Month: Jan 2026

April 2025 – Puddles

19 April 2025 – One thing he doesn’t ever seem to get, no matter how many times I tell him is that I do not need kink to have good sex, I like it. I enjoyed it. I’m open to it. When he met me, I was just exploring kink, but it isn’t a lifestyle, it isn’t something I had to have, it was something I liked exploring & I was open to trying new things, having had pretty boring missionary sex my whole life up until I met Milky, who I met about nine months before Phoenix… He just doesn’t get it & thinks that need it & I want it. I have never been disappointed with anything we have done, in fact I have had more kink & exploration with him than anyone else (no point telling him that though, he won’t believe it) & I am still fucking him eight years later, still enjoying it & finding it the most exciting sex of my life, that I never understand why he thinks I have to have kink & why he keeps bringing it up. I can only assume it’s his insecurity, you know about him not being good enough for me so he makes up some version of the truth that suits his mood.

He says that on his break he’s done a bunch of errands so that when I get to his work, he can use the errands as an excuse why he is home later, but he says he wanted to ‘maximise time with you‘ which makes me smile like a wanker… I would have done the errands with him, he says I semi sound excited to do errands with him, so he says he’ll keep it in mind. Of course, I want to maximise my time with him too, so if he is doing errands – which gives him an alibi & I can tag along, why wouldn’t I?

I get to his work, I have packed the platter, a picnic blanket, a Pepsi Max but I also packed a cider each for us & also brought a little speaker for some music. But unfortunately, the weather is not our friend today & it starts raining just as we get set up, we try to sit under the shelter but we are just getting wet that we jump back in the car & eat the platter. He eats most of it because he says he’s hungry, so I let him eat it. We drink our cider but it’s not quite the fun cuddly picnic I hoped for. I say to him that I have something to share with him that will show him just how much I love him, he has this weird look on his face as I pull out a box of cheezels, with a cheeky grin & he laughs. I never would share my cheezels with just anyone!

This was supposed to be a bit of a teasing type of picnic & no sex, but we’re sitting in the car, I am running my fingernails through his hair & back of his neck, which makes him purr like a kitten & just the looks we share, turn me on & I know that he feels it too… Even after eight years I can still feel the electricity crackle between us, this electricity is what gets us into trouble because we genuinely want sexless dates but as I have said before, we don’t see each other enough for example, daily, that we (or I) get enough sex as well as enough time together. If we saw each other daily, the struggle for sexless dates wouldn’t be as hard – I mean maybe it would cos I still want him every day, but I think it would be easier because I’d know that if we have a sexless date today, we’ll have sex tomorrow. But at this point, I never know when the next time is that we’re going to see each other, for sex or not.

We do end up deciding to go for a drive & find a spot for sex. It’s a windy, rainy day so we find an empty carpark that we think will be secluded enough to have sex. I have worn a skirt today so I don’t get totally naked when we are fucking. The session today seems to be a lot longer than it probably should be given he has to go home soon, sometimes times goes so fast but today time seems to be going slower…. We have very hot car sex & I suck his dick, where I am sort of on all fours in the backseat, so he reaches around & fingers me so we are cumming at similar times by different methods of penetration, it’s hot & I am squirting like a sprinkler. He cums in my mouth & I don’t realise that I will be mortified in about ten seconds after cumming as well & then six seconds later, Phoenix will make me realise I never ever should be self-conscious around him, ever, ever! When I was looking for a car to buy, I wanted leather seats in the back because of the dog hair, their hair gets in everything, I love them but fuck their hair is so annoying! So, one of my prerequisites was leather seats. Phoenix has made me cum so much that I squirted, quite a lot & guess what happens to squirt on leather seats … It pools like a puddle & I am mortified for such a short time, looking for a gym towel in my boot until he says something about how fucking hot that is to see it as a puddle! (Something neither of us have ever seen before.)

Later that night he says that he is so relaxed from cumming twice & I say that I wish we were in bed or on the couch just hugging, he says that he would fall asleep & I think that’s ok, I would fucking love that! He is playing some games & drinking while watching wrestling, when he sends me a picture of his set up, I say that I don’t want to distract him – being he is taking a bit of time to write back so I was assuming that he was falling asleep, He replies “You are my girlfriend , you’re allowed to distract me.”

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20 April 2025 – It’s Easter Sunday & he’s got wrestling to watch – you know his apparently embarrassing & nerdy hobby, which no one gives a fuck about but him. It wouldn’t be in a stadium if it was so embarrassing, would it?! I tell him that I will let him watch & he says that he’s set up outside with his drinks & messaging me a lot for being at home with the family on Easter Sunday. Apparently another time he can message me when she’s home… I can tell that the drinks are starting to give him a little buzz because we are talking about food that he’s eating right now when he randomly says, “FYI you are the sexiest women I have ever fucked in my life.” Okie dokie, someone is tipsy! But his response to that is, “Pfft. Take a compliment. I literally made a best friend with one of the most sexiest and dirtiest woman ever. I fucking love it. But love you even more !” Um…. Okay… fuck, by 10:30am, he’s had four Smirnoff double blacks so I am preparing now for some random messages. I agree with him though, he is my sexy best friend & I love him.

The random conversation is just so fucking cute, its over a few messages & my attempts to still talk about whatever we were talking about are wasted on his little love bomb rant, “I love you IBD4U. I wish I chatted to you more over the last 5 years. And missed you so much ! You are so stubborn. I would of given in and chatted to you if you tried.. I have never stopped loving you for 8 years.” I say that he would have just told me that we can’t get to close but he reckons he dropped that act after the first three months. He didn’t say it after that, but it had already had it effect & we were nothing more than fuck buddies, “I would of made an effort if you needed me… I would of been there for you online at least. I never stopped caring about you ever.” But he actually wasn’t really there for me when I needed him, he was when I saw him to listen, but he wasn’t there for me really, he’d log off & I never knew when he would come back online again.

His messages are random… “I need more drinks for tomorrow. Spending time with you , having lunch, dates , fucking you.. Makes me realize how much I fucking deeply love uou. And chatting to you again properly.. I fuckin hate it because of our situation. But also love it. I hate you don’t have all of me 😐” UM, fuck… What does that mean?! I mean I hate that I don’t have all of him, he knows that, but he’s never really admitted something like that to me before… Then he sends “I want to go out for yi7 for a day. I’ll tell you nesr time I’m free for a Sunday. And can see you. I think about you all th2 time. and miss yi7 so much. So many mistakes. Now I’m drunk.” So essentially, if you didn’t understand that, he wants to go out for a whole day date on a Sunday next time he can. Hahaha… There is so many rambled, misspelt messages, that I won’t share them all because we don’t have all fucking day to try to work out what he wrote, but I will post the cute ones, “I love you. Yo7 are me favourite. I love you so much. How good. was our sex yesterday. You was a sprinkli3r while I finger uou a d you suckes my cock. Fu j. Your sexy. I loved that. You are so sexy abs hot. Omg. You will wvwb rim you dirty bitch. Something I thought you woud negative do. I love you so much tho! You mean so much to me. Love with yiy so early. I hated it. I was partnered. I had no eif. Right to call in love with you. But I was drawn to you. I wanted. Ore. More of you. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to see you more. And never stopped. Fuck I’m a duck head .I shk. O. Should of stopped. Your sexy ass made it ha3e. My dick hard. Fuck. I love yi7. I loces your personality. I loved your cheekiness. I didn’t care what you did for work or how independent you are. I fell for you haed. I wqkte. Wanted you so bad. You are amazing.  Fuck. I love you. I wish I could fvie you so much more. You were not meant to tear me for 5 year s! Tease. Making me want to fucj yo7. Fuck. Yo. I love you. Grrr” Partnered? He always says ‘had a wife’ never partner, he always hated that word which is why she was always wife whenever he talked about her… Hmmmm…

He is so cute, obviously through some of those messages, I do chat back but he isn’t really reading anything I write, he’s just having a conversation with himself, but it’s very telling of what he wants, “I’m so glad you are officiLt my girlfiiend. It took long enough. I always wanted that. We can and we do. We can make this work. But I can look you in the eye. And tell you I love you. And mean it. I wish you knew how deelin. Deeply. I loved you .How much you win. Mean. To wm. Me. Love you *. How commenting. C9n. Connected. I feel to you fucking you. How much i love you being my best fiend. How much you mean to me. You are so duck. Important to me. It’s why I spend fuckin $300 >, a. On ab. Bracelet for. You. Bexayw i love you. And you mean alot to mw.” Okay, so telling me how much the bracelet is kind of removes the specialness a little. I am now annoyed about how much it was, because he didn’t go to that concert with his family because he had no money & then he spent money on flowers & a bracelet for me – which I love, but don’t need… I don’t need him to buy me things. I just want his time, I want what time he can give me, I don’t need gifts. “Yoru worht it. You mean so much to me. It wasn’t that expensive. I love you so much. You have done so much for me. I love you so much. I missed charring to you so much the last 5 years, I should of just Chartwell to you rather than tyeijg to find it in others. And not ignored uou. I never stopped loc8jg you. Fuck. I need tosmhut up. Shut up.” OMG, he admits that he should’ve chatted to me over other women?! Only something that used to piss me off so much & he knew very well that it fucked me off, made me angry & hurt me, but did it anyway, he finally realises because he’s drunk.

Then he says something that he shouldn’t have said & I shouldn’t have engaged with, why didn’t I just say no instead of what I say, “Is here anything you want to know. While I’m drunk. You can ask me anything. Take advantage of mee baby.” I tell him there are things I want to know but I don’t want to know the answer too really. He pushes me to ask him something a couple more times before I send, “Well I want to know what your wedding song was… What your wife looks like day to day… Why you married while fucking me… But tbh…. I just don’t want to know either…” Why the fuck did I ask anything… WHY WHY WHY!! “I love bir. Both you and My wife and she is the mother of my children so that’s why. I love you deeper tho. I believe my our wedding song was life houde. Falling deeper in love with you. But I’m not 100% sure. And hoen. Honestly forgot. And asked my wife and got in shit for it haha. Life house *” So their wedding song was LifeHouse – Hanging by a moment?! (Because there is no song falling deeper in love with you, but that’s sort of a lyric of the song.) Odd choice but sure… He says it was on the store radio when they worked together.. “But I did forget. And didn’t lie to you. And not even sure that’s correct 😐. I love you soooo much. It’s fucked. And I shouldn’t. But I’ve never been able to stop it. My wife just wears her work uniform or just pjamaass day to day.” Then he sends me a picture of her – which looks a few years old judging by their kids of her feeding a possum, her hair is pulled back in a pony tail which is frizzy, I only remember her with smooth hair & because it’s not really a picture of her face or close up, it’s hard to see what she looks like & honestly, she looks different in this photo to all the other ones I’ve seen too, so who the fuck knows what she looks like, but she’s also definitely not blonde. She also doesn’t look like a ‘fat fuck’ at all like he says, she’s pretty normal size with a very mumsy look. “We just sleep, eat work. Talk about our kids. Nothing exciting.”

I think maybe I am tipsy now because I ask, “I want to know what her ring looks like… Did you pick it, did you proper propose with a surprise on one knee…? Or did she just start wearing it…” & he says “Fuck you are weird. I don’t have a pic of her ring. We were engaged for yers. I didn’t get on one knee. I just did it in the back of a car on a beach look out. I’m starting to sober up 😛. Stop asking me weird questions. But of course I picked her ring. I proposed to her Long before I met you. She put alot of pressure on me to do it witth you.” Do it with me? Does he mean pressure to get married after finding out about me or he meant she put pressure on him to propose to her?! I just say that I will stop & he says “I don’t blame you for being curious though! Wow you did stop asking questions ! Didn’t think you would ask those ones ! You are curious about her sometimes!” I don’t know why I am upset about this, he told me to ask him things I wanted to know, what did he think I was going to ask? He can’t be surprised that the questions that I would ask would be about her, I am curious about her- not to compare but to understand why her & not me considering all the shit he spins me about loving me more. I know everything else, right, he tells me about his hobbies, work, kids & life – the things I don’t know are about their relationship & things that I wonder about every now & then… So I just say that I won’t ask again, he asks if I am upset, but I just say “Nah it’s fine. I won’t ask weird thing again…” & I say good night. He says “Grr night.” & I put my phone down, which I probably should have done when he asked me to ask him anything while he is drunk… He doesn’t understand that telling me he loves me more, or that he finds me more attractive isn’t the compliment or reassurance that he thinks it is… It just reminds me that I am the better one who didn’t give him children…

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Surprise

17 April 2025 – At 5:06am, the dogs jump off my bed with a bark, one of them treading on my face & scratching my arm – very unusual behaviour for the middle of the night, or early morning & I was dead asleep that I don’t even know what’s happening. I hear someone at the door & the dogs seem to be ok with whoever is at my house… I pick up my phone, Phoenix has messaged, which I read but it’s just a good morning message, then I see a light coming own my hallway in the mirror – why am I not panicking?! It takes me a minute to realise that it’s Phoenix. What the fuck is he doing here?! I am so confused. I ask him what he is doing here & he says he has a key so he decided to use it. He said he saw an opportunity, so he just decided to take it. Well fuck. I am so fucking glad I gave him keys…! I never thought he would use them without warning me – scared that I would have some dude in my bed, like I’m fucking all of Adelaide – as per his stupid brain… He gets into bed with me, & he’s surprised to find me naked, he knows I sleep naked but later tells me that he thought perhaps it was just something I said to be sexy & did when I knew he was coming over… Nope, it’s how I sleep, I never used too but find it so much more comfortable. The dogs are still loose so I have to get up & sort them out before I jump back into bed with him. It’s so dark, the sun hasn’t come up yet, so we fumble around touching each other, kissing & rubbing every inch of each other in the darkness. I have always preferred sex in the dark or muted lighting, so the guy can’t see my fat rolls or flaws, but not with Phoenix I tell him I want to see him & turn on the lamp after a while.

When I suck his dick, finally, for the first time in weeks because of my mouth, I am straddling his leg that my cunt rubs against his shin & as he starts making very sexy noises, I gyrate my hips a little & he senses what is happening that he moves his leg so I am now rubbing my clit on his leg while sucking his cock… HOT! When I slide down onto his cock I fuck him until I cum, being so wet from sucking his dick, once I cum he says that it was my first orgasm as his girlfriend & fuck I think that just made me want to cum again… He then flips me on my back where he can fuck me till he cums, he pulls out to cum all over me & gets some on his hand. I ask him if I can taste his cum & he calls me a dirty bitch as I lick it off his hands! We cuddle for a short time before he is saying he has to go, he does start work at 6:00am after all… I hate that he has to go, but I need to go to the gym then work so I guess he should leave…. I hug him tighter as he tries to get up & leave. He laughs pretending to be annoyed but I know he loves that I am trying to get him to stay just a few minutes longer.

When I look at my phone after he has left, only 45 minutes later, a short session but a very fucking hot session, I send him a response to his good morning message, with a huge smile on my face, “Hmmmm, morning…!! I don’t know how to tell you this… But someone came into my house & fucked me this morning… And I fucking came so hard & loved it. But I want to be honest with you. I even sucked his dick & rubbed my clit on his leg while doing it… Cos he made noises that really turned me on…” He laughs & says he’s ok with that. I tell him that I am so thankful for the surprise fuck & that I love him so much, I say that I am in the best mood & he says that he is too. We both admit to eating Hungry Jacks on the way to work. He says that it would have just been a call if he didn’t have a key but because he had it & had the time, he thought that he would come see me. I fucking love that I gave him a key! He said he was worried about my dogs killing him – which they wouldn’t do but they know him enough to know he’s safe & not a threat.

When we talk about how we still surprise each other, I say that I am still learning about this girlfriend thing, “It’s one thing Boyfriend did say to me, I may have told you before. That I don’t know how to be a girlfriend cos I hadn’t done it before…. So sometimes, I may need your help… And why I self sabotaged before cos I just assumed I wasn’t capable of it.” I mean I am 43 at this point in my life, I have never really done this before, I have no fucking idea what I am doing as a girlfriend… Am I doing it right?!  He knows better than I do what it takes, “I think you do a fuckin amazing job being a girlfriend. I love how thoughtful you are with lunch , and bringing snacks and stuff. I think you are better than you think or realize. And the stuff you think that makes you weird is not …. Just the little things like wanting to cook for me or have Pepsi Max for me. You are capable of being a girlfriend and don’t need any help. I can’t help but love you even more because of it.” I mean I know I am thoughtful, so perhaps that is being a good girlfriend – anticipating his needs, he doesn’t know he has. Not in a repressed way, but in a way that I want to do things for him. He says the only thing I need help on is not making everything about sex – which is true. That is because I don’t get to see him enough to not want sex with him, so I always want sex until we get to see each other every day, I am always going to want sex when I see him – which is maybe once a week. But I also do it because it keeps a distance between us. I have admitted that he is my boyfriend & my guard is down so far, that this man has the power to destroy me…. I say to him, “We really have jumped off the page with a real face to face friendship & relationship.” He agrees & says that we are so honest & connected… That I feel like I need to confess some crazy – not crazy i hate that I used that word but a little unhinged for me perhaps, “So in the spirit of honesty… I feel like I need to share some crazy with you… 🫤”

As you all know, I don’t online stalk anyone, when I do it never goes well, so I just avoid it, but yesterday Phoenix shared a picture of himself at his mum’s birthday lunch, because he was asking if he should dye his beard as he thinks it’s too grey & he looks older. I knew his wife didn’t go to this lunch, but there is a chubbier women in the picture with him, so who the fuck is she?! Or was this a picture at the birthday dinner later that week & it is his wife? She looks familiar but I don’t think it’s his wife or what I know of his sister… But I don’t really know what either woman looks like, “So yesterday you shared a pic of your beard, sitting next to a chick. I thought surely he’s not sending me a pic of him & his wife… As she’s blocked I couldn’t see her pics – I thought it was your sister but I had to know… So I looked for your mum, cos I remembered her name but couldn’t remember your sisters name or what your bro had his name on FB cos I know it’s not surname… Anyway, I found your mum, found the pic was your sister & stopped being a fucking stalker. But today, your whole family came up as suggested friends… I’m happy to block them if you want me too – just didn’t want you to see them if you ever see my FB suggested fronds & think WTF… 😳 Would’ve just been easier to ask if it was your sister…. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t want to seem jealous…” Fucking Facebook keeps suggesting his whole family as people I may know, fuck… Will I come up on their page if I don’t block them? He says that I should have just asked him & he would appreciate if I block them, he asks why I think he would send me a picture of him with another woman, but then offers to send me a picture of his wife, if I want it… Do I want it?! Am I ok with that? If I was his wife & he was sending his mistress pictures of me, that would be worse to me than actually having a mistress!!

I mean I really don’t know what she looks like, every picture I saw of her was drastically different from the previous one, he reckons she’s blonde but I remember a photo where she was very brunette, another one was brunette with blonde streaks, only her wedding photo she was platinum blonde so I would probably walk right into her & not realise. “Surely you compared yourself to her when you saw the wedding photo. I just don’t get why the fuck you didn’t just ask me !” I don’t think anyone compares themselves to a bride, no matter who they are, which I didn’t, she looked beautiful & the other photo I remember she had really nice lips & smooth hair, but do I want him to send me a current photo, I don’t know. He says that his wife compared herself to me, of course she did, what woman doesn’t compare themselves to the mistress. I had no reason to compare myself because he told me all the time he found me more attractive than her, I was curious about her, of course, but I wasn’t curious for a comparison… Particularly since he chose her over & over again, despite what he says about my looks or his feelings for me, so it would probably be more depressing than reassuring. Honestly, I care more about our personalities – I compare that more than I compare our looks or bodies… However I do have one thought about the woman in the photo, the fact I am way smaller than her & can see why Phoenix likes me. “Haha my wife is def not that big. You guys are similar but she’s always bigger than uou like in the gut area, your body is so much better. She’s obviously lost a lot of weight in the last 3 months but you are still smaller.” I don’t know why but similar is not at all what I want to hear being she’s on Ozempic.

It’s interesting, he comes back online & says he’s drinking wine, I ask why because he’s told me he doesn’t drink or like wine, but his wife had a bad day & decided to have a glass so he’s drinking it with her but pairs it with a photo of his gaming area playing games. So she’s home, awake & drinking wine with him but he’s online chatting to me? RIGHTIO! I thought he couldn’t chat in her presence?! Maybe he only chats around her when they’re not having sex! Though he tells me that he hasn’t showered yet & his cock is still covered in our cum, which makes me oddly smug. I do mention that I am going to have to tell him now when I have my period so when he sneaks in again, he’s not disappointed, but he says that he would be ok just hugging me, but he says he won’t be able to do it often – which I get but just need to keep him informed, I would hate if he got here at 5:00am again & I had to say that I have a tampon in. We turn ourselves on so much that we are sending each other videos of us both cumming, even though only a few hours earlier we were fucking in my bed… It’s a nice way to end a day where I have been so happy, no fights, despite admitting what a fucking stalker I am!

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18 April 2025 – The next day, given it’s a Friday & he can’t talk to me when she’s home – except when he’s in bed with her or he’s drinking wine with her, of course – other than that, he must be offline when she’s home! Fuck, it fucks me off but anyway, we talk about sex positions today & then discuss rimming. I haven’t ever really been into the idea of giving but I’ve had it done once or twice which I was too self-conscious to relax & enjoy it. I know that Phoenix’s wife has done it to him when she was super kinky for five minutes but never again, I want to do it to him & he wants to do it to me, so we discuss how this would happen. I watch some rimming porn, I mean I know it would be easy for him to rim me, but might be harder for me to rim him & I do not want to know what position they did it in…

I get some pretty sad news about my friends dad who was killed in a truck accident, I tell Phoenix but he just kind of says that he didn’t hear about it because of his Facebook algorithm doesn’t show him news anymore & that’s about all he says about, okay then. The topic just moves on to our lunch date set for tomorrow, which is Easter Saturday – he’ll finish work & I am planning on making a little charcuterie platter & take a picnic blanket, we’ll hang out & just have a sexless date at the beach again. He then sends me two memes that remind him of me, which the first one I had saved that day myself. The other one is because he’s talking about my cunt juices dripping into his ass crack, I suggest that I lick it up & of course he says “Shhhh IBD4U, I’m hard!” Hahaha. That was my goal.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Setting the scene…

Bonus post for the long weekend!

15 April 2025 – It’s been 50 days since affair 3v2.0 commenced & including today’s date, we’ve had seven sexless dates & six sex dates. That is more than we’ve seen each other in the last year! This conversation we have is very interesting, because I feel like after only 50 days he now already setting up his pull back move. I don’t know when it’ll be, but I know it will happen, I have no doubt about it, no matter what shit he is spouting about loving me, taking me for granted & missing me – wanting me in his life, it will happen. I say that I am happy with what we’ve got going on right now, so he sets it up, “What happens if I go off-line for a week though? And things get tough mentally for you? Or if you go out and get drunk and meet a hot single guy and your vagina thinks for you? Or some old friend you slept with turns up on your door step ? Because once you say something… You have to mean it, regardless if you can justify your actions , which I think you can… my opinion, not yours too….” But let’s be honest, I haven’t fucked anyone in two & a half years & he was barely talking to me so what makes him think I will now? It hits me that he doesn’t trust me & probably never will… I tell him that I will be 100% loyal to him & I mean it. But after 50 days of constantly spouting how much he wants to have me in his life & missed me, he is now setting himself up so that he won’t always have to chat like this… “I won’t go completely but can’t guarantee all day convo for a whole week… it will happen or may happen where I can’t talk to you much. The second I became hyper focused on my job during first affair at the other store and really had to work hard, you went out of your way fucked someone , and it was someone from the chat app which we agreed you weren’t going to do, is one example.” No it wasn’t that he started at the new store that made me fuck someone else, it was his disregard of me & me trying to justify to myself that he meant nothing to me so it didn’t matter that he treated me like shit. “I don’t expect all day & you haven’t chatted all day but they only time we’ve had issues is when you don’t communicate about what you’re doing & that was when you & her both had a fairly set roster… Now I have no clue when you’re at work, when you’re available… So that’s the only time I will have an issue is if you haven’t told me & I just assume you’re ghosting me & fucking her… 🤷🏼‍♀️“ We just have very different ideas of how he should communication given our situation. “Well my availability will be spotty every Friday. Do you want to know how often we have sex ?” Well Dur, thanks captain obvious.  “Yeah I know that about fridays… But like I said, unless you tell me, I just have to guess why your not chatting… Was easier when you were at the other job, now I have no idea with your work… Not really… But go on…” Fuck I do not want to know about their sex life… “Once a month max. It’s not very often… So don’t be thinking I’m fuckin her everytime I’m off-line. Or disappear. Sometimes less … Bit hard when you have older kids and I’m not a night owl and she hates morning sex too, like most older couples with kids do it Sunday mornings for some odd reason (she won’t do it in the morning) I’m falling asleep every night att 9pm… used to be like 10pm before chatting to you lol. Now I fall asleep and my body wake me up to chat to you cos I can haha. I struggled last night haha. And as you know…she also likes her sleep at night too. My son is 11 and awake most nights haha. And it’s been like that for a few years BTW, it’s not a recent thing.” He sends me a screenshot of his roster, to see if that helps… I don’t know if it will because I don’t want to be the fucking crazy girlfriend tracking where he is & I just want him to tell me when he’s going to be offline, that’s it. It’s simple. I don’t need his roster if he can communicate that he’s going offline & won’t come back all day/night. I’m not asking much. In fact it’s the only thing I have ever asked of him in eight years, something that he is physically incapable of doing.

We say that we both don’t want to get hurt or hurt each other, so he says, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” I hold my breath as I wait for his reply to my response, “I never wanted to hurt you….  Well, I want it, but if you don’t, tell me now… We can just be friends.” But he says “No I want it. I have always wanted it. It’s one sided though…  I will try and give you everything I possible can… Message you when I can, see you when I can see you. Meet you for lunch … Make you cum more than once a month 😛 I want it. I’m just nervous … You are more than a friend to me. And I’m glad you now officially recognise me as more…” It’s definitely not one sided, but this conversation has made me nervous too because he will back off & he will blame being busy or some other bullshit about why he couldn’t come online – even though he can message me while lying in bed with her, he’ll forget that he’s done that, multiple times & will use her as an excuse to push me away… I know he will, it’s only a matter of time, he’s done it to me twice before. But I don’t want to hold anything back this time, it will hurt the most when it’s over, “But I am trying to make more of an effort, and be appreciative of what you do for me. I also want more phone calls, I love talking to you on the phone 😛 Somehow we always have phone sex tho if it’s the morning haha. You can’t help it you dirty horny bitch 😛”

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16 April 2025 – Our conversation continues & I think it’s important to reflect on this because he says that I went ‘bat shit crazy’ which led to the end of affair two, not taking any responsibility for why I ended it, of course. I don’t think I was bat shit crazy, I personally think I handled it very well, I went to his gym, realised that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, he wasn’t the person I thought he was either & so I ended it. He says I made it easy for him & he took it as a sign. I don’t think that’s bat shit crazy to end it with a man who was telling me how much he loved me but was pulling away & using another woman on the chat app to publicly make a fool out of me, then finding out he got married four days later – making a fool out of me again by not telling me himself. He’s lucky that’s all I did!! Who’s really the crazy one?!

“It’s okay to be human and go crazy , especially for our situation and that scenario, you had declared your love for me…. and you were trying soooo fucking hard …. I lapped it up, I fucking loved it, but due to the circumstances I wasn’t giving you much back… not intentionally but it was circumstances, and it upset you and drove you crazy I wasn’t.” How embarrassing he saw I was trying so hard, yet it didn’t make a difference… It’s also the first time that Phoenix acknowledges his part in the end of affair two. There are so many emotions with this conversation & this relationship with Phoenix, “No it drove me crazy that you were also spouting your love for me, then start pulling back & not logging on at all… Its why I’m so apprehensive about this time because it’ll just take one thing, you’ll be able to justify due to your ‘circumstances’ why you pulled away leaving me wondering why & leave me one choice but to end it before I go completely mad. Then in a few months time when you’re bored again, you’ll come back online & I’ll find out your having another baby or something…” I know that this will be exactly how we end, I have no doubt in my mind that he will do this to me again when some major event happens, he’s already setting up my expectations for when he does pull away… Maybe he already knows his upcoming event?!

“I didn’t think you would go mad… Just thought you would put up with it. Never thought you would end it with me. At that point I didn’t think you were capable of it. I sure as fuck wasn’t capable of it.” Well I think we need to stop saying I will go mad or crazy, because it was pretty sane if I hibezt, but anyway, I reply, “I will go mad… I won’t handle another Phoenix love bomb few months for you to pull away & justify it by saying ‘you’re so busy & you chat when you can.” He asks if I will go mad & I tell him to calm down, “Rest easy that I will just go silently crazy. But there will be no going back tbh.” It will be it. I also know that. I won’t be able to restore what he breaks next time he pulls away too far. I have boosted his ego for eight years, if he pulls away, I will not beg for his time ever again… I won’t do anything to destroy his life, I will think it, I might write about it, but I would never blatantly do anything to jeopardise his stupid life. I don’t want him because shit hit the fan & he got kicked out, I want him because he chooses to leave & wants to be with me.

“It killed me you broke up with me… that I had driven you to that point … I was stubborn. And also took it as a sign from the universe or something. I was never going to end it …” What to get married? Yeah cos you’re so fucking scared of being alone & wanted to keep talking to Cowboys Mistress without me in your way! “Anyway.. How the fuck. Are we still friends ? How the fuck do we still have feelings for each other? Makes no fuckin sense. Why do I never want to lose you from my life? 😕 How do we recover from all those things … You say you’re a stubborn person … So why do we always become friends again?” Yeah I have no idea… I really don’t! As I said before I will not put in any effort to keep things going if he pulls away, I have to have some dignity left, right?! I know it seems like all my walls are down but I can feel a brick or two retaining wall starting to form. He’s told me before that it was all because of me that we still talk & that’s true, I always put in more effort than he does. But I hang on every word he says & pray to the god that I don’t believe in, that what he says about never wanting to lose me from his life is actually true & he will fight to keep me in his life!!

I call bullshit to saying he took me ending it as a sign to get married, if I hadn’t of ended it, he still would have got married, I’m letting him spin me bullshit about missing me but this is not bullshit I can take… He was getting married no matter what, they’d obviously been planning for at least a year, let’s not forget how scared of being alone he is, he says “No I had no plans to stop it … but I didn’t think you would come back in my life declaring your love for me. And didn’t think I would fucking love it as much as I did … And still loved you… It was so good to see you put your guard down with love and feelings… I lapped it up … loved it… I never thought you capable of that …” I was so vulnerable thinking that it was what made him choose her the first time & it got me nowhere so what was the point? He lapped it up – not reciprocating as much & tossed it aside, all for a marriage with someone who doesn’t care about his hobbies or anything he has to say & for the sexting with Cowboys Mistress… He says he made me feel loved – for a time & yes he did, when he could be bothered putting in the effort,i felt loved but I felt disrespected more than I felt love. But as soon as he pulled away due to his ‘circumstances’ citing that he is busy, I realised that I was out on a twig by myself & that’s why I question & have questioned his love for me. & if I am honest, why I question his intentions with A3v2.0. I still don’t understand his intentions!!

We are in dangerous territory about all of this, that I just don’t want to keep hashing it or think about the day that he pulls away until I am left with no choice but to end it with him, so I say “Wanna hear something else creepy I just realised… ⚠️Teenager girlfriend alert.” Of course, he says yes, “Your mobile number is 805 – mine is 803 & both end in a 5.” He says that dumb, I just keep saying they’re matching, he then asks for my number. I know he had it in a fake email account that is now long gone, so I ask where he is even going to save it, but he usually calls me on snapchat, so I don’t know why he needs it, but I want him to have it! He’s blocked on everything under his real account, I only have this fake snapchat account so this gives him a way to contact me – maybe…

As we’re chatting & talking about our date at Victor Harbor I say, “It was a perfect day for me… Even without a cute outfit, no makeup, no lashes… It was the best to feel truly cared for… You are my favourite person to hang out with. We talked the whole time, even after chatting all day & night… And it just flowed easily, feeling so natural & like a real couple. I loved it. & will remember it forever… I wish we took a pic though…. I hate we don’t have a pic together…” I am sad that after all this time we have no pictures together, at all… He surprises me by saying that we should take a picture next time, I ask if he’s afraid that I’m going to try to blackmail him with it but he knows I download the security footage, then he says “And to think I was nervous to even suggest a day out with you.”

He asks for another teenager girlfriend experience, I try to make something of our licence plates, but there isn’t anything there. I tell him that his birthday is on the 7th & mine is on the 8th – different months but the dates are in consecutive order… He says that he never thought I would be like this, embarrassing myself but then he says he doesn’t mean that & meant that he didn’t think I would be this vulnerable. “Kinda weird seeing this super strong independent woman be vulnerable to me, someone I have know for a long time like that.” The next one I give him is just dumb, I ask him if his favourite food is ribs which he says yes, so I tell him that we both have ribs. He asks if I have been drinking & I laugh. I just think some weird shit sometimes!! Hahaha. I say that I’ll dial it back a bit & he says “No. Please don’t  It’s nice seeing you with all your guards down….”

He asks me how I feel about holding hands now when I say something about holding his hand first, I say “It’s funny, cos holding your hand – maybe this is an ADHD thing… But the shopping centre is all noisy, I see people, but then we hold hands & I don’t notice the noise, I don’t notice people… You calm me.” It’s like a movie, where the scene change & it’s all silent, then he says “That’s love. BTW 😉” Oh fuck… He says that he’s getting sleepy “I literally fall asleep. But love you so fuckinf much. And just want to keep taking to you. For aslong as I can. And miss you. All the time. Think about you when I’m not chatting to you.” He organises a early morning phone call & we say goodnight & I go to a blissful happy sleep that everything is right in my relationship with my Boyfriend!

#IBD4U

April 2025 – ⚠️Teenager Girlfriend Alert

14 April 2025 – We chat a lot today but nothing really worth writing about – I’m trying to skim stuff! Hahaha, that’s not going well is it?! We haven’t seen each other for a week & I am sad about that & missing him, he finally admits that he misses me too which makes me smile like a dipstick. He offers up lunch tomorrow when he finishes at his hospital appointment, which I don’t understand how he’ll be able to come see me after, won’t his wife be with him? I mean I know I have just gone to the appointment to get my stiches out alone but I am alone, I don’t have a proper partner to go with me, despite calling him my boyfriend, but I would expect that going blind in one eye would warrant a wife coming to the hospital with you… Apparently not. He says that for my appointment he would have had to cancel anyway because his wife is home sick because she’s upped her Ozempic, so lucky he bailed yesterday anyway. I tell him that I would have come with him to his appointment if he had of told me that he was going alone. He says that I work full time & can’t just go, but I would have through up some excuse or called in sick. He also decides it’s a good time when I am feeling (& he knows it) fatter than ever, that his wife has lost 15kgs on Ozempic, that she’s always sickest on Mondays after injecting on Fridays & gets migraines… He says she even came home one Monday that he fucked me & he only got home a few minutes before her… Dude, she calls in sick Mondays cos she doesn’t want to work till 9:00pm, not because she’s sick! She has always used Mondays as her call in sick day or days when he is off.

While I am struggling with my weight – as always but I have put on about 13kgs in this fucking job because I hate it so much, I just eat shit all day, I say, “Yeah loving hearing that… Just another woman skinnier than me… Don’t say I’m sexier cos I don’t care.” I know what he is going to say to reassure me, but what he doesn’t get is that it’s not reassuring, I work so hard at the gym – yes I am eating shit lately but I just feel awful, “IBD4U… I’m not attracted to her body 😐 Her gut is like twice the size of you. And looks like a brain. You are soooo much sexier. Her tits are saggy and gross … Yours are firm and amazing. And you have a sexy firm ass. Your body is soooo much better. I wish you didn’t compare your weight to others …” First if he’s not attracted to her, how does he fuck her? Second, why would you want to stay with someone you’re not attracted to & are telling someone they are saggy & gross? I get he says he loves her, but can you imagine having a man talk about you to his mistress or anyone like this? I say that I don’t care, I am sick of everyone getting on injections or having weight loss surgery when I work so fucking hard at the gym & never lose weight or feel smaller… I know muscle weighs more than fat but I never feel better! I say that I have to lose about 15-20kgs & he says, “No way, less, 10kg Max. You are a fucktard. After fuckin 8 years you still think you need to lose extreme amounts of weight. I see nothing changes with you 😛” I wish I could see myself through his eyes, but fuck I do have about 20+ kgs to lose. I ask how much she weighed when she started Ozempic, he says 97kgs, which means if she has lost 15kgs, she currently weighs less than me! He also adds “I asked her what our wedding song was… didn’t go down well haha! And she didn’t tell me … Have to work it out for myself apparently.” Well that was a dumb fucking thing to ask her… Knowing how much music means to him, she should file for divorce just based on that!!

As we’re talking about sleepy sex & if he was up at 4:30am & woke me up with his stupid tv, he’d have to fuck me or I would be so angry, that I remember what I have been doing lately that I don’t think I’ve told him about, “Also, wanna hear a weird ‘toy’ I had been using… Haven’t used in a while actually might have to get it out…” He of course says yes & while I feel a bit weird about telling him now, I know that nothing I say to him about sex will be weird, “Well it’s not a sex toy, per se… A make-up brush… Like a soft fluffy one… Makes me cum just from lightly brushing my cunt… After teasing my legs & tummy & lips…” he says that he hasn’t seen anyone use a brush before so I send him some porn to watch to give him an idea, he says that he wants to do it to me & I would fucking love him too. I tell him that I want to use it on him & he says that he wants that too.

As we’re talking about some sex we had, I say that it was super hot & sexy & he says “You are super hot and sexy.” Which makes me smile & blush. When I say “You are my super hot & sexy BF & BFF.” & then I think he needs new acronym BFBFF. When he says “Best friend boy friend fuck fish.” I literally lose my shit laughing, fuck fish!!! OMG that is so funny!!! I tell him that I am going to use that now anytime he is snippy with me. “Hey Fuck Fish. I love you so much. BFBFF. You are my fucking weakness… Who am I?! Making up acronyms…” I don’t know who I’ve become really… I mean if this doesn’t scare him off, I don’t know what will! “Like I’m a teenager… Hahaha. But tbh… I haven’t really had boyfriends that I did this shit with so…. Strap in lad, cos you’re in for a ride…. 🤷🏼‍♀️ How teenage I can be?? Write our initials on my pencil case. Hahaha I can do out compatibility percentage… Hmmmm, what did we do… “ I google how to do the percentage thing, his shortened name & surnames got us 95% saying ‘your love burns hot as the sun, blazing through the vastness of space and searing itself into your being’ but his full first name & surnames got us 75% saying ‘Good enough. Might as well check love off your list of things society believes you should’ve accomplished by now’, with all three of our names we got 19% saying ‘Your love is like that which a parent with a newborn baby feels for sleep – distant and beyond consideration’ & the shortened version of his name with our middle & surnames got us 15% said the same as the last one. Fuck it just kept getting worse!

⚠️ Teenager girlfriend alert – is my new thing I do with him. I know he will think I am getting too close & he might pull away, he’s said he’s never going to end it multiple times, but he will pull back until I do. But to my surprise, every time I think up something lame, he laughs or says I’m cute or that I surprise him with my vulnerability… Um, not quite the reaction I was expecting but he has surprised me this whole time so I don’t know… I would have been like this before if I knew I could… I held back so much to protect myself… I then google our star sign compatibility –Encouraging Spontaneity: The Capricorn man’s typically reserved nature may initially conflict with the Leo woman’s desire for spontaneity. However, as she encourages him to be more expressive, he begins to enjoy the excitement of being open. The combination of his grounded nature and her passionate energy creates a unique and exhilarating intimacy. Relationship Insights: This section emphasizes the importance of understanding each other’s motivations to enhance their sexual connection. It describes how the Capricorn man’s stability allows the Leo woman to express her desires, while her enthusiasm motivates him to be more engaged. With patience and mutual respect, they can build a deep bond that honors both their differences and similarities. He says that he doesn’t really believe star signs & neither do I but as a teenager girlfriend, that is what I would have done. I say “You are my 95% BFBFF! Fuck Fish. The other 5% is all yours too…”

As we start to say goodnight for the evening as he’s taking ages to reply & I am feeling like he’s either sleepy or not interested, but I still sign off by saying “I love you my hot BFBFF. You’re my favourite person xxx” then he asks me “Would you really have come with me to the hospital?” I say that of course I would have & I still could still call in sick tomorrow, he says “How cute. I fuckin love you. Goodnight IBD4U.”

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15 April 2025 – The next morning as we’re chatting pretty much about my G spot, being a little flirty, I ask “Do you ever wonder if two parts of the human body have ever fitted so well? Like ours were made for each other?” An infuriating reply is that he thinks I am like that with everyone which he knows is not fucking true as he takes great pleasure in reminding me that some men didn’t even make me cum & now he’s read my blog & knows that to be true! I respond, “No I am not like that with everyone you fuck fish.” & he says that makes him laugh every time, just as it did me, I don’t want to fight about my blog.

He has his hospital appointment & he can’t message me much & I wish that I just took the fucking day off & went with him! For the first time ever, I despise her. How awful letting your husband go to an eye appointment by himself knowing he might not be able to see after it due to drops they put in & also knowing he is scared of medical stuff. Stop taking fucking sick days because you’re injecting yourself with Ozempic (I’ve been on Ozempic before, yeah I felt sick but I never once called in sick or slept all day because of it!) & maybe you’d be able to be there for your husband when he needs you!

He gets the shopping centre near my work & we meet for lunch at the bakehouse. We both get a breakfast meal, I love an all day breakfast. He sists opposite me but then changes & sits next to me. I touch him as much as I can & tell him that I should have come with him to the appointment. I love that I have no inhibitions now for public displays of affection. When we are sitting close he is whispering things in my ear, the one thing I remember is when he calls me his girlfriend that it makes me so wet & squirm in my chair, that I want him so much. But I want my boyfriend to know that he is not just sex to me & I can resist him. Intrusive though time – every now & then now, with these dates, I hope that someone he knows does see us & he gets caught, I always kick myself that I wouldn’t touch him in Hungry Jacks when we met for the first time during affair two. He lied about who I was when his brother in law told his sister, but if I was holding his hand or sitting next to him, there would be no way to explain that away…  But no one sees us, not even anyone from my work. When we walk back to his car, we are kissing & touching, but no sex… His dick is hard against me, then when I touch it, I realise it’s fucking huge & poking out of his shorts. Fuck I want sex with him but I love that we are having sexless dates… Why I am so torn about my desire to fuck him & my desire to show him that he is just not sex to me?!

Later that afternoon, right on cue, Phoenix starts talking about my blog, after such a great date & right before he has to go offline “I always wanted to be special to you. So the only thing I did when I read your blog was look for things that made me not feel special …. Like I know you love me, never got over me , etc. I just wanted some special things with you.” OMG he is talking about Rob Rob just so you know but fuck me, if this guy read my blog & doesn’t think he’s special to me, then I have literally no fucking clue what I can do to prove it to him!! He says I lied about it, but that’s not true, I just didn’t tell him about it – just as he didn’t tell me he was sexting with Cowboys Mistress, while she actively &  publicly made me look like a fool, while they had a laugh about it privately & sent their addresses, setting up their fuck date! Rob Rob didn’t even know who he was on the chat app…

I am sick of this fucking conversation & I am pissed now writing about it, that I didn’t say anything about Cowboys Mistress – but I was too busy pumping up his ego instead of saying ‘YOU DID WAY WORSE THINGS YOU FUCK FISH!!!’ but instead, I say “Well, everything before BF & GF doesn’t count… So we wipe the slate clean!” I try to lighten the subject, but he says “Us meeting is important. Our first affair is important. Me Changing you as a person and making you feel loved is important. You madly declaring your love for during our second affair is really important to me. You being so madly in love with me that you went bat shit crazy and broke it off with me. Is important to me. There is no clean slate. You were never mine. You have never done anything wrong. There is no slate…” Hmmm, well then! “You did nothing wrong, I was just a retard and thought some things were special to me that were not… and assumed you felt the same way based on things you told me. It scares me and you know it does … Our situation sucks … I don’t expect all of you. 😐But fuck, I do deeply love you …” Maybe he sees that it was his perception, not what actually happened that is why he’s so upset about it?!

I say to him, letting my vulnerability out a little, “It scares me how much I love you… Especially since I don’t know what love is really…” but he says I do know, “You know what love is. Love is when you are with someone and it makes you happy. Like nothing else matters. Love is when you find comfort in someone, or that feeling of wanting to share everything with them. Its a warm fuzzy feeling you can’t shake. It’s constantly thinking of them. I know you love me. Because I feel it… And if you cant sense it with me… Your fuckin cooked. And you fell in love with me during our first affair. Not only does your blog prove it. But the emails you sent to me post affair do too.” Oh I know he loves me but if he thinks that what love is, we have it, & I realise that he doesn’t love his fucking wife! You can’t be truly happy with someone that you have to hide half your personality with…

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Wedding Song

Bonus post for the long weekend!

11 April 2025 – After the fucking crazy conversation yesterday to then becoming boyfriend & girlfriend last night all I get is ‘good morning’ in the morning. I ask if that’s it & he says “Give me a second to wake up weirdo girlfriend.” Which makes me smile like a fuckwit. I tell him that, “I haven’t thought if myself single for a long time… You giving me the bracelet kinda made me realise…” I’d rather know now than later if he is going to ghost me. He says he wouldn’t ghost me over that.

Our conversation is light & easy today – he is telling me about him watching porn & jerking off quickly yesterday morning & his cum hitting him in the face, I think that’s hot but he doesn’t like his cum & he talks a lot about the way I keep making him rub my clit lightly when we fuck, over & over so I cum a  few times. I get turned on so I jerk off & video it for him, but say something about his soft dick – he covers it up a lot around me & I’ve never really seen it soft or really paid attention to it soft because of how conscious he is of it but he says, “Na it’s ok. I’m your boyfriend now. You should see it soft.” A couple of things, this surprises me a lot… As if he’ll let me see it because he says he covers it up at home & the other thing, does this mean his wife gets to see if soft?! That makes me sad to think that…

I send him a pic of me sucking my fingers after sending a cumming video, I am wearing my glasses because I can’t see my phone without them anymore & he says that he likes me glasses, “I don’t know why but I thought about Cumming on your face with glasses haha.” Oh he can 100% do that… He hasn’t actually cum on my face that much, maybe once or twice. I know his wife let him do it once, which I try to push from my mind. “I can’t believe saying we are girlfriend and boyfriend turned you on so much.” Well I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 18 years. He says that Max called me his girlfriend, I say “Good on him…. He wasn’t my boyfriend.”

I don’t know why, because we are having a good conversation for the first time in a while, but I ask about their wedding song. Music has been our thing, we listen to lyrics in songs & think of each other, so I want to know what they played at the wedding. If it’s a shitty cheesy song I can be smug that it’s tragic & a total cliché – I also feel like I will know if he picked it or if he helped or if it’s all her… (maybe like when Big married Natasha – the idiot stick figure with no soul on Sex & the City – Carrie knew that Big picked the music.) But if it’s a song that I would pick, I am going to be so hurt & upset, however I need to know because I also do not want that song on my play list, especially when I see him.

When he says he doesn’t remember, I call bullshit! BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! What a load of shit. For someone who shares songs with me, telling me he’s never thought of love songs & didn’t think of me, telling me the most random songs that he thinks of me with, from someone who really looks at lyrics but somehow he can’t remember a song with the woman he supposedly loves & married?? He says that they had generic music at the wedding, & he really can’t remember what the song is, he asks if he should ask his wife, which I think will go down like a lead balloon but it’s his grave, I guess. I don’t believe this for one second that he doesn’t know one fucking song from their wedding. He says that they didn’t have any of the songs he thinks of me in or any papa roach songs, but he can’t remember. Again he’s overcompensating, “I wouldn’t hide it from you , despite what you think. It’s something I would be honest with you about. I don’t have the same songs in my head for you than I do with her. Your the one that is always in my head for a love song. So I must love you more. And it’s been like that for 8 years. Even while we are not talking, or even while we have just been fucking 🤷‍♂️. I actually can’t remember.” So that makes no sense to me, why wouldn’t you marry the person you love the most? I say I don’t believe him, but on reflection he would’ve just rubbed it in my face like he always does & no doubt he would have probably sent me a YouTube link to the song they had – he doesn’t spare my feelings ever so I guess he wouldn’t on the song either… But I call bullshit & he just keeps saying he doesn’t remember so I say ok, he doesn’t reply so hours later when it’s time for bed, I say goodnight, he says night & that’s it…

---

12 April 2025 – I sleep like shit, pissed off about the fact he just doesn’t care if I am annoyed or not. He just thinks I don’t believe him so doesn’t talk to me, “I’m so fucking annoyed. I missed chatting to you last night. And you purposely held off thinking I had been holding off. I don’t fucking remember the songs for the wedding. So think what the fuck you want. It’s also fucking frustrating how we can go from one night announcing that you no longer consider yourself single and telling each other we are boyfriend and girlfriend. To not talking at all!!! Grrrrrr.” Well I said ok, he said nothing else, I was pissed off, I am not making it right, I am done trying to make him feel better when I am annoyed. “Well you annoyed yourself cos you didn’t try & talk about anything else…” I say that he would have done the same thing which he agrees “I would of done the same. But would of started a new subject. And stupidly tried to keep a chat going with you. You are more stubborn than me. But sometimes And less stubborn than you used to bw. But sometimes. You are still a stubborn bitch. And I’m a stubborn dick.” I say that he barely talked all day & then got nothing much at night that I just figured he was busy & I wasn’t going to try to make conversation, so bullshit he would try to start another conversation.

He says that he’s available from 8:00pm to 10:30pm every night, which isn’t true but whatever you need to tell yourself mate, “You were not talking to me. So I went along with it. I was not busy. I was being an idiot and checking my phone every 5 minutes! Being a IBD4U.” Not busy eh… Really?! ! “I can’t give you much on Fridays… I’ll try and be more open about that.. I have been telling you over the last few weeks.. Sorry. I should of told you yesterday too. I did message whenever I could I promise !” We’ve had this conversation about Fridays so many times & he says he can’t chat but then chats… But when he doesn’t tell me he can’t chat much, I barely get messages. He’s so backwards, it’s confusing… I am getting sick of waiting around. I know the pattern so I don’t expect much on Fridays anymore but fuck I wish he would communicate better & just be a little more consistent, “If kinda fucked up. I appreciate everything you have done for me the last 8 years tho. I don’t want to take it for granted again…” He still does take it for granted, that won’t ever change, he always will take me for granted as I’m always available to reply when he deems himself bored & not busy to come back online, because it’s all about him, it’s always about him, as always!

I plan in my head, as you know, Monday I am getting stiches out & thinking about an excuse for work to take the afternoon off, but if he’s not coming I won’t take the arvo off. He hasn’t said anything, his usual thing when he can’t do something, doesn’t tell me just waits for me to get pissed off that he can’t come. I ask if he’s coming & he says that he fucked up which week it was so he can’t come this Monday as he’s working till 3:00pm. I say don’t worry I’ll go on my own, not a big deal, I’m used to doing things on my own, I shouldn’t have got excited about him coming with me & planning where we would go for lunch anyway. He senses that I am upset – he says pissed but I’m not pissed, just disappointed. He sends me a photo of the stupid whiteboard with his schedule on it to prove it – which he could have just changed for the photo but that’s just my cynical side, I don’t think he is like that or would bother sparing my feelings by doing that! He said he realised yesterday & I say it’s fine but he could have just told me yesterday so I could make other arrangements. He tells me in future to give him the actual date not just the day so he doesn’t fuck up & asks to see me afterwards, which I say not to worry, it’s not a big deal, just stitches out “IBD4U…. It’s not all good. Don’t be like that… You just said no to competly seeing me basically. I genuinely care for you and wanted to go with you .. Don’t push me away.” Yeah because I am protecting myself, not because I don’t want to see him. I don’t ever want to rely on anyone because this is what they do to you, so I just keep to myself a lot. I say I am just being realistic, which is true & trying (very badly) to hide my disappointment. “I don’t want to make you feel like a fool anymore than I have. It’s not fine to give you hope when I can’t just so you know… I hate fuckin doing that to you. I don’t think it’s fine. I do my best and try hard not to ever give you false hope.” Its my own fault for being a planner when he mentions his schedule, “It’s not … I was scared on letting you down when I realised BTW… I should of said sorry to begin … I meant it … It’s my fault I shouldn’t of given you false hope.” I am just frustrated that he waits till I ask before he tells me that he can’t see me because he was scared to let me down, but makes me feel worse by him not telling me himself, I have to work it out. “I was going to say something today … Please don’t be afraid to ask me… I want to spend time with you where possible. I’m honestly sad I can’t do it.” I don’t want to dwell on this now. I am too disappointed. We barely chat & he goes out for his mums birthday dinner & guess what, he doesn’t tell me he’s going offline but then comes back after I have said goodnight to myself basically & logged off… Typical.

---

13 April 2025 – Yesterday & today I am working on the AFL gather round in a carpark, it’s boring as batshit but it’s easy money. Our conversation is pretty boring mainly about Plex & how I could do it myself but I say that he loves doing that stuff for me & he says that I love him doing it for me, which is true. I’m sad I’m so far away & can’t see him today. He’s at home until he has to work later in the afternoon, he says “I’m pretending to play a game on my hand held pc like a switch.” So she home then? He has a device he can use to message me on around her… Oh rightio then, fuckwit!! Can’t message on Fridays around her but can message when it suits him, on some device… Clearly on Fridays they have sex, this just solidifies that thought!

We talk about my blog, he is annoyed I told others about it but not him, he forgets that he is the main character & I 100% believe he would hate me & I still don’t understand how he doesn’t hate me for it, considering how much he makes me feel like shit for it, I’m sure he does hate me a little. I have been writing mainly notes of A3v2.0 because I just didn’t know what was happening, but then it turned into more of a journal… “I have a fair bit written… I was inspired to write about the beginning in A3v2.0 cos I was like what the fuck is happening… But not a proper edited blog post, mainly notes & paragraphs.” I didn’t write a lot on 2024 because there was really nothing to write about, we messaged like five times a month & saw each other for an hour & I wasn’t seeing other people. Nothing to write about really. But now there is!

He says I complained about him not giving me a kiss hello when he got in my car, I just think that after all this time, even if we both thought we were just sex to each other that we would kiss hello, which he agrees with “I’m pretty sure you we had both convinced ourselves it was just sex…” I had definitely convinced myself it was just sex. I wanted more I just never imagined he did too. We talk about our friendship & how fucked we are but I think it’s mainly because of our situation. I don’t think that we would have as many problems as we have had, because we are mostly & still are online only. In real life, like if we lived together we wouldn’t fight about a 18 hour unread message or not communicating being online, because he would be living with me…

One insecurity that I don’t understand from him is how often he says that he is not into cars or sports. I don’t know where this comes from or why he thinks I care. I tell him that my family were into ballroom dancing when we were kids so I never grew up with men liking sport & cars, I have no clue why he thinks that he needs to tell me often that he isn’t into either. I do not care. I do not care that he is into computers. He says that its interesting that we never really play with our phones around each other, but honestly, we catch up & fuck, we don’t really have time to just sit around playing with our phones. We also talk about getting close again, he says “I knew if I chatted to you properly. This would happen. I would want you more. Love you more 😐 Want more of you. The distance was there from the start because of this … We clearly have fuckin issues chatting to each other. We had two breaks , and still fell back into it.”

I had sent him the Noodle, Silverlining & Marvel ebooks because I have removed my blog from public view, he can read his story but not anyone else’s. I am sick of hearing about the other men. “It made me realise how much I loved you. Valued My friendship with you. How much I missed you. And how much I took for granted. I never thought of your pov often… I didn’t know how much of a dick you were for me,” What he doesn’t realise is that even though he is putting in effort, he still takes me for granted. He didn’t realise that I rushed home from the gym got ready to chat to him in bed all night, even though I told him that I did that, I think until he read about it that it didn’t really sink in as true. I still do it really, I wait for him to come back online all the time, he just doesn’t realise it. I don’t bother telling him because his response be to tell me not to do it… As I say goodnight, finally on a good note because the last few days haven’t been, I say “I love you so much & missed eveything we had. So I’m glad of eveything we have now. Night Hot Boyfriend.” He says he loves me & goodnight. & I sleep finally for the first time in a few days.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Relationship Status

10 April 2025 – I don’t want to keep writing about this fight or in this much detail, we should not be up to #27 Phoenix posts already & we’re still only in April. Phoenix started this at the end of February. So I should not be writing in such detail, but it is genuinely hard not to put all the quotes in & our interactions because fuck they are so frustrating… & it just makes this so much more confusing as to why he started this…

I did say back to him however “I felt entitled to all your time when you weren’t with your family, which is why I was always pissed (aka jealous) when you chat to others & not me…” I felt like he should give me his time because I was always available for him.  “I didn’t think I was entitled to anything , I was a married man having an affair with a single chick. If was up to you what you wanted to do , and although I got jealous I didn’t expect any different, and if you were honest about those friendships you had with partnered men to begin with I wouldn’t have overthought about them when I read the blog either. I entered a fwb with you knowing what you were doing. And although I wanted you to myself , and didn’t to share you once I caught feelings, I never felt entitled to it, I did feel jealous however. I also never felt entitled to your time online or availability. And it’s why I’m always made a concious decion (and still do) to not chat to you when I know your out. I did sometimes feel entitled to certain things however… I felt entitled to a key because sweeties husband had one and I was putting in way more effort than him, and he was married too, for example , despite being open, I felt like I was putting more effort in. And despite being a cheating husband … I actually wanted to be loyal to you, and it’s main the reason I didn’t fuck that chick for example. Even though I knew I could, the offer was there very easy , and I didn’t think it would affect our friendship too much.” He obviously does think he was entitled to things cos he so fucking pissed I had a friendship with J-Lo & Rob Rob, so he thinks he’s entitled to only have him as a friend…

I don’t think I ever gave this chick he mentioned before a name but remember the chick that Max kissed the night I got super pissed off at him when he hadn’t paid any attention to me all week, well that chick was good friends with Phoenix & always offered up her virginity to him (if we believe him) I will call her Rizz from now on. “Remember your old mate tbone you decided to kiss on you’re the chat app catch up night? He wasn’t single… Rizz  and him were fucking … She knew how to handle a non single guy … She also knew my name and obviously my wife. I could of trusted her … She was the one that made me realize I should shower after fucking you to get your perfume scent off me, cos he would do it …. You were the reason…. She was jealous of you … She was also willing to come to me and fuck me anytime including in a car and see me during work hours… and I can assure she made it really hard for me to resist the temptation…. Not only that but because she was fucking another non single chat app on guy that made her more appealing, at least for a once off. Turns out no men were really single on the chat app most of the time haha… It obviously how I found out you kissed him too lol. If you were wondering what happened yesterday… You said our vibe changed the night before…. I don’t think my vibe and behaviour changed…. So I went looking for things in your life that changed… I went into over thinking mode… Must of done a few hits on your blog too lol. And it made your numbers go up … Then got pissed as I saw it matched up with timeliness that jlo was fucking you and subsequently also left your life. So then I’m thinking are you still only talking to me and fucking me because he’s not. Yeah. I can be an overthinker too… I stayed up that night… Processing information in your blog … Looking to see why you thought our vibe had changed, thinking it was entirely on your end .. And apart from the first 3 months we started the 3rd affair…I always showed you I cared and listened to your problems.. So I was like wtf changed for her…. Then I thought about it the entire drive to the city ..” Well I fucking knew something was up yesterday… Fucking tool. But why didn’t I ask more questions. How did Rizz know him & his wife?! & how does he think a virgin knew how to handle a cheating man?! She wasn’t trustworthy at all, she caused drama after drama on the chat app… But the more he talks about her & Cowboy’s Mistress, I am almost certain he fucked one of them while with me & that’s where this guilt attack on me is coming from…

I don’t even know what to say “But if this is how you feel everyday, why do you even want to talk to me?? I don’t even know what to say to you… You don’t believe me anyway. You’ve read my blog, interpreted it & nothing I can say now will change your mind… So what do you want me to say? I’m the bad guy & you’re the good one…” This gaslighting is getting old… He goes & finds a quote from the blog where I say that I think that J-Lo & I would be together… But no matter what I say, he won’t listen to me now. I say that I don’t know what to say but I love him & we’re never going to get over this. He says that he’s not angry & has just been trying to explain what his mood was yesterday. Fucking long way to go to explain his fucking mood yesterday by making me feel about as small as a he possibly can & making me feel so awful I am begging him to see my side. I send a picture of me & we have so lighter conversation but I say, “You are welcome to think what you like, But I will just say this… Phoenix, you were never part of some long list of guys. You were not a backup. You were not convenient. I am still here 8 years later, still waiting around for you to message. Hanging on every word you say, because I fell for you. Not anyone else. I fell for you earlier than I ever admitted myself & because I didn’t understand the depth of my feelings, I subconsciously sabotaged it. Nothing has worked out with anyone else in the last 8 years, because YOU have my heart. You’re the only man who has truly seen me, seen my heart & seen my soul. You broke down my walls. You made me feel loved & you taught me how to love. No one else in my life or blog can compare to what you have given me. Phoenix middle name surname. I love you & only you.” I used his full name there for full effect that I fucking love him.

I notice that night looking at the chat app that we met on, which I never ever go on these days – maybe once a week if I remember, I definitely don’t chat, but I look every now & then. Phoenix has changed his profile photo from what has been there – I want to say that for a good four years he’s changed from a truck to his face. HIS FUCKING FACE! Not only does his wife know about this app, I am also on it & he’s been declaring his love for me now for a month yet again, he’s a fucking asshole. I am so angry! After this fight, I head over to my blog & unpublish it. He notices so much fucking quicker than I realise he would… “Your a fuckhead. You turned your blog to private” Yes because I am sick of fucking sick of fighting about it & now him going to find quotes is fucking next level. “You’re a fuck head. Why are you even on it?? And putting you face up on the chat app… 🤷🏼‍♀️” His response is so fucking disrespectful “Well once I start… Eh I was bored.” Bored, how the fuck is he bored… I am here all the fucking time to chat to him, fuck him, take him foo… I fucking hate that I am never enough for him. “Yeah great. Have fun chatting to the I ♥️ Phoenix club… I’ll leave you to your boredom then.” I am over this & feeling like this. He asks if I got jealous & I just say “No, chat to who ever you want to when you get bored.” I tell him to do what he wants, his usual bullshit answer for me for anything.  He says “I got bored of chat app and used it for a hour. But I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice my pic! Turns out less than 24 hours !” Well was less than two hours for him notice that my blog was unpublished. I snap, “So I’m the shitter person. I fucked half of the chat app with my smelly belly button. I had a whole line of them. Just waiting. Like the OG chick that fucked 1000 men a few months back. I am shit, I am sick of hearing it though, I don’t need you tell me how awful I am. I already know & struggle with it daily.” I think he feels bad, especially since he uses my name “You are not a shit person IBD4U. I’m sorry I made you feel like shit today.” He asks if I want to go back to how it was before he found the blog & I say no, but I want to stop talking about it & all the fucking shit things I did & what he would have done if his phone wasn’t tracked.

“I’d rather know that you put your face back on the chat app cos you’re pissed at me & searching for someone to chat to or even fuck. Than find out in a month’s time or longer that you did fuck someone else.” To which he replies that he’s taken it down, I check & he has – to a black dot. I feel like a fucking jealous needy bitch… “Don’t be stupid. You can have your face up. I’m just gonna be a jealous bitch about it. I don’t want to stop you from having your face up or chatting to people cos I’m a fucking idiot & jealous.” I mean I feel like a smug bitch that he took it down, but I am not going to admit that, when he says “Is it sad that I wanted you to be jealous?” Well I guess not, I mean we all want to know our partner is jealous & that they care about us – don’t we? He tells me that I don’t have to worry there are no women left on the app anyway… I tell him honestly that I don’t want him to fuck anyone else, but I change that to anyone else new, because obviously he’s still going to fuck his wife, when he drops a bombshell – he asks if he can fuck people from the chat app that he’s already fucked & when I say that I assume that I am it – being that’s what’s he’s told me time & time again, when he says “What happens if you are not?” WHAT THE FUCK? What a prick, I knew it… He’s lied to me all the this time… I don’t even know what to say, my heart is racing, I cannot believe this. I am so upset, what am I going to do? I mean I lied to him about people I slept with but I justify this because he has a wife… But to now find out that he did fuck someone else from the chat app is literally going to destroy this new found relationship. Why hasn’t he told me before? Why hasn’t he told me when he’s been in one of his grumpy moods when he’s being a fucking asshole about my blog? If it’s Rizz or Cowboy’s Mistress, I am going to lose my shit! I say” You did say you don’t want to lie… Do you have something to say?” When he says yes after a long pause, I am even more fucked off. I tell him to go on, really not sure what I am going to say when he tells me who. What if it was someone I really hated? Or someone I was really jealous of? I know I fucked people that he hated, but I also did it when we were over. When did he do it? When we were broken up? When they were being open?

FUCK FUCK FUCK – why is he taking so long to reply? “Well… I had this 3sum once with a chick called sweetie.”

Actual.

Fuck.

You.

BAHAHAHAHA… What a fucking twat, he had me going so badly then! Fucking jerk… I laugh at him with a huge sigh of relief & tell him that she’s a free pass & he can fuck her anytime.

But despite everything we’ve talked about, there’s a niggling feeling inside me, that’s been there longer than I admit & I don’t want to keep supressing my feelings, the feeling is that I am not single #IBD4U. This time things are different. Sure, he still has a wife, but there are poly relationships, right? Why does our unconventional relationship have to have a conventional label? But I have thought it for a while… Today is not the day for this conversation but I need to have it, I need to tell him because if we get any deeper I am not going to recover when this is over, so I need to know now if he doesn’t feel the same way. So I tell him that I mean it, I don’t want him to fuck anyone else. I really feel like I need to say this, he’s read my blog, things he didn’t know, things I thought he didn’t know but did, things I never thought he would ever know because he wouldn’t read my blog. When he infuriately just says “ok” I ask “Ok, you won’t or just ok – you’re an irrational bitch type ok?” I know I can’t really ask him to not fuck anyone else, he has a wife who he fucks, but I mean that I don’t want him to fuck anyone new he says, “Ok as in I don’t know what to say. We have never really said this kinda stuff to each other … We used to just keep it to ourselves and just get jealous.” Well this is true but maybe we shouldn’t say this?! I don’t think I had a right to tell him that I didn’t want him to fuck anyone else, he can do what he wants, he lies to her about me all the time so I can’t really ask this of him, but he says that I do have a right to ask this of him & asks if I want to know why, which of course I say yes, so he says “I consider you one of my closest friends in my entire life. And your opinion and what you want matters to me. And I love you too.”

This is it, this is where I tell him what I’ve been feeling this whole affair 3 v2.0, something I’ve wanted to say to him… He just said my opinion matters to him… I start off like he did for me when he told me he loved me for the first time, “And do you want to know the most fucked thing…” Of course, he says sure, so I say that “Hmmmm… Can’t take it back once I’ve said it Phoenix.” I don’t know if I should say it, given our situation, I start backing out. “Say it. Wait. Your fucking with me. This is going to be dumb.” I fucking hope it’s not dumb, I start to lose my nerve even more. “Hmmm, maybe it is. Fuck. Don’t worry.” But he keeps at me, that I just blurt it out -holding my breath for him to read it, “I don’t consider myself to be single anymore….” he asks really & I say that I guess that depends on his reaction… “Well. I like it. But feel bad at the sametime.” I know why he feels bad, he’s not looking to change his situation & he never will, but he asks if that’s why I gave him a key again, “I know the situation I am in, don’t worry…. But I want to consider you more than a FWB. Yeah, I wanted you to know that you are more than a FWB to me… I don’t know if we have a term we can use but you’re more than just someone I fuck. You always were, I just always kept referring to you as fwb.” I know we both don’t like labels, but I don’t feel right saying I am single, “I mean I don’t want to update my FB relationship status or tell my parents… But when I refer to you, I don’t want to say fwb” & I add that I don’t want to fuck anyone else – this has been true for almost two & a half years already & that I don’t want to date anyone else.  He says, “You have been so much more loving, and affectionate .. and open and honest with me this time. And I like it.” I have & I wish I was like this the whole time, I felt like I was always holding back because of our situation but it’s also because I am older, more relaxed – while I don’t know if it’s the ADHD meds because I’m not sure they really do anything, but they do make me less angry. “Cos believe it or not… I like our situation – don’t get me wrong I would live with you in a heartbeat of things were different, but I like chatting to you & find out how your day went, finding out your fav foods etc… I think we have a unique situation that isn’t always ideal but keeps it interesting too…” I do want him, man I fucking want him. But would it be as exciting as it is if I had him any time I wanted him? I don’t know… “So I’m your boyfriend? But official this time? But at the same time secret?” I mean it has to be a secret right? But I ask “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” & he says yes, so I ask “Do you want me to be your girlfriend…?” & he again says yes, then he adds “I don’t want to fuck anyone else either.” I smirk like a wanker… That was what I wanted from him… I tell him that I want to be his girlfriend, he asks “Like proper this time ? No side partnered dudes? Or sneaking off and having sex with single dudes on the chat app? Or having couples spank you ?” so I reply “Like proper… I am not & haven’t fucked anyone for years… Or been spanked. No tinder. No hinge. No bumble. No dates.” Not that I have been on any of those apps in a long time, well maybe 6-7 months ago but I only met one guy & didn’t even touch him. He says “I’m falling asleep. But I want you to know . I love you so fucking much. And will be thinking of you as I fall asleep,” to which I respond, “I love you Boyfriend.” It feels right to say the word boyfriend. Finally. “I love you too , err girlfriend. You sure about this?” I say that I am but am now worried he is not sure, but he agrees that he is sure about it too, I tell him that “I definitely do… I am not single. I am all yours.” I mean I always was always his. So I guess that’s how #IBD4U ends up in the relationship she’s always wanted, maybe not the conventional relationship we all know & that I dreamed of, but a Phoenix/IBD4U unconventional defined relationship…

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Part of a list

09 April 2025 – I am not looking forward to this conversation, I know that he has been dwelling on this & now waited until he is at lunch & I am in training for him to raise this with me, “So neither were in groups with you… J-lo was j low & Rob Rob was Rob something… You were never in competition in my mind with you. I get why you think you were though after reading it. You wouldn’t have known either I don’t think… they didn’t chat in groups.” I know this is going to turn into a fight & I can’t help but be apprehensive to tell him anything, not because I want to hide anything from him, but because I don’t want to get into this fight where he thinks they are his competition or that they were significant on the same level as he is. “Yeah don’t remember either but my memory is hazy of men on the chat app from that period. Considering one was allowed to degrade you and was part of your ultimate fantasy with me, and the other one had a close friendship with you , and despite both being parterned , you fucked both, you are full of shit if you think they were not.” What the fuck has he read this morning!? FUCK “Ans you fucking protected jlo identity when I asked you who told you I was married. You refused to tell who it was. You would of fucked them eventually with your terrible loyalty at the time” Oh fuck here we go! I try to defuse the subject sending a pic of how close we are from the snap maps, but he will have none of it.

He is fixated on J-Lo, “Just find it odd you protected his identity from me. Mind you, you fucked him during third affair so makes sense. You also say multiple times if he left his partner you wanted a relationship with him. So non competition my ass.” Does Phoenix not remember he is fucking married?! I’ve had competition for eight years! That he chose over me time & time again, I didn’t choose anyone over him! He knew I was single & looking for someone, so technically every fucking guy on the planet is his competition!

I send him a meme, which I have made todays heart, but he still won’t have it! “You know why it pisses me off right? Because you were always so honest about everything, but there 2 blokes you hid from me, which makes it even worse that they were both partnered and both had similar aspects of our relationship in our first affair, with their friendship with you” Why is he like this?! I can’t be messaging him today at training… Okay I don’t see it as I hid them, I didn’t tell him about every single man that messaged me… I mean I didn’t tell him that Holden & Shark messaged a lot too… Maybe I did hide them because I knew he would be jealous but he thinks they were more significant than they really were.  I don’t even know what to say to him when he is like this, “Remember I feel in love with you. Not because I ‘happen’ to but because you made me laugh, you made me smile, you made me feel sexier than ever, I felt things with you I’d never felt, your touch, your kiss. I feel in love with you because we were honest & you were genuinely interested in me, not just for sex. You talked to me every second you got about all topics….” He says that he thinks I lie about my feelings for them, I have no fucking feelings for them & never developed feelings for them. But also not in the same way I denied my feelings for Phoenix, I never wanted to talk to them every day, if they didn’t message, I never initiated conversation with them, EVER. If they didn’t talk to me that day, I didn’t talk to them at all… I didn’t care if they chatted to other women, I wasn’t jealous about anything with them at all. I have only ever been truly jealous with Phoenix.

I try to show that I am sorry for how he feels about this, ”Yeha I get it, I’m sorry I made or it’s making you feel that way. Was never my intention for it to upset you… I don’t see them as significant as you do, but I can 100% say if the shoe was on the othet foot – I would be so fucking jealous!!!” But nothing I say will help the situation “You gave him and my wife full fucking names … Cos you knew it would upset me. I’m not meant to fucking know!!!” Yeah I did, I am not going to defend that… He gave his wife my address of my forever home… But I needed to know if they got married & Phoenix should have been the one to tell me, I was fucking him right before it he said I do to someone else & he knew what date it was happening when he started affair two, so he should have fucking told me himself & then I wouldn’t of had to stalk! Not be pissed off that I got someone to look at his Facebook to confirm what I thought. He says that he pushed for me to tell him who told me he was married, but I wouldn’t tell him, he seems to think I was protecting J-Lo but I didn’t think it mattered because he wouldn’t know who it was anyway. He seems to think it’s because I am waiting for J-Lo to break up with his partner, which could not be further from the truth but no matter what I say, he won’t agree…

He still just thinks he is part of a list, a fucking list I hid from him… “I told you about the line of guys I was fucking when we met… I wasn’t fucking either of them… I chatted to so many people over the years… They were the only consistent ones & yes I ended up meeting both but just chatting to them, they weren’t something I told you about. And selfishly, I didn’t want you to be jealous & block me…” He wasn’t ever fucking part of any list. He was the god damn fucking list!! The list was one person – Phoenix. That was all I wanted, Phoenix cannot say the same about me! “Believe me, it wasn’t to hide them from you on purpose besides me protecting myself from you ghosting me. I don’t know how else to convince you… I 100% understand how you feel about it & I get your point of view… I was dishonest with you about certian things, I always thought myself trustworthy & loyal… I can justify to myself why I wasn’t at that time because of our situation but I believe I am both those things. Upon reflection, I was selfish why I didn’t tell you things & why I did thing behind your back, again cos of our situation, I could justify it didn’t matter – especially when I had instant regret about things… I wanted you all to my self. No wife. No other chicks on the chat app, the anon app, the other chat app whatever else you were on… And I didn’t get it, so I could justify that you didn’t get to have all of me… I was also afraid that when your wife found out, you would choose her, rightly so, you have kids, house etc… So I also justified it knowing I would be discarded when she did find out…” Looking back on his narcissistic, gas lighting, I don’t know why I tried so fucking hard to convince him & justify myself. He just flicks a switch & says he is over it… Fuck sake, is he bi polar?!

I take the new mood, run with it & ask about the Amazing Co picnic (https://www.amazingco.me/aus) I suggested ages ago – he says it was only weeks but weeks is ages ago to me & he says that when I can eat better then we will do it, but then he says “Fuck your cute sometimes.” I mean I’ll take it but I don’t understand why, “Because you still want to do a special cute date thing with me. And I think that is fucking cute.” Now I know he wants that that, I am ok with telling him that it’s what I’ve always wanted. I also want to prove to him that he is not part of a list, that he is the list… If he didn’t read my wedding blog post & the Papa Roach post & know that he was it… I wrote the wedding posts about him as Silverlining, during affair two. I never dreamed that at the same time of me writing that, he had planned his wedding day which was days away when I ended it, with someone else, while I was dreaming of mine to him… I wanted him, only him… I still only want him that is why we are here fucking eight years later.  He asks if I am sure if I don’t just want sex. I say that I wish that’s all I wanted…. “I love you #IBD4U. That is fuckin cute.” He’s read my blog, he has to know that he is my number one, that his is the only one I want to date. I just never thought he would want it or be able to do it. “Hmmm. It’s not cute… Don’t you want to do dates too or am I sitting out here on a twig by myself like a fucking twat??” I know he wants it too, but now he’s making me question it, “Hahaha. I’m the stupid twig that suggested them in the in the first place… I’m the one that saw an opportunity to bring it up and suggest we do it.” He mentions that during the first affair, despite telling me a few weeks ago that he hated kayaking & his wife laughed at him for freaking out when they went, that he wanted to go with me. Do you know what is so fucked. When I did it with Max, things were very new with Phoenix, but I wanted to go with him, I never knew he would have gone with me & now I’ve fucking sold them!!! I would have loved to go with Phoenix, but I figured he wouldn’t want to go in fear of looking stupid with me. We talk about a date at Hahndorf as well, something I’ve never done with anyone, he seems to know lots about it so seemingly he’s been there with his family… We say goodnight & I try to top off the evening with a sweet thought to go to sleep “I love you Phoenix. You’re my favourite person. I can’t wait to go on these dates with you.”

---

10 April 2025 – When he messages in the morning, I don’t get a rant, but I wake up to a long message, “I am glad you just don’t want me just for sex , you always came across as such a sexual person, and put sex on a pedestal, and sadly your blog magnified that to my pov, but I have always viewed you more than sex, it’s just that we have really good sex that we needed to do it every time haha. I do wonder if we didn’t have good sex if you would of fallen for me so hard though… due to how good it was … and how important sex was to you at that point in your life where you were being very experimental…. and how much you apparently needed sex or you would get angry and grumpy. Not only did you tell me this haha, you regularly wrote it in your blog.” I mean I don’t think I put sex on a pedestal, I used it as a way to get men to like me, which is not the same, “Does it really matter how we fell in love?? Like aren’t all relationships just luck of two people finding each other & not wanting to be apart?? Yes the sex was good, I wanted it & would get grumpy…. But that was also cos I hadn’t seen you, I made it about sex cos of our situation & how good it was… But I want to see you, I want to touch you, hug you, tell you when something is shit at work etc, sex obviously relaxes me & calms me down so when I’m angry, I want it but also, particularly this time around, you make me calm without sex… I’d just had a fight with a chick on Tuesday, I came out, hugged you & instantly felt better… I would have usually tried to fuck you cos that’s what we do… But I don’t need it. I want it obviously but I want you more than just sex. I always did… I just never showed it like I should have. I know cos you’ve read my blog & that’s how I felt 5 years ago when I wrote it that you think that is still my opinion… I am older, more reflective, more relaxed – mostly… That my opinion has changed, me perspectives are different, even my hope & dreams are different. I’m not the same person who wrote that blog.”

We built it on sex because of our situation, because of the limited time, I mean his phone was tracked that he would come over then rush back to the store to turn his location back on. I didn’t think he would even want to be seen with me in public, even now it surprises me. The one time we were in Hungry Jacks at the start of affair two, we saw someone he knew for fuck’s sake – his sisters partner. So I didn’t think real dates would be on the cards, I always wanted more, I was single & looking for a partner who wanted the same. “You were the main event though quite quickly. I fucked you the most & wanted you regardless what you think & what my blog says I was doing… My mind never stopped thinking of you. It doesn’t matter how we got here, what we did to each other really… We wouldn’t be this honest now if we hadn’t gone through all that… Not saying I ever want to go through that again, but I’m always a afraid to lose you but this time as an older more reflective chick, I feel like if I’m honest & you aren’t happy about it & don’t stick around, then is this the type of relationship I want? Probably not… I want an adult relationship, where I can be honest, I can be open, vulnerable, sad, happy, excited to see you… Without judgement. Without fear of being pushed away. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t slept with anyone else in over 2 years.” This is going to turn in to a fight, I can fucking sense it!

“How would you feel if there was things that you thought were unique to our friendship/relationship that turned out to be not true ? If I told you today I fucked someone else during our first affair? That you were not the first for example ? I or were not the first person I met up with?” Funnily enough I didn’t think to say it at the time, but he did have the same with Cowboys Mistress but I’m glad I didn’t because I don’t want to do tit for tat like we usually do, “I said it yesterday… I would 100% be fucked off & jealous… However I justified it cos you had your wife & I was waiting for you to end it with me, so I kept my options open… Not saying the justification was right, not saying what I did was ok… Just how I justified it in my mind… And I don’t want to do tit for tat anymore… But you had a partner, that you had a baby with & married while fucking me… So I justified eveything cos I was looking for a partner that wanted me…” I would have been so fucked off if I knew during affair two that he had Cowboy’s Mistress’s fucking address & was planning on fucking her – but she lived in Port Pirie way, so at least three hours from Adelaide, so she was geographically out, but ultimately, he had online, what he had online with me, with her….”So how would you feel if I could justify that I slept with others with the chat app during out first affair because you were sleeping with others? But you thought it it was something special and unique to our friendship and that you were only one I told you I was doing it with? And you found out today for example?” Um, is he trying to tell me something?! He says no, but I say “Well, like I said before, I would be upset, jealous, heart broken, devastated, angry… All things I felt when when I heard your relationship was open… Becsuse your wife finds out, you stay then open you relationship to get what we had… So I get how your feeling… I am just saying how I justified it. Right or wrong, it’s just what I did. That doesn’t mean I am proud of it or happy I did that. I hate that you’re feeling this way & that I made you feel anything other than the most significant person to me… Because thays what you were to me but I was was stupid because I didn’t have all of you, I didnt want to give all of me & feel like a twat…” He says that he did deserve all of me, which is true, I never had all of him. I still fucking don’t.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – The Handmaids Tale

08 April 2025 – “I may of lied to you about during this time , we were not friends at this point , we were. Barely not talking , I was being an asshole to you. I’m sorry I did that , and don’t like that it upset you last night.” He doesn’t like that it upset me but yet he chose to log off while I was feeling shit without trying to make it right, knowing I wouldn’t sleep well, “It upsets me cos this is shit I’ve held on to for fucking years, thinking how shit I am, how fucking slutty I am. Doing eveything you ever asked of me & I never get the same respect back… You wonder how I questioned that you even loved me… You wonder why I fucked eveything & did anything I could that night be outside the box eh maslins, rope, play parties.” He jut says that we shouldn’t talk about this but he keeps talking to the point that we get into a fight about what I said to his wife when he allowed her to find me on the chat app under his secondary account that he had used only a couple of days, saying I had a dig at her about holding the baby, wasn’t a dig at her, it was the truth – nothing I did was a dig at her, it was to fuck him over so she would leave him, every single thing I have done was about him, not her! I don’t even know her…  “If that’s the worst thing I did, then I’m ok with that. & you can hate me for it.” I don’t care what I said or did, I did everything he asked of me. EVERYTHING. I still fucking do… He said don’t message me, I didn’t. He said don’t call his phone, I didn’t. But he allowed her to do whatever she wanted to me, including hacking my Facebook to look at all my pictures & knowing where I live, “I don’t hate you for that. I think you did pretty well. I admire how you handled it every thing. You handled things alot nicer than I ever did …. I purposely hurt you sometimes and was way less nice… You could of done the same. I wanted you to do the same… And although you may of done things or said things to piss me off or make me jealous or whatever. You never did it in a mean way. Just the odd bitchy remark. I’m not sure what you think I lied about. Or why that lie hit you hard. I honestly thought I would protect you at all costs and tried my very best too. My children were used as leverage so some things got through… and she went through all electronics finding evidence.” I can’t believe we are still fighting about this, but I still maintain that he did not even try to protect me, he thinks he did, but regardless of his kids being used a leverage, don’t throw your mistress under the bus. Get your shit posted back, hell just let your shit get thrown in the bin, buy new stuff… You don’t bring your mentally unstable partner who just got released from hospital, who is manipulating you with your kids as pawns in this little game, to your mistresses house!! Period. He 100% didn’t protect me at all, “I did protect you as much as I could, I never gave her any numbers including your personal number, I never gave her your full name, your proper Job or company you worked for , I did give her your address but the only reason was because I had to pick up my stuff… which was only there because I was legitimately ready to leave her for you.” He wasn’t ready to leave her ‘for me’, he’d already chosen to stay with her, deleting me easily & getting kinky sex from her. He forgers that she went through his phone, found messages from him to Rory about how much he loved me & they fought. He didn’t leave her for me. He got fucking kicked out!! There’s a big fucking difference. I was the back up waiting for him like a bloody fuckwit, taking the day off work to be with him & then went back to her anyway, so what a crock of shit. If those messages were never found, he never would have been at my house that day… It wasn’t or me, it was because he had no where else to go…

Of course this has to be twisted around that I am the deceitful one, “You lied to me when you said you would stop fucking people from the chat app, you continued to do so. During our first affair. You lied to me about me being the only person to degrade you. You lied to me about nothing happening during the the chat app catch up. You regularly lied to me, quite often too. During our first affair.” Bit rich coming from a man who had a wife who he knocked up & fucked the entire time he’s known me – even now… But anyway “Fine, I’m the lying whore who got eveything she deserved.” He says he didn’t say that, I tell him to forget it. I am so fucking tired from not sleeping for 24 hours because of my mouth & because of my insomnia, as  he keeps firing me up before bed that when he logs off, I am still reeling about the conversation. He tries but I am in no mood to keep feeling like shit, “I love our super honest friendship , I love the fact that it has gotten even stronger lately and we are more honest with each other than ever.”

Our schedules aren’t going to line up this week, but I somehow have some time today so in line with the ‘I want you to tell me when I can see you’ statement, I let him know that I am free for lunch today if he wants to meet me at work, “You rarely actually ask me to see you .. But I do want you to tell me when you are free. Is 11 okay?” I say yes & look forward to his hug. I put a fake meeting in my diary & we head to a sushi train at the shops.

We sit opposite each other, as opposed to next to each other like usual when we’ve had lunch. So we make a lot of eye contact as we eat & chat. I reach out to touch his arms a lot, I rub my foot on his legs too when I get a chance. I wish I remembered the conversations better, but I remember noticing how much he looked at my cleavage & he tells me how good my tits look. I had not planned an outfit for him today, as I didn’t even know I was going to see him until I messaged an hour or so ago telling him I was free. He says later that I always say I love you when we leave each other now… I don’t want it to be a habit & I know he doesn’t want to say it all the time, but I say it when we leave each other because I feel it & I want him to know, even if he doesn’t believe me.

That night he makes a video for his Facebook page & he shares it with me. I think he’s funny in his video, he does a good job & I admit to him, “Don’t let all the chicks give you a big head how good you look! 😑 I do get jealous to you know…” Wouldn’t surprise me if he is already flirting with people on his page… When we talk about his Facebook page, I get so many messages from him telling me things about the other similar groups & the politics of stealing their posts & them stealing his. He is so fucking adorable when he gets all serious & tells me all about it. I fucking love hearing about it, like I said, I want to hear this shit, he listens to my shit about work & life, so I love that he is all passionate & writes me a million messages about the topic.

So I am sitting there minding my own business, he’s talk about hot cross buns, when he says, “If you put plex on your TV or phone you can watch it without ads, I downloaded it for you. My plex account is Phoenix@gmail.com and password is Password123” OMFG. He did that without me asking, he did that because he loves me, this is what love is. This is what is special… FUCK. He won’t get it but I don’t care, “OMG… That’s the cutest thing you’ve ever done for me…” He doesn’t agree, “I gave you a bracelet dickhead.” I mean the bracelet was fucking amazing & special, I still can’t believe he did that, but it was for an occasion, not just because. Him downloading & giving me his log in details without asking is just so fucking cute… He gets cuter when I say something about my stupid internet & he says he googled my address & I should have fibre by the end of June 2025. So excuse me, hang up, back up a second… You can’t tell me he didn’t fucking google what STI his wife had, when he’s googling to see when I get better internet at my address, which has no impact on him whatsoever!

I tell him about another dude at my gym, who looks similar to him with his name, not hot or sexy as my Phoenix, but similar looking, he says not to fall in love with a Phoenix, I say that they are easy to love once you realise what you’re feeling. He says that it took me long enough, but I retort with the fact he gave me mixed messages, he asks how he was sending mixed signals, I mean he was the king of fucking mixed signals – I mean he still is really, “I was never sure what you were thinking, feeling etc. You’d give a little then pull back. Was hard for me to be vulnerable cos when I did, I turned out to be a fool.” I still feel like he is sending mixed signals, he wants to be close to me but for what purpose, I still don’t know, I may never know besides he says he missed me & missed chatting to me, “You didn’t know how to be vulnerable fuckhead Who was the one that told you they had feelings ? Who was the one that told you they fell in love with you? It wasn’t fucking you. That’s for sure !” Any time I did let my guard down, I felt like a dickhead. I also say that he knows what love feels like, I didn’t. “Someone had to make you feel it. I do feel like a fucked you up long term and made things worse 😐 You may of been a better person without meeting me. Having thoughts me lingering after things ended.” I reply that I am not sorry I met him, I never have been sorry even when it hurts. I will never be sorry I met him, no matter what happens. I am glad I am not the loser who was never loved or was loved. I say that I am glad I met him, “Even though I broke your heart multiple times ? Was a complete cunt to you ?” Well I mean I wish he didn’t break my heart or treat me badly & I wish he was single, but I am not sorry I was able to feel loved by him, I never said I was smart, that it what he’s said – in March, that I am the smartest person he knows, “You are smart. I think you are incredibly fuckin smart.” I ask him for examples because I am reminded of the initials comment & how stupid I am with men. “You are also so independent with everything. You work it out yourself and do it. You can just tell” but independent doesn’t me smart, that is because I have been single almost 19 years “I think it does. I’ve seen your brain in action. You just got dumb with me and their Dicks for a bitt I guess.” Well that is true, dicks do make me stupid, especially his. ‘You are not a dumb bimbo… Your even good with technology, don’t even need my help with that like normal people do. It’s the only thing I’m good at too lol.” Maybe that’s his insecurity with me, because he jus said that I won’t need him because I can download my own stuff & set up my own technology – the only thing he’s good at… But I mean I only do that stuff because I have too, who else is going to work out how my TV’s work if I don’t do it?! But I probably don’t need him , but I want him, there is a big fucking difference! & I’d rather someone want me, than need me!

He downloads the Handmaids tale for me & uploads to his plex account… What a fucking cutie!! I say that I want to give him a big hug & a kiss but he says that we’ve had enough today, I only get a certain quota. He doesn’t understand how much this means to me, something so fucking dumb & miniscule, is literally the most thoughtful thing ever, “But it’s the cutest thing anyone has ever done… You listened to me & just downloaded what I wanted… It’s super fucking adorable.” I tell him that I feel herd by him & he thinks maybe that’s what I find attractive about him, “You’re surprising me all the time. But yes you do listen…. More than I realise. I feel heard by you too.” He says “I do value what you have to say 🙂” which is probably also the first time I have had someone actually say that, but I feel valued too. “Your not the Super strong independent woman you make yourself out to be all the time. Sometimes you need a hug.” I could have told him that, but I strong & very very stoic because I have to be… If I crumble where does that get me? Single & a fucking mess, so I either need to be strong & pick myself up, pay my own bills or I would be homeless… “If you needed me to listen to you while you were down during that peroid I made sure I did, you just didn’t notice or refused to believe it sf the time 😕” I did notice, but I sometimes just through he did it because he knew that he knows how much I hate men jumping up after sex, “You always grounded me when I was being so flighty & scattered with work shit. Like you said before that probably is part of my attraction to you…. You listen & hear me… You know when I’m feeling shit or jealous or whatever… We can read each other pretty well. Even online.”

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09 April 2025 – The next morning, there is a vibe of his messages, he is chatting, but he isn’t giving me much at all. I can tell he’s been reading the blog because of this attitude, that I check the blog stats – not that I know who is reading but I can tell being that it’s not been posted on in ages that I haven’t had much traffic to it while it’s not been active until he found it. I ask what is wrong multiple times but he says there is nothing wrong. I got no rant & I am getting one to two word answers, like I said last night, we can read each other pretty well even online. I know that something is up. I send a lingerie pic to spark something in him, “I wish I could fuck you today hehe. You don’t get rants often anymore haha. You have been asleep so couldn’t say much. I only ranted about stuff cos I had read your blog lol. Only times you get rants now is if I’m pissed off.” I say I will drop it & try to change the subject. He is going out for lunch for his mum’s 60th birthday. It’s weird to me that it’s on a Wednesday & she’s only invited his sister but hasn’t invited their partners or the grandkids. Her husband isn’t even going because he’s had too much time off work due to his health conditions. Why is this lunch even happening? It just what seems like random family & Phoenix at some fancy restaurant in the city. He says they are doing something with all the grandkids on the weekend.

 I am at Mental Health First Aid training today just out of the city, but I don’t think we’ll get to see cross paths, though his little bitmoji on snapchat is near mine walking in the city, that I am sad that I can’t see him when he is so close by. I get him talking a little bit more, so I think perhaps he is ok today & just not really wanting to go to the lunch. He sends me a picture of him in his shirt that he has to wear because it’s a fancy restaurant. I think he looks hot as fuck but he’s pulling a dumb face, so sends another one smiling, which he looks super cute.

This is sort of a random comment, but I want to remind him how amazing & special our relationship is to me… errrr… relationship?! “And you know right, that I know you bought me a bracelet & I fucking love it & love gifts but the fact you downloaded handmaids tale for me still makes me fucking so happy & it’s so adorable…” He thought of me & did it “Fuck you still going on about that.” Secretly, I think he loves that I am so thankful for it. “Bahahaha, yeah. I love you so much for it.” I am so in love with him… “Sometimes I think of you.” I know he does, I just never realise it or witness it “A gift for an occasion, yeah it’s amazing but downloading a show you’ve never seen… That’s just like off the charts amazing.”

Then it comes… what I was waiting for, what I knew was brewing. What I knew he was overthinking this morning… It took over half a day for him to bring it up so I know it’s going to be a doozy,  “Just the weird thing you find special.. So I have a question for your blog. Who were rob rob and jlo on the chat app? I obviously want to know who the two other partnered men I was in competition with the entire fucking time are ? There is a chance I may not even remember or know but just curious I guess.” FOR FUCK SAKE!

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Location

07 April 2025 – Of course because I am so angry, I don’t sleep so I send a after midnight rant of my own, “The reason I am so frustrated about this, is that you make it sounds like I did it on purpose… Said no to you (which I do not remember ever saying no to anything you ever asked for!) and then vindictively did it with him as a ‘fuck you’ to you… Then you tell me, it’s in your top 5 & now you won’t do it with me, but you’ll find someone else to do it with… Yeah, great Phoenix. Do that then. Tick off your top 5 with someone else. You had offers all the time, so I’m sure it won’t be hard to find someone.” How is what he did different to me?! He did my number one fantasy with his super kinky wife after smashing my heart, then rubbed it in my face with every conversation we had, destroying any confidence I had… I have no recollection of him ever telling me public toilet sex was in his fucking top five, what fucking bullshit! Go fucking do it with someone else then fuckwit… I am so over this ‘not special’ conversation with this fucking idiot… “I never said you did it on purpose. I don’t feel that way. I never told you it was like like a top fantasy either. Until yesterday. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said anything, I was just being an idiot. We can move on now.” Can we? I don’t think we’ll ever get over shit in my blog… I start to think that the thing that brought us closer together, will be the thing that tears us apart…

“All this boils down too , was I had a fantasty that you showed no interest in it with me, but had enough interest with someone else that you were willing to do it with them but not me… that’s literally all it is. It’s simple. I don’t think it’s punishment. I don’t think you even cared. I didn’t push you on it so you didn’t even know. Once you told you me, that you were not interested. I dropped it. I never told you it was like bucket list things or hassled you to do it, literally only mentioned it once. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. It’s literally that dumb and that simple. Don’t over think it” If it really is that simple, then why the fuck does he bring it up every fucking day & make me feel bad about something I did to try to get over him? I ask how I am not supposed to overthink when he fucking said ‘he’d do it in a heartbeat’ with someone else… “I shouldn’t of said that … But if it came up with someone else I would make it happen. It’s a bucket list thing that I have no interest with you purely because of jealously. I’m jealous someone got a fantasy I wanted , I’m jealous you had a sexual fir. Friendship with another partnered man through all affairs. I’m jealous someone was allowed to degrade you through all affairs. It’s all just stupid jealously. And you should not over think it. It’s simple. It’s just jealously.” Right so he shouldn’t have said it but he meant it… Fuck you Phoenix. We know he chats to others & I don’t doubt that he is chatting with other women while spinning me this bullshit now – because affair two while I poured my heart out he was building deep honest relationships with women he would have fucked ‘in a heartbeat’ & had planned to fuck so he’s probably doing it now & obviously, I am not enough for him because he’ll do this apparently top five fantasy with someone else… Good one… Off you trot then!

When I ask who this someone he keeps referring too, he says “It was a figure of speech. There is no one.” I am in no mood, he’s fucking chatting to someone else & I am getting fucking caught up in this web of fucking lies & my dumb heart is fucking invested, “Oh yes the ol ‘I’d fuck someone else in a heartbeat’ figure of speech, yes… If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d have like $5 – all from you.” He denies it, “There is no one else currently.” Oh really, are you fucking kidding, you’re just making it worse Champ, “Currently. Good to know.” I am so over this! “I’m also not looking for anyone else. You are reading too much into that.” Am I really? “I hate that we had a great lunch, plus a bit of fun caching – cos your not just sex, some cuddles… I come home with your cum still dripping out of me, smittin & satisfied but also a little sad cos our schedules won’t align this week & so what do we do, we fight… About something you were never meant to see!!” I am so frustrated, he ruined that great afternoon & the little time we have chatting & all we do is fight over something I cannot see his side of & never will – happy for someone to explain it to me if you can see it, please get in touch… You know I always fucking defend him but as I re-read ready to post, I cannot reflect on this & see his side besides his jealousy. “And if I didn’t see your blog that lunch would have not happened BTW, gotta take the good with the bad…”

Today I worked from home as I had a dr’s appointment, he says that he could have seen me today if he knew, I mean he can see my fucking location on snap maps but we’d also seen each other Saturday & Sunday, I didn’t think he’d want to today as well, he says he finished at 12:00pm, but luckily he didn’t because both his kids are sick. I just didn’t think he’d be able to or want to go out of his way “I would of done simply because of our schedules. #IBD4U, I want to see you as much as I possibly can. I want you to tell me when I can see you. Even if it is two days in a row.” Um… fuck, ok… He tells me about how his kids catch the bus home so he has extra time, they don’t get home till 4:00pm –   I mean that doesn’t matter because he had always rushed off before 2:00pm, he lives 20 mins away so not sure why he’s pushing the fact he has extra time now they catch the bus… “Well, Phoenix. I am working from home today…” I laugh at myself & his reply, “Bit late now fuckhead. I genuinely want to see you as much as I can. So let me know in future thanks.” Does he really want to know, even if it would be three days in a row?! Maybe I still question his intentions here. He’s found my blog, realises he misses me & wants to be closer to me, but it changes nothing, he’s still married. Neither of them are going to walk away, he even said his family love her more than him – as if that’s a reason to stay but he used that as one of the excuses as to why he chose to stay with her so what is the point of this. I may never get the answer to that.

I tell him that even if he didn’t look at my snap maps, my location or the suburb I am in, is underneath my name. I call bullshit that he doesn’t pay attention to it, because he was the one who mentioned that he found it odd that since we’ve been friends on snapchat I have had my location available to him. At that time it, he logged on like twice a month so he never saw where I was anyway, but now he’d be aware of it right there in the chat. ”Why you would even turn your location on for a bloke you fuck once a month boggles my mind.” He says it would come in handy if he turned his location on for me. I have mixed feelings about this, I fucking want it, mainly because when he says ‘on my way’ I can judge where he is & how long I have. I never know if he’s coming from the school, from work or home or even the shops. All have very different times to when he could rock up. But I don’t want his location because I am not tracking where he is & if he’s fucking someone else like his wife. But anyway when he logs off it doesn’t update until he’s back online anyway so it wouldn’t even be useful. “It made me feel uncomfortable initially. I was like why the fuck is she letting me see where she is. And felt weird for checking it. Especially considering I was only fucking you monthly and hardly chatting to you. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in your brain.” I tell him he doesn’t want to know what goes on in my head, that’s for sure!

I don’t know when we discussed it but with geocaching you sign the log book once you find it, a lot of ones we looked at had stamps from the people who found it, so he randomly says when I ask if he downloaded the app “Was I meant too? You are in charge of that. You can order us a cute stamp too.” Oh can I? He is about to see what goes on in my brain! I fixate on things, I jump into my canva app intantly & I start creating a logo for us. I use my geocache name & call him Prick Phoenix. While chatting, I design us a logo ready to make a stamp. I hesitate to send it to him, but I do… I ask him how lame geocaching really is, since he thinks I am so cool “Na I actually enjoying with you and think it’s not lame. I would also rather do something like that than the usuall date ideas people do such as something like bowling, or mini golf that I’m just going to lose, or sit in a cinema for 2 hours and not talk to each other. Anyone can do geocache at any skill level, it’s good to get out and go for a drive and is makes you stop at places you wouldn’t normally and look for things outside , I genuinely think it’s a great and fun interest and activity.” He sends me a screenshot of the app & says he made an account, I look for him under his name & the name I gave him to add him as a friend, but I never find him & don’t ask him about it again.

He tells me that his brothers girlfriend has told their mum that she’s going to break up with him, what’s odd about the conversation is how little his mum sides with her own kids… This woman hasn’t been in their life that long & his mum is siding with her. I get that Phoenix’s wife had been in her life over ten years & they had kids together, but then he reveals something that I just don’t even know how I feel about it “I don’t know my mum is weird I guess. She created a bank account for my wife during the affair for example. And set up online banking for her. It’s how I know my wife can’t see certain accounts now. Because she was setting her up to spilt from me. All in preparation for our spilt.” So his mum works at a bank & when he had met me for lunch he used his card & I had asked how he would explain the transaction – because I would assume that would be something easy for her to track without having to tell him. Not that I think she cares about doing it, so openly tracks & spies on his movements. But the odd thing about this, is considering Phoenix mum had walked away from his dad due to cheating, it’s so fucking surprising & not at all believable that she pushed them to stay together, while setting up accounts for his wife – why would she set up accounts & push them to stay together?! It’s so fucking contradictory…

Anyway, in the interest of telling him when I am working from home, so he can see me as much as he can, I tell him I am getting my stiches out next week on Monday & if he can get to my house by 12:00pm he could come with me, not into the appointment cos he’s weird about medical stuff but we could drive in & out together, just for a drive. He googles to if I can eat afterward getting the stiches out & suggests lunch in the city. I just on this excitement, there is a great Greek place just up from my periodontist, so we could go there for lunch… I think is super fucking cute he googled if I’ll be able to eat afterwards & I can’t wait for that!

We get onto the topic my little smug noise & fucking without a condom, our conversations jump all over the place but then one leads to a fucking fight about when he blamed me for his wife’s STI after the first affair. He says he blamed me because he didn’t know what STI she had or what it was. I say “As if you didn’t google it… You just googled if I can eat after getting stitches out…” He says he’s really wimpy with medical stuff, which I know but fuck this guy actually told me he was at every appointment with her – now he’s saying he didn’t even know what the fucking STI was! It’s late at night while he’s pissing me off, every fucking goddamn night. Does he do this so it’s easier for him to log off & say goodnight? Because I fucking don’t sleep as I play the conversation over in my head. He tells me that he was a bad person to me, that he blamed me & he 100% owns that, I know he doesn’t need to admit that to me, but he said he was with her at every appointment, turns out, he fucking wasn’t & didn’t even know what she had, “We were not exactly best friends at the time ? I’m sorry I Blammed you. And I’m sorry I was an asshole. Or anything I said degrading to you.” I say it doesn’t matter & he says get some sleep, we say a cold good night & log off.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Fantasies

05 April 2025 – Tomorrow we’ve planned to meet after work, I have been planning to make smashed chicken caesar tacos, so I have got all the ingredients except shredded lettuce. I want more than anything to have sexless proper dates with this man, I want to prove he is more than special to me. How can’t he see that he is literally the most significant person in my life, I would even say over my sister – who is my number one. So while he is offline, I start looking at some geocaches around his work that are secluded that we can go find & my brain is so wired to get him to like me so I say that because it’s secluded, we can have sex there! He worries about someone else coming to look for the cache while we are fucking, but I had bought all these screens for my car windows after we fucked in my car at work & it was so exposed, so I got on amazon & found magnetic screens to make my car dark, which I remind him of. I say that he can eat the taco while I’m driving there & I say something about bringing a picnic blanket & he says “Aslong as you are there, Im happy” Fuck he knows what to day to make me fucking melt…

I ask him a boring topic about his home loan rate to see how mine compares. I want to get my passport again & go away but it seems that I will never get there while I am paying two mortgages on a shitty single wage. He says that he’s never travelled & not to worry. But I have travelled & while I don’t care that he hasn’t, I want to travel somewhere soon… All I want is for him to go away with me…

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03 April 2025 – This morning I am super excited that I am going to his work after work & we’ll have lunch & sex, while looking for a geocache. We’re chatting back & forth when he calls me, I miss it but I ask if he meant to call which he says yes that he was bored on his break. I call him back & we talk for his whole break even though in like two hours I will be picking him up. I pack up lunch, including packing him a can of oxyshred, a Pepsi max plus I throw in some napkins. I ask him to buy some shredded lettuce, which he brings out to the car. We kiss hello & drive to where the geocache is. It’s pretty secluded so I pull off a little bit so we can eat our tacos. He eats them so fast that I think he barely could taste them. I eat one still with stiches in my mouth I am a lot slower, he finishes off my leftovers – which I oddly love when he does that… Is it because I’ve not had someone to share my food with in so fucking long or is it just a weird couple thing that I haven’t had a lot of. I also am lame & got him an easter bunny that I take as his dessert for lunch. I feel like a dickhead giving it too him, but we share it, him eating most of it.

We kiss a lot & end up in the back seat of my tiny car, He fingers me with my legs so spread that anyone looking through the front car window would have got an eye full. He goes down on me too, I haven’t been able to suck his dick because of the stiches & open wound inside my mouth, I think I should not have dick bacteria in my mouth. I ride him & we cum hard, him pounding into me that when I have cum & can feel he is close, I say ‘Cum deep inside me Phoenix‘ & he pumps hard one more time before he lets out his cum grunt & I make this noise that later he refers to as ‘a cute smug noise’ that was just me proud that I made him cum so easily. We then get out & look for the geocache, which I try to let him find but it’s a tough one & I find it & say something before I realise that I’m used to doing this & he also doesn’t like looking stupid to people, especially me. But that’s also the problem, I want to look cool – while doing the lamest possible hobby ever & show him that I found it first… It’s a stupid thing that I know will make him feel shit but make me feel good but that’s basically been our whole relationship.

He talks about how hot car sex is & says that the last five years we should have had sex outside of the bed & that he’s liked mixing it up again. I ask if the sex has been boring, which he says no but he likes to change it up – which I agree. I ask him if there is anything he wants me to do, any fantasy like princess Leia in the gold bikini? “I’m not a star wars nerd… so princess leia does nothing. School uniforms on the other hand haha …” & I immediately google school uniform costumes! “Like I said you did 99% of what I wanted.” Let me guess, the 1% is the public toilet? He replies “Pretty much. But I have no interest in that now. Purely because of jealously” For fuck sake, I am not going into this now!  “I asked for it , you were not interested and made sure you did it with someone else 🤷‍♂️. You were willing to do it for him over me, I just have to live with that. But you did everything else I wanted. I asked for it during first affair 🤷‍♂️. Clearly he deserved it more than me and you were more willing for him. So whatever. Clearly he did if we both asked for it and he got it and not me.” Fuck off dipshit!

I avoid the public toilet debate but saying that if he picks a school girl costume, I will buy it & we can pair it with our little consensual non consent scene, a school girl with her boyfriend who she says no too & he does it anyway – both of us have this intruder type fantasy so this could work well… He says it shouldn’t be hot but it is… I mean it’s hot because it’s me & its consensual. He mentions that until he read my blog he never realised how much I actually wanted the intruder fantasy, um you fuckwit, I gave you a fucking key for you to do it! He never really used it & when he did he even admits that he made heaps of noise on purpose. “I wasn’t sure if you were just playing along. Turns out you really fucking wanted it lol. I did not know this till I read your blog. Like it was a major reason you gave me keys” Um well duh! The dumb thing is that he knew Max had my spare key for an intruder fantasy so I am so surprised that he says he didn’t know I really wanted it… I ask him if he thinks I would ever just play along with something? “I think you would play along with something I wanted that you didn’t want.. Actually for me you wouldn’t do the public toilet. So maybe not.” OMG he is a dog with a fucking bone, every single second he can have a dig at me, he will do it… I cannot fathom saying no, I fucked him in a car wash & at a train station to name a couple of public places! “You basically said you were not interested. Old mate dom dom must of been more interesting than me.”

I pull a phoenix, because I am so fucking angry & so over this conversation, how many days can we have the same fucking conversation when we just don’t see it the same way? He will never convince me & I will never convince him – he knows this & we agreed not to bring it up but he gets jealous & then just has to make me feel like shit because he feels like shit after the cute & fun afternoon we’ve had, I snap “My other sexual fantasies I haven’t done yet either…. 🤷🏼‍♀️ You didn’t do one of mine, but did it with your wife. So she must’ve been more important than me…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” His excuse is that mine threesum fantasy replies on specific situations & on his terms of not being buff & having a small dick. He says he would have done it if it didn’t end but I wouldn’t have fucked him in a public toilet. OMG I AM SO ANGRY!!! But he keeps fucking going “You said you were not interested, But old mate Rob Rob you were interested so oh well.” I don’t even care right now “Well your ol mate wife got her 3sum fantasy then went back to her usual boring sex…” I put my phone down, he send a bunch of messages but by the time I look at my phone he’s deleted three messages & just says “It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.” I ask what he deleted & he said nothing, he got nasty – I’d love to know what he wrote now! Fucking twat. “Cos anytime I write something a little bitchy, but 100% accurate, you get mean.” Any time he feels bad about himself because of what he’s read or just any reason, I am the one who cops it. “Cos you’re a fucking prick… Blame me for doing something with someone, when you did the exact same thing, then told me all about it!” he says I don’t get it & won’t ever get it… You’re right about one thing Phoenix, I won’t ever fucking agree with you on this!

“No obviously I don’t get it, cos I was fucking distraught, heartbroken & devastated… Then you come back online, in an open relationship, telling me all about your kinky sex & who she was fucking, doing a fantasy I wanted – that you said no too… So I went out & fucked everyone, hating myself the whole time because all I wanted was you. So no, Phoenix , I will never get why you think I saved anything for him or anyone.” He then just becomes Mr passive aggressive & starts agreeing with me, I can sense his tone & know that he doesn’t mean what he is saying, that it doesn’t matter & it’s all in the past… It’s not in the past, it’s in our present, because he is reading about it & taking his insecurities out on me. I am so angry, I don’t even give a fuck anymore about trying to pump up his ego, “Fuck you. My family is getting here & your wife will be home for some kinky sex… Chat later.” I put down my phone & I actually surprise myself by not even looking at it knowing he is offline & probably won’t come back online tonight. When I look I see the messages he sent earlier & then a little rant while I was not looking at my phone… “That was meant to be past tense. You are not meant to get angry at me when I’m trying to agree with you. And not fight with you. So. I’m not going to say fuck you to you, Love you ! Chat later.” That must’ve hurt Mr passive aggressive to write that.

“OK while you are not talking to me. And considering in person you will just hug, kiss or fuck me to shut up me up. And I can’t resist thar. I’m going to tell you why it fucked me off. This is not me trying to make you feel shit or have a go at you. Obviously we all have fantasies we want to act out, you had some , I had some, many we had before we met each other. Obviously have a mff 3sum is one I had, and I am forever grateful for it. Oi. Oi. I’m ranting. Go away.” My little bitmoji popped up in the chat when I looked, I say ok & I put my phone back down. “Wow that was easy. I obviously had a long term sexual fantasy of doing it a public toilet. So when I finally came across someone that I thought would do it with me , obviously a mistess that gave me nearly every thing. I suggested it to her and she wasn’t interested, you did not act interested at all so I dropped it after one convo. And it was quite late in our first affair too. So it just fucks me off you were so willing to do it and you were interested in even organising it someone that you didn’t love or was as close to as me , and willing to do it , when you were not even remotely interested in doing it with me .Then top to all off, like some sort of fucked up cherry on top. It’s with a guy that you had some sort of sexual connection with throughout all our affairs, obviously you were telling me you loved him, then having phone sex and sext with him the next day or whatever. And the same bloke that was allowed to degrade you via text and via phone vocally, something I thought was truly fucking special to our friendship and I assumed was special to you. So yeah it’s like some sort of fucked up cherry on top that just makes me even more fucking angry I missed out on doing it with you, especially as a first. As it’s something that was like in my top 5 of like sexual fantasies that I wanted to do in life. I have obviously zero interest in doing it with you now. And if it came up with someone else I would do it in a heart beat. So yeah. That why I got fucked off. But you had all right to do it with him. And you had no obligation during out first or second affairs to give me anything I want that you would not enjoy. I obviously fucked my wife and was having kinky sex with her. So you did the right thing fucking him , and I had no right to have that fantasy with you. Or hold it against you especially while you were heart broken trying to get over me. So like I said earlier. I agree with everything you said. And it’s all justified.” Oh actual get fucked Phoenix!

“I get all that, I’ve understood all that this whole time… I do not remember you saying you wanted it so badly (& now hearing it’s in your top 5!) & I do not remember saying no at all & I don’t remember you ever asking multiple times, like other times I brought up fantasies. Because I find that so hard to believe, being that I did eveything you asked for & more, why wouldn’t I do that with you..? And for the record, I did it after we broke up the second time…” Then I reply to his comment about doing it with someone in a heartbeat, “But fine, go do it with someone else then. I’m sure your wife will be keen for some public toilet sex.” I am infuriated “🙄 Ahh. Just forget I said anything.” I say ok & log off, not looking at his ‘night’ message.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – How high?

05 April 2025 – I wake up to a rant to follow on from the fight we were having last night about me being cooler than him & why he was trying to get me to hate him “But I just assumed Miss Strong independent woman with a heart of stone, that was capable of sleeping with multiple men without developing feelings for any of them (apart from me). That freely admitted she had never loved, never even had feelings. That hardly admitted it to me and struggled with the notion and just basic concept of it.” He forgets that that was because I hadn’t had an opportunity to love & be loved, not because I was so strong that I stopped it from happening & my heart was stone because I became bitter about not having love in my life “And had a network of men that would be able to fuck her epecially once she was …umm unofficially single again. In my head. I thought you would hate me easy. You would not be able love me. If I was a cunt to you. Or I told you the kinky stuff my wife was suddenly willing to do as she made an effort with me suddenly because she nearly lost me to you. I never thought you would keep loving me. And assumed you would hate me and move on quickly. And although you may not have been in love with me at that point. It’s clear you had feelings for me. You never hated ne. And compared me to every fucking man you ever met the first time hahah. Or went home after an event and all you thought of was me. You are fucked in the head. I did not even think it was possible for me to even fuck you in the head. The worse thing is. You kept loving me, even after a I whistled it down to a toothpick , even after shoved my improved relationship in your face , or outright was just a dick to you, calling you a slut in actual proper negative way. That is when you were meant to stop loving me. So I could move on, and stop loving you. Also you were meant to stop loving me after a year or two of just having a sexual relationship! Turns out after 3 years you didn’t stop. Or even 5 years !” I never stopped…

The love changed the meaner he was, but for me our relationship was never over because I fell out of love with him, any time it ended I was in love with him & I think deep down I knew when he was being mean or telling me shit about his wife, I knew that was more about him than me. It didn’t spur me on like he thinks it did, it made me want to do things to prove to him I was better than her, I also did those things to try to replace him & replace what we had. I say “You should’ve fucked multiple women…” Which would have mad me jealous from the start & we wouldn’t have gotten so involved, then he says “All I wanted was you 🤷‍♂️“ even though I smile like a wanker, I know that’s not true. If he wasn’t on a tight leash, as he told me once, I have no doubt in my mind he would have fucked other women & not got so involved with me. I don’t deny he wanted me, but we built a friendship & trust, he knew I was discreet. I was the perfect mistress, but I would have just been one of the many. “I mean there was maybe one or two I did want to fuck. But I only had limited time and availability. And wanted to use that on you. When I did have time.” Which is also bullshit, because when he had a second chance with me, he made me feel even worse than when he was actively trying to make me hate him.

I don’t know why, because I already know there were, as he puts it ‘offers on the table’ but why he then goes into detail of two of them in particular… I don’t know the point he is trying to make because he just told me all he wanted was me, but is now telling me in detail about these two women & I know that had he not been tracked, he would have fucked both of them, I would not have been a factor at all. I am sick of hearing how much women would have fucked him, I get it! I know you don’t need to keep rubbing it in my face because you read my blog!

I change the subject “Next time we’ve get decent time together, we should go to Mt Bold Reservoir or Hallett Cove Boardwalk for a walk. Or Hahndorf for a kransky.” We just need to not talk about the fucking blog… He says “It’s pretty damn fucking cute your thinking of other places. Hahndorf was going to be the 2nd choice i was going to give you.” Is it cute? I just want this sexless date stuff he keeps offering up… Speaking of which, I head off to a bunnings closer to his work so I can meet him on his lunch break, even though he doesn’t know when his break will be, I am loitering in the vicinity so I can make sure I don’t miss a minute of his break. I go to his work & pull into a park he’ll approve of.

He gets in the car & we kiss as a peck hello, but not long into the visit, we are kissing properly. When I control the kiss, so make sure we are not being rough, that we are not banging lips or teeth together, I fucking missed passionately kissing this man! Kissing like this without it leading to sex is something special to me because it means I mean more than sex, I hope he feels the same way.

I’m not really sure why but I randomly send him the song Lucid dreams. This song was released in May 2018, shortly after we broke up the first time so it was super relevant & really hit me in the feels, that he chose another one but I am the better one… However, I am not entirely sure why I sent to him now when we are in a good place. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter anyway because I have no idea if he listened to it or not as he made no comment about it at all. However I do really like the song & have added it to the #IBD4U Spotify playlist. Here’s the song & lyrics as usual.

Uhm-uhm-mm, ah
No, no, no, no (no, no)
No-no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no (no, no)

I still see your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that I gave you
It’s to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you, so I must replace you, oh
Easier said than done, I thought you were the one
Listenin’ to my heart instead of my head (of my head)
You found another one, but I am the better one
I won’t let you forget me (let you forget me)

I still see your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that I gave you
It’s to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you, so I must replace you, oh
Easier said than done, I thought you were the one
Listenin’ to my heart instead of my head (of my head)
You found another one, but I am the better one
I won’t let you forget me (let you forget me)

You left me falling and landing inside my grave
I know that you want me dead, ah
I take prescription pills to make me feel a-okay
I know it’s all in my head
I have these lucid dreams where I can’t move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything, thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I’m just better off dead (uh, uh, uh)

I’ll do it over again, I didn’t want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind, I should’ve listened to my friends
Leave this shit in the past, but I want it to last
You were made outta plastic, fake
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heartbreak

You made my heart break
You made my heart ache (I still see the shadows in my room)
You made my heart break
You made my heart ache (can’t take back the love that I gave you)
You made my heart break (were made outta plastic, fake)
You made my heart ache (I still see the shadows in my room)
You made my heart break again (I was tangled up in your drastic ways)
(Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?)

I still see your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that I gave you
It’s to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you, so I must replace you, oh
Easier said than done, I thought you were the one
Listenin’ to my heart instead of my head (of my head)
You found another one, but I am the better one
I won’t let you forget me (let you forget me)

I still see your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that I gave you
It’s to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you, so I must replace you, oh
Easier said than done, I thought you were the one
Listenin’ to my heart instead of my head (of my head)
You found another one, but I am the better one
I won’t let you forget me (you forget me, forget me)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Dominic James Miller / Gordon Matthew Sumner / Nicholas Mira / Danny Lee Snodgrass Jr. / Jarad Anthony Higgins

Lucid Dreams lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Electric Feel Music, Taz Taylor Beats, Songs Of Universal Inc., Magnetic Publishing Ltd, Nick Mira Publishing

Something really interesting is how much he says his actual kids names now. He used to always say my son or my daughter when he did talk about them, which was hardly ever & it used to bother me but I guess it was his way of keeping his distance & also because thought I hated kids just because I didn’t want them… But now he says their names a lot, sending pictures of them usually just a pic of them in the distance at the beach or playing a computer game, them walking home from school, nothing weird but it’s cute & I love seeing him proud of his kids. “You know you say your kids names a lot now… You used to say my son or my daughter only.” I randomly say to him, “One thing I learned from your blog .. You wanted to hear about my kids..” That’s such a weird thing for him to pick up out of my blog, I mean it’s true but of all the shit he has picked out of it, it’s so funny that something so miniscule that bothered me he picks up on & is trying to rectify it. “You complained in your writing.. I didn’t talk about them with you. Clearly hated that I didn’t talk about them. Pissed you off badly I didn’t tell you my daughters name.” (I write ‘my daughter’ there because he said her name & I’m obviously not putting that in the blog, so it’s not entirely a direct quote!) He says he found it odd talking about them & it used to bore him before he had kids when people talked about their kids to him, so he didn’t want to bore me.

It’s weird because he didn’t want to bore me & I felt like it was him holding back & not wanting me to be involved “I know but that was another reason why I never had a clue how you felt… Like you didn’t share stuff with me so I was like ah right we’re not as close as I think we are. We talked about all sorts of shit…. I didn’t want you to tell me the colour of their t shirts today, just general shit & you never did which I just thought was keeping separation.” So interesting to see how our relationship being mostly online is what caused us so many issues but him reading my blog can fix them “So yeah there are some things that bothered you that I didn’t know. And I’ve tried to improve on this time. It has given me some insight to what you were thinking during our affairs. And some aspects to how I can improve. And obviously how much you loved me. And sat around lim. Like a dickhead being avaible for me. Which I took for granted.” I mean he admits it, but he still makes me feel like a dickhead when I wait around for him & he still 100% takes it for granted, knowing that when he comes back online, I will always be there waiting… How does this turn into a fight, he says “I gave a shit about you!!! Just didn’t care about you waiting around. Didn’t think it affected you … didn’t know you were doing post first affair…. didn’t know you would do it again second affair and how badly it would affect you… Just assumed you would distract yourself with other men. And you would be fine 🤷‍♂️” Not caring that I am waiting around is not giving a shit about me, just FYI Phoenix!

But I say “Yeah I didn’t get that memo…” He doesn’t agree “You did get the memo. You had multiple guys and couples messaging you in the background the entire time. Your blog proves that. You just fell in love with one and wanted a particular one. Out of all of them. That is the memo that was not passed onto me.” Like he thinks because he read my blog all as one big story that all of those people I was talking too every day – which I did not… “Mate, it wasn’t the entire time & if they were messaging, it wasnt consistently… Would you have rathered I fall in love with multiple people? Or kept fucking multiple people??” How are we having this heated argument over him talking about his kids for fuck sake? “No didn’t!!! I wanted to be the only one. I was jealous you were fucking other men and not me before we fucked. I was insanely jealous you were seeing couples within months of fuckkng me and the other men started dropping out. I wanted you all to myself despite you being the other woman. I just didn’t think you wanted that (which you didn’t) didn’t think you had feelings for me, and due to your popularity in groups , just assumed you had a back up list of people on the chat app and and I was just part of that list. But it was agreed you could chat to anyone, and fuck anyone. And it wasn’t until late on I told you not to fuck people from the chat app. But made it clear you could chat, even date and fuck existing people in your life of people from other places. Not like you adhered to even that rule haha. So in my mind. I’m like just one guy out of 50 people. Messaging you on the chat app. I did not think you would hang onto every message dying for to message you.” He wanted to be the only one for me, but for eight years I’ve never even come close to being the only one for him… He still to this day tells me they have sex regularly so how can he expect to be the only one when he never gave me the same courtesy?

This fight continues about Rob Rob. Apparently, I allowed Rob Rob to degrade me verbally throughout the relationship with Phoenix, but I told Phoenix he was the only one I allowed to do that. First – I don’t remember ever saying that Phoenix was the only one, I’m sure he could look & find a fucking comment in the blog & use against me & second, Rob Rob was not as significant as Phoenix is making it out to be.  He says that he was just the only dickhead who messaged me everyday, I am angry but I say – trying to lighten the mood because I know he is just a few messages away from full on cracking the shits & logging off, “You signed the Phoenix VS IBD4U agreement 2017 so you had to message me everyday or you would have been in breech of that contract…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” He ignores me & keeps going, “Because i know he wasnt significant to you in the same way I was. But there was something I considered significant between us that was bullshit. And I’m just correcting. You.” Ok I get he made something special in his head that I didn’t see was special. Sex had never been special or connected on an intimate level until I met him – so he’s right sex was not special to me, until I met him, until I had someone so in tune with my body that I got everything I wanted & more, plus actual love. He then says “I should probably go offline. But it is not good bye 😛. You didn’t like me disappearing off-line in your blog. So I try and tell you now. Another thing I learned.” I tell him that wasn’t a big revelation, “Yeah but. Didn’t know how much it bugged you.” I told him so many times, in so many ways… I would actively crack the shits & he is saying he didn’t know how much it bugged me?!

For someone who took a big risk & had to tell me that I was in love with him because I didn’t know it could be real with him, he really is a fucking idiot if he couldn’t see that every time we’ve been in communication, all he had to say to me was ‘jump‘ & my immediate response was & always is, to this day ‘how high?‘

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Special to me

03 April 2025 – There are no words to how I feel re-reading that interaction, knowing I would not have been defended, knowing that people were talking about something that is untrue & having a fucking good laugh… I snap & then put my phone down for a bit “Well if that’s all people have to talk about, I suggest they get a life…” How fucking sad that my belly button got so much airtime…. Phoenix says that he bets I thought he would never find out that I fucked Cowboy, I say that I don’t even understand how that is getting passed around or why. “People pass everything around the chat app. People just love gossip. Or to make people jealous … Like how did I come up in convo between cowboy and his mistress? Then how the fuck did you then come up in their convo lol. So weird. I wasn’t in groups with him often. Somehow it got back to him i was good friends with her. And then somehow you fucking him got back to me. They would see each other once a week. Both obviously married.” God he’s so dumb, Cowboy’s Mistress clearly told them both, trying to cause shit. He does say right at the end, “BTW I did defend you and and told her I never noticed that or I thought that of you …” Sure you did… I don’t know why I am not more upset at Phoenix for his part, but I say “I’ve ever heard of anyone having a smelly belly button, so if that’s all the oompa loompa had to say, then whatever.” Fuck sake… Phoenix tells me that he kept it from me because he thought it was stupid & because he did warn me not to fuck Cowboy…. I am still snippy so I send “Well I have stinky breath & vagina yesterday so, you can go compare notes.”

He agrees that my mouth smelt, then he says “What the fuck happened to your self confidence in 5 years? You just get weird sometimes in your confidence. Way more than you used too. Things seem to affect you more than they used too. You used always be super confident online no matter what.” Um, did I? What he doesn’t realise is that it was all fake, I have never had confidence, doesn’t he know that from the fact that I use sex to get boys to want to date me (which went so well!) & besides “When someone says you stink… I think that’s pretty standard to loose confidence.” I jump in the shower, I feel gross, I feel dirty, I feel ugly & unsexy. I am humiliated & deflated. I send him a snap of me washing my belly button with a soap, trying to lighten how I am feeling – again faking it, but I can’t shake this awful feeling. I think now he is just trying to over compensate now because he knows this has made me feel so shit “You have never been stinky for me ever. Your belly button , even your vag … I don’t even know how you do it sometimes. Well normally … they get stinky haha. Like after a day or gym or something. Yours has never been haha. Either that or your high level of self lubricating cleans it for you. But yeah. Never been stinky for me! And I went down on you most times lately we fucked inc my monthly visits. Well just saying, You have good hygiene 🤷‍♂️” Is he trying to tell me that his wife’s vagina stinks? He says he’s never gone down on her, so maybe it smells?! URGH, I don’t want to think about her vagina…

He logs off to go about his life & my brain goes into overdrive, “Let me preface this with an apology cos I can’t help my stupid over thinking brain, but you’ve had 5+ years over multiple conversations about cowboy to tell me he thought my belly button was stinky… Just makes me think that you think it’s stinky or that I am stinky & didn’t know how to tell me… 😳” Again I think he is overcompensating again…“it only popped up in my head when I read the entry in the blog a few weeks ago. you are overthining that. I have never smelt your belly button or noticed any smells from it ever. before or after that convo with her. and it is something I thought was a stupid and really random to remember from having sex with someone. I legit do not think this in any shape or form. and the only reason the memory was trigger was because of your blog. I had forgotten about it until I read that entry, I swear to whatever bullshit god you might beleive in. random things can trigger my memory, and sometimes I can have a good memory. things were pretty fragile and new with us when I was told it, and I was more focuses on the reality of the situation that you had actually fucked him rather than his personal dig at your hygiene. I think you have great hygiene!” Great hygiene?! I just think it’s so fucking weird “It’s just a random thing to tell someone, who then tells someone else…. Who knows they’re seeing that person….” Haven’t I had enough drama in this relationship?!

I love the sexless dates, but obviously not as much as Phoenix “Are you not super proud we went like a solid 3 hours without fucking ? Like we actually talked, got to have a walk, and have lunch and stuff. And a drive. And not fuck each other all day.” Proud probably isn’t a word I would use, I mean we never had sexless dates because his phone was tracked & I barely got an hour with him during the first affair, despite me making up excuses for him all the time & same with affair two, so I gave up on trying to get him to see me more but by affair three it was just me putting in the effort so we were never going to get a sexless dates. I would be proud if we had unlimited time together & all we did was fuck & now we’re having sexless dates, but we saw each other so sporadically in the past, it was always a few days apart that we were ready for sex again… “Not proud, but I absolutely loved being with you… I loved every touch, hand hold, chit chat shit, eating with you… Drive with you… Laughing & being ourselves.” But he is happy with himself & that’s all that matters to me “I think it took some resistance. We are fuckin terrible sexualy with each other. I’m proud.”

I suggest “So next time we organise a full on date, we don’t have sex. We just have the date.” He asks if I can actually do that, “I’ll try to fuck you at the end… 🤷🏼‍♀️ I am only human after all… And if we were put on this earth with this much sexual chemistry, honesty & friendship… Who are we to deny the world that collision of our bodies…” But he wants more than that, “Because. I don’t want to be just sex to you in person. That’s why.” He is not just sex to me, but I do want to fuck him. He asks what he was then, I simply say “My best friend.” That he replies “That you just fucked every time” well that was a timing issue, but I say “Who I wanted to fuck all the time. Yes.” Then he says “Hahaha. I love you #IBD4U” Which catches my breath, I say it back to him & tell him he is more than sex to me. He mentions looking for food for me. “Yes I did want you to enjoy some sort of proper food with me that was soft enough that wasn’t a shitty smoothie. And checked every fuckin specials menu board for you. But you were not meant to notice !!!” Oh I noticed, not right away, I just thought he was looking for something he wanted, but I fucking worked it out eventually, “I loved that… That made me feel so loved… I noticed… I adored that.” I have never felt more loved & special than I did that morning, “Dammit ! Goodnight my nectarine !” He reads my last message & says goodnight “That’s what’s special to me…!! No one has every given a fuck about that for me before… Don’t even think my family would do that tbh.”

After he logs off, I send him something to wake up too “A little late night rant for you, my handsome, sexy Phoenix. I never want you to feel anything less than special to me. Special to me is you searching everywhere for soup for me. Bringing me flowers. Wanting to spend non-sex time with me. Buying my favourite ice cream. Sharing your healthy food tips with me. Buying me jewellery. Meeting me for lunch. Holding my hand (barely letting go on the drive & walk). Picnicing at the beach. Sending songs that remind us of us. Talking/texting for hours on end & still having shit to say. The list goes on… I will do eveything to prove to you that you are special & more than just sex to me. If that means controlling my cunt while in your presence, I will do it. But just know that, I want you in every way possible, so I will be thinking about fucking you… Even when I don’t mention it. I promise you, that I do want more sex less dates (said no one ever, but us!! 😋) & I can’t wait to just hang out with you more when we can. I love you Pookie. I hope this puts a smile on your dial for the day. Xxx”

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04 April 2025 – “Haha that has made me smile while waking up. We started this thing off in very weird circumstances, (fwb, me cheating, you with multiple sexual partners) so I’ve always tried to convince myself I wasn’t special which obviously still happens to this very day , I’m sorry I do that.” & because of the circumstances, our relationship was built on sex. We had limited time & never knew when we were going to see each other again, the sex is soooooo good, so we did it every time…  He adds, “It obviously was never meant to get to the stage where we loved each other or ‘got special’ to each other. But here we still are.” I don’t know if I can deal with him not feeling special to me, because fuck he is so fucking special, maybe not in the way he made up he was, “I just hate that you feel like everyone one else that could not be further from the truth… You were special to be from the start because you loved me back & obviously that happened cos we were both so desperate to show each other how good we were… Mainly at sex. It was built on sex but it’s eveything else that matters to me.”

We then talk about why I am up so early & it’s because my dog has woken up vomiting & not only did she just vomit, she had vomited up shit – he asks “like poop?” which I say yes, he first says dogs are gross & that he’s never known a dog to do that & it’s why he’s a cat person, but then a few sentences later, he says that his dog eats cat shit.. & when he fed them crap food, his dogs ate it, so it was such a weird convo, but the point of explaining this is I said that I usually pick up the poo as quickly as I can, & I do it daily, but because I hadn’t been 100% I hadn’t picked it up for the last few days when he says “I would of picked it up for you if you asked” Would he have really?! I can’t imagine him doing some household chores for me, when he doesn’t live with me… I mean I was perfectly fine I could have done it, I was just being lazy! He also mentions about how much he likes that I have dogs – not because he likes the dogs but because they have made my house messy & it no longer looks like a show home. I love my dogs but their hair is so fucking annoying, I hate that he notices it, I make an effort to clean when he is coming over, particularly my sheets but he says he’s always covered in hair & thankful that he has pets to blame their hair.

Something he won’t understand & doesn’t but I am very orderly so I have things in their place, even in my fridge, which the couple of days he was here before we went to Victor he messed up the drinks & other things as a joke but also to see how long I would last, which I left it because he was coming back the next day but when I knew he wasn’t coming back I put everything back where it should be. I may have OCD not ADHD! Hahaha. He tells me “You know I’m going to fuck with your fridge every time now.” Yeah I don’t doubt that to be perfectly honest! It’s weird when we’re kids we’re taught as little girls that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you… I guess this isn’t being mean but if a guy is being cheeky with you in this way, it means he likes you, right? “You fucking around with my fridge is funny & cute… (for now!!) & that’s special to me… I don’t think anyone has ever noticed my organisation in my fridge.” He won’t get it, & he won’t get the things I find special to our relationship…

He talks a lot about work & how much of a struggle his first year at this new job was because of the store he was at & then he got moved & was then appreciated that things were better for him. He says that when he gets down he pushes people away. He says that he was given bad reviews at work all the time (why wasn’t he fired? I get told how great I am, then am fired a week later!) but he says “So yeah I push away. If I ever push you away. It means I’m struggling.” I guess that was true when he was getting married & had the baby, he pushed me away, pushed me away so much so I ended it. I tell him that he gets really mean too when he’s pushing me away & he says it’s his natural defence. I usually use humour as my defence, like if I a make a joke about me being single or fat to you, I do it so I can put it out there that I already know so I don’t need you to tell me, sort of thing.

Our conversations jump from talking about us not being able to kiss this week but still having hot as fuck sex, to me calling him hot & him saying that I never call him hot, to me never being hugged & loving his hugs, to food, to both of us saying how much we’ve be loving the new dynamic of phone calls. I tell him that we need a topic board because when he goes offline I still have so many things to say but then forget when he comes back online because then we talk about something else & I forget.

I do mention “I still can’t get over your reaction to my blog… Everytime I look at my bracelet, I think how stuoid I was to think you’d hate me…” He should hate me, I don’t think I would feel the same as he does, but I am thankful that he does. “There isn’t alot of awful things I said in the blog. Don’t get me wrong. There is some in there. But the positive outweighs the negative. And I 100% have been bad to you. Sometimes I was genuinely being mean. And it’s not funny… Calling you a slut post affair. That oddly just spurred you on. Telling you about my sex life with me wife. Which oddly just spurred you on. That was all done to intentially hurt you. I wanted you to hate me.” I always wonder why he didn’t just block & ghost me, why he had to hurt me & make me hate him, if he stayed away from the fucking groups when he came back on the chat app with his ever so kinky wife, I never would have known about it. But he tells me “I did not want to feel special to you. I was hoping if I pushed you enough. I would stop loving you. You would give me a reason to hate you. And I was trying my hardest. To give you a reason to hate me.” He still could have blocked me! When he came back I told him about going to maslins & the sex parties to get his attention that I was kinkier than she was, that I was more fun, but he took it as he wasn’t cool enough for me, so he stayed with her. Not saying that things would have been different but if I wasn’t trying so hard to try to impress him, but maybe my whole life would be different.

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Belly Button

02 April 2025 – The funny thing is that Phoenix says that I was the only one during the first affair towards the end & the second affair was a different story that he was chatting too, because I had Motocross (which I clearly didn’t) he thought it was fair game when he rejoined the chat app to stalk me that he could chat to others. But for me, affair two I was so fucking open with him, spouting how much I loved him so he knew, so he believed me, thinking it would change something between us. But now I realise that he was not in it at all, he was weeks away from getting married, he was chatting to other women who were doing everything they could to piss me off publicly in groups & I sat there like a fucking fool thinking I was actually making a difference. When I realised I wasn’t, I ended it… But of course Phoenix has made up his mind that he was the fool for telling me he loved me in the first affair when I had the same friendship with Rob Rob as I did with him – which is fucking bullshit, I never had the same friendship with Rob Rob & still don’t… He didn’t even know my name for years… Rob Rob & I have the same birthday, but I didn’t know that for years either. I knew nothing about him & the sex talk was usually Rob Rob asking me what I did with Phoenix.

He says “Clearly I had too much competition.” But is he kidding me?! “Clearly you had none, cos I’m still fucking you 8 years later & barely talk to anyone else.” There is no one else, the friendship he read about is 100% not at all like he thinks it is… I tell him he can go through my phone, I have nothing to fucking hide. I barely chat to anyone, Phoenix & I were barely chatting too, I haven’t chatted to anyone regularly in a really long time. He still thinks that I would have fallen for them if they put in more effort… I don’t agree, I was never interested in them like I was instantly with Phoenix. I saw his tiny profile picture & I wanted him. I haven’t ever done that with anyone else ever. If there was such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me! I don’t even know how we get onto this & fight “How do we have a great time together, make some of the specialist of memories for me, then we go our separate ways & fight over my blog…?? “ For fuck sake… “Well I wasn’t fighting originally… But then I got pissed off. Fyi. I was not thinking about fucking anyone during the last 3 months of our affair…and hardly touching my wife (which is what made her suspect it), hardly pmd anyone but you too. But I was just part of a list of married men 🤷‍♂️” Sorry, how was I supposed to know he barely touched her?! Firstly she’d just had complications towards the end of he pregnancy & he has to help her with everything, then she just had a fucking baby so she shouldn’t have been having sex anyway but I somehow found out, assuming he told me but I can’t remember, that they had sex three weeks after the baby was born so bull fucking shit he barely touched her in the last three months because of me!

Then it’s like a switch goes off in his head “I’m literally being fucking stupid about something from 7 years ago lol. I’m stupid for even caring about it. I’m sorry for bringing it up again. I missed kissing you so much over the last 2 days.” I agree with him about the kissing, I fucking missed it & I tell him that I am glad he cares but yeah we keep bringing up the past & it’s all we fight about. I wish he could really see past the shit that he is focusing on & see that he is the most special person to me, ever. I wanted this man wholey & soley in my life, forever. So much so that eight years later I am still in this with my walls crumbling, not brick by brick, they all came down the second he said he wanted to make an effort with me. (even if I deny it!) It’s like he’s finally got clarity somehow “At the end of the day every decision you made, or friendship or you just experimenting your sexual side. Lead to you meeting me and fucking me. I’m all part of a big story that wouldn’t happen. If you were not that way.” If I hadn’t been through everything I went through, I wouldn’t have been open to what we became… He realises that I was learning how to be vulnerable, how to love, how to be with someone without using sex to get them to like them, he taught me so much & I needed to go through all that shit to get to where we are today. “You didn’t even know you had feelings for me. You didn’t even know you loved me. I had to tell you lol. And the only reason I told you. Was because it was happening to me.” It’s like he’s read the part where I am still unsure what I am feeling. It’s interesting reading back on that & the evolution of my feelings & when I realised it.

As we talk about how he thinks I got close to ending it with him during affair one, which I did but couldn’t ever go through with it, he says “I think I subconsciously wanted to get caught .. It was becoming extremely hard.” Oh I know he wanted to get caught because he wouldn’t end it with her & he wouldn’t end it with me, so if he got caught it would be up to one of us to end it & he wouldn’t have to choose. She had more than I did to hold him, I was a secret. No one knew about me & he told everyone it was just sex so of course no one in his life was in my side & told him to leave her for me. “I can assure you though. It’s not as easy and simple for me as you think. I would never recommend anyone to have an affair. Unless it’s a once off. And just the whole mind fuck being in love with someone single with no rules and experiencing with sex and trying not to be jealous. And having no right to impose any rules. It’s fucked. And so hard.” I know it’s hard but he chooses to do it anyway & he chooses how he treats me… “And the last 3 months of our first affair and the entire 2nd affair was hard on me, you probally got it way worse however! Yeah it’s even worse for me… It’s why I justify everything you did and the reason why you justified itt. I deserved it .Was part of the deal. I saw it basically as a punishment.. Not intentional on your side…” After finding out stuff he was doing in affair two, I realise now that he was not even interested in me during that time, so I call bullshit that it was hard on him then. Funnily enough he says “If I had it my way during the first affair I would of banned you from anything sexual with anyone haha…no couples , no kink, no single men, no dates. And I was like that around 3 month mark” What he doesn’t realise is that I barely spoke to anyone, went on dates or fuck anyone else, he’s read my blog & thinks I was doing way more than I did. & how could he ban me when he was fucking his wife!! He fucking got her pregnant! Funny as I have this thought, he messages “So I made it a point to never ask that of you. And tried to hide my jealously as best as I could. Even if it made me jealous , or once I got feelings it started to hurt. But I’m sure knocking up my wife hurt you 🤷‍♂️” His way of dealing with me fucking someone else or talking to someone else was to make me feel bad about it or make me jealous by flirting with someone else, rather than just asking me not to fuck anyone else. I agree that I was hurt & he says “You got hurt the mosr. You always got the worse end. I’m not going to deny that. We never set many boundaries. You did nothing wrong.” Fuck, I can’t believe that he is admitting this shit to me… Who the fuck is this guy?! The one that only a few days ago (maybe a week) was rubbing in my face that he would have fucked Cowboys Mistress & even had her address, but she lived too far away… He’s bi-polar, I can’t keep up, my head is spinning!

Then as he has to go that afternoon, he says “I might leave it here. Cos I’ll be gone soon. And you hate me suddenly disappearing See its hard to say good bye and easier to disappear!” Fuck is he finally getting it? Yeah easier for him to just leave me hanging rather than saying goodbye cos it’s hard for him to do so, “Noooo. I do miss you. All the fuckin time.” Well that’s at least good to know… Hahaha.

Later he tells me “We needed to have that walk. Was a nice thing to do. We didn’t do anything sexual the entire time. We should of done that a long time ago.” I say something that I don’t think he’ll believe but every sexual experience I’ve had has basically been fuelled with alcohol, there are a few sober moments with men, but not many where I haven’t at least had one drink. But ironically, there is one time I have had two alcohol drinks with Phoenix, one wine the first night we fucked & on the day of the threesome, I had one drink because he brought two.

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03 April 2025 – I get a good morning message for when I wake up that I say good morning back “I love waking up to messages from you. Makes me smile everyday.” Something so mundane that I think that if we lived together I wouldn’t get so I treasure these messages, because I also think that’s part of what keeps the spark alive with us, is that we make more of an effort because we don’t get to see each other all the time, “I’m glad after all these years a simple morning message still makes you smile !” I wish I was able to be the first to send him messages sometimes but he’s always up just at 4:00am. He says that I make him smile, especially when I call him Buttercup – still trying to find a nickname that I like for him.

He casually adds in “Oh yeah I’m working both days this weekend if you wanted to catch up for lunch on Sunday.” I can see this weekend lunch break date becoming a regular thing, that I even start scheduling my clients after 10:30am on a Saturday so I can make sure that I have time to see him on his 9:00am/9:30am break. I don’t mind going to see him for a shot sexless break, I would have done it every fucking weekend if he asked me too… I hope that by the weekend I will be able to kiss him again, I have missed it & he says “I gotta admit. It was fucking hard not kissing you! And I missed it soooo much.” I think this has a double meaning, not just the last few days but also seeing me & kissing me as much as we have in the last few weeks. Seeing each other a couple of times a week since this weird phase started.

As we’re talking about the fact that I have a UTI from sex this week, which is weird because I am on antibiotics for my mouth, it’s a mild UTI & it’s weird I am so open to tell him, but I want to be more open about this kind of stuff, This is the stuff Boyfriend had a problem with because I wasn’t open about it with him. I remind Phoenix that its probably because he’s started this new thing of rubbing my clit really lightly until I am gyrating my hips into his hand & cumming against him. I say that I think I did go to the toilet, but I cannot genuinely say if I showered or not after he left. It gets us onto what could be the most fucking exasperating conversation we have… “Also that wouldn’t of helped … if you didn’t shower. Your body… or cunt didn’t smell… 🤷‍♂️ Haha that reminds me. Cowboy thought your belly button stunk when he fucked you. I never told you that haha. I’ve personally never noticed it tho.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?!  “But I’m not going sniffing there either.. Apparently it smelt? The day you fucked him. You didn’t clean it out properly.” Firstly why oh why does Phoenix have to bring this shit up knowing how I feel about my past & why now when we are in a good place, because all it does is remind me how much of a fuckwit Cowboy was & that Phoenix was talking intimate details about me to Cowboys Mistress – but apparently I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else about Phoenix!!

I don’t even know how Cowboy smelt it & how fucking stinky it must be for him to notice it… “And this got passed onto me lol. Apparently he did somehow 🤷‍♂️” I don’t think that needed to be said, clearly it got passed around the chat app, I feel like such a fucking fool, the fucking laughing stock of the chat app & I think the thing that is making me the most angry here, is that Phoenix would not have defended me to Cowboy’s Mistress at all, they flirted in the chat app public groups in front of me while having a fucking private chat about my supposedly stinky belly button… This is a new level of humiliation I have never felt before… “So glad I was so popular on the chat app people talked about the scent of my belly button.” So many things over the last eight years with Phoenix have made me feel so fucking stupid, so foolish, so dumb. But this, this is just fucking malicious & invasive, to top it off, this was over five years ago & I am just finding it out now… Phoenix tries to write it off “Hahaha I’m just curious how it even came up in convo between the two… Pretty sure he got jealous haha. She made it out that she was fucking me. So he must of told her out of jealousy.”

So Cowboy knew I was with Noodle but it had ended by the time I even considered meeting him. Then over a year later, Silverlining came back online, finds Cowboys Mistress & even though Silverlining was apparently not putting his persona out there that he is the same person as Noodle, he told her that he’s fucking me. She then realises that I fucked Cowboy once, so she tries to make me jealous & Cowboy tries to make her jealous, all at my expense?! Someone who didn’t know Cowboys Mistress & someone who didn’t know Cowboy was married or had a mistress when I met him… So I am just the laughingstock. Fuck, I understand why Phoenix’s wife was having a good laugh when she made Phoenix bring her to my street under the guise of a panic attack for cheap beauty treatments, while I didn’t do anything to her – I am not committed to her or know her, I understand her vendetta against me, but I never did anything to Cowboys Mistress… I didn’t know Cowboy was married so I didn’t know he had a mistress!! What’s worse, if it’s the person on the chat app that I think it is, I am pretty sure I chatted with her, even sharing a song with her… FUCK. Writing this blog, I feel like such a fucking wanker, that looking back now as I post these, I probably should have walked away from this A3v2.0 with Phoenix right then & there!

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Victor Harbor #2

01 April 2025 – We drive home, holding hands, me tickling his neck & the back of his head, something I have discovered he loves, his hand on my leg, just chatting about shit. I was expecting, as this is really the first real drive with him, that we would listen to music more & not talk. Music is a thing for us, we like similar music, we like lyrics, we notice them. I am thinking that we’ll have some quiet time in the car where the music with permeate & I’ll notice what was playing when the background music turns into the only noise in the car. However, the conversation doesn’t stop, we just dribble shit about everything & anything. It’s still so easy, even though we talked the whole walk around the island, we talked all lunch & the whole time we were eating ice cream. How do we have so much to say? Over text our main topics are sex & food, but face to face, yes we talk about both of those, but not a lot. We don’t have a common interest of chatting in a chat group online anymore & talking about the people in the groups like we have done before. But we talk non stop.

I also mention about geocaching & say that we should look for one & he seems really keen to do it, I guess it’s something different that I’ve never told a man about, ever… I look up the app & tell him to pull into the look out. I use the app to give us the location & we start looking, he seems less keen to get in the bushes, but I have found more than 300 of these & you get used to being in a weird spot & looking in a bush. Sometimes the GPS is a bit off, so we walk around the same spot for a while until I find it & show him what we’re looking for. The thing is that it’s different every single time, but I love that we have found one together. He doesn’t really say too much about it, so I just figure that he think I’m a mega geek, but whatever, it’s something different & if he wants to be special to me, then shit like this is fucking it!

We get home (I love saying we get home!), I get a parcel & the whole time I am opening the parcel he is behind me rubbing my tits, for someone who said we’re not having sex all day, he’s not doing a very good job of resisting me! Within a few minutes of hugging we are stripping each other & fucking over my kitchen table! He makes me sit on the table, then lifts me off & turns me around pounding me from behind. We then head into my bedroom to fuck – so much for not having a lot of sex!!

I think the hardest part of today, was not kissing. Since we’ve been in A3v2.0 we’ve been kissing a lot more, actual tongue pashing – which we did before but I feel like he didn’t use his tongue as much as he does now. We did kiss but not like this & I fucking miss it, even though it’s just been one day. I didn’t really want to kiss him because my fucking breath is rank but also because my mouth is a little sore, I don’t know what his saliva could do to my skin graft healing. I did not pay $4k for the fucking graft to fail. Not kissing while walking was ok, I mean we did a little but just pecks here & there. But not kissing while fucking was so god damn hard & on the stalker video surveillance, I can tell we both struggled with him, him probably because my breath was so gross. I know I said that I wouldn’t kiss Referee if I fucked him for $2500 but that’s not someone I adore & love & think is the sexiest man on the planet for me.

When we are dressed & he is about to leave, I pluck up the courage to give him his present, it’s in a little box that is sort of like a noodle box, he ditches that on the table & takes the keys out of the box. He sort of has this weird look briefly until he realises what it is. They are keys to my house, keys to unfettered access to me. I wish I remember the conversation better because I know he was surprised & thankful that he got a key to my house & he can see they are brand new keys that I had cut. Later he messages to thank me for the keys but says that he wasn’t asking for a key the other day – what he doesn’t know is that when we had that conversation about the key, I already had them for him. “You didn’t ask but I wanted you to have one. I had it cut last week. Brand new, no one has used it…. All yours.” He was going to be getting the no matter what. I don’t think he’ll ever use them without me knowing, but now at least when he plans to come over, like today when I could have been asleep due to the pain medication, he will be able to get in.

He tries to call me & then messages to say that he left his shoes at my house. I ask him if he needs me to meet him somewhere quickly – I know he is going out with friends tonight for a birthday dinner so if he needs them, I can meet him quickly. He says that he will come get them tomorrow, so I smile like a dickhead that he is going to come see me again tomorrow… He says that he hopes he didn’t disappoint me because of the lack of sex, I mean we had sex twice & they were pretty decent sessions, so I am certainly not disappointed. “I mean… No you don’t…. I want sex with you at all times but I love the non sex date with you.. I can’t imagine many guys looked at 10 different menus to find something soft for me to eat… Then ordering mashed potato. And chips cos I wanted them.” He says that he was expecting me to be a bit more sleepy, but he was the one who wanted to go to Victor Harbor!

He goes on a high school tour for his soon & later he tells me I left my jumper in his car – Fuck – it was not one of those  ‘leave something behind so she finds it’ moments, I hope that he doesn’t think that it was, I have had so many opportunities to do that, I have never done it, I am not going to do it now… His wife has a basically brand new car so they don’t take his car out as a family anymore, so he’s hoping she won’t notice but he’s going out for dinner with friends so he’s taken her car, but says that the kids didn’t notice it. He also says that he hopes she doesn’t go through his car – um?! Is that likely?! He said he’s hidden the key under the mat & my jumper under his jumper…  I mean it was a grey jumper, not like it was hot pick or something… I don’t know why but I just assume I am never going to see that jumper again. I ask why he wouldn’t take his own car knowing there is evidence in his car, he says that hers was packed behind. He’s MIA while out with friends, he doesn’t say anything about disappearing that I fall asleep & don’t see the messages that he sends me when he gets home.

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02 April 2025 – The next day he is at my house after school drop off to the camp, he’s been messaging me all morning when I think would be the peak time to be dropping his son off & being with his wife, around 8:00am/8:30am. But he can message freely & is at my house shortly after 9:30am. I feel like my breath is worse today but there is not much I can do about it, I do have stiches in my mouth! He gets to use his key when he gets here because I leave the door locked & stay in bed. Like yesterday he meets me in bed & lays down with me before we have sex – so much for sexless dates & not having sex with me because we ‘can’t have sex all day’, isn’t that what he said?! Hahaha… Sucker.

We get up & I make some more crumpet protein bowls for breakfast. I love just hanging out with him doing the most mundane things like cooking breakfast together. I know that if we lived together that he would probably be in the other room on his computer or some shit, I know our situation is more intimate because we don’t get much time together that this is not normal behaviour, but I am loving that I can pretend that this is how we would be if we were living together. Oddly, I had bought some oxyshred drinks which were so disgusting, that Phoenix liked, so I kept them for him to drink. He helps himself to drinks in my fridge, just sitting there waiting for breakfast chatting to me, but often getting up to stand behind me rubbing my boobs.

It’s funny watching the security camera videos because I don’t notice how much he paces until I look back the videos, usually because I watch them in fast forward as there is no sound on them so it’s just him walking around at double time, then going to my fridge multiple times to look inside it. While he is sitting at the bench stool, I often go up to him & hug him, being that me standing & him sitting we are the same height, it’s kinda cute to watch, I know people can fake it & couples fake affection all the time but I can see in his hugs & touches that he is feeling the same as me, that being here with me like this is how it should be.

After breakfast we go back into my room, we have sex , I have a really intense orgasm – as I am about to cum, I grab his wrists & put them above his head, squeezing them hard, I use that as leverage to ride him at an angle that feel so good, I cum really really hard & must make a weird noise because he asks me if something is wrong, no I just came really hard & different to normal… It was sooo good but I don’t think I can have much more sex with him. So we lay there, touching & enjoying each other’s company. Just before 2:00pm he is adamant he has to go, saying that he has to pick up his groceries & his daughter from school, but I am a petulant child not wanting him to leave…  The last two days have been the best days ever that I don’t want it to end, if he goes home then it’s over & I’m back to work tomorrow… We both agree that time went too fast though both days.

When he is waiting for his daughter to finish school, he sends a mini rant “So the most important thing I got to learn from reading your blog, was that it was okay for me to be friends with you, to love you, and even show you affection …. I mean I took a risk because the last post you made about wanting that from me was a year or two old … But it showed me it was okay to let my guard around you. And that you wanted it and missed it. And I wanted it and missed it too. But never wanted to admit it to you.” The post was posted almost 15 months ago but it was written almost two years ago so I agree with him that it was a bit of a risk on his behalf, but he can fucking see it when he was with me that he could come back to me like this anytime he wanted. He says that he never wanted to cut me off & always wanted to be friends with me, this whole time. I say that I am just cautious because he’s cut me off before “I’ve cut you off once due to circumstances outside of my control but we did keep touch to some extent. And the second time you cut me off… Not me. I was too scared too ever go back to that account and find nothing from you. I stopped checking after a week and never did it again. I sent the last messages…” I cut him because he made me feel so insignificant, he was publicly flirting with someone else in groups, while I was pouring my heart out thinking it would make a difference, then he pushed me to the edge because he was getting married…. So I’d say that I cut him because of the circumstances beyond my control. & the think that’s fucked about him not checking because he didn’t want to see that I hadn’t sent anything, but fuck does he know how it feels to check & see nothing from him when he said he’d chat when he could!? He says he deleted everything in fear of meaning nothing to me but the stupid thing about deleting everything is that I then had no way of contacting him. I couldn’t contact him on any of his real accounts, so him deleting all the fake accounts meant he didn’t want to be found again by me…

I tell him that I was never going to let my guard down with him again but he’s making it so fucking hard. I can pretend the wall is up but it is so fucking down, it is barely grains of sand at this point. I am in this. All in this. I have just given him keys to my house! “Yeah never thought you would give me keys again… That’s insane. It actually makes me feel even more special after everything. You are willing to do that.” It was the perfect gift for our situation now “So anyway, I wanted to give you a key, that makes you finally realise that you’re special to me, now matter who I fucked, where or how many times or if he was married… Something that showed you how much I trust you after eveything & how much I love you.”

#IBD4U

April 2025 – Victor Harbor

01 April 2025 – I wake up day one post-surgery & my breath is RANK. I can smell it, I can taste it. I don’t think I am a person that has smelly breath for the most part, despite what Phoenix would say about our first sex meeting where I had garlic breath, but it’s not a stinky mouth as such, especially in the mornings. But this is fucking gross, I am so conscious of it, that I look at my messages, he says he’ll be here after 8:00am, I get up, sort the dogs, open the roller door, unlock the front door, give my mouth a rinse with the medicated mouth wash & get back into bed.

I am not as groggy as I thought I would be, my mouth isn’t that sore, I was expecting my gums to hurt & throb because they did a deep clean while I was asleep, but no real pain at all, just one side of the roof of my mouth has stitches which sort of feels like the roof of my mouth has been burned & there is fishing wire up there. The gum graft itself is against my lower lip so it’s not painful, but I can feel the fishing line type stiches against my inner lip, which is scratching. I realise again that the stiches aren’t dissolvable, I have to have these in for two weeks. Fuck I hope my breath doesn’t smell for that long! I tell him that he needs to be prepared & he says that he wasn’t planning on pashing me all day anyway. I say that he’s not going to be able too & he says “I know hence why I said we shouldn’t be having sex from fhe d. Start!.” I say that we will see about sex & he snaps my name, misspelling it with a Z & says that, “You don’t always need to fuck me.” I tell him that it’s not always about him, but I look like shit also. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to fuck me based on looks & smell… I have no lashes on & no makeup to counteract the lack of lashes, my breath smells, fuck this is not a good look!

He walks in & I am in bed, I am not as tired as I thought I would be but I’ve gotten back into bed, avoiding pain killers because I don’t want to sleep all day – like the infamous Origin night, he walks into my room with a bunch of flowers & a tub of connoisseur cookies & cream ice cream – my favourite! He puts the flowers down on my bed side table, not actually giving them to me, but fuck… He got me flowers – again! He even sort of shakes the ice cream in my direction, not really giving that to me either or showing me, before he goes to put it in my freezer. Fuck he is the cutest! I love that he has probably just gone to the supermarket to get it with some flowers – though even supermarket flowers aren’t cheap & shitty like they used to be, but I don’t care if he picked sour sobs from my front lawn & gave to me, I fucking love it. I don’t care where they are from or how much they are worth; I adore the gesture & love that he thought to buy me flowers & ice cream because I had surgery. I fucking love this man so much.

He climbs into bed with me & we kiss a little, I am more worried about our lips touching hard together & knocking the stitches, or smacking our teeth together, not that we’ve ever done that before but today will probably be the day! I also mention that I won’t be able to suck his dick or put my cummy fingers in my mouth, I think the bacteria from penis & vagina juices might cause a problem & he agrees. But I have been given a course of antibiotics anyway as a preventative measure, which I am not that happy about, I don’t love antibiotics.

He doesn’t want to lie around all day having sex & says that we can’t just lay here all day. I am not feeling too bad & haven’t taken any additional pain relief this morning, I did pop a Nurofen only but was given something harder by the anaesthetist which I don’t think I even took last night. Because I am naked, he is rubbing me all over & I want sex, which he says I can’t have it & that we have to go out for the day because I can’t be moaning & have my mouth open or bite down when I cum, so we have to go out. Okay, okay, we’ll go out but sex first! He gets me going just from running his hands all over me, that I push him back on the pillows & I say ‘just a quick orgasm & then I will happily go out.’ I slide down over his cock, I fuck him till I cum – probably multiple times to be perfectly honest – I don’t notice that I bite down when I cum, so I think he was just using that as an excuse… When we are done, we get up & get ready to go out. I am conscious of something he has said about his wife & her getting ready. That it takes forever, she has to iron the clothes that she is going to wear & then obviously he has to get the kids ready too, so it takes hours to get out the house. It’s a cooler day so I do put on jeans & a cross over top with sneakers. In my haste to be quick, I don’t even put on mascara or makeup. Luckily, I always wear sunnies so I have my bald eyes covered.

The plan is to drive to Victor Harbor & walk around Granite Island then some lunch, ice cream & then head home, so I feel this casual outfit is a good choice. He’s told me no sex on this date, we’ve just fucked, so this is probably the hardest outfit to have random sex in if the urge does come over us while we’re out. I put the present in my handbag & I’ll find the right moment to give it to him… I haven’t been in the car much with Phoenix driving, in fact he drove my work cark once & otherwise it’s always me driving. Also this is the first time I have ever been in his car, having never been allowed in it because it was the family car before she got a new car & my perfume smells… But him driving, his car… This feels very couply. This feels very relationshipy.

The drive down to Victor Harbor is about an hour, we talk the whole time, he touches me, holds my hand the whole way & we listen to music. We talk about so much stuff that I can’t even remember it all… I don’t remember what we said but I know both of us crack the shits at each other about something, no doubt he’s pissed about something in my blog & no doubt he said something douchy that made me angry. But we never stay angry long.

He pulls into a carpark & we walk holding hands, which makes my tummy do a little flip every time our hands connect, there is something about being in public holding hands. He doesn’t get it really, he’s had a partner for pretty much his whole life, so he’s held hands probably a lot. I have held hands with two men in my life that I have cared about. Remember the Plumber who wanted to hold my hand & I said no, even though I had sex with him. So for me holding hands is something so couply, so relationshipy, that I never really wanted to do it with anyone because I wasn’t in a relationship with them. But with Phoenix, it feels so right (When we get it the right way! Hahaha, I prefer my hand under & his over. He doesn’t think it makes a difference, but it feels weird – maybe because of our heights, but I prefer to be under.) to hold his hand & walk along. Like we have been doing it the whole time.

I need to go to the toilet, and so we find a public toilet. I know his thoughts on public toilet sex & even though I genuinely need to go, I don’t want him to think I am trying to persuade him into having sex with me in a public toilet. Given he is vehemently against it now, I don’t want him to think I am trying to change his mind or luring him into the toilet. So I tell him that his cum is leaking out of me, then I rush in & quickly rush out & then stupidly apologising for needing to go. He’s pacing around outside, not close by when I come out. I don’t think that’s anything & maybe he doesn’t even think about it at all, but I am so conscious of the fact he doesn’t want to fuck me in a public toilet anymore.

As we walk around Granite Island, he gives me lots of info about the penguins, I have been here as a kid at night on a school camp but never during the day – we don’t see any penguins anyway. I see a chick taking selfies & all I want to do is take a selfie with him. I don’t & I don’t ask because firstly, I am wearing no make-up & no lashes because of the surgery & secondly, I don’t think that he will want to take one, scared that I would post on social media or something, maybe use it as blackmail…. Maybe I watch too much true crime, but I am also picturing it on a true crime show when I am murdered… I don’t know but if I was in his situation I would be reluctant to take photos with my mistress, but fuck me, I want pics of us… I wish we had some from when we first met to see how different we look together now eight years later. But anyway, I don’t think this is a right time to take pics.

We get up to a lookout & he walks me closer to the edge of a cliff face, standing behind me, all manly, then because no one is around he rubs his hands over my tits. But I have intrusive thoughts – which he thinks (& are) ridiculous, but that’s why they’re called intrusive thoughts, right?! I don’t even mean too, but I say something to him about him pushing me off the cliff – it’s not even that much of a cliff but it would hurt if I fell. He seems to get semi offended, but it’s just an insight into how weird my brain is or how much true crime I watch, not that I actually think that he is going to push me off a cliff! But it is something I thought about while having this amazing private, couple moment, I am thinking of him killing me! Bahahaha – yeah I’m a weirdo!  

We keep walking the whole way around the island, stopping along the way to look at the view & kiss or hug, at one point he gets so fucking angry about my blog of course & something in there, that he is holding my hand but he is speaking to me in a way that the people that just walked past us would think I am in an abusive relationship, I have to turn to him & calm him down but he keeps trying to walk off, snapping at me. After he calms down, we have a laugh about it. I can only laugh now when brings up the blog because I can’t feel shit about it anymore.

It’s almost 11:00am so we start looking for somewhere for lunch. It’s not really soup weather, but I tell him that I definitely need something soft to eat. We walk around looking at all the menus at the various restaurants and pubs, I don’t notice it right away, we go to a few places before I pick up on it that he is actually really concerned about what I can eat & what I will eat looking at every menu for soup. I genuinely just thought he wasn’t that keen on the places, so we kept looking, but he wasn’t looking for him, he was looking for me!  Knowing I am a fairly bland eater – he calls me a girl eater or something, girl tastes, whatever, but I realise that he is really looking at all the menus for soups. We look at every restaurant & I just say I’ll have a smoothie from the second place we walked past, but he doesn’t seem happy about that – later he tells me that he didn’t want me to just have a smoothie for lunch. We settle at a pub that has a few things, I want some chips but also mashed potato. When I order the fritter things that I think will be soft, I don’t order mashed potato, having forgotten I even said I wanted it. But Phoenix steps up to order his lunch as orders a side of mashed potato & I swear that if I wasn’t already in love with this man, I definitely am now! Fuck he is so cute & thoughtful. I haven’t had a partner for so long, I didn’t remember that I should have a man like this – I didn’t know he could be like this, he is not a big tough guy, he’s a fucking softie… Fuck he must love me – or just wants to get into my pants… Nah, he can do that without being an adorable guy! He fucking loves me & cares about me.

He asks how my mouth is while I am eating & making sure that I am ok. He eats super-fast, like it’s so scary how fast he eats compared to me. I mean I am eating extra slow because with every bite I get something stuck in the stiches on the roof of my mouth, so I am unusually slow, but he is so fast. He offers me a bite of his & he finishes off whatever I don’t eat on my plate. He mentions a few times about how that meal was perfect for me & my mouth & he seems genuinely concerned but happy that we found something that I could eat & fill me up, which is when I realise that he was searching for soup for me.

So I have told him I have the present for him. I have it in my bag this whole time, walking all around granite island with it, thinking I should have given them to him if we sat down but we didn’t. I think at lunch it’ll be a good time but I lose my nerve & don’t give them to him – I wish I gave them to him, I reach into my bag twice to pull out the box I put them in, considering I have just realised about walking into 10 different restaurants looking for soup…. Our lunch is so delicious, our conversation is so easy, fuck knows what we talk about now but God, the conversations can be so random but so free flowing, sometimes completely vapid & sometimes deeper. I feel like I can say anything to him & not care what he thinks – I mean I care but I mean I know he’s not going to judge me, he may make fun & we have some banter but he won’t think I’m an actual idiot.

After lunch we walk around a little more & to an ice cream shop, where we get an ice cream each. Since he paid for lunch, I paid for the ice creams & to my surprise, he sits at the table out the front in the sun to eat them. He offers me a taste of his boysenberry, which is nice & I give him a taste of mine too, loving the sharing of food experience that I haven’t had ever really. I mean being single & only being on a few dates with guys, you don’t often share your food with a first or second date. This is the first real date. I mean when he’s met me for lunch at work, he’s eaten my leftovers, but this is just us, not rushing to go back to work. Just us hanging out. I fucking love it.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Surgery

31 March 2025 – The day of my gum graft surgery, I wake up to a message from him ”Good morning my nectarine when you get up” we message a little bit before I go to the gym & we chat all the way till I get to the clinic, we’re talking about his usual bed times & how he’s been coming back online every night to talk to me, which I know he has, but he generally goes to sleep about 10:00pm – 10:30pm. He says something about staying up later when it’s his day off, today is his day off & he had to go early last night… I tell him not to tell me why he doesn’t come back online because in my head, it’s because he’s having hot kinky sex with her, but he says, “And I just aim form. 10.30 to talk as long as I can.. And get some sleep  You are an idiot. I rarely have sex with My wife at night…” & my gut wretches & I can’t help but say, “’at night’… yeah good one…” FUCK. So they have morning sex – no that can’t be right, he’s said they don’t have morning sex because she doesn’t like it because he’s too rough (so much for the kinky lifestyle!) & that leaves the middle of the day & fuck I don’t want to think about that cos I already think about that more than I want too.

He says that they are all having the day off for his daughters birthday – oh great he’s probably going to have day sex with her today. FUCK. Considering they all were off yesterday, why the fuck would you miss school & work for the actual day? He says it’s a ‘thing’ people do these days, I just think it’s weird, no one in my family does that… But fuck, I can’t think of this shit right before surgery. Why is this the first he’s told me about all of them having today off? So he’s got today off, got tomorrow off & seeing me, then got Wednesday off for his son’s camp but apparently seeing me?! FUCK SAKE… I am so glad I am going to be out of it soon! They’re all off, they’re all at home, it’s their kids birthday so surely she isn’t going to be asleep late, I am still being dropped off at the clinic so I say, “Don’t let me keep you” because I don’t want him to keep talking me & not be there for his kids, after all they are the reason he chose to stay with her, I never want to be the reason he doesn’t spend time with his kids. Ever. “Shell be up soom. You don’t keep me. Stop saying stupid shit like that. You are not obligation to me. Stop acting Like you are. I genuinely care And love you. Good luck work your surgery today.” & with that, he is gone. I write back but it never gets read while I am waiting around for my surgery. The thing that shits me is that he says I don’t keep him but yet he is gone so quickly. “I’m not acting like you don’t care or love me… I’m acting like you’re going to go offline soon & won’t say goodbye” As predicted, he didn’t say goodbye, I mean he said good luck with the surgery but that’s not a goodbye, is it?

The surgery goes well, I am just groggy, I am not really sore. It just feels like I have a roll of fishing wire in my mouth rubbing against my lip & on the roof of my mouth. I can’t really look at my phone but I try to read his reply “I did have to go off-line. But never want to say good bye 🤷‍♂️ But I will be thinking of you today! Seven today she’s getting big haha. I hope your mouth isn’t feeling too bad when your out.” Fuck, I met him a year before she was born… He sends a pic of her, she’s fucking cute & I’m sad I never got that before… I mean I knew this cos I had to convince him of our anniversary & he says that if he couldn’t pinpoint it with something like her birth he probably wouldn’t have believed it was eight years with me.

Also side note, the fact that he doesn’t want to say goodbye, I get that sentiment, it’s very cute & I love when he says shit like that to me, because I feel the same way, I don’t want to say goodbye when he has to go offline, but fuck, not saying anything & just logging off, how is that better?! He logs off & goes about his life, I go about my life obviously, but I am always waiting for him to come back online & like a fuckwit, I am always available.

Phoenix has been semi planning tomorrow or Wednesday – which ever day he is going to see me, which is unlike him. He’d suggested going to Victor Harbor for the day… A date. A proper date. This v2.0 we’ve had a few sexless dates, a pasta picnic and work lunch breaks at my work, a couple at his work, so this isn’t a completely new thing with Phoenix anymore, but a whole day? He spent half a day here before recently, but this is a whole day. A whole day where he will be ‘looking after’ me after surgery. He is very concerned about it & telling me that we will not being having a lot of sex because I won’t be able to moan or open my mouth much, I keep telling him that he is not my Dr & we will see how I feel. I know he’d picked the Wednesday because I won’t be as sore two days after & not on as much medication. I am petrified that I will be too tired from pain meds that he will have taken the whole day off & get pissed if I sleep all day… I don’t want to sleep around him at all, I never wanted that when I did it like 5 or 6 years ago, but he hasn’t let it go – still to the very days he brings up how close he was to blocking me after that. This time I guess he knows that he’s the only one I am seeing & fucking, plus this is surgery recovery.

We obviously have a few issues given he’s married & him being unable to see me when I want, but one of the problems with our relationship is that I am a planner & he is not. Since he mentioned that we will go for a drive to Victor Harbor, I have planned the whole day in my head, I plan several versions – most of the versions I don’t even let him know about, that I have dreamt them up, so for me when he changes the goal post with the day, time or his availability, I get disappointed, not because he has let me down, because he actually hasn’t but because he didn’t know I had a whole day planned date in my head, almost down to the minute of what we would & could do, including contingencies for weather. So what he doesn’t realise & will probably never understand, is that when I get upset about him bailing, not only does he never say sorry, but it is partly not his fault that I have planned something & not let him in on it & then I get pissed off because I have to change my fantasy date. It so stupid but I can’t help it.

It’s not a major surgery, just a gum skin graft – they take some skin from the roof of my mouth & fix my receding gum that I have on one tooth. It’s something that I had needed for many years & kept putting off, mainly due to the fact it is $4000. I swoon at the thought of Phoenix taking the day off to ‘look after’ me. No one has ever given a fuck about me after surgery & I don’t get a lot of sympathy when sick – my sister will message, sometimes mum or dad, but not like someone is going to be with me during the recovery of something. No one stayed over when I had my breast reduction, my mum choosing her own bed over being here at my house – she did try to get me to stay at her house – but I like her, wanted my own bed! When I had my tummy tuck, the same thing, no one came to visit me in the hospital that surgery. I don’t usually take a lot of meds anyway after surgeries but I am really worried about being tired. This is my mouth & they will be cleaning under my gums also, I think that my whole mouth is going to ache afterwards. I don’t fucking know how I will wake up…

I have stocked up on so many soft foods like custards & purees, yoghurts, soups & frozen mashed potato because I don’t even know if I will be fucked cooking, but they haven’t been very forth coming on what I can eat afterwards or when I will be able to eat. I find out after I am out of surgery that I have these fishing line type stiches in my mouth for two fucking weeks before they get taken out, surely, they are dissolvable?! NOPE. They are probably not fishing wire but fuck it feels like they are. It’s blue & it feels sharp & like there is so much of it in there. They tell me I’m not allowed to play with it with my tongue, but do you think my tongue will leave it alone?! NOPE.

I am so groggy that I can barely message, that by the end of the night we’ve sent about five messages to each other between my sleepy day. He’d sent me a picture of his daughter standing there all cute in a dress, seemingly at the movies or somewhere for her birthday, “She looks so happy! Hope you’ve had a good day. It’s not too sore atm but have slept all day since I got home.” I fall back asleep, not that sore but I am so groggy from the anaesthetic. “Yeah I figured you would be knocked out all day. How are the gums feeling?” I Have no idea what I am saying, “Just swollen & the stitches feel so move” Feel so move?! What the fuck does that mean?! I wake up a few more times throughout the afternoon/evening but I see his messages all in a row, “Sounds pretty bad…. I’m still all good to see you tommorow 🙂 so I’ll head down tommorow morning if your awake then haha. Night #IBD4U” I send “It’s ok. Message me what time. Night P” & I fall into a blissful night’s sleep. I usually sleep so shit when I think that Phoenix will bail the next day, or when I think he’ll be here really early, I don’t want to sleep through it, well he’ll have keys soon so I won’t have to worry about that, but I do sleep well tonight, maybe it’s the drugs, maybe it’s so I can dream of a whole day with Phoenix.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Dumb Questions

29 March 2025 – I drive to his work, not because I think he deserves to see me, but I deserve to see him. I have just cried, which is so unlike me but there is a bit of emotion in my life at the moment, so I am not surprised that this has come out after a huge morning. We hug & talk for his short 30 minute break, I drive 20 minutes each way to get this hug, I want to see him & want the sexless dates.

He thanks me for coming down to see him, which I think is weird, he never thanks me for anything, ever. “I am trying to be nicer to you! You have driven nearly 20 minutes out of your way to come and see me… and not for very long. I never really looked at things from your perpective until I read your blog, what you did for our affairs or even to just to see me. even just to make it work now. but I also have my dick moments every now and then too :P” I mean the drive wasn’t entirely for selfless reasons, so I don’t mind, I wanted to see him & like going to his work, I just wish I took him some food.

We talk about not crying, I haven’t cried in a long time & he says that he lost it at his nanna’s funeral & I can’t help but picture his wife not supporting him – she probably did but I don’t want to think about it, I wish I was there for him or knew about it. I wish I was there to hug him when it happened, or that he even told me. He only told me she died when he got an inheritance from her. I never knew until now that he saw her or was upset about her death. I feel like an awful friend because I wasn’t there for him. How can we think we are more than sex if I didn’t even know someone significant died in his life?!

We had talked about the blog & I have to say I hate talking to him about it because I still think he should hate me for it, so I don’t want to keep justifying why he should hate me & then he change his mind “I was petrified of you reading the blog & I reckon a few years ago you would not have been able to reflect the way you have… You would have 100% hated me, thought I did it on purpose etc…” He asks why because I actually write about him in a good light even when we break up & because it existed before him, it wasn’t 100% about him, he just was the main star.

He says “Have you seen our star sign compatibility it snap.” I have no idea where this has come from or where he is going with it. He tells me that it says “We admire each other’s integrity and  Ambition apparently. I don’t believe in star signs , load of horse shit.” I mean we do admire that about each other I guess, so it’s kinda right. But I am not sure I believe star signs really. It’s kinda cute that he notices it though & I can’t help but smile at Mr Tough’s exterior.

He must be getting tired because he’s being all sweet & telling me that he loves me because I have Pepsi Max for him in my fridge when he is perfectly happy to drink coke no sugar. “You are fucking awesome sometimes. Stuff like that makes me love you more haha. It’s the little things.” He says he didn’t nap today & doesn’t want to go to sleep because, “I missed chatting to you.” Then he says randomly “I was so angry the other night hey… That i was vibrating the bed. And it kept waking up my wife. And she was like why is the bed shaking.” What the fuck was he angry about?! He says he doesn’t remember why, probably something about my blog & he doesn’t remember when it was but I can’t help but think that he was again chatting to me while in bed with her… He is obviously very tried because then he says “How did I find such a sexy chick. You are amazing. You blow my fuckin mind sometimes. How incredibly sexy you can be. I did get lucky. You have to put up with. My moody byllshjr too.” We say goodnight & I sleep soundly after a weird day, but I have seen & hugged him so everything is right in the world.

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30 March 2025 – I wake up to a good morning message & then realise that Phoenix is reading my blog – still! He asks me a stupid question, “Do you reckon you would still be fucking the crows guy if he made effort too? I mean he was better at head than me and and way buffer than me (I saw his pics !) And he sounded like he did everything I did. But obviously better than I did. Cos I think you would be. I need to stop re reading your blog haha. But I don’t think you would of stopped. I’m sure you would of never fucked me again and eventually forgot me” I mean I highly doubt it, I think he kept seeing me because he enjoyed the drama of talking to Phoenix’s wife, I reckon if that wasn’t happening, Crow’s would have backed away a lot sooner. I ask him “Are you still reading it??? Remember when I wrote it, I was so heart broken, devastated, was hearing all about your wild sex, being blamed for STIs, that my tone of writing is trying to make him & others after you better than you… If we never spoke again, you & I, I would have eventually moved on & thought about you less of course but we didn’t…”

When I wrote about other men, I tried to spin them in good light because wanted them to be better than Noodle who just shattered my heart & told me all about his kinky sex. I mean I still will never understand why Phoenix didn’t just block me, why he had to push me away & make me hate him by telling me all this bullshit, that I still dwell on ‘to this very day’ (to quite Phoenix’s most favourite saying!). I do admit that Crows was better a giving head – I mean he’s read that now anyway, so can’t lie about it. However, one thing now knowing that Phoenix has read it, he is SOOOO much better at head than he was before. I mean I always thought he was good, but he is definitely back to the top of my list for ever sexual act & experience.

We spend the morning sharing pictures, things that seem to mean nothing like a selfie on him, wearing sunnies while mowing the lawn, but are the everyday mundane things that I love from him. I send him ones of me with brown hair & when I was really overweight, him sending ones when he was younger & overweight. Considering he says that he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 19, he says that he always had a girlfriend & was rarely single – what a fucking surprise! NOT. He is so afraid to be alone, he says that I fuck anything, but he’ll get into a relationship with anything. He obviously is trying to make me jealous since he’s been reading my blog because he tells me that he had multiple FWB’s at one time. But I don’t care, I mean it was years ago… All I am jealous of now is what he had with Cowboy’s mistress & he’s only telling me that because he’s found my blog, not because I am rubbing my blog in his face.

I then ask something really fucking dumb & I wish I didn’t ask. “Oh, I want to know something… Not the nitty gritty with your wife. But just in general… Do you think it’s odd to shower with your partner – like regularly. But you don’t have sex? Either in the shower or ever…” I am thinking about how J-Lo had said that he & his partner shower together most days but they never have sex at all. For me, I can’t imagine getting in a shower with someone & not doing something at least sexual with them. He says he doesn’t think it’s weird, but I do, maybe I’ve been single too long. Then he says “It saves water and gives a s em. And an activity they bond over. Relationships are built on way more than sex, as a single woman in your mid 30s, you probally got way more sex than most married women in the same age range. You were just a twat and thought that’s how you build a relationship. People have sex way more than you think in relationships. Including me haha.” Oh great, I really wish I didn’t fucking ask…“Forget I asked. I don’t want to know actually.” I don’t want to think about how much sex Phoenix is getting. He quickly adds “Way less * That was a typo. People have sex way less than you think. Haha just surprised you would ask me. You make it clear you enjoy baths with me, with no sex. A shower isn’t much different. I feel like a bath is a tad more intimate, and things like my fat gut are more exposed tho than a shower…” I am so fucking sorry I asked, why did I ask him?!  “We have before & after the bath… Just forget it.” Fuck, I wish I could take it back “Just feel like that is a question you should have not asked me 🤷‍♂️. Also just comes across your chatting to married dudes to me haha.” I just say that he is right I am wrong, I am not chatting to married men, this was something I thought about a lot “It’s in my blog so it’s not a recent thought. If you want to accuse me of chatting to married people. I am not. Just forget it” FUCK why did I ask that, now I know he showers with her & now I can’t get that thought out of my head. There are times where I just wish he would lie to me…It hurts to think that I only get him sexually & she gets to have non sexual showers with him where he is bonding with her. FUCK.

We switch convos to 69’s & how good the one on my birthday was last year “I really wanted to rim you too haha, this was before I read your blog because your ass was in my face and looked really good … Pretty sure I had never done 69 before you (or after you ….) and I had literally only given head like 3 to 4 times before you …, or if I had it was like once. And you got head rarely for the first 6 months… haha. Also yeah never gone down on my wife🤷‍♂️. And I never enjoyed going down on a chick until you 100%. And now I fucking love it… Like I want to do it. And enjoy it.” I don’t recall ever doing it with anyone before him. Funny that he says that because he was ‘competing’ (in his own head) with all these other guys, that he put in more effort when he fucked me & I did the same because I already liked him & wanted to give him things his wife wouldn’t.

He brings up the fucking public toilet sex & how ‘I wasn’t into the idea’ & I am so annoyed… He says that I saved it for Rob Rob, which I did not. My memory of it is that I looked for public toilets when I started a new job because I didn’t know if I could get away & he was still tracked on the apple stalker app, but he didn’t seem interested in it. “You clearly did it with him. He asked for it and itt was granted. I asked for it and get nothing.” I can honestly say that Phoenix never asked for anything, I suggested every scenario we had, the only thing he ever asked for was the threesome & I made it happen for him. He never made the one I wanted happen for me & then fucked another guy with his kinky wife, so isn’t this the same fucking thing?! I didn’t even know he wanted public toilet sex, he knew damn fucking well it was my number one fantasy & still is, yet his did it with his wife & then fucking told me all about it! I don’t even know what to say to him right now, he is on a rampage that he says “Do what ever you want. Delete me if you need too.” My gut clenches when I read it & I start shaking. “OMG are you being serious? Phoenix?” but he says no that he’s ok & to just ignore him. He says that he wanted some things to be special but because I talked to Rob Rob the whole time & had phone sex with him, let him dominate me that sex with Phoenix isn’t special… Rob Rob has four fucking posts! He is not as significant or special that Phoenix makes him out to be in his puny brain… He says I didn’t beg for a threesome but I told him that was my condition for doing it with Sweetie & him was for him to do it with a guy for me. He never agreed, he says he did & says that I offered up men, but I didn’t & he never did it with me, knowing it was my number one fantasy! He says that he will always be pissed off about it & I wil never see his side of it… No, I probably won’t because I just don’t get it! I told him he would hate me because of the blog, it was only a matter of time.

As he’s saying goodnight this night, he wishes me good luck for my surgery tomorrow & he says that he’ll come give me ice cream & a hug, which I can’t wait for. I tell him that I have a present for him that’s not sexual or lingerie for a change. He says that he’s looking forward to it & we say goodnight.

#IBD4U

March 2025 – Gym

28 March 2025 – The next morning, I almost don’t want to look at his message; I don’t even care what he has to say. I have asked repeatedly for him to not start deep & meaningful conversations right before he has to go & to be more aware of the time, communicating better, so I am not left hanging. Yes, he said goodbye, but it was bye & then log off instantly without waiting… It’s just as bad having my message left on unread, that makes me wish I never sent a message. It’s like when I used to message for Christmas or his birthday back before v2.0 started & days later he’s finally read it. But I look at his several messages that were very early this morning, my ice exterior starts to melt a little, “I didn’t mean to go suddenly last night. I can’t sleep this morning and can’t get you out of my head. I just want you to know. That sometimes I miss you terribly. Hopefully I get some sleep now! Morning for when you get up.” My responses to his conversation are short though, I need to keep my walls up, they are way down & he just logs off like he always has & fuck knows if he’ll come back online. So why do I keep getting annoyed that he doesn’t say a proper goodbye so I don’t feel like a twat, he’s done it for eight years. Should I even be bothered by it after all this time?!

He reads me like a book & asks if I am ok. I am in a sad mood about how he treats me & to top it off, I have to do some work before I go on leave which is due today & the team is so hopeless at helping & explaining – because they have so much to do themselves. I have never done this work before so I have been asking for weeks for help, but they just say click here, click there, but never actually explain what you are supposed to do. In the end, I never learn how to do it & leave without finishing it & I don’t give a fuck!

It’s Friday, usually he says that he won’t be around much today but he hasn’t been, which fucks me off because if I didn’t know their pattern & schedules, I would be sitting around waiting, like usual. He hardly chats after lunch, barely coming back online at night to talk to me after my shit last day at work before surgery on Monday, I am so down about work, I feel so stupid at my job, something I should be good at given my experiences, but they just write reports on reports, copy excel data to a word document & send it to our boss who doesn’t even know what the data means… We have meetings for the sake of meetings & our boss just fucks off all day or works from home 100% of the time, while we can only do one day per fortnight. We never see her. He says “I wish I could give you a hug.” But you can’t, can you Phoenix, you’re not mine & don’t even care if you don’t chat to me… He says he hates seeing me down, & I say I’ll be ok & goodnight.

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29 March 2025 – The next day my mood is not any better. I wake up super early & have to do some fitness test training at the gym – mainly to feel better about myself, I was feeling huge, Phoenix’s wife is now on weight loss injections & skinny, but I feel so huge & unfit.

Now let me preface this story with my gym story – this will be long winded but important, maybe not, but it’s not about Phoenix (if you’re bored of him! Hahaha) you’ll understand why at the end. So late last year I joined a gym, which I am seeing improvements with my fitness I am not seeing improvements with my weight or body shape. Phoenix has told me that he noticed last year after I was fired that I put on weight, I put on about 13kgs in a few months. It all went to my hips, legs & arms. Since being at the gym, I have not noticed any changes. I know that I haven’t been consistent with food, I don’t pretend that the gym is going to be the solution here, I need to sort out my eating situation. There has been a challenge at the gym for six weeks, I was being good with food & going to the gym 4-5 times per week.

I had started at this gym with two lash clients. One lets call Tee & the other Nee. So Tee & I know each other from the little independent gym that I used to go too (who has since closed down) & she became a lash client, we then went to another gym together & were doing spin classes but I felt that I was an intruder with her & another friend so I stopped going to that gym & joined another with a different friend. Nee is Tee’s best friend of 20 years who started coming to me for lashes, who I always struggled to have a normal conversation with, she gives you absolutely nothing when doing her lashes so I just don’t try to chat with her. When I join this gym, I am chatting to Tee & tell her to come for a free week with me too, she does & I also tell Nee that I am going, that Tee might be joining too so Nee decides to too. Great now I have a few friends at the gym!

I had always planned to go to the 5:00pm classes but they couldn’t go to that class & talked me into the 6:00pm classes, I made a Facebook group chat with the two of them about when they are going but shortly after joining they go to a ‘farewell’ of one of the trainers & don’t invite me or tell me they are going. They go to a few classes in the morning but don’t tell me or if I don’t say anything in the group & go to the 6:00pm class, they are there & don’t tell me they were planning on going, so I delete the group & try to focus on myself. I also struggle at this gym because they pair you up in small groups & I am usually with Tee & Nee, which is fine but I don’t feel supported by Nee. I feel like she is competing with me all the fucking time & it’s exhausting. She’s stronger than me so she can lift heavier but my cardio is better. Who cares, lets just work out with our own goals & support each other.

When we are paired together & doing weights class, they give you a schedule of what to lift if you are aiming for a certain amount. So if you’re aiming to lift 50kgs on the last round, they give you what you should start on & what you should go up by each round but she just ignores it & looks all smug about how heavy she is lifting. I am standing there taking off weights, while she adds them on for her turn, outside of the schedule but I am like yeah she’s done 47.5kg squats, but she’s not actually squatting, it’s a bob bend over at best, she’s not even bending her knees with that much weight on her shoulders. I’d rather do 30kgs or less & get my squat right then increase my weights.

So I just try my hardest to focus on me, but it’s so hard because I can’t have a conversation with her or have banter & joke when you don’t get it right. I have that with Tee but she’s stopped coming due to a couple of car accidents so I am always paired with Nee. This is about the time that I start going to the 5:00pm classes, because that was always my plan & then if I have a client after work, then I can still squeeze in the gym session. I need to work on my mental health, while things are good with Phoenix, I hate my job & my body so I need to work out.

Anyway, so the gym has a ‘you vs you’ challenge for six weeks, we started with the benchmark test, a 36 minute session of like ten exercises & runs, that you had to do as much as you can in 36 minutes then in six weeks you re-do the same test again & you see how much you’ve improved. My head fucks me over so much, not just with Tee & Nee but others in the room too. We all start at the same but of course people are speeding ahead of us. I am a little ahead of Tee & Nee, feeling good about how my cardio has already improved since starting at the gym. But when we end, they are on the same exercise as me… WHAT?! HOW?! Did they count right? Did I count right? I was ahead of them by at least two exercises when I finished what I could do, how did they end up on the same exercises – not being able to complete the test at all, which is fine, when I re-do it in six weeks, I will see the improvement, right?

So this morning I have woken up super early & not looking forward to this challenge, there is usually only one class on a Saturday morning but on the test days there are two. I know that Tee isn’t re-testing & Nee is booked in for 7:30am, I change my booking for the 6:30am class knowing I will just be able to do it well without thinking about what she’s up too, who’s ahead of who & who’s counting correctly. It’s a mental challenge, that I don’t want.

So I smash myself at the gym, I do the whole thing in 37.5 minutes & because I only had 20 burpees at the end to go, the gym instructor & a few other people who had finished did them with me, egging me on supporting me. Funnily enough, Nee is there by this stage, being the next session is about to start but she doesn’t come over & support me, cheer me on like some others also had… So even though I don’t finish it in the 36 minutes, I am proud that I kept going & did it all & was only a little over.

When I am finished, my mouth gets all watery & I feel like I am going to vomit, that I high five a few people standing around & run to the toilet. I am so exhausted, sweaty & spitting into the toilet. The feeling of nausea subsides & I get up & go outside into the fresh air to just walk it off a bit. Still nothing from a supposed friend, doesn’t come to see if I am ok, ask how I went – though if she asks how I went, it will only be for selfish reasons to make sure she does better than me. OMG I am so bitchy sometimes! But it’s true…

When I get home, Phoenix sends me some poorly spelt texts “Oh umm. We need to dixs. About next week .. I’m going to c.” Oh great… he’s bailing on me for next week with my surgery. I say “Yeah all good. Don’t worry if you can’t. I figured you couldn’t anyway.” He tells me that his son is going on camp on Wednesday so his wife is going to say goodbye & then he has to pick his daughter up after school because she can’t catch the bus on her own – how did I know that he wouldn’t be able to see me after my surgery… I am exhausted from being up so early, exhausted from really pushing myself so hard to finish & now I’m fucking sad that my married ex-boyfriend has to be a fucking father & partner with someone else…

I don’t look at his messages, I just can’t. He never says sorry when he bails & I just can’t deal with this emotion right now. “So I’ll spend the day with you on Tuesday, and will come visit you for a few hours on Wednesday too. And put in a fake shift for Tuesday instead of Wednesday. If that’s okay with you. I wanted Wednesday because I thought you would be more recovered lol. But have both days off. There is just some bad timing! But I still want to see you and will see you!!” I just don’t want him to go to effort & then have to bail on the day, “See how you go with everything, doesn’t matter, really, it’s all good.” He genuinely seems like he wants to see me but I would rather not be disappointed on the day, “I’m sorry for fucking you around with the days. It matters ttl. To me. Even if it doesn’t to you. So I’ll see you both days!” I don’t want him to make promises he can’t keep, I am trying to let him off the hook, “It’s fine. Dont worry about it. See what happens, I’d rather you not take the days off just to see me. I will be fine, it’s just my mouth.” It’s not really a surgery, it’s my gum, I’m getting a gum graft & a deep clean, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s not open heart surgery, it’s in the periodontists chair, “I literally.. put in a day off for you and only you. Fuckhead. Don’t act like you don’t matter fuckwit. You will not get any sex now, fuck it. No sex! When I see you next week. And I can and will see you. And I’m a stubborn fucker and can do it!!!”

I’m not sure how the threat of no sex will make me feel better, but anyway “I’m not acting like I don’t matter. I don’t want to make it difficult to see me. You’ve got shit on, she will probably stay home & the you’ll have to cancel. I’d just rather not have the excitement then disappointment. So just how it goes. If it happens it happens, if not, it’s fine. I’m honestly ok with it. As you always said, all part of the deal, right?” I delete the countdown that I stupidly made that said ‘Bring IBD4U Ice-cream’ as a joke. He says “I do love you and want to bring you some icecream tho!” I tell him I ordered some in my groceries which is all soft food like yoghurt, fruit purees, frozen mash potato etc, so not to worry, he says “I’ll still bring you some 🙂Stop trying to push me away or pretend I don’t care.”

I have never had anyone look after me after surgery anyway. I mean when I had my tummy tuck, I was In hospital for three nights & for one whole day, no one in my family visited me at all. I guess I deserve this, him cancelling. He is married after all. I can’t expect to have support from him when I want it. I say, trying not to show my disappointment but also want him to know I am disappointed. Phoenix says “I don’t like seeing you all sooky and down. I do want to see you, and sometimes I need to be the one that makes time for you and goes out of my way for it. So just fucking accept ot. And stop being a sorry fuck. I now realize it took it for granted.” It’s not what I am doing, I am trying to be realistic, “I’m not being sooky… Its the reality of our situation & it’s fine.” I sit on the toilet, feel deflated & sad, wondering if I will get to see him at all in the next week or even when will be the next time, “Sure thing. I want to hug you so bad. I can tell you are not in a 100% mindset you know right ?” FUCK, how can he tell over text? The dogs are standing in the hallway from the toilet, they start pawing at something on the ground, I see something black, a small speck so I finish on the toilet, grab the empty toilet roll & bend down to look at whatever the fuck this is on the floor.

BANG…

FUCK…

Dizzy spell…

Spinning room…

I lean against the wall processing what just happened – as I bent down, one of the dogs got under me & lifted his head, we banged heads, really hard that I was knocked so dizzy. Before I realise what is happening, I am crying in the little toilet hallway leaning against both walls, as a little weird howl comes out of me, I realise that I am crying because I am exhausted & hurt – physically & mentally. Not just by Phoenix but by Nee. When I tell Phoenix that I banged heads with the dog & cried he says that he’ll be on his break about 9:00am if I want to go to his work for a hug. I haven’t had a shower & I would have to leave like right now to make it. I grab a drink & my keys before I am even writing back to him. I never usually need someone & I shouldn’t get too close to him but fuck I want to see him, I want him to calm me, I want him to hug me, I just want him. I hate that he is my rock… A rock that is not entirely mine.

#IBD4U