I've Been Dating For You

March 2025 #2

Side note: Because of how weird things that become, I start writing again – as a journal, not as a blog. I didn’t even know if I would post this story line or not because I had no idea where it was going or what was even happening but because I don’t have the audience I once had when I still had control over the #IBD4U Facebook page… I write in real time as way to understand what is happening & this is the closest to real time that I have ever posted – that I remember, especially about Marvel. But moving forward the blog posts will start being dated, which will be the day/month I wrote it, sometimes coming back the next day or two to finish off, but the posts have been written almost immediately after it happened so there is probably more detail than you’re used too. I’ll try not to be too boring.

After I admit that I love him still & he admits that he loves me too, he says “I have missed you so much, missed our chats and missed are close friendship, missed us being super honest with each other , and have hated holding things back, waiting until to we meet up with for a chat , but that chat has always proved we are friends, if you were down you always told me after we had just fucked, and you also listened to me about random rumblings about me and page and whatever other random subjects came up during our after dinner mint sex talk” Is he dying? What the fuck is going on here?! I say that he must have some things to get of his chest but he says “Not sure I had anything to get off my chest…I just wanted to restart proper dialogue back up because I had been too stubborn for too long,” Um… What?

I won’t post the whole conversations as always, just some highlights but fuck if you did read it all, you’d be wigging out too, what the fuck is he doing? Why is he changing the dynamic now after 5 years of FWB – without the F part, really, monthly catch ups & sporadic messaging, he’ll maybe send one or two messages sometimes one word maybe two & I would work my hardest to make sure I kept the conversation going & now, in an instant he wants to restart a proper dialogue? WHHHHHYYYYY? What the fuck is happening here?!

“But despite being a dick in the past to you, the honesty you have had with me, and the honesty I have with you, sometimes fucking brutal honesty, your over sharing, the way you treat me when I do open up, and trust me I am hard nut to open up, especially when comes down to what makes me tick, I close that out to the world, including my friends I make at work often, my wife , or anyone I meet in life except my siblings basically. I fucking value that honesty so much. Hell it’s one of the reasons I fucking love you. And I hate using that word around you” Yeah this is fucking cazy, but we talk all day about things like his wife & Ozempic, about how good he thinks I look now, that I had put on weight but he can see dramatic improvements, though he was happy when I put on weight because it meant that I was eating.

It’s also around this time that he looks at every snapchat story I post. I’m not gonna lie but the last 3 years we’ve been using this platform, I post some stories with him in mind, wanting him to see them. But he’s not online enough to look at half the shit I posted & when he did come online, he wouldn’t always look at them. So he starts looking at them & replying to a lot of them too, usually they’re food related so he’ll just say something like yum or where’s mine etc.

He asks what I’m doing next Sunday, because he’ll fake a shift on the whiteboard & come see me instead. Ok honestly, what the fuck is going on here! He’s already planned 7-12 if I am free… 5 hours?! Fuck, he must be dying. He tells me that I should be dick meat & he changes my name to Vagina meat. I tell him that he’s actually in my snapchat now as his initials, something I start calling him  He does a ‘pop quiz’ asking me what his fav colour is, which I guess as Blue . I guess his fav food as Ribs & lasagne, I guess Pepsi Max as his fav soft drink but get the bourbon wrong, saying I don’t think he would drink it but Wild Turkey is his favourite. I get his fav bands right, but he tells me about Falling in Reverse, a new favourite band – which I fucking listen to right away & learn some songs that I like, I don’t get the movies right as it’s Men in Black, but I suggested Rocky being his love of wrestling, I guess Rick & Morty as his TV show but he says the Walking Dead would be his fav. His favourite ice-cream is Boysenberry & his favourite season is Winter. He says that I only got them right because I looked at the old screenshots – yeah mate, like I am just sitting here reading our old chats over & over again! How would I even find the exact messages that we talk about this stuff in the past?! & I don’t remember talking about this stuff with him anyway. Most of the stuff is on a hard drive not connected to my computer or phone, so I don’t even look at the old stuff semi regularly. I do however following this conversation, write a note in my phone so I don’t forget these important favourites!

The next day I get a morning rant, the first of many I get over the next few months where he wakes up & spills his guts around 4:30am when he gets up, he says that he was planning being bed early last night but I kept him up & he says “Oh yeah since losing weight I don’t need as much sleep” – Remember this for later!!! He says a lot of stuff during this rant, including sharing the Falling in Reverse songs – All my life & Popular Monster plus a Papa Roach song they covered. I’ll attach the YouTube videos & the lyrics for Popular Monster.

Popular Monster lyrics:

Yeah

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah

I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day
And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular monster

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take
But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage
Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay

Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing
And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified

I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular fucking monster

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We’re sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a god that you don’t believe
We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is
Oh, where the fuck is your god now?

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m not a popular, popular monster

I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Ronnie Radke / Tyler Smyth / James Cody Quistad

Popular Monster lyrics © Ronnie Radke Music

I add the Popular Monster lyrics because while all three songs are very relevant to our situation & perhaps how he feels in his life, Popular Monster resonates with me the most – is he the rat trapped in the maze searching for a way out? Or am I just overthinking & he just likes the beat? Nah, one of the things we have in common is our love of music & the way lyrics speak to us… There is some deeper meaning here for him, maybe it’s why he’s being a weirdo! He even says at one point during this conversation “so I probally relate to some of the lyrics a bit more than a normal person.”

I ask him what songs he thinks of me with & I’m thinking a lovey type song but he says Butterfly by Crazy Town & Mouth by Merril Bainbridge, it’s because it reminds him of sex with me… I don’t mind that, but I will admit that I was hoping for more of a lovey song – the one I have for him is next level lovey.

There are other songs he won’t tell me “I’m pretty good at regulating my feelings….and err emotions, that includes everything especially my empathy…but there is something about music and lyrics that can just fuck with your brain, either help you realize it, magnify something or just simply help see things properly, and for me that is me at my most vulnerable” but I decide to share mine for him – a song that reminded me over & over again that I literally feel like was written for me to him… Never Not Love You by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Never Not Love You Lyrics:

You changed, you changed my life for good
I fell, but it felt more like flying
We did, did everything we could
But sometimes love loses to timing

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

You said goodbye to stop the pain
So why does it feel like we’re dying?
We said we’d always be the same
Who knew, who knew that we were lying

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

I’ll never not love you
If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not love you
I’ll never not love you
It was the end but my love, what a beautiful lie

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jared Leto / Ammar Malik / Jordan Johnson / Stefan Johnson / Marcus Durand Lomax / Michael Pollack / German I

Never Not Love You lyrics © Bmg Platinum Songs Us, Songs With A Pure Tone, R8d Music, Songs Of Bbmg, What Key Do You Want It In Music, Black River Streams

When he listens he says “I haven’t heard that one before but man, that is deep… #IBD4U you are meant to have a heart of stone….” Yeah I was supposed to have a heart of stone, I always did but he broke down that wall & he’s breaking it down more than I want to allow but I can’t help how caught up in this I am getting already… I tell him it’s old from 2023 which he says isn’t that long ago. He says “Fuck you shit me off. I treat you like shit for ages, give you a tiny tiny sliver of friendship and some decent sex , broke your heart way too many times. Even in 2023. And you still love me to some extent like a fucking knob. And probably the worse thing is. You see straight through me. And know my feelings for you never went away. Making me a bigger knob. So fuck you 😛.Where is my heart of stone cold bitch that uses me for sex?” I reply “Breaking someone’s heart doesn’t mean it breaks the love…” If only I knew how to break the love…

He says “Oh you know the worse thing? Somehow we still fucking got it?  Somehow we can still flirt freely , have fucking banter , tell other anything, from pointless meaningless shit to meaningless shit. Ans just resume a chat that has not happened in years like nothing has happened. And it all just works? Wtf” I agree Marvel, I agree… How have I let you just back into my DM’s so easily, when I know this is short term. He tells me I am addicted to him again & fuck you Marvel, but it’s so easy to chat to him, how the fuck is Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U

March 2025

That night, crosses over into March & he tells me that he always had a mint & put on aftershave before he came over, thinking that I never noticed, but I always did. He also tells me that I smell good but I remember when he used to make me think he thought I smelt bad or something because after we’d fuck he’d ask how much perfume I was wearing. It wasn’t until I realised that it was because he could smell me on him & didn’t want to go home smelling like me. As I go to sleep that night, I am not sure what is happening with this man, in his life, really, is he happy? Is he thinking of leaving? Is he just genuinely missing my friendship, or with my catastrophising brain, is he dying? Whatever the reason, I have to protect myself a little here. He holds all the cards & always has. I can write to him anytime I like, but he has absolutely no fucking idea what it feels like for messages to go unread even for a few hours, let alone days, weeks & even months! I always reply so he has no idea, not fucking idea how it feels.

The next morning, very early, he has left me a trail of rambled messages telling me he scrolled our chat this morning & wants to fuck me. I think perhaps he’ll pull back a bit if I tell him something super lame that I have never told anyone. I tell him it’s lame & he’ll pay me out about it because he’d done it before when I told him about rope. He is so apologetic “If I have ever put down your interests it because its out of spite, or jealously or purely because I didn’t think I could live up to your interests Not to put you down or think you are lame cos sometimes I’m a fucking dickhead and do it out of self preservation or purely just to punish you due to my personal self esteem issues. I have never thought anything about you has been lame ever!!!” What the fuck do I say to that? Urgh my brain is going to explode, what is really happening here, I am so confused…

Anyway I tell him that I play Sims on my phone & I made one with his initials but a different name. I didn’t use his name because I didn’t want to see his name every fucking day when I play but I made it look like him & made it have a cat with the same name as one of his cats. If that isn’t the most losery thing ever, I don’t know what is. So this will surely scare him away & make him back off & stop being a weirdo. Is it a full moon???

He isn’t online today much either but he still messages more than I expect so when he replies later, he tells me that it’s kinda cute that I have a sim named after him, “I am sorry for poking fun at your interests and hobbies in the past due to my low self esteem or jealously. I know I was a total shit cunt to you about when you were doing the rope thing from memory, purposely put it down , and although it def is not something I would be into, I didn’t look at you any different or any less interesting Or lame, all I saw in my head was some dude being better at something on you than me, and for some really really fucking stupid reason I wanted to be the only one good at things on you, despite how unachievable that goal even fucking is haha, especially anything even remotely sexual with you So like a dickhead I punished you and was a dick. Why you even put up with me so long still boggles my mind” Well that backfired… FUCK.

Ok, that didn’t push him back into his non-commutative cave, so I try another tactic. As I type it out & hit send, I mentally prepare for radio silence for weeks, I prepare for even potentially not seeing him again – for a while or even ever – but I say it, as I’m typing, I think this is the end & it’s ok… “And if you want me to admit I love you. Then fine. I love you.” There I said it. I said it first this time. I said it first for the first time before he admitted it to me, I admitted it to him. Now I have said the actual words, I don’t want to look at his reply, I can only imagine that he is going to say ‘don’t get too close to me’ or some variation of that. So his reply is so hard for me to ignore, but all I want to do is not look at it… But like a true masochist, I am looking at it quicker than I want to admit “Na that is cute haha I didn’t want you to admit it haha. But fuck you You know I love you too But the L word is bad I didn’t want you to admit it, I tried to skip around for you lol” I stupidly let my guard down a little, but perhaps that will shift things back to how they were. That was working. I never asked for things to change & while I am not opposed to things changing, especially like this with him telling me how things are changing, I just know that at some point they will go back to how it was & it will piss me off & that’s when I will lose my shit. This is just dangerous territory. But maybe this is the jolt we need. We’ve tried this thing 3 times, for over 8 years.

#IBD4U

February 2025 #2

When we start to talk about how sad this is & how much we both have tried to hold back, he says “All paths lead to us fucking no matter what….is what I think” which is 100% true, I’ve always know that we would find each other in the future, I don’t know when it would be our time to actually be together, but I always felt that we would be together as a proper couple. Maybe one day but right now this is working for us, so why is he trying to change the game? I have to be careful here because yes he is opening up – for whatever reason, maybe they’re unhappy, maybe it’s because he’s noticed I am happier, but I know what he is like, one comment from me & he’ll log off for a week again, so I just have to protect myself a little here, but stupidly I also want to be a bit vulnerable because if they are having marital problems & he is considering leaving, then I want him to know I am a fuckwit & stupidly available… What a fucking dumb bitch.

Then he hits me with it “Ohh the whole reason I am opening up communication via text again properly is so we can be decent friends. Because I save up this shit I want to tell you or talk to you about then I forget to tell you, and get distracted fucking you again or have to leave. But anyway I forgot to tell you on Monday. You left a giant long scab on my cock from panty carpert burn last time we fucked hahaha!” He wants to be friends? I ask how he explained a scab on his dick not really wanting to know how she even saw it because I only fucked him a few days ago & he says they never have sex, but clearly, she’s sucked his dick since then. He tells me that he told her that he cut himself at work through his pants with a box cutter… Bahaha, are you kidding? Why wouldn’t you say you cut yourself shaving or caught it in the zipper? How the fuck does he get away with cheating for the last 5 years?! That is so fucking dumb, like next level dumb… Where are the pants, where’s the hole? I genuinely can’t believe how dumb both of them are… As if he said that & as if she believed it & kept sucking his dick?! Jesus.

For some reason, I tell him that I have all the screenshots of our convos, I’ve wanted him to know just so he knows, but also because he can’t deny anything when I tell him things he’s said to me. He keeps making this so much weirder… “I’m going to try and make a more effort to chat to you more , won’t be daily or all the time … But if your want my opinion or help or support. Please reach out to me. I’ve been a dick long enough to you as it is. For various reasons , but I’m at the point we I have given up, somehow we are still friends , somehow we are still fucking , somehow you haven’t let our friendship go, even when I become a fat ugly fucker, or when I just treated you like shit and intentially ignored you to distance myself from you, waiting for move on , encouraging you to date and meet others. I’m still scared I’m going to get that message you will no longer fuck me. And when they day comes I still want our friendship there and not have it entirely built on sex only. Because that is my fear now, apart from our short conversation after sex which I save up anything I want to talk tto you about (then forget to 9 times out of 10) , I don’t want to lose you as friend for the non sexual stuff”. Errrr what the fuck? Is this about his brain tumour? What the fuck is going on here? Is there trouble in paradise with her & now he’s making sure I’m available? He denied it when we ended the first time but he was always scared of being alone but he’ll jump from her to me – not because he wants me, but because he won’t be alone. I just assumed this time around despite his feelings for me, he was always an asshole to me because he didn’t want to get attached & he didn’t give a fuck about the friendship, “You assumed wrong, sorry for being such a cunt to you” Um what the fuck… Is he ok?

He tells me how dumb I am for still talking to him after everything, I ask him if he really wants to know why & he says he knows why – he’ll just assume it’s because I love him, which is true but I kept my feelings aside & decided a while ago to just use him for sex, which is what he offers, nothing more, then he says “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this. You really want to tell me the real reason? Because I know it, there is only one reason a person sticks around this long and puts up with my bullshit, and leaves little sex crumbs of cookies all the time for me. And one that makes a person an idiot more than anything” he definitely thinks it’s about my feelings for him, which is obviously part of it. But what the fuck is he doing? As I am leaving the gym that night, he surprisingly says “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you“ Um, am I in an episode of the twilight zone?! What the actual fuck is going on here!

Despite saying he’s not going to be around much, he messages me a lot more than I expect & a lot more than some days he’s had full availability to talk to me. He says that I boggle his mind, but he is genuinely boggling mine… Is this some fucking dumb game he is playing? He has told me earlier “I’m a pretty Shifty and careful fucker, master manipulator and compulsive liar” These are all traits I know & I have been on the receiving end of his lack of empathy & manipulation a few times but what is his end game here? If I ask, he’ll say he’ll just missed me. But I’m sure there is some master plan here, I am just not privy to it.. I have told him it’s just sex for me, I made him just sex in my head for years but I do allude to the fact there is more there for me. That recently I felt a spark again. But I never say it. He logs off for the night & I expect that he won’t message for a few days or weeks, going back to the ‘regular schedule programming’ as he put it.

The next day, only 4 short days since I saw him (& has also fucked his wife in that time), he says “Just going to put it out there. Your a dumbass to still love me. And I know you doubt or question every thing from me. Whatever percentage left in your heart after everything, I think its fucking insane. But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had….our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like the anonamys app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away. But that’s enough about that. I hope your sexy ass has a good day at work. Chat sometime soon “ FUCK!

I know he’s offline so I take some time to respond… I tell him that I had decided that since I had him for sex, any time I have looked for a relationship online, I didn’t want to sleep with them right away & add to my body count, turns out, if you don’t have sex on the first date – even if it is a walk on the beach, you generally never see them again! & that is, if you can even get them to meet you! He reckons that women don’t use men for sex, but they really do. I mean I am not getting anything else from this man right now – am I? I get his body once a month & that’s it. He doesn’t give me a stimulating conversation anymore, he doesn’t challenge my mind at all, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I can’t ask him things like I use too because he logs off for weeks at a time, he doesn’t spend much time with me, but I am not getting anything physical from any other person, that I would just keep him in my life. Decompartmentalising has been my friend for years. I am the queen of squashing my feelings and hiding anything real from him.

I tell him that our problem was never about him setting expectations about our sex, he always told me when he only had a short time, so I would know that it isn’t just – as he says ‘wham, bam thank you mam’ however it’s always been that he never set the expectations with our chat. He doesn’t say goodbye or goodnight, leaving me hanging for weeks, mid conversation. It was the number one thing that pissed me off both during the first affair & the sole reason why the second affair ended like it did. He starts out acting one way & then either feels guilty about me or her or whatever & so he pulls away. Whatever the fuck reason, he sets the scene then he pulls away. I have made peace with the radio silence now after 5 years, at first I hated it but it is what it is, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I also am painfully aware that he is now opening up this dialogue for whatever reason & any day now he could change his mind again so I have to stay guarded.

But yet somehow, Alice is pulled down the rabbit hole, our bitmojis on snapchat are wearing matching clothes & mine is way taller than his, that I joke with him about it, this leads to a conversation of me wearing his t-shirt, only his t-shirt & fucking over the kitchen bench, it’s the first time in years that we stay up well past midnight together jerking off… Sending pics & being downright dirty. But I am still none the wiser about what the fuck is going on!

#IBD4U

February 2025

This month I discover an app that has replaced the anonymous app. It’s called something similar & looks almost identical, even being purple like the old one. I log on, thinking that surely, he has no idea about this app, but there is Marvel, with an exact replica post from the old app on the new app, two weeks ago, there is also one 4 months ago, 9 months ago, 10 months ago, 1 year ago & 2x from 2 years ago… Fuck me, 2 years!? I shouldn’t be surprised; this man always liked a chat with randoms. I know people say that he’s probably fucking other women, & let’s face it, he probably is & I have no doubt would if he could but I don’t really believe that he is currently. But I guess it’s just a bit of a shock that he’s been on here for 2 years & quite obviously exactly like he was on the other app, no disguising, thinking that I would never find it. I guess I may have it I had of gone looking for a similar app 2 years ago.

The only reason this upsets me is because I am here, free to chat. Free to converse with this man & here he is trolling to chat to other women, not for the love or so he can cheat, it really just fills a void in his marriage that was there long before they got married or I met him… I just get hurt because why doesn’t he want to chat to me? I get that we get sucked in, but why doesn’t he chat to me just a little more regularly? I guess it’s probably smart to keep his distance. But of course, I have to, don’t I – so I send a message on this new app & he never replies. I forget about the app a lot so forget to check it on it but when I do, he hasn’t posted again or replied to me.

Our schedules don’t match up a lot, so it’s the end of February before I see him again. Well they would have 100% lined up if he talked to me more or came online more, but being that he keeps his distance, it makes it hard to organise. He, of course always blames me for being a temptress & enticing him but doesn’t take long before I arrange to work from home again & he comes over, I have found my little slut choker & so I put it on, while searching for it I find my gold little glo mesh top which I put on with some black panties & I’m kneeling on the bed when he walks into my room, with him catching a glimpse in the mirror when he walks up the hallway. Even though I am fatter than I have been in a long time since he’s fucked me, I am feeling confident & I want him to feel it today. I undress him & while kneeling on the bed, I bend down to suck his cock.

We talk about him jerking off & what he thinks about – I am interested if he pictures it like a movie or more like I do & I picture that he is with me, when my hands touch me, I pretend they are his. He says that he is more like a movie for him, that he just thinks about me & jerks off. I love hearing that he pictures me, he doesn’t say every time, some times he watches porn & just jerks off, other times he watches porn & thinks about me doing whatever he’s watching to him & he jerks off. I find it so intriguing, I know people have jerked off thinking of me, because they’ve told me, but I love hearing that he is doing it even when he barely speaks to me.

Today he lets his guard down more than usual, in fact more than he ever has in this third time around – what is that all about? He hugs me which he doesn’t ever usually do after sex anymore. Like not just hugging but he runs his hands all over me & holds me tightly, like a proper snuggle. I like it but its weird… So unusual for him & I wonder if he is going to tell me he’s dying, because I’m so used to the ‘don’t get close to me’ mantra he told me constantly at the start. He talks a lot about his Facebook group & how much money he is making from it. Good for him. I’m so fucking jealous that my blog never made me money. But he has way more followers than I ever did or could hope for. When holding me, he tells me that he has made some videos & he took my advice (which I don’t really remember giving but I’ll take it), using his own voice to narrate it rather than AI. I am a smug bitch when he told me post coital, that it’s because of me that he had the courage to do it, that I am so glad he couldn’t see my face! He says that I gave him the confidence to do it – he does a smooth buttery voice, but I might be bias. Anyway after he leaves, I do end up stalking the page to see a video or two (ok, perhaps I watched everything I could find, even if they aren’t really on a topic that interests me that much, I love finding out info on topics that are interesting to him). His voice sounds good & he does a good job narrating the videos.

He was at mine for 2.5 hours, another weird thing because he normally rushing off when he cums saying to me to get back to work, however today, even though we fucked twice, he didn’t cum. He stopped himself from cumming then got up after we fuck the first time & the snuggle & said that he needed to piss that’s why he didn’t cum, he gets up to go to the bathroom, I think he’ll pick up his clothes & leave when he comes back to the bedroom (because he usually does), but he doesn’t, he gets back on the bed with me & snuggles again. We chat about my work because fucking hate this HR job & he supports me with the suggestion that I should probably stay there if I am settled & it’s not that bad – no one likes their work. But then again, I am not also making $1000 per week off Facebook. I do want to refinance & be settled a bit so I am not job hunting constantly, I will settle into this role a bit. He also tells me that his wife is now taking a weight loss injection & using the money he’s making from Facebook for it. He says that she wasn’t ever interested in the page until it started generating income.

He mentions something about our first meeting & we talk about my garlic breath, & he says that it was the sexiest fucking thing when I grabbed his dick & pulled him into my bedroom. I don’t remember leading him with his dick, but he said multiple times (not just today) that I did it & he remembers how sexy it was. I mean it does sound like something I would do now with him, but back then I’m not so sure.

Later that afternoon, he chats online more than usual, I tell him that he should record my erotica stories for me, his voice is so sexy but he says that he won’t – I secretly hope that he does & sends to me for a sexy treat, but it’s Marvel so I won’t hold my breath… I sent him a screenshot of one yesterday for another reason, so I hope that he will… The next day despite having told me he is busy (my biggest pet hate for people to say – you are not busy, you just aren’t prioritising me), but he chats more than usual again – I somehow tell him the story of Boyfriend & valentines day when I had the tiniest shred of confidence with him & he shattered it in an instant, I dressed in a nightie & waited in the bedroom with a beer for him & he laughed a weird laugh like what are you doing, then laid down & went to sleep. It was embarrassing & I have bad body confidence at the best of times, so the fact that he just laughed it off really cut me deep, I think still to this day.

Marvel tells me that one of his favourite qualities is our friendship & honesty, but it also boggles his mind why I still fuck him. Is he fishing for me to tell him I have feelings for him? Surely after all this time he can still see it in my eyes as I can see it in his? & surely after 5 years of this third affair,  he isn’t fishing for feelings? I ask why & he says “Because I have broken your heart multiple times, intentionally created distance in our friendship, and have multiple flaws in my personality (that I have always admitted Including my narcissistic traits and lack of empathy)” He also tells me that it scares him every time he comes back online, I ask why & he says “But I have intentially over the years purposely neglected our friendship online and in text form to stop either of us becoming co dependent on each other , and also selfishly for me just waiting for the day ‘hey Marvel, I’ve meet someone and I really want to make it work and for the time being we can’t see each other’ or however the fuck way you plan on wording and telling me you can’t have amazing sex with me” I am always scared that he will tell me that she knows & he can’t see me anymore too… He will 100% dump me without a second thought, again, I am not that delusional. He’ll log off & I will have no way to contact him & he’ll ghost me.

I do think about him actually choosing me, not because she finds out or because she leaves him, but because he chooses me. This is weird though, he is being so weird & I can’t figure out why or what is going on but something is different… I guess he picks up on it too because he tells me that he’ll stop being weird now – ironically, he doesn’t, the shit just gets weirder!

#IBD4U

January 2025

There are little moments in time where I think stupid shit. I don’t talk about this often, or ever really but every now & then, more often than I care to admit I imagine that Marvel is in my life as my real partner, coming home to me, in bed next to me, doing mundane things like mowing the lawn or washing clothes, even packing the dishwasher. Sometimes it feels so real that I am disappointed when he doesn’t actually walk through the door, or he doesn’t come up behind me kissing my neck or even as Boyfriend used to do when I was bending over packing the dishwasher, he’d come up behind me & dry hump me – I used to think it was weird when Boyfriend did it, not knowing this was a normal thing, but I’d give anything to have a mundane everyday experiences with Marvel like this.

It’s disturbing how often I think about it, particularly lately since we barely talk about anything & obviously I never get it. I don’t want a happy ending, an ending means the end… I want the happy in between, will I ever get the in between with Marvel? When he doesn’t talk to me for weeks on end, it’s hard to think that we even had anything at all, he doesn’t think about me, he doesn’t have feelings for me, maybe he never did… I question this a lot as you know…

But oddly, I wrote the above bit before this. It’s his 40th birthday, I send him a message despite him not being online for over 2 weeks over the Christmas/new years period – as usual, I am not surprised, I want him to know – just like he let me know with the citronella candle incident that I do care about him & am thinking about him. I don’t show it as often as he does, that’s for sure, keeping my cards always close to my chest because I have to protect myself as he dictates when we speak & see each other. So I say happy 40th & send a snap of me exposing myself from my little silky white dressing gown saying that I hope I can still make his old cock twitch. He doesn’t come online so he doesn’t get his birthday message & my mind wanders to the fact he’s probably getting birthday sex from her & I’m far from his mind. Why would I be in his mind when he is getting hot, kinky sex from the woman he married?!

Yet when he comes on the next day – just as he did last year, he says ‘OMG it did. I jerked off to the thought of fucking you this morning’ Well it was a sexy video, or perhaps he means before? I ask before or after watching the video & when he says ‘before’ I smile which surprises me. So maybe he does think about me when he’s not talking to me? Maybe he didn’t get even mediocre birthday sex? I just don’t think about that, because he’s quite clearing wanting to keep the distance, not only did he set the precedence very early on in affair 3 to chat so sporadically, you can’t really call it chatting but he also doesn’t communicate with me much via text that it’s clear to me what I am to him, I’m just the woman on the side who give him the best sex he’s ever had.

I know the thought of someone jerking off about them is somewhat creepy, but these are the things that remind me that this guy is not over me – albeit it might just be about sex, but he thinks about me, even when he’s not replied. He told me so many times during the second affair that he held back a lot & I know that he is holding back even more now, which is why he doesn’t message me often because he is keeping the boundaries up. I get that I hurt him when I ended it the second time but too bad, he fucking destroyed me the first time. I make no apologies for hurting him while saving myself, he didn’t give a fuck about hurting me, I’d do it again in a heartbeat to save myself.

You know what song comes to mind – I hate everything about you by Three Days Grace, I fucking hate this guy, why would I think about a future with him? Because ‘I hate everything about you, why do I love you?’ Why do I? Because he leaves me these little nuggets to keep me interested? To keep me hanging? Is it intentional or does he mindlessly do it?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you
I know
Only when you stop to think about me
Do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Adam Gontier / Neil Sanderson / Brad Walst / Gavin Brown

I Hate Everything About You lyrics © Emi April Music (canada) Ltd., Noodles For Everyone, 3 Days Grace Publishing

The last week of school holidays & the last week of January, when he tells me that he can sneak to see me lunchtime on Saturday – normally I have clients for my little hobby lash business, but given it’s a long weekend, I booked everyone around the days so I could have a 3-day weekend myself. I never fully believe that he is going to come over, I mean he’s bailed before so I never count my orgasms until I am having them, hahaha!

I wake up around 7:00am when I see that he is typing on snapchat, I look at it & he says “I woke up hard thinking about fucking you today” fuck. He never says things like this… I lay in bed for a while before I go get the dirt for my lawn & come home. I want to be in gym gear for him today – I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s been a while since he saw me in it or because it’s what I feel good in these days. The morning seems to be taking forever, I unload half the dirt, chatting to him on & off over the day – mainly about not kissing (our usual little thing we say that we aren’t going to do but always end up doing! Such a dumb threat). Once it gets close to lunchtime, I go inside to relax a bit to cool down being he’ll finish work at 12:00 pm. But at 12:10 pm, I get a message saying he’s 5 mins away, FUCK so I sort the dogs out & wait to meet him.

I don’t hear him pull up, but I hear my door open & I go down the hallway to meet him & instantly stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. Fuck. Well that didn’t go well! I take him to my bedroom & I undress him, still fucking kissing him even though he’s laughing at me, I say fuck you & he grabs me tighter, kissing me more… I lean into the kiss & am kissing him back taking off his shirt & unbuckling his pants. I am kissing him more than I planned, so I turn him around & push him back on the bed, sucking his cock deep with just my mouth, his vocal about how good it is, when I open my eyes, I realise he is wearing something on his other wrist, usually he has the watch that I gave him that I got for free when I got a phone & on the other wrist, it looks like a fit bit. I don’t get a good look at but later I realise it’s like a leather band that he probably got for his birthday- from her but I don’t really know what it is. Later, I also notice a ring on his other hand, I guess it’s probably a Christmas or birthday present? It’s more like the type of wedding ring I would have expected him to wear if we got married. I put them both out of my mind.

I climb on him, as he kicks off his shoes & I ask if he is ok with me dry humping his cock in my gym pants – this has been my porn fetish, if you remember that I have been watching a lot of recently. I’ve shared this with him before too, so he says that it’s hot & he like me in gym pants. After I’m done dry humping him in pants, I take off my gym pants, he takes off my bra & I rub my panties over his cock so much so that I am close to cumming… But before I do, I pull my panties to the side & slip his dick inside me. I ride him & I am quickly building & he grabs my tits & I cum hard, so hard on his cock. I am panting & huffing, trying to gather my breath that I fall in a heap on his chest with his cock still inside me, him pumping his hips from below me.

He fucks me a little from underneath, pulling my panties up to make them rub on my clit – I find out later that he has a little pantie burn on his cock from them rubbing him. It’s not unusual for him to pull my panties up to use them as a method to torture my clit, I lean back & let him do it for a bit longer before I climb off to take off my panties & he goes down on me. He makes me cum then fucks me hard & quickly, he turns me over & fucks me from behind pulling my hair so tight before he fills my cunt with his cum.

Laying there afterwards, he tells me that he can’t stay long as they’ve left the kids home since they both went to work & being that he only works till 11:45am, but later he tells me he wrote till 2:00pm on the whiteboard so he could get to my house to fuck me. When I ask questions, I notice that he repeats everything I say after I say it, I’ve never noticed this as much as I did today. I wanted to ask about his eye/brain tumour, but I didn’t for some reason, probably because all the cum & air pushed up my vagina made a noise that sounded like a fart & I haven’t ever in all this time, farted in front of him with him knowing or hearing so I’ve been concentrating so hard on not letting the noise come out my vagina & not moving that I didn’t talk that much.

After he leaves, he texts me to tell me that it took him an hour to get home but it was worth it, I tell him that it’s lucky he wrote 2:00pm on the whiteboard! I don’t know why, but no matter when he messages me, particularly when he gets home, I catastrophise it & think that he is going to tell me that she knows & that she’s on the way to my house, which of course, those messages never come.

Thank fuck for that!

#IBD4U

December 2024

I don’t hear from him for a week, he had already set up a night at his house with me when his wife is away before we saw each other in November, so when I don’t hear from him after his scan, I automatically catastrophise – as I said I would, that he has gotten bad news & went into surgery – then won’t remember me or is unable to message me. But he finally comes back online & says that he had the scan & didn’t get the results yet so it can’t be that bad, that I start to relax about this diagnosis.

His wife is away both Friday & Saturday, I have my work Christmas party on Friday night but I don’t hear from him, expecting that he stalked my snapchat location & saw that I was in the city, so he didn’t bother to message me, not even the whole day even though she’s away. On Saturday I finally hear from him asking if I am free tonight, which of course I am.

He hasn’t said if he’s coming to me or if I am going to his house, I gather that she has just gone away without the kids so I say that I assume I’ll be going to him & that we’ll fuck on the deck again, I ask if I need areogard & he says “I lit some candles for you so you should be good.” I say “awww that’s sweet” & get ready to leave. He says, “its romantic unintentionally” Which I am so stupid – I just was thinking that he remembered that I was bitten last time & so he was lighting candles to stop that, not that it would be a romantic setting or that he was trying to be romantic, that I am reminded that this man loves me still. No man is lighting citronella candles & mozzie coils when they invite a random over to their house to fuck outside, unless they care. Even just a little.

I get to his house & let him know I am there. He meets me at the front door, & he says that it’s good the dogs didn’t bark. I kiss him as I try to walk inside, he grabs my waist pulling me back against him saying “I got hard just kissing you” – I am fine with this obviously, I reach back to grab his cock & tell him so.

We head outside & he’s got the tv on this time playing music & a few candles plus a mosquito coil burning. It’s like he’s been out here setting up as the couch thing we fucked on last time, as its seemingly covered in a blanket ready for us. He kisses me for a few minutes & fingers me, telling me I am so wet… He takes his shorts off & lays down, I am actually cold being it’s been so hot the last few days & now tonight it’s under 20 degrees but he tells me I will warm up soon & don’t need to take off the cardigan.

One of the things I love about when his dick is inside me, is that we talk… Is that normal? Do other people have normal conversations while fucking? Don’t get me wrong it’s not a ‘pick up the milk’ type conversation but it’s not always sexy talk – but general chit chat. I have no idea if this is usual cos I haven’t had a proper boyfriend that I felt comfortable to talk to during sex, even to tell them what I want. Mostly we do talk about sexy things & what we’re doing or what we want to do to each other, so things like him getting hard as I walk in the door or when I said that I had a nice view (meaning the scenery) & he said his was better one because I was on top of him fucking him, so I unbutton my cardigan & pop my tits out & he says exactly what I hope he will say that his view just got better.

I cum on top of him & then he moves to get on top of me, but pulls my knees apart & sucks my clit – he is good at this, don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy it – I don’t always cum from it but I always like it, but sometimes, like tonight, he gets it so fucking right that I can’t handle it. I am almost screaming out… Then he slips his fingers in & I can’t control it, I am squirting everywhere, so much so that I am squirting all over myself & I even get some on my face, before he puts his mouth back on my clit & I cum gyrating my hips into his mouth.

I fall to the side & he slides in behind me & fucks me sideways from behind. We talk about the tv & the fact he has cum on his beard. I start to rub my clit but he takes over & I cum so hard that I don’t even know where that orgasm came from, it was out of the blue & he kept going, that I say “I can’t see” he freaks for a split second before he realises that my eyes have gone blurry… How can this man still make my eyes go blurry after all these years.

He gets on top of me this time, fucking me – there aren’t a lot of moments with Marvel that I am reminded he loved me (probably still loves me in some way) but when I say something about him not fucking me for months (as a bit of a exaggeration joke) he reminds me that he fucks me monthly & the last time was two weeks ago. I continue this joke of it being so long since we fucked that he says something that makes me believe that he keeps track of how often we fuck, not quite like I do in this journal blog, but he remembers that it’s monthly… It reminds me that he cares in some way – maybe I am naive, maybe he just likes my vagina, but I’m pretty sure that he likes more than that – even after all this time.

It makes him fuck me harder, maybe to shut me up, maybe because he’s close, but he cums inside me, getting quickly off me & lays next to me where we chat. I can barely move my legs that I tell him he has to carry me to the car – not that I mean it but fuck I really don’t think my legs will work. I sit on the edge of the couch & he gets up & gets dressed sitting in a chair next to me, when he asks me what I think of the new Linkin Park stuff – they have just appointed a new lead singer who is a chick. I tell him that I like their new stuff with her but she can’t replace Chester & shouldn’t be singing their other songs as I don’t think she can pull it off – just my opinion though, which pretty much mirrors his opinion.

One other thing that that stands out that night, is that I have a drink bottle bag & I took it with my water because it fits my keys & phone in the front pocket, knowing that we were going to be outside, I didn’t want to lose anything on the decking – decking usually has gaps in it for the wood to move. I’m not really sure why but he brings up my drink bottle twice. Does he repeat things because he is nervous & doesn’t want an awkward silence? Or does he repeat things because I don’t give him the response he wanted – which is the reason why I repeat things, I want a certain reaction & I don’t get it, so I repeat it.

When I leave, I expect a message on the way home, but do you know what I’ve realised, I wait for him to message almost every time after we fuck. I am stubborn so I drive home & sleep without a message from the man who just made me cum so many times that I struggled to stand. He messages a little the next day when I say that I slept so well last night. I remind him a week later when he comes back online that he was supposed to carry me to the car. He says that I got to the car just fine, I ask how he would even know he didn’t watch me. “One minute you’re lighting candles so I don’t get bitten, next minute you may as well just push me down the stairs…” He says that he has his nice moments. But then he doesn’t come back online for another 2 weeks, then it’s the end of the year. I don’t hear from him again in 2024.

#IBD4U

November 2024

I have a plan for our sex today, I’d talked about what I wanted to do, I wanted to frustrate him because he didn’t kiss me when he got into my car at his house last time, so I want to tease him & frustrate him & not kiss him. The last time I saw him, he just got in my car & started barking orders – as I knew he would – about where to park… he didn’t lean over & kiss me, he barely touched me in the car – even though later he tells me that he was hard, he did touch my leg a little. But today, he is in my door not more than 5 seconds & we are kissing, him pressing me hard against the wall, then he gives me shit about telling him I wouldn’t kiss him but I am kissing him back… Fuck you.

I take him to the bedroom & show him my sexy green lingerie that I can pop my tits out of & ask him if he likes it, which he does. I make him sit in the chair & I get out a vibe & tell him because I haven’t tied his hands like I was planning – as I was going to be wearing a dressing gown when he got here & I would’ve used the strap from that to tie his hands together, but I was running late so he was at my house before I was, so we ended up walking in the door together.

In the chair, he is naked & I tell him that he can’t touch his cock & I grab the vibe & climb onto the bed, on my knees & start playing with it, but I tell him that every time he touches his cock, I will stop playing with myself. I start gyrating on the bed with the vibe & he reaches for his cock & I pull away the vibe. (the vibe I have turns off when not on skin contact, so he knows it’s off) he puts his hands back on the chair & I start teasing myself again, I lean back & close my eyes, as I look back at him, he’s swiftly moving his hand off his cock & I ask him if he’s being naughty.

When he says yes, I get up & stand over him with the vibe against me & air fuck my vibe while standing over him which he reaches for my tits, but I can’t stop him because I want it. I want his hands on me & he knows it. I tease him like this until I can take it no more & lower myself on him, but the chair is squeaking so I tell him to get on the bed. I pick the vibe back up & start straddling him with the vibe & he says “not this again” I know he loves it, but he wants to be inside me. I slide down on top of him & he makes a noise like I haven’t heard him make before. I fuck him hard until I am cumming multiple times. Even though it feels like he is close, he doesn’t cum & it’s getting later in the day (I am later than I thought I would be, so we started later) & I am getting tired so I flop down next to him.

I am laying sort of on his chest, we don’t often hug after sex anymore – it’s too lovey dovey, I guess for him – he either doesn’t want to do it for himself or he doesn’t want to do it to give me the wrong idea. Either way he barely touches me when we aren’t having sex but he doesn’t always rush to get up either. I don’t mind, I think it’s good to keep a friendly relationship here but not too friendly. I usually lie close to him but today because of how our bodies fell after sex, I am cuddling him a bit, more on his chest than not. His arms are not on me, his legs are straight out, I am cuddling him but there is no reciprocation. This isn’t unusual if we do cuddle or I do lie on his chest, he doesn’t often put an arm around me or touch me. Not like the old days where our bodies were so intertwined after sex, you couldn’t tell whose limb was whose & he couldn’t stop rubbing my body & tickling my skin. Every now & then his hand will rest on my leg or whatever, but there is no real cuddling, but having said that there is not physical affection, maybe I am dreaming, but I do feel the desired affection that he holds back.

As we lay there, we chat, I am conscious of the time & thinking that I need to do some work but as much as I don’t want to get emotionally involved with this man again (even though I actually am) I am reminded that this is all the affection that I get from any man & that I will lap it up while I can. So as we lay there, I don’t even know how it comes up but I tell him about my dad’s heart attack this weekend– he genuinely asks if dad is ok, showing actual interest in that side of me, maybe he remembers that I am close with my dad & then Marvel tells me that he has a mass on his brain that is a tumour.

It hits me like a ton of fucking bricks – he has a brain tumour? FUCK. What does this mean? Will he die? Honestly, the selfish me, thinks more about me than it does about him. The more he talks, mostly repetitive chatter about how he’s not as well as he thought he was & that he’s lost vision, that his glasses made it worse & that he’s googled the tumour type & read some horror stories about surgeries that makes him worried that he won’t be him after the surgery. It’s a repetitive track of antidotes that he says a couple of times each.

I obviously have a million thoughts, of course I think about him leaving her to be with me because life is short – he’ll want to be with me, right? Will I want him if he’s dying? I also think that if he dies that no one will ever tell me, I may never know. One day I will just be messaging a dead man’s snapchat wondering if he died or just stopped talking to me. I ask if anyone knows about me, which he says they don’t, so I say that I may never know if he dies. For the first time in a long time, he wraps an arm around my shoulder & his legs over my legs saying not to stress that his tumour isn’t cancer, that he’s not going to die.

He says that he will probably have to have some sort of surgery, because he’s had vision loss for a while in one eye & there is a mass behind his eye – so not his brain? Still scary but he says that he’s read a lot of stories, mostly bad ones because I say no one posts the good stories, do they? But he says that some people have changed when they have had surgery, oddly he brings up autism – is that a thing? I mean he has undiagnosed something ,it could be autism, it could be ADHD but there is something there with him that’s for sure.

So what if he has surgery & he does change? Doesn’t recover properly? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Worse, what if he doesn’t remember me? Doesn’t know me or what we had anymore? I can’t even help but think – what if he does leave her & I finally get my public time with him & he fucking dies on me? Carrie Bradshaw who?! I ask again how I will know anything about what happens to him & he says he’ll tell me, but I remind him that he can’t message me once he’s dead. He squeezed me a bit tighter & said he’s not going to die & that I can read it in the paper when he dies. Um dude, no one reads the obituaries just to see if their married ex-boyfriend who is still their lover has died. So, I tell him that I’m glad he at least told me face to face – because can you imagine how much I would have catastrophised that if he told me via snapchat then logged off for days/weeks at a time. I would have spiralled & thought about him dying, thought about him having surgery & then having memory loss & forgetting me all together.

There are so many questions running through my head – all about me of course… Little miss self-involved.

Will I ever know if he dies?

Will she come find me? To tell me? To rub it in my face?

Why am I thinking at all that this is even about me?

#IBD4U

October 2024

I started a new job finally in mid-September, this is not a flexible job where I can just leave & have sex & make up the time later without asking my boss or at least letting her know my every movement or leave on my lunch break – taking longer & pretending I am at a meeting, then working later that evening like I have been able to do at other jobs, always making up the time. I am chained to the desk & I hate it – not only because I can’t have sex when I want & when he is available, but I am not used to it. I want to be out & about on the road & doing different things. I also hate that the team has a chat & they all say good morning & goodbye everyday – they are all paranoid about not being available on teams. I refuse to partake in this, our boss barely ever works from our office, more often than not working from home at least 3-4 times per week, but we can only work from home once per fortnight & even that is a bit hit & miss, so if she wants to know where I am or when I log on, she can come into the fucking office & see! I am not saying hello & goodbye when the team is right fucking next to me.

Marvel & I luckily caught up in September before I started this job, but after that, I have been genuinely unsure when I will be able to get away to see him again during the day, plus it’s school holidays – he never sees me in the school holidays, in fact he barely talks to me in school holidays, if at all. So, I am surprised at around 9:00pm the night before that he says he can see me tomorrow morning, so I start thinking of excuses to go in to work late, but he says he’ll come to me about 6:00 am. Which of course I jump at because I love morning sex & him sneaking in my bed but he says that it’ll have to be quick – I don’t know how he is going to see me in the morning, I don’t ask, but I assume it’ll be because he’s at the gym before she goes to work then will come to take the kids to school & she goes to work? I don’t know, I don’t care.

I set an alarm for 6:00am, thinking that he’ll get here after 6:00am, but luckily, I randomly wake up at 5:30am to see a message from him 10 minutes ago that he’s on his way. Fuck. That means he’ll be here shortly; lucky I woke up because he is way earlier than I thought he would be. I get up to unlock the door & sort the dogs out, then I jump back into bed, snuggling down into bed knowing I won’t sleep now but wanting to be sleepy when he fucks me – I can’t even remember the last time he snuck into my bed like this. He pulls in my driveway as the sun is rising over the hills at 5:45am.

There is no sneaking in, he’s loud as usual when coming in the front door, the dogs bark but they are in their crates, I hear him walking down the hallway, I know he is getting undressed, so when he slips into bed with me, I expect his boxers to be on, because that’s what he usually does which don’t ever stay on long, but today he has them off when he snuggles into spoon me. I make a comment about him being naked so quickly, he says he doesn’t have long. Fuck I’ve missed that feeling of him in bed with me, naked. Rubbing me all over. Kissing me from behind, with his super minty breath. We have quick, hot, rough, sex where I cum multiple times but as soon as he cums, he gets up quickly, dressing & is out the door by 6:15am. Jeez mate, that really was quick. I mean I have to get up for work anyway, so it’s not like I can hang around all day, but a fucking little cuddle wouldn’t hurt you.

He did tell me at some point, probably while we were fucking – it seems to be the time what we have proper conversations, that he left the kids home in bed as they don’t get up till after 7:00am so he’ll be home before they wake up & take them to school. I’m assuming she left at 5:00am because that would give her time to be in front of him? I don’t know, I don’t ask much about it. God knows what time she starts because she doesn’t work that far away but is in the suburb I grew up & used to always start at 8:00am except when she worked late on Monday nights. So I mean he would have basically had to follow her to work, or did he drop her off? What if she pulled over or forgot something & went home… I don’t know, I don’t care, not my problem! But he messages me when he gets home at 7:10am saying that the kids are still asleep and so I cheekily say that he should’ve fucked me twice. He said he didn’t want to risk it but he would just tell them he went out for bread. I was like, what about when you don’t walk in with a shopping bag, but he logs off without a trace. Shocker.

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I don’t hear from him for another 2 weeks, it’s unlike him to message me later at night on a weeknight that she isn’t working late, it’s usually Mondays, but today is Thursday, its like 7:00pm or so, so not extremely late, when I can only assume that everyone is in bed, at a time he doesn’t normally message, I write back, I always write back – always available. Like a fucking loser. He mentions that his wife is away tonight & I say that he should’ve told me & I could’ve come had sex with him in his driveway. He says that his son doesn’t go to sleep till after 10:00pm, (he’s probably 10 years old?! Shouldn’t he be in bed earlier?!) so I assume it’s a no go, so I don’t press the issue.

Anyway, I am doing lashes, so I am not able to write back quickly but if this is going to happen, then it’s important I write back fairly quickly or he’ll just log off & he won’t talk to me for weeks. To my surprise, he’s keen, constantly replying & I am invited to his house, once he has confirmed that both kids are asleep, I am on my way quicker than I care to admit when he lets me know I can head over. I am in a little summer dress, no underwear so it’s easy access for car sex, that will probably be really quick. I arrive at his house at 10:15pm after sitting at all the red lights for the night roadworks that are frustrating me being that all I want is Marvel inside me. Why does that always happen, when you want to get somewhere the traffic lights just say ‘nup, you ain’t going anywhere!’

Before I leave my house, I had asked where he wants me to park, knowing that he’ll have a fucking conniption about noise or his neighbours seeing me or him. He tells me to not to park in the driveway as it’s gravel & his son’s room in right there. It’s not like I was going to drive the whole way down, just at the top by the road. I doubt it would be that noisy – he lives there so obviously it is noisy, but anyway, I always do as I am told though – fuck knows why.

It’s a humid stormy night, there has been rain, there is a warmth in the air but a cooler breeze. I pull up over his driveway & let him know I am there. He jumps in my car after a minute or so, but doesn’t kiss me, I tell him that his neighbour’s door is wide open & they could probably see us on the road, so he tells me to drive, muttering something about people still being up so late. I ask where we should go, thinking that he wouldn’t want to leave the kids home alone & the fact that if I just pulled in a car length into the driveway, we’d be in the dark from the streetlights because of the trees & it wouldn’t be that loud on the gravel, not like I’m doing a burnout in the fucking gravel.

But I drive around the block & he doesn’t find anywhere suitable, so he says fuck it, we’ll just fuck on his deck outside at his house. I don’t think it’s a good idea, so I keep driving & find a space that I think will be good, but he doesn’t like it, of course, so I keep driving. I mean the funny thing is, this is a man who’s fucked me in a carwash in broad daylight, who’s cable tied me & fucked me over the bonnet of the car at a train station car park & in the car so many times on the side of the road out the front of peoples houses… So, I don’t get why this is so hard to find a place he’s going to be comfortable with, so when he suggests his deck again & I just think, fuck it, I want sex & we could be driving around all night before we find somewhere to fuck. I head to his house, but of course not without him telling me explicitly not to park in the driveway. Okay Marvel, calm yo titties.

The inside of his house looks the same but different. There are some new pieces of furniture, it’s still a mess, untidy & unorganised, not dirty & gross but just a small house with four people living in it. That it’s just a lived in home with too much furniture, I don’t notice much around the house because I am quickly ushered outside on to their new deck. He has recently received some inheritance & they spent it on a semi enclosed deck off the side of their house. It looks good. Even though I have just done a similar (much bigger) at my house a few years ago, I don’t know why I feel a bit jealous. I guess because every time they do something to the house etc, I realise that I am not part of his life in that way, that I have to do all that stuff on my own & I always picture them struggling financially (because of what he told me in affair number 1) so to see this awesome deck with a TV & fridge, all similar to what I did except mine is steel & concrete, makes me a little sad that he continues to live his life with her.

The deck is typical for them, cluttered & unorganised, it matches the inside of the house even though it’s new. There is a BBQ, an outdoor setting, a fridge, a TV, some solar lights & a couch type outdoor furniture, that I ask how many times he’s had sex on – because let’s face it, if this was my renovation, we would have fucked on it multiple times already. He says that he hasn’t & I sort of wish I didn’t ask – I don’t know why I did, because if he said yes, what the fuck would I have said? & I really don’t want to ask questions that make him lie to me.

We kiss once he’s shut the dog inside & made sure that the curtains are closed behind the door. I push him back towards the couch that is a little damp from the rain, but it doesn’t faze us. I climb up onto the couch, kneeling to straddle him; I want to tease him & kiss him, but something happens & his cock slides fully inside me. It catches us both off guard, because it was so unintentional, I mean I know he’s slipped in me easily, but never ever like this. He asks instantly if he’s inside me & as I move a little, I realise that he is actually fully inside me, so we start fucking.

He pops my tits out of my summer dress, sucking my nipples as I ride his cock, that I am cumming so hard & grabbing his shirt, that he hasn’t taken off, so tightly that I am sure it’s strangling him, but I don’t even care. The night air is intoxicating, the smell of rain, the smell of him, feeling him touch me, the stars peeking through the gaps in the clouds. I don’t even know how many times I cum, obviously trying to be quiet as we fuck under the stars for the first time in what seems like forever.

He flips me over to fuck me from behind, I love how hard he can fuck me in this position, but I am always reminded that this is the way he fucks/fucked his wife a lot… I am now too in my head that I won’t cum with him this way, but I am enjoying it once I clear my head. We lay on the couch for a while but now I am acutely aware that I am getting bitten by mosquitos. I haven’t been here long but this line we’ve crossed – that we’ve crossed before, brings me back to reality & I pull my dress down over my ass & up covering my tits & get up to leave. We kiss goodbye at the door, I don’t know why because I am happy but the feeling of melancholier washes over me on the drive home. Maybe because he doesn’t message me one the way home, I wait for the message that makes me smile every time on the drive, knowing he is thinking about me. But this time it doesn’t come.

I message him the next day which he replies but I don’t get much from him – what a surprise. I send him a snapchat of all the mozzie bites on my leg. It takes over a week for him to respond to the message & say that he should have lit some citronella candles.

So a stupid side story – My best friend got engaged around my birthday on her birthday, I am so happy for her, I have helped a little with planning the wedding, it will be a small intimate wedding. I am drafting designs of the wedding invites, thinking that I will probably never be designing my own – the only person I want to marry, I will never get to marry, not only because he is married to someone else, but because marriage means fucking nothing to him. As Marvel’s 5-year wedding anniversary approached & his wife was interstate, so he took no time in taking the opportunity to invite me over his house, sneaking me in & out the back to their newly built deck area while his kids were asleep. Marriage means nothing to him. But fuck me, there is something inside me – maybe my age now I’m 43, where I can’t stop thinking about marrying him. WHY? Is it because now I’m not taking the ADHD medication my brain won’t switch off? Is it because I’m helping plan a wedding? Is it just because I’ve never seen a future with anyone else? Oh how much I want to be married to him. -I doubt at this point I would ever bother changing my name with anyone but I fucking want his last name, I want our names to match. Fucking hell… He already gave his name to someone else… He doesn’t give a fuck about marriage, why do I?

#IBD4U

September 2024

He tells me one day that this favourite position of all time is when I am on top with my tits out – I have to push from my mind any thoughts of his wife being on top… Fuck I hate when I think about her. It’s more often than not that I think about her, particularly when he fucks me doggy style, probably why I hardly ever cum that way. Why do I think about her at all? I don’t know her…

I am working my last 2 weeks at the temp job which I have turned from a receptionist to a project consultant role, which caused them to keep me a bit longer, but I got a proper job thank goodness, so I go to Melbourne for the Thirty Seconds to Mars concert then I will be back to start my new full time job. Because it’s the end of the job & my boss is away, I just head in late while Marvel comes over after school drop off.

I plan on opening the door with no robe on but he’s at my house quicker than I realise, so he comes in & I have to rush around sorting the dogs out before I find him in the hallway & he pushes me aganist the wall, pulling open my robe & kissing me hard as his hand finds my clit to rub it then slips his fingers inside me. I am on tippy toes & glad for his strong arms around me because I lose balance easily when I am getting more & more turned on, close to cumming, it’s hard to remain standing.

We fuck in my bedroom, I have no sheets on the bed & he makes me squirt so much, that I am conscious of how wet the bed is. He messages me a few times after when I say that my room smells like sex, but he says that the more I squirt, the more it smells. I tell him that he is going to watch me cum just by me touching myself one day & then Marvel disappears for a week.

He just picks up the conversation from where it left off, talking about me teasing him & making him watch me from the chair, I tell him “Hmmm, yes I can if I tie your hands up, I can do whatever I want…. Just rub myself on your cock a little, poke my tits in your face & just rub my clit with my fingers, rocking my hips so I’m fucking my fingers on your lap…” I keep up this line of chat because I know it keeps him engaged & keeps him coming back online more regularly.

It works, I mean I may only get 1 or two messages per day, but he comes back online through September more than once a week. But mainly because I am working so hard to keep the sex talk going, so much so that he says that he’s frustrated just thinking about this scenario.

I wake up having a really vivid dream about him, which when I tell him, he of course asks me what it was about, “I woke up horny & wet obviously, so I rolled over rubbed your cock, you sort of woke up so I told you to stay asleep as I climbed on top of you & fucked you deep & slowly til I was cumming, then you flipped me over, taking me from behind hard & fast fulling my cunt with your cum.” He says that sounds fucking hot & I of course have cum to it. I’m sure that he will jerk off to the thought of it.

He asks me about my work situation, which I have just started the new job, I think this sexy talk I have been making sure is going on longer than it probably should, that he’s going to try to see me perhaps. I mean with this guy, who the fuck knows what he’s thinking. The half a dozen messages every second day are really just a full on tease that it won’t be long before he is working out when to fuck me again!

It’s a cheeky little game & it works every single time!

#IBD4U

August 2024

It’s my birthday week & it’s unusual for Marvel to message me every day of the week, but he has this week, I have been vague about when I am free this week because I am temping & if I don’t go to work, I don’t get any money, so it’s hard to to give up time for an interview & a time for sex. I do mention that it’s my birthday & I want a birthday fuck but he doesn’t ask what day or when.

When he suggests Thursday – I truly believe that he knows it’s my birthday but pretends he doesn’t know it’s my birthday – snapchat has a birthday reminder & it also puts a birthday hat on your bitmoji on the day… So, when on the day he says ‘you just wanted a birthday fuck’ which I reply that he was the one who suggested Thursday. Maybe he didn’t know & it’s just the little birthday cake next to my name on snapchat that he noticed this morning, but I like to think that he did know it was my birthday. I need to squash that type of thought because not only are we just fuck buddies & what fuck buddy knows their fuck buddies birthday, but he’s told me before that he’s terrible with dates so maybe he doesn’t but who cares I am about to get a birthday fuck, so I am not bothered if he knows or not – I would have told him when he got there that it was my birthday…. Plus, he did say happy birthday – sort of?!

I have a job interview in the morning in the city, so I meet him afterwards at my house – I do a lot of driving this day just because I am so desperate for sex & miss a day at my temp job to fit in fucking him, so this better be good! I mean let’s face it, when has it ever been bad? I wouldn’t be in this mess, 7 years later if it was ever bad.

He seems to take a while to get to my house once I say I am home, having messaged when I was leaving the city, so figured he would time it to be there when I get home, not wanting to waste any time & knowing that I have to go to another interview like an hour away from my house. I believe that doesn’t have notifications turned on this snapchat account, so he doesn’t know I’ve messaged & said I am on my way home from the city. He doesn’t look at it. This is not unusual, I don’t know why I even worry about it sometimes, this guy has always played it on his terms, for 7 fucking years I have never held the cards ever, so why am I surprised when he doesn’t look at my messages?

Even though we fucked for a significant amount of time & he hung out for a little bit afterwards, my only real recollection of this session is one of the most intense orgasm of my life… Yes you read that right – is this even possible at this point in this relationship with Marvel? How can things get better & more intense? I have no idea how but we started by kissing, I got on top & then I always slide down to suck his cock, when I realise it’s my birthday so I ask why am I sucking his dick, so I spin around & stick my cunt in his face, then lean back down to suck his dick. The ol 69 trick.

Now readers who are picturing me, may want to skip to the next paragraph, this position always feels good, but can be a bit of effort to both get the right spot, but he is getting the exact right spot on my clit – sometimes he can go a bit hard, it’s still good but when it’s softer like this, it is off the charts good… As he sucks & the way my legs are spread over his head, I am really open over his face that his mouth is on my clit but when he breathes out his breath, it’s right over my asshole… I am able to gyrate my hips with the motion of his tongue & mouth, getting into the same rhythm doesn’t always happen quite in sync, but this is just in the same motion, the right pressure, the breath on my ass that I am barely able to keep my mouth on his cock, I am moaning so hard telling him not to stop, which has basically now just turned into me sitting on his face backwards, there is no 69 because I cannot suck his dick. I cannot concentrate; my nipples are even rubbing on his hairy stomach which are increasing the sensation. He is relentless, reading my body like a book, like he always does but somehow more in tune today that usual, our rhythm is just right… me rocking back & forth on his face, his sucking the right spot on my clit, his breath caressing my asshole… Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, I cum so fucking hard & quickly & I keep cumming as he sucks on my clit a little harder.

I collapse to the side, barely able to turn back around, but I do & he isn’t done so he fucks me again which of course I cum, but I don’t think I will ever cum that hard again. Did turning 43 just intensify the orgasms? Or was it the birthday sex? Or was it that we just got the position right without even trying today? I can’t obviously remember every orgasm with Marvel – that would be impossible at this point, unless I wrote about every session straight after it happened, but fuck this one – maybe because it’s more recent, but honestly, most orgasms I’ve had to work for, like concentrate, get myself in the right position, really get out of my own head about how I look etc & then it builds up – are most women like that? Well, this one, I was just enjoying the moves, I wasn’t building, but it was feeling so good, then bam, I was cumming. Out of nowhere without even thinking about it. How the fuck does that even happen?

Ironically though Marvel talks to me a little afterwards, I initiate the conversation which isn’t usual, he will usually message me first after sex but I did because I still had jelly legs from that orgasm. He only sends 2 messages to me before he goes offline for almost 2 weeks. I think the things that hurt are the fact that I have literally had such an intense moment, with someone I stupidly am realising that I am still in love with, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe this is the way that he protects himself, maybe he didn’t realise how intense it was, I mean I didn’t shut up about it, so I’m sure he did know exactly how intense it was… Maybe I’m the idiot in love & he’s just here for sex…

We do finally talk about it through & says that because my ass was in his face & I’ve said that his breath was hitting my asshole, that he was considering licking it because it was so in his face. We’ve not rimmed each other at all, even after all the time, I know it’s not a first for him, but it would be a first for us together. He says that even though I stopped sucking his cock it was my birthday so he had to keep going & I remind him of how weak my legs were.

We have a discussion about how I want to fuck in the shower, logistically being I am munchkin & him being a giant, we are probably not going to be able to do it without some sort of slippery injury but I joke about him lifting me & he says that he’d give it a crack. It’s annoying cos at that time, I am pretty small – shortly after this, I put on about 13 kgs & feel awful about myself. I remind that if he just makes me feel a little bit good about myself, that I will be more confident & do anything that he wants me to do. Even then I tell him that it wouldn’t kill him to be nice to me, say something nice, but he doesn’t & hardly ever boosts my ego, unlike me who is boosting his ego every time we chat…!

#IBD4U

July 2024

While I am looking for work, it’s almost been a month of unemployment – again & I am sending out so many resumes & not even getting any calls at all. I am at an all-time low, I know I’ve said this before but this is just fucked. I have basically been looking for a job for a whole year due to the circumstances! Marvel asks how it’s all going & I say that it’s fucked & remind him that he thought he was the loser when he got made redundant. At least his was a genuine redundancy, my unemployment has been because my last two employers didn’t pass my probation for whatever fucked reason & I genuinely have no idea why, I can only speculate. But I am seemingly shit at work so I’m fired time & time again, I have no boyfriend & no prospects… I have no family (kids), I don’t have a lot of friends anymore. I am genuinely a loser. This is really an all time low in my life.

We talk about fucking in the car, which he says that he’s “dying” to do again, in public & in a confined space is hot. I agree & tell him he could come to my work, I am doing some temp work which I am earning half what I usually earn as a receptionist – I have no idea where we would even go but the idea is amazing & sexy. As a receptionist I am bored out of my mind & all the temp jobs I work at during this time, want to keep me (probably because they know I am worth double what they are paying & they are getting someone motivated to want to work.)

I have also been watching a bit of porn lately, I guess boredom of the unemployment, will do that to you. I’ve been looking at dry humping videos which really surprise Marvel but when I show him what I’ve been looking at, we have the longest conversation that we’ve had in a long time, albiet it’s all about sex & me waking him up riding his cock, but it goes on for a few days. What’s interesting about that, is I know sex sells, I’ve used it as a tool to get men to like me/want to be with me ever since I started having sex, Marvel is no different, the only way to keep his attention is through sex. No one wants the boring stuff.

Marvel says if he was asleep next to me & I woke him up by riding his cock, he’d pretend to be asleep for as long as possible to savour the moment. But he says that he wouldn’t be asleep for long. We talk about our most fucked up fantasies, I think mine is still the intruder fantasy, which he says isn’t weird but I think that’s just because we both have that fantasy. He tells me about a kidnapping fantasy which he’s never told me about before. He doesn’t have a van but would like to kidnap me then fuck me in the van with my mouth duct taped & hands cable tied. I think that is so hot, a little fucked up but remember it is consensual… & it’s just a fantasy not something either us would do in real life without consent.

Because it’s school holidays we don’t see each other but I am surprised at how regularly he is coming online, mainly I think to finish this conversation of sexy talk being that the night before I’d cum while chatting to him & showed him a picture of my sticky cum on my fingers. It’s weird when he talks consistently, he hasn’t done this in so long that it’s disconcerting. But I stupidly love it & want him to keep coming back online, so I keep the sex talk going, not bringing the conversation down with my unemployed loser life. But sex is the inky thing that keeps him coming back. He’s treating me like he does give a fuck about me, not just as a fuck buddy as someone you don’t need to bother treating with respect. But how tragic that I can’t show my true feelings to keep him interested, who am I kidding, he doesn’t respect or care about me. Yet, these type of multi day in a row conversations remind me of the good old times of the affair number one when he not only put in effort but he made me feel like I mattered to him.

When he rocks up at my house, we’ve had almost 2 weeks of consistent sexy chats that I am feeling sexy & wanted, I put on lingerie & my long knee high boots. I tell him that he knows where to find me. I am in my room waiting for him when he arrives. Because we’ve talked about it a lot, I make him sit in the chair & watch me use my vibe before I allow him to fuck me. We kiss passionately & I suck his dick while my vibe is still on me, making me grind against it. It’s hot & sexy.

Post coital, I tell him about Referee & how he’s offered me $2500 to fuck him. Marvel is surprisingly on board with me doing it, he even encourages it knowing I need the money & says that he would do it.  Marvel even suggests that I could maybe set it up to be the 3sum I’ve always wanted & get paid for it? Maybe Referee would enjoy watching me be fucked by Marvel. If it was easier to set things up with Marvel, I would have 100% done it with him, but we’ve not been able to set it up this whole time, so I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. Now that I have Marvel’s blessing, could I do it? I really don’t want too & if you’ve read the Referee story you know I don’t end up doing it.

Of course, though after the days & days of talking leading up to us fucking. I get 3 messages from Marvel before he logs off & waits for 5 fucking days to talk to me again. I shouldn’t be surprised at this, he gives me a little, gives me what he wants when he wants, then gets what he wants when he wants, then pulls back. He’s done it for years & this is why I just have to shut those feelings down… I am just here for the ride. I get no say as usual but that’s my fault, not his.

#IBD4U

June 2024

He gets glasses which he says make him look geeky, I think this is going to be another round of how cool I am & how uncool he is, like he did when we were together the first time, so I am apprehensive but I ask for a picture & he actually sends one to me, which is not his usual style so it surprises me, I barely ever get pics from him these days & if I do, it’s usually his cock but even that is very few & far between. He does look a little geeky, but cute geeky. His geek side is not something that bothers me about him, but something his wife teased him about, so he has a major complex about it. I tell him he doesn’t look geeky, but he looks older than me – an ongoing joke we have being that I am 2.5 years older than him. He of course retaliates saying that my skin is looking old, but he has some grey hairs. I tell him that I can’t be looking that bad because his cock is always hard around me.

So, it’s been a fucked few weeks – the incident with Trainer happens & I am fired from my job at 7:30am via a phone call while driving a work car to the office. I let Marvel know that I am off this week & next week, hoping there will be something good to come out of me being fired that I tell him I am close to coming to his work & fucking him in the car.

I am in a bad mood being I just got fired, again for the third time in my life & he’s been leaving me on read so much lately – well it’s not lately, he’s done this a lot over the years, it’s always pissed me off but I’m at work usually so I don’t either know or notice when he does it but of course I am bored & waiting for him to write back to me. Finally, he sets up a lunchtime fuck, but he messages just after 8:00am to ask if he can come after school drop off instead. I have slept in but wake up just before 9:00am so I message & say that I’ll just stay in bed, which I do but when he arrives the dogs break out of the kitchen & so I have to get up a rescue him, I put on a dressing gown & quickly get the dogs locked back in the kitchen – knowing he has a thing about my dog breed, a dog breed that’s not particularly known for being vicious but he mentions multiple times that he’s met some mean ones in his time. Literally most people tell me when they meet my dogs that they have never met my dog breed in real life. But for him, he’s met several & they’ve been vicious?! Sure whatever dude… Well, I guess there’s a strike against me for at least the next 10 years if he’s ever single…

Today he starfishes the whole session, he lays there while I do everything, he doesn’t get on top, he doesn’t go down on me, I ride him & I suck his cock, he cums inside me from underneath me – a big load. Its not like him at all to cum on the bottom but also not like him to not go down on me. But he later tells me that it’s hot me doing all the work for a change. I know that I do some of the work every time we fuck but he then usually gets on top & fucks me to finish. He will also usually go down on me or finger me at least. But it’s just me on top, fucking him, cumming & making him cum below. Its definitely hot, it’s certainly not as predictable. It was hot & steamy. & I feel like that spontaneity spark has come back.

#IBD4U

May 2024

There is literally no chat with him on this day but he is supposed to be coming over – his usual MO, he doesn’t speak to me much or at all on the morning if he has already planned to come over. He has organised the fuck session & then doesn’t chat in the morning to confirm or make sure I am still free. Imagine if I needed to bail, he wouldn’t fucking know… He could literally talk to me all day everyday while she’s at work but you can put money on it that on the day that’s he going to see me, he will not message hello or good morning. I am too stubborn to message him first, obviously, he is always up before me, so he should message me first but then I get a simple message “On my way now” & I send back “see you soon…” which I shouldn’t even bother as he doesn’t read my replies, he just rocks up so we literally could not say much less than that right?

We have sex, I suggest watching in the mirror, but I get self-conscious because of my hips – they have gotten so big since I had stomach surgery & now any time I put on weight, it doesn’t go to my stomach, it goes to my hips, legs & arms. I am self conscious, I struggle to cum, but of course I do because let’s face it, if I am riding him, then I am going to cum, no matter how much I try to stop it & I don’t think he could stop it if he tried…

There is something about our catch up today, I haven’t slept with anyone else or really dated anyone else in the last almost 18 months now so perhaps that why, it can’t be the witty conversation over text because that is non-existent at this point with him, we text only really about sex, we have sex & then we actually speak in person. But even our in person conversation isn’t that deep. We chat about my work, his work & nothing much else, I let my guard down sometimes over sharing, but I definitely never talk about how I feel about him or anything that would make this more that fuck buddies.

I don’t always have the best memory, so I wish that I wrote more notes & I wish I remember our post coital chats better, because today as he is laying there talking about fuck knows what, I am enamoured by whatever he is saying & I feel a tingle. This tingle isn’t in my clit, that’s satisfied (for now), this tingle is in my heart… FUCK. What the fuck is that about? What does that even mean? I can’t rekindle the feelings I had for this man, he will just shut me down, I am almost certain of that, remembering him spouting to me multiple times at the start of affair number 3 ‘don’t get too close to me’ so I am not sure what I am feeling, his wall is way up, he can log off for weeks without even a thought of me, mine is crumbling brick by brick with every word he’s saying & I don’t even remember what he fucking said, but I can’t get close to him again.

Let me be clear, I haven’t ever stopped loving this man per se, the variance of this love is usually based on the way he’s treating me, how much he’s online, what he’s saying, but I always love him & I always think of him as my best friend, even with this skerrick of a friendship he gives me. If you asked me, I would say I don’t have feelings for him, that I don’t love him. True I am not “in love” in the sense of the word but this man was my first love & I’m still fucking him like 7 years later, so of course there is love there… So I wish that I knew what he said this day to flick that switch. To make me walk away thinking that I am “in love” with him. Not as deeply as I was, but I can’t deny it anymore (pretty much since the Papa Roach concert I guess), that I love him & I am actively in love with him.

… Fuckity, fuck… I’m fucked.

---

Later that month, unprecedented by his standard but not of late I guess, Marvel is catching up with me again. Maybe he felt it too? Or am I just cooked? I don’t know what but we barely ever catch up twice in a month. Maybe he felt it? Don’t be stupid #IBD4U, you didn’t feel anything. I need to be emotionless, he did say ‘Don’t get close to me‘ so many times that it is imbedded in my brain. I can literally still hear it in my head… He keeps me at a distance because he is married & shouldn’t be seeing me, he doesn’t want to get caught, he doesn’t want to lose his family, doesn’t matter about me or my feelings. It’s about him, not about me. He doesn’t care how much this hurts me, he doesn’t care that I lost my best friend & the only way I can get a snippt of his time, is to do it on his terms & turn off any feelings I had or am having. I need to shut that shit down right now.

He comes over & within about 5 minutes I have cum three times, I then suck his dick because I can’t seem to keep cumming today. I suck it until he cums in my mouth, I lick it all up like a good girl that he likes, but then he gets dizzy & has a weird headache. He lays on the bed, I am careful not to touch him but offer him a drink & Panadol.

Our post coital chat today is mainly about his facebook page because he is now making a fair bit of money from it. He has been so sporadic posting with it, but now they are paying him for posts, he has taken a huge interest in it & posting really regularly. We chat about it a lot, when he gets passionate about a subject, you can’t shut him up about it. It’s quite cute & endearing. Fuck, I can’t find him cute… He isn’t cute, he isn’t anything. He’s just a fuck buddy I see for a monthly service & that’s it.

Remember, don’t get too close to him!

#IBD4U

April 2024

Interestingly, the only social media that Marvel is not blocked on is TikTok. I don’t know why I haven’t blocked him on there, but because his number is in my phone, he comes up on everything & I usually block him. But for some reason I don’t block him on TikTok. I don’t post a lot ever & if I do, it’s about my dogs. The night before we have planned to see each other, I get a notification that he has looked at my profile. This is the first time & it isn’t the last but it’s not often that he does look at it, but he does. But what the fuck is he doing? Why is he looking at it? Can she see it? Is it her? Oddly though, I don’t block him. I do however, ask him a while later if she has TikTok & stalking me on there, because she was obsessed with checking out my Facebook, so assuming she’d find me wherever else she could. He says that she watches reels on Facebook but not TikTok. I can’t find her under her name to block her. He is now blocked on there & LinkedIn since he told me he uses that too…

When he arranges to come over after his work, so around lunchtime for him as he works part time. I take my lunch break. Today he kisses me, really kisses me. His kisses are usually rougher & he’ll bite my tongue, which I like (kinda) but don’t love, today he kisses me, kisses me passionately. It’s different to his usual kissing. He kisses me deep & I even mention the next day that he kissed me different. He says that he didn’t kiss me differently. He also kisses all over, my tummy, my inner thigh, around my cunt, before he goes down on me, teasing me & making me beg him to let me cum… & I fucking begged. He never usually does the trail of kisses over my body, like hardly ever…

Look, I like to be teased to cum, or for him to stop kissing everywhere but my sweet spot. But I don’t like being so turned on I am begging him to touch me – well, maybe I do. It’s a love hate relationship. I fucking hate being teased, but fuck I love it!! But jeez I hate that he gets me to a point where I am begging for him. In the moment, I don’t even realise that I am begging, or so desperate from him to make me cum, it just comes out my mouth. I’ve never really talked during sex before & so with Marvel, when I beg him to let me cum or tell him I am cumming, it’s so involuntary. I don’t even realise I am doing it. I don’t think he minds at all!  He chuckles like a fucking prick when I am whining & begging for him to make me cum.

He isn’t at my house long this day so there isn’t a lot to write about because we also don’t see each other much in April & of course we chat for only a few messages each week – if that. The chat is mostly about him edging me when we saw each other.

One of the  most annoying things with Marvel is when he says to me “Are you able to work from home tommorow morning” & I reply, almost straight away – knowing that he might not be online for long so if I don’t write back quickly, I might miss the opportunity for him to see it. In this case I had to say no but of course I offer up another option, but he doesn’t read it for 2 days! How does he even know what I wrote?! What if I planned to stay home & organised it – because I have to tell my staff etc what I am doing, so I can’t just do it on a whim. Imagine if I planned to stay home & he didn’t rock up…

Fuck, no wonder why I get so angry & hate him so much. But of course, then my vagina calls his name, he comes back online & I crumble like a piece of paper. This is not the first time he’s done this & it isn’t the last either. Always on his terms, always when he dictates.

#IBD4U

March 2024

To set up a catch up in March, we literally send 6 messages since we last saw each other & then on the day we planned, we send only 2 messages. In total. Could he fucking say any less to me at this point?! Does he even care about me?! Do I even want to keep doing this? I tried to make it just sex, now that’s what he’s giving me? I do feel more when I am with him, like I feel like he cares for me, but fuck this guy gives me absolutely nothing outside of when he sees me, that I don’t know what keeps me coming back or him for that matter!

After the 8 messages each that we have sent in March, it is another fortnight before he speaks again, not chatting to me after we fuck at all. I wish I looked back then for the green dot on snapchat that says you’ve been online in the last 24 hours – because spoiler alert – he tells me later that he had been online – he was on snapchat fairly regularly but didn’t talk to me, just looking at my icon of a sent message & not reading it or replying – more about that later… Fucking wanker jerk.

So this day it was apparently was good sex because I supposedly said to him that I was more horny than usual & he says that he enjoyed it but who knows why I was more horny, maybe its because where I was in my cycle, I have no idea but I do remember I was but because we didn’t really talk about the ins & outs of what we did afterwards via chat, I am not entirely sure what happened or what we did. But it was fucking hot, that’s for sure…

My notes & our convo say that I came home from work & we fuck in every position, I remember being so turned on this day & like I couldn’t get enough of him inside me. I couldn’t get enough orgasms. I let him fuck me however he wants & even let him fuck my ass, wanting him every way I can have him. I remember that this was also a time where when I was riding him, I would start off leaning down, kissing him, rocking back & forth really slowly, until I can feel my orgasm building, that I would pick up speed a little & within a few minutes, I cum hard & loud on his cock, feeling my cunt pulsing as I finish on top of him, collapsing into his chest.

This is something new I have been doing, fucking him slowly. We are usually really hard & fast, while there is feeling between us, there is something more intimate & different abut fucking slowly, using his cock how I want too, being in control, but not in a dominate way, just in a way to reach my orgasm how I want too, him underneath me loving the feeling of me slowly going deeper with each thrust.

---

It’s the same month & Marvel is chatting more & asking if I want to catch up again. Very unprecedented, we only see each other once a month usually. He comes over after school drop off & after my stupid weekly meeting & we have sex. Around this time, I wasn’t even thinking about this blog, or even just using this medium as a journal. I wasn’t writing. I kind of regret not writing like a journal because it is good to look back on but with everything that happens in 2024 with job.

I think things will never be as they were with Marvel. Does he deserve my time? Does he deserve any more air time in my blog? Probably not. But now (as I write in early 2025) I wish I had written about things we did back then or wrote better notes, or even just had better conversations with him. Looking back on my blog & our relationship, like I did a few years ago when I turned it into ebooks, it was good to look back on what happened, the nitty gritty – the good, the bad, the ugly, the hurt, the pain, the love & hate. But honestly, it reminds me why I put up with this shit from him, this less than sporadic messaging, the once a month catch up for sex only & always being available when he texts because I get notifications.

Again I don’t have a lot written about what happened in March 2024, however because we are predictable, I can almost guarantee that we went straight into my room, fooled around a little bit, then we fuck with him on top, before I say I want to be on top. I’ll slide down his body, kissing as I go before I suck his dick. When I am done with his cock in my mouth, I’ll ride him, of course I’ll cum multiple times, then he’ll get on top, flipping me over to fuck me from behind before he cums. We don’t even cum in interesting ways anymore, it’s always inside me. Never on my tits or tummy or mouth. Not that I am complaining, it’s always good but it’s not surprising or innovative. It’s passionate & comfortable. There is still the undeniable chemistry between us but time limitations have caused us to be repetitive.

#IBD4U

January/February 2024

Marvel hasn’t spoken to me since mid-December. He doesn’t usually talk to me while the kids are on school holidays, so I am used to this – he’s always been like this, even though I know he works part time & he totally could message me, he always makes sure that he doesn’t, being strong & keeping that distance, never letting his guard down. I never know when he is going to pop up again, I never know if he is going to pop up again, if I am really honest with myself. My brain regularly catastrophises that he is dead or that he moved interstate without telling me. Lets face it, if I don’t ever hear from him, I may never know why.

I don’t normally bother saying happy birthday to him – I did as Noodle & would have as Silverlining, but not as Marvel. He barely acts as if he likes me, he doesn’t deserve for me to make him feel special by messaging him. I haven’t in the last few years. He’s seen me on my last few birthdays to have sex, but fuck him, I am not going out of my way to say happy birthday, especially since I know that it will sit at unread for weeks while he’s off doing whatever he’s doing – being stronger than me, avoiding me. I hate looking at the unread message icon, knowing he’s not been online or thought about me at all. But to my surprise, he comes back online the day after his birthday, making a comment on a video that I sent him last year, I haven’t sent anything since then, cos I am being just as stubborn as him.

I am working a shitty temp job, which is hard to get away from because if I am not there, I don’t get paid. I need money right now so I can’t just be taking time off for sex. But the boss I have is so good, I’ve told her I have a couple of interviews so she knows that I am looking for work at a higher level of what I am doing & would let me take some time off. I also have been offered a job which starts later this month but they have jipped me $10k off the advertised salary – I genuinely believe that they have done that because they know me from my previous roles & they know I am unemployed. They are calling my bluff about being desperate for money, but I have accepted it but am seriously on the fence on if I should see how these other interviews go before.

I end up rolling the dice & decline that job that offered me $10k less & wait to hear from these other jobs interviews that I have been too. When Marvel comes back online, he’s behind what’s been going on so he thinks I have started the new job, but I tell him that I am still temping. But almost a week after asking, he looks at my reply telling him I didn’t start that job & am still temping for a little bit when he finally organises to see me. It’s early February & I have just started a new job, where I will be on the road & the boss – the unofficially titled head of SA, however they also tried to jip me $10k but it was initially $20k more than the one I turned down. So I negotiate $5k more – I should have asked for more once I found out that my staff were earning the same as me FFS.

I am all ready to stay home & see him this morning, go in late – I’ve told my staff that I have a meeting & will be in later etc, so because I start at 7:30 am, I have slept in a little being I don’t have a commute to worry about, when I get a message “Fuckkk i can’t do today, my body is having some technical difficulties, pretty sure my son will be home from school. And my wife is sick at work and could come home anytime. And I pretty sure what I have is contagious as it’s gone thru my whole family.” No sorry. No reschedule date. No care factor about me at all & what I put on the line… So get fucked. I don’t write back. What would I say anyway, ‘ok no worries, Marvel, let me know when you are free’ no, fuck him. I am not replying, especially when it won’t be read. So, I don’t. I am so angry that I change my life around to see him & I don’t even get a sorry or a reschedule date?

But because he has to be the one who’s the most stubborn, even though he was the one who fucking bailed, I have to be the one to fix things. It’s always on me to fix things… I wait 4 days before I message because he hasn’t bothered to come back online – well maybe he has, but he hasn’t fucking messaged me. I am booked for a trip to QLD for work, so I need to see him soon or it’ll be end of Feb before I see him again… I haven’t had sex all of 2024 & it’s mid Feb, so I finally message & say “So when are you planning on making it up to my vagina?” which he must be online or lurking, because he fucking replies quickly (here’s me thinking he never logs back on except when he messages… Apparently not!) & says that he’s only just gotten better & offers up a few different options.

I work from home one morning & he comes over right at the end of the weekly operations online meeting, which is a complete fucking waste of time – I hate meetings for the sake of meetings, which this one is & it’s weekly FFS. Anyway I let him know that my computer camera will be on & he will need to sneak in as it’s fucking going over time – another thing it never does. For the first time since I started, it usually goes for 20-30 minutes but today it’s almost 45 minutes & there is no end in sight.

He rocks up & I alert him that I am still in the meeting. Mainly so he doesn’t come over & get in the camera, so he sits on the couch & plays with his phone. It’s the only time I’ve ever felt awkward with him, because I have to speak in the meeting & sound all professional & like I know what I am talking about & I don’t want him to hear but I also do want him to hear that I am as smart as he thinks I am… I have no notes about that sex session because I didn’t write any & I we didn’t really talk about it afterwards, usually our conversation only exists of us talking in detail (but briefly – what a contradiction, hahaha.) what we did & I can look at the screenshots of the conversation & be reminded of what we did so I can write about it. But because of how little he talks to me these days, I don’t have a lot to write about. I know that the sex is always good, but we’ve fallen into a routine of fucking in the bedroom, me climbing on top, cumming, then sucking his dick then fucking from behind until he cums. It’s good. It’s amazing. But it’s predictable. With the limited time that we have, I guess that’s all we have time we have so we can’t do anything too elaborate anymore.

#IBD4U

Here’s another post I found lying around in the depths of my draft posts.

I am sick, sick as fuck. I have the worst diarrhoea that I have ever had. I don’t even know what has made me sick, food poisoning? Lying in bed for a complete weekend has got me bored. I download an app, I pay $60 for a month. Why am I doing this?

I chat to a couple of people, not ever worthy to write a blog about but I chat. One dude wants to meet for coffee & after I say yes & we agree to meet 10:00am Sunday at a café that I don’t know, he tells me that he is actually 49, not 45, that he can’t change his age as ‘the app won’t let him change it’ – so many things fuck me off about this. Firstly, the app will let you change it. Secondly, if he is 49 then he wouldn’t have even come up in my search for a match, because even though I am 43 now, I still don’t think I am that old, so dating someone almost 50 just seems insane to me, but I guess in reality, he is probably an ok age bracket for me so I figure I’ll still go on the date.

Saturday night there is a terrible thunderstorm & I am awake all night. Tomorrow is my only sleep in, so I message at 2:00am letting him know that I probably won’t make it at 10:00am. I wake up at 9:00am & he’s messaged asking if I am going which I apologise & say no, I won’t make it. He asks to me at 6:00pm after work, but I don’t reply & he deletes me. Fair enough. I deserve that.

At this time, I am chatting to Ralph anyway & actually getting along with him, we chat a lot to the point he asks if we are going to meet at the beach for a walk with the dogs. I don’t really answer which I think annoys him because he doesn’t really write back to me after he asks again & I say ‘I thought we’d already agreed, no?!’ Now I mean the “no” with a French accent – you know how they say no at the end of a sentence?

When he doesn’t write back that morning, the day of the proposed date, I realise my mistake & he might have read that as if I said no, so I clarify & he messages normally for the rest of the day until we meet. He’s already on the beach when I get there, I message to say I am there & he says he’s in the red shorts on the beach. I walk down the beach & let the dogs off but our dogs (his & mine) have a little argy bargy & sort of snap at each other – well that’s not a good sign.

We walk down the beach & get to the boat ramp & he asks if I want to go up there, um to a concrete boat ramp over huge rocks? He says that it’s his happy place but I say no, I just usually walk up & back, he doesn’t seem to mind, the beach is my happy place. He talks a lot, I mean I am a talker but I barely get a word in, to be honest, I don’t even know what he says but its’s all about him or his four kids, he has two older kids & twins that he has all on a bit of a different rotation schedule, which I can’t keep up with or who’s who.

When I finally get to say something about having a trailer (top notch convo) & he asks if I reverse it, which I say ‘Of course I do, I live alone, who else will do it?’ Which he says ‘that’s aggressive.’ Um, what the fuck? My response or the fact I reverse the trailer? I ask how it’s aggressive but he just says it again & I am like what is aggressive about it? When he says ‘I said impressive.’ & I laugh, but fuck, how many times did I say aggressive before he realised I heard it wrong & corrected me…

After the walk, we chat on the footpath for ages, I notice that he is wearing Ralph Lauren shirt & shorts. I don’t know why that’s weird but wearing double brand is just odd to me. But not a deal breaker, just something I noticed as he talked incessantly about his ex’s & being screwed over with houses, twice. I fucking hate the ex talk but I haven’t been given an opportunity to ask any questions to steer the conversation away from this or been asked any questions, I’ve barely even been able to add my own tid bits. This isn’t a convo, this is a rant.

Sorry, correction, he did ask if I am smart, but not like a question, he said ‘you must be smart because you’re in *insert industry*’ which I said, yes & he moved on with his next topic before I could elaborate. He asks if I am interested in another walk & I say yes another time & that I should go, the dogs aren’t great at just standing around, they were getting restless…

I get home & start cooking dinner when I get the text message ‘So #IBD4U, what are you thinking?’ stupidly, I didn’t really think about my reply, saying the first thing in my head that I am thinking I am hungry for dinner. He knows I am going to a themed work event so people will dress up & he asks if I have other costumes. Which I say that I do, honestly not thinking about this interaction so I just say yes but not onea I’d wear to work but he presses asking what & letting me know that he knows a guy who can help with a dress rehearsal.

Is he thinking I am going to some sort of kink event? I am going to a day time work function where the theme is magic! Like wtf does he think I am going to be doing…

I tell him “Hahaha after one walk on the beach, you think you get to know all the cheekie secrets??” he then writes to tell me that he has full length mirrors. I tell him that I have a wall of mirrors in my room – which is true & I get no reply…

Later on, I realiae that he’s just after casual, so I test & say I’m not looking for casual & I should have been more upfront… I mean I am not interested in a casual thing at all & certainly after one 30 minute walk on the beach I am not going to be doing any sort of fashion parade no matter if it’s my lingerie or just a normal costume for a work event.

He relies the next morning “I’m a believer in everything starts casual, I find it funny how it’s thought you can jump into a relationship. 🤷‍♂️” um what? When did I said I wanted to jump into a relationship?? After that he never replies but months later when I am bored on a dating site, he pops up & likes my profile… Really dude??

Moving on…

#IBD4U

I found this post in the drafts… Thought I’d share!

After being fired for the third time in my life, when I am dedicated, hard working individual who isn’t always the perky Elle Woods, but I am not awful to work with or to manage – well not in my opinion. I would only admit this now but many years ago I probably wasn’t the best worker, always pissed off about what others were doing or getting & not focusing on what I was doing or trying to achieve, I probably should have been performance managed at one point, for sure but not now. Yet here I am having been fired from a third job & feel like utter shit. I have no clue what I am going to do. I have no savings, I have no partner to back up my missing salary. I have no prospects to get a new job.

Luckily when I was fired for the second time I had done some random temping for an agency & received rav reviews – they were even looking for a senior role for me but knew I wouldn’t stay in the role I was doing. So this third time I called that woman and she got me into a temp job for 4 – 6 weeks & when I hadn’t gotten anywhere with gaining an ongoing role, she straight away placed me into another temp job, knowing that the temp jobs I am doing are beneath my skills, so I obviously get rav reviews as I am doing way more than expected abd asking for more, which makes gee also look for a more senior role for me.

There aren’t many options to get money quick. I signed up for Uber Eats again to deliver some food but as it’s the middle of winter, it’s dark by the time I get home from catching the train to & from the city – not usually a problem, but maybe from listening to too many murder podcasts, I have to have a photo up on the Uber app, which of course I look good so I’m scared someone is going to jump out the bushes & get me while I’m delivering thier food to their dodgy front porch!

Last year, after the second firing, I did sign up for OnlyFans – which is basically an adult content facebook, I got one follower. But it is all self promoted, there is no suggested “videos you might like.” section. So my first issue was the fact I didn’t want my face up, what a surprise. So that made promotion difficult & I had to create accounts on other apps to post the content first like Instagram, Snapchat & Reddit.

My second issue is that I didn’t want anyone to see it, especially a prospective employer or anyone from my past I guess. I edited every photo to remove any tell tale signs it was me, including a freckle in my leg or the dark skirting boards in my bedroom. It took ages. I never posted anything too bad, was feet pics or lingerie but like I said I removed any tell tale sign it could be me. So I used reddit to promote my OnlyFans but I have no clue how to use it & as always I wasn’t consistent so I made no money & then I got a job eventually so I deleted it.

So what can I do for money? Well a friend who I used to work closely with has made his desire for me clear – I suspect as he might read this blog, not many guys know about it but I just have a feeling. One day he rings me, clearing his throat every second word that I think what the fuck is he going to ask, we were just having a normal friend convo. He says that he’d offer me $1000 to *cough* you know *cough* to eat your *cough* pussy. I don’t remember how I even said no & got off the phone but I did & we hung up.

He messages later ‘Would like to clarify on last conversation. I was pretty nervous to raise the issue with you so probably didn’t come out well. Absolutely not interested in starting something, really am only interested in a one off For me is more like a bucket list type thing, absolute could not and would not want to go there again. The other thing I didn’t say was I really only have an opportunity tomorrow, Thursday evening as my partner is away. And I have some money put aside at the moment. So that’s what it was all about. You have always been a fantasy for me as well for so long and you only live once so I’m going to put it out there one last time $1.5K for about 1 hour of your time it’s just between you and me.’ I stare at it for so long, could I do this??

My initial reaction is still no, which to my surprise, eveyone who I told says to me that I should do it. It’s Monday, I need money. A chick from the temp job who I’m friends with on snapchat tells me to do & is adamant that she would do it. When I chat to some clients about it, they say that I should 100% do it. There is only one person really aganist who even offers me the money to borrow if I am desperate.

Look financially it isn’t a good time for me, I am hanging in by a thread to everything I have. Luckily I never have to sell anything but I come close a few times. But am I going to do something I really have no desire to do for money? One point I hear, is that no one likes work, think of it like a job. Also another client asks, how many people have I fucked that I wish I hadn’t/haven’t enjoyed & for free!!! Well she has a point. Hahaha.

While I’m job hunting, this guy is a referee for me – let’s face it he’s had to do a few recently for me, so we’ve kept in contact because of that. I mean don’t get me wrong he was a good friend. At one point when I was at my fittest, we were doing park run together & working together (at the first job I got fired from!)

Let’s back track too, he was in my team at the job I was at the longest, you know the one where I travelled a lot & then they started treating me like shit – apparently firing me because I started my little lash business. Well he was in my team & I know his wife. I always just thought wr were friends I never knew he had a fantasy of being with me for one night only… As I said earlier, I have a feeling he’s read the blog & honestly, I am not like he thinks I would be, I can assure you.

Anyway, he tells me to apply for this job, I get an interview but don’t get the job – even though he is my referee & apparently one of the interviewers are his close friend. Oh well, guess it’s not meant to be but I would have loved that job.

He has some health issues (trying not to give this guy away) but it’s pretty serious & it makes him up the price to $2500 because apparently “you only live once” right. I am starting now to get more desperate that I think maybe we should discuss it, so I try but he wants to talk on the phone about it, I don’t because it’s fucking awkward. This is what makes me think I can’t do it. How will it even go down?

I ask how he wants this to go down, he asks if I want the money transferred or cash – I personally think that’s the least of my concerns right now. As I start to talk about how it will happen, definitely not my house, not sure I want to go to his but ask what his thoughts are, what he is expecting from me & that cash is probably best but a transfer is less awakward, he takes like 18 hours to reply saying “currently wrestling with my conscience.” oh FFS.

I know it’s going to be awakward because I am not into it, I never want anyone to find out I went through with it – especially Marvel (yes I’m still seeing him) & I know what he’ll say, however to my surprise, after sex one day when I mention it, he basically tells me to do it. I don’t think he is serious but I guess I have his approval & I do really need the money. But Marvel is in my mind, I don’t want to keep fucking other people, I don’t want to keep adding notches to my bed post. Plus it’s been so long since I have been with someone else.

I say to Referee that I knew this would happen, that he would pull away as soon as I entertained the idea, I mean I can tell by how awkward he was to ask. I also don’t want someone whos not sure & going to make me take the lead. Yeah that can be fun, but it’s not entirely my vibe. I want someone more dominant & sure of what to do – unfortunately for me, I want a Marvel type, which I am certian this is not it.

He says to me, “I’m really torn, I really want to- in some  ways I can’t even believe it’s a possibility but my conscience is giving me a  hard time. These are the things on my list – deep passionate kissing, playing with, licking and sucking your tits, eating your pussy, you sucking my cock and licking my balls – so I am not even sure if you would agree with these things anyway. Well if those things are acceptable for you, I am happy to proceed. Let me know if you want to proceed.” Happy to proceed? What a sexy offer! Hahaha… So transactional, maybe that’s the best way to get through this?

I reply saying that kissing isn’t on my agenda & sucking his dick & balls would be on a mood type thing, I don’t want to force that & if I’m not feeling it, I don’t want to just suck his balls because hes paying me… That’s not a fav thing to do with a random guy but a friend says do whatever he wants for $2500. I mean just cos he’s paying doesn’t mean I have to just do what he wants, does it? Don’t I get a say? I know it’s his fantasy but I still should get a say in what I willing to offer?? He says “the non kissing is really disappointing. I could probably move past that but a maybe on some things depending on the mood wouldn’t work for me. Yes not at yours agreed.”

That’s about where it ends, we don’t really talk about it again. I mean I am not entirely sure I could’ve gone through with it anyway, I mean I could just picture him walking into my house – he’s been here before, he took me to lunch when I got fired from the job we worked at together, he bought my flowers & told me not to post it on Facebook, so I knew there was some attraction for him but he would be awkward in a sexual scenario & I’d have to take charge & I just don’t want too.. I also really don’t want to have sex with someone new. Someone who doesn’t know my body or what I like that I’m going to have to probably guide to do what I want & see my naked body which I am so concious of these days.

I eventually get a job, which I need him to be a referee for, which he does & I am so thankful for it, so I don’t end up doing it. There might be a week between my temp job & going to Melbourne that I am not working, which freaks me out & I would probably have to do it but luckily, I don’t have too… I don’t want to force it.

But I guess I’ve established my price. Hahaha $2500 for one session. Not a bad pay day.

#IBD4U

So I didn’t know what would happen after that night, I didn’t know that he had messaged the Director at 2:00am saying he had a disagreement & that he quit. Hindsight is wonderful, I mean, if I hadn’t listened to this new guy bitch about the company that I was enjoying working for, for the last three hours & if I was more drunk or even perhaps more sober, I would have got him to come back inside & just go to bed in the spare room, talk it over in the morning? If I had of known I’d be the one thrown under the bus, I would have done things a lot differently.

My boss calls me Saturday morning & I run through what happened, briefly & not trying to make a big deal about it, I didn’t do anything wrong – did I? I decide to message Trainer & say that I hope his head doesn’t hurt too much & that he’s ok, but he never reads it. Late in the afternoon, my boss messages me to tell me that Trainer is going to go on the planned business trip on Monday & that he would be reporting to him & that I am not to contact him. I say no worries.

I should also say that this whole week with my boss here, he has be singing my praises etc, when I had the quarterly performance review with my other manager, he said he wanted me on his team full time, that he was really impressed with my initiative & that it’s rare for someone to meet their budget within the first 3 months, but I was doing really well. I had no reason to be worried, I finally feel like I fit in & I feel like this industry is where I have found a passion.

Now having said that, there were lots of red flags with the company too, but like any job, when you’re in the “in crowd” or you’re dating someone ‘you really like’, you sort of turn a blind eye to things. You don’t think about the fact you gave up your Mothers Day to pick someone up from the airport and take them somewhere. You don’t think about the lack of support when you had to fire someone, even the Director of the other part of the company – I had someone online & that was it. You don’t think about the time you fell over at home & dislocated your shoulder & didn’t take any time off at all. You don’t think about the public holidays in SA when it was a holiday in QLD and your bosses called you, you just answer, when you should have ignored it. You don’t think about the fact your dad gives up a day over Easter with you to mount some TV’s & do some other odd jobs, when you should’ve made them pay for a handyman. I always go all in with jobs & I really give everything to my work, I focus because I only have the dogs & I would rather focus on work than dropkick boys… Clearly I have poor judgement.

So Monday is a public holiday, I get a notification that Trainer has used the company Uber account to get to the airport. Well that’s good he’s gone on the work trip, that gives us a week to just reflect on what happened. My boss messages me & asks for a report about what happened Friday. I write back Tuesday morning saying lets not make a big deal out of it. I figure if Trainer went away, I don’t want to get him fired. We can be adults, besides he said multiple times that he can separate work and his personal life so when he gets back it’ll be ok, I won’t be his manager soon.

Even though there was an organisational change happening, I wasn’t looking for other jobs, but I’m not going to lie that I had a look around to see what’s out there. I would apply for things I really wanted but I wouldn’t be applying for anything and everything, I wasn’t desperate to leave but I wanted more than what this company could offer, but I wanted to get more experience for my resume in this industry also. I figured eventually either he would leave or I would, I was sure of that, I just didn’t know when. I figured once I’m in the other role full time, I won’t be in the office as much as I have been either, as I won’t be managing the staff, I’ll be out meeting with clients and probably work from home a little bit more too.

Later on Tuesday my boss texts me & asks for the report anyway, I figure that it’s going to be used to performance manage Trainer, so I word very casually & they asked for the messages, so I sent them also. Again, I figure that if you read those messages, anyone can see that I didn’t invite this interaction, besides allowing him to come to my house. I’m not saying I’m innocent – not at all & I am sort of expecting a written warning or something, even though my boss basically said it was ok that morning. So I hit send on this casual report – kicking myself I didn’t keep a copy.

On the way home Tuesday, I get a work email, which I don’t look at because I am driving, when I get home I look at my phone but my emails are asking for my password. I put it in but it says it’s incorrect. I look it up & try a few more times. Incorrect. I have taken to leaving my work computer at the office, sick of working for hours when I get home only to be demoted, so I fire up my personal computer & log on to the company schedule, which is a web based program & it works but my emails still don’t on my phone. Weird, but I figure I’ll just get IT to look at it in the morning, perhaps because it’s my personal phone it’s been logged out or something. There is always IT crap going on at this workplace.

It’s almost an hour drive to work everyday, which starting at 7:30 am everyday, has been taking it’s toll. It’s exactly 7:30am when my phone rings, I am driving, I answer on the steering wheel, it’s my boss, I am instantly suspicious when I realise he’s using my personal number. He says hello & say’s he just going to connect HR. I know what this means… They advise me that they are not going ahead with my probation & I say “Are you serious?” They say yes & because I am caught so off guard I start to fight for my job, even the other part that I am going to be doing full time soon. I ask if it’s about what happened Friday, they say no, I ask what is the reason & the HR lady – who is also an owner just snaps “#IBD4U, what happened Friday was inappropriate, but your not the right fit for the company & your probation has ended.” I hang up. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I am driving! To work! Is that the most inappropriate way to fire someone?! At least make a meeting with me when I arrive. Or why didn’t they do it last night when they clearly shut off my emails? I think about pulling over, leaving the key in the car on the side of the road & walking away. But I don’t want to be charged some fee by them, so I am less than a minute away from the office, I pull into the work carpark & see the receptionist on her mobile outside, they are telling her. I walk in, advise the staff I have been fired & pack up what is left of my desk, trying to remember what is mine & not to leave anything behind. The staff are all seemingly very surprised & I catch an uber home on their dime. I am so shocked.

I think what fucks me off the most is there is no feedback, like I asked if this was because of Friday & they say no. They won’t elaborate as to why, so my overthinking brain just goes into every scenario. I am also so disappointed that if there were problems/issues or concerns with my performance, why hadn’t they addressed it & had meetings with me so I knew what I was doing wrong & could change my management style? I’d been there five months & had not had one negative thing said to me from my management, I had not had a manager come to SA to support me being they knew this role & managing people would be something I would need developing and support.

Instead they just tell me over & over again that I am doing well & then fire me for what? I guess I will never know why, just like the previous job who did the exact same thing. The previous company, unclear what they want when employing me, then getting annoyed when I don’t hit the unachievable targets. I think this company were unsure what they wanted in SA, obviously as they employed me for one thing, then gave me two jobs to do, then they saw an opportunity to restructure when people left the organisation. I wasn’t the only one demoted, my counterpart in QLD was demoted also, so I highly doubt he’ll stick around, however neither of us got an opportunity to apply for the new national role & the job ad was not at all what they told me they were looking for.

& lets not forget Trainer… He is still working there to this day! He was the inappropriate one, he told me he wanted to kiss me at the fucking office… How is he still working there?! I did sort of expect to hear from him when he got back from his trip. But it is obvious that he threw me under the bus, while I was trying to save him, otherwise both of us would have been fired. I guess they need the lackies more than they need management, so I would say he’s on borrowed time, or honestly, a company that is owned by women is the most sexist company I have ever worked for…

What do you think? Do you think I was fired because I let a staff member come to my house?

#IBD4U

I haven’t posted in a while & you will see that I no longer have Facebook as my personal account was hacked so I can’t access the #IBD4U page & can’t contact Facebook to help because they never reply! I guess that also nothing has been happening really, I have put 100% of my efforts into my career which, lets face it, hasn’t really gone well in the last few years.

I am working as a senior manager in a small organisation with no one really above me in my state, they’re all interstate so I like that I am totally in charge – however this comes with people yelling – yes yelling at me daily, when I start at 7:30am, I am pulled aside for a “can I talk to you?” chat, which ends up with me staring blankly at them while they babble on & I just ignore what they are saying because they are just upset that I am their manager & they think I don’t have the experience to do this job.

I recruit people & a guy gets employed – he is my age & not hot but cute, we have good banter, the team finally starts to look solid. But I have a dipstick in the team who is bringing everyone down so my manager comes to visit for a week. During this week, they’re supposed to end this woman’s contract, sort out this dipstick (who ends up resigning on the Wednesday) & unbeknownst to me, it’s also a week to tell me that there is a restructure taking place, I do a split role & they basically demote me to the lesser role for the same pay. I guess that’s a silver lining in all this. But I am disappointed & it’s not the job I applied for & when I was offered the job, they decided it would be this dual role & I would decide which one I wanted when it came time to split it. Great… So I am stuck doing the same job I have done for years & be a dibber dobber to the new manager. I don’t even know what to do at this point.

The morning my manager is leaving, there is a client who chats to me & my admin support is always trying to set me up so she says that’s he’s good looking etc, I say that I am not going to date a client & my manager from interstate pipes in about how it’s not frowned upon & then they start talking about inter office dating – that pretty much everyone in head office is married to someone from head office that it’s not a problem. So there’s lots of banter & jokes, it’s a fun office to be in.

Once I drop him at the airport, my moodiness lifts, I am happy the dipstick has quit this week & I know that things will be better at our site, except they didn’t get rid of the woman like they were supposed too. I am helping the new guy with some stuff, even though he really should be helping the other staff with their work – which is what he is rostered to do. But we have some jokes & banter throughout the day.

Now I’m not going to lie, because upon reflection it was quite a flirty day, however that wasn’t my intention, you all know, if you’re a long time reader that I have no flirt game & I have no idea when someone is flirting with me. I saw it as a bit of cheeky banter, but I certainly wasn’t giving off any sort of vibes that I am interested in this guy. There were not innocent touches or anything, it was genuinely all about work.

It’s at the end of the week, I was hoping we’d get out of there around 3:00pm, but there are still clients there at 4:00pm, once they leave I go to the fridge. I have brought in a ‘light’ beer for each (1 standard drink) which we cracked open to celebrate the week. It’s been a big week. As the 3 of us are leaving, the women says “lets go to the pub for a beer.” I knew this wasn’t a good idea as there is drama with this woman, she’s asking me constantly about her contract which fucks me off that my manager didn’t deal with it, so luckily I had a lash client at 6:00pm. So I said no & went home. I assumed they would do the same.

At 6:15 pm, I get a message from him with a picture of him & her having a beer at a pub, asking me how my lashes are going, I laugh at it once I am done & he writes, ” I hear we are having beers together tomorrow just us two.” I figure it’s her writing for him so I just say, “Oh are we now…?” with a smiley face, he replies “So you weren’t flirting with each other today?” The conjugation of the sentence to me is like someone else is writing for him, just as I suspected so I write back telling her to give him his phone back. I even message the admin chick because I think she’s with with them too or they’re messaging her & this is just a joke that I will end up feeling like a twat about when he says, nah just kidding.

But it’s real. He says that I should ask him something that only he would know from the day to prove it – I can’t think of anything that would be obvious so I take a while to reply when I get, “Or am I wrong?” Stupidly I don’t know if he is right or wrong, I mean I didn’t think I was flirting or leading him to believe it was more than work banter. I do enjoy cheeky banter with men, I just don’t think it means anything, he said at one point during the day that he was ‘happily single.’ So I ask what I did to make him think I was flirting but he says “Am I wrong? I’ll be honest, I’d be keen.” Ummm… FUCK!

I ask how he sees this going down being I am his boss – because I also don’t just want a fling, I am not looking for anything at all, but I certainly don’t want a fling with a staff member when I have a fucking tiny team. He says “I don’t know how to say it but work and my personal like is separate.” I ask him how many beers he’s had now, “Beers are irrelevant when I wanted to kiss you at 2 this arvo.” DOUBLE FUCK, this is on my work number!

I am not opposed this, but I hadn’t thought about it, I mean I am not going to be his direct manager soon after the restructure in a couple of weeks, so maybe this could be something? We already know each other so that awkwardness is out of the way. Perhaps I should say ‘text me in the morning if you still feel the same way & we’ll catch up’ – yes why don’t I say that? Instead, I think that I should swap to my personal number, because I don’t want this conversation on my work phone…

I send a message from my personal number, “Ok, so while I am not saying yes or no, this convo probs isn’t good on my work number… What did I even do to make you want to kiss me??” I am genuinely intrigued, what the fuck did I do? I was literally helping him with work crap & there was a bit of banter, but nothing that I would think was sexy or cute really… I pretty much look like shit every day, I am stressed to the max & always rushing around.

“To give me your personal number, I think it means you want to as well. I’m happy to say I’m wrong but I don’t think I am.” How can guys be so sure?! Half the time I don’t even think my friends like me, how do guys even pick up that I am giving off vibes?! I just tell him that I don’t want work to be able to read my texts where a staff member tells me he wants to kiss me… “So I’m wrong then?” I don’t reply, is he wrong? “If I’m wrong, I don’t know how to say sorry enough and I will stop with it all.” Fuck, is he wrong? Or am I at least a little interested? “Well, you’re not right or wrong…”

He asks if I am worried about work & says that’ he’s capable of separating them if I can, then he asks “So you just want playful flirting at work?” but I honestly hadn’t though of it as more, which is what I say to him. “So if I was to say I could be at your place in an hour to have a friendly drink, what would you say?” Fuck what would I say? I know in my head it’s not a good idea, I know I should say that we should catch up tomorrow when he is sober. Coming to my house isn’t a wise move. But honestly he’s a level headed guy, what could do wrong?

I respond when he says that he’ll get an uber “An uber?! that does not imply a friendly drink” which he says “A drink doesn’t imply sex” um… “Who said anything about sex?” He says no one & that he’ll get some better beers that what I brought to work & that he’ll be on his way. He calls me, he doesn’t sound horribly drunk, so this is a good sign. But he starts to tell me what my problem is at work – that I came in as the manager too strong – making too many changes, I knew that this would be the line from the lady he went out with, but honestly I moved furniture around & labelled some folders, like are you serious woman?!

When we chat on the phone, he tells me that he was going to kiss me at the office today & he had this inner monologue going on about if he should kiss me or not. It was kinda cute to hear a guy explain what he was thinking, ‘should I kiss her, what will she do? Will she kiss me back? Does she want this or not?’ but obviously he didn’t kiss me, he asks what I would have done if he did & I tell him that I probably would have pushed him away…

But somehow the convo puts my mind at ease & I think that it will be ok if he comes over, what harm can it do, he can put his personal & work life aside, I won’t be his manager soon. I should have listened to the voice in my head that said meet him tomorrow for a drink, when he’s sober & you can dress up in something cute – we can start a proper relationship, not just a booty call at 10:00 pm. But I am typing out my address & he says it’ll be $60 to my house & he’ll be there about 9:45 pm.

I assume while waiting for his uber he sends “Some poor misses picked her bloke up and had to wait 20 minutes and then copped abuse. Guys are fucked up.” I agree & then, like some sort of fuckwit, I proceed to strip my bed & put new sheets on, fix my makeup, put on cute undies & bra, then tidy up but not too much so I don’t look ‘too clean’ as Noodle once told me!

He walks in the door with beers almost falling out of his arms, his work computer & jacket, I ask why he brought all that crap & he said that he didn’t want it all in the car overnight at the pub. Which I guess is a good idea, but his jacket? So random. He just said he grabbed stuff. So we sit down on the couch once we both have drinks, I am thankful that one of the dogs is sitting between us, he looks super drunk, like his eyes are glassy. This isn’t a good idea. He doesn’t sound that drunk, but it doesn’t take long for him to get there.

As he’s new to the organisation he doesn’t know a lot of the things that have been going on, so going out with this woman for beers & listening to her & for lack of a better word – takes her side, he rambles on & on about work. As his boss, I’m in a rock & a hard place where I try to explain that she’s not the best informant to listen too but also that she’s almost 100% behind all the drama since I have been there. He never sees my point of view on this.

He tries to kiss me at one point, but I don’t really allow it to happen, not only am I sitting on the couch, with a giant dog on my lap, he is standing over us which is just not a kiss sort of scenario to me. He tries again later but the same response from me, I mean there were times we were both standing up where he could’ve hugged me, when we were outside or in the kitchen, making the moment a bit more romantic, leading up to a kiss. I mean if I kissed him back, where would we have gone, I would’ve had to awkwardly stand up or him somehow sit down… I dunno, it just wasn’t right.

At one point, I stupidly tell him though & I 100% own this dumb decision but I would have told him sober too, that he wasn’t my first choice when we were recruiting but I am happy we did because he will do really well. I explain why & it was only because he was brought in by a director who keeps undermining me with every decision I make. I didn’t want to recruit another person who is best mates with this director. I also stupidly tell him that he earns more than me & I am his boss – yes don’t even get started on that topic!

This is where it takes a turn, or perhaps he’s more drunk than he should be & perhaps, I should just say go home or lets just go to sleep. But he goes on a rant about some feedback that he got from someone & I try to explain why the feedback wasn’t bad & calm him down, but he is standing & pacing while not backing down or even listening to what I am saying. To be honest it’s the first time I have really talked all night because I have been listening to him tell me all the crap the woman told him at drinks after work. Shit I knew & replies that I couldn’t really tell him because of what has been happening in the background.

There is a point in a rant from anyone – I know I have been drunk ranty before & it’s one of the reasons I don’t drink much any more – where you just don’t listen & the other person snaps because they are fucking over listening. I’ve had a couple of wines, but I am no where near drunk – I wouldn’t drive but I am not drunk & I am so fucking over listening to this bullshit about the feedback, I’ve tried to say my side but he’s not having a bar of it, that I snap & turn away, “I am fucking done with this conversation.” He seems to get it & sits down, but then keeps saying things about this feedback, I tell him again I am done with this conversation & he says “Should I get an Uber home?” I don’t really remember answering but I get up & turn off the heater & switching off lights. My actions say that, that would be best!

This is when the true colours show. Yes I am pissed off – this was supposed to be a friendly drink. He tells me I am depressed & that he’s gotten more excitement out of my dogs than me… WHAT?! I hit record on my phone because I don’t know what the fuck is happening or what will happen, he tells me that the whole night I’ve been sad & that work has fucked me over, that he understands that… Ok mate, we’ll you’ve come to my house after 10:00 pm, it’s now almost 2:00 am & you’re drunk, dribbling shit about work without letting me talk.

But he tells me that they should treat me with respect & that he has treated me with respect, that I deserve more than what they are paying me. I clearly can’t get my words out because I stutter trying to tell him that I’m depressed because I have sat here listening to him all night – trying to be his manager & listen but also not being able to get him to listen to me. He says that he can’t deal with the crying, I ask who is crying? (Because it sure isn’t me!) He tells me it was the woman he went out for drinks with, I ask how that is my problem?

I tell him that I didn’t invite him over, which he says that I did & he wouldn’t have spent $60 to get here. Well I didn’t invite him, he invited himself, yes I didn’t say no & obviously gave him my address, but this wasn’t my idea. I offer him the money for the uber. I am so annoyed, I tell him that he’s the one who messaged me to tell me he wanted to kiss me at 2:00 pm, but I don’t know what I did to make him think he could kiss me. He says “All right, I’ll message & say I won’t be in on Monday.” My jaw fucking drops, are you kidding me right now?

He’s fucking standing in my dining room at 2:00 am quitting?! What because I didn’t fuck him? He says that he’s done & I say because I didn’t fuck you tonight, you’re quitting? He says (this is a transcript from the video) “No it had nothing to do with that, you damn well know that, I tried to kiss you & you had no real interest so I never tried again & you damn well know that, okay. I could’ve kept doing this, my hands could’ve gone somewhere, but I never did, okay, I was an absolute gentleman the whole fucking night. Okay.” I say “So you’re quitting because I didn’t reciprocate your gentlemanly ways by kissing you back?” He says that here’s his jacket & his work laptop & piss farts around with his stuff.

Maybe I should’ve shut the fuck up & let him walk out but I am so fucking dumbfounded by what is happening so I say “Are you seriously saying to me right now, in my home, that you’re quitting because I didn’t sleep with you?” & he says “You know what, I just can’t deal with the bullshit.” What bullshit? Honestly… He’s had to deal with none, he’s been there like a month. I say “So because you acted like a gentleman & I didn’t sleep with you…” He cuts me off, saying “no” which I snap back, “They were your words just now.” He says “Okay, no worries, I’m gonna take them all,” as he picks up his laptop & jacket “So then that way me & you can have a conversation in front of everyone & I don’t get accused of rape.” OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT…

My voice is so angry when I hear my reply in the audio, but I can’t help it, this whole night was a disaster & I should’ve known better… “You’re not going to get accused of rape, I have cameras, so you’re not going to get accused of rape mate. I never said you’re going to get accused of rape.” He says “No worries” & walks out the door. I lock the door & ignore his message to get his cigarettes off the back table.

To reiterate his earlier message “Guys are fucked up!”

#IBD4U

While not much has happened in the last few months, beside my Facebook account being hacked & deleted, therefore losing access to my #IBD4U Facebook page as I had no backup or other admins on it, thinking this would never happen to me! Who wants my shitty Facebook account?! Anyway I can’t get it back despite multiple attempts to contact FB. So the only way to follow now is via the website on WordPress. So head on over to www.ivebeendatingforyou.com & please subscribe though there for the semi regular posts that I’ve been posting. This also includes the e-books, which make it easier to read the posts as they are released.

Now, on to a few stories, that aren’t worth their own post because they aren’t long, but follow on from Update & Update #2.

Neighbour: Well this is a new story, I haven’t ever written about this guy because to be honest he’s always been a bit creepy & quiet so I just wave to him & his wife whenever I’m out the front & they are too. Nothing exciting, right?

So this neighbour across the road who gave me his number in my letterbox to ask if I needed help moving my pergola that was delivered for my reno a while back. I messaged him & no, it’s up to the contractor to keep it safe but thanks for the offer… Since then he’s messaged to ask about a dog sitter for August – um ok (it was about January at this stage)!

One day, months later, we’ve have a few text exchanges but nothing worth writing about, I am out the front painting my driveway & I get a message from him, which I look at on my watch. He says that he’s sorry he didn’t wave to me when he was out the front too but he’s shy but asks if I’d like to go out for a coffee. He also says it’s creepy that he is messaging me when I am only 100 feet away from him… For fuck sake!! Yes it is creepy & I don’t want to go out for coffee with him. He was a wife/partner whatever, I am not getting involved with another married man again. Besides, I am not interested. Fuck off… Where are the single men?

Since then he messaged me “hey lady” urgh, I shudder… So gross… & talks about our horrible neighbours who I’m now fighting in court with the payment of the fences. Telling me they have a horrible dog staying there & someone in a caravan… Well I guess I do live in a shitty suburb in Adelaide. Can’t ask for much more than trash.

So he now follows me on tiktok, which is only posts of my dogs really, but he was looking at my profile almost everyday before he clicked follow. He usually likes every post too, so not sure how I feel about that, but oh well. He’s fairly harmless I guess…

Disabled Neighbour: I’m surprised I haven’t written about this guy to be honest. This guy lives a few houses away & right on the corner of the road that gets you out of my area, so there is no need, absolutely no need to drive past my house. But he does every single day, multiple times a day. So ages ago he put his business card in my letter box to mow my lawns. Then he’s popped by to ask to mow my lawns which I declined because I found another guy & thought it was weird that he only targeted me to mow my lawns, which aren’t even that bad, so was like he was trolling the neighbourhood for jobs. Mine was no worse than anyone else in the neighbourhood that he didn’t ask. When he was asking to mow my lawns he told me he’d had a car accident & had a brain injury – not sure if that was a ploy to get me to feel sorry for him but there is something off about this guy & I don’t want him mowing my lawns & in my backyard alone. He’s still driving and functioning so clearly it’s not that bad of a brain injury & he’s just giving off creepy vibe. He has a wife/partner & two little kids. I’m 100% not feeling good with this guy.

One day I pull in the driveway & am walking inside when he drives past. Nothing special about that except as I am getting the dogs fed and sorting out stuff, there is a knock at the door. Flustered I run to the door & it’s this guy asking if I need my lawns mowed, which I say no I don’t. He asks if I am single, which I stupidly say yes, just me & the dogs. He then tells me that I am “really beautiful” & asks me out for a coffee. I politely decline & he leaves easier than I expect him too. He now just waves when I drive past – because he is ALWAYS in his car or out the front of his house which is weird. So I haven’t had this guy come back thank god, but when I am out the front working on the weekends, he will drive past, do a u-turn & drive back past – which is fucking creepy!

Why do my neighbours haven’t to be so creepy, both asking my out for coffee, this is my forever home, I do not want to have to move because I am not safe here!

M8: This guy got a total of 6 posts M8 #2, M8 #3, M8 #4, M8 #5 & M8 #6. But when you think about it, nothing really happened with him, I mean we had mediocre sex twice and that was kinda it. I will openly admit that I thought this guy was different & I let my guard down very quickly with him, just enjoying spending time with him when he was doing work at my house. Because of the things he was saying to our mutual friend, that this guy was seriously interested in me & wanted to actually date me! How stupid I was… This is why I never let my guard down! But anyway since then, he’s still got me on snapchat & every now & then we message, he has asked multiple times if I would sleep with him again, which I just am flirty with him but it never happens, I don’t really want it because I did actually have an attraction to this guy. He posts snaps of the desert so I assume he’s working away again, so I never try to catch up with him.

So after the second time we slept together, I don’t see him again, which I am ok with, I don’t know that it’s wise with this one anyway, I did like him & he played me – more than I’ve been played before. Shortly after, maybe a few months after we saw each other, I find out though our mutual friend that his 18 year old (she’s probably 20 or 21 by now) baby mumma is pregnant again with his fifth kid, second one with her. I don’t engage much with him, but I do chat with him on snapchat sporadically. He comments on my posts & sometimes sends me a picture of a animal that’s become my icon, I guess. It might be a licence plate with the words or a real one or even just something he saw – which is what I love about having an icon because anyone who knows what it is, can’t look at one & not think of me!

Anyway I don’t engage in the catch up talk, I always say that it’s open or something like that, which I am almost certain, is what he wants, just to know that I am an option for him if he wants it. I’m not sure but I guess its obvious because every time he’s home, I never get massages from him. It’s all good, I don’t think I would bother catching up with him anyway!

I guess that’s what I get…

#IBD4U

I usually write as things happen & post in retrospectively, because nothing is happening, my life is pretty boring, here is a recent story. My life consists of work, sleep, eat, repeat. There is no real dating or talking to new men – old ones keep popping up, but there’s no new juicy stories, nothing exciting has been happening. So the other Saturday night, 9 March, I am in bed with the dogs when I get a text message at 10:15pm saying “Hey hey how you doing whats going on tonight??” I think about what I should reply, I don’t have the number saved in my phone. I am in a sassy mood, so not about to stuff around with a reply that tells them that I am good and apologises for not having their number in my phone etc, so I just say “Who is this?” They reply “Ahhh Creep lol” Righto, so he actually says his name, which is slightly obscure so I think, who the fuck is this?

My sass makes me reply “And who do you think I am?”  as I don’t know anyone with that name, I can’t even remember a time I have met anyone with that name or have heard anyone talk about someone with that name. When he replies “Honestly I have no idea whos number this is I’m just board and trying to do anything other than think about my ex haha” then I get “I apologise” Jeez mate, let it all out!

“Oh awesome… It’s just what every woman wants – to be a rebound for someone hung up on their ex.” Like I cannot wait to be yet another option for a guy, who will probably just go back to their ex in the end anyway! He replies with 3 messages “Hahaha yeah dream boat. Lol. On the plus side you are a woman haha.” This can’t be a random wrong number or a random ‘I typed numbers in my phone & just happened to get someone of the opposite sex.’ I think this is bullshit. This person knows who I am & is backing away because I don’t know who they are… “And I was just sitting here at 10:25pm thinking I’m looking for a red flag… Well you found me.” I get a quick succession of texts back “Hahaha. Are you busy? At 10:25. Lol. I’m sorry for bothering you.” Like why say that if you clearly started me messaging me late at night, when you probably know who I am & seemingly hoping for a booty call. 10 minutes later when I haven’t replied, I get a topless torso picture followed by “This is me lol might aswell make a real jack ass of my self lol” OMG. He’s a white slim guy with defined pecs that are a little hairy. My first reaction is that I don’t remember this person – so I haven’t fucked him before. I also inspect the background which isn’t much, he’s taking up most of the photo however I can sort of tell he’s in a bathroom & it may be that there are kids toys in the bath. It’s very hard to tell. Is this another married guy? Or seemingly recently separated?

“ok can I be honest with you because YOLO??” Oh here we go, I actually reply ‘sure’ & he asks if I am single because if not he’ll leave me alone, no dramas at all. I tell him that I am single & he says cool. OMG, this guy is annoying. I ask “So what do you have to be honest about??” because clearly he isn’t going to offer up this information now. “I’ve met you before and think your cute but have not been single until recently…” As if we didn’t see that coming, that this guy knows who I am… But where the fuck from?! I never give out my number! “Where?” I do not know anyone with his name, “We’ve met only very briefly. Though a friend of mine.” Even more unbelievable because I haven’t been out in forever & I haven’t been introduced to anyone recently through a friend. “And I gave you my number??” because I know for a fucking fact that I did not give my number out… When he says that he asked for my number, I don’t even think about this guy that I met a few weeks back at my work drinks – I barely spoke to the guy but the next day my boss says something about his mate asking him for my number. My boss said he was a bit of a player, so he said if he was a nice guy he would’ve but I said he was probably too young for me anyway. I didn’t even remember that till I started writing this post so it can’t be that guy, but that’s the only ‘friend of a friend’ meeting that I’ve had in forever, like years. So I ask where & he says though work. I ask where, but I started a new job & have been using my personal number until I asked for a work number, but this is my personal number not work number & I don’t recall a friend introducing me to someone though work… WHAT? Is it though a friend or work? “I’m overstepping boundaries id say. Lol” Yeah I’ll say, because you’re being evasive & creepy. I ask where again & he says “I done some work at your place a while back… Like I said yolo.” Ummmm… WTF!

Firstly, my reno finished almost a year ago, I haven’t had tradies at my house in a long time. Most of the guys who did work for me that would have my number are saved in my phone because I was contacting them a lot at the time, except for those who worked for someone/company. So why isn’t this guy in my phone?! How did he get my number if I didn’t give it to him… I mentally go through all the tradies who worked here thinking who it could be, a few who did work here, I didn’t have their numbers because they weren’t the main contact of the job… So clearly this guy isn’t a company owner.

I ask what work to narrow it down & I get “lol I’m really not sure I should say” Well that’s even more fucking creepy, what type of fuckwit says at 11:09pm that they’ve been to your house & won’t tell you who they are? WHAT A FUCKING CREEP. I can’t help but think, is this guy out the front of my house right now texting me? I just get that vibe (& doesn’t help that all my tiktoks on my FYP are 911 calls.) so I check my front camera to see if there is anyone out there, I would fucking freak if there was, but there wasn’t. So lets just relax & probe this guy for an answer.

“Can I just say construction works… are you mad cos if so I’m really sorry.” Um, I’m not mad, but I’m fucking freaked out… What is wrong with this person? Did he really do work at my house? Seems a bit to much of a coincidence to not be true. “Either you did work at my house or you didn’t…  What work?” This is just pissing me off. “I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t have done this.” I bet this is just late night drunk, rebound texting but it’s fucking creepy. “Yeah particularly if your not going to say, you’re just a creep now.” It’s making me uncomfortable, I keep checking my camera, is this guy just going to rock up?

“That’s fair…worse case you tell my company and I lose my job… should I say??.. I guess I’ve come this far id prefer you know so at least you know who this creep is…” hmmm “i’m not a creep just saying lol. Ok so like I said I only met you very briefly.” I just send back the hand smacking the head emoji because he’s already said that shit… Why can’t he just say, clearly he’s just gone through the work computer & found my details… So many things wrong with that, first it’s been a year since I had work done, so did he get it back then or has been though the computer to find it? How long has he had it? I must’ve made an impression to get a message a year later & risk losing his job over. It’s not like he found me on facebook or found me Instagram or even tiktok, he’s actually got my number. So perhaps the owner gave it to him? I mean I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that either – the fact someone I gave my number as a customer, its such a breech of privacy. However, if his boss gave him my number, then he woudn’t be worried about me telling his company, right?

“Ok ok im sorry so id see you when doing concreting at your place I asked my mate for your number you, you seemed nice and I thought you looked good in your gym gear… I apologise” Rightio, that was the biggest job with the most number of tradies here! So that doesn’t narrow it down much, probably to about 20 guys, however they were all mainly Filipino as the owner is Filipino. This guy is white, so that narrows it down a bit further, but I only really dealt with the owner, I don’t really remember talking to anyone else & definitely don’t remember any of their faces! Also does he mean ‘his mate’ as in his boss, because the owner of that company is the only one I think I gave my number too. But then why is he scared I’ll tell the company & get him fired?!

I tell him I have no idea who he is as there were so many concreters here during that time. “hahaha fair call. I was the handsome one” I actually laugh out loud at that, I mean that’s pretty funny. “Are you going to tell my boss??” Um, should I?? “I can show my face but I don’t think you will remember me. We met very briefly.” I get a picture of his face, he’s a bit of a wranger & looks about 25-30 years old, “u would not remember me lol.” So thinking back, there was a bit of a older guy who was a wranger that was sort of more in charge than the others, I talked with him a little but don’t really remember. That guy wore a legionnaire hat, seemed a bit straight laced, not at all the type to send a shirtless picture to a random. Is this the same guy?!

I also need to go back to the gym clothes comment, because I didn’t know what work he was doing, I couldn’t work out when he would have seen me in gym clothes, because not a lot of the tradies worked weekends or late nights, so I can’t even think when I would be in gym gear during the day? In fact most mornings they rocked up, I was in my fucking oodie & uggs!! So I really don’t know how or when he would’ve seen me in gym gear… & why do guys love gym gear so much?

As I am not really attracted to his face – perhaps because of the creepy way he’s gone about getting my number, because I sure are shit didn’t give it to him & the way he’s revealed what he did at my house, being so coy & evasive about it, paired with my sassy mood, I tell him that I don’t remember him because I had tradies coming & going for about a year. I am about to tell him that I am too old for him/he’s too young for me, which would probably cue the ‘older women are hot’ type comments, but it’ll get me out of this easier… But before I can, he writes “hahaha. Would you like to get to know each other im 39. It’s late now but I mean in general. That’s ok if not.” Yeah it’s 12:23am mate, certainly not now & I hate myself that I got invested in this! “Get over your ex. Be single. Then you can text randoms you do work for.” Fuck I’m in a bitchy mood! Hahaha… But seriously, when am I going to get an emotionally available guy, not just the crumbs of a man still hung up on his ex? “haha that’s good advice.. not something I’ve done before..i’ve not been single in so long.. all good thx for entertaining my stupidity lol”  I don’t know if I should write back, I probably should leave it but I don’t, somehow I choose me & have some self-esteem, like it or not, but I say “I’m not a rebound. I’m the main event. So best sort yourself out.”  Honestly, I am sick of being treated like this by men, usually I would have kept trying to text him & probably would have tried to meet up with him, only to have him go back to his ex anyway, just as I get attached.

“Oh sorry I’m a dick…you are for sure the main event like I said I seen your gym gear haha and you got it going on house wise nice place dogs etc… I’m for sure trying to self out I don’t have a lot of friends due to ex.. I like you honest short sweet advice…” Um… Are you feeling more creeped out after that message like me? “It’s very late.. think about having a coffee sometime with me I’d really like some one to talk to and I’d like to get to know the main event.”  Yeah I don’t know how I feel about that, but I certainly don’t feel good… I put my phone down & go to sleep, it is almost 1:00am after all…

The next morning, I wake up & look at his messages, I am still in a sass – this whole interaction was not flattering, this is just fucking weird… I also have the fleeting thought, that he’s seemingly lost everything with his ex & knows I have a nice house, is he after my money?! (Well actually my debt because I have no money!) It would be very different if we had a flirty interaction when I supposedly met him & then he got my number from his boss or whatever, text me being upfront about how we met & how he got my number. But I don’t remember even talking to this guy & he’s invaded my privacy getting my number from work, he’s lied (not the first guy ever to lie to me!) but then his super creepy way of telling me who he is, making me actually a little paranoid being he knows when I live… The whole interaction has made me feel uncomfortable. I mean I know I am not safe in my forever home due to other factors that are my own fault, as you may know if you’re a long time reader, but this just adds to it.

I decide to write back to be the ultimate bitch & get rid of him “I’m not a counsellor.”  I don’t want to get to know someone so he has someone to talk to about his ex. Fuck off… I cannot stand the ex talk, especially from someone you don’t know. I also don’t want to be contacted because he’s got no friends & needs someone to talk too. Get on tinder dude & find someone, this is honestly they oddest way to make friends. “Hay the morning after the night before..yeah totally get it haha. I’d pay for your sessions haha…” Um What the actual fuck? “Sorry not funny I know.”  I don’t write back to those messages & that’s seemingly the end. It was not funny. I am not amused.

Ironically telling some friends about this story & a couple of them, I think one was my mum, said that this guy stuck his neck out to find me, a year later, that I should be flattered & give him a go. Really?! Like really?! I just don’t see it the same way… Maybe I’ve been listening to too many 911 calls on tiktok to believe that I will be safe with this guy & not end up buried under some concrete he lays on a daily basis… What do you think? Was I too harsh? Or was this completely as fucked up as I think it was?

#IBD4U

I never thought this guy would ever get a 4th post. I mean he has ghosted me twice when we’ve dated & when he did work for me on my house, not only did he break my hot water service, but he was wearing a wedding ring & denied being married, but afterwards he’d told me many times that he’d wanted to “push me against the wall & do what he wanted with me” & also that we’d have a very fiery relationship “when” we’re together. I always say, “yeah well, we’ll never know” but he comes back with comments like “it’ll happen” or “all in good time” either implying that we will be together in the future – I guess when he gets his second divorce or is he just dangling the carrot, in the hopes I never find someone & he can use me as a back up?

So he’s on my Facebook – which I believe is his fake account as he always takes so long to reply if he has a conversation on there – which isn’t often as he’s also on my snapchat & that’s where he talks to me the most. He also recently started following me on TikTok which is just videos of my dogs!

I’m not really sure why, but one day on Facebook, groups suggestions start popping up for me… There are groups that are basically naming & shaming men they’ve dated or are dating (Lucky this wasn’t a thing in the height of my dating career!). I joined a few, but in my opinion, I actually find just full of fucking crazy untrusting women, but I peruse them just to see if there is a guy I have ever dated in the feed, which there isn’t but I don’t go scrolling too far back because who can be bothered with that.

In my short time in the groups, women who haven’t even spoken to the guy yet – yes they just matched on whatever app, but haven’t chatted yet, post the guys picture & ask for “Any Tea?” or worse “Any ☕?” WTF! The funniest part is that they are happy to post a poor unsuspecting guys photo for everyone to analyse, but they then say “His name starts with ‘*'” Like really?! You’ve posted his fucking profile but you won’t say his name?! Are these women for real?

Can you imagine if there was an equivalent guy page & these women were posted? OMG the women’s rights quotes would be rife! There would be reports to Facebook going 100 miles per hour!

So some of these women don’t even see what is the deal with the guy before they are posting in the groups – some of them in multiple groups because they mention them & trying to get dirt on someone they haven’t even dated, or talked too. There are lots of anonymous posting & a lot of “Posting for my friend” & my favourite “How do I find my partner/husband/boyfriend?”

What’s that saying? One mans trash is another mans treasure! So what is a red flag for you, might not be for the next person… Maybe he cheated on you but won’t cheat on the next woman. Sometimes people actually grow up & with the right partner, they do change. So posting that he is a jerk or he cheated or he has mummy issues, may have been correct while you dated him, but doesn’t mean that is who he is…

Lots of people posting that a man – complete with picture but only his initial, was violent, has been to jail, has a DV history etc. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been in a DV situation, but are these women just out to get the guy in trouble because they are butt hurt he didn’t want them? Or did the guy actually do something & this is an excellent public service announcement. I may never know the answer to that, but I am not 100% sure this is appropriate.

These groups honestly make me want to scream “HOW THE FUCK AM I STILL SINGLE!”

But one group, I see Plumber (remember also known as Foodland #2!) come up, using his Facebook fake profile photo that he’s friends with me on, curious I read the post as it’s posted by an admin… It’s a ‘feel good story’ – apparently, a nice single guy who is looking for a partner & she will set it up if anyone is interested! OMFG. The girls are frothing over the photo – which is kinda out of focus & not his best pic, but they are all excited about the fact that it’s ‘a nice guy.’ Fuck these women are cooked! Everyone is posting asking for his details & I am scrolling the comments wondering if I should burst their bubble or let it go…

Clearly you know what I did because otherwise there wouldn’t be a blog post right. I message him on snapchat, “I hear your single” & then I post a comment letting them all know, as far as I know, he lied to me about being married (Maybe he’s not but what guy ‘likes’ wearing a wedding ring when not married? Happy to be proven wrong here!) I expect that I am going to be deleted for the comment or have the comment deleted because it was posted by admin after all – they can’t be proven wrong! I wasn’t rude or anything nor did I call him any names, I just said how long I’ve known him (since high school days) & that’s he’s on all my social medias, but pretty sure he’s not being 100% truthful.

Of course, like any jerk, Plumber reads my message on snapchat & doesn’t reply, then proceeds to continue to look at my daily stories & TikToks. Clearly we aren’t going to be together, like he said we would! Bahahaha… These blokes are just as cooked at the women… I think I have made the right decision just keeping to myself & the dogs!

#IBD4U

I love that time, very early on when you meet someone & they use the terms ‘we’ & ‘us’ or maybe even ‘together’ & even though you are now ADHD medicated, it doesn’t stop your brain from over thinking, so you start planning… Planning your future. Planning your meet cute. Planning your life… Your life with him.

You meet on fucking stupid snapchat & their first photo is super cute, but he’s wearing sunglasses so you can’t tell if he is actually cute or a beat under the glasses… But you chat anyway, he’s 35 from Melbourne but travels for work & is coming to Adelaide in January (It’s currently early November) but the next picture he sends, you get has serial killer vibes.. But you keep chatting as he seems mostly normal.

You chat about how inappropriate dick pics are particularly when they come at you without even so much as a hello when you add them. You chat about work & life but nothing too deep, right. You confirm single status, no kids & just a dog. Same same. He doesn’t lose his shit when you save his pictures to your chat or change the chat history to delete immediately – usually a sign of being married.

He asks if he can see you in January when he’s working in Adelaide & the cynical side of you knows that he won’t be talking to you by then, so you explain – without actually telling the random stranger about your weird rule of not messaging first – that he’ll need to put in the effort but your optimistic side, says yes you are open to it. He says that he’s looking forward to visiting in January now. You ask if he can be interested for that long & he says sure, why not, you say ok & he doesn’t reply till 11:15am the next morning with a “How is your day gorgeous lady.”

When he questions how he made the cut when you tell him that you delete people very quickly from snapchat, you explain that he didn’t send a dick pic, he was over 30 but under 50, he didn’t say he loves older women, he didn’t say you’re too far and didn’t say you look good for 42. He says you won’t get dick pics unless asked & he says he’s not that much younger than you so he puts your mind at ease.

He replies to all your stories, telling you how cute you are or how amazing your dogs are. He sends picture after picture of his ‘movember’ moustache & one where he has a very cute smile that you tell him he’s cute… He’s putting in effort, so maybe this guy is different, I mean it only takes one guy to be different than all the rest, right? & so you find yourself actually starting to put in some effort too.

Now of course it’s only about day 2, maybe 3 of chatting semi regularly with this guy, but because you add 50+ randoms a day, you decide to pin his conversation to the top. He sits there proudly, at the top of your list so you can see when he’s opened it & see when he’s replying without getting lost in the pool of douches…

This is the time where butterflies fly around your tummy when he messages you – well maybe not quite butterflies, but you like seeing his name pop up that he’s typing & that he’s sent a chat… It’s exciting & makes you start thinking perhaps he could move to Adelaide since he’ll be here for work then & perhaps could be based here. Or you think that since you’re looking for a new job role that you could move to Melbourne.

Obviously men come & go so quickly from snapchat random adds so you never get a chance in your anti social world to tell anyone about this one. But one night you’re with a client, this one not really a true friend (yet) is over & you tell her that you’ve been messaging him most of the day, he’s sent a gym pic & it’s going well.

She tells you that she didn’t last long adding the randoms on snapchat after I told her I was & so you share some stories with her. You bring up J-Licious & tell her about him & that you’re keen to meet him & when you’re done with her lashes, you show her a pic & she agrees that he’s cute. You tell her you’re a bit worried since you’ve been talking about work that you’re coming across negative (this was right before they fired me!) so you make sure you lighten the work search conversation when you reply to his last message.

That night, yes that very same night. He only sends about two messages – about finding you a job at his work (as he says your eyes should get you a job with no problem & that he’d hire you in a heartbeat) & then doesn’t read your reply all evening. That’s ok, he’s been on night shift maybe he went to bed early. However in the morning for some fucked reason you wake up at 5:00am & check that he hasn’t seen your message or replied. He hasn’t looked at your story either.

But something inside you knows… Something isn’t right. A couple of hours more of insomnia & your alarm goes off, you look back at your snapchat & he hasn’t opened your message but he’s looked at your story… Hmmmm. Ok. You click on the chat with him, for what reason you don’t know. But when you click out of it, it says opened 22 minutes ago. What the actual fuck.

Ok so you don’t want to jump to conclusions here but what could have possibly changed in 12 hours to leave you on read. It’s uncharacteristic for him – even if you have only been chatting a couple of days…

You understand that he’s probably adding profile after profile, afterall he did add you as a random. But he’s suggested chatting for the next two months with the possibility of stealing a kiss – yes you heard him say that. So even if he is talking to other women, unless they went exclusive overnight, then surely he would keep dangling the carrot. Not that you want the carrot dangled. But you want to understand what happens in this scenario.

As you write him off for looking at your story & not messaging you for hours, he messages & asks how you are. You say you’re good & ask how he is, he says good & then you don’t reply because what are you going to reply, clearly this guy doesn’t want to chat to you. Later when you post a story he replies & then when you chat a bit, he says that he still wants to kiss you. You tell him that he doesn’t seem interested because he hasn’t chatted, but he says that he thinks you’re not interested. You wonder what the fuck you’re doing to make guys think that you’re not interested in them.

One night it’s his Christmas party so you don’t hear from him, which is fine, you understand he is out but think you might get some drunken messages. But you don’t. The next day though you get some hung over horny messages which include pictures, not of his dick but him pulling down his pants, you guess this is a test for you to beg for a photo, which you don’t. He sends a full dick pic after you had just reexplained that you didn’t want to send naughty pics because you don’t want to be “that girl,” knowing that once you send some pics, he’ll lose interest also – considering you still have two months before you’re going to be in the same state. You don’t really reply to those messages and he apologises for being hung over and horny.

You do recover from these weird conversations & you continue to chat & chat & chat. It’s nothing ever substantial, like in depth but you are getting to know the guy. When you get on the topic of where he lives again & it’s actually in Torquay, not Melbourne. You have had a job interview & someone who interviewed you is based in Melbourne, so he says that you could move. Of course it’s too early to even think of that, being you haven’t even met this guy in real life so you say that you aren’t moving with a “Hahaha,” but in your mind you mean that you aren’t moving for this job but that’s where things take a turn.

He doesn’t write back or initiate conversation for two days after this ‘moving’ conversation. You’ve posted stories on snapchat & he’s looked at them, but he’s not even said hello, so you don’t either assuming that he doesn’t want to talk to you & as predicted, he’s pulling away. Two days later, J-Licious has deleted you. You feel foolish for yet again, thinking that this one was different.

#IBD4U

Fucking random adds in snapchat continues…

#IBD4U

Who knew snapchat random add was the place to meet people & the 2023 dating app of the year??

#IBD4U