Category: Love

On a recent night where I have severe insomnia, I’m not chatting to anyone online. The internet at home is so shit that is barely runs Netflix… I haven’t been playing my stupid farm game, which I played everyday for over two years to distract me from talking to boys online… I am bored… I’ve studied this week a lot already, so I don’t want to get up & sit at my computer. It’s late. This dangerous… I feel myself thinking, ‘What are you doing?’ as I stupidly download a dating app…

As you know, if you’re a long time reader, I never usually announce the name of the dating apps I’ve used, but today, you’ll know. I was on it for a record time of about two hours, I usually delete them quickly but they last a few weeks. However, this is probably the quickest.

I start my dating app journey this night by filling in all the bullshit questions – age, height, smoking, drugs, drinking, work, school, say something about yourself, blah blah blah. Then you do the verification of your email who-ha & then verification of your profile, so you have to send a picture of you doing the pose they show you – such as putting your hand on your head.

I swear at this point, I’m already an hour into my whopping 2 hour stint on Badoo. (Whatever the fuck Badoo is!) But I press on, looking for cute photos of me to add to my profile. I always follow my advice that men should listen to & have a picture of my face & a picture of my body. Then there’s no surprises when they meet me & I’m not in a thin body like they expected from my expert-level cameraman skills.

I upload one of me at my recent birthday party, one with the dogs, one in a dress in my mirror & one of me in my car – while I’m at work about to go into a meeting, with sunglasses on. On the day that this was taken, I was wearing a black dress with a navy jacket/blazer and a pair of black Oakley sunnies. My hair is down & straight having just cut it all off up to my shoulders & a pair of  Mimco studs in my ears. The background is my car & a little of the carpark I am in, the sun is shining… It’s a snapchat picture that I saved, that actually doesn’t have a filter (which in itself is also rare). I even captioned it “Corporate #IBD4U today.”

I finish off my profile & start looking at matches, 95% of profiles pictures include either a picture of him shirtless, shirtless in bed, shirtless at the beach, shirtless at the gym, shirtless in the bathroom (Some show nipples & areola, some don’t) or wearing sunnies in the car. There are even shirtless guys wearing sunnies! OMG Scandal!

There are the usual fish holding pictures, snow or water skiing pictures, the guy holding a beer – usually in a suit at a wedding (always unclear if he’s the groom or not), or a cigarette hanging out their mouth (so sexy – there should be more cancer sticks hanging out people’s mouth in photos!) Or even better when they have a beer & cigarette to show their real class & there is even a guy sticking his finger up at the camera.

A selection of the pictures above, there were many many many more! Why have you become a phsyco bitch #IBD4U & screenshotted peoples pictures you ask? Good question. It’s almost 2am & I am fucking mad!!

So I look at my profile after getting bored looking at all the foul hairy chests with nipples & men who look like they’d give Dahmer a run for his money, I notice that my picture in the car is gone. So I upload it again & go back to looking at people ‘close to me.’

Again with the boredom of the same pictures over & over from different men (I can only assume women’s profiles are all alike too, but I’ve never searched women so I can’t comment), I look to see my car picture is gone again. I don’t know how but I then upload it twice. I check. It’s there. Twice. A few seconds later I get a notification saying my picture is inappropriate… WTF!

Enter phsyco bitch!

What the actual factual fucking fuck?!

So I look closer at my photo, it’s pretty tame right… I wonder if it’s my sunnies? Is it the snapchat caption – but another picture I put up has a snapchat caption & that survived this rigorous process. I don’t have a seatbelt on & the background is not blurred, you can see in my sunnies that I am holding the phone for a selfie so it it’s clear I’m not driving. What could I possibly be doing in this photo that breeched guidelines & is deemed inappropriate.

Surely not! I click on the picture in my photo album… Under the caption between the opening of the blazer is my boobs – shock, where else would they be… It can’t be that I have cleavage showing that it is deemed inappropriate? Fuck me sideways…

So now my one semester at law school kicks in… Enter Elle Woods! Where are the fucking Badoo photo guidelines?

What a crock of shit!!!!! Badoo guidelines say they allow self expression, a bathing suit only outdoors – apparently only for women as the man in the picture I saved is indoors, seemingly in bathers/shorts/underwear. Who the fuck is the sexist prick that wrote these… A women’s nipple or areola is out of the question but a man’s isn’t?!

I have definitely not breeched the guidelines in any way at all with cleavage! Of course, there is no real appeals process, just like Facebook, they can do whatever they like because they can. There is no email address, you can’t post on their social media as they have that switched off… I message them on FB messenger but I deleted my account before they can block me. Not that I’ll ever use Badoo again – but it’s the principle!!

Adding insult to injury, they sent me an email asking if I really want to leave… Yes, you misogynistic fucking app, I do want to leave & If I wasn’t off all dating apps already, I sure as hell would delete it all now.

Honestly who would have thought that after all my years of online dating, all my years of getting unsolicited dick pics, would I be the one that breeches any sort of antiquated photo guidelines? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be in this position…

Now I use my form of self expression, just like Badoo encourage & tell all of you about my 2 hour experience of being overtired & pissed off that we live in such a sexist world where a breast created for infant feeding is inappropriate but a useless male nipple is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention the guy flipping the bird, perfectly acceptable. But shut down the cleavage!

I think I better get some sleep before I have a lawsuit on my hands…

#IBD4U

This diagnosis is a little but more controversial for me, because as soon as I say I have seen Psychiatrist & I have this diagnosis, whoever you tell says “oh yeah, I have that” which isn’t helpful & unless you have a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist, then you probably shouldn’t say anything.

I have ADHD & GAD, which is attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder & generalized anxiety disorder. I am normally a little against people getting diagnosed – especially kids because I have seen them ‘become’ their diagnosis or using their diagnosis as to get out of doing school work etc (I work with school kids) & milk it.

At first I didn’t even want to be referred to the Psychiatrist to be honest, I didn’t want to know what my GP suspected & I honestly didn’t think it was me at all… I am not hyper! I have a million thoughts per minute & I am always doing something, when I sit still, I overthink so I try to keep busy, but I’m not hyper. I have a good attention span, I get things done… But…

…I dominate conversations, I talk super fast & loud so people hear me, I will talk over the top of people when they aren’t getting to the point, I procrastinate about finishing tasks after I start them, I worry about everything & overthink to the point I don’t sleep, I am obsessive over food, weight etc & organisation (to the point I thought it was OCD not ADHD/GAD) but yet I am so disorganised also… I make impulsive decisions – which usually turn out ok, but I decide to renovate, I do it. I make it work. I decode to travel, I make it work. I decide to switch jobs, I make it work… But then I stress about getting everything done & end up getting help (from some amazing friends).

So what does this diagnosis mean at 42 years of age? Well I was reluctant to bother medicating or even doing any therapy regarding the ADHD/GAD. I mean I don’t have a life where I can’t hold down or job or pay bills, I am still a smart woman who get through life – but who wants to just “get though life” could I be getting through life better?

My lash lady is medicated for OCD & she says that it changed her life for the better.

#IBD4U

One thing I have needed to do, probably my whole life is focus on me for a bit. I have always been on the go looking for someone to love me or looking for that new job with career progression & lately renovations.

So when I finally realise with the help of my Doctor that I have to work on myself, not the outside of myself but the inside, I actually start to get proper diagnosis. Now depending who you talk too, diagnosis are sometimes helpful & sometimes not… I guess I have to wait & see what way it goes for me. However you all know I have had a weight struggle, ever since I can remember I have been on some sort of eating plan, supplement regime or some sort of prescribed drug to lose weight.

I have been so Psychologists before, counsellors & healers but when my GP referred me to a health psychologist, I googled her & I wasn’t sceptical, I was excited… For the first time in a long time I was excited about seeing someone… But her wait was almost 7 months to get into her! FUCK…

Our first session we just set the scene & history, by the second session she went though on her white board – a cycle. A cycle which I have been in for over 20 years of eating healthy, exercising – getting results & putting too much pressure on myself to get “skinny” (whatever skinny means). When she sits down & tells me I have an eating disorder & she has a plan to recover from it my first thought is ‘Fuck, how are we going to do that in 10 sessions’ (you get 10 sessions covered on a mental health care plan with Medicare) & as if she read my mind she says that Medicare covers 40 sessions for an eating disorder. WOW.

I have always said I have some sort of eating disorder, it’s not anorexia because I don’t loose weight like someone who’s starving themselves but I also am not bulimic as I don’t vomit my food up however I do have compulsions to gorge on food, particularly when I do my grocery shopping, I will eat all 4 ice creams I buy to ‘get them out of the house.’ but this diagnosis (I wish had a completely different name) is Atypical Anorexia Nervosa.

Now we all know Anorexia is an eating disorder of starving oneself & nervosa just means loss of appetite so essentially starving by intaking little to no calories daily & rapidly losing weight to a scarily low BMI (not that we should use the BMI for ANYTHING!).

Atypical anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder where you do everything an anorexic person does or thinks, including all the body image disturbances & a history of restrictive eating & weight loss, except that they are not currently underweight & can have an overweight BMI. That’s me!

So while I am only at the beginning of this diagnosis, I initially was happy to have a name for it. I only wanted a name so I knew how to treat it. Luckily for me my gut was right with this Psychologist & she has been AMAZING. While she’ll allow me to talk about shit at work & my love life etc, we focus mainly on health with little goals that most people don’t realise are a huge struggle for me, such as only weighing once a week – not daily. Eating three meals a day & planning food so I am not just eating a packet of chips when I do eat…

Very small steps but recently I found my weight watchers card when I was 21 years old & I was 64kgs, with a goal weight on 55kgs. As I broach my 42nd birthday, I know that this weight watchers card was not my first attempt at losing weight back then, though high school it was a struggle & there was always a fad I was doing. So for over 20 years, I have been dieting but not getting the results of that of an anorexic person so I never believed I had an eating disorder.

I am obviously not here to give medical advice in anyway, I am not on the same journey as someone with the same behaviours as I have but I do think that there are many of you reading this thinking, fuck I have done the same… So I urge you to get some mental health assistance because weight loss is not about the weight. There is an underlying issue for why I eat the way I eat, why I exercise the way I do & why I think the way I think…

Which leads me into my second diagnosis of 2023…

#IBD4U

Not a lot has been happening on the dating scene in 2023. With both Fisherman & Farmer having the audacity to ghost me… I am done. Like really done! I am still deep in this backyard reno (a year later), I have two very recent health diagnosis that I am working through – I should do a post about both TBH just so I don’t feel so alone with both of them, I have quit my job & starting a new one (which includes a trip to QLD) & I have moved my little lash business back home – a full circle. It’s been so busy that I just cannot factor in a boy.

But my new eye lash lady tells me that her friend met her boyfriend on Snapchat as a random add & they have been dating for years now… Well I get random adds every single day – probably because I am ‘Cheekie ******’, that I ignore, but perhaps this could be something for me too?

So I start adding everyone… Fuck it is funny. But it gets boring so quickly & I delete people so quickly! So a lot of the time, they say, “Heyy” (yes with the 2 y’s) but my reply is always, “Where from & How old?” as my standard questions that I now ask first, however then I get, “Can I see you?” What is with that? I mean I understand they want to see what I look like but about 99.9% of the time I have taken a selfie, put it in my story & they have looked at it. Which is usually my reply, “In my story, but what do you know, you’ve already looked at it.” They then say sorry or you’re hot. Sometimes I get, no I want to see all of you – meaning I need to see if you’re fat or not. Of course I also get asked for nudes too, but no one is getting that these days…

What is is the sentence though, “Can I see you?” It’s never different on snap… Why don’t they ask, “Can you send me a pic?” or “What do you look like?” I think it’s so fucking weird to say, “Can I see you?” – or is it just me that thinks that’s a weird phrase?! It’s like a universal thing for snapchat.

Another thing they will say is, “Sorry for the add, I hope it’s ok.” Well dipshit, of course it’s ok, or I wouldn’t have added you back! Then we go through bullshit about where I’m from & what I look like etc. Ironically most that ask to see me, don’t share a picture with me. Usually they are deleted quickly.

My personal favourite when they add me is, “Do I know you?” No fuck wit you don’t, you added me from quick add – which they usually deny. Sometimes they will say, “Oh you came up in my list so I added you.” or sometimes it’s like a whole bunch of messages pretending to know me or think they know me, all a ploy to get pictures etc. Another personal fav is the, “I don’t get on here much, can I have your number.” No dude, you cannot. Then there are the ones who call you, I block those who call me, do not call me on snapchat, thanks!

“How cheekie are you?” I mean I sort of ask for that, don’t I? However it doesn’t make it any less annoying! Also the amount of dick pics! FUCK. What is wrong with men… I get so many snaps with their dicks so I took to screenshotting them as they get a notification that I have done so. When they see that I have screenshotted they will sometimes ask me to delete it or ask what I am going to do with it. Then I block them. Of course I delete their ugly dick pic but I hope they think twice about spamming someone else with their cock.

Picture this – a guy sitting on the toilet (my personal favourite) in a dirty white t shirt, his fingernails are filthy as are his hands, his fairly big dick is so untrimmed, you can’t even see if he has balls & to top it off, the white toilet seat is dirty also… ABSOLUTELY FOUL! What is wrong with men. Another sent me a video if this micro-penis & his hairy asshole… Another sent me a video of him pissing in the toilet… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

If you know snapchat, you know that it also sends you a notification when someone is typing, which is fucking annoying as it means you get two notifications if they send you one “Heyy,” then you get another notification when they quickly say, “Can I see you?” (Usually without a question mark.) & sometimes another when they look at your story & then say you’re hot or if they send you their own snap – usually of their filthy penis. But when I get a million notifications one day & the person I share my office with asks what is happening with my phone as it vibrates for a long time like a call, I look & one of the randoms has sent a video – opening a video at work is always risky. But I’m pretty sure this guy did the same thing this morning. He records himself singing in his car, seemingly while driving to songs on the radio. Firstly his voice isn’t great so it’s not about that & he is singing the whole song. So I get multiple snaps for the WHOLE song & he’ll send about 4-5 full renditions of songs. Needless to say he is blocked rapidly.

I’ve barely had a conversation with any snapchatters that lasted more than a couple of chats & the ones that do talk are usually too young for me or live far away. I did get chatting to one guy from Adelaide – he was a bit of a ranting weirdo, but I thought for a split second about potentially meeting him, but he deleted me before we even got anywhere close to that anyway – which perplexed me. However I guess like I suspected for Farmer, he was probably married.

Creepiness galore when someone from the chat app adds me, which I have not been on in months & they start saying things about me that they know, probably not to freak me out but to prove they know who I am, so we chat a bit but I don’t put in that much effort, much like I didn’t on the chat app & we just sporadically chat as we did on there. If I didn’t chat to them much on there, I am not going to chat to them much on snapchat unless they put in some effort & I feel like it’s worth it to put in effort back.

So the more randoms you add, the more randoms that add you. So I get about 20 per day & I add most of them, but most of them I block within a few hours or so because of the above bullshit. So I don’t even think I am going to have a decent chat with anyone from snapchat, let alone meet someone to date! Hahaha…

#IBD4U

Earlier in 2023, when I am online dating for the last time… I almost don’t swipe on this guy, he’s doing a kiss face with sheep in his profile picture & he’s only got two photos basically the same wearing sunnies. I’m not sure about him but we message, his grammar & spelling are impeccable for a farmer, usually there are lots of misspelt words for guys & country guys are usually the worst… But this guy isn’t… It kinda turns me on a little. Hahaha.

He sends me photos of his house he just finished building & I don’t believe it’s his house… It’s fucking amazing, in a country town about 45 -60 minutes away from my house. I google image search & some of the pictures come up on a Melbourne window website – so either they were the window builder or he’s bullshitting… Does anyone remember the bullshit Motocross told me?! I can’t tell if this is bullshit or not yet…

We chat online but there isn’t a lot of banter, he asks for my snapchat, so I give it to him… We chat easily but there isn’t the funny banter or little smiles from the messages like I’ve had with other men before. Anyway he asks when I’m free, I tell him Saturday night but he says that he’s going up the river to help his neighbour & don’t offer another date.

We continue to talk all day & he sends me a snap of the sheep at about 5:30pm or so & I think, he’s a fucking lair & not a very good one because he’s clearly not up the river! He tells me that he didn’t want to stuff me around but he thought he might be home earlier but he didn’t know what time he’d be back so he didn’t want to make plans. I mean if he really wanted to meet, he could’ve asked when he got home if I was free… Men just don’t think…

He asks if I am free Monday as he is coming to town & will be on the same road as where I work, so I figure I never take proper lunch breaks, so I say yes, that we can meet at 12:00 pm. at 11:50 am, he asks if we’re still good to meet, so I get pack up & ready to meet assuming he’s already at the café. As I get in the car, he says that he’s still driving, by the time I get there he won’t be far behind if he’s on that road. But I like to be the one who walks in, not the one sitting waiting.

I am sitting there waiting like a dick, thinking he is standing me up. He is 20 minutes late at this point. If he was on the road that he said he was on, there is no way it took 20 minutes even with trying to find a park… He walks in & just sits down saying hello etc and I realise that this guy actually looks like an older version of Motocross… Fuck.

He pays for lunch for me & sits down, where we chat easily. It’s not witty banter, it’s not awkward, its just comfortable. He ordered the same as me, so we eat quickly as now I don’t have that long left. My old neighbours walk in & they stand & chat to me for a bit, which is a bit weird when you’re on a first date. We leave the café & I say goodbye to my neighbours, he’s standing at my car when I get out there, this is when it’s awkward as it’s board daylight on a Monday on a busy road. We say an awkward goodbye without touching & go our separate ways.

We talk so consistently over the next week & he asks when I am free for dinner, so I say Friday or Saturday night. On Thursday with no plans made, I notice he’s deleted his dating account & when he usually messages a “lol” he’ll follow up a few hours later asking what I’m doing or something. When he doesn’t I decide to ask when we are catching up so I can plan my weekend. He says “Probably Saturday” I am like either yes or no? not probably. He says Saturday & I ask where, he says he’ll have a think about it. So I give him an out, if he doesn’t want to meet again this weekend, fine, but my overthinking brain just thinks he’s either waiting for a better offer from another chick or he’s married/in a relationship.

Surprisingly he takes me out, says he’s wants to catch up but feels like he’s coming down with something… Rightio. We barely chat on the Friday, I can’t even be bothered, I don’t want a texting relationship with someone, he tries to be cheeky over the week, but I shut that chatter down too, again not what I want. Not what I deserve!

So we don’t catch up either day over the weekend, ironically again he is messaging me & tells me he feels ok. I tell him that I don’t want just texting & he says “Good!! Neither do I!!!!! I want someone to have a normal BF GF relationship, do things together create memories, also lots of kissing, lots of skin on skin etc etc etc……….” I mean I agree mate, but we have to fucking meet to get there! He says that we did meet once & to give him a break, I say ok & he tells me that I am hard work… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Hard work? Forgive me for wanting to see you again.

Farmer tries to catch up with me, but not really – like he doesn’t ask me specifically out & he doesn’t imply he wants to see me, he just dances around the subject & I don’t really care at this point, because I am sure he’s married… Even a guy I work with that I talk about my dating life with because he meets crazy women instantly says that Farmer is married…

Low & behold, he replies to every story, much like Eastwood did until Farmer deletes me. WHAT THE FUCK? He deletes me?! That’s just gold… Ok dude. See ya! Another one bites the dust… I had deleted my online dating profile long before he deleted me from snapchat, but seriously… I genuinely never get what happens with these men to make them delete me. I ask a guy friend at work & he says before I even finish the story that he thinks he’s married also…

Well fuck, I sure can pick em!

#IBD4U

Every year or so I jump back on online dating – usually to remind myself why I don’t online date anymore. I need to move on so this time I put the good energy out there into the universe, pay for the app for a month & match with a few people… One guy I was chatting too, that I was starting to think about meeting & he sends me a message then deletes me so I have no idea what his last message was! Oh the joys of online dating.

I match with Fisherman & I instantly know who he is… A person I am still friends with on Facebook, who was probably my best friend about 15-20 years ago was engaged to this guy fairly recently. I never met him, or ever saw her when she was with him, so I figure that it’s ok? I don’t know the rules of this type of thing, but we haven’t been close for a very long time!

I decide not to mention to him though because honestly, it’s a non issue. We exchange numbers & he wants to call me. I am not against phone calls but I spend a good portion of my day talking on my work mobile phone so it’s not something I enjoy when I am at home or during my lunch break. I also can decide when I reply to a message – like between clients at my hobby business or between meetings at work. When you’re on the phone, you can’t do much else…

When we exchange numbers, I ask him a deal breaker question. Pineapple on a pizza, yes or no? He says he doesn’t care either way, which is just a cop out answer, I make him decide & he says no. Hmmmm, I am enjoying the banter – as you know I haven’t been texting anyone for a while now & so I tell him that it’s ok, we can just get two pizzas.

Anyway, he calls me & we speak at lunch & it’s funny. He’s at work so I know that he’s told all his workmates about me & probably shown them my pictures as he keeps chatting to them too while chatting to me. He says he hasn’t shown them my picture but whatever… He asks me a deal breaker question, if when we are camping would I shit in a bucket? I ask why I can’t dig a hole & shit in that, he laughs & explains his toilet bucket, has a toilet seat so he laughs & says that I am a keeper.

We hang up & he texts to ask if I want to meet him tonight for a walk on the beach with the dogs, I change my plans with dad & tell him that I have changed times with dad, so that I can. I meet him, getting out the car with two dogs, it’s sort of hard to say a hello as a hug or anything, so we walk straight down to the beach & I let the dogs off their leashes & we walk & talk for a short 30 min walk. He tells me I look amazing & that I am better in real life than in my pictures – well I think that’s a first… When we finish the walk we stand around chatting for about 10 minutes at the car before I say I better get the dogs home, I hug him goodbye (no kiss) & he says “I’ll wait to hear from you” & I replied “No you can message me first.” Which he does not long after the date, he says that he had a good time & hopes we can catch up again. I am quietly confident about this one, for a change!

I am deep into scrubbing my floors with a bloody scrubbing brush on my hands & knees & putting down builders plastic while I am still midst backyard renovation & muddy paws, when Fisherman texts asking me to dinner tomorrow night, I assume at his house because he wants to make roast pork over coals… I don’t really want him at my house while it is like it is & I can also leave when I want too. We agree on dinner & have a few funny texts… I can’t help but smile & think this guys could be more than s flig.

About 2 hours after I got home from the walk with him, having agreed to a second date, I see that Fisherman is calling me. I do toy with the idea of just letting it go to voicemail because I am really trying to get my house in some sort of order but I answer & fuck I wish I trusted my gut!

Fisherman talks at me for 45 minutes… He told me on the walk how much super he has in his account, how his boss fucked him over with the Easter public holidays & making him permanent. He tells me all this again on the phone…. He tells me that his daughter is ‘frothing’ about the fact I am a lash tech & she can’t wait to get her lashes done – WTF, why does she know about me, we’ve been on one walk!!

He talks & talks & I am wondering if he is drunk or high, it’s just a fucking ramble of topic jumping to new topic…. He talks about the pork he’s going to cook, when I say he’s not coming to my house, he says that he lives in a caravan at his work. Oh this just keeps getting better. He talks about his previous living situation but I don’t really know how he ended up renting a room to living in his caravan. He tells me about his debt of paying off a car he doesn’t have. How much child support he has to pay – I mean I get the full run down.

I’m not going to go into the details of his childhood trauma but he talks about it in detail & starts going on about his ex stealing his therapy dog… I don’t ask but he talks about what I thought was her dog (she had him before she dated this guy from my knowledge) & when that dog died, she got another, he tells me that when they broke up she was letting him have the dog on weekends but then she got a restraining order on him… I ask him if the chick is the chick I know, saying her name & he yells “FUCK, I’m never gonna get away from her, am I? Well I guess that’s it for you & I” Um… ok! He then goes on to tell me that it takes two people to break up a relationship “a woman…. and her mother” FUCK SAKE. I don’t know why they broke up, I just know they are over & I just assumed it was because she never wanted to get married from my recollection.

I think out of all the things that he told me in that 45 minutes one way conversation, talking about exs are absolute warning signs for me that the person it not over their ex, but I think the thing that bothered me the most was that he talked a lot about his tiktok account & how many likes & views he had & how he’s trying to get paid for his posts. All the other stuff, is standard stuff – like unhealthy relationship with ex, childhood trauma, loss of a pet, unstable living situation, under employment, excess debt, child support payments – all of those things we’ve all experienced at some point or know someone going though some of that, its tough… But the get rich quick schemes bother me the most. I work hard, I work hard at two jobs. I haven’t had everything handed to me on a silver platter, but I have had help along the way to get where I am. But it’s also mainly hard work, not a quick get rich scheme.

Anyway I get off the phone by telling him that this is a lot & I’ll talk to him later. He messages me when I am asleep “Hope we are ok because I like u alot I think we r goin to click very well. Hope u give it a chance. Once again than u for a grate walk along the beach. Hope there more to come. Good night #IBD4U sweet dreams. Hope to hear from u tomorrow. Ps I bet u did a outstanding job on ya floor” OH Fuck.

The next day I get out of dinner by reminding him that my dad is coming over & I say that he’s bringing mum & staying for dinner, so I am able to dodge that bullet of him knowing where I live & also having to go to his house… We do text a little bit after that for a few days, he asks when we can catch up, I offer a drinks date on Wednesday & he says that he has no money but could do coffee on Saturday, I agree – but a chick at work forbids me to go… Hahaha. By Thursday I never hear from him again, he never texts or calls.

So now I’m being ghosted by guys who are punching well above their weight (& you know I never say things like that! – I am glad to have a bit of confidence back.) It so happens that Saturday the ex post something on FB about being free so I decide to message her… She tells me that he was draining on her financially, mentally & he was also physically abusive. Yeah right… OK I dodged a major bullet here!

#IBD4U

So I haven’t really got anything significant to say about anyone in particular to write a whole post of them… Not dating isn’t great for a dating blog. However, there is a little to say – some of it makes me so sad & others just piss me off…

Tom Cruise / Tom Cruise 2: Remember this guy? I dated him twice both going into the abyss… I was even on a podcast in America & I talked about this guy… I genuinely believe this guy has a drinking problem, so I am not fussed about it but when I get a message “How ever you choose matey” randomly one night, I am reeling about it. I’m with a fairly new client at my little business & she doesn’t understand the magnitude of this guy messaging me. I am going on & on about it, but she doesn’t seem to be helpful about a reply.

Now we all know what this message is, right? It’s the ambiguous message that they send in the hopes of getting a reply, but also no harm done & nothing lost if they don’t get a response. If they do happen to get reply & it’s negative, they can pretend it wasn’t meant for the recipient & not feel stupid. If they get a positive reply, they can see what’s up & maybe start things up again… It’s a carrot message. Dangle.

So when I get away from this client, I race home & I message another friend & she says something about a Pirate… Oh ok! Is that what he means? I have no idea… So I write back to Tom Cruise “Walk the plank m’arty” & he replies, “We don’t know each other dude” I am bored & as you know in the texting post that I’m not texting anyone anymore on a regular basis, so I cheekily reply “That kiss felt like we do…” His response comes quicker than I expect “What kiss was that baby” Oh god, didn’t he just say we didn’t know each other?! He says he doesn’t remember the kiss & I ask why he is messaging & he says that it’s because he likes me. I’m like whatever dude to I get snippy “So much so, you don’t remember kissing me!” He pretends that he doesn’t know who I am, but his number is saved in my phone for this very reason & my number is clearly still in his phone too – though he denies it… So is he trying to tell me that he just typed in a random phone number & it happened to be someone he’s dated before?! Is he joking?! I swear I have no idea how I keep meeting these dickheads.

He asks if I liked him, I say that it’s hard to say because he ghosted me. But he also denies that saying I deliberately parted ways with him… Hmmm, really?! That’s not entirely how I remember it… But ok, it’s interesting to see their point of view. He tells me that I am “Hot AF” but I am not playing this game, he didn’t even know who I was 10 minutes ago… He asks why we’re not together & I just send back the ghost emoji.

He says that he wants to take me out for a decent dinner, I ask where is decent & go to sleep. The next day he says after we’ve sent a few texts about a fancy steak house & me pretending to be vegan, then he says that he has no idea who I am. He says that he was pissed so I say “You just typed a random number & invited them to dinner?” he says “Whatever babe, catch up soon” I don’t reply to him…

I hate that when I start talking to him, that I do sticky tape back together the life I pictured… Not really, but you know what I mean. I overthink & daydream about what could be, about what could have been, about what will happen… If course none of my day dreams every come true, but this is what my brain automatically does…

Max : has a lot of stories in the blog… 12 in fact… He has tried to reach out before since we ended but I wasn’t interested, I guess… But now there is a song that keeps coming up on my Spotify, from a new band that has covered an older song, that reminds me of Max. I message him & wonder if he’ll write back which he does after a while, he tries to guess the song for about 4 messages then never replies after reading my message telling him that it’s a cover of an older song… Rightio. I guess I deserve that, I did tell him at one point that I didn’t want to be friends with him – but that was at a time I couldn’t be friends with him. I guess, that’s done for him now… I will put it down to momentary insanity to thinking I was more to him that I thought I was…

Eastwood : has a few stories too… One night, I am wondering what happened with this guy, when I message he says that he’s been busy, so I say that I’ll just leave him to his busyness. He reads it then I never hear from him again. Righto… I don’t know what happened here but there is clearly something. I go through all the snapchats to him from me for him, M8 & Plumber & delete everything that I had saved because I don’t want them having photos of me when they just dangle the carrot when they’re lonely. So now I have no evidence of anything I talk to them about like I used to keep everything.

See what happens when I am not texting someone every night, I start doing the carrot type message just to have someone to talk too… This is why I just stick with what I have – it is what it is… & I will now actually stay single – even though I’ve said that 100 times, the below update is really the reason why…

We do message a bit more a few weeks later when someone we work with messages to say they have cancer & I ask him why he didn’t tell me. We message a bit & for the next week he replies to my snaps stories, but clearly not back where it was or will it ever be.

Again I had initially had that little day dream that this guy, being we used to sit next to each other at work that now he’s single & because we matched that we would be that couple that have a meet cute story of working together then meeting years later to date & be partners… Again my little daydreams are just that, a daydream. Either I self sabotaged it & put something out there in the universe or whatever, because none of these daydreams ever come close to being what I think they will be.

J-Lo / Jo-Lo 2 / Update: I’m really sad about this update & it’s hard to write about when it’s so fresh. This is why I used to write retrospectively so I can get over whatever has happened, so I can reflect on it. But sometimes that’s even harder, because then I have to relive it 6 months later… But J-Lo didn’t write back to my last message where I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to rehash what we’d said, I was trying to explain how I felt when he ‘drops in’ to my house for a cuddle & he was explaining that he thought I was having ago, which I wasn’t. So since this, I have no messages from him, I haven’t tried to reach out but he looks at every snapchat story, then I notice the one day I really need a friend & realise that I really have none, is the day I have to go to court with my neighbour over our fence – I realise that J-Lo has deleted me from snapchat.

Well I guess that’s it from him, that’s a very bold decision/statement & sends a very distinct message of ‘I never want to speak to you again.’ I was waiting for it to all blow over, I know I said in my previous post that I was sort of glad it was over because it was semi toxic… Well this is also another reason why I post retrospectively because that was how I felt at the time when we were having a break from talking, I didn’t think it was the end & I didn’t think he’d delete me, plus he saw my snap that I was going to court that day…

You know what’s kinda funny, is even though J-Lo isn’t a huge part of the blog in stories, he was a huge part of my life & I genuinely always assumed that he & I would end up together – someday… That’s if he left his partner before Marvel’s wife leaves him… J-Lo & I know so much about each other & we did withstand a lot & were brutally honest with each other, so I am 100% shocked at his deletion of me about something I think is so small & petty… I felt like he would be the only one that could understand my feelings for Marvel & be the one to show me real love, since J-Lo knows everything I’ve been though. He would be so patient, knowing it will take some time… I guess I was wrong. So very wrong…

I guess he is done. That’s it. He’ll say he just deleted it, but I call bullshit because he chats to his kids on it. He deleted me, he made a bold choice because we didn’t talk for a few days, he deletes me. So very wrong!

#IBD4U

If you live in Adelaide, you know it’s big in size but really it’s just like a small town, right. Everyone knows everyone… You get used to it after a while, when you say to a new colleague that there you know a person & they say that they know them too. Or you add someone on FB & they have 2 mutual friends with you… You get me right?

When I started in my new job (almost 2 years agao now), a colleague was friends with someone who used to housesit my house when I travelled for work in my previous job. She had told me she’d been to my house & met my cat but her & I had never met really until I started working with her. & we’d also been to the gym together… Funny right?!

When I started netball, I didn’t know anyone because I was getting back into it so by the second season, I was placed with women more my age. One of them – get this, works in the same fucking building as me – which isn’t a big building in the southern burbs, at a different organisation to me. Of course, even though we play together every week, we never see each other in the building.

What do you know! One day I see her in the halls & we laugh about how we’d never seen each other this whole time until we acknowledged the fact that we are in the same building. So hilarious right! How many times has this type of thing happened to you?

After 2 years in the same job, I walk out of work at around 5:00pm, another businesses exit is directly opposite our exit so it can be awkward when someone walks out at the same time & you walk down the hallway to the carpark – especially as a munchkin I walk slower then they hold the door you do that dicky run to not make them wait for you.

Well this night I leave & a guy walks out – Stranger, it’s Valentines Day – so I have a single rose from a colleague who got flowers that he didn’t want… I instantly think Stranger is cute but he reminds me of Marvel & wished I didn’t have a flower – as Stranger will think I am taken… WTF, where did that come from?! The fact he looks like Marvel isn’t surprising or unusual… I mean tall guys with dark down hair & a unshaven face/beard are a dime a dozen, look around, they’re everywhere! I see one that reminds of Marvel almost daily, so I don’t think anything of it. But this dude sticks in my mind…

It’s a bit like Marvel’s real name, why is it in every fucking TV show! Like EVERY TV show or movie… Or is it just that I notice it now?! Probably the later right, the name has always been around – it’s fairly common, but it never meant anything to me before… Bit like guys with dark hair & beards… Never thought they were attractive or noticed them before but they’re fricken everywhere!

So when Stranger & I walk out the door together, we smile an awkward smile & then we walk down the hallway together, also awkwardly, then him holding the door for me, I say thank you & we walk different ways to our cars. Nothing exciting right. I happen to see him getting in his car & I drive past & go home. Because I think he his cute, I think this is a bit like Crush – the guy who I worked with in the same building & never spoke too but always bumped into at every fucking lunch break… I didn’t speak to this guy, we just do the polite smile thing & that was it.

I think that I should ask the chick I play netball with what Stanger’s name is, she has left there & working somewhere else now, but she’d know who he is surely?! Hehehe… What a fricken creep. I am not dating & definitely don’t want to date a Marvel look-a-like I work next too. I’d never do that unless, perhaps I keep seeing him around the halls, then I might take it as a sign? REALLY?! As if… This is me, so like I ever would.

The next day, I weirdly notice Stranger’s car as I drive in & park. Why is that? Why does it stand out to me now? Who the fuck knows… I am such an idiot or probably because I didn’t know who drove that car so I didn’t care & now it stands out. A couple of days later, I have forgotten about him having just been for a job interview & finding out via email that I didn’t get it, so I decide to go work from home – I’m pretty pissed. As I am leaving I see my only real colleague arrive so we stand & chat for a while. As we’re standing there, guess who rocks up!

As his car is pulling in, I say to my colleague “This guy is kinda cute, but he reminds me too much of an ex.” She is a lesbian so when she sees him she says he’s cute, I think he must be good looking. We continue talking, he walks past saying nothing to us, going into the building. I do notice that there is no wedding ring – why do I do that?! Nothing exciting or unusual about that interaction right? Nah, just the fact that I have never seen him before & now twice in one week in close proximity…

Later that night, I am on my little hobby business FB page, I’m scrolling & Marvel’s group page always comes up for me as a suggestion. I admit that since I found it, I look at it & try to work out which posts he’s posted – I sometimes think I have it figured out & then other times I haven’t. Since I unblocked him recently, he now comes up in the comments with his real profile, having tagged two people.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT!

I click on the first profile, I realise it’s his brother, so I click on his picture – even though it doesn’t have his last name, I know it’s Marvel’s brother. FUCK. My mouth drops to the fucking ground! I look up at myself in the mirror & say “Are you fucking kidding me?” my dogs stir from their slumber, thinking who the fuck is she talking too… I look at the picture & really cannot believe this… But it’s fucking STRANGER! I swear on my dogs lives, you cannot make this shit up! What the actual factual fuck!

I literally cannot stop laughing about how fucked up my life is… Imagine if I still had Marvel blocked & had the guts to talk to this stranger guy… I don’t really know how early you tell people your last name when you date, but that would be an even funnier story right… Neither of us have our last names online. If Marvel was blocked I wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary on his friends list. Lucky we never got to date (hahaha like we were close… Geez!)

Now I’m also intrigued if Stranger knows who I am? Does he know I was his brother’s Mistress? Does he know my name, what I look like? I mean men don’t really get into the stalking, or do they?! As far as I know Strangers wife wasn’t very well liked in their family, so I don’t know how close the two sister in laws were to share my picture around & if Stranger got involved?! If he does know I am the apparent homewreckong whore, would he tell Marvel?

Marvel had told me a few months back that Stranger was getting divorced & it wasn’t a good situation as in the ex wife lying about her income for more child support & not allowing him to see his kid etc… I remember lying there thinking “Well fuck, you’re definitely never going to leave!” If Marvel is watching his brother (aka Stranger) struggle with child support & custody of his child, then Marvel won’t want that for himself even more than before…

Fuck!

What do I do now? I decide not to tell Marvel, what’s the point… I mean technically, he’s only shown me his brother maybe once? I honestly didn’t know who Stranger was until I saw the comment on FB so I am just going to leave it… If I see Stranger ever again, I will just smile & be polite as I do with anyone in the building…

Wouldn’t it be funny though, if I did date Stranger & was at a family event… I don’t think I could do it if I knew but just imagine if we didn’t know… What a shit show of a movie scene that would be… I know that I wouldn’t be able to sit opposite Marvel – if his wife didn’t scratch my eyes out first – & not fuck him with my eyes, even if I was at a point that I was in love with his brother… What a fucked up situation that would be… It’s never going to happen but this is just hilarious when I thought there wasn’t going to be any more blog posts, this type of shit pops out at me!

#IBD4U

In December I see Marvel only 10 days after major abdominal surgery, but fuck it’s worth it. We don’t message each other after he leaves, I am too stubborn for that, clearly he is too… Christmas comes & goes… A new year… His birthday is coming up when I finally hear from him.

Unlike Marvel he actually sends me an unsolicited dick pic before logging off for January. I don’t hear from him again… I am being stubborn & think I’ll hear from him the week before school goes back, he’ll send a message to initiate the chat to catch up being that there are only 2 days in January that will be left for us to have sex in Jan (remember we’ve fucked every month since we started up again) Finally when I don’t hear from him, I send him a message with my availability for those two days & it sits at sending for days.

Overthinking goes into overdrive. He abruptly left me hanging earlier in the month, maybe she caught him & he’s not online anymore? Maybe he’s dead? Maybe he did the Samsung update & his phone was wiped, therefore he can’t remember his password to the chat app? The anonymous app we used to use has basically been deleted so I can’t stalk that anymore to see if he chats to me on there. Maybe they broke up? Nah he would come crawling to me right away if that happened… I literally think up every scenario…

Insomnia kicks in for various reasons, I’ve had a mini fight with J-Lo as you know & my vagina has been angry from no sex. I’ve also been dealing with this surgery not healing properly also trying to renovate with dickhead tradies & so I’m just fucked off. I cry. I cry for the first time in 2 years… I’ve taken off my lashes also because I can’t find a good lash tech, so I cry.

So with this insomnia, I realise that I have Marvel blocked on everything. Maybe he’s trying to find a way to contact me some where else?! What if he is?! I go to instagram & unblock, he’s posted 4 things. One of them is from a trip he took interstate… Maybe they moved to be with her parents?! I mean I’d seen him 4 times since he posted the picture but maybe he just couldn’t tell me they were planning on moving? I go to my snapchat & unblock – nothing interesting there. I head over to FB & I unblock him but leave his wife safely blocked.

Upon unblocking him on FB, it’s all the exact same, I can’t click him to add a friend (not that I would). There is all the same pictures available but I do discover his group/page. Remember he told me after we were over that he had a FB page. Well I find it (which I couldn’t fucking find when he told me about it) & I stalk it. FUCK. I hate this – what does this stalking achieve?! I want to click ‘like’ but I just check it daily instead, like an actual factual wanker because I don’t want him to know I have found it & am looking at it. This is tragic #IBD4U, get a life.

Literally 4 days into this fucking spiral stalking meltdown, he messages & says that the chat app is fucked & offers up this week to see him. Are you fucking kidding me… I am such a fucking wanker. Fuck sake – he just had fucking app issues…

Now remember last post when I said there was more to the Rob Rob story… Well he always says stuff to me about Marvel, like asks if I’ve seen him & if I have he always asks for a exact description of what happened, which I used to give him some additional details so he could jerk off to it… Towards the point of the L word with Marvel, I didn’t share as much, so since then I just give him snippets, usually more about positions & that’s about it.

Rob Rob doesn’t understand why I will fuck Marvel & not him. They’re both in the same situation right?! Rob Rob offers his cock for riding when I say that I haven’t heard from Marvel in ages & don’t know what is going on with him either… Rob Rob doesn’t get that I NEVER wanted to fuck a married man, I am so against cheating. Yet somehow due to falling for Marvel & poor choices following the demise of that love, I have been the other woman. Not a fact I am proud of. So I choose not to engage with married/partnered men in sexual activity, even if I’ve fucked them before – Marvel the exception to that choice. While chatting & talking sexy is considered cheating to some people, I am not as pedantic when it comes to what is cheating, having spent so much time on the chat app as I have in the past, I do understand the need for texting so don’t necessarily call that cheating.

One day I do decide to meet Rob Rob, which he insists must be at his house… I would be happy with a coffee shop but he says it must be his house. He has small kids & puppies, his house smells like dogs & I smirk when I see a bunch of kid stuff & dirt juet swept under the TV cabinet, like he poked it under then knowing I was coming. I rock up knowing that he will try to get his dick out given the chance & that he will try something, which he does, he tries to kiss me multiple times. One of his dogs is sitting on my lap, which I am grateful for. The conversation is a bit strained, I know because Rob Rob wants more, trying to hold my hand or lift my long skirt to see a bit of leg… But I leave, not without a scuffle to get a kiss from me before I go.

I owe no loyalties to Marvel. Especially after the way he’s treated me. I have in the past had sex with other men, I am not going to deny that in the last almost 6 years that I haven’t had sex with others, of course I have. But I don’t want this with Rob Rob because of his wife & kids. At least Marvel’s wife knows what he’s done to her in the past & to be perfectly honest, she must know what he’s been doing for basically the last 3 years too… Rob Rob has the chance to do the right thing by his family… To leave & find his happiness or stay & be faithful as much as he doesn’t want to be.

I fell in love with & became best friends with someone so unavailable that it killed my heart to end it. I don’t ever want that again. I am not willing to put myself out there even if its just sex to another married man or partnered man. Rob Rob has always kept his distance over the years we’ve talked. Rightfully so! So I don’t see why it’s a struggle for him to see why I don’t want anything with him, a physical connection is out of the question. I am not getting caught up in that with someone else ever again. I struggle to explain it but have to over & over because Rob Rob doesn’t get & literally becomes so needy.

But back to Marvel… Within two days of Marvel being back online chatting to me, he is giving me three options when to see him next. I accept & see him on the first day he gives me, as if I want to wait…

After we have sex, for the first time in a long time we chat. Ironically he tells me about his FB page & I have a look at it while lying next to him, knowing full well that it’s in my search history & he talks about the posts & team of admin he has helping post daily. I mention that the name of the group is misleading to the content & laugh about the FB profile picture it has. I’m surpised, when I look (ok I stalked) later that night, the name of the group has changed & so has the profile picture with a note saying that the name of the group no longer serves the purpose it did 10 years ago when he started the page… OMG. Are you kidding me…? It makes me smile so much, I didn’t know I had any influence left with him besides my vagina. But clearly I do…

We also talk about the chat app & how shit it is now, with ads & bots all the time that he says he wants to chat to me via snapchat instead… He says he has it hidden on his phone & that he can chat to me there… He also tells me that I keep coming up on his tiktok – he says he doesn’t watch my videos, just scrolls past them when I come up as a suggestion – I call BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. As if he’d just swipe my videos away – to be fair they are basically always of my dogs, but what a load of crap that he is not looking when I come up as a suggestion!

Usually, he’s only at my house for a maximum of one hour, but when he gets up to leave at that hour mark, I remind him that he’s not cum yet but he says he’s soft & I tell him that I am sure I can get him hard again, he gets back onto the bed & lays next to me just kissing me & says in less than 30 seconds that he is hard again. Yeah baby, I’ve still got it. Just from a kiss.

I haven’t been writing notes or recording dates & times of when he is over my house like I did before, to create a timeline. These times exist only in our memories now, I don’t have a minute by minute description of what we did & what we do, so this is a bit of an unusual post, but it’s also the first sex I’ve had in a long time that made me feel wanted again & the thing that fucks me off about that is that it’s not the sex that I liked about the two hours he spent at my house – I mean, of course I liked the sex & I came so many times – but my favourite part was when we talked & at one point his hand rested on my back or when he rolled into me to cuddle a bit.

I don’t deny this is dangerous territory, we know our limits now. I know he has love for me as I do him, I’m not sure he’s in love with me like he was but I know that we love each other. This man was my best friend & god if I could have that back, I would accept it in a second. But I am ok with the intimate moments where we let down our guard a little & put them back up when it’s over…

I don’t know what the future holds for Marvel & I. I don’t know what the future holds for me at all… All I know is that I am so much happier not fighting for a mans attention, like M8 or Eastwood – who I know is single, who seemingly liked me. I am much happier not texting someone every day – I miss it of course sometimes.

#IBD4U

Those of you that noticed, there wasn’t an update about M8 in the previous update blog! That’s because he probably doesn’t deserve any more air time, but he didn’t fit in that post… It was already way too long & this one has turned out longer than expected too!

After he does the minimum amount of electrical work that I have to do at my house, he stops talking to me. We send snaps every now & then but it’s not regular & I try not to engage in it too much because he’s back with his baby Mumma number 2. Or so her tiktok tells me… Why does she keep coming up?! I do not get the stupid app.

I still need electrical work done & I work out in my head that with M8’s hourly rate he’s been charging me, that it would be about another $1500 worth of work so when I am quoted $2000 from another electrician, I just go with this new company… During this time I wait for the other electrician, I see that M8 is out with our mutual friend every fucking day, washing her car, mowing her lawns – fine I don’t care as they’re friends but I am waiting for this shit to be done with a fucking light hanging from the carport (which actually triggers my safety switch & I have no lights for 2 days!) & willing to pay him for the work, yet he chooses to wash her car for free!? Then he’ll post on snapchat asking for work… Is he kidding me?

The other electrician actually ends up only charging me $900 & when I tell M8 he tells me that I am nuts & he would’ve done it all for $200. BULL FUCKING SHIT MATE! As if… He’d charged me $600 for about 4 hours worth of work so there is no way he would have charged me $200 for all the remaining work. Anyway, I don’t care, it’s done & I didn’t have to worry about a dodgy light out the front anymore & I don’t have to wait.

As the reno is nearing the end – well the major construction part at least, I do ask M8 about my roof because I have had so much trouble with the builder that I decided to get an independent building inspector & he had sent me pictures of all these broken tiles on my roof… Why are there broken tiles?! There shouldn’t be. They have also just fixed it with silicone! I message M8 to see if he saw it while he was up there, but he didn’t… The only time he was on my roof, I was here, so it couldn’t have been him. But we message about how shit it is & I can’t believe that this is happening! The builder sends a roofer so all was sorted but so annoying!

One day after my surgery to fix my stomach skin overhang, I send a pic on snapchat with a midriff top – I admit I will never wear this out in public & in the pic I am wearing slippers. M8 replies & says that I look sexy, he wasn’t looking at the slippers. I say that I’ll take that & he says “lol truth”, I reply “Says the man who ran out the door quicker than he came.” Now I realise when he didn’t write back how he took that, that he came quickly… But I just meant that he ran out the door so quickly.

I assume I’ll never hear from him again but one day he asks if I’ve found a concreter & that he has a friend who might do it, when I send him the drawing of what I need, his friend says he doesn’t want the job! OMG. I have been quoted $47k for this job by Concreter, who can just say no to that kind of money because I originally asked for coloured concrete as I thought it was cheaper?! I’m in a mood & its a full moon, that I tell him that every tradie has ripped me off & he says that he didn’t… I want to tell him that he did & made me feel like I paid for sex but I just put my phone done & go to sleep.

In the morning, I think fuck it. I tell him that I don’t do one night stands & that I have never fucked a tradie doing work at my house. He laughs. Righto… I tell him I felt like I paid for sex & he says that he didn’t see me saying it wasn’t good. What’s that supposed to mean, I didn’t imply that & he says that he thought “I was pretty good” I said that he was out the door before I could move my legs so he tells me that he’s never done that before – which was slept with someone he’s done work for… Why do I find that hard to believe!? He’s a smooth talker, he knows how to get what he wants.

I say again that I don’t just sleep with people once – yeah I’ve done that it the past but I hate that about me. He asks if I want more. I said that I wouldn’t have done it in the first place if I knew it was only going to be once. Which I have said in his story, there was something about this guy, he really drew me in. He says that “I would of kept doing it just didn’t know where I sorta stood” He wasn’t sure if I was keen or not… How the fuck do guys not know? Or is this a line? I have no idea at this point.

When he says that it was good sex, I think & say that I didn’t even get to suck his dick & he tells me that I still can, there’s nothing stopping me! He tells me that he’s only ever had one girl that is good at it & she spat. He says again that he just thought I was looking for a root… I tell him that I wasn’t looking for either & definitely didn’t want a one night stand. He says sorry & that probably the offer is gone now. I should say that yes he’s missed his opportunity, maybe cheekily tease him but for some stupid reason I just say “I like you. The offer is still there” I am never good at these games.

We sort of dwindle out talking that day – which has been all day & then I post a photo of some drinks. He asks if I am getting drunk, which I am not… The chat gets cheeky about wearing a dress & no panties… Why is that always a fantasy?! He thinks I am drunk, but I tell him that I am not as I texting perfectly. I do admit only to you that at this point, I was having to delete the letters a few times to make it perfect! Hahahaha.

He says that he’s going to come over but then never looks at my message, I don’t know where he lives exactly but over 10 minutes with no reply, I am going to go to sleep if he doesn’t come over. 5 minutes later, I get a message saying that he’s putting the kids to bed, so I just say if he can’t come it’s all good. But he says he’ll be there soon (he lives with his parents, he didn’t just leave his kids home!) Another 35 mins he says he’ll be 10 mins… His car is so loud when it pulls up over an hour from when he asked if I wanted his dick & I think about my fucking neighbours thinking what a skanky hoe I am letting a boy come to my house at 11pm on a Sunday!

When he gets to my house, we sit outside chatting for a while. I offer to pour him a drink I just opened – that I didn’t really want but thought he’d have a drink then we’d have sex. But he doesn’t drink due to losing his licence. We chat for a while, it’s easy but he talks a lot & I don’t say much to be perfectly honest with you. He talks about his kids & our mutual friend & then we kiss – I don’t know what time it is but his fricken car alarm which is the horn goes off & he has to go outside to turn it off… As if my neighbours didn’t need any more information for their case against me being a slutty hoe.

When we kiss it’s hot & I end up straddling him before we move into my bed room. Because I haven’t been playing netball since my surgery, my nails are looking amazing, I must run my fingers down his back because he tells me not to scratch him, I ask why & he says something about his kids seeing. I think nothing of it. I suck his dick of course which he loves, – tell me to look at him when I do it… He never goes down on me & says something later about how he doesn’t do that…

When I put the condom on, he starts fucking me, being quite dominant & it turns me on a bit. While he’s fucking me, I try to move & fuck him back but he tells me to stop moving or he’ll cum… I guess I am not a starfish & that’s what he wants?! He makes me cum & he cums too… It’s good but not epic & thankfully I don’t squirt.

After we finish we go sit outside, to my surprise & given the hour, he sits & talks again for an hour. Like he talks the whole time about child support, why he has his kids that are here from the country – never once does he mention the baby, his new job, our mutual friend… He talks & talks & talks.

I don’t hear from him again – he had told me that he was going away in 2 days to start FIFO again, so when I notice a hickey, I think I will just tell him & he says “haha” – well I guess that’s it then… It was another fucking line that I fell for… I know I am stupid, but this is just beyond anything I have ever fallen for before… But a couple of hours later he asks if I did enjoy it & I say that I did & that only one thing could make it better, he asks what & I say not using a condom. He sends back “hahaha lol.” RIGHT.

Then when he’s away he posts a covid positive test. Fuck, I have been a little sniffly all week & when I saw him, so I take another test as the one earlier in the week was negative & it’s fucking positive! I have been off work for 6 weeks & go back in 3 days & now have covid! Luckily my symptoms go away so I can return to work.

Her tiktok comes up so much when they’re back together, why is that? All her stupid actually terrible dance & lip syncing videos – one of my friends ask me for her tiktok to look & says that he looks like her dad in their seemingly recent trip to a hotel – which of course warranted no less that 5 videos on how much they can pose together in the hotel mirror. There is also a fucking video of her with a mask on posted a couple of days ago too… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? That’s obviously why he didn’t want scratches on his back. They’re together & one of them gave me covid, not the other way around…

At the end of January 2023 he messages about the concrete again, but his friend never replies even though he could’ve asked them first, then messaged me but he messaged us both at the same time… Weird… I try not to give too much away. Then he asks me about the cameras that he set up for me, asking some questions but I test him by saying did he want to come look at my cameras – but it Australia Day. I am white girl wasted. Like off my head that the next day I don’t remember a lot!

My messages get so weird that I’m not surprised I don’t see him but also he’s with his baby mumma so whatever. But I keep reminding him that I am too old for him, that he’s got other offers, he tells me to stop when I keep saying old skin, old cunt, stale & old. WTF #IBD4U. Put your fucking phone down! Luckily he doesn’t write back & I pass out with all my doors open & unlocked & the dogs spooning me.

A few weeks later he replies to a snapchat of me in the mirror & we chat for a bit but that dwindles & I am done with this… Done with men in general. The loves of my life, are next to me sleeping…

#IBD4U

No one really deserves a post of their own. As you know my dogs are the loves of my life. I genuinely don’t need to worry about messaging boys or trying to find my partner. I can look at my ring finger whenever I think I want this & see their paw prints tattooed on that finger that I always assumed would be decorated with a diamond engagement ring followed by a wedding band. A symbol that I am loved… I don’t need it, I know. But I wanted it. I wanted it for the longest time.

The dogs however, have made me very anti social. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to see other people, I just want to be home with the dogs. I used to be the type of person who went to EVERYTHING. I was always the drunk obnoxious idiot, probably trying to find someone to sleep with & snapping at them when they didn’t want too, thinking that this could be the night I meet the person I am going to be with.

Most of my close girlfriends have gotten boyfriends so I barely see them or they have distanced themselves for one reason or another, for the first time in my life I don’t need validation on how many friends I have etc.

So when the boys I’ve been talking to dwindle off, I am weirded out because for the last 16 years, I have basically been texting someone – with the view that it was going to be something, but then they disappear.

Eastwood was messaging me one night before Christmas, I’d just had fairly major elective surgery, so I was in bed & he’s snapchatting me obviously drunk but at a pub sending pictures of the dance floor. I am thinking this guy is off his head – I have thought for a while that he has a drinking problem & I am now certain he has a drinking problem, he is always drunk. No judgement, I get it, I was there once in my life before.

The whole time we’re messaging, I’m thinking “Do not offer to pick him up. Do not offer to pick him up. DO NOT offer to pick him up…” I seriously don’t know why, but next minute I am in my car picking the fucking idiot up. He’s messaging but says he’s walking home – seemingly with no money to catch a taxi. I tell him to turn on his snap maps so I can see where he is. Fuck, why am I doing this? He tells me that he almost got hit by a train & I seem to put my foot down, making my shit box car go a bit faster to get him, I tell him to sit down & stay still… He sends me a snap of someone’s front garden with all the Christmas lights & I tell him not to touch the display – I can just see I’m gonna have someone’s fucking reindeer in my car & I tell him to sit down. I figure I’ll be able to find him that way… I finally get him to turn on snap maps so I can see where he is & what street at least, it was where I was aiming for but at least I can find him easily now. I pull up & he’s sitting on a retaining wall.

Eastwood stumbles the three steps to my car, getting in, he reeks of booze & kisses me hello. I kiss him back & instantly I am taken back to the times I used to do this for Boyfriend. I always was happy for him to go out with his mates & always thought what an amazing girlfriend I was for picking him & his mate up – who had to be home by midnight & I always wondered if I was more like his mates girlfriend, giving boundaries etc, maybe I wouldn’t be single? Those two are married & still are 16 years later… Don’t dwell.

As we drive home, he touches my leg & we talk easily. He’s always easy to talk too… I drop him home, pulling into his driveway, he leans over & kisses me. He’s a good kisser, I’ll give him that, but his dog is going mental, it’s almost 1:00am & so I tell him that he should go, he of course invites me in… I want to go in but I tell him I have to be up early – which isn’t a lie. When I get home he’s messaging me telling me he’s coming over to mine, getting in his car & coming over. I spend a while watching his location but fall asleep. In the morning I see no messages from him but check the motion sensors in my camera as they went off, but he didn’t come over, hopefully he just passed out… I don’t think this guy is my forever, I think he is interested in someone he works with anyway.

After that night, the chat dwindles to nothing. He usually replies to every snap chat story I post, which is usually daily. But I start getting nothing back & I am a bit meh about that, I didn’t want to stop talking to him or stop seeing him really, I mean it was what it was & I guess it ran it’s course. I often think I should just message & say “you’ve been quiet” but he knows where I am & I’m sick of being that loser that chases the guys all the fucking time, for a minute of their time. I had explained about that night & why I didn’t go inside with him, but it makes no difference.

Plumber is another who has dwindled into thin air & I’m not upset, besides the fact I just spent $400 on an actual plumber to do one of the jobs this guy said he’d do for me. So Plumber will message & be consistent for a few hours then nothing for weeks. I’ll get a snapchat every now & then & he looks at all my stories as well, but when we’re chatting I ask if he can come move the tap, he says yeah next weekend.

Next weekend comes, so I ask when he can come – oh funny but he doesn’t read it or click on my message but continues to stalk my stories. Fuck you wanker. This is from a guy who constantly tells me “If we were together we’d have a pretty sexual relationship” & will then tell me about all the things we’d do, also says that he’ll do things to me when he comes to do my plumbing work. I call his bluff again & say that he can have that he can have me if he was single & his reply is “one day #IBD4U one day”… Like fucking hell we will. He even says to me at one point “If I was single I would be with u… but u’d push me away and annoy me with silly things but weed be together I think” LIKE WHAT?! This guy has the audacity to say I’m confusing – maybe I am, but why the fuck does he think we’ll be so great together, yet clearly doesn’t want to leave his partner. I don’t delete people because I like to see how long they will stalk me for but this guy needs to go.

I post on my story showing the tap moved etc as I think this will prompt a snap message from him but it doesn’t. It’s probably for the best, this guy is majorly confusing & constantly dangling the carrot that there is something there for him, when clearly there isn’t.

Someone you haven’t heard about in a long time is Maloo… He was a guy from a long time ago that found a partner, had a couple of kids & now he says they’re not together but his sister still tags her on FB posts. So who knows. I am not getting involved. My feelings haven’t changed on this one, he is the sweetest guy but physically I am not attracted to him & he also had his chance before he met the woman he had two kids with & he didn’t take it.

Anyway, he’s been messaging quite consistently & like Plumber, says shit about what it’d be like if we were a couple… Like are you kidding me. I guess the thing I find interesting is that I used to start overthinking & planning our life that we might have if we were together. Yet as much as that stupid overthink day dream isn’t something I want – it clearly is just a fantasy for these two. They’re in relationships with people they don’t want to be with but are too stupid to leave for whatever their reasons. I’m not judging of course because I understand what it’s like not to let someone go, even if you don’t like them. I try not to engage to much with Maloo on chat, but he sends snaps every day.

Rob Rob is another guy who has become someone I am happy to chat too, but its really changed dynamic. He used to be this dominant type of guy in my DM’s but now it’s like he’s so needy for my attention that it just turns me off, in a way. When I don’t write back quick enough sometimes, he’ll then spiral & ask if I want to delete him. He’ll ask why I don’t just block him if I am not interested.

He wants me to fuck him so badly, but I am just not interested. Not only do I not want to fuck married men – even though I have had in the past sex with him, I am just not that into him or so attracted to him that I am willing to put myself out there for him – I don’t want to get mentally hurt again, as it would 100% happen.

He does ask me something intriguing & that is if I would ask him to leave his wife. The answer is the same as it was for Noodle… I would never ask them to leave. As much as I wanted to beg Noodle back then to leave her, I knew that he had to leave without the idea that I would be there – I wanted no resentment if we didn’t work work out. & look Noodle chose to stay – maybe because I didn’t beg him, maybe because no matter what he wasn’t going to leave, who knows… I don’t know what Rob Rob’s deal is but when he says that he’s not happy, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him because I’ve never entertained the idea…

Recently though his neediness is unsexy – because he’s obviously not getting from his wife what he needs sexually or emotionally now so he had me at one stage for his jerking off fantasies, he’d call, he’d jerk off & in a moment of weakness he’s had me physically. I guess he was getting a bit from me emotionally at one stage, particularly when I was in a terrible place after the Noodle saga. But now I am realising that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when his wife isn’t around or when she’s sitting next to him on the couch not touching him as apparently she quite often does when the kids are in bed. As much as we talk about it, he just doesn’t 100% get it… More on this in another post!

J-Lo well… Fuck me this guy has been a constant for so many years. We’ve chatted about so many things. In December he rocks up at my house one morning & I am not in the mood to “cuddle” with him. He doesn’t get it either, he doesn’t get what he wants from his partner, that doesn’t mean that I am the back up. It’s awkward as he tries to get me to go back to bed to lie down with him, but I say no & he says he has to go. Imagine how long I would’ve got a cuddle if he was needing to go.

Later I try to explain to him that I don’t want just a snippet of a man when he wants too & he snaps at me that he is not going to be my punching bag when I am in a bad mood… Rightio then, I didn’t realise that expressing my feelings about being second best when he has time was making him a punching bag… I genuinely wasn’t having a go at him, I just just trying to remind him about the day he came over when I was emotionally unstable & didn’t want him to hug me, but he did & I cried, then when he got what he wanted he jumped up & left. I was left alone & feeling even worse than I was… Now I am a strong woman so I picked myself up after that & moved on, then didn’t cry again for my usual 2 years or so, but deep down that scared me.

At this point, we haven’t spoken for a few weeks, I am sad about that. But to be honest, I just whinge about how fat I feel & how much it sucks to be single & he whinges about how little sex he gets & how much child support he has to pay. It’s just become an unhealthy daily chat that is a round-a-bout of the same topics over & over again… I have genuinely missed it but if I am honest, I haven’t also. As much as I value this friendship we seem to not give each other what we want…

So there you have it, an update about the men I’ve written about recently. As you can see nothing has changed with them, but I think that I have changed dramatically. I am not willing to be some side piece for them when they feel like it & clearly they don’t like this side of me. The side that realises I deserve much more than they are willing to give me.

#IBD4U

So I want to do an unusual post, not actually about dating but to tell you that I have actually found the love of my life. How have I found the love of my life without dating? Well everyone with the stupid cliches were right, it happened when I least expected it. It happened when I wasn’t thinking it would.

It’s very strange me to actually, I know that I was in love with Marvel & that was absolutely epic at the time so it is so strange to me that there’s something that I love even more than him, something that gives me so much joy, something that actually provides me with love, with loyalty, with no thought of themselves. Something that loves me back, I can actually see the love in their eyes, I can feel it when they touch me.

I didn’t & still don’t think that there is only one love for us. That there is just one perfect person, I think that people can come & go in our lives. That we have some loves that change us & some loves that rock your world spinning it off its axis, if you’re very lucky you’ll get both from the same love.

It’s surprising to me that it actually took me so long to admit this or realise who the love of my life actually is, after all the dating, after all the heartaches & the heartbreak. I also didn’t realise it’s the only reason I ‘well up’ when something happens, I think about life ending together or think about them dying or think about anything happening, I think of them & I can actually feel myself getting too sad.

I can’t even put into words exactly how I feel & exactly how much my life has changed. They came into my life about 2 years ago, after being fired from my job, a job that I loved, that I was good at but was being bullied & harassed on a daily basis, that I started my little business, to kind of escape that & to stop taking to boys online due to not texting anyone. I was basically trying to keep busy, working really hard at everything I was doing, including looking after my health. I was writing my blog consistently back then too because I was dating so many people all who dicked me over in some way…

Then, my whole world is spun on it’s axis, it was love at first sight, I’ve never experienced anything like it before… I get the call that there are two puppies available for me, I always wanted a brother & sister pair but most breeders won’t let you have two… This was an accidental litter of a breed that I wanted so badly too… This was meant to be! I met them when they were just 36 hours old. I had spoken to the breeder the day they were born & arranged a visit to meet her & the little as soon as I could.

They were only tiny, tiny little puppies. Both of them fit in one hand. There were like little rats… I met their Mum & dad, I met their human breeder mum but I was about to be their real mum… A dream is coming true. I was smitten immediately. I wasn’t working at that time, so I was able to go out to their property & see them every week, I was so lucky that I was able to watch them grow, watch them learn to walk, learn to bark, learn to play & eat, turning into the beautiful little 8 week old puppies that I was able to bring home with me.

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous to some of you. I have never really been an animal person at all. I’ve got a almost 16 year old cat, who I got as a rebound from Boyfriend but she’s a bitch & we really don’t get along. I personally think the RSPCA fucked up giving her to me, she almost didn’t pass the test to be rehomed (this was back in the time when they euthanised animals that didn’t pass this test to be rehomed, I think.) I was a first time cat owner, also a first time pet owner. She shouldn’t have been given to me! She’s recently bit my finger so badly that I had to get a tetanus shot, my hand was so bruised & battered, that I can’t bend that finger, even almost a week later!

But…

My dogs.

My God, my dogs have changed my life. They have changed my life like you wouldn’t believe. In my house it’s usually completely spotless, something Marvel used to say to me – that my house is too clean. Well it certainly isn’t clean now, with their hair & their freaking toys, the bones, the scraps of beds all over my lounge room but they have genuinely changed everything about me. They have made me feel so safe, let’s not pretend, when they were puppies & I was adjusting to them & toilet training, especially when you’ve got two the same age, from the same litter & one pisses over there & one pisses over here, at the same time can be so frustrating, considering I still had carpet.

I genuinely think that I’m able to be single now & completely content with not chatting to boys because it doesn’t matter anymore, I’ve got two things in my life that I literally adore, things that I take to doggy daycare, that I take the dog park, that I take to the dog beach, that come with me on Christmas day to my sisters… They are spoilt rotten! They get everything that they ever could possibly want.

My boy dog looks at me like he adores me, my girl dog loves me, I know that, but she just does not have that same look. But they are always happy to see me, their tails always wagging & they do this thing where it looks like they are smiling at you. It’s so fucking cute. They groan in their sleep when they are content, they both like to touch me when they are sleeping…

I just love them so fucking much… I recently went away for work, I was chatting to M8 consistently then, then he just went quiet. The dogs were staying a someone’s house who I didn’t know, but I’d found on the Facebook page for the breed. I was home late two night & because I am doing a renovation, I decide that they can stay there two nights. I have to come home without them being here. The house is empty. The house feels broken.

It makes me realise, having being dicked over by yet another guys this year… That they are the love of my life! I genuinely think now that I don’t need to worry about finding a man because I’ve been loved. As you all know that was my biggest fear – dying without being loved. I’ve feared that I was never going to be loved by anyone & I know that regardless of what people say Marvel loves me, I can see it… I still see that, not quite like it used to be but I still see it. I feel like a weight on my shoulders has been lifted… I don’t want to be talking to any boys, I don’t want to be investing my time with someone who is just going to waste it.

It makes me sad that I am not going to have a partner in my life, it makes me sad that my puppies are the love of my life, but I am ok with it, I now feel like I can have a life without a partner. I always knew that I could, I have done for basically 16 years, the only thing that will destroy me now, is the death of a family member or the death of my dogs.

Since this realisation, I booked I for a tattoo… I didnt know what I wanted but now I do. I want 3 little paw prints on my wedding ring finger. I’m now well into my 40’s. I’m 100% never having kids, I’m clearly never getting married so my reminder everyday that I am loved & that I am loveable is on my finger. A finger I expected a diamond to be on, is now tattooed with the cat & dogs paw prints. This is also my reminder not to download a dating app when I feel sad… So far – it’s worked.

This is probably the weirdest post I’ve ever done, I would say mainly because who has the love of her life as a pet. As two pets in fact. There’s no one else, these two don’t ghost me, they don’t act like they’re too busy for me. They always want to see me, they always want to be touching me or be near me… which lets face it can be annoying, but they are the cutest! So from now on, they are the loves of my life – I have great friends but to be honest I am wanting to spend more time with my dogs than with friends. I’ve still got Marvel for sex, for now. So this is it for me.

#IBD4U

You know it’s a very odd feeling not texting someone every single day & every single night. I know this may be a foreign concept for a lot of you, especially those in relationships before texting or before social media but for me, the last well – I suppose the last 16 years, it’s been something that I have consistently done. There’s been a boy of some kind on the scene, whether it be from online or from somewhere else, (I mean there are so many that I never wrote about too, some that I never met them) but I have literally had someone to text with my whole single life. When one stops messaging, there is always another one waiting to take their place.

So this weird feeling since the ending of M8, I haven’t been texting anyone & I am not looking to text anyone… It’s really fucking odd for me & I know that some of you, like I said, will not understand this need, this feeling, this void. It’s the only way to feel justified, it’s the only way to feel fufilled in a loney single life.

When I think about the time I have spent in over a decade, texting for fuck only how many hours & how many times I prioritised texting with someone, particularly Marvel, when I should have been doing something else. Like study or like socialising with actual humans face to face not digitally, I am scared to think how many hours I have wasted in my life! & this is about when a wave of loneliness glides over me & I do the unthinkable. The thing I think will be the last time doing this because I will meet some… I hit install on a bloody dating app!

So I download an app, I spend either way too much time on a profile or no time at all. It makes no difference because they only look at your picture anyway but sometimes I put in effort. I start chatting to some boys – some that I’ve spoken to before – some that I’ve dated before, ultimately they talk to you for ages, put in a lot of fucking effort & then do what every other boy has done before & ghost.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I don’t need to be completed but I want somebody compliment me, to sleep next to me every night, to go out with, to be my friend. I don’t text my best friend’s everyday. So I don’t really like starting off a relationship with excessive texting because you know that it’s going to dwindle out when you start hanging out as a couple, then I’ll probably be missing the texting & look for that again.

Yeah it’s fucking lonely, it is so fucking lonely, that texting when you’re laying in bed, feeling a bit shit about yourself, therefore feeling a bit sorry for yourself & so the texting makes you smile. For those in a relationship perhaps it might be like the conversation with your partner making you smile when you’re sitting in bed together. I am sitting there with my phone, making my eyes so sore I need new glasses, so I am giving it up.

I have basically text boys almost every night of my entire life. I have the same thing happen over & over again & yet somehow I still find the strength to put myself out there again, only to have the same thing happen… Why is that, I am genuinely asking you why is that?

I have also asked guys that I’ve dated in the past or spoken with J-Lo & Rob Rob are useless, they have no clue why guys keep doing this time me. I had been chatting with plumber to do some plumbing work for me, he talks to me fairly consistently, so I ask him what happened when we dated 2 years ago & what happened when we dated 7 years ago in his mind. Because for me, he ghosted me twice for no reason in my mind. Besides my overthinking brain, that I’m ugly, that I’m fat, that I’m bad in bed, which he says none of those are true.

Plumber now has a partner who he’s been with since I saw him last, but I figure I can maybe get an answer here, get some perspective. He says that his mind wasn’t in the right place when we dated, either time so that didn’t help us either, but he said something interesting that when we dated 2 years ago, I kept saying to him that I wouldn’t sleep with him so he thought I meant ever again & decided to ghost me. WTF?! We’d already fucked thats just fucking dumb, however I was going to make him work for it. But then a few weeks later we talk about the topic again & we talk about what happened the first time we had met & the time we did have sex because I don’t really remember it.

I genuinely asked him he says that it wasn’t just about sex for him then he made a really good point – he said essentially that I wasn’t affectionate enough. Something he needs (as most people do!)but he thought he wasn’t going to get that from me. WOW. I am not a very tactile person especially when I have no clue what the guy is thinking, whether they even into me, if they want me to touch them etc… Guys literally jump up after we have sex & run away, how can I be affectionate?!

I mean I struggled to be tactile & affectionate with Marvel. Marvel was somebody I was deeply in love with, somebody I was also infatuated with, that I could not get enough of but yet somehow, when we sat in the car together on those Tuesdays nights, I couldn’t reach over & hold his hand or touch his hair or face… I struggle to show affection, even when I knew Marvel was in love with me. He still would go home to someone else…

I guess this is why I like texting. Why I do better with men when texting & then it all goes to shit when we meet? Because I can be cute & put myself out there, because I’m hidden behind a screen, it’s not face to face. It’s easy to hide & take a risk because they can just write back “lol” or nothing & it doesn’t matter…

So when I am not texting anyone, I feel a void & it makes me want to download Tinder to find that someone to text. I am not even sure if I want to date anyone, I genuinely want someone to text… Is that weird? or is that just the way of the world now?

#IBD4U

I’m an overthinker. I’m an overthinker by trade. I overthink every little scenario. Any little thing, I overthink, no matter what. I think about the positive scenarios, I think about the negative scenarios, I think about the outlandish ones, the more tame ideas… I don’t, of course tell any guy I’m seeing about this – especially the every after fantasies, but I do obviously tell my friends my ridiculous ideas which is when they tell me to “just go with the flow,” I do go with the flow, but my mind goes with the wind, the rain, the stars, the sand, the sea… It goes in every direction!

Because of this burden, (& it is a burden! I fucking hate it) I can justify anything. I can justify anyone’s actions. I justified away why Marvel stayed with his wife. I justify why every guy has done whatever they have done to me. I have been able to justify it. Sometimes blaming them but mostly thinking what is wrong with me.

I mean, I’ve got excuses for all these people. I give them an out & so when they come back & do exactly the same thing to me again, I can justify that too.. Why do I do it? Well it’s a compulsion, I think I like to think up the good scenarios, the rom com scenarios that I hope will happen to me, that never do.

For example, I didn’t put all this in M8’s post because I am not going to justify his actions. I could have said that he was busy or that it was his birthday that weekend, then it was Fathers day, a really hard day for him. He even told me that, our friend even told me that. Maybe that’s why he’s my quiet while he’s away, I know I am not the same person while I’m away for work so perhaps he is hating it. Perhaps his mobile reception is bad so he can’t message as much as he has been.

I can literally make up an excuse for every thing as to why guys don’t message me like they started off messaging me. I start as I intend to go on or I would tell them, I haven’t really ever ghosted anyone that I was involved with – either catching up with, sleeping with or consistently texting. But you know what, excuses – they will be in your life, just depends on how we deal with them, how we overthink them.

I’ve been told so many times & I just ignore it now when a new guy says it to me, that we have a great connection, but we have this or we have that but you know what, I’m so desperate – I hate that word, but for lack of a better word, there it is. I’m so keen for that relationship, for that partner, for that somebody to share my life with, that somebody to make decisions with & to travel with, to do renovations to my house together & all those kinds of things. I am so keen that I am in love with the idea of being with someone, so I am able to just justify anything they say & their actions that I will overthink everything.

I think that M8 was one that I was actually hurt the most about, because it happened when I least expected it. I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way. I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches & actually want to spend time with me. Then telling our friend how much we’ve got in common. I guess it just hit me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it. I also wasn’t expecting to get along with him as well as I did… I wasn’t expecting chemistry, I wasn’t expecting a spark. It’s been such a long time since I had a spark with someone, that this ending really hurt me. FUCK.

I guess also I felt it with Eastwood as well, even though there was not that kind of pulling chemistry with Eastwood, I guess I thought with the two of these guys in particular & even with Concreter I guess, that we started out as friends, with no expectations of being a couple, but then they all went to shit, even though I dreamed up a perfect life with them.

I wonder though & this is a full spiral overthink – on Snapchat I don’t really use it for anything besides a few pics & usually filters with the kids. You get a little smiley face when someone is your best friend & to be honest, you have two chats with someone & they are your best friend. After a few days of chatting it can become a yellow heart which means you are first best friends with the person – this happened with Eastwood. After 2 weeks it can become a red heart to say that you are best friends for 2 weeks… This is about the time that Eastwood backs off… He tells me to find someone else while I’m away for work. Was it a test? Or was that his way of getting rid of me?

Maybe guys don’t get the passing of time, Marvel told me that our second affair was only weeks, when it was actually months. So perhaps the red heart alerts Eastwood that he is into this deeper than he wanted? M8 & I have a flame next to our names – this means you’ve sent snaps to each other consecutively for however many days. We get up to about 12 or 13 before the little egg timer shows & I send him a snap. I get us up to 15 then give up. In my head I’m thinking we can say at our wedding that we’ve snapped each other everyday since we became friends (I mean as if I would say that, but it’s the stupid scenario I have & I’d never had a streal before.)

I can overthink until my brain explodes. I overthink until I can’t sleep. I want to be able to cry, I want to let out some emotions but I am a stone once again… After I said I love you to Marvel, I cried a lot easier, pre I love you I wasn’t able to cry. I am back there… There is nothing a man can do to me now that can hurt me. I am untouchable.

#IBD4U

However, I am back to the drawing board for an electrician who I won’t get a tingle of feelings for & won’t charge me a million dollars. Fuck. Why did I fuck him… I am so fucked off… I have only slept with 4 people this year & that includes Marvel – a slow year for me but I haven’t wanted to meet new people or be adding to my number, which is up there around the ‘holy fuck’ range.

After a few days of me being dramatic & overthinking about this one, I send him a happy birthday message on the Saturday, I get a thanks back & he posts on snapchat asking people what they’re doing. My overthinking optimistic brain hopes that’s aimed at me, but probably not so I ignore it.

M8 messages the next day to ask how I’ve been on the Sunday afternoon, I don’t want to reply straight away, but I can’t help myself, I wait a bit, reply & then head to my sisters but he replies instantly that I am sucked in but I don’t reply as quickly as I had once done with him & I am careful not to write too much… We chat a bit that week & a few snapchats, I know it’s not back to how it was nor will it ever get back there but I feel like it’s not all lost… I mean he is about to have a fucking baby with someone else…

Um so yeah, I don’t really understand TikTok, I’m old, but I have it, I get addicted to watching shit on there sometimes for hours, other times I forget about it for weeks… But it’s a period of time where I am watching it a lot. M8’s ex girlfriend – if we can call her that, lets call her his most recent baby mumma, keeps coming up on my TikTok as a ‘for you’ video… WTF?!

I am not usually the type to stalk – as you know, this isn’t the first time she’s come up but I watch this new video which is a filter of a old photo, scanning a circle over a recent photo, so it’s one of her pregnant & one of her not pregnant, I click on the comments & M8, along with other creepy looking dudes have commented, M8’s comment it “still taste the same” which he wrote on the Sunday that he was messaging me… FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!

I look though some of her other videos, because I am now down this rabbit hole & he hardly has commented on anything of hers, even all the videos that he’s in when they were together or the ones of her crying after they broke up… She mainly has stupid dance videos & her in lingerie asking if she’s sexy, of course there are comments galore from weirdos (or perhaps people she knows?). However now all the recent videos, have an kissing face emoji from M8… URGH! This is why I don’t stalk, FFS! It’s not good for my mental health… Well at least I know what happened with this one! Even if he still messages me. I’m not your fucking back up plan!

Needless to say I found another electrician, to do the towel rails that M8 just seemed to refuse to do… I will see what else happens with this guy though – something fucking stupid inside me tells me not to write him off just yet, I do have a lot of other electrician work that has reared its ugly head with this reno, so I may be able to get him to do some for me at a cheaper price!

A couple of days later our mutual friend asks me if I’ve heard from him, I say sporadically & she says that his pregnant ex has put his car up as her profile picture & is now in a relationship on FB – he’s not on FB. So at least it’s confirmed that I don’t need to wonder what happened here… But fuck it still is fucking hard… I mean, he fucked me a week before getting back together with her – that doesn’t make me feel good. I mean he saw me naked & then went right back to his 19 year old pregnant girlfriend that he’s broken up with twice… I mean I must be so fucking hideous. I mean his GF has a hot body – even pregnant, but she’s a young attention seeker (lingerie on tiktok all the time) & has braces, short brown hair, she’s super skinny… I am not, no matter how hard I try, I am always fat… I never move from this weight, while everyone around me does & gets boyfriends. I am just gonna eat whatever & get fat again. What’s the point of all this effort?!

I think this one’s kind of hit me hard & I feel so badly about, was because it happened when I least expected it, I genuinely didn’t even think about this guy in any sort of way at all – except as my electrician… I was expecting him to come over, do my electrical work & go away. I wasn’t expecting him to hang out & take me out for lunches, actually wanting to spend time with me. Telling our mutual friend how much we’ve got in common & telling me all the time how funny I am, how he likes hanging out with me… I guess it just took me by surprise that he was actually interested in me & I wasn’t expecting it or wanting it. But I felt so comfortable with this guy, more comfortable than I’ve felt in a long time… I mean he met me when I was like looking like a bridge troll & he still wanted to hang out with me…

But I guess the 19 days (yes, shortest infatuation ever!) it took since he came over to have a look at the job for me, to when we had sex, I was played… I was played like a fucking fiddle! I should have known better, I should have stepped away, I should have left it as a kiss… I shouldn’t have even let it get to a kiss… FUCK!

#IBD4U

I have instant disappointment. Fuck. I lay there unable to move with my hands over my face, willing my legs to move. He asks if I’m ok, I say I am, because I am, I just realise what a fucking mistake I’ve just made. I don’t regret it, I never regret anything, it’s the choice I made in the moment, but I wish now that I had of resisted! This is fucked. I hate this feeling… How do other women fuck a guy & end up being in a relationship with them, I do it & they run away before I can even stand up… Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I get up & get dressed, even though I can barely move my legs. I’m feeling like a fuckwit. An actual fucking idiot. I was played, by a guy I genuinely didn’t think would play me. Fuck, I’m so stupid. Like this is the most stupid I’ve ever been… Why would I think this guy wouldn’t play me?! After everything I’ve been though, how could I think this multiple red flag dude wouldn’t play me. Maybe because our friend also bought into the fact that he was keen…. FUCK. Anyway he hugs me goodbye at the door, it’s not a brief hug, it lingers but it reeks of I got what I wanted & he leaves literally less than 2 minutes after he came. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I am stripping my bed of my soaked quilt cover from my squirting all over the place, when there is a knock at my door… I am shocked to find M8 standing there, looking all casual & cute, a million things go through my mind about what he’s doing back here. Maybe he’s feeling guilty, maybe he wants to make sure I’m alright, maybe he decides he wants to stay. This could be my rom com moment – when the guy leaves but then comes back because he realises that he’s made a mistake.. NOPE! He comes back because his car won’t start & he says that his car battery is flat & asks me to help him push it out of my driveway. You’ve got to be kidding me right? Only my fucking life would rub the salt in the wounds… I do, of course, push the car out to the road but as soon as it’s on the road, I go inside… That is just the perfect ending to this fucking shit story! You fucking wanker #IBD4U.

To my surprise, though he messages me shortly after leaving asking me something about the clothes line, to continue the banter. I laugh thinking maybe it wasn’t a mistake? He is still keen on the banter, on talking to me, on messaging me… Or is this part of the charm?! He says he got the stuff for the rest of my job too. I don’t reply because I am at my little business… But just as I am finishing up, I get a message “hey hey.” I apologise for not replying to either message then we have back & forth banter until I fall asleep at 11:00pm. I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t come over for round 2, or why he was in such a rush to get out of my house… Especially since he lives with his parents…

J-Lo has an opinion of course, I mean I don’t think anyone is going to be worthy of me in his eyes, if I think about it, but I still go to him for advice. But he seems to think that M8 is heavily into drugs… Now I’m not innocent, so I can pick up the vibes that someone is acting weird, but there is no weirdness here… Also our mutual friend is an ex addict & her ex is still fucked so she’s very anti drug, so I don’t think she’d be friends with someone heavily into hard drugs… I’m sure he smokes weed, most guys do it, especially those guys into cars.

But when I send a picture of his car to J-Lo, it sets him off… J-Lo is even more convinced he got fired from his $150k FIFO job because he’s on drugs & he has a druggie car… Whatever that means… He’s like no one quits those type of jobs to live with their parents… So I ask our mutual friend & she says that he’d just had enough of it & has a casual job here but because he used to earn so much money, that’s what he wants to be paid here in Adelaide & he so he’s just doing casual work. I genuinely don’t get the drug (or hard drugs on the regular) vibe from him.

I had told M8 I’ll be home around 11am on the Tuesday, to finish off… When he doesn’t say if he’s coming or not, I wonder if I am supposed to message him or if he’s just going to ghost me but as I’m preparing my smoothies for the week, he just appears at my door. No kiss hello. No hug. No touch. So I guess that’s it, it was just sex for him, he got what he wanted, there will be no dinner dates, I guess… I just go about making my smoothies & let him do what he needs to do. He’s so fast. Like if he worked this fast when he started the job, he would have done the job in about 4-6 hours. Instead this is day 4. He’s only there 2 hours saying he’s got to get shit done before he goes away tomorrow…

There is a bit of banter but my boss sends me a weird email which throws me off my good mood axis at work. I struggle with a lot of comments at work due to my previous work experience, as you would expect, I have a PTSD of sorts from all the bullying & bullshit! So this reply from her telling me I didn’t provide constructive feedback, makes me think, well neither is your feedback… Anyway I sulk, this thing I built up in my head with this guy isn’t going to be what I’d started to hope & work is so up & down…

When he leaves, there is a bit of long hug, which hurts my neck again & I don’t hear from him again. No text. No snapchats. Yeah well done #IBD4U. I guess if he never talks to me again, I won’t have to pay him… Fuck. I’m actually a bit cut up about this one though. My usual practice is to ignore them & they go away, I let this happen with Eastwood, I let this happen with pretty much every guy. So I decide I am not going to let it just go, I text him & I ask him why today was so awkward. I also have a snapchat story which he looks at almost instantly but then he finally replies to my text 2 hours later saying that today wasn’t awkward, he just had shit to do. I decide to leave it. I understand the brush off, I’m not a fool… I am never good at the chase & clearly no one ever wants to chase me. Another one bites the dust I guess.

The next day I get a text “why so quiet” which makes me smile when I see it on my watch… Wanker. I say that I am not quiet & just try to get back to the banter & chats that we had before we had sex. This is fixable. But the chat is strained & sporadic. He doesn’t reply to a lot of the questions I ask like how’s work going or where is he. – knowing he’s away in the sticks for work but not sure where… He also says he’s been busy or that he was driving… Yeah right! He fucking text & snapped me while driving when it suited him… On the weekend we send snaps consistently as I’m building my now tool bench then nothing. Crickets.

But then I get texts like hey hey. The next day the same, snaps full on for a bit then nothing. Later that might I get a text “good day out“. I ask is that a statement or a question, he says both but he doesn’t try at all to converse with me at all, it’s gone from multiple sentences per texts to one word statements. Whatever… I knew it was stupid of my to get my hopes up with this one or anyone…

One Sunday night, we’re chatting, I say I’m in the bath, a clear invite for some cheeky chatter with a boy, right?! But he says he needs to send me his bank details, which he does, I pay & the conversation doesn’t go further. He looks at the snaps I send but doesn’t reply, leaving me on read. But then sends a sunrise pic the next morning. I reply but don’t get one back. Our mutual friend says he’s doing the same with her. Maybe things will be different when he gets home… But it is his birthday on the Saturday & Fathers Day on Sunday (which he hates cos he can’t see his kids due to the witch – she’s an actual witch apparently selling sage & doing spells!) He did quit his FIFO job because he hated being away so maybe this trip away is just getting him down. I know I am a bit different when travelling. Marvel always said so, that I was different when I was away for work, maybe it changes a person? Or maybe I’m an idiot.

#IBD4U

So I have fucked up – Majorly!

Foodland #1 & Foodland #2 are not written about the same man! FUCK! I genuinely have no idea who Foodland #1 is to be really honest with you, but he was someone I worked with at Foodland obviously but I can’t even picture who it is in my head reading back on it & at which Foodland, being I worked at a few. But the guy I wrote about in Foodland #2 – is a different guy that we need to discuss now! I never worked with him but he was friends with everyone I worked with at a different Foodland, because he went to school with all my friends… So what the fuck, you don’t know the story of Foodland #2 part one, so I need to go back in time & remember… So from now on, he will be called Plumber. (Are you confused?!)

Fuck, I’m confused! This is confusing. So forget about Foodland #1 – he is a stand alone story that never should’ve had a #2. However, Plumber is in the story for Foodland #2. It was the second time I dated Plumber, it was exactly as outlined in Foodland #2. However lets revisit what actually happened the first time I dated Plumber. I don’t recall a lot of it – obviously, I forgot to write about the poor bloke & I’ve dated him twice – including having sex with him! So it’s not going to be a in-depth story, but I’ll piece it together for you & give you an overview so we can get on with this story. It’s important I right this wrong, because – Spoiler Alert, there is more to this story!

So I assume I meet Plumber online (7 years ago in real time!) I can’t really remember where we start chatting or how but we worked out how we knew each other, from around Foodland (Which is why I thought he was Foodland #1). Because I know of him, or he knows people I know, I assume that he’s not some sort of serial killer or whatever, so I invite him over to my house. We watch a movie that I already had on – otherwise I make them pick the movies because I don’t want them to be sitting there hating what we’re watching.

I remember I was tipsy & it’s why I don’t recall much of this. But usually after I date someone, I write some notes. I had nothing on this guy… I know we have sex & he gets up to go right after & ghosts me. Yep they old “I-got-what-I-wanted-so-bye” trick. I think we do talk again a few years later online but he ghosts me shortly after, we didn’t meet up that time though. I don’t remember the ins & outs.

In the last 7 years I have matched with him 3 times. So the first time when we had sex, another time when we just chatted online & via text, I think this is when he tried to add me on FB but I never accepted, he was sporadic with his texts & we never met at that 2nd encounter. It basically dwindles & we just stop talking. Then about 2 years ago the Foodland #2 story happened & he’s followed me on Snapchat ever since, just like Motocross did till he deleted me & like every other guy I add has… They don’t chat to you, they just watch you story, mildly stalking you.

So onto what should be part #3 for this guy – Plumber. I don’t know how we started chatting again but we do – I’m not online, so I think he just starts replying to my snapchat stories & I engage in some light conversation, he has a girlfriend (not that he tells me that, she’s on his FB profile – his request is still in my FB notifications) & so I take every opportunity to remind him. We also talk about what the fuck happened, both times we’ve dated. So he’s recently told me that the first time – at my house, I basically wasn’t affectionate enough & that’s how he knows his prospective partner is interested in him. The second time, the movie date where he famously made me hold his hand even though I didn’t want to – probably part of the affection thing too – he tells me that he thought I would never let the first time (him ghosting me after sex) go because I kept bringing it up & giving him shit about it so he thought I would never have sex wit him again. RIGHT.

He also tells me that he wasn’t in a great head space when we went to the movies but I call bullshit because he got a girlfriend 5 months later, who he is still with right now, 2 years later! So yeah, that doesn’t make me feel fucking good at all! So very interesting though – his idea of what happened, I genuinely thought we were having a laugh the night at the movies when I kept joking that I wasn’t going to sleep with him because I didn’t want him to ghost me again. In his mind, he’s thinking I am not into him because I won’t hold his hand & I keep bringing up the past. Then when he does ghost me the next day, for me, I am proven right & then validated as to why I didn’t fuck him & that he is just after one thing…

Interesting how he can tease me all the time about not remembering the night we met the first time. I mean it was 7 years ago & I was tipsy, so of course I don’t remember. So he makes jokes & teases me, reminding me, sharing tidbits about the night. About what I was wearing, about how we had sex, like what positions etc. But I am going to get upset that he is having banter with me? No, because it’s funny. So why the fuck was he so sensitive about me doing the same thing to him?! Plumber tells me he remembers that we watched some British movie. (I must’ve been more than tipsy!) He also tells me that I fell asleep on him.. Did I really?! I don’t just usually fall asleep unless I’m super drunk, which means I probably was & he just left! Oh what a gentleman! I wish I wrote notes about this date, it probably would have saved me some trouble!

So as part of this renovation, I want to move my hot water unit & of course Plumber has offered to do it… When he comes over to have a look, I can’t put my finger on it… I don’t think he’s the type to take drugs but maybe he’s nervous, his sort of grinding his jaw & won’t look me in the eye… He has a look at the job & then tells me I have a gas leak. Well fuck. I actually smelt gas this morning actually, which I just tried to ignore, he says that he can re-pipe the house, that he’ll work out the price & text me. The price is only $600 or so, so I get him to re-pipe the house. He drops off the copper pipe on Friday morning at almost 6:00 am – I am actually on my way to the gym & dive past him then see him on my cameras. He messages me & I reply when I’m at the gym, saying I drove past him & he says that he was hoping to catch me in bed. What the actual fuck?! I ask what he would do & he asks if I want to know of can he just do it. I say that he’s confusing but he says that I am. I ask him what he would do if I said I’d left the door unlocked for him & he doesn’t reply!

He comes back the next day when I am at the gym to start the job & I then have clients so I am in & out all day. He is the same, jaw grinding sort of look, won’t look me in the eyes. I just don’t see him as the drug taking type of guy & it’s like 9:00am on a Saturday! He messages me while I am out if he can have a drink – he’s obviously already looked in my fridge. I don’t mind this either but it’s a bit weird… I come home & he is walking around trying to get the hot water service to work… but it won’t. I notice when he’s fixing my heater & the oven that he’s wearing a wedding ring – well in 2 years he’s fucking married her!? Jesus…

Plumber also uses my toilet without asking (not a big deal, as if I would say no, but very familiar) He even calls someone to get help with the hot water service. I have no hot water & that night I go to my sisters kicking myself for moving this hot water service! He comes back Sunday & his demeanour is the same. He spends ages trying to get the hot water service to work before he comes inside & says “Do you know that hot water service is 17 years old?”

Fuck so he has broken my perfectly good hot water service & now I have to go buy another one, which he doesn’t help me with at all… I run around on Monday morning getting one & dropping it home, thinking he’ll be there right after work, usually on snapchat he’s knocking off around 4:00 pm, I won’t be home so I race around to get it home so he can get it in & I text him. I get home around 6:00 pm & have not hot water service. FFS. I type out a passive aggressive text & don’t hit send. I just get dinner & sit there thinking about what I should do when Moody Plumber arrives. Barely says hello, stomps around putting in the new hot water service, saying how tired he is & being all snippy. I just stay out of his way thinking I didn’t ask for this, he offered & he assured me when I said I bet the hot water service will die that it wouldn’t! He fixes the new one & leaves in a huff – like it was my fault.

A few days later he replies to a snapchat story & he chat for a bit, he says something about being horny or something & I say that I’m always horny & he he says that he should’ve just done what he wanted to, to me on the weekend… I remind him that he is married, he tells me that he wears a ring but is not married… Um, yeah sure. Women do that, but never heard of a dude wearing a wedding ring without being married… We have these frustrating conversations, him trying to be flirty talking about how compatible we are sexually so I decide that I am going to call his bluff… I am feeling horny so I just write back “Come over & fuck me.” He doesn’t read it for over 24 hours & then when he does, he never replies.

Now this would normally be a cliff hanger, but to be honest, he’s not worth another post… When he does reply, I try my hardest not to message back but seriously I have a problem! Why can’t I just ignore them… Finally after asking him some plumbing advice, which he never reads but looks at my story, I delete the messages & move on with my life. I will find a plumber elsewhere… How fucking annoying!

Weeks later, he messages me Christmas day (2022) & asks if I had a good day… I fight so hard not to write back. & I bloody did it!!! Hahaha… You’ll see why soon!

#IBD4U

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s a busy day for everyone, this is a scheduled post day, so I post! I have posted a mixed bag for you because it’s too busy to settle down with your morning coffee, so here is a quick read for you if you have time. If not, read tomorrow when you’re laying on the couch recovering from too much food & alcohol!

These are really really old stories, I had written them ages ago before I ended my blog but for some reason I never posted them, I guess because my plan was to elaborate on them eventually & make the a proper post but I never did, so here they are… Some more random stories.

Pharmacy guy

I met this guy online way back in 2016 before Noodle. His wife had just cheated on him & was with the guy, which oddly they were all living together for the sake of the kid… I saw him a few times but to be honest he was so skinny & weird that I struggled to want to meet him. He has been to my house & had slept over so he could get away from the wife & her new partner, but I didn’t want to be used for my bed – however the sex I recall was pretty good even though he was skin & bones.

One other thing about this guy that always turned me off was his drug taking, he would apparently open up duromine (legal speed used for weight loss) capsules & take some out then seal them back up. Not only do I not believe him as duromine comes in blister packs but who would even do that?!

Once night he’s coming over but he’s taking so long to get to my house that I go to bed & tell him not to come, but he says that he’s in my driveway… I reluctantly let him in & I think that the first night he sleeps over.

I stop seeing him, I don’t really remember why or what happens but it’s done pretty abruptly, I think perhaps he reconciled with his wife. I never asked!

Work Mum’s friend

I think at every work place we have a work family, I guess she’s my work mum though she’s too young to really be my mum so I should say she’s my older work sister. He has an electrician who she talks too about me & he says to her that I have a sexy name, I think perhaps this could be my love story… Again before Noodle. He’d just broken up with someone though so I don’t want to get involved.

A few years later, I need some electrical work done & forgetting the sexy name comment, she recommends him & I give him a call. It takes him ages to come to my house for a quote & even longer to do the job. He was cute & I would’ve gone on a date with him, so I text him afterwards to say thanks & we did chat a tiny bit but then it dwindled out… Another romantic comedy scenario bites the dust… 

Big Red

Minding my on business one night I get a random text from a guy who keeps insisting he knows me. Saying that he is sorry that when big red & I stopped each other that he lost contact with me… I have no idea who big red is, but this guy messaging me seems to know tings about me, so either he has me mixed up or some one is sitting opposite me in the pub having a good old laugh! What the fuck… This is so long ago I don’t really remember it, but it was so funny, this guy knew my name but everything else was off… Now if you know my name, you’d see why this is so weird, my name is pretty rare – especially for people my age, so not like he could have guessed it. Also he had my number, but all the other facts were so incorrect that I have no idea how this guy got it so wrong… I had to just stop replying, it was getting too weird for me & I was starting to think I had a stalker, but he stopped.

#IBD4U

When I’m dropping off my friends Dog home, he messages “It was good hanging out with yah today haha you are hilarious” I smile like a wanker… Why do I do that?! We chat a bit & I say thanks again for lunch when he says we can eat something else if I like, then asks what I like eating. At the time I thought he was asking me out on a date, a proper date, so I mentioned that I like steak when I go out for dinner. Then he says if I’m up for it we can do something different than a burger. So perhaps he is asking me out on a date… Like a proper, lets go out date… I don’t know why that excites me so much… I guess because I wouldn’t be the weirdo that I seem to be on dates because he’s already seen me on my worst outfits & he has gotten past my awkward stage. In fact he’s still not even seen me looking good yet!

I end up going into work for the morning & wait for him to message me because the reno has been postponed till Wednesday, which is so annoying but we didn’t make a time, so I don’t want to work from home if I don’t have too, my boss has already been kind enough to let me stay home with the dogs. In the morning, I dress so carefully for work, even putting on makeup so when I come back home & he’s comes over, I can look good – in a corporate sort of way – a grey skirt, a shirt & tights. But he’s already at my house when I get there, how did he beat me?! So we walk inside together, I let in the dogs & we chat for a few minutes, but he gets started straight on working – it’s sort of raining so he keeps whining about having to get on my roof while it’s raining. I go to my room & get changed, not sure if I should close the door or not but I get into my standard Hurley track pants & my LSKD jumper then I sit down with my work laptop.

He finds ways to chat to me & sits down to look over my shoulder, to show interest, he gets close to me when there is no need, that I think that this isn’t just him actually wanting to touch me… I help him by being a sparky apprentice by pulling cords through the wall, as I had to yesterday too… He pulls too much cord though so I poke it back into the walls when he’s not looking! Hahaha.

He looks at my work emails quickly over my shoulder & talks about how fast I type, asking if I can look at him while typing me email, which I do but I have to look away because looking him in the eye, does something to me & my clit tingles. I haven’t had that since Noodle looked at me the first time. This isn’t the same. I don’t like to think any situation is comparable, but it gave me a similar -albeit less because I was in love with Noodle when I met him – feeling.

Around lunchtime M8 is hungry & so I suggest we just get something delivered but he says that we should just go get lunch again at a place of his suggestion, Vietnamese. I wonder if this the the ‘other food’ he was talking about last night over text or is he still thinking of a proper date? He walks in to the restaurant after saying just as we get out the car that his friend works here. But he’s so familiar with her, doesn’t introduce me, let’s me pay for it – or makes it obvious I am paying, I was going to try anyway but he doesn’t even pretend that he’s going to pay, so I just stand back & let them catch up. They talk about his birthday next weekend & other general shit. She hugs him goodbye & we leave.

Eating lunch back at my house, he sends hideous snapchat filter pics to our mutual friend of me eating but also those ones with your tongue out but it’s not your tongue & she sends them to me. I laugh & don’t really care, it’s pretty funny. He heads to the shops for something else but I stay at home cos I’m supposed to be working. He sends me snapchats from whatever store he’s in & he also sends shapchats while driving – not good I know but it’s an important fact to know.

He’s done on Monday about 2:30 pmish I guess, knowing I have clients tonight so need him to wrap this up, even though he’s still not finished – putting up 6 cameras shouldn’t take this long, surely! He’s only put up 4 so far on each corner of the outside of the house but still have two more to do, so he says he’ll come back tomorrow, but he has to go home for a shower & get a cable extension or something & a plug cover. As he’s leaving, almost at the front door, I remind him to cover my man hole again because he left the cover off yesterday & it freaked me out having it open all night. I start to walk out to get the ladder & he rests his arms on my shoulders sort of pushing me (not is a rude way, in a flirty way) against his body to go out & get the ladder. Once he puts the ladder back outside, he goes to my front door again, I stand the awkwardly & turn back to the lounge room & he rests his arms on my shoulders again, I put my hand up to feel his arms & he pulls me in close, so my back moulds to the front of his body…

He turns me around after a minute or two standing there, him still chatting & we proper hug, he’s so tall, I am on a weird angle, it really hurts my back & neck so I have to squirm out of it but I don’t want to stop it, however I’m getting a sharp pain in my neck. I pull away & stand away from him but he pulls me back for another excruciating hug before we stare at each other knowing we’re about to kiss…

Fuck no.

We’re looking at each other as we move into kiss…. We kiss for so long at my front door. The only thing going through my mind right now is how much I want this but I don’t want to lose my electrician! I try to push that thought out of my mind, why does this mean I lose an electrician, maybe I’ll gain a free electrician instead! I kiss him back & finally allow my hands to roam… He’s so tall, taller than any guy I’ve ever kissed before – I think even taller than Marvel. We kiss for so long, not wanting to take this further but also I do… He slips my jumper off & fumbles with my bra for ages, bending down to take each one of my nipples into his mouth… Fuck I want this, but fuck I don’t.

He walks me into my bedroom but as soon as we lay on the bed, the dogs break though the baby gate & jump on the bed, I put them out but they break though again, so I put them outside with a treat & return to him, straddling him & kissing him with my tits out saying that we shouldn’t do this… He asks why & I say because I still have electrical work I want done, but he says he’ll still do it… Of course he’ll say he’ll do it, he’s about to get lucky so like any guy, they’d say anything to make that happen. We kiss more, it’s hot & heavy kissing… He asks if I have a condom, I say yes & he takes off both our pants but I still am in my head. This is not a good idea… If I fuck this guy & he disappears, I’ll be not only pissed I don’t have an electrician again – like Daizy but I also somehow in a short amount of time I have started having a tingle of feelings for this guy, a fucking crush… Something I haven’t had in a long time or ever.

I mean there have been guys I’ve liked of course, guys I’ve started thinking about a future with them, planning in my head, but this guy, I felt like I was living my future with him the last few days… OMG that sounds dumb but there is something more here than there has been with any other guy I’ve dated, with the exception of you know who. There is more chemistry, more spark, more banter, I am more myself because I never thought this would be anything. He sees the real me… I don’t want to fuck this up… This will fuck this up…

I’m resisting so much… He’s on top of me, kissing every inch of me… I keep saying we shouldn’t be doing this & he asks if I want him to stop. I ask if he can stop & he stops & looks me in the eyes & says if you want me to stop then yes, I’ll stop. Do you want me to stop? I moan & turn my head, he kisses my neck & I grab his dick in my hand… He moans as I stroke it. He says he really wants to fuck me & asks if I want him too… I make a noise that says yes but no. Hahaha. When he lays next to me, sliding his fingers inside me, I am so surprised that he makes me squirt so much, 4 times in fact. I normally don’t squirt with someone new, I hold it in, but I couldn’t… Fuck!

He seems pretty happy with himself & rubs my clit this time, I beg him not to stop cos he’s about to make me cum again… Which I do. He says he really wants to fuck me but I joke & say I got what I wanted & laugh sitting up to get a condom. He says something about my jar of condoms – which to be honest are probably all out of date because they’ve been there so long but I stupidly say to him that they’re there because this is how I pay all the tradies. Which is not even close to true. I have never fucked a random tradie doing work at my house before…

He puts on the condom without there being too much who-ha about it, then kisses me as he slides inside me, grabs my neck & puts my hands above my head. Fuck it’s sexy when a guy hold your hands above your head. I don’t get much time to get into the actual sex before he says that he’s cum… He lays inside me for a while, not heaps long but enough for me to think just get off & lay next to me. While he’s lying there he says something about how quick he came & I reassure him that it’s all good, I’d cum so I’m not complaining. But he jumps up & puts the condom in the bin – in my kitchen, I assume he’ll come back to bed to lay down for a minute or two, just a short time – till I regain my composure. I can’t move, my legs are still shaking but he’s getting dressed. I realise he’s leaving. No quick cuddle as we come down from cumming. Wham bamn thank you mam.

#IBD4U

So I have to reveal since I haven’t mentioned him much throughout the posts, that yes I am still seeing Marvel. Once a month, we get together for a hour of passion, an hour of screaming orgasms & a little chit chat, before we go about our lives.

I know said that I wasn’t going to date in my 40’s & while that was 100% accurate information, a few of the guys in the stories this year have not been from a dating site… But yeah I guess I’ve dated Daizy, I’ve been speed dating twice, I’ve dated Eastwood – if you can call it that, I tried to date Concreter, I’ve guess you could say I dated M8.

I officially stop online dating after matching with Eastwood & haven’t been back on since. Yet somehow, people still come along when I’m not looking for someone. I get that people say that stupid cliche to me all the time, but fuck it’s never usually right… I also didn’t stop seeing men as a tactic to find someone either.

So I’m still seeing Marvel without fail, every month. It’s also like he knows too because when it’s been close to the end of the month & we haven’t caught up, he’s a bit more accommodating, saying the days he’s free, not just giving one option. He’s got a new phone, so he’s been able to come to my house, which he has done most months this year. I don’t think that I’ve been to his house once. I do wish we could go to his house sometimes, but it’s probably better at mine, much more safer.

It’s interesting how I don’t have the same feelings that I once did for him, when I see him, I now see the flaws, they’re not flaws as such but I now see past the rose coloured glasses, I guess. I no longer see the hottest man that I’ve ever seen in front of me, I see a guy who is super attractive to me, makes me cum & gives me the best sex I’ve ever had, but that’s it really… I can now differentiate between this man & the man I loved. I know they’re the same human, but we are not the same as we were. We keep our distance & that’s just how it is. That’s how it works.

Marvel often doesn’t write back to me for weeks on end & then will talk to me for a couple of messages, to dangle the carrot to so speak. I don’t know if he’s online or not during that time, but it doesn’t mess with my head anymore. I care, but I don’t care if that makes sense. Like I want it how it was but this is better without talking about our feelings. I guess my vagina gets upset & I get super grumpy, but at least I am not upset about him messaging me back or catching up with me, because I know he can’t stay away.

At one point a friend, who’s related to the one who introduced me to Concreter says to me one day “Can you please not can you please not see Marvel while you’re dating Concreter?” This was an interesting conversation for me. I said of course, because of course I would stop seeing Marvel if I became exclusive with someone, but I am not giving him up before I’ve even meet a guy or before he asks me to be his girlfriend. However, in this case, I felt it a little premature, I didn’t even get to meet this “wonderful” guy before he ghosted me for what seemed at the time, no good reason…

I’ve tried cutting Marvel out of my life, as you know if you’ve been a regular reader of my blog. It didn’t work. I didn’t have any better success at dating when I wasn’t talking to him, in fact it was worse. So for those of you that think that if I got rid of Marvel, I would find the love of my life. I didn’t speak to him for an entire year, we then were together 5 months, then didn’t talk for 5 months & during those breaks, the same thing happens to me over & over again.

So regardless of whether I’m seeing Marvel or not, at least I know what I getting from him, it’s chatting when he can – which isn’t too often & not about about thing of significance. We come together for hot passionate, steamy sex. It’s not perfect, it’s not exactly what I want but at least it’s consistent & I’m not increasing my number with another random boy. I have slept with so many people which I’m not entirely proud of the fact that my number is so fucking high. I hate that about me & I don’t want that number to go up, so I think that I am making better choices about which met I let into my vagina, yet I have the same result!

At least what I have with him is honest & at least its passionate & I know I’m going to cum multiple times that it’s going to get me through to the next time I see this guy again. I’m not saying I’m proud of what I’m doing with Marvel either but why would I give it up if he’s willing to do it. He gets sex but he still talks to me. Guys that I meet put in so much effort, get sex once & then they disappear. Almost every single guy in this blog has basically done that to me.

This year has been a dating year where I genuinely could see myself with some of the guys that are actually dated. If I didn’t have Marvel, I’m not sure I would have survived these guys this year. The heartaches (not really a break, I wasn’t that invested, but I was invested enough to be hurt!) I don’t think I would have sailed though some of this year without knowing that I didn’t have to try hard to get sex, I know that I will see Marvel, he won’t be spinning me bullshit to get me into bed & making me feel like shit.

So, if I had of cut Marvel out of my life years ago, like I probably should have, he would have always been on this pedestal. He would have always been this untouchable, unreachable, man for me, that no guy would have been able to compare too. Our perfect love would have always been the thing I compare everything else too. But now, he is not on that pedestal. There have been men this year that I actually saw myself being able to give him up for. It would hurt like fuck to give Marvel up & not see him again, but I would do it for my future & for the new person I am falling for.

I find interesting if any of you are out there judging me… Yeah this isn’t a good situation to be in, I don’t love it but you should be judging all the guys that have had an opportunity to actually date me, be with me, to actually be my partner but they for some unknown reason to probably even them, they let me slip though their fingers.

#IBD4U

Now let’s just talk red flags 🚩 because – yes people have them, I must do or I wouldn’t have been basically single for almost 16 years, but surely eventually those red flags don’t matter with someone you truly like… Our mutual friend tells me that red flags can turn pink… Pink is a nice colour, apparently according to her… That I shouldn’t just write people off… I am sort of on her side a bit mainly because of the banter with this guy… His red flags are – that he just quit his FIFO electrician job so he isn’t working at all, he lives at home with his mum & dad because he just broke up with his girlfriend. This recent girlfriend is 19 years old & due to have their baby in October – a kid he doesn’t want but he stayed as long as he could apparently. She also has a child with her previous partner or previous baby trap. He also has 2 other biological kids & a step-kid with another woman who is apparently horrible & she won’t let him see them plus they live regionally… All this coming from our mutual friend, not him. So that’s 5 kids in his life, all whom which he doesn’t or won’t see…

Okay, okay, that’s a lot of flags… It’s just been some fun banter – there is definitely chemistry there, there is a spark, there is attraction, I think on both sides. Chemistry that I haven’t felt with anyone for a long time… Something that isn’t forced like with Eastwood. It’s easy, it’s funny, it light & he’s definitely attractive… So I’ll just have to ignore any stupid feelings that may have been brewing, even more so when our mutual friend says to me that he has been asking her over & over if I am single… Stop it. Stop thinking he could be something. But he constantly messages me, if I don’t reply quick enough sometimes, he’ll message hey or ask what are you doing. Which of course makes me smile like a wanker… I’m always attracted to people who make me laugh & boy does he make me laugh & he gets my dry sense of humour & the best part about it, is he’s seen me looking my worst & still keen to chat to me!! I mean, Concreter didn’t even fucking want to meet me!! I decide, despite the red flags, to put out some good vibes to the universe! This guy could be a good match for me, someone not too serious being that everything in my life is pretty serious. Everyone has baggage right?! Let’s just go with the flow… Give this guy a chance.

On Sunday he messages that he coming over & he asks if it’s burger day. So I say yes but there’s just one thing. When he asks what, I say that I am vegan & only eat organic. Standing there giggling like a school girl at my phone, I hope he gets my jokes. I think he gets that I am joking because he says he doesn’t eat cooked grass. It’s a joke we talk about it for the rest of the day till we eat the burgers.

Anyway, I am about to embark on a massive backyard renovation so I have to pack up my whole backyard, empty my shed & sort shit out. My dogs are also having a play date with their friend so I have an extra dog over. (yes my dogs had a friend over!) M8 loves my dogs, he loves the extra dog (or so he makes out – I find out later that he’s not an animal lover) so my overthinking brains makes me start thinking as we walk around looking where I want the cameras, that this is how easy it would be if we were together, just casual chit chat & laughs. He stands around watching me moving crap around but he does actually help with a few things, like moving my trailer that is full out my outdoor setting & other crap & he helps pull down a gate that was only cable tied to the posts. I didn’t really want it down, but it’s all good… He finally gets the ladder out & goes to get up my man hole but because he’s 6ft 3 (or something mega tall) he can’t get in the space, so he asks for my other ladder to get up on the roof. All day, he constantly finds me when he comes down the ladder to chat or say something to me. He’s there at my house a lot longer than I feel like he needs to be or the fact he’s taking his sweet ass time doing this job, but I secretly really am enjoying the banter, so I don’t mind. It’s not like it’s awkward, I really feel like it’s mutual… & you know me, I never ever think that!

At lunchtime he says he’s hungry & we work out that I should get that burger we’ve been talking about all week so we go to Patty burgers. We drive my car to the restaurant to order & he paid, which I tried to pay being he was doing work for me seems a bit silly for him to pay.  I just order whatever he ordered, which was a patty with a mac & cheese patty too… It was good but the build up was too big & it wasn’t amazing. We laugh & joke, I remember him telling me that I have a great personality… I can’t remember why but he did & re reminds me a lot that I’m not that much older than him. We get back to my house & we eat. Just constantly laughing & joking that it’s making me really enjoy his company. Fuck, I’m enjoying it too much. Fuck. Later he sends me snapchats from my roof & I snapchat him back while I’m standing metres away from him. It’s just a fun day.

When he says he needs some drill bit which I know I have but it’s packed away, he says he’s going to go to Bunnings. He’s got an amazing car & so I say I need to get a clothesline so I’ll come with him. I don’t need it right now & I can’t really afford it but I use it as an excuse to go with him… I measure the space I need & say the measurement as 2-800 instead of 2800. He pisses himself laughing. I feel like a fuckwit but laugh too… Who says two eight hundred. (I spell it out so you understand how dumb I am!) I tell him to drive  because I want to have a ride in this sexy car… I also like how people look at us when we get out of it & when we walk into the shops… Its easy. There’s no awkwardness… I feel like this is what shopping with a partner would be like. He shows me the drill bit he’s buying & I tell him I definitely have that but I call it something else. He shows me another drill bit which I forget what’s what now but I was calling them the wrong names. But anyhow, I do have the bit he bought. He also paid & wouldn’t let me pay, however he did take them with him when he finished the job.

When we get to the clothes lines section at Bunnings, this is when things get so hilarious & I really start to feel those stupid tingly relationships vibes… He pays me out by saying ‘so we’re looking for a two eight hundred size’. When we’re looking, the only size that’ll will fit king sheets is too big for the space & these only fit double sheets according to the box – I at least want queen?! I explain that I tumble dry everything anyway to get rid of the dog hair so probably don’t even need a new clothes line anyway. But when he says it’s 15 metres of line, I ask how big that is, so I get him to stand there & I stand next to him & get him to act out 15 pairs of pants, he loses it when he says pants aren’t 1 metre wide as I suggested that it would hold only 15 pairs of pants… Maybe you had to be there but it was fucking comedy gold! He carries the one I pick out, back to the checkout, helps me buy it & puts it in his car. Offering to put it up for me but he needs a hammer drill for the bricks.

Luckily my family bail on dinner at my house that night, but I also have to drop my friends dog home who’s been messaging me about her since about 4:30pm… I was going to just go drop her home quickly, leave M8 here, but I am really trying everything to just be around him too… I feel like he’s doing the same… I don’t often feel like that about guys, I usually have no clue… But this I can sense, I can feel the connection & the pull… It’s almost 6:00pm when M8 finally leaves my house. I explain as were saying goodbye, that I’m working from home this week due to the reno starting & he’s leaving on Wednesday for a away job for a week so he says he’ll come over on Monday to finish up. I honestly can’t wait to see him again & have these laughs, it’s been a long time since I had an actual crush on someone. But this is too quick, this is too soon…

#IBD4U

A client at my little business introduced me to M8 because I need electrical work done, I am becoming paranoid about my dogs & neighbours with the renovation so I bought cameras to put up. While I don’t need an electrician as such, I do have some more heated towel rails which are hard wired to put up so I enlist the skills of a electrician friend of a friend who’s happy to do a cash job for me.

My friend doesn’t give me his contact details, I know he’s a FIFO worker with a girlfriend. But he never comes over the last time he was home, so I post on FB looking for another one but she reminds him, he has now broken up with the girlfriend. Our friend tells me that he’s going to the gym then he’ll be over after work one night. I honestly forget he’s coming because it gets later in the evening (like 8pm – I’m such a grandma) so I’d already changed into my oodie & ugg boots. I looked like a bridge troll to be honest, hair desperately needs washing & I’m not wearing underwear. Such an embarrassing look for a first meeting, now I look back, especially because we had a bit of banter & he was quite cute.

He’s super tall, like over 6ft, quite slim, he’s wearing a hat but he’s got brown hair & wearing glasses. He looks at all the work I want done, draws me a picture of how the cameras will be & where I want them. He looks at the towel rails & says he’ll look in the roof when he’s in there for the cabling to see if he can do them without having to put holes in my bedroom wall. He gives me his number & because it’s close to my birthday, I tell M8 that I may be hungover on the Sunday if he comes over then. I have organised to go out with a bunch of friends on the Saturday afternoon but when I look at the guest list, I realise it’s all couples & one other girlfriend… I do not want to be out with all couples… So I toy with the idea of cancelling saying I’m sick – but then you need a covid test, I could be vomiting or something but praise the weather gods, the weather looks dreadful so I cancel as it’s an outdoor pub… (Ironically the weather was a perfect winter day!)

I message M8 through the week to come over Sunday, he didn’t want to be here when I am not here… He said something about my dogs, but I was like they know who you are now, so it’s all good. But he doesn’t seem to like that idea so I try to organise a time when I am home… I hate being home when tradies are here, because I feel like I should be doing something. He comes over on Sunday & the first thing he says is as he walks in the door & looks at me is “I’ve got that jumper” I laugh & say something like it’s amazing, but I am too busy trying to calm my two year old puppies – which is usually what happens when someone new comes to my house. I genuinely don’t think much of this comment, it’s just a black jumper with a green Zro Fux on it…

He stands in the dining room, going though the boxes of cameras & he starts unravelling all the cables – like for all 6 cameras, so there are cables everywhere, talking to me as I clean up the ants that are running over my kitchen – he says he’ll have a look in the roof for me as to where they are coming from (which he never does!) I also don’t even know how or why but we’re talking about dog hair on my clothes & how bad these dogs shed their fur & so it makes me conscious of the dog hair on the black jumper, that I use my lint roller, in front of him. He also asks about my birthday (he remembered?!), says happy birthday but I tell him I didn’t go out in the end… He asks my age & says that I don’t look 41, which I hear a lot.

Before he starts, I suggest we get the actual cameras synced to my phone & the DVR, so we start connecting it to my TV, it shows up. He remembers my user name & password which makes me uneasy but I don’t think much of it either. We get the cameras connected but then they won’t work when disconnected from the internet. It’s a lot of tooing & froing to get them to connect with my laptop & spare TV but the fuckers won’t connect. We spend about 3 hours trying to connect the stupid thing to my phone but it wouldn’t when we realise that I need a longer ethernet cable. We decide to give up until I get a bigger cord, I say I’ll get one from work tomorrow. So he packs up his stuff but hangs around for about another hour, just chatting & him sending snapchats to fuck knows who, which leads me to understand why it’s called snapchat – you send a snap that’s a chat. Bahahaha, I lose it & he thinks it’s hilarious that I didn’t know that. When he leaves finally – not that it was awkward, but it was a bit weird that he hung around for so long, he narrowly misses my family rocking up for dinner.

I add him on snapchat to send him a joke snapchat, but he doesn’t add me back. I do have a weird user name, so I could look like a bot, I guess… The next day I find a cord at work & send him a text picture of it letting him know I have one… When I get home from work, I connect it up & get all the cameras working on my phone so we solved the problem, I send him some pics of it working. I tell him he can come over this weekend again to install them & he says he’s going out sat night to a car meet “boy things” – his words & he’ll be free Sunday.

This banter lasts all week, we text a lot, more than you should be a random tradie doing work for you & he adds me on snapchat, where we chit chat & joke around, talk about everything non related to my electrical job. I find myself laughing & enjoying the banter with him, considering we’ve only met once… Again when I least expected to be having a connection with a guy, someone comes along… Not thinking much of the late night chats till 1:30am or waking up super early to see a message from him… He keeps the conversation going asking questions, being interested but it doesn’t get dirty cheeky which I like – even when I test the waters on a cheeky chat.

He gest a burger one night this week & it makes me really want a good burger, it becomes a bit of a joke that I never get one due to me trying another fad of Intermittent Fasting, trying to lose more weight, still. He’s not working at the moment so we joke about him driving me places, being that I’ve had to go to the Barossa for work. He seems genuine to want to do that – not that I would make someone drive me somewhere that I barely know, but I feel like there is something more there with this guy than other guys… At one point I even feel like he’s hinting that he’ll housesit for me when I have to go away for work.

We joke about a lot of things… He says things that lead me astray though, like him waiting to see my hair before I straighten it. He also says something about driving when when I say that I have to go pick up my work phone & I’m texting with him so I suggest that he takes me but it never happens for whatever reason – maybe because I wasn’t direct & it got too late & I just went on my own & was home before he said he could do it & probably all for the best, I want my cameras up so I probably shouldn’t push this friendship & just leave him as my electrician.

On Thursday our mutual friend comes to me for her lash appointment & rocks up in a weird car, I ask who’s car & she says a name & I say who’s that? & she laughs replying “Your mate who you’ve been texting all week” oh fuck. What? He’s told her… I was planning on just omitting that from our conversation if I could. I kind of laugh, I’m not pissed, I think it’s super cute & makes me think that he’s genuine & interested in me, if he’s talking about me to her – again I think if you’ve got mutual friends etc then it’s a bit more risky so you tread carefully, well I do at least. Not that Eastwood did, so maybe I’ve got guys all wrong!

She jokes with me about when he’s moving in (multiple times), which I laugh at of course – but it makes me think what else has he said that she hasn’t told me. She tells me that he told her we have the same jumper & also the same sunnies, that I used my lint roller (WTF?! What a highlight!) & that I basically have been the one messaging …. She tells me that this is what he’s like & she believes me. I tell her I can show her the messages that it was a mutual chat & I tell her that I think he’s hilarious. She continues though, to tell me that he has some major 🚩.

#IBD4U

Concreter & I do continue to chat but it actually stops being as regular as it was. I am not chatting regularly to anyone else at this point, so I do feel a bit of a void here, but I don’t feel like this guy is that into me. He’s liked every post I put up on FB (& still does) despite having over 1000 friends on FB, he even comments on most of the renovation photos, but he makes no attempt to try to arrange to meet me face to face.

Both of our lives a pretty hectic, I agree, mine is off the charts hectic at the moment with August being the biggest month of my year, my little business is moving premises, I am renoing, I have to travel for work & find somewhere for the dogs to go & I am trying to study!

He also tells me that he only broke up with the most recent one 4 weeks ago – not quite what my friend said… & that they tried twice, once the broke up while living together & then they tried again recently while living apart, but he still wants her kids in his life… I have no problems with any of that… I mean it is confronting for me & something I would have to deal with but it’s not a deal breaker, but the thing that does concern me is that he can’t find a couple of hours to meet me for a drink!

He tells me that he has a funeral to go to on Friday. Now at this point it’s gone from daily messaging to missing days, to barely getting a conversation going, no phone calls, but I am not going to be that bitch & not message when he’s been at a funeral. Now remember that he knows my two rules. But I text first & say that I hope that today went as well as it could & that I hope it was a good service or something like that. So he calls me.

He sounds a little tipsy, he’s talking a lot & while it was good for a little bit, he gets a bit arrogant about his business & how much money it makes & how much money it’s worth, I don’t really care, I don’t need his money so I don’t really know what to say beside that he’s obviously done well for himself & he should be proud, because he should.

He then goes on about his ex too, bitching about her like you don’t want to hear a man bitch about a woman he was once involved with. Imagine being that girl one day? I mean I try not to speak too badly of people I’ve dated, I have my moments of course but I definitely don’t do it with someone I’m trying to date. I try to avoid the ex conversation as much as I can.

I figure that we should end this here, because he is tipsy, I can tell & this attitude isn’t bad but it isn’t good & it’s not doing anything for me. So I say that I’m about to go have a shower & go to bed. He says something cheeky about me being naked & him coming over but I brush it off. It’s 9:30 pm on a Friday night, this is not how a I want to meet someone I have mutual friends with & also he has his kids over.

As soon as we’re off the phone, he messages “where u at” I say that I’m at home, he says “hmmm”, I say “hmmm what?” & never get a reply! OMG, men are the most confusing things on the planet! I go have my shower & get into bed & I struggle to fall asleep. I can just imagine he is snoring his head off & I am lying awake stupidly thinking about this scenario. WHY?!

The next morning I get a message at 6:20 am from him saying that his phone went flat & the hmm was meant to mean that he wanted to come over but then he realised that his kids still in iso. Firstly, as if I was going to let him come over anyway. He then sends me a phone number of a electrician. I write back that I’m not interested in casual so I wouldn’t have let him cover over anyway. Again I never hear from him again. In fact that’s the last text we ever send to each other.

It’s my Birthday on the Monday, we haven’t spoken since I said I didn’t want casual hook up that I got no reply too… My friend had assured me that he wasn’t keen on casual either. If you’re friends with someone on Facebook & it’s their birthday, a reminder pops up around 7:00 am to tell you friends that it’s your birthday. I had text Concreter about 7:00 am on the day of his birthday. So anyway my point is, he’s on Facebook all the time, posting or liking posts as they go, so I call bullshit that I don’t get a message – on Facebook messenger at 10:30 pm to say that he just saw it was my birthday & hope I had a good one. I liked it the next day as I had done with every other birthday post & that is where this story ends!

Even now, though it has stopped, he likes & comments on Facebook posts, mainly my renovation pictures, liking every photo in the album. I mean this has gone from this guy sending me a cute video he thought I would like of a dog the same breed as mine with a fish – while it was cute because he took the time to think of me while at the snow, it’s so fucking odd that now I am an after thought… What the fuck could have changed so rapidly? I guess I can justify this away too, he met someone else blah blah blah… I just don’t get why men put in so much effort & then back off. I will never understand it.

Our friend sends me a meme a few weeks after Concreter & I stopped talking (it’s actually the one in this post) & I tell her that’s exactly what happened with her mate & she says she’ll suss it out. I tell her not to bother, while I do want to know what happened, it’s not my thing to put someone in the middle like that, I could just ask but I’m sure I’d get ‘its not you, it’s me’ bullshit!

Another friend told me that he ghosted me because I said I’m not looking for casual, it turned him off because apparently according to her eveything starts off as casual. I agree to a certain extent, but then that’s all I ever get is casual… I’m not saying I want to move in with the guy or see him everyday, but I don’t want to just catch up, fuck & slink home before the kids get up forever…

Anyway this came along when I was least expecting it, I wasn’t looking for anyone & it found me, yet it was the same result as every other fucker in my life. Particularly this year… What the fuck is it about this year?

A few months later, I rememeber while editing this blog that he is a concreter & ask him for a quote for my reno… He sends a chick around who measures up exactly what I asked for, but his quote came in at $30k more than the quote I had at the time… It ended up being $20k more than I am paying too… Other than that, we haven’t talked but he continues to like my FB posts.

#IBD4U

Chatting with a friend one night we decide to go speed-dating. We don’t recall how this came about in the same way. I am going to support her, she seems to want to go. She tells me that she’s going to support me & even tells my other friend that ends up coming with us, that’s why she’s there. Not how I remember it going down, what whatever, we went!

I have been like 6 times before this so this is not something that I really want to do again, it never goes well & I have come to realise that I don’t make a very good first impression. However I agree, regardless of whether she’s going for me or I’m going for her – it doesn’t matter, we book in for the night in a couple of weeks. It’s $60 per ticket, you get two free wines so it’s not a cheap night out considering all that but you know, it could be a bit of fun!

This one is a little bit different to the ones I’ve done before. All the other ones that I’ve done, you get a card & a number on your name tag. You sit down & get a date with everybody in the room, moving from table to table every 5 minutes. Then you get a break in the middle to get the second free drink.

But at this one, you don’t get a dumb name tag, you don’t get to date everyone, You get your first free drink at the start then one at the end – which makes you hang around I guess. It’s all done via an app. So the anti social world we live in gets its day in the sun… You have to hold your phone in your hand, a picture will pop up with the profile of the person you need to find for you date then you can sit anywhere in the pub.

Yes, alright, there aren’t that many people in the pub so it’s not so scary trying to find the dude, most of the people are for the speed dating event. It makes it a bit difficult to want to talk to people in the breaks because you don’t know if you’ll get a date with them or not. This time because you don’t date everyone, you get 10 minutes per date. That’s a long time if they are a dud!

So when we first get there it’s really nice we just sit down &we’ve got our first glass of wine. As I said I went along with three girlfriends. There is a guy with really shiny skin & big white teeth, who makes a b line traight for us & sits down next to me & I couldn’t help but think that he’s like the cutest one out of all of the guys here, which was saying something because he’s not even that cute but he chose to sit next to me to have a conversation, because the conversation went well, I couldn’t actually wait till we got matched & get to have a proper conversation with our 10 minutes speed date.

However the first 4 dates we weren’t matched then there’s a break. I’ve had four dates with guys who couldn’t speak English. I’m not being rude, just factual. I held the conversation & if you knew me in real life, I do dominate most conversations but it’s not good to have to dominate a conversation because the other one can’t talk to you.

So it’s break time, we get a drink & I catch up with the girls to see how they’ve gone. One of my friends has been matched with the guy who came to chat to me. I go over too them but it becomes awkward when they don’t break away or stand up, they sit there on the couch intently talking while I just stand there like a weirdo third wheel.

Back to more dates but because there are more women than men at this event, I ended up with a “friend” date, which meant that I actually only get 7 dates tonight, not 8. The spare date is a woman at the even & I have more fun with her than I do with anyone else that night. Needless to say I don’t get a date with the shiny skin dude. We try to get him to come get food with us but he doesn’t. Another guy with a pointy nose & a Indian fellow come with us. Sitting there talking to them, I question the matching app. The Indian guy & I had a date but he was desperate to have kids, I obviously have on my profile no kids, so why would they have matched us?

Anyway suffice to say, the whole night was a waste of time, I got no matches – don’t even know how the matches work because you rate someone at the end of the mini date but I am able to chat to everyone on the app the next day & also everyone I didn’t date too… It’s so confusing… Who even liked me?!

But here I am yet again, going to another one when they send me a message to say it’s reduced for girls for tonight only. Lucy calls me & says she got the same message & wants to go… URGH, why the fuck do I keep saying that I’ll go? It’s a different place in a different area, no where near where I live so I am apprehensive, but yet I go along anyway.

There are two guys from the previous one here, who say hello… Fuck, will we get a date with them? We walk in & get our free drink & sit down at a table. There is no one here that I am physically attracted too at all, but then in walks a guy that looks a lot like Marvel & I stupidly say, quite loudly he’s alright or something like that I’m pretty sure may have heard me but there isn’t much I can do about it now.

Ping the app tells us that the night has started! I go find my short date & we sit on some random stools in a doorway. The night goes on & they’re all ok, they’re not great, nothing really outstanding for me that it makes me want to have more than 10 minutes with them. I mean one of them, I think, is actually mentally disabled. He spent the entire 10 minutes showing me photos of his weight loss journey – to be honest, his before photo was not much different to the after photo. He wasn’t huge to begin with but I couldn’t tell any difference. He then preched about a healthy lifestyle & how he wanted to be a personal trainer.

There was one date with a guy which went reasonably well until he told me he has three kids & is a widow. Nothing wrong with either of those things right. But when his wife died (I think of cancer) He dumped the three small kids to his parents & he fucked off overseas for THREE years!!! I don’t know why that bothers me so much but those poor kids just lost their mum & their dad. Still living with his parents, he now lives with them too. No problem with his living with his parents, but yeah I take issue with him dumping his kids on someone else.

I kept waiting for a date with the guy who looked like Marvel. It was right after the break when he face came up on my phone. Because the venue is a rabbit warren, I decided to stay put & was hoping I’d see his face pop around the corner with a smile. But he never came & time was ticking so I went to find him, he was at the bar chatting to someone else. When I approached him, he said he had to go to the bathroom, he’ll find me. So like 6 minutes into the 10 minute date he appears at my table, apologises & we talk about our dogs, mainly. He spends more time with Lucy than he did with me & when I try to interrupt their date, he doesn’t get up from her table & neither does she. I stand there awkwardly waiting for them to be done.

I get a message from the guy who left his kids behind & he gives me his number & I decide to message the Marvel guy, not wanting to give up hope. I never get a reply, even though he reads it straight away. There were lots of better looking women than me, skinnier, prettier. Even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, I now seem to still be the fattest person in the room!

So no, I don’t recommend, I do not recommend speed dating at all! I will never go again. Support or not. I am done! But I think you should still do it, if you want to try it. It was a good experience, but I am better once you get to know know me. I don’t think I am good at the first impression.

#IBD4U

Ok first of all, I sometimes find it hard to write when I know certain people – either the guy or my friends are going to read the blog… But I always try to be honest, share my side of what I think happened & basically try to come across as bitter – even though my dating life is making me worse & worse! Hahaha.

There aren’t many things I haven’t tried to meet someone over the years, but one thing that I haven’t really done in my dating career is a blatant setup, where both people know they’re being setup, that they know, you know they know & you’re actually chatting to date – you’ve got mutual friends so there is a lot more riding on this, you won’t do the usual things you’d do to a random from a dating app. You don’t want to come across as the jerk in the equation, do you? No you’ll have to tread very carefully on these ones… Or so I thought, I mean look what Eastwood did?! So perhaps but view point on this is skewed slightly…

So when one of my friends contacts me & says that she has this friend ( I believe she’s mentioned him before but he’d only just split with his wife & then he got a girlfriend – of course he did!) anyway he’s now split up with the rebound chick & he’s ready again. She tells me that she set him up with his wife originally so she’s really good at matchmaking & she really thinks that him & I will hit it off.

She then lists his qualities on her fingers – He is really lovely, he’s really really sweet, he’s a bit rough round the edges but he will spoil any woman that is with – like little trips away all expenses paid, he’s got his head screwed on… You know, it’s everything a person wants to hear about a person that they may want to date. I don’t care about being spoiled, all I want is to find someone to laugh & have banter with, that I don’t have to see all the time but is committed to me – is that too much to ask? Hahaha.

She sends me pictures of him, it’s hard to tell because they’re not of just him, she’s in them or he looks so sunburnt but he looks good. I send her some of me too, which she will be sending to him. She shows me a message from him that says he just wants someone easy going & chilled, that he can spend time with & chill with, but he tells her that if I am looking for someone to be with every night then he can’t be that person. That’s fine. That works for me. Seems a bit too good to be true, right?!

So once the photos are approved, I allow her to give him my number & he instantly texts me to say hello. We text for a bit & then he tells me he’s going to the snow tomorrow for the school holidays with his kids & his most recent ex’s kids. Well this wasn’t a good time to start chatting, as you know I don’t like messaging for too long before we meet because otherwise you build it into something it’s not & then there’s a lot of pressure on the date for it to go well…

Every single day he’s away, I get text messages, I get photos of their food they’re cooking – he does lots of slow cooker meals, I get questions asking how I am, I get questions about what I’m doing, most mornings & nights – not all but I usually get a hello & goodbye, good morning or good afternoon. This guy also knows from another friend – we have several mutual friends now he’s also added me on FB – he knows about my two rules: that I don’t drink alone & that I don’t text first. So perhaps he’s being so consistent because he knows those rules or perhaps this is just how he is?

So for two weeks he’s away & then about a week or so since he got back, he’s been super busy, he sends me pictures of all sorts of random shit, then he posts them on FB too. He’s got his own business so we talk about my upcoming renovation & how shit my neighbours are being, he’s helpful & offers his digger & offers to help me out… I’ve heard all this before from men, so I take it with a grain of salt. I also don’t want to owe this guy (or any guy offering their services) anything so I just pay for me own stuff, but I do pick his brain about the quote I’ve gotten etc.

We haven’t really talked about catching up much but finally he wants to lock in a date. I suggest a couple of times I’m free this week & he tells me he needs to check with Cat… I think why does he need to talk to his cat?! But he tells me Cat is PA & she runs his life – surely not his fricken social life, he can’t be that important Mr Christian Grey with a PA. I don’t hear from him the next day to confirm what his PA will allow him to do, so I just leave it.

We obviously do talk again & when he suggests tomorrow, I say I can’t till like 6:30 pm, but then says that he has the gym. Now when we first started chatting, I was being super motivated & going 4 times a week, he said he hadn’t been in a gym in years, now he’s passing up a date for a gym session?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Anyway he offers me a 30 minute date before he goes to the gym, I just say don’t stress we’ll do it another time, I am not going on a speed date with this guy. I get he’s trying to establish a routine at a the gym, but fuck that’s dedication & I get he was trying to be sweet about the fact he still wanted to see me, but also remember, he was going to be at the gym longer than he would have been out with me! Just think about that…

The day of the supposed to happen date, in my eyes it’s not happening. I told him not to stress about it, it’s all good. But I get a message from him saying that he can’t do tonight anymore, I say all good & get back to work. He asks if he can call instead later. I agree. I don’t actually want to talk to him on the phone tonight because I have been calling legal firms about advice for my renovation & my neighbours, but because I’m not on Centrelink, no one will give me advice or help me. I can do it myself, I just need to know the right procedure. I feel like I am fighting my old workplace again, lost in a sea of legal jargon while the other side has a trained lawyer. FUCK.

So it’s not a good night for him to call, but when he calls, I try that thing where you fake smile & your voice sounds happier. We chat easily & I enjoy the conversation. He invites me to this lawnmower racing thing he likes to go too & posts all over FB about it. I would go, but not by myself. The conversation is sometimes funny, it’s not hilarious, I’m not so invested but I’m also a bit guarded too. This guy did choose a gym session over me, after saying he hadn’t been in a gym for years! I mean, yes, it’s only been 3 weeks & I don’t want to get too excited & too into this, when the guys not that into me.

I do talk a little bit about my drama with my reno & he talks about how shit his day was having to fix a $100k job from his subcontractor. The conversation flows smoothly – no awkward silences & I find myself talking to him easily. But as the call ends, there is no talk about actually catching up. In fact that topic, ironically never comes up again.

#IBD4U

No, the name Car Crash isn’t a metaphor for a date & how it went, though my dating history is a car crash that you can’t look away from, that’s not what I am referring to here. I will explain his name in due course, it is literally a car crash… Buckle up because you’ll be glad you wore you seatbelt! (OMG – What am I even saying?!)

So swiping during the Eastwood debarcle, I come across a guy I think it familiar but his name is different. He has scar on his face & would be about the same age, but I can’t work out if it is the guy I think it is or not. Anyway we match & start chatting, he says that he hasn’t been on the app long & asks if I’ve met anyone, I have so I say yes, he asks where I go when I meet these people. I say that my local is the usual place to meet someone, when he replies that we’re close. Well of course, I mean the app shows how many kms away you are!

He says that he lives in the suburb I grew up in, so I tell him that, I ask him what school he went too & sure enough it was the same primary school as me, but he says he’s a few years older so I may know his sister… I ask what her name is & when he tells me I know exactly who this guy is! Well I know the 1992/1993 – 11 or 12 year old version of me that knows him. Hahaha

So my best friend in primary school is this guys sister, she went to a different high school to me so we just grew apart, we were friends on Facebook for a while as adults & then one of us deleted the other – no love lost or hard feelings there for me… But yeah, that’s how small Adelaide is… I am now dating people I went to school with that I could have had years ago. However I was about 11 when I knew him!

So, the back story. This guy had a very serious car accident, that wasn’t his fault a few years ago, which I remember hearing about on the news & also seeing his sister post pics on facebook about it. So the scars are from that & he explains that’s why he has a different name on the app to his real name (doesn’t really make sense to me, but whatever!) When he recovered he married the girl he was dating, a girl that I happened to also go to high school with (not someone I was friends with but someone in my year level). So I assume he’s divorced or separated now… Which he later tells me that he’s been married twice – to her & another lady. Jesus, I haven’t even had a boyfriend & this guy has had two wives. FUCK. He also tells me at some point that the last one destroyed him. Oh goodie gum drops! I love a damaged guy!

On the first night we chat he says that he has friends over for BBQ so won’t be messaging much, but he pretty much writes back super quickly & consistently, but the next day I don’t get much from him – which is weirder than the night he had friends over to be honest. Then I get a random message “Whoo Port finally won a game” Um Like I care?! I say that I’m glad his team won & drinks are on him.

It takes a while but we finally go get to go on a date. We work in different jobs but for the same sector, so he seen my name on forms & sends me snapchats of them. There is an event which is on a Friday & Saturday that he says that he’s going to be at too. But when the event gets closer, he starts acting weird & doesn’t message me or show any interest. He then tells me later than he got out of going, so I am thankful because I didn’t want our first meeting to be at a work event but I am also taken back because later he tells me that in his role, he doesn’t have to go to those things but he asked to go because of me… Um but you bailed on it? That’s not a good thing to tell a girl dude…

On the day of the actual real date though, things take a turn. He calls before & says let’s do dinner, I say no worries but then by the time he hangs up, he says don’t worry about dinner, he won’t have time & he’s going to be tired. Oh great! When we meet at the pub, he doesn’t kiss me or hug me hello, I order a wine & then he orders a lemon squash… Just like a nanna, a lemon squash. Not a lemonade, a fucking lemon squash…

The football is on in the background & he watches often. I feel like a twat with a wine when he is drinking soft drink. He just says that he doesn’t drink on work nights, I’m confused then why he suggested a drink at a pub! Usually that involves alcohol, or you’d suggest a coffee, right? Or am I overthinking the squash order?!

He makes me feel like an idiot several times, like he asks me how big my dogs are & when I say their weights, he says that he doesn’t need to know their actual weight. I think ok, right, so I sit there quiet, not really sure what I can & can’t say to this guy. He makes me feel insignificant, I know he’s trying to joke but its coming off as he is superior to me.

He doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder about his accident & doesn’t hold the person who did that to him accountable for his recovery, he has a very positive attitude about the whole thing, which I admire. But that’s about all I like. The giant scar doesn’t bother me. The way he makes me feel does.

We don’t stay long because even though he’s taping the football at home, I get the feeling he’d rather be at home watching it. He doesn’t kiss me goodbye, just a hug & we go our separate ways. Of course, before I am home, I get the usual text I always seem to attract from men “thanks for meeting but I guess I won’t be seeing you again…” WHAT? I stare at it for ages! I write back oh ok or something like that. He messages back that he didn’t think I was interested. I mean I wasn’t feeling positive about myself when I left so I wasn’t jumping out of my skin to sit through another judgey date.

I don’t ever see him again, even though he’s asked a couple of times. He looks at all my snapchats & talks to me all the time on there, but do you know what, if I want to feel stupid about myself. all I have to do is read this blog, I don’t need some dude to make me feel like an idiot.

#IBD4U