Month: Dec 2025

12 March 2025 #8

I’m so sorry if you’re bored but this is my journal, I can’t speed up my thoughts! I will try though, I promise! One of the things that helps me when I am wigging out on the fact that Marvel is putting in effort – maybe his plan is so I meet someone else & leave him alone… I mean but all he had to do was just stop coming back online & leave me alone if he really wanted that… But writing about it, as it happens, or reflecting back on it a few weeks or months later, helps me gain perspective & not just be reactive in the moment, like I usually am. Writing has always been an interest for me, so I do this for me not for any other reason… But stick with me… 🤣

I wake up to another morning Marvel rant – I wasn’t going to post all these, but fuck it’s so confusing that I can’t help but add them… “You know what I don’t get? Is why we still have the conversation of thinking we don’t think each other is special? Like After 8 years  We are still connected. Despite being mostly sexual. We were still friends. And even if it was shit friends. Even if neither of was even willing to put it each other first during the 90% sex phase for the last 5 years. We both made sure we were committed tto the friendship , you still sent messages to entice me to fuck you , I always replied, and somehow we still caught up once a month for sex, and some brief convo about our life’s or just sometimes just random shit. Sure you fucked people, sure I chatted to others when I could of chatted to you , hell I’ll even admit I sexted people 🤷‍♂️. I enjoyed the attention and my ego being feed. But at the end of the day , Im always back to you. Your the friend I wanted, you are the person I have always maintained regular Contact with, regardless if it was daily, weekly, fortnightly, or in person monthly. And I doubt you have had that contactt with anyone except me for this long. So we are fuckin retards. And the only reason it pisses me off is because I only want to be special to you, and visa versa. So like a fuckwit I get jealous, I get jealous of your past. I try and justify I’m not special. But I shouldn’t even look at your past history or even who you have fucked. And you shouldn’t hold it against me I didn’t give you my full attention when online and gave some of it to others. Or that I made friends with others , I can’t believe you got mad at me for meeting someone that got me sense of humour lol or was brutally honest with me, because I’m sure you have met people on the chat app that got that about you! But at the end of the day, after one year, one day , 5 years. One year of not talking, one month of not talking, one hour of fighting. We can talk to other like nothing has happened, like best friends with an insane amount of chemistry and never get bored or awkward unless we are angry. And that is what makes us special to each other. And that shit translates to real life, and translates even worse sexually 😐” FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

Our friendship for better or for worse, is this, & returns to this the second we let our guards down, at this point, mine is still up a little more than his, but when we do allow ourselves to chat, to feel, to love, we are best friends & we are best friends first… When we met online 8 years ago we didn’t meet for months but he was the person I was sharing all my things with, yes mostly about sex, but at that time too (& most of my life TBH), I felt like the only way that I could have a conversation with men was to talk about sex. Marvel never believed that he had so many firsts with me, thinking that I was literally having kinky sex for my whole life, not realising that it was really only months before I met him that I started exploring that side of me, I just embellished when I met him because it kept him engaged & drew him in… I never would have done that, if I knew that it was also going to be his biggest insecurity about us.

He believes the non sexual firsts we have, but I don’t think he realises to the extent, being that I had Boyfriend, I don’t think he realises that in the almost 18 years I’ve been single, I tell him that “All my non sexual firsts you’ve already had with someone else… But i still treasure them…” Being the first man I loved & the first man to love me, means more to me that who I fucked & in what position. Marvel is the first man that I had a proper consistent friendship & the first man I’ve ever been able to call my best friend, I’ve have other chats with men online but they were never my best friend, despite what he thinks about people I’ve dated or chatted too, he always was & always will be my number one, even if we somehow loose contact… He surprises me by saying “If you think I have the same honest, totally open friendship with my wife, you know I don’t. I hold myself back to her. Especially my nerdy loser side. I show and tell you everything. You were my first proper best friend. And still are 🤷‍♂️” When he says things like that to me, I am always so perplexed why he even bought a house with this woman, long before kids & marriage, why would you… I mean even though I never felt the same about Boyfriend as I do about Marvel, at the time I was open with Boyfriend, we shared things & he knew my stupid things about me, he didn’t know me like Marvel knows me, but I didn’t marry Boyfriend & I certainly didn’t have kids with him while holding back shit from him!

I say “I don’t think you do with your wife, but I do know now you had it with other people, which I didn’t realise. I knew you were friends with people, but I didn’t think quite like we were friends…” & he doesn’t get it & thinks that I’ve had all these online relationships the same as he had with Cowboy’s mistress… I didn’t, but he is adamant that he’s sure I did… Rob Rob would log off for even longer than Marvel ever did & forget about me & J-Lo was always in his own head that I got advice from him about Marvel but there was nothing really there with us. There has never been any one else in comparison to Marvel. He tells me I should be jealous of his relationship with his wife not someone woman online… Well his relationship with his wife doesn’t make me jealous because I know they sit in separate rooms, they don’t really connect or talk & he’s just even admitted he holds back with her – our relationships don’t even compare to be jealous of. But the things I am jealous of, is her getting to live with him, sleep next to him, him cooking & cleaning for her, when she doesn’t even appreciate it, she takes it for granted & teases him for his hobbies & interests, like she’s got so many fascinating interests or something… I’m not jealous of their connection because I don’t believe they have one, besides their kids. But him rubbing it in my face that he had one with Cowboys mistress, makes me jealous.

Today he is meeting me, he thinks it’s not going to be a sex date & says he can resist me, so I send him a picture of me in lingerie before I go to work, which he says isn’t playing fair but he wanted to play the game… I do want sex less dates, I haven’t had many of them with him before, or anyone really that I was interested in but I also want sex because who knows when the next time is that I will see him.

We meet outside near his car & we decide on Red Rooster – yes there are still a couple left in SA, as we walk into the store, we hold hands & fuck me & my walls for coming down but holding his hand, in broad daylight near my work, it feels right… So natural. So easy. It’s been years since I held hands with someone & holding his hand, is just – this sounds dumb, but where it’s meant to be… This is what is special to me, not the hot sex we have, not the conversations – they do mean something to me of course but holding hands & not feeling forced or awkward just feels like home… You can vomit now… Hahaha. We order & sit at a window bench seat. We are sitting there eating & looking at some woman just standing by his car, which he is obsessed with, so I touch his leg every so often or look at him to give him the fuck me eyes. I can’t believe that this is our second lunch date at my work & I feel so at ease with him, like he is my actual boyfriend, like we do this all the time… Um, fuck.

As we sit there chatting, he puts his hand on my leg & slides up my dress, brushing my panties ever so slightly & he snatches his hand away & says “Fuck, I touched it” I bust out laughing… Just like in Finding Nemo, I say ‘I touched the butt.’ I reach over & touch his dick & he says without looking at me “Don’t touch it” & again I laugh telling him that he wanted to play this game! We walk to my car & somehow get in the back, he has his pants off quickly & I am sucking his dick when I look up & remind him that he was going to resist me. People seem to be walking around really close to the car that I tell him we need to move… Fuck now I am being like him every time he’s made me move my car when I met him at his work or gym back in the day! We drive around the streets & as it’s getting closer & closer to the end of my break, I just park in a side street & get in the back with him. When I hear a crack. FUCK! I look down & see his phone on the floor, fuck I have just crushed his phone!!!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK… I pick it up & give it to him, while straddling him, he doesn’t seem to care & is pulling me down on him, but we realise that it’s just the cover of the phone! Thank god… He’d probably have some dumb excuse to explain how he broke it that would make no sense!!

As we fuck, we are both so turned on, so I cum riding him, then he picks me up & pounds me as I am laying on the back seat. I ask him to fuck me hard & I can feel us both building really quickly, as I start to cum, he cums, finishing really hard deep inside me… Um – how the fuck did we cum together?! Fucking hard, connected & turned on, it’s the closest thing I have to making love & the only man who I’ve ever done that with!!! How is it even possible? I mean after all this time… How can we be so in tune… Is it because in reverse dog years we’ve really only had like half the time together that we would have if we were a real couple?

I get back to work all just fucked & leaking cum, that I even show him a picture of my work chair that has a wet patch on it. I never realised how much of a selfless lover he is until he said “I thought it was hot when we finally did it, you told me to fuck you hard and make you cum quick 😐. I do things to stop myself Cummings, either slowing down…changing positions , Getting you to ride me. It was kinda nice not to stress if I came in under 3 minutes and just fuck you hard …..and not worry. I was scared you were not going to cum because I could feel you close as I started to lose control.” He always makes sure I cum first, I know this & usually multiple times, I love that about our sex, but I never really realised it was something he worried about…

#IBD4U

11 March 2025 #7

Incoming morning Marvel rant!

“I could not fall asleep last night, I was up to at least 11.45. But I was thinking, you have never apologised before haha. When you have had weird dickhead moments. Interesting to know you have done it. You usually just distract me with sex when you are back to being nice to me 😛 It’s actually insane to think we have talked to each other for over 7 years… You looked so much younger 7 years ago ! But so did I probably 🤷‍♂️ I mean there has been breaks , there has been moments of sex text only…. but there has always been that bond and friendship that accidentally comes out every time I fucked you, in which we both let our guard down, either showing each other a little affection, or sharing little life updates, sometimes good or bad, I do wish I could of spent more time with you during the bad times when I could see you were struggling and down, especially during the times you struggled with your favourite job, or when your dad first had heart problems, even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling….and I should of been a better friend….. I regret putting that guard back up now as soon as the time limit after sex was done, and you put the guard back up… because during those brief moments clearly you were crying out for My friendship while your guard was down because you had just cum multiple times. Because clearly there was a friendship and love for me, and clearly you were trying to reach out for me for help, and in a way you did get it very briefly after sex and our guards were down…. kinda sneaky on your behalf… Fuck Marvel so I can enjoy his friendship and love for a brief moment hen he let’s his guard down and I let mine down 😛 But I should of been better, I should of reached out to you and checked in with you. I should of told you I still cared. I should of told you I still loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t 😕”

Ok, who are you & what the fuck have you done with Marvel?! I copy & paste his whole message because I want you to see how his mind works – I have no idea why he mentioned how we looked younger because we didn’t share photos or talk about looks really… But also I feel like he’s getting closer to cracking & telling me what’s going on!

I reply that I wish I would have told him what I felt, but I knew he would shut it down, he has a problem with empathy, he tells me that all the time, so there is no way that he was going to just say ‘oh #IBD4U, I feel the same way!’ so I could never say anything, he says he wouldn’t but I know that he would have pulled away & told me not to get too close. I say “The ball is always in your court. Even now, any day now you could just go back to messaging sporadically. And even if I messaged 45 time a a day, you wouldn’t read them for weeks. I never wanted to feel like a fool so I didn’t bother & while I could see love there, I didn’t know how much or even if you’d ever admit it again after everything we went through.”

One thing that strikes me is that he admits he’s known me for 7 years, almost 8. He tells me “Hahaha if I couldn’t connect it to my daughter it’s like 4 years in my head. I also can’t pretend it hasn’t been that long we have known each other… And I know you didn’t message me in fear of me not reading it for a week so you would only message me stuff that would not make you feel like an idiot. Which is sex. Which I oddly think is the one thing that never makes you feel like an idiot around men.” I tell him, “I was never going to say anything of significance in text with you jist for feeling like an idiot & you not replying or saying you can’t support me like you used too… Every chick (who’s into men!) wants a man to support her during shit times… You were my person & I wanted to tell you shit.” Didn’t he tell me when I first got fired during the second affair that he couldn’t support me like he had. Yes, yes he did!

He legitematly seems sorry – maybe for the first time ever “I’m sorry 😐. I’m legit have a shit sense of time … I don’t do it for any other reason. Time flies as you get older… But yeah. Even if I’m being dick. Even if I can’t get back to you straight away. You can reach out to me… I would of never completely shut you down … I’m way better at building walls than I realised 😐” but what he doesn’t realise is that, he may not have shut me down, he says later that he wouldn’t have ignored a plea for help, but reality is, that he wouldn’t log on for days, or weeks… It wasn’t about what he was going to say per se, it was about the distance he put between us by not logging on to see if I had messaged & how I would feel with a message perhaps saying ‘my dad had a heart attack’ sitting at unread for a week by the person I am in love with… How is that supportive or good for my mental health?! Why would he even think that I would write that to him. I mean fuck, but in affair one, if he knew I was going out to dinner he wouldn’t message me because he didn’t want to feel like a dick & I would fucking write back to every message within an hour at the most, he didn’t want to feel like a dick for one hour, imagine feeling like a dick for a week, while dealing with your recovering dad… We won’t agree on this because I don’t think he would have given me what I needed or even 10% of what I needed, even if I did tell him about the shit in my life.

He sends me a snap of a diary – it’s the second of April & it has two names on it, some chick & his, with N/A next to it. Awwww fuck he’s so cute. He’s booked the day off when I am off with my gum surgery. I say that I have never seen his handwriting, but he hates his writing & says it looks like an 8 year olds, that he prefers typing. Something that has always made me admire Marvel is his grammar & spelling (even though there are lots of spelling mistakes in the copy & pasted messages – they are usually autocorrect or snapchat not having predicative text & us typing too fast). He tells me that he’s a good typist & his son put typing as a goal for the year as it was something he admired about his dad… I almost want to say something bitchy because I bet his wife made fun of Marvel & probably thier son, for him wanting to touch type like his dad… I think it’s super fucking sweet that his kids look up to him!

My Spotify has been playing songs lately that I haven’t paid attention too, but even though I still don’t know what the fuck Marvel is doing right now with me, how long it’ll last with the sexless dates & all day messaging & I’m afraid to ask because I don’t know if I want to know the answer, but a song comes on my playlist Lifetime by Three Days Grace, I’ll post as always for you to listen too. I think it’s relevant to when I thought we had really lost each other the second time. I send to him & he says that Three Days Grace are a fav band & it comes up on his spotify but he’s not really listened to it before.

Three Days Grace  – Lifetime

Called to say hello
Your voice always takes the pain away
The thought is unimaginable
That I saw you for the last time and didn’t know

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Now, I’m walkin’ ’round in a haze
There’s no color, only darker shades of gray
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me
Feels like a bullet running through me
Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Neil Sanderson / Ted Bruner / Barry Stock / Matthew Walst / Bradley Walst

Lifetime lyrics © Ted Bruner Songs, Mean Music Publishing Inc, Purple Planes Publishing, Riot Express Publishing, Baby Cats Music Inc

He says he’s going to come see me this week, but has to call the hospital about his eye, but he’s been asked to work in the morning now, so can’t call. I say that he doesn’t have to come see me if he has to call the hospital, I’ll delete the fake meeting out of my diary but he says “You don’t need to delete me. I said I would come see you, I did have a day off and still have Thursday off, only working the morning.” Maybe I need to start believing that his guy does want to see me & does want to see me for sexless dates… I am just waiting for the day he stops… It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird phase, so it’s going to come to an end soon, right? I need to be prepared for the day that happens… His life will go on like I never existed, but if I let my guard down here, even a little, I will be shattered when he goes back to not logging on for weeks on end…

Cute things he notices is that we are now Super BFF’s on snapchat – I did notice, it means you have been each other’s number one best friend, the one you talk to the most on snapchat for over 2 weeks. As much as Snapchat is the only social media I use since losing my Facebook, I don’t really use it for chatting, I use more for just cataloguing my life in pictures. So the fact he realises this but then asks me a question & says that I can’t get mad, which makes me laugh. He asks when my birthday is. I know he is shit with dates, so I am not annoyed, but it’s on my snapchat profile which he then gets pissed at himself for not realising. But he says that he just wants to remember when it is… Being that it’s about 5 months away, I think to myself that he won’t need a reminder, he probably won’t even be talking to me like this then, we’ll be back to monthly fucking & barely talking… I do tell him it’s a Friday though this year, so he won’t be able to see me, it surprises him that I know his patterns… I mean it’s not hard to figure out, every Friday he only talks to me in the morning & later at night or if he is at work… So not hard to pick up his pattern, same with the weekend she has off… I even say “If you’re still talking to me like this, I’ll remind you so you fuck me on the Thurs or sat…!! 😋” which he says “You make an assumption I won’t b” Its not an assumption, I’m almost certain of it… If this lasts longer than a month, I will be very surprised, he is notorious for putting in effort then losing interest… It’s only a matter of time.

I tell him I didn’t make eye contact with him much over the last 5 years, but why I made eye contact with him on Sunday was because I didn’t want him to see the love in my eyes & him pull away, he asks if I really think he’d do that & yes, I 100% do think that.. I say “You didn’t want to be close to me in case I met someone & I didn’t want to be close to you so you didn’t pull away or when your wife finds out, I am not the fool again.. So we’ve not been the smartest. Considering we know each other so well in other ways…” He tells me that big fear for him, “I was 100% sure if my wife left me or shit hit the fan. You would be in a relationship” but then he says “If you love something you set it free” & I say that’s a load of crap but he says he believes it… Well he’s never set me free? He keeps me dangling like a carrot waiting for a scrap of his time, so that when his wife does leave him, he can jump straight over to me, because what he doesn’t actually say is that his biggest fear is being alone.

He startles me by asking “Do you think we should of restarted this ? Our best friend online friendship? Sooner? From the start?” Um, do I think things would be this honest – let me tell you, we were always honest but this is different, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very different to the last almost 8 years. I never want to admit this but I say “Hmmm, sooner yes but not from the start… I’ll only ever say this once to you…. You were right to keep distance. Maybe not for 5 years but it was the right thing to do.” He asks why, which I knew he would, I say “I feel like I’m – what’s the word, maybe more mature (not old – don’t say it jerk!) that I’m able to see this clearer perhaps… I wouldn’t have been able to 5 years ago…” He asks how long I planned on doing this charade & I say forever as I’m not meeting anyone worth dating, he says that I’ll meet someone now that he’s making an effort… He may as well just have actual stabbed with a knife, just then, it would’ve hurt less… Hmmm we will see, I guess…

#IBD4U

10 March 2025 #6

It’s Monday of the March long weekend, he tells me that he won’t be around much today for obvious reasons, but chats to me way more than I expect him too, especially him talking about why we haven’t talked a lot in the past 5 years – just so you know this is a seemingly dialogue heavy post! He says “Because this would happen. We both knew this would happen. Neither of us are fucking stupid. We became online best friends… And that is a train wreck just waiting to happen That means feeling develop…a strong connection will develop” Well he’s right about that. But I honestly, just assumed he didn’t give a shit & was just sex to him, so that’s why he didn’t message… I never dreamed he was holding back so much, I just assumed he went about his days & weeks after fucking me without a thought of me… I wish I asked him at the time why he is doing this if he thinks it’s a train wreck, but I didn’t even think of it… He says “I thought about you all the time , I mean not messaging you all the time helped push me you to the back of my mind.” I dare him to put his phone down then, & his reply makes me smile like a wanker “No. I missed this so much”. FUCK! Then he says “I’ve told you every fuckin time we stopped I missed it.” DOUBLE FUCK. However, he’s always the one who puts the barriers up that made me walk the second time, its never been me!

As we’re talking about the fact we always fucked monthly, he says he didn’t notice, but contradicts himself by saying that if it got to the end of the month & we hadn’t fucked, I became more tempting & worked harder to get him to fuck me. Which is true, I won’t deny that! Our relationship was based on sex “It did technically come down to sex….I mean I loved you , will always love you, and will never forget about you. And haven’t been madly in love with you for the last few years. But I knew if I chatted to you… So I held back. So tbh if you didn’t fuck me.. I would of messaged you every 6 months… And eventually stopped  It would of slowed down… So your monthly sex achieved your goal  It kept me engaged with you on a fortnightly basis as a minimum. I never planned on cutting you off completely … But I did plan on weening myself off you. Where it would just get to the point where I would just check in on you every 3 months or 6 months.” Would he really still check in every 3-6 months? He didn’t the first time, cut me off without a trace, second time he said he’ll chat when he can & I never heard from him again until I saw he was online again & I reached out… So would he really contact me again? I highly doubt it? That part has always been on me!

This little rant comes out of the blue, while I am at the gym, it’s not in relation to anything we’ve talked about this morning so it makes me smile knowing this is something he was thinking about “So I’m going to give you a morning rant while you at the gym and can’t reply . Cos I’m a dick like that. And I won’t be around much today. But the reason I struggle to believe you about my body image, or myself. Is because I know you love me…. I know you see past my flaws…I know I’m not perfect, despite my big ego I don’t see myself as a 10/10, I’m like a 7 in my head, above average…but know I’m not ugly… But have major body image issues , especially the size of my dick, the size of my gut (which my head probably magnifies by x10) and my tiny unbuff arms. I know I’ve got other things going for me, I’m 6″1 with broad shoulders and a full head of hair in my 40s 🤷‍♂️. And I know I go on a bit of an ego trip sometimes… But I also know you are going to look past my flaws. And I’m going to be attractive to you know matter what. And that’s when the little voice inside my head puts myself down, I know you mean what you say. But I just think you won’t past my flaws…so then I subconsly high light my flaws to you and to myself …and always ….always think you deserve better than me, someone that doesn’t have my flaws… I know I don’t have a small cock…., but I don’t have a big one… I know I don’t have big arms, or a 6pack , and I even know that’s not even important to women , women will fuck anything they have a connection with. But in my head I think you deserve all of that. So I put myself down in my head. Then stupidly to you. I guess I do it to try and justify my decisions of the past too. So yeah. I’m an idiot. Because when someone like cowboys mistess told me I’m attractive…I believed her, and trust me, she told me alot …. But I believed her knowing she’s not in love with me vs you, the actual person I was fucking, and in love with. Well now you know why? I see past your flaws for the same reason 🤷‍♂️” WOW! Again, finally. I’ve been saying this for years about his looks & dick, I love him, am going out of my way risking a lot to cheat with him, he thinks I can have anyone I want yet he believes a women he’s never met & his wife, who, by his own admission never complimented him until she found out about me – assuming that lasted about 5 minutes, but he never believed me, the one person who never lied to him about how he looked to me or how me made me feel.

But unfortunately, Marvel being Marvel, starts going on about Cowboy’s mistress & I’m reminded to keep a wall up “Well cowboys mistress became a good friend , and if she lived closer…I’m not going to deny it, I would of fucked her in a heart beat , especially at any time we were not exclusive. And she was 100% jealous we fucked , she definitely said things in public to piss you off on purpose hahaha” Right then… Why did she even know he was fucking me?? He lost his shit at me for people knowing about him… Why is she trying to piss me off? I don’t even know her!! & the big question we all know the answer too, why didn’t he ask her to stop to protect me rather than just making me feel like a fool watching them flirt live in a public chat, while he’s not even messaging me privately??

“Oh I’m so good at making you feel special hey! 😛 But I would of , she was attractive, gott my sense of humour and always made me feel attractive, and we were both brutally honest with each other” I write back “Wow, you also said I’m the only one who got you & your sense on humour… Now she was also the perfect woman to cheat with… I was just the most geographically convenient one…” I then have to put down my phone for a bit, he doesn’t realise how much his words sting & fuck me off… I know I fucked other men when I was with him, but he’s had a partner that he married the whole time he’s been with me, he told me multiple times he wasn’t looking to cheat, loves his wife & now he’s admitting if this woman lived closer, he would’ve fucked her while fucking me & his wife. Get fucked asshole… Anyone else getting Max vibes, two women are not enough!!! I realise that eveything Marvel said during affair two was just fucking bullshit. I am shattered. My phone buzzes consistently for a while & it takes all of my energy not to pick it up & read them instantly.

“Haha na you get me or soooo many more levels… There have been others geographical convenient for me… I never fucked them 🤷‍♂️ Your not the only person who has lived closed and put the offer out there 🤷‍♂️ You were single and you did fuck people , I don’t hold it against you  You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck me #IBD4U. I fell in love with you. I never fell in love with one anyone else. I would think about you all day. You were in My fuckin thoughts no matter what. So do what you want. Pick apart what I tell you while I’m being honest with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. Try and make yourself feel less special , be a retard and do what I do. What fuck head drives 40 minutes to see a woman for lunch ? This dumbass… But keep picking my story apart. Whatever. Not even reading my messages now haha.” Theres the Marvel I know, the one who has to get angrier than me when I am angry – if fact I’m not even angry, I am hurt, so fucking hurt & need a moment! I’m not picking apart his story, it’s fucking facts. When he was becoming such good friends with her, I was spilling my guts out to him about how much I loved him, thinking that if I’d have told him more during affair one that things would have been different in affair two, but in fact all the while he was forming friendships with other people, that he prefered to come back online at night for, would have fucked them if they lived closer & no doubt, would have ended up falling in love with them too… So how am I special?!

Fuck sake, I give up on this conversation because there no winning with Marvel, he is right & I am wrong. As always… I fucked men while with him so I’m that means he can rub it in my face that he wanted to fuck others (contradictory to what he’s told me before). I never fucking rubbed my sex life on purpose in his face, except for the posts on fetlife, which I was even sure he’d see.

Anyway, it’s the middle of the afternoon, he is playing a game with his daughter, who he sends a snap of to me, something similar to the game guess who but looks different… So he’s at home, she’s at home – during the day on a public holiday, he’s playing with his kid & can message me – just remember that! However, I fucking love that he is sharing more about his kids & showing me what a fucking cute dad he is. He’s holding some toy she just gave him to hold as his game buddy. It’s so fucking cute & makes me fall a little more in love with him – but the previous conversation made me fall a little bit out of love with him, so it’s now evened out. Hahaha

I tell him that at the end of March – I’m not sure why I offer it up so far in advance being it’s the start of March still, it’s still like 2 weeks away that I am having gum surgery & having 3 days off work that I’ll be free for 2 of them recovering. He says his roster isn’t done but he’ll see if he can see me for a few hours. He says that he’ll put it in the roster book to have the day off, which surprises me… I mean I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here! It’s been exactly 2 weeks of this daily chatting, all day – everyday… Even on days when he says he can’t chat much & is home with the whole family…. Let’s actually see if he even sees me for a couple of hours or not…

One thing that has always been weird is the fact I’ve kept everything, every screenshot I took – which isn’t every thing from the beginning, but there is a lot of pictures, screenshots & info about the dates & times we fucked. Mainly because Marvel always told me his wife would kill me so I was prepared, but then my blog became more of a journal that when we started up the third time, I saved every single thing, for my blog, however I barely wrote about 2024. He talks about having deleted everything, FetLife when he got pissed at me, but I only posted on there cos he was telling me daily about his kinky wild sex with his partner after she found out about me. He’d deleted the emails from the random yahoo account. It makes me super sad he has nothing, when we reconnected for the second affair, he mentioned that he’d recently read the emails we sent at the end of affair one, before we started chatting again, which made me realise that he wasn’t done with me. But he says “So I’ve got nothing. From our past. Makes me a little sad.” He says it’s nice that I still have the stuff – albeit it does scare him but he says also that I’ve never done anything with it so he trusts me.

I remind him that I gave him a Samsung watch that I clearly could’ve sold that came free with a phone but I just gave it to him. I tell him it was a obvious I love you gesture, which he agrees “Why was I such a dick to you for so long.” Yeah who the fuck knows Marvel… Who knows!! I say he didn’t deserve it, that I never got a gift from him & he says “You probally deserve something tbh” Oh yeah right, as if this guy will ever buy a fucking gift for me… & it’s not like I went out specifically to get it for him, something thoughtful & meaningful, no, I just gave him something that was surplus to my needs, however I probably should have sold it.

So after telling me at 7:00am that he wouldn’t be around much today, I was able to copy & paste 27 A4 pages of messages from him, which weren’t just messages before 10:00am & after 9:00pm when she would be asleep, there were messages all throughout the day… How is he messaging me without getting caught? Before he goes for the night, he says that he’s going to come visit me at work on Wednesday for lunch again… Errr ok… I want him too of course, but this job is so difficult, not because of my boss but because of the team, they seem to track each other more than anything, making sure no one takes a minute more than they are allowed… I will figure something out in my diary or work an extra 30 mins to make up the time I am with him.

This is also about the time I start using his initials as my good night, I say sorry for being a dick today (not sure why, looking back he fucking deserved eveything I gave him & more!) & I say ‘Night ABC xxx’ & he says ‘errr night IBD4U,’ using my real initials too. A little term of endearment, that’s not too lovely dovey but not just his name, something no one else calls him, something special for him, without being obvious. I mean I still don’t know what is going on here, so I need to keep my heart to myself a little, he could go back to chatting once a fortnight like he was before at the drop of a hat, I may never know what the fuck is going on here & it could change just as quickly as it did to begin with…

#IBD4U

March 2025 #5

So with his weirdness still going on, sexless dates & all day chatting from 4:20am when he gets up to about 4:00pm or 5:00pm, then again around 8:30pm – 9:00pm till almost 11:00pm some nights, I am weirded out still as to what is happening, we’ve done a few phone calls, he’s met me for a sexless date – not me going to him all the time & says he wants more of it. What is he doing, because if he can’t keep this up, it’s going to destroy me. I am trying to keep it at an arm’s length but it is fucking intoxicating & I am drawn in without even realising how much of myself I am giving him.

We are chatting, he gives me a morning rant that is like 20-25 messages in a row of all sorts of shit, so our conversations go everywhere & if I wrote about everything we talk about, I would never get this story out… But because of his early morning rants that I love waking up too, I open up & say “I don’t know if I ever told you but my biggest fear in life was that I would die never being loved… Cos the ex boyfriend never said it no other guy but you has said it to me… So I guess I was mid 30s & never been loved & didn’t know how to love either… I mean I still don’t think I do it well at all… So yeah I struggle with that emotion or any emotion other than anger.” & his simple reply makes me swoon “You are loved.” I say aww, not knowing what to say & he continues “I know you have always doubted it. And I know I confuse you sometimes. But you were always and still are loved by me. And no one would believe me , and I’m sure anyone that knows you would tell you it’s a load of shit, and I’m just a cheating fuckhead. But I’m 100% sure it’s the reason you have kept me in your life. Because you know I do love you.” Is that true? But I do feel loved…

Because we talk a lot now, more than ever before, more than even affair one, I reckon, that it’s hard to pick out things that I want to write about – stuff that deserves air time, stuff that’s meaningful not just sex talk, I know it’s boring for those still reading but this is my journal that I am posting online so it’s probably going to drag out – looking at what I am writing about, we’re only up to the 6 & 7 of March 2025 at the current time – Fuck & we’re on post number 5 for March… Believe me I am culling information as much as I can!! Hahaha… For example, I was copying at the time & pasting our chats (like a weirdo!) into a word document, 30 pages for 6 March. THIRTY! Plus, there is a phone call or two now & sometimes a face-to-face visit also. Needless to the say there is a lot of information to get down, especially since I still have no idea what the fuck is going on with him & why he’s being weird!

But we’ve recently talked about the other chat app days & how I was pissed off at the end of affair number two when Marvel came back online & didn’t even say hello to me but was chatting in groups, he did it a couple of times, his morning rant includes him finally understanding my side of it “I kinda get the jealously thing, you had unlimited access to groups, I had limited access , if I was online with my limited time , you wanted all my limited time, which obviously I didn’t always do. But I justified it in my head because I messaged you every day, messaged you literally all day, met you multiple times a week, and you were my number one pm. And as much as I loved you, as much as you were my number one, as much as messaged you all day. I like my ego being stroked just as much as my cock. And having a bunch of girls flirting with me, trying to get my attention, even try and mark me as their territory (oh and I know they did, especially the chick that was fuckin cowboy haha!)” I get it cos I loved the guys flirting with me, but I was always sitting there waiting for him, even if I did chat with other guys – which at that time was no one. I think even though I hate bringing up the past, it’s good & more honest than ever before with Marvel that I like chatting about this stuff & getting clarity without blame or regret.

He’s planned to spend the day with me, well it’s not the whole day is it? He will come after 7:00am & will leave around lunchtime but I am excited for the allocated time because he said after the night I had with Origin & he came over the next day & I slept, that he almost blocked me. Whatever dude , you fuck your wife! & I didn’t even fuck Origin that night… Anyway, I’m supposed to pick him up so he can leave his car at work but he messages me & says that he doesn’t need a lift. I am sleepy & don’t understand it, feeling like he’s bailing but he says that he’s just going to drive to mine & wouldn’t cancel like that. Last night he stopped replying around dinner & never came back online so I assumed he was going to bail, he’s not bailed a lot but usually disappears when he needs to bail so he can avoid the conversation rather than being an adult to tell me why he can’t meet. Usually I’ll get a “can’t do today” or something equally as cold, no explanation & no sorry, then he disappears for days, maybe weeks on end, so yes Marvel, you would cancel like that!

I had thought about this drive back to my house from his work a lot though, what little fantasy I could think up. I could pretend to be a student needing driving lessons, but when he says that he can drive himself, I am ok with the fact I don’t have to drive to get him but am also a little disappointed that we won’t have a little fantasy & some sexual tension build up – a little fantasy he didn’t know about & I didn’t know would be hot…Or I was going to make him drive & jerk him off… But anyway, I have my sisters dogs at my house as well as mine so I get up to sort them out, feeding them & getting them all settled again.

When he comes over after we fuck, we lay there cuddling, we fuck again. Half way through the morning, I get up to make us breakfast. I have pre-made crumpet protein bowls & so I heat them up & take them into the bedroom for a bedroom picnic. I am not sold on them but he seems to like it & later he tells me how much he loved me making him breakfast. We both get really hungry when we fuck so I thought we should have something to eat. I did also get bacon & eggs but didn’t want to spend the time I had with him in the kitchen cooking. So I opted for the pre-made protein bowls & just heated them up. I think because he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot, that he loved that I put in that effort. In a stupid thing I do too, I bought him Pepsi Max because he prefers that over Coke no sugar – which is what I drink… I do these things, then feel like a dick cos I want him to have the Pepsi Max but I don’t want him to know that I got it – if that makes sense?!

He does something relatively new today, he spends a lot of time just lightly rubbing my clit, over & over – not in a fuck what is he doing way, but in a what the fuck is he doing, I am going to cum type of way… He does this multiple times throughout our session & I fucking love it, I can’t get enough of it. Later he tells me that he couldn’t get enough of my body reacting, my face & my moans that it made him want to do it more & more… It was so good that I am literally begging him, fucking his hand to make him do it basically as he’s walking out the door! Before he leaves though, I ask him to fuck me hard, which he does & we cum together, something that he still thinks is just fiction & can’t happen in real life. I mean I never knew it could happen, it’s only ever happened with him & only three times that I can recall.

He tells me that he loves what I put on as he was leaving, which was just a t shirt dress, it does hug me in the all the right spots & when I tell him that I am more comfortable around him naked, he says that he wanted to touch me more when I was wearing clothes. I have put on weight so I don’t feel as good about myself but he says that I look like I’ve lost weight. We talk about what would happen if I was with someone & we met up in the future & I tell him it would be just like Carrie & Mr Big when they’re cheating… He says that he would put in a fuck ton of effort to make sure I fucked him, even if I was with someone else… Would he really?! I mean in the past he’s told me that he wants me to be happy & that’s why he backs off, so I don’t know if he would really try at all to fuck me if he had lunch with me & I was with someone.

There is one thing that has always been in his mind about me & sex. That I need kink & that he isn’t kinky enough for me. He says that we had no kink at all today – not even a spank & I reacted in a way he hasn’t felt before & I was wet just from his light touches, that I say it’s in his head about the kink, not mine. He replies “Guess it was one thing I was wrong about you 🤷‍♂️” Errr ya think!! I tell him that I enjoy it & I explored kink but I didn’t need it. I tell him that trust & connection, two things we have is what I want, “Someone who knows my body & how to use it. Someone who gets me mentally when I am being overly sensitive about some dick thing they said…” He says that the way I reacted proves any doubt he had. FINALLY!!!

We talk about fisting & rimming, two things I want to try with him, I’m always so conscious of him near my ass but I want to ty doing it to him, I know his wife has done it to him & he didn’t reciprocate to her – he would have fucking rubbed it in my face if he did, just as he rubbed it in my face that she did it to him – once – & he loved it, so that’s how I know he hasn’t done it to her, but I want to explore that with him, I’ve never done it to anyone & I reckon after a bath or shower together, it could be incredibly sexy. But he says that he has some physical condition that makes him scared to do it, I probe him on what & he says that cos he’s had a physical job & he’s in his 40’s but kept dancing around the subject, I honestly have no clue what it could be so when he says haemorrhoids, I’m like fuck I’ve had them before hahaha, usually when on some high protein diet that backs you up! Hahaha…

But all in all, he get s a few things today, he gets that I don’t need kink – I enjoy it but do not need it, finally getting that though his thick head & also that I made him feel special by cooking breakfast & having Pepsi Max for him, he thinks it’s really cute & he says I didn’t need to do it, but it’s my love language, the acts of service but then I feel self conscious about it but he says I don’t need to because he fucking loves it. As he signs off that night, having had a nap & coming back online to talk to me late into the night, he says “I’m trying my hardest here to not say I love you. Especially all the Cute nice things you did for me today.” I tell him I am holding back too, he says “So let’s not make this a habit? But I love you and goodnight x” I say it back because I do love him, I don’t want it to be a ‘habit’ or something you just say as you hang up the phone, but I do want to say it everyday, it was my biggest regret of affair one – but he seemingly doesn’t feel the same way… I guess (or overanalyse maybe) that it’s a habit with his wife & he doesn’t want it to be that way with me.

#IBD4U