Guest Blog: 10 Important Lessons I Learned When I Found My Local Kink Scene

There are many things you should discuss with your partner before embarking on a kink lifestyle. I know that now, but I entered it quite blindly with people who didn’t really know what they were doing. While it worked out alright for me, it could’ve been a very different story.

I want to use this blog to also open the dialogue, why should it be a secret. Like I said in my guest post why I do what I do, I don’t understand why kink & sex is such a taboo subject. I’d rather people know I am into kink & doing it safely, rather than no one knowing about it at all!

Here’s some more tips for you!

10 Important Lessons I Learned When I Found My Local Kink Scene

It seems like more people than ever are experimenting with kink. Many do so from the privacy of their homes and learn from books and websites like this one. I found it even more helpful to explore my local kink scene at the same time. Finding the kink scene was one of the most transformative experiences of my life. Here are the 10 important lessons I learned.Local kink scene, dating sex.png1. How to Set Boundaries

In the kink scene, it’s standard for people to negotiate what they are and aren’t OK with before playing together. Essentially, the submissive explicitly sets boundaries with the dominant. These boundaries are normally known as hard and soft limits. Hard limits are things that you don’t want done to you under any circumstances. Soft limits are typically things that maybe you are kind of hesitant to take on. Or you’re only willing to do them with certain people or at certain times.

There are BDSM checklists that you can print off to help you have those discussions. No matter what a submissive’s limits are, it’s a standard practice to clearly establish them before playing. This is especially important because the dominant and submissive are operating outside of societal norms of what’s right and wrong.

As a recovering people pleaser, I found the process of setting limits within my BDSM practice translated into learning to set them in my personal life. I started to push back on friends or relatives who ignored boundaries I set. I also became better at clearly stating those boundaries in the first place.

2. Something Can Be Scary and Not Kill You

It is completely natural to avoid what we fear. Fear is an extremely intense emotion. Often, fear limits us in ways that actually impede our survival. Fear might keep us from switching jobs when our current employer isn’t treating us well – or prevent us from even looking at other opportunities. Fear might make us stay in a relationship that’s unhealthy because we’re afraid of being alone.

I was scared to death when I joined the kink community. I’ve also had scenes that scared the pants off me (sometimes, quite literally). I survived. Challenging those fears ended up being incredibly fulfilling for me. It was a rush to conquer my fears and make it to the other side. I also gained the knowledge that I am capable of handling much more than I thought I could.

Whether it’s a new sexual act that you’re nervous about trying or a big life change, the unknown can be terrifying. It’s also where some of the best things in life are. Facing fears is the only way you grow.

3. You Can Tolerate Pain & Survive

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that just because someone is hurting (even me), it doesn’t mean that anyone did anything wrong. I also learned that just because something hurts right now, doesn’t mean that it will hurt forever.

In fact, a lot of positive changes require that you tolerate pain or discomfort on the way to achieving your goals. People typically understand this when it comes to changes like dieting or going to the gym, but they usually have a hard time translating it to emotional growth.

Playing in the kink community directly increased my physical pain tolerance, but that wasn’t the only change. It helped me develop self-control and the ability to delay gratification, two strengths that I use constantly in my personal life.

4. You Can Do You

I was like a lot of people who first show up in their local kink scene: Really unsure of myself. I felt curious and a little ashamed that I was exploring something that society thought was taboo.

What I found was one of the most accepting communities I’d ever encountered. Like any community, it has its quirks but by and large, I noticed a very encouraging pattern: People who had been active on the kink scene for a while owned their fetishes. They didn’t seem ashamed at all. They were proud of them.

Little by little, as I spent time with them, I built up my own sense of personal security. Over time, the petty things people said to me became less like valid criticisms and more like noise. I learned to qualify the person who criticized me to determine whether they were an accurate judge of the subject (and me) or not. If the criticism didn’t come from a source I respected, I simply stopped caring about it. I found that if someone doled out baseless criticisms about things that they didn’t have much knowledge about or hadn’t experienced themselves, it didn’t make me doubt myself. It made me doubt them.

Once I stopped constantly shaming myself and responding in a knee-jerk way to the shaming from others, I focused more on building and understanding my own values system to define my own sense of what is and isn’t important to me.

Again, this didn’t just help me within the kink community. It made me a more effective manager and consultant within the workplace. It made me a better friend.

5. There’s a Difference Between a Dominant and a Control Freak

A lot of people dipping their toe into kink for the first time will start by going online and chatting with people. While this can be an easy and discreet way to find like-minded others, it can be very difficult online to differentiate between people who are healthy, experienced dominants and control freaks claiming to be dominants who’ve just watched a lot of bad porn.

A good dominant:

*Cares whether a submissive provides consent

*Will negotiate and respect whatever limits and boundaries are set

*Doesn’t just take power and control, they take responsibility

While it might be scary to set foot in a real life kink group for the first time, I’ve found that getting connected to a local kink community is one of the best ways to sort out this difference. It’s much easier to tell all of these things in person.

6. We’re Into Different Things, Which IS Why Consent Is Important

There are some common sayings in the kink scene that acknowledge that while some people are into certain stuff and other people aren’t, it’s OK. A few of these are Your Kink Is OK and Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is OK, or YKIOK or YKINMKBYKIOK (for short…ish).

What’s important here is that the kink scene openly acknowledges that one person’s kink is another person’s squick. Or that one person’s yummy is another person’s yuck.

It is most important that whatever people are doing involves clear consent. If it makes everyone happy and it’s not harming anyone (as opposed to hurting them, because as I wrote above, pain isn’t necessarily bad in the right context), then it’s a good time.

This was a really liberating idea that followed me everywhere else. Maybe certain people didn’t get my life choices, but they made sense to me and the people close to me and that was what was really important.

7. Don’t Trust People Who Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

Once you get used to explicitly setting boundaries , it becomes painfully clear who doesn’t respect them. And who will repeatedly violate them.

This was a painful realization in the short term because I did lose some people from my life. Yet, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I had more time for people who did respect my boundaries, I also had more time and energy to pursue things that fulfilled me rather than things that drained me.

It was a huge lesson. People all mostly act alike when you say yes to them. It’s when you start saying no to people that you really see who they are. Because most people can tolerate a reasonably stated no.

If they can’t, that’s not a person you should trust.

It doesn’t matter if they’re a top with a flogger, your best friend from college, or your mother-in-law.

8. You Learn to Recognize the Real Deal from the Fakers

I’ve met some of the most brilliant, adventurous, and just plain old fun people I’ve ever known in my local kink scene.

That said, I’ve also met some braggadocios who puff themselves up and lie about having kink experience and competence that they don’t have, essentially padding their kinky resumes with things they haven’t actually done. Maybe they saw it done once at another club and they tell you that they did it. Or maybe they say they have an extensive military background where they learned all sorts of rope and knife tricks – and you find out, no, wait, actually, they dropped out of basic training and watched a bunch of action movies.

I learned a lot by meeting people and observing them. I’ve even learned by personal experience. Over time, I developed a natural instinct where I could more easily spot a hype man much sooner and from a further distance away.

And this isn’t just useful in the kink seen. This lesson is also especially helpful in business meetings. Or when a friend is dating someone they’re gaa-gaa over who just sits with me the wrong way.

9. Watch Out for People Who Want Power & No Responsibility

As I mentioned above, a key difference between a dominant and a controlling person is that a dominant takes on responsibility when they take on power and a controlling person doesn’t.

I’m extra sensitive when it comes to spotting people who want to make decisions but don’t want to have any responsibility for the outcome of those decisions. I learned this difference on the kink scene, but just like the rest of these, I’ve found that I’m also better able to spot this difference in other settings too.

For example, it helps me figure out the difference between a good boss and a bad boss.

10. Reputation Can Help Keep You Safe.

The kink scene has its downsides just like any other community, but it definitely has some built-in safeguards that (although not foolproof) absolutely help make things a little better and, often, safer.

One of these is the power of reputation. I typically don’t play with brand new people. Instead, I tend to observe them for a while and talk to other people who have known them longer.

If I discover one “enemy,” it isn’t enough for me to consider someone a persona non grata (everyone has a bitter ex or two, myself included). However, I do pay special attention to patterns. If I hear negative things from enough people, especially people whose opinions I’ve come to respect and tend to be credible, that’s enough to give me serious pause.

It’s actually changed the way that I date. I like to know people for a while and get a sense of who their friends are before I get seriously involved. It means that I’m typically friends for a while first. This isn’t something that everyone is open to (a slow transition into a relationship), and that’s fine. However, it’s really been the best way I’ve found of assessing if someone’s life is going to match well with my own and vice versa.

Here is the link should you want to read it. https://www.kinkly.com/10-important-lessons-i-learned-when-i-found-my-local-kink-scene/2/17262

#IBD4U

Noodle #5

Noodle & I constantly chat every day, still taking it in turns – I honestly thought that would be the end, it should’ve been the end, this is stupid… We have even started to make sure we say goodnight every night too. What fucking losers! The next Tuesday we’re planning to meet again, he’s permanently changed his shift but not told his partner, so he can be at my house for 2 hours while she visits her parents. I ask him if he wants to try something a little kinky & he says yes. We’ve obviously talked about a little bit of kink before but he’s not done a lot so I don’t want to scare him, like I did Elvis. I mean I am by no means an expert but with the sound of his sex life, it’s just been doggy style & missionary with no cumming from her & few blow jobs but nothing too exciting (See I’d fucking hate if I knew my partner was telling another women about my sex life – that would kill me actually). Remembering this only the second time that we’re going to have sex & the third time that we’ve actually met in real life but it’s been 2 months of chatting daily so I already feel comfortable with this man, I want him to be kinky with me, I somehow trust him & who knows how much time we’ll have before she finds out or before one of us ends this – but I want to be his first for these things. I send him a message before he leaves work, ‘the door is unlocked,’ then I send ‘Choose your own adventure...’

I put my phone down, light some candles for mood lighting (I really need a lamp in my room so it’s not so romantic with the candles but I don’t like it pitch black but don’t like the overhead light on to make it too bright), I tie my ankles to the bottom corners of the X restraints on my bed & leave on a small towel, a flogger, a wartenberg pinwheel, a vibrator & a condom then lie face down on the bed, tying my wrists to the other corners of the bed, then I wait (This is my trust exercise with him, I can get out of these restraints, so if anything happens, I’m still safe!) My heart is pounding, I’ve never done anything like this before. I am so scared he won’t like what he sees when he finds me. I worry about what I look like, how fat I am, if he’ll even want me like this… I know he doesn’t like to feel stupid so I am worried this is too far, but I can tell he’s a natural.

As I hear my door unlatch, I suck in my breath thinking this is it! This is the first time I have topped from the bottom. I have no idea what he is going to do, if he even knows what some of the things are. He draws in a breath as he walks in & sees me lying there naked, tied up, face down. I hear him strip quickly, then starts there inspecting the toys I’ve left out before sliding his body up mine to kiss my lips.

Noodle Texting sex dating.png

Fuck this man makes me wet… he’s so not the type I usually go for, I don’t usually like a hairy chest but I love the feel of his chest hair lightly grazing on my naked back. I love his beard rubbing against my face as we kiss. Or as he kisses down my body, I can’t believe how sexy I find someone that usually isn’t my type.

He stands back up & plays with some toys, I know he feels stupid because he doesn’t know what to do, so I encourage him, he whips me a few times & I whimper, loving the feeling of him doing that to me, he runs the wheel up my leg a few times, across my back & I shudder. Next he has the vibe on me before he slips his cock in behind me, fucking me easily until I’m cumming, again so quickly… So quickly I couldn’t stop it even if I tried… (I don’t know how his partner does it?!) He doesn’t even have to try, it’s almost like the chemistry between us is enough for me to self-combust as soon as I am within metres of him. This is insane. I don’t know how I am going to recover when this is over! He says after that he wants to be inside me so badly that he can’t play with those toys long. I agree, I want him as close as I can when we’re together. I beg him to be inside me.

It’s only week 2 of fucking Noodle, but I can’t seem to get enough, he offers up at 6:00 am visit that Friday morning, just a few days later… I have been using pre workout so have barely been sleeping anyway, plus I wake up early to make sure I get some proper chat in with him before work, so I immediately agree. I am of course awake when he messages to say good morning & that he’s on his way. I leave the door unlocked & jump back into bed, trying to rest my eyes & go back to sleep. I would love to be woken up by him one day, but I’m a light sleeper, so I doubt I’ll get back to sleep now. I hear him come in, he’s never quiet & I wonder if he does that because he feels a bit weird & wants me to know that he’s there? I’m naked when he jumps into bed with me, he’s in his boxers, clearly not sure what he should be wearing, but they’re quickly taken off. We have mind blowing amazing sex, even though he has a signature move of my legs on his shoulders to make me spray squirt us both, it’s not boring like Milky’s signature move, I am cumming within seconds, saturating the bed, with absolutely no way of stopping him or my orgasm… I actually have to wonder how it keeps getting better every time we fuck.

The next Tuesday comes quickly, I am off work when he mentions that he should fake being sick, go home early but come to see me. He was coming over later that night as planned, but when he suggests that he “go home sick” & come see me, I agree that he can come over whenever he likes. He leaves work 1:30 pm, we immediately have sex when he gets to my place. Then because it’s a big joke on the group chat about having a bath with me after having redone my bathroom a few months earlier & I am always in it while chatting in the groups, Noodle suggests a bath with me & I jump at the chance. I am so excited about this – he says that my face lit up when he suggested it, I deny this! But I want a bath with him, but this is intimate. This is a very couply thing to do. But I literally am jumping out of my skin & I want more than anything for him to tell people in the group & make them jealous but we don’t. I’m not sure if I should face him or lean against him, so I opt for leaning against him. He gets bored after a short time & wants to get out, but all I want to do is relax in there all day with him.

We fuck several times, lying in bed cuddling… His hands constantly running up & down my skin, so much so that I ask him if he can keep his hands off me, so he stops touching me, but within seconds his hands start running up & down my skin, I laugh at him & he makes me aware of the fact that my legs are entwined with his & I am hugging him with my whole body, FUCK… I instantly try to roll away but he grabs me & we are as close as we can be without him actually being inside me. He stays at my house till when he normally leaves about 9:30 pm, the time goes so fast, I am I feeling things I’ve never felt before. Things I shouldn’t be feeling. This man has a partner!

Yet, I bloody well see him again on the Saturday for an hour for a lunch break quickie at my house. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get enough of this man? This feels so good yet it’s so wrong & I am hating that I am not even thinking about his other life.

I get a little possessive, having a small fight with him, that I don’t like that he might be trying to fuck other people. I figure that if I am willing to put myself out there with him that he should make me a priority, he says ‘so a married guy pretty much has to put you first after his wife because of his limited availability’ I say yes… I mean if I am willing to do it with him, he says the sex is amazing, he shouldn’t want anyone else right? I think that about Max, why would he want anyone else?! But Noodle puts my mind at ease by telling me that he loves fucking me & really wants to fuck me again, so if he’s free & I’m available he’ll only fuck me. WOW. I didn’t realise I was so needy!

#IBD4U

Max #8

Max & I don’t talk a lot online anymore. But I chat to Noodle daily. Noodle is also really good friends with the chick that Max kissed at Switch. I decide that I am pissed with her just as much as I am with Max, so I ask Noodle if he’s told her about us fucking & he says that he trusts her & told her, but she’s the only one he’s told. So I tell him the story & why I don’t want her knowing my life story. However Noodle tells me that she’s showed him messages from Max saying things like ‘Hey cutie, it was great to meet you, I liked what we did on the dancefloor’ etc but she’s been ignoring him – approx. 8 or so messages, because of Sweetie & I. FUCK! This upsets me, why?! I mean, he’s barely seen me for weeks & is pursuing another woman? I mean at least end it with me first before you start chatting up people I am in a friendship group with – I wouldn’t say I’m friends with her, but if Noodle trusts her, then I do.

I message Max immediately, heart pounding in my chest because I’m so angry ‘I know you’re busy but we need to talk tonight, can I come to your office? I wouldn’t ask but it’s important’ He responds straight away, which is unusual for him, saying he’s at work & can be at mine right away. I don’t want him at my house but maybe I need the upper hand of being in my own space, to do this.I am oddly calm even though my heart is pounding but I didn’t want to end it with him over text or the phone, so I will do it person like an adult. I mean I am not really ready for this to end, but this is just fucked. He gets to my house, I can see he’s nervous, he doesn’t hug or kiss me, like usual. I offer him a drink, I’m drinking southern comfort for some liquid courage & we sit down on the couch. I start by telling him that I know about the messages to the other girl & that I while, I don’t want this to end with him, I can’t keep being a 17565 priority to him behind, his wife, kids, work & now other women, I know we’re not exclusive but I deserve better than this. I want & deserve to be treated with respect.

He asks me if he paid more attention to me the week prior to switch, would it have been ok if he kissed her? I say that I am not Sweetie & I am not ok with him kissing another women especially when he’s not even giving me what I need. He seems to get it & also agrees that he doesn’t want it to end with me but his wife has given him permission to see other women so he wants to be a slut. He then spins me what I know is bullshit about making a change & making more time for me. But it works… I mean I don’t want a boyfriend right now, but I don’t want to lose another FWB – I had 5, now I’m down to 2 being that I haven’t seen Origin for a while. We don’t usually kiss a lot but he kisses me tonight, we cuddle on the couch & I realise why I am in this position… He leaves later in the evening all seemingly well with us. I am angry at myself that I wasn’t able to end it but I am now do not care what happens. If Max doesn’t put in any effort, then I don’t care anymore.

The next day I wake up with tonsillitis. I call in sick & go to the dr’s for antibiotics. This is probably because I have been neglecting myself while focusing on married men who treat me like an option. Max knows I am home & feeling like shit, sitting on the couch when I see his car pull up, I think what the fuck is he doing here, I also look like a fucking homeless person what the fuck is he doing here… I see him walk down my driveway with a shopping bag & knock on the door… I answer, inviting him in, with verbal vomit about how shit I look but he says that he doesn’t want to get sick but he went shopping for me because he knows I don’t have a lot of food. I open up the bag to see soups & other soft foods & I smile like a dickhead. He doesn’t stay but I am stupidly impressed by the gesture. For Fuck Sake, I didn’t realise I was this type of woman! He can be sweet, I mean I’m not sure if it’s Sweetie’s doing or if it’s actually him, but I appreciate his efforts in trying to make me more of a priority. It’s really sweet, but I also can’t help but wonder if it’s also because the other chick never replied to his messages…?!

Max dating 2019 relationship.png

Well that was short lived! Hahaha… I don’t see max for another 2 weeks, what the fuck is up with this guy, but I don’t even care to be honest… I have checked out of this relationship or whatever it is. He comes over the morning that I have something on later in the arvo (Story to come) & we sit outside chatting before he bends me over the back table & spanks my ass so hard that I almost have to safe word him – this is probably the first time ever I have even thought about a safe word, but luckily he’s in tune with me enough to stop when I am at that limit. I don’t know if it’s because of where I am going later today or what, but he messages me a lot that afternoon. I can barely sit down in the car on the way to my next date that I wonder if that is also Max’s game… so I don’t forget him?

A week later Max asks to see me & I agree he can come over, he tells me he can’t stay over which isn’t a problem, but we just hang out at my house. Later he looks at his phone & asks if it’s ok if Sweetie comes over, they’ve got an older girl staying with them at the moment who has agreed to look after the sleeping kids. I don’t really feel in the mood to have a 3sum with them, especially with the recent weeks being as they have been, but I also don’t know how to say no, so I say she can come over but I am going to act in a way that they know that I am not going to fuck them together tonight.

Sweetie comes over & we just hang & chat. It’s actually quite a nice evening, before Sweetie says goodbye & Max hangs back saying that he’s going to stay the night. I say that he doesn’t have too not wanting to make a big deal of it, but I had been banging on about the fact he never stays over anymore.

My favourite thing about a guy staying over is waking up in the middle of the night to have sex & then having sex again in the morning. Literally the best sex I ever have! I love it… Which of course we do, he wakes me up in the middle of the night, which is usual for him, however I guess he’s only stayed over a few times really. But he wakes me Up & we have normal couple sex for the first time ever, I think… No kink, just sex…

#IBD4U

Noodle #4

Now it’s the stand off! Who will message first? I sure as fuck am not going to message Noodle first. Firstly he has a partner, so he can chase me, if he wants me – I’m stubborn & refuse to show him that I like him. Second, I have no idea what I just felt. What the fuck was that?

This goes against everything I stand for. If a guy cheated on me, I don’t mean by fucking someone, but by chatting to someone, meeting her for a non-sexual date then he’d be out the fucking door, I hate when I talk to married men because marriage means something to me, it’s not just about the wedding or sharing the same last name, it’s committing to someone, being able to be brutally honest with them even if it hurts. I’d personally rather want to know that my partner wants to fuck someone else than them do it behind my back – but I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing my partner has formed a connection with someone else from chatting to them constantly. That would kill me… If he had random sex with someone, once, it would definitely piss me off, but it wouldn’t be as hard to understand.

I don’t have to wait long before Noodle messages me – yep I am more stubborn than him! Hahaha… I will also deny this till I die, however Noodle is adamant that right after he messaged me I told him I wanted to suck his cock & started sexting him… Well it was true – I did want to suck his cock, but I highly doubt I just came out & said that. But maybe whatever I just felt made me crazy & I did message him that. I don’t know. He has no proof so it’s his word against mine! Hahaha. We’ll never know, but for sake of the story, we can all agree that one of us sexted – I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt & say it was me. I wanted too, so whatever, we now had a new topic & it gets saucy, very quickly!

Does he feel it too if he messaged me first? & now he’s open to sexting? Maybe he doesn’t feel it because although we continue to talk every single day for another few weeks, from the second we wake up until we go to bed, as long as she’s not around, but he never asks to meet me again. Maybe I was alone in feeling that ridiculous electric spark between us. Though I’m pretty sure I’m not alone being that we are sexting alot, like most nights we talk sexy, sending a few teasing cheeky pictures.

I ask him about it because not only has he become a very good friend, he must have felt something, I mean otherwise why is he still talking to me 3 months later? He says he is scared to fuck me… WHAT? Is it because he has a partner or what is it about me? He tells me that I put sex on a pedestal, I’ve also told him I was having the best sex of my life (which was true, I’d never been so openly sexual as I am right now or willing to experiment like I am) & that I am a bit kinky & he has no experience in it & didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of me. OMG, that’s almost what Elvis said to me, ‘how am I ever going to please this woman…’ Maybe I scare men off? But they ask about my sex life… Do they want me to lie? I explain that I don’t need kink but I enjoy it & that he doesn’t need to be scared to fuck me.

Noodle #4 Dating lying, cover up

So… we organise to meet at my house on a Tuesday night, he works late every Tuesday night & had changed his shift that day so he started earlier & finished earlier, he just didn’t tell his partner about the time change – sneaking off to work early. So we have about 2 hours free including travel to & from my house. She goes to her parents every Tuesday night so he said she’d be distracted with them & their son, so we’d be ok, she wouldn’t be looking where he was on the find my iPhone app.

The day of the our second meeting – the first time we’ll potentially have sex, I’m excited & scared at the same time. I’ve never actually met a married guy who didn’t have permission for sex… I don’t even know if I should be doing this… We say good morning (as per the agreement! Of course.) & everything is normal until he says something that hurts my feelings about a pic I sent him (I honestly can’t remember what! – this is why I should write more as I’m dating!). We barely speak the rest of the day. I consider just going to my usual gym class, which will mean he’d have to wait around to see me or not see me at all. But instead I stupidly wait for him. I cook my dinner, garlic chicken with spinach, while eating it, he messages saying that he’s finished work & did I still want to see him? I wish like hell I could’ve said no, but unfortunately my vagina thinks for me & I want to feel whatever it was that I felt that day at lunch.

I tell him that I just ate garlic chicken, he says he doesn’t care, I crack a bottle of red wine while typing out my address. WTF am I doing? For the first time in ages my heart starts racing about a guy, I gulp some wine. I think about brushing my teeth but think that I don’t care about my garlic breath, the red wine will taste funny if I use toothpaste now plus he’s been a dick to me today. I sit on the couch nonchalantly (aka trying to be cool) waiting for him to rock up – I’m acting like he can see me right now, but it’s like I’m practising for when he get here. I hear his car pull up & I swear that he’ll be able to see my heart beating when I open the door. I wait till he knocks to get up & open the door, I invite him in & ask if he wants wine, he declines & we just sit there chatting, not really watching whatever crap I’m watching on TV.

I feel the sexual chemistry buzzing between us as we sit on the couch, it’s been building for weeks while we’ve been sexting, me revealing fantasies that I haven’t ever shared with anyone before & I’ve also not been having as much sex as I was with other guys, there is just Max & Origin in the rotation now. But I’ve never felt this before, where I just want to make the first move. Where I want to jump him on the couch right now. I am also so scared that the sex is going to be shit, that this electric buzz I feel with him will just fizzle.

When he leans over to kiss me, all my fears are dashed. I taste his minty breath – like so minty that I realise he’s had mouth wash only seconds before getting to my house & I hope like fuck that he doesn’t taste the garlic or wine, but he mentions the garlic right away. I tell him to fuck off & giggle, he laughs & deepens his kiss with me. We aren’t the best kissers together but it gets me wet & I know he’s hard quickly. We’re stripping like teenagers, me unbuttoning his shirt & undoing his pants, while he pulls my top over my head. I fear that isn’t going to go well for us, we’re too eager. But we go into my bedroom & we fool around for a little bit before I’m getting him to put a condom on & as he glides over the top of me, we both moan as he slides in & know this feels perfect, this feels right, even though on so many levels this is so very wrong…

When he kisses my neck, when he touches my skin, I shiver. No man has ever had this effect on me – I mean this is the first time we’ve fucked. He fits inside me perfectly, like no other man ever has, he’s able to get me so close by just using his cock. How is that even possible? I also climb on top of him, fucking him – I never do that!! I’m. Always too self concious to be on top… But with him, I’m not… He flips us back over & puts my legs up on his shoulders, grabs my wrists, so rugged & manly pinning them above my head & he thrusts twice (yes only twice!) before I am convulsing, squirting like a porn star, unable to move, just having to ride though it with him as I’m cumming uncontrollably for him, he follows seconds later. How has his partner been able to stop herself from cumming with him for 10 years, I barely lasted 10 seconds!

Fuck me! (Hahaha, he just had!) well the chemistry translated. What the fuck just happened to me? I’m brought back to earth when he checks his watch & I’m rapidly brought back to the reality of this interaction. He has a time limit. He gets up to leave & I think that surely I have given him at least one amazing experience. If this is just a one night stand, then I surely have fulfilled my brief. I refuse to ask or say anything about catching up again. I let him leave with a ‘chat later’ half assed comment. I walk around my house, in a daze, I fix my bed & find the condom wrapper to bin it. My room smells like sex. It’s a different smell than what I’ve ever smelled before when a man leaves… I don’t know what it is. My body is well & truly fucked, I don’t wash or change my sheets as I’m too stated to do anything, I slip into bed thinking that’s probably the last time I ever see him & probably ever hear from him again.

I’m surprised to get a message from him on his way home, saying he had a good time, I smile like a complete loser that he was the first one to message – OMG, we’re fucking in trouble here! But when he gets home, he logs off & leaves me waiting. I start to fall asleep but then here the buzz of the chat app & I see his message, he snaps ‘Do you smoke?’ WTF, as if he even has to ask me this… I guess I did have garlic breath, which would’ve masked the cigarette smoke perhaps… But I don’t smoke, so I say no with a question mark. He says that his partner said she could taste smoke on him. Well it’s not me dude, but he needs to be careful. Almost sprung on the first night!

We chat late into the night before I ask him if tonight satisfied the itch or if it made it worse, he said ‘that it made it worse & he wanted to fuck me again soon, he loved fucking me.’ Yep, I’m fucked… Not only in the literal sense, but metaphorically – I am fucked. That wasn’t even epic sex but yet it was definitely the best sex that I’ve ever had… & I want more!!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

Erotica: Scene Eight – Watching

We’re getting close the end of the erotica series… What do you all think so far?

Here’s a link to the other scenes… Scene one – Nipple Bells, Scene two – Wake Up Call , Scene Three – His Orgasm & Scene Four – The Wake Up Call , Scene Five – Blindfold, Scene Six – Shower & Scene Seven – Anticipation

Scene Eight – Watching

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed when he walks in carrying something behind his back, smiling like a Cheshire cat.
I look up from unbuckling my sandals and can’t help but match his infections smile.
He hands me a black gift bag, I take it from him asking what’s it for.
“Open it” he says stepping back to sit on the chair in the corner of our room.
I smile, untying the ribbon & peering inside.
It’s a vibrator.
It’s white, long like a smooth fancy rabbit type device.
I am unable to hide my stunned look at what seems like such an odd gift.
There is also a bottle of toy cleaner, I take them out of the bag & hold them up, cocking my head to one side as if to say ‘WTF?’ as the gift bag breaks the silence falling to the floor from my lap.
“I want to watch you use it”
I blush & start to open my mouth to say that I can’t.
“Don’t think, just stand up & strip”
I hesitate
“Now” His voice is stern, not to be questioned, so I stand up, he does the same.
I turn so he can unzip my dress, which he does ever so slowly, his fingers unnecessarily grazing my skin.
The dress falls in a puddle by my feet, his hands lingering on my shoulders a moment.
I unclasp my bra & slowly turn to face him, he is already in just his boxers.
Our eyes lock.
I hook my fingers into my panties, he does the same in the band of his boxers & without looking away we both bend down till gravity takes the last remaining clothing to the floor.
He sits back in the chair, his hands resting on the arm rests of the tub chair.
I suddenly feel shy & vulnerable.
“I’m waiting”

Kink erotica sex watching.png

I look up at him, his face says it all.
I turn & sit on the edge of the bed, my fingers shaking as I pick up the new vibrator still in it’s packaging.
I take it out & spray it carefully with the toy cleaner, rubbing my hand up & down seductively.
Feeling brave, I decide to tease him a little & put it up to my lips to lightly suck the end of it.
I slide it further into my mouth not breaking eye contact with him & his mouth makes the shape of a O & he makes a manly laughing grunt sound, that lets me know he likes what he sees.
I see his cock twitching in his lap & I long to touch it, but it’s not what he wants.
I feel self conscious but I know he thinks I’m sexy, he tells me all the time.
I want to do this for him & feel as sexy as he sees me.
I click it on & it buzzes to life.
I turn it on to a pulsing setting & sit back a little further on the bed so my calves are still hanging partially off the bed.
I spread them wide & run the buzzing vibrator from my ankle all the way up to where I want it to touch.
I don’t hit that spot, I graze over it & down the other leg.
I bring it back up to run up my side & over my nipples where I shiver.
His cock starts to react as I glide the vibrator between my breasts & down south, towards the sweet spot.
As it hits my clit, I jump & moan.
I slip it between my legs so I am almost sitting on it.
I click the switch & turn it up a little.
I start to rock my hips on it, grinding against the vibe pulses.
I run my hands up across my breasts & rub my nipples till they are standing erect by themselves.
I look over to him, his cock is hard, it rests against his stomach, he hasn’t touched it yet, his hands are still on the arm rests.
I feel like I am wet enough to slide the vibe inside me, so I find another pulsing setting, bring one leg up to the edge of the bed so I am wide open to him.
I start poking the vibe in & out, shallow at first with each thrust it goes a little deeper inside me till it’s fully inside with smooth rabbit part resting on my clit.
I lean back on my hands, arching my back, tipping my head back, grinding my hips hard & starting to fuck it.
My breathing becomes loud, short & heavy.
My eyes are close as I rock hard & fast against the vibe.
I keep my legs still & locked, knowing from experience, of being tied down by him, that the orgasm will be much more intense.
I can almost not bare it anymore.
“Can I cum sir?”
“Good Girl” I can hear the smile in his voice.
I’m biting my lip, moving my hips even fast as my legs start to shake.
I lift my head to look at him, his gaze intense, his hand now furiously stroking his cock as I struggle to keep my wits about me.
His deep, dark gaze holds my attention, I can tell he doesn’t want me to look away, I lock my eyes to his.
As I’m about to beg him, his just simply says
“Cum”
I cry out, digging my nails into the bed behind me, I make a fist in the sheets. I rock harder & harder.
He stands just as my orgasm starts to take over.
Our eyes still locked, I want to look away but I can tell he wants this intimacy, this connection.
One stride & he is centimeters away, stroking his cock.
“I’m cumming” I cry out as his furiously strokes his cock
“Fuccckkkkk” I yell, incoherently
He mimics me in a deep voice as his cum spurts on my breasts.
He keeps rubbing his cock, groaning as if he wanted that that to go on.
He reaches between my legs & clicks off the vibe.
I instantly flop back onto the bed.
Completely spent, completely his. He hisses ‘yes’ though his teeth & I know I have pleased him.

#IBD4U

Guest Blog: 13 Things To Try If You’re New to BDSM

So, I’ve been doing some research for you all, as I am no expert! Some of my guest blogs, they’ve been articles abut the kink community, not actual other dating stories from my readers…

A friend shared this one & I thought it was perfect for those thinking they may want to try this kink world but are too scared at how to go about it. I started off slow & if you keep reading you’ll find out a lot more of this kink world I get into, however this article has some great ways to start exploring with your partner.

I will always suggest that you have a conversation with your partner before trying anything with them, consent even for a simple light spank is very important. Communication is the key, I was missing that with some of my exploration & now I am deeper in to kink, I understand how much communication can be required with a new partner!

Enjoy…

13 Things To Try If You’re New To BDSM

OK, so you know you’re turned on by BDSM and kink. You’ve thought a lot about it and maybe you’ve even done some of the things that the experts recommend you do before you get started with BDSM. (Sign up for that FetLife account yet?) You’re ready to start thinking about and planning your first “session” but… You’re not totally sure where to start. Perhaps your fantasies are more varsity level than JV and you want to start slow or maybe you’re just at a loss for ideas because, well, you’re a newbie!

Before we even get into activities, though, I want to take a minute and reassure you a little bit. I know that BDSM and kink can get kind of a bad rap in the media, like it’s some kind of deviant activity that only messed up people are into. Like a lot of things we see in mainstream media, though, that’s a total load of BS. BDSM and kink are practiced by all kinds of people with all kinds of backgrounds — and they play a huge role in the fantasy lives for a large proportion of women. There is nothing wrong with being into kinky sex play and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. All it means, in the end, is that you’re into kinky sex play!

Now that we have that out of the way, it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty. I have a million kinky friends (well, maybe not a million, but quite a few) who are happy to share their expertise on great entry level kink and BDSM activities for those of you who are 100 percent new to the game. I decide to focus specifically on suggestions made by Miette Rouge, 43, and Jenna, 26, both of whom are active members of their respective kink scenes. One more thing before we get started, though: they both wanted me to remind all of you that communication — before and after — is essential if you’re going to try any of these BDSM 1.0 things. Other than that? Enjoy!

10 lesson of my local kink scene sex dating

1. Hair Pulling

Miette suggests hair pulling as a good way to start getting into kinky play. It’s easy, doesn’t require any toys, and can be as gentle or as rough as you want it to be.

2. Light Spanking

Spanking is definitely a common fantasy and starting lightly is a good idea, with the option of ramping it up as you go, of course. Start with hands and then incorporate toys as you and your partner(s) become more experienced.

“I found it really exciting as a beginner to be told I had to count the number of blows I was going to receive because it was not only a pain thing, but a power thing,” Jenna tells Bustle.

3. Aggressive Language

Miette suggests incorporating aggressive language into your play. Words like “slut,” “whore,” “jerk,” “wimp,” and “f*ck” are all good places to start. Name calling, however, should definitely be pre-negotiated, as one slut’s turn on may be another jerk’s major turn off.

4. Tying Up With A Scarf

A lot of people fantasize about bondage and scarves a good place to start because they’re soft and it’s hard to do real damage with them — unlike, you know, rope and handcuffs. Miette’s main tip is to make sure that two fingers can be slipped between the tie and the skin in order to avoid cutting off circulation, which definitely can do damage.

5. Under The Bed Restraints

Once you’re ready to move on from scarves, Jenna recommends trying out under the bed restraints or “just canvas strap restraints.”

“Even if you don’t do anything else besides fool around, if you’ve never done it before giving up control over your body is an exciting intro to BDSM for beginners,” says Jenna.

6. Incorporating “Sir” Or “Madam”

In addition to aggressive language, Miette advises that a “sir” or “madam” can do wonder to set the stage. It’s a simple way to establish roles in a dom/sub scene and keep you both involved in the fantasy.

7. Biting

Biting is a great entry-level way to play, but Miette warns that talking about it beforehand is again essential — and part of that talk should be about marks. Some people are into them and some people really aren’t, so make sure you know where your partner stands before you start chomping down.

8. Subbing/Topping Role Playing

Jenna suggests that “something as simple as having your arms tied behind your back while performing oral sex” can be a really hot entry level activity for people who are just getting started. Other suggestions might include begging (for sex or punishment) as well as being put in or putting someone in a submissive physical position.

9. Play With “Pervertables”

Miette is really into what she calls “pervertables,” which are basically every day objects that can be transformed into toys. She recommends things like wooden spoons, brushes, spatulas and narrow things like canes, thin belts, and rulers with the metal guide on them if you want to make a mark. The best thing about these toys, according to Miette, is that no one but other kinksters will recognize them for what they are. They’re like a kinky secret signal!

10. Sensation Play With A Blindfold.

Both Miette and Jenna recommend blindfolded sensation play. What does that mean, you ask? Basically, you lightly restrain someone (or are restrained yourself, depending on your preference), blindfold them, and then introduce various sensations with various objects. So maybe you run a feather over them or you pinch them or you give them a spank or tease them to edge of orgasm. The idea is allow the non-blindfolded person to have control of everything that’s happening and for the blindfolded person to surrender control to them.

11. Floggers

A flogger is more like a BDSM 1.1 step rather than a BDSM 1.0 step, according to Jenna. She recommends to newbies, though, because the pain it provides isn’t very intense but it looks scary, which can heighten your enjoyment of it. Her second tip when it comes to this kind of pain play? “Leave the cane for once you’ve experienced a little more, because that sh*t hurts.”

12. Clothespins

Jenna also thinks that clothespins — which can be adjusted and removed quickly, if need be — are a good way to start exploring pain thresholds. She recommends trying them out on nipples, stomach, and inner thigh at first as you start to understand your or your partner’s limits. Once you’ve mastered these,

13. Candle wax

Candle wax is another way to play that Jenna tells Bustle “seems scary but isn’t, isn’t that painful, and is an exciting way to intro/explore pain.” Her only warning is that you do some research beforehand about different types of candles, as certain kinds burn hotter than others and those are the ones you don’t want.

Here is the website to this article https://www.bustle.com/articles/133513-13-things-to-try-if-youre-new-to-bdsm

#IBD4U

Max #7

I don’t see Max for a month, I’m not sure why, we talk sporadically, but he’s always busy. I am seeing other people, so I don’t bother too much about trying to invite him over… Maybe that’s where the problem lies? I won’t invite him over because I think he doesn’t want to see me, but he doesn’t want to invite himself over because he doesn’t know what I want either. Well regardless of why, we don’t see each other for almost a whole month, things have been weird, but I am seeing other people so I don’t have a lot riding on this.

He comes to my house on a public holiday Monday for lunch, he brings me vegan subway, which is nice of him to pick me up something. It’s a bit weird since we haven’t seen each other, but it’s ok. We have sex as usual, it’s kind of starting to become the same old, same old, but at least he turns me on a lot. I give him my spare key to my house, for him to fulfil a fantasy I have of an intruder. (Weird I know, but it seems like it might be fun.) Sweetie tells me that he is so excited… I keep waiting for him to use it when he knows I’m at the gym or asks me what time I will be home later. But I am always disappointed to come home without him lurking in the darkness.

A few days later I am in the bath chatting on my phone, in the chat groups & to Noodle (of course) when Max says that he wants to see me. I say that I just got in the bath & will let him know when I am out. I’m relaxing with Netflix, I think the TV show then was American Shameless, everyone in the group was talking about it so I started watching, so did Noodle so we had another thing in common. (Mind you I had to watch each season twice as I didn’t pay attention chatting to Noodle) When I hear someone at my door, I hear the key turning & the door open. I think instantly that one of my family members has rocked up unannounced. I contemplate getting out the bath but then I see Max standing in the doorway of my bath before I even have a chance to do anything. I jump a fucking mile. He laughs & walks into the bathroom, immediately forgetting the naked woman in the bath & focusing his attention on the my underfloor heated tiles!

I sit in the bath sheepishly, being that it’s never a flattering look for me, as I still have weight to lose which I believe is all in my gut. So floating around in the bath, I feel massive, but he doesn’t seem to notice or care. I mean this guy has seen me naked a hundred times, but this is probably the most vulnerable I’ve felt with him. His hand slips in the bath running up & down my leg as I lie there trying to look sexy & not like I am uncomfortable. He’s turning me on slowly & I start to squirm. He takes off his clothes & contemplates getting in the bath but gets me to stand up instead, taking me into the bedroom in my towel before teasing me till I’m squirting everywhere & needing another bath!

Max cunt sex dating prick.png

Max & I are in a weird kind of relationship, I don’t know why he pulls away so much but tells me that he wants me & doesn’t want to stop seeing me. But he gives me enough that I don’t stop seeing him. Just enough of him to keep me interested, but not enough that I will get attached. But he should know that I am a heart of stone by now. I can’t care about anyone now, I am doing this all for me. He’s got a wife, a wife who I am actually friends with but the way he gives me a little then disappears is doing my head in. I don’t care too much being that I am chatting to other men, seeing other men but it still kind of hurts a little that he was so full on to start with then pulls back without warning.

It’s another 2 weeks before I see Max again, he’s basically not talked to me that whole time, spouting bullshit about being so busy when he does talk to me. It’s my pet hate as you all know, so disrespectful… It makes me feel like a fucking idiot for still hanging in there with this guy. I am talking to Sweetie a lot & we’re talking about going to another Switch. A lot of people from the chat group are going. Its kind of like a meet & greet type thing so it should be fun. Max & Sweetie are going in with me, no doubt we’ll end up in a 3sum later that night.

Sweetie gets to my house earlier than Max & I offer for her to have a bath at my house, being that they don’t have a good bath & my bathroom was recently renovated so I could have a bigger bath. She’s in the bath when Max comes over with dinner from their favourite Chinese restaurant. Max says hello to Sweetie in the bath & I feel weird about this, what I am supposed to do? I just stand in the kitchen eating. Sweetie gets out the bath & we get ready to go to switch. We’re running late as what’s usual when I’m with them.

The night is fun, we’re all dancing & enjoying then night. Max barely paid any attention to me all week, but I refuse to let that ruin my night with my friends. He also barely pays attention to me at the nightclub, when messages me to say “What the fuck” I go find him & ask him what he means, we don’t really resolve it – I have no idea what it meant or why he sent it. I don’t get what he means or what is going on. This is not the time to be talking about this when I am drunk! We’ve all seen what shit I do when drunk, look at me with Origin a few weeks ago…

We’re all on the dancefloor dancing away, it’s a fun night till I see Max also on the dance floor…He’s a few people away from me, I think he’s going to make some moves on me when he gets closer but as the crowd parts (Like a movie scene) I see that he’s got his hands on the hips of a really young chick from the chat app group, who’s here with us & they’re dirty dancing. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK…? Now I know that Max & I aren’t exclusive, but he’s here with me & his wife, who he clearly can’t keep satisfied being I want more sex, surely he doesn’t want a third woman? & her, what about the girl code? This is my supposed friend who knows he has a wife & that I’m seeing him, what the fuck is she doing?

They disappear for ages, I end up kissing Sweetie & another couple (story to come about them!) I don’t know if it’s to get back at him or because I’m so pissed off, or what it is, but I feel like a fucking fool right now.

Sweetie knows I’m angry, she doesn’t seem entirely happy about the situation either… She even texts me to ask if they should go home & not stay at my house… I respond & say they can stay but I’m not sure that’s what I want. I barely speak to him on the way home in the taxi, he’s a fucking arrogant asshole to think that this is ok behaviour & what I’m mostly pissed off about, is I’m being so stupid & allowing it!

Back at my house, I am inside talking to Sweetie while Max is outside having a smoke, when I realise he is not going to deal with this issue but they are staying at my house, so I need to address it & let him know this is not ok with me. I go outside to chat to him about it & he’s of course sorry, I’m not 100% convinced he’s genuine about it or just sorry he got caught & I’m unlike his wife in the way that I won’t tolerate his bullshit. She’s way more submissive in life than I am, I won’t let him get away with this shit… I can’t…

We talk though, I ask for my key back & tell him that this is not ok… (I mean he’s had my spare key for ages but used it once, not for the reason it was intended…) But again what is wrong with my stupid vagina? I let him start kissing my neck & I stupidly melt… Next minute the 3 of us are on the couch together kissing, touching & then we end up in bed together, this time we tie up Sweetie as I’m not in the mood to be tied up by him & we drip candle wax all over her. It’s fun to be the dominant one sometimes & I actually realise that I am a Switch. A switch means that you like to be submissive but can also be dominant. I know that I am mostly submissive, but I do enjoy the dominant side that comes out sometimes…

The next morning, we all have sex again, I ask to spank Max’s ass, which he screams like a little girl being chased & I realise that I’ll never get to be dominant with him. It’s all normal in the morning. Like nothing happened last night, I make coffee’s & teas before they Sweetie goes home to relieve the babysitter. Max stays for a bit but then also leaves… When I walk back inside to start tidying up from the night before, I see my spare keys on the kitchen table. My heart sinks a little… I know I asked for it back, but I also didn’t think he’d give up so easily…

#IBD4U