Month: Dec 2025

March 2025 – Anniversary Present

26 March 2025 – The next morning, I get a Phoenix rant, he’s being an asshole today – one sweet thing this week & then I have to deal with an asshole for the rest, “I don’t actually mean to piss you off , honestly, especially before we are going to say goodbye.  Timing I’m guessing is just not my thing , also I don’t mean to get full d and m before I’m not available either ..that just happens naturally, and again, just bad timing on my behalf. Yesterday you said something that I could instantly pick up apart , part of the reason I picked it apart was you tried to apply something unique to me that I knew wasn’t, I picked it apart and told you not to piss you off, just that I disagreed with it, and the timing was just bad when you told me that and I disagreed. I think you did this through our first affair… you obviously told a few little lies here and there to make me feel special , maybe even to convince yourself sometimes I guess. But also I’m a smart ass , and can be a dick. It’s part of my personality. But it’s okay, because you are kidding yourself if you don’t think that it part of my personality you find attractive about me !  Mind you it took alot of will power not to tell you your DNA was already all over Adelaide when I was going back to work to handle customers vegetables with my hands covered in your cum! But I laughed and kept it to myself haha.”

I tell him that he’s just jealous that when he was in his stupid open relationship that he didn’t get to fuck anyone & I fucked everything because he told me he was doing it. I also tell him to go fuck everything now & then come find me when he’s done. I am sick of having this rubbed in my face. “Wow you are pissed at me. You do realize I don’t hold it against you what you did post affair right? I might have poked fun at it. But I didn’t expect you to do anything differen’t. Nor do I hold it against you. Or think any less of you. I would of done the same 100%” I am so angry that I can’t help but snap back “Because you say “fun fact” my wife never supports my hobbies, always makes fun of me blah blah blah. Yet you do the same to me… All the time. Maybe it’s ok to make fun once or twice, but 45 million times about the one thing that I hate most about myself…  I don’t want to stop having an open honest, jokey relationship with you but I just can’t handle any more about who I’ve fucked or what I did. It’s all we’ve talked about.”

I don’t even know why we keep talking about this shit… “First of all, I rarely ever made fun of your hobbies? I did it only for rope because it made me insecure because it’s a sexual activity I would never be good at. Second of all its not all we have talked about. Third of all I had no idea how much you hated that about yourself. And you are reading me wrong sometimes. We need to have a chat in real life about this. Because it’s not going tto work over text. And I keep avoiding it in real life with you. Because I don’t feel like I made you out to be the slutty one yesterday afternoon or this morning…. You did that one yourself. There were things that hurt me in your blog that I probally need to talk to you about irl so you can read my tone, body language and not read it wrong via text. And I probably need to hear you defend yourself too irl. Because this is not going to work.” Never made fun of my hobbies – but then admitted he did about rope… Yeah never made fun of me at all! I agree that we need to talk in real life, I just don’t want to spend the little time we do get together talking about men I’ve fucked… That’s not fun for anyone. But ironically, I can’t recall ever having a conversation in real life with him about this.

By Jeez, I’ve fucking got it! I am going to get him the best anniversary present, it’s perfect! It’s small, its intimate, something that will show him how much he means to me, it’s something that will give him peace of mind about our relationship & show how much I trust & love him… Hang on, am I even still single?! I push that thought out of my head…

I head over to the shops in my break; I walk up to Mr Minit with my house keys in hand & start picking out some coloured keys. They have ones with animals & other things, so I pick our one with my animal on it & because green is my favourite colour, I pick out one with aliens on it. Weird but that’s what I picked. As I stand there waiting, I see keyrings, they have heart ones, so I choose one of them too. The dude asks if I want it engraved & I said no because I didn’t want to be too lame, I hadn’t really thought of a message anyway & if she finds them without engraving, he could say he found them at work in the carpark or something, but if they have his name on it or mine or the anniversary date he wouldn’t be able to easily lie about them. However, whatever lie he would have told would have been so fucking unbelievable, but she would have believed it. Looking back I wish I had of had the key ring engraved, maybe just the date & our first initials only. My first initial is the same as hers, so he could say that they fucked up the date with her birthday, so he had to get another made… Or some other bullshit reason… So this is a perfect gift idea! Just now that I have it, when am I going to give it to him without feeling like a wanker?!

Out of the blue -like he knows that I have just been out using my lunch break to buy his anniversary present, he says, “I’m sorry for making you feel bad about sleeping around. IBD4U… honestly I didn’t realize how much it effected you , and how you view it today … you said you are not proud of it these days, but I can see I have really affected you when I have brought it up, and honestly I didn’t think I was. Turns out you are very different person to who you were 5 years ago. In that regard and I should of picked up on it and not given you shit for it. So yeah. Sorry for being such a dick about it. And I’m going to try and avoid being a dick about it. I met you through a stage…and clearly you are not in that stage any more, and you have even had some self reflection about it” Wow, he literally goes from being a cunt to Mr nice guy… “Thank you… It effects me cos of how you feel about… I know I feel shit about it & would literally erase about 80% of my sexual past if I could…  hate that I’m so pathetic & have never been loved & used sex as a way to get men to like me… Its fucking tragic, I’ve said it before.. I just never wanted you to think that about me too.” He says that 9 times out of 10 it’s his jealousy, I get that, but I just don’t want him to think I am a tragic loser & be the butt of his jealousy. “Hahahaha oh IBD4U. I still veiw you as one of the coolest chick’s I have ever known. You are an idiot in that regard… But I did think it was cute you told me you did geocaching before. You would been doing it during our first affair and never told me. I wish you could of told me stuff like that. I have no idea why you told me you did the sex party stuff….and I’m not sure why you told me you did maslins….you told me this stuff usually after sex, in person and not online …so not sure it was part of the tit for tat thing. All it did was make me think you were even cooler at the time…I wasn’t even jealous, I just viewed you even more as a cooler chick haha, and frankly too cool for me. Did you know you even told me about the first time you fucked dom dom, and you told me you fucked married men because of me as part of that story. I was so disappointed I knew 95% of your blog hahah.”

To try to lighten the mood I say, “You know, though babe… I was thinking… If we’re not having ‘sex’ cos of my mouth, then we still can do anal, cos anal isn’t considered cheating & it’s from behind so my mouth will be ok?? 🤔” He snaps my name & then tells me that made him instantly hard. He now admits that we will have sex the day after my surgery if I am feeling ok, but we can’t fuck all day. He is going to take me out. I am super excited about the day out if I am being honest… “I gotta say…. As much as I want to fuck you all day…. I am super excited to go on a drive with you… Get ice cream, go for a walk….” He tells me that he is excited about it too.

He does ask me why his opinion of him matter so much to me now, he says that he saw my whole attitude toward sex change. I guess I don’t explain it to him well, but his opinion of me matters to me, so when he’s poking fun or taking jabs at my sex life outside of him constantly, I feel shit about myself. Even with him, the whole eight years, I basically felt like I had to talk about sex & nothing else because that’s all that kept him interested… He says that he wishes I shared more with him & just not what every other guy got. But he doesn’t realises that no other guy gets the type of sex we have, no other guy gets the stupid shit I say to him, I just don’t want to show him the real me & find out that he doesn’t like who I am.

---

27 March 2025 – The next morning I go back to what I know best, making the conversation all about sex – this is what I know, this doesn’t make me feel like shit about my choices. I tell him that he should call me on his five minute drive to hear me cum, I get out a vibrator & get myself ready to cum when he calls, which he does but we have some internet issues & it keeps cutting out, but he does hear me cum once at least. Because he missed it once, I send him a video instead of the second & third time that I cum.

We chat all day about shit & we got onto the fact that I gave him a Samsung watch & ask if that’s why he got me a bracelet, he says not on purpose but maybe subconsciously because he says that he looks at the watch & is reminded of me. I tell him he did well picking out the bracelet, it’s very me & I love it, “I always think I’m terrible at it, but yeah the main reason I wanted to get you a bracelet over other stuff is to differentiate you from my wife , she can’t wear them because of her job, obviously she is not an office chick. She also doesn’t wear normal gold for whatever reason, only white gold, so there was no turning back or mix up for that one …” Well I guess at least that’s something. I never even realised that he knew I wore gold… I used to be a silver girly, never wore gold but as I got older I changed over to gold & prefer it. Also I love how he said he wouldn’t talk about her as much – why do I need to know she wears white gold?!

He asks me questions about my cameras & we talk about them for a while, him asking why I keep the footage, I say “Hahaha, no, I used to keep cos in case anything happened to me. You can’t deny you were here or how long… 🤷🏼‍♀️” He asks why he would deny it, I say “Because you already whittled both our first & second affairs down to toothpicks saying they were a quarter of the time they were so I knew you would this one… And if I am hurt badly & lose my memory or am dead, I wanted my sister to have evidence that it a) happened & b) for how many years…” He always told me that his wife would kill me & she knows where I live thanks to him, so I did it mainly for the blog but then for protection. “sometimes you fucking scare me IBD4U.  I find it odd that it pissed you off so much I lied to my wife how long the affair was. how does it affect you. I was trying to convince myself or you. wasnt* I mean I didnt think it was a year either haha. thought it was like 8 months or something. but it wasn’t done to belittle you. so you have everytime I visited, with video proof and time stamps?” I tell him that I didn’t put them in because of him, “Well I didn’t get the cameras because of you, I got them when the shit went down with T**y & the creep down the road started knocking on my door… So I didn’t do it to ‘catch you.’ It was my first love & you made it insignificant by saying it was just blow jobs on a Tuesday night & was 3 months… that fucking hurt me… So of course I care!” He asks if I really expected him to tell the truth to her, well no I didn’t but it hurt being that it’s a relationship he was trying to leave, he told me she knew everything & nothing could hurt their relationship now, which I still don’t believe she knows everything. “she knows everything these days. she obviously knows we fucked. and it was more than 3 months. and not blowjobs.” She doesn’t know about affair number two right before she married him.. She doesn’t know that five months later as a married man, he started fucking me again & hasn’t stopped for five years!

Now he changes his story, defending her again when I say that he told me she’d kill me, “na shes not a physcopath and she has 2 children.  she may of tried to fight you maybe. she would never kill anything. shes way to straight for that. and has way more empahty than I ever could have. may of thought about it, but she could never do it. but def has mental issues. she may go there first. but who do you think the cops are coming to first if someone kills you? like old mate on your street. fucking me.” Ok, so I’m the psychopath for saving the videos then… He says that he didn’t say that, “wtf. all Im saying is I didnt realize you used to monitor my visits… just assumed you wouldnt look at me haha. Im just your regular monthly visistor and friend. Im not angry or getting weird about it. just suprised me. I’m not always having a go at you 😕” I didn’t fucking monitor his visits… “You told me flat out, your wife wanted to kill me & you had to stop her multiple times from coming over here… So don’t say to me she has a heart of gold, respected me & wasn’t going to do anything.” He says I am twisting things, but I can’t see fucking how I am twisting it that I tell him I will turn them off in future so I am not monitoring him, “I guess you’ve already told me you don’t trust me, so I shouldn’t be surpised you think I’m gonna use it against you.” He says that he didn’t say that “IBD4U fuckin stop okay. I don’t find you scary. I trust you. Fuck me. You have lost some confidence.” It’s not about confidence, I say, “Well I don’t want you to think I am monitoring you, like your wife going through you phone…”

We talk about the blog again for fuck sake, but he says again that there is nothing in it that surprises him, I’d told him about the interaction with his brother, I’d said all the snippy things to him about his wife, but I mention that I didn’t explain his childhood trauma in detail because it’s not my story to tell but also would be easy to identify him if I explained it in detail, he says “That I find odd. But it’s obviously why you justify alot of my bad behaviours towards you… Which is just stupid. Well it probably influenced some decisions too.” I don’t think he would be ok with me telling the story though. He asks if I believed it & I say yes, I had googled it at some point, I never thought he was making anything up to get sympathy. It’s funny how Rob Rob didn’t even want to be called Rob Rob in my blog because he thought it would be too identifiable, yet Phoenix is happy for me to share his childhood trauma that is so clearly identifiable. I am not going to share it but I don’t change my opinion of how it shaped what he did to keep his kids. Right in the middle of this intense topic, he says “I Gotta go. Night IBD4U xo” & he’s gone, leaving my simple pissed off response of “Night.” left on unread… FUCK YOU PHOENIX!!! How many times do I have to say how much that fucks me off?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Bracelet

25 March 2025 – In the morning he says good morning but then his usual morning rant, which includes “If if is too much or I really fuck you off please tell me and I can back off. I obviously don’t want to upset or piss you off when for the times you can’t have me…” He has gone through our chat that I save & re read some of it, picking up on things I said two days ago. I don’t want him to back off, I’ve always wanted this. I don’t need Phoenix full time, I would prefer he didn’t have a wife – of course & was all mine & I would prefer he didn’t want other women, but this honesty, communication & connection is all I ever asked for. I never asked for him to see me more, I never asked him to leave her, that doesn’t mean I don’t want it, but if he wants to pull away, he will & he will blame me for getting annoyed & justify why it ends. I had said that I felt like things were different with him for about a year, things just felt different, he doesn’t think he changed & maybe he didn’t but I felt it.

As I am rolling over in bed, reading his messages, I remember the bracelet on my wrist, one of the love’s has indented my arm, I take a picture of it & send to him, “So this actually happened… It wasn’t a dream…” he says “Yeah wasn’t a dream 😋 I don’t think I changed or felt any difference 🤷‍♂️ Personally I changed.. I was extremely depressed and struggled my first 2 years at the new job.I lost all confidence in myself .. I’m surprised i didn’t start drinking … But I did binge eat … haha. If you didn’t notice as I got fatter.” I did notice, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t really care, I don’t like skinny guys.

I explain how he pisses me off just saying I have to go “Like who wants to be left on unread all the time… I’ve had enough of it in 8 years than anyone else would have put up with… Yet I still do it. I still get the rushed goodbye while having a normal convo… And I’m always grossly aware of the time thinking, he’ll be gone soon, need to wrap this up…” I think he’s genuine when he asks, “Well what can I do to make it easier for you? Do you want me to set an alarm and just only engage in small talk? Or say good bye before I need to go and end the convo a solid 15 minutes before I need too? I want to make this as easy as I possible can for you. So tell me what I can do to make it easier for you.” I don’t want him to set an alarm & only talk bullshit to me, I don’t want to be an obligation either, that’s my fear, I want him to want me. I want him to want to say goodbye to me properly, knowing that it upsets me & would upset him if I did it to him. I just tell him that I don’t want to feel like a fool & he says that he can work with that, but I 100% know he won’t & we’ll be having this conversation again, I’m sure of it! I’ve told him this before & he still does it, eight years later, he is still making me feel like a fool & while he says he cares, he really doesn’t. I know he doesn’t get it & he thinks I’m a idiot for letting it upset me.

He brings up the past again, that the conversation just is about us both wanting to get one up on the other when we started chatting again during affair one. He was telling me about his kinky open relationship to hurt me & I was posting on fetlife – not telling him directly that I had had anal sex once with a guy. But honestly, I am sick of feeling like shit about my past… I am single I can do what I want, he is fucking married, fucking his wife regularly… So why do we always come back to who I fucked when he broke my fucking heart… I ask, “Can we ever go a day without making me feel shit about the fact I have a past??” But he seems to think that without everything I did during that time we were apart, we wouldn’t be here now, which is probably true. I tried to replace him & couldn’t. He says he not always trying to put me down, trivialise my feelings or make me feel ashamed of my sexual history. “I feel like you are even more self conscious now that I’ve read your blog and even more ashamed… It’s kinda cute you are ashamed a little and self concious about it with me though haha.” I mean I don’t think it’s cute, I feel like every time he brings it up he’s attacking me or trying to make himself feel better by making me feel shit. But he says because I literally talk about him in every post, I redeem myself, I say it’s not about redemption, he wasn’t supposed to ever read it, which is why he finds this funny! “Especially the papa roach concert, yes I wrote it addressing it to you but I didn’t expect you to see it….” That post is kind of embarrassing now, but it’s what made him reach out so maybe I should just be happy he did. He says now that everything he thought I told him that he didn’t believe because of his own insecurities, he obviously has now read in my blog so he believes me.

What’s interesting is that he says, “I literally did everything I could to enrage you and encourage you to block me. Say some of the worst and meanest things to you while you are being honest with me, even vulnerable admitting that to me. You are definitely a retard.” I don’t ask at the time, but why didn’t he just block me himself?! He had digs at me about having an STI & needing to glen 20 his mouth, he is so perplexed how we are still chatting when he’s said shit like that… & I wonder too, why was he so mean, why couldn’t he just block me? “Honestly I been trying not to enrage most of the time. Just sometimes jealously hits and I get angry. But I refused to believe things you told me , especially when it came to other men , or some of your sexual encounters, or anything you have ever told me ….. until I read your blog …. I just thought you were lying to me, trying to feed my ego.” I have never been one to feed his ego, I do not spin him bullshit, but he says “You literally manipulated me with sex just to keep me in your life for 5 years.” FUCK OFF. That is not manipulation, I wanted sex, I asked for it & he obliged. Not like I rocked up at his door naked trying to fuck him or blackmailed him. “Yeah you did. You just sent me sexy messages until I caved in and fucked. You. And kept doing it for 5 years . Knowing I have a dick, knowing I have a weakness for you, and knowing I know you are real and will do anything you text me IRL.” Well that’s not really manipulation is it?! & besides he was the one who would come back online & ask how my sexy little cunt was.. “well…umm. we manipulated each other with sex. you played along though. you enticed me to fuck you!!! and you are the one that enticed me and pushed to fuck me the first time in this affair, and kept teasing me, sending me sexy pics, making me hard, until I gave in!!” Wasn’t hard to get him to ‘cave in’, you’re a dickhead Phoenix!!

He spends time going through the #IBD4U Facebook comments, I no longer have access to the page after losing my personal Facebook page, so I have no way of using the page but Phoenix thinks it’s a good idea to read the comments, saying that his posts sparked the most comments, which is true, but that they really hated him after the first breakup. He’s laughing at some of them & it’s stroking his ego, not a surprise. I ask him if he’s getting off on it & he says no comment. He says that if he knew there was a blog complete with quotes he would have tried harder even with the spelling & grammar. He is loving the comments, “hahah somone saved their ‘noodle’ posts to enjoy on their day off to read with a bottle of wine! you can’t make up this shit.” I hate that I can’t delete the Facebook page or unpublish it now! His head is way too big as it is. “oh this is a good one…. someone told you they were though about making their boyfriend read your noodle posts for inspiration. Yeah. I get off on this shit.” God he’s a fucking idiot, hahaha! “omg I even got a hashtag. from readers. #maketimefornoodle.” Fuck he’s a smug dickhead right now!

Right before he’s about to go offline for the night, I am about to finish work & he starts banging on about how I called Max my boyfriend. I know Max called me his girlfriend but I 100% never thought of Max as my boyfriend & never used that term about anyone besides the guy I owed my house with, the one with the pseudonym Boyfriend. Phoenix doesn’t let up, he just keeps pushing the topic & I refuse to agree with him, “Fine I’m not gonna argue with you cos you’ll go offline in a minute & I don’t want to always go about my night pissed off.” He then says that I apparently told him I had no feelings for Max, which is true, I liked him as a friend & enjoyed the time I had with him, so I ask “How can you call someone you have no feelings for, your boyfriend?!” He says that I told him he was my boyfriend & he had a key, yeah he had a key for a scenario that he never used them for… But then again neither did Noodle when he had a key… He says “I was jealous I didn’t have a key. And thought I deserved one. And I got one haha. Eventually.” I say that I had them cut specifically for him, I didn’t want him to have the same keys that max had, which were just my regular spare set of keys. “It’s kinda cute… It meant so much to me… Especially after you told me he had one …. I would of been all cool about it… But it meant alot to me. I was clearly a better a friend, clearly cared for you, clearly closer to you, was now fucking you , and fucking you more than him. And I was pissed he had a key.” To be clear, they didn’t have keys at the same time, long before I had keys cut for Phoenix, I had the keys back from Max.

He brings up the fact that J-lo & Rob Rob know about my blog & he didn’t – that they knew about him & he didn’t know about them. Sorry, did he not have a woman publicly humiliating me that I didn’t know he was fucking close too & getting her address?! Nether of these guys did anything to make him feel like a fool publicly & they were big supporters of Phoenix, actually giving me advice on what I should do. Phoenix should be thanking them for things they said to me about him. Every fucking day he beings up something that pisses me off right before he has to go offline because she’ll be home soon, every fucking god damn day! “I don’t know if it’s intentional but you do it everyday & not sure if it’s cos you know you’re going offline so you want to pissed at me cos you don’t want to miss me or if you’re just an actual cunt every fucking day… 🤷🏼‍♀️” I call it the Phoenix special, he says that it’s not intentional, “Honestly. I do not want you pissed off at me when I got off-line. I don’t know what to say to you now. I don’t want to piss you off more. I’m sorry for bringing them up again okay. That one was bad timing. You make me sound like a pizza. The Phoenix Special.” It’s her birthday today & I am so fucking angry, that I snap, “Have a good evening, I hope she appreciates her jewellery as much as I do! Chat later ABC.” I put my phone in my pocket & finish picking up the dog poo without interruption.

I wait long enough that I know he’s logged off before I look at his message, “She has no jewellery… But okay then. You are a twat. I got her massage voucher if you are wondering, didn’t even get her any jewellery. And now you have picked a fight with me and left it fuckhead haha.” He’d also mentioned something earlier about spending more money on me. Not something I care about or what he got her. I just said that cos I was fucked off. I’m sick of feeling like shit about talking to men when he has done the same the whole time he’s known me. I tell him I didn’t pick a fight & when he comes back online he says, “You said a bitchy statement. Fun fact, I got you a bracelet because I have never got her one. But whatever.” Oh yes, the other Phoenix special – he has to be more angry than me, I forgot about that… “See & now you turn it around & crack the shits at me… I can never be the one that’s shitty, can I? You always have to be more pissed off than me.” He says I can do whatever I like, which isn’t true because if I am angry, he gets angrier & then I have to stop fighting him about whatever we’re talking about to make him feel better. He says that he almost didn’t come back online tonight & because of how we left it, I would have been so annoyed that he would 100% be giving her birthday sex & I would not have wanted to talk to him tomorrow. He says that he’d like to see how long I would have lasted!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Anniversary #2

24 March 2025 – I drive home without looking at my phone, I am fuming. He is so dumb it hurts… She manipulated him so badly & he believed her & is now defending her to me, on our fucking anniversary! The first time in eight years that we’ve acknowledged it & he has to fucking defend the women he married – I get it, you chose her… She’s perfect & can’t do anything wrong. I’m the bitch. I’m the mistress making her man love me…. Yeah ok fuckwit! Why are we even talking about her! She got him, I get it, you don’t need to keep rubbing it in my fucking face that I didn’t say I love you enough so you didn’t chose me when push came to shove… Say you chose her because of your kids all you want, but he could have had the kids & me if he believed how much I loved him & wasn’t so fucking scared of being alone!

It’s a Monday night so she’s at work, a night when we get to chat to each other longer but I really have no desire to look at my messages from him. I know I am just going to say something rude & I want this day to be a happy day – but that’s shot to shit. I pull in the driveway see the flowers on my doorstep, I am going to stomp on them & throw them away, he is a fuckhead. Do not defend your wife to your mistress, especially when your wife is mentally unstable & played you like a fiddle… As I walk inside, I am struggling with all my crap in my arms – I have my jacket, handbag, lunch bag & an open can of coke, plus my keys, when I pick up the flowers & I realise that there is something under the mat, I lift the mat corner & notice a long rectangular navy blue box with a gold embossed line around the edge. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS… Is this jewellery? What the fuck has he done!? I walk inside, put all my stuff down desperate to open the box. I open it to reveal a very thin gold bracelet with three little ‘Love’ words two in gold & one in silver, spaced evenly. It’s very delicate & very me considering I lately always mix my metals. Fuck you Phoenix. I sigh, but I smirk, which leads to a smile. I snap it shut trying to keep this angry mood, I feed the dogs & go to the toilet, but I come back to the bracelet, I smile as I open the box again, I take it out & put it on.

“Firstly, thank you for the flowers & bracelet. I fucking hate that I am smiling like a fucking wanker…. 😑 Secondly, don’t just trivialise my feelings all the fucking time…” Phoenix won’t believe this but no man has ever bought be jewellery before. I fucking love it & never want to take it off. “I don’t? Sucked in. You smiled. You have something to remember I love you now. Mind you I don’t think you ever needed reminding …” He says that the flowers were just a decoy for the cameras – that’s probably why they are just a standard bunch – I mean I am not knocking supermarket flowers, they are so much nicer than they used to be back in the day, they are still amazing flowers that have pride of place on my kitchen table but my point in the last post, was that they were modest because they weren’t the gift!!

I tell him how much I love it, the bracelet on my wrist melting my mood & changing the subject, I am kind of glad he didn’t give it to me face to face because I am not good with gifts, but I also say that he didn’t have to buy me a bracelet, I fucking love that he did, but he didn’t have to do it, he says. “Na you deserve it, you have done way too much for me over the last 8 years.” Well one thing about our friendship is that we have nothing to show for eight years except what is on my computer or saved in our snapchat conversation. So now that I have something from him, something to remind me of him (not that I need it) but something branding my wrist everyday to remind me that I am loved. I never need to question that, I can just look at my wrist & know that I am loved, even when he’s offline.

I know it’s not a cheap piece of crap, it’s from Prouds, it’s definitely gold, he says that the money is worth it, but I am not comfortable with it, considering he didn’t take the family to the Falling in Reverse concert the other night because it was too expensive & here’s a couple of hundred dollars that could have been put towards that. I love it don’t get me wrong, but I would have been happy with the flowers, a lunch date or a box of Cheezels to be perfectly honest! I never needed gifts from him, they’re great but I don’t need it. All I ever wanted from him was for him to be honest with me, tell me when he’s going to be on & offline, he never needed to buy me jewellery. I do tell him that it’s a first for me, he says he believes me. He says it’s not cheap but it’s not expensive “I should have the first time. Should of got you something a long time ago.” I mean I wish I had something, even just a photo of us, just something to prove we’ve had something more than just a secret affair. “But happy anniversary, I am glad I met you.” Awwww fuck. “And thank you for everything you have ever done for me, I know it’s not easy being the other woman. And you have had to do a lot of things for me to see me. That I took for granted. So yeah. You deserve it.” Fuck if I knew that reading my blog came with jewellery & confessions, I would have sent it to him years ago! I tell him that I love having something from him, that I love it & I love him. He says “And for some strange reason you still put up with me, and the shit I give you, sill make time to see me, still make an effort to work around me to see me after 8 years.” Yeah I don’t know why sometimes considering todays stupid conversation about his wife, I don’t know why I have stuck around.

About three sentences in to this next line of questioning, I hate myself for asking him if he had help picking it out. He asks who would have helped him & I say the salesperson, which he says they helped but he said he didn’t want to get me a ring for obvious reasons. I ask  “What did you say, I’m just buying something for my mistress what do you suggest??” I’m laughing, knowing he didn’t say that, but the smile is wiped off my face quickly, “I lied and said wife… Haha but would of be interesting to see the reaction.” FUCK. “Hmmm, I guess I asked for that stab.” The stab hurts more because I know her birthday is tomorrow too, so I bet he bought her jewellery too & suddenly I am realising that this doesn’t really mean much at all… Just another gift he had to buy because I made a big deal about the anniversary by putting the countdown on snapchat & saying it this morning. Fuck, why did I make a big deal about it… Urgh. I try to lighten my mood by saying that I don’t know how I’m going to explain it, maybe I’ll just say “It’s a gift from my married ex boyfriend who’s reading my blog…”

He says that he wishes he could’ve given it to me in person, I say that he could have but he said he didn’t know if he’d have time & so I say he could’ve given it to me on another day but he says he wanted me to have it today. But he could have shopped for our jewellery at the shops near my work & then had lunch… But I guess he didn’t want me to see what he got her, but he could have put it in the car, getting there early to buy it without telling me. I never expected a gift, so I didn’t think to get him anything. I have to think of something good, something he can hide but something that lets him know how much I love him. Fuck, what can I get him?!

I then have a little confession to tell him, “My sister gave me her phone last night to try to get rid of some notification her FB – it wouldn’t go away, so I was playing around with the app, the first post on her wall (if that’s what they’re called these days) was a suburb group that she’s in, I dunno what, like a buy swap sell or something… So I checked… You’re in it… You’ve posted in it… I looked at some of them…“ Basically it was the most boring stalk on the planet, but I looked & then couldn’t stop searching the group, “Okay. And the point of this is ? Haha. Why would you even tell me? Haha.” I don’t know but I guess because I don’t like to stalk & I got caught up it in… He posted nothing exciting, literally was bullshit mostly about the postie.

I mention something about The Handmaids Tale & it coming out soon, Phoenix tells me about some streaming service called Plex that runs off your PC, you download all your shows then you can stream them from your PC using Plex. He says that he could get the Handmaids Tale for me & give me his plex details. I say that I won’t hold him to it, but he says that he’ll look into it for me. He says something about his wife watching crime docos & I don’t want to talk about her again or know that I have something in common with her. I say that I don’t want to be like her & he says that I am much sexier but he also asks if I want him to stop mentioning her. I mean I want him to be honest about her & I don’t want him to have to sensor what he talks about with me, she is part of his life – the biggest part of his life, I just wish it wasn’t so often or that he is so defensive about her. He says I go funny when he mentions her, yeah because he brings her up a lot, usually as a compliment to me & how much better I am, yet you still fucking choose to be with her every day. But most of the things he says just make me feel bad about myself, like how much weight she is losing or how much money she earns…

I tell him about the weird stalker down the street who offers to mow my lawns sometimes, I figure that the camera footage I have of that will help a murder investigation for me, but Pheonix says he will be the main suspect, well to be honest, his wife would be. When he watches the videos he says “I mean if I was diving Past and saw you wearing that. And you were single. And I had seen you on tindee. I’d want to take you out for coffee too. So I can’t talk.” I was wearing a little t shirt dress, nothing terribly exciting!

We’re mid conversation & he says “I’m heading off line now…” so I say ok bye, he sends me my initials with a x but I don’t give it back, I hate when he does this, literally halfway through a conversation about how he lost his virginity & he just rushes off, again it’s our anniversary & I’m not even going to get anything sweet from him, just one x , he says he’s wants his initials back, bit I don’t do it. “Well you run off, I didn’t even think you’d see the message.. I was going to say thank you & shit but I was like ok, off you run then.” He says that he can wake up to it, but he really doesn’t know what it feels like to be left on unread, particularly when you’ve said good night & he couldn’t even wait around five more seconds to read it… It’s fucking infuriating & he will never get it because I never do it to him! I understand that the says that he tries to talk to me right up to the last second he can, which is why he used to rush off really quickly, but from my perspective, I just see that my message goes unread for hours or that it gets read & not replied to for hours… He will never see it from my side, despite reading about it in the blog & how much it fucked me off back then, now doing it again. I made peace with it the last five years because we weren’t having conversations, we barely spoke online, we’d set up the next fuck date & that was about it. Now we’re having a conversation again, there is nothing ruder that being left without knowing the other has left the chat. He was talking about MSN & how he met the chick he lost his virginity too on there, does he not remember that we used to say back then BRB so we weren’t rude & silent for ages?! Why the fuck can’t he just communicate better when he needs to go offline, while halfway through a D&M?!

Really, the anniversary conversation didn’t get any better, did it?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Anniversary

24 March 2025 – Today is our eight year anniversary of when we met on the chat app, of when we started talking online. Can you believe it, EIGHT fucking years! You don’t know this about me but eight is my number, so the fact that it’s this number when Phoenix has decided to come out the woodworks & open up this dialogue, means something & EIGHT is going to be lucky for us! 🎱

He doesn’t say it, fucking asshat! I know because he’s being a dick so I decide not to hold back, I’ve never celebrated an anniversary before. “🖤 Happy anniversary Phoenix! 🖤” He asks if I was excited to say that to him, I say that I was waiting for him to say it to me, “Happy Anniversary #IBD4U 🙂”  I mean don’t go all out or anything Phoenix… Fuck wit, I remind him “Not all of us have had 8 year or even 4+ anniversaries… So… Don’t make me feel special.” I mean I don’t think he is capable of making me feel special, ever. He has made me feel special sexually but the stubborn ass can’t even say happy anniversary to me. “I think I changed your life on this day. You met someone that could love you and did love you” Well fuck. Maybe he can?!

Today of all days, he reads about our first break up. So what I understand is that he has only read bits & pieces of the blog, so he didn’t read it in its entirety & he didn’t read about our breakup because it was too much for him. So it makes more sense that he read all the shit I did post break up, fucking everything & anyone when he came back online in an open relationship. He forgets I didn’t fuck anyone for months prior to him coming back online with matching user names saying he was open & telling me all about it. I had basically lost 10 kgs & hadn’t even talked to another man & he thought I had moved on. He says “I questioned if you even loved me … the way I did. There is so much I got wrong , or refused to believe about you even in emails you sent.” I poured my heart out in those emails, as a stupid last ditch effort to hold onto our friendship, to try to show him, to little to late that I did love him so much. Turns out no matter what I wrote wasn’t going to change anything, he didn’t believe me & even now, only after reading my blog he believes me but still picks apart everything to suit his own made up story & his shitty self esteem of what he thinks he or I deserve.

“In my mind I was the one that fell in love … and you just kinda of went along with it, there is no way you loved me if you could just fuck others so easily. Like I knew you loved me. But I didn’t think it was deep. I didn’t think it would even affect you for one day…” How could he think I fucked others so easily, I didn’t have sex with anyone for months after we ended the first time. “And in my mind you had your wife & family & I was just a used mistress… 🤷🏼‍♀️ And you cut me out so easily that’s what I believed.” I don’t think we’ll ever agree, he’s made up his mind that I was fucking people the next day after he shattered my heart. Which I was not.

“If you go back and read your blog… I’m the one that makes all the effort with feelings  And love. Which I knew. I’m the one that would push the convos. Or admit it first. You told me you don’t catch feelings… There was a part of me that bo. Believed it right to the end.” You know what, I don’t need to go back & read it, I know what my biggest regret was, I tried to rectify it in affair two but he was too busy flirting publicly with someone in the chat groups to notice, knowing he was getting married so keeping me at a distance so when I backed off, he had Cowboys mistress to take my place. In fact she was lined up to be along side me, so there wasn’t a place to take, I didn’t have a place, he even said that second affair was fair game… That’s not at all what I thought during that time. He never thought I would put myself first & end it.

He says, “I don’t understand why you didn’t think I felt the same way? I was the one always putting convo, and the risk of looking vulnerable on the line… Why would an idiot do that if he wasn’t madly fuckin in love with you. Especially someone like me. Also I had never read the words of periscope in text format until this week, just always listened to as a song but did relate to the lyrics and all it did was make me think of you… But My God itt is fucked just reading it in text format….” He forgets that he was engaged, got her pregnant, was spending money on the house & furniture, going on trips, that I say, “You were never making any attempts to separate yourself from that. You were also a master liar. And regardless of why you made your decisions, eveything you did, excluded me. So how could you possibly love me the same??” Our circumstances were our biggest downfall…“It boggles my mind I even shared periscope with you. That was all situational but either way. As if I sent you that song haha. It killed me loving you from afar… And I wanted you to know. I obviously also could of lied about telling you we had a future, drop little seeds that I wanted us together , to live with other and all that” Situational? Really… He chose what he chose. She got pregnant after he met me & if he really had feelings for me before he met me, then he wouldn’t have got her pregnant… Men fake it all the time or use the pull out method… & as he got deeper into this with me, he could have left, when she found out, he had a choice to leave & didn’t, saying he chose his kids but he ultimately chose her & chose to continue to destroy me when they became open, rubbing it in my face trying to get me to move on & hate him, but all he achieved was destroying what little self-esteem I had.

Why is he having this conversation with me today, I am at work, I am not going to be able to see him today. “I don’t know if I write about it but I just literally pictured toy having family time & never thinking about me. Never worrying about my feelings – which keys face it sometimes you didn’t & would treat me like shit so I just did what I needed to in my mind.” He says that he struggled with it, his life did go on but he thought about me all the time. But how am I supposed to know that? He was open about his feelings, yes I agree, he was the first one to bring them up all the time, but for all I knew that could have been in the cheating man manual to keep the mistress. Just as he didn’t believe my feelings for him were as deep as his were, I didn’t believe that he even gave a fuck about me when he logged off, especially because he logged off mid-sentence sometimes, not coming back online till the next day making me feel like a fool for sitting up waiting while he’s off having sex with his wife.

He tells me that he thinks he fucked me up for anything in the future, I know he did but interesting that he can see it now after reading my experiences post break up one with him, “Hence why I think I fucked you up. If you didn’t know what kinda of chemistry you were looking for after me. Would it have affected your dating life *. Because you thought about me alot…you thought about me everytime you met someone, everytime you fucked someone , you thought about when I cut you out, you thought about me when I didn’t chat to you for over 12 months, you thought about me even if I only saw you for sex once a month… I never left your thoughts.. I’m not sure that was a good thing for you… It’s a good thing for me to see when I stumble across your blog 8 yesds later while I’m mostly ignoring you haha!” Of course it’s good for him! I wish I could read his written inner most thoughts about me.

One thing that really upsets me about today, not just this conversation that we seem to keep having, over & over, but he’s got today off, he has been so persistent about meeting me for lunches at work – as much as possible were his words & Phoenix is at the shops near my house, sending me a snap of his lunch at his favourite place. Why didn’t he make the effort to drive an extra 20 minutes to come to my work to see me for lunch for our anniversary. I get he can’t see me all the time, but if he had the day off, wouldn’t he have wanted to see me today? It’s actually really disappointing to think that he didn’t make the effort. Then he says “I just triggered the cameras for your bikie fortress.” WHAT? So I have about nine cameras that go off all day long, especially with the dogs, so I never look at the notifications, which kind of defeats the purpose of them really, so I have no clue what he is on about… But of course I look because he’s obviously been to my house. Again, I am a little disappointed because why didn’t he want to physically see me today. When I tell him that I get so many notifications & never look at them he says that he wishes he knew that before he said anything. I watch the cameras, I see that he pulled up in my driveway, gets out of the car with some flowers, a small modest bunch, servo/supermarket type flowers but flowers none the less, he leaves them at my front door & leaves. How fucking cute… I fucking love that he has done this & my sadness for him not seeing me at work fades a little, but I do wish he had of seen me rather than buy me flowers.

But because Phoenix makes a joke about the toy that Max left in my letterbox years ago, that he just did the same, we end up in a fight about his wife stalking me & knowing my real name. Well she apparently thinks that my middle name which is my name on Facebook is my real last name so she doesn’t know my real last name, still to this very day according to him, but he blocked me on her account – which if he did, then how did she see that Papa Roach post?! Hmmm, shit doesn’t add up when I write about it… He says he did try to protect me & I pose the question to him, does anyone I know knows where he lives? Which only my sister knows where to find the information but she doesn’t know where he lives, he says “Well. That one was awkward because my stuff was at your house .. And she obviously didn’t trust me to see you alone … I asked to have two relationships and continue with both of them at hospital which didn’t go down well.. I know that hurt you alot though…” I still will never see his side of this, EVER. He could have gotten his shit back any other way than bringing a mentally ill scorned partner to my home! & I doubt he asked her to have two relationships, she said no & was totally fine with it, becoming all kinky & open. “And she obviously knew I was ready to leave her. I didn’t let her in your house. I asked her not to ever do anything and she agreed and she never did. It makes her feel sick if she does down your street. She wouldn’t go get her beauty stuff alone unless I drove her. Because she couldn’t drive on your street.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! He brought her to my street for her fucking beauty treatments after the end of the affair?! While I was distraught & a shell of a human, he is sitting two houses down from my house in his car, while she gets her lashes done! He says “yep” & I say “Oh, yeah get fucked… Honestly.” I put my phone down, I am beyond angry! I don’t give a fuck if he’s just delivered flowers to my house.

“Yep. Her business was on your street. She did it from her house. So we would have to go to your street for her beauty treatments. This is obviously when she knew where you lived … And I think I was fucking you again 😐. So that was always a fun trip ! Her house was towards the bottom of your street. Once we got married she moved stores and lost touch with her. So she hasn’t been in a long time. And obviously I lost my job so not much money. Adelaide is small… But I still have no idea how the woman knew some of your sex life. Or why she told my wife. There must of been some kind of mutual friend or customer that saw both of you or read your blog. I obviously had no idea about your blog … so my guess what sweetie at the time … but I believe you let alot of your friends read your blog … And being on the same street you came up in convos…. mind you my wife has told every friend I cheated on her. Including new ones she has made such her current bf. I thought you knew she did her business on your street?” I am so fucking angry. No woman I know is going to two beauty people two houses apart, any of my clients would have told me & they would have 100% not talked about me & my sex life, I did not go into detail with clients at that time. Furthermore – (Yes I am in angry lawyer tone mode), to be clear, he wasn’t fucking me again at that point & I certainly wasn’t posting on my blog at that time either. I finally reply that they were obviously having a good old laugh while they drove to my house, but he says “that is not how it happened….. every time was a very awkward rive, with her almost throwing up, very little words spoken…. very awkward each time … no laughing at all….. it is not how you think… we had never had a conversation or laugh at your expensive…. FYI……. sooo umm I read through the break ups…. I’m still not sure why I am meant to hate you???”

I am leaving work & I am going to go home & throw the flowers in the fucking bin… I am so fucking angry. “Why would she even go to someone in my street if ‘almost throwing up’ Seems legit.” No fucking discounted beauty treatment is worth it, if you’re having a real panic attack, let me assure you! “Because she didn’t know at the start when the offer came up for cheap beauty… But she made me drive her.. And it wasn’t comfortable.. I’m not lying… You make up some weird stuff about me and my wife in your brain sometimes. But believe whatever you want.. Clearly it’s pissed you off 🤷‍♂️ Mind you she probably made up stuff in her head about you.. But whatever” Typical, he’s got to be the most pissed off one – didn’t he make shit up in his head about how special J-Lo & Rob Rob were to me?! But it’s not him I don’t believe, it’s her… Oh I believe she made him drive her, not at all doubting that, I hate how much of a fool I feel now finding that out like six years later though, but what I don’t believe for a second was that she was genuinely having a panic attack – it was fucking fake & he fell for it, she just wanted for me to see them. She was 100% hoping I would see them driving together, still together & in my street… He’s a fucking dickhead if he thinks it was really for discounted beauty treatments!

What a fucking amazing anniversary this turned out to be!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Awkward?

23 March 025 – I can never get in first – it’s always well before 5:00am, I wake up early to chat to him but definitely never that early. I have shown him my super geeky side… “I go to sleep and wake up with only thoughts of you.  Your the last thing on my mind when I snuggle down to sleep & the first thought when I wake up… Also just want to make sure you still love me now you know I’m not cool & just a dork… Though not as dorky to add cable ties to my helmet…” He says “And you wonder why I kept distance… Why I chatted to others, “ I guess I just never thought he was chatting to others while looking at the message I’d sent him a week ago & didn’t click on it. “And ignored you. Because this happens. Every single fuck time. But it doesn’t just happen to you. It happens to me!” I tell him that he is still the first & the last thing on my mind even when he was keeping his distance, not that he’ll believe that!

Then Phoenix calls me, without warning – not like him. It’s a Sunday, obviously his wife’s weekend on, since we caught up yesterday afternoon in person. It’s very early in the morning, but we talk for 2.5 hours! How the fuck do we have so much to say? I fucking love the voice calls with him. I can’t remember ever having 2.5 hours phone calls with a boy ever or a girl friend either for that matter… Not that he’ll believe that either so I don’t even bother telling him that either.

For his Facebook page he has a persistent fan who’s wanting to do a podcast so he’s meeting with the dude to work out the details. I have to admit I am jealous. I have wanted to do an #IBD4U podcast for a while. I came close with Daisy, but it was always me pushing for it, not to other participants. So it never happened as you all know. But I think Phoenix should do this. I am his number one supporter & can’t wait to listen to it. I’m sure his wife feels the same! BAHAHAHA. I do ask about the format & how it would work which Phoenix has no clue what the guy is planning or what he’s thinking but when he goes off for the video meeting & returns telling me it was a chick, he’s now all of a sudden more interested in doing it! What a fucking surprise, you stupid wanker.

When he mentions that there was a small part of him that thought that after five years of not talking normally with me, that it might be awkward & he was scared it would be weird. “Our conversation was still natural, still had a connection, no awkwardness. Like we had stopped chatting 7 days ago. I was scared it wasn’t going to be like that.. Have you not been friends with someone epecially online where have gone back a month later and it isn’t same ?” Ironically, I am more scared of this dynamic than I am of it being awkward with Phoenix. We won’t ever be awkward, even if we don’t speak for months or years… I knew that if he let his guard down at anytime that I would not be able to resist him. I want to resist & honestly, I felt like I was holding back when I was living it, but reading back on the conversation now, I was fucking kidding myself. My walls were so far down, there wasn’t even a retaining wall, hell there wasn’t even a brick!

I say “I definitely feel more connected & more honest with you though & definitely don’t love what we’ve been through or what we’ve done to each other, but it’s sorta needed to happen to get us to a point we can be like this, especially considering our similar personality traits.” He says that I often shared, but I did pull back about telling him about guys I was fucking or dating, um that’s cos there were none! The last guy I fucked was M8 & the last guy I went on a date with was just a walk on the beach, nothing to write home about & nothing to bother jeopardising the good sex I have with him over. “I mean your blog proves that but I refuse to believe that hahs.” He never believes me, but at least he’s read my blog now & knows that I was posting everything on there… I stopped posting because there was only Marvel to write about, as you read, I barely had anything for 2024 about him… Now he’s Phoenix, there is so much to say!

One thing he brings up often & hindsight is a wonderful things as I reflect on what we talked about because he brings up J-Lo & Rob Rob often saying there were in similar situations to him, that I had connections with them, I never denied that, he says that I had backups but “I had none but anyway moving along.” I never had backups. Does Phoenix not realise we’ve broken up completely twice & neither time did I get into anything at all like I had with Phoenix with ether of them, they were friends, that’s it… Phoenix also forgets that he rubbed in my face about Cowboys mistress & some other women he stopped chatting too when he started getting feelings, all the while he has a wife & is stringing me along. So I am not even sure why he thinks what I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob is any different to what he had with those two women & his wife. I only knew about about his wife.

He asks if I was ever going to ask him if he was reading my blog when I was so sure that he was. I was fairly sure but I also wasn’t, so I didn’t want to bring it up & push him away or him say no, then go looking for it, read it & hate me as I expected him too. I didn’t want him to read it. I never expected him to read it. I send me a long winded message “You’ll have something to say about this I’m sure… I had stopped sleeping with others – as I’ve said, I did chat but nothing sexy I won’t deny chatting & obviously I went on dates… But in the last few years, maybe just the last year, I have felt more with you & you’d see that if I posted the drafts I have of you on word… I felt like you were still only chatting like fortnightly but when we were together I felt something more from you. I felt like I was getting a little of what we had back. I always loved you, obviously but the level of how much was less & in the last year or so I have realised I was again denying that I loved you still… So I didn’t want to push it with you & I knew I shouldn’t love you that way again, especially when you didn’t feel the same…So I kept up my miss tough exterior.” I don’t know if he is trying to be funny or he’s just showing me that he is still Marvel deep down but his reply comes as I am sending my next reply, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent it “You only stopped sleeping with others because you have the 3rd highest body count in Adelaide, and you didn’t want to enter the Guiness book of records.” FUCK YOU. My message is sent at the same time I read that, “Now I know you did feel the same way, I wish I told you, cos I hate that you don’t know. It was my biggest regret not telling you how much I loved & adored you..” So I add, “Actual fuck you.” He says that he was laughing as he typed that out & I know his shitty sense of humour but the thing is, that all the men I’ve slept with & he’s the only one that has gotten under my skin & I can’t get rid of, that I don’t want to get rid of, I don’t want to stop talking too… He’s the only one that became my best friend, something he will never understand means more to me than anyone that I’ve fucked or any other guys I had a friendship with. They were not my everything, Phoenix was & fucking clearly still is!

“You sick of me yet after 4 weeks?” I’m sick of him with this poor self esteem & despite reading my blog which is my private (but publicly published journal) & what it proves, since he apparently picks apart the timelines. I say, “4 weeks? Try like 8 years.. Are you sick of me yet?” I know he’s not because he’s the one that started this “Clearly not. As I want more from than you than stupid sex. And I love learning all the new shit about you that isn’t sexual even after 8 years🤷‍♂️ And want more…” Fuck… I do love too that I am learning more about him too, I also feel like I can be more honest with him about everything. I guess that’s what happens when two people know each other so well but also because of the situation, held things back so much that destroyed both of them. I send him a meme that I have made todays heart, I find this so funny that we are so similar that we can call each other out on so many things, but not when it comes to our feelings.

This is when he tells me that his wife is on Ozempic. Oh fucking great. I am here telling him about how fucking huge I feel & she’s recently started taking a weight loss drug, while I work out like a crazy person & still never lose weight. in fact I’ve been putting on weight at the speed of light. 13kgs since I’ve been in this awful job. He tells me that I am much sexier & my tummy is flatter, that she doesn’t look after herself at all. I mean that is not as reassuring as he thinks it is, she is going to get skinny just by injecting herself & I am just going to be fat forever. I send him a picture of my lumpy hips & he says that I have lost weight in the last few months – which ironically isn’t true from the scales. He tries to get me to promise to him that I won’t look at the scales for three months, but I won’t make that promise to him. I send a series of pictures to him of my new lingerie that is basically like Lycra & very obvious from the wet patch that my cunt is very wet, I send him a video of me cumming because these panties feel so soft & silky, he goes outside to watch the video so he can hear me cum without his kids hearing too.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Public Toilet Sex

22 March 2025 – He talks about me ‘not letting the month lapse’ & he finds it weird that even when things were progressing with the Electrician M8 or other men that I wouldn’t have just let one month with Phoenix lapse. But I think because he reads one or two blog posts about them that it means it went for a significant amount of time, or were consistent… Just think about this – this man has four nicknames on my blog. 60 Posts under Noodle, 39 posts under Silverlining, ironically 39 under Marvel & now we’re up to 9 of Phoenix & we’re just getting started! It’s been almost eight years since I met this man online. The longest thing I have ever had with anyone. Why would I give that up so quickly for a dude who doesn’t even message me after they fucked me?! “If you were not trying… enticing me, sexting me, showing me availabilities.. You would got it way less. You were leading this Shitty affair I gave you this time. For some strange you reason you tried to make it work.” Is he being funny?! I led this??? I didn’t lead this at all, I pushed hard to see him at the start but he dictated when & where, including when we would chat. I couldn’t reach out to him when he’d logged off for weeks. I was available more than he talked to me, days that would be better with work but he’d be logged off so I would have to make it work when he did come back online to meet up. I wouldn’t say at all that I was the one leading this!

He tells me that he hasn’t had an online friendship with anyone else online in about three years, oddly about the same time as it was that I last had sex with M8. “I did have a married woman become good friends me with from the anon app about 3 years ago, it lasted about 6 months but I ended it before and feelings happened, I learned my lesson with you haha. And she was south too.” Honestly, does he purposely say this shit to piss me off, or is he just trying to play tit for that that he another friendship online. I don’t deny I had other friendships with partnered men that he seems to think are a bigger deal than they were, but I never once said I ended anything with anyone because I felt like I was getting feelings for them… He was online chatting to someone else & falling for them, while I was still in the picture. I ask if he had feelings for this woman & he says “Not quite but got close.” Fuck, he’ll just fall in love with anyone… He goes on & on about him not being special sexually to me but he’s so desperate for attention that he’ll fall in love with anyone online, I am not as special as I thought. His love isn’t as special as I have made it to be… That’s now two women he’s mentioned. Is he just trying to get back at me because he thinks the friendships I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob were more than what they really were? Ask both men, they will tell you that I mainly talked about Phoenix, asking advice mostly & when I did write that I thought I could see myself with either if they were single, I wrote that after Noodle had broken my fucking heart by choosing someone else! “I had one long term friendship that was it , and I only told you just then to make you jealous 🤷‍♂️” Well it fucking works.

I don’t even remember what our snap streak is at this point, maybe 14 or something but he says it’s the longest has ever had. I haven’t had one over two days & he doesn’t believe me but tells me that he has had one up to seven days with someone. I am so angry, “And I supposed you’ve had a super BFF before the too… And what fucks me off more, is that you were on snap, everyday snapping someone else & leaving my message unread…. Fuck you. Prick. Next time I am gonna crumb my shit & fry it for your lunch…!” I am so annoyed, three years ago while chatting to this woman & other women, getting snap fucking streaks with them, he was logging on to snapchat every day & I was looking at it waiting for him to message me. HE WAS ONLINE EVERYDAY!! Choosing not to look at my message, my story or send me one message. He rubs it in my face “Oh yeah baby i can have long term online friendships too.” What a fucking prick. “I just feel like a cockhead sitting around thinking, Phoenix must be having the best sex with his wife, which is why he’s not messaging me… And all the while you’re sending dick pics to someone else & pretending not to check snap…  And getting feelings for her…. So yeah, you cannot be pissed about rob rob or Jlo ever again.” Get fucked wanker. I am not taking shit for J-Lo or Rob Rob ever again, even if he does look for quotes as he keeps threatening. He’s made up his mind, I can’t even be bothered arguing with him about it now. I am done defending myself. “You got nothing to defend yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong  I’m just jealous he got to do a fantasy I wanted to do with you that you gave me negative vibes about he, he obviously was more direct than me and you gave him what he wanted that was something I always wanted 🤷‍♂️ That’s my problem not yours. You have no fucking idea how angry it makes me though sometimes. I really really struggled with it at your house the other day. So have fun with that one when the anger takes over my mind … hahs. And yet here I am still not hating you, still fuckin love you like the retard I am 🤷‍♂️  One day you will let me push you away.” But I stupidly keep trying, “I have no idea when you ever asks for it & why I would’ve give negative vibes. I have fucked you at a train station, in a car wash, in your work, in the car, in your fucking bed… I find it hard to believe I would have had a problem with it.” I just don’t remember it the same way. Why would I have said no if I had fucked him every where & for the record, he never asked to fuck me at the car wash or the train station, I asked for that, in fact Phoenix has never really asked for anything besides the threesome, which I gave him & he gave the one I wanted to his wife who was super kinky for five whole minutes – crying after fucking other men… Yeah whatever!

He’s being such a wanker about the public toilet, I ask if he’s working & send a screenshot of where the public toilets are around his house when he says he isn’t working. But he says it doesn’t matter anymore, that Rob Rob got what he wanted & it no longer interests him. “It’s the only thing I have hated.. I hinted I wanted something, you said it didn’t interest you.. And then did it very quickly with another guy that you have the sams dynamic with. Every thing else made me love you more. I was totally ignored. And someone else wasn’t.. For something I wanted.” Either I am not a good writer or he is just a fuck wit because if I don’t convey how torn I was, how heart broken I was during the public toilet incident with Rob Rob, that the only way I was ever going to cum was Rob Rob saying shit about Phoenix. I fucking hate him right now, “You’re being such a wanker & I just want to strangle you. I did something so nice & that I’ve never done before, felt like a bit of a twat really being myself, with the napkin & s&p – but all you’ve done all afternoon is pick a fight. I don’t even know what to say, but I’m sorry I wasn’t a virgin when I met you or turned back into a virgin after we ended.” I ask him what is truly wrong? Why is he picking a fight with me when he can clearly see that I fucked him in a toilet after we broke up, he fucked another guy with wife after we broke up & it was so fucking clear that was my number one fantasy & still is. I didn’t even know what he wanted a toilet fantasy. He even admits he didn’t push me on it. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember him ever asking for anything at all, let alone public toilet sex!

I tell him I should have fucked him today to put him in a better mood but he says that it wouldn’t have made a difference, “Doesn’t matter what I want. Never did.” Oh god, this is a very different petulant teenage side of him I’ve never see before. Not like this. I wish he could see what is more important to me & what should be more important to him especially since he is the one pushing this new normal of our friendship, “The special stuff to me, is heating your lunch & wrapping it in a tea towel so it stays warm but putting a ice pack in another bag for your Pepsi so that’s cold & your lunch was warm.. Yeah when we sat on the bench, I put my legs over your legs…” Maybe he is starting to soften? “You have no idea how much I appreciated that. And loved that you did for me.”

Finally out of this mood, he says “I think we should go to Victor on the day off you have for your gums, I think it would be nice to go for a drive, they have nice beaches and icecream , I mean it’s not the most exciting place but you can’t eat anything so yeah.” & I ask him if he’s ever heard of geocaching. Apparently the first rule of geocaching is that you don’t talk about it but I’m probably sure that I have talked about it before but basically it’s using multi million dollar satellites that are for GPS, to locate Tupperware in the bushes! When I tell him about it, I tell him that it’s super geeky & remind him that I am not the amazing cool chick that he thinks I am. He even says that it’s beyond his dork levels. & it makes me think that maybe if I told him about this geeky side of me, having found over 300 while away on work trips & overseas, that he wouldn’t have put me on such a cool pedestal & thought I was too good for him? I ask him if he still loves me as a joke of course, “Na makes me love you more. I like the idea of seeing your dorky side. Every guy gets to see your sex side🤷‍♂️” Of course Phoenix finds a way to make it cooler than it is, saying that’s for people with 4WD’s & he’s not into cars, saying that he’s still the bigger geek. Or I think the word of our day was dork, I forget why but he said something at lunch about dorks & made me laugh. He says that we can’t have sex on this date but we can geocache, we go back & forth for ages me saying no & him saying yes until he says, “I loved today. I want more of it.” & the more he says shit like that to me, the more I want it too…

I mean I know I said that my heart will get involved if we keep having these sexless dates, but I am deluded if I am still telling myself that it’s not involved. I’ve changed his name to Phoenix for fuck sake because Marvel has too many bad memories. I talked about Phoenix rising from the ashes of the painful memories of Marvel. So if I am not involved here, my walls aren’t down, my heart open fully, then I am not at all being honest with myself. Not even a little bit. If today, taking napkins for pasta for our picnic at the beach, didn’t prove to myself that I am fuckidy-fuck-fuck-fucked, then nothing will…

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Loyalty

21 March 2025 – He says that I once told him in person about the blog. I don’t remember this either so I can’t say that I did or didn’t. However I highly doubt I did, given how scared I was for him to find it… I am so fucking scared of him reading it & hating me, that when things are good between us I didn’t post on it at all… When things went bad & we weren’t talking, I didn’t care what happened so I picked up writing again. I may have told him I wrote, but I don’t think I would have said dating blog & I know I wouldn’t have told him the name. If he knew about it too, I’m sure he would have bugged me for it or looked for it at least. I think the name would scare off anyone… Especially since my whole romantic comedy scenario of rekindling with the man at the end of the movie & saying ‘I’ve been dating for you’ before the credits roll, would be enough to scare any prospective male off!

He’s still reading it, “It’s fascinating watching you fall in love and develop feelings but not admit , not only to me, but to yourself.” I mean I feel like a fuckwit looking back & how dumb I was about falling in love with him & not even knowing what it was that I was feeling or believing that he had feelings for me. He will never get this but because the feelings stuff has been what his relationships have been based on, that’s easy for him… That hasn’t been the easy side of relationships for me, sex was easy & the thing I knew. I gave him the thing I thought he wanted – sex, he had the love, the relationship, the kids, the house, why would he want or need anything other than sex from me?!

We talk about Travel Agent. I mention that I never told anyone about what happened until my blog, I had told everyone that I ended things with him because he cut up all his food, when it was in fact, the night he pretended to put on & take off the condom, paired with Travel Agents desire to have a baby. Phoenix dismissive comments that I don’t think are meant the way they come across but because I am sensitive about this story, they really upset me, “Men do that shit all the time … the condom thing. Every woman has had that happen to them.” I don’t want to talk about this anymore… I felt so shit about that night, so bad (at the time – looking back I don’t know why I let it affect me so much) but I did & after that incident, I didn’t have sex with anyone for four years after that & Phoenix has just dismissed my feelings in an off the cuff comment. Just as his wife does to him…. Monkey see, Monkey do, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised, Phoenix openly admits he has no empathy for anyone. But I can’t help but be hurt by him trivialising how I feel – as he does often, about something that was so significant in my eyes, that I just snap “Don’t worry, it’s happened to every chick. So doesn’t matter. Anyway, time for bed. Night ABC.” No kisses, I don’t even wait for a reply before I put my phone down & try to go to sleep, knowing I am going to be tossing & turning all night feeling so trivialised by my best friend, so trivialised by the man I consider – dare I say it, a significant other…

---

22 March 2025 – He says the next day that he was trying to make me feel better about it by saying that everyone has had that happen to them so I didn’t need to feel bad about it, but he thinks he must have done a shit job. I think he is just trying to back pedal after he realised how much it did upset me, but he says that he read that entry & realises that it fucked me up & still does to this very day. He just doesn’t realise how his words hurt me & how it’s exactly how he’s treated by his wife, so it surprises me sometimes when he does talk to me this way. I get he has no empathy but fuck his levels of not caring are way higher than I thought – considering how fucking open about his feelings he is this time around. I guess that’s where he & I are different. I try my hardest to make him not feel shit about anything he tells me, I don’t always succeed of course, but it’s never like he does to me. He makes me feel so little & stupid all the fucking time…

We don’t talk a lot this morning because I am still trying not to be pissed off & baking cookies to take for lunch when I meet him after work later today, so when he calls me unexpectedly on his morning break, I assume it’s because he’s going to bail. So I automatically am pissed off more when I answer. It’s not though – I love the surprise call. I admit, just a mundane call, not when I am in bed to have phone sex… Just a call while he is on his break thinking of me, wanting to talk to me – make me feel better just hearing his voice, knowing that he was just thinking he wanted a chat. I hate that he knows just what to do to make me feel better again. Something so simple & I melt. I feel like I have to pump him up a lot that it’s nice that he’s actually doing it for me for a change! It’s so fucking cute & I love talking to him on the phone… Is it because it’s something we’ve never done? Or is it because we somehow have so much to say that texting is not enough anymore? Is it the sound of his voice? Is it just that he wants to talk to me that makes me enjoy it? When he gets off the phone I text him to thank him for calling & he calls me his little nectarine, a weird but cute nickname that makes me giggle. I think back & realise he never called me nicknames, especially the nickname that everyone on the chat app called me & he says that he’s a stubborn dickhead & was never going to call me the name everyone else did.

I am about to leave to go see him for lunch for about an hour. I pack the lunch, which I’ve heated & wrapped in tea towels. I packed knives & forks, salt & pepper, napkins & the cookies. I pack him a Pepsi Max. We’re going to sit by the beach & have a little picnic because we’re not having sex. The weather is cooler but we sit on a park bench in the sun. He eats a lot & quickly, then tells me the cookies are fattening but eats about 4 or 5 of them, saying how good they are. After I pack everything away, I put my legs up on his legs so he runs his hands along them. We kiss, we talk, we eat, we laugh, we touch but we don’t have sex… I want him. I want him so badly. It’s weird for me because I know that our friendship is built on sex & online chats, so it’s easy, it’s simple & it’s what I know. This sexless date is new, exciting & scary. So fucking scary… If I don’t have sex with him when I see him, it changes our dynamic… I don’t know how to be anything else with him or any man for that matter. If I allow this sexless date thing to keep going, my heart will be invested. I do tease him to try to get him to give in, but he doesn’t. We don’t get a long time together, probably longer than he was planning about an hour & a half, before I drop him back at his work & at his car. We kiss goodbye & I head off to the shops not having to wait long for a message from him, “It’s nice not doing just sex … I like it … as frustrating as it is… You are fucking amazing … thanks for lunch. It’s hard not to tell you I love when I say goodbye too 🙃” I wanted him so badly, I won’t deny that, but I don’t know if I was so desperate because I didn’t want to let my heart get so involved or because I was so wet & frustrated – of both? I wanted to say I love you to him too, but he said he didn’t want to say it all time. He was the one who said that, I said I didn’t want it to be a habit, but he said he didn’t want to say it all the time. I mean probably because he’s protecting his heart, I say “Yeah I tried not to say it… Then hated myself for not saying it…” My biggest regret of affair one was that he didn’t believe how I really felt about him because I held back because of our situation. I put everything into affair two so he knew how I felt & he pushed me away then got married four days later… So I can’t help but be apprehensive this time especially since he’s told me he doesn’t want to say it all the time. His reply makes me smile, “So I wasn’t the only one?” No he’s never the only one but as always I follow his lead knowing that any day now, he can pull away, could log off for days, just as I’ve let my guard right down.

After a fucking cute & fun, light & cheeky afternoon, I don’t know why Phoenix does it but he starts to pick apart my blog. Particularly about how I think I am loyal but then reminds me that I fucked someone & didn’t tell him when I had told him I wasn’t fucking anyone else. I try to explain why I did fuck someone else, “ I justied it cos while I said I was wasn’t sleeping with others that was true but you weren’t ever 100% mine & I questioned both of our feelings constantly…. That I did those things because I was a fucking idiot not because I’m not loyal or wouldnt cheat on you…” He just says that being an idiot is being disloyal. I am not going to win here. He will never see my side of it. “I think making me feel special and lying about being only guy to degrade you during the first affair or not letting me know I wasn’t the only partnered guy having some sort of online friendship (with sexual undertones) is pretty fuckin disloyal. Oddly you end up telling me the times you kissed or had sex eventually. A loyal person also doesn’t need to justify being disloyal. I’m not a loyal person … I don’t claim to be. I just don’t think you are either, despite your claims. But I also know I was getting to close to you, and I would of looked for any reason to end it or at least create distance….and if you had told me or someone had told me about your good friendships with these other partnered guys on the chat app, or if I read your blog in real time… I 100% would of ended it, or continued fucking you but being very cold with no friendship, or follow of up chat or even time after sex. Infact I was always looking for reasons that couldn’t be justified to end our close friendship. Probally would of saved alot of heartache. I obviously thought to myself anything disloyal you did to me was highly justified able due to our situation and could never hold it against you. And the only time I got close to ghosting you or ending it with you was after the day I spent with you …which was due to varying factors and I felt in competition with others that weekend …and I got the shit end.” Literally being loyal is something I fundamentally hold as one of my values, maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not, maybe I can’t justify my actions away & still consider myself loyal, this crushes me more than any other mean thing he’s ever said to me, “Fine, I’m disloyal, I’m a cheater, I’m a liar & you shouldn’t trust me.” He says that he’s not trying to piss me off “I didn’t say you were a cheater ? Or that I didn’t trust you. I literally just said it was all justfied…. I have made it clear I love you. I no longer hide it. I have fallen in love with you even more again. Since talking to you properly again. Things are going to hurt me in your blog , things are going to upset me… You gotta take the good with the bad. I’m not perfect 🤷‍♂️” Maybe this is why I didn’t want him to read it? I’ve been saying that he’ll hate me if he does read it, but is it actually because I hate myself for being so pathetic with men for a snippet of their time that I didn’t want him to really see that side of me?

#IBD4U

I saw this on FaceBook in June this year. I just found the copy I made on word that I thought I would share being it’s Christmas day & not many of you will be logging on to read my blog… So here is a bit of an interesting filler post…

In the pic is the question & all the comments I copied…

I know why I was intrigued by the answers because I know what advice I would have given but don’t know if I would have taken the advice – typical me! Hahaha.

• Nope! We weren’t married, but I was pregnant and only found out after I had my son. They are married now and I’m still happily single. My son is almost 18 now
  
• I did , but you have to ” level up”
  
• I left, took a while though and also wasn’t husband
  
• I did, but only because I didn’t have the choice to leave. I eventually did leave tho, and life got a lot better after that.
  
• I did, with the promise that things would be better. Things did not get better.
  
• I did and completely regretted it
  
• I stayed with ex husband after he cheated several times during pregnancies 3 kids, 1 5 years of marriage but after he got another woman pregnant that was it for me, now I’m happily married to my second husband
  
• Happened to me. But later confirmed it to be true when my son was born and left him when my oldest was 4 and my son 6 months. It gets lonely sometimes but it’s better honestly.
  
• If I had a support system I could rely on, then no I wouldn’t stay with him. Pregnancy and birth, is a vulnerable time for a women and we were never meant to do it alone.
  
• No. That’s actually why my ex-husband and I got divorced
  
• I don’t think I can
  
• It hasn’t happened but NO I wouldn’t
  
• Yep happened and I just idk pretended it didn’t
  
• I did and it was the dumbest decision I made.
  
• That kind of betrayal is non negotiable
  
• I did…
  
• I say no,but I did. He never stopped. It took a few years to leave, but damn, it still feels good that I left. Even staying as long as I did.
  
• No. Even if not pregnant Never understood people who stay once cheating occurs. The relationship is dead after that. You CANT cheat on someone you love, so if someone cheats, the love is already gone or was just never there. There’s no coming back from things at that point….. you can’t rebuild what doesn’t exist
  
• If your spouse ever cheats, pregnant or not, that’s grounds for divorce.
  
• Absolutely not. I would never trust that man again and no amount of therapy or conversations or promises would ever change that.
  
• It depends on whether or not I had resources for the baby
  
• No!
  
• Absolutely no way..
  
• Absolutely not. She can have him.
  
• Idk I’ll have to b in that situation I’m not saying I wouldnt n I’m not saying I would
  
• I stayed and ended up in divorce 10 yrs later
  
• What other option would they have
  
• No, never.
  
• I’d submit an obituary to the paper and get all his friends and family to pretend he joined the lord
  
• Nope he be gone and paying for the baby and I
  
• No I wouldn’t, I’d leave for good!!
  
• Absolutely not a hope in hell.
  
• Just leave when the baby grows up.
  
• Hells to the no!
  
• I don’t know…. i might stay because i want my kids to grow up with their father but i will cheat on him after the baby is born. But I dont know. The thought of sleeping with other men don’t sit right with me I’d be crushed tbh.. So Hai I dont know.
  
• I stayed until I hated him and then I left
  
• Yea I did with both kids, I stayed but we’re no longer together.
  
• I did
  
• If the women is independent, then she can do everything and anything
  
• I stayed. Mistakes were made.
  
• No. I rather have piece than having piece of shit on my life if that’s the case.
  
• Hell no
  
• No, I left him when my son was 6 months old. Best decision ever. Cheated on during and after pregnancy from the BD. Never again. He ruined trust for me
  
• I did. I had a toddler and was pregnant with twins. Didn’t have a job and couldn’t make enough to pay for childcare. I’m not with him anymore
  
• No, never
  
• Never
  
• NO
  
• I did… it didn’t work and I wouldn’t make that mistake again
  
• Nope
  
• I did but I had a plan. I became a stay at home mom, i saved money in a separate account and when both my kids were in school I kicked him out
  
• GONE.
  
• This has literally happened this year, i’m still with him but the trust is pretty gone for now…
  
• Nope. Don’t.
  
• Nope

What would you have done?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – McIBD4U Muffins

20 March 2025 – Today when he is seeing me, I am working from home. I am in a job that is psychotic with Microsoft Teams, like I feel like they get a notification if your status goes yellow with away or something, because that’s when someone calls you, just to make sure you’re working or something… He says that he skipped his break at work & took his kids to school so he will be at my house earlier. It’s raining so I move my car so he can park in the carport rather than in the side street & walk in the rain. I am on a call when he arrives, so he rocks up, parks in the carport & sits on the chair opposite my desk playing with his phone. Apparently, he has no problem playing with his phone around me, telling me he doesn’t use his phone at all around his wife… um, yeah ok!! What a load of fucking shit, wasn’t he messaging me while in bed with her the other night?!

When I get off the call, I open a word document & put a heavy candle on the keyboard so it is ‘typing’ this stops my computer from going to sleep & Teams from thinking I am ‘away’ – TBH it’s my team that has a issue with being away, my boss doesn’t even work at the office half the time & has no idea what we even do, I haven’t had any issues with her asking where I am or what I am doing, I think the team have just set this precedence in their own, that they take exactly 30 minute breaks & not a minute over… I’m so used to working in jobs where you just make up the time later & don’t have to tell anyone, as long as your work is done. I hate this job!

I have decided to make McMuffins so we don’t have to go out, I probably don’t have that long anyway, so maybe going out isn’t that good of an idea, even though this is supposed to be sexless… I feel stupid though when I am making him lunch, he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot & I don’t often do nice things for people like this so I am conscious of every move I make, cooking the eggs right, cooking the bacon right that I forget to toast the muffins which are a day or two old so need toasting as they were slightly stale, so when we are eating, or him literally taking three bites & its gone, I still haven’t even made a dent in mine… This is weird & I don’t think I told him this but when we’ve eaten together – which is only recent, I like that if I don’t eat it all, I offer it to him & he gobbles it up… I don’t know why but I fucking love watching him eat my leftovers – is that strange?! I don’t know why but I always make sure I leave a little bite or two for him, what is that all about?!

We end up fucking in the kitchen, all because I sit on the bench while he is standing near me. What a surprise, I am wearing a short t-shirt dress so this of course is just an open invitation for Phoenix to come up behind me, rubbing every single inch of me as I cook. He mainly sits & watch me, while constantly playing with his phone & talking to me. I do notice too that he gets up & looks in my fridge & cupboard a few times – this is very familiar behaviour, like no random boy is going through my fridge or cupboards. I never tell him but I fucking love that he is so familiar at my house now, it’s been eight years & he’s barely ever even gotten his own drink out of my fridge, let alone just had a look through my cupboards & my fridge like they were his own. It’s such a weird thing that I noticed & loved yet I never mention it. He says that they need a little chaos because they are in order. I think it’s this day, maybe another day but he moves stuff around, which becomes our little joke, I mean who doesn’t put all their cans of coke stacked together & his cans of Pepsi Max stacked together?! Who would mix them up?? OMG I hate to think! Hahaha.

We eat our homemade McMuffins & he mentions something about his car in the carport & not being able to find the roller door button to put the door down when he got here. So I head outside to put the door down, the whole purpose of him parking in the carport is so he can leave his car in my driveway & not somewhere in the street so the neighbour Ruby down the street could see, as I am reaching for the door button, putting it down, Phoenix comes up behind me & starts rubbing my sides, kissing my neck & I turn to kiss him, he pushes me back till I am against my car & he slips his fingers inside me, I close my eyes & he commands me to open my eyes & watch him finger me… FUCK, that is so fucking hot! Mr stern & commanding, it makes me open my eyes & watch, not able to look away. Once he’s finished fingering me, he quickly spins me around & bending me over the bonnet of my car. I tell him there is a camera up on the corner of my house, as he pulls my dress up & gets ready to fuck me bent over my car, he looks up at the camera, pointing at it & asking “it’s up there?” then he’s inside me pounding me from behind – I have no idea why but when I download the footage from my camera, as I do with all the cameras after he’s been to my house, turns me on just to watch him look at it & point at the camera right before fucking me! He asks later than night if I got a similar car to him because he had it, which I didn’t. It wasn’t even the car I wanted when I was looking for cars. But now I think of it, it’s kinda cute!

Later I tell him about a date idea I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had anyone to do it with & if we’re going on dates, maybe we could do this. Have you ever heard of the Amazing Co picnic, they set up a hunt & gather type picnic & you get clues to go pick up the stuff for a picnic then you go to the final destination for the picnic. It’s not heaps expensive, but not cheap but I figure that since he is being Mr we’re-not-having-sex all day when I have my gum surgery so we could go out on a treasure hunt type date. He doesn’t say yes or no, so I hope that he secretly books it in for us. That would be super cute, but I won’t hold my breath. I mean probably dumb since I’m not sure if I’ll be able to eat. To be honest, I won’t hold my breath for an actual day date after my surgery at all. If I do see him for any length of time, we will end up staying in bed all day, I’m almost certain of it!

He talks about my McMuffins, that I didn’t toast the actual muffins, which they were a little stale so he says that it’s lucky I made the eggs runny or it would have been worse. I tell him how nervous I am to cook food for him, but I want to do it. I tell him that it’s the little things that make me nervous, the sex doesn’t because I’ve been naked with him hundreds of times… But being house wifey is not something I am used too with him or anyone, even Boyfriend. He says “You did fine today 🙂 I think it’s pretty cute you want to make food for me.” I do it because I want too, but also because I know he does all the cooking, I know he likes cooking & he works less hours but he always was the chef at home, I suspect even when she was on maternity leave, he came home from work & cooked dinner, so I say that I know he doesn’t get food cooked for him. “Haha no I don’t, well I haven’t in a long time … I know you don’t, that’s why it means something to me.” It means something to me too, I haven’t ever really done this before, even with Boyfriend, I don’t remember us cooking together like this, in the same room, usually he was in the lounge room, “And cos you don’t get anything cooked for you, I want to cook for you. Don’t they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?”  & then he says something to make me swoon & blush, “Well that is true haha .. But you had my heart a long time ago.” Awwww FUCK!

We are together way longer than we should be, I should be working but I don’t want him to go that I push him on the couch & sit on his lap, straddling him, just kissing, hugging & talking. We have fucked so many times, in the kitchen, in my bed & over my car. He’s called me beautiful & you can see on the camera when he did it, even though there’s no sound & how much he made me blush.

He tries to give me advice about not fucking men for a few months because you can’t connect with anyone by fucking them right away. When he gives me dating advice, I’m reminded that this guy, while saying he’s dating me, loves me, wants to spend time with me, really isn’t anything other than a fuck buddy, no matter how much he’s trying to make this more, can it really be more if he’s married & giving me dating advice? But then he tells me how much he misses hugging me. Fuck I missed hugging him too!

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21 March 2025 – The next day, he’s reading my blog again, I am still waiting for him to find something in it that he realise he’ll hate me for.. But he says “But the more I read you blog, I still don’t hate you 🤷‍♂️ While reading it this morning… I actually think to myself as a reader not believing what you are writing…haha. Sometimes some of the stories seem like fiction or made up. But I know they are true because I did it haha.” He also mentions that he didn’t know it was being documented, but he could see how some people might think that he did know & that’s why he was putting on such a persona & why things we did were right out of fiction novels or porn movies. Everything we did had nothing to do with my journal or writing.

It’s so interesting hearing what he thinks about what a wrote but he says it’s pretty accurate & I never really say anything bad about him or that he doesn’t think about himself. I mean I feel like I say some pretty bitchy shit about his wife, someone he claims to love & I say shit about him too. He reckons I sometimes even spin his flaws into a positive, I guess that was always me trying to justify his actions in my own head, over analysing everything he did because of how he is. But I just know that he’s going to get pissed off again & so I threaten to unpublish it.

He says that he finds some of the stories with other men hot “Like I found the story about sweeties husband fingering you in the cinema hot. I found the story of you fuckin Rob Rob in the public toilet hot 🤷‍♂️ (men are weird and don’t view public toilet as gross as women ).” I mean Sweetie’s husband was before him & Rob Rob was after Phoenix broke my heart & when he kept popping up online to tell me about his kinky open marriage sex. “I wish I got to fuck you in a public toilet first 🤷‍♂️. But you did redeem your story but thinking about me in that one. But you wonder why I will never feel special to you sexually. It’s those stories. But i won’t deny I found some of them hot.” Why does he need to feel special sexually?! He is literally the most special person in my life since I met him, even when we weren’t talking & not all things have to do with sex – that’s just a bonus to me. Is he the one who puts sex on a pedestal, not me? The ‘relationship’ stuff, the going through my fridge & cupboards, making lunch together, it 10 000 times more special to me & I wish I said it, but because he’s had all that shit with someone else & married her, that our relationship will never be special to him… The things we hold dearly are not the things the other holds as dearly & that’s ok.

He got the best of me – the absolute best of me, I tell him this but he won’t let it go, “I never got an offer of public toilet sex … and it was something I had fantastied about and could of happen at any stage during our sexual encounters.” Well how was I supposed to fucking know that?! I gave him everything he wanted, he never really asked for anything, besides the threesome, but I would have given him anything he asked for or mentioned. He never told me he wanted public toilet sex! I remember talking about public toilet sex when I started a new job which was a year into affair 3 & I remember even googling the toilet to show him which one we could meet in & he could say he’d gone to the shopping centre as it’s a big one close to work so I wouldn’t be away for too long. He never seemed keen on the idea so I didn’t push it. “You got to do it with other partnered man that you had the same with me instead that I thought was special with us 🤷‍♂️.” God he’s a fucking dick! He says that he’s pissed off more now that I knew he wanted it… Um… No that’s not how this went down, I was the one who offered it up as a idea on how we could meet with me not sure if I could get far away from work & didn’t know if he would come to my house back then so I offered up the public toilet. I didn’t know it was his fantasy & then went & did it with someone else like he did with the threesome… He’s a fucking dickhead.

He sends me a pic of his kids & how big they are, he is online a lot more than he should be being it’s her day off, messaging me all day & sending me a pic to keep our snapchat streak, he tells me that his son might end up at the same high school as my nephew who is only one year above him… Oh fuck, won’t that be hilarious if the kids became friends! Luckily he tells me later that his son didn’t get into that school & is going to another high school… Can you imagine if Phoenix & his wife were at the same school event as my sister. I’m told my sister looks a lot like me, so I wonder what his wife would do if she saw her?

Even though he said he read my blog, I find out that he actually didn’t read it all. He didn’t read the first break up & now he’s rehashing it by reading it again. He skipped over parts that were hard to read & he didn’t really read much of others. He says it’s super interesting, especially reading it in diary format as it’s obvious that I didn’t know I was falling for him, which is true, I didn’t know what I was feeling. He says “I spent my entire brothers wedding literally thinking about wanting you to be my partner … had a huge fight with my wife… planning in my head a life with you … And you hadn’t even admitted to yourself you loved me. And was still struggling to admit you even had feelings with me. Despite my contant hints that I was giving off. Pretty funny really.” & yet because he was so scared of being alone, he stayed with her rather than taking a chance on me & finds it in himself to make things right with her… But instead pushed me away till I was ready to walk but then his wife found my undies anyway. I couldn’t admit I had feelings because I didn’t even know but I also was fucking a man with a pregnant partner… He says he was hinting so much, but he wasn’t as obvious as he thinks he was – I literally did not know he loved me until he said the words & even then I questioned if it was a line to keep me coming back. As if he could love me. I wish things were different or we could have been more honest, but I’m pretty sure he would have pushed me away as he did no matter what, he says it might have been different, but I doubt it. If I had of shown any vulnerability first – just like now, it would have pushed him away. He thinks he isn’t good enough for me & is so scared to be alone, that he will always choose her over me, even if he says it’s because of their kids, it’s really not..

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Signature Move

19 March 2025 – This conversation is still going – the problem with our friendship being a mainly online friendship, even now, is that fights can go on for ages because we never get to deal with it all in one conversation. I say “She didn’t want you, she’s made that clear by sleeping all day not showing any interest in anything you do, not cumming with you. .. but as soon as she finds out someone else wants. You, she then jumps into full sexual mode, making an effort… Being open then as soon as you marry her – or even before. It all stops. She’s like a kid with a toy, she doesn’t want you but no one else can have you.” He knows I right, but his usual reply about her being the mother of his children is what he says in his head to justify why they do what they do. I don’t like talking about her or their relationship, she is nothing to me, it’s him I care about. “She doesn’t sleep as much and made More of an effort since the first affair, and although she still shows no interest in my hobbies , she has made an effort to feed my ego and let me know how attractive I am post affair.” Oh has she? That’s why you’re here telling me how much you love me & you’ve never had butterflies with her? Yeah, Rightio then!

“I also think I’m out of my wife’s league.” I call bullshit on that too, I mean the other day he said that she never boosts his ego or tells him how good he looks etc. But he just proves what an asshole he is to her, “When we first metz. She was really close to a girl called ****, and she was hot, much skinny than my wife, one time we are all in the spa drunk together e, and she just spits out I found you attractive in front of her … And I said it back to her hahaha. That was awkward.” Yeah what a cunt! He also tells me that every single one of her friends have told her that he is hot & one used to come over & check out his ass when he bent over… First who are these friends?! & second what a load of shit… Phoenix is good looking, I obviously find him incredibly hot & sexy but he is not that fucking good looking that every single one of her friends has told him to his face that he is hot in front of her & she’s ok with it… I can almost guarantee & would bet my life on it that she asked them to do it to see what he would do, like a test of loyalty. I’m surprised being that he has such low self esteem that he wouldn’t have already drawn that conclusion himself… But no, it boosted his ego & we all know his wife wouldn’t manipulate a situation to get what he wants, would she! No, never!! Hahaha.

His new favourite (not really but he talks about this a lot) & my least favourite is about my blog & how I had ‘back up partnered men’ ready for when things ended with Phoenix. Well for starters, they were not backups – they were men I talked to just as he talked to women. I said in my blog that if either left their partners I would date them but if Phoenix left his wife, I would’ve fucking married him, had his kids if he wanted more, so they were in no way a backup, I’ve never pictured myself marrying any one other than Phoenix, I never even really pictured myself marrying Boyfriend. I, in no way, have ever had a back up so think what you like dickhead. If they were a back up, wouldn’t I be with one of them now?! I get so pissed every time he talks about my blog that he even says he should have kept it to himself. He forgets that pretty much everything I wrote in my blog happened after he shattered my heart & was back online telling me how kinky his wife was & all the people she was fucking & how they had a threesome – my number one fantasy… So my writing & actions were influenced by my anger & hurt. Just as it is now!!

I know he’s trying to be hurtful now, telling me something that is either a lie or just to make me jealous, “Cowboys mistress was a good friend, yes we did discuss meeting up, we discussed dates, I hate her address, we sexted and had a good friendship….but that was post affair. you had this friendship with both men during our first affair.” He had her fucking address & set a date!? ACTUAL FUCK YOU! He says that it was post affair, yes post affair one. But if you’re a long time reader, you’ll recall that he wasn’t on the chat app after affair one until found me as a stranger on the anonymous app, then joined the chat app to stalk me which commenced affair two… Remember?! That is when he started talking to Cowboys mistress, at the start of Affair two. Then when I ended the second affair four days before he got married, he disappeared from the chat app. So tell me Phoenix, when post affair, were you going to meet Cowboys mistress that didn’t overlap with me?! He only met her because of him stalking me on the chat app!! You fucking cunt of a man. I was single & allowed to date, so if I had friendships outside of Phoenix, then I’m fine with that because I never used those friendships to make him feel shit about himself, Phoenix rubbing his flirting right in my face, just like he did with his wife in the spa… What a fucking wretched human being!

Of course, Phoenix pulls his signature move, as soon as I get snippy or angry, Phoenix has to turn it around & get more angry. Narcissistic prick! Reading messages then not replying… I don’t know why but I message him till he replies, after what he’s just revealed. But I also don’t really  analyse what he’s saying until I am writing about it… I forget why but I had been calling him Mr Snuffleupagus. Why am I even bothering? He always has to be the most angry, I can’t even explain my side, he just can’t see it. He read the words & made up his mind. I tell him not to be pissed at me & he says that he is only pissed because of his feelings for me. I get it because I am so fucking angry of everything he has rubbed in my face, it’s way worse than anything I have ever done. He says “I also try and push you away. Nothing has changed after 8 years 🤷‍♂️” I believe one day I will let him push me away because the ego & narcissism will become too much, that I try to scare him off now before I am in any deeper. I put our anniversary in the countdown on snapchat to scare him but it doesn’t, “I’m not going to get angry at wanting to celebrate meeting me ? Its pretty clear you are important to me and and I fucking love it that you want to do it.” FUCK!

I know Phoenix has told me years ago & probably more recently how much his mum & family love his wife, that they offered her a place to stay when they broke up when she found out about me, I am curious but probably shouldn’t ask, “So serious question, not to piss you off but let’s play a fantasy game again… Say we were together, do you think your family would hate me? (not your kids, clearly they will but your bro, sis & parents??)” I want to know the answer, but now that I have asked, I don’t want to know what he thinks… “That is a tough one; my family took my wife’s side when the affair came out….they love my wife, and she has become part of the family, and they put up the offer to move in with them if she needed to, I think my mum would like you… you guys have similar personalities, now that I think about it, she is a very sexual person and brutally fucking honest, I get my brutal honesty from my mum , but I think once the smoke had settled, she would like you, my bro wouldnt care too much I don’t think, infact he would probaly make him feel better because his marriaged ended, and my sister would like you too I think, she also has a similar personality to me and my mum. also in their eyes…Im the person that cheated, so it is entirely my fault. my family never asked about you. they dont know who you are, they just know I had an affair. with another woman. and I never talked to them about it…my wife did talk to my mum about it. Im not even sure how much she told them. and somehow she told my brother and sister. my relationship was so much closer to ending that you think. there was obviously break up plans in place with my family and wife… that I was not privy too. when I told her parents she was in hospital and once they found out… they obviously talked to my parents too. btw everyone hates my mum. she is not a very likeable person due to her brutal honesty and out going personality. and she doesnt have a filter. and everyone loves my step dad. so Im not sure you would like my mum, or it would take time. even I dont like mum sometimes haha. and it took awhile for my wife to like her, but even like all my brothers girlfriends hated her, none of my ex’s really liked her… shes a bit full on. my mum is outgoing brutally honest person that isnt afraid to talk about sex haha. so it can lead to some awkardness sometimes. and so is my sister” I think the shit part about all that, is that his family didn’t support him or ask what he wanted when he cheated & were breaking up, people don’t just cheat because they’re happy in their relationship… If there was a plan behind his back to support his wife, then he is deluded that he thought his relationship was close to ending – they were never going to let it end, he’d even told me his mum was in his ear about going back to her. I even say that perhaps if his family knew how he felt about me & what we had, his mother – who left his father when he was very young because of cheating, would not have pushed him back to her. “If she knew the full details….and how much I loved you, she probally would of told me to go with you, but Im not sure, she also had a good relationship with my wife at this point. its a bit of a weird one. I weighed alot of pros and cons …..and part of that was in my decision making. ultimately it came down to my kids. Im also not very close to my mum, like we have a good relationship, talk once every 2 weeks on the phone, and see them once a month. Im a VERY closed person, like to my mum, to my wife, to fucking everyone. so if Im opening up to you, you better pay fucking attenoin. because I dont do that for anyone. including my wife and mum.” I don’t know why I am doing this to myself but this conversation just makes me want to fucking cry.

We move on & he says that he was falling for me after the second time we fucked in affair one… Well when the sex is that good yes I guess… I just find it hard to believe because he knocked up his partner shortly after that, tying himself even more to her, if he had any feelings for me at all, he wouldn’t have done that… So I think he had lust for me & our sex, our chemistry but he wasn’t in love with me or had feelings for me. He says he was nervous to meet me & I say that I had butterflies & quite often still do. I get nervous with things like when I gave him a key years ago or when I bought Pepsi max & kept in my fridge for him or making him breakfast the other day, it’s very couply & weird so I plan to do it then want to back out cos I feel stupid. “Haha I thought it was cute and amazing you made us breakfast. I had no idea you were nervous about that. I also had no idea I had a special key cut … I thought you just gave me sweeties husband key … you told me he had a key before me. Haha and I won’t deny it, when you gave me a key that made feel kinda special…” He doesn’t get why I feel stupid because he’s had so many meals with his wife, I understand she doesn’t cook, but I’m sure she has at some point… So while he thinks fucking is our something special, the breakfast with him, giving him a key, spending time with him watching stupid TV is what is special to me – stuff he doesn’t care about, stuff he takes for granted, that is the highlight of our situation for me.

We talk about meeting up tomorrow; he says that we shouldn’t just have sex because that’s what everyone gets with me. I have now jumped on this bandwagon too, I don’t want to be just sex, but I am so cautious of this no sex thing & how easily he will just back off when something happens that I won’t be told about, he’ll just back off & spout some bullshit about being busy, so I quickly turn the conversation back to sex before I get too wrapped up in the sexless dating. I want to fuck him so badly, but there is nothing more that I want but to just have sexless dates with him. He hits me with “BTW. I 100% have the 2nd off.” Which is the day after my gum surgery, then he tells me that he also has the first off. I say that he should come over on both days, ice cream on the first day & soup on the second. He says he’ll see how he feels… Ok jerk burger! I shouldn’t bank on seeing him either day & I wish I never said he should see me both days now… I feel like a fuckwit. I am back at work on the third so assuming I’ll be ok “You know ill look after you… If I need too. I’ll bring you some icecream I promise.” OMG could he be any cuter?! FUCK – I need to remember his mantra ‘don’t get attached to me!’ He says that he might have to get me to pick him up Wednesday but he’ll drop me off ice cream on Tuesday. I ask why – after I’ve had surgery, would I have to pick him up, he says he can hide in his car until she drives past. Where they live has had some major road upgrades that there is now an underpass so I say she wouldn’t see it anyway, but he says “Na. She does. She gets maccas coffee every morning. And checks for my car too.” Um what?! Every day she looks for his car?! Fuck… Then he basically has a whole conversation with himself about starting at 7:00am then he can do the kid drop off & it’ll solve his problems because she’ll be already at work by the time the kids go to school… Fuck that was a journey of information I just didn’t want to know… She’s still checking in on him & he’s still ok with it. FUCK, why I am still involved in this?!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – I didn’t ask for this…

18 March 2025 – He says that he needs to go offline & might not be on tomorrow, but then starts sending about eight pics of himself when he was a ‘fat fuck’ in high school & some pics of his dad. I keep saying goodnight, not wanting to be left on unread when he logs off suddenly. The next morning he mentions that I don’t usually cut him off, but he’ll never know what it’s like to be sitting there waiting for a message when he’s logged off & going about his day or sleeping while I am awake waiting because I don’t want to miss a message. I just say that I said goodbye to make sure I wasn’t waiting around, so he says, “Well I wanted to communicate I was going and didn’t want to make you feel like a dickhead. Well I’m trying to be open when I’m not going to be around. So you don’t feel like an idiot. I know the mistakes I made with you in the past.” Does he really?! “I literally show you some personal stuff, old dorky photos of me and baby pics and you ruthlessly just say good bye , good work not being a dick 😜. It’s harder than you think having an affair.” Well how the tables have turned, maybe he now got have a snippet of what it’s like & he doesn’t like it… I snap “I’m not forcing you to to do this again.” I didn’t ask for this Phoenix, you started this! I was ok with the dynamic we had… “And talking to you again and re establishing our friendship is harder than you think for me. I don’t just go about my day not thinking about you. Never did ever. It’s why I put those rules in place , created distance. So I’m not hurting you , and to help me.” Then he adds“This was entirely my decision fuckwit.” I did try to engage & mentioned a few things about the pictures but I was conscious of timing & was also wondering why he would say he’s going & not going to be on today but then start a D&M by sharing pictures.

The pictures lead to a massive conversation about his childhood trauma. It’s really hard for me because I know he doesn’t want pity, but I am a huge crime junkie so I am voracious for information so I am interested in what he is sharing but I am cautious of seemingly looking like I am pitying him. He talks a lot about his traumatic childhood considering he wasn’t even going to be online today… I am conscious that he will just leave mid-sentence soon, if he isn’t supposed to be online while she’s home but I am so intrigued by this conversation that I am so torn about being wrapped up in it & trying to protect myself from feeling like a fool when he disappears. He says goodbye, it’s a Tuesday so I guess I don’t get the schedule like I thought I did, I don’t ask why he’s going offline today but he keeps coming back online, so I ask how or why when he’s supposed to be offline, “I sneak you in when I can. Just don’t want you to be waiting for me like an idiot … Which is bad because I shouldn’t get attached to you or miss you. But I’m also fucking idiot 🤷‍♂️ but you seem to be just a dumb.” I won’t feel like an idiot if he manages my expectations. It’s when he doesn’t say goodbye or just logs off, that has literally been the problem for eight fucking years! I’ve always hated it & made that perfectly fucking clear. He doesn’t listen & continues to do it, so maybe he’s got it this time & things will be different? Bahaha, as if!

Every time we talk about my blog we end up fighting. I mean he blames me for having ‘records’ but I don’t look at the screenshots regularly, I just remember shit he says, particularly about his wife. He brings up the chick on my street doing beauty treatments who told his wife about my sex life – I don’t know her name, but lets name her Ruby… I still don’t believe this story & never will. I don’t think Ruby or Phoenix’s wife knew about the blog & I think his wife just told him a bullshit story she made up to make him jealous & pissed off about me. He says that she wouldn’t have married him if she knew about it, I spit back that he would have told her some ridiculous lie & she would have married him anyway. “I would be so easily identifiable from that blog …. my wife would of left me …. the sex stories and the falling in love part. There would of been no way to get out of that. The blog makes it very clear I’m from down south and close to you , and all the events of my job such as the store closing that clearly make it obvious it’s me.” I think it’s only obvious when you’re reading about yourself… He had told me she knows everything, to quote him ‘Nothing can hurt our relationship now.’… He told me that several times – so many times that it fucked me off… Fine I get it, your relationship is stronger than ever, that’s why you got married… Fuck off…  “She doesn’t know those finer details. She doesn’t know tthe play by play hot sex we had. She knows we had sex, didn’t use a condom., fell in love , etc. It was a year. I denied it, but she didn’t believe me. And still doesn’t.” I tell him that I will delete the blog if he is worried about her finding it & if he is going to keep bringing it up for us to fight about it… But he says he doesn’t want me to delete it, he says she won’t find it. “There is no way she would stay if she found out I was still fucking you. Our relationship isn’t that strong.“ I don’t believe that, she seems like the type to stay to make him miserable, she did it before & I don’t doubt that she’ll do it again. “She had a go in front of our kids today about me cheating. And I fucking hate it when she does it in front of them. I don’t know, I was being a cunt , so she brings it up. Especially when she has her period.” What a great environment for their kids… Let’s be honest, if she’s still bringing it up – she isn’t going anywhere!

---

19 March 2025 – The next morning I mention something about waiting for him to log off for weeks & he asks if I am scared about that, I’m not scared but cautious. He’s currently saying all the right things about wanting to put in effort but something will happen & he’ll pull back – I do not doubt that. It’s only been just under a month since he found my blog so this will last a few months but he will go back to how he was at some point, I just have to be prepared for that. He asks me if I want him to stop messaging me, he will stop if I want him too & I just simply say no. He replies “Just checking. I secretly love messaging you daily , I missed it.” I tell him that I’ve missed it too, I was always available for him so I wanted more of him, I just denied myself to allow myself to want it. I tell him that I have tried to scare him a little to get him to go back into his hidey hole but he didn’t. He asks what & I say the thing about our initials & mentioning our anniversary. He holds all the cards, always has. He says that I hold some cards, but we both know that isn’t even a little bit true.

We talk on the phone in the morning, something new that we’ve started doing sporadically & I fucking love it… It’s not just about sex, but being very early morning it seems to be the main topic. Chatting on the phone, makes me love what we have become & this new dynamic is so different, I can’t explain it… We were always super honest, but now it’s more honest than ever, I mean he has read my online journal about my dating life so maybe that’s what making him be more open with me… But there has been a shift.

On the way to work a song comes on, from a band I used to love & haven’t listened to in a while, but listening to the lyrics, I think it’s a song for Phoenix about me. It seems to fit our situation a lot… Our love is like a drug for both of us… It’s called I like the way by Unwritten Law, have a listen while reading. I will add to the #IBD4U Spotify list – I’ve now created a blog list so you can listen to all the songs I referenced in a post.

Unwritten Law – I like the way.

I got a cocaine woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of pills
Another ride to the station
And you know I’m gonna pay the bills, lord
I gotta go see my baby
Gotta run run run
The only girl I love
And It’ll be the last one
I know I know
She’s hell on wheels
I know how she feels

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I got a cyclone woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of thrills
Another night she’s away
Couldn’t take cause you know it kills
I missed her for six days
Can’t wait to see
That fine-lookin woman lying next to me

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I wish I wrote about our phone conversations after they happened because I forget all the shit we said… But we must’ve talk about the blog – our new main topic of conversation & he says shit that just pisses me off, that we always end up fighting. He’s talking about chatting online & me not being proud of my body count, “You did what you had to do🤷‍♂️. I would of done the same. I have no doubt you loved me…or love me.. I have made this clear. That is why we are chatting now…. But I was just another guy on the chat app, another guy you got to fuck, even one of a few partnered men that you told me you didn’t do apparently, that was just down south that got to fuck you with the other hoards of men. You just accidentally fell in love with me eventually.” I genuinely don’t get how he can read my blog & really think that he was just one of the many… He says he was the most convenient but is you really think about it, he was the most inconvenient. His phone was tracked, he could only chat to me at certain times, I had to meet him in weird places if I wanted sex, we had limited time together face to face… How is that convenient? He says that if Rob Rob lived close to me that Phoenix would have just been another guy. No way, Rob Rob & I never had a magnetic pull, chemistry, honesty or feelings like Phoenix & I do. Rob Rob knows nothing about me really, like we don’t talk about music tastes or work, he knows basics but we were never going to be anything. I don’t deny that if he was single I would have dated him but it was nothing like what I had with Phoenix. I have never pictured my life like I did (& do) with Phoenix, I picture Phoenix in my house, with my family at family dinner, I picture marrying Phoenix. I had passing thoughts in my blog about dating Rob Rob (& J-Lo) but what Phoenix is making those comments to be that I was in love with them too…  “You couldn’t even uphold our agreement throughout the whole first affair and fucked someone from the chat app towards the end. With full intent too. After telling me how much you love me 🤷‍♂️. I was nothing special sexually and your blog just confirmed that for me. You just fell in love with me eventually and accidentally.” What he will never get because he’s read words & twisted them, but he thinks he is not special to me cos I fucked someone else, but I fucked that guy I think he was Orbit, because Phoenix was making me feel so insignificant in his life, he had a partner who was pregnant. I was waiting for the day he ended it with me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling for Phoenix at the time, I needed to fuck Orbit to realise that I was falling in love with Phoenix but I knew that it wasn’t going to end well with a pregnant partner…

“I’m going to be honest with you .. The Papa Roach post and song was the one that hit me the hardest, the one where I decided I would message you again. And I know you didn’t plan on me seeing it it. But it make me feel okay to reach out to you again and engage conversation without fear… That you hated me , didn’t love me even a tiny bit,or that I was just sex to you only by this point.” I mean I never expected him to see that post & that’s one of the posts I think is embarrassing but that was what I hoped if he did somehow read it. That it would give him the confidence to reach out to me. I was just expecting that it would be when the blog came out world wide cos here would be a movie being made!! Hahaha. Dream on! “I feel like a dickhead now that’s all we talked about it, I feel like a dickhead now that’s all our physical interactions were. Because you did that with everyone else. It’s why I’m trying to not make it about sex anymkre. Anyone can give you sex and you are willing to drop your guard to anyone that gives you enough attention to justify it. So I’m trying hard now not to make it all about sex. But fucking hell, I didn’t not think it was going to be this fucking hard!!!! All I want tto do is fuck you when I’m with you or near you.” Well the feeling in mutual!

We are getting into more snappy territory with him saying shit to me about their relationship, that I say I don’t want to be bitchy so lets move on, but he tells me to be bitchy & because of all the shit he has been saying, I tell him that I think his wife cheated on him first & that’s why she’s been so paranoid about him cheating. He says “Na. She basically cried the first time she fucked a guy and went open/ And felt incredibly guilty.” Mate she’s an actress out of work, she fucking took pills as you walked in the door for attention when you tried to leave her, you don’t think that was a fucking act?! God he’s so fucking dumb! He says shes a goody two shoes, never speeds or breaks the law & has no sense of adventure. Sorry isn’t this the woman who you once told me used to get into punch up with other chicks on the dance floor in nightclubs?! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! She can’t be a fucking goody two shoes if she’s starting fights! She’s also tried to stab him with a mirror shard that she broke when she found out. She also punched him in the face when she saw a message to someone else about loving me… So get fucked!! “Na if you saw what I saw the first couple of guys.” Yeah if I saw what he saw, I would have seen an academy award winning performance… I get he doesn’t want to believe that the mother of his children could ever do that, just as she doesn’t want to think about the father of her children fucking another woman. I get it. He says “Well she does love me haha. But that was one of her reasons I’m sure. I thought about you alot on my wedding day🤷‍♂️ Would of been nice if you broke up with me like after it. But it was almost like the universe was telling you it was not a good time to be in love with me… And obviously I was pulling back (but had no actual plans to end it) And I couldn’t bring myself to admiring I was marrying her. Especially once you went in to full love mode.” I wasn’t out on a limb by myself in full love mode… You’re a fucking wanker Phoenix, I say “See you act like I was the only one spouting sonnets. You fucking started it both times then make it seem like I was the only one ‘madly’ in love…. You were getting married so obviously in madly in love with someone else.” He replies “Hahaha. You think I’m madly in love with my wife? You think I love her the same way I do you ? You think I have sex with her the same way I do with you ?” I don’t even talk about myself to her. Because she’s not interested. She has no interest in anything I do. She didn’t even care about my page until it gave her luxury money to spend. She puts down all my interests and hobbies. You really think we are madly in love with each other ?” My heart actually hurts. Not only because they don’t really love each other & are married but because I want to talk to this man, I want to hear about his bullshit, I want to do things with him & don’t get any of that but we’re madly in love. Why wouldn’t she want to find someone she is madly in love with? Why wouldn’t he want to be with the person he is madly in love with. They settled, for the kids… That’s it, end of story. “She loves me, and I do love her, and I never denied that … But you really think I am madly in love with her? Haha I got butterflies for you still the first day I met you for lunch… I didn’t want to tell you, and I know you got them … as in 2 weeks ago … I never had that with my wife. Ever. Not even when we started dating.” I can’t deny that this conversation just makes me more frustrated than reassured like he is trying to achieve here. This convo is just like when he used to say to me that some man with be so fucking lucky to marry me! It’s not reassuring, it’s fucking heart breaking that Phoenix isn’t that man!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – I don’t hate you

For the next two weeks, until 4th January 2026, there will be a blog post everyday at 7:00am, including Christmas day! Hopefully my little journal gives you some joy during the holiday season & you enjoy the story!

17 March 2025 – The next morning he sends me cum shots of cum on his chest from him jerking off, he couldn’t jerk off last night though, he tells me because he was in bed & his wife was asleep next to him – yes! SHE WAS LYING FUCKING NEXT TO HIM!!!! I sent SOOOO many naked pics, FFS!!! Imagine if she woke up & demanded to look at his phone! Anyway, he says “You are so funny though….how do you go from being pissed off… starting to get sassy with me … To then sending me literally the hottest pics you have ever sent to me.” Yeah I thought I was being a bitch because he frustrated me, so I wanted to frustrate him… I can almost picture his face of confusion when he says, “What a super nice way to be a bitch.” I laugh at that, I mean I felt sexy & good, so I sent pics then logged off!

He actually also starts looking at every story I post – as snapchat is the only social media I use regularly now that Mark Zuckerberg shut down my 17 year old personal Facebook, knowing I was hacked because my Instagram & WhatsApp are both the same as my details on Facebook (email, phone number etc) & owned by him! So I did not do whatever they think I did, so I only now use snapchat really. I post on snapchat, not for Phoenix to see because he used to miss about 90% of what I posted & even if he did look at it, he never said anything or replied to the posts, but now that he’s replying to everything, I am not changing the way I post, but I am aware that he is going to see them all & pay attention. I’ve always wanted him to see what I post, I had always wanted to tell him about the blog but I never thought this would be this reaction! We just never have enough time to tell him everything, especially being online friendship only – until recently, if he doesn’t like what I say, he could just log off & never log back on.

I tell him that one of my favourite moments with his was when we were in Red Rooster for lunch & I touched his dick & he said ‘don’t touch it’ pulling away but then he slid his hand up my skirt &  felt my panties & said ‘I just touched it’ he doesn’t get it asking “How is me making stupid goofy remark even a top moment haha.” For both of us, this is the best sex we’ve ever had, he always thought that I ranked that the highest out of anything – which I understand why he thinks that, as it’s what I used to get people to like me – including him when we first started chatting & fucking, but what he doesn’t get it that the amazing sex isn’t the top moments for me anymore, I try to explain “Cos I find you funny, I’ve always been attracted to your sense of humour… But in person we have always pretty much just fucked… And so I’ve never really see you laugh or joke like you have been… You smiled & laughed & I made a joke & it was just a super cute moment for me… Not having had many cute couple moment before, I loved it. My fav moments with you, will probably never match yours, but those types of moments mean more to me, than you & more than you probably will realise.” The couple moments, not sex couple, but everyday mundane jokes are going to outrank any sexual moment for me & they always did but now I am getting more of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still want sex & our sex is so fucking exciting & unpredictable that I will always want it, but while he probably doesn’t get it fully from my perspective but he wants to be more than just sex to me, he explains why he’s doing this “I’m terrible dry often sarcastic brutally honest sense of humour ? Most people don’t find it funny haha. I’m glad you enjoyed it, I actually really want to spend more time with you not simply just be fucking each other. That didn’t go very well on the 4 hours the other week however! We had sex the entire time haha. But I don’t just want to be sex just to you …. especially after reading your blog. Hence why I keep saying… you don’t have to suck my cock to see me, or you don’t have to have sex with me if I see you for lunch.” He definitely isn’t just sex to me & never was but he says “I know I’m not just sex to you, I know you love me, we just made it the main star of our physical relationship sex mainly , I guess just how meaninglessness you make sex to you in your blog, or how easy you could give it up, makes me think twice, like I don’t want to be just a guy having sex with you because you are trying to get them to like you via those means. I liked you before I fucked you. I do wish the first time wasn’t so sex oriented face to face. But it worked I guess.” He forgets he chose his wife over me, then became open & he would have fucked anything he could without a second thought about me, so don’ give me that bullshit, he is no fucking different. I was trying to find a replacement.

I tell him that sex isn’t meaningless, not with him, there have been dudes I fucked that I couldn’t care less about but if he was single as long as me, he would have similar experiences, I have no doubt about that, I mean when he was open & looking for a chick to fuck, that would have been meaningless sex, so he’s deluded if he thinks he wouldn’t do it if he could but he is too scared to be alone to ever have meaningless sex. “I do think our sex means something to you , but it is fucking scary loving you and being someone that loves you, and someone that considers sex with you meaningful, your blog is quite intimating in that way, I think meaningless is wrong term, but basically through your entire 30s, you would have sex with anything that gave you attention and you were semi attracted to, before me, after I left you the first time, and in the last 5 years. And there is part of me that just regrets just being another person that spent most my little time face to face fucking you, especially considering that is mostly what other guys offered you (and hence why I question anything sexual is even special to you).” If he was single, he’d be no different, but he jumps from relationship to relationship.

He tells me that reading my blog there weren’t many surprises for him because I told him pretty much everything, including the sex party – that was when he was open & he was telling me that he’d just had my number one fantasy that he wouldn’t have with me, with his wife… So I told him things to make him jealous & make him miss me… What he didn’t realise was how much I thought about him at the moments, “Nearly every post mentions me, sometimes very minor , or you compare every guy to me , sometimes major, sometimes minor. Or the things you like about me you look for in other men. Almost like any quality you saw in me made a man attractive to you, and it ranged to how they fucked you, or their height , or even having my name mentioned to you while being fucked in a public toilet, or being fucked by a bunch of random dudes and just going home feeling empty and just thinking about me only. You mention me a fucking lot. 80% of your posts mention me in some capacity. Your poor readers.” I mean if he ever doubted my feelings even a little, he now has proof on how stupid that doubt was.

I still don’t get how he doesn’t hate me for the blog. I was always so scared he or she would find it, I mean if she found it he would hate me but because he found it when we were in a reasonably good place, it’s probably the right time for it to be found “How could I hate you when you were constantly comparing everything to me haha? Why did you even think I would hate you. Or constantly mentioned me, like even after I broke your heart, or when my relationship with my wife was open and somehow you found out a bunch of stuff that was happening during that time, you still thought of me. So how the fuck can I hate you ?” He told me the stuff, I didn’t ‘somehow’ find it out, he fucking rubbed it in my face, daily! “I never in my wildest dreams thought you would ever read it… I mean how embarrassing is some of it…. Um, I am cringing at one post I know of…” He say that he can tell from how I wrote that I never thought he would see it. He asks which post but I avoid the subject – there are so many I wish I never happened!

We move on to talking about how much shit he told me after he was supposed to be happy in his relationship with her, & being a fucking asshole to me to make me hate him & move on. “You do know I asked her while in hospital if I could see both of you hahaha. I said I was not willing to give you up. It didn’t go down very well. And she only married me as big fuck you to you hahaha.” Um, what the fuck?! “She would purposely take photos of us together on Facebook with the full inention of you seeing it …” Um, I NEVER looked at her Facebook – I blocked her & never looked at it, I saw the wedding photo she had posted of her looking all gooney eyed at a guy who looked like he could not give a fuck that he was at his own wedding. I knew without him saying that he thought of me that day & she would have known that too, what woman wants to marry someone thinking of someone else on their wedding day? Even if you are binding yourself to someone forever as a fuck you to his mistress who didn’t even know it was happening?! So fucking twisted!! “Like the sole reason of the picture of us was a big fuck you to you. You did a fuck you back to her though. You did everything in your power to fuck me once you found out I was married. Which I found quite amusing. Reading that blog posr. Women are fuckin idiots. I don’t even think I’m worth all the fuss.” Um… No. Everything I did was about him, I don’t even know her, I couldn’t give a shit about her & I do not do anything to get back at her for marrying him… I pushed so hard to fuck him after he married her to prove to him that he made a fucking giant mistake & sadly, it was more to prove to myself that he still loved me & that even though he was married, he still wanted me & would jeopardise that. It had nothing to do with her…

When I found out he was open, he said to me that he was trying for an open relationship to see me, but he never even contacted me, he came back on the chat app & avoided me, so I call bullshit on his stupid line he spun me, but he says sometimes he plays the long game – but I wasn’t going to stick around for this stupid long game he was playing by himself. I don’t believe it for a second! He was in an open relationship, kinky sex with his wife, allowed to fuck other women, having 3sums, didn’t lose his kids or house so I was not even in his mind. He had it all. I was a distant memory! He ignored me for days on the app when I found out about him being on there. So bull fucking shit mate you were playing the long game for me. He says “I intentionally set my children to be independent months in advance so I could see you on weekends for example. My kids are no longer babysat on weekends anymore. Somehow I have convinced my wife that they can look after themselves. My daughter is only 7 lol. It was intentional with the possibility of seeing you” Interestingly he only saw me one weekend before for a substantial amount of time & it was only after he found my blog… Does this guy think I believe a word of this bullshit?

“Every woman blames the mistress , the home wrecker. They always hate them usually.” But I don’t even know her, I wasn’t committed to her & if she didn’t sleep all day he wouldn’t have been online as much as he was, falling for someone else. “You made ‘her man’ fall in love with you , not only did you fuck him. You let him fall in love you.” I didn’t make him do anything & I didn’t let him fall in love with me, he had to tell me that I had feelings for him because I was denying it & not sure of what I was even feeling… So that whole thing is dumb, I get the woman will blame the mistress & she could blame me a little for the last five years, I have put in a lot of effort but she can’t blame me for him being online & I certainly didn’t make him do anything… I tried to get him to see the first & second time that I wanted to be with him & I couldn’t make him see that, so how the fuck could I make him fall in love with me!?

I say “I didn’t hate anyone you chatted too or cause drama for them. I hated you for it. Not them.” & he says, “I wish you told me how much you hated me chatting to people. I would of pulled back. You were never open about that. You got jealous. You made that very clear. But you never told me how much you truly hated it. I would of. Or at least make more of an effort. I had no idea how much it truly affected you. You make it very clear you struggled with it … In your blog. If I knew it affected you that bad I would of stopped. I just thought you were midl. Mildly he.” OMG, is he actual serious!? I told him all the fucking time how much I hated it, “I had fucking melt downs about you flirting in groups & coming back online without chatting me… I also didn’t want to be an obligation to you… Having to chat to me & me alone. I never wanted that.. I just felt insignificant, I told you that multiple times & you just kept doing it…” I remind him of a time he came back online & didn’t even say hello to me, when I said something to him, he just told me that he thought I would have been asleep – in the whole time we’d known each other I was always online waiting till she went to bed to chat to him… But I ask you, if he thought I was asleep & so didn’t message me, why did he come back online?! I told him that night he did that, that I was jealous & he just kept chatting & flirting in the group, blatantly in front of me while not talking to me. He says “I didn’t feel that way because I had been chatting to you all day. In my mind how can you feel insignificant if had been talking to you all day from the moment you woke ul.” But everyday, he would do this & also chat at night, but he started not coming back online at night & this time he did but didn’t chat to me…. I tell him & had told him many times, that I used to rush home from the gym, shower & be waiting to message him when she went to bed. He says that he never wanted me waiting around for him, but he fucking knew damn well that I did it, it was the main thing we fought about because if he didn’t come back online I would be sitting there waiting like a fuckwit & then thinking that clearly they had sex which is why he didn’t come back online. What a great thought that is!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Tease

16 March 2025 – I create another countdown for our ‘anniversary’ which he says is lame but then he says out of the blue “I do love you.” To which I say it back because for 8 years with our upcoming anniversary, I do love him still & always.  He says, “I honestly do … And I know you do. It’s why after 8 years despite everything. We are still in each other’s lives. I still think you are a dumb cunt and should of pushed me away. And the only reason we are here is because of you.” Errr wow… He says that I was the one the kept it going – I mean when he came online eventually, yes I did work hard to get him to keep seeing me… Sometimes it was just to see if he would after marrying her, but then it grew to me using him for sex while I dated other fuckwits, then I stopped seeing other people because they are all fucking idiots, being over two years since I last fucked another guy & over six months since I went on an actual date which was a walk on the beach.

We get into another special/not special fight & he says that I don’t get it because I just say to him that he had a wife. Yeah, you’re right, I won’t get it. He made things up in his head that things were special, I never said they were special. I never said that sex was special for me, except the fact that this dude gives me the best sex I’ve ever had & the fact that we’ve made love – but not in some lame way, in a #IBD4U/Phoenix way. I try to difuse the subject & offer to give him a hug & scratch his head which he loves & looks like he’s going to purr when I do it, I say “Do you want to hear something absolutely ridiculous that if it doesn’t make you vomit or realise that I’m a loser & also fucking love you so much, I will just end it all now….!! 🤣” He asks what, so I try to explain, you might have to read this twice… “So I was thinking about our initials…. We both have a K. We have a M&N which are next to each other & in the middle next to the K in the alphabet. We have a C&W which are at the start & end of the alphabet. #Lame.” OMG I actually don’t even know how he thinks I am the smartest person he knows! Hahaha. He agrees that’s lame & he had to read it a couple of times to get it, but then says “I have not a single doubt that you love me.” This is the stupid shit I think up! “Or I’m special to you as a friend , online and off-line. I just don’t feel special to you as. Sexually.” I will never understand his point of view on this. I try to explain that when his wife found out & he whittled my first love down to a toothpick, something that was so special for me, that it hurt me, so if he has something made up in his head that was special sexually, then we’re even! But he says that lying to her didn’t make it less special. Well it did for me – because the only person he told about it, he lied about it to!!

When we talk about how he realised that the blog was me, it was because the most recent post at the time Trainer, I didn’t tell him I was fired because of that dude – well I don’t know if he was the reason I was fired, so I just omitted the fact he came over for a drink. Nothing happened with him anyway so what was there to tell? We had some flirty banter in the workplace & that was it. He came over, was a fuckhead & he quit & left. I say that I wasn’t suicidal but I don’t know what I would have done if I lost Phoenix too, but he says “Fun fact… I haven’t thought about ending it once this time. I was just waiting for you to end it.” Well that was never going to happen from my perspective, he continues “It’s something that really bothered me. You not having sex with me , and not seeing me due to a relationship. Bothered me. Especially when it came down to mainly sex.” He says something about us having had sex weekly since this V2.0 started, saying that he wasn’t intending to have sex with me more but he wanted to restore the friendship & see me more without sex, not wanting to be just sex to me. He says “And I already miss you soooo fuckin much when I’m not chatting to you. I hate that feeling.” Awww, how cute. “I didn’t think I would get so addicted to you so quick. I didn’t think I would do like a 80km round trip to see you …” Fuck… “I have meant every thing I said. I love you too #IBD4U. Good night x”

So one of the things I think I love most about the Phoenix morning rants, is that they start at like 4:30am sometimes earlier, they go on for a while with each message he sends & they are so scattered that I get answers to things that we spoke about yesterday or even the day before, I don’t think he scrolls our chats like I do sometimes but it’s like he remembers me asking something or us talking about something & he replies properly in his ranty morning messages. “So I know you hold it against me, I know you got jealous , and I know you knew I was on the anon app looking for people to chat and have even joined new apps too. You are still bringing it now that it annoys you , asking me why having my wife and you isn’t enough. I can assure it was, is , and always enough, infact sometimes it’s too much. It’s not as easy as people think to have an affair, and I’m not talking about chatting to random people on the net, or sleeping with them once or twice. Which is what most partnered men do. When you develop feelings for that person it is extremely hard, I found it extremely hard, it was worth it, but hard. I never want to do that again. Also if you are wondering why most partnered men go weird or pull back after sleeping with you a few times or once, that would be reason, I can assure it is really fucking hard, you need to juggle your feelings with a person you are falling for, someone you are attracted too and want to fuck, at the same time lying to a partner that you also love, and maintaining appearances to them. While at the same time putting that person first, but missing your mistress and wanting to chat to her, see her and fuck her. So any time you saw me looking to chat to people online post first affair, including to this very day, it’s because it’s simply that, I’m just looking for someone to chat to, I never want to have an affair again. It’s already too much this time …. Like I said I missed you yesterday and found it really hard. But I was never looking for a full blown affair, I was never going to meet anyone and never planned on having sex with someone. Somehow you pulled me in, and even worse, I was dying to fuck you haha. I wanted to sleep with you before I met you, I wanted to sleep with you after we met , I wanted to do it within weeks of chatting to you. And I had been chatting with women through my entire relationship with my wife, and even had offers, multiple , and close friendships too. Once you gave me the green light you would sleep with me, we were fuckin doomed, because I started plotting how I was going to do it. And just like you do, I make decisions in life based on having the ability to cheat, I intentionly got an android incase I would see you h future (despite knowing you could end it at any time if you had another relationship), I intentionally picked a part time job so I was available a little more…to be able to see you. So yeah. There is your rant. Also back to coconuts. I going to guess you don’t like them ? I’m weird with coconuts, I don’t like fresh coconuts, don’t like their milk or juice or yoghurt. But I love cherry ripe, love coconut rough, enjoy laminations, Anzac cookies, etc where anything coconut is a secondary flavour. But you won’t see me chugging on some coconut water. Coconuts! Ps you are now #IBD4U” (remember he had me in snapchat as Vagina Meat! & now he’s has me as my initials.)

I fucking love his little rants, I reply “Hehehe you are so adorable. I would hug you right now if I could… I know it’s not easy cheating. It’s not fucking easy being a mistress either. Especially with someone who twists my words… I know you say cunt things to me to push me away – just like the first line of My Medication. I get it but my perspective is still & always will be that I was never enough if you’re still looking for chats – when I was here all along desperate to chat to you…. You know basically now how hard things were for me after reading our story. And seeing details you were never meant to know, not just about other men but how I felt & how upset I was, what I held back…. Coconuts was like days ago, wasn’t it…. Hahaha…. I don’t like dessicated coconut cos it gets in the wire behind my teeth & I can’t get it out even with brushing….” Fuck our conversations are so hilarious & scattered…

He mentions that I could meet him at work on his break, but he only gets 30 minutes though he never knows when it’s going to be as they just go when its not busy & sometimes he gets the first break & sometimes he gets the last break. We both only get 30 minutes so it makes our lunch breaks difficult to use for sex or even just a sexless date, because I don’t want to leave! He says that he’ll probably be going about 9:30am, it’s 9:00am now. It’s a 19 minute drive, so I don’t like to admit it I am in my car heading down to his work, thinking if it doesn’t happen, I have to go to the shops anyway so I’ll just do that instead, so I don’t feel like an idiot for getting in my car so fucking quickly before he’s even confirmed! I get to his work for the first time this affair & park next to his car I tell him where I am & that no doubt he’ll make me move, which he does tell me to go park by the chemist, why the fuck I do what I’m told but I do.

He gets in the car & kisses me hello, he tells me to move near his car but I don’t, I think where we are is fine, I am not driving all around the carpark when he basically only has like 25 minutes to hang out with me. How easy the conversation flows, this is the first time we’ve seen each other since he told me he found my blog a few days ago, but that doesn’t make it weird. We sit chatting about shit & when he realises I am wearing no panties, he fingers me until I cum so I suck his dick for a few seconds but we don’t have sex. Later he says that he’s surprised we didn’t have sex… Well I mean did sexual things, so does that count? We talk about the blog right before he has to go & sort of have a disagreement that pisses me off & he then says he has to go & jumps out the car. I say to him “And for the record because you really pissed me off & then jumped out the car leaning on that shit note… So think what you want about not being special sexually… You are literally the most significant, important person in my life, have been since I met you. What I did before you, doesn’t count & what I did after you, was always a futile attempt to replace you. We will say nothing more about the blog. I’m done with it. Acrually the only thing I want to know about it is… Do you think I’m a good writer?” & he tells me that I am a really good writer which makes me smile.

Have you ever had a partner send you a meme that reminds them of you? I hear about couples being tagged in memes & Tik Toks all the time, for obvious single reasons I’ve never had that, I don’t recall Phoenix ever sending me a meme before but he sends me one (I’ve made my meme heart today!) & regardless of what it says, I am giddy with glee that he saw something & thought of me. I love the tiny gesture, that he will never understand is what’s special to me…

He says that because he was a little over his break time already, he didn’t get to wash his hands so he could smell my cum on his fingers all afternoon. Because he made me cum but then annoyed me & ran away, I am horny, having a fight with him always makes me horny, I have had a couple of wines at my sisters so I start sending him very sexy suggestive pics. Not unlike me with him to send pics, but I haven’t really sent him pics in a long time! He says that this is a new mood, me being Miss Cranky Pants, so I say “You teased me (yes I came!), I was happy then you piss me off so now I send you pics & piss you off….” He says that this isn’t a punishment! It probably isn’t but I am in a teasing mood! I send him about 10 naked pics including a video of me cumming, then because it’s later in the evening, I just say good night & log off without looking at his replies… Fuck him!

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Do you hate me?

15 March 2025 – No matter what I say now, he’s read what he’s read & he’s drawn his own conclusions that he is not special sexually to me. I was never special sexually to him, he had a wife the whole time, who went all kinky for him when she found out about me. He did my number one fantasy with her, no thought of how I would feel when he told me about it in great detail, so the fact he’s annoyed at me for having a sex life that I didn’t rub in his face, is just fucking stupid, which is what I tell him, “If that’s how you read it, then you’re a fucking dick head…” I knew he would hate me, but I figured that he would just stop talking to me when he’d read it. “Haha how else did you think I would read it? You think I wouldn’t go all ‘Phoenix’ on you. Who gives a fuck. You now have me back in your life and I’m going to try harder with you and trying to be a bit nicer and not as much of cunt. And clearly I haven’t held it against you too much. At the end of the day, I knew who I was fucking and knew you were not some in experienced Virgin.🤷‍♂️ I’m going offline for a bit but will try and chat later x. I’m not being a dick or fighting with you btw.” Of course he has to go offline, right when we are getting into a heated discussion. Fuck you!

When he finally comes back he doesn’t get why I think he’d hate me, because he says it doesn’t identify him, it doesn’t paint him in a bad light & most of it is good. He says he wouldn’t recommend me showing him, but he doesn’t hate it or me, it just made him miss what we had. He says that pretty much anything bad in the blog I say about him I had told him to his face or via text anyway… At least it explains all the screenshots that I take! Hahaha.

The next morning, I get my little Phoenix rant, which always makes me smile from ear to ear, “I regret telling you I found it now…. I didn’t think you would go all weird on me and freak out and not even be able to talk to me … I debated back and forth if I should tell you , but decided to tell you so you didn’t think I was fucking dying , and just explain why I would randomly say stupid things purposely to gauge a reaction such as telling you I’d fuck cowboys mistress just to piss you off because I had read something that made me jealous. There is alot of detail about your sexual history there, and I definitely should have not read it, as you basically fucked anything and you almost make having sex with you feel meaningless, you don’t say a bad word about me, but you rarely say a bad word about others there either, and after reading it, I’ll be honest, it does feel like having sex with you is just something trivial and meaningless because of how easy you let men do it to you , and it was before, after, during me, I kept an eye on timeliness very carefully. So now I want more than sex with you. So that is why I’m being all weird lately. I just don’t want to be one of the million guys that is allowed to fuck you. I wanted My best friend back , and I just didn’t want sex with you. Hence why I met up you twice now with no intention to actually fuck you, or if it didn’t happen I was not going to be dissapointed, going way out of my way to do it too. I can’t and I could never give you many firsts, despite how much you made a fuss about random stupid firsts, and I’m cool with that. But I can be a better friend and not just simply fuck you” What he will never understand, even though I have told him & what you all know & what he should see from this blog, is that I always used sex to get men to like me, tragic as that is, I did it – the only person it ever worked with was the one man I had such chemistry with that he turned out to be the only one I ever begged & chased, it’s fucking him…! He says that he can see I picked the wrong men – like I had so many choices… I fucking dated the only ones that wanted to date me & none wanted a second date so how did I chose that?!

The thing that bugs him the most is Rob Rob, the fact he & I sexted & that he was married. Phoenix thought he was the only married guy, but turns out he wasn’t, which is stupid because he knew about Max. He keeps going on about being special & how he’s not because he was one of the many, which just fucks me off. I snap back “So using that logic, I wasn’t & am not special to you.. You had your partner, you had Rory, you had cowboys mistress…. You even told me you sexted with people, sent pics, you chatted on the anonymous app the whole time… Hell you’re even now currently on the new anon app.” When he asks which one is the new anon app, I get even more pissed off “Fuck me Phoenix… Really?? How many random apps are you on because your wife & I are not enough!” He says that he only uses the chat apps when he gets bored on days off but what annoys him is that I had said that if either J-lo or Rob Rob left their partners, that I would be with them… The shit he doesn’t understand is that, yeah if they had left their partner I would have tried for a relationship with them, I was looking for a partner, I was dating, so why wouldn’t I date them if they were single? I had a friendship with them that doesn’t mean I was in love with them or what I had with Phoenix was any less… I was dating in the hopes of finding a partner, someone who wanted me, someone who wanted only me. So I don’t think it should be a surprise that I would have entertained the idea. He says that Cowboys mistress & Rory were not even in his mind if things ended with his wife, but I call bullshit, both of them were in relationships for a start & second if I was in a relationship & he was single, he would have 100% fucked them & he would not have waited like I do for him! Don’t fucking bullshit me Phoenix!! All he focuses on is that I was chatting to them while having an affair with him… How’s the pot calling the kettle black! He was married & chatting to other women the whole time, so what difference does it make if I was? He says he wasn’t planning a relationship with women he was chatting to if shit hit the fan but apparently I was. Yes, I was looking for a relationship!!! He gets really angry & so do, I that he says he doesn’t want to fight about it because we only have limited time to talk & he doesn’t want to spend it fighting with me. Fuck he is so frustrating. I kinda wish he would just hate me & block me if this is what I have to deal with…

I send a snap because we have a long streak going – I forget what it’s up too now but the little hour glass about it expiring, doesn’t go away, he says he has no idea about snapchat, so I just say “Actually I’ll just let it expire, cos you’re not special… 🤷🏼‍♀️” which I get his second most infuriating response is “Do what you need to do 🤷‍♂️.” Get fucked cockhead! Then he says “I’m off-line for day , so chat again sometime 🙂” Oh double get fucked cockhead!

Ironically, he does come back online at night, I don’t want to message but fuckwit that I am, don’t want to miss out on my friend & don’t want to go to sleep so pissed off. We talk for ages about all sorts of crap, getting onto the topic of his Facebook page, he says that he’s worked heaps in the last few weeks & he’s not been able to think of content for the page but he says “I’d rather see you 🤷‍♂️. You are important to me, I need to start showing it to you.” I mean that’s sweet & I fucking love that, that I wish my job was more flexible, I am chained to a horrible desk with a team who watches what you do, not the boss, the team, tracking what time you come & go for lunch. He says that he finishes at 10:00am on Thursday so he’ll see me then, I tell him I’ll try to work from home but he says that he’s happy to come the extra distance to work for lunch & it doesn’t matter as he’s getting his car serviced.

We talk all night, him saying he’s cook me steak if he got to cook me a meal, I wish he would cook me steak, I would love for him to cook me a meal… When he goes to sign off for the night, he apologies for being a dick to me & says that he regrets reading the blog… I mean if this is the result of him reading it, I don’t regret it. But I am apprehensive – especially if he is saying he regrets it because that means he’s just a few days away from pulling back & leaving me reeling about what the fuck has just happened in the last few weeks!

I wake up to no rant but I get his usual 4:30am good morning. I am disappointed that there is no rant, but only two short messages & I think this is the beginning of the end. He regretted it last night so now he’s woken up & realising that he needs to pull back… But then he says “Haha trust me you don’t want a. Anymore rants. Because rr. Reading about what me has made everything come back to the front of my mind, and gave me a reality check. And I’ve always missed you. But reading our entire story man it hit me different.”

Playing around with snapchat, I create a countdown for him to bring me ice-cream when I have my surgery, knowing it probably won’t happen cos he won’t be talking to me then anyway. He’s at work, even though it’s Saturday he messages consistently & quickly. I am lying in bed sending him cheeky messages & pictures trying to get a reaction from him, which I get! We talk further about how I probably have the dates of when we met, which I do “We met on the chat app on the 24 March 2017… We met on the 21 April 2017 for lunch & we had sex on 9 May 2017” I send that but looking back, I must seem like a fucking crazy person, who has those dates, so readily available – well they are on a USB somewhere so I had to find it but yes I have them on a spreadsheet!

He says again that sex is meaningless to me & that he was just another guy I fucked. He forgets that it took us over a month to meet in person, for a sexless lunch, that he was never just a guy I fucked, I fell for him so hard, I still love him, so much so that even after all this time we still are able to cum together without faking or trying too… How is that meaningless with him? “And sex was meaningless, I won’t deny that… Till I had someone who loved me. Made love to me & made me feel things I didn’t know existed…” He made me feel things that I didn’t know were possible. He taught me things sexually – which there is no point talking to him about because he won’t believe me, but most of all he taught me about love, friendship & relationships that I never thought I would know or feel in my life. It’s like he’s never had meaningless sex before?! I mean hasn’t everyone just fucked someone for the sake of having sex?! He will ALWAYS be the most special human being in my history because he was the one who eliminated my biggest fear in life & that was: dying without being loved or feeling loved. In my eyes, obviously not his, that is more special to me that anything else…

I was loved.

I am loved.

I love.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Why? What? Where? How?

13 March 2025 – Oooooh intrigue! Who is Phoenix?!

Well it only seems fitting that at this point of the story, affair 3 or ‘A3v2.0’ as I’ve started referring to it as, that the pseudonym change for Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel to Phoenix. Buckle up readers, things are about to get juicy! (the name will be explained!)

“Haha but I probally need to confess…” Yes he better fucking confess before I lose my mind about why he’s being weird… There can only be three things that I can think of… He’s dying from this brain tumour or things aren’t good at home – she’s leaving, he’s leaving – but the marriage is breaking up & he’s setting up his backup plan with me by pulling me close but what I actually think the reason he’s being weird, is that he’s somehow found my blog – I fucking hope it’s the former because he’s going to hate me if it’s the latter!

He’s typing for ages & I can’t fucking stand it… When I see his message, I gasp out aloud, “I found your blog….” FUUUUCCCKKKK! “I googled your fantasy the other day you sent it to me, and it came up with your blog, and it made me realise alot of things and I mean alot of things to you…. it also made me not afraid to reach out to you and be honest with you…. so it was a good thing and it does verify alot of things, it also does poke alot of holes in things you don’t tell me or I shouldn’t know …..there are obviously things I hate in there , there are things that I tear myself down with to make me seem not special to you sexually, but it did make let me know you missed our friendship , and that you did always think about me during our down times. So I decided it was time to reconnect properly But worse of all, it made me miss you sooo much more. The good times are good to read about And I’ve been debating all week to tell you.” Hahaha, FUCK, I knew it!!! I even said to my sister the other day that I think he’s been reading it.

Now I have that confirmed. FUCK. What the fuck has he read & what the fuck did I write?! SHIT. FUCK. SHIT. Well he’s already said that there are things I didn’t tell him – which is true… I did that to stop him from hating me. I did that because I was an idiot.

Back at the end of February, on the day we fucked & he started being weird he had said to me “You have probably written stories indirectly or directly about me too 😜” FUCK, I knew then that he was reading, well I had a inkling that he was but fuck he told me the day he found it & I missed it!!!! So looking back on it now, the blog stats from the 24 February when he started this – or found my blog to 13 March when he confesses that he found it & it’s so fucking obvious, I feel so dumb for really not putting it together but I am so scared he’ll hate me for what I wrote about him & his wife!

He says that he’s read it all, fuck all 500+ posts, meaning he would read about all the fucking shit I’ve done & how I ended up really wrapped up in him, would he see how I got so wrapped up in him or is he still poking holes in my story & not believing that while he thinks he was special sexually – which he was & still is, the non-sexual things mean 1000000 x more than anything sexual with him. Like the Tuesday nights sitting in the car after we had epic sex & just chatting, him being the first person to ever tell me he loved me… More recently, holding hands while walking through a shopping centre. We just have very different points of view on what is special.

Anyway, he says “But if you were wondering why I would just randomly tell you about cowboys mistress, I obviously did that on purpose. I wanted to make you jealous because I got jealous.” Yeah I knew there had to be a reason – our relationship has always been tit for tat. Even though he fucking destroyed me by ending it & ghosting me the first time then coming back online & telling me all about his kinky wife, he got pissed at me for sharing on Facebook or Fetlife, yet he was directly telling me how kinky & amazing his wife was, so I knew there was some reason why he was trying to make me jealous when he talked about her.

He’s mostly pissed that I told other men about the blog but not him, he says the blog doesn’t make him hate me but makes him like me more… Honestly, I find that so odd, because I don’t know I would be ok with someone writing about my sex life, my family, my job & quoting me no less with copy & pasted quotes from our private chats, he says it makes him feel a bit sorry for me but made him not afraid to drop the wall with me… If I had of known that he would be ok with it, I would have told him as soon as I started posting… But I genuinely assume (& still wait for the day) that he hates me because of the blog.

He analyses me based on what he’s read “I mean you do make me sound like some sort of sex God🤷‍♂️. You are soooo fucked up. And based on your blog it just came down to bad luck. I also think you were looking for love in the wrong places after me. I do not believe you are unlovable, bad at relationships, even affection.” I hate the word desperate but I always say for lack of a better word, I was desperate, “I just think you have a terrible judge of character, and being so desperate for a relationship you let alot of red flags slip.” I mean there have been red flags with everyone, but someone once told me that red flags can turn pink, so yeah I do overlook a lot of shit. I mean look at how much I overlook with Phoenix – he brought his mentally unstable partner to my house, he blamed me for her STI… to name just a few things!

“Like I got insanely jealous when I learnt you had online brutal honest friendships… So I made sure I told you I had the same thing… I wanted you to be jealous. That was fuckin intentional. You obviously still use it a blog when you need to vent. There are some things in there that boosted my ego…but also some things that hurt it … I found it Sunday when you shared me the story, and had read most of it by Monday…. before I saw you, but you had sense sometimes had changed in me…….” Fuck he had read it when I saw him that weird day in February when he was really cuddley & hung around way longer than he usually does. Shit. It’s been almost three weeks since then so guess he’s not going to hate me because of it? I can relax? Though the friendships with J-Lo & Rob Rob are the ones that he’s pissed about… I get that. I understand how hard they would be to read, but they literally got a few posts each & were not brutally honest, I barely know anything about Rob Rob really & J-lo doesn’t joke a lot. Phoenix now has four fucking nicknames for fuck sake!

So I now have literally nothing left to hide from him. Any white lie I told him back in the beginning or even with Trainer, he now knows. The only part I still hide, is how much I want him in my life, properly in my life… I am getting better at not hiding that side of me, but I am still waiting for him to pull away again, so I trying not to just let myself give him all of me. I have tried to still make it about sex, when we chat, when we talk on the phone – something that’s been happening a bit more but I talk cheeky, when we meet for sexless dates – twice now, I made hin fuck me one of those times… I still need for it to be about sex because this man. While I don’t really think there is one only soul mate for each of us, I’m not sure I believe in ‘the one’, but I think this man is mine but I can’t let myself get to invested in this. He is going to pull back, he has a wife & kids, they aren’t going anywhere, I know it’ll be me hurt & dumped again when shit hits the fan…

The L word has never done us any favours in the past, in fact it’s probably what destroyed us because neither of us could give each other what we wanted, he wanted & needed for me to be more open, but I didn’t know how to be open & vulnerable. I needed him to be more communicative & obviously single. We couldn’t give each other a fraction of what we needed. We had love & passion, chemistry & friendship but it was never enough if we didn’t have all of the other one, plus it was mostly online. But I can’t be the open, vulnerable partner that he needs, not while our situation is like it is. It is impossible for me to let my guard down so completely, like he needs while I am in this situation. As it is, he’s just read my deep dark secrets & his response was to try to make me jealous, so that tells me that I need to hold back a little with him still, he is not ready for me yet.

He does say that he’ll never doubt my love for him again after reading it. It still annoys me when he says that he doesn’t feel special to me “I mean I was not expecting to find a detailed history of your entire sexual history, and tbh after reading it I will never feel special to you sexually because you gave alot of men things very easily that I thought would need a bit trust and thought I had earned that with time vs some of those stories. But I also couldn’t look away haha. But I don’t know… it made miss our online friendship too… But I didn’t hate it or hate you. Weirdly it made me ree. Reiz. Realize how much I loved you. Ans how much you loved me. Not sure why you would think i woil. Would hate you, anything in there to do with me I already knew.” But he knows that what I wrote he was never supposed to read so he believes how much I love him… I don’t need to keep reassuring him.

So the name change:

The first affair – Noodle – I didn’t even know that I was in love with him… I didn’t believe that someone who’d already picked out their baby mumma & soon to be wife, could actually love me – then he chose her & I felt like a fool.

The second affair – Silverlining – I felt like I had a second chance to really show this guy that I loved him, put all my effort in, not live with my biggest regret that I never told him enough that I loved him using the ♥️ emoji because I was scared during affair one. But even with my effort, he pulled away (because he was getting married) but I didn’t know why & felt like a fool, again with every step I took.

The third affair – Marvel – I made it just about sex. He was my sex toy, he wasn’t getting any feelings, any stimulation other than with his cock. Obviously, there were sometimes where I let my guard down a little, or after sex I told him something I wouldn’t ever tell him via text. He kept the distance by logging off & not talking to me, we caught up, fucked & went about our lives for five years…

But now, the third affair 2.0 – Phoenix has become a level of honesty that I didn’t know could exist. Phoenix tells me that because he read the blog, that he really missed me & realised a lot of things. However the thing we fight about most, is my blog. I thought he would hate me, it turns out he doesn’t, he does hate things I’ve done with other men – which is what we fight about mostly, but you know what, whatever I did while we were together or apart, is nothing compared to what he did to me & the shit he told me about him & his wife. He had a partner the entre time so if I fucked someone else & didn’t tell him, so what…

Phoenix is a new beginning & a cheeky nod to his real name – take of that what you will. I was going to call this new chapter his actual real name, but I think Phoenix suits the situation more than any other name… Marvel was the ash I settled for… Phoenix, is the fire I never thought I’d feel…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #9

12 March 2025 – He tells me that my name is VaginaMeat on Snapchat which I tell him to change because if anyone ever finds that, that’s just awful… I also have had the weirdo down the road stop by, reversing when he saw me out the front & coming to knock on my door when I legged it inside to ask me out for coffee. I saved the camera footage that I picture being used on a crime show CCTV timeline of the day I was murdered. Marvel says “Please don’t get murdered. I don’t want to have to explain that to the cops. Stay away from the creepy guy on your street.” I initially think that he doesn’t want me to get murdered & think that’s sweet, but reading back on that now, I think he just doesn’t want to get caught, being there is video footage of the creep down the street & Marvel at my house on a regular basis. I have always been upfront, well recently at least that I download the video footage & save the chats & pictures… I have told him that I have saved a lot more – well I’ve saved everything in the fear of someone getting away with my murder.

He tells me about someone asking to do a podcast with him for his Facebook page, encourage him to do it. I think he would be good at it, if he has the right sidekick. I always wanted him to do a Podcast with me, I think our banter would translate & would be a fun listen, obviously we never could do it, but I think he should do whatever he can with his Facebook page while he can. I am jealous that he can do all that, I spend hours writing & get nowhere with it. Not that I do this for money but that would be nice…

I also send him a message that I don’t think conveys what I want to say or what I mean – remember he was the first one to put this out there anyway, “So while you’re offline & I’m at the gym, I’ll have my little rant… So I don’t expect that every time we see each other or every night we say “I love you”. Today I just wanted to say it, I wanted to say it first, I didn’t expect it back. I don’t ever want us to say it cos that’s just what you say when leaving the house or hanging up the phone… I want to say it cos I feel it. I didn’t mean to say it after sex either, but that’s just when it happened to come out…” because his reply of “So we should say it when we feel we want to say it? Obviously, the other night I felt the need to say it on Sunday night” He’s said something similar to me a while ago about only saying it when we feel it… So I just want to make sure he doesn’t think I am getting too attached – he says “Last time you put everything on the line and truly showed every ounce of love for me….you ended things and went bat shit crazy. I don’t want you to go bat shit crazy for me and end things again…. I also never planned to string you along Or manipulate you to be the other woman. Everything in our past was genuine. Still is…” Because he said I went bat shit crazy & ended it with him last time we showed our feelings too much, I use this to keep the boundaries… I am keeping those walls up & boundaries up, but it fucking slipped from my lips after we fucked today… He says “We both held stuff back, 🤷‍♂️ both idiots. Hopefully we can learn from our mistakes as we mature.” I have learned from my mistakes, I won’t get attached like I did last time, so when this ends, I know I will be ok when he pulls away. It’s only a matter of time… How much time, I don’t know but I can’t let myself get invested like the last two times. He says that last time I was psychotic – I wouldn’t say that, I literally drove to his gym, he wasn’t there so I ended it by video because he’d been pulling away saying “I’m busy” constantly. I don’t think that’s psychotic, I didn’t go to his work or in his work, her work & cause a scene, I saw the stupidity & I ended it… & four days later he got married, so if he thinks I am the psychotic one, then I am ok with that… Everyone reading this can see who the psychotic one really is, I don’t need to justify it anymore than that!

Towards the end of affair two I was also having issues with work, they were writing me scripts & banishing me to a room away from everyone to make calls, that all the stuff with Marvel escalated, so him saying he was busy all the fucking time just pissed  me off… Nothing is more insulting that someone saying they are too busy for you – to send a fucking text! Someone who loves you, is spinning you what seems real but is actually bullshit about how much they love you, to then turn around & pull away… Yeah I am the idiot there! & to now find out he almost fell for other women & would’ve fucked them, yeah I’m the idiot. He says “Well. I wasn’t showing I was caring. And you poured your fucking heart out. It makes me sad just thinking about it…” I tried & got clobbered with ‘I’m busy’ & one thing that he started saying when we said good night every night was ‘luv ya’ in his own admission, trying to push me away, it worked, I walked away. He says “It was probably the only point I didn’t question it.” Wow, he didn’t question my love? But I say “And it changed nothing so it didn’t matter…” I am hurt that he realised I did love him & it changed nothing… He says “It makes me sad thinking about it.” Yeah makes me sad thinking four days later he married her anyway, all the while thinking about me…

---

13 March 2025 – The next morning we’ve planned to talk on the phone so I don’t get a lengthy morning rant, which I miss… fuck! I love his morning rants, they explain a lot & tell me a lot. But he doesn’t give me one. I do ask though if he likes the little pet names as he mentioned something about the initials & the other pet names I gave him. He says that no one has ever called him babe or baby & he didn’t think he’d like it but he fucking loved it… Um so his wife has never called him babe or baby? Isn’t that a standard term of endearment?! But he says I made him feel special when I made up names for him…

When we talk on the phone for fuck knows how long, we talk about normal shit in normal voices but then when we talk a little sexy, both of our voices change… his voice gets quieter, deeper & slower – he says mine does the same too… It’s a much more sexier voice. We cum over the phone having phone sex, something we’ve not done before so it’s fucking sexy & hot to get a different interaction when we’re apart. I love that we still find these new ways to keep things interesting & different.

I do have a little joke with him as the band Falling In Reverse are in Adelaide tonight, I tell him that I am going to this new band & tell him he should check them out. He says that he wishes he was going but he’d have to take the whole family, it’s a school night & the tickets would be over $600 for all four of them. I am actually really disappointed that with the money they both make & the fact they have half the mortgage of me on my own, that they don’t just splurge on something like this. Experiences like that for me at the top of my priority list, so I’m surprised he is so tight with money but he tells me he is saving for their passports. I don’t ask why, I don’t think I want to know why.

He remembers something that I can’t – maybe I do a little but I don’t know if it’s because I want to think he & I were connected way back when. But he says that the person he was seeing when I worked at Foodland, who was one of my staff, wanted to introduce him to her boss, so he was introduced to me… I mean I don’t deny it happened, I have no clue but why would it take him 8 years to bring this up?  Maybe he has before, I don’t have as much conversation saved as he thinks I have, but I don’t know if this happened or not… I like to believe it did, another reason we should be together, the universe introduced up even though we were both with other people like 20 years ago. I don’t know why he goes on & on about their relationship & how much she fucked him etc, but he does. I think it’s a little bit to make me jealous of people he’s fucked but maybe a little bit of bragging to his best friend, not really thinking that he’s fucking his best friend too so she will get jealous.

I tell him about my dorky side, like things like picking up something in the car to use as a microphone when I am in the car with someone like my sister, he says “It’s kinda fucked really, I consider you my closest and best friend that I have had my entire life, and shared all sorts stuff with you , been brutally honest , known you for over 7 years , had a full scale affair with you, feel more at home with you than anyone I have ever known. Yet we never got to know other outside of sex in actual person apart intimate moments after sex. I still learn new things about you and you learn new things about me. To this very day” It is a bit sad I never got to do anything non sexual with him, would we have lasted as long? Who knows… He always thought I was so cool, which is so not true at all!

He tells me that he finally just called the hospital & doesn’t have an appointment until April. If he’s losing sight in one eye then I am appalled that it’s going to take so long. I finally get the courage to ask, I’m not sure he’s ever going to tell me & I’m not sure I ever wanted the answer, “Is that why you’re talking to me like this now, cos you’re scared your gonna die?  Or lose your sight so you want to remember what I look like riding you?” which I added a joke to lighen the mood of my question. He says “Is that why you think I’m suddenly being nice to you ?” Um, yeah dude, I do, why now, after five years of distance!! But he says that he’s not afraid to die, he’s afraid of surgery (he has a huge needle phobia). & then says “You really want to know why ? Well I’m not going to know I’m dead once I’m dead and we all die sometime. I mean I don’t want to die for my kids But my wife will move on, you will move on, life goes on.” Stop stalling & just fucking tell me!!! “Haha but I probally need to confess…” ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

#IBD4U

March 2025 #8

12 March 2025 – I’m so sorry if you’re bored but this is my journal, I can’t speed up my thoughts! I will try though, I promise! One of the things that helps me when I am wigging out on the fact that Marvel is putting in effort – maybe his plan is so I meet someone else & leave him alone… I mean but all he had to do was just stop coming back online & leave me alone if he really wanted that… But writing about it, as it happens, or reflecting back on it a few weeks or months later, helps me gain perspective & not just be reactive in the moment, like I usually am. Writing has always been an interest for me, so I do this for me not for any other reason… But stick with me… 🤣

I wake up to another morning Marvel rant – I wasn’t going to post all these, but fuck it’s so confusing that I can’t help but add them… “You know what I don’t get? Is why we still have the conversation of thinking we don’t think each other is special? Like After 8 years  We are still connected. Despite being mostly sexual. We were still friends. And even if it was shit friends. Even if neither of was even willing to put it each other first during the 90% sex phase for the last 5 years. We both made sure we were committed tto the friendship , you still sent messages to entice me to fuck you , I always replied, and somehow we still caught up once a month for sex, and some brief convo about our life’s or just sometimes just random shit. Sure you fucked people, sure I chatted to others when I could of chatted to you , hell I’ll even admit I sexted people 🤷‍♂️. I enjoyed the attention and my ego being feed. But at the end of the day , Im always back to you. Your the friend I wanted, you are the person I have always maintained regular Contact with, regardless if it was daily, weekly, fortnightly, or in person monthly. And I doubt you have had that contactt with anyone except me for this long. So we are fuckin retards. And the only reason it pisses me off is because I only want to be special to you, and visa versa. So like a fuckwit I get jealous, I get jealous of your past. I try and justify I’m not special. But I shouldn’t even look at your past history or even who you have fucked. And you shouldn’t hold it against me I didn’t give you my full attention when online and gave some of it to others. Or that I made friends with others , I can’t believe you got mad at me for meeting someone that got me sense of humour lol or was brutally honest with me, because I’m sure you have met people on the chat app that got that about you! But at the end of the day, after one year, one day , 5 years. One year of not talking, one month of not talking, one hour of fighting. We can talk to other like nothing has happened, like best friends with an insane amount of chemistry and never get bored or awkward unless we are angry. And that is what makes us special to each other. And that shit translates to real life, and translates even worse sexually 😐” FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Our friendship for better or for worse, is this, & returns to this the second we let our guards down, at this point, mine is still up a little more than his, but when we do allow ourselves to chat, to feel, to love, we are best friends & we are best friends first… When we met online 8 years ago we didn’t meet for months but he was the person I was sharing all my things with, yes mostly about sex, but at that time too (& most of my life TBH), I felt like the only way that I could have a conversation with men was to talk about sex. Marvel never believed that he had so many firsts with me, thinking that I was literally having kinky sex for my whole life, not realising that it was really only months before I met him that I started exploring that side of me, I just embellished when I met him because it kept him engaged & drew him in… I never would have done that, if I knew that it was also going to be his biggest insecurity about us.

He believes the non sexual firsts we have, but I don’t think he realises to the extent, being that I had Boyfriend, I don’t think he realises that in the almost 18 years I’ve been single, I tell him that “All my non sexual firsts you’ve already had with someone else… But i still treasure them…” Being the first man I loved & the first man to love me, means more to me that who I fucked & in what position. Marvel is the first man that I had a proper consistent friendship & the first man I’ve ever been able to call my best friend, I’ve have other chats with men online but they were never my best friend, despite what he thinks about people I’ve dated or chatted too, he always was & always will be my number one, even if we somehow loose contact… He surprises me by saying “If you think I have the same honest, totally open friendship with my wife, you know I don’t. I hold myself back to her. Especially my nerdy loser side. I show and tell you everything. You were my first proper best friend. And still are 🤷‍♂️” When he says things like that to me, I am always so perplexed why he even bought a house with this woman, long before kids & marriage, why would you… I mean even though I never felt the same about Boyfriend as I do about Marvel, at the time I was open with Boyfriend, we shared things & he knew my stupid things about me, he didn’t know me like Marvel knows me, but I didn’t marry Boyfriend & I certainly didn’t have kids with him while holding back shit from him!

I say “I don’t think you do with your wife, but I do know now you had it with other people, which I didn’t realise. I knew you were friends with people, but I didn’t think quite like we were friends…” & he doesn’t get it & thinks that I’ve had all these online relationships the same as he had with Cowboy’s mistress… I didn’t, but he is adamant that he’s sure I did… Rob Rob would log off for even longer than Marvel ever did & forget about me & J-Lo was always in his own head that I got advice from him about Marvel but there was nothing really there with us. There has never been any one else in comparison to Marvel. He tells me I should be jealous of his relationship with his wife not someone woman online… Well his relationship with his wife doesn’t make me jealous because I know they sit in separate rooms, they don’t really connect or talk & he’s just even admitted he holds back with her – our relationships don’t even compare to be jealous of. But the things I am jealous of, is her getting to live with him, sleep next to him, him cooking & cleaning for her, when she doesn’t even appreciate it, she takes it for granted & teases him for his hobbies & interests, like she’s got so many fascinating interests or something… I’m not jealous of their connection because I don’t believe they have one, besides their kids. But him rubbing it in my face that he had one with Cowboys mistress, makes me jealous.

Today he is meeting me, he thinks it’s not going to be a sex date & says he can resist me, so I send him a picture of me in lingerie before I go to work, which he says isn’t playing fair but he wanted to play the game… I do want sex less dates, I haven’t had many of them with him before, or anyone really that I was interested in but I also want sex because who knows when the next time is that I will see him.

We meet outside near his car & we decide on Red Rooster – yes there are still a couple left in SA, as we walk into the store, we hold hands & fuck me & my walls for coming down but holding his hand, in broad daylight near my work, it feels right… So natural. So easy. It’s been years since I held hands with someone & holding his hand, is just – this sounds dumb, but where it’s meant to be… This is what is special to me, not the hot sex we have, not the conversations – they do mean something to me of course but holding hands & not feeling forced or awkward just feels like home… You can vomit now… Hahaha. We order & sit at a window bench seat. We are sitting there eating & looking at some woman just standing by his car, which he is obsessed with, so I touch his leg every so often or look at him to give him the fuck me eyes. I can’t believe that this is our second lunch date at my work & I feel so at ease with him, like he is my actual boyfriend, like we do this all the time… Um, fuck.

As we sit there chatting, he puts his hand on my leg & slides up my dress, brushing my panties ever so slightly & he snatches his hand away & says “Fuck, I touched it” I bust out laughing… Just like in Finding Nemo, I say ‘I touched the butt.’ I reach over & touch his dick & he says without looking at me “Don’t touch it” & again I laugh telling him that he wanted to play this game! We walk to my car & somehow get in the back, he has his pants off quickly & I am sucking his dick when I look up & remind him that he was going to resist me. People seem to be walking around really close to the car that I tell him we need to move… Fuck now I am being like him every time he’s made me move my car when I met him at his work or gym back in the day! We drive around the streets & as it’s getting closer & closer to the end of my break, I just park in a side street & get in the back with him. When I hear a crack. FUCK! I look down & see his phone on the floor, fuck I have just crushed his phone!!!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK… I pick it up & give it to him, while straddling him, he doesn’t seem to care & is pulling me down on him, but we realise that it’s just the cover of the phone! Thank god… He’d probably have some dumb excuse to explain how he broke it that would make no sense!!

As we fuck, we are both so turned on, so I cum riding him, then he picks me up & pounds me as I am laying on the back seat. I ask him to fuck me hard & I can feel us both building really quickly, as I start to cum, he cums, finishing really hard deep inside me… Um – how the fuck did we cum together?! Fucking hard, connected & turned on, it’s the closest thing I have to making love & the only man who I’ve ever done that with!!! How is it even possible? I mean after all this time… How can we be so in tune… Is it because in reverse dog years we’ve really only had like half the time together that we would have if we were a real couple?

I get back to work all just fucked & leaking cum, that I even show him a picture of my work chair that has a wet patch on it. I never realised how much of a selfless lover he is until he said “I thought it was hot when we finally did it, you told me to fuck you hard and make you cum quick 😐. I do things to stop myself Cummings, either slowing down…changing positions , Getting you to ride me. It was kinda nice not to stress if I came in under 3 minutes and just fuck you hard …..and not worry. I was scared you were not going to cum because I could feel you close as I started to lose control.” He always makes sure I cum first, I know this & usually multiple times, I love that about our sex, but I never really realised it was something he worried about…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #7

11 March 2025 – Incoming morning Marvel rant!

“I could not fall asleep last night, I was up to at least 11.45. But I was thinking, you have never apologised before haha. When you have had weird dickhead moments. Interesting to know you have done it. You usually just distract me with sex when you are back to being nice to me 😛 It’s actually insane to think we have talked to each other for over 7 years… You looked so much younger 7 years ago ! But so did I probably 🤷‍♂️ I mean there has been breaks , there has been moments of sex text only…. but there has always been that bond and friendship that accidentally comes out every time I fucked you, in which we both let our guard down, either showing each other a little affection, or sharing little life updates, sometimes good or bad, I do wish I could of spent more time with you during the bad times when I could see you were struggling and down, especially during the times you struggled with your favourite job, or when your dad first had heart problems, even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling….and I should of been a better friend….. I regret putting that guard back up now as soon as the time limit after sex was done, and you put the guard back up… because during those brief moments clearly you were crying out for My friendship while your guard was down because you had just cum multiple times. Because clearly there was a friendship and love for me, and clearly you were trying to reach out for me for help, and in a way you did get it very briefly after sex and our guards were down…. kinda sneaky on your behalf… Fuck Marvel so I can enjoy his friendship and love for a brief moment hen he let’s his guard down and I let mine down 😛 But I should of been better, I should of reached out to you and checked in with you. I should of told you I still cared. I should of told you I still loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t 😕”

Ok, who are you & what the fuck have you done with Marvel?! I copy & paste his whole message because I want you to see how his mind works – I have no idea why he mentioned how we looked younger because we didn’t share photos or talk about looks really… But also I feel like he’s getting closer to cracking & telling me what’s going on!

I reply that I wish I would have told him what I felt, but I knew he would shut it down, he has a problem with empathy, he tells me that all the time, so there is no way that he was going to just say ‘oh #IBD4U, I feel the same way!’ so I could never say anything, he says he wouldn’t but I know that he would have pulled away & told me not to get too close. I say “The ball is always in your court. Even now, any day now you could just go back to messaging sporadically. And even if I messaged 45 time a a day, you wouldn’t read them for weeks. I never wanted to feel like a fool so I didn’t bother & while I could see love there, I didn’t know how much or even if you’d ever admit it again after everything we went through.”

One thing that strikes me is that he admits he’s known me for 7 years, almost 8. He tells me “Hahaha if I couldn’t connect it to my daughter it’s like 4 years in my head. I also can’t pretend it hasn’t been that long we have known each other… And I know you didn’t message me in fear of me not reading it for a week so you would only message me stuff that would not make you feel like an idiot. Which is sex. Which I oddly think is the one thing that never makes you feel like an idiot around men.” I tell him, “I was never going to say anything of significance in text with you jist for feeling like an idiot & you not replying or saying you can’t support me like you used too… Every chick (who’s into men!) wants a man to support her during shit times… You were my person & I wanted to tell you shit.” Didn’t he tell me when I first got fired during the second affair that he couldn’t support me like he had. Yes, yes he did!

He legitematly seems sorry – maybe for the first time ever “I’m sorry 😐. I’m legit have a shit sense of time … I don’t do it for any other reason. Time flies as you get older… But yeah. Even if I’m being dick. Even if I can’t get back to you straight away. You can reach out to me… I would of never completely shut you down … I’m way better at building walls than I realised 😐” but what he doesn’t realise is that, he may not have shut me down, he says later that he wouldn’t have ignored a plea for help, but reality is, that he wouldn’t log on for days, or weeks… It wasn’t about what he was going to say per se, it was about the distance he put between us by not logging on to see if I had messaged & how I would feel with a message perhaps saying ‘my dad had a heart attack’ sitting at unread for a week by the person I am in love with… How is that supportive or good for my mental health?! Why would he even think that I would write that to him. I mean fuck, but in affair one, if he knew I was going out to dinner he wouldn’t message me because he didn’t want to feel like a dick & I would fucking write back to every message within an hour at the most, he didn’t want to feel like a dick for one hour, imagine feeling like a dick for a week, while dealing with your recovering dad… We won’t agree on this because I don’t think he would have given me what I needed or even 10% of what I needed, even if I did tell him about the shit in my life.

He sends me a snap of a diary – it’s the second of April & it has two names on it, some chick & his, with N/A next to it. Awwww fuck he’s so cute. He’s booked the day off when I am off with my gum surgery. I say that I have never seen his handwriting, but he hates his writing & says it looks like an 8 year olds, that he prefers typing. Something that has always made me admire Marvel is his grammar & spelling (even though there are lots of spelling mistakes in the copy & pasted messages – they are usually autocorrect or snapchat not having predicative text & us typing too fast). He tells me that he’s a good typist & his son put typing as a goal for the year as it was something he admired about his dad… I almost want to say something bitchy because I bet his wife made fun of Marvel & probably thier son, for him wanting to touch type like his dad… I think it’s super fucking sweet that his kids look up to him!

My Spotify has been playing songs lately that I haven’t paid attention too, but even though I still don’t know what the fuck Marvel is doing right now with me, how long it’ll last with the sexless dates & all day messaging & I’m afraid to ask because I don’t know if I want to know the answer, but a song comes on my playlist Lifetime by Three Days Grace, I’ll post as always for you to listen too. I think it’s relevant to when I thought we had really lost each other the second time. I send to him & he says that Three Days Grace are a fav band & it comes up on his spotify but he’s not really listened to it before.

Three Days Grace  – Lifetime

Called to say hello
Your voice always takes the pain away
The thought is unimaginable
That I saw you for the last time and didn’t know

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Now, I’m walkin’ ’round in a haze
There’s no color, only darker shades of gray
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me
Feels like a bullet running through me
Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Neil Sanderson / Ted Bruner / Barry Stock / Matthew Walst / Bradley Walst

Lifetime lyrics © Ted Bruner Songs, Mean Music Publishing Inc, Purple Planes Publishing, Riot Express Publishing, Baby Cats Music Inc

He says he’s going to come see me this week, but has to call the hospital about his eye, but he’s been asked to work in the morning now, so can’t call. I say that he doesn’t have to come see me if he has to call the hospital, I’ll delete the fake meeting out of my diary but he says “You don’t need to delete me. I said I would come see you, I did have a day off and still have Thursday off, only working the morning.” Maybe I need to start believing that his guy does want to see me & does want to see me for sexless dates… I am just waiting for the day he stops… It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird phase, so it’s going to come to an end soon, right? I need to be prepared for the day that happens… His life will go on like I never existed, but if I let my guard down here, even a little, I will be shattered when he goes back to not logging on for weeks on end…

Cute things he notices is that we are now Super BFF’s on snapchat – I did notice, it means you have been each other’s number one best friend, the one you talk to the most on snapchat for over 2 weeks. As much as Snapchat is the only social media I use since losing my Facebook, I don’t really use it for chatting, I use more for just cataloguing my life in pictures. So the fact he realises this but then asks me a question & says that I can’t get mad, which makes me laugh. He asks when my birthday is. I know he is shit with dates, so I am not annoyed, but it’s on my snapchat profile which he then gets pissed at himself for not realising. But he says that he just wants to remember when it is… Being that it’s about 5 months away, I think to myself that he won’t need a reminder, he probably won’t even be talking to me like this then, we’ll be back to monthly fucking & barely talking… I do tell him it’s a Friday though this year, so he won’t be able to see me, it surprises him that I know his patterns… I mean it’s not hard to figure out, every Friday he only talks to me in the morning & later at night or if he is at work… So not hard to pick up his pattern, same with the weekend she has off… I even say “If you’re still talking to me like this, I’ll remind you so you fuck me on the Thurs or sat…!! 😋” which he says “You make an assumption I won’t b” Its not an assumption, I’m almost certain of it… If this lasts longer than a month, I will be very surprised, he is notorious for putting in effort then losing interest… It’s only a matter of time.

I tell him I didn’t make eye contact with him much over the last 5 years, but why I made eye contact with him on Sunday was because I didn’t want him to see the love in my eyes & him pull away, he asks if I really think he’d do that & yes, I 100% do think that.. I say “You didn’t want to be close to me in case I met someone & I didn’t want to be close to you so you didn’t pull away or when your wife finds out, I am not the fool again.. So we’ve not been the smartest. Considering we know each other so well in other ways…” He tells me that big fear for him, “I was 100% sure if my wife left me or shit hit the fan. You would be in a relationship” but then he says “If you love something you set it free” & I say that’s a load of crap but he says he believes it… Well he’s never set me free? He keeps me dangling like a carrot waiting for a scrap of his time, so that when his wife does leave him, he can jump straight over to me, because what he doesn’t actually say is that his biggest fear is being alone.

He startles me by asking “Do you think we should of restarted this ? Our best friend online friendship? Sooner? From the start?” Um, do I think things would be this honest – let me tell you, we were always honest but this is different, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very different to the last almost 8 years. I never want to admit this but I say “Hmmm, sooner yes but not from the start… I’ll only ever say this once to you…. You were right to keep distance. Maybe not for 5 years but it was the right thing to do.” He asks why, which I knew he would, I say “I feel like I’m – what’s the word, maybe more mature (not old – don’t say it jerk!) that I’m able to see this clearer perhaps… I wouldn’t have been able to 5 years ago…” He asks how long I planned on doing this charade & I say forever as I’m not meeting anyone worth dating, he says that I’ll meet someone now that he’s making an effort… He may as well just have actual stabbed with a knife, just then, it would’ve hurt less… Hmmm we will see, I guess…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #6

10 March 2025 – It’s Monday of the March long weekend, he tells me that he won’t be around much today for obvious reasons, but chats to me way more than I expect him too, especially him talking about why we haven’t talked a lot in the past 5 years – just so you know this is a seemingly dialogue heavy post! He says “Because this would happen. We both knew this would happen. Neither of us are fucking stupid. We became online best friends… And that is a train wreck just waiting to happen That means feeling develop…a strong connection will develop” Well he’s right about that. But I honestly, just assumed he didn’t give a shit & was just sex to him, so that’s why he didn’t message… I never dreamed he was holding back so much, I just assumed he went about his days & weeks after fucking me without a thought of me… I wish I asked him at the time why he is doing this if he thinks it’s a train wreck, but I didn’t even think of it… He says “I thought about you all the time , I mean not messaging you all the time helped push me you to the back of my mind.” I dare him to put his phone down then, & his reply makes me smile like a wanker “No. I missed this so much”. FUCK! Then he says“I’ve told you every fuckin time we stopped I missed it.” DOUBLE FUCK. However, he’s always the one who puts the barriers up that made me walk the second time, its never been me!

As we’re talking about the fact we always fucked monthly, he says he didn’t notice, but contradicts himself by saying that if it got to the end of the month & we hadn’t fucked, I became more tempting & worked harder to get him to fuck me. Which is true, I won’t deny that! Our relationship was based on sex “It did technically come down to sex….I mean I loved you , will always love you, and will never forget about you. And haven’t been madly in love with you for the last few years. But I knew if I chatted to you… So I held back. So tbh if you didn’t fuck me.. I would of messaged you every 6 months… And eventually stopped  It would of slowed down… So your monthly sex achieved your goal  It kept me engaged with you on a fortnightly basis as a minimum. I never planned on cutting you off completely … But I did plan on weening myself off you. Where it would just get to the point where I would just check in on you every 3 months or 6 months.” Would he really still check in every 3-6 months? He didn’t the first time, cut me off without a trace, second time he said he’ll chat when he can & I never heard from him again until I saw he was online again & I reached out… So would he really contact me again? I highly doubt it? That part has always been on me!

This little rant comes out of the blue, while I am at the gym, it’s not in relation to anything we’ve talked about this morning so it makes me smile knowing this is something he was thinking about “So I’m going to give you a morning rant while you at the gym and can’t reply . Cos I’m a dick like that. And I won’t be around much today. But the reason I struggle to believe you about my body image, or myself. Is because I know you love me…. I know you see past my flaws…I know I’m not perfect, despite my big ego I don’t see myself as a 10/10, I’m like a 7 in my head, above average…but know I’m not ugly… But have major body image issues , especially the size of my dick, the size of my gut (which my head probably magnifies by x10) and my tiny unbuff arms. I know I’ve got other things going for me, I’m 6″1 with broad shoulders and a full head of hair in my 40s 🤷‍♂️. And I know I go on a bit of an ego trip sometimes… But I also know you are going to look past my flaws. And I’m going to be attractive to you know matter what. And that’s when the little voice inside my head puts myself down, I know you mean what you say. But I just think you won’t past my flaws…so then I subconsly high light my flaws to you and to myself …and always ….always think you deserve better than me, someone that doesn’t have my flaws… I know I don’t have a small cock…., but I don’t have a big one… I know I don’t have big arms, or a 6pack , and I even know that’s not even important to women , women will fuck anything they have a connection with. But in my head I think you deserve all of that. So I put myself down in my head. Then stupidly to you. I guess I do it to try and justify my decisions of the past too. So yeah. I’m an idiot. Because when someone like cowboys mistess told me I’m attractive…I believed her, and trust me, she told me alot …. But I believed her knowing she’s not in love with me vs you, the actual person I was fucking, and in love with. Well now you know why? I see past your flaws for the same reason 🤷‍♂️” WOW! Again, finally. I’ve been saying this for years about his looks & dick, I love him, am going out of my way risking a lot to cheat with him, he thinks I can have anyone I want yet he believes a women he’s never met & his wife, who, by his own admission never complimented him until she found out about me – assuming that lasted about 5 minutes, but he never believed me, the one person who never lied to him about how he looked to me or how me made me feel.

But unfortunately, Marvel being Marvel, starts going on about Cowboy’s mistress & I’m reminded to keep a wall up “Well cowboys mistress became a good friend , and if she lived closer…I’m not going to deny it, I would of fucked her in a heart beat , especially at any time we were not exclusive. And she was 100% jealous we fucked , she definitely said things in public to piss you off on purpose hahaha” Right then… Why did she even know he was fucking me?? He lost his shit at me for people knowing about him… Why is she trying to piss me off? I don’t even know her!! & the big question we all know the answer too, why didn’t he ask her to stop to protect me rather than just making me feel like a fool watching them flirt live in a public chat, while he’s not even messaging me privately??

“Oh I’m so good at making you feel special hey! 😛 But I would of , she was attractive, gott my sense of humour and always made me feel attractive, and we were both brutally honest with each other” I write back “Wow, you also said I’m the only one who got you & your sense on humour… Now she was also the perfect woman to cheat with… I was just the most geographically convenient one…” I then have to put down my phone for a bit, he doesn’t realise how much his words sting & fuck me off… I know I fucked other men when I was with him, but he’s had a partner that he married the whole time he’s been with me, he told me multiple times he wasn’t looking to cheat, loves his wife & now he’s admitting if this woman lived closer, he would’ve fucked her while fucking me & his wife. Get fucked asshole… Anyone else getting Max vibes, two women are not enough!!! I realise that eveything Marvel said during affair two was just fucking bullshit. I am shattered. My phone buzzes consistently for a while & it takes all of my energy not to pick it up & read them instantly.

“Haha na you get me or soooo many more levels… There have been others geographical convenient for me… I never fucked them 🤷‍♂️ Your not the only person who has lived closed and put the offer out there 🤷‍♂️ You were single and you did fuck people , I don’t hold it against you  You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck me #IBD4U. I fell in love with you. I never fell in love with one anyone else. I would think about you all day. You were in My fuckin thoughts no matter what. So do what you want. Pick apart what I tell you while I’m being honest with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. Try and make yourself feel less special , be a retard and do what I do. What fuck head drives 40 minutes to see a woman for lunch ? This dumbass… But keep picking my story apart. Whatever. Not even reading my messages now haha.” Theres the Marvel I know, the one who has to get angrier than me when I am angry – if fact I’m not even angry, I am hurt, so fucking hurt & need a moment! I’m not picking apart his story, it’s fucking facts. When he was becoming such good friends with her, I was spilling my guts out to him about how much I loved him, thinking that if I’d have told him more during affair one that things would have been different in affair two, but in fact all the while he was forming friendships with other people, that he prefered to come back online at night for, would have fucked them if they lived closer & no doubt, would have ended up falling in love with them too… So how am I special?!

Fuck sake, I give up on this conversation because there no winning with Marvel, he is right & I am wrong. As always… I fucked men while with him so I’m that means he can rub it in my face that he wanted to fuck others (contradictory to what he’s told me before). I never fucking rubbed my sex life on purpose in his face, except for the posts on fetlife, which I was even sure he’d see.

Anyway, it’s the middle of the afternoon, he is playing a game with his daughter, who he sends a snap of to me, something similar to the game guess who but looks different… So he’s at home, she’s at home – during the day on a public holiday, he’s playing with his kid & can message me – just remember that! However, I fucking love that he is sharing more about his kids & showing me what a fucking cute dad he is. He’s holding some toy she just gave him to hold as his game buddy. It’s so fucking cute & makes me fall a little more in love with him – but the previous conversation made me fall a little bit out of love with him, so it’s now evened out. Hahaha

I tell him that at the end of March – I’m not sure why I offer it up so far in advance being it’s the start of March still, it’s still like 2 weeks away that I am having gum surgery & having 3 days off work that I’ll be free for 2 of them recovering. He says his roster isn’t done but he’ll see if he can see me for a few hours. He says that he’ll put it in the roster book to have the day off, which surprises me… I mean I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here! It’s been exactly 2 weeks of this daily chatting, all day – everyday… Even on days when he says he can’t chat much & is home with the whole family…. Let’s actually see if he even sees me for a couple of hours or not…

One thing that has always been weird is the fact I’ve kept everything, every screenshot I took – which isn’t every thing from the beginning, but there is a lot of pictures, screenshots & info about the dates & times we fucked. Mainly because Marvel always told me his wife would kill me so I was prepared, but then my blog became more of a journal that when we started up the third time, I saved every single thing, for my blog, however I barely wrote about 2024. He talks about having deleted everything, FetLife when he got pissed at me, but I only posted on there cos he was telling me daily about his kinky wild sex with his partner after she found out about me. He’d deleted the emails from the random yahoo account. It makes me super sad he has nothing, when we reconnected for the second affair, he mentioned that he’d recently read the emails we sent at the end of affair one, before we started chatting again, which made me realise that he wasn’t done with me. But he says “So I’ve got nothing. From our past. Makes me a little sad.” He says it’s nice that I still have the stuff – albeit it does scare him but he says also that I’ve never done anything with it so he trusts me.

I remind him that I gave him a Samsung watch that I clearly could’ve sold that came free with a phone but I just gave it to him. I tell him it was a obvious I love you gesture, which he agrees “Why was I such a dick to you for so long.” Yeah who the fuck knows Marvel… Who knows!! I say he didn’t deserve it, that I never got a gift from him & he says “You probally deserve something tbh” Oh yeah right, as if this guy will ever buy a fucking gift for me… & it’s not like I went out specifically to get it for him, something thoughtful & meaningful, no, I just gave him something that was surplus to my needs, however I probably should have sold it.

So after telling me at 7:00am that he wouldn’t be around much today, I was able to copy & paste 27 A4 pages of messages from him, which weren’t just messages before 10:00am & after 9:00pm when she would be asleep, there were messages all throughout the day… How is he messaging me without getting caught? Before he goes for the night, he says that he’s going to come visit me at work on Wednesday for lunch again… Errr ok… I want him too of course, but this job is so difficult, not because of my boss but because of the team, they seem to track each other more than anything, making sure no one takes a minute more than they are allowed… I will figure something out in my diary or work an extra 30 mins to make up the time I am with him.

This is also about the time I start using his initials as my good night, I say sorry for being a dick today (not sure why, looking back he fucking deserved eveything I gave him & more!) & I say ‘Night ABC xxx’ & he says ‘errr night IBD4U,’ using my real initials too. A little term of endearment, that’s not too lovely dovey but not just his name, something no one else calls him, something special for him, without being obvious. I mean I still don’t know what is going on here, so I need to keep my heart to myself a little, he could go back to chatting once a fortnight like he was before at the drop of a hat, I may never know what the fuck is going on here & it could change just as quickly as it did to begin with…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #5

So with his weirdness still going on, sexless dates & all day chatting from 4:20am when he gets up to about 4:00pm or 5:00pm, then again around 8:30pm – 9:00pm till almost 11:00pm some nights, I am weirded out still as to what is happening, we’ve done a few phone calls, he’s met me for a sexless date – not me going to him all the time & says he wants more of it. What is he doing, because if he can’t keep this up, it’s going to destroy me. I am trying to keep it at an arm’s length but it is fucking intoxicating & I am drawn in without even realising how much of myself I am giving him.

We are chatting, he gives me a morning rant that is like 20-25 messages in a row of all sorts of shit, so our conversations go everywhere & if I wrote about everything we talk about, I would never get this story out… But because of his early morning rants that I love waking up too, I open up & say “I don’t know if I ever told you but my biggest fear in life was that I would die never being loved… Cos the ex boyfriend never said it no other guy but you has said it to me… So I guess I was mid 30s & never been loved & didn’t know how to love either… I mean I still don’t think I do it well at all… So yeah I struggle with that emotion or any emotion other than anger.” & his simple reply makes me swoon “You are loved.” I say aww, not knowing what to say & he continues “I know you have always doubted it. And I know I confuse you sometimes. But you were always and still are loved by me. And no one would believe me , and I’m sure anyone that knows you would tell you it’s a load of shit, and I’m just a cheating fuckhead. But I’m 100% sure it’s the reason you have kept me in your life. Because you know I do love you.” Is that true? But I do feel loved…

Because we talk a lot now, more than ever before, more than even affair one, I reckon, that it’s hard to pick out things that I want to write about – stuff that deserves air time, stuff that’s meaningful not just sex talk, I know it’s boring for those still reading but this is my journal that I am posting online so it’s probably going to drag out – looking at what I am writing about, we’re only up to the 6 & 7 of March 2025 at the current time – Fuck & we’re on post number 5 for March… Believe me I am culling information as much as I can!! Hahaha… For example, I was copying at the time & pasting our chats (like a weirdo!) into a word document, 30 pages for 6 March. THIRTY! Plus, there is a phone call or two now & sometimes a face-to-face visit also. Needless to the say there is a lot of information to get down, especially since I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with him & why he’s being weird!

But we’ve recently talked about the other chat app days & how I was pissed off at the end of affair number two when Marvel came back online & didn’t even say hello to me but was chatting in groups, he did it a couple of times, his morning rant includes him finally understanding my side of it “I kinda get the jealously thing, you had unlimited access to groups, I had limited access , if I was online with my limited time , you wanted all my limited time, which obviously I didn’t always do. But I justified it in my head because I messaged you every day, messaged you literally all day, met you multiple times a week, and you were my number one pm. And as much as I loved you, as much as you were my number one, as much as messaged you all day. I like my ego being stroked just as much as my cock. And having a bunch of girls flirting with me, trying to get my attention, even try and mark me as their territory (oh and I know they did, especially the chick that was fuckin cowboy haha!)” I get it cos I loved the guys flirting with me, but I was always sitting there waiting for him, even if I did chat with other guys – which at that time was no one. I think even though I hate bringing up the past, it’s good & more honest than ever before with Marvel that I like chatting about this stuff & getting clarity without blame or regret.

He’s planned to spend the day with me, well it’s not the whole day is it? He will come after 7:00am & will leave around lunchtime but I am excited for the allocated time because he said after the night I had with Origin & he came over the next day & I slept, that he almost blocked me. Whatever dude , you fuck your wife! & I didn’t even fuck Origin that night… Anyway, I’m supposed to pick him up so he can leave his car at work but he messages me & says that he doesn’t need a lift. I am sleepy & don’t understand it, feeling like he’s bailing but he says that he’s just going to drive to mine & wouldn’t cancel like that. Last night he stopped replying around dinner & never came back online so I assumed he was going to bail, he’s not bailed a lot but usually disappears when he needs to bail so he can avoid the conversation rather than being an adult to tell me why he can’t meet. Usually I’ll get a “can’t do today” or something equally as cold, no explanation & no sorry, then he disappears for days, maybe weeks on end, so yes Marvel, you would cancel like that!

I had thought about this drive back to my house from his work a lot though, what little fantasy I could think up. I could pretend to be a student needing driving lessons, but when he says that he can drive himself, I am ok with the fact I don’t have to drive to get him but am also a little disappointed that we won’t have a little fantasy & some sexual tension build up – a little fantasy he didn’t know about & I didn’t know would be hot…Or I was going to make him drive & jerk him off… But anyway, I have my sisters dogs at my house as well as mine so I get up to sort them out, feeding them & getting them all settled again.

When he comes over after we fuck, we lay there cuddling, we fuck again. Half way through the morning, I get up to make us breakfast. I have pre-made crumpet protein bowls & so I heat them up & take them into the bedroom for a bedroom picnic. I am not sold on them but he seems to like it & later he tells me how much he loved me making him breakfast. We both get really hungry when we fuck so I thought we should have something to eat. I did also get bacon & eggs but didn’t want to spend the time I had with him in the kitchen cooking. So I opted for the pre-made protein bowls & just heated them up. I think because he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot, that he loved that I put in that effort. In a stupid thing I do too, I bought him Pepsi Max because he prefers that over Coke no sugar – which is what I drink… I do these things, then feel like a dick cos I want him to have the Pepsi Max but I don’t want him to know that I got it – if that makes sense?!

He does something relatively new today, he spends a lot of time just lightly rubbing my clit, over & over – not in a fuck what is he doing way, but in a what the fuck is he doing, I am going to cum type of way… He does this multiple times throughout our session & I fucking love it, I can’t get enough of it. Later he tells me that he couldn’t get enough of my body reacting, my face & my moans that it made him want to do it more & more… It was so good that I am literally begging him, fucking his hand to make him do it basically as he’s walking out the door! Before he leaves though, I ask him to fuck me hard, which he does & we cum together, something that he still thinks is just fiction & can’t happen in real life. I mean I never knew it could happen, it’s only ever happened with him & only three times that I can recall.

He tells me that he loves what I put on as he was leaving, which was just a t shirt dress, it does hug me in the all the right spots & when I tell him that I am more comfortable around him naked, he says that he wanted to touch me more when I was wearing clothes. I have put on weight so I don’t feel as good about myself but he says that I look like I’ve lost weight. We talk about what would happen if I was with someone & we met up in the future & I tell him it would be just like Carrie & Mr Big when they’re cheating… He says that he would put in a fuck ton of effort to make sure I fucked him, even if I was with someone else… Would he really?! I mean in the past he’s told me that he wants me to be happy & that’s why he backs off, so I don’t know if he would really try at all to fuck me if he had lunch with me & I was with someone.

There is one thing that has always been in his mind about me & sex. That I need kink & that he isn’t kinky enough for me. He says that we had no kink at all today – not even a spank & I reacted in a way he hasn’t felt before & I was wet just from his light touches, that I say it’s in his head about the kink, not mine. He replies “Guess it was one thing I was wrong about you 🤷‍♂️” Errr ya think!! I tell him that I enjoy it & I explored kink but I didn’t need it. I tell him that trust & connection, two things we have is what I want, “Someone who knows my body & how to use it. Someone who gets me mentally when I am being overly sensitive about some dick thing they said…” He says that the way I reacted proves any doubt he had. FINALLY!!!

We talk about fisting & rimming, two things I want to try with him, I’m always so conscious of him near my ass but I want to ty doing it to him, I know his wife has done it to him & he didn’t reciprocate to her – he would have fucking rubbed it in my face if he did, just as he rubbed it in my face that she did it to him – once – & he loved it, so that’s how I know he hasn’t done it to her, but I want to explore that with him, I’ve never done it to anyone & I reckon after a bath or shower together, it could be incredibly sexy. But he says that he has some physical condition that makes him scared to do it, I probe him on what & he says that cos he’s had a physical job & he’s in his 40’s but kept dancing around the subject, I honestly have no clue what it could be so when he says haemorrhoids, I’m like fuck I’ve had them before hahaha, usually when on some high protein diet that backs you up! Hahaha…

But all in all, he get s a few things today, he gets that I don’t need kink – I enjoy it but do not need it, finally getting that though his thick head & also that I made him feel special by cooking breakfast & having Pepsi Max for him, he thinks it’s really cute & he says I didn’t need to do it, but it’s my love language, the acts of service but then I feel self conscious about it but he says I don’t need to because he fucking loves it. As he signs off that night, having had a nap & coming back online to talk to me late into the night, he says “I’m trying my hardest here to not say I love you. Especially all the Cute nice things you did for me today.” I tell him I am holding back too, he says “So let’s not make this a habit? But I love you and goodnight x” I say it back because I do love him, I don’t want it to be a ‘habit’ or something you just say as you hang up the phone, but I do want to say it everyday, it was my biggest regret of affair one – but he seemingly doesn’t feel the same way… I guess (or overanalyse maybe) that it’s a habit with his wife & he doesn’t want it to be that way with me.

#IBD4U