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While reading my past relationships – can I even call them that? Were they just Situationships, textationships, FWBships… Well whatever they were, they were a part of my life & a part of me & who I’ve become… For the purposes of this blog, we’ll refer to them as relationships.

As I read the hundreds of stories, some of them for the first time since I published them, I had cringe moments of what the fuck was I thinking & why did I do that? Or why did I say that? I have so many questions about my actions, my part in the stories. & so many moments where in the moment, I felt like I was justified but reading back (& probably how you reacted) I just wonder if the whole sliding doors theory would’ve changed my whole life with one different decision.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing right? I can’t undo anything I’ve done & honestly would I change it? Maybe not, because then I wouldn’t be who I am… Which I feel is a pretty decent person. I’m not the best friend who writes back or makes plans – for those friends reading thinking that – but I mean I work hard, I’m honest & now I like to keep to myself with dogs.

So as I read the stories, I knew I wasn’t looking for anything, any significant things that stand out to make me a better person or change the way I am. After all these years, though I still have similar questions that I rhetorically asked in the blog posts… Why did he do that to me? Why did he say that? Why did that happened that way? & the big one, why the fuck am I still single?

This piece of social media gold, popped up in the form of a Tik Tok. I do follow Mel Robbins as she has a lot of good advice. This one in particular resonated as I read all of my blogs…

You already have closure – Their lack of honesty was closure. The way they treated you was closure. The fact that you don’t have an explanation is closure. The disrespect is closure.

So next is just a bit of advice that came up on my FB feed, I am not 100% sure who Cody Brett is but he seems like some sort if relationship coach. His website is unclear – there is nothing in the about me. However this came to me via a ‘for you’ post on FB & I read it & it resonated with me.

#IBD4U

Another round of snapchat screenshots. I add almost everyone that adds me to snapchat. Usually as I’ve said before they either don’t message me at all or they send something stupid & get blocked… It never lasts very long, let’s be honest!

#IBD4U

You’re all familiar with the term FiFo? Fly in – Fly out? A transient worker who usually does two weeks on, one week off. Getting flown to the job site (usually a mine or something) then having to stay in the camp. That’s this guy, usually they seem to be diesel mechanics, but I have no idea what this guy does! Hahaha… One day he does send me snaps of him in a tractor & he says he’s moving poo. I ask if it’s actual poo & he just replies poo. Rightio then!

We chat for almost two weeks pretty regularly, he replies to all my snaps and keeps the conversation going when I stop talking to him. He keeps talking about catching up when he gets home & I actually think that I am going to meet this guy, he’s not ugly, he’s 38 & lives in Adelaide, so why not. Didn’t my lash lady say her best friend met her partner on snapchat random add! This could be the guy…

I honestly don’t remember much on the conversation, as you know Snapchat delete after 24 hours & if you chat a lot, I forget to go back & copy it. You can’t screenshot it without them knowing too. So I never know who is going to be blog worthy to start writing about & when I realise they are blog worthy, I have forgotten what we’ve talked about!

So this one night, he kind of has a meltdown! All he’s written to me all day is that he’ll be home in nine days & that he’s going to see my ‘fanny’, yes, fanny! I tell him about 30+ times to stop calling it my fanny but he keeps going, like it’s not even funny dude… My family have been at my house so I just don’t reply to his ridiculous messages. He’s obviously back in his room & bored, so messages me about my fanny. But he cracks it cos I don’t reply.

The last few days too, his messages have just be repetitive. On the Saturday, he sends one word messages, I don’t even remember why but he keeps saying “Everything.” The day before that, he keeps calling me a “meanie” because I wouldn’t send him pictures – probably of my fanny, but doesn’t really engage in conversation, even when I try. Why am I trying with this guy?!

For some reason, one night he asks me to call him but I say no & he says I’m obviously not interested – not because I won’t call but because I haven’t chatted much. I just say that I’m not even sure what to reply to half his one word messages, that he’s not given me much to reply too, so what doesn’t he want from me? He says something about me being away, which he knows I wasn’t as I snapped pictures of me & the dogs on the beach, so I have no clue what this guy is on… He says something else, which I don’t get to see because he deletes me from snapchat.

Stupidly I decide to send him a text as he’s given me his number. He replies & tells me that I’ve not given him a chance, so I’ll never know – I mean we have been chatting so I have been giving him a chance. He tells me that I’m stuck up but that means I have brains & says cheers for the extra loneliness. Are you fucking kidding me??? I reply that all he’d said to me that day was basically “fanny” – even though I asked him not to call it that or keep saying it or he called me “meanie.” I mean what I am supposed to write back to those captivating messages? Now even this blog is getting repetitive like him!

I head back to snapchat to screenshot & block him but he’s added me back… Bahahaha! What the actual fuck. I just leave him there, but I don’t delete him. I wake up to a text message that says “I was only joking around bloody hell” but I don’t think that he was joking at all… This guy is away for work & I bet he gets like me when I am away for work – you get over it quickly! He doesn’t text me or snapchat me at all after that…

A few days or so later, he’s deleted me again, so I block him & think that is the end, he deleted me right, so he won’t use my number… But of course he does… I have him saved in my phone as ‘Do Not Answer’ & when it comes up on my watch I think, who the fuck is this, then I remember. He says “I’m sorry” then I get “I still want to see you” & then he sends about 20 minutes later “#IBD4U.” I don’t click on them to mark them as read but think he’s iPhone & I’m android so he won’t be able to see if I read them or not. I don’t reply. I am not interested in whatever this guy has to offer.

#IBD4U

In my infinite wisdom just before my ADHD medication starts, just before I am diagnosed, things aren’t great at my job, I’ve been there 2.5 years at this point & things haven’t improved & I honestly cannot see them improving so I start looking for another job, one with more money & career progression… I’m not applying for every job because I don’t hate my job, I’m looking at ones that interest me.

A job comes up in the same industry & the same job only seemingly a step up to have ‘manager’ in the title, I apply & get a zoom interview. The guy who will seemingly be my boss calls me in the next few days to see how I feel about the role. I explain it’s a lot less money & it doesn’t come with a car, so I have to upgrade my shitty old 2001 car as I’ve basically had a brand new work car for 10 years. He explains there is a $15k upfront allowance & I’ll just have to keep receipts or the govt will charge me tax on the remaining amount at tax time. I think that’s a fucking weird way to pay an allowance, but I think of how this will help out buying a new car. I am also concerned about the drop in actual pay rate, not just the car, but he assures me that commission structure that he’s set up is super achievable & within a month or two I will be consistently making commission which means I will be earning a lot more than I do now, even including the loss of the perk of a car.

We also discuss the fact I don’t want to be stuck doing the administration side of the role, which is what the commission is based on, but he assures me that there is plenty of support & I won’t be doing that for long either. I mean that would take my career back three years if I had to start doing that part of the job again… He reassures me that this role is the progression & money I am looking for. I think if I have the $15k for a new car, then I won’t have an issue there, then I can live a couple of months on a lower pay until the commissions kick in. I read my contract & stupidly I sign without actually taking it ALL in… I signed with the thrill of a new job, new position title & the prospect of achieving great things!

I can see the opportunity with this new company for the career progression I am seeking, that I take the leap & quit my job. I quit a job that I like, that I got at a time I was unemployed & thinking I wouldn’t never work again, but when my reputation is always at stake in this role – I offer something & they never deliver so I’m the one that looks like the fuck wit over & over again, having to dribble shit to cover someone’s ass, I am fed up. Not only that, I haven’t actually made that many friends there. Of course I made friends, but it was an even more solitary role than my previous one, as I had no team of my own & didn’t fit in with the other teams (work wise) so I was always on the out, if that makes sense. There is a severe lack of leadership at that workplace, no one is managing, even if they are a manager. Incidents are just glossed over & never dealt with. It’s a bit of shemozzle.

My soon to be new boss discusses his travel plans to come to Adelaide to be with me for the first three days then I’ll work from home two days. He doesn’t actually say it’s a work from home job, or provide me with start or finish times, so I just figure I’ll be there when he fly’s in on the Monday. I have a week off between the jobs because it’s my birthday & while I am actually turning 42, I am finished with my reno & covid isn’t fucking up the party plans, that I’m finally having my 40th party.

In my notice period, I have four days left, I am honestly working so hard to hand over everything but they are making it so easy to leave… I realise how much I do, when I hear on the grapevine that my role is being split into two people. Yeah fuck you! However, I get a text from my soon to be new boss saying he is finishing up with the organisation effective immediately. He says I’m going to smash the role & to have a happy birthday. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I freak out of course, I find the email address of the other dude who interviewed me to basically say ‘please explain.’ He calls me & says that if he knew that guy was going to text he would’ve called straight away. He asks if I am open to travel (I assume no one wanted to come induct me in Adelaide), which I say I can & so next minute he’s booking me on the same flight as my friend who’s been in Adelaide for my Birthday.

Ok what’s all this got to do with a boy? Well nothing really, except how I ended up in Brisbane. Bahaha. So this is also around the time I am adding every random add on Snapchat – you can follow along with the snapchat screenshot blogs! I have added a few people while in Brisbane for work, chatting in the street waiting for my new boss – who is the General Manager to pick me up from the hotel, I am chatting nicely to a guy & then bam dick video… Hmmm thanks mate! He says ‘whoops accident’ but it’s too late, he’s been blocked.

The week in Brisbane is uneventful, I found out the gossip that the manager that hired me, was actually fired in his probation as he was a bully, so maybe it’s for the best that he was let go? But the week is a shambles. No one really does anything with me at all…. I don’t know if I’m supposed to buy my own food or what. I don’t know what the start & finish times are & to top it off, Wednesday in Brisbane is a public holiday. A chick works but all we do is go out to lunch. At the end of my first week, I barely even know what my role is or what is expected of me…

I get shoved in an Uber on Friday midday for the airport, as I am almost there, I add some more randoms & someone comes up & he’s in Brisbane, working right near the airport. I tell him too bad cos I am about to fly home. But he sends a face pic & he’s cute & can hold a conversation so I don’t delete him.

However, once I’m home it’s sporadic at best with him, initially replying to all my snap stories, then just one a week, to radio silence. I don’t delete him like I normally would maybe because he’s cute?! I don’t know… One morning I see the cake next to him name, which means it’s his birthday, I say happy birthday & he says thanks but it’s not his birthday. That sparks a chat for a couple of days but then fizzles out. No big deal. I leave him in my list despite the one to two weeks with no chats from him.

One night, I am chatting to this other guy on the regular – maybe he’s the one that needs a post hahaha, but Real Estate comes up asking how my night is, telling me how beautiful I am etc… I ask how his transition into Real Estate is going as he’s just switching jobs & he asks from my snap story why I am looking for a new job.

So I am now looking for another job. I was played by another fucking type of man, not a man I am dating but the guy who was fired, either genuinely believed what he told me or he was a fucking liar – a typical sales person. So I have dropped a significant amount of money per fortnight, there is no $15k car allowance – in fact, the car allowance is part of my salary, so technically I have really dropped even more money. (I mean how dumb am I, those who know what jobs I’ve had, know I should know better, the contract states that too FFS. But also an allowance is actually tax free, so this is not an allowance. This is just a way to pay people less.)

There is also the commission structure, which with the reputation the company has in Adelaide, that I’ve witnessed in the short time that I’ve been there, is going to be unachievable in the first year, maybe even at all. Again, I am putting a lot of pressure on my personal reputation in the industry to ensure they deliver the goods…. There are lots of things about this role that isn’t what it should be, I have basically taken a ten year hit money wise & the administration work takes three years off my career. I left for career progression & I don’t see that happening in this role, at all. All the senior managers are in Brisbane. Especially not now that I have a new manager who is your typical used car salesman, his catch phrase is – well he has several but one is, “would you like fries with that?”

What’s worse is that no one in the organisation in SA or QLD have any fucking idea what I have to do to get commission but the other staff on commission only have to get 6 per month more than me… Um they sit behind a computer all day & their leads come in through website enquiries, I’m on the road & doing 100 different things, even more so now I have this new boss, who also likes to say “What’s the pain point?” Um you are dude!

Anyway, Real Estate is listening to all of this crap & understanding how frustrated I am, I am also delving into my eating disorder & ADHD… This guy has barely chatted & now I’m oversharing like a fucking wanker?! No wonder people back off from me so easily… What is wrong with me?!

We get onto the topic of porn – what a jump from my job, I tell him the types of porn I like etc & then I think it’s coming, any second now, I’ll be confronted with his cock pic that I have to acknowledge in some positive way… Yep here it is, he sends me a snap, I look at it & it’s just his side of the bed, freed up for me apparently. Hahaha, props to Real Estate, he never sends me a dick pic.

But he disappears often – for days at a time, like is he married? I guess I’ll never know cos we’ll never meet so what does it matter? I mean I don’t initiate the chat much, so perhaps that’s it too? But I hate that whole thing of them being so chatty & then just ignore your last message for days on end… What pisses me off is that I am always available when they message me… When am I going to be the one that ignores some fuck wit for days while they sit & wonder why…?

But to top it all off, I am looking for a new job, I have been getting no where, which is really frustrating. I seek advice on resumes & cover letters which is so confusing that I think that I have fucked up my applications. On the Monday I have a small disagreement with my boss & then he makes a meeting on the Thursday with me. I attend via zoom, ready to just placate him & do as he says when he says that he won’t beat around the bush with todays meeting, they are terminating my employment in my probation as I am not the right fit for the company. FUCK. 4 weeks before Christmas, I am fucked with no prospects!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

So adding Snapchat randoms, has not been good for me or my mental health, I mean the amount of times I am asked, “What are you looking for on here?” like it’s a fucking dating app! OMG. Most of the time they are interstate & the ones in Adelaide are either not my type or married…

About 97% of the time they are just plain weird!

Here are a few screenshots of what I am now going through, as I am only using Snapchat – apparently as a dating app. Hahaha.

Yeah, why do I keep doing this to myself?!

#IBD4U

So I didn’t quite finish my Diagnosis #2 post before it posted, I forgot I scheduled it & it auto posted… This one was supposed to go up at 8:00am today, but I set it for 8:00pm! OMG.

As I was saying my lash lady has said she’d been medicated & it changed her life, so I decided to trial medication… Since posting that, I have been on medication for about three months & I can tell you that I do notice some differences, the worst side effect so far is the dry mouth which is causing a gum issue that hurts pretty much 24/7 no matter what I do for it. I freaked out, thinking I would lose my tooth but the dentist assures me that it’s not going anywhere!

Being medicated was a big decision for me, I didn’t want to lose me, lose myself & who I am… Which I haven’t – I don’t think, however I am not as fiery as I once was… (not a bad thing!) I don’t make snap decisions & writing people off as quickly as I did, even within the last three months, I am noticing this difference.  But I do feel lazier than I was…  

I didn’t realise that my lack of emotion, that my intrusive thoughts (Remember about acting crazy with a pregnancy scare for both Milky & Noodle!), how low my self esteem is & the fact I barely sleep were all part of ADHD… I always just thought I was an overthinker & high maintenance, but really I am not.. Now not all of these have resolved, maybe they won’t ever but they don’t overtake my thoughts as much since being medicated. I wonder how different I would’ve been had I been medicated years ago?

As you also know I have also been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder ‘Atypical anorexia’ which is only fairly new to the diagnostic tools, essentially you starve yourself & have obsessive traits around weight gain, body image & size, yet never looking like what society thinks is an anorexic person – severely underweight & physically looking ill.

As an atypical anorexic, I don’t eat regularly or anywhere near the calories I’m supposed too, (usually 500-1200 per day. BMR is 1439 calories. If I do eat over 1200 calories, its usually because I ate chips.) I exercise a fair bit – not as much as I used too & I obsess about how my clothes are fitting (much tighter) & what the scales say (much higher), yet no one would really know the daily struggles mentally, because I will eat a meal with people & happily eat a streak & chips while out at a restaurant. They obviously don’t see the struggle with clothes & the scales, because I don’t look ‘sick’ to them, I am just a normal woman. Peel back the layers & I am actually severely malnutritioned & struggle most days to even consider food choices, that I end up with a bag of chips, if I do eat. I don’t binge (eating excessive amounts) or purge (vomiting/laxatives), but I don’t make good food choices with meals I do have to make.

Anyway just like a typical anorexic, the recovery is difficult & the treatment plan is to eat three meals per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but also the part that my ‘health professional’ team haven’t really dealt with, is the fact I’ve put on weight, in fact I’ve put on 5kgs in a few months & there is no protocol (so far, I guess) in helping me deal with that body change, which is significant for me. I have put on weight, my clothes don’t fit & I feel awful all the time having to eat & so I wonder what the fuck am I bothering for? I was already overweight, now I am eating, spending hundreds of dollars & I’m even more overweight?

The other part of the recovery protocol is to go to a dietician, I picked one who specialises in eating disorders that was recommenced to me twice. After spending $250 on a 80 minute consult where all I took away from it was when he said, “You will never been in a small body so you just need to eat three meals a day,” I booked a follow up appointment as he was standing right there but promptly emailed to cancel.

After that, a week later I had a session with my psychologist who cost me $200, who basically said I didn’t have to come see her anymore, if I didn’t want too, “Maybe it’s not the right time for your recovery.” Right, I almost didn’t come to this appointment in the first place, now I’ve spent $200 for you to tell me not to bother…

Then I have my amazing GP who I basically have seen almost every month for ten years, but his appointment costs me $100+, (yes I get rebates as part of the ED for all but not a lot of $$) PLUS having to buy food = more $$ every week, & then having to think about food more than I ever have before, I was like what the fuck is the point… With the recovery protocol in full swing, its not like I’ve seen a significant positive change in my mood or I haven’t seen a burst of energy now I’m eating three balanced meals a day. In fact, I just feel frumpy, gross, lethargic & more self conscious that I don’t want to go out & the increase in weight is not stopping…

With ADHD it’s hard to make choices, especially when there are lots of steps. I remember someone at my old job laughing at me because I bought pre-made mashed potato. She was like, “It’s easy, you just cook the potatoes & mash them.” Well yeah, in theory that’s true but in my ADHD head, you have to buy the potatoes, peel them, cut them up, boil them (not even sure for how long), drain them, mash them, add stuff (assuming butter, salt, pepper, garlic, milk, cheese?) & then serve them along with meat & veges that you’ve also had to cook. My brain thinks about ALL the steps, they are overwhelming so I just don’t do any of them!

So I also have a new job (mid 2023), which isn’t going as great as I thought it would… The reasons I left my current job are still exactly the same in this new job… They are an old company that are rebranding with a bad reputation & I was led to believe things were much different. I am ready for the hard work & am excited about the prospects this job has but there are unattainable commissions & a huge drop in pay that are making me questions all my life choices… There is huge potential in this role but that doesn’t help me pay my bills until I can turn things around & hit the commission structure. I have a new boss, who I have talked to about this & he see’s my point, but ultimately, I signed the contract with this pay so there isn’t much he can do (though he says he is), but me look for another job.

While I haven’t officially dated anyone since my diagnosis & since being medicated, but I have just completed a Cert IV that I have been doing for almost two years in about one month. (even my trainer was like WHAT?!) I have been motivated to make the E-Book  versions of the blog… Which not only is taking so much time, but OMG, reading the stories… WTF was I thinking!! I mean I know I had dated a lot but I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted with half of them… & some of the texts I sent… FUCK. Hahahaha. I have such clarity about myself now & I cringe at some of the things I said or did, however, I guess those key men Milky, Origin, Max & Noodle, shaped me to where I am today…

Anyway, I think if I wasn’t medicated for ADHD I would be fricken peaking right now! But I am calm, I have talked to my bosses about my concerns with the job & what I was told, obviously being careful as I have no savings & no one to pay my mortgage if they get rid of me in my probation, then I am royally fucked… I have been applying for jobs, but that isn’t going great – probably because I have a job of only two months on there! But I’m not even getting a phone screening call to explain why I am looking to move on so soon. I am calm about food, I mean I just don’t worry about it as much as I was a few months ago… I have honestly gone back to barely eating & I feel ok about it & my Dr is supportive at this stage but I have given up the ED recovery with the psychologist… I am calm as I am still seeing Marvel who logs off for weeks, but it doesn’t bother me. Nothing is phasing me really, I am just going along thinking ‘somehow everything will work out!’

Just some notes: Think before you say anything to someone who might be using prepackaged foods that you think are easy to make, because you have no idea what struggles they’ve dealt with to make that meal! Also telling someone they have lost weight, might seem positive, but you have no idea why or how they have lost weight. Are they sick? Do they have an eating disorder?

I was recently sent this website. If you or someone you know is going through an ED then have a look at the site… While I am not sure about my recovery, I have signed up to the newsletter which has been helpful. https://butterfly.org.au/

After giving up with the psychologist who I did find very helpful in the beginning until she made me go to a dietician, I found a psychologist on TikTok (of all places) from Melbourne, who talks about ED & ADHD as a combined diagnosis sort of thing. I love watching her little stories, I relate to them so much that I even bought her book (which I am yet to read), listened to her podcast & even had a free 30 minute zoom consult with her – which turned out to just be a sales pitch of her $3000 program. I want to do it, but right now I don’t have that $$. https://www.mindfoodsteph.com/

So I look forward to seeing how dating goes while I’m medicated for my ADHD & am interested in how my ED progresses now that I am medicated… However the only medical professional left in my team is my amazing GP… Will things be different or the same… As always stay tuned…

#IBD4U

On a recent night where I have severe insomnia, I’m not chatting to anyone online. The internet at home is so shit that is barely runs Netflix… I haven’t been playing my stupid farm game, which I played everyday for over two years to distract me from talking to boys online… I am bored… I’ve studied this week a lot already, so I don’t want to get up & sit at my computer. It’s late. This dangerous… I feel myself thinking, ‘What are you doing?’ as I stupidly download a dating app…

As you know, if you’re a long time reader, I never usually announce the name of the dating apps I’ve used, but today, you’ll know. I was on it for a record time of about two hours, I usually delete them quickly but they last a few weeks. However, this is probably the quickest.

I start my dating app journey this night by filling in all the bullshit questions – age, height, smoking, drugs, drinking, work, school, say something about yourself, blah blah blah. Then you do the verification of your email who-ha & then verification of your profile, so you have to send a picture of you doing the pose they show you – such as putting your hand on your head.

I swear at this point, I’m already an hour into my whopping 2 hour stint on Badoo. (Whatever the fuck Badoo is!) But I press on, looking for cute photos of me to add to my profile. I always follow my advice that men should listen to & have a picture of my face & a picture of my body. Then there’s no surprises when they meet me & I’m not in a thin body like they expected from my expert-level cameraman skills.

I upload one of me at my recent birthday party, one with the dogs, one in a dress in my mirror & one of me in my car – while I’m at work about to go into a meeting, with sunglasses on. On the day that this was taken, I was wearing a black dress with a navy jacket/blazer and a pair of black Oakley sunnies. My hair is down & straight having just cut it all off up to my shoulders & a pair of  Mimco studs in my ears. The background is my car & a little of the carpark I am in, the sun is shining… It’s a snapchat picture that I saved, that actually doesn’t have a filter (which in itself is also rare). I even captioned it “Corporate #IBD4U today.”

I finish off my profile & start looking at matches, 95% of profiles pictures include either a picture of him shirtless, shirtless in bed, shirtless at the beach, shirtless at the gym, shirtless in the bathroom (Some show nipples & areola, some don’t) or wearing sunnies in the car. There are even shirtless guys wearing sunnies! OMG Scandal!

There are the usual fish holding pictures, snow or water skiing pictures, the guy holding a beer – usually in a suit at a wedding (always unclear if he’s the groom or not), or a cigarette hanging out their mouth (so sexy – there should be more cancer sticks hanging out people’s mouth in photos!) Or even better when they have a beer & cigarette to show their real class & there is even a guy sticking his finger up at the camera.

A selection of the pictures above, there were many many many more! Why have you become a phsyco bitch #IBD4U & screenshotted peoples pictures you ask? Good question. It’s almost 2am & I am fucking mad!!

So I look at my profile after getting bored looking at all the foul hairy chests with nipples & men who look like they’d give Dahmer a run for his money, I notice that my picture in the car is gone. So I upload it again & go back to looking at people ‘close to me.’

Again with the boredom of the same pictures over & over from different men (I can only assume women’s profiles are all alike too, but I’ve never searched women so I can’t comment), I look to see my car picture is gone again. I don’t know how but I then upload it twice. I check. It’s there. Twice. A few seconds later I get a notification saying my picture is inappropriate… WTF!

Enter phsyco bitch!

What the actual factual fucking fuck?!

So I look closer at my photo, it’s pretty tame right… I wonder if it’s my sunnies? Is it the snapchat caption – but another picture I put up has a snapchat caption & that survived this rigorous process. I don’t have a seatbelt on & the background is not blurred, you can see in my sunnies that I am holding the phone for a selfie so it it’s clear I’m not driving. What could I possibly be doing in this photo that breeched guidelines & is deemed inappropriate.

Surely not! I click on the picture in my photo album… Under the caption between the opening of the blazer is my boobs – shock, where else would they be… It can’t be that I have cleavage showing that it is deemed inappropriate? Fuck me sideways…

So now my one semester at law school kicks in… Enter Elle Woods! Where are the fucking Badoo photo guidelines?

What a crock of shit!!!!! Badoo guidelines say they allow self expression, a bathing suit only outdoors – apparently only for women as the man in the picture I saved is indoors, seemingly in bathers/shorts/underwear. Who the fuck is the sexist prick that wrote these… A women’s nipple or areola is out of the question but a man’s isn’t?!

I have definitely not breeched the guidelines in any way at all with cleavage! Of course, there is no real appeals process, just like Facebook, they can do whatever they like because they can. There is no email address, you can’t post on their social media as they have that switched off… I message them on FB messenger but I deleted my account before they can block me. Not that I’ll ever use Badoo again – but it’s the principle!!

Adding insult to injury, they sent me an email asking if I really want to leave… Yes, you misogynistic fucking app, I do want to leave & If I wasn’t off all dating apps already, I sure as hell would delete it all now.

Honestly who would have thought that after all my years of online dating, all my years of getting unsolicited dick pics, would I be the one that breeches any sort of antiquated photo guidelines? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be in this position…

Now I use my form of self expression, just like Badoo encourage & tell all of you about my 2 hour experience of being overtired & pissed off that we live in such a sexist world where a breast created for infant feeding is inappropriate but a useless male nipple is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention the guy flipping the bird, perfectly acceptable. But shut down the cleavage!

I think I better get some sleep before I have a lawsuit on my hands…

#IBD4U

This diagnosis is a little but more controversial for me, because as soon as I say I have seen Psychiatrist & I have this diagnosis, whoever you tell says “oh yeah, I have that” which isn’t helpful & unless you have a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, then you probably shouldn’t say anything.

I have ADHD & GAD, which is attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder & generalized anxiety disorder. I am normally a little against people getting diagnosed – especially kids because I have seen them ‘become’ their diagnosis or using their diagnosis as to get out of doing school work etc (I work with school kids) & milk it.

At first I didn’t even want to be referred to the Psychiatrist to be honest, I didn’t want to know what my GP suspected & I honestly didn’t think it was me at all… I am not hyper! I have a million thoughts per minute & I am always doing something, when I sit still, I overthink so I try to keep busy, but I’m not hyper. I have a good attention span, I get things done… But…

…I dominate conversations, I talk super fast & loud so people hear me, I will talk over the top of people when they aren’t getting to the point, I procrastinate about finishing tasks after I start them, I worry about everything & overthink to the point I don’t sleep, I am obsessive over food, weight etc & organisation (to the point I thought it was OCD not ADHD/GAD) but yet I am so disorganised also… I make impulsive decisions – which usually turn out ok, but I decide to renovate, I do it. I make it work. I decode to travel, I make it work. I decide to switch jobs, I make it work… But then I stress about getting everything done & end up getting help (from some amazing friends).

So what does this diagnosis mean at 42 years of age? Well I was reluctant to bother medicating or even doing any therapy regarding the ADHD/GAD. I mean I don’t have a life where I can’t hold down or job or pay bills, I am still a smart woman who get through life – but who wants to just “get though life” could I be getting through life better?

My lash lady is medicated for OCD & she says that it changed her life for the better.

#IBD4U

One thing I have needed to do, probably my whole life is focus on me for a bit. I have always been on the go looking for someone to love me or looking for that new job with career progression & lately renovations.

So when I finally realise with the help of my Doctor that I have to work on myself, not the outside of myself but the inside, I actually start to get proper diagnosis. Now depending who you talk too, diagnosis are sometimes helpful & sometimes not… I guess I have to wait & see what way it goes for me. However you all know I have had a weight struggle, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of eating plan, supplement regime or some sort of prescribed drug to lose weight.

I have been so Psychologists before, counsellors & healers but when my GP referred me to a health psychologist, I googled her & I wasn’t sceptical, I was excited… For the first time in a long time I was excited about seeing someone… But her wait was almost 7 months to get into her! FUCK…

Our first session we just set the scene & history, by the second session she went though on her white board – a cycle. A cycle which I have been in for over 20 years of eating healthy, exercising – getting results & putting too much pressure on myself to get “skinny” (whatever skinny means). When she sits down & tells me I have an eating disorder & she has a plan to recover from it my first thought is ‘Fuck, how are we going to do that in 10 sessions’ (you get 10 sessions covered on a mental health care plan with Medicare) & as if she read my mind she says that Medicare covers 40 sessions for an eating disorder. WOW.

I have always said I have some sort of eating disorder, it’s not anorexia because I don’t loose weight like someone who’s starving themselves but I also am not bulimic as I don’t vomit my food up however I do have compulsions to gorge on food, particularly when I do my grocery shopping, I will eat all 4 ice creams I buy to ‘get them out of the house.’ but this diagnosis (I wish had a completely different name) is Atypical Anorexia Nervosa.

Now we all know Anorexia is an eating disorder of starving oneself & nervosa just means loss of appetite so essentially starving by intaking little to no calories daily & rapidly losing weight to a scarily low BMI (not that we should use the BMI for ANYTHING!).

Atypical anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder where you do everything an anorexic person does or thinks, including all the body image disturbances & a history of restrictive eating & weight loss, except that they are not currently underweight & can have an overweight BMI. That’s me!

So while I am only at the beginning of this diagnosis, I initially was happy to have a name for it. I only wanted a name so I knew how to treat it. Luckily for me my gut was right with this Psychologist & she has been AMAZING. While she’ll allow me to talk about shit at work & my love life etc, we focus mainly on health with little goals that most people don’t realise are a huge struggle for me, such as only weighing once a week – not daily. Eating three meals a day & planning food so I am not just eating a packet of chips when I do eat…

Very small steps but recently I found my weight watchers card when I was 21 years old & I was 64kgs, with a goal weight on 55kgs. As I broach my 42nd birthday, I know that this weight watchers card was not my first attempt at losing weight back then, though high school it was a struggle & there was always a fad I was doing. So for over 20 years, I have been dieting but not getting the results of that of an anorexic person so I never believed I had an eating disorder.

I am obviously not here to give medical advice in anyway, I am not on the same journey as someone with the same behaviours as I have but I do think that there are many of you reading this thinking, fuck I have done the same… So I urge you to get some mental health assistance because weight loss is not about the weight. There is an underlying issue for why I eat the way I eat, why I exercise the way I do & why I think the way I think…

Which leads me into my second diagnosis of 2023…

#IBD4U

Not a lot has been happening on the dating scene in 2023. With both Fisherman & Farmer having the audacity to ghost me… I am done. Like really done! I am still deep in this backyard reno (a year later), I have two very recent health diagnosis that I am working through – I should do a post about both TBH just so I don’t feel so alone with both of them, I have quit my job & starting a new one (which includes a trip to QLD) & I have moved my little lash business back home – a full circle. It’s been so busy that I just cannot factor in a boy.

But my new eye lash lady tells me that her friend met her boyfriend on Snapchat as a random add & they have been dating for years now… Well I get random adds every single day – probably because I am ‘Cheekie ******’, that I ignore, but perhaps this could be something for me too?

So I start adding everyone… Fuck it is funny. But it gets boring so quickly & I delete people so quickly! So a lot of the time, they say, “Heyy” (yes with the 2 y’s) but my reply is always, “Where from & How old?” as my standard questions that I now ask first, however then I get, “Can I see you?” What is with that? I mean I understand they want to see what I look like but about 99.9% of the time I have taken a selfie, put it in my story & they have looked at it. Which is usually my reply, “In my story, but what do you know, you’ve already looked at it.” They then say sorry or you’re hot. Sometimes I get, no I want to see all of you – meaning I need to see if you’re fat or not. Of course I also get asked for nudes too, but no one is getting that these days…

What is is the sentence though, “Can I see you?” It’s never different on snap… Why don’t they ask, “Can you send me a pic?” or “What do you look like?” I think it’s so fucking weird to say, “Can I see you?” – or is it just me that thinks that’s a weird phrase?! It’s like a universal thing for snapchat.

Another thing they will say is, “Sorry for the add, I hope it’s ok.” Well dipshit, of course it’s ok, or I wouldn’t have added you back! Then we go through bullshit about where I’m from & what I look like etc. Ironically most that ask to see me, don’t share a picture with me. Usually they are deleted quickly.

My personal favourite when they add me is, “Do I know you?” No fuck wit you don’t, you added me from quick add – which they usually deny. Sometimes they will say, “Oh you came up in my list so I added you.” or sometimes it’s like a whole bunch of messages pretending to know me or think they know me, all a ploy to get pictures etc. Another personal fav is the, “I don’t get on here much, can I have your number.” No dude, you cannot. Then there are the ones who call you, I block those who call me, do not call me on snapchat, thanks!

“How cheekie are you?” I mean I sort of ask for that, don’t I? However it doesn’t make it any less annoying! Also the amount of dick pics! FUCK. What is wrong with men… I get so many snaps with their dicks so I took to screenshotting them as they get a notification that I have done so. When they see that I have screenshotted they will sometimes ask me to delete it or ask what I am going to do with it. Then I block them. Of course I delete their ugly dick pic but I hope they think twice about spamming someone else with their cock.

Picture this – a guy sitting on the toilet (my personal favourite) in a dirty white t shirt, his fingernails are filthy as are his hands, his fairly big dick is so untrimmed, you can’t even see if he has balls & to top it off, the white toilet seat is dirty also… ABSOLUTELY FOUL! What is wrong with men. Another sent me a video if this micro-penis & his hairy asshole… Another sent me a video of him pissing in the toilet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

If you know snapchat, you know that it also sends you a notification when someone is typing, which is fucking annoying as it means you get two notifications if they send you one “Heyy,” then you get another notification when they quickly say, “Can I see you?” (Usually without a question mark.) & sometimes another when they look at your story & then say you’re hot or if they send you their own snap – usually of their filthy penis. But when I get a million notifications one day & the person I share my office with asks what is happening with my phone as it vibrates for a long time like a call, I look & one of the randoms has sent a video – opening a video at work is always risky. But I’m pretty sure this guy did the same thing this morning. He records himself singing in his car, seemingly while driving to songs on the radio. Firstly his voice isn’t great so it’s not about that & he is singing the whole song. So I get multiple snaps for the WHOLE song & he’ll send about 4-5 full renditions of songs. Needless to say he is blocked rapidly.

I’ve barely had a conversation with any snapchatters that lasted more than a couple of chats & the ones that do talk are usually too young for me or live far away. I did get chatting to one guy from Adelaide – he was a bit of a ranting weirdo, but I thought for a split second about potentially meeting him, but he deleted me before we even got anywhere close to that anyway – which perplexed me. However I guess like I suspected for Farmer, he was probably married.

Creepiness galore when someone from the chat app adds me, which I have not been on in months & they start saying things about me that they know, probably not to freak me out but to prove they know who I am, so we chat a bit but I don’t put in that much effort, much like I didn’t on the chat app & we just sporadically chat as we did on there. If I didn’t chat to them much on there, I am not going to chat to them much on snapchat unless they put in some effort & I feel like it’s worth it to put in effort back.

So the more randoms you add, the more randoms that add you. So I get about 20 per day & I add most of them, but most of them I block within a few hours or so because of the above bullshit. So I don’t even think I am going to have a decent chat with anyone from snapchat, let alone meet someone to date! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Earlier in 2023, when I am online dating for the last time… I almost don’t swipe on this guy, he’s doing a kiss face with sheep in his profile picture & he’s only got two photos basically the same wearing sunnies. I’m not sure about him but we message, his grammar & spelling are impeccable for a farmer, usually there are lots of misspelt words for guys & country guys are usually the worst… But this guy isn’t… It kinda turns me on a little. Hahaha.

He sends me photos of his house he just finished building & I don’t believe it’s his house… It’s fucking amazing, in a country town about 45 -60 minutes away from my house. I google image search & some of the pictures come up on a Melbourne window website – so either they were the window builder or he’s bullshitting… Does anyone remember the bullshit Motocross told me?! I can’t tell if this is bullshit or not yet…

We chat online but there isn’t a lot of banter, he asks for my snapchat, so I give it to him… We chat easily but there isn’t the funny banter or little smiles from the messages like I’ve had with other men before. Anyway he asks when I’m free, I tell him Saturday night but he says that he’s going up the river to help his neighbour & don’t offer another date.

We continue to talk all day & he sends me a snap of the sheep at about 5:30pm or so & I think, he’s a fucking lair & not a very good one because he’s clearly not up the river! He tells me that he didn’t want to stuff me around but he thought he might be home earlier but he didn’t know what time he’d be back so he didn’t want to make plans. I mean if he really wanted to meet, he could’ve asked when he got home if I was free… Men just don’t think…

He asks if I am free Monday as he is coming to town & will be on the same road as where I work, so I figure I never take proper lunch breaks, so I say yes, that we can meet at 12:00 pm. at 11:50 am, he asks if we’re still good to meet, so I get pack up & ready to meet assuming he’s already at the café. As I get in the car, he says that he’s still driving, by the time I get there he won’t be far behind if he’s on that road. But I like to be the one who walks in, not the one sitting waiting.

I am sitting there waiting like a dick, thinking he is standing me up. He is 20 minutes late at this point. If he was on the road that he said he was on, there is no way it took 20 minutes even with trying to find a park… He walks in & just sits down saying hello etc and I realise that this guy actually looks like an older version of Motocross… Fuck.

He pays for lunch for me & sits down, where we chat easily. It’s not witty banter, it’s not awkward, its just comfortable. He ordered the same as me, so we eat quickly as now I don’t have that long left. My old neighbours walk in & they stand & chat to me for a bit, which is a bit weird when you’re on a first date. We leave the café & I say goodbye to my neighbours, he’s standing at my car when I get out there, this is when it’s awkward as it’s board daylight on a Monday on a busy road. We say an awkward goodbye without touching & go our separate ways.

We talk so consistently over the next week & he asks when I am free for dinner, so I say Friday or Saturday night. On Thursday with no plans made, I notice he’s deleted his dating account & when he usually messages a “lol” he’ll follow up a few hours later asking what I’m doing or something. When he doesn’t I decide to ask when we are catching up so I can plan my weekend. He says “Probably Saturday” I am like either yes or no? not probably. He says Saturday & I ask where, he says he’ll have a think about it. So I give him an out, if he doesn’t want to meet again this weekend, fine, but my overthinking brain just thinks he’s either waiting for a better offer from another chick or he’s married/in a relationship.

Surprisingly he takes me out, says he’s wants to catch up but feels like he’s coming down with something… Rightio. We barely chat on the Friday, I can’t even be bothered, I don’t want a texting relationship with someone, he tries to be cheeky over the week, but I shut that chatter down too, again not what I want. Not what I deserve!

So we don’t catch up either day over the weekend, ironically again he is messaging me & tells me he feels ok. I tell him that I don’t want just texting & he says “Good!! Neither do I!!!!! I want someone to have a normal BF GF relationship, do things together create memories, also lots of kissing, lots of skin on skin etc etc etc……….” I mean I agree mate, but we have to fucking meet to get there! He says that we did meet once & to give him a break, I say ok & he tells me that I am hard work… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Hard work? Forgive me for wanting to see you again.

Farmer tries to catch up with me, but not really – like he doesn’t ask me specifically out & he doesn’t imply he wants to see me, he just dances around the subject & I don’t really care at this point, because I am sure he’s married… Even a guy I work with that I talk about my dating life with because he meets crazy women instantly says that Farmer is married…

Low & behold, he replies to every story, much like Eastwood did until Farmer deletes me. WHAT THE FUCK? He deletes me?! That’s just gold… Ok dude. See ya! Another one bites the dust… I had deleted my online dating profile long before he deleted me from snapchat, but seriously… I genuinely never get what happens with these men to make them delete me. I ask a guy friend at work & he says before I even finish the story that he thinks he’s married also…

Well fuck, I sure can pick em!

#IBD4U

Every year or so I jump back on online dating – usually to remind myself why I don’t online date anymore. I need to move on so this time I put the good energy out there into the universe, pay for the app for a month & match with a few people… One guy I was chatting too, that I was starting to think about meeting & he sends me a message then deletes me so I have no idea what his last message was! Oh the joys of online dating.

I match with Fisherman & I instantly know who he is… A person I am still friends with on Facebook, who was probably my best friend about 15-20 years ago was engaged to this guy fairly recently. I never met him, or ever saw her when she was with him, so I figure that it’s ok? I don’t know the rules of this type of thing, but we haven’t been close for a very long time!

I decide not to mention to him though because honestly, it’s a non issue. We exchange numbers & he wants to call me. I am not against phone calls but I spend a good portion of my day talking on my work mobile phone so it’s not something I enjoy when I am at home or during my lunch break. I also can decide when I reply to a message – like between clients at my hobby business or between meetings at work. When you’re on the phone, you can’t do much else…

When we exchange numbers, I ask him a deal breaker question. Pineapple on a pizza, yes or no? He says he doesn’t care either way, which is just a cop out answer, I make him decide & he says no. Hmmmm, I am enjoying the banter – as you know I haven’t been texting anyone for a while now & so I tell him that it’s ok, we can just get two pizzas.

Anyway, he calls me & we speak at lunch & it’s funny. He’s at work so I know that he’s told all his workmates about me & probably shown them my pictures as he keeps chatting to them too while chatting to me. He says he hasn’t shown them my picture but whatever… He asks me a deal breaker question, if when we are camping would I shit in a bucket? I ask why I can’t dig a hole & shit in that, he laughs & explains his toilet bucket, has a toilet seat so he laughs & says that I am a keeper.

We hang up & he texts to ask if I want to meet him tonight for a walk on the beach with the dogs, I change my plans with dad & tell him that I have changed times with dad, so that I can. I meet him, getting out the car with two dogs, it’s sort of hard to say a hello as a hug or anything, so we walk straight down to the beach & I let the dogs off their leashes & we walk & talk for a short 30 min walk. He tells me I look amazing & that I am better in real life than in my pictures – well I think that’s a first… When we finish the walk we stand around chatting for about 10 minutes at the car before I say I better get the dogs home, I hug him goodbye (no kiss) & he says “I’ll wait to hear from you” & I replied “No you can message me first.” Which he does not long after the date, he says that he had a good time & hopes we can catch up again. I am quietly confident about this one, for a change!

I am deep into scrubbing my floors with a bloody scrubbing brush on my hands & knees & putting down builders plastic while I am still midst backyard renovation & muddy paws, when Fisherman texts asking me to dinner tomorrow night, I assume at his house because he wants to make roast pork over coals… I don’t really want him at my house while it is like it is & I can also leave when I want too. We agree on dinner & have a few funny texts… I can’t help but smile & think this guys could be more than s flig.

About 2 hours after I got home from the walk with him, having agreed to a second date, I see that Fisherman is calling me. I do toy with the idea of just letting it go to voicemail because I am really trying to get my house in some sort of order but I answer & fuck I wish I trusted my gut!

Fisherman talks at me for 45 minutes… He told me on the walk how much super he has in his account, how his boss fucked him over with the Easter public holidays & making him permanent. He tells me all this again on the phone…. He tells me that his daughter is ‘frothing’ about the fact I am a lash tech & she can’t wait to get her lashes done – WTF, why does she know about me, we’ve been on one walk!!

He talks & talks & I am wondering if he is drunk or high, it’s just a fucking ramble of topic jumping to new topic…. He talks about the pork he’s going to cook, when I say he’s not coming to my house, he says that he lives in a caravan at his work. Oh this just keeps getting better. He talks about his previous living situation but I don’t really know how he ended up renting a room to living in his caravan. He tells me about his debt of paying off a car he doesn’t have. How much child support he has to pay – I mean I get the full run down.

I’m not going to go into the details of his childhood trauma but he talks about it in detail & starts going on about his ex stealing his therapy dog… I don’t ask but he talks about what I thought was her dog (she had him before she dated this guy from my knowledge) & when that dog died, she got another, he tells me that when they broke up she was letting him have the dog on weekends but then she got a restraining order on him… I ask him if the chick is the chick I know, saying her name & he yells “FUCK, I’m never gonna get away from her, am I? Well I guess that’s it for you & I” Um… ok! He then goes on to tell me that it takes two people to break up a relationship “a woman…. and her mother” FUCK SAKE. I don’t know why they broke up, I just know they are over & I just assumed it was because she never wanted to get married from my recollection.

I think out of all the things that he told me in that 45 minutes one way conversation, talking about exs are absolute warning signs for me that the person it not over their ex, but I think the thing that bothered me the most was that he talked a lot about his tiktok account & how many likes & views he had & how he’s trying to get paid for his posts. All the other stuff, is standard stuff – like unhealthy relationship with ex, childhood trauma, loss of a pet, unstable living situation, under employment, excess debt, child support payments – all of those things we’ve all experienced at some point or know someone going though some of that, its tough… But the get rich quick schemes bother me the most. I work hard, I work hard at two jobs. I haven’t had everything handed to me on a silver platter, but I have had help along the way to get where I am. But it’s also mainly hard work, not a quick get rich scheme.

Anyway I get off the phone by telling him that this is a lot & I’ll talk to him later. He messages me when I am asleep “Hope we are ok because I like u alot I think we r goin to click very well. Hope u give it a chance. Once again than u for a grate walk along the beach. Hope there more to come. Good night #IBD4U sweet dreams. Hope to hear from u tomorrow. Ps I bet u did a outstanding job on ya floor” OH Fuck.

The next day I get out of dinner by reminding him that my dad is coming over & I say that he’s bringing mum & staying for dinner, so I am able to dodge that bullet of him knowing where I live & also having to go to his house… We do text a little bit after that for a few days, he asks when we can catch up, I offer a drinks date on Wednesday & he says that he has no money but could do coffee on Saturday, I agree – but a chick at work forbids me to go… Hahaha. By Thursday I never hear from him again, he never texts or calls.

So now I’m being ghosted by guys who are punching well above their weight (& you know I never say things like that! – I am glad to have a bit of confidence back.) It so happens that Saturday the ex post something on FB about being free so I decide to message her… She tells me that he was draining on her financially, mentally & he was also physically abusive. Yeah right… OK I dodged a major bullet here!

#IBD4U

So I haven’t really got anything significant to say about anyone in particular to write a whole post of them… Not dating isn’t great for a dating blog. However, there is a little to say – some of it makes me so sad & others just piss me off…

Tom Cruise / Tom Cruise 2: Remember this guy? I dated him twice both going into the abyss… I was even on a podcast in America & I talked about this guy… I genuinely believe this guy has a drinking problem, so I am not fussed about it but when I get a message “How ever you choose matey” randomly one night, I am reeling about it. I’m with a fairly new client at my little business & she doesn’t understand the magnitude of this guy messaging me. I am going on & on about it, but she doesn’t seem to be helpful about a reply.

Now we all know what this message is, right? It’s the ambiguous message that they send in the hopes of getting a reply, but also no harm done & nothing lost if they don’t get a response. If they do happen to get reply & it’s negative, they can pretend it wasn’t meant for the recipient & not feel stupid. If they get a positive reply, they can see what’s up & maybe start things up again… It’s a carrot message. Dangle.

So when I get away from this client, I race home & I message another friend & she says something about a Pirate… Oh ok! Is that what he means? I have no idea… So I write back to Tom Cruise “Walk the plank m’arty” & he replies, “We don’t know each other dude” I am bored & as you know in the texting post that I’m not texting anyone anymore on a regular basis, so I cheekily reply “That kiss felt like we do…” His response comes quicker than I expect “What kiss was that baby” Oh god, didn’t he just say we didn’t know each other?! He says he doesn’t remember the kiss & I ask why he is messaging & he says that it’s because he likes me. I’m like whatever dude to I get snippy “So much so, you don’t remember kissing me!” He pretends that he doesn’t know who I am, but his number is saved in my phone for this very reason & my number is clearly still in his phone too – though he denies it… So is he trying to tell me that he just typed in a random phone number & it happened to be someone he’s dated before?! Is he joking?! I swear I have no idea how I keep meeting these dickheads.

He asks if I liked him, I say that it’s hard to say because he ghosted me. But he also denies that saying I deliberately parted ways with him… Hmmm, really?! That’s not entirely how I remember it… But ok, it’s interesting to see their point of view. He tells me that I am “Hot AF” but I am not playing this game, he didn’t even know who I was 10 minutes ago… He asks why we’re not together & I just send back the ghost emoji.

He says that he wants to take me out for a decent dinner, I ask where is decent & go to sleep. The next day he says after we’ve sent a few texts about a fancy steak house & me pretending to be vegan, then he says that he has no idea who I am. He says that he was pissed so I say “You just typed a random number & invited them to dinner?” he says “Whatever babe, catch up soon” I don’t reply to him…

I hate that when I start talking to him, that I do sticky tape back together the life I pictured… Not really, but you know what I mean. I overthink & daydream about what could be, about what could have been, about what will happen… If course none of my day dreams every come true, but this is what my brain automatically does…

Max : has a lot of stories in the blog… 12 in fact… He has tried to reach out before since we ended but I wasn’t interested, I guess… But now there is a song that keeps coming up on my Spotify, from a new band that has covered an older song, that reminds me of Max. I message him & wonder if he’ll write back which he does after a while, he tries to guess the song for about 4 messages then never replies after reading my message telling him that it’s a cover of an older song… Rightio. I guess I deserve that, I did tell him at one point that I didn’t want to be friends with him – but that was at a time I couldn’t be friends with him. I guess, that’s done for him now… I will put it down to momentary insanity to thinking I was more to him that I thought I was…

Eastwood : has a few stories too… One night, I am wondering what happened with this guy, when I message he says that he’s been busy, so I say that I’ll just leave him to his busyness. He reads it then I never hear from him again. Righto… I don’t know what happened here but there is clearly something. I go through all the snapchats to him from me for him, M8 & Plumber & delete everything that I had saved because I don’t want them having photos of me when they just dangle the carrot when they’re lonely. So now I have no evidence of anything I talk to them about like I used to keep everything.

See what happens when I am not texting someone every night, I start doing the carrot type message just to have someone to talk too… This is why I just stick with what I have – it is what it is… & I will now actually stay single – even though I’ve said that 100 times, the below update is really the reason why…

We do message a bit more a few weeks later when someone we work with messages to say they have cancer & I ask him why he didn’t tell me. We message a bit & for the next week he replies to my snaps stories, but clearly not back where it was or will it ever be.

Again I had initially had that little day dream that this guy, being we used to sit next to each other at work that now he’s single & because we matched that we would be that couple that have a meet cute story of working together then meeting years later to date & be partners… Again my little daydreams are just that, a daydream. Either I self sabotaged it & put something out there in the universe or whatever, because none of these daydreams ever come close to being what I think they will be.

J-Lo / Jo-Lo 2 / Update: I’m really sad about this update & it’s hard to write about when it’s so fresh. This is why I used to write retrospectively so I can get over whatever has happened, so I can reflect on it. But sometimes that’s even harder, because then I have to relive it 6 months later… But J-Lo didn’t write back to my last message where I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to rehash what we’d said, I was trying to explain how I felt when he ‘drops in’ to my house for a cuddle & he was explaining that he thought I was having ago, which I wasn’t. So since this, I have no messages from him, I haven’t tried to reach out but he looks at every snapchat story, then I notice the one day I really need a friend & realise that I really have none, is the day I have to go to court with my neighbour over our fence – I realise that J-Lo has deleted me from snapchat.

Well I guess that’s it from him, that’s a very bold decision/statement & sends a very distinct message of ‘I never want to speak to you again.’ I was waiting for it to all blow over, I know I said in my previous post that I was sort of glad it was over because it was semi toxic… Well this is also another reason why I post retrospectively because that was how I felt at the time when we were having a break from talking, I didn’t think it was the end & I didn’t think he’d delete me, plus he saw my snap that I was going to court that day…

You know what’s kinda funny, is even though J-Lo isn’t a huge part of the blog in stories, he was a huge part of my life & I genuinely always assumed that he & I would end up together – someday… That’s if he left his partner before Marvel’s wife leaves him… J-Lo & I know so much about each other & we did withstand a lot & were brutally honest with each other, so I am 100% shocked at his deletion of me about something I think is so small & petty… I felt like he would be the only one that could understand my feelings for Marvel & be the one to show me real love, since J-Lo knows everything I’ve been though. He would be so patient, knowing it will take some time… I guess I was wrong. So very wrong…

I guess he is done. That’s it. He’ll say he just deleted it, but I call bullshit because he chats to his kids on it. He deleted me, he made a bold choice because we didn’t talk for a few days, he deletes me. So very wrong!

#IBD4U

If you live in Adelaide, you know it’s big in size but really it’s just like a small town, right. Everyone knows everyone… You get used to it after a while, when you say to a new colleague that there you know a person & they say that they know them too. Or you add someone on FB & they have 2 mutual friends with you… You get me right?

When I started in my new job (almost 2 years agao now), a colleague was friends with someone who used to housesit my house when I travelled for work in my previous job. She had told me she’d been to my house & met my cat but her & I had never met really until I started working with her. & we’d also been to the gym together… Funny right?!

When I started netball, I didn’t know anyone because I was getting back into it so by the second season, I was placed with women more my age. One of them – get this, works in the same fucking building as me – which isn’t a big building in the southern burbs, at a different organisation to me. Of course, even though we play together every week, we never see each other in the building.

What do you know! One day I see her in the halls & we laugh about how we’d never seen each other this whole time until we acknowledged the fact that we are in the same building. So hilarious right! How many times has this type of thing happened to you?

After 2 years in the same job, I walk out of work at around 5:00pm, another businesses exit is directly opposite our exit so it can be awkward when someone walks out at the same time & you walk down the hallway to the carpark – especially as a munchkin I walk slower then they hold the door you do that dicky run to not make them wait for you.

Well this night I leave & a guy walks out – Stranger, it’s Valentines Day – so I have a single rose from a colleague who got flowers that he didn’t want… I instantly think Stranger is cute but he reminds me of Marvel & wished I didn’t have a flower – as Stranger will think I am taken… WTF, where did that come from?! The fact he looks like Marvel isn’t surprising or unusual… I mean tall guys with dark down hair & a unshaven face/beard are a dime a dozen, look around, they’re everywhere! I see one that reminds of Marvel almost daily, so I don’t think anything of it. But this dude sticks in my mind…

It’s a bit like Marvel’s real name, why is it in every fucking TV show! Like EVERY TV show or movie… Or is it just that I notice it now?! Probably the later right, the name has always been around – it’s fairly common, but it never meant anything to me before… Bit like guys with dark hair & beards… Never thought they were attractive or noticed them before but they’re fricken everywhere!

So when Stranger & I walk out the door together, we smile an awkward smile & then we walk down the hallway together, also awkwardly, then him holding the door for me, I say thank you & we walk different ways to our cars. Nothing exciting right. I happen to see him getting in his car & I drive past & go home. Because I think he his cute, I think this is a bit like Crush – the guy who I worked with in the same building & never spoke too but always bumped into at every fucking lunch break… I didn’t speak to this guy, we just do the polite smile thing & that was it.

I think that I should ask the chick I play netball with what Stanger’s name is, she has left there & working somewhere else now, but she’d know who he is surely?! Hehehe… What a fricken creep. I am not dating & definitely don’t want to date a Marvel look-a-like I work next too. I’d never do that unless, perhaps I keep seeing him around the halls, then I might take it as a sign? REALLY?! As if… This is me, so like I ever would.

The next day, I weirdly notice Stranger’s car as I drive in & park. Why is that? Why does it stand out to me now? Who the fuck knows… I am such an idiot or probably because I didn’t know who drove that car so I didn’t care & now it stands out. A couple of days later, I have forgotten about him having just been for a job interview & finding out via email that I didn’t get it, so I decide to go work from home – I’m pretty pissed. As I am leaving I see my only real colleague arrive so we stand & chat for a while. As we’re standing there, guess who rocks up!

As his car is pulling in, I say to my colleague “This guy is kinda cute, but he reminds me too much of an ex.” She is a lesbian so when she sees him she says he’s cute, I think he must be good looking. We continue talking, he walks past saying nothing to us, going into the building. I do notice that there is no wedding ring – why do I do that?! Nothing exciting or unusual about that interaction right? Nah, just the fact that I have never seen him before & now twice in one week in close proximity…

Later that night, I am on my little hobby business FB page, I’m scrolling & Marvel’s group page always comes up for me as a suggestion. I admit that since I found it, I look at it & try to work out which posts he’s posted – I sometimes think I have it figured out & then other times I haven’t. Since I unblocked him recently, he now comes up in the comments with his real profile, having tagged two people.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!

I click on the first profile, I realise it’s his brother, so I click on his picture – even though it doesn’t have his last name, I know it’s Marvel’s brother. FUCK. My mouth drops to the fucking ground! I look up at myself in the mirror & say “Are you fucking kidding me?” my dogs stir from their slumber, thinking who the fuck is she talking too… I look at the picture & really cannot believe this… But it’s fucking STRANGER! I swear on my dogs lives, you cannot make this shit up! What the actual factual fuck!

I literally cannot stop laughing about how fucked up my life is… Imagine if I still had Marvel blocked & had the guts to talk to this stranger guy… I don’t really know how early you tell people your last name when you date, but that would be an even funnier story right… Neither of us have our last names online. If Marvel was blocked I wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary on his friends list. Lucky we never got to date (hahaha like we were close… Geez!)

Now I’m also intrigued if Stranger knows who I am? Does he know I was his brother’s Mistress? Does he know my name, what I look like? I mean men don’t really get into the stalking, or do they?! As far as I know Strangers wife wasn’t very well liked in their family, so I don’t know how close the two sister in laws were to share my picture around & if Stranger got involved?! If he does know I am the apparent homewreckong whore, would he tell Marvel?

Marvel had told me a few months back that Stranger was getting divorced & it wasn’t a good situation as in the ex wife lying about her income for more child support & not allowing him to see his kid etc… I remember lying there thinking “Well fuck, you’re definitely never going to leave!” If Marvel is watching his brother (aka Stranger) struggle with child support & custody of his child, then Marvel won’t want that for himself even more than before…

Fuck!

What do I do now? I decide not to tell Marvel, what’s the point… I mean technically, he’s only shown me his brother maybe once? I honestly didn’t know who Stranger was until I saw the comment on FB so I am just going to leave it… If I see Stranger ever again, I will just smile & be polite as I do with anyone in the building…

Wouldn’t it be funny though, if I did date Stranger & was at a family event… I don’t think I could do it if I knew but just imagine if we didn’t know… What a shit show of a movie scene that would be… I know that I wouldn’t be able to sit opposite Marvel – if his wife didn’t scratch my eyes out first – & not fuck him with my eyes, even if I was at a point that I was in love with his brother… What a fucked up situation that would be… It’s never going to happen but this is just hilarious when I thought there wasn’t going to be any more blog posts, this type of shit pops out at me!

#IBD4U

In December I see Marvel only 10 days after major abdominal surgery, but fuck it’s worth it. We don’t message each other after he leaves, I am too stubborn for that, clearly he is too… Christmas comes & goes… A new year… His birthday is coming up when I finally hear from him.

Unlike Marvel he actually sends me an unsolicited dick pic before logging off for January. I don’t hear from him again… I am being stubborn & think I’ll hear from him the week before school goes back, he’ll send a message to initiate the chat to catch up being that there are only 2 days in January that will be left for us to have sex in Jan (remember we’ve fucked every month since we started up again) Finally when I don’t hear from him, I send him a message with my availability for those two days & it sits at sending for days.

Overthinking goes into overdrive. He abruptly left me hanging earlier in the month, maybe she caught him & he’s not online anymore? Maybe he’s dead? Maybe he did the Samsung update & his phone was wiped, therefore he can’t remember his password to the chat app? The anonymous app we used to use has basically been deleted so I can’t stalk that anymore to see if he chats to me on there. Maybe they broke up? Nah he would come crawling to me right away if that happened… I literally think up every scenario…

Insomnia kicks in for various reasons, I’ve had a mini fight with J-Lo as you know & my vagina has been angry from no sex. I’ve also been dealing with this surgery not healing properly also trying to renovate with dickhead tradies & so I’m just fucked off. I cry. I cry for the first time in 2 years… I’ve taken off my lashes also because I can’t find a good lash tech, so I cry.

So with this insomnia, I realise that I have Marvel blocked on everything. Maybe he’s trying to find a way to contact me some where else?! What if he is?! I go to instagram & unblock, he’s posted 4 things. One of them is from a trip he took interstate… Maybe they moved to be with her parents?! I mean I’d seen him 4 times since he posted the picture but maybe he just couldn’t tell me they were planning on moving? I go to my snapchat & unblock – nothing interesting there. I head over to FB & I unblock him but leave his wife safely blocked.

Upon unblocking him on FB, it’s all the exact same, I can’t click him to add a friend (not that I would). There is all the same pictures available but I do discover his group/page. Remember he told me after we were over that he had a FB page. Well I find it (which I couldn’t fucking find when he told me about it) & I stalk it. FUCK. I hate this – what does this stalking achieve?! I want to click ‘like’ but I just check it daily instead, like an actual factual wanker because I don’t want him to know I have found it & am looking at it. This is tragic #IBD4U, get a life.

Literally 4 days into this fucking spiral stalking meltdown, he messages & says that the chat app is fucked & offers up this week to see him. Are you fucking kidding me… I am such a fucking wanker. Fuck sake – he just had fucking app issues…

Now remember last post when I said there was more to the Rob Rob story… Well he always says stuff to me about Marvel, like asks if I’ve seen him & if I have he always asks for a exact description of what happened, which I used to give him some additional details so he could jerk off to it… Towards the point of the L word with Marvel, I didn’t share as much, so since then I just give him snippets, usually more about positions & that’s about it.

Rob Rob doesn’t understand why I will fuck Marvel & not him. They’re both in the same situation right?! Rob Rob offers his cock for riding when I say that I haven’t heard from Marvel in ages & don’t know what is going on with him either… Rob Rob doesn’t get that I NEVER wanted to fuck a married man, I am so against cheating. Yet somehow due to falling for Marvel & poor choices following the demise of that love, I have been the other woman. Not a fact I am proud of. So I choose not to engage with married/partnered men in sexual activity, even if I’ve fucked them before – Marvel the exception to that choice. While chatting & talking sexy is considered cheating to some people, I am not as pedantic when it comes to what is cheating, having spent so much time on the chat app as I have in the past, I do understand the need for texting so don’t necessarily call that cheating.

One day I do decide to meet Rob Rob, which he insists must be at his house… I would be happy with a coffee shop but he says it must be his house. He has small kids & puppies, his house smells like dogs & I smirk when I see a bunch of kid stuff & dirt juet swept under the TV cabinet, like he poked it under then knowing I was coming. I rock up knowing that he will try to get his dick out given the chance & that he will try something, which he does, he tries to kiss me multiple times. One of his dogs is sitting on my lap, which I am grateful for. The conversation is a bit strained, I know because Rob Rob wants more, trying to hold my hand or lift my long skirt to see a bit of leg… But I leave, not without a scuffle to get a kiss from me before I go.

I owe no loyalties to Marvel. Especially after the way he’s treated me. I have in the past had sex with other men, I am not going to deny that in the last almost 6 years that I haven’t had sex with others, of course I have. But I don’t want this with Rob Rob because of his wife & kids. At least Marvel’s wife knows what he’s done to her in the past & to be perfectly honest, she must know what he’s been doing for basically the last 3 years too… Rob Rob has the chance to do the right thing by his family… To leave & find his happiness or stay & be faithful as much as he doesn’t want to be.

I fell in love with & became best friends with someone so unavailable that it killed my heart to end it. I don’t ever want that again. I am not willing to put myself out there even if its just sex to another married man or partnered man. Rob Rob has always kept his distance over the years we’ve talked. Rightfully so! So I don’t see why it’s a struggle for him to see why I don’t want anything with him, a physical connection is out of the question. I am not getting caught up in that with someone else ever again. I struggle to explain it but have to over & over because Rob Rob doesn’t get & literally becomes so needy.

But back to Marvel… Within two days of Marvel being back online chatting to me, he is giving me three options when to see him next. I accept & see him on the first day he gives me, as if I want to wait…

After we have sex, for the first time in a long time we chat. Ironically he tells me about his FB page & I have a look at it while lying next to him, knowing full well that it’s in my search history & he talks about the posts & team of admin he has helping post daily. I mention that the name of the group is misleading to the content & laugh about the FB profile picture it has. I’m surpised, when I look (ok I stalked) later that night, the name of the group has changed & so has the profile picture with a note saying that the name of the group no longer serves the purpose it did 10 years ago when he started the page… OMG. Are you kidding me…? It makes me smile so much, I didn’t know I had any influence left with him besides my vagina. But clearly I do…

We also talk about the chat app & how shit it is now, with ads & bots all the time that he says he wants to chat to me via snapchat instead… He says he has it hidden on his phone & that he can chat to me there… He also tells me that I keep coming up on his tiktok – he says he doesn’t watch my videos, just scrolls past them when I come up as a suggestion – I call BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. As if he’d just swipe my videos away – to be fair they are basically always of my dogs, but what a load of crap that he is not looking when I come up as a suggestion!

Usually, he’s only at my house for a maximum of one hour, but when he gets up to leave at that hour mark, I remind him that he’s not cum yet but he says he’s soft & I tell him that I am sure I can get him hard again, he gets back onto the bed & lays next to me just kissing me & says in less than 30 seconds that he is hard again. Yeah baby, I’ve still got it. Just from a kiss.

I haven’t been writing notes or recording dates & times of when he is over my house like I did before, to create a timeline. These times exist only in our memories now, I don’t have a minute by minute description of what we did & what we do, so this is a bit of an unusual post, but it’s also the first sex I’ve had in a long time that made me feel wanted again & the thing that fucks me off about that is that it’s not the sex that I liked about the two hours he spent at my house – I mean, of course I liked the sex & I came so many times – but my favourite part was when we talked & at one point his hand rested on my back or when he rolled into me to cuddle a bit.

I don’t deny this is dangerous territory, we know our limits now. I know he has love for me as I do him, I’m not sure he’s in love with me like he was but I know that we love each other. This man was my best friend & god if I could have that back, I would accept it in a second. But I am ok with the intimate moments where we let down our guard a little & put them back up when it’s over…

I don’t know what the future holds for Marvel & I. I don’t know what the future holds for me at all… All I know is that I am so much happier not fighting for a mans attention, like M8 or Eastwood – who I know is single, who seemingly liked me. I am much happier not texting someone every day – I miss it of course sometimes.

#IBD4U

Those of you that noticed, there wasn’t an update about M8 in the previous update blog! That’s because he probably doesn’t deserve any more air time, but he didn’t fit in that post… It was already way too long & this one has turned out longer than expected too!

After he does the minimum amount of electrical work that I have to do at my house, he stops talking to me. We send snaps every now & then but it’s not regular & I try not to engage in it too much because he’s back with his baby Mumma number 2. Or so her tiktok tells me… Why does she keep coming up?! I do not get the stupid app.

I still need electrical work done & I work out in my head that with M8’s hourly rate he’s been charging me, that it would be about another $1500 worth of work so when I am quoted $2000 from another electrician, I just go with this new company… During this time I wait for the other electrician, I see that M8 is out with our mutual friend every fucking day, washing her car, mowing her lawns – fine I don’t care as they’re friends but I am waiting for this shit to be done with a fucking light hanging from the carport (which actually triggers my safety switch & I have no lights for 2 days!) & willing to pay him for the work, yet he chooses to wash her car for free!? Then he’ll post on snapchat asking for work… Is he kidding me?

The other electrician actually ends up only charging me $900 & when I tell M8 he tells me that I am nuts & he would’ve done it all for $200. BULL FUCKING SHIT MATE! As if… He’d charged me $600 for about 4 hours worth of work so there is no way he would have charged me $200 for all the remaining work. Anyway, I don’t care, it’s done & I didn’t have to worry about a dodgy light out the front anymore & I don’t have to wait.

As the reno is nearing the end – well the major construction part at least, I do ask M8 about my roof because I have had so much trouble with the builder that I decided to get an independent building inspector & he had sent me pictures of all these broken tiles on my roof… Why are there broken tiles?! There shouldn’t be. They have also just fixed it with silicone! I message M8 to see if he saw it while he was up there, but he didn’t… The only time he was on my roof, I was here, so it couldn’t have been him. But we message about how shit it is & I can’t believe that this is happening! The builder sends a roofer so all was sorted but so annoying!

One day after my surgery to fix my stomach skin overhang, I send a pic on snapchat with a midriff top – I admit I will never wear this out in public & in the pic I am wearing slippers. M8 replies & says that I look sexy, he wasn’t looking at the slippers. I say that I’ll take that & he says “lol truth”, I reply “Says the man who ran out the door quicker than he came.” Now I realise when he didn’t write back how he took that, that he came quickly… But I just meant that he ran out the door so quickly.

I assume I’ll never hear from him again but one day he asks if I’ve found a concreter & that he has a friend who might do it, when I send him the drawing of what I need, his friend says he doesn’t want the job! OMG. I have been quoted $47k for this job by Concreter, who can just say no to that kind of money because I originally asked for coloured concrete as I thought it was cheaper?! I’m in a mood & its a full moon, that I tell him that every tradie has ripped me off & he says that he didn’t… I want to tell him that he did & made me feel like I paid for sex but I just put my phone done & go to sleep.

In the morning, I think fuck it. I tell him that I don’t do one night stands & that I have never fucked a tradie doing work at my house. He laughs. Righto… I tell him I felt like I paid for sex & he says that he didn’t see me saying it wasn’t good. What’s that supposed to mean, I didn’t imply that & he says that he thought “I was pretty good” I said that he was out the door before I could move my legs so he tells me that he’s never done that before – which was slept with someone he’s done work for… Why do I find that hard to believe!? He’s a smooth talker, he knows how to get what he wants.

I say again that I don’t just sleep with people once – yeah I’ve done that it the past but I hate that about me. He asks if I want more. I said that I wouldn’t have done it in the first place if I knew it was only going to be once. Which I have said in his story, there was something about this guy, he really drew me in. He says that “I would of kept doing it just didn’t know where I sorta stood” He wasn’t sure if I was keen or not… How the fuck do guys not know? Or is this a line? I have no idea at this point.

When he says that it was good sex, I think & say that I didn’t even get to suck his dick & he tells me that I still can, there’s nothing stopping me! He tells me that he’s only ever had one girl that is good at it & she spat. He says again that he just thought I was looking for a root… I tell him that I wasn’t looking for either & definitely didn’t want a one night stand. He says sorry & that probably the offer is gone now. I should say that yes he’s missed his opportunity, maybe cheekily tease him but for some stupid reason I just say “I like you. The offer is still there” I am never good at these games.

We sort of dwindle out talking that day – which has been all day & then I post a photo of some drinks. He asks if I am getting drunk, which I am not… The chat gets cheeky about wearing a dress & no panties… Why is that always a fantasy?! He thinks I am drunk, but I tell him that I am not as I texting perfectly. I do admit only to you that at this point, I was having to delete the letters a few times to make it perfect! Hahahaha.

He says that he’s going to come over but then never looks at my message, I don’t know where he lives exactly but over 10 minutes with no reply, I am going to go to sleep if he doesn’t come over. 5 minutes later, I get a message saying that he’s putting the kids to bed, so I just say if he can’t come it’s all good. But he says he’ll be there soon (he lives with his parents, he didn’t just leave his kids home!) Another 35 mins he says he’ll be 10 mins… His car is so loud when it pulls up over an hour from when he asked if I wanted his dick & I think about my fucking neighbours thinking what a skanky hoe I am letting a boy come to my house at 11pm on a Sunday!

When he gets to my house, we sit outside chatting for a while. I offer to pour him a drink I just opened – that I didn’t really want but thought he’d have a drink then we’d have sex. But he doesn’t drink due to losing his licence. We chat for a while, it’s easy but he talks a lot & I don’t say much to be perfectly honest with you. He talks about his kids & our mutual friend & then we kiss – I don’t know what time it is but his fricken car alarm which is the horn goes off & he has to go outside to turn it off… As if my neighbours didn’t need any more information for their case against me being a slutty hoe.

When we kiss it’s hot & I end up straddling him before we move into my bed room. Because I haven’t been playing netball since my surgery, my nails are looking amazing, I must run my fingers down his back because he tells me not to scratch him, I ask why & he says something about his kids seeing. I think nothing of it. I suck his dick of course which he loves, – tell me to look at him when I do it… He never goes down on me & says something later about how he doesn’t do that…

When I put the condom on, he starts fucking me, being quite dominant & it turns me on a bit. While he’s fucking me, I try to move & fuck him back but he tells me to stop moving or he’ll cum… I guess I am not a starfish & that’s what he wants?! He makes me cum & he cums too… It’s good but not epic & thankfully I don’t squirt.

After we finish we go sit outside, to my surprise & given the hour, he sits & talks again for an hour. Like he talks the whole time about child support, why he has his kids that are here from the country – never once does he mention the baby, his new job, our mutual friend… He talks & talks & talks.

I don’t hear from him again – he had told me that he was going away in 2 days to start FIFO again, so when I notice a hickey, I think I will just tell him & he says “haha” – well I guess that’s it then… It was another fucking line that I fell for… I know I am stupid, but this is just beyond anything I have ever fallen for before… But a couple of hours later he asks if I did enjoy it & I say that I did & that only one thing could make it better, he asks what & I say not using a condom. He sends back “hahaha lol.” RIGHT.

Then when he’s away he posts a covid positive test. Fuck, I have been a little sniffly all week & when I saw him, so I take another test as the one earlier in the week was negative & it’s fucking positive! I have been off work for 6 weeks & go back in 3 days & now have covid! Luckily my symptoms go away so I can return to work.

Her tiktok comes up so much when they’re back together, why is that? All her stupid actually terrible dance & lip syncing videos – one of my friends ask me for her tiktok to look & says that he looks like her dad in their seemingly recent trip to a hotel – which of course warranted no less that 5 videos on how much they can pose together in the hotel mirror. There is also a fucking video of her with a mask on posted a couple of days ago too… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? That’s obviously why he didn’t want scratches on his back. They’re together & one of them gave me covid, not the other way around…

At the end of January 2023 he messages about the concrete again, but his friend never replies even though he could’ve asked them first, then messaged me but he messaged us both at the same time… Weird… I try not to give too much away. Then he asks me about the cameras that he set up for me, asking some questions but I test him by saying did he want to come look at my cameras – but it Australia Day. I am white girl wasted. Like off my head that the next day I don’t remember a lot!

My messages get so weird that I’m not surprised I don’t see him but also he’s with his baby mumma so whatever. But I keep reminding him that I am too old for him, that he’s got other offers, he tells me to stop when I keep saying old skin, old cunt, stale & old. WTF #IBD4U. Put your fucking phone down! Luckily he doesn’t write back & I pass out with all my doors open & unlocked & the dogs spooning me.

A few weeks later he replies to a snapchat of me in the mirror & we chat for a bit but that dwindles & I am done with this… Done with men in general. The loves of my life, are next to me sleeping…

#IBD4U

No one really deserves a post of their own. As you know my dogs are the loves of my life. I genuinely don’t need to worry about messaging boys or trying to find my partner. I can look at my ring finger whenever I think I want this & see their paw prints tattooed on that finger that I always assumed would be decorated with a diamond engagement ring followed by a wedding band. A symbol that I am loved… I don’t need it, I know. But I wanted it. I wanted it for the longest time.

The dogs however, have made me very anti social. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see other people, I just want to be home with the dogs. I used to be the type of person who went to EVERYTHING. I was always the drunk obnoxious idiot, probably trying to find someone to sleep with & snapping at them when they didn’t want too, thinking that this could be the night I meet the person I am going to be with.

Most of my close girlfriends have gotten boyfriends so I barely see them or they have distanced themselves for one reason or another, for the first time in my life I don’t need validation on how many friends I have etc.

So when the boys I’ve been talking to dwindle off, I am weirded out because for the last 16 years, I have basically been texting someone – with the view that it was going to be something, but then they disappear.

Eastwood was messaging me one night before Christmas, I’d just had fairly major elective surgery, so I was in bed & he’s snapchatting me obviously drunk but at a pub sending pictures of the dance floor. I am thinking this guy is off his head – I have thought for a while that he has a drinking problem & I am now certain he has a drinking problem, he is always drunk. No judgement, I get it, I was there once in my life before.

The whole time we’re messaging, I’m thinking “Do not offer to pick him up. Do not offer to pick him up. DO NOT offer to pick him up…” I seriously don’t know why, but next minute I am in my car picking the fucking idiot up. He’s messaging but says he’s walking home – seemingly with no money to catch a taxi. I tell him to turn on his snap maps so I can see where he is. Fuck, why am I doing this? He tells me that he almost got hit by a train & I seem to put my foot down, making my shit box car go a bit faster to get him, I tell him to sit down & stay still… He sends me a snap of someone’s front garden with all the Christmas lights & I tell him not to touch the display – I can just see I’m gonna have someone’s fucking reindeer in my car & I tell him to sit down. I figure I’ll be able to find him that way… I finally get him to turn on snap maps so I can see where he is & what street at least, it was where I was aiming for but at least I can find him easily now. I pull up & he’s sitting on a retaining wall.

Eastwood stumbles the three steps to my car, getting in, he reeks of booze & kisses me hello. I kiss him back & instantly I am taken back to the times I used to do this for Boyfriend. I always was happy for him to go out with his mates & always thought what an amazing girlfriend I was for picking him & his mate up – who had to be home by midnight & I always wondered if I was more like his mates girlfriend, giving boundaries etc, maybe I wouldn’t be single? Those two are married & still are 16 years later… Don’t dwell.

As we drive home, he touches my leg & we talk easily. He’s always easy to talk too… I drop him home, pulling into his driveway, he leans over & kisses me. He’s a good kisser, I’ll give him that, but his dog is going mental, it’s almost 1:00am & so I tell him that he should go, he of course invites me in… I want to go in but I tell him I have to be up early – which isn’t a lie. When I get home he’s messaging me telling me he’s coming over to mine, getting in his car & coming over. I spend a while watching his location but fall asleep. In the morning I see no messages from him but check the motion sensors in my camera as they went off, but he didn’t come over, hopefully he just passed out… I don’t think this guy is my forever, I think he is interested in someone he works with anyway.

After that night, the chat dwindles to nothing. He usually replies to every snap chat story I post, which is usually daily. But I start getting nothing back & I am a bit meh about that, I didn’t want to stop talking to him or stop seeing him really, I mean it was what it was & I guess it ran it’s course. I often think I should just message & say “you’ve been quiet” but he knows where I am & I’m sick of being that loser that chases the guys all the fucking time, for a minute of their time. I had explained about that night & why I didn’t go inside with him, but it makes no difference.

Plumber is another who has dwindled into thin air & I’m not upset, besides the fact I just spent $400 on an actual plumber to do one of the jobs this guy said he’d do for me. So Plumber will message & be consistent for a few hours then nothing for weeks. I’ll get a snapchat every now & then & he looks at all my stories as well, but when we’re chatting I ask if he can come move the tap, he says yeah next weekend.

Next weekend comes, so I ask when he can come – oh funny but he doesn’t read it or click on my message but continues to stalk my stories. Fuck you wanker. This is from a guy who constantly tells me “If we were together we’d have a pretty sexual relationship” & will then tell me about all the things we’d do, also says that he’ll do things to me when he comes to do my plumbing work. I call his bluff again & say that he can have that he can have me if he was single & his reply is “one day #IBD4U one day”… Like fucking hell we will. He even says to me at one point “If I was single I would be with u… but u’d push me away and annoy me with silly things but weed be together I think” LIKE WHAT?! This guy has the audacity to say I’m confusing – maybe I am, but why the fuck does he think we’ll be so great together, yet clearly doesn’t want to leave his partner. I don’t delete people because I like to see how long they will stalk me for but this guy needs to go.

I post on my story showing the tap moved etc as I think this will prompt a snap message from him but it doesn’t. It’s probably for the best, this guy is majorly confusing & constantly dangling the carrot that there is something there for him, when clearly there isn’t.

Someone you haven’t heard about in a long time is Maloo… He was a guy from a long time ago that found a partner, had a couple of kids & now he says they’re not together but his sister still tags her on FB posts. So who knows. I am not getting involved. My feelings haven’t changed on this one, he is the sweetest guy but physically I am not attracted to him & he also had his chance before he met the woman he had two kids with & he didn’t take it.

Anyway, he’s been messaging quite consistently & like Plumber, says shit about what it’d be like if we were a couple… Like are you kidding me. I guess the thing I find interesting is that I used to start overthinking & planning our life that we might have if we were together. Yet as much as that stupid overthink day dream isn’t something I want – it clearly is just a fantasy for these two. They’re in relationships with people they don’t want to be with but are too stupid to leave for whatever their reasons. I’m not judging of course because I understand what it’s like not to let someone go, even if you don’t like them. I try not to engage to much with Maloo on chat, but he sends snaps every day.

Rob Rob is another guy who has become someone I am happy to chat too, but its really changed dynamic. He used to be this dominant type of guy in my DM’s but now it’s like he’s so needy for my attention that it just turns me off, in a way. When I don’t write back quick enough sometimes, he’ll then spiral & ask if I want to delete him. He’ll ask why I don’t just block him if I am not interested.

He wants me to fuck him so badly, but I am just not interested. Not only do I not want to fuck married men – even though I have had in the past sex with him, I am just not that into him or so attracted to him that I am willing to put myself out there for him – I don’t want to get mentally hurt again, as it would 100% happen.

He does ask me something intriguing & that is if I would ask him to leave his wife. The answer is the same as it was for Noodle… I would never ask them to leave. As much as I wanted to beg Noodle back then to leave her, I knew that he had to leave without the idea that I would be there – I wanted no resentment if we didn’t work work out. & look Noodle chose to stay – maybe because I didn’t beg him, maybe because no matter what he wasn’t going to leave, who knows… I don’t know what Rob Rob’s deal is but when he says that he’s not happy, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him because I’ve never entertained the idea…

Recently though his neediness is unsexy – because he’s obviously not getting from his wife what he needs sexually or emotionally now so he had me at one stage for his jerking off fantasies, he’d call, he’d jerk off & in a moment of weakness he’s had me physically. I guess he was getting a bit from me emotionally at one stage, particularly when I was in a terrible place after the Noodle saga. But now I am realising that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when his wife isn’t around or when she’s sitting next to him on the couch not touching him as apparently she quite often does when the kids are in bed. As much as we talk about it, he just doesn’t 100% get it… More on this in another post!

J-Lo well… Fuck me this guy has been a constant for so many years. We’ve chatted about so many things. In December he rocks up at my house one morning & I am not in the mood to “cuddle” with him. He doesn’t get it either, he doesn’t get what he wants from his partner, that doesn’t mean that I am the back up. It’s awkward as he tries to get me to go back to bed to lie down with him, but I say no & he says he has to go. Imagine how long I would’ve got a cuddle if he was needing to go.

Later I try to explain to him that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when he wants too & he snaps at me that he is not going to be my punching bag when I am in a bad mood… Rightio then, I didn’t realise that expressing my feelings about being second best when he has time was making him a punching bag… I genuinely wasn’t having a go at him, I just just trying to remind him about the day he came over when I was emotionally unstable & didn’t want him to hug me, but he did & I cried, then when he got what he wanted he jumped up & left. I was left alone & feeling even worse than I was… Now I am a strong woman so I picked myself up after that & moved on, then didn’t cry again for my usual 2 years or so, but deep down that scared me.

At this point, we haven’t spoken for a few weeks, I am sad about that. But to be honest, I just whinge about how fat I feel & how much it sucks to be single & he whinges about how little sex he gets & how much child support he has to pay. It’s just become an unhealthy daily chat that is a round-a-bout of the same topics over & over again… I have genuinely missed it but if I am honest, I haven’t also. As much as I value this friendship we seem to not give each other what we want…

So there you have it, an update about the men I’ve written about recently. As you can see nothing has changed with them, but I think that I have changed dramatically. I am not willing to be some side piece for them when they feel like it & clearly they don’t like this side of me. The side that realises I deserve much more than they are willing to give me.

#IBD4U

So I want to do an unusual post, not actually about dating but to tell you that I have actually found the love of my life. How have I found the love of my life without dating? Well everyone with the stupid cliches were right, it happened when I least expected it. It happened when I wasn’t thinking it would.

It’s very strange me to actually, I know that I was in love with Marvel & that was absolutely epic at the time so it is so strange to me that there’s something that I love even more than him, something that gives me so much joy, something that actually provides me with love, with loyalty, with no thought of themselves. Something that loves me back, I can actually see the love in their eyes, I can feel it when they touch me.

I didn’t & still don’t think that there is only one love for us. That there is just one perfect person, I think that people can come & go in our lives. That we have some loves that change us & some loves that rock your world spinning it off its axis, if you’re very lucky you’ll get both from the same love.

It’s surprising to me that it actually took me so long to admit this or realise who the love of my life actually is, after all the dating, after all the heartaches & the heartbreak. I also didn’t realise it’s the only reason I ‘well up’ when something happens, I think about life ending together or think about them dying or think about anything happening, I think of them & I can actually feel myself getting too sad.

I can’t even put into words exactly how I feel & exactly how much my life has changed. They came into my life about 2 years ago, after being fired from my job, a job that I loved, that I was good at but was being bullied & harassed on a daily basis, that I started my little business, to kind of escape that & to stop taking to boys online due to not texting anyone. I was basically trying to keep busy, working really hard at everything I was doing, including looking after my health. I was writing my blog consistently back then too because I was dating so many people all who dicked me over in some way…

Then, my whole world is spun on it’s axis, it was love at first sight, I’ve never experienced anything like it before… I get the call that there are two puppies available for me, I always wanted a brother & sister pair but most breeders won’t let you have two… This was an accidental litter of a breed that I wanted so badly too… This was meant to be! I met them when they were just 36 hours old. I had spoken to the breeder the day they were born & arranged a visit to meet her & the little as soon as I could.

They were only tiny, tiny little puppies. Both of them fit in one hand. There were like little rats… I met their Mum & dad, I met their human breeder mum but I was about to be their real mum… A dream is coming true. I was smitten immediately. I wasn’t working at that time, so I was able to go out to their property & see them every week, I was so lucky that I was able to watch them grow, watch them learn to walk, learn to bark, learn to play & eat, turning into the beautiful little 8 week old puppies that I was able to bring home with me.

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you. I have never really been an animal person at all. I’ve got a almost 16 year old cat, who I got as a rebound from Boyfriend but she’s a bitch & we really don’t get along. I personally think the RSPCA fucked up giving her to me, she almost didn’t pass the test to be rehomed (this was back in the time when they euthanised animals that didn’t pass this test to be rehomed, I think.) I was a first time cat owner, also a first time pet owner. She shouldn’t have been given to me! She’s recently bit my finger so badly that I had to get a tetanus shot, my hand was so bruised & battered, that I can’t bend that finger, even almost a week later!

But…

My dogs.

My God, my dogs have changed my life. They have changed my life like you wouldn’t believe. In my house it’s usually completely spotless, something Marvel used to say to me – that my house is too clean. Well it certainly isn’t clean now, with their hair & their freaking toys, the bones, the scraps of beds all over my lounge room but they have genuinely changed everything about me. They have made me feel so safe, let’s not pretend, when they were puppies & I was adjusting to them & toilet training, especially when you’ve got two the same age, from the same litter & one pisses over there & one pisses over here, at the same time can be so frustrating, considering I still had carpet.

I genuinely think that I’m able to be single now & completely content with not chatting to boys because it doesn’t matter anymore, I’ve got two things in my life that I literally adore, things that I take to doggy daycare, that I take the dog park, that I take to the dog beach, that come with me on Christmas day to my sisters… They are spoilt rotten! They get everything that they ever could possibly want.

My boy dog looks at me like he adores me, my girl dog loves me, I know that, but she just does not have that same look. But they are always happy to see me, their tails always wagging & they do this thing where it looks like they are smiling at you. It’s so fucking cute. They groan in their sleep when they are content, they both like to touch me when they are sleeping…

I just love them so fucking much… I recently went away for work, I was chatting to M8 consistently then, then he just went quiet. The dogs were staying a someone’s house who I didn’t know, but I’d found on the Facebook page for the breed. I was home late two night & because I am doing a renovation, I decide that they can stay there two nights. I have to come home without them being here. The house is empty. The house feels broken.

It makes me realise, having being dicked over by yet another guys this year… That they are the love of my life! I genuinely think now that I don’t need to worry about finding a man because I’ve been loved. As you all know that was my biggest fear – dying without being loved. I’ve feared that I was never going to be loved by anyone & I know that regardless of what people say Marvel loves me, I can see it… I still see that, not quite like it used to be but I still see it. I feel like a weight on my shoulders has been lifted… I don’t want to be talking to any boys, I don’t want to be investing my time with someone who is just going to waste it.

It makes me sad that I am not going to have a partner in my life, it makes me sad that my puppies are the love of my life, but I am ok with it, I now feel like I can have a life without a partner. I always knew that I could, I have done for basically 16 years, the only thing that will destroy me now, is the death of a family member or the death of my dogs.

Since this realisation, I booked I for a tattoo… I didnt know what I wanted but now I do. I want 3 little paw prints on my wedding ring finger. I’m now well into my 40’s. I’m 100% never having kids, I’m clearly never getting married so my reminder everyday that I am loved & that I am loveable is on my finger. A finger I expected a diamond to be on, is now tattooed with the cat & dogs paw prints. This is also my reminder not to download a dating app when I feel sad… So far – it’s worked.

This is probably the weirdest post I’ve ever done, I would say mainly because who has the love of her life as a pet. As two pets in fact. There’s no one else, these two don’t ghost me, they don’t act like they’re too busy for me. They always want to see me, they always want to be touching me or be near me… which lets face it can be annoying, but they are the cutest! So from now on, they are the loves of my life – I have great friends but to be honest I am wanting to spend more time with my dogs than with friends. I’ve still got Marvel for sex, for now. So this is it for me.

#IBD4U

You know it’s a very odd feeling not texting someone every single day & every single night. I know this may be a foreign concept for a lot of you, especially those in relationships before texting or before social media but for me, the last well – I suppose the last 16 years, it’s been something that I have consistently done. There’s been a boy of some kind on the scene, whether it be from online or from somewhere else, (I mean there are so many that I never wrote about too, some that I never met them) but I have literally had someone to text with my whole single life. When one stops messaging, there is always another one waiting to take their place.

So this weird feeling since the ending of M8, I haven’t been texting anyone & I am not looking to text anyone… It’s really fucking odd for me & I know that some of you, like I said, will not understand this need, this feeling, this void. It’s the only way to feel justified, it’s the only way to feel fufilled in a loney single life.

When I think about the time I have spent in over a decade, texting for fuck only how many hours & how many times I prioritised texting with someone, particularly Marvel, when I should have been doing something else. Like study or like socialising with actual humans face to face not digitally, I am scared to think how many hours I have wasted in my life! & this is about when a wave of loneliness glides over me & I do the unthinkable. The thing I think will be the last time doing this because I will meet some… I hit install on a bloody dating app!

So I download an app, I spend either way too much time on a profile or no time at all. It makes no difference because they only look at your picture anyway but sometimes I put in effort. I start chatting to some boys – some that I’ve spoken to before – some that I’ve dated before, ultimately they talk to you for ages, put in a lot of fucking effort & then do what every other boy has done before & ghost.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I don’t need to be completed but I want somebody compliment me, to sleep next to me every night, to go out with, to be my friend. I don’t text my best friend’s everyday. So I don’t really like starting off a relationship with excessive texting because you know that it’s going to dwindle out when you start hanging out as a couple, then I’ll probably be missing the texting & look for that again.

Yeah it’s fucking lonely, it is so fucking lonely, that texting when you’re laying in bed, feeling a bit shit about yourself, therefore feeling a bit sorry for yourself & so the texting makes you smile. For those in a relationship perhaps it might be like the conversation with your partner making you smile when you’re sitting in bed together. I am sitting there with my phone, making my eyes so sore I need new glasses, so I am giving it up.

I have basically text boys almost every night of my entire life. I have the same thing happen over & over again & yet somehow I still find the strength to put myself out there again, only to have the same thing happen… Why is that, I am genuinely asking you why is that?

I have also asked guys that I’ve dated in the past or spoken with J-Lo & Rob Rob are useless, they have no clue why guys keep doing this time me. I had been chatting with plumber to do some plumbing work for me, he talks to me fairly consistently, so I ask him what happened when we dated 2 years ago & what happened when we dated 7 years ago in his mind. Because for me, he ghosted me twice for no reason in my mind. Besides my overthinking brain, that I’m ugly, that I’m fat, that I’m bad in bed, which he says none of those are true.

Plumber now has a partner who he’s been with since I saw him last, but I figure I can maybe get an answer here, get some perspective. He says that his mind wasn’t in the right place when we dated, either time so that didn’t help us either, but he said something interesting that when we dated 2 years ago, I kept saying to him that I wouldn’t sleep with him so he thought I meant ever again & decided to ghost me. WTF?! We’d already fucked thats just fucking dumb, however I was going to make him work for it. But then a few weeks later we talk about the topic again & we talk about what happened the first time we had met & the time we did have sex because I don’t really remember it.

I genuinely asked him he says that it wasn’t just about sex for him then he made a really good point – he said essentially that I wasn’t affectionate enough. Something he needs (as most people do!)but he thought he wasn’t going to get that from me. WOW. I am not a very tactile person especially when I have no clue what the guy is thinking, whether they even into me, if they want me to touch them etc… Guys literally jump up after we have sex & run away, how can I be affectionate?!

I mean I struggled to be tactile & affectionate with Marvel. Marvel was somebody I was deeply in love with, somebody I was also infatuated with, that I could not get enough of but yet somehow, when we sat in the car together on those Tuesdays nights, I couldn’t reach over & hold his hand or touch his hair or face… I struggle to show affection, even when I knew Marvel was in love with me. He still would go home to someone else…

I guess this is why I like texting. Why I do better with men when texting & then it all goes to shit when we meet? Because I can be cute & put myself out there, because I’m hidden behind a screen, it’s not face to face. It’s easy to hide & take a risk because they can just write back “lol” or nothing & it doesn’t matter…

So when I am not texting anyone, I feel a void & it makes me want to download Tinder to find that someone to text. I am not even sure if I want to date anyone, I genuinely want someone to text… Is that weird? or is that just the way of the world now?

#IBD4U

I’m an overthinker. I’m an overthinker by trade. I overthink every little scenario. Any little thing, I overthink, no matter what. I think about the positive scenarios, I think about the negative scenarios, I think about the outlandish ones, the more tame ideas… I don’t, of course tell any guy I’m seeing about this – especially the every after fantasies, but I do obviously tell my friends my ridiculous ideas which is when they tell me to “just go with the flow,” I do go with the flow, but my mind goes with the wind, the rain, the stars, the sand, the sea… It goes in every direction!

Because of this burden, (& it is a burden! I fucking hate it) I can justify anything. I can justify anyone’s actions. I justified away why Marvel stayed with his wife. I justify why every guy has done whatever they have done to me. I have been able to justify it. Sometimes blaming them but mostly thinking what is wrong with me.

I mean, I’ve got excuses for all these people. I give them an out & so when they come back & do exactly the same thing to me again, I can justify that too.. Why do I do it? Well it’s a compulsion, I think I like to think up the good scenarios, the rom com scenarios that I hope will happen to me, that never do.

For example, I didn’t put all this in M8’s post because I am not going to justify his actions. I could have said that he was busy or that it was his birthday that weekend, then it was Fathers day, a really hard day for him. He even told me that, our friend even told me that. Maybe that’s why he’s my quiet while he’s away, I know I am not the same person while I’m away for work so perhaps he is hating it. Perhaps his mobile reception is bad so he can’t message as much as he has been.

I can literally make up an excuse for every thing as to why guys don’t message me like they started off messaging me. I start as I intend to go on or I would tell them, I haven’t really ever ghosted anyone that I was involved with – either catching up with, sleeping with or consistently texting. But you know what, excuses – they will be in your life, just depends on how we deal with them, how we overthink them.

I’ve been told so many times & I just ignore it now when a new guy says it to me, that we have a great connection, but we have this or we have that but you know what, I’m so desperate – I hate that word, but for lack of a better word, there it is. I’m so keen for that relationship, for that partner, for that somebody to share my life with, that somebody to make decisions with & to travel with, to do renovations to my house together & all those kinds of things. I am so keen that I am in love with the idea of being with someone, so I am able to just justify anything they say & their actions that I will overthink everything.

I think that M8 was one that I was actually hurt the most about, because it happened when I least expected it. I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way. I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches & actually want to spend time with me. Then telling our friend how much we’ve got in common. I guess it just hit me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it. I also wasn’t expecting to get along with him as well as I did… I wasn’t expecting chemistry, I wasn’t expecting a spark. It’s been such a long time since I had a spark with someone, that this ending really hurt me. FUCK.

I guess also I felt it with Eastwood as well, even though there was not that kind of pulling chemistry with Eastwood, I guess I thought with the two of these guys in particular & even with Concreter I guess, that we started out as friends, with no expectations of being a couple, but then they all went to shit, even though I dreamed up a perfect life with them.

I wonder though & this is a full spiral overthink – on Snapchat I don’t really use it for anything besides a few pics & usually filters with the kids. You get a little smiley face when someone is your best friend & to be honest, you have two chats with someone & they are your best friend. After a few days of chatting it can become a yellow heart which means you are first best friends with the person – this happened with Eastwood. After 2 weeks it can become a red heart to say that you are best friends for 2 weeks… This is about the time that Eastwood backs off… He tells me to find someone else while I’m away for work. Was it a test? Or was that his way of getting rid of me?

Maybe guys don’t get the passing of time, Marvel told me that our second affair was only weeks, when it was actually months. So perhaps the red heart alerts Eastwood that he is into this deeper than he wanted? M8 & I have a flame next to our names – this means you’ve sent snaps to each other consecutively for however many days. We get up to about 12 or 13 before the little egg timer shows & I send him a snap. I get us up to 15 then give up. In my head I’m thinking we can say at our wedding that we’ve snapped each other everyday since we became friends (I mean as if I would say that, but it’s the stupid scenario I have & I’d never had a streal before.)

I can overthink until my brain explodes. I overthink until I can’t sleep. I want to be able to cry, I want to let out some emotions but I am a stone once again… After I said I love you to Marvel, I cried a lot easier, pre I love you I wasn’t able to cry. I am back there… There is nothing a man can do to me now that can hurt me. I am untouchable.

#IBD4U

However, I am back to the drawing board for an electrician who I won’t get a tingle of feelings for & won’t charge me a million dollars. Fuck. Why did I fuck him… I am so fucked off… I have only slept with 4 people this year & that includes Marvel – a slow year for me but I haven’t wanted to meet new people or be adding to my number, which is up there around the ‘holy fuck’ range.

After a few days of me being dramatic & overthinking about this one, I send him a happy birthday message on the Saturday, I get a thanks back & he posts on snapchat asking people what they’re doing. My overthinking optimistic brain hopes that’s aimed at me, but probably not so I ignore it.

M8 messages the next day to ask how I’ve been on the Sunday afternoon, I don’t want to reply straight away, but I can’t help myself, I wait a bit, reply & then head to my sisters but he replies instantly that I am sucked in but I don’t reply as quickly as I had once done with him & I am careful not to write too much… We chat a bit that week & a few snapchats, I know it’s not back to how it was nor will it ever get back there but I feel like it’s not all lost… I mean he is about to have a fucking baby with someone else…

Um so yeah, I don’t really understand TikTok, I’m old, but I have it, I get addicted to watching shit on there sometimes for hours, other times I forget about it for weeks… But it’s a period of time where I am watching it a lot. M8’s ex girlfriend – if we can call her that, lets call her his most recent baby mumma, keeps coming up on my TikTok as a ‘for you’ video… WTF?!

I am not usually the type to stalk – as you know, this isn’t the first time she’s come up but I watch this new video which is a filter of a old photo, scanning a circle over a recent photo, so it’s one of her pregnant & one of her not pregnant, I click on the comments & M8, along with other creepy looking dudes have commented, M8’s comment it “still taste the same” which he wrote on the Sunday that he was messaging me… FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!

I look though some of her other videos, because I am now down this rabbit hole & he hardly has commented on anything of hers, even all the videos that he’s in when they were together or the ones of her crying after they broke up… She mainly has stupid dance videos & her in lingerie asking if she’s sexy, of course there are comments galore from weirdos (or perhaps people she knows?). However now all the recent videos, have an kissing face emoji from M8… URGH! This is why I don’t stalk, FFS! It’s not good for my mental health… Well at least I know what happened with this one! Even if he still messages me. I’m not your fucking back up plan!

Needless to say I found another electrician, to do the towel rails that M8 just seemed to refuse to do… I will see what else happens with this guy though – something fucking stupid inside me tells me not to write him off just yet, I do have a lot of other electrician work that has reared its ugly head with this reno, so I may be able to get him to do some for me at a cheaper price!

A couple of days later our mutual friend asks me if I’ve heard from him, I say sporadically & she says that his pregnant ex has put his car up as her profile picture & is now in a relationship on FB – he’s not on FB. So at least it’s confirmed that I don’t need to wonder what happened here… But fuck it still is fucking hard… I mean, he fucked me a week before getting back together with her – that doesn’t make me feel good. I mean he saw me naked & then went right back to his 19 year old pregnant girlfriend that he’s broken up with twice… I mean I must be so fucking hideous. I mean his GF has a hot body – even pregnant, but she’s a young attention seeker (lingerie on tiktok all the time) & has braces, short brown hair, she’s super skinny… I am not, no matter how hard I try, I am always fat… I never move from this weight, while everyone around me does & gets boyfriends. I am just gonna eat whatever & get fat again. What’s the point of all this effort?!

I think this one’s kind of hit me hard & I feel so badly about, was because it happened when I least expected it, I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way at all – except as my electrician… I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches, actually wanting to spend time with me. Telling our mutual friend how much we’ve got in common & telling me all the time how funny I am, how he likes hanging out with me… I guess it just took me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it or wanting it. But I felt so comfortable with this guy, more comfortable than I’ve felt in a long time… I mean he met me when I was like looking like a bridge troll & he still wanted to hang out with me…

But I guess the 19 days (yes, shortest infatuation ever!) it took since he came over to have a look at the job for me, to when we had sex, I was played… I was played like a fucking fiddle! I should have known better, I should have stepped away, I should have left it as a kiss… I shouldn’t have even let it get to a kiss… FUCK!

#IBD4U

I have instant disappointment. Fuck. I lay there unable to move with my hands over my face, willing my legs to move. He asks if I’m ok, I say I am, because I am, I just realise what a fucking mistake I’ve just made. I don’t regret it, I never regret anything, it’s the choice I made in the moment, but I wish now that I had of resisted! This is fucked. I hate this feeling… How do other women fuck a guy & end up being in a relationship with them, I do it & they run away before I can even stand up… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I get up & get dressed, even though I can barely move my legs. I’m feeling like a fuckwit. An actual fucking idiot. I was played, by a guy I genuinely didn’t think would play me. Fuck, I’m so stupid. Like this is the most stupid I’ve ever been… Why would I think this guy wouldn’t play me?! After everything I’ve been though, how could I think this multiple red flag dude wouldn’t play me. Maybe because our friend also bought into the fact that he was keen…. FUCK. Anyway he hugs me goodbye at the door, it’s not a brief hug, it lingers but it reeks of I got what I wanted & he leaves literally less than 2 minutes after he came. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am stripping my bed of my soaked quilt cover from my squirting all over the place, when there is a knock at my door… I am shocked to find M8 standing there, looking all casual & cute, a million things go through my mind about what he’s doing back here. Maybe he’s feeling guilty, maybe he wants to make sure I’m alright, maybe he decides he wants to stay. This could be my rom com moment – when the guy leaves but then comes back because he realises that he’s made a mistake.. NOPE! He comes back because his car won’t start & he says that his car battery is flat & asks me to help him push it out of my driveway. You’ve got to be kidding me right? Only my fucking life would rub the salt in the wounds… I do, of course, push the car out to the road but as soon as it’s on the road, I go inside… That is just the perfect ending to this fucking shit story! You fucking wanker #IBD4U.

To my surprise, though he messages me shortly after leaving asking me something about the clothes line, to continue the banter. I laugh thinking maybe it wasn’t a mistake? He is still keen on the banter, on talking to me, on messaging me… Or is this part of the charm?! He says he got the stuff for the rest of my job too. I don’t reply because I am at my little business… But just as I am finishing up, I get a message “hey hey.” I apologise for not replying to either message then we have back & forth banter until I fall asleep at 11:00pm. I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t come over for round 2, or why he was in such a rush to get out of my house… Especially since he lives with his parents…

J-Lo has an opinion of course, I mean I don’t think anyone is going to be worthy of me in his eyes, if I think about it, but I still go to him for advice. But he seems to think that M8 is heavily into drugs… Now I’m not innocent, so I can pick up the vibes that someone is acting weird, but there is no weirdness here… Also our mutual friend is an ex addict & her ex is still fucked so she’s very anti drug, so I don’t think she’d be friends with someone heavily into hard drugs… I’m sure he smokes weed, most guys do it, especially those guys into cars.

But when I send a picture of his car to J-Lo, it sets him off… J-Lo is even more convinced he got fired from his $150k FIFO job because he’s on drugs & he has a druggie car… Whatever that means… He’s like no one quits those type of jobs to live with their parents… So I ask our mutual friend & she says that he’d just had enough of it & has a casual job here but because he used to earn so much money, that’s what he wants to be paid here in Adelaide & he so he’s just doing casual work. I genuinely don’t get the drug (or hard drugs on the regular) vibe from him.

I had told M8 I’ll be home around 11am on the Tuesday, to finish off… When he doesn’t say if he’s coming or not, I wonder if I am supposed to message him or if he’s just going to ghost me but as I’m preparing my smoothies for the week, he just appears at my door. No kiss hello. No hug. No touch. So I guess that’s it, it was just sex for him, he got what he wanted, there will be no dinner dates, I guess… I just go about making my smoothies & let him do what he needs to do. He’s so fast. Like if he worked this fast when he started the job, he would have done the job in about 4-6 hours. Instead this is day 4. He’s only there 2 hours saying he’s got to get shit done before he goes away tomorrow…

There is a bit of banter but my boss sends me a weird email which throws me off my good mood axis at work. I struggle with a lot of comments at work due to my previous work experience, as you would expect, I have a PTSD of sorts from all the bullying & bullshit! So this reply from her telling me I didn’t provide constructive feedback, makes me think, well neither is your feedback… Anyway I sulk, this thing I built up in my head with this guy isn’t going to be what I’d started to hope & work is so up & down…

When he leaves, there is a bit of long hug, which hurts my neck again & I don’t hear from him again. No text. No snapchats. Yeah well done #IBD4U. I guess if he never talks to me again, I won’t have to pay him… Fuck. I’m actually a bit cut up about this one though. My usual practice is to ignore them & they go away, I let this happen with Eastwood, I let this happen with pretty much every guy. So I decide I am not going to let it just go, I text him & I ask him why today was so awkward. I also have a snapchat story which he looks at almost instantly but then he finally replies to my text 2 hours later saying that today wasn’t awkward, he just had shit to do. I decide to leave it. I understand the brush off, I’m not a fool… I am never good at the chase & clearly no one ever wants to chase me. Another one bites the dust I guess.

The next day I get a text “why so quiet” which makes me smile when I see it on my watch… Wanker. I say that I am not quiet & just try to get back to the banter & chats that we had before we had sex. This is fixable. But the chat is strained & sporadic. He doesn’t reply to a lot of the questions I ask like how’s work going or where is he. – knowing he’s away in the sticks for work but not sure where… He also says he’s been busy or that he was driving… Yeah right! He fucking text & snapped me while driving when it suited him… On the weekend we send snaps consistently as I’m building my now tool bench then nothing. Crickets.

But then I get texts like hey hey. The next day the same, snaps full on for a bit then nothing. Later that might I get a text “good day out“. I ask is that a statement or a question, he says both but he doesn’t try at all to converse with me at all, it’s gone from multiple sentences per texts to one word statements. Whatever… I knew it was stupid of my to get my hopes up with this one or anyone…

One Sunday night, we’re chatting, I say I’m in the bath, a clear invite for some cheeky chatter with a boy, right?! But he says he needs to send me his bank details, which he does, I pay & the conversation doesn’t go further. He looks at the snaps I send but doesn’t reply, leaving me on read. But then sends a sunrise pic the next morning. I reply but don’t get one back. Our mutual friend says he’s doing the same with her. Maybe things will be different when he gets home… But it is his birthday on the Saturday & Fathers Day on Sunday (which he hates cos he can’t see his kids due to the witch – she’s an actual witch apparently selling sage & doing spells!) He did quit his FIFO job because he hated being away so maybe this trip away is just getting him down. I know I am a bit different when travelling. Marvel always said so, that I was different when I was away for work, maybe it changes a person? Or maybe I’m an idiot.

#IBD4U

So I have fucked up – Majorly!

Foodland #1 & Foodland #2 are not written about the same man! FUCK! I genuinely have no idea who Foodland #1 is to be really honest with you, but he was someone I worked with at Foodland obviously but I can’t even picture who it is in my head reading back on it & at which Foodland, being I worked at a few. But the guy I wrote about in Foodland #2 – is a different guy that we need to discuss now! I never worked with him but he was friends with everyone I worked with at a different Foodland, because he went to school with all my friends… So what the fuck, you don’t know the story of Foodland #2 part one, so I need to go back in time & remember… So from now on, he will be called Plumber. (Are you confused?!)

Fuck, I’m confused! This is confusing. So forget about Foodland #1 – he is a stand alone story that never should’ve had a #2. However, Plumber is in the story for Foodland #2. It was the second time I dated Plumber, it was exactly as outlined in Foodland #2. However lets revisit what actually happened the first time I dated Plumber. I don’t recall a lot of it – obviously, I forgot to write about the poor bloke & I’ve dated him twice – including having sex with him! So it’s not going to be a in-depth story, but I’ll piece it together for you & give you an overview so we can get on with this story. It’s important I right this wrong, because – Spoiler Alert, there is more to this story!

So I assume I meet Plumber online (7 years ago in real time!) I can’t really remember where we start chatting or how but we worked out how we knew each other, from around Foodland (Which is why I thought he was Foodland #1). Because I know of him, or he knows people I know, I assume that he’s not some sort of serial killer or whatever, so I invite him over to my house. We watch a movie that I already had on – otherwise I make them pick the movies because I don’t want them to be sitting there hating what we’re watching.

I remember I was tipsy & it’s why I don’t recall much of this. But usually after I date someone, I write some notes. I had nothing on this guy… I know we have sex & he gets up to go right after & ghosts me. Yep they old “I-got-what-I-wanted-so-bye” trick. I think we do talk again a few years later online but he ghosts me shortly after, we didn’t meet up that time though. I don’t remember the ins & outs.

In the last 7 years I have matched with him 3 times. So the first time when we had sex, another time when we just chatted online & via text, I think this is when he tried to add me on FB but I never accepted, he was sporadic with his texts & we never met at that 2nd encounter. It basically dwindles & we just stop talking. Then about 2 years ago the Foodland #2 story happened & he’s followed me on Snapchat ever since, just like Motocross did till he deleted me & like every other guy I add has… They don’t chat to you, they just watch you story, mildly stalking you.

So onto what should be part #3 for this guy – Plumber. I don’t know how we started chatting again but we do – I’m not online, so I think he just starts replying to my snapchat stories & I engage in some light conversation, he has a girlfriend (not that he tells me that, she’s on his FB profile – his request is still in my FB notifications) & so I take every opportunity to remind him. We also talk about what the fuck happened, both times we’ve dated. So he’s recently told me that the first time – at my house, I basically wasn’t affectionate enough & that’s how he knows his prospective partner is interested in him. The second time, the movie date where he famously made me hold his hand even though I didn’t want to – probably part of the affection thing too – he tells me that he thought I would never let the first time (him ghosting me after sex) go because I kept bringing it up & giving him shit about it so he thought I would never have sex wit him again. RIGHT.

He also tells me that he wasn’t in a great head space when we went to the movies but I call bullshit because he got a girlfriend 5 months later, who he is still with right now, 2 years later! So yeah, that doesn’t make me feel fucking good at all! So very interesting though – his idea of what happened, I genuinely thought we were having a laugh the night at the movies when I kept joking that I wasn’t going to sleep with him because I didn’t want him to ghost me again. In his mind, he’s thinking I am not into him because I won’t hold his hand & I keep bringing up the past. Then when he does ghost me the next day, for me, I am proven right & then validated as to why I didn’t fuck him & that he is just after one thing…

Interesting how he can tease me all the time about not remembering the night we met the first time. I mean it was 7 years ago & I was tipsy, so of course I don’t remember. So he makes jokes & teases me, reminding me, sharing tidbits about the night. About what I was wearing, about how we had sex, like what positions etc. But I am going to get upset that he is having banter with me? No, because it’s funny. So why the fuck was he so sensitive about me doing the same thing to him?! Plumber tells me he remembers that we watched some British movie. (I must’ve been more than tipsy!) He also tells me that I fell asleep on him.. Did I really?! I don’t just usually fall asleep unless I’m super drunk, which means I probably was & he just left! Oh what a gentleman! I wish I wrote notes about this date, it probably would have saved me some trouble!

So as part of this renovation, I want to move my hot water unit & of course Plumber has offered to do it… When he comes over to have a look, I can’t put my finger on it… I don’t think he’s the type to take drugs but maybe he’s nervous, his sort of grinding his jaw & won’t look me in the eye… He has a look at the job & then tells me I have a gas leak. Well fuck. I actually smelt gas this morning actually, which I just tried to ignore, he says that he can re-pipe the house, that he’ll work out the price & text me. The price is only $600 or so, so I get him to re-pipe the house. He drops off the copper pipe on Friday morning at almost 6:00 am – I am actually on my way to the gym & dive past him then see him on my cameras. He messages me & I reply when I’m at the gym, saying I drove past him & he says that he was hoping to catch me in bed. What the actual fuck?! I ask what he would do & he asks if I want to know of can he just do it. I say that he’s confusing but he says that I am. I ask him what he would do if I said I’d left the door unlocked for him & he doesn’t reply!

He comes back the next day when I am at the gym to start the job & I then have clients so I am in & out all day. He is the same, jaw grinding sort of look, won’t look me in the eyes. I just don’t see him as the drug taking type of guy & it’s like 9:00am on a Saturday! He messages me while I am out if he can have a drink – he’s obviously already looked in my fridge. I don’t mind this either but it’s a bit weird… I come home & he is walking around trying to get the hot water service to work… but it won’t. I notice when he’s fixing my heater & the oven that he’s wearing a wedding ring – well in 2 years he’s fucking married her!? Jesus…

Plumber also uses my toilet without asking (not a big deal, as if I would say no, but very familiar) He even calls someone to get help with the hot water service. I have no hot water & that night I go to my sisters kicking myself for moving this hot water service! He comes back Sunday & his demeanour is the same. He spends ages trying to get the hot water service to work before he comes inside & says “Do you know that hot water service is 17 years old?”

Fuck so he has broken my perfectly good hot water service & now I have to go buy another one, which he doesn’t help me with at all… I run around on Monday morning getting one & dropping it home, thinking he’ll be there right after work, usually on snapchat he’s knocking off around 4:00 pm, I won’t be home so I race around to get it home so he can get it in & I text him. I get home around 6:00 pm & have not hot water service. FFS. I type out a passive aggressive text & don’t hit send. I just get dinner & sit there thinking about what I should do when Moody Plumber arrives. Barely says hello, stomps around putting in the new hot water service, saying how tired he is & being all snippy. I just stay out of his way thinking I didn’t ask for this, he offered & he assured me when I said I bet the hot water service will die that it wouldn’t! He fixes the new one & leaves in a huff – like it was my fault.

A few days later he replies to a snapchat story & he chat for a bit, he says something about being horny or something & I say that I’m always horny & he he says that he should’ve just done what he wanted to, to me on the weekend… I remind him that he is married, he tells me that he wears a ring but is not married… Um, yeah sure. Women do that, but never heard of a dude wearing a wedding ring without being married… We have these frustrating conversations, him trying to be flirty talking about how compatible we are sexually so I decide that I am going to call his bluff… I am feeling horny so I just write back “Come over & fuck me.” He doesn’t read it for over 24 hours & then when he does, he never replies.

Now this would normally be a cliff hanger, but to be honest, he’s not worth another post… When he does reply, I try my hardest not to message back but seriously I have a problem! Why can’t I just ignore them… Finally after asking him some plumbing advice, which he never reads but looks at my story, I delete the messages & move on with my life. I will find a plumber elsewhere… How fucking annoying!

Weeks later, he messages me Christmas day (2022) & asks if I had a good day… I fight so hard not to write back. & I bloody did it!!! Hahaha… You’ll see why soon!

#IBD4U

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s a busy day for everyone, this is a scheduled post day, so I post! I have posted a mixed bag for you because it’s too busy to settle down with your morning coffee, so here is a quick read for you if you have time. If not, read tomorrow when you’re laying on the couch recovering from too much food & alcohol!

These are really really old stories, I had written them ages ago before I ended my blog but for some reason I never posted them, I guess because my plan was to elaborate on them eventually & make the a proper post but I never did, so here they are… Some more random stories.

Pharmacy guy

I met this guy online way back in 2016 before Noodle. His wife had just cheated on him & was with the guy, which oddly they were all living together for the sake of the kid… I saw him a few times but to be honest he was so skinny & weird that I struggled to want to meet him. He has been to my house & had slept over so he could get away from the wife & her new partner, but I didn’t want to be used for my bed – however the sex I recall was pretty good even though he was skin & bones.

One other thing about this guy that always turned me off was his drug taking, he would apparently open up duromine (legal speed used for weight loss) capsules & take some out then seal them back up. Not only do I not believe him as duromine comes in blister packs but who would even do that?!

Once night he’s coming over but he’s taking so long to get to my house that I go to bed & tell him not to come, but he says that he’s in my driveway… I reluctantly let him in & I think that the first night he sleeps over.

I stop seeing him, I don’t really remember why or what happens but it’s done pretty abruptly, I think perhaps he reconciled with his wife. I never asked!

Work Mum’s friend

I think at every work place we have a work family, I guess she’s my work mum though she’s too young to really be my mum so I should say she’s my older work sister. He has an electrician who she talks too about me & he says to her that I have a sexy name, I think perhaps this could be my love story… Again before Noodle. He’d just broken up with someone though so I don’t want to get involved.

A few years later, I need some electrical work done & forgetting the sexy name comment, she recommends him & I give him a call. It takes him ages to come to my house for a quote & even longer to do the job. He was cute & I would’ve gone on a date with him, so I text him afterwards to say thanks & we did chat a tiny bit but then it dwindled out… Another romantic comedy scenario bites the dust… 

Big Red

Minding my on business one night I get a random text from a guy who keeps insisting he knows me. Saying that he is sorry that when big red & I stopped each other that he lost contact with me… I have no idea who big red is, but this guy messaging me seems to know tings about me, so either he has me mixed up or some one is sitting opposite me in the pub having a good old laugh! What the fuck… This is so long ago I don’t really remember it, but it was so funny, this guy knew my name but everything else was off… Now if you know my name, you’d see why this is so weird, my name is pretty rare – especially for people my age, so not like he could have guessed it. Also he had my number, but all the other facts were so incorrect that I have no idea how this guy got it so wrong… I had to just stop replying, it was getting too weird for me & I was starting to think I had a stalker, but he stopped.

#IBD4U

When I’m dropping off my friends Dog home, he messages “It was good hanging out with yah today haha you are hilarious” I smile like a wanker… Why do I do that?! We chat a bit & I say thanks again for lunch when he says we can eat something else if I like, then asks what I like eating. At the time I thought he was asking me out on a date, a proper date, so I mentioned that I like steak when I go out for dinner. Then he says if I’m up for it we can do something different than a burger. So perhaps he is asking me out on a date… Like a proper, lets go out date… I don’t know why that excites me so much… I guess because I wouldn’t be the weirdo that I seem to be on dates because he’s already seen me on my worst outfits & he has gotten past my awkward stage. In fact he’s still not even seen me looking good yet!

I end up going into work for the morning & wait for him to message me because the reno has been postponed till Wednesday, which is so annoying but we didn’t make a time, so I don’t want to work from home if I don’t have too, my boss has already been kind enough to let me stay home with the dogs. In the morning, I dress so carefully for work, even putting on makeup so when I come back home & he’s comes over, I can look good – in a corporate sort of way – a grey skirt, a shirt & tights. But he’s already at my house when I get there, how did he beat me?! So we walk inside together, I let in the dogs & we chat for a few minutes, but he gets started straight on working – it’s sort of raining so he keeps whining about having to get on my roof while it’s raining. I go to my room & get changed, not sure if I should close the door or not but I get into my standard Hurley track pants & my LSKD jumper then I sit down with my work laptop.

He finds ways to chat to me & sits down to look over my shoulder, to show interest, he gets close to me when there is no need, that I think that this isn’t just him actually wanting to touch me… I help him by being a sparky apprentice by pulling cords through the wall, as I had to yesterday too… He pulls too much cord though so I poke it back into the walls when he’s not looking! Hahaha.

He looks at my work emails quickly over my shoulder & talks about how fast I type, asking if I can look at him while typing me email, which I do but I have to look away because looking him in the eye, does something to me & my clit tingles. I haven’t had that since Noodle looked at me the first time. This isn’t the same. I don’t like to think any situation is comparable, but it gave me a similar -albeit less because I was in love with Noodle when I met him – feeling.

Around lunchtime M8 is hungry & so I suggest we just get something delivered but he says that we should just go get lunch again at a place of his suggestion, Vietnamese. I wonder if this the the ‘other food’ he was talking about last night over text or is he still thinking of a proper date? He walks in to the restaurant after saying just as we get out the car that his friend works here. But he’s so familiar with her, doesn’t introduce me, let’s me pay for it – or makes it obvious I am paying, I was going to try anyway but he doesn’t even pretend that he’s going to pay, so I just stand back & let them catch up. They talk about his birthday next weekend & other general shit. She hugs him goodbye & we leave.

Eating lunch back at my house, he sends hideous snapchat filter pics to our mutual friend of me eating but also those ones with your tongue out but it’s not your tongue & she sends them to me. I laugh & don’t really care, it’s pretty funny. He heads to the shops for something else but I stay at home cos I’m supposed to be working. He sends me snapchats from whatever store he’s in & he also sends shapchats while driving – not good I know but it’s an important fact to know.

He’s done on Monday about 2:30 pmish I guess, knowing I have clients tonight so need him to wrap this up, even though he’s still not finished – putting up 6 cameras shouldn’t take this long, surely! He’s only put up 4 so far on each corner of the outside of the house but still have two more to do, so he says he’ll come back tomorrow, but he has to go home for a shower & get a cable extension or something & a plug cover. As he’s leaving, almost at the front door, I remind him to cover my man hole again because he left the cover off yesterday & it freaked me out having it open all night. I start to walk out to get the ladder & he rests his arms on my shoulders sort of pushing me (not is a rude way, in a flirty way) against his body to go out & get the ladder. Once he puts the ladder back outside, he goes to my front door again, I stand the awkwardly & turn back to the lounge room & he rests his arms on my shoulders again, I put my hand up to feel his arms & he pulls me in close, so my back moulds to the front of his body…

He turns me around after a minute or two standing there, him still chatting & we proper hug, he’s so tall, I am on a weird angle, it really hurts my back & neck so I have to squirm out of it but I don’t want to stop it, however I’m getting a sharp pain in my neck. I pull away & stand away from him but he pulls me back for another excruciating hug before we stare at each other knowing we’re about to kiss…

Fuck no.

We’re looking at each other as we move into kiss…. We kiss for so long at my front door. The only thing going through my mind right now is how much I want this but I don’t want to lose my electrician! I try to push that thought out of my mind, why does this mean I lose an electrician, maybe I’ll gain a free electrician instead! I kiss him back & finally allow my hands to roam… He’s so tall, taller than any guy I’ve ever kissed before – I think even taller than Marvel. We kiss for so long, not wanting to take this further but also I do… He slips my jumper off & fumbles with my bra for ages, bending down to take each one of my nipples into his mouth… Fuck I want this, but fuck I don’t.

He walks me into my bedroom but as soon as we lay on the bed, the dogs break though the baby gate & jump on the bed, I put them out but they break though again, so I put them outside with a treat & return to him, straddling him & kissing him with my tits out saying that we shouldn’t do this… He asks why & I say because I still have electrical work I want done, but he says he’ll still do it… Of course he’ll say he’ll do it, he’s about to get lucky so like any guy, they’d say anything to make that happen. We kiss more, it’s hot & heavy kissing… He asks if I have a condom, I say yes & he takes off both our pants but I still am in my head. This is not a good idea… If I fuck this guy & he disappears, I’ll be not only pissed I don’t have an electrician again – like Daizy but I also somehow in a short amount of time I have started having a tingle of feelings for this guy, a fucking crush… Something I haven’t had in a long time or ever.

I mean there have been guys I’ve liked of course, guys I’ve started thinking about a future with them, planning in my head, but this guy, I felt like I was living my future with him the last few days… OMG that sounds dumb but there is something more here than there has been with any other guy I’ve dated, with the exception of you know who. There is more chemistry, more spark, more banter, I am more myself because I never thought this would be anything. He sees the real me… I don’t want to fuck this up… This will fuck this up…

I’m resisting so much… He’s on top of me, kissing every inch of me… I keep saying we shouldn’t be doing this & he asks if I want him to stop. I ask if he can stop & he stops & looks me in the eyes & says if you want me to stop then yes, I’ll stop. Do you want me to stop? I moan & turn my head, he kisses my neck & I grab his dick in my hand… He moans as I stroke it. He says he really wants to fuck me & asks if I want him too… I make a noise that says yes but no. Hahaha. When he lays next to me, sliding his fingers inside me, I am so surprised that he makes me squirt so much, 4 times in fact. I normally don’t squirt with someone new, I hold it in, but I couldn’t… Fuck!

He seems pretty happy with himself & rubs my clit this time, I beg him not to stop cos he’s about to make me cum again… Which I do. He says he really wants to fuck me but I joke & say I got what I wanted & laugh sitting up to get a condom. He says something about my jar of condoms – which to be honest are probably all out of date because they’ve been there so long but I stupidly say to him that they’re there because this is how I pay all the tradies. Which is not even close to true. I have never fucked a random tradie doing work at my house before…

He puts on the condom without there being too much who-ha about it, then kisses me as he slides inside me, grabs my neck & puts my hands above my head. Fuck it’s sexy when a guy hold your hands above your head. I don’t get much time to get into the actual sex before he says that he’s cum… He lays inside me for a while, not heaps long but enough for me to think just get off & lay next to me. While he’s lying there he says something about how quick he came & I reassure him that it’s all good, I’d cum so I’m not complaining. But he jumps up & puts the condom in the bin – in my kitchen, I assume he’ll come back to bed to lay down for a minute or two, just a short time – till I regain my composure. I can’t move, my legs are still shaking but he’s getting dressed. I realise he’s leaving. No quick cuddle as we come down from cumming. Wham bamn thank you mam.

#IBD4U

So I have to reveal since I haven’t mentioned him much throughout the posts, that yes I am still seeing Marvel. Once a month, we get together for a hour of passion, an hour of screaming orgasms & a little chit chat, before we go about our lives.

I know said that I wasn’t going to date in my 40’s & while that was 100% accurate information, a few of the guys in the stories this year have not been from a dating site… But yeah I guess I’ve dated Daizy, I’ve been speed dating twice, I’ve dated Eastwood – if you can call it that, I tried to date Concreter, I’ve guess you could say I dated M8.

I officially stop online dating after matching with Eastwood & haven’t been back on since. Yet somehow, people still come along when I’m not looking for someone. I get that people say that stupid cliche to me all the time, but fuck it’s never usually right… I also didn’t stop seeing men as a tactic to find someone either.

So I’m still seeing Marvel without fail, every month. It’s also like he knows too because when it’s been close to the end of the month & we haven’t caught up, he’s a bit more accommodating, saying the days he’s free, not just giving one option. He’s got a new phone, so he’s been able to come to my house, which he has done most months this year. I don’t think that I’ve been to his house once. I do wish we could go to his house sometimes, but it’s probably better at mine, much more safer.

It’s interesting how I don’t have the same feelings that I once did for him, when I see him, I now see the flaws, they’re not flaws as such but I now see past the rose coloured glasses, I guess. I no longer see the hottest man that I’ve ever seen in front of me, I see a guy who is super attractive to me, makes me cum & gives me the best sex I’ve ever had, but that’s it really… I can now differentiate between this man & the man I loved. I know they’re the same human, but we are not the same as we were. We keep our distance & that’s just how it is. That’s how it works.

Marvel often doesn’t write back to me for weeks on end & then will talk to me for a couple of messages, to dangle the carrot to so speak. I don’t know if he’s online or not during that time, but it doesn’t mess with my head anymore. I care, but I don’t care if that makes sense. Like I want it how it was but this is better without talking about our feelings. I guess my vagina gets upset & I get super grumpy, but at least I am not upset about him messaging me back or catching up with me, because I know he can’t stay away.

At one point a friend, who’s related to the one who introduced me to Concreter says to me one day “Can you please not can you please not see Marvel while you’re dating Concreter?” This was an interesting conversation for me. I said of course, because of course I would stop seeing Marvel if I became exclusive with someone, but I am not giving him up before I’ve even meet a guy or before he asks me to be his girlfriend. However, in this case, I felt it a little premature, I didn’t even get to meet this “wonderful” guy before he ghosted me for what seemed at the time, no good reason…

I’ve tried cutting Marvel out of my life, as you know if you’ve been a regular reader of my blog. It didn’t work. I didn’t have any better success at dating when I wasn’t talking to him, in fact it was worse. So for those of you that think that if I got rid of Marvel, I would find the love of my life. I didn’t speak to him for an entire year, we then were together 5 months, then didn’t talk for 5 months & during those breaks, the same thing happens to me over & over again.

So regardless of whether I’m seeing Marvel or not, at least I know what I getting from him, it’s chatting when he can – which isn’t too often & not about about thing of significance. We come together for hot passionate, steamy sex. It’s not perfect, it’s not exactly what I want but at least it’s consistent & I’m not increasing my number with another random boy. I have slept with so many people which I’m not entirely proud of the fact that my number is so fucking high. I hate that about me & I don’t want that number to go up, so I think that I am making better choices about which met I let into my vagina, yet I have the same result!

At least what I have with him is honest & at least its passionate & I know I’m going to cum multiple times that it’s going to get me through to the next time I see this guy again. I’m not saying I’m proud of what I’m doing with Marvel either but why would I give it up if he’s willing to do it. He gets sex but he still talks to me. Guys that I meet put in so much effort, get sex once & then they disappear. Almost every single guy in this blog has basically done that to me.

This year has been a dating year where I genuinely could see myself with some of the guys that are actually dated. If I didn’t have Marvel, I’m not sure I would have survived these guys this year. The heartaches (not really a break, I wasn’t that invested, but I was invested enough to be hurt!) I don’t think I would have sailed though some of this year without knowing that I didn’t have to try hard to get sex, I know that I will see Marvel, he won’t be spinning me bullshit to get me into bed & making me feel like shit.

So, if I had of cut Marvel out of my life years ago, like I probably should have, he would have always been on this pedestal. He would have always been this untouchable, unreachable, man for me, that no guy would have been able to compare too. Our perfect love would have always been the thing I compare everything else too. But now, he is not on that pedestal. There have been men this year that I actually saw myself being able to give him up for. It would hurt like fuck to give Marvel up & not see him again, but I would do it for my future & for the new person I am falling for.

I find interesting if any of you are out there judging me… Yeah this isn’t a good situation to be in, I don’t love it but you should be judging all the guys that have had an opportunity to actually date me, be with me, to actually be my partner but they for some unknown reason to probably even them, they let me slip though their fingers.

#IBD4U