Category: Online Dating

Flaccid

If you follow my blog, you’ll know my Birthday story where I talk about the two types of drunk guy sex. I’ve never had a number one happen to me with a sober guy (well this guy drove to my house so I assume he was sober!)

I met Flaccid (poor guy what a horrible pseudonym) online & we chatted a fair bit online before we finally exchanged numbers, we text a little bit for a few days but then one weekend night we’re texting, I invite him over but he says he’s going to call me. We talk on the phone for about 40 minutes before he says he’ll come over. He tells me that he hasn’t done this type of thing before & he’s nervous.

He comes over & lays on my bed next to me, we have some small talk before he asks me ‘what I am going to do with him now that I have him here’ so I lean in & we kiss. As we start undressing each other, I reach over to my night stand for a condom & ask him to put it on, he obliges & we start having sex. It’s not the greatest sex ever but he starts kissing my neck, not in a ‘I’m giving you a hickey’ type of kissing but proper kissing up & down my neck while rhythmically pounding into me, I’m surprised that I’m about to climax without much assistance at all, which has been usual for me. But then he stops everything!

He sits up and takes of the condom saying he can’t stay hard. Great! that’s not something that a girl wants to hear, right when she was actually about to climax before you stopped. He stuffs around for ages but he never gets hard again. He ends up leaving shortly after, I think probably due to embarrassment.

Flaccid

He messages me next time I am on the app & asks if I want to catch up with him again, I say yes & explain how close I was & how unusual that was, he seems pretty pleased. He texts me a few times & calls really late at night one night but I didn’t get it till the morning as I was asleep.

#IBD4U

Someone’s Son

There comes a time in everyone’s life, especially in Adelaide when you start chatting to someone online & realise you know them or someone they know. I met this guy who I was chatting to for a while, things were going well, we were talking about meeting up for a drink, but something made me sign up to another online site that links to your Facebook account, it then shows you friends you have in common. We had a friend in common then I realised that it was his mum, I used to work with her. So when I messaged & asked him, he confirmed & it made me feel more at ease to meet him, because I had sort of met him a while ago at his mum’s wedding, but he’d just had a kid with his then partner. But knowing he wasn’t a complete psycho I think I was much more at ease to have him come over to my house.

I think though when he sends you two texts in a row, one agreeing to catch up & one that says “can you pick me up at ****” with a very quick “that was for my mum” you probably don’t think too much of the fact that he’s still seeing the mother of his child (aka ****), because they share custody, but you should wonder why he’s needing to be picked up from there. Red flags should be waving ferociously.

We arranged for him to come over to my house a couple of times, in the end this guy copied the same behavior of Catastrophe who took FOREVER to get to my house, He actually only lived about 10 minutes maximum from me if there was heavy traffic, he said he’d be an hour, then an hour went by, I text again, he said he’d be 30 mins, that 30 minutes went by, then he said he’d be 10 minutes, I just told him not to bother, it was late & when he said he had to drop of medicine to his son, which is why he was late, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to win back his ex girlfriend? He said he felt a bit shit about not catching up but he never made much of an effort since then anyway.

Someones son

I’m kind of glad it worked out that way, not that I won’t date someone with kids (I’d prefer if they have kids), but if they can’t even meet up with me because of the kids, there must be something that stops them. Sometimes things work out in a way you don’t get, until you get perspective & are able to look back.

I guess I also feel a bit stupid being that the same night I tried to also catch up with another guy but “he fell asleep” so I’m really not sure what is so wrong with me that I have more trouble doing this casual thing as I did actually dating!

#IBD4U

Serial Killer

When I was staying in the Riverland for work I was scrolling through some random profiles on a new website I was trialling & started chatting to this cute boy who only lived a few kms out of Berri where I was staying. We chat a little while & he invites me over.

I pluck up the courage as this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too while on this slutty quest & I’m hours away from anyone I know, I start wondering if this is a good idea as I get in the car & the sun is sinking low in the sky. I decide to just ‘get a grip’ & crank the music, but that was probably a mistake. I forget what the music was that was playing but it was kinda an eerie song, it was now pitch black, being that he was out in the country with no street lights, plus I almost hit 3 rabbits, a bird flew out in front of me in the darkness & then I saw a kangaroo. The GPS took me to his street, there were no street lights, no neighbours, vineyards on one side & I seriously looked like I was going to be murdered out here! I did a quick u-turn & put my foot down to go back to the comfort of the hotel.

Serial Killer

I messaged him on the app when I got back to the hotel & I was quite honest, he laughs & explains he does have neighbours & that I should come back. I suggest he comes to the hotel but he says he’s shy & doesn’t want to get kicked out. I don’t really get that but I say ok & agree that perhaps we could meet in the daylight the next day. I finish work at 5:00pm & want to go for a walk first but could be there about 6:00pm. He agrees.

Next day in the day light I start the trek again, we have discussed me going another way which includes me going over the ferry. It’s much easier & in the light of day I realise that his house isn’t as scary as I first thought. His house is brand new, he has neighbours right next to his house (probably closer than my neighbours at home) & he’s also waiting out the front for me to arrive as I was messaging him when I was on the ferry.

He’s really tall & better looking than his photos so I am pleasantly surprised. We go inside & his house is immaculate, not a thing out of place & everything looks completely brand new. He asks if I have eaten, which I haven’t so he cooks a store bought frozen pizza. Then his phone rings & of course I can only hear one side “oh really? Oh ok, I’ll be there in a minute” I figure that this is the ‘rescue call,’ mostly done by women, where you get a friend to call 30 minutes in to a date so that if it’s going bad you can bail. So he says to me, ‘I just have to go help my dad for a second, pick something on the TV’ I think WTF!

So there I am sitting in his lounge room, watching TV while he goes somewhere. I think this isn’t good. I start to think about horror movies & what might happen to me as I sit there trying to work out his complex remote control.

When he comes back, we watch TV, eat pizza & some lollies. I feel so awkward being this is the first guys house I’ve ever been too from a dating website & I feel like I should leave, I don’t want to overstay my welcome, I also can never tell if they are interested or not. At 9:30pm, at the door he says you don’t have to go, I say I better as I have to work tomorrow & he shakes my hand! Yes, he shook my hand to say goodbye. We talked a bit after that he wanted me to come back to the Riverland & added me on Facebook but I didn’t see it going anywhere. However he was a really nice guy & someone I reckon I could of been in a relationship with. Pity about the distance & chemisty.

#IBD4U

Security Guard

I start chatting to this guy on a new online app I’ve not used before. He seems to be a bit of a beef cake gym junkie looking guy & also has a black eye in his photo so I’m a bit cautious of him really, firstly I don’t think I would be his type & secondly I don’t think the beefed up gym junkie security guard is my type either.

We actually talk about just having a sex work out, so I invite him over knowing he has about an hours drive to get to my house but he wants a shower first, I tell him at 10:00pm to get in the shower & come over. At 10:45pm he says that he’s leaving his house, seriously 45 mins?! But he doesn’t arrive until 12:15am, I’m buggered, in my PJ’s & in bed.

So as I suspected, he wasn’t really my type, he was the same height as me at a measly 5’3 & was really bulky. He really reminded me of one of my friends boyfriends too, which didn’t help his case much, he talked & walked like him.

He came in & sat on the end of my bed & all he talked about was the gym, what he does at the gym, what he used to do at the gym & what I should do at the gym. The conversation was really one sided (although I’m not sure if it was because I know I am not interested so I’m not giving too much at all or if because he just has nothing else to say!)

At about 3:30am I tell him I’m getting tired & that he should go (kinda felt a little rude, but didn’t want to spend the night with this guy) yet he said he could stay, but I just said no it’s okay I’m just going to go to sleep. He text me at 4:45am to say he was home safe & how good it was to meet me & that he hopes that we can catch up again soon. I don’t reply even the next morning.

I had the next day off work so I went to the gym & was getting my outdoor setting delivered, so I set about my day, I got another text from him, trying not to be rude I text back short & sharp answers hoping that he’ll get my drift, but between 2:00pm & 5:00pm I have 3 missed calls, 2 texts & a message on the dating app. He apologises for texting me to much & asks what I thought of him, I think this is the time I have to be honest. So I said it was good to meet you but I just didn’t feel them chemistry between us, he said that it was just the first time & that if we hung out more then we might feel different, he didn’t want to make the wrong move last night.

He tries too hard to catch up with me again (& I feel so bad as it usually never happens that the guy is more interested in me than I am in him, it’s completely unnerving!) he asks me out on the Saturday, when I say no, he offers Sunday, then Monday when I again say I’m busy. I just try to ignore him, but I feel terrible. I tried the blunt route & he was still persistent, but I don’t think I can be rude & ignore him.

Security Guard

In the end, that’s what I do, I finally get rid of him, he gets the hint since I ignore message after message from him. I feel so rude & don’t want karma to come back & bite me in the ass but I have to ignore him, when I reply he writes more but he doesn’t listen when I say I am not interested.

UPDATE: I had tickets to an event at the nightclub he works at, I freaked out that I was going to see him the whole night & I did, he wasn’t working (unless he was a plain clothed security guard) but he didn’t see me (well not that I know of! I wonder if he did & ignored me?)

#IBD4U

Hockey Puck

During my phase of ‘I don’t want a boyfriend’ I stumble across this younger but cutish guy that I think is alright & might be good for yet another one night stand. However when we start texting & he asks me to tell him five facts about myself, I think start to think that this one might be different, we text facts back & forth all night, I stayed up late waiting for his responses that make me smile. When he text first thing the next day I grinned like a fool, texting all day even though I should have been doing work – these texts all day go on for about a week before we talk about catching up.Hockey Puck

We arrange to meet up at my house to watch Netflix, he comes over & sits on the couch not really seeming interested or looking at me, but makes me watch crime shows all night, as I walk him out & don’t get a kiss goodnight, I just assume that he’s not interested at all. Jumping into bed feeling another dating disaster story for my blog, when my phone flashes with a text, it’s him! He says something about how he had a good time & wanted to kiss me but didn’t know if he should, I said I was interested but didn’t know if he was. That’s when texts get dirty, we talk about all sorts, but not in a creepy way, I still feel like this guy was a good guy. He makes me skip the gym the following week & he comes over again, he kisses me this time & we have reasonably good sex (he remembers things I like in bed, like having my hands pinned above my head, which he did a few times) & then I cook him chicken nuggets. Romantic!

I didn’t realise that I had actually started liking this guy, even though he had nothing on my imaginary list for the perfect guy. He was younger than me, was living with his parents, was studying so not working & hadn’t travelled.  But when I get nothing from him the next day, I think I should send him a text first, show that I am interested in him, but I get one word answers back, so I just stop.

The next day still nothing from him & I start to question what I look like naked & how good I am in bed, that I just think I need to see if this is it with this guy, so at one last ditch attempt, I text him & ask what happened, he responds that he’s not looking for anything serious & doesn’t want to hurt me. I remind him that I’m the one who wanted something casual but I bid him goodbye.

On my way to a regional trip the next day he texts asking what I mean by ‘casual’ I explain that a bit more sex but a lot less texting. He continues to text me for a few days saying how much he wants me & complementary things he liked about my body or what we did together (so obviously not my looks or sexual abilities) so one afternoon as we’re texting, I get home from work & invite him over, suddenly he’s not feeling well & can’t come over. A few days later the same thing, I say come over but he’s still not feeling well. In the end I crack the shits at him when I was drunk when he was texting me so I tell him to fuck off.

Weeks later I start getting texts again from him, I wrote back to one but ignored the follow up message… so stay tuned, who knows what might happen!

UPDATE: He sent me a “hey how are you” text about 3 months later, I chose to ignore him completely! I’m sick of giving men second chances.

#IBD4U

Trolls

I don’t often write about people I never meet or people that I haven’t even given my phone number too but there is a type of person on every online dating app or website that always amuses me – the Online Dating Troll.

We all know the ‘Internet Troll’ who in forums or blogs will make obnoxious comments just to get a rise out of the readers, which usually include an angry response, perhaps some name calling, from you (don’t worry I have a comment policy to discourage negative comments!) but I think there is an online dating version!

If you’ve been online dating for a long period of time you’ll have met hundreds of these people, even if you’re only just starting out your online dating journey, you’re sure to come across one or two of these people. Depending on what you are looking for, they might be good for you but trust your instincts. If you get a bad vibe, like I did with Rimmer then shut it down, it may have been harmless, but better to be safe than sorry!

Online dating trolls are the type of guys (I’m sure there’s a female equivalent but I’ve never searched for women online) that within the first few minutes will probably ask you one or more of the following:

  • What are you looking for?
  • What are you wearing?
  • When was the last time you had sex?
  • How big are your tits?
  • Are you waxed?
  • How are you still single?

Pretty much all of these will prove he hasn’t looked at your profile if you’ve got ‘looking for a relationship’ in the looking for description. It’ll also tell you that they probably aren’t looking for anything serious at all, probably just “fun” (aka sex) or want to talk dirty to you over text or via the online chat.

“What are you looking for” is probably the dumbest question to ask, firstly, it’s right there in my profile & secondly it’s a dating site. So you write back that you’re looking for a relationship, a Troll is notorious for writing ‘same here’, but then minutes later will ask you if your waxed, how big your tits are or something equally troll like.

If you reply that you’re looking for fun & see where it goes or something casual, then it’s easy to get caught up in sexting, (which I just find completely hilarious & for me not much of a turn on with a random stranger) especially when they ask what you’d do to them if they were there or they start telling you what they would do to you. (& in my experience, they haven’t ever done what they said they were going too.) I’d rather let things happen organically, especially if it’s the first time you’re going to meet this person or the first time you’re going to have sex with them & they’ve built themselves up to be this amazing lover & then they can’t even fuck you for more than six minutes.

“When was the last time you had sex” has always baffled me, I don’t understand why they would want to know. What is the correct response? Do they want someone who hasn’t has sex in a while or someone who has so that they might be in with a chance? I really don’t know. I would interested to hear people’s theory’s on this one. I’ve asked a few guys & they just say they are curious, but there has to be more to it than curiosity.

Trolls

“What are you wearing” is also another one I always answer honestly, I’d say ‘jeans & a top’ or ‘pyjamas’ ‘Oooh, sexy pyjamas?’ No dude, I’m in my 30’s it’s winter, I sleep in a long sleeved top, singlet & shorts. Do they think we sit around in our sexy lingerie chatting online, no the purpose of online is so you can sit in your crappy oversized hoodie with unbrushed hair but to them you look amazing because you’ve picked your favourite picture of yourself, so let them visualise that on a sexy nighty.

“How are you still single” is just fucking offensive, if I knew that dip shit I wouldn’t be here writing this blog would I? Probably the funniest part about that question is that it’s not even a guy that will ever ask you out or really make an effort with you, so why say it?

Another type of troll is the married man or relationship man. It doesn’t matter if he tells you that his wife knows & is ok with it, I say bullshit! My philosophy is not to accept people with this type of talk in their profile, even while I was doing the casual thing. I hate when you accept a guy then he tells you he’s got a girlfriend who knows what he’s doing, blah blah blah, but hasn’t written on his profile. Jerk!

Anyway the point of this post, is I probably have about 5 of these trolls talking to me at any given time when online, they’ll generally never ask you about work or how was your day & will only ever talk to you while you’re online, usually starting off with the very original “hey”. I just want to warn newbies to the online dating world because I think the first one is always a bit of a shock, but if you don’t like it, there’s a wonderful button labelled ‘delete’ & you can use it freely!

#IBD4U

Birthday

As I get older the birthdays become more classy & less about going out & getting smashed at the hottest nightclub we can find. Well that’s probably what should happen!

I have five really close girlfriends, one of them decided to get a scoopon for a lunch for four in the Barossa at a winery & I thought this was a great idea, it was classy & something different. She also had a night off from the kids so she booked a hotel down at Glenelg. I was actually coming down with something & had had a day off work before, but I wasn’t going to bail on my birthday lunch. I got a little tipsy with the bottle of wine at lunch & the wine tasting after. We have the most hilarious time using a selfie stick & making some really great memories.

One friend had to go home to her husband but the other two from lunch came to the hotel room, not before stopping for more drinks! We order room service for dinner & have a few drinks listening to music & just generally chatting about shit. We get ready for a night out, thinking we’ll go to a bar close by & have a few more drinks (like I need them!). That’s where my other friend joins us & we’re back to a group of four.

We decide to leave this club & go across the way to another, where we find a booth, order some drinks & go have a boogie on the dance floor. Two of my friends don’t want to dance so they stay with our stuff & drinks. When we come back, there are three very young boys sitting with them chatting. I go back out onto the dance floor, this time only leaving one friend at the booth. The place then shuts, the ugly lights come on & we find our friend plus our new friends & walk outside.

It’s a bit cold, being it’s August but for some reason, even though we have a hotel room like 100 metres away, we stand outside talking to these young boys. But my voice has been reduced to a whisper! I can barely be heard over all the commotion of boys jumping all over each other. I end up kissing one of them, talking to him & his friends a lot too, some how another guys joins in talking to us & I kiss him too… I’m not 100% sure how that happened, but my friend kindly took a photo so there is evidence!

We all get too cold so we go back to the hotel room, bringin back with us four boys. My friend was kissing one of the older ones but he wasn’t with the three that I was talking too. Back at the hotel we have a few more drinks (Like WTF? as if I needed anything, my voice is a whisper & I am already really drunk!) Drunk enough that I end up pulling the first guy I kissed, who was also wasted, into the bedroom.

Birthday

Now in my experience with drunk guys it can go either of two ways

  1. They can’t keep it hard or
  2. They are hard but can’t climax

Of course if they can’t keep it hard it’s just a disappointment & even though it’s really about them, not you, I’m sure there are other women out there who think the same as me & believe that it has something to do with them. ‘He’s not attracted to me’ or ‘I’m not sexy enough’ are just a few thoughts I’ve had, however, it’s really usually about them.

This guy, was like Vesty ! The best kind of drunk man to have sex with because it lasts so much longer, which means that there is much more chance of you being able to climax & if you’re lucky enough more than once! So I can tick that off my list, having sex with a 21 year old when you’re in your mid 30’s! At least I got a pretty decent birthday root!

#IBD4U

Irish

A few days after Rotisserie Chicken & the start of a New year, I need some new sex memories to erase all the shit sex I had last year. I start talking to this guy online who was Irish who seems pretty cool, he’s a few years younger than me, but I’m a sucker for a accent so I think he’ll hopefully be better than the last.

I invite him over fairly late, I’m still on holidays from work so it doesn’t matter about the time. He asks if he can wear casual clothes (Why do men keep asking what they should wear to my house?!), which I laugh at but tell him I’m in my pyjamas, he hopes that they are sexy pyjamas & I say yes. Why do I say yes? I don’t really have sexy pyjamas. I rummage around in my pyjama draw while Irish makes his way to my house. I find one nighty thing that I’ve hardly ever worn that is like a baby doll dress, low cut lacy bra cups & just a black bottom – I think I bought this nightie thing for Cruise/Cruise#2. I decide to put a bra on too so that I feel like my boobs aren’t sagging.

I invite Irish in & we go straight to my bedroom, he sits on the side edge of my bed telling me about his knee surgery. I think how is this guy going to have sex, he still had bandages on. He tells me how much he likes what I’m wearing & he doesn’t try to undress me, it’s hot & it gives me more confidence as I’m less self conscious especially being on top because of his knees, about how my body looks because he can’t see my imperfections, my thighs or tummy, so I can push him down & have sex my way, I take charge & feel amazing. It’s probably the best I’d ever been (up until that point at least) in bed, because usually I am so concerned about how I look that I don’t often offer to get on top.

Irish

A few weeks later Irish texts me again to try & catch up telling me how good the sex was, I agree with him but for some reason I never see him again, I can’t actually remember what happened with this guy, but I never saw him again… This is why I needed a blog few years ago!

#IBD4U

Bonus post: FAQ’s

I’ve been asked a a few times why my blog is called “I’ve Been Dating For You”

IBDFU Logo File

It’s a play on words of “I’ve been waiting for you” & I just thought it was funny!

I also get asked a lot how old these stories are. I don’t post as I am dating these guys, mainly because I want to live in the moment & enjoy it but also because I never know what might happen. Many of these stories are quite some time ago, some more recent, they aren’t in any particular order but I do try to keep the time line straight. Especially when posting multiple stories about a guy & when they intertwine with other stories (When I’m trying to juggle men). But rest assured, I do have enough stories over the last decade to keep this blog alive!

I am currently busily writing about the last few years plus still dating to ensure the survival of the blog & find my retard in tin foil but if I do say so myself, my life does get a little juicer as I get older. (They don’t call it dirty thirties for nothing!) So stay tuned, but read at your own risk of knowing too much about me!

I started writing because so many people told me too but I also felt a little alone in my dating life. Pretty much all of my friends have partners & the single ones don’t seem to have the same experiences I do. But I thought, I surely can’t be alone in this. So I started writing, then finally posting them & now the feedback I get is how relatable it is to people. So if I can make even one person not feel alone in their dating journey, then I feel successful.

I believe with the title, this blog may live on also post dating life, if & when I do get a partner. I can discuss my relationship rather than all the douches that I keep meeting & dating. I’m not an expert but I like to think that I am not the only one going through these type of things, so this is about being honest with you all & making sure no one feels alone!

I hope that one day I can actually be hugging a beautiful man, inside & out, that I genuinely think “Wow! I’ve been waiting for this guy, I’ve dated all these shit guys, so I can appreciate what I have in front of me” & I will look deep in his eyes & say “I’ve been dating for you.” then we kiss & the movie credits roll…

Oh whoops.

Sorry, forgot this isn’t a rom com!

#IBD4U

Speed Dating #2

Why oh why did I say yes to going to speed dating again? I am a sucker for punishment, that’s why! Although this time I am a different person, I am totally over my ex, I am on this casual sex dating path that is making me more confident with men & I’m not as shy as I was when I first meet them, plus I’m in a better place with my body image, coming to terms with how I look, so maybe this time might be different.

I’m with a gorgeous skinny friend, so I don’t feel that great about myself with her, but I go anyway I talk to the guys in my usual manner, but as soon as I mention my job title (my real job) I get a few reactions that don’t invite a lasting relationship. One guy reads my palm and tells me something which fingers I wear my rings on, that each has a significant meaning, he was a tripper.

speed dating #2

I had an ok time to be honest, but I knew that the next day my friend would end up with more matches than me & I would feel shit about myself again! Plus a few of the guys & girls ended up hanging around the bar after it was over, we had to go shortly after but they were all still kicking on & I reckon there would’ve been some hook ups that night, therefore if they did match you on the card they probably wouldn’t email you the next day anyway because the’d already found someone.

Waiting for that dreaded email, I don’t even want to know how many matches my friend got, I know it’ll be more than me & it was, I think I got four or five while she got eleven! However I didn’t bother to contact any of them & they didn’t contact me either, so it was a complete waste of time, however I had a fun night out with a friend so that’s all that matters I guess.

My friend went out a date with two or three of them, falling hard for one guy who ended up being a player & wouldn’t ever text her back or waiting ages to finally respond, so she just let that one go. Finally she went on online dating too, she’s now happy with a guy she’s known for a few weeks, they are officially an item! (Update: they have a house & are engaged) I don’t understand how she does it, I know she puts herself out there more than me but she was online dating for like a month & went out with two guys & fell in love with the second one!

The moral of the speed dating story is DON’T BOTHER! No, honestly I think it works for some people, people who make a good first impression or aren’t uncomfortable with that first meeting would do well at speed dating. I’m more the type of girl you need to get to know because I come across shy at first but then once you know me, you’d say that’s absolute bullshit!

#IBD4U

Rotisserie Chicken

New Years Eve plans were to go to a friends house for drinks with a bunch of couples! WHOO HOO! There would be no random hook up, there would be no midnight kiss, there will be no semi-flirtatious banter with a cute single guy (who will probably end up with someone else anyway) & there would be no love story starting in the new year for me.

So I searched online to find someone to hook up with before I went out, Rotisserie Chicken was available, cute & we exchanged phone numbers. We were texting for a bit & I stressed the urgency of his visit since I was getting picked up at 6:00pm, however I told him it was actually 5:00pm so I would have time to get ready again.

He said he’d bring some drinks over, so brought a can or two of something & we just stood in my kitchen & talked. He looked out into my backyard & talked about bullshit, I don’t really remember how but we ended up in my lounge room, standing by the TV cabinet & I saw the clock & thought this is going to have to happen soon or it won’t happen at all. So I stood on my tippy toes (cos I’m short!) & kissed him.

He kisses me back & I lead him into my bedroom undressing as we go. We have sex but it’s not that good, he changes positions so often that it means that I am never going to get to climax, it never gets close to feeling good before he turns me a little bit, he pounds me a few more times then turns me again. I’m sure you’ve all had sex like this before, it has the potential to be good but it never gets there. I feel like I am spinning like a rotisserie chicken in the oven, getting hot but never achieving anything else.

Once he’s done, we just get up & get dressed. I know I am never going to see him again but he talks about texting me tomorrow to catch up. I say yeah, thinking I’ll never hear from him again. Which is exactly how this story ends. I don’t text him either, but with bad sex the first time, usually doesn’t get any better, no matter how hard you try.

Rotisserie Chicken

I’m not sure if I am happy I got a New Years Eve root or depressed that it was so bad & there was no way to erase it with another guy at the party. I settle for being happy that I had sex & try to forget that it wasn’t that good, I mean it certainly wasn’t the worst sex I’ve ever had but it was no where near even reasonable sex.

#IBD4U

Dating Sites

I never seem to use the name of the dating sites I use, I’m not sure why, I guess because they don’t pay me to advertise but also it’s kinda irrelevant what site I met all of these dip shits on, they are all the same in the end. But I want to talk about the options, what I’ve been on & how they work for those of you thinking about joining!

OASIS: Free site with app to like someone then chat to them if they like you back. It’s more about the profile & picture information, but you can opt not to have a picture & you can have very little information.

TINDER: Free superficial app, swipe left for no & swipe right for yes. Good thing is there are no dumb usernames because it links to Facebook. You can also superlike people by swiping up which means it’s not anonymous but then they at least know you like them & its not just wait until you die to find out that they never liked you!

BADOO: Is a paid site with app, which encompasses Oasis & Tinder, there is swiping left & right, but you can also chat to someone who is not your friend or accepted you at all. You can also see who is close to you, as in km’s away from you, which can be a bit creepy when they say, hey pop by.

POF: Paid app that I used years ago, but haven’t actually used since I started this blog, might have to reactivate an account & see what happens.

RSVP: I don’t know a great deal about RSVP anymore, it has probably changed so much since I used it. But I‘m sure people have success on it. Another option to check out in a few months when I am still single as the day I was born!

EHARMONY: Paid site with an app which I haven’t worked out the app at all & am not getting any regular matches even though I have paid for three months’ membership. Yet it doesn’t send matches ever & when it does they are always from interstate. Maybe there are no men left for me?

ZOOSK: A paid app that links to Facebook (a friend didn’t even know she had an account because of Facebook) but basically all the same people as the other apps.

CLOVER: Free app but I didn’t get it at all, but got one guy to chat to me, who I found on other apps, then didn’t talk to me on them once I deleted clover.

BUMBLE: Free app which is like Tinder to swipe left & right, only women have to start the conversations, men can’t even if they match with you.

Dating Sites

I’m not an expert & I have no idea what gets you more hits or likes that other profiles but I will offer some of my own advice (my pet peeves) to those thinking about starting an online profile:

  • Have a picture, a recent picture of your face, of just you, not all your mates (cos chances are I’ll like one of them better!), not your abs or shirtless or chicks with a duck face & tits out. Also don’t have five different pictures that all look like a different person. Remember you are only as good as your worst picture! (DEEP!)
  • Don’t bitch about how shit other users are on the site. Talk about yourself, your hobbies, you interests, use positive language, it’s your time to shine not bitch about how other users won’t write back when you to initiate a chat.
  • Don’t write that you won’t add someone if they don’t have a photo. Sure, have that policy but don’t advertise it. I mostly have that policy too but don’t have it written on your profile.
  • SPELL CHECK & correct grammar! I can pass by a few errors but not entire sentences on the profile. Chat mistakes are ok but not on your profile!
  • Do not use text speak ever on your profile, especially LOL
  • Don’t be too generic.
    • I prefer pubs not clubs
    • I like walks on the beach
    • I like to go out but also like to cuddle on the couch with a movie
    • Not looking for hookups (then proceed to only talk dirty to me)
    • I’m a nice guy/girl
  • In the what you’re looking for don’t write “someone who looks after themselves” I hate it, it could mean you won’t date someone who’s fat, it could mean you want them to be high maintenance – spray tan, fake nails, fake hair, always in high heels, anyway it’s just dumb, don’t say it.

That’s just my two cents worth, I don’t know what I am talking about clearly not an expert, but this is just my opinion & trust me I’ve dated so much & been online for so long that I think I could at least go Pro.

#IBD4U

Rimmer

“Would you rim me?”

“WTF is that?” I text back, completely perplexed & obviously a little naive back then.

“Doesn’t matter” So I google – good ol Urban Dictionary! “To lick someone’s anus with your tongue. Called ‘rimming’ because it’s done around the rim of the anus.” Why would a random guy I’ve never even met & I’m about to give my address to, to come over for a booty call, text & ask that, he said it doesn’t matter. Clearly it does otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. I’m not 100% sure I would want to do that, especially not with a random guy.

Is this something that men like? Is this something I would do, especially since this guy is potentially going to be a one night stand. I text this back to the guy & he assures me that it’s not going to be a one night stand, we’ll catch up again. I give him my address but that’s where things take a turn. Nothing he says is totally out of the ordinary or particularly horrible, but I just get a vibe from him that it was probably the best thing that my instincts are usually pretty good on these types of things.

He said “I’ll walk in & you suck my cock & then I’ll fuck you” & another text “I’ll finger your ass” then when he asked if “he could let himself in” I really started to get a bad vibe, as if I would just let this guy open my front door & walk in. Then he asked if I would “fuck without a condom” & then he built up the courage to ask if I would “lick his ass” & when I said no, he then said “cock straight in your mouth though? Will you answer naked/in underwear” that I said ‘I want casual sex, but I’m not a whore’ he said “Like we aren’t going to sit around and have a chat, you will open the door and lead me to the room & I’ll get my cock out”

I called it off with this guy, like I said it wasn’t anything terribly wrong with anything he said & yeah I wanted to have casual sex but it already makes me feel like a cheap whore that I don’t need him to vocalise to me that I am just three holes, which he would use as he saw fit, I do still want to be treated with a little bit of respect.

Rimmer

I was a bit worried I’d hear from him again or he’d just rock up at my house, that I said to him that it’s not a good idea & my roommate is finishing work & would be home soon anyway. I didn’t ever hear from him again & he didn’t come over to which I was thankful. Talking it through with my friend later, she told me I did make the right call, that I should trust my instincts. I just think some of these guys have read a little too much Fifty Shades of Grey or actually haven’t read it at all & just think that woman want someone to dominate them.

We do, but only if it’s Christian Grey!

#IBD4U

Construction

Construction came up on every site that I was on, he added me on one of the more obscure ones & we chatted for a fair bit because I had a few guys I was texting at the time that I thought I might like more or was further along in the process of hooking up so I just kept him in the background.

Eventually we swapped numbers & were texting late one night, when he asked to come over. I said sure that I was in bed in my pyjamas, he said he’d just wear footy shorts (not sure why he told me that).

We didn’t talk very long before we had sex, all I really remember talking about was how someone died on his worksite that week, he seemed to be a bit vague about it but he’s the one who brought it up. I think perhaps that he wants to get his mind off it & just have sex with someone. It was really vigorous sex & it was really good, I hadn’t had good sex since Willunga & had the horrible moment of Catastrophe still embedded in my head that I was desperate for some reasonable sex at least. I was becoming more comfortable with myself & knew that this was a one night stand that I took charge & instead of letting them always pick the position, I got us in the position I wanted to have sex that night. It was so vigorous that the condom broke, which is why I am lucky to be on other contraception but this was the first time ever in my life where the condom has ever broken. He even says ‘shit the condom broke, these ones are pretty shit with sex like that,’ I take that as a good thing, I reassure him that I’m on other contraception.

Weeks later I am relieved that I am not pregnant, not that I really thought I would be but there is always that thought in my head. & if I was, was Construction the one who impregnated me? How would I know for sure, I’d slept with a few guys recently & even though I’m usually very careful, you just never know. Imagine that conversation with your parents:

“So I’m pregnant”

“Who’s the father?”

“Um… I’m not 100% sure”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Well… Could be one of about five men I’ve slept with in the last few months.”

Yeah not looking forward to ever having that conversation at all, I think that’s the worst nightmare of someone doing the casual sex thing. & imagine what the conversations would be like with the guy!

“So I’m pregnant”

“Is it mine?”

“I’m not 100% sure… I think so!”

That’s not going to go well with a one night stand! I can imagine that they will deny it even if you say that you’ve not slept with anyone else.

Construction

Anyway Construction & I text a few times afterwards but we never catch up again, I don’t really know why, maybe when he said ‘sex like that’ it wasn’t a compliment? I’ve seen him online since then & he’s liked my profile but I have just said no. I’m sick of giving men second chances, I always end up being the one that feels like shit. It must be nice to be a guy sometimes, not getting emotionally attached to things & also not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy with a random stranger!

#IBD4U

 

Bunk Bed

On the casual dating/sex journey, I was so honest about what I wanted with everyone that I talked to, so there was no confusion. If I invited them over, I expected to have sex with them,  which is why it surprised me slightly when a guy said ‘I want a connection with a girl before I sleep with them.’ I actually thought that’s ok, since this guy was working away in Port Pirie, sleeping in bunk beds, we chatting online every night for a little while before we swapped phone numbers.

When I invited him over one Sunday night, neither of us were free till later so he arrived at 10:30pm, we talked a bit on the couch, in the kitchen, but he made no moves what so ever to kiss me or anything. I just assumed that he didn’t feel the connection with me, even though he didn’t leave my house until 1:15am. I wondered if I had another ‘Pilot’ on my hands, too scared to make a move, yet seemed keen enough.

But the next day when I was online, so was he & he chatted to me first, asking how my days was etc. The next night the same, he initiated the conversation online & we chatted for a while, it was weird, either this guy was still working on the connection or he was the master of mixed messages.

It was probably a week later that I finally asked if he was keen to catch up again to which he said he was & was away for work this week so could do later in the week, which I said worked well as I was only free Thursday. All seemed to be going ahead for a catch up, I’d suggested a movie at my place, but by Wednesday he said he’d let me know as he had to drop his car off to get serviced.  Thursday night at 11:00pm, I log online, he’s online & he immediately starts chatting to me telling me he was going to text but didn’t because he fell asleep.

Bunk Bed.png

As much as I thought he was way better looking in real life & he was the perfect guy on my stupid imaginary checklist of all the things I want in a boyfriend, I don’t speak to him again & a few days later I delete my online account, I don’t want to get tied up in bullshit of a guy I’m not supposed to like, I am on this casual dating quest not looking for a boyfriend, or in my case a boy who I want to be my boyfriend but continually stuffs me around until I am a crying mess or worse unable to get my tear ducts to work at all.

I really don’t understand how this casual sex thing is way harder than actually dating a guy, I am honest & up front about what I want, ‘something casual, maybe regular’ yet somehow I still am only having one night stands, or worse not even getting a kiss!

#IBD4U

 

Cruise #2

To my surprise, 7:00am I hear my phone bing as we must be back in Australia & I have a friend request on Facebook from Cruise inc a message, since he doesn’t have my phone number yet. I reply back but as we’re doing a Sydney tour & flying home, I don’t talk to him much more that day, but when I am getting into bed, I send him a text with three things that I am grateful for (one of the little jokes we did, a couple on the cruise told everyone that they always went to bed saying three things they are grateful for, we did it after we had sex as a joke).

We texted a fair bit, he’d send me picture quotes every morning with a hello (including one about how distance doesn’t matter if you really like someone) & I was surprised when he called me for the first time, asking when I was coming to Canberra to see him, I wanted to go, but I was really trying to focus on getting myself out of debt, I suggested he come to Adelaide & he said he would, but he couldn’t leave Canberra for about 8-9 weeks while his dad was away because he couldn’t leave his mum, that’s when alarm bells started to ring as I figured, even though it

was supremely early to think this, but he would never move to Adelaide if he couldn’t leave his mum while his dad was away. But he did a good job of keeping in contact with me, calling me weekly on a Sunday & we text through the week too, but there was always something missing, I wasn’t 100% invested in this guy because I felt like if he wanted to see me, then he would take a weekend off & come see me. Maybe he thought the same thing of me too?

Finally it was the week before he said he was coming, when he finally told me he booked flights in at 9:00am Friday & out at 7:00pm Sunday. I said I’d try to get Friday off work, which was easy enough, but then he decides that he was to do an “Adelaide tour“, which again alarm bells go off, it made me think that he was never coming back to Adelaide & why wouldn’t he want to spend an extra day with me?

We met after the tour for lunch in the city, things went ok, we talked & held hands as we walked through the shops in the city then went for a walk down at Glenelg, before we finally went back to my house, where we had sex twice then went out for dinner. The next day he suggested a movie & some shopping, which I thought was ok, but was disappointed I wasn’t going to show him much of Adelaide. We then went out to see the Adelaide zombie walk after dinner. We had sex once on Saturday night & then he suggested that we go to town to lunch on Sunday & he would catch a cab to the airport as his flight leaves at 3:00pm. I suggested that we go to Glenelg for lunch & I could drop him at the airport, however when we get to the airport, he can’t find his bag, he’s lost his bag! So I suggest he calls the restaurant & I can take him back there to pick it up. By the time we leave the airport & get back to the restaurant it’s 4:00pm, he tells me ‘he has some time, its ok, his flight isn’t till later’ Yeah, I know 7:00pm!

Cruise #2

 

I’m not sure why he lied about his flight times, I guess he wasn’t having a good time, but he didn’t seem to want to do anything but go shopping, we texted a few times but I ended up asking if he wanted to be friends & he said yes it’s probably for the best with the distance. –I guess you just don’t like me enough to not worry about the distance after all!

UPDATE: We’re still friends on FB & he messages me from time to time, nothing exciting but mainly to tell me how good I look now I’ve lost more weight.

#IBD4U

Willunga

WOW! Yep, that’s how this story starts, without a doubt this guy was (at that time) the best sex of my entire life. Now I haven’t slept with bucket loads of people (despite what it may seem like though out this blog!) but I have a few notches on my bed post. Willunga was the first casual dating experience, we texted a bit & when he started texting asking me for my photo I was reluctant to send it on, but he said he deleted his online account. When I sent my picture from my online account through he eagerly text back ‘Your Hot!” quickly followed by “You can have me if you want me’ but he said he hadn’t done this type of thing before but would be keen to give it a go. I should go easy on him as he might be a bit shy to start with. I said that’s ok, let’s just have a drink or two & see what happens.

Its midnight when I get home a work function & he comes over shortly after, it’s a bit awkward & I offer him a drink & we sit in the lounge room just chatting, he tells me I’m much better looking in real life & that he likes what I’m wearing. I’ve never done this type of thing either & wonder how we’ll go from sitting on the couch to having sex. I didn’t expect that when I got up for a glass of water that he would follow & kiss me, man what a  good kisser he was… plus he told me what a good kisser I am that I lead him straight to my bedroom.

Willunga was quite open asking me if his cock was ok, because he’s not slept with that many women before & that he doesn’t think he’ll get enough of me, can he crash the night. After that sex, yes you can stay because we’re going to do that again! We wake up a few times through the night & have sex before he heads off in the morning about 8:30am.

The next night I go out to dinner with my friend who I’ve been talking to a lot about this casual dating thing & she said “Ooooh be careful, he sounds nice & like someone you could fall for, I think you need to line up another guy ASAP” – which is where Catastrophe fits in. (coming soon!) A few days goes by, my friend also advise that I should text him, we text a few times, but we can’t seem to set up another date. I keep leaving it with ‘let me know when you’re free’ but I never seem to get a date locked in.

I set up another online account & he comes up as a potential match too, I think maybe I’ll swipe right just to see if he’s swiped right, which he obviously had because we came up as a match, however he deleted me before we got to chat.

Willunga.jpg

Almost two months go by & I didn’t stop thinking about the sex we had (even though I’ve had sex with other people) when he starts texting me, saying he’s not sure why he text but asked if I had a good time when we did catch up, he was out drinking, so I said stay sober tomorrow & come over, he said he would. But when I text to ask if he was sober, he said he wasn’t & was with friends. I said that’s ok; just let me know when you are sober. He might of got offended as he said “I’m not a drunk.” I replied that I never said he was. I tried the next night for the third & final time to catch up before New Year’s but he was going away so I am leaving that one alone! Damn Shame though, he really was good! Perhaps I should have told him how good the sex was?

#IBD4U

Catastrophe

As I get more & more jaded from meeting bloke after bloke who seem all interested, I then finally get interested in them & then they just stop calling or replying to me. So I thought I’d try the casual dating thing for a while – Definition: no strings attached sex.

To be honest, I thought it would be a lot easier, however it is a lot harder than you may think, not only am I busy, but of course he has a life too, so trying to arrange a time that both of you are free is quite difficult. So when this guy started chatting to me one Saturday night & asked if I am spontaneous I thought “yes I am, the new casual me is spontaneous” we swapped numbers & I text him just before 10:00pm, he said he was going to jump in the shower & would be at my house soon, being that he only lives 15-20 mins away, I brush my teeth & put on some mascara for my second ever casual encounter.

One hour later, I get a text asking if I’m still awake, I reply yes. Another hour goes by & he starts texting that he went to the petrol station but left his wallet at home so had to go home & get it, but he would drive fast to get here. Another 30 minutes go by & it’s almost 12:30am by this stage, I text & say I’m going to sleep, he hurriedly replies saying he passed my exit & now didn’t know where he was. I said get off at the next exit & turn your GPS on. Another half an hour goes by, still nothing. He starts texting quickly one or two words to say he’s lost but still on his way. Another half an hour goes by, so by this time it’s 1:30am, I’ve been sitting around for three & a half hours waiting for this guy, even when he finally texts to say he’s parked across the street, it takes him another four minutes to text he’s at my front door. The joke of this story is, that this isn’t the catastrophe part!

Because I’m already in bed, having waited so long, he sits on the end of my bed & he talks a fair bit, not letting me say anything, he mentions how fast my ceiling fan spins & how big my king sized bed is, even stretching out to measure it against his height, but the real ‘high’ point was when he starts telling a story about how Monarto zoo, ran out of water. Of course I was surprised at the topic of conversation, when he was supposed to be here for a quickie,but also when I asked what about the animals & he said it was the gift shop bottled water, but it was a catastrophe! I laughed out loud at how running out of bottled water in the gift shop could be defined as a catastrophe, to me a catastrophe would be a bushfire at Monarto zoo with no running water at all. So as he realises that he’s just dribbling shit, he rolls over to kiss me.

After not even pulling down his pants, just flopps out over the top, I ‘enjoyed’ six minutes of dissatisfaction before he was finished & said he was getting frost bite from my ceiling fan, he then goes to the bathroom & weighed himself on my scales, I’m still not even sure why. Seems like the weirdest thing to do at a random person’s house!

Catastrophe

I did get a text from him a week later, but I ignored it. There was no way I was waiting another 3 & a half hours for the shittest six minutes of sex ever.

 

#IBD4U

Vesty

Let’s go out dancing, she said, just a few drinks, she said, a quiet night out, she said. Famous last words! We drank glass after glass of wine, we danced dance after dance to the craziest DJ I have ever seen, he played ‘Paradise City’ by Guns & Roses, standing on the window sill hitting his chest, then at the request of my friend he played Barry Manilow. It was a crazy  crazy night. My friend had gone outside to kiss a boy she’d hooked up with & I sat inside with the crazy DJ as the place cleared out.

I think I fell off my chair & my friend started drinking someone’s beer they left on the table, somehow out of nowhere Vesty appears & we start kissing, then the ‘ugly’ lights come on, all the while I’m still kissing this guy. The bouncers kick everyone out & I’m in the street kissing this guy, he apparently asks to take me home, which I agree, putting my friend into a taxi on her own. WTF?

Vesty & I get back to his place, he’s got not taxi money, so I have to pay for it, lucky it was only $15, but I was pissed. I don’t know a lot about that evening, but I must have had enough sense to take off my earrings, necklace & sockettes & put them in my handbag before getting busy with this guy I don’t even know his name, yet I remember asking him many times if he knew what my name was. Again WTF?

Vesty was quite good in bed, up until then I would have put him in the top two, now he’s probably slipped to top five, however I thought this could be the start of my ‘fuck buddy’ roster but as I woke up hungover & soberish, I hear my phone ping with a text, it’s Cruise! I had drunk texted him last night while a song from the cruise was on, I rolled over & looked at Vesty, he is a good fuck but it so not boyfriend material, I look around his room, this is a teenage boys room, the bathroom of this share house is disgusting, like no one has cleaned it ever, I feel like I should be in my early 20’s, apparently this boy was 31. Cruise really could be a boyfriend, I didn’t want to ruin things with him and so I decide then that I will not to ask for Vesty’s number, I don’t know what I will do if he asks for mine.

I text my friend from last night asking where the hell am I & who is this boy I’m in bed with, she writes back his name & suburb! Wow what a good friend for getting all that off him before I leave her to go home with a random guy.

Vesty.jpg

I wake him up to take me back to my friend’s house, which he reluctantly agrees too (I wondered if I was going to have a moment like Travel Agent!) I don’t know if I should lean in & kiss him goodbye but I don’t & as I get out of the car he does the Shooter McGavin fingers to me & says my name, proud that he’s remembered it & I get out, scurrying inside to my friend’s house hoping that her mum isn’t there, while I do the walk of shame.

#IBD4U

Cruise

Meeting someone on the second to last night of the cruise I went on, was not at all what I expected, especially since I hadn’t even seen this guy around the ship at all, other people you just constantly bump into. I was happily sitting in the ‘nightclub’ having a few drinks with my travel buddy when a very drunk guy asks if he could sit down. I said yes, not really interested in him but we chatted as much as you can with someone so drunk you can’t understand their words. His friend came & sat with my friend & they started talking. When the guy next to me got up & left, probably because I wasn’t talking to him so I turned to talk to my friend & the other guy “Cruise”.

When Cruise got up out of his seat & came & sat next to me, my friend must have gotten a little pissed off. Cruise asked if we wanted a drink, while he was at the bar my friend turns to me & says “I’m going to go back to the room” of course I was a little pissed off myself as this guy was at the bar getting me a wine, I hope it doesn’t look like to him that I asked her to go.

After she left, he came to sit next to me on the couch, where he put his arm around me telling me all about his room, he & his mate had a balcony suite, which I really wanted to see because I was interested in the different between our porthole window. He kissed me on the couch, it was a good kiss & I wanted more. I’m not even sure how we got back to his room but his friend & his mattress were missing! We searched the room & found him on the balcony, asleep on his mattress! He so could have fallen overboard, but it was so funny. I locked the balcony door (including locking his mate outside) & Cruise pounced, however neither of us had a condom so we didn’t do anything. –This was becoming a thing for me! Cruise asked his balcony sleeping friend, but he also didn’t have any either.

The next day, reading in the kid freebar, I forgot my reading glasses & so I go for a walk back to the room to get them but I bump into Cruise, which is bizarre since I’d not seen him once before & this was the last night on board, I took him back to my room with me & we kissed but there was no point getting excited since neither of us had a condom. 20 minutes later, I say I better get back to my friend, which he comes to say hello, then leaves for a nap.

Cruise

Later than night, we bump into each other again, (what are the odds!) he buys me some drinks & whispers in my ear “I’ve rectified the situation we had last night if you are interested” of course I was, but how will we ditch our friends? Somehow his friend disappears again & mine retreats back to our room, therefore we again have nowhere to go.

We kiss for a bit at the bar but we go back to his room & we find his friend snoring his head off in bed, my heart sinks, I turn & say “we’re just going to have to do it on the balcony” I sit out on the balcony as he goes to the bathroom & when he pops his head back out he says “we’ve got 30 minutes,” I crack up laughing but step inside & his friend is walking out the door. ‘How romantic’ I say, he open the curtains of the room & turns off the light so we have moonlight streaming in & he asks if that’s romantic enough. It’ll have to do, we’ve only got 28 minutes now!

We have pretty good sex for being on a time limit, I think I’m still putting on my clothes with his friend comes back in asking how it was! Cruise walks me back to my room & asks for my phone where he puts in his phone number & email address, but I don’t think there will be much future to it as he’s from Canberra!

#IBD4U

Maloo

Have you ever had the sweetest guy ever, that wants to date you but for you there is no attraction at all? No matter how many times he tells you how gorgeous you are & how many times you end up kissing him, there is still no attraction for you. However he’s on the backburner all the time because after all the shit you’ve been though with guys that you are attracted too, he’s there to pump you up & make you feel good about yourself.

Maloo always seems to know when I am down in the dumps & will message me, or make sure I know I am gorgeous. He’s like the perfect guy, just not in the wrapping that I want, which sound superficial, but he’s just not my type. I wish on so many occasions that I felt something for him, he always picked me up from events when I drunk text him.

Even if I post on Facebook that I am home alone just drinking, he would just pop over. He’s not really a stalker but he did always come over without asking & would just show up whenever I was feeling shit or some guy had screwed me over.

One night I text him after my four-year drought of sex & ask him to just come over, for no string attached, sex with me. He agreed & he comes over as he always would but when we started kissing, I tried, foolishly to get him to have sex with me but he wouldn’t. I was so drunk having been out with my family all night but never could get him to put on a condom & have sex with me. I don’t really remember what happened with him that night but we watch Entourage & he leaves.

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Weeks, maybe months later I am drunk & stuck at a local pub with a friend when he is texting me, I tell him which pub I’m at & he randomly rocks up. He drives me & my friend home to my house, she goes into bed, I stay outside talking to him. I ask him why he didn’t have sex with me that night because it made me feel so shit. At that point in my life I’d never ever been so blatant with a guy that I just wanted casual sex.

Nothing ever happens with him, I blame the fact that he has a black ute not a green one which he knows isn’t true, but we both know that there is no chemistry there for me. We lose contact a bit, which gives him a small chance to move on, which he does. He finds a girlfriend & she’s pretty, they seem to get serious.

One night we’re texting & he comes to pick me up from wherever I am, drunk, again! We go for a drive & end up at the beach sitting in his car. When he kisses me I am at a low point in my life & kiss him back for a while. It’s the first & only time I’ve ever kissed a guy I knew was in a relationship. I hate myself for it & I stop all contact with him as much as I can, I cannot believe that I have done it. It’s by far the worst thing I had ever done.

#IBD4U

Perth

I had been so busy with a new job that I hadn’t had time to give my friend all the details of the job & what had been happening, she suggested a night out to celebrate, so we locked it in for Friday night.

I arrive at her house & we have a little platter of food for dinner & a bottle of wine each, it’s about 9:30pm when we decide to head out calling her uncle to drop us into the city. I honestly don’t really remember much about the night, it is all pieced together later, but waking up in a hotel room, in a fancy hotel, with a guy was not at all what I was expecting.

I wake up at 7:00am & try to make a run for it, but Perth wakes up & walks me to the taxi, shoving $20 in my hand, I couldn’t have felt more like a hooker & it was probably the most embarrassing walk of shame I have ever done in my entire life, through the hotel lobby, in the elevator, then getting into a taxi out the front of the hotel. Yep, hooker! Funniest part about that is that we didn’t have sex because neither of us had a condom.

Anyway he was from Perth, which is why he was staying at the hotel where we were at in the nightclub. So later in the day he starts texting me asking what I was up to & could he see me tonight, I thought what the hell so I said yes. He texted all through the day & further into the night saying he was going to have trouble getting away from his friends but he would work it out. I explained that I live about a $70 taxi ride from the city, which he said was no problem.

He got to my house about 11:00pm & we fooled around a bit, but he wouldn’t put on the condom that I did have this time, so we just went to sleep. When we woke up early in the morning we talked a bit, I remember him offering to fly me over to Perth to see him, we fooled around a bit but again he just refused to put on the condom, I couldn’t really work out why he would travel all that way to refuse to put one on.

Then he jumped up saying ‘let’s have a shower’ we were kissing in the shower & it was hot, that I just said ‘fuck me’ he said ‘seriously?’ I said yes but he replied ‘let’s get out of the shower’ then when we got back into bed we didn’t have sex but I asked him if he had A.D.H.D. He laughed, but I couldn’t work him out.

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At 10:00am he started getting texts asking where he was because they had a tour to go on at 11:00am so I dropped him back into the city, in the car he asked ‘if I lived here would you want to see me again’ I was a bit taken back, but replied ‘yes.’ He kissed me goodbye when he got out of the car, I wondered if I might end up living in Perth!?

We text a few times during that night before his flight late on Sunday afternoon, he added me a friend on Facebook, but then ignored my text when I text him later in the week, I ended up asking if he was still talking to me, which he said he was just busy. I never spoke to him again & quietly deleted him from my Facebook a few weeks later – I guess I’m not going to be living in Perth!

#IBD4U

Batman #2

Batman comes back on the scene via text. Really, what is wrong with me? Am I so desperate & starved for a little bit of affection that I allow men back in my life who have already done something to hurt me? How tragic I must be.

Batman & I text for a week, he talks about how bored he is & how he hasn’t been out since we caught up last, he texts me on Saturday morning & so I again ask him out, suggesting that we go out for a drink that night, he says I’d love to but probably have to work on Sunday, I kind of give up on him then, by 3pm he text & said yeah he has to work. Fed up I just reply with the good bye message not wanting this to drag on any longer. I say ‘you’re obviously busy so I hope you find what you are looking for.’

To my surprise, he replies! Totally unprecedented, no man would ever write back to that unless they were interested? He replies that it’s not fair; he does like me but is really busy since he’s working a contract job that he’s never sure of the hours. I reply leaving the ball in his court for when we will catch up, not wanting to feel like a fool again.

Later in the week he texts saying he’ll knock back work on the weekend so we can catch up, which is not what I wanted entirely but it was sweet. He offers up Friday night drinks, I have to work at 7:30am on Saturday so am just keen for a dinner or a movie, he says he really wants to drink & starts to backtrack on his offer. By the end of my work day, he’s decided that he’s going to go out with his mum to the local pub, What is with this guy & his mother?

We actually talk on the phone on the way home from work Friday & he says that he’ll just go out with his mum Friday night because he doesn’t want to have to get up at 7:00am to go home after going out me, um dude, who says you’re going to go home with me again? We leave it for Friday night & decide that he’ll come over for a drink on Saturday night after my family dinner.

I get a text about 6:00pm asking how I am, I reply. By 8:00pm he asks if I am drinking & saying how crap he feels, saying he ended up back at some people’s house on Friday night & he thinks they spiked his drink because he hadn’t eaten or slept yet, to be honest, I had been waiting for this ‘I can’t make it’ text all day.

By 8:30, he wasn’t coming over as he was going to spend time recovering. Tipsy & angry, I simply text back “Ok whatevs” I never hear from him again, which is not a surprise at all. Why would he text at 6:00pm to ask me how I’m doing but then by 8:00pm he’s too tired? Will I ever understand men?

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I must be the tool here… What’s that saying – Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice? That’s me!

#IBD4U

One Arm

One of the most superficial things about online dating is the fact that you have no idea how old the photo is that the person has posted & also sometimes you can’t even tell if they only have one arm or not! I’m not sure how much it would have mattered that he only had one arm but I showed about 20 people his photo to see what they thought but no one could work it out. In the end he did have two arms, so all was well but I still can’t understand what happened with this guy.

We texted for a while, spoke on the phone & arranged a date, a walk on the beach. Now at this point in my life I was feeling pretty ugly & fat, so when he suggested the beach I was so unsure what to wear, I had no cute dresses or anything beachy, having not been to the beach in about five years, I think I ended up wearing jeans & a top. It was windy as hell & we were pelted with sand the whole time, but he didn’t seem to want to leave, we talked about all sorts of crap & he offered to walk up the beach a bit to where we’d be protected behind the rocks by the pelting sand.

At the end of the date he walked me back to my car & asked if I wanted to see him again, I said sure, he seemed like a decent bloke. We didn’t kiss or hug but I felt alright about our first meeting, even though a date on the beach wasn’t something I was comfortable with, I still felt like this had prospects & maybe a future.

Later that night, he text me to say he’d had a good time, we texted a fair bit through the week & even really late at night, which is usually when guys start being suggestive, but this guy didn’t, he seemed pretty decent. Until I brought it up about catching up again with him, that he said he just wanted to be friends & didn’t feel the spark with me. I don’t really understand why these guys text me after the date to say they had a good time if they know they don’t ‘feel the spark’ I mean whatever happened to waiting the 3 days after a date before contacting the girl? I also understand that these guys are dating more that one woman at a time, but what is so wrong with me that they go from paying for the entire date & texting me less than an hour after, to not wanting a to see me again? What does this other girl have that I don’t? Well clearly nothing, because it’s a few years later & One Arm is still on a few different sites & has liked my profile on one, so let’s just see if there is “one arm #2” coming up!

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Although after all the second chances I’ve given men over the years & it ended with me feeling like a complete dick saying “shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice”, is it wise to give this guy a second chance? In the end I didn’t! Did I let “The One” go?

#IBD4U

Boyfriend

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of believe that you have it all at 24 I really felt like I did. I’d found a guy who actually liked me, we’d been together for a few years, we’d traveled together, we’d have bought a house together but when it all comes tumbling down around you, you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. I went out with the only man I’ve ever been in a relationship with for three & a half years before he broke my heart, waking up one day & saying ‘he can’t do this anymore’. I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered being that he couldn’t tell me that he loved me. He said that he’d said it too much & wasn’t going to say it again until his wedding day, why did I actually stay with this guy for so long?

As my first boyfriend, it was hard for me to let go, we did almost break up twice when we got back from our overseas trip & about a year before we actually broke up, I am not sure why I held onto him for so long or fought for him, but I think there is something to be said about waiting till your older to fall in love. I was 22 when we started going out & 25 when we broke up, I think that if I had of fallen in love before when I was younger my first break up might not have hit me so hard, even affecting me well into my 30’s. There is something to be said about young love.

Of course when things are going well for me almost a year after we broke up, I check my emails finding the email I’d been waiting for from the Canadian Embassy with my approved working visa when my phone beeps with a text message, I’m so excited, I can’t wait to tell whoever it is that I am officially going to Canada, but it’s a number that isn’t saved in my phone, the number looks familiar, I check my old phone contact list & my heart drops in my chest, it’s him! The ex-boyfriend “Hey how you going, what’s happening?” It’s like he had a sixth sense, “She might finally be over me & happy, so I’ll walk back in & shit all over it!”

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My head didn’t want to see him, but my heart came back to life at the thought that maybe he wanted me back. The rational side of me thought, I will not take him back but the other side of me that still ached for him, it made me excited with the prospect of getting him back. I dreamed up fantasy scenarios of us meeting in a coffee shop, he’d be sitting as I walked in, he’d look a little ragged, like he’d had a tough year without me but I would somehow look amazing, great clothes, hair perfect, face beautiful & he’d stand up as I approached, kissing me on the cheek we’d sit down & he’d sigh saying how beautiful I look, how much he missed me & that he loved me. Finally the words I’d wanted to hear for the last four & a half years, he’d say them & I’d melt, we’d have coffee while holding hands. STUPID!

It turns out that he wanted to catch up to tell me that he was moving interstate, why would I care? I kick my own butt for wanting to even catch up with him. What is so wrong with me?

UPDATE: He is now married, while I’m still on the single round-a-bout from hell.

#IBD4U

Pilot #2

I can’t even tell you why I would deactivate my online dating account several times in one year only to reactivate it & create another account on a different site all in one week – But I did, I must be a glutton for punishment, because I’m beginning to realise that online dating doesn’t work.

I really have to feel sorry for Batman after our first date, because on Saturday afternoon, Pilot started messaging me through one of the sites. By Sunday night Pilot gave me his phone number again & against my better judgement, I text him. We text for hours, back & forth about absolute crap, but it gets a little flirty! I mentally start to sticky tape my imaginary dreams back together!

I still had a niggling feeling about Pilot so I continued to text Batman too, not sure if I am one to play the field, but I took some advice from friends, & decided to possibly date two guys at once. I’d never done it before & with all the dating disasters in my life, I feel like I need this, to boost my confidence or something. I felt so amazing, two men that I was attracted to, actually wanted me, I was pretty busy that week with another Christmas looming that I had to organise a date with Batman on Friday night & Pilot on Saturday night. WOW, would I actually be able to pull this off?

Pilot was texting me more often & getting supremely dirty, I was a little taken back by his brazen sexual innuendo in every text he sent, including sending me a picture of his cock. I couldn’t help but ask him, ‘only 10 months ago, we dated & you couldn’t even look me in the eye & never touched me, now you send me a picture of your cock’ he just said he was sick of being single & shy. Secretly I agreed with him about myself, but this was taking things a little too far & I wondered what he would act like when we finally caught up again.

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By Thursday Batman bailed saying he had to work on Friday & wouldn’t be able to make it, what bothered me most was that he didn’t try to make another date with me, just said he couldn’t make Friday & hoped we could catch up another time. I don’t hear from Batman again the whole weekend & I assume he met someone else, as it’s pretty common to date more than one person at a time when on online dating, so I thought nothing of it. But its ok because I have the date with Pilot, so I am not too upset, just disappointed. I was actually looking forward to playing the field, I’ve never done that before.

By Friday night, the night before our date night, I haven’t heard from Pilot so I just text him to see what’s happening & make plans for the following night. Radio silence! I never got a reply from him, technically, to this day – another few years on, I’m still waiting.

I am just so stupid for allowing myself to believe that I would have two guys chasing me by the end of the weekend like a freaking romantic comedy, when reality is that I am alone with my cat, trying to cry – tears that will not come no matter how hard I try!

#IBD4U

Crush

I had a crush on a guy, for the first time in a very long time but what is a crush? The Urban Dictionary defines a crush as: a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special. Is it really a desire or is it just an over thinkers nightmare?

Personally I am a major over thinker, ask my friends, I think they get sick of me talking their ears off about the same scenario over & over. With every guy that dicked me around I would analyse what they said, what I did, what I could have done differently, what was my fantasy scenario if I had of done that differently… Jeez, no wonder my head is always at the point of explosion!

But what is the point of a crush? With all the idiots that I’ve dated I was at a point where I just couldn’t bring myself to make the first move & so there is no way I could approach a crush! I envy those people who would; they’d say “what have you got to lose?” I can only reply, nothing but dignity! I’m not a shy quiet person by any means but when it comes to men that I like I become super shy & act like an idiot, I feel like it really takes a while to get to know me properly, so approaching a crush would be crippling for me. I would be like Chandler Bing from Friends saying “blarh blarh, flannin!”

I play the scenario in my head, we would meet in the lift (our usual place that we bump into each other), he would smile at me, I would smile back admiring his brown unruly hair, we would chat, the conversation would get a little flirty & in the 20 seconds it takes to get to the third floor, he would ask me out for a drink, I would accept & he’d say he’d email me later in the day to confirm. Of course as soon as my computer has booted up, my email would ping alerting me that my crush had sent me the confirmation email, complete with ‘can’t wait!’ Ha! In your dreams IBD4U!

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So my question is this, is it really a crush if you are never going to act on it? I mean I like this guy, we’ve interacted a tiny bit at work but we work on different floors, we’re polite as we walk in the building but stalkbooking them & knowing their schedule so you can arrive at work at the same time just so you can say hello, doesn’t necessarily make you a match made in heaven, that just makes you a stalker?

I think Urban Dictionary should change the meaning of crush to: a human who lightly stalks another human in the hopes of an insignificant interaction, that will probably go nowhere because one human in too chicken & the other human is completely unaware!

#IBD4U

Roommates

After my boyfriend moved out of the house we owned together, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a roommate, help with the mortgage & also maybe make some new friends as I was in a pretty low place in my life.

I advertised in the local newspaper & two boys called, one was 18 years old & the other my age, however he never got back to me, so I asked the 18 year old to move in, by the time he was settled the other guy asked if he could move in too, both of them agreed so I ended up with two boy roommates. Big Mistake!

It was also about the time my friend dumped her fiancé & we started partying together a lot. Both going through similar things, we went out every weekend & also some week nights. We partied with my roommates too, inviting them to her birthday party at the local pub near our houses.

It didn’t take long for me to get pissed off with the boys & asked them to move out & I started looking for a rental myself to get out of the house that had so many memories of me & my ex. I planned to live in a unit & rent out my house. The youngest roommate left first & so one night when my cousin was over, the remaining roommate had a friend over, who I ended up having sex with somehow, I don’t really remember how that happened, but I know it was on the living room floor as my cousin was in my bed. I did have to tell him to get off me because I was starting to chaff & he was taking too long!

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A few weeks later, out one night with my friend, the roommate & another of his friends, we come home to my house & he says he’s going to come cuddle me, just give him a minute. Not sure what he needed a minute for, but anyway he came into my room, we cuddled & he tried to have sex with me but also wasn’t very good & struggled to keep himself hard. He acted like the girl in the scenario in the morning, making his friend come over, almost to chaperone like I wanted to go back there with him or something. He moved out & I never saw him again.

Five years pass by & who should pop on online dating as a prospect? My friend popped over & I told her who he was & she swiped right & we were a mutual match. We chatted a little, I was wondering if he knew who I was, but after asking me for a blow job, he promptly deleted me, so I guess I’ll never know if he actually knew it was me, or maybe that’s why he deleted me because he realised. It’s funny how tiny Adelaide really is!

#IBD4U

Marlborough

Marlborough was one of the first guys I ever met up with from online. We texted & chatted on the phone for about an hour, I remember him saying ‘how easy it was to talk to me’. We met for coffee & a movie, he was quite late, but text me that he was stuck in traffic so I bought my hot chocolate so I wasn’t sitting there like a loser. He showed up (thank god) & the date went well, we were laughing easily over the selection in the candy bar. He paid for the movie which was sweet, I tried to pay for the candy bar selection but wasn’t allowed to do that either. At the end of the movie, he suggested another coffee which he paid for, during which he tried to set up another date for Thursday but I couldn’t commit as I wasn’t sure what I was doing (this was before electronic diaries!) but I said I wanted to & we would work out a time.

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, kissing me properly goodbye, my first proper kiss in a really long time & by the time I got home, he’d texted to make sure I got home safe & to let me know he had a good night, making me swoon in the process. I actually really liked this guy & I really think he likes me, this could be it! He is really everything I am looking for.

Marlborough texted a little & we arranged “to do something” one night after work, as no plans were set in stone, when I hadn’t heard from him on the Wednesday, I texted with no response, but because we’d talked about the possibility of Thursday night, I got ready early in the morning for a date for that evening, knowing I wouldn’t have time to get home & back down the hill. I again texted on Thursday about lunch time to start to arrange this date & starting to feel a little needy but still no response. I felt like crying at 5pm when I got in my car to drive home alone, but halfway up the expressway, he calls, I can’t answer while driving, so I let it go to voice mail. I listened when I got home, He said “sorry blah blah blah, I left my phone at my mum’s on Wednesday night, she lives far away so only just got it back now blah blah blah” I text him to let me know when he is free again for this date & I never hear from him again!

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To analyse this guy was quite easy, well according to my friend it was, he was obviously dating me & another girl & things with the other girl went better so he dicked me around while he worked out which one of us he liked better… Great analysis & probably very true but I’m not sure it helps me feel any better! Or is it because I didn’t commit to the second date while we were on the first one? I guess I’ll never know what happened with this one!

#IBD4U

House Arrest

I met ‘House Arrest‘ on a beautiful summer’s night at an outdoor type bar, I was actually feeling good about myself for a change & was practically wearing a piece of underwear as a top but had never felt better when two guys started talking to my friend & I. One was better looking that the other, but the better looking one was so over the top & continually talked about himself while the other one was quite shy. House Arrest was the latter & when he went to the toilet the obnoxious friend asked me for my phone number so he could pass it on to his friend, who had hardly spoken a word to us, I thought it was a weird set up, but reluctantly I agreed, with my friend egging me on.

House Arrest texted the next day & we arranged our first date, I had an idea in my head of where I wanted to go for our first date, I didn’t think that I would end up going for a drink back at the same bar at 5pm, he said he lived close by so it was convenient, yeah for him! If all went well, then I figured dinner would be on the cards, Nope! He had to rush home to cook dinner, I still had a quarter a glass of wine when he stood up looking at me, saying with his eyes ‘I have to go.’ I skulled my wine, thinking ‘What the hell…?’ By the time I got home, he had texted me to say he had fun… Really?

I persevered with this guy, we set up another date, to go to the movies at Marion, which is still close to where he lives, we met for the movie & I thought we’d grab dinner or a coffee afterwards, Nope! He scurried off making some excuse about why he had to be home. Yet still by the time I got home, he’d text me again & said what a great time he’d had. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, so far we’d been on two dates that lasted exactly two hours before he rushed off making an excuse & hadn’t even kissed me.

When he suggested dinner at the same bloody bar for our third date, I kept thinking ‘Dude are you ever going to suggest anywhere else?’ I tried suggesting other places, but he was keen to stay close to when he lived. That third date night, we ate dinner, then he rapidly said he had to go home, being awkward in the car park, not sure if he should kiss me or not, he opted for a kiss on the cheek. Again I got the ‘I had a great time text’ by the time I got home. I just couldn’t figure this guy out, if he really had a great time, why wouldn’t he want them to go on?

We tried to find each other at a German Festival but failed…What is it about that German festival? I never saw him again after that & he didn’t text much either, I didn’t pursue him, it wasn’t until I hashed it out with a friend that I realised we only ever had two hours dates, then he rushed off & they were all only minutes from his house… Was this guy under house arrest? I didn’t stick around to find out!

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#IBD4U