March 2025 – Gym
28 March 2025 – The next morning, I almost don’t want to look at his message; I don’t even care what he has to say. I have asked repeatedly for him to not start deep & meaningful conversations right before he has to go & to be more aware of the time, communicating better, so I am not left hanging. Yes, he said goodbye, but it was bye & then log off instantly without waiting… It’s just as bad having my message left on unread, that makes me wish I never sent a message. It’s like when I used to message for Christmas or his birthday back before v2.0 started & days later he’s finally read it. But I look at his several messages that were very early this morning, my ice exterior starts to melt a little, “I didn’t mean to go suddenly last night. I can’t sleep this morning and can’t get you out of my head. I just want you to know. That sometimes I miss you terribly. Hopefully I get some sleep now! Morning for when you get up.” My responses to his conversation are short though, I need to keep my walls up, they are way down & he just logs off like he always has & fuck knows if he’ll come back online. So why do I keep getting annoyed that he doesn’t say a proper goodbye so I don’t feel like a twat, he’s done it for eight years. Should I even be bothered by it after all this time?!
He reads me like a book & asks if I am ok. I am in a sad mood about how he treats me & to top it off, I have to do some work before I go on leave which is due today & the team is so hopeless at helping & explaining – because they have so much to do themselves. I have never done this work before so I have been asking for weeks for help, but they just say click here, click there, but never actually explain what you are supposed to do. In the end, I never learn how to do it & leave without finishing it & I don’t give a fuck!
It’s Friday, usually he says that he won’t be around much today but he hasn’t been, which fucks me off because if I didn’t know their pattern & schedules, I would be sitting around waiting, like usual. He hardly chats after lunch, barely coming back online at night to talk to me after my shit last day at work before surgery on Monday, I am so down about work, I feel so stupid at my job, something I should be good at given my experiences, but they just write reports on reports, copy excel data to a word document & send it to our boss who doesn’t even know what the data means… We have meetings for the sake of meetings & our boss just fucks off all day or works from home 100% of the time, while we can only do one day per fortnight. We never see her. He says “I wish I could give you a hug.” But you can’t, can you Phoenix, you’re not mine & don’t even care if you don’t chat to me… He says he hates seeing me down, & I say I’ll be ok & goodnight.
29 March 2025 – The next day my mood is not any better. I wake up super early & have to do some fitness test training at the gym – mainly to feel better about myself, I was feeling huge, Phoenix’s wife is now on weight loss injections & skinny, but I feel so huge & unfit.
Now let me preface this story with my gym story – this will be long winded but important, maybe not, but it’s not about Phoenix (if you’re bored of him! Hahaha) you’ll understand why at the end. So late last year I joined a gym, which I am seeing improvements with my fitness I am not seeing improvements with my weight or body shape. Phoenix has told me that he noticed last year after I was fired that I put on weight, I put on about 13kgs in a few months. It all went to my hips, legs & arms. Since being at the gym, I have not noticed any changes. I know that I haven’t been consistent with food, I don’t pretend that the gym is going to be the solution here, I need to sort out my eating situation. There has been a challenge at the gym for six weeks, I was being good with food & going to the gym 4-5 times per week.
I had started at this gym with two lash clients. One lets call Tee & the other Nee. So Tee & I know each other from the little independent gym that I used to go too (who has since closed down) & she became a lash client, we then went to another gym together & were doing spin classes but I felt that I was an intruder with her & another friend so I stopped going to that gym & joined another with a different friend. Nee is Tee’s best friend of 20 years who started coming to me for lashes, who I always struggled to have a normal conversation with, she gives you absolutely nothing when doing her lashes so I just don’t try to chat with her. When I join this gym, I am chatting to Tee & tell her to come for a free week with me too, she does & I also tell Nee that I am going, that Tee might be joining too so Nee decides to too. Great now I have a few friends at the gym!
I had always planned to go to the 5:00pm classes but they couldn’t go to that class & talked me into the 6:00pm classes, I made a Facebook group chat with the two of them about when they are going but shortly after joining they go to a ‘farewell’ of one of the trainers & don’t invite me or tell me they are going. They go to a few classes in the morning but don’t tell me or if I don’t say anything in the group & go to the 6:00pm class, they are there & don’t tell me they were planning on going, so I delete the group & try to focus on myself. I also struggle at this gym because they pair you up in small groups & I am usually with Tee & Nee, which is fine but I don’t feel supported by Nee. I feel like she is competing with me all the fucking time & it’s exhausting. She’s stronger than me so she can lift heavier but my cardio is better. Who cares, lets just work out with our own goals & support each other.
When we are paired together & doing weights class, they give you a schedule of what to lift if you are aiming for a certain amount. So if you’re aiming to lift 50kgs on the last round, they give you what you should start on & what you should go up by each round but she just ignores it & looks all smug about how heavy she is lifting. I am standing there taking off weights, while she adds them on for her turn, outside of the schedule but I am like yeah she’s done 47.5kg squats, but she’s not actually squatting, it’s a bob bend over at best, she’s not even bending her knees with that much weight on her shoulders. I’d rather do 30kgs or less & get my squat right then increase my weights.
So I just try my hardest to focus on me, but it’s so hard because I can’t have a conversation with her or have banter & joke when you don’t get it right. I have that with Tee but she’s stopped coming due to a couple of car accidents so I am always paired with Nee. This is about the time that I start going to the 5:00pm classes, because that was always my plan & then if I have a client after work, then I can still squeeze in the gym session. I need to work on my mental health, while things are good with Phoenix, I hate my job & my body so I need to work out.
Anyway, so the gym has a ‘you vs you’ challenge for six weeks, we started with the benchmark test, a 36 minute session of like ten exercises & runs, that you had to do as much as you can in 36 minutes then in six weeks you re-do the same test again & you see how much you’ve improved. My head fucks me over so much, not just with Tee & Nee but others in the room too. We all start at the same but of course people are speeding ahead of us. I am a little ahead of Tee & Nee, feeling good about how my cardio has already improved since starting at the gym. But when we end, they are on the same exercise as me… WHAT?! HOW?! Did they count right? Did I count right? I was ahead of them by at least two exercises when I finished what I could do, how did they end up on the same exercises – not being able to complete the test at all, which is fine, when I re-do it in six weeks, I will see the improvement, right?
So this morning I have woken up super early & not looking forward to this challenge, there is usually only one class on a Saturday morning but on the test days there are two. I know that Tee isn’t re-testing & Nee is booked in for 7:30am, I change my booking for the 6:30am class knowing I will just be able to do it well without thinking about what she’s up too, who’s ahead of who & who’s counting correctly. It’s a mental challenge, that I don’t want.
So I smash myself at the gym, I do the whole thing in 37.5 minutes & because I only had 20 burpees at the end to go, the gym instructor & a few other people who had finished did them with me, egging me on supporting me. Funnily enough, Nee is there by this stage, being the next session is about to start but she doesn’t come over & support me, cheer me on like some others also had… So even though I don’t finish it in the 36 minutes, I am proud that I kept going & did it all & was only a little over.
When I am finished, my mouth gets all watery & I feel like I am going to vomit, that I high five a few people standing around & run to the toilet. I am so exhausted, sweaty & spitting into the toilet. The feeling of nausea subsides & I get up & go outside into the fresh air to just walk it off a bit. Still nothing from a supposed friend, doesn’t come to see if I am ok, ask how I went – though if she asks how I went, it will only be for selfish reasons to make sure she does better than me. OMG I am so bitchy sometimes! But it’s true…
When I get home, Phoenix sends me some poorly spelt texts “Oh umm. We need to dixs. About next week .. I’m going to c.” Oh great… he’s bailing on me for next week with my surgery. I say “Yeah all good. Don’t worry if you can’t. I figured you couldn’t anyway.” He tells me that his son is going on camp on Wednesday so his wife is going to say goodbye & then he has to pick his daughter up after school because she can’t catch the bus on her own – how did I know that he wouldn’t be able to see me after my surgery… I am exhausted from being up so early, exhausted from really pushing myself so hard to finish & now I’m fucking sad that my married ex-boyfriend has to be a fucking father & partner with someone else…
I don’t look at his messages, I just can’t. He never says sorry when he bails & I just can’t deal with this emotion right now. “So I’ll spend the day with you on Tuesday, and will come visit you for a few hours on Wednesday too. And put in a fake shift for Tuesday instead of Wednesday. If that’s okay with you. I wanted Wednesday because I thought you would be more recovered lol. But have both days off. There is just some bad timing! But I still want to see you and will see you!!” I just don’t want him to go to effort & then have to bail on the day, “See how you go with everything, doesn’t matter, really, it’s all good.” He genuinely seems like he wants to see me but I would rather not be disappointed on the day, “I’m sorry for fucking you around with the days. It matters ttl. To me. Even if it doesn’t to you. So I’ll see you both days!” I don’t want him to make promises he can’t keep, I am trying to let him off the hook, “It’s fine. Dont worry about it. See what happens, I’d rather you not take the days off just to see me. I will be fine, it’s just my mouth.” It’s not really a surgery, it’s my gum, I’m getting a gum graft & a deep clean, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s not open heart surgery, it’s in the periodontists chair, “I literally.. put in a day off for you and only you. Fuckhead. Don’t act like you don’t matter fuckwit. You will not get any sex now, fuck it. No sex! When I see you next week. And I can and will see you. And I’m a stubborn fucker and can do it!!!”
I’m not sure how the threat of no sex will make me feel better, but anyway “I’m not acting like I don’t matter. I don’t want to make it difficult to see me. You’ve got shit on, she will probably stay home & the you’ll have to cancel. I’d just rather not have the excitement then disappointment. So just how it goes. If it happens it happens, if not, it’s fine. I’m honestly ok with it. As you always said, all part of the deal, right?” I delete the countdown that I stupidly made that said ‘Bring IBD4U Ice-cream’ as a joke. He says “I do love you and want to bring you some icecream tho!” I tell him I ordered some in my groceries which is all soft food like yoghurt, fruit purees, frozen mash potato etc, so not to worry, he says “I’ll still bring you some 🙂Stop trying to push me away or pretend I don’t care.”
I have never had anyone look after me after surgery anyway. I mean when I had my tummy tuck, I was In hospital for three nights & for one whole day, no one in my family visited me at all. I guess I deserve this, him cancelling. He is married after all. I can’t expect to have support from him when I want it. I say, trying not to show my disappointment but also want him to know I am disappointed. Phoenix says “I don’t like seeing you all sooky and down. I do want to see you, and sometimes I need to be the one that makes time for you and goes out of my way for it. So just fucking accept ot. And stop being a sorry fuck. I now realize it took it for granted.” It’s not what I am doing, I am trying to be realistic, “I’m not being sooky… Its the reality of our situation & it’s fine.” I sit on the toilet, feel deflated & sad, wondering if I will get to see him at all in the next week or even when will be the next time, “Sure thing. I want to hug you so bad. I can tell you are not in a 100% mindset you know right ?” FUCK, how can he tell over text? The dogs are standing in the hallway from the toilet, they start pawing at something on the ground, I see something black, a small speck so I finish on the toilet, grab the empty toilet roll & bend down to look at whatever the fuck this is on the floor.
BANG…
FUCK…
Dizzy spell…
Spinning room…
I lean against the wall processing what just happened – as I bent down, one of the dogs got under me & lifted his head, we banged heads, really hard that I was knocked so dizzy. Before I realise what is happening, I am crying in the little toilet hallway leaning against both walls, as a little weird howl comes out of me, I realise that I am crying because I am exhausted & hurt – physically & mentally. Not just by Phoenix but by Nee. When I tell Phoenix that I banged heads with the dog & cried he says that he’ll be on his break about 9:00am if I want to go to his work for a hug. I haven’t had a shower & I would have to leave like right now to make it. I grab a drink & my keys before I am even writing back to him. I never usually need someone & I shouldn’t get too close to him but fuck I want to see him, I want him to calm me, I want him to hug me, I just want him. I hate that he is my rock… A rock that is not entirely mine.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 