OnlineDating – Page 13 – I've Been Dating For You

MIA Undies

Many years ago in my 20’s, even way before Boyfriend, I used to go out drinking every weekend with friends & I think this particular incident happened at one of my birthday outings, or at least is was someone’s birthday. This was also the night that I lost my brand new phone, it was a Nokia 5110! (Fuck I’m old!). I was always the most drunk out of everyone, not something to proud of but it’s what I used to do. Not that much has changed but I am a lot less ridiculous!

Drunk on the dance floor used to be the place I would pick up most, bumping & grinding with the dude that wrapped his arms around your waist, some of the time it would end there, but this night, at a nightclub by the beach he asked me to go for a walk. We left the club & went to the beach. I don’t really remember it that well but from what I remember, we didn’t really go to a less populated area before we sat & then ended up having sex on the beach. Once we were done, I kinda of remember thinking ‘What the fuck (WTF wasn’t invented then!) am I doing?’ I jumped up still fully clothed but missing my undies, I look around for them, I can’t find them. I ask him where they are, he can’t find them either.

I go back to the club & find my friends, I think leaving sex boy because I don’t remember ever talking to him again. But I enlist a guy friend that we’re with to come outside & help me find my undies. This is also before torches on your phone so we’re just looking, maybe not even in the right spot, for my missing undies. We can’t find them so I end up going home undie less, yet while we’re out there looking for them I make my guy friend who was helping me take off his shirt & give it to me because I’m cold. He’s got a singlet underneath so I apparently think it’s ok to take someone’s shirt, which I never gave back. It hung on the back of my door for years, till I think I gave it to Boyfriend.

MIA Undies

So how would I rate sex on the beach, well sand is just dirt, cold, damp dirt that sticks to everything, gets in crevasses that it shouldn’t, chafes you in places that should only be treated nicely. I imagine that it would be like for him wearing a condom made out of sandpaper. Perhaps people have had better experiences than me but I’ve never tried it again, maybe one day I’ll venture outdoors again.

I’ll never know what happened to that brand new purple Bonds g string but I have a sneaking suspicion that the boy I had sex with took them, put them in his pocket when he took them off to keep them as a souvenir, where else could they have gone?

Checklist

Most women have one, I’m sure of it, a checklist of what their dream guy would have, not necessarily in looks, unless they have a specific type, but all their other attributes. I’ve talked about it a few times, mine is long, but I never ever expect anyone to have all of it, this is just my dream list:

Makes me laugh
Likes music, live events & going out
Honest
I find them attractive
Chemistry
Well-travelled
Own a house/unit/apartment
Educated
Working full time
Drives a Holden or decent car at least
No kids, doesn’t want kids or has kids of his own already.
Single
Family orientated
Good in bed
Love an accent!

But let’s face it, no guy is ever going to have all that & if they do, they are usually with one of my friends! (Hahahha… eh)

Checklist

None of this actually matters with someone you actually like, for example Milky hadn’t been overseas, he did own a house, don’t think he was tertiary educated, he didn’t have a job for almost two months while we were seeing each other, he drove a ford, he didn’t have kids & I assume he was single, he made me laugh, he said he liked going out yet we never did, he was family orientated, fairly honest, I found him attractive the more & more we caught up & he was good in bed!

You can see why my friends think I am fussy, but this list stems from my own accomplishments that I think would be attractive to a man, I have a house, I’m educated, I’m very well travelled, my job is great, I don’t have kids or baggage but all this equates to for most men is that I’m intimidating. I scare them off by being a smart independent woman.

I generally only use this list when I know I am never going to see them again, it protects my heart a little, I can say to my friends ‘Well he had nothing on my list anyway’ when probably in truth, the list means didilly squat..

Now my list is:

Someone who actually likes me

Milky #3

At this point, Milky gets a new job so I guess that’s why I don’t see him for a couple of weeks, he still is reliable & texts on Thursdays at 7:30 pm to ask how my week has been & then we always text for a bit, working out if each other is free on the weekend on not. We only catch up twice in a month when before that we were seeing each other weekly, so I keep my casual hat on even though I stayed over at his house before having to meet for a friend’s birthday lunch, where everyone said how amazing I looked, yeah because I woke up, he spoon fucked me before I came to lunch – of course I look good, I’m rocking the ‘just fucked look!’

But then he’s busy one weekend, the next weekend I’m away in the infamous Moonta doing stupid things with a complete jock of a boy! He texts me to catch up the following weekend on the Friday night (we usually do Saturday nights) & I’m busy, I have friends coming over, so I say come over after, but he said he’d be asleep by then & he’s got a 21^st on the Saturday night.

I’m not sure if any of you have read that book ‘He’s just not that into you’? Well basically it says that if a guy isn’t trying to sleep with you, then he’s just not that into you. There is no variation on this rule; any excuse a guy uses means he’s just not that into you. I mean that book should be burned, because I always come back to it, assuming that because Milky wouldn’t stay awake long enough to come to my house means ‘he’s just not that into you’ so I should say no worries & move on.

Sitting all alone on Saturday night, about 7:30 pm when he texts to say he’ll be finished about 10 pm so I could come over then. I don’t know why, but I pretend that I’m out for dinner & say ‘yeah sure, I should be finished dinner by then so let me know.’ So while getting ready for being ‘fake out for dinner’ it gets to 10 pm & still nothing more from him. At 10:30 pm I think he’ll text me soon, so I’ll get in my car, go for a drive closer to his house to presume the dinner pretence that I’m not 40 mins away at my house. I make a deal with myself that if he hasn’t text by half way, then I’ll put petrol in my car & go home (like a loser!)

He doesn’t text & I get all the way home, in my Pj’s & think I’ll just send him a quick ‘Sorry we didn’t catch up text but I’ve just dropped my friend home & I’m on my way home too.’ (WTF? There is something wrong with me…) Anyway he finally texts apologising saying his sister is his ride but should be home soon. We text a bit & I end up saying that I could still go to his house, if he was still awake. So I go… Yes I’m stupid but at this point my vagina is thinking for me. So I rock up about 1 am, like a booty call, and we have a drink watch some ridiculous Asian subtitle movie, that had to be some sort of satire before he kisses me, we fool around for a while before I realise what his game is, he’s prepping me for some ass sex. I seriously lose count of how many times he makes me cum with his fingers, his mouth, his fingers again, I’m so relaxed & satisfied that he’s able to slip it in my ass before I even really notice it. It doesn’t hurt me at all like it had with other guys who do the “surprise anal”, it just feels amazing, I had a feeling I would like it, but I didn’t realise just how much! He switches positions & I end up lying on my front for him to finish & me to go again! We shower & go to bed, everything seeming normal. The next morning, he gets up, gets dressed but comes back to bed & says he doesn’t want to kick me out but his dad is coming over at lunchtime, I basically jump up & leave. I’ve never felt more used than I did that morning.

Milky #3

When his usual text doesn’t come at 7:30 pm the following Thursday night, I feel even worse about having anal sex with him, but I have to be up at 5:00 am on Friday, so I text him as it’s the time he wakes up too. I don’t get a response till about 6:00 pm where we text a bit, but I’m out so I text back later when I am on the tram & say how I’ve parked at the entertainment centre (which is close to his house) but by the time he invites me over or says ‘you could have stopped into my place after the show haha’ but I’m over halfway home & bloody buggered as it’s almost 10:00 pm & I’ve been up since 5:00 am.

The next night I am at a wedding, I text him as I’m leaving about 11:00 pm to ask what he’s up too, he says just drinking & watching TV. I said I’m leaving & driving home now. He cracks a joke about me falling off furniture & that’s the last I hear from him that night. I can’t help but feel like he’s pulling away, I know we’re not exclusive & we’re not in a relationship but have I stuffed up something that wasn’t even anything with the first boy I’ve really liked in ages?

Moonta

I heard a comedian tell a story once where he was never lucky with women, then he finally found someone who loved him & they became boyfriend & girlfriend that all these other women came out of the woodworks & suddenly found him attractive. I believe there is a phenomenon that once you have someone, whether that is casual, serious or not even monogamous that others will find you more attractive. That’s how I met Moonta!

On a weekend away with six girlfriends for my friends 40^th, things were relatively normal, in a group of four flats facing the beach. We went down for a swim & looked back at our balcony to find a what seemed topless woman, playing what seemed to be a game of strip mini basketball with her boyfriend. When he stood up & flashed his bare ass, we know it’s a game of strip something!

Having a wine on the deck, nude boy pops his head over (he’s now in footy shirts) & asks if we saw him naked, when I said yes & had a laugh he asked if we wanted to play a naked game. I laughed explaining that we were six women here for a fun weekend but that wouldn’t include nakedness. We talked to him for a while, which somehow resulted in him cooking our BBQ that myself & another friend were going to do, so we went out to the BBQ to be polite & to supervise.

We talked more to this guy, who seemed like he was on drugs as he was grinding his teeth & his toes didn’t stop moving, but when we talked to him more, he explained that we could call the girl he was with “his wife”, when she came out with their meat for the BBQ, we invited them over for salad, but she declined. Fair enough, she was there for a dirty weekend with her husband!

After dinner, Moonta popped his head around our corner again to chat & play his music for us. Another friend gave the birthday girl a pack of Cards Against Humanity. Moonta & I were the only ones who’d ever played it so we had to explain the rules. During the card game things didn’t seem right with Moonta & his woman, she mentioned driving her husbands car up there, she seemed to imply that they weren’t a couple at all, he was 28 & she was 45 & Moonta wasn’t wearing a ring. Not my problem.

At the end of two rounds of hilarious cards, I was winning & the birthday girl had had enough, we packed up but Moonta wouldn’t leave even with his girl saying they should go back to their room. She left him & everyone went inside, I thought, this guy isn’t going anywhere so I hung back to talk to him (being the only one close to his age) but I never expected things to go the way they did…

He wouldn’t leave, when I asked why he said he didn’t want to go home & that he found me “so hot”, being that it isn’t a descriptive term I hear often or ever, I laughed. The chick he was with had washboard abs, perky tits & was relatively pretty. I never hear that from guys, ever. Hot is not a word I would ever use to describe myself. So I ended up going inside, thinking this guy is delusional.

I went to my bed room to get changed in my Pj’s, tidy up my bag a bit & who appears at my window? Moonta, telling me how hot he thinks I am, how much he wants to fuck me, I try not to entertain the idea, when I hear his woman come around the corner, I hide behind the wall & stay there till I can’t hear their voices like some sort of idiot. Rolling my eyes, I head back out for to the group in the lounge room for another wine.

The friend who helped with the BBQ comes out of her room after having just gone to bed saying that Moonta was standing at her window blowing smoke in her room & asking for me. I am secretly excited, but think what the fuck, this guy is here on a dirty weekend with a married woman who is hot, what the hell would he want with me? (I may need to work on my self-esteem!)

I go outside to find him, he immediately starts telling me how hot he finds me, I explain that I’m “kinda seeing someone”, he says that’s fine, he’s happy just to talk, tell me about your boyfriend. So we sit on the retaining wall & I feel stupid telling him about Milky, who is unfortunately on my mind, do I want to jeopardise what I have with him? (do I really have “something” with Milky to jeopardise?) but do I really want to pass up a sexy night with this hot guy for something that may not even be anything?

Yet when he leans down to kiss me, I’m thankful he’s taller than me & I kiss him back, he tried to put his hands in my pyjama shorts & I pull away. This guy is here on a dirty weekend with a chick & I have a Milky – don’t I?. Moonta really knows how to get a woman into bed, I mean some of the lines he came out with like ‘I want to date you’ & ‘we don’t have to have sex, we can just talk but you’re so hot I want you.’ He keeps trying to kiss me, but I keep pulling away when she comes around the corner & sharply says his name like his mum. I tell him to go, that nothing is going to happen with me, he tried to memorise my phone number (yeah right!) & then tries to remember my name to add me on Facebook. She comes around the corner again “are you serious?” I pushed him away & walked away back inside, never to hear from him again. Probably for the best anyway!

Moonta

I didn’t tell Milky about the kiss (we’re not exclusive, I mean I’ve asked if he’s sleeping with anyone else which he said no, but we’ve not had the talk) But what this encounter made me realise, is that I actually might like Milky a lot more than I wanted to, or is he just the first regular guy I’ve slept with that has show some sort of interest in me?

Hipster

I met Hipster on a site that I didn’t even know was a site you could chat on. But somehow I worked out the app by sending a post out about how I am really attracted to guys who make me laugh & several guys start chatting to me, specifically one who wanted to play truth or dare. (little did I know, this was a usual game on this app, designed for teenagers!) I really had never played truth or dare over text or chat so didn’t know what to even say to this bloke.

I chose dare so I seemed fun & cool so when he asked to see a picture of my best feature, I tried to crop a photo of my eye but ended up sending him my whole face, (basically because I didn’t know how to use this app) which he said he liked & then he sent me his photo. He looked kinda hipster in his scarf, baldish head & goatee & he wasn’t the type that I would go for at all. But I decided to “give him a go” as I should think outside the box of men that I usually go for. Maybe this would be different.

We talked about hobbies & we had a few that were the same or similar & that’s when he decide to introduce himself, when he said his name & it was the same first name as Milky, I immediately thought of him! & that’s about when I started thinking how whatever I am doing with Milky, it actually could be something more. I really didn’t initiate conversation with Hipster too much as in my head I didn’t want to ruin things with Milky for just a random guy.

Hispster

When Hipster asked me if I wanted to catch up, I said maybe, even though I had an epiphany about what I wanted with Milky, I still thought I needed to put some distance between Milky & I, since I had probably told him that I wanted casual, I didn’t want to start planning the wedding, maybe a date with someone else would take the pressure off?

But when Hipster gave me his number, I couldn’t go through with it, I wasn’t really feeling it with him, like the banter was ok, but my heart was never in it. So I told him I was kinda seeing someone (not completely untrue in my eyes) & l wasn’t sure what “it” was yet, so he said yeah cool don’t worry about it. Then I never hear from him again.

Milky #2

After the night at his house, where I got really drunk & fell off his bed, (much to his delight & he reminded me often), we text lots but I get sick with tonsillitis & so I don’t see him that weekend, but we chat about how hilarious it was for him to mix wine & vodka, me falling off the bed & some other cocktail that he made that reminded me of the smell of fly spray, he said he wanted to get me drunk again, I said be careful what you wish for, next minute he’s revealing that his three wishes would include some rope, handcuffs & a vibrator.

As we explore this line of conversation I realise that he is into a bit of BDSM, so far I’ve enjoyed everything we’ve done, including him spanking my ass, standing up to have sex & him pulling my ponytail but I tell him that I’ve never been tied up before but don’t mind being pinned down with my arms above my head. He says he’ll have to show me his toys sometime. I say that I need to trust the person before I let them tie me to something, he agrees & says that just think of a “casual thing like trusting a friend.” My heart sinks, I’ve been building this thing up to a bloody full blown relationship. I wanted casual, I’m sure that’s what I would’ve said to him, he gave it to me & now I’m wanting more. What is wrong with me?

We work out for him to come to my house the next week & he says he’ll bring some toys, I agree thinking that it might be interesting & something that I enjoy since he’s been the only guy to ever make me cum by just playing with my nipples (yes that’s a thing!), I figure that whatever we do will be just as good & if I don’t like it I can just tell him & if I don’t want to, I never have to see him again anyway, right?

I decide to read a book on kink to make sure I know what I’m in for, not just a apparently lewd love story version like Fifty Shades of Grey (which I did enjoy nonetheless!). I read ‘SM 101 – a realistic introduction’ & I’m not sure if it makes things worse. It talks about trust quite a lot, because this person could just tie you up & torture you to death (great thanks for that thought!) so I think I freaked myself out a bit. However the book is mainly about Dominant/submissive relationships, which I don’t think I’d be cut out for, I couldn’t look down all the time or only refer to a partner as master.

Milky #2

But next time Milky comes over, he pulls out a rope, paddle & a butt plug & says he’s thinking he could tie me to my pergola or my ottoman, I say I’m not ready to be tied to something yet, so he just packs it all away & he kisses me & we just have some kinky moments (look away mum!) where he makes me cum standing up with his finger in my ass but then vanilla sex. Yet he never uses any of his toys that night.

For those of you who have read fifty shades of grey, you can see how this story is turning more & more like it (without the hot millionaire) & to make this even more lifelike, one of my best friends met a guy online just before Christmas (at this point, I’d been sleeping with Milky for about 2 months, semi regularly) then after New Years they become boyfriend & girlfriend, yet here I am discussing if I want to be tied to my pergola or not…

Milky

I met the Milky online, we chatted a bit then exchanged numbers, I kind of had a few guys lined up for the Saturday night that we penciled in so I didn’t end up texting him as I thought I was more interested in some of the others aka Someones Son – I know that sounds really bad but Milky was kind of a back up. However that bit me in the butt because I saw neither that night! We text a little about general crap before I invite him over to test out my new outdoor setting & have a strongbow but he says he’s really busy most of the weekend then “he will be tired when he is free”, (Like really?!) so I just respond for him to let me know when he is free, I have no desire to chase a guy that is ‘just not that into me.’

Milky initiates the texts over the following week, I don’t give too much away, keeping my guard up but he invites me over to his house for a drink on Saturday night. I’m feeling a nervous about going to a guys house (even though he’s now the second guy I’ve been to their house) & especially since we hadn’t actually text/chatted that much to begin with, but I rock up at his house & he is cuter in real life than his photos, he had a really nice smile & he actually ends up being quite funny, we have a few drinks but because I always feel awkward, I sit there thinking that I should go leave soon, being that it’s about 11pm & I don’t know the protocol is, that’s about when he slides over & kisses me!

He’s a good kisser & does everything right, he really seems to know what he’s doing, he spends a lot of time making me feel good, including using his own “massager” on me (which I think is weird being it’s the first time we’ve had sex – but I go with it & enjoy myself) & I end up with a huge hickey. The awkward human that I am, I end up getting up about 1 am, get dressed & go home.

The next day I get a quick text from him saying something like he had a good time, I respond hoping we can do it again sometime, he agreed & although we text a little, we don’t seem to catch up again. I finally say to him that I’m going away for work for 11 days but I have a little free time to see him before I go, he suggests to wait till I get back. I write him off again, assuming I’ll never hear from him again but to my surprise he just randomly text me while I’m away to see how I’m going & we arrange to meet up the weekend that I am back, which again I go to his house.

The next time we caught up, we talked again for ages, he moved into kiss me & we have really good sex again, but I walked away texting my friend that I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. A slight overreaction but he tried to go up my ass without any warning & he did hold my neck a bit, but once I moved his hand & said no, he didn’t try again. But he did do things I didn’t know I would like, he pulled my hair & we stood up to have sex, some things I’d never done before. Anyway I get up again & leave, really not knowing the appropriate amount of time to stay at a guys house after you have sex & a shower.

Another 3 weeks go by & another work trip before we arrange to catch up again, this time at my house, which I felt better about because then I didn’t have to be the one to leave. I was watching some murder mystery show so we watched that a bit but he kissed me & we had good sex again before we had a shower & he spooned me on the couch, which was about when I started getting a little attached, then we had sex again. He stayed till about 2:30 am & left my house. I text him the next day to say I didn’t realise it was so late when he left & he says he wasn’t sure if I wanted him to stay or not, I say you should’ve stayed, next time. Smiley Face! Uh Oh!

This is also about the time that I completely forget what we talked about online & I had deleted my account, so I can’t go back & read it & what each of us wanted, which would’ve helped me keep a ‘casual’ distance & not start overthinking. It’s also about this time that I realise my ‘wish’ list for a man is completely out the window. This guy is about the same height as me (5’3, he might be like 5’4), he’s never traveled overseas, he drives a ford & he now has no job. The only thing on my list is that he owns a house, he’s older than me & the sex is really good! (which I think rules out the whole list!)

We text a bit over the next few days & we work out that he’s going to pick me up from a BBQ at my friends house. Now all this to me isn’t a casual thing, he’s going to stay at my house, he’s picking me up from functions, all very coupley things to me. Stuff I haven’t done in a long time with a guy. We have this great banter all the time & I find myself starting to think about having the “what are we doing” talk & introducing him to my friends & family.

He ends up coming over my house 4 Saturday nights in a row, then its Christmas, he comes over before New Years on a Monday night when I am supremely hung over, I stay at his house the next week on a Tuesday & things have been pretty standard for us, a few texts a week back & forth during the week to set up the next night, sometimes we grab pizza but generally we watch some Netflix, drink (he mixes rose wine with vodka – a night where I get so drunk & fall off his bed!), we talk & we have sex, then we sleeps over & he spoons me before we go to sleep.

Milky

Flaccid

If you follow my blog, you’ll know my Birthday story where I talk about the two types of drunk guy sex. I’ve never had a number one happen to me with a sober guy (well this guy drove to my house so I assume he was sober!)

I met Flaccid (poor guy what a horrible pseudonym) online & we chatted a fair bit online before we finally exchanged numbers, we text a little bit for a few days but then one weekend night we’re texting, I invite him over but he says he’s going to call me. We talk on the phone for about 40 minutes before he says he’ll come over. He tells me that he hasn’t done this type of thing before & he’s nervous.

He comes over & lays on my bed next to me, we have some small talk before he asks me ‘what I am going to do with him now that I have him here’ so I lean in & we kiss. As we start undressing each other, I reach over to my night stand for a condom & ask him to put it on, he obliges & we start having sex. It’s not the greatest sex ever but he starts kissing my neck, not in a ‘I’m giving you a hickey’ type of kissing but proper kissing up & down my neck while rhythmically pounding into me, I’m surprised that I’m about to climax without much assistance at all, which has been usual for me. But then he stops everything!

He sits up and takes of the condom saying he can’t stay hard. Great! that’s not something that a girl wants to hear, right when she was actually about to climax before you stopped. He stuffs around for ages but he never gets hard again. He ends up leaving shortly after, I think probably due to embarrassment.

Flaccid

He messages me next time I am on the app & asks if I want to catch up with him again, I say yes & explain how close I was & how unusual that was, he seems pretty pleased. He texts me a few times & calls really late at night one night but I didn’t get it till the morning as I was asleep.

Someone’s Son

There comes a time in everyone’s life, especially in Adelaide when you start chatting to someone online & realise you know them or someone they know. I met this guy who I was chatting to for a while, things were going well, we were talking about meeting up for a drink, but something made me sign up to another online site that links to your Facebook account, it then shows you friends you have in common. We had a friend in common then I realised that it was his mum, I used to work with her. So when I messaged & asked him, he confirmed & it made me feel more at ease to meet him, because I had sort of met him a while ago at his mum’s wedding, but he’d just had a kid with his then partner. But knowing he wasn’t a complete psycho I think I was much more at ease to have him come over to my house.

I think though when he sends you two texts in a row, one agreeing to catch up & one that says “can you pick me up at ****” with a very quick “that was for my mum” you probably don’t think too much of the fact that he’s still seeing the mother of his child (aka ****), because they share custody, but you should wonder why he’s needing to be picked up from there. Red flags should be waving ferociously.

We arranged for him to come over to my house a couple of times, in the end this guy copied the same behavior of Catastrophe who took FOREVER to get to my house, He actually only lived about 10 minutes maximum from me if there was heavy traffic, he said he’d be an hour, then an hour went by, I text again, he said he’d be 30 mins, that 30 minutes went by, then he said he’d be 10 minutes, I just told him not to bother, it was late & when he said he had to drop of medicine to his son, which is why he was late, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to win back his ex girlfriend? He said he felt a bit shit about not catching up but he never made much of an effort since then anyway.

Someones son

I’m kind of glad it worked out that way, not that I won’t date someone with kids (I’d prefer if they have kids), but if they can’t even meet up with me because of the kids, there must be something that stops them. Sometimes things work out in a way you don’t get, until you get perspective & are able to look back.

I guess I also feel a bit stupid being that the same night I tried to also catch up with another guy but “he fell asleep” so I’m really not sure what is so wrong with me that I have more trouble doing this casual thing as I did actually dating!

Serial Killer

When I was staying in the Riverland for work I was scrolling through some random profiles on a new website I was trialling & started chatting to this cute boy who only lived a few kms out of Berri where I was staying. We chat a little while & he invites me over.

I pluck up the courage as this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too while on this slutty quest & I’m hours away from anyone I know, I start wondering if this is a good idea as I get in the car & the sun is sinking low in the sky. I decide to just ‘get a grip’ & crank the music, but that was probably a mistake. I forget what the music was that was playing but it was kinda an eerie song, it was now pitch black, being that he was out in the country with no street lights, plus I almost hit 3 rabbits, a bird flew out in front of me in the darkness & then I saw a kangaroo. The GPS took me to his street, there were no street lights, no neighbours, vineyards on one side & I seriously looked like I was going to be murdered out here! I did a quick u-turn & put my foot down to go back to the comfort of the hotel.

Serial Killer

I messaged him on the app when I got back to the hotel & I was quite honest, he laughs & explains he does have neighbours & that I should come back. I suggest he comes to the hotel but he says he’s shy & doesn’t want to get kicked out. I don’t really get that but I say ok & agree that perhaps we could meet in the daylight the next day. I finish work at 5:00pm & want to go for a walk first but could be there about 6:00pm. He agrees.

Next day in the day light I start the trek again, we have discussed me going another way which includes me going over the ferry. It’s much easier & in the light of day I realise that his house isn’t as scary as I first thought. His house is brand new, he has neighbours right next to his house (probably closer than my neighbours at home) & he’s also waiting out the front for me to arrive as I was messaging him when I was on the ferry.

He’s really tall & better looking than his photos so I am pleasantly surprised. We go inside & his house is immaculate, not a thing out of place & everything looks completely brand new. He asks if I have eaten, which I haven’t so he cooks a store bought frozen pizza. Then his phone rings & of course I can only hear one side “oh really? Oh ok, I’ll be there in a minute” I figure that this is the ‘rescue call,’ mostly done by women, where you get a friend to call 30 minutes in to a date so that if it’s going bad you can bail. So he says to me, ‘I just have to go help my dad for a second, pick something on the TV’ I think WTF!

So there I am sitting in his lounge room, watching TV while he goes somewhere. I think this isn’t good. I start to think about horror movies & what might happen to me as I sit there trying to work out his complex remote control.

When he comes back, we watch TV, eat pizza & some lollies. I feel so awkward being this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too from a dating website & I feel like I should leave, I don’t want to overstay my welcome, I also can never tell if they are interested or not. At 9:30pm, at the door he says you don’t have to go, I say I better as I have to work tomorrow & he shakes my hand! Yes, he shook my hand to say goodbye. We talked a bit after that he wanted me to come back to the Riverland & added me on Facebook but I didn’t see it going anywhere. However he was a really nice guy & someone I reckon I could of been in a relationship with. Pity about the distance & chemisty.

Security Guard

I start chatting to this guy on a new online app I’ve not used before. He seems to be a bit of a beef cake gym junkie looking guy & also has a black eye in his photo so I’m a bit cautious of him really, firstly I don’t think I would be his type & secondly I don’t think the beefed up gym junkie security guard is my type either.

We actually talk about just having a sex work out, so I invite him over knowing he has about an hours drive to get to my house but he wants a shower first, I tell him at 10:00pm to get in the shower & come over. At 10:45pm he says that he’s leaving his house, seriously 45 mins?! But he doesn’t arrive until 12:15am, I’m buggered, in my PJ’s & in bed.

So as I suspected, he wasn’t really my type, he was the same height as me at a measly 5’3 & was really bulky. He really reminded me of one of my friends boyfriends too, which didn’t help his case much, he talked & walked like him.

He came in & sat on the end of my bed & all he talked about was the gym, what he does at the gym, what he used to do at the gym & what I should do at the gym. The conversation was really one sided (although I’m not sure if it was because I know I am not interested so I’m not giving too much at all or if because he just has nothing else to say!)

At about 3:30am I tell him I’m getting tired & that he should go (kinda felt a little rude, but didn’t want to spend the night with this guy) yet he said he could stay, but I just said no it’s okay I’m just going to go to sleep. He text me at 4:45am to say he was home safe & how good it was to meet me & that he hopes that we can catch up again soon. I don’t reply even the next morning.

I had the next day off work so I went to the gym & was getting my outdoor setting delivered, so I set about my day, I got another text from him, trying not to be rude I text back short & sharp answers hoping that he’ll get my drift, but between 2:00pm & 5:00pm I have 3 missed calls, 2 texts & a message on the dating app. He apologises for texting me to much & asks what I thought of him, I think this is the time I have to be honest. So I said it was good to meet you but I just didn’t feel them chemistry between us, he said that it was just the first time & that if we hung out more then we might feel different, he didn’t want to make the wrong move last night.

He tries too hard to catch up with me again (& I feel so bad as it usually never happens that the guy is more interested in me than I am in him, it’s completely unnerving!) he asks me out on the Saturday, when I say no, he offers Sunday, then Monday when I again say I’m busy. I just try to ignore him, but I feel terrible. I tried the blunt route & he was still persistent, but I don’t think I can be rude & ignore him.

Security Guard

In the end, that’s what I do, I finally get rid of him, he gets the hint since I ignore message after message from him. I feel so rude & don’t want karma to come back & bite me in the ass but I have to ignore him, when I reply he writes more but he doesn’t listen when I say I am not interested.

UPDATE: I had tickets to an event at the nightclub he works at, I freaked out that I was going to see him the whole night & I did, he wasn’t working (unless he was a plain clothed security guard) but he didn’t see me (well not that I know of! I wonder if he did & ignored me?)

Hockey Puck

During my phase of ‘I don’t want a boyfriend’ I stumble across this younger but cutish guy that I think is alright & might be good for yet another one night stand. However when we start texting & he asks me to tell him five facts about myself, I think start to think that this one might be different, we text facts back & forth all night, I stayed up late waiting for his responses that make me smile. When he text first thing the next day I grinned like a fool, texting all day even though I should have been doing work – these texts all day go on for about a week before we talk about catching up. Hockey Puck

We arrange to meet up at my house to watch Netflix, he comes over & sits on the couch not really seeming interested or looking at me, but makes me watch crime shows all night, as I walk him out & don’t get a kiss goodnight, I just assume that he’s not interested at all. Jumping into bed feeling another dating disaster story for my blog, when my phone flashes with a text, it’s him! He says something about how he had a good time & wanted to kiss me but didn’t know if he should, I said I was interested but didn’t know if he was. That’s when texts get dirty, we talk about all sorts, but not in a creepy way, I still feel like this guy was a good guy. He makes me skip the gym the following week & he comes over again, he kisses me this time & we have reasonably good sex (he remembers things I like in bed, like having my hands pinned above my head, which he did a few times) & then I cook him chicken nuggets. Romantic!

I didn’t realise that I had actually started liking this guy, even though he had nothing on my imaginary list for the perfect guy. He was younger than me, was living with his parents, was studying so not working & hadn’t travelled. But when I get nothing from him the next day, I think I should send him a text first, show that I am interested in him, but I get one word answers back, so I just stop.

The next day still nothing from him & I start to question what I look like naked & how good I am in bed, that I just think I need to see if this is it with this guy, so at one last ditch attempt, I text him & ask what happened, he responds that he’s not looking for anything serious & doesn’t want to hurt me. I remind him that I’m the one who wanted something casual but I bid him goodbye.

On my way to a regional trip the next day he texts asking what I mean by ‘casual’ I explain that a bit more sex but a lot less texting. He continues to text me for a few days saying how much he wants me & complementary things he liked about my body or what we did together (so obviously not my looks or sexual abilities) so one afternoon as we’re texting, I get home from work & invite him over, suddenly he’s not feeling well & can’t come over. A few days later the same thing, I say come over but he’s still not feeling well. In the end I crack the shits at him when I was drunk when he was texting me so I tell him to fuck off.

Weeks later I start getting texts again from him, I wrote back to one but ignored the follow up message… so stay tuned, who knows what might happen!

UPDATE: He sent me a “hey how are you” text about 3 months later, I chose to ignore him completely! I’m sick of giving men second chances.

Trolls

I don’t often write about people I never meet or people that I haven’t even given my phone number too but there is a type of person on every online dating app or website that always amuses me – the Online Dating Troll.

We all know the ‘Internet Troll’ who in forums or blogs will make obnoxious comments just to get a rise out of the readers, which usually include an angry response, perhaps some name calling, from you (don’t worry I have a comment policy to discourage negative comments!) but I think there is an online dating version!

If you’ve been online dating for a long period of time you’ll have met hundreds of these people, even if you’re only just starting out your online dating journey, you’re sure to come across one or two of these people. Depending on what you are looking for, they might be good for you but trust your instincts. If you get a bad vibe, like I did with Rimmer then shut it down, it may have been harmless, but better to be safe than sorry!

Online dating trolls are the type of guys (I’m sure there’s a female equivalent but I’ve never searched for women online) that within the first few minutes will probably ask you one or more of the following:

What are you looking for?
What are you wearing?
When was the last time you had sex?
How big are your tits?
Are you waxed?
How are you still single?

Pretty much all of these will prove he hasn’t looked at your profile if you’ve got ‘looking for a relationship’ in the looking for description. It’ll also tell you that they probably aren’t looking for anything serious at all, probably just “fun” (aka sex) or want to talk dirty to you over text or via the online chat.

“What are you looking for” is probably the dumbest question to ask, firstly, it’s right there in my profile & secondly it’s a dating site. So you write back that you’re looking for a relationship, a Troll is notorious for writing ‘same here’, but then minutes later will ask you if your waxed, how big your tits are or something equally troll like.

If you reply that you’re looking for fun & see where it goes or something casual, then it’s easy to get caught up in sexting, (which I just find completely hilarious & for me not much of a turn on with a random stranger) especially when they ask what you’d do to them if they were there or they start telling you what they would do to you. (& in my experience, they haven’t ever done what they said they were going too.) I’d rather let things happen organically, especially if it’s the first time you’re going to meet this person or the first time you’re going to have sex with them & they’ve built themselves up to be this amazing lover & then they can’t even fuck you for more than six minutes.

“When was the last time you had sex” has always baffled me, I don’t understand why they would want to know. What is the correct response? Do they want someone who hasn’t has sex in a while or someone who has so that they might be in with a chance? I really don’t know. I would interested to hear people’s theory’s on this one. I’ve asked a few guys & they just say they are curious, but there has to be more to it than curiosity.

Trolls

“What are you wearing” is also another one I always answer honestly, I’d say ‘jeans & a top’ or ‘pyjamas’ ‘Oooh, sexy pyjamas?’ No dude, I’m in my 30’s it’s winter, I sleep in a long sleeved top, singlet & shorts. Do they think we sit around in our sexy lingerie chatting online, no the purpose of online is so you can sit in your crappy oversized hoodie with unbrushed hair but to them you look amazing because you’ve picked your favourite picture of yourself, so let them visualise that on a sexy nighty.

“How are you still single” is just fucking offensive, if I knew that dip shit I wouldn’t be here writing this blog would I? Probably the funniest part about that question is that it’s not even a guy that will ever ask you out or really make an effort with you, so why say it?

Another type of troll is the married man or relationship man. It doesn’t matter if he tells you that his wife knows & is ok with it, I say bullshit! My philosophy is not to accept people with this type of talk in their profile, even while I was doing the casual thing. I hate when you accept a guy then he tells you he’s got a girlfriend who knows what he’s doing, blah blah blah, but hasn’t written on his profile. Jerk!

Anyway the point of this post, is I probably have about 5 of these trolls talking to me at any given time when online, they’ll generally never ask you about work or how was your day & will only ever talk to you while you’re online, usually starting off with the very original “hey”. I just want to warn newbies to the online dating world because I think the first one is always a bit of a shock, but if you don’t like it, there’s a wonderful button labelled ‘delete’ & you can use it freely!

Irish

A few days after Rotisserie Chicken & the start of a New year, I need some new sex memories to erase all the shit sex I had last year. I start talking to this guy online who was Irish who seems pretty cool, he’s a few years younger than me, but I’m a sucker for a accent so I think he’ll hopefully be better than the last.

I invite him over fairly late, I’m still on holidays from work so it doesn’t matter about the time. He asks if he can wear casual clothes (Why do men keep asking what they should wear to my house?!), which I laugh at but tell him I’m in my pyjamas, he hopes that they are sexy pyjamas & I say yes. Why do I say yes? I don’t really have sexy pyjamas. I rummage around in my pyjama draw while Irish makes his way to my house. I find one nighty thing that I’ve hardly ever worn that is like a baby doll dress, low cut lacy bra cups & just a black bottom – I think I bought this nightie thing for Cruise/Cruise#2. I decide to put a bra on too so that I feel like my boobs aren’t sagging.

I invite Irish in & we go straight to my bedroom, he sits on the side edge of my bed telling me about his knee surgery. I think how is this guy going to have sex, he still had bandages on. He tells me how much he likes what I’m wearing & he doesn’t try to undress me, it’s hot & it gives me more confidence as I’m less self conscious especially being on top because of his knees, about how my body looks because he can’t see my imperfections, my thighs or tummy, so I can push him down & have sex my way, I take charge & feel amazing. It’s probably the best I’d ever been (up until that point at least) in bed, because usually I am so concerned about how I look that I don’t often offer to get on top.

Irish

A few weeks later Irish texts me again to try & catch up telling me how good the sex was, I agree with him but for some reason I never see him again, I can’t actually remember what happened with this guy, but I never saw him again… This is why I needed a blog few years ago!

Bonus post: FAQ’s

I’ve been asked a a few times why my blog is called “I’ve Been Dating For You”

It’s a play on words of “I’ve been waiting for you” & I just thought it was funny!

I also get asked a lot how old these stories are. I don’t post as I am dating these guys, mainly because I want to live in the moment & enjoy it but also because I never know what might happen. Many of these stories are quite some time ago, some more recent, they aren’t in any particular order but I do try to keep the time line straight. Especially when posting multiple stories about a guy & when they intertwine with other stories (When I’m trying to juggle men). But rest assured, I do have enough stories over the last decade to keep this blog alive!

I am currently busily writing about the last few years plus still dating to ensure the survival of the blog & find my retard in tin foil but if I do say so myself, my life does get a little juicer as I get older. (They don’t call it dirty thirties for nothing!) So stay tuned, but read at your own risk of knowing too much about me!

I started writing because so many people told me too but I also felt a little alone in my dating life. Pretty much all of my friends have partners & the single ones don’t seem to have the same experiences I do. But I thought, I surely can’t be alone in this. So I started writing, then finally posting them & now the feedback I get is how relatable it is to people. So if I can make even one person not feel alone in their dating journey, then I feel successful.

I believe with the title, this blog may live on also post dating life, if & when I do get a partner. I can discuss my relationship rather than all the douches that I keep meeting & dating. I’m not an expert but I like to think that I am not the only one going through these type of things, so this is about being honest with you all & making sure no one feels alone!

I hope that one day I can actually be hugging a beautiful man, inside & out, that I genuinely think “Wow! I’ve been waiting for this guy, I’ve dated all these shit guys, so I can appreciate what I have in front of me” & I will look deep in his eyes & say “I’ve been dating for you.” then we kiss & the movie credits roll…

Oh whoops.

Sorry, forgot this isn’t a rom com!

Rotisserie Chicken

New Years Eve plans were to go to a friends house for drinks with a bunch of couples! WHOO HOO! There would be no random hook up, there would be no midnight kiss, there will be no semi-flirtatious banter with a cute single guy (who will probably end up with someone else anyway) & there would be no love story starting in the new year for me.

So I searched online to find someone to hook up with before I went out, Rotisserie Chicken was available, cute & we exchanged phone numbers. We were texting for a bit & I stressed the urgency of his visit since I was getting picked up at 6:00pm, however I told him it was actually 5:00pm so I would have time to get ready again.

He said he’d bring some drinks over, so brought a can or two of something & we just stood in my kitchen & talked. He looked out into my backyard & talked about bullshit, I don’t really remember how but we ended up in my lounge room, standing by the TV cabinet & I saw the clock & thought this is going to have to happen soon or it won’t happen at all. So I stood on my tippy toes (cos I’m short!) & kissed him.

He kisses me back & I lead him into my bedroom undressing as we go. We have sex but it’s not that good, he changes positions so often that it means that I am never going to get to climax, it never gets close to feeling good before he turns me a little bit, he pounds me a few more times then turns me again. I’m sure you’ve all had sex like this before, it has the potential to be good but it never gets there. I feel like I am spinning like a rotisserie chicken in the oven, getting hot but never achieving anything else.

Once he’s done, we just get up & get dressed. I know I am never going to see him again but he talks about texting me tomorrow to catch up. I say yeah, thinking I’ll never hear from him again. Which is exactly how this story ends. I don’t text him either, but with bad sex the first time, usually doesn’t get any better, no matter how hard you try.

Rotisserie Chicken

I’m not sure if I am happy I got a New Years Eve root or depressed that it was so bad & there was no way to erase it with another guy at the party. I settle for being happy that I had sex & try to forget that it wasn’t that good, I mean it certainly wasn’t the worst sex I’ve ever had but it was no where near even reasonable sex.

Dating Sites

I never seem to use the name of the dating sites I use, I’m not sure why, I guess because they don’t pay me to advertise but also it’s kinda irrelevant what site I met all of these dip shits on, they are all the same in the end. But I want to talk about the options, what I’ve been on & how they work for those of you thinking about joining!

OASIS: Free site with app to like someone then chat to them if they like you back. It’s more about the profile & picture information, but you can opt not to have a picture & you can have very little information.

TINDER: Free superficial app, swipe left for no & swipe right for yes. Good thing is there are no dumb usernames because it links to Facebook. You can also superlike people by swiping up which means it’s not anonymous but then they at least know you like them & its not just wait until you die to find out that they never liked you!

BADOO: Is a paid site with app, which encompasses Oasis & Tinder, there is swiping left & right, but you can also chat to someone who is not your friend or accepted you at all. You can also see who is close to you, as in km’s away from you, which can be a bit creepy when they say, hey pop by.

POF: Paid app that I used years ago, but haven’t actually used since I started this blog, might have to reactivate an account & see what happens.

RSVP: I don’t know a great deal about RSVP anymore, it has probably changed so much since I used it. But I‘m sure people have success on it. Another option to check out in a few months when I am still single as the day I was born!

EHARMONY: Paid site with an app which I haven’t worked out the app at all & am not getting any regular matches even though I have paid for three months’ membership. Yet it doesn’t send matches ever & when it does they are always from interstate. Maybe there are no men left for me?

ZOOSK: A paid app that links to Facebook (a friend didn’t even know she had an account because of Facebook) but basically all the same people as the other apps.

CLOVER: Free app but I didn’t get it at all, but got one guy to chat to me, who I found on other apps, then didn’t talk to me on them once I deleted clover.

BUMBLE: Free app which is like Tinder to swipe left & right, only women have to start the conversations, men can’t even if they match with you.

Dating Sites

I’m not an expert & I have no idea what gets you more hits or likes that other profiles but I will offer some of my own advice (my pet peeves) to those thinking about starting an online profile:

Have a picture, a recent picture of your face, of just you, not all your mates (cos chances are I’ll like one of them better!), not your abs or shirtless or chicks with a duck face & tits out. Also don’t have five different pictures that all look like a different person. Remember you are only as good as your worst picture! (DEEP!)
Don’t bitch about how shit other users are on the site. Talk about yourself, your hobbies, you interests, use positive language, it’s your time to shine not bitch about how other users won’t write back when you to initiate a chat.
Don’t write that you won’t add someone if they don’t have a photo. Sure, have that policy but don’t advertise it. I mostly have that policy too but don’t have it written on your profile.
SPELL CHECK & correct grammar! I can pass by a few errors but not entire sentences on the profile. Chat mistakes are ok but not on your profile!
Do not use text speak ever on your profile, especially LOL
Don’t be too generic.
- I prefer pubs not clubs
- I like walks on the beach
- I like to go out but also like to cuddle on the couch with a movie
- Not looking for hookups (then proceed to only talk dirty to me)
- I’m a nice guy/girl
In the what you’re looking for don’t write “someone who looks after themselves” I hate it, it could mean you won’t date someone who’s fat, it could mean you want them to be high maintenance – spray tan, fake nails, fake hair, always in high heels, anyway it’s just dumb, don’t say it.

That’s just my two cents worth, I don’t know what I am talking about clearly not an expert, but this is just my opinion & trust me I’ve dated so much & been online for so long that I think I could at least go Pro.

Rimmer

“Would you rim me?”

“WTF is that?” I text back, completely perplexed & obviously a little naive back then.

“Doesn’t matter” So I google – good ol Urban Dictionary! “To lick someone’s anus with your tongue. Called ‘rimming’ because it’s done around the rim of the anus.” Why would a random guy I’ve never even met & I’m about to give my address to, to come over for a booty call, text & ask that, he said it doesn’t matter. Clearly it does otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. I’m not 100% sure I would want to do that, especially not with a random guy.

Is this something that men like? Is this something I would do, especially since this guy is potentially going to be a one night stand. I text this back to the guy & he assures me that it’s not going to be a one night stand, we’ll catch up again. I give him my address but that’s where things take a turn. Nothing he says is totally out of the ordinary or particularly horrible, but I just get a vibe from him that it was probably the best thing that my instincts are usually pretty good on these types of things.

He said “I’ll walk in & you suck my cock & then I’ll fuck you” & another text “I’ll finger your ass” then when he asked if “he could let himself in” I really started to get a bad vibe, as if I would just let this guy open my front door & walk in. Then he asked if I would “fuck without a condom” & then he built up the courage to ask if I would “lick his ass” & when I said no, he then said “cock straight in your mouth though? Will you answer naked/in underwear” that I said ‘I want casual sex, but I’m not a whore’ he said “Like we aren’t going to sit around and have a chat, you will open the door and lead me to the room & I’ll get my cock out”

I called it off with this guy, like I said it wasn’t anything terribly wrong with anything he said & yeah I wanted to have casual sex but it already makes me feel like a cheap whore that I don’t need him to vocalise to me that I am just three holes, which he would use as he saw fit, I do still want to be treated with a little bit of respect.

Rimmer

I was a bit worried I’d hear from him again or he’d just rock up at my house, that I said to him that it’s not a good idea & my roommate is finishing work & would be home soon anyway. I didn’t ever hear from him again & he didn’t come over to which I was thankful. Talking it through with my friend later, she told me I did make the right call, that I should trust my instincts. I just think some of these guys have read a little too much Fifty Shades of Grey or actually haven’t read it at all & just think that woman want someone to dominate them.

We do, but only if it’s Christian Grey!

Construction

Construction came up on every site that I was on, he added me on one of the more obscure ones & we chatted for a fair bit because I had a few guys I was texting at the time that I thought I might like more or was further along in the process of hooking up so I just kept him in the background.

Eventually we swapped numbers & were texting late one night, when he asked to come over. I said sure that I was in bed in my pyjamas, he said he’d just wear footy shorts (not sure why he told me that).

We didn’t talk very long before we had sex, all I really remember talking about was how someone died on his worksite that week, he seemed to be a bit vague about it but he’s the one who brought it up. I think perhaps that he wants to get his mind off it & just have sex with someone. It was really vigorous sex & it was really good, I hadn’t had good sex since Willunga & had the horrible moment of Catastrophe still embedded in my head that I was desperate for some reasonable sex at least. I was becoming more comfortable with myself & knew that this was a one night stand that I took charge & instead of letting them always pick the position, I got us in the position I wanted to have sex that night. It was so vigorous that the condom broke, which is why I am lucky to be on other contraception but this was the first time ever in my life where the condom has ever broken. He even says ‘shit the condom broke, these ones are pretty shit with sex like that,’ I take that as a good thing, I reassure him that I’m on other contraception.

Weeks later I am relieved that I am not pregnant, not that I really thought I would be but there is always that thought in my head. & if I was, was Construction the one who impregnated me? How would I know for sure, I’d slept with a few guys recently & even though I’m usually very careful, you just never know. Imagine that conversation with your parents:

“So I’m pregnant”

“Who’s the father?”

“Um… I’m not 100% sure”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Well… Could be one of about five men I’ve slept with in the last few months.”

Yeah not looking forward to ever having that conversation at all, I think that’s the worst nightmare of someone doing the casual sex thing. & imagine what the conversations would be like with the guy!

“So I’m pregnant”

“Is it mine?”

“I’m not 100% sure… I think so!”

That’s not going to go well with a one night stand! I can imagine that they will deny it even if you say that you’ve not slept with anyone else.

Construction

Anyway Construction & I text a few times afterwards but we never catch up again, I don’t really know why, maybe when he said ‘sex like that’ it wasn’t a compliment? I’ve seen him online since then & he’s liked my profile but I have just said no. I’m sick of giving men second chances, I always end up being the one that feels like shit. It must be nice to be a guy sometimes, not getting emotionally attached to things & also not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy with a random stranger!

Bunk Bed

On the casual dating/sex journey, I was so honest about what I wanted with everyone that I talked to, so there was no confusion. If I invited them over, I expected to have sex with them, which is why it surprised me slightly when a guy said ‘I want a connection with a girl before I sleep with them.’ I actually thought that’s ok, since this guy was working away in Port Pirie, sleeping in bunk beds, we chatting online every night for a little while before we swapped phone numbers.

When I invited him over one Sunday night, neither of us were free till later so he arrived at 10:30pm, we talked a bit on the couch, in the kitchen, but he made no moves what so ever to kiss me or anything. I just assumed that he didn’t feel the connection with me, even though he didn’t leave my house until 1:15am. I wondered if I had another ‘Pilot’ on my hands, too scared to make a move, yet seemed keen enough.

But the next day when I was online, so was he & he chatted to me first, asking how my days was etc. The next night the same, he initiated the conversation online & we chatted for a while, it was weird, either this guy was still working on the connection or he was the master of mixed messages.

It was probably a week later that I finally asked if he was keen to catch up again to which he said he was & was away for work this week so could do later in the week, which I said worked well as I was only free Thursday. All seemed to be going ahead for a catch up, I’d suggested a movie at my place, but by Wednesday he said he’d let me know as he had to drop his car off to get serviced. Thursday night at 11:00pm, I log online, he’s online & he immediately starts chatting to me telling me he was going to text but didn’t because he fell asleep.

Bunk Bed.png

As much as I thought he was way better looking in real life & he was the perfect guy on my stupid imaginary checklist of all the things I want in a boyfriend, I don’t speak to him again & a few days later I delete my online account, I don’t want to get tied up in bullshit of a guy I’m not supposed to like, I am on this casual dating quest not looking for a boyfriend, or in my case a boy who I want to be my boyfriend but continually stuffs me around until I am a crying mess or worse unable to get my tear ducts to work at all.

I really don’t understand how this casual sex thing is way harder than actually dating a guy, I am honest & up front about what I want, ‘something casual, maybe regular’ yet somehow I still am only having one night stands, or worse not even getting a kiss!

Willunga

WOW! Yep, that’s how this story starts, without a doubt this guy was (at that time) the best sex of my entire life. Now I haven’t slept with bucket loads of people (despite what it may seem like though out this blog!) but I have a few notches on my bed post. Willunga was the first casual dating experience, we texted a bit & when he started texting asking me for my photo I was reluctant to send it on, but he said he deleted his online account. When I sent my picture from my online account through he eagerly text back ‘Your Hot!” quickly followed by “You can have me if you want me’ but he said he hadn’t done this type of thing before but would be keen to give it a go. I should go easy on him as he might be a bit shy to start with. I said that’s ok, let’s just have a drink or two & see what happens.

Its midnight when I get home a work function & he comes over shortly after, it’s a bit awkward & I offer him a drink & we sit in the lounge room just chatting, he tells me I’m much better looking in real life & that he likes what I’m wearing. I’ve never done this type of thing either & wonder how we’ll go from sitting on the couch to having sex. I didn’t expect that when I got up for a glass of water that he would follow & kiss me, man what a good kisser he was… plus he told me what a good kisser I am that I lead him straight to my bedroom.

Willunga was quite open asking me if his cock was ok, because he’s not slept with that many women before & that he doesn’t think he’ll get enough of me, can he crash the night. After that sex, yes you can stay because we’re going to do that again! We wake up a few times through the night & have sex before he heads off in the morning about 8:30am.

The next night I go out to dinner with my friend who I’ve been talking to a lot about this casual dating thing & she said “Ooooh be careful, he sounds nice & like someone you could fall for, I think you need to line up another guy ASAP” – which is where Catastrophe fits in. (coming soon!) A few days goes by, my friend also advise that I should text him, we text a few times, but we can’t seem to set up another date. I keep leaving it with ‘let me know when you’re free’ but I never seem to get a date locked in.

I set up another online account & he comes up as a potential match too, I think maybe I’ll swipe right just to see if he’s swiped right, which he obviously had because we came up as a match, however he deleted me before we got to chat.

Almost two months go by & I didn’t stop thinking about the sex we had (even though I’ve had sex with other people) when he starts texting me, saying he’s not sure why he text but asked if I had a good time when we did catch up, he was out drinking, so I said stay sober tomorrow & come over, he said he would. But when I text to ask if he was sober, he said he wasn’t & was with friends. I said that’s ok; just let me know when you are sober. He might of got offended as he said “I’m not a drunk.” I replied that I never said he was. I tried the next night for the third & final time to catch up before New Year’s but he was going away so I am leaving that one alone! Damn Shame though, he really was good! Perhaps I should have told him how good the sex was?

Catastrophe

As I get more & more jaded from meeting bloke after bloke who seem all interested, I then finally get interested in them & then they just stop calling or replying to me. So I thought I’d try the casual dating thing for a while – Definition: no strings attached sex.

To be honest, I thought it would be a lot easier, however it is a lot harder than you may think, not only am I busy, but of course he has a life too, so trying to arrange a time that both of you are free is quite difficult. So when this guy started chatting to me one Saturday night & asked if I am spontaneous I thought “yes I am, the new casual me is spontaneous” we swapped numbers & I text him just before 10:00pm, he said he was going to jump in the shower & would be at my house soon, being that he only lives 15-20 mins away, I brush my teeth & put on some mascara for my second ever casual encounter.

One hour later, I get a text asking if I’m still awake, I reply yes. Another hour goes by & he starts texting that he went to the petrol station but left his wallet at home so had to go home & get it, but he would drive fast to get here. Another 30 minutes go by & it’s almost 12:30am by this stage, I text & say I’m going to sleep, he hurriedly replies saying he passed my exit & now didn’t know where he was. I said get off at the next exit & turn your GPS on. Another half an hour goes by, still nothing. He starts texting quickly one or two words to say he’s lost but still on his way. Another half an hour goes by, so by this time it’s 1:30am, I’ve been sitting around for three & a half hours waiting for this guy, even when he finally texts to say he’s parked across the street, it takes him another four minutes to text he’s at my front door. The joke of this story is, that this isn’t the catastrophe part!

Because I’m already in bed, having waited so long, he sits on the end of my bed & he talks a fair bit, not letting me say anything, he mentions how fast my ceiling fan spins & how big my king sized bed is, even stretching out to measure it against his height, but the real ‘high’ point was when he starts telling a story about how Monarto zoo, ran out of water. Of course I was surprised at the topic of conversation, when he was supposed to be here for a quickie,but also when I asked what about the animals & he said it was the gift shop bottled water, but it was a catastrophe! I laughed out loud at how running out of bottled water in the gift shop could be defined as a catastrophe, to me a catastrophe would be a bushfire at Monarto zoo with no running water at all. So as he realises that he’s just dribbling shit, he rolls over to kiss me.

After not even pulling down his pants, just flopps out over the top, I ‘enjoyed’ six minutes of dissatisfaction before he was finished & said he was getting frost bite from my ceiling fan, he then goes to the bathroom & weighed himself on my scales, I’m still not even sure why. Seems like the weirdest thing to do at a random person’s house!

Catastrophe

I did get a text from him a week later, but I ignored it. There was no way I was waiting another 3 & a half hours for the shittest six minutes of sex ever.

Maloo

Have you ever had the sweetest guy ever, that wants to date you but for you there is no attraction at all? No matter how many times he tells you how gorgeous you are & how many times you end up kissing him, there is still no attraction for you. However he’s on the backburner all the time because after all the shit you’ve been though with guys that you are attracted too, he’s there to pump you up & make you feel good about yourself.

Maloo always seems to know when I am down in the dumps & will message me, or make sure I know I am gorgeous. He’s like the perfect guy, just not in the wrapping that I want, which sound superficial, but he’s just not my type. I wish on so many occasions that I felt something for him, he always picked me up from events when I drunk text him.

Even if I post on Facebook that I am home alone just drinking, he would just pop over. He’s not really a stalker but he did always come over without asking & would just show up whenever I was feeling shit or some guy had screwed me over.

One night I text him after my four-year drought of sex & ask him to just come over, for no string attached, sex with me. He agreed & he comes over as he always would but when we started kissing, I tried, foolishly to get him to have sex with me but he wouldn’t. I was so drunk having been out with my family all night but never could get him to put on a condom & have sex with me. I don’t really remember what happened with him that night but we watch Entourage & he leaves.

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Weeks, maybe months later I am drunk & stuck at a local pub with a friend when he is texting me, I tell him which pub I’m at & he randomly rocks up. He drives me & my friend home to my house, she goes into bed, I stay outside talking to him. I ask him why he didn’t have sex with me that night because it made me feel so shit. At that point in my life I’d never ever been so blatant with a guy that I just wanted casual sex.

Nothing ever happens with him, I blame the fact that he has a black ute not a green one which he knows isn’t true, but we both know that there is no chemistry there for me. We lose contact a bit, which gives him a small chance to move on, which he does. He finds a girlfriend & she’s pretty, they seem to get serious.

One night we’re texting & he comes to pick me up from wherever I am, drunk, again! We go for a drive & end up at the beach sitting in his car. When he kisses me I am at a low point in my life & kiss him back for a while. It’s the first & only time I’ve ever kissed a guy I knew was in a relationship. I hate myself for it & I stop all contact with him as much as I can, I cannot believe that I have done it. It’s by far the worst thing I had ever done.

Batman #2

Batman comes back on the scene via text. Really, what is wrong with me? Am I so desperate & starved for a little bit of affection that I allow men back in my life who have already done something to hurt me? How tragic I must be.

Batman & I text for a week, he talks about how bored he is & how he hasn’t been out since we caught up last, he texts me on Saturday morning & so I again ask him out, suggesting that we go out for a drink that night, he says I’d love to but probably have to work on Sunday, I kind of give up on him then, by 3pm he text & said yeah he has to work. Fed up I just reply with the good bye message not wanting this to drag on any longer. I say ‘you’re obviously busy so I hope you find what you are looking for.’

To my surprise, he replies! Totally unprecedented, no man would ever write back to that unless they were interested? He replies that it’s not fair; he does like me but is really busy since he’s working a contract job that he’s never sure of the hours. I reply leaving the ball in his court for when we will catch up, not wanting to feel like a fool again.

Later in the week he texts saying he’ll knock back work on the weekend so we can catch up, which is not what I wanted entirely but it was sweet. He offers up Friday night drinks, I have to work at 7:30am on Saturday so am just keen for a dinner or a movie, he says he really wants to drink & starts to backtrack on his offer. By the end of my work day, he’s decided that he’s going to go out with his mum to the local pub, What is with this guy & his mother?

We actually talk on the phone on the way home from work Friday & he says that he’ll just go out with his mum Friday night because he doesn’t want to have to get up at 7:00am to go home after going out me, um dude, who says you’re going to go home with me again? We leave it for Friday night & decide that he’ll come over for a drink on Saturday night after my family dinner.

I get a text about 6:00pm asking how I am, I reply. By 8:00pm he asks if I am drinking & saying how crap he feels, saying he ended up back at some people’s house on Friday night & he thinks they spiked his drink because he hadn’t eaten or slept yet, to be honest, I had been waiting for this ‘I can’t make it’ text all day.

By 8:30, he wasn’t coming over as he was going to spend time recovering. Tipsy & angry, I simply text back “Ok whatevs” I never hear from him again, which is not a surprise at all. Why would he text at 6:00pm to ask me how I’m doing but then by 8:00pm he’s too tired? Will I ever understand men?

I must be the tool here… What’s that saying – Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice? That’s me!

One Arm

One of the most superficial things about online dating is the fact that you have no idea how old the photo is that the person has posted & also sometimes you can’t even tell if they only have one arm or not! I’m not sure how much it would have mattered that he only had one arm but I showed about 20 people his photo to see what they thought but no one could work it out. In the end he did have two arms, so all was well but I still can’t understand what happened with this guy.

We texted for a while, spoke on the phone & arranged a date, a walk on the beach. Now at this point in my life I was feeling pretty ugly & fat, so when he suggested the beach I was so unsure what to wear, I had no cute dresses or anything beachy, having not been to the beach in about five years, I think I ended up wearing jeans & a top. It was windy as hell & we were pelted with sand the whole time, but he didn’t seem to want to leave, we talked about all sorts of crap & he offered to walk up the beach a bit to where we’d be protected behind the rocks by the pelting sand.

At the end of the date he walked me back to my car & asked if I wanted to see him again, I said sure, he seemed like a decent bloke. We didn’t kiss or hug but I felt alright about our first meeting, even though a date on the beach wasn’t something I was comfortable with, I still felt like this had prospects & maybe a future.

Later that night, he text me to say he’d had a good time, we texted a fair bit through the week & even really late at night, which is usually when guys start being suggestive, but this guy didn’t, he seemed pretty decent. Until I brought it up about catching up again with him, that he said he just wanted to be friends & didn’t feel the spark with me. I don’t really understand why these guys text me after the date to say they had a good time if they know they don’t ‘feel the spark’ I mean whatever happened to waiting the 3 days after a date before contacting the girl? I also understand that these guys are dating more that one woman at a time, but what is so wrong with me that they go from paying for the entire date & texting me less than an hour after, to not wanting a to see me again? What does this other girl have that I don’t? Well clearly nothing, because it’s a few years later & One Arm is still on a few different sites & has liked my profile on one, so let’s just see if there is “one arm #2” coming up!

Although after all the second chances I’ve given men over the years & it ended with me feeling like a complete dick saying “shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice”, is it wise to give this guy a second chance? In the end I didn’t! Did I let “The One” go?

Pilot #2

I can’t even tell you why I would deactivate my online dating account several times in one year only to reactivate it & create another account on a different site all in one week – But I did, I must be a glutton for punishment, because I’m beginning to realise that online dating doesn’t work.

I really have to feel sorry for Batman after our first date, because on Saturday afternoon, Pilot started messaging me through one of the sites. By Sunday night Pilot gave me his phone number again & against my better judgement, I text him. We text for hours, back & forth about absolute crap, but it gets a little flirty! I mentally start to sticky tape my imaginary dreams back together!

I still had a niggling feeling about Pilot so I continued to text Batman too, not sure if I am one to play the field, but I took some advice from friends, & decided to possibly date two guys at once. I’d never done it before & with all the dating disasters in my life, I feel like I need this, to boost my confidence or something. I felt so amazing, two men that I was attracted to, actually wanted me, I was pretty busy that week with another Christmas looming that I had to organise a date with Batman on Friday night & Pilot on Saturday night. WOW, would I actually be able to pull this off?

Pilot was texting me more often & getting supremely dirty, I was a little taken back by his brazen sexual innuendo in every text he sent, including sending me a picture of his cock. I couldn’t help but ask him, ‘only 10 months ago, we dated & you couldn’t even look me in the eye & never touched me, now you send me a picture of your cock’ he just said he was sick of being single & shy. Secretly I agreed with him about myself, but this was taking things a little too far & I wondered what he would act like when we finally caught up again.

Pilot #2

By Thursday Batman bailed saying he had to work on Friday & wouldn’t be able to make it, what bothered me most was that he didn’t try to make another date with me, just said he couldn’t make Friday & hoped we could catch up another time. I don’t hear from Batman again the whole weekend & I assume he met someone else, as it’s pretty common to date more than one person at a time when on online dating, so I thought nothing of it. But its ok because I have the date with Pilot, so I am not too upset, just disappointed. I was actually looking forward to playing the field, I’ve never done that before.

By Friday night, the night before our date night, I haven’t heard from Pilot so I just text him to see what’s happening & make plans for the following night. Radio silence! I never got a reply from him, technically, to this day – another few years on, I’m still waiting.

I am just so stupid for allowing myself to believe that I would have two guys chasing me by the end of the weekend like a freaking romantic comedy, when reality is that I am alone with my cat, trying to cry – tears that will not come no matter how hard I try!

Crush

I had a crush on a guy, for the first time in a very long time but what is a crush? The Urban Dictionary defines a crush as: a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special. Is it really a desire or is it just an over thinkers nightmare?

Personally I am a major over thinker, ask my friends, I think they get sick of me talking their ears off about the same scenario over & over. With every guy that dicked me around I would analyse what they said, what I did, what I could have done differently, what was my fantasy scenario if I had of done that differently… Jeez, no wonder my head is always at the point of explosion!

But what is the point of a crush? With all the idiots that I’ve dated I was at a point where I just couldn’t bring myself to make the first move & so there is no way I could approach a crush! I envy those people who would; they’d say “what have you got to lose?” I can only reply, nothing but dignity! I’m not a shy quiet person by any means but when it comes to men that I like I become super shy & act like an idiot, I feel like it really takes a while to get to know me properly, so approaching a crush would be crippling for me. I would be like Chandler Bing from Friends saying “blarh blarh, flannin!”

I play the scenario in my head, we would meet in the lift (our usual place that we bump into each other), he would smile at me, I would smile back admiring his brown unruly hair, we would chat, the conversation would get a little flirty & in the 20 seconds it takes to get to the third floor, he would ask me out for a drink, I would accept & he’d say he’d email me later in the day to confirm. Of course as soon as my computer has booted up, my email would ping alerting me that my crush had sent me the confirmation email, complete with ‘can’t wait!’ Ha! In your dreams IBD4U!

So my question is this, is it really a crush if you are never going to act on it? I mean I like this guy, we’ve interacted a tiny bit at work but we work on different floors, we’re polite as we walk in the building but stalkbooking them & knowing their schedule so you can arrive at work at the same time just so you can say hello, doesn’t necessarily make you a match made in heaven, that just makes you a stalker?

I think Urban Dictionary should change the meaning of crush to: a human who lightly stalks another human in the hopes of an insignificant interaction, that will probably go nowhere because one human in too chicken & the other human is completely unaware!

Roommates

After my boyfriend moved out of the house we owned together, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a roommate, help with the mortgage & also maybe make some new friends as I was in a pretty low place in my life.

I advertised in the local newspaper & two boys called, one was 18 years old & the other my age, however he never got back to me, so I asked the 18 year old to move in, by the time he was settled the other guy asked if he could move in too, both of them agreed so I ended up with two boy roommates. Big Mistake!

It was also about the time my friend dumped her fiancé & we started partying together a lot. Both going through similar things, we went out every weekend & also some week nights. We partied with my roommates too, inviting them to her birthday party at the local pub near our houses.

It didn’t take long for me to get pissed off with the boys & asked them to move out & I started looking for a rental myself to get out of the house that had so many memories of me & my ex. I planned to live in a unit & rent out my house. The youngest roommate left first & so one night when my cousin was over, the remaining roommate had a friend over, who I ended up having sex with somehow, I don’t really remember how that happened, but I know it was on the living room floor as my cousin was in my bed. I did have to tell him to get off me because I was starting to chaff & he was taking too long!

A few weeks later, out one night with my friend, the roommate & another of his friends, we come home to my house & he says he’s going to come cuddle me, just give him a minute. Not sure what he needed a minute for, but anyway he came into my room, we cuddled & he tried to have sex with me but also wasn’t very good & struggled to keep himself hard. He acted like the girl in the scenario in the morning, making his friend come over, almost to chaperone like I wanted to go back there with him or something. He moved out & I never saw him again.

Five years pass by & who should pop on online dating as a prospect? My friend popped over & I told her who he was & she swiped right & we were a mutual match. We chatted a little, I was wondering if he knew who I was, but after asking me for a blow job, he promptly deleted me, so I guess I’ll never know if he actually knew it was me, or maybe that’s why he deleted me because he realised. It’s funny how tiny Adelaide really is!

Marlborough

Marlborough was one of the first guys I ever met up with from online. We texted & chatted on the phone for about an hour, I remember him saying ‘how easy it was to talk to me’. We met for coffee & a movie, he was quite late, but text me that he was stuck in traffic so I bought my hot chocolate so I wasn’t sitting there like a loser. He showed up (thank god) & the date went well, we were laughing easily over the selection in the candy bar. He paid for the movie which was sweet, I tried to pay for the candy bar selection but wasn’t allowed to do that either. At the end of the movie, he suggested another coffee which he paid for, during which he tried to set up another date for Thursday but I couldn’t commit as I wasn’t sure what I was doing (this was before electronic diaries!) but I said I wanted to & we would work out a time.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, kissing me properly goodbye, my first proper kiss in a really long time & by the time I got home, he’d texted to make sure I got home safe & to let me know he had a good night, making me swoon in the process. I actually really liked this guy & I really think he likes me, this could be it! He is really everything I am looking for.

Marlborough texted a little & we arranged “to do something” one night after work, as no plans were set in stone, when I hadn’t heard from him on the Wednesday, I texted with no response, but because we’d talked about the possibility of Thursday night, I got ready early in the morning for a date for that evening, knowing I wouldn’t have time to get home & back down the hill. I again texted on Thursday about lunch time to start to arrange this date & starting to feel a little needy but still no response. I felt like crying at 5pm when I got in my car to drive home alone, but halfway up the expressway, he calls, I can’t answer while driving, so I let it go to voice mail. I listened when I got home, He said “sorry blah blah blah, I left my phone at my mum’s on Wednesday night, she lives far away so only just got it back now blah blah blah” I text him to let me know when he is free again for this date & I never hear from him again!

To analyse this guy was quite easy, well according to my friend it was, he was obviously dating me & another girl & things with the other girl went better so he dicked me around while he worked out which one of us he liked better… Great analysis & probably very true but I’m not sure it helps me feel any better! Or is it because I didn’t commit to the second date while we were on the first one? I guess I’ll never know what happened with this one!

House Arrest

I met ‘House Arrest‘ on a beautiful summer’s night at an outdoor type bar, I was actually feeling good about myself for a change & was practically wearing a piece of underwear as a top but had never felt better when two guys started talking to my friend & I. One was better looking that the other, but the better looking one was so over the top & continually talked about himself while the other one was quite shy. House Arrest was the latter & when he went to the toilet the obnoxious friend asked me for my phone number so he could pass it on to his friend, who had hardly spoken a word to us, I thought it was a weird set up, but reluctantly I agreed, with my friend egging me on.

House Arrest texted the next day & we arranged our first date, I had an idea in my head of where I wanted to go for our first date, I didn’t think that I would end up going for a drink back at the same bar at 5pm, he said he lived close by so it was convenient, yeah for him! If all went well, then I figured dinner would be on the cards, Nope! He had to rush home to cook dinner, I still had a quarter a glass of wine when he stood up looking at me, saying with his eyes ‘I have to go.’ I skulled my wine, thinking ‘What the hell…?’ By the time I got home, he had texted me to say he had fun… Really?

I persevered with this guy, we set up another date, to go to the movies at Marion, which is still close to where he lives, we met for the movie & I thought we’d grab dinner or a coffee afterwards, Nope! He scurried off making some excuse about why he had to be home. Yet still by the time I got home, he’d text me again & said what a great time he’d had. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, so far we’d been on two dates that lasted exactly two hours before he rushed off making an excuse & hadn’t even kissed me.

When he suggested dinner at the same bloody bar for our third date, I kept thinking ‘Dude are you ever going to suggest anywhere else?’ I tried suggesting other places, but he was keen to stay close to when he lived. That third date night, we ate dinner, then he rapidly said he had to go home, being awkward in the car park, not sure if he should kiss me or not, he opted for a kiss on the cheek. Again I got the ‘I had a great time text’ by the time I got home. I just couldn’t figure this guy out, if he really had a great time, why wouldn’t he want them to go on?

We tried to find each other at a German Festival but failed…What is it about that German festival? I never saw him again after that & he didn’t text much either, I didn’t pursue him, it wasn’t until I hashed it out with a friend that I realised we only ever had two hours dates, then he rushed off & they were all only minutes from his house… Was this guy under house arrest? I didn’t stick around to find out!

House Arrest.jpg

	Phoenix #21 –… on Cowboy
	Phoenix #20 –… on Cowboy
	Phoenix #20 –… on Boyfriend
	Phoenix #20 –… on Motocross
	Phoenix #18 –… on Plumber #2 & #3