, I do wish I could of spent more time with you during the bad times when I could see you were struggling and down, especially during the times you struggled with your favourite job, or when your dad first had heart problems, even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling….and I should of been a better friend….. I regret putting that guard back up now as soon as the time limit after sex was done, and you put the guard back up… because during those brief moments clearly you were crying out for My friendship while your guard was down because you had just cum multiple times. Because clearly there was a friendship and love for me, and clearly you were trying to reach out for me for help, and in a way you did get it very briefly after sex and our guards were down…. kinda sneaky on your behalf… Fuck Marvel so I can enjoy his friendship and love for a brief moment hen he let’s his guard down and I let mine down 😛 But I should of been better, I should of reached out to you and checked in with you. I should of told you I still cared. I should of told you I still loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t 😕”

Ok, who are you & what the fuck have you done with Marvel?! I copy & paste his whole message because I want you to see how his mind works – I have no idea why he mentioned how we looked younger because we didn’t share photos or talk about looks really… But also I feel like he’s getting closer to cracking & telling me what’s going on!

I reply that I wish I would have told him what I felt, but I knew he would shut it down, he has a problem with empathy, he tells me that all the time, so there is no way that he was going to just say ‘oh #IBD4U, I feel the same way!’ so I could never say anything, he says he wouldn’t but I know that he would have pulled away & told me not to get too close. I say “The ball is always in your court. Even now, any day now you could just go back to messaging sporadically. And even if I messaged 45 time a a day, you wouldn’t read them for weeks. I never wanted to feel like a fool so I didn’t bother & while I could see love there, I didn’t know how much or even if you’d ever admit it again after everything we went through.”

One thing that strikes me is that he admits he’s known me for 7 years, almost 8. He tells me “Hahaha if I couldn’t connect it to my daughter it’s like 4 years in my head. I also can’t pretend it hasn’t been that long we have known each other… And I know you didn’t message me in fear of me not reading it for a week so you would only message me stuff that would not make you feel like an idiot. Which is sex. Which I oddly think is the one thing that never makes you feel like an idiot around men.” I tell him, “I was never going to say anything of significance in text with you jist for feeling like an idiot & you not replying or saying you can’t support me like you used too… Every chick (who’s into men!) wants a man to support her during shit times… You were my person & I wanted to tell you shit.” Didn’t he tell me when I first got fired during the second affair that he couldn’t support me like he had. Yes, yes he did!

He legitematly seems sorry – maybe for the first time ever “I’m sorry 😐. I’m legit have a shit sense of time … I don’t do it for any other reason. Time flies as you get older… But yeah. Even if I’m being dick. Even if I can’t get back to you straight away. You can reach out to me… I would of never completely shut you down … I’m way better at building walls than I realised 😐” but what he doesn’t realise is that, he may not have shut me down, he says later that he wouldn’t have ignored a plea for help, but reality is, that he wouldn’t log on for days, or weeks… It wasn’t about what he was going to say per se, it was about the distance he put between us by not logging on to see if I had messaged & how I would feel with a message perhaps saying ‘my dad had a heart attack’ sitting at unread for a week by the person I am in love with… How is that supportive or good for my mental health?! Why would he even think that I would write that to him. I mean fuck, but in affair one, if he knew I was going out to dinner he wouldn’t message me because he didn’t want to feel like a dick & I would fucking write back to every message within an hour at the most, he didn’t want to feel like a dick for one hour, imagine feeling like a dick for a week, while dealing with your recovering dad… We won’t agree on this because I don’t think he would have given me what I needed or even 10% of what I needed, even if I did tell him about the shit in my life.

He sends me a snap of a diary – it’s the second of April & it has two names on it, some chick & his, with N/A next to it. Awwww fuck he’s so cute. He’s booked the day off when I am off with my gum surgery. I say that I have never seen his handwriting, but he hates his writing & says it looks like an 8 year olds, that he prefers typing. Something that has always made me admire Marvel is his grammar & spelling (even though there are lots of spelling mistakes in the copy & pasted messages – they are usually autocorrect or snapchat not having predicative text & us typing too fast). He tells me that he’s a good typist & his son put typing as a goal for the year as it was something he admired about his dad… I almost want to say something bitchy because I bet his wife made fun of Marvel & probably thier son, for him wanting to touch type like his dad… I think it’s super fucking sweet that his kids look up to him!

My Spotify has been playing songs lately that I haven’t paid attention too, but even though I still don’t know what the fuck Marvel is doing right now with me, how long it’ll last with the sexless dates & all day messaging & I’m afraid to ask because I don’t know if I want to know the answer, but a song comes on my playlist Lifetime by Three Days Grace, I’ll post as always for you to listen too. I think it’s relevant to when I thought we had really lost each other the second time. I send to him & he says that Three Days Grace are a fav band & it comes up on his spotify but he’s not really listened to it before.

Three Days Grace  – Lifetime

Called to say hello
Your voice always takes the pain away
The thought is unimaginable
That I saw you for the last time and didn’t know

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Now, I’m walkin’ ’round in a haze
There’s no color, only darker shades of gray
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me
Feels like a bullet running through me
Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Neil Sanderson / Ted Bruner / Barry Stock / Matthew Walst / Bradley Walst

Lifetime lyrics © Ted Bruner Songs, Mean Music Publishing Inc, Purple Planes Publishing, Riot Express Publishing, Baby Cats Music Inc

He says he’s going to come see me this week, but has to call the hospital about his eye, but he’s been asked to work in the morning now, so can’t call. I say that he doesn’t have to come see me if he has to call the hospital, I’ll delete the fake meeting out of my diary but he says “You don’t need to delete me. I said I would come see you, I did have a day off and still have Thursday off, only working the morning.” Maybe I need to start believing that his guy does want to see me & does want to see me for sexless dates… I am just waiting for the day he stops… It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird phase, so it’s going to come to an end soon, right? I need to be prepared for the day that happens… His life will go on like I never existed, but if I let my guard down here, even a little, I will be shattered when he goes back to not logging on for weeks on end…

Cute things he notices is that we are now Super BFF’s on snapchat – I did notice, it means you have been each other’s number one best friend, the one you talk to the most on snapchat for over 2 weeks. As much as Snapchat is the only social media I use since losing my Facebook, I don’t really use it for chatting, I use more for just cataloguing my life in pictures. So the fact he realises this but then asks me a question & says that I can’t get mad, which makes me laugh. He asks when my birthday is. I know he is shit with dates, so I am not annoyed, but it’s on my snapchat profile which he then gets pissed at himself for not realising. But he says that he just wants to remember when it is… Being that it’s about 5 months away, I think to myself that he won’t need a reminder, he probably won’t even be talking to me like this then, we’ll be back to monthly fucking & barely talking… I do tell him it’s a Friday though this year, so he won’t be able to see me, it surprises him that I know his patterns… I mean it’s not hard to figure out, every Friday he only talks to me in the morning & later at night or if he is at work… So not hard to pick up his pattern, same with the weekend she has off… I even say “If you’re still talking to me like this, I’ll remind you so you fuck me on the Thurs or sat…!! 😋” which he says “You make an assumption I won’t b” Its not an assumption, I’m almost certain of it… If this lasts longer than a month, I will be very surprised, he is notorious for putting in effort then losing interest… It’s only a matter of time.

I tell him I didn’t make eye contact with him much over the last 5 years, but why I made eye contact with him on Sunday was because I didn’t want him to see the love in my eyes & him pull away, he asks if I really think he’d do that & yes, I 100% do think that.. I say “You didn’t want to be close to me in case I met someone & I didn’t want to be close to you so you didn’t pull away or when your wife finds out, I am not the fool again.. So we’ve not been the smartest. Considering we know each other so well in other ways…” He tells me that big fear for him, “I was 100% sure if my wife left me or shit hit the fan. You would be in a relationship” but then he says “If you love something you set it free” & I say that’s a load of crap but he says he believes it… Well he’s never set me free? He keeps me dangling like a carrot waiting for a scrap of his time, so that when his wife does leave him, he can jump straight over to me, because what he doesn’t actually say is that his biggest fear is being alone.

He startles me by asking “Do you think we should of restarted this ? Our best friend online friendship? Sooner? From the start?” Um, do I think things would be this honest – let me tell you, we were always honest but this is different, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very different to the last almost 8 years. I never want to admit this but I say “Hmmm, sooner yes but not from the start… I’ll only ever say this once to you…. You were right to keep distance. Maybe not for 5 years but it was the right thing to do.” He asks why, which I knew he would, I say “I feel like I’m – what’s the word, maybe more mature (not old – don’t say it jerk!) that I’m able to see this clearer perhaps… I wouldn’t have been able to 5 years ago…” He asks how long I planned on doing this charade & I say forever as I’m not meeting anyone worth dating, he says that I’ll meet someone now that he’s making an effort… He may as well just have actual stabbed with a knife, just then, it would’ve hurt less… Hmmm we will see, I guess…

#IBD4U

10 March 2025 #6

It’s Monday of the March long weekend, he tells me that he won’t be around much today for obvious reasons, but chats to me way more than I expect him too, especially him talking about why we haven’t talked a lot in the past 5 years – just so you know this is a seemingly dialogue heavy post! He says “Because this would happen. We both knew this would happen. Neither of us are fucking stupid. We became online best friends… And that is a train wreck just waiting to happen That means feeling develop…a strong connection will develop” Well he’s right about that. But I honestly, just assumed he didn’t give a shit & was just sex to him, so that’s why he didn’t message… I never dreamed he was holding back so much, I just assumed he went about his days & weeks after fucking me without a thought of me… I wish I asked him at the time why he is doing this if he thinks it’s a train wreck, but I didn’t even think of it… He says “I thought about you all the time , I mean not messaging you all the time helped push me you to the back of my mind.” I dare him to put his phone down then, & his reply makes me smile like a wanker “No. I missed this so much”. FUCK! Then he says “I’ve told you every fuckin time we stopped I missed it.” DOUBLE FUCK. However, he’s always the one who puts the barriers up that made me walk the second time, its never been me!

As we’re talking about the fact we always fucked monthly, he says he didn’t notice, but contradicts himself by saying that if it got to the end of the month & we hadn’t fucked, I became more tempting & worked harder to get him to fuck me. Which is true, I won’t deny that! Our relationship was based on sex “It did technically come down to sex….I mean I loved you , will always love you, and will never forget about you. And haven’t been madly in love with you for the last few years. But I knew if I chatted to you… So I held back. So tbh if you didn’t fuck me.. I would of messaged you every 6 months… And eventually stopped  It would of slowed down… So your monthly sex achieved your goal  It kept me engaged with you on a fortnightly basis as a minimum. I never planned on cutting you off completely … But I did plan on weening myself off you. Where it would just get to the point where I would just check in on you every 3 months or 6 months.” Would he really still check in every 3-6 months? He didn’t the first time, cut me off without a trace, second time he said he’ll chat when he can & I never heard from him again until I saw he was online again & I reached out… So would he really contact me again? I highly doubt it? That part has always been on me!

This little rant comes out of the blue, while I am at the gym, it’s not in relation to anything we’ve talked about this morning so it makes me smile knowing this is something he was thinking about “So I’m going to give you a morning rant while you at the gym and can’t reply . Cos I’m a dick like that. And I won’t be around much today. But the reason I struggle to believe you about my body image, or myself. Is because I know you love me…. I know you see past my flaws…I know I’m not perfect, despite my big ego I don’t see myself as a 10/10, I’m like a 7 in my head, above average…but know I’m not ugly… But have major body image issues , especially the size of my dick, the size of my gut (which my head probably magnifies by x10) and my tiny unbuff arms. I know I’ve got other things going for me, I’m 6″1 with broad shoulders and a full head of hair in my 40s 🤷‍♂️. And I know I go on a bit of an ego trip sometimes… But I also know you are going to look past my flaws. And I’m going to be attractive to you know matter what. And that’s when the little voice inside my head puts myself down, I know you mean what you say. But I just think you won’t past my flaws…so then I subconsly high light my flaws to you and to myself …and always ….always think you deserve better than me, someone that doesn’t have my flaws… I know I don’t have a small cock…., but I don’t have a big one… I know I don’t have big arms, or a 6pack , and I even know that’s not even important to women , women will fuck anything they have a connection with. But in my head I think you deserve all of that. So I put myself down in my head. Then stupidly to you. I guess I do it to try and justify my decisions of the past too. So yeah. I’m an idiot. Because when someone like cowboys mistess told me I’m attractive…I believed her, and trust me, she told me alot …. But I believed her knowing she’s not in love with me vs you, the actual person I was fucking, and in love with. Well now you know why? I see past your flaws for the same reason 🤷‍♂️” WOW! Again, finally. I’ve been saying this for years about his looks & dick, I love him, am going out of my way risking a lot to cheat with him, he thinks I can have anyone I want yet he believes a women he’s never met & his wife, who, by his own admission never complimented him until she found out about me – assuming that lasted about 5 minutes, but he never believed me, the one person who never lied to him about how he looked to me or how me made me feel.

But unfortunately, Marvel being Marvel, starts going on about Cowboy’s mistress & I’m reminded to keep a wall up “Well cowboys mistress became a good friend , and if she lived closer…I’m not going to deny it, I would of fucked her in a heart beat , especially at any time we were not exclusive. And she was 100% jealous we fucked , she definitely said things in public to piss you off on purpose hahaha” Right then… Why did she even know he was fucking me?? He lost his shit at me for people knowing about him… Why is she trying to piss me off? I don’t even know her!! & the big question we all know the answer too, why didn’t he ask her to stop to protect me rather than just making me feel like a fool watching them flirt live in a public chat, while he’s not even messaging me privately??

“Oh I’m so good at making you feel special hey! 😛 But I would of , she was attractive, gott my sense of humour and always made me feel attractive, and we were both brutally honest with each other” I write back “Wow, you also said I’m the only one who got you & your sense on humour… Now she was also the perfect woman to cheat with… I was just the most geographically convenient one…” I then have to put down my phone for a bit, he doesn’t realise how much his words sting & fuck me off… I know I fucked other men when I was with him, but he’s had a partner that he married the whole time he’s been with me, he told me multiple times he wasn’t looking to cheat, loves his wife & now he’s admitting if this woman lived closer, he would’ve fucked her while fucking me & his wife. Get fucked asshole… Anyone else getting Max vibes, two women are not enough!!! I realise that eveything Marvel said during affair two was just fucking bullshit. I am shattered. My phone buzzes consistently for a while & it takes all of my energy not to pick it up & read them instantly.

“Haha na you get me or soooo many more levels… There have been others geographical convenient for me… I never fucked them 🤷‍♂️ Your not the only person who has lived closed and put the offer out there 🤷‍♂️ You were single and you did fuck people , I don’t hold it against you  You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck me #IBD4U. I fell in love with you. I never fell in love with one anyone else. I would think about you all day. You were in My fuckin thoughts no matter what. So do what you want. Pick apart what I tell you while I’m being honest with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. Try and make yourself feel less special , be a retard and do what I do. What fuck head drives 40 minutes to see a woman for lunch ? This dumbass… But keep picking my story apart. Whatever. Not even reading my messages now haha.” Theres the Marvel I know, the one who has to get angrier than me when I am angry – if fact I’m not even angry, I am hurt, so fucking hurt & need a moment! I’m not picking apart his story, it’s fucking facts. When he was becoming such good friends with her, I was spilling my guts out to him about how much I loved him, thinking that if I’d have told him more during affair one that things would have been different in affair two, but in fact all the while he was forming friendships with other people, that he prefered to come back online at night for, would have fucked them if they lived closer & no doubt, would have ended up falling in love with them too… So how am I special?!

Fuck sake, I give up on this conversation because there no winning with Marvel, he is right & I am wrong. As always… I fucked men while with him so I’m that means he can rub it in my face that he wanted to fuck others (contradictory to what he’s told me before). I never fucking rubbed my sex life on purpose in his face, except for the posts on fetlife, which I was even sure he’d see.

Anyway, it’s the middle of the afternoon, he is playing a game with his daughter, who he sends a snap of to me, something similar to the game guess who but looks different… So he’s at home, she’s at home – during the day on a public holiday, he’s playing with his kid & can message me – just remember that! However, I fucking love that he is sharing more about his kids & showing me what a fucking cute dad he is. He’s holding some toy she just gave him to hold as his game buddy. It’s so fucking cute & makes me fall a little more in love with him – but the previous conversation made me fall a little bit out of love with him, so it’s now evened out. Hahaha

I tell him that at the end of March – I’m not sure why I offer it up so far in advance being it’s the start of March still, it’s still like 2 weeks away that I am having gum surgery & having 3 days off work that I’ll be free for 2 of them recovering. He says his roster isn’t done but he’ll see if he can see me for a few hours. He says that he’ll put it in the roster book to have the day off, which surprises me… I mean I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here! It’s been exactly 2 weeks of this daily chatting, all day – everyday… Even on days when he says he can’t chat much & is home with the whole family…. Let’s actually see if he even sees me for a couple of hours or not…

One thing that has always been weird is the fact I’ve kept everything, every screenshot I took – which isn’t every thing from the beginning, but there is a lot of pictures, screenshots & info about the dates & times we fucked. Mainly because Marvel always told me his wife would kill me so I was prepared, but then my blog became more of a journal that when we started up the third time, I saved every single thing, for my blog, however I barely wrote about 2024. He talks about having deleted everything, FetLife when he got pissed at me, but I only posted on there cos he was telling me daily about his kinky wild sex with his partner after she found out about me. He’d deleted the emails from the random yahoo account. It makes me super sad he has nothing, when we reconnected for the second affair, he mentioned that he’d recently read the emails we sent at the end of affair one, before we started chatting again, which made me realise that he wasn’t done with me. But he says “So I’ve got nothing. From our past. Makes me a little sad.” He says it’s nice that I still have the stuff – albeit it does scare him but he says also that I’ve never done anything with it so he trusts me.

I remind him that I gave him a Samsung watch that I clearly could’ve sold that came free with a phone but I just gave it to him. I tell him it was a obvious I love you gesture, which he agrees “Why was I such a dick to you for so long.” Yeah who the fuck knows Marvel… Who knows!! I say he didn’t deserve it, that I never got a gift from him & he says “You probally deserve something tbh” Oh yeah right, as if this guy will ever buy a fucking gift for me… & it’s not like I went out specifically to get it for him, something thoughtful & meaningful, no, I just gave him something that was surplus to my needs, however I probably should have sold it.

So after telling me at 7:00am that he wouldn’t be around much today, I was able to copy & paste 27 A4 pages of messages from him, which weren’t just messages before 10:00am & after 9:00pm when she would be asleep, there were messages all throughout the day… How is he messaging me without getting caught? Before he goes for the night, he says that he’s going to come visit me at work on Wednesday for lunch again… Errr ok… I want him too of course, but this job is so difficult, not because of my boss but because of the team, they seem to track each other more than anything, making sure no one takes a minute more than they are allowed… I will figure something out in my diary or work an extra 30 mins to make up the time I am with him.

This is also about the time I start using his initials as my good night, I say sorry for being a dick today (not sure why, looking back he fucking deserved eveything I gave him & more!) & I say ‘Night ABC xxx’ & he says ‘errr night IBD4U,’ using my real initials too. A little term of endearment, that’s not too lovely dovey but not just his name, something no one else calls him, something special for him, without being obvious. I mean I still don’t know what is going on here, so I need to keep my heart to myself a little, he could go back to chatting once a fortnight like he was before at the drop of a hat, I may never know what the fuck is going on here & it could change just as quickly as it did to begin with…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #5

So with his weirdness still going on, sexless dates & all day chatting from 4:20am when he gets up to about 4:00pm or 5:00pm, then again around 8:30pm – 9:00pm till almost 11:00pm some nights, I am weirded out still as to what is happening, we’ve done a few phone calls, he’s met me for a sexless date – not me going to him all the time & says he wants more of it. What is he doing, because if he can’t keep this up, it’s going to destroy me. I am trying to keep it at an arm’s length but it is fucking intoxicating & I am drawn in without even realising how much of myself I am giving him.

We are chatting, he gives me a morning rant that is like 20-25 messages in a row of all sorts of shit, so our conversations go everywhere & if I wrote about everything we talk about, I would never get this story out… But because of his early morning rants that I love waking up too, I open up & say “I don’t know if I ever told you but my biggest fear in life was that I would die never being loved… Cos the ex boyfriend never said it no other guy but you has said it to me… So I guess I was mid 30s & never been loved & didn’t know how to love either… I mean I still don’t think I do it well at all… So yeah I struggle with that emotion or any emotion other than anger.” & his simple reply makes me swoon “You are loved.” I say aww, not knowing what to say & he continues “I know you have always doubted it. And I know I confuse you sometimes. But you were always and still are loved by me. And no one would believe me , and I’m sure anyone that knows you would tell you it’s a load of shit, and I’m just a cheating fuckhead. But I’m 100% sure it’s the reason you have kept me in your life. Because you know I do love you.” Is that true? But I do feel loved…

Because we talk a lot now, more than ever before, more than even affair one, I reckon, that it’s hard to pick out things that I want to write about – stuff that deserves air time, stuff that’s meaningful not just sex talk, I know it’s boring for those still reading but this is my journal that I am posting online so it’s probably going to drag out – looking at what I am writing about, we’re only up to the 6 & 7 of March 2025 at the current time – Fuck & we’re on post number 5 for March… Believe me I am culling information as much as I can!! Hahaha… For example, I was copying at the time & pasting our chats (like a weirdo!) into a word document, 30 pages for 6 March. THIRTY! Plus, there is a phone call or two now & sometimes a face-to-face visit also. Needless to the say there is a lot of information to get down, especially since I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with him & why he’s being weird!

But we’ve recently talked about the other chat app days & how I was pissed off at the end of affair number two when Marvel came back online & didn’t even say hello to me but was chatting in groups, he did it a couple of times, his morning rant includes him finally understanding my side of it “I kinda get the jealously thing, you had unlimited access to groups, I had limited access , if I was online with my limited time , you wanted all my limited time, which obviously I didn’t always do. But I justified it in my head because I messaged you every day, messaged you literally all day, met you multiple times a week, and you were my number one pm. And as much as I loved you, as much as you were my number one, as much as messaged you all day. I like my ego being stroked just as much as my cock. And having a bunch of girls flirting with me, trying to get my attention, even try and mark me as their territory (oh and I know they did, especially the chick that was fuckin cowboy haha!)” I get it cos I loved the guys flirting with me, but I was always sitting there waiting for him, even if I did chat with other guys – which at that time was no one. I think even though I hate bringing up the past, it’s good & more honest than ever before with Marvel that I like chatting about this stuff & getting clarity without blame or regret.

He’s planned to spend the day with me, well it’s not the whole day is it? He will come after 7:00am & will leave around lunchtime but I am excited for the allocated time because he said after the night I had with Origin & he came over the next day & I slept, that he almost blocked me. Whatever dude , you fuck your wife! & I didn’t even fuck Origin that night… Anyway, I’m supposed to pick him up so he can leave his car at work but he messages me & says that he doesn’t need a lift. I am sleepy & don’t understand it, feeling like he’s bailing but he says that he’s just going to drive to mine & wouldn’t cancel like that. Last night he stopped replying around dinner & never came back online so I assumed he was going to bail, he’s not bailed a lot but usually disappears when he needs to bail so he can avoid the conversation rather than being an adult to tell me why he can’t meet. Usually I’ll get a “can’t do today” or something equally as cold, no explanation & no sorry, then he disappears for days, maybe weeks on end, so yes Marvel, you would cancel like that!

I had thought about this drive back to my house from his work a lot though, what little fantasy I could think up. I could pretend to be a student needing driving lessons, but when he says that he can drive himself, I am ok with the fact I don’t have to drive to get him but am also a little disappointed that we won’t have a little fantasy & some sexual tension build up – a little fantasy he didn’t know about & I didn’t know would be hot…Or I was going to make him drive & jerk him off… But anyway, I have my sisters dogs at my house as well as mine so I get up to sort them out, feeding them & getting them all settled again.

When he comes over after we fuck, we lay there cuddling, we fuck again. Half way through the morning, I get up to make us breakfast. I have pre-made crumpet protein bowls & so I heat them up & take them into the bedroom for a bedroom picnic. I am not sold on them but he seems to like it & later he tells me how much he loved me making him breakfast. We both get really hungry when we fuck so I thought we should have something to eat. I did also get bacon & eggs but didn’t want to spend the time I had with him in the kitchen cooking. So I opted for the pre-made protein bowls & just heated them up. I think because he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot, that he loved that I put in that effort. In a stupid thing I do too, I bought him Pepsi Max because he prefers that over Coke no sugar – which is what I drink… I do these things, then feel like a dick cos I want him to have the Pepsi Max but I don’t want him to know that I got it – if that makes sense?!

He does something relatively new today, he spends a lot of time just lightly rubbing my clit, over & over – not in a fuck what is he doing way, but in a what the fuck is he doing, I am going to cum type of way… He does this multiple times throughout our session & I fucking love it, I can’t get enough of it. Later he tells me that he couldn’t get enough of my body reacting, my face & my moans that it made him want to do it more & more… It was so good that I am literally begging him, fucking his hand to make him do it basically as he’s walking out the door! Before he leaves though, I ask him to fuck me hard, which he does & we cum together, something that he still thinks is just fiction & can’t happen in real life. I mean I never knew it could happen, it’s only ever happened with him & only three times that I can recall.

He tells me that he loves what I put on as he was leaving, which was just a t shirt dress, it does hug me in the all the right spots & when I tell him that I am more comfortable around him naked, he says that he wanted to touch me more when I was wearing clothes. I have put on weight so I don’t feel as good about myself but he says that I look like I’ve lost weight. We talk about what would happen if I was with someone & we met up in the future & I tell him it would be just like Carrie & Mr Big when they’re cheating… He says that he would put in a fuck ton of effort to make sure I fucked him, even if I was with someone else… Would he really?! I mean in the past he’s told me that he wants me to be happy & that’s why he backs off, so I don’t know if he would really try at all to fuck me if he had lunch with me & I was with someone.

There is one thing that has always been in his mind about me & sex. That I need kink & that he isn’t kinky enough for me. He says that we had no kink at all today – not even a spank & I reacted in a way he hasn’t felt before & I was wet just from his light touches, that I say it’s in his head about the kink, not mine. He replies “Guess it was one thing I was wrong about you 🤷‍♂️” Errr ya think!! I tell him that I enjoy it & I explored kink but I didn’t need it. I tell him that trust & connection, two things we have is what I want, “Someone who knows my body & how to use it. Someone who gets me mentally when I am being overly sensitive about some dick thing they said…” He says that the way I reacted proves any doubt he had. FINALLY!!!

We talk about fisting & rimming, two things I want to try with him, I’m always so conscious of him near my ass but I want to ty doing it to him, I know his wife has done it to him & he didn’t reciprocate to her – he would have fucking rubbed it in my face if he did, just as he rubbed it in my face that she did it to him – once – & he loved it, so that’s how I know he hasn’t done it to her, but I want to explore that with him, I’ve never done it to anyone & I reckon after a bath or shower together, it could be incredibly sexy. But he says that he has some physical condition that makes him scared to do it, I probe him on what & he says that cos he’s had a physical job & he’s in his 40’s but kept dancing around the subject, I honestly have no clue what it could be so when he says haemorrhoids, I’m like fuck I’ve had them before hahaha, usually when on some high protein diet that backs you up! Hahaha…

But all in all, he get s a few things today, he gets that I don’t need kink – I enjoy it but do not need it, finally getting that though his thick head & also that I made him feel special by cooking breakfast & having Pepsi Max for him, he thinks it’s really cute & he says I didn’t need to do it, but it’s my love language, the acts of service but then I feel self conscious about it but he says I don’t need to because he fucking loves it. As he signs off that night, having had a nap & coming back online to talk to me late into the night, he says “I’m trying my hardest here to not say I love you. Especially all the Cute nice things you did for me today.” I tell him I am holding back too, he says “So let’s not make this a habit? But I love you and goodnight x” I say it back because I do love him, I don’t want it to be a ‘habit’ or something you just say as you hang up the phone, but I do want to say it everyday, it was my biggest regret of affair one – but he seemingly doesn’t feel the same way… I guess (or overanalyse maybe) that it’s a habit with his wife & he doesn’t want it to be that way with me.

#IBD4U

March 2025 #4

Around this time, we start a snap streak, I don’t think it’ll last long & won’t be long before he logs off for days anyway, but I get sucked in so easily. What a fucking wanker! We start sending boring shit like our food – one of our main topics which has always been the case. We send pictures everyday more & more, it’s not just sexy pics, it’s all sorts of crap. Plus he’s also looking at every story I post too, usually replying to them.

When he offers up lunch at my work, this is new. He’s coming to my work for lunch… I just assume that we’ll go fuck in the car, but he says that he just wants lunch, no sex… UM, what?! No sex? I don’t know how that will go, I guess we will see if that happens, but then he asks me a weird question “Why are you so scared of me pulling away again?” Of course I say because he’s done it before & that it is always a real possibility, but he says “Ive only ever officially pulled away from you once. Due to circumstances. And never done it again. What makes you think I would ever do it again ?” Can I relax & believe him that this is true?

He asks me ”How much did you miss this?” & I honestly answer, “There’s not even a way to quantify how much I missed you…“ I don’t want to admit this to him, but I figure that it’s now or never, I don’t ever hold back in other parts of my life, why do I always hold back in my love life & especially with him? Maybe things would be the same, maybe it will make things different, but do you know what, nothing will change if I keep holding back… “You should of said something dipshit. I’m not that cold hearted” How could I have told him? He said so many times not to get attached, that I couldn’t ever say anything to him about my feelings for fear of being shut down. I don’t agree with him at all that he would have opened up this dialogue if I had of initiated it, he would have shut it down, I’m a certain of that but he says that he wanted this too… I believe he wanted it but I think if I have of said something, he 100% would have backed off.

He also asks what my plan was if I met someone, what I would say to him. “But my plan was… I didn’t have a plan tbh… But I knew I would keep fucking you until we had the exclusive chat for sure… Cos why end it with you until I know he is not fucking other people right… But I don’t know… I guess it would’ve depended in the level of feelings I got for them…” I mean I don’t know what I would have done, I never even got close enough to someone anyway so I never thought about it. The things he thinks about, puzzle me “Haha I always wondered if you would cheat for me, I highly doubt you would, but would entertain the idea of it , and if you hadn’t cut me completely, tease me with the idea of it. And just avoid actually meeting up.” I always thought if I told him I was seeing someone – even just for a date he would cut me but he says “I would of left that to you haha. I would never cut you ….I’ve tried … But at this point, or even in the last few years. I would of left it entirely to you to make that decision”

To my surprise, he does come down to my work & meets me. Because this is a first non sexless – dare I say it – date?! He’s walking around the shopping centre near my work when I find him, I am shaking as I walk up to him & giving him a light peck right away. I don’t know if we should hold hands as we walk to Hungry Jacks but we don’t, he does lightly put his hand on my back a few times & pulls me close but we separate quickly. We both order separately, I don’t know if I should wait for him to pay but I just buy my own lunch, but I’m so nervous, I buy a fucking burger without cheese. So odd how fucking turned on I am without even really touching him. We hugged a little & kiss while waiting for the food, but given the conversations & the break down of the walls, it felt like we held back, if I’m honest. I am still not sure if this is real! What the fuck is going on here, we’re now doing sexless dates?

We eat looking at each other in the eyes, something both of us admit that we never do with other people, & we touch each others legs or arms briefly. While I have butterflies with him, I feel more at ease that I ever have on a date, it feels like this is something we do all the time, it feels so natural. We walk back to my work, holding hands, to his car where he pushed me up against it & kisses me so hard that I can feel his cock against me. We kiss & chat, turning each other on. While standing in broad daylight near a major main road, he slips his finger inside me, I want it there so badly, but I want it to do more than just slide in me. He takes his finger & sucks my juices off of it… I cannot fucking stand. Jesus!!! Then he moves me so I am facing work, he pats me on the ass & says “get back to work”, he chuckles & he moves us so I have to start walking & he gets in his car… You fucking Prick! I never agreed to a sexless sate with crazy tension like this, especially since I have no idea when we are going to see each other again.

Later that day he says that he’ll tell me a song – I’m excited to finaly get a song from him because he made such a big deal about lyrics hitting hard & all that bullshit. I gave him an amazing song where the lyrics really hit for me, but when he tells me that My Medication by Papa Roach is the song – um what dude, I knew that one. I mean I can’t remember him specifically telling me that one but I feel jipped because that was an obvious one. I don’t think I’ve ever shared it before, I can’t find it on the blog, so maybe he didn’t tell me this was a song for me, but I figured this one because it was also a song I felt relevant for me, I’ve always said he’s like a drug that I can’t escape.

My Medication – Papa Roach

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Have you ever had enough of it
Straight over it, sick of it, can’t get ahold of it
Like a drug I need another fix
I’m a moth to a flame and I’ll burn for the hell of it
Battle scar ’cause I lost the fight
Every time I take a breath it’s like I’m losing my life
Fuck it, why am I so dysfunctional?
So irrational?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Are you living with the enemy?
Are you affected by the devils that are tryna be a friend of me?
I’m in a place that I don’t wanna be
But if I find a way to turn it all around would you follow me?
I’m alive but I lost the fight
It’s like the better half of me is on the edge of the knife
Cut it
Why am I so emotional?
Uncontrollable?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication
My medication

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

My Medication lyrics © So Many Names Music, Meat Locker Publishing, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Kobalt Music Services America Ii Inc Kmsa Ii, Meat Locker 2017 Publishing

All night I complain about how wet I was at lunch, just from sitting opposite him & how he stuck his finger in, licked in &  just patted me on the ass sending me on my way & he cums when he gets home but he tells me I can’t cum till Sunday when he’s planned to fake a shift & come over. The next morning, I stick my fingers inside me & send him a picture of how wet it is, that he calls me for a chat on the phone. It’s the first time we’ve had a phone call with each other, that we both say how much sexier our voices are over the phone than we thought they would be. Why had we never spoken on the phone before?!

Because we talk about the Papa Roach concert he says that I should have told him about it, even though our communication hadn’t been great over the last few years he was a little pissed that I didn’t tell him that I went because he said that it could have been something likely that he would have been at & he felt like that was important. First, if I had of told him, it would have 90% just sat at unread until he decided to come back online & so I would’ve felt like a fool for saying anything, but second it’s a big event  so chances of seeing him were slim – even though I did put in effort on my looks that night. I tell him that I was in the mosh pit & in the circle of death & he says “My wife has no sense of adventure and wouldn’t go near the mosh pit so we probably wouldn’t of crossed paths anyway” so why does he care? He says that he’s smug that I went to see a band that he loves, I mean I always knew who they were before him, everyone knows Last Resort from 1999, I knew a few songs since then but not like I do – yes I admit – because of him. I eventually say that I didn’t tell him about the concert because I was also afraid that he would cut me out of his life, he replies “I never planned on cutting you out and not sure anything would tip me over. I was waiting for you to cut me out?” I just say that he would blame me for his wife finding out or seeing me, he’ll deny this but I know for a fact he’ll blame be for anything that happens that involves her finding out, but he says something I agree with that I know he should say but I am not at all convinced he will actually do “I’m a dick sometimes , I know it, my anger blames you, but I’m man enough to admit I’m in the wrong, I’m the cheater, I make the final decision if I fuck you and to be honest I should never blame you. Why would I have a reason to cut you out ? I’m not the single one on the dating scene? I’m not the one that needs tto end to pursue the possibility of someone else giving you something you can’t have (and let’s be honest probally would fuckin die for). You had more reason to cut me out than I had to cut you out. I even purposely pushed you away to give you a reason , to make it easier when you needed too, to cut me out. And I may of ignored your messages, intentionally not make time for you , but at the end of the day, you always got a message once a week or two at Max, and I had to message you to get a reply. So even putting no effort it, I was still putting some effort to keep you in my life.”

Then I get a message that is a little Marvel rant – something unprecedented in this affair, but stuff I lap up like a puppy drinking milk, “OK storytime. I never told you I don’t think, I fell hard for you very quickly. I had feelings for you before we met. I stupidly fell in love, and although I had developed friendships online via the chat app and anonymous app, I had never wanted to risk seeing someone in real life, even the risk of being seen eating lunch with them, let alone going to their house and fucking them. I fell for you hard core within the first month. Nor had I developed feelings, well not in the same way I did for you. We had that stupid agreement, and our stupid sexual banter and your sexy online personality . You became my best friend without meeting me, and without even knowing, and I never told you early on. I didn’t want to look like a complete loser to you haha! And it was made even worse when it did translate to real life. Because everyone has an online personality , everyone is usually themselves , but with the volume slightly turned up, has a little more confidence, and their is less anxiety in text or online. I’m sure some people fake it. But I’m an honest personal , brutally fucking honest sometimes. Our first meeting despite both us being nervous was pretty easy going. Our first time fucking was pretty fuckin epic and very little umm what’s the word. Awkwardness.” I knew he had feelings early on but I didn’t realise it was before we met, I knew I liked him but I never let myself believe that we would be anything as he was in a relationship, when he ass “I had feelings for you before we met…before you did anything my wife doesn’t do.” He does talk about how he almost blocked me the day he first took the day off to be with me & Original & I had a weed muffin, I never fucked Origin that night, but the next day Marvel spent the day & I was so sleepy, but you know what, he felt like a fool once. ONCE, in the whole time we’ve been together & I felt like a fool over & over again – almost daily when he logs off & leaves me on read, so you know what, too bad mate, you made me feel like I didn’t matter over & over so if I made you feel like that once, then so be it. I can live with that!

Finally I get a song from Marvel, songs are our thing, lyrics hit home for both of us, so I know that songs will tell me what he can’t say to my face. He says to “And I feel weird about it , but itt always reminded me of you especially when I missed you and things kinda fell apart. And it’s not a love song, and it’s a papa roach song lol. And it’s more the metaphor than anything” He says that it’s Feel like home which came out in early 2019, the year we started affair two & the year he got married & a song I know I always wondered when I listed to it if he thought about the fact that the house he’s in doesn’t feel like home. He says “And it’s not like I think your house is mine. Or anything like that. It’s more I felt like “home” when every time I was with you. Metaphorically speaking. And I hated that feeling when it didn’t feel like that. Anymore. So every time I heard that song, especially when it came out. I fucking thought of you. If that makes any sense to you. Kinda hard to explain”  I get it more than I can explain to him…

Here it is for you to listen too & the lyrics as always to read – make sure you read them if you don’t listen because they are always very relevant.

Feel like Home – Papa Roach

It’s been a while since we crossed paths
I thought I saw you in an hourglass
I’m not sure where the time has gone
But I know it’s been too long
We used to say we’d never change
Now we’re trying not to show our age
I know you said you needed space
So you moved all the furniture around this place

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

It’s getting dark at sunset park
I see the marks on your broken heart
I’m trying not to let it get to me
But it’s hard with all our history
Leaving town while the city sleeps
You know, I always had bigger dreams
I keep looking in the rearview mirror
Even though I wasn’t happy here

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

And now I’m running to you, trying to find myself
But I don’t even know where to start
I guess that time has a way of keeping nothing the same
‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Feel like home

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

Feel Like Home lyrics © So Many Names Music, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Red Beard Black Ink Publishing, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

#IBD4U

March 2025 #3

Something weird worth noting, as you all know my Facebook was hacked over a year ago & Facebook deleted it, removing my access to the blog page & my little hobby business page. So traffic to my blog is very minimal, I write randomly & have posted some things but it’s really just for me at this point. To continue my story, hoping that one day I will find my happy middle (I’ve said before, I don’t want a happy ending, I want the middle.) But I start getting emails, that I wish I screenshotted saying ‘#IBD4U, your stats are booming!‘. Now let me preface this by saying, I can get these emails after posting, even though I don’t have my Facebook audience, but at this time in early March 2025, I am not posting. In fact, at this time, the last post was 23 June 2024. So while the last few days since I saw Marvel & him messaging all day long, from 4:30am to 10:30 -11:00pm, having a break for when his wife is home, is just weird, that I have had many theories as to why he’s doing this, is he dying? Is their marriage on the rocks? Does he have to have surgery & just wants to make sure I know how he feels in case something happens? Or did he listen to the new Papa Roach song that just released in Feb & decided it was time. But the most farfetched & my most feared reason is that he’s found my blog.

Here’s the Papa Roach song – Even if it kills me

Even If It Kills Me lyrics:

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away (oh)

Is this a warning? Is this a sign?
Should I keep my mouth shut, let you live a lie?
‘Cause every day, it’s a dog fight
I can see it pilin’ up like a mile high

‘Cause I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

Is this the moment? Is this the time?
Are you gonna wake up, gonna realize
Your world is burning? A thousand signs
But you’re choking on the smoke from the other side

And I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
(Warning)

I won’t run, I won’t hide
Standing in the fire, I’m alive
I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leaving you behind

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leavin’ you behind

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Andrew Goldstein / Tobin Esperance / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk

Even If It Kills Me lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Frndzone Music, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

When I ask a few days later if he’s listened to it & say how much I relate to it, he says that he watches the lyric video & asks “Do you relate to it because no matter how much it kills you, you put up with everything from or our an entire situation” –  well that isn’t the reason then, cross that off my list… So it’s either dying or he’s found my blog because he would’ve said if they broke up or were breaking up by now.

I obviously can’t see who is reading the blog, only numbers of visitors, but I can see that there has been several readers at different times & from different countries – could it be him? I think it is him because he is being weird & freaking me out while my stats are booming… But contradictory to that, I am also convinced that it can’t be my blog because fuck if he’s found it & read it, he is going to fucking hate me! There is stuff in there he obviously doesn’t know, there is stuff in there when I was feeling shit that I wrote but probably didn’t really mean. In all honestly, I paint him in a pretty good light throughout all three affairs, however, if it was me reading fucking intimate details about my sex life online that I never knew about, I would be so angry… So if he found it, he’ll hate me surely, so it can’t be that…

6 days into this weird dynamic with Marvel, I tell my sister that he just told me he loved me & to get ready for a downward spiral, she tells me to be careful & hopes that he isn’t using me – just as I do too, but I tell her then that I think he’s found my blog. How would he have found it? I have no idea, it’s not active, so activity couldn’t have been the reason. I mean, I have thought over the years that he had found it or he already knew about it, but he never said anything.

Anyway, we are always honest, so this level of honesty I am getting now makes me suspicious of what is going through his brain… “Sometimes I would think of you and not message you. I intentionally wanted to create distance, not make you think about me , fucking make you not as love me much, avoid me in your life so you can date and shit. And not worry about me , making me happy , and if you were to stop everything, in my mind it would of been easier if we were shit friends. And just assumed you would literally fuck me for 6 months before I was given the the message , Hey Marvel , I’ve meet someone. To make it easier for me when it did happen. Which oddly. Has not yet. But I’ll admit, I was a shit friend and gave you very little of my time. And never messaged you enough. Especially for someone that gives me anything I want sexually” So he’s no longer going to be a dick to me?! I mean let’s be honest, this era of being open is not going to last long, he will pull back just as I get invested & let my guard down, just you wait & see. It’s always on his terms, when I get used to how things are, that’s then he pulls back, I get angry & he pulls back even more. It’s the way it’s been always. He did it just before his daughter was born & he did it before he got married, blaming me for waiting too much of him. No mate, I just wanted what you were giving me in the start… I wonder how long this new found ‘missing me’ will last?! I give it three weeks, MAX! What do you think? & even if it does go longer than three weeks, Marvel will think it was only three weeks anyway, as he always plays down how long our affairs were when they end.

He tells me that he always listened even if I felt like he didn’t & he supported me when I lost my job last year “And was secretly proud you took on your property agent, challenged them, started learning the shit so you could do it yourself. You are peobally surprised how much venting you squeezed into those 15 to 30 minutes after sex talk. I’m sure I didn’t hear every tiny detail. But again I saw how much stress it caused you” I don’t know if I told you this but  my property manager had ripped me off so much Monday by getting tradies to go out for a loose cupboard door, that I ended up taking them to court. We settled out of court & I didn’t get as much as I thought I should have gotten & I didn’t get an explanation. I never realised that Marvel was paying attention to that.

We chat so much that it’s hard to summarise days of all day chats, I read things & I can’t believe this guy is finally revealing this stuff to me. “Part of the reason I avoided talking to you was not only self preservation for me, but it was for you to live you life without judgement from me , to date without my influence or even hook up, explore your sexuality more. And let’s be honest , I always put you down the second I got jealous, or punished you by either being a complete cunt to you, or even just ignoring you knowing it would piss you off if you did share something that made me jealous, or inferior for you. It was never that you were not worthy of time , or that I didn’t think of you . I thought I was doing the right thing for me, and it was the best thing for you due to our situation. But at what point do I give up? And what point do I stop fighting it ? I’m not sure how honest you are about fucking other men , or dating people” At least that he admits to being an ass to me about my hobbies or whatever.

“So that means I still meant something to you and still do. And it also means you meant something to me and still do. And it boils down to you being one of my best friends ever. And there is no point fighting it anymore on my side. Nor do I want to risk losing that from you anymore , and I justified it by thinking , if I’m not your friend , close friend, it will help you date others and move on , even fall in love with someone else” He isn’t going to fight it anymore, this scares me more than anything. I say, “The only thing that scares me now… Is you pulling away again… I know what I am in for. I’ve known for years. I’ve never asked for more. I’ve never expected more… So just accept the fact you can’t get rid of me…” But he says “I don’t plan on getting rid of you , I’ve kept you this long? Somehow you convince me to fuck you.” He’s deluded if he thinks I am convincing him, he could log off & go offline & forget me.  But there’s a reason why he doesn’t let me go “Haha you know I don’t have sex with my wife the same way I do with you. Not even close. Not even on the same level playing field. She doesn’t get anywhere near anything you get” I really don’t want to think about that, because if you met your sexual match, why would you want to marry another person?! Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025 #2

Side note: Because of how weird things that become, I start writing again – as a journal, not as a blog. I didn’t even know if I would post this story line or not because I had no idea where it was going or what was even happening but because I don’t have the audience I once had when I still had control over the #IBD4U Facebook page… I write in real time as way to understand what is happening & this is the closest to real time that I have ever posted – that I remember, especially about Marvel. But moving forward the blog posts will start being dated, which will be the day/month I wrote it, sometimes coming back the next day or two to finish off, but the posts have been written almost immediately after it happened so there is probably more detail than you’re used too. I’ll try not to be too boring.

After I admit that I love him still & he admits that he loves me too, he says “I have missed you so much, missed our chats and missed are close friendship, missed us being super honest with each other , and have hated holding things back, waiting until to we meet up with for a chat , but that chat has always proved we are friends, if you were down you always told me after we had just fucked, and you also listened to me about random rumblings about me and page and whatever other random subjects came up during our after dinner mint sex talk” Is he dying? What the fuck is going on here?! I say that he must have some things to get of his chest but he says “Not sure I had anything to get off my chest…I just wanted to restart proper dialogue back up because I had been too stubborn for too long,” Um… What?

I won’t post the whole conversations as always, just some highlights but fuck if you did read it all, you’d be wigging out too, what the fuck is he doing? Why is he changing the dynamic now after 5 years of FWB – without the F part, really, monthly catch ups & sporadic messaging, he’ll maybe send one or two messages sometimes one word maybe two & I would work my hardest to make sure I kept the conversation going & now, in an instant he wants to restart a proper dialogue? WHHHHHYYYYY? What the fuck is happening here?!

“But despite being a dick in the past to you, the honesty you have had with me, and the honesty I have with you, sometimes fucking brutal honesty, your over sharing, the way you treat me when I do open up, and trust me I am hard nut to open up, especially when comes down to what makes me tick, I close that out to the world, including my friends I make at work often, my wife , or anyone I meet in life except my siblings basically. I fucking value that honesty so much. Hell it’s one of the reasons I fucking love you. And I hate using that word around you” Yeah this is fucking cazy, but we talk all day about things like his wife & Ozempic, about how good he thinks I look now, that I had put on weight but he can see dramatic improvements, though he was happy when I put on weight because it meant that I was eating.

It’s also around this time that he looks at every snapchat story I post. I’m not gonna lie but the last 3 years we’ve been using this platform, I post some stories with him in mind, wanting him to see them. But he’s not online enough to look at half the shit I posted & when he did come online, he wouldn’t always look at them. So he starts looking at them & replying to a lot of them too, usually they’re food related so he’ll just say something like yum or where’s mine etc.

He asks what I’m doing next Sunday, because he’ll fake a shift on the whiteboard & come see me instead. Ok honestly, what the fuck is going on here! He’s already planned 7-12 if I am free… 5 hours?! Fuck, he must be dying. He tells me that I should be dick meat & he changes my name to Vagina meat. I tell him that he’s actually in my snapchat now as his initials, something I start calling him  He does a ‘pop quiz’ asking me what his fav colour is, which I guess as Blue . I guess his fav food as Ribs & lasagne, I guess Pepsi Max as his fav soft drink but get the bourbon wrong, saying I don’t think he would drink it but Wild Turkey is his favourite. I get his fav bands right, but he tells me about Falling in Reverse, a new favourite band – which I fucking listen to right away & learn some songs that I like, I don’t get the movies right as it’s Men in Black, but I suggested Rocky being his love of wrestling, I guess Rick & Morty as his TV show but he says the Walking Dead would be his fav. His favourite ice-cream is Boysenberry & his favourite season is Winter. He says that I only got them right because I looked at the old screenshots – yeah mate, like I am just sitting here reading our old chats over & over again! How would I even find the exact messages that we talk about this stuff in the past?! & I don’t remember talking about this stuff with him anyway. Most of the stuff is on a hard drive not connected to my computer or phone, so I don’t even look at the old stuff semi regularly. I do however following this conversation, write a note in my phone so I don’t forget these important favourites!

The next day I get a morning rant, the first of many I get over the next few months where he wakes up & spills his guts around 4:30am when he gets up, he says that he was planning being bed early last night but I kept him up & he says “Oh yeah since losing weight I don’t need as much sleep” – Remember this for later!!! He says a lot of stuff during this rant, including sharing the Falling in Reverse songs – All my life & Popular Monster plus a Papa Roach song they covered. I’ll attach the YouTube videos & the lyrics for Popular Monster.

Popular Monster lyrics:

Yeah

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah

I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day
And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular monster

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take
But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage
Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay

Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing
And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified

I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular fucking monster

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We’re sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a god that you don’t believe
We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is
Oh, where the fuck is your god now?

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m not a popular, popular monster

I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Ronnie Radke / Tyler Smyth / James Cody Quistad

Popular Monster lyrics © Ronnie Radke Music

I add the Popular Monster lyrics because while all three songs are very relevant to our situation & perhaps how he feels in his life, Popular Monster resonates with me the most – is he the rat trapped in the maze searching for a way out? Or am I just overthinking & he just likes the beat? Nah, one of the things we have in common is our love of music & the way lyrics speak to us… There is some deeper meaning here for him, maybe it’s why he’s being a weirdo! He even says at one point during this conversation “so I probally relate to some of the lyrics a bit more than a normal person.”

I ask him what songs he thinks of me with & I’m thinking a lovey type song but he says Butterfly by Crazy Town & Mouth by Merril Bainbridge, it’s because it reminds him of sex with me… I don’t mind that, but I will admit that I was hoping for more of a lovey song – the one I have for him is next level lovey.

There are other songs he won’t tell me “I’m pretty good at regulating my feelings….and err emotions, that includes everything especially my empathy…but there is something about music and lyrics that can just fuck with your brain, either help you realize it, magnify something or just simply help see things properly, and for me that is me at my most vulnerable” but I decide to share mine for him – a song that reminded me over & over again that I literally feel like was written for me to him… Never Not Love You by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Never Not Love You Lyrics:

You changed, you changed my life for good
I fell, but it felt more like flying
We did, did everything we could
But sometimes love loses to timing

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

You said goodbye to stop the pain
So why does it feel like we’re dying?
We said we’d always be the same
Who knew, who knew that we were lying

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

I’ll never not love you
If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not love you
I’ll never not love you
It was the end but my love, what a beautiful lie

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jared Leto / Ammar Malik / Jordan Johnson / Stefan Johnson / Marcus Durand Lomax / Michael Pollack / German I

Never Not Love You lyrics © Bmg Platinum Songs Us, Songs With A Pure Tone, R8d Music, Songs Of Bbmg, What Key Do You Want It In Music, Black River Streams

When he listens he says “I haven’t heard that one before but man, that is deep… #IBD4U you are meant to have a heart of stone….” Yeah I was supposed to have a heart of stone, I always did but he broke down that wall & he’s breaking it down more than I want to allow but I can’t help how caught up in this I am getting already… I tell him it’s old from 2023 which he says isn’t that long ago. He says “Fuck you shit me off. I treat you like shit for ages, give you a tiny tiny sliver of friendship and some decent sex , broke your heart way too many times. Even in 2023. And you still love me to some extent like a fucking knob. And probably the worse thing is. You see straight through me. And know my feelings for you never went away. Making me a bigger knob. So fuck you 😛.Where is my heart of stone cold bitch that uses me for sex?” I reply “Breaking someone’s heart doesn’t mean it breaks the love…” If only I knew how to break the love…

He says “Oh you know the worse thing? Somehow we still fucking got it?  Somehow we can still flirt freely , have fucking banter , tell other anything, from pointless meaningless shit to meaningless shit. Ans just resume a chat that has not happened in years like nothing has happened. And it all just works? Wtf” I agree Marvel, I agree… How have I let you just back into my DM’s so easily, when I know this is short term. He tells me I am addicted to him again & fuck you Marvel, but it’s so easy to chat to him, how the fuck is Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025

That night, crosses over into March & he tells me that he always had a mint & put on aftershave before he came over, thinking that I never noticed, but I always did. He also tells me that I smell good but I remember when he used to make me think he thought I smelt bad or something because after we’d fuck he’d ask how much perfume I was wearing. It wasn’t until I realised that it was because he could smell me on him & didn’t want to go home smelling like me. As I go to sleep that night, I am not sure what is happening with this man, in his life, really, is he happy? Is he thinking of leaving? Is he just genuinely missing my friendship, or with my catastrophising brain, is he dying? Whatever the reason, I have to protect myself a little here. He holds all the cards & always has. I can write to him anytime I like, but he has absolutely no fucking idea what it feels like for messages to go unread even for a few hours, let alone days, weeks & even months! I always reply so he has no idea, not fucking idea how it feels.

The next morning, very early, he has left me a trail of rambled messages telling me he scrolled our chat this morning & wants to fuck me. I think perhaps he’ll pull back a bit if I tell him something super lame that I have never told anyone. I tell him it’s lame & he’ll pay me out about it because he’d done it before when I told him about rope. He is so apologetic “If I have ever put down your interests it because its out of spite, or jealously or purely because I didn’t think I could live up to your interests Not to put you down or think you are lame cos sometimes I’m a fucking dickhead and do it out of self preservation or purely just to punish you due to my personal self esteem issues. I have never thought anything about you has been lame ever!!!” What the fuck do I say to that? Urgh my brain is going to explode, what is really happening here, I am so confused…

Anyway I tell him that I play Sims on my phone & I made one with his initials but a different name. I didn’t use his name because I didn’t want to see his name every fucking day when I play but I made it look like him & made it have a cat with the same name as one of his cats. If that isn’t the most losery thing ever, I don’t know what is. So this will surely scare him away & make him back off & stop being a weirdo. Is it a full moon???

He isn’t online today much either but he still messages more than I expect so when he replies later, he tells me that it’s kinda cute that I have a sim named after him, “I am sorry for poking fun at your interests and hobbies in the past due to my low self esteem or jealously. I know I was a total shit cunt to you about when you were doing the rope thing from memory, purposely put it down , and although it def is not something I would be into, I didn’t look at you any different or any less interesting Or lame, all I saw in my head was some dude being better at something on you than me, and for some really really fucking stupid reason I wanted to be the only one good at things on you, despite how unachievable that goal even fucking is haha, especially anything even remotely sexual with you So like a dickhead I punished you and was a dick. Why you even put up with me so long still boggles my mind” Well that backfired… FUCK.

Ok, that didn’t push him back into his non-commutative cave, so I try another tactic. As I type it out & hit send, I mentally prepare for radio silence for weeks, I prepare for even potentially not seeing him again – for a while or even ever – but I say it, as I’m typing, I think this is the end & it’s ok… “And if you want me to admit I love you. Then fine. I love you.” There I said it. I said it first this time. I said it first for the first time before he admitted it to me, I admitted it to him. Now I have said the actual words, I don’t want to look at his reply, I can only imagine that he is going to say ‘don’t get too close to me’ or some variation of that. So his reply is so hard for me to ignore, but all I want to do is not look at it… But like a true masochist, I am looking at it quicker than I want to admit “Na that is cute haha I didn’t want you to admit it haha. But fuck you You know I love you too But the L word is bad I didn’t want you to admit it, I tried to skip around for you lol” I stupidly let my guard down a little, but perhaps that will shift things back to how they were. That was working. I never asked for things to change & while I am not opposed to things changing, especially like this with him telling me how things are changing, I just know that at some point they will go back to how it was & it will piss me off & that’s when I will lose my shit. This is just dangerous territory. But maybe this is the jolt we need. We’ve tried this thing 3 times, for over 8 years.

#IBD4U

February 2025 #2

When we start to talk about how sad this is & how much we both have tried to hold back, he says “All paths lead to us fucking no matter what….is what I think” which is 100% true, I’ve always know that we would find each other in the future, I don’t know when it would be our time to actually be together, but I always felt that we would be together as a proper couple. Maybe one day but right now this is working for us, so why is he trying to change the game? I have to be careful here because yes he is opening up – for whatever reason, maybe they’re unhappy, maybe it’s because he’s noticed I am happier, but I know what he is like, one comment from me & he’ll log off for a week again, so I just have to protect myself a little here, but stupidly I also want to be a bit vulnerable because if they are having marital problems & he is considering leaving, then I want him to know I am a fuckwit & stupidly available… What a fucking dumb bitch.

Then he hits me with it “Ohh the whole reason I am opening up communication via text again properly is so we can be decent friends. Because I save up this shit I want to tell you or talk to you about then I forget to tell you, and get distracted fucking you again or have to leave. But anyway I forgot to tell you on Monday. You left a giant long scab on my cock from panty carpert burn last time we fucked hahaha!” He wants to be friends? I ask how he explained a scab on his dick not really wanting to know how she even saw it because I only fucked him a few days ago & he says they never have sex, but clearly, she’s sucked his dick since then. He tells me that he told her that he cut himself at work through his pants with a box cutter… Bahaha, are you kidding? Why wouldn’t you say you cut yourself shaving or caught it in the zipper? How the fuck does he get away with cheating for the last 5 years?! That is so fucking dumb, like next level dumb… Where are the pants, where’s the hole? I genuinely can’t believe how dumb both of them are… As if he said that & as if she believed it & kept sucking his dick?! Jesus.

For some reason, I tell him that I have all the screenshots of our convos, I’ve wanted him to know just so he knows, but also because he can’t deny anything when I tell him things he’s said to me. He keeps making this so much weirder… “I’m going to try and make a more effort to chat to you more , won’t be daily or all the time … But if your want my opinion or help or support. Please reach out to me. I’ve been a dick long enough to you as it is. For various reasons , but I’m at the point we I have given up, somehow we are still friends , somehow we are still fucking , somehow you haven’t let our friendship go, even when I become a fat ugly fucker, or when I just treated you like shit and intentially ignored you to distance myself from you, waiting for move on , encouraging you to date and meet others. I’m still scared I’m going to get that message you will no longer fuck me. And when they day comes I still want our friendship there and not have it entirely built on sex only. Because that is my fear now, apart from our short conversation after sex which I save up anything I want to talk tto you about (then forget to 9 times out of 10) , I don’t want to lose you as friend for the non sexual stuff”. Errrr what the fuck? Is this about his brain tumour? What the fuck is going on here? Is there trouble in paradise with her & now he’s making sure I’m available? He denied it when we ended the first time but he was always scared of being alone but he’ll jump from her to me – not because he wants me, but because he won’t be alone. I just assumed this time around despite his feelings for me, he was always an asshole to me because he didn’t want to get attached & he didn’t give a fuck about the friendship, “You assumed wrong, sorry for being such a cunt to you” Um what the fuck… Is he ok?

He tells me how dumb I am for still talking to him after everything, I ask him if he really wants to know why & he says he knows why – he’ll just assume it’s because I love him, which is true but I kept my feelings aside & decided a while ago to just use him for sex, which is what he offers, nothing more, then he says “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this. You really want to tell me the real reason? Because I know it, there is only one reason a person sticks around this long and puts up with my bullshit, and leaves little sex crumbs of cookies all the time for me. And one that makes a person an idiot more than anything” he definitely thinks it’s about my feelings for him, which is obviously part of it. But what the fuck is he doing? As I am leaving the gym that night, he surprisingly says “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you“ Um, am I in an episode of the twilight zone?! What the actual fuck is going on here!

Despite saying he’s not going to be around much, he messages me a lot more than I expect & a lot more than some days he’s had full availability to talk to me. He says that I boggle his mind, but he is genuinely boggling mine… Is this some fucking dumb game he is playing? He has told me earlier “I’m a pretty Shifty and careful fucker, master manipulator and compulsive liar” These are all traits I know & I have been on the receiving end of his lack of empathy & manipulation a few times but what is his end game here? If I ask, he’ll say he’ll just missed me. But I’m sure there is some master plan here, I am just not privy to it.. I have told him it’s just sex for me, I made him just sex in my head for years but I do allude to the fact there is more there for me. That recently I felt a spark again. But I never say it. He logs off for the night & I expect that he won’t message for a few days or weeks, going back to the ‘regular schedule programming’ as he put it.

The next day, only 4 short days since I saw him (& has also fucked his wife in that time), he says “Just going to put it out there. Your a dumbass to still love me. And I know you doubt or question every thing from me. Whatever percentage left in your heart after everything, I think its fucking insane. But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had….our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like the anonamys app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away. But that’s enough about that. I hope your sexy ass has a good day at work. Chat sometime soon “ FUCK!

I know he’s offline so I take some time to respond… I tell him that I had decided that since I had him for sex, any time I have looked for a relationship online, I didn’t want to sleep with them right away & add to my body count, turns out, if you don’t have sex on the first date – even if it is a walk on the beach, you generally never see them again! & that is, if you can even get them to meet you! He reckons that women don’t use men for sex, but they really do. I mean I am not getting anything else from this man right now – am I? I get his body once a month & that’s it. He doesn’t give me a stimulating conversation anymore, he doesn’t challenge my mind at all, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I can’t ask him things like I use too because he logs off for weeks at a time, he doesn’t spend much time with me, but I am not getting anything physical from any other person, that I would just keep him in my life. Decompartmentalising has been my friend for years. I am the queen of squashing my feelings and hiding anything real from him.

I tell him that our problem was never about him setting expectations about our sex, he always told me when he only had a short time, so I would know that it isn’t just – as he says ‘wham, bam thank you mam’ however it’s always been that he never set the expectations with our chat. He doesn’t say goodbye or goodnight, leaving me hanging for weeks, mid conversation. It was the number one thing that pissed me off both during the first affair & the sole reason why the second affair ended like it did. He starts out acting one way & then either feels guilty about me or her or whatever & so he pulls away. Whatever the fuck reason, he sets the scene then he pulls away. I have made peace with the radio silence now after 5 years, at first I hated it but it is what it is, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I also am painfully aware that he is now opening up this dialogue for whatever reason & any day now he could change his mind again so I have to stay guarded.

But yet somehow, Alice is pulled down the rabbit hole, our bitmojis on snapchat are wearing matching clothes & mine is way taller than his, that I joke with him about it, this leads to a conversation of me wearing his t-shirt, only his t-shirt & fucking over the kitchen bench, it’s the first time in years that we stay up well past midnight together jerking off… Sending pics & being downright dirty. But I am still none the wiser about what the fuck is going on!

#IBD4U

February 2025

This month I discover an app that has replaced the anonymous app. It’s called something similar & looks almost identical, even being purple like the old one. I log on, thinking that surely, he has no idea about this app, but there is Marvel, with an exact replica post from the old app on the new app, two weeks ago, there is also one 4 months ago, 9 months ago, 10 months ago, 1 year ago & 2x from 2 years ago… Fuck me, 2 years!? I shouldn’t be surprised; this man always liked a chat with randoms. I know people say that he’s probably fucking other women, & let’s face it, he probably is & I have no doubt would if he could but I don’t really believe that he is currently. But I guess it’s just a bit of a shock that he’s been on here for 2 years & quite obviously exactly like he was on the other app, no disguising, thinking that I would never find it. I guess I may have it I had of gone looking for a similar app 2 years ago.

The only reason this upsets me is because I am here, free to chat. Free to converse with this man & here he is trolling to chat to other women, not for the love or so he can cheat, it really just fills a void in his marriage that was there long before they got married or I met him… I just get hurt because why doesn’t he want to chat to me? I get that we get sucked in, but why doesn’t he chat to me just a little more regularly? I guess it’s probably smart to keep his distance. But of course, I have to, don’t I – so I send a message on this new app & he never replies. I forget about the app a lot so forget to check it on it but when I do, he hasn’t posted again or replied to me.

Our schedules don’t match up a lot, so it’s the end of February before I see him again. Well they would have 100% lined up if he talked to me more or came online more, but being that he keeps his distance, it makes it hard to organise. He, of course always blames me for being a temptress & enticing him but doesn’t take long before I arrange to work from home again & he comes over, I have found my little slut choker & so I put it on, while searching for it I find my gold little glo mesh top which I put on with some black panties & I’m kneeling on the bed when he walks into my room, with him catching a glimpse in the mirror when he walks up the hallway. Even though I am fatter than I have been in a long time since he’s fucked me, I am feeling confident & I want him to feel it today. I undress him & while kneeling on the bed, I bend down to suck his cock.

We talk about him jerking off & what he thinks about – I am interested if he pictures it like a movie or more like I do & I picture that he is with me, when my hands touch me, I pretend they are his. He says that he is more like a movie for him, that he just thinks about me & jerks off. I love hearing that he pictures me, he doesn’t say every time, some times he watches porn & just jerks off, other times he watches porn & thinks about me doing whatever he’s watching to him & he jerks off. I find it so intriguing, I know people have jerked off thinking of me, because they’ve told me, but I love hearing that he is doing it even when he barely speaks to me.

Today he lets his guard down more than usual, in fact more than he ever has in this third time around – what is that all about? He hugs me which he doesn’t ever usually do after sex anymore. Like not just hugging but he runs his hands all over me & holds me tightly, like a proper snuggle. I like it but its weird… So unusual for him & I wonder if he is going to tell me he’s dying, because I’m so used to the ‘don’t get close to me’ mantra he told me constantly at the start. He talks a lot about his Facebook group & how much money he is making from it. Good for him. I’m so fucking jealous that my blog never made me money. But he has way more followers than I ever did or could hope for. When holding me, he tells me that he has made some videos & he took my advice (which I don’t really remember giving but I’ll take it), using his own voice to narrate it rather than AI. I am a smug bitch when he told me post coital, that it’s because of me that he had the courage to do it, that I am so glad he couldn’t see my face! He says that I gave him the confidence to do it – he does a smooth buttery voice, but I might be bias. Anyway after he leaves, I do end up stalking the page to see a video or two (ok, perhaps I watched everything I could find, even if they aren’t really on a topic that interests me that much, I love finding out info on topics that are interesting to him). His voice sounds good & he does a good job narrating the videos.

He was at mine for 2.5 hours, another weird thing because he normally rushing off when he cums saying to me to get back to work, however today, even though we fucked twice, he didn’t cum. He stopped himself from cumming then got up after we fuck the first time & the snuggle & said that he needed to piss that’s why he didn’t cum, he gets up to go to the bathroom, I think he’ll pick up his clothes & leave when he comes back to the bedroom (because he usually does), but he doesn’t, he gets back on the bed with me & snuggles again. We chat about my work because fucking hate this HR job & he supports me with the suggestion that I should probably stay there if I am settled & it’s not that bad – no one likes their work. But then again, I am not also making $1000 per week off Facebook. I do want to refinance & be settled a bit so I am not job hunting constantly, I will settle into this role a bit. He also tells me that his wife is now taking a weight loss injection & using the money he’s making from Facebook for it. He says that she wasn’t ever interested in the page until it started generating income.

He mentions something about our first meeting & we talk about my garlic breath, & he says that it was the sexiest fucking thing when I grabbed his dick & pulled him into my bedroom. I don’t remember leading him with his dick, but he said multiple times (not just today) that I did it & he remembers how sexy it was. I mean it does sound like something I would do now with him, but back then I’m not so sure.

Later that afternoon, he chats online more than usual, I tell him that he should record my erotica stories for me, his voice is so sexy but he says that he won’t – I secretly hope that he does & sends to me for a sexy treat, but it’s Marvel so I won’t hold my breath… I sent him a screenshot of one yesterday for another reason, so I hope that he will… The next day despite having told me he is busy (my biggest pet hate for people to say – you are not busy, you just aren’t prioritising me), but he chats more than usual again – I somehow tell him the story of Boyfriend & valentines day when I had the tiniest shred of confidence with him & he shattered it in an instant, I dressed in a nightie & waited in the bedroom with a beer for him & he laughed a weird laugh like what are you doing, then laid down & went to sleep. It was embarrassing & I have bad body confidence at the best of times, so the fact that he just laughed it off really cut me deep, I think still to this day.

Marvel tells me that one of his favourite qualities is our friendship & honesty, but it also boggles his mind why I still fuck him. Is he fishing for me to tell him I have feelings for him? Surely after all this time he can still see it in my eyes as I can see it in his? & surely after 5 years of this third affair,  he isn’t fishing for feelings? I ask why & he says “Because I have broken your heart multiple times, intentionally created distance in our friendship, and have multiple flaws in my personality (that I have always admitted Including my narcissistic traits and lack of empathy)” He also tells me that it scares him every time he comes back online, I ask why & he says “But I have intentially over the years purposely neglected our friendship online and in text form to stop either of us becoming co dependent on each other , and also selfishly for me just waiting for the day ‘hey Marvel, I’ve meet someone and I really want to make it work and for the time being we can’t see each other’ or however the fuck way you plan on wording and telling me you can’t have amazing sex with me” I am always scared that he will tell me that she knows & he can’t see me anymore too… He will 100% dump me without a second thought, again, I am not that delusional. He’ll log off & I will have no way to contact him & he’ll ghost me.

I do think about him actually choosing me, not because she finds out or because she leaves him, but because he chooses me. This is weird though, he is being so weird & I can’t figure out why or what is going on but something is different… I guess he picks up on it too because he tells me that he’ll stop being weird now – ironically, he doesn’t, the shit just gets weirder!

#IBD4U

January 2025

There are little moments in time where I think stupid shit. I don’t talk about this often, or ever really but every now & then, more often than I care to admit I imagine that Marvel is in my life as my real partner, coming home to me, in bed next to me, doing mundane things like mowing the lawn or washing clothes, even packing the dishwasher. Sometimes it feels so real that I am disappointed when he doesn’t actually walk through the door, or he doesn’t come up behind me kissing my neck or even as Boyfriend used to do when I was bending over packing the dishwasher, he’d come up behind me & dry hump me – I used to think it was weird when Boyfriend did it, not knowing this was a normal thing, but I’d give anything to have a mundane everyday experiences with Marvel like this.

It’s disturbing how often I think about it, particularly lately since we barely talk about anything & obviously I never get it. I don’t want a happy ending, an ending means the end… I want the happy in between, will I ever get the in between with Marvel? When he doesn’t talk to me for weeks on end, it’s hard to think that we even had anything at all, he doesn’t think about me, he doesn’t have feelings for me, maybe he never did… I question this a lot as you know…

But oddly, I wrote the above bit before this. It’s his 40th birthday, I send him a message despite him not being online for over 2 weeks over the Christmas/new years period – as usual, I am not surprised, I want him to know – just like he let me know with the citronella candle incident that I do care about him & am thinking about him. I don’t show it as often as he does, that’s for sure, keeping my cards always close to my chest because I have to protect myself as he dictates when we speak & see each other. So I say happy 40th & send a snap of me exposing myself from my little silky white dressing gown saying that I hope I can still make his old cock twitch. He doesn’t come online so he doesn’t get his birthday message & my mind wanders to the fact he’s probably getting birthday sex from her & I’m far from his mind. Why would I be in his mind when he is getting hot, kinky sex from the woman he married?!

Yet when he comes on the next day – just as he did last year, he says ‘OMG it did. I jerked off to the thought of fucking you this morning’ Well it was a sexy video, or perhaps he means before? I ask before or after watching the video & when he says ‘before’ I smile which surprises me. So maybe he does think about me when he’s not talking to me? Maybe he didn’t get even mediocre birthday sex? I just don’t think about that, because he’s quite clearing wanting to keep the distance, not only did he set the precedence very early on in affair 3 to chat so sporadically, you can’t really call it chatting but he also doesn’t communicate with me much via text that it’s clear to me what I am to him, I’m just the woman on the side who give him the best sex he’s ever had.

I know the thought of someone jerking off about them is somewhat creepy, but these are the things that remind me that this guy is not over me – albeit it might just be about sex, but he thinks about me, even when he’s not replied. He told me so many times during the second affair that he held back a lot & I know that he is holding back even more now, which is why he doesn’t message me often because he is keeping the boundaries up. I get that I hurt him when I ended it the second time but too bad, he fucking destroyed me the first time. I make no apologies for hurting him while saving myself, he didn’t give a fuck about hurting me, I’d do it again in a heartbeat to save myself.

You know what song comes to mind – I hate everything about you by Three Days Grace, I fucking hate this guy, why would I think about a future with him? Because ‘I hate everything about you, why do I love you?’ Why do I? Because he leaves me these little nuggets to keep me interested? To keep me hanging? Is it intentional or does he mindlessly do it?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you
I know
Only when you stop to think about me
Do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Adam Gontier / Neil Sanderson / Brad Walst / Gavin Brown

I Hate Everything About You lyrics © Emi April Music (canada) Ltd., Noodles For Everyone, 3 Days Grace Publishing

The last week of school holidays & the last week of January, when he tells me that he can sneak to see me lunchtime on Saturday – normally I have clients for my little hobby lash business, but given it’s a long weekend, I booked everyone around the days so I could have a 3-day weekend myself. I never fully believe that he is going to come over, I mean he’s bailed before so I never count my orgasms until I am having them, hahaha!

I wake up around 7:00am when I see that he is typing on snapchat, I look at it & he says “I woke up hard thinking about fucking you today” fuck. He never says things like this… I lay in bed for a while before I go get the dirt for my lawn & come home. I want to be in gym gear for him today – I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s been a while since he saw me in it or because it’s what I feel good in these days. The morning seems to be taking forever, I unload half the dirt, chatting to him on & off over the day – mainly about not kissing (our usual little thing we say that we aren’t going to do but always end up doing! Such a dumb threat). Once it gets close to lunchtime, I go inside to relax a bit to cool down being he’ll finish work at 12:00 pm. But at 12:10 pm, I get a message saying he’s 5 mins away, FUCK so I sort the dogs out & wait to meet him.

I don’t hear him pull up, but I hear my door open & I go down the hallway to meet him & instantly stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. Fuck. Well that didn’t go well! I take him to my bedroom & I undress him, still fucking kissing him even though he’s laughing at me, I say fuck you & he grabs me tighter, kissing me more… I lean into the kiss & am kissing him back taking off his shirt & unbuckling his pants. I am kissing him more than I planned, so I turn him around & push him back on the bed, sucking his cock deep with just my mouth, his vocal about how good it is, when I open my eyes, I realise he is wearing something on his other wrist, usually he has the watch that I gave him that I got for free when I got a phone & on the other wrist, it looks like a fit bit. I don’t get a good look at but later I realise it’s like a leather band that he probably got for his birthday- from her but I don’t really know what it is. Later, I also notice a ring on his other hand, I guess it’s probably a Christmas or birthday present? It’s more like the type of wedding ring I would have expected him to wear if we got married. I put them both out of my mind.

I climb on him, as he kicks off his shoes & I ask if he is ok with me dry humping his cock in my gym pants – this has been my porn fetish, if you remember that I have been watching a lot of recently. I’ve shared this with him before too, so he says that it’s hot & he like me in gym pants. After I’m done dry humping him in pants, I take off my gym pants, he takes off my bra & I rub my panties over his cock so much so that I am close to cumming… But before I do, I pull my panties to the side & slip his dick inside me. I ride him & I am quickly building & he grabs my tits & I cum hard, so hard on his cock. I am panting & huffing, trying to gather my breath that I fall in a heap on his chest with his cock still inside me, him pumping his hips from below me.

He fucks me a little from underneath, pulling my panties up to make them rub on my clit – I find out later that he has a little pantie burn on his cock from them rubbing him. It’s not unusual for him to pull my panties up to use them as a method to torture my clit, I lean back & let him do it for a bit longer before I climb off to take off my panties & he goes down on me. He makes me cum then fucks me hard & quickly, he turns me over & fucks me from behind pulling my hair so tight before he fills my cunt with his cum.

Laying there afterwards, he tells me that he can’t stay long as they’ve left the kids home since they both went to work & being that he only works till 11:45am, but later he tells me he wrote till 2:00pm on the whiteboard so he could get to my house to fuck me. When I ask questions, I notice that he repeats everything I say after I say it, I’ve never noticed this as much as I did today. I wanted to ask about his eye/brain tumour, but I didn’t for some reason, probably because all the cum & air pushed up my vagina made a noise that sounded like a fart & I haven’t ever in all this time, farted in front of him with him knowing or hearing so I’ve been concentrating so hard on not letting the noise come out my vagina & not moving that I didn’t talk that much.

After he leaves, he texts me to tell me that it took him an hour to get home but it was worth it, I tell him that it’s lucky he wrote 2:00pm on the whiteboard! I don’t know why, but no matter when he messages me, particularly when he gets home, I catastrophise it & think that he is going to tell me that she knows & that she’s on the way to my house, which of course, those messages never come.

Thank fuck for that!

#IBD4U

December 2024

I don’t hear from him for a week, he had already set up a night at his house with me when his wife is away before we saw each other in November, so when I don’t hear from him after his scan, I automatically catastrophise – as I said I would, that he has gotten bad news & went into surgery – then won’t remember me or is unable to message me. But he finally comes back online & says that he had the scan & didn’t get the results yet so it can’t be that bad, that I start to relax about this diagnosis.

His wife is away both Friday & Saturday, I have my work Christmas party on Friday night but I don’t hear from him, expecting that he stalked my snapchat location & saw that I was in the city, so he didn’t bother to message me, not even the whole day even though she’s away. On Saturday I finally hear from him asking if I am free tonight, which of course I am.

He hasn’t said if he’s coming to me or if I am going to his house, I gather that she has just gone away without the kids so I say that I assume I’ll be going to him & that we’ll fuck on the deck again, I ask if I need areogard & he says “I lit some candles for you so you should be good.” I say “awww that’s sweet” & get ready to leave. He says, “its romantic unintentionally” Which I am so stupid – I just was thinking that he remembered that I was bitten last time & so he was lighting candles to stop that, not that it would be a romantic setting or that he was trying to be romantic, that I am reminded that this man loves me still. No man is lighting citronella candles & mozzie coils when they invite a random over to their house to fuck outside, unless they care. Even just a little.

I get to his house & let him know I am there. He meets me at the front door, & he says that it’s good the dogs didn’t bark. I kiss him as I try to walk inside, he grabs my waist pulling me back against him saying “I got hard just kissing you” – I am fine with this obviously, I reach back to grab his cock & tell him so.

We head outside & he’s got the tv on this time playing music & a few candles plus a mosquito coil burning. It’s like he’s been out here setting up as the couch thing we fucked on last time, as its seemingly covered in a blanket ready for us. He kisses me for a few minutes & fingers me, telling me I am so wet… He takes his shorts off & lays down, I am actually cold being it’s been so hot the last few days & now tonight it’s under 20 degrees but he tells me I will warm up soon & don’t need to take off the cardigan.

One of the things I love about when his dick is inside me, is that we talk… Is that normal? Do other people have normal conversations while fucking? Don’t get me wrong it’s not a ‘pick up the milk’ type conversation but it’s not always sexy talk – but general chit chat. I have no idea if this is usual cos I haven’t had a proper boyfriend that I felt comfortable to talk to during sex, even to tell them what I want. Mostly we do talk about sexy things & what we’re doing or what we want to do to each other, so things like him getting hard as I walk in the door or when I said that I had a nice view (meaning the scenery) & he said his was better one because I was on top of him fucking him, so I unbutton my cardigan & pop my tits out & he says exactly what I hope he will say that his view just got better.

I cum on top of him & then he moves to get on top of me, but pulls my knees apart & sucks my clit – he is good at this, don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy it – I don’t always cum from it but I always like it, but sometimes, like tonight, he gets it so fucking right that I can’t handle it. I am almost screaming out… Then he slips his fingers in & I can’t control it, I am squirting everywhere, so much so that I am squirting all over myself & I even get some on my face, before he puts his mouth back on my clit & I cum gyrating my hips into his mouth.

I fall to the side & he slides in behind me & fucks me sideways from behind. We talk about the tv & the fact he has cum on his beard. I start to rub my clit but he takes over & I cum so hard that I don’t even know where that orgasm came from, it was out of the blue & he kept going, that I say “I can’t see” he freaks for a split second before he realises that my eyes have gone blurry… How can this man still make my eyes go blurry after all these years.

He gets on top of me this time, fucking me – there aren’t a lot of moments with Marvel that I am reminded he loved me (probably still loves me in some way) but when I say something about him not fucking me for months (as a bit of a exaggeration joke) he reminds me that he fucks me monthly & the last time was two weeks ago. I continue this joke of it being so long since we fucked that he says something that makes me believe that he keeps track of how often we fuck, not quite like I do in this journal blog, but he remembers that it’s monthly… It reminds me that he cares in some way – maybe I am naive, maybe he just likes my vagina, but I’m pretty sure that he likes more than that – even after all this time.

It makes him fuck me harder, maybe to shut me up, maybe because he’s close, but he cums inside me, getting quickly off me & lays next to me where we chat. I can barely move my legs that I tell him he has to carry me to the car – not that I mean it but fuck I really don’t think my legs will work. I sit on the edge of the couch & he gets up & gets dressed sitting in a chair next to me, when he asks me what I think of the new Linkin Park stuff – they have just appointed a new lead singer who is a chick. I tell him that I like their new stuff with her but she can’t replace Chester & shouldn’t be singing their other songs as I don’t think she can pull it off – just my opinion though, which pretty much mirrors his opinion.

One other thing that that stands out that night, is that I have a drink bottle bag & I took it with my water because it fits my keys & phone in the front pocket, knowing that we were going to be outside, I didn’t want to lose anything on the decking – decking usually has gaps in it for the wood to move. I’m not really sure why but he brings up my drink bottle twice. Does he repeat things because he is nervous & doesn’t want an awkward silence? Or does he repeat things because I don’t give him the response he wanted – which is the reason why I repeat things, I want a certain reaction & I don’t get it, so I repeat it.

When I leave, I expect a message on the way home, but do you know what I’ve realised, I wait for him to message almost every time after we fuck. I am stubborn so I drive home & sleep without a message from the man who just made me cum so many times that I struggled to stand. He messages a little the next day when I say that I slept so well last night. I remind him a week later when he comes back online that he was supposed to carry me to the car. He says that I got to the car just fine, I ask how he would even know he didn’t watch me. “One minute you’re lighting candles so I don’t get bitten, next minute you may as well just push me down the stairs…” He says that he has his nice moments. But then he doesn’t come back online for another 2 weeks, then it’s the end of the year. I don’t hear from him again in 2024.

#IBD4U

November 2024

I have a plan for our sex today, I’d talked about what I wanted to do, I wanted to frustrate him because he didn’t kiss me when he got into my car at his house last time, so I want to tease him & frustrate him & not kiss him. The last time I saw him, he just got in my car & started barking orders – as I knew he would – about where to park… he didn’t lean over & kiss me, he barely touched me in the car – even though later he tells me that he was hard, he did touch my leg a little. But today, he is in my door not more than 5 seconds & we are kissing, him pressing me hard against the wall, then he gives me shit about telling him I wouldn’t kiss him but I am kissing him back… Fuck you.

I take him to the bedroom & show him my sexy green lingerie that I can pop my tits out of & ask him if he likes it, which he does. I make him sit in the chair & I get out a vibe & tell him because I haven’t tied his hands like I was planning – as I was going to be wearing a dressing gown when he got here & I would’ve used the strap from that to tie his hands together, but I was running late so he was at my house before I was, so we ended up walking in the door together.

In the chair, he is naked & I tell him that he can’t touch his cock & I grab the vibe & climb onto the bed, on my knees & start playing with it, but I tell him that every time he touches his cock, I will stop playing with myself. I start gyrating on the bed with the vibe & he reaches for his cock & I pull away the vibe. (the vibe I have turns off when not on skin contact, so he knows it’s off) he puts his hands back on the chair & I start teasing myself again, I lean back & close my eyes, as I look back at him, he’s swiftly moving his hand off his cock & I ask him if he’s being naughty.

When he says yes, I get up & stand over him with the vibe against me & air fuck my vibe while standing over him which he reaches for my tits, but I can’t stop him because I want it. I want his hands on me & he knows it. I tease him like this until I can take it no more & lower myself on him, but the chair is squeaking so I tell him to get on the bed. I pick the vibe back up & start straddling him with the vibe & he says “not this again” I know he loves it, but he wants to be inside me. I slide down on top of him & he makes a noise like I haven’t heard him make before. I fuck him hard until I am cumming multiple times. Even though it feels like he is close, he doesn’t cum & it’s getting later in the day (I am later than I thought I would be, so we started later) & I am getting tired so I flop down next to him.

I am laying sort of on his chest, we don’t often hug after sex anymore – it’s too lovey dovey, I guess for him – he either doesn’t want to do it for himself or he doesn’t want to do it to give me the wrong idea. Either way he barely touches me when we aren’t having sex but he doesn’t always rush to get up either. I don’t mind, I think it’s good to keep a friendly relationship here but not too friendly. I usually lie close to him but today because of how our bodies fell after sex, I am cuddling him a bit, more on his chest than not. His arms are not on me, his legs are straight out, I am cuddling him but there is no reciprocation. This isn’t unusual if we do cuddle or I do lie on his chest, he doesn’t often put an arm around me or touch me. Not like the old days where our bodies were so intertwined after sex, you couldn’t tell whose limb was whose & he couldn’t stop rubbing my body & tickling my skin. Every now & then his hand will rest on my leg or whatever, but there is no real cuddling, but having said that there is not physical affection, maybe I am dreaming, but I do feel the desired affection that he holds back.

As we lay there, we chat, I am conscious of the time & thinking that I need to do some work but as much as I don’t want to get emotionally involved with this man again (even though I actually am) I am reminded that this is all the affection that I get from any man & that I will lap it up while I can. So as we lay there, I don’t even know how it comes up but I tell him about my dad’s heart attack this weekend– he genuinely asks if dad is ok, showing actual interest in that side of me, maybe he remembers that I am close with my dad & then Marvel tells me that he has a mass on his brain that is a tumour.

It hits me like a ton of fucking bricks – he has a brain tumour? FUCK. What does this mean? Will he die? Honestly, the selfish me, thinks more about me than it does about him. The more he talks, mostly repetitive chatter about how he’s not as well as he thought he was & that he’s lost vision, that his glasses made it worse & that he’s googled the tumour type & read some horror stories about surgeries that makes him worried that he won’t be him after the surgery. It’s a repetitive track of antidotes that he says a couple of times each.

I obviously have a million thoughts, of course I think about him leaving her to be with me because life is short – he’ll want to be with me, right? Will I want him if he’s dying? I also think that if he dies that no one will ever tell me, I may never know. One day I will just be messaging a dead man’s snapchat wondering if he died or just stopped talking to me. I ask if anyone knows about me, which he says they don’t, so I say that I may never know if he dies. For the first time in a long time, he wraps an arm around my shoulder & his legs over my legs saying not to stress that his tumour isn’t cancer, that he’s not going to die.

He says that he will probably have to have some sort of surgery, because he’s had vision loss for a while in one eye & there is a mass behind his eye – so not his brain? Still scary but he says that he’s read a lot of stories, mostly bad ones because I say no one posts the good stories, do they? But he says that some people have changed when they have had surgery, oddly he brings up autism – is that a thing? I mean he has undiagnosed something ,it could be autism, it could be ADHD but there is something there with him that’s for sure.

So what if he has surgery & he does change? Doesn’t recover properly? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Worse, what if he doesn’t remember me? Doesn’t know me or what we had anymore? I can’t even help but think – what if he does leave her & I finally get my public time with him & he fucking dies on me? Carrie Bradshaw who?! I ask again how I will know anything about what happens to him & he says he’ll tell me, but I remind him that he can’t message me once he’s dead. He squeezed me a bit tighter & said he’s not going to die & that I can read it in the paper when he dies. Um dude, no one reads the obituaries just to see if their married ex-boyfriend who is still their lover has died. So, I tell him that I’m glad he at least told me face to face – because can you imagine how much I would have catastrophised that if he told me via snapchat then logged off for days/weeks at a time. I would have spiralled & thought about him dying, thought about him having surgery & then having memory loss & forgetting me all together.

There are so many questions running through my head – all about me of course… Little miss self-involved.

Will I ever know if he dies?

Will she come find me? To tell me? To rub it in my face?

Why am I thinking at all that this is even about me?

#IBD4U

October 2024

I started a new job finally in mid-September, this is not a flexible job where I can just leave & have sex & make up the time later without asking my boss or at least letting her know my every movement or leave on my lunch break – taking longer & pretending I am at a meeting, then working later that evening like I have been able to do at other jobs, always making up the time. I am chained to the desk & I hate it – not only because I can’t have sex when I want & when he is available, but I am not used to it. I want to be out & about on the road & doing different things. I also hate that the team has a chat & they all say good morning & goodbye everyday – they are all paranoid about not being available on teams. I refuse to partake in this, our boss barely ever works from our office, more often than not working from home at least 3-4 times per week, but we can only work from home once per fortnight & even that is a bit hit & miss, so if she wants to know where I am or when I log on, she can come into the fucking office & see! I am not saying hello & goodbye when the team is right fucking next to me.

Marvel & I luckily caught up in September before I started this job, but after that, I have been genuinely unsure when I will be able to get away to see him again during the day, plus it’s school holidays – he never sees me in the school holidays, in fact he barely talks to me in school holidays, if at all. So, I am surprised at around 9:00pm the night before that he says he can see me tomorrow morning, so I start thinking of excuses to go in to work late, but he says he’ll come to me about 6:00 am. Which of course I jump at because I love morning sex & him sneaking in my bed but he says that it’ll have to be quick – I don’t know how he is going to see me in the morning, I don’t ask, but I assume it’ll be because he’s at the gym before she goes to work then will come to take the kids to school & she goes to work? I don’t know, I don’t care.

I set an alarm for 6:00am, thinking that he’ll get here after 6:00am, but luckily, I randomly wake up at 5:30am to see a message from him 10 minutes ago that he’s on his way. Fuck. That means he’ll be here shortly; lucky I woke up because he is way earlier than I thought he would be. I get up to unlock the door & sort the dogs out, then I jump back into bed, snuggling down into bed knowing I won’t sleep now but wanting to be sleepy when he fucks me – I can’t even remember the last time he snuck into my bed like this. He pulls in my driveway as the sun is rising over the hills at 5:45am.

There is no sneaking in, he’s loud as usual when coming in the front door, the dogs bark but they are in their crates, I hear him walking down the hallway, I know he is getting undressed, so when he slips into bed with me, I expect his boxers to be on, because that’s what he usually does which don’t ever stay on long, but today he has them off when he snuggles into spoon me. I make a comment about him being naked so quickly, he says he doesn’t have long. Fuck I’ve missed that feeling of him in bed with me, naked. Rubbing me all over. Kissing me from behind, with his super minty breath. We have quick, hot, rough, sex where I cum multiple times but as soon as he cums, he gets up quickly, dressing & is out the door by 6:15am. Jeez mate, that really was quick. I mean I have to get up for work anyway, so it’s not like I can hang around all day, but a fucking little cuddle wouldn’t hurt you.

He did tell me at some point, probably while we were fucking – it seems to be the time what we have proper conversations, that he left the kids home in bed as they don’t get up till after 7:00am so he’ll be home before they wake up & take them to school. I’m assuming she left at 5:00am because that would give her time to be in front of him? I don’t know, I don’t ask much about it. God knows what time she starts because she doesn’t work that far away but is in the suburb I grew up & used to always start at 8:00am except when she worked late on Monday nights. So I mean he would have basically had to follow her to work, or did he drop her off? What if she pulled over or forgot something & went home… I don’t know, I don’t care, not my problem! But he messages me when he gets home at 7:10am saying that the kids are still asleep and so I cheekily say that he should’ve fucked me twice. He said he didn’t want to risk it but he would just tell them he went out for bread. I was like, what about when you don’t walk in with a shopping bag, but he logs off without a trace. Shocker.

---

I don’t hear from him for another 2 weeks, it’s unlike him to message me later at night on a weeknight that she isn’t working late, it’s usually Mondays, but today is Thursday, its like 7:00pm or so, so not extremely late, when I can only assume that everyone is in bed, at a time he doesn’t normally message, I write back, I always write back – always available. Like a fucking loser. He mentions that his wife is away tonight & I say that he should’ve told me & I could’ve come had sex with him in his driveway. He says that his son doesn’t go to sleep till after 10:00pm, (he’s probably 10 years old?! Shouldn’t he be in bed earlier?!) so I assume it’s a no go, so I don’t press the issue.

Anyway, I am doing lashes, so I am not able to write back quickly but if this is going to happen, then it’s important I write back fairly quickly or he’ll just log off & he won’t talk to me for weeks. To my surprise, he’s keen, constantly replying & I am invited to his house, once he has confirmed that both kids are asleep, I am on my way quicker than I care to admit when he lets me know I can head over. I am in a little summer dress, no underwear so it’s easy access for car sex, that will probably be really quick. I arrive at his house at 10:15pm after sitting at all the red lights for the night roadworks that are frustrating me being that all I want is Marvel inside me. Why does that always happen, when you want to get somewhere the traffic lights just say ‘nup, you ain’t going anywhere!’

Before I leave my house, I had asked where he wants me to park, knowing that he’ll have a fucking conniption about noise or his neighbours seeing me or him. He tells me to not to park in the driveway as it’s gravel & his son’s room in right there. It’s not like I was going to drive the whole way down, just at the top by the road. I doubt it would be that noisy – he lives there so obviously it is noisy, but anyway, I always do as I am told though – fuck knows why.

It’s a humid stormy night, there has been rain, there is a warmth in the air but a cooler breeze. I pull up over his driveway & let him know I am there. He jumps in my car after a minute or so, but doesn’t kiss me, I tell him that his neighbour’s door is wide open & they could probably see us on the road, so he tells me to drive, muttering something about people still being up so late. I ask where we should go, thinking that he wouldn’t want to leave the kids home alone & the fact that if I just pulled in a car length into the driveway, we’d be in the dark from the streetlights because of the trees & it wouldn’t be that loud on the gravel, not like I’m doing a burnout in the fucking gravel.

But I drive around the block & he doesn’t find anywhere suitable, so he says fuck it, we’ll just fuck on his deck outside at his house. I don’t think it’s a good idea, so I keep driving & find a space that I think will be good, but he doesn’t like it, of course, so I keep driving. I mean the funny thing is, this is a man who’s fucked me in a carwash in broad daylight, who’s cable tied me & fucked me over the bonnet of the car at a train station car park & in the car so many times on the side of the road out the front of peoples houses… So, I don’t get why this is so hard to find a place he’s going to be comfortable with, so when he suggests his deck again & I just think, fuck it, I want sex & we could be driving around all night before we find somewhere to fuck. I head to his house, but of course not without him telling me explicitly not to park in the driveway. Okay Marvel, calm yo titties.

The inside of his house looks the same but different. There are some new pieces of furniture, it’s still a mess, untidy & unorganised, not dirty & gross but just a small house with four people living in it. That it’s just a lived in home with too much furniture, I don’t notice much around the house because I am quickly ushered outside on to their new deck. He has recently received some inheritance & they spent it on a semi enclosed deck off the side of their house. It looks good. Even though I have just done a similar (much bigger) at my house a few years ago, I don’t know why I feel a bit jealous. I guess because every time they do something to the house etc, I realise that I am not part of his life in that way, that I have to do all that stuff on my own & I always picture them struggling financially (because of what he told me in affair number 1) so to see this awesome deck with a TV & fridge, all similar to what I did except mine is steel & concrete, makes me a little sad that he continues to live his life with her.

The deck is typical for them, cluttered & unorganised, it matches the inside of the house even though it’s new. There is a BBQ, an outdoor setting, a fridge, a TV, some solar lights & a couch type outdoor furniture, that I ask how many times he’s had sex on – because let’s face it, if this was my renovation, we would have fucked on it multiple times already. He says that he hasn’t & I sort of wish I didn’t ask – I don’t know why I did, because if he said yes, what the fuck would I have said? & I really don’t want to ask questions that make him lie to me.

We kiss once he’s shut the dog inside & made sure that the curtains are closed behind the door. I push him back towards the couch that is a little damp from the rain, but it doesn’t faze us. I climb up onto the couch, kneeling to straddle him; I want to tease him & kiss him, but something happens & his cock slides fully inside me. It catches us both off guard, because it was so unintentional, I mean I know he’s slipped in me easily, but never ever like this. He asks instantly if he’s inside me & as I move a little, I realise that he is actually fully inside me, so we start fucking.

He pops my tits out of my summer dress, sucking my nipples as I ride his cock, that I am cumming so hard & grabbing his shirt, that he hasn’t taken off, so tightly that I am sure it’s strangling him, but I don’t even care. The night air is intoxicating, the smell of rain, the smell of him, feeling him touch me, the stars peeking through the gaps in the clouds. I don’t even know how many times I cum, obviously trying to be quiet as we fuck under the stars for the first time in what seems like forever.

He flips me over to fuck me from behind, I love how hard he can fuck me in this position, but I am always reminded that this is the way he fucks/fucked his wife a lot… I am now too in my head that I won’t cum with him this way, but I am enjoying it once I clear my head. We lay on the couch for a while but now I am acutely aware that I am getting bitten by mosquitos. I haven’t been here long but this line we’ve crossed – that we’ve crossed before, brings me back to reality & I pull my dress down over my ass & up covering my tits & get up to leave. We kiss goodbye at the door, I don’t know why because I am happy but the feeling of melancholier washes over me on the drive home. Maybe because he doesn’t message me one the way home, I wait for the message that makes me smile every time on the drive, knowing he is thinking about me. But this time it doesn’t come.

I message him the next day which he replies but I don’t get much from him – what a surprise. I send him a snapchat of all the mozzie bites on my leg. It takes over a week for him to respond to the message & say that he should have lit some citronella candles.

So a stupid side story – My best friend got engaged around my birthday on her birthday, I am so happy for her, I have helped a little with planning the wedding, it will be a small intimate wedding. I am drafting designs of the wedding invites, thinking that I will probably never be designing my own – the only person I want to marry, I will never get to marry, not only because he is married to someone else, but because marriage means fucking nothing to him. As Marvel’s 5-year wedding anniversary approached & his wife was interstate, so he took no time in taking the opportunity to invite me over his house, sneaking me in & out the back to their newly built deck area while his kids were asleep. Marriage means nothing to him. But fuck me, there is something inside me – maybe my age now I’m 43, where I can’t stop thinking about marrying him. WHY? Is it because now I’m not taking the ADHD medication my brain won’t switch off? Is it because I’m helping plan a wedding? Is it just because I’ve never seen a future with anyone else? Oh how much I want to be married to him. -I doubt at this point I would ever bother changing my name with anyone but I fucking want his last name, I want our names to match. Fucking hell… He already gave his name to someone else… He doesn’t give a fuck about marriage, why do I?

#IBD4U

September 2024

He tells me one day that this favourite position of all time is when I am on top with my tits out – I have to push from my mind any thoughts of his wife being on top… Fuck I hate when I think about her. It’s more often than not that I think about her, particularly when he fucks me doggy style, probably why I hardly ever cum that way. Why do I think about her at all? I don’t know her…

I am working my last 2 weeks at the temp job which I have turned from a receptionist to a project consultant role, which caused them to keep me a bit longer, but I got a proper job thank goodness, so I go to Melbourne for the Thirty Seconds to Mars concert then I will be back to start my new full time job. Because it’s the end of the job & my boss is away, I just head in late while Marvel comes over after school drop off.

I plan on opening the door with no robe on but he’s at my house quicker than I realise, so he comes in & I have to rush around sorting the dogs out before I find him in the hallway & he pushes me aganist the wall, pulling open my robe & kissing me hard as his hand finds my clit to rub it then slips his fingers inside me. I am on tippy toes & glad for his strong arms around me because I lose balance easily when I am getting more & more turned on, close to cumming, it’s hard to remain standing.

We fuck in my bedroom, I have no sheets on the bed & he makes me squirt so much, that I am conscious of how wet the bed is. He messages me a few times after when I say that my room smells like sex, but he says that the more I squirt, the more it smells. I tell him that he is going to watch me cum just by me touching myself one day & then Marvel disappears for a week.

He just picks up the conversation from where it left off, talking about me teasing him & making him watch me from the chair, I tell him “Hmmm, yes I can if I tie your hands up, I can do whatever I want…. Just rub myself on your cock a little, poke my tits in your face & just rub my clit with my fingers, rocking my hips so I’m fucking my fingers on your lap…” I keep up this line of chat because I know it keeps him engaged & keeps him coming back online more regularly.

It works, I mean I may only get 1 or two messages per day, but he comes back online through September more than once a week. But mainly because I am working so hard to keep the sex talk going, so much so that he says that he’s frustrated just thinking about this scenario.

I wake up having a really vivid dream about him, which when I tell him, he of course asks me what it was about, “I woke up horny & wet obviously, so I rolled over rubbed your cock, you sort of woke up so I told you to stay asleep as I climbed on top of you & fucked you deep & slowly til I was cumming, then you flipped me over, taking me from behind hard & fast fulling my cunt with your cum.” He says that sounds fucking hot & I of course have cum to it. I’m sure that he will jerk off to the thought of it.

He asks me about my work situation, which I have just started the new job, I think this sexy talk I have been making sure is going on longer than it probably should, that he’s going to try to see me perhaps. I mean with this guy, who the fuck knows what he’s thinking. The half a dozen messages every second day are really just a full on tease that it won’t be long before he is working out when to fuck me again!

It’s a cheeky little game & it works every single time!

#IBD4U

August 2024

It’s my birthday week & it’s unusual for Marvel to message me every day of the week, but he has this week, I have been vague about when I am free this week because I am temping & if I don’t go to work, I don’t get any money, so it’s hard to to give up time for an interview & a time for sex. I do mention that it’s my birthday & I want a birthday fuck but he doesn’t ask what day or when.

When he suggests Thursday – I truly believe that he knows it’s my birthday but pretends he doesn’t know it’s my birthday – snapchat has a birthday reminder & it also puts a birthday hat on your bitmoji on the day… So, when on the day he says ‘you just wanted a birthday fuck’ which I reply that he was the one who suggested Thursday. Maybe he didn’t know & it’s just the little birthday cake next to my name on snapchat that he noticed this morning, but I like to think that he did know it was my birthday. I need to squash that type of thought because not only are we just fuck buddies & what fuck buddy knows their fuck buddies birthday, but he’s told me before that he’s terrible with dates so maybe he doesn’t but who cares I am about to get a birthday fuck, so I am not bothered if he knows or not – I would have told him when he got there that it was my birthday…. Plus, he did say happy birthday – sort of?!

I have a job interview in the morning in the city, so I meet him afterwards at my house – I do a lot of driving this day just because I am so desperate for sex & miss a day at my temp job to fit in fucking him, so this better be good! I mean let’s face it, when has it ever been bad? I wouldn’t be in this mess, 7 years later if it was ever bad.

He seems to take a while to get to my house once I say I am home, having messaged when I was leaving the city, so figured he would time it to be there when I get home, not wanting to waste any time & knowing that I have to go to another interview like an hour away from my house. I believe that doesn’t have notifications turned on this snapchat account, so he doesn’t know I’ve messaged & said I am on my way home from the city. He doesn’t look at it. This is not unusual, I don’t know why I even worry about it sometimes, this guy has always played it on his terms, for 7 fucking years I have never held the cards ever, so why am I surprised when he doesn’t look at my messages?

Even though we fucked for a significant amount of time & he hung out for a little bit afterwards, my only real recollection of this session is one of the most intense orgasm of my life… Yes you read that right – is this even possible at this point in this relationship with Marvel? How can things get better & more intense? I have no idea how but we started by kissing, I got on top & then I always slide down to suck his cock, when I realise it’s my birthday so I ask why am I sucking his dick, so I spin around & stick my cunt in his face, then lean back down to suck his dick. The ol 69 trick.

Now readers who are picturing me, may want to skip to the next paragraph, this position always feels good, but can be a bit of effort to both get the right spot, but he is getting the exact right spot on my clit – sometimes he can go a bit hard, it’s still good but when it’s softer like this, it is off the charts good… As he sucks & the way my legs are spread over his head, I am really open over his face that his mouth is on my clit but when he breathes out his breath, it’s right over my asshole… I am able to gyrate my hips with the motion of his tongue & mouth, getting into the same rhythm doesn’t always happen quite in sync, but this is just in the same motion, the right pressure, the breath on my ass that I am barely able to keep my mouth on his cock, I am moaning so hard telling him not to stop, which has basically now just turned into me sitting on his face backwards, there is no 69 because I cannot suck his dick. I cannot concentrate; my nipples are even rubbing on his hairy stomach which are increasing the sensation. He is relentless, reading my body like a book, like he always does but somehow more in tune today that usual, our rhythm is just right… me rocking back & forth on his face, his sucking the right spot on my clit, his breath caressing my asshole… Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, I cum so fucking hard & quickly & I keep cumming as he sucks on my clit a little harder.

I collapse to the side, barely able to turn back around, but I do & he isn’t done so he fucks me again which of course I cum, but I don’t think I will ever cum that hard again. Did turning 43 just intensify the orgasms? Or was it the birthday sex? Or was it that we just got the position right without even trying today? I can’t obviously remember every orgasm with Marvel – that would be impossible at this point, unless I wrote about every session straight after it happened, but fuck this one – maybe because it’s more recent, but honestly, most orgasms I’ve had to work for, like concentrate, get myself in the right position, really get out of my own head about how I look etc & then it builds up – are most women like that? Well, this one, I was just enjoying the moves, I wasn’t building, but it was feeling so good, then bam, I was cumming. Out of nowhere without even thinking about it. How the fuck does that even happen?

Ironically though Marvel talks to me a little afterwards, I initiate the conversation which isn’t usual, he will usually message me first after sex but I did because I still had jelly legs from that orgasm. He only sends 2 messages to me before he goes offline for almost 2 weeks. I think the things that hurt are the fact that I have literally had such an intense moment, with someone I stupidly am realising that I am still in love with, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe this is the way that he protects himself, maybe he didn’t realise how intense it was, I mean I didn’t shut up about it, so I’m sure he did know exactly how intense it was… Maybe I’m the idiot in love & he’s just here for sex…

We do finally talk about it through & says that because my ass was in his face & I’ve said that his breath was hitting my asshole, that he was considering licking it because it was so in his face. We’ve not rimmed each other at all, even after all the time, I know it’s not a first for him, but it would be a first for us together. He says that even though I stopped sucking his cock it was my birthday so he had to keep going & I remind him of how weak my legs were.

We have a discussion about how I want to fuck in the shower, logistically being I am munchkin & him being a giant, we are probably not going to be able to do it without some sort of slippery injury but I joke about him lifting me & he says that he’d give it a crack. It’s annoying cos at that time, I am pretty small – shortly after this, I put on about 13 kgs & feel awful about myself. I remind that if he just makes me feel a little bit good about myself, that I will be more confident & do anything that he wants me to do. Even then I tell him that it wouldn’t kill him to be nice to me, say something nice, but he doesn’t & hardly ever boosts my ego, unlike me who is boosting his ego every time we chat…!

#IBD4U

July 2024

While I am looking for work, it’s almost been a month of unemployment – again & I am sending out so many resumes & not even getting any calls at all. I am at an all-time low, I know I’ve said this before but this is just fucked. I have basically been looking for a job for a whole year due to the circumstances! Marvel asks how it’s all going & I say that it’s fucked & remind him that he thought he was the loser when he got made redundant. At least his was a genuine redundancy, my unemployment has been because my last two employers didn’t pass my probation for whatever fucked reason & I genuinely have no idea why, I can only speculate. But I am seemingly shit at work so I’m fired time & time again, I have no boyfriend & no prospects… I have no family (kids), I don’t have a lot of friends anymore. I am genuinely a loser. This is really an all time low in my life.

We talk about fucking in the car, which he says that he’s “dying” to do again, in public & in a confined space is hot. I agree & tell him he could come to my work, I am doing some temp work which I am earning half what I usually earn as a receptionist – I have no idea where we would even go but the idea is amazing & sexy. As a receptionist I am bored out of my mind & all the temp jobs I work at during this time, want to keep me (probably because they know I am worth double what they are paying & they are getting someone motivated to want to work.)

I have also been watching a bit of porn lately, I guess boredom of the unemployment, will do that to you. I’ve been looking at dry humping videos which really surprise Marvel but when I show him what I’ve been looking at, we have the longest conversation that we’ve had in a long time, albiet it’s all about sex & me waking him up riding his cock, but it goes on for a few days. What’s interesting about that, is I know sex sells, I’ve used it as a tool to get men to like me/want to be with me ever since I started having sex, Marvel is no different, the only way to keep his attention is through sex. No one wants the boring stuff.

Marvel says if he was asleep next to me & I woke him up by riding his cock, he’d pretend to be asleep for as long as possible to savour the moment. But he says that he wouldn’t be asleep for long. We talk about our most fucked up fantasies, I think mine is still the intruder fantasy, which he says isn’t weird but I think that’s just because we both have that fantasy. He tells me about a kidnapping fantasy which he’s never told me about before. He doesn’t have a van but would like to kidnap me then fuck me in the van with my mouth duct taped & hands cable tied. I think that is so hot, a little fucked up but remember it is consensual… & it’s just a fantasy not something either us would do in real life without consent.

Because it’s school holidays we don’t see each other but I am surprised at how regularly he is coming online, mainly I think to finish this conversation of sexy talk being that the night before I’d cum while chatting to him & showed him a picture of my sticky cum on my fingers. It’s weird when he talks consistently, he hasn’t done this in so long that it’s disconcerting. But I stupidly love it & want him to keep coming back online, so I keep the sex talk going, not bringing the conversation down with my unemployed loser life. But sex is the inky thing that keeps him coming back. He’s treating me like he does give a fuck about me, not just as a fuck buddy as someone you don’t need to bother treating with respect. But how tragic that I can’t show my true feelings to keep him interested, who am I kidding, he doesn’t respect or care about me. Yet, these type of multi day in a row conversations remind me of the good old times of the affair number one when he not only put in effort but he made me feel like I mattered to him.

When he rocks up at my house, we’ve had almost 2 weeks of consistent sexy chats that I am feeling sexy & wanted, I put on lingerie & my long knee high boots. I tell him that he knows where to find me. I am in my room waiting for him when he arrives. Because we’ve talked about it a lot, I make him sit in the chair & watch me use my vibe before I allow him to fuck me. We kiss passionately & I suck his dick while my vibe is still on me, making me grind against it. It’s hot & sexy.

Post coital, I tell him about Referee & how he’s offered me $2500 to fuck him. Marvel is surprisingly on board with me doing it, he even encourages it knowing I need the money & says that he would do it.  Marvel even suggests that I could maybe set it up to be the 3sum I’ve always wanted & get paid for it? Maybe Referee would enjoy watching me be fucked by Marvel. If it was easier to set things up with Marvel, I would have 100% done it with him, but we’ve not been able to set it up this whole time, so I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. Now that I have Marvel’s blessing, could I do it? I really don’t want too & if you’ve read the Referee story you know I don’t end up doing it.

Of course, though after the days & days of talking leading up to us fucking. I get 3 messages from Marvel before he logs off & waits for 5 fucking days to talk to me again. I shouldn’t be surprised at this, he gives me a little, gives me what he wants when he wants, then gets what he wants when he wants, then pulls back. He’s done it for years & this is why I just have to shut those feelings down… I am just here for the ride. I get no say as usual but that’s my fault, not his.

#IBD4U

June 2024

He gets glasses which he says make him look geeky, I think this is going to be another round of how cool I am & how uncool he is, like he did when we were together the first time, so I am apprehensive but I ask for a picture & he actually sends one to me, which is not his usual style so it surprises me, I barely ever get pics from him these days & if I do, it’s usually his cock but even that is very few & far between. He does look a little geeky, but cute geeky. His geek side is not something that bothers me about him, but something his wife teased him about, so he has a major complex about it. I tell him he doesn’t look geeky, but he looks older than me – an ongoing joke we have being that I am 2.5 years older than him. He of course retaliates saying that my skin is looking old, but he has some grey hairs. I tell him that I can’t be looking that bad because his cock is always hard around me.

So, it’s been a fucked few weeks – the incident with Trainer happens & I am fired from my job at 7:30am via a phone call while driving a work car to the office. I let Marvel know that I am off this week & next week, hoping there will be something good to come out of me being fired that I tell him I am close to coming to his work & fucking him in the car.

I am in a bad mood being I just got fired, again for the third time in my life & he’s been leaving me on read so much lately – well it’s not lately, he’s done this a lot over the years, it’s always pissed me off but I’m at work usually so I don’t either know or notice when he does it but of course I am bored & waiting for him to write back to me. Finally, he sets up a lunchtime fuck, but he messages just after 8:00am to ask if he can come after school drop off instead. I have slept in but wake up just before 9:00am so I message & say that I’ll just stay in bed, which I do but when he arrives the dogs break out of the kitchen & so I have to get up a rescue him, I put on a dressing gown & quickly get the dogs locked back in the kitchen – knowing he has a thing about my dog breed, a dog breed that’s not particularly known for being vicious but he mentions multiple times that he’s met some mean ones in his time. Literally most people tell me when they meet my dogs that they have never met my dog breed in real life. But for him, he’s met several & they’ve been vicious?! Sure whatever dude… Well, I guess there’s a strike against me for at least the next 10 years if he’s ever single…

Today he starfishes the whole session, he lays there while I do everything, he doesn’t get on top, he doesn’t go down on me, I ride him & I suck his cock, he cums inside me from underneath me – a big load. Its not like him at all to cum on the bottom but also not like him to not go down on me. But he later tells me that it’s hot me doing all the work for a change. I know that I do some of the work every time we fuck but he then usually gets on top & fucks me to finish. He will also usually go down on me or finger me at least. But it’s just me on top, fucking him, cumming & making him cum below. Its definitely hot, it’s certainly not as predictable. It was hot & steamy. & I feel like that spontaneity spark has come back.

#IBD4U

May 2024

There is literally no chat with him on this day but he is supposed to be coming over – his usual MO, he doesn’t speak to me much or at all on the morning if he has already planned to come over. He has organised the fuck session & then doesn’t chat in the morning to confirm or make sure I am still free. Imagine if I needed to bail, he wouldn’t fucking know… He could literally talk to me all day everyday while she’s at work but you can put money on it that on the day that’s he going to see me, he will not message hello or good morning. I am too stubborn to message him first, obviously, he is always up before me, so he should message me first but then I get a simple message “On my way now” & I send back “see you soon…” which I shouldn’t even bother as he doesn’t read my replies, he just rocks up so we literally could not say much less than that right?

We have sex, I suggest watching in the mirror, but I get self-conscious because of my hips – they have gotten so big since I had stomach surgery & now any time I put on weight, it doesn’t go to my stomach, it goes to my hips, legs & arms. I am self conscious, I struggle to cum, but of course I do because let’s face it, if I am riding him, then I am going to cum, no matter how much I try to stop it & I don’t think he could stop it if he tried…

There is something about our catch up today, I haven’t slept with anyone else or really dated anyone else in the last almost 18 months now so perhaps that why, it can’t be the witty conversation over text because that is non-existent at this point with him, we text only really about sex, we have sex & then we actually speak in person. But even our in person conversation isn’t that deep. We chat about my work, his work & nothing much else, I let my guard down sometimes over sharing, but I definitely never talk about how I feel about him or anything that would make this more that fuck buddies.

I don’t always have the best memory, so I wish that I wrote more notes & I wish I remember our post coital chats better, because today as he is laying there talking about fuck knows what, I am enamoured by whatever he is saying & I feel a tingle. This tingle isn’t in my clit, that’s satisfied (for now), this tingle is in my heart… FUCK. What the fuck is that about? What does that even mean? I can’t rekindle the feelings I had for this man, he will just shut me down, I am almost certain of that, remembering him spouting to me multiple times at the start of affair number 3 ‘don’t get too close to me’ so I am not sure what I am feeling, his wall is way up, he can log off for weeks without even a thought of me, mine is crumbling brick by brick with every word he’s saying & I don’t even remember what he fucking said, but I can’t get close to him again.

Let me be clear, I haven’t ever stopped loving this man per se, the variance of this love is usually based on the way he’s treating me, how much he’s online, what he’s saying, but I always love him & I always think of him as my best friend, even with this skerrick of a friendship he gives me. If you asked me, I would say I don’t have feelings for him, that I don’t love him. True I am not “in love” in the sense of the word but this man was my first love & I’m still fucking him like 7 years later, so of course there is love there… So I wish that I knew what he said this day to flick that switch. To make me walk away thinking that I am “in love” with him. Not as deeply as I was, but I can’t deny it anymore (pretty much since the Papa Roach concert I guess), that I love him & I am actively in love with him.

… Fuckity, fuck… I’m fucked.

---

Later that month, unprecedented by his standard but not of late I guess, Marvel is catching up with me again. Maybe he felt it too? Or am I just cooked? I don’t know what but we barely ever catch up twice in a month. Maybe he felt it? Don’t be stupid #IBD4U, you didn’t feel anything. I need to be emotionless, he did say ‘Don’t get close to me‘ so many times that it is imbedded in my brain. I can literally still hear it in my head… He keeps me at a distance because he is married & shouldn’t be seeing me, he doesn’t want to get caught, he doesn’t want to lose his family, doesn’t matter about me or my feelings. It’s about him, not about me. He doesn’t care how much this hurts me, he doesn’t care that I lost my best friend & the only way I can get a snippt of his time, is to do it on his terms & turn off any feelings I had or am having. I need to shut that shit down right now.

He comes over & within about 5 minutes I have cum three times, I then suck his dick because I can’t seem to keep cumming today. I suck it until he cums in my mouth, I lick it all up like a good girl that he likes, but then he gets dizzy & has a weird headache. He lays on the bed, I am careful not to touch him but offer him a drink & Panadol.

Our post coital chat today is mainly about his facebook page because he is now making a fair bit of money from it. He has been so sporadic posting with it, but now they are paying him for posts, he has taken a huge interest in it & posting really regularly. We chat about it a lot, when he gets passionate about a subject, you can’t shut him up about it. It’s quite cute & endearing. Fuck, I can’t find him cute… He isn’t cute, he isn’t anything. He’s just a fuck buddy I see for a monthly service & that’s it.

Remember, don’t get too close to him!

#IBD4U

April 2024

Interestingly, the only social media that Marvel is not blocked on is TikTok. I don’t know why I haven’t blocked him on there, but because his number is in my phone, he comes up on everything & I usually block him. But for some reason I don’t block him on TikTok. I don’t post a lot ever & if I do, it’s about my dogs. The night before we have planned to see each other, I get a notification that he has looked at my profile. This is the first time & it isn’t the last but it’s not often that he does look at it, but he does. But what the fuck is he doing? Why is he looking at it? Can she see it? Is it her? Oddly though, I don’t block him. I do however, ask him a while later if she has TikTok & stalking me on there, because she was obsessed with checking out my Facebook, so assuming she’d find me wherever else she could. He says that she watches reels on Facebook but not TikTok. I can’t find her under her name to block her. He is now blocked on there & LinkedIn since he told me he uses that too…

When he arranges to come over after his work, so around lunchtime for him as he works part time. I take my lunch break. Today he kisses me, really kisses me. His kisses are usually rougher & he’ll bite my tongue, which I like (kinda) but don’t love, today he kisses me, kisses me passionately. It’s different to his usual kissing. He kisses me deep & I even mention the next day that he kissed me different. He says that he didn’t kiss me differently. He also kisses all over, my tummy, my inner thigh, around my cunt, before he goes down on me, teasing me & making me beg him to let me cum… & I fucking begged. He never usually does the trail of kisses over my body, like hardly ever…

Look, I like to be teased to cum, or for him to stop kissing everywhere but my sweet spot. But I don’t like being so turned on I am begging him to touch me – well, maybe I do. It’s a love hate relationship. I fucking hate being teased, but fuck I love it!! But jeez I hate that he gets me to a point where I am begging for him. In the moment, I don’t even realise that I am begging, or so desperate from him to make me cum, it just comes out my mouth. I’ve never really talked during sex before & so with Marvel, when I beg him to let me cum or tell him I am cumming, it’s so involuntary. I don’t even realise I am doing it. I don’t think he minds at all!  He chuckles like a fucking prick when I am whining & begging for him to make me cum.

He isn’t at my house long this day so there isn’t a lot to write about because we also don’t see each other much in April & of course we chat for only a few messages each week – if that. The chat is mostly about him edging me when we saw each other.

One of the  most annoying things with Marvel is when he says to me “Are you able to work from home tommorow morning” & I reply, almost straight away – knowing that he might not be online for long so if I don’t write back quickly, I might miss the opportunity for him to see it. In this case I had to say no but of course I offer up another option, but he doesn’t read it for 2 days! How does he even know what I wrote?! What if I planned to stay home & organised it – because I have to tell my staff etc what I am doing, so I can’t just do it on a whim. Imagine if I planned to stay home & he didn’t rock up…

Fuck, no wonder why I get so angry & hate him so much. But of course, then my vagina calls his name, he comes back online & I crumble like a piece of paper. This is not the first time he’s done this & it isn’t the last either. Always on his terms, always when he dictates.

#IBD4U

March 2024

To set up a catch up in March, we literally send 6 messages since we last saw each other & then on the day we planned, we send only 2 messages. In total. Could he fucking say any less to me at this point?! Does he even care about me?! Do I even want to keep doing this? I tried to make it just sex, now that’s what he’s giving me? I do feel more when I am with him, like I feel like he cares for me, but fuck this guy gives me absolutely nothing outside of when he sees me, that I don’t know what keeps me coming back or him for that matter!

After the 8 messages each that we have sent in March, it is another fortnight before he speaks again, not chatting to me after we fuck at all. I wish I looked back then for the green dot on snapchat that says you’ve been online in the last 24 hours – because spoiler alert – he tells me later that he had been online – he was on snapchat fairly regularly but didn’t talk to me, just looking at my icon of a sent message & not reading it or replying – more about that later… Fucking wanker jerk.

So this day it was apparently was good sex because I supposedly said to him that I was more horny than usual & he says that he enjoyed it but who knows why I was more horny, maybe its because where I was in my cycle, I have no idea but I do remember I was but because we didn’t really talk about the ins & outs of what we did afterwards via chat, I am not entirely sure what happened or what we did. But it was fucking hot, that’s for sure…

My notes & our convo say that I came home from work & we fuck in every position, I remember being so turned on this day & like I couldn’t get enough of him inside me. I couldn’t get enough orgasms. I let him fuck me however he wants & even let him fuck my ass, wanting him every way I can have him. I remember that this was also a time where when I was riding him, I would start off leaning down, kissing him, rocking back & forth really slowly, until I can feel my orgasm building, that I would pick up speed a little & within a few minutes, I cum hard & loud on his cock, feeling my cunt pulsing as I finish on top of him, collapsing into his chest.

This is something new I have been doing, fucking him slowly. We are usually really hard & fast, while there is feeling between us, there is something more intimate & different abut fucking slowly, using his cock how I want too, being in control, but not in a dominate way, just in a way to reach my orgasm how I want too, him underneath me loving the feeling of me slowly going deeper with each thrust.

---

It’s the same month & Marvel is chatting more & asking if I want to catch up again. Very unprecedented, we only see each other once a month usually. He comes over after school drop off & after my stupid weekly meeting & we have sex. Around this time, I wasn’t even thinking about this blog, or even just using this medium as a journal. I wasn’t writing. I kind of regret not writing like a journal because it is good to look back on but with everything that happens in 2024 with job.

I think things will never be as they were with Marvel. Does he deserve my time? Does he deserve any more air time in my blog? Probably not. But now (as I write in early 2025) I wish I had written about things we did back then or wrote better notes, or even just had better conversations with him. Looking back on my blog & our relationship, like I did a few years ago when I turned it into ebooks, it was good to look back on what happened, the nitty gritty – the good, the bad, the ugly, the hurt, the pain, the love & hate. But honestly, it reminds me why I put up with this shit from him, this less than sporadic messaging, the once a month catch up for sex only & always being available when he texts because I get notifications.

Again I don’t have a lot written about what happened in March 2024, however because we are predictable, I can almost guarantee that we went straight into my room, fooled around a little bit, then we fuck with him on top, before I say I want to be on top. I’ll slide down his body, kissing as I go before I suck his dick. When I am done with his cock in my mouth, I’ll ride him, of course I’ll cum multiple times, then he’ll get on top, flipping me over to fuck me from behind before he cums. We don’t even cum in interesting ways anymore, it’s always inside me. Never on my tits or tummy or mouth. Not that I am complaining, it’s always good but it’s not surprising or innovative. It’s passionate & comfortable. There is still the undeniable chemistry between us but time limitations have caused us to be repetitive.

#IBD4U

January/February 2024

Marvel hasn’t spoken to me since mid-December. He doesn’t usually talk to me while the kids are on school holidays, so I am used to this – he’s always been like this, even though I know he works part time & he totally could message me, he always makes sure that he doesn’t, being strong & keeping that distance, never letting his guard down. I never know when he is going to pop up again, I never know if he is going to pop up again, if I am really honest with myself. My brain regularly catastrophises that he is dead or that he moved interstate without telling me. Lets face it, if I don’t ever hear from him, I may never know why.

I don’t normally bother saying happy birthday to him – I did as Noodle & would have as Silverlining, but not as Marvel. He barely acts as if he likes me, he doesn’t deserve for me to make him feel special by messaging him. I haven’t in the last few years. He’s seen me on my last few birthdays to have sex, but fuck him, I am not going out of my way to say happy birthday, especially since I know that it will sit at unread for weeks while he’s off doing whatever he’s doing – being stronger than me, avoiding me. I hate looking at the unread message icon, knowing he’s not been online or thought about me at all. But to my surprise, he comes back online the day after his birthday, making a comment on a video that I sent him last year, I haven’t sent anything since then, cos I am being just as stubborn as him.

I am working a shitty temp job, which is hard to get away from because if I am not there, I don’t get paid. I need money right now so I can’t just be taking time off for sex. But the boss I have is so good, I’ve told her I have a couple of interviews so she knows that I am looking for work at a higher level of what I am doing & would let me take some time off. I also have been offered a job which starts later this month but they have jipped me $10k off the advertised salary – I genuinely believe that they have done that because they know me from my previous roles & they know I am unemployed. They are calling my bluff about being desperate for money, but I have accepted it but am seriously on the fence on if I should see how these other interviews go before.

I end up rolling the dice & decline that job that offered me $10k less & wait to hear from these other jobs interviews that I have been too. When Marvel comes back online, he’s behind what’s been going on so he thinks I have started the new job, but I tell him that I am still temping. But almost a week after asking, he looks at my reply telling him I didn’t start that job & am still temping for a little bit when he finally organises to see me. It’s early February & I have just started a new job, where I will be on the road & the boss – the unofficially titled head of SA, however they also tried to jip me $10k but it was initially $20k more than the one I turned down. So I negotiate $5k more – I should have asked for more once I found out that my staff were earning the same as me FFS.

I am all ready to stay home & see him this morning, go in late – I’ve told my staff that I have a meeting & will be in later etc, so because I start at 7:30 am, I have slept in a little being I don’t have a commute to worry about, when I get a message “Fuckkk i can’t do today, my body is having some technical difficulties, pretty sure my son will be home from school. And my wife is sick at work and could come home anytime. And I pretty sure what I have is contagious as it’s gone thru my whole family.” No sorry. No reschedule date. No care factor about me at all & what I put on the line… So get fucked. I don’t write back. What would I say anyway, ‘ok no worries, Marvel, let me know when you are free’ no, fuck him. I am not replying, especially when it won’t be read. So, I don’t. I am so angry that I change my life around to see him & I don’t even get a sorry or a reschedule date?

But because he has to be the one who’s the most stubborn, even though he was the one who fucking bailed, I have to be the one to fix things. It’s always on me to fix things… I wait 4 days before I message because he hasn’t bothered to come back online – well maybe he has, but he hasn’t fucking messaged me. I am booked for a trip to QLD for work, so I need to see him soon or it’ll be end of Feb before I see him again… I haven’t had sex all of 2024 & it’s mid Feb, so I finally message & say “So when are you planning on making it up to my vagina?” which he must be online or lurking, because he fucking replies quickly (here’s me thinking he never logs back on except when he messages… Apparently not!) & says that he’s only just gotten better & offers up a few different options.

I work from home one morning & he comes over right at the end of the weekly operations online meeting, which is a complete fucking waste of time – I hate meetings for the sake of meetings, which this one is & it’s weekly FFS. Anyway I let him know that my computer camera will be on & he will need to sneak in as it’s fucking going over time – another thing it never does. For the first time since I started, it usually goes for 20-30 minutes but today it’s almost 45 minutes & there is no end in sight.

He rocks up & I alert him that I am still in the meeting. Mainly so he doesn’t come over & get in the camera, so he sits on the couch & plays with his phone. It’s the only time I’ve ever felt awkward with him, because I have to speak in the meeting & sound all professional & like I know what I am talking about & I don’t want him to hear but I also do want him to hear that I am as smart as he thinks I am… I have no notes about that sex session because I didn’t write any & I we didn’t really talk about it afterwards, usually our conversation only exists of us talking in detail (but briefly – what a contradiction, hahaha.) what we did & I can look at the screenshots of the conversation & be reminded of what we did so I can write about it. But because of how little he talks to me these days, I don’t have a lot to write about. I know that the sex is always good, but we’ve fallen into a routine of fucking in the bedroom, me climbing on top, cumming, then sucking his dick then fucking from behind until he cums. It’s good. It’s amazing. But it’s predictable. With the limited time that we have, I guess that’s all we have time we have so we can’t do anything too elaborate anymore.

#IBD4U

Here’s another post I found lying around in the depths of my draft posts.

I am sick, sick as fuck. I have the worst diarrhoea that I have ever had. I don’t even know what has made me sick, food poisoning? Lying in bed for a complete weekend has got me bored. I download an app, I pay $60 for a month. Why am I doing this?

I chat to a couple of people, not ever worthy to write a blog about but I chat. One dude wants to meet for coffee & after I say yes & we agree to meet 10:00am Sunday at a café that I don’t know, he tells me that he is actually 49, not 45, that he can’t change his age as ‘the app won’t let him change it’ – so many things fuck me off about this. Firstly, the app will let you change it. Secondly, if he is 49 then he wouldn’t have even come up in my search for a match, because even though I am 43 now, I still don’t think I am that old, so dating someone almost 50 just seems insane to me, but I guess in reality, he is probably an ok age bracket for me so I figure I’ll still go on the date.

Saturday night there is a terrible thunderstorm & I am awake all night. Tomorrow is my only sleep in, so I message at 2:00am letting him know that I probably won’t make it at 10:00am. I wake up at 9:00am & he’s messaged asking if I am going which I apologise & say no, I won’t make it. He asks to me at 6:00pm after work, but I don’t reply & he deletes me. Fair enough. I deserve that.

At this time, I am chatting to Ralph anyway & actually getting along with him, we chat a lot to the point he asks if we are going to meet at the beach for a walk with the dogs. I don’t really answer which I think annoys him because he doesn’t really write back to me after he asks again & I say ‘I thought we’d already agreed, no?!’ Now I mean the “no” with a French accent – you know how they say no at the end of a sentence?

When he doesn’t write back that morning, the day of the proposed date, I realise my mistake & he might have read that as if I said no, so I clarify & he messages normally for the rest of the day until we meet. He’s already on the beach when I get there, I message to say I am there & he says he’s in the red shorts on the beach. I walk down the beach & let the dogs off but our dogs (his & mine) have a little argy bargy & sort of snap at each other – well that’s not a good sign.

We walk down the beach & get to the boat ramp & he asks if I want to go up there, um to a concrete boat ramp over huge rocks? He says that it’s his happy place but I say no, I just usually walk up & back, he doesn’t seem to mind, the beach is my happy place. He talks a lot, I mean I am a talker but I barely get a word in, to be honest, I don’t even know what he says but its’s all about him or his four kids, he has two older kids & twins that he has all on a bit of a different rotation schedule, which I can’t keep up with or who’s who.

When I finally get to say something about having a trailer (top notch convo) & he asks if I reverse it, which I say ‘Of course I do, I live alone, who else will do it?’ Which he says ‘that’s aggressive.’ Um, what the fuck? My response or the fact I reverse the trailer? I ask how it’s aggressive but he just says it again & I am like what is aggressive about it? When he says ‘I said impressive.’ & I laugh, but fuck, how many times did I say aggressive before he realised I heard it wrong & corrected me…

After the walk, we chat on the footpath for ages, I notice that he is wearing Ralph Lauren shirt & shorts. I don’t know why that’s weird but wearing double brand is just odd to me. But not a deal breaker, just something I noticed as he talked incessantly about his ex’s & being screwed over with houses, twice. I fucking hate the ex talk but I haven’t been given an opportunity to ask any questions to steer the conversation away from this or been asked any questions, I’ve barely even been able to add my own tid bits. This isn’t a convo, this is a rant.

Sorry, correction, he did ask if I am smart, but not like a question, he said ‘you must be smart because you’re in *insert industry*’ which I said, yes & he moved on with his next topic before I could elaborate. He asks if I am interested in another walk & I say yes another time & that I should go, the dogs aren’t great at just standing around, they were getting restless…

I get home & start cooking dinner when I get the text message ‘So #IBD4U, what are you thinking?’ stupidly, I didn’t really think about my reply, saying the first thing in my head that I am thinking I am hungry for dinner. He knows I am going to a themed work event so people will dress up & he asks if I have other costumes. Which I say that I do, honestly not thinking about this interaction so I just say yes but not onea I’d wear to work but he presses asking what & letting me know that he knows a guy who can help with a dress rehearsal.

Is he thinking I am going to some sort of kink event? I am going to a day time work function where the theme is magic! Like wtf does he think I am going to be doing…

I tell him “Hahaha after one walk on the beach, you think you get to know all the cheekie secrets??” he then writes to tell me that he has full length mirrors. I tell him that I have a wall of mirrors in my room – which is true & I get no reply…

Later on, I realiae that he’s just after casual, so I test & say I’m not looking for casual & I should have been more upfront… I mean I am not interested in a casual thing at all & certainly after one 30 minute walk on the beach I am not going to be doing any sort of fashion parade no matter if it’s my lingerie or just a normal costume for a work event.

He relies the next morning “I’m a believer in everything starts casual, I find it funny how it’s thought you can jump into a relationship. 🤷‍♂️” um what? When did I said I wanted to jump into a relationship?? After that he never replies but months later when I am bored on a dating site, he pops up & likes my profile… Really dude??

Moving on…

#IBD4U

I found this post in the drafts… Thought I’d share!

After being fired for the third time in my life, when I am dedicated, hard working individual who isn’t always the perky Elle Woods, but I am not awful to work with or to manage – well not in my opinion. I would only admit this now but many years ago I probably wasn’t the best worker, always pissed off about what others were doing or getting & not focusing on what I was doing or trying to achieve, I probably should have been performance managed at one point, for sure but not now. Yet here I am having been fired from a third job & feel like utter shit. I have no clue what I am going to do. I have no savings, I have no partner to back up my missing salary. I have no prospects to get a new job.

Luckily when I was fired for the second time I had done some random temping for an agency & received rav reviews – they were even looking for a senior role for me but knew I wouldn’t stay in the role I was doing. So this third time I called that woman and she got me into a temp job for 4 – 6 weeks & when I hadn’t gotten anywhere with gaining an ongoing role, she straight away placed me into another temp job, knowing that the temp jobs I am doing are beneath my skills, so I obviously get rav reviews as I am doing way more than expected abd asking for more, which makes gee also look for a more senior role for me.

There aren’t many options to get money quick. I signed up for Uber Eats again to deliver some food but as it’s the middle of winter, it’s dark by the time I get home from catching the train to & from the city – not usually a problem, but maybe from listening to too many murder podcasts, I have to have a photo up on the Uber app, which of course I look good so I’m scared someone is going to jump out the bushes & get me while I’m delivering thier food to their dodgy front porch!

Last year, after the second firing, I did sign up for OnlyFans – which is basically an adult content facebook, I got one follower. But it is all self promoted, there is no suggested “videos you might like.” section. So my first issue was the fact I didn’t want my face up, what a surprise. So that made promotion difficult & I had to create accounts on other apps to post the content first like Instagram, Snapchat & Reddit.

My second issue is that I didn’t want anyone to see it, especially a prospective employer or anyone from my past I guess. I edited every photo to remove any tell tale signs it was me, including a freckle in my leg or the dark skirting boards in my bedroom. It took ages. I never posted anything too bad, was feet pics or lingerie but like I said I removed any tell tale sign it could be me. So I used reddit to promote my OnlyFans but I have no clue how to use it & as always I wasn’t consistent so I made no money & then I got a job eventually so I deleted it.

So what can I do for money? Well a friend who I used to work closely with has made his desire for me clear – I suspect as he might read this blog, not many guys know about it but I just have a feeling. One day he rings me, clearing his throat every second word that I think what the fuck is he going to ask, we were just having a normal friend convo. He says that he’d offer me $1000 to *cough* you know *cough* to eat your *cough* pussy. I don’t remember how I even said no & got off the phone but I did & we hung up.

He messages later ‘Would like to clarify on last conversation. I was pretty nervous to raise the issue with you so probably didn’t come out well. Absolutely not interested in starting something, really am only interested in a one off For me is more like a bucket list type thing, absolute could not and would not want to go there again. The other thing I didn’t say was I really only have an opportunity tomorrow, Thursday evening as my partner is away. And I have some money put aside at the moment. So that’s what it was all about. You have always been a fantasy for me as well for so long and you only live once so I’m going to put it out there one last time $1.5K for about 1 hour of your time it’s just between you and me.’ I stare at it for so long, could I do this??

My initial reaction is still no, which to my surprise, eveyone who I told says to me that I should do it. It’s Monday, I need money. A chick from the temp job who I’m friends with on snapchat tells me to do & is adamant that she would do it. When I chat to some clients about it, they say that I should 100% do it. There is only one person really aganist who even offers me the money to borrow if I am desperate.

Look financially it isn’t a good time for me, I am hanging in by a thread to everything I have. Luckily I never have to sell anything but I come close a few times. But am I going to do something I really have no desire to do for money? One point I hear, is that no one likes work, think of it like a job. Also another client asks, how many people have I fucked that I wish I hadn’t/haven’t enjoyed & for free!!! Well she has a point. Hahaha.

While I’m job hunting, this guy is a referee for me – let’s face it he’s had to do a few recently for me, so we’ve kept in contact because of that. I mean don’t get me wrong he was a good friend. At one point when I was at my fittest, we were doing park run together & working together (at the first job I got fired from!)

Let’s back track too, he was in my team at the job I was at the longest, you know the one where I travelled a lot & then they started treating me like shit – apparently firing me because I started my little lash business. Well he was in my team & I know his wife. I always just thought wr were friends I never knew he had a fantasy of being with me for one night only… As I said earlier, I have a feeling he’s read the blog & honestly, I am not like he thinks I would be, I can assure you.

Anyway, he tells me to apply for this job, I get an interview but don’t get the job – even though he is my referee & apparently one of the interviewers are his close friend. Oh well, guess it’s not meant to be but I would have loved that job.

He has some health issues (trying not to give this guy away) but it’s pretty serious & it makes him up the price to $2500 because apparently “you only live once” right. I am starting now to get more desperate that I think maybe we should discuss it, so I try but he wants to talk on the phone about it, I don’t because it’s fucking awkward. This is what makes me think I can’t do it. How will it even go down?

I ask how he wants this to go down, he asks if I want the money transferred or cash – I personally think that’s the least of my concerns right now. As I start to talk about how it will happen, definitely not my house, not sure I want to go to his but ask what his thoughts are, what he is expecting from me & that cash is probably best but a transfer is less awakward, he takes like 18 hours to reply saying “currently wrestling with my conscience.” oh FFS.

I know it’s going to be awakward because I am not into it, I never want anyone to find out I went through with it – especially Marvel (yes I’m still seeing him) & I know what he’ll say, however to my surprise, after sex one day when I mention it, he basically tells me to do it. I don’t think he is serious but I guess I have his approval & I do really need the money. But Marvel is in my mind, I don’t want to keep fucking other people, I don’t want to keep adding notches to my bed post. Plus it’s been so long since I have been with someone else.

I say to Referee that I knew this would happen, that he would pull away as soon as I entertained the idea, I mean I can tell by how awkward he was to ask. I also don’t want someone whos not sure & going to make me take the lead. Yeah that can be fun, but it’s not entirely my vibe. I want someone more dominant & sure of what to do – unfortunately for me, I want a Marvel type, which I am certian this is not it.

He says to me, “I’m really torn, I really want to- in some  ways I can’t even believe it’s a possibility but my conscience is giving me a  hard time. These are the things on my list – deep passionate kissing, playing with, licking and sucking your tits, eating your pussy, you sucking my cock and licking my balls – so I am not even sure if you would agree with these things anyway. Well if those things are acceptable for you, I am happy to proceed. Let me know if you want to proceed.” Happy to proceed? What a sexy offer! Hahaha… So transactional, maybe that’s the best way to get through this?

I reply saying that kissing isn’t on my agenda & sucking his dick & balls would be on a mood type thing, I don’t want to force that & if I’m not feeling it, I don’t want to just suck his balls because hes paying me… That’s not a fav thing to do with a random guy but a friend says do whatever he wants for $2500. I mean just cos he’s paying doesn’t mean I have to just do what he wants, does it? Don’t I get a say? I know it’s his fantasy but I still should get a say in what I willing to offer?? He says “the non kissing is really disappointing. I could probably move past that but a maybe on some things depending on the mood wouldn’t work for me. Yes not at yours agreed.”

That’s about where it ends, we don’t really talk about it again. I mean I am not entirely sure I could’ve gone through with it anyway, I mean I could just picture him walking into my house – he’s been here before, he took me to lunch when I got fired from the job we worked at together, he bought my flowers & told me not to post it on Facebook, so I knew there was some attraction for him but he would be awkward in a sexual scenario & I’d have to take charge & I just don’t want too.. I also really don’t want to have sex with someone new. Someone who doesn’t know my body or what I like that I’m going to have to probably guide to do what I want & see my naked body which I am so concious of these days.

I eventually get a job, which I need him to be a referee for, which he does & I am so thankful for it, so I don’t end up doing it. There might be a week between my temp job & going to Melbourne that I am not working, which freaks me out & I would probably have to do it but luckily, I don’t have too… I don’t want to force it.

But I guess I’ve established my price. Hahaha $2500 for one session. Not a bad pay day.

#IBD4U

So I didn’t know what would happen after that night, I didn’t know that he had messaged the Director at 2:00am saying he had a disagreement & that he quit. Hindsight is wonderful, I mean, if I hadn’t listened to this new guy bitch about the company that I was enjoying working for, for the last three hours & if I was more drunk or even perhaps more sober, I would have got him to come back inside & just go to bed in the spare room, talk it over in the morning? If I had of known I’d be the one thrown under the bus, I would have done things a lot differently.

My boss calls me Saturday morning & I run through what happened, briefly & not trying to make a big deal about it, I didn’t do anything wrong – did I? I decide to message Trainer & say that I hope his head doesn’t hurt too much & that he’s ok, but he never reads it. Late in the afternoon, my boss messages me to tell me that Trainer is going to go on the planned business trip on Monday & that he would be reporting to him & that I am not to contact him. I say no worries.

I should also say that this whole week with my boss here, he has be singing my praises etc, when I had the quarterly performance review with my other manager, he said he wanted me on his team full time, that he was really impressed with my initiative & that it’s rare for someone to meet their budget within the first 3 months, but I was doing really well. I had no reason to be worried, I finally feel like I fit in & I feel like this industry is where I have found a passion.

Now having said that, there were lots of red flags with the company too, but like any job, when you’re in the “in crowd” or you’re dating someone ‘you really like’, you sort of turn a blind eye to things. You don’t think about the fact you gave up your Mothers Day to pick someone up from the airport and take them somewhere. You don’t think about the lack of support when you had to fire someone, even the Director of the other part of the company – I had someone online & that was it. You don’t think about the time you fell over at home & dislocated your shoulder & didn’t take any time off at all. You don’t think about the public holidays in SA when it was a holiday in QLD and your bosses called you, you just answer, when you should have ignored it. You don’t think about the fact your dad gives up a day over Easter with you to mount some TV’s & do some other odd jobs, when you should’ve made them pay for a handyman. I always go all in with jobs & I really give everything to my work, I focus because I only have the dogs & I would rather focus on work than dropkick boys… Clearly I have poor judgement.

So Monday is a public holiday, I get a notification that Trainer has used the company Uber account to get to the airport. Well that’s good he’s gone on the work trip, that gives us a week to just reflect on what happened. My boss messages me & asks for a report about what happened Friday. I write back Tuesday morning saying lets not make a big deal out of it. I figure if Trainer went away, I don’t want to get him fired. We can be adults, besides he said multiple times that he can separate work and his personal life so when he gets back it’ll be ok, I won’t be his manager soon.

Even though there was an organisational change happening, I wasn’t looking for other jobs, but I’m not going to lie that I had a look around to see what’s out there. I would apply for things I really wanted but I wouldn’t be applying for anything and everything, I wasn’t desperate to leave but I wanted more than what this company could offer, but I wanted to get more experience for my resume in this industry also. I figured eventually either he would leave or I would, I was sure of that, I just didn’t know when. I figured once I’m in the other role full time, I won’t be in the office as much as I have been either, as I won’t be managing the staff, I’ll be out meeting with clients and probably work from home a little bit more too.

Later on Tuesday my boss texts me & asks for the report anyway, I figure that it’s going to be used to performance manage Trainer, so I word very casually & they asked for the messages, so I sent them also. Again, I figure that if you read those messages, anyone can see that I didn’t invite this interaction, besides allowing him to come to my house. I’m not saying I’m innocent – not at all & I am sort of expecting a written warning or something, even though my boss basically said it was ok that morning. So I hit send on this casual report – kicking myself I didn’t keep a copy.

On the way home Tuesday, I get a work email, which I don’t look at because I am driving, when I get home I look at my phone but my emails are asking for my password. I put it in but it says it’s incorrect. I look it up & try a few more times. Incorrect. I have taken to leaving my work computer at the office, sick of working for hours when I get home only to be demoted, so I fire up my personal computer & log on to the company schedule, which is a web based program & it works but my emails still don’t on my phone. Weird, but I figure I’ll just get IT to look at it in the morning, perhaps because it’s my personal phone it’s been logged out or something. There is always IT crap going on at this workplace.

It’s almost an hour drive to work everyday, which starting at 7:30 am everyday, has been taking it’s toll. It’s exactly 7:30am when my phone rings, I am driving, I answer on the steering wheel, it’s my boss, I am instantly suspicious when I realise he’s using my personal number. He says hello & say’s he just going to connect HR. I know what this means… They advise me that they are not going ahead with my probation & I say “Are you serious?” They say yes & because I am caught so off guard I start to fight for my job, even the other part that I am going to be doing full time soon. I ask if it’s about what happened Friday, they say no, I ask what is the reason & the HR lady – who is also an owner just snaps “#IBD4U, what happened Friday was inappropriate, but your not the right fit for the company & your probation has ended.” I hang up. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I am driving! To work! Is that the most inappropriate way to fire someone?! At least make a meeting with me when I arrive. Or why didn’t they do it last night when they clearly shut off my emails? I think about pulling over, leaving the key in the car on the side of the road & walking away. But I don’t want to be charged some fee by them, so I am less than a minute away from the office, I pull into the work carpark & see the receptionist on her mobile outside, they are telling her. I walk in, advise the staff I have been fired & pack up what is left of my desk, trying to remember what is mine & not to leave anything behind. The staff are all seemingly very surprised & I catch an uber home on their dime. I am so shocked.

I think what fucks me off the most is there is no feedback, like I asked if this was because of Friday & they say no. They won’t elaborate as to why, so my overthinking brain just goes into every scenario. I am also so disappointed that if there were problems/issues or concerns with my performance, why hadn’t they addressed it & had meetings with me so I knew what I was doing wrong & could change my management style? I’d been there five months & had not had one negative thing said to me from my management, I had not had a manager come to SA to support me being they knew this role & managing people would be something I would need developing and support.

Instead they just tell me over & over again that I am doing well & then fire me for what? I guess I will never know why, just like the previous job who did the exact same thing. The previous company, unclear what they want when employing me, then getting annoyed when I don’t hit the unachievable targets. I think this company were unsure what they wanted in SA, obviously as they employed me for one thing, then gave me two jobs to do, then they saw an opportunity to restructure when people left the organisation. I wasn’t the only one demoted, my counterpart in QLD was demoted also, so I highly doubt he’ll stick around, however neither of us got an opportunity to apply for the new national role & the job ad was not at all what they told me they were looking for.

& lets not forget Trainer… He is still working there to this day! He was the inappropriate one, he told me he wanted to kiss me at the fucking office… How is he still working there?! I did sort of expect to hear from him when he got back from his trip. But it is obvious that he threw me under the bus, while I was trying to save him, otherwise both of us would have been fired. I guess they need the lackies more than they need management, so I would say he’s on borrowed time, or honestly, a company that is owned by women is the most sexist company I have ever worked for…

What do you think? Do you think I was fired because I let a staff member come to my house?

#IBD4U