Month: Aug 2019

Remember when Noodle & I were saying good night… & I said he lurvves bacon then he said doughnuts. Well he loves doughnuts too… OMG I missed it but was Noodle saying he loved me then?! (Wasn’t he?! Or am I reading into this? Hahaha…) Here’s the except from that blog for you to judge!

So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love!

OMG, I may be reading into things a bit much, but I feel like we bottled up our feelings for so long! But did he say that he loves me in a weird way?

While our messages are more lovey, I am acting nuts a lot. I mean he’s saying he’s in love with 2 women, I don’t believe that is true, I don’t think you can love 2 people in the same way. But it hurts me when he tells me that he loves her, he says that he’s not in love with her but she in the mother of his children. I guess I just try not to think about her so much & he’s my best friend with no one to talk to about me or her, so he talks to me. I don’t think he realises what he says sometimes he tells me that “Yeah obviously she finds me attractive & can be dirty. But yeah, no where near as dirty as you. & she does want me sexually, even if she’s not turned on… Last time I fucked her she thanked me… I mean WTF. Cos it made her feel wanted. You make me feel more attractive than she does tho.” What does he even need me for & I tell him that it makes sense why he’ll never leave her. I say that & he replies “Well I don’t. you know the reasons why & I’m never gonna bullshit them to you like most cheating guys do. Keep telling there mistress they will live there wife eventually & never do. As much as I want too…” The thing Noodle never understands, is that he does bullshit me… I mean saying ‘as much as I want too’ is clearly bullshit. If he wanted to leave her, he would! Those lines are designed to give me hope that he will leave her. He says that he never gives me false hope, but he does, every day! Even by telling me that he loves me, he has given me hope. Just not the type of direct hope that he’s talking about. It’s still gives me hope… & I stupidly wait around for a glimmer of this hope all the time, waiting for him to actually say that he’s left her & going to make a go of it with me. I mean lets face it, that’s never going to happen, I am doomed here. I know it. He knows it. Hell, even if his partner knew about me, she knows I’m doomed. However I still hang around like a lost puppy waiting for a scrap of his time.I try not to let this alter my chats with Noodle. I mean I am constantly thinking this shit but I am in a good mood, I mean I am finally in love! OMG, lets just even reflect on that for a second! It wasn’t a dream. A man I find incredibly sexy, funny, passionate & have the ultimate chemistry with, loves me. Little ol me! I will not die now having not been loved! My biggest fear, is now no longer. I know what love feels like, I can’t describe it, but I feel it. It embraces me in everything I do. I wake up thinking about Noodle, I sleep dreaming of Noodle, I go to bed wishing he was next to me. I constantly look at my phone for a message from him, I pine for the next time I am going to see me, till I feel him inside of me, fucking me & yes OMG. That was making love when we came together that day & every time we’ve done that since. We are in sync. I’m sure if we were around friends, we’d been sickening & finish each other’s sentences!

I’ve never been a smoker before, but I have struggled with food issues before, I suspect that giving up smoking is kind of like me trying to give up Noodle, I can hear smokers saying ‘just one more smoke, just one more puff then I’ll give up…’ Yep, I hear ya buddy… Just one more fuck. One more kiss… Then I’m done, I can walk away & find a love that I deserve! Yes just one more time… However as per Veronica Mars in the movie when helping Logan “You ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one more taste of the good stuff…. Neither have I.” FUCK!

We become this weird hybrid of ourselves. We never say the word love, we use the love heart emoji to express that. I’m not sure if Noodle does it because that’s what I do or if he is also scared about saying that damn word to me again! He says “Noodle heart #IBD4U” & I reply “Awwww, #IBD4U does heart Noodle too!”  I am smiling like a tool when he says “Totally lame” I reply “You are grinning”  because I know he is & I am too, He says that he is & I smile even more!

The first time I did the love heart thing, he did say “Oh dear god, we’re doing this now?’  & when I says yes, he does it back every time. & even sometimes he initiates it, so I know he loves it, thinks it’s cute & is happy that I am so into him. As we’re chatting I tell him not to worry “Don’t worry, dirty, sexy, kinky #IBD4U is still there, just with a little cuteness too.. that might make you want to vomit, but that’s ok” & before he reads it, he leaves every group, as if en masse, his chat app is shut down. My heart goes into a panic. What has happened? I am at work, I know he’s not at work – I’m pretty sure she’s in bed asleep or he wouldn’t be chatting to me, he couldn’t have been found out in that short space of time & deleted his chat app so suddenly? What the fuck is going on? Does she know? Did she see my picture? I think I still have his cum on my face in the profile picture, however I do look pretty cute… But fuck then she knows what I look like. No I need to calm down, he wouldn’t delete his chat app that suddenly if she found out. It’s actually hard to delete your account on the app, you have to go to the website first. Surely he hasn’t been caught & told to delete it & he did… It happened to suddenly. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! People start asking me questions, as if I know… I am freaking out more than anyone! WTF… It’s weird it was every group all at the same time, that doesn’t happen to people. OMG. I don’t have any other way to contact him. He did give me his number ages ago, but I don’t want to message his phone in case she has found out about me. As I start to write him an email, hoping that he’ll check his cheating email account soon & give me some answers, I get a request on the chat app from another Noodle. OMG what the hell happened!? He tells me that his account was deleted by the chat app people because of all the douchy shit he has been doing with another guy in a group, who was apparently convicted of being a kiddy fiddler. Noodle was always against this (as everyone should be) but they had such rivalry. It was stupid to be honest. Just so dumb, but Noodle kept getting bans on his chat account, so many times that they just deleted his account. FUCKING HELL that was a bad 10 minutes! OMG the crazy thoughts that went through my mind in such a short space of time is insane!

The following Saturday night we arrange to meet at his gym for our regular car sex, sometimes he gyms before or after but he usually says that our sex is enough of a workout for him. I pull up, reverse in so that we’re hidden in the back seat when we jump in there. But as I go to get out of the car I notice he’s getting in the front seat. He kisses me hello & runs his hands over any part of me he can reach, I ask why he’s gotten into the front seat, he kisses me again not answering. FUCK – what is happening please?!

He says he has to go, his partner just called & he has to take her to the hospital. I ask if she’s having the baby but he says no, she’s having some pain. I kiss him quickly & tell him he has to go. He keeps touching me saying how sorry he is, I keep saying its ok (even though I have just driven 30 minutes to see him for 15 seconds at 10:00 pm.) But he keeps trying to finger me, says he wants to get me off before he goes & how sorry he is, but I push him off telling him he needs to go. He’s with me a lot longer than he should be, he genuinely looks devastated that he has to go. But I guess he’s also worried that I’ll be bitchy to him, he can’t help this… It sucks but it’s not his fault.

I drive away feeling so shit. Like an actual fucking idiot loser! It’s no one’s fault but my own. I am involved with a guy who has a pregnant partner, I should expect this kind of stuff to happen. To be honest, I’m surprised she hasn’t ruined more of our times together. I say goodnight to him & he messages me sorry on the way home. I say that I’ll go to bed when I get home & that I’ll chat to him tomorrow. I’m not trying to make him feel bad, I am just trying to protect myself a little here. This is a fucked up situation. I want to cry but I can’t. I’ll be surprised if I get any sleep tonight. Somehow I do sleep…

I hear a noise in the night, or is it morning? I roll over & snuggle back down, but I hear it louder, like someone is coming in my front door. I hear birds chirping but it’s still darkish outside, I smell Noodle as he slips into my bed naked & I startle awake asking him what day it is? What time is it? It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am, he tells me his partner is home & she thinks he’s at the gym, he left his phone there while he snuck to my house to see me. Noodle never surprises me like this, it’s always pre-planned, but I roll into him & we have hot passionate sex (as always!) before he has to go. OMG, I am so in love with him. As if he risked it that much for me.

I see him the next night for an hour at the gym, we have sex in the car again – it’s always hot. The following Tuesday, is the 4^th day in a row we’ve seen each other, noodle is again on holidays because his partner is in pain, so I meet him at the gym instead, I am on holidays too so I went to my usual gym that morning, but I have been dying to workout with him since I joined the same gym as him, so I say that I’ll meet him in the gym this time. We have talked about having a shower together at the gym & maybe some rimming but I’m still not sure. I get to the gym & he’s on the treadmill, I walk up to him & he gets off it, gives me a kiss hello. There is only 1 or 2 people in the gym. He makes me get on a treadmill to warm up, but I get on the cross trainer as I hate the treadmill, he gets back on his treadmill & we sort of chat as we workout next to each other, I kind of just want to rip his shirt & pants off & fuck him on the equipment. I restrain myself & we do some weights together, where he says I whinge a lot (yes I hate working out & do whinge when I am with other people) but I say later that I was doing the damsel in distress hoping he’d help me & touch me, however he says he feels like a gym noob, I haven’t been going to a gym for years, I go to classes so they don’t have a lot of the same equipment & I have no idea what I’m doing as well. We work out for an hour, I’ve already worked out that day & also just want to fuck him, so I’m also aware that we’re getting to a point where he’ll have to go soon, so I say let’s go. We stand at the cars & kiss waiting for the other to say let’s fuck, I forget which one said it but we’re in the back of my car naked pretty quickly. This is where I want to be. I love fucking him & we’re both sweaty & hot, ready for each other… Is there ever going to be a time when I don’t want this mans cock inside me?

#IBD4U

 

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FACTUAL. FUCKING. FUCK!

I look at the L word for what seems like eternity. I stop in my tracks at work, still, just staring at it. No man has ever said or written the L word to me before in that context. EVER. I never expected that Noodle would ever say that to me, he acts like such a douche all the time in groups, of course I see a different side, but given our situation, I never thought he’d be the one to let his guard down even if he did feel it. I never thought he’d say it. FUCK. I’m 36 & no one has ever loved me. Is it possible that I am loveable?

A million replies go through my head in the seconds that pass. This is stupid, so reckless & it’s going to end in tears… My tears! I’ve been telling myself that for months, but this is a turning point – this has to be a turning point. My head is screaming in a high pitched weird voice that I’ve never heard before “End it IBD4U, end it now” but my heart… My heart… My fucking heart somehow controls my fingers as I type out my reply “I’m in love with you too.”

FUCK.

To be honest, there is no other response that I want to say… I’ve been denying it, I have been avoiding it. I have been lying to myself… He reads it instantly & says “Well that’s even more fucked” I burst out laughing. Yep, that’s our relationship for you! Fucking hell, what are we doing?! He says he wasn’t expecting the L word back from me & I say that I don’t even believe that I have said it myself. I mean only a few months before he had to tell me that I had feelings for him & that we are best friends. I always deny my feelings. I wonder if he was hoping I’d say I loved him then? Or did he want to say it to me? But I kept saying that I didn’t have feelings for him & shutting it down. Looking back, he was probing me to say something more than just friends…

Fucking hell, that song! That song was bloody right! I do love him. I really do. I’m fucked. This is fucked. Ironically he tells me that he realised he was in love with me a little while ago while listening to a song too. WHAT? Fucking hell, that’s a sign!

So I ask him what the song is for him, he tells me is a song called ‘Periscope’ by Papa Roach. Immediately I find it on Spotify, hit repeat & learn all the words & all I want to do is hug him – the lyrics hit home again about the fact I’m going to be so broken when this is over. It’s a subtle message for me to walk away from him. But I want his strong loving arms around me. FUCK. I fucking love him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – just for those who want to listen, but again it’s important you at least read the lyrics.

I want to feel your wreckage, it’s a firestorm
I’m falling like a loaded weapon in your arms
Paranoid it might be reckless, no matter what I say
It’s only going to steal your breath and slip away

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Cause you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

You wear your heart so fearless, it’s like it doesn’t beat
You push away my demons when they torture me
Don’t think that I can fight this pressure pulling me underneath
It’s like I’ve got the whole world tied around my feet

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope
Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
But you don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

Songwriters: Colin Brittain Cunningham / Holly B. Hafermann / Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Nicholas Michael Furlong / Tobin Joseph Esperance

Periscope lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Downtown Music Publishing

The song was released about 4 months before he actually said the L word. I’ll probably never know when he actually listened to the song with me in mind. If he’d been listening for ages then suddenly realised or if he heard it once & thought of me. I mean like I said earlier, he was probing me to say something more than friends a few months ago, so I’m assuming that he realised before me.

I probably have been in love him a lot longer than I will ever admit to him – reading back on my blog posts, it’s evident, but I was living in denial… I am going to get so hurt, his partner is already on maternity leave, less than a month to go before they have another kid together & here I am confessing my love for him. I am the worst kind of human!

Weirdly this same day, all the guys in the chat app groups are talking about guns in the private group we have & Noodle posts a photo of his hand, holding a gun. I am not sure why I never even ask him about it, but I just assume that it’s a toy of his son’s, however it looks pretty real… Why don’t I ask more questions?

Remember Port Lincoln, the guy I hooked up with when I was over there, he is also back, but not enough to get another post, he has been texting me being he is moving back to Adelaide for a few weeks before going to live overseas. He asks to see me multiple times, but I tell him that I am seeing someone, that I have just realised I have feelings for, however, he tells me that “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him” I almost laugh out loud. I mean not only have I fucked & kissed 2 guys since seeing Noodle but I am also the other woman doing this to someone else… I mean the irony is not lost on me. However, I guess with Max & Port Lincoln both messaging me to see me, just reminds me how much I don’t want to text with anyone else but Noodle…

I see Noodle, for the first time post the L word on the following Tuesday morning for only 30 minutes before work at my house, it’s early in the morning so we don’t even have time to think about what we want to say. Our sex is hot & steamy but neither of us mention what we said yesterday. I see him again the following Saturday night late when I go meet him at his gym for sex in the carpark. We never speak of the L word in person – it’s like an elephant in the room though, I want to say something, I’m not sure what he wants to do, but he doesn’t say it in real life to me, I think that would be too much if he did anyway. I kind of hope that he doesn’t, I don’t know if I can say it to his face, it makes it too real!

Even though we’ve messaged “I heart you” with the emoji heart every night (because I haven’t been able to say the L word again, so I use the heart emoji) When he writes back “Heart you” I tell him “OMG… that just made my tummy jump” & he asks what I mean. All I send back is a butterfly emoji & he gets it… This ‘heart you’ thing is keeping me really guarded – I have to be, right? I am going to be shattered when this ends. He’s said he’s not going to leave her, they have another baby on the way – I have to keep telling myself this, I have to distance myself from this! But that was all before he said he loves me… Has that changed things for him? How the fuck do I walk away from the first person I’ve ever loved, while still in love with them?? It’s a perfect time too, I mean he’ll pull away once the baby comes & University is starting for me, I will be super busy with studying plus working a full on full time job & going to the gym 3-4 times a week, this is the perfect time to end this fucking ridiculous relationship… But a reader said to me the other day as a perfect description, she’s had the same type of chemistry before, it’s like a drug she couldn’t give up… Well fuck, if that isn’t true for me, then I don’t know what is! I constantly think about giving him up, but I can’t quite seem to cut the ties…

Our next Tuesday night together, I want to remind him that I’m still the kinky woman, that I always was because our chats seem to be more lovely dovey, with hearts & xxx, he needs a reminder. We’ve fucked at the train station once before, but just in the carpark. This time I am planning something different. I make sure that I have scissors in the car. It is a warm night, I wear a short summer dress, we fuck in the car as usual when we get to the train station, it is hot & steamy – sexy, passionate…

I cum multiple times riding Noodle as I always do, then I tell him that I want him to use the cable ties that we bought together a few weeks ago but still haven’t used them, I also tell him that I brought scissors. I want him to bend me over the bonnet of car while my hands are tied behind my back. We get out of the car, I feel self-conscious but I know I need to act confident. I get out the car & before he ties my hands he pulls me down to suck his cock while he’s still sitting in the passenger seat. I love when he gets all dominant & rough, shoving his cock down my throat. I don’t need to be confident because he is in charge of me – he knows what we both want & he makes it happen! He pushes me off him & handles me roughly so I’m bent over the bonnet of the car, it’s about 8:00 pm so it’s still light outside in February.

As he’s tying my hands I can feel myself getting turned on & wet, I’m whimpering in anticipation, he asks me if I like that & I nod saying a breathy yes, he chuckles in my ear that he can tell – that sexy chuckle… FUCK, if that wasn’t enough to make me wet, I don’t know what other sound could do that! It kind of frightens me a little, being so restrained – unable to even squirm without them digging into my skin & hurting me – but it also feels so good. A weird awesome pain… I do trust him, but it does cross my mind that this is also his first time with cable ties too. Something could go wrong, however, I don’t have time to think these thoughts as he pulls my panties down to my knees, lifts my skirt up, smacks my ass several times, so fucking hard, I think it’s the hardest he’s ever hit me before, I’m whimpering more, so turned on, so wet & I love the sound we both make as he slides into me from behind, he fucks me hard against the car then he pulls my pony tail, tight & hard, I wince at the pain of the angle I am now on but he knows I love it & he loves being rough with me, pulling me almost right against his chest to make me turn to kiss him. He fucks me so hard that I cum again twice before he does. Jesus Christ… Did the L word intensify our fuck sessions?!

After we head back to his work, I pull up at his car & every week I actually hope like fuck, that he doesn’t say goodbye, that he jumps out, gets his phone, checks it then gets back in my car to chat. Which he does… I love this time with him. I love it more than anything, it’s my uninterrupted time with him where we talk about everything – neither of us playing with our phones or trying to fuck each other. But this is the first time since the L word that we’ve had a Tuesday night chat session. I kind of wish I could tell him how much this time means to me. Why can’t I tell him? We’ve got the sex part down pat & chatting online, but this is what I want. The ability to talk to my best friend in real life, without wondering if he is chatting to someone else or if his partner has gotten out of bed when he disappears online. I get him on a Tuesday night, albeit for a short time, but I get him all to myself.

#IBD4U

So the next night I go to Noodle’s work, wearing the sexy white lingerie that I was going to wear the day I wore the white dress he loves, this white lingerie, which I’ve shown him pictures of, but haven’t actually worn for him. He no longer has his spare iPhone to fake his location, so he is stuck & I have to go to him a lot more than I used too. I skip the gym & go to see him at his work in a cute dress & white lingerie.

I pick him up & because it’s February it’s daylight savings, so at 7:30 pm it’s still quite bright outside. So we can’t go to our regular spot & so I drive to a train station & pull up in the corner in a car park. We climb in to the backseat & start kissing, me straddling him & I love that moment when I lift my dress up over my head & his eyes pop out of his head once he sees what I’m wearing. Between that & that noise he makes, I swear to god, I feel like the sexiest woman alive, with no flaws, no stretchmarks, I honestly feel on top of the world when I see that look or hear that noise, I mean combine the two of those things & I will pretty much will just cum on the spot! Hahaha.

We fuck in the backseat, I’m not as conscious of fucking in public anymore since the carwash, that’s the most open & exposed sex I think I’ve ever had. This is a bit more secluded but as the sun sets in the night sky, Noodle cums for the first time on my face while cumming on my tits. He loves this when I open my mouth & poke out my tongue, he pretty much cums instantly. Laying there, I take a cute pic of me in the lingerie with his white cum on my face. (Later in the week I update my profile picture on the chat app to this pic – needless to say I get a lot of attention from it!) I clean us both up & we go back to his car & sit there chatting for hours, until 10:00 pm. It’s getting later & later that he’ll sit in the car chatting to me. She sleeps more obviously being more pregnant, so she’s never up when he gets home, so he isn’t too worried about her looking at the apple stalker app as much anymore. This is good for me because he’s also not looking at his phone or watch as much. I am getting undivided attention from Noodle without him looking at the clock. I feel like we are talking more than we fuck on Tuesdays now. I love this time as I’ve said before, just chatting to him, finding out more about him, actually telling him about me, not just talking about food or sex. In fact when we’re not having sex but we’re together, we don’t ever talk about sex. We talk over text all the time about sex, food our lives but in person we talk about ourselves more. I feel like this guy gets me, I get him & this is the first time I remember stuff.

I remember when Boyfriend was breaking up with me & he said to me “You don’t know me at all” & that hit home for me & that was how I know that I wasn’t in love with him. I didn’t know what Boyfriends favourite food was, I knew his favourite band but that’s mainly because music is my thing. I didn’t really know much about him even though we were together for 3.5 years & owned a house together. But with Noodle I am voracious for information about him, remembering everything that he tells me (within reason of course, not every word). OMG is that where that saying comes from? Hanging on every word? Because I do… I hang on every word he says & am always eager to hear more from him. The thing that scares me the most is that the appetite for information about him just seems to grow, even after a year, I can still find things to talk to him about. I still want to chat to him all day when we’re free & he still wants to chat to me.

The next day, it’s Valentine’s day! My most hated day of the year, as you can imagine – I’m always single. It’s a great day when you have a partner who is romantic I guess, which I never do. Expect last year my Nanna passed away & I spent the day with Max, which was really lovely to be honest, he was sweet & just what I needed that day, even though we didn’t have sex. Noodle starts the day by actually saying Happy V day to me, which surprises me, but I lap it up. I am going away for work today, so I pack the car & drive.

On my way to Mt Gambier for work, I pick a random mix on Spoitfy – maybe it’s something to do with valentine’s day & it there’s all these songs I don’t usually listen to or haven’t heard before & most seem to be about heartbreak, not love – WTF is this playlist? But when a song by Paloma Faith comes on, called ‘Only Love Can Hurt Like This’, I listen to the lyrics, they start speaking to me. I hit rewind when it’s done & then again & again, before long I know all the words & am belting out the tune on the drive. Does anyone else ever do that?

For about 3 hours I listen to this song before I realise I think I love Noodle! I stop singing (if I was walking I would’ve probably stopped in my tracks! Kind of like that scene in the movie Clueless when Cher is walking in front of the fountain & says ‘Wait a minute, I love Josh’ & the fountain lights up) so I just stare out the window at this revelation. No way. NO FUCKING WAY. That’s fucking stupid. I can’t love a man that is hiding me from everyone in his life & I’m hiding him from everyone in my life. I haven’t told my best friends that I’m seeing him, I have told my sister but she’s about the only one & I haven’t talk to her about it in a while.

It’s dumb… I’m just getting caught up, this is just a silly romantic song. It’s valentine’s day & he’s says that he’d buy me flowers if I was home… I’m just being an idiot. I mean if he wanted to get me flowers, he could’ve given me some last night! This isn’t love. I’m just best friends with him & he’s being sweet. I’m just being dumb. Let’s squash that idea out my head right now. Phew that was close, I almost caught feelings. I mean I don’t even know what love is… I wouldn’t have a clue what it means… So this is not it…

The song though, gets me, I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – just for those who want to listen. I think you need to at least read the lyrics! Fuck they are just what I’m feeling right now… Except the L word, of course!

I tell myself you don’t mean a thing
But what we got, got no hold on me?
But when you’re not there I just crumble
I tell myself that I don’t care that much
But I feel like I’m dying till I feel your touch

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this

Say I wouldn’t care if you walked away
But every time you’re there I’m begging you to stay
When you come close I just tremble
And every time, every time you go
It’s like a knife that cuts right through my soul

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burning to my skin
Only love can hurt like this
But if the sweetest pain
Burning hot through my veins
Love is torture makes me more sure

Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been the deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Your kisses burning to my skin
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Save me, save me
Only love, only love
‘Cause only love can hurt like this
And it must have been the deadly kiss

Songwriters: Diane Eve Warren

Only Love Can Hurt Like This lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

I’m away for work when I get a text from my neighbour telling me that I had flowers delivered & they are sitting in the sun. She knows I’m away for work & asks me if I would like her to take them to her house until I get back on Friday. I am dying to know who sent them to me. Noodle know’s I’m away so surely he wouldn’t send me flowers, but maybe he forgot I am away? I have been scheduling my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to be able to see him, so it doesn’t disrupt our fucking schedule so maybe he forgot I was going away. If I ask him & it’s not him, he’ll be jealous & act like a tool. If it’s him & I don’t ask him, he’ll think I don’t care. I decide to just ask him if he sent them & he says no. My heart drops… But I can’t for the life of me think who would send me flowers. When Noodle replies to say that it’s not him, I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn’t send me flowers however, I am actually disappointed. He suggests that it was Max, being he’s back & being a weirdo with me. I dismiss this idea, I don’t want it to be Max, I want it to be Noodle. I get home on Friday & my neighbour comes rushing over with the flowers & they are from Max. FFS. I mean they are beautiful & I am grateful, but my first thought is, did he get his wife flowers? Does she know? & then I wish like hell that they were from Noodle, tbut then I am relieved that Noodle never comes over to my house anymore really, so he won’t see them. I don’t mention them again to Noodle.I see Noodle again on the Saturday for a lunch break fuck, nothing out of the ordinary for us. However it’s in the car somewhere around his work. On Monday we’re talking & being weird with each other, I don’t know if it’s because that stupid song I was listening too. I’m in a weird mood, we’re both being weird with each other & we’re snapping at each other a lot. I am trying not to write back to him as quickly as I usually do. Just letting his message sit there, which kills me & I hate that I am playing this game – but I do. Noodle asks me, ‘Do you wanna know something totally fucked?’ Oh FFS, what could he possibly say at this point, I’m already feeling shit about how we’re talking to each other at the moment, I feel like we are being distant (even though I only saw him 2 days ago for our usual Saturday lunch break – car sex in the backstreets around his work.) So whatever he could say to me now won’t surprise me. I’m sure I’ve heard it all before now anyway in this fucked up situation. So I text back ‘Sure,’ because as if I would say no anyway, but I wait with baited breath for his ‘something fucked’ message to come through. I can see that he is typing, so I keep my phone in my hand at my lunch break walking around work, it feels like forever for him to write it… It pops onto my screen, I stop dead in my tracks. I can’t read it, but I can’t look away….

Noodle’s words stun me:

‘I’m in love with you.’

#IBD4U

I’ve been asked a few times if I am worried about people reading this blog who are in my blog… Especially the people in this Noodle series… Well this is only my viewpoint & my opinion of what happened, there are always 2 sides to every story – in this case there’s 3 sides! I know my side very well, I’m only getting 1 side from Noodle obviously, however I know there’s another side in this story that I don’t know! I will say this though, that if I use quotation marks in any of my stories, it’s because I have screenshots of messages from the person who wrote to me & that’s a direct quote – complete with spelling errors! Hahaha… Most of my stories are from memories, text messages & pictures. So I am not worried about anyone reading & saying this is made up, because I have the proof that it’s not. My blog is completely non fiction & actually happen to me! Again I’m not proud of what I’ve done or how things have evolved in this story, but I think unless you’ve found this deep, passionate, earth shattering chemistry with a person, then you can’t really understand it fully. Personally, I probably would be sitting there thinking the same things as you guys, had I not experienced it first hand.

Anyway, my favourite part about our Tuesday nights together is the fact that when we go back to Noodle’s car, he doesn’t leave. He gets his phone, checks it & gets back into my car & we sit there for at least an hour or more, just talking. I never thought Noodle would be keen to just talk with me like this, but he obviously does otherwise he wouldn’t do it… We talk about everything, I open up about how I used to be, with the partying, how my life has been, he opens up about his life a lot more too. Our conversations now aren’t about people in the groups, like they were at the start, I guess mainly because that was the thing we had in common, but now they are about us, about our lives our past. I never talk about the future with Noodle face to face. Even though it’s dark & he can’t really see my face, I can’t ever bring myself to tell him in person how I feel about him or what I want from him.

Later that night, when I’m home in bed, I am chatting in the groups & tell them what I have been up too, I wish I could announce that it was with Noodle who fucked me in the carwash but we never admit that stuff in the groups. Noodle does make a comment though about how lucky the guy is & I agree. What a lucky guy who gets to fuck me in a carwash… & to think that someone passed on this opportunity! I wonder if Max regrets that now?!

Before we go to sleep that night, Noodle tells me that he’s tired as it’s after midnight, we’ve spent 3 hours together then chatting for about 2 hours post interaction, but says just before we go to sleep “Thanks for being so awesome #IBD4U! Your truly good to me” I am gobsmacked by this messages & laugh internally “OMG. Are you feeling ok?” Noodle never says stuff like this to me. “Night my super sexy slutty bitch” I laugh “Maybe you do need bed. Night” & I wait for his reply “Fuck you… xxx.” This makes me laugh again as I send my standard xxx back to him. This xxx thing has become a regular occurrence now – Noodle even doing it first sometimes… Fucking hell!

Noodle & I haven’t had a morning fuck for so long. It’s almost like I gave him a key & he gave up his fake iPhone app & I’ve had to make all the effort to go to him. But this next Friday morning at 6:30 am, Noodle is sneaking into my bed. I love morning sex, it’s probably my favourite time of day to have sex. A cheeky afternoon fuck is always fun too but I think there’s something to be said about waking up & fucking. While you’re still sleepy but horny, there’s nothing better sometimes!

We haven’t been able to fuck in our old favourite position that makes me squirt like a porn star, him on top, my legs on his shoulders, him pinning my arms to be bed, staring at me intently. I cannot move & have no choice but to be fucked by him, cumming within about 2 thrusts, I’m not even kidding, his cock shape hits that spot & the fact I can’t move, just gets me going… I do beg him to stop because I am conscious of how wet I am making the bed, but I think the begging him to stop just turns him on more & he keeps going. I mean lets be honest here, I don’t actually want him to stop or I would say red, the safe word, but he knows this too, while I am begging him to stop, it’s not what I mean… This is why safe words are very important. It’s a weird concept though, when you think about it…. Because I’m begging him to stop but don’t mean it, it could be misconstrued, I guess by an onlooker. However, Noodle & I have discussed limits & safe words at length however, I also think that if you’ve had these conversations, trust your partner & know your partner well, then you actually should never need your safe word. Your partner, the Top or Dom should be well equip to read your body to know when you are at your limit. Noodle is the only guy to really push me to my limits, always pushing the boundaries, but never enough that I would ever have to safe word him.

On that same Friday night, I go out with friends for a friends birthday & Noodle reads my message but never replies before he goes offline for the night & he never comes back online when his partner goes to bed & I am laying in bed waiting, like the loser that I am, for him to come back online for a little bit of his time. I am fucking furious, why does this piss me off so much! I always message him back even when I know that he’s offline with his family, but I got out with friends & he refuses to message me. On Saturday morning we have a fight about it, I am so pissed off that he refuses to message me when he thinks or knows that I am out or offline. It doesn’t happen very often that I am offline so I just want him to feel a little bit like I do when he goes offline to be with his family. But he is a stubborn ass & never replies & waits around for my message. He just logs off & refuses to respond. Wanker!We’re chatting a bit weirdly on Saturday, I’m angry & he’s paying attention to me but not really, I feel like he’s distracted. I try to initiate sexy talk but he doesn’t engage so I make myself cum, put my phone done & doze off back to sleep. We chat a bit on Saturday night, I head to my other gym (the same gym as him) at 10:00 pm, hoping that he will say to come visit him at his gym, but he doesn’t & I don’t get to talk to him much.

Sunday comes around & I am being stubborn, I refuse to look at his good morning message which came at 4:30 am till I know that he won’t be online. I am just fucking hurt, angry & feeling foolish. I can’t believe I am in this position & am so fucking perplexed about why I can’t pull myself out of this fucking mess… I am a smart woman, about to start studying law & I can’t sort my fucking love life out! We talk a little bit, I tell him that I came & fell asleep that’s why I didn’t talk to him much on Saturday, he then says night & I say night.

I wake up Monday to nothing from him & I know that he’s not going to message me, I fucking don’t want to message him either, but my fucking god, I can’t control myself. I message him morning & he replies. As we talk, I explain how I feel & he apologises for the weekend, this is the first time I actually think he’s sincere about an apology “No I am sorry. You think normally when I wake up for a piss I message you at 4:30. Believe it or not I don’t want to make you feel stupid or foolish. Nor do I want to hurt you or piss you off. Some lame ass reason  actually care about you. Even if I don’t always show it/can’t show it.” I ask if he means it & he says yes, I actually believe this apology. “You wanna know why I don’t message you when your out. Cos I don’t want to feel foolish. Don’t want to not get a message back while your distracted doing whatever your doing that night. Which in my head is fucking people. Hahaha. So I kinda get it from your point of view” OMG is he kidding me! How often do I have to reassure this guy? “I know!!! That’s why I said you don’t get it. I always feel like a fool but you refuse to let yourself so you don’t message me. You finally get it!” FINALLY! “I still feel foolish & make foolish mistakes. But jeez, I don’t let it get to me like you do hahaha.” Yeah because he has a partner & kid to distract him, he’s not sitting at home alone overthinking like I do, but it doesn’t get to him because he deosn’t reply so he doesn’t have to feel foolish, he says “Sometimes I do. I’ve had my moments, but I just don’t tell you” True, I can’t hold in my feelings sometimes when I get angry. I remind him “Today you didn’t want to continue the convo in case I didn’t want to talk to you… Cos you don’t want to feel like a fool. So instead it makes me feel more foolish.” Does he not get this? “No I was pissed at you & was being a jerk.”  Yeah well I knew that! I don’t know what he’s pissed with me for though.. “I was pissed you fell asleep sat… During the time we can chat… then pissed you ignored me Sunday morning. & then said nothing to me Sunday night & coldly said night to me. Yeah I have my lame moments too.” I mean on Friday night he didn’t even say goodnight to me, so how can he be upset that I said Night. Cold or otherwise, at least I said it! He tells me ”I just wanted to chat to you. I had missed you… Then I was like well fuck you bitch” he tells me that he wasn’t happy I disappeared & went back to sleep on Saturday again. I reply ”You have no idea how it feels to have you disappear for me… But I don’t do it to you on purpose. I know you don’t either but I’m sure it doesn’t feel the same for you since you’re off living your life” He’ll never feel the same as me on this. No matter what he says ”Half the time living my life thinking about you constantly tho. ” Awww FUCK!

I tell him that I don’t know that he’s thinking about me when he’s not with me. ”Considering I haven’t deleted the chat app for the last week & messaged you every chance I get. I’m just as loserish as you. ” Fuck that makes me laugh! ”I get you think that but I don’t know it… Even when you tell me, I don’t really believe it. ”  It’s hard for me to believe that he is thinking about me when he’s just logged off & not bothered to message me. & Fuck that he hasn’t been deleting the chat app, my fucking face is my profile picture, she’ll know what I look like should she find the fucking app! Jeez, he’s risking a lot. What if she asks for his phone, I’m fucked & so is he! ”What part of me telling you I have feelings for you do you not fucking get? ” Alright, jeez… hahaha. ”The same part you don’t get.” Hahaha, being that he still thinks I’ve fucking someone else. ”I fucking see you every time we can now? & even like the parts when we don’t fuck. Just chat & shit… Only problem is we have such fucking amazing hot sex it overshadows our friendship part” Hahaha, that’s true, it sometimes does which is why we end up in these fights. I tell him that we both fucked up on the weekend, lets just have sex & make up & he agrees. Saying that we’d be one of the couples who has sex to fix everything ”I’ll be shitty at you tho (rarely tell you I am) once I’ve cummed in you all is forgiven.”

#IBD4U

The next night Noodle & I meet at his work, he’s later than usual & so I go to the gym, but I decide to wear some sexy new red lingerie for him. I am not sure why I do this after how I feel, but I want to feel sexy. I am not sure he can even touch my clit today after the record breaking amount of orgasms I had yesterday but I fuck him anyway in the back of the car – not wanting to miss an opportunity to see him. How easily I forget the things he says to me & how easily I am willing to see him after I feel like a fool. What is wrong with my vagina?!

It’s like there’s a ticking time bomb with everything we say, we can’t be straight with each other anymore, he thinks things are a compliment but I am taking offence to the things that he’s says. He tells me “Don’t make me admit I have feelings for you again…” I tell him he doesn’t have to admit it, I know & it’s why he’s an asshole to me.

Do you guys remember Milky? I am telling to Noodle about fact that I am covered in Noodle’s cum from fucking him still & his cumming on my tits, the place he loves to cum the most. When I tell him how Milky used to jump up & shower pretty much right after we finished fucking. It used to weird me out a little, like I was so dirty that he had to shower, however with Noodle, I am a different kind of dirty, Noodle loves the fact I’m always covered in his cum “Ha I’ve slept next to my wife after fucking you… My cock covered in your cum… Kinda find it hot” Jesus it’s hot but fuck it’s so terrible that we did that… Probably more than once.

The next morning I wake up to messages from Noodle, I know he’s being funny being that I get messages like this all the time from guys on the chat app “Good Morning Beautiful. You have stunning eyes. Your eyes sparkle like the sea. Wanna meet up baby. Hi. Hi. Hi. Add me on Snapchat xxx” then he sends me a dick picture. & what makes me laugh the most about those messages, is that it’s exactly what some guys send to me, I’ve shown him before so he’s trying to lighten the somber tone we’ve been messaging each other the last week, I am smiling for the first time in a while. So I write back “My panties are so soaked. Your cum, my cum, my wet pussy… I wish you were sliding into me right now… Hard cock, wet pussy. Yep, just like that baby” he sends a heart eye emoji & says “Do you say that to all the guys” I tell him that it’s my standard response when someone asks for my snapchat & I’m laughing. He then asks me if my snapchat still has my real name as my user name & I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t my real name, would he add me? Stupidly when I made my snapchat account I used my first & last name as the user name & you can’t change it, so I never give it out to anyone anymore once I realised. I wonder if it wasn’t my real name, would Noodle add me & just pretend I’m someone from his work. & because the messages delete, she’d never know & he could talk to me in front of her?! I never add him on snapchat so I’ll never know. But probably for the best to be honest.

Later on I am being needy again & probing him to admit he likes me without actually asking, he asks me why I keep asking him to admit his feelings for me, I tell him because I need to hear it but what I don’t tell him is that he needs to hear it. He needs to start to realise that I am more to him that just his slutty mistress giving him the best sex of our lives but I am someone he has genuine feelings for! He says that “Hmmm gotta keep my cards close to my chest” I think that it’s just insane, I’m the one that will be hurt here “I have to more than you do. I’ll get way more hurt than you will!” he says “You think I won’t get hurt?” I guess he’ll be hurt for a bit but “No. You’ve got your family. You’ve got your other life.” She’ll find out & he’ll forget me, making up lies to her about me to salvage his family – as much as I am playing over in my mind all the amazing things that could happen if he left her, realistically, he is never going to leave… What am I still doing with this guy? “You’re a part of my life now tho” OMG. That’s why! FUCK… I don’t think he knows what he’s saying but I stupidly lap it up “Awwww. I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. Ever.” I know what he’ll respond with, something about not meaning it “Errr. I mean. Whattt. Shhhh you.” I laugh at that, knowing that what he would say but then I get “I consider you a close friend & a lover. & yet it would hurt when I do lose you” FUCK… A lover?! Jesus… But did you pick up on the bit that stings?! ‘When I DO lose you’ FUCK. Meaning he is going to lose me no matter what… I’m such a fucking fool. One minute he says I’m part of his life, next he’s saying he’ll lose me! I am so confused… I mean I know he is & doesn’t think he is worthy of me, but fuck, I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year on a weekly basis… I mean if he doesn’t understand what I feel for him now, will he ever? Will I just be constantly reassuring him for the rest of my life if we get together?

This has also been around the time that Max has been messaging me, quite a lot actually, including joining groups to chat to me when I don’t reply to him. He has started calling me Angel as I have changed my profile picture to a snapchat filter, that I know that I look cute in but Noodle hates, so I put it up just to be annoying. But Max loves it calling me Angel or Muffin in the groups, so much so other people notice that he’s being a weirdo & a bit creepy with me. A few people say things to him, including Noodle that Max changes his name to Creepy Max. Noodle is so super jealous, I know he is, but he makes jokes out it. I have also kept to myself that Max is messaging me privately. I’m certain that Noodle would know that he has been messaging me but I haven’t told him per se.

So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love! I tell him that I bust out laughing & he says “Your doughnut needs my frosting on it. xxx” Fuck, Noodle just used my little kisses… So I send them back, smiling like an idiot as I snuggle down to sleep!

Things are sort of back to normal, just chatting normally every day while we can, we don’t talk much about feelings or anything like that, probably for the best. I am being cheeky on Saturday when I go to see him for lunch, I have just bought some g strings that have written on the back ‘Whore’ & ‘Slut’ I decide to wear the whore ones today for him & lift my skirt so he can see. I know that he won’t take them off my wanting to fuck me from behind to see my ass printed with whore. I used to find all things degrading like name calling or wearing something like this so bad & I used to hate stuff like this. But with this guy, I love it, I love how he reacts, I love how turned on we both get, it feels amazing when he calls me “his slut” or “his whore”, I don’t know if it’s just because he’s calling me “his” or because I know that he doesn’t call anyone else those things. I am his & he can do whatever he wants with me, to me, with me. I meet him at his work for lunch & I don’t tell him where we are going but I have plans to go to the hardware store & get him to buy cable ties, something we’ve also been talking about restraining me with. I am wearing a short dress & my whore g string, which I’d sent him a picture before I left my house so he knows what is under this cute summer dress. We’re walking around the hardware store & find the cable ties when he runs his hand up my leg to my ass… Fuck just that little gesture, makes me hot for him. I tell him we need to get out of here ASAP before the sight & feel of him makes me cum in the hardware store. He pays for the cable ties, which I find sexy too (I’m not sure why watching him at the checkout paying with his apple watch is hot, but maybe it’s the fact he’s buying something naughty for us to use.)

We drive to our usual Saturday spot & we get into the back seat & I first ride him till I cum & then climb off poking my ass in his face so he can actually see the whore g string. He squeezes my ass making that noise I love & he pushes me down to fuck me really hard, pulling my hair telling me that “You are my whore, cum for me” FUCK. As if on command, I cum really hard & I can’t stop even if I tried. I hear about these women, including his partner that stop themselves, well fuck, I don’t think I ever could. Especially with this guy, there is no way I could ever stop myself. & to be really honest with you, I wouldn’t even want to stop myself. I love cumming & I love cuming with him, he loves to watch me cum, feel me cum, so why wouldn’t I want to cum for him?

Noodle tells me that his son has found the spare iPhone that he uses to fake his location, in his car middle console (Why would Noodle keep it there?! Fuck he’s an idiot sometimes. He knows she goes through his car & gym bag.) His son asked what is was for & Noodle told his son that it’s a spare play phone for him to play with when they’re driving. His son gets excited about a play phone & I worry that his son will tell his mum about this phone in Noodle’s car. I think this is really risky, but Noodle doesn’t see it the same way as I do. However it’s around this time too that Noodle stops using the phone to fake his location because he had to name them something different & he asks me by sending me a screenshot if I notice that one has a capital letter for his first name & that the other had a small letter for his first name. I tell him that I notice that one phone is white & the other is black, which is what freaks him out more & he stops using it. Is this guy really worth the risk I’m taking?!

I tell Noodle about a fantasy of fucking in a car wash, I’ve told him this before to be honest & he’s always said he wants to do it. I had told Max about this fantasy but we never did it, when I suggested it, Max just sent me an emoji of a surprised face but then told me that he’d just washed his car. Well fuck, alright!

Noodle is super keen on the idea, we’ve been talking about it for a while & so this Tuesday night when I pick him up for work, we are planning to fuck in the carwash at the service station. I’m excited for even more daring sex, I mean the fact I’m fucking a partnered guy & could get caught any moment is hot as fuck of course, but the fact that we might get caught fucking in the carwash is super exciting. I skip the gym to be at his work early & the sun is still shining being early February, I wear a summer dress for easy access. I pick Noodle up & head to the local service station with a automatic car wash, we park & I go into buy a ticket, Noodle decides he’s hungry & orders Subway for his dinner. Standing next to him at subway, I feel awkward & we barely touch, but fuck I want to just reach out & grab him, cuddle him & have him do the same back. But I am self conscious about public displays of affection, one because someone from his work might walk in & two because I am just not confident sometimes that a guy wants me to touch them. & I don’t want to be all over them if they don’t want that… I need to get over myself to be honest because clearly he wouldn’t care at this point in our relationship, surely. But I am careful being that we are close to his work. But I feel the tension building as we stand so close, dribbling on about shit from the day to each other. His Subway takes forever, like I have never spent so long waiting for a fucking sandwich, even Noodle comments on how fucking slow they are. Is it just cos we’re so eager to fuck in the carwash or are they actual being slow? Hahaha.

We get his subway & I drive around to the carwash, where we have to wait for another car, Noodle scoffs his Subway while we’re waiting, which also seems like forever. There is a car behind us now too. This doesn’t seem to faze Noodle as we’re sitting there waiting, he tells me to suck his cock. I know I am here to fuck this guy in public but I feel conscious of sucking his cock in this twilight daylight until he takes it out & looks at me with a stern look telling me to suck it. So hot & sexy that I do. I don’t make him cum before the car in front of us finishes & as I sit up in the car, I notice a camera on us. Noodle again isn’t fazed but I am now worried that I’m not going to be able to go through with this.

I drive into the car wash & fucking hell, there is a glass wall on one side looking out to the small carpark & a fucking glass wall with the service station in it. It’s the back of the counter, there is no one there but I say to Noodle as the carwash starts, that I don’t think we should do this. He asks why & when I tell him why, he says just climb on my cock. I hesitate before he commands me to get out of the drivers seat & onto him in the passenger seat. I doubt with this much worry in my head, that I’ll be able to cum. Also surely the person behind us can see that I’ve just climbed across the seats. Isn’t this what you wanted though? To fuck in a carwash? However I never thought it would be as the sun was setting & with glass walls around me. However as I slide on Noodle’s cock, all of that disappears & I am riding him hard, popping my tits out of the top of my dress for him to suck my nipples. I am riding him longer than usual before he says “Cum for me” & as if on command, I do… How does he do that to me? A husky whisper in my ear & I do as I’m told… As the car wash finishes, Noodle hasn’t cum yet so we drive to another location & fuck again, until he cums all over me. I have to say that I reckon this is the hottest thing I have ever done, fuck in a carwash! So sexy, naughty & fun!!

#IBD4U

Max is back! I can almost hear the groans from you!

This will be a relatively short one today, for those who settle down with their morning coffee, it’s not one of those blogs today! Sorry.

Yep, He’s been in the groups again, not very successfully I must admit. He’s being creepy with me calling me weird things & then even changes his name on the chat app to Max Creepy. He messages “Good morning Sugar.” & all I write back is morning a few hours later then get nothing till the next day at about the same time “Good Morning precious.” Every message comes with an emoji too. The kissing cheek one or a flower – always an emoji of some sort. I mean this is confusing to me, not my feelings for Noodle but the fact that surely he knows from Sweetie & from me that I am seeing Noodle & he knows that I’ve told sweetie I have feelings for him. Surely he knows all that?

Noodle is in every group with me so he sees Max join the groups. They are both awkward with each other. Noodle is a complete ass to him all the time… I mean, considering that Noodle’s cock has been inside Max’s wife, it’s probably not a good idea to piss each other off. Maybe that’s what it is? Or is a pissing contest about me or her? I don’t tell Noodle that Max is private messaging me, but every day I get something from him. I don’t engage but he keeps trying.

Eventually one day, he messages me this “This probably sounds creepy. But I keep thinking about you being restrained and blindfolded, & running my fingertips down your cheek & all over your body, then slowly up your legs… Doing that over & over until you start to wriggle & moan” I will admit, that it made me kind of hot, but only because my thoughts were of  Noodle doing these things to me. Not Max.

I don’t write back to him at all, to be honest… The next morning “Busy tonight sexy girl?”  I ignore. I hate that I am ignoring but I don’t know why he doesn’t get the hint or have a conversation with Sweetie to find out there I’m at with Noodle.

The next day “Good Morning Petal” which I ignore too.

The next day “Good Morning Beautiful” to which I also ignore…I must accidentally click on the messages turning the D to an R & he knows I’ve read the bloody thing. He writes back again “How have you been? Is everything ok?”  I am not one to ignore, so I tell him that I’ve been good & that everything is fine. I am trying to be an nonchalant as I can but also disinterested so he backs off. He replies “Ok, ummm. In that case… are my messages unwelcome? If you prefer I leave you alone then I will.”  When I get that message, I feel bad to be honest, which is dumb after the way that he treated me only 8 or 9 months ago. I reply “Just don’t want to get involved with you again, you tell me one thing then do another… I’m happy with my situation & don’t want to jeopardise it.” He replies back “Ok, I’ll stop with the messages. I want to be friends still. Message me one day if you ever feel the same way.” Look to be honest, I was never really friends with him, he put in the effort, lots of effort, got what he wanted, got bored with it so then he changed the dynamic & pissed me off, which I think was justified on my part… Don’t just fuck me & call me your girlfriend if you really just want to be a slut like he said he does!

Max leaves the groups & I tell Noodle that he’d been messaging & I even send him a screenshot of the messages so he can see, because I know that Noodle wouldn’t believe me, I want to show him that I have nothing to hide. I have been cheeky with other people who’ve private messaged me, I will admit that, but I haven’t with Max. I want Noodle to know that. I want to prove that I am the loyal person that I thought I was & I know I deserve better than the snippet of time that I get with Max which is allowed to see me. I mean I see Noodle more than I saw Max & Max had permission to see me & a wife that really liked me, so the fact that I never saw him or that he stopped putting in effort, just left the path for Noodle to swoop in & be the guy who always writes back & sees me, no matter what it may cost him!

#IBD4U

Even though this week has been fucked for Noodle & I, he’s fought with his partner, he’s fought with me & we’ve been apart, unable to see each other. I haven’t enjoyed my weekend away with friends & family. I’ve been on my phone messaging him the whole time – I am excited to see him, even if it is only for a hug! But the thing that fucks me off the most about me having my phone in my hand all weekend, is that if he was away, I wouldn’t hear from him at all, it’s like I don’t exist. He puts down his phone & enjoys the weekend. I go away after fighting with him all week & I carry my phone around like my life depends on it, replying to him instantly! Again, foolish!

I think the only highlight this week was me buying a electric toothbrush, yeah I know what a fucking hoot! Noodle has laughed at me out too by saying that it’s about time I got up to 2018 & got an electric toothbrush. But I recall that he had a normal toothbrush when I saw a picture of his bathroom sink!

Oh yeah, this week has had the most amazing news for me too & I feel like I haven’t been able to even enjoy it or celebrate it. Late last year, I decided that I wanted to study law part time as well as work full time (I might be a fucking idiot!) However after applying for university for the first time in my life & actually applying for law school & I was accepted, in the first round! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK! But with all the shit going on with Noodle, I don’t get to tell him & I don’t even get to enjoy the fact that I had not only been accepted in to a university, but I was accepted to law school! OMG I am Elle Woods… Yet I don’t fucking tell anyone! I hate that the one person I want to tell, is having a crisis & I can’t tell him… I am a smart woman, but right now I feel like a fool & I feel so dumb. I don’t know what is wrong with me!

On the way home from the Riverland, I bring a friend home with me & for really the first time I confide in someone about the whole relationship with him. I have needed to talk to someone about it, especially this week & stuck in the car with her for a couple of hours, I can’t control myself, my words come out & I can’t stop myself. (She recently told me that when I was telling her about Noodle in the car, she was thinking what is #IBD4U doing with this guy but now that’s she reading the blog, she gets it! Thank you for telling me that!). But I am glad I talked to someone about it. I know every time I do talk to someone about it, I sound so defensive of him, I make excuses which I stupidly believe too.

I have river hair as the shack we stay at has river water in the shower, with my usually perfectly straightened hair or perfectly curled with a straightener, my hair is naturally curly today or aka a birds nest! I text noodle & ask if he wants to see me, which he jumps at the chance. Telling me his partner is at work, he’ll set his son up with his iPad & meet me in his driveway, for the hug we both need!

I pull into Noodles driveway & text him to tell him I am there, he comes out & gets in the front seat with me, we instantly hug. FUCK. I fucking feel like I might cry as the hug lingers… I never cry… As we pull apart we kiss on the lips, but hug again. Fuck I hate that we’ve had weird conversations this week, I have needed his arms around me, I want his touch, I’ve needed his touch. Not sexually, not that I would say no to sex with him but I fucking need his strong reassuring arms around me. Even though I know now, in no uncertain terms that, while he says I am worth risking his family for, I am not worth taking the risk to end it with his partner & trying to be with me. He is too scared of being alone, that I will never win in this situation with him.

We hug again, I really just need to feel him, however as we’re hugging, my hand slides between his legs & rubs him through his shorts. Next minute I have his cock out & in my mouth, sucking him till he cums in my mouth. I think this will be the end, but he slides his hands between my legs & under my bathers to finger me till I cum too… We talk a little about this week, we both apologise, I explain it’s the hormones from the morning after pill which he apologises for too & tells me that his brother’s wedding was really hard for him. We hug again before he has to go back inside. I feel better, but I also have in the back of my mind, that this is what we’ll always be… Me sneaking around for a split second of his time…Interestingly tomorrow, we have the whole day off together. Literally he’s told his partner he has to work all day when it’s really his RDO & I have arranged a 3sum for Noodle… I have said I will do this if he does 2 men with me, however he is so conscious of the size of his cock, that he pretty much won’t ever do that with me, I am almost certain of it. Sweetie is going to come over about 1:00 pm & I’m going to give Noodle the fantasy he’s always wanted. To be honest, because I’d arranged this weeks ago, is the only reason I am going through with it now, after the week we’ve had & how foolish I feel. I can’t believe that I am giving Noodle his number one sexual bucket list. Am I doing it because I think it will make him leave her?

Noodle says that he’ll be at work at 6:00 am & he’ll wait till his partner is at work at 9:00 am before he comes over to my house. I think that’s a wasted 3 hours & that if I’m awake I’ll go pick him up. Of course my body clock aka wet vagina, wakes me up at 5:30 am & I head to his work to pick him up so he can leave his phone in the car & we go back to my house. I haven’t gotten out of my pjs so I crawl back into bed when we get back to my place. We have sex multiple times, Noodle insistent on making me cum multiple times – not that this is a problem… I don’t realise at the time, but he is keeping count. Remember my record?! Hahaha.

When we get up & end up in the lounge room, I’m almost trying to get away from Noodle but he keeps making me cum, I get no rest. Eventually we just lay there & he massages me, rubbing me all over like his hands can’t stop touching me. About 9:00 am his says we should go get his car & his phone so we drive back to his work & pick up his car. When we get back to my house he makes me cum multiple times again, this guy isn’t going to give up!

Does anyone eat Halo Top ice-cream? (I’m not paid to sponsor them, but I could if anyone I know works for them!! Hahaha!) It’s a low calorie ice-cream which is about $10 a tub however it’s delicious & Noodle has been telling me about it, I’ve become obsessed & trying every flavour however I bought the almond flavoured one & it is fucking disgusting! It takes like gross marzipan & I can’t stand it. I’ve been telling Noodle about it for weeks & said he can try it & take the tub. However when I give him a spoonful he acts like I have given him poison & he races to the sink spitting it out telling me how ‘rank’ it is! I literally can’t stop laughing!

We decide that we will go out for lunch & we go to the Mexican restaurant that’s close to my house that’s just opened, it’s like a take away. We eat in there too, because I don’t want to just hang around my house. This is the closest thing I will ever get to a date with Noodle. I relish in this moment, I love the time we have together that is just about sex, while I want to fuck him all the time, I really love this time with him. Actually getting to know him… I tell Noodle that I will message Sweetie when we’re ready for her, we go home & he’s brought 2 drinks with him, I guess to calm the nerves. I’m sitting on the kitchen counter having a drink with him too when exactly 1:00 pm, Sweetie knocks on the door & says hello. Noodles face is priceless & he freaks out. I laugh & just say it’s Sweetie.

This is the first time Noodle has met a friend of mine, they know each other from the chat app of course, but no one has even seen Noodle & I together… I know how submissive she is with her husband in these situations & I know I get awkward too. I am 100% certain that Noodle will be weird & not be able to be his dominant self because he’ll be thinking he looks stupid, so I know that I will have to take charge here. I offer Sweetie a drink but she says no. We stand around talking until I make a move on Noodle & he lifts my skirt when I say I have a nice ass & they both agree. I kiss Noodle then I walk into my bedroom & take off my dress, undressing Noodle as he we go, I push him on the bed & turn back to Sweetie who’s taken off her clothes too. I kiss her, because I know that Noodle will want to see that & then I get out his cock & suck it. Sweetie follows suit & sucks his cock too, I’m looking at Noodle & seeing him enjoy it so much, I am surprised I am not jealous of this at all. I ride Noodle while kissing Sweetie, then I get a condom for them to use & Noodle fucks her. I am kissing Sweetie still & asking Noodle if he likes that being that both of them are being mute! They seem to enjoy the sex they have & then we move to Sweetie going down on me & Noodle forces his cock in my mouth, I cum again several times… We’re all laying around as we’re finished when there is a knock at the door & because I have left the screen door shut but the wooden door open, a woman’s voice says “hello” I think nothing much of it, but both Sweetie & Noodle freak out, Sweetie suggesting that it’s his partner & Noodle literally going white as a ghost. Freak out over, it’s the postie dropping off a parcel. Hahaha. I go back into my bedroom & laugh at the 2 of them freaking out about someone at the door.

Sweetie goes home afterwards & Noodle & I take it down a notch by having a bath together. Again I literally love having a bath with him. We talk about the fact that this day was probably a bit ambitious being that my clit can barely take anymore.

We’re sitting there talking, it’s still early he has about another hour but I get to the bottom of the fight Noodle had with his partner. She had said to him that he doesn’t look at her the same way or touch her the same way anymore. In fact she even accused him of having a girlfriend… He never told me that till bit later, because he said that I was being shitty & emotional. Well fuck, he was being emotional too… Something was in the air. I mean he’s told me before that I change when I’m away for work & I know I do, because I am starting to resent the fact that I am away from him, he has limited time to see so imagine me only having limited time too. I fucking hate that he could’ve seen me & I was away for work! I used to love my job, I don’t want to resent it because of a man. I tell him that I am not worth risking his family, but he says “It’s a hard choice but it’s worth risking. But I am biased, you just gave me a 3sum” I don’t think I understand the logic here, but I guess at this point, she isn’t going anywhere, if she genuinely thinks he has a girlfriend & she hasn’t left him, then clearly she is going to put a fight if he does try to leave her. He jumps up & leaves & I feel like he just ruined the whole day. He’s made my cum 39 times, beating my record by 11 (He’s super proud of himself by the way! Hahaha) & we’ve bathed, had a 3sum, a date & then he’s just made me feel like an idiot… His partner notices that he’s not into her the same way as he used too… Meaning if he’s not looking at her the same way, is he looking at me the way he used to look at her? I tell him I’m not shitty but he says that I’m being kinda distant. He says that he told me that because it’s a compliment that he doesn’t look at his partner the same way, but does he not get that hurts that she’s noticing it & yet he won’t leave her? I just say I’m tired & his partner will be home soon so I don’t want to go into it when he doesn’t have the time so he should just ignore it but he says he wants to know but not to go into it now, like a typical male!

#IBD4U

So things are a little weird between Noodle & I since we said we have feelings for each other, we went out of our way to say that we aren’t in love with each other so many times, that it makes me suspicious about our feelings. Like who says that many times “I’m not in love with you.” Seems like we’re hiding something…

I talk to Noodle about what I would want out of a relationship & how I think it would have to have some sort of openness to the relationship, especially since I have already done what I’ve did, I realise that I am not as loyal as I thought I was. I am not sure people can be completely monogamous, so not only would a guy probably want to cheat on me eventually, but apparently I would also want to do that to him too – maybe? I hope not, but I have done this to Noodle…

“If we were in a relationship for example, it would be open in some way right.. So just think of this an open relationship. Regardless what I do outside of us two, I still come home to you” I am hoping that Noodle understands what I mean here… I also tell him about what I’ve been thinking of lately about an open relationship “I was thinking about my open rules the other day on my drive & thought how hard it is to find someone to fuck a random. So I’d let him host his random fuck at our house as long as they only had sex in the spare bed, no where else in the house & she didn’t sleep over… This is while I’m away of course. Most couples say their own home is a no go zone. But I know how hard it is to find somewhere to host so, I’d let him use the spare room… But TBH I don’t think a guy is gonna wanna fuck anyone else with me for a while.” he agrees “Haha I tell you what I’m not really interested in anyone else, you take care of a mans needs very well!” While definitely would go through with this eventually with a partner if they wanted to, it’s also a bit of a test to see if they really would want to do it. I think if you give them the option for an open relationship, it’s takes the excitement of cheating out of it… (I may have something wrong with me, hahaha) But honestly it’s part of the hotness between Noodle & I that it’s naughty & exciting, the fear of being caught. If you take that out of it, would we be as hot? Would it be as exciting or self-destructive, maybe?

I decide to be honest with Noodle about a guy in the group that’s been hitting on me a lot lately, this isn’t new, we’ve chatted so many times when his partner is ok with it. I know that if I ever fucked this guy, it’s a complete deal breaker for Noodle – he’s told me that before. He won’t ever be ok with me fucking him, so I decide to be honest that I have been chatting to him. However, with this weirdness going on this week, me being away & not able to see him, I probably shouldn’t have, Noodle snaps “So should of fucked Destiny when you told me not too” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Fuck you” As I go to put my phone down because that is a low blow, I get “I backed off stupidly for you. Dumbass me.” I reply “Actual fuck you Noodle” Fuck I want to punch him in the face right now. “Clearly I can’t be honest with you like I thought I could… If you’re gonna say shit like that to me, best we just leave it here for a bit. I’ve got a meeting at 10 anyway. Talk to you later” I close down the app & I am seething! I have never been so angry in all my life! I know Noodle is a douche & says ridiculous things to me all the time to make me angry, but I have never not wanted to talk to him before. I can’t even be bothered trying to boost his ego right now. He can fuck off! WHAT A WANKER! My phone beeps likes crazy for several messages he sends to me, but I ignore them all. I focus on work & just try not to think about. But of course, I never stop thinking about it…

After work, I know he’s offline so I finally read his massages as I want to think about my reply to him before I say something I regret. He writes “Argh. I get jealous sometimes & I’m a dick. Sorry… It obviously hurt me you said yes & would of despite how I would but it’s ok. I can accept that. I’ll be nice from now on… You can be honest with me.” Is he serious? It’s almost like he only reads what he wants to read sometimes. I would’ve met this guy before Noodle & I were serious, but I didn’t. “I said I would’ve way back when but you said it’d absolutely piss you off so I never entertained the thought in my own mind after that…! I’d rather keep fucking you than have a one night stand with him…! I haven’t fucked anyone else in months because I only want you! So fuck you for saying that about Destiny.” If this is how he reacts to me chatting to the guy, imagine what he’d do if I actually met him? He writes back quicker than I expect him too being that he should be offline. “Haha you know it would fuck me off that it was in your mind in the first place. Even when I told you. It’s all good…” OMG if he says part of the deal, I am going to snap! “Just because I think it, doesn’t mean I’m going to go through with it…! I’m certain you still think about fucking other people while fucking 2 women already. It’s human nature… I don’t think we’re built to be monogamous! It’s just if we act on it. & I haven’t since I saw how upset you got with the Shark & Leblek debacle” He can’t deny that he’s never thought about fucking other people, I mean he wants a fucking 3sum with me, so of course we all think about fucking other people… “Hahaha, didn’t get upset over that. Just slightly jealous. & annoyed I had gone near you after you had gone near her STD riddled body. Always said you could fuck whoever you want… Just not Holden.” OMG. He did get upset over it & he never believed me that I never fucked them & I have had an STI check which came back clear – as I always do… & he knows this too… I told him I had a check. “& I haven’t!” I never went near Holden. “& You were fucking a few people while you know I had Destiny lined up & I backed away. Just for you! Think I’m pissed cos you would of regardless how I felt about it. I’m sorry. Having a dumb moment. Your way to good to be fucking me.” Yeah well he has that right – I am too good to be fucking him, now I wish I was in front of him to punch him in the face & I’m not a violent person! “I can’t change what I did. I have a history, a past. I’m only human, I don’t make the best decisions all the time. I never wanted to get attached to you, I usually fuck more than one person so I don’t catch feelings… But look how that turned out… Here I am in a fucking stupid situation, not fucking anyone else while you fuck someone else all the time..!” Fuck you Noodle, he can’t deny this! “Haha it’s not very often I can assure you. Sorry for being a douche” I think that gets him to see my side of this finally “Doesn’t matter… You still do…! But I thought about fucking someone else ages ago & you say really hurtful things to me! Although I guess that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever said to me, but that was below the belt!” I hope he realises how ridiculous he is sometimes “I don’t mean to say hurtful things” He may not mean too, but he does. “I know… & I don’t mean to say things that make you jealous… I don’t want to make you jealous. Thought that was quite clear being I’m not seeing anyone else.” His reply infuriates me even more “You should see other people.” Fuck off, I’m going to sleep!

It’s like we admit we have feelings, not of love, of course but then he has to be an asshole to me to prove it’s not love? Or what is it? I know it’s been a hard weekend for him with his brothers wedding, he’s told me that no one in his family likes who his brother is marrying & he said that the wedding was awkward & all about her family. Noodle & I are still a bit weird with each other too, I am realising that he is never going to leave his partner, just after some comments & some things they’re doing. But I need him to know “Just cos I’ll never ask you to leave your partner for me, doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it be like if you were single.” I almost don’t want him to reply, just ignore what I just said “Well that’s the hard part for me, I’ve considered leaving her for you. & doesn’t help when you tell me how amazing you’ll be.” Doesn’t he already know what I’d be like? He’s almost known me a year, I haven’t changed. I ask him if he prefers me being a bitch but he says no that he likes me being nice to him when I reply “I’m actually probably be a cunt to you… Telling you this shit though. I don’t want you to leave & you regret it. It’s why I’ll never ask. But don’t think I haven’t thought about it. Or want to explore it…” While I’ll never actually come out & ask him to leave, I hope that this is enough for him to know that I am interested enough that if he does leave, I want him. “You are in some very very dangerous territory with a married guy miss #IBD4U.” I tell him that I am very aware of this, but I figure that I need him to know that even though I’ll never ask, it’s what I want, I want him to leave her… He tells me “Your meant to just use me for sex” with an emoji tongue sticking out, I reply “You’re meant to just use me for sex… Look how well that turned out” Noodle tries to change the subject “Used you just for sex yesterday. Snuck in, fucked the shit out of you & left” but what he forgets is, what he does at the end “You still gave me a passionate kiss goodbye… That’s not being used…!” I got him there “Ahhh Dammit! Shhh You!” Hahaha, told ya! “Yeah it’s not one sided here!” Even though he won’t admit it. “You passionately kissed me back” yeah I did. “Never said I didn’t…!” I then ask him if he’d rather I didn’t tell him this stuff, I don’t want to confuse him but he says “No tell me whatever you want. I don’t mind it” I know that it confuses him but I also know how his mind works & that he needs this type of reminder from me, about how in this I am! “I just don’t want to confuse you… You have to make a decision for you. If you leave her, you have to leave her regardless of what may or may not happen with me…” I mean if we’re not sneaking around, would we be this hot? “There’s a chance nothing will happen with you, who knows. You could hate being around me more than 4 hours haha. Can’t count on that can I?” I can’t believe how scared of being alone he is, which is why I know he’ll never take the risk on me. FUCK! Mother fucker… I am so stupid! “Yeah exactly. I mean I doubt it though, since I get grumpy when you don’t fuck me or when you don’t talk to me” Shit… I am just a fucking mistress… I will never be more… His feelings for me are just because he doesn’t want to be alone… “Hahah, Awww do you? Someone really likes me” I tell him to shut up.

We are both still in this weird mood. I have extra hormones running through my body which have in the past made me nuts, remember the Origin debacle…. I know I am acting crazy & I can’t help it. I am hating having these conversations as they are making me feel shit about our future, a future I have built up in my head, a future of us together… But he has dashed all those hopes in a single sentence… ‘Can’t count on that, can I?’ FUCK! I am gutted… Seriously gutted! I feel like such a fool… I think feeling foolish is the worst feeling in the world… I am so dumb.

He finally tells me why he’s in a weird mood, he’s had a massive fight with his partner & instead of calling her his wife to me, which he ALWAYS does (even though I hate it as they’re not actually married), he has been calling her his partner. He doesn’t really tell me what it was about but it makes me think this is going to be over & he’ll be with me. He even slept on the couch. This is a side I’ve never seen of him before, he says that he actually wants to see me & wishes I was in Adelaide, when I tell him that I‘d come & give him a hug if I could. His response surprises me, since neither of us are hugging type people “Yeah I need one” WHAT? Does he really? I feel like my heart breaks a little… He tries to lighten the mood by saying that he thinks I want a hug for myself too “Well I will say, the hug is not completely for selfless reasons!” I tell him I’ll be back in Adelaide on Sunday & I could come see him, but he says he’ll be at home, I say that sucks but he says that his wife will be at work, so could sneak one in the driveway. Noodle is calling her his wife again, which kills me a little… Clearly they sorted out their shit… I am gutted all over again! A small glimmer of hope, for just a spilt second!

#IBD4U

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Noodle finally believes me that I had keys cut for him but he continues “I put myself down & refuse to think I’m good enough to deserve all this, especially since I’m not the first guy, I don’t think I’m as good looking as I act & I have no confidence with my body or cock.” This I already know, I mean I constantly have to reassure him about his cock, but it surprises me that he doesn’t think he’s as good looking as he acts because, my god, this guy can be arrogant sometimes! “Well regardless if you deserve it or not, you’ve got it. I do think you deserve it though. Or I wouldn’t do it with you.” I’ve told him before that I don’t just do kinky stuff with just anyone, guys have to earn that from me “Haha Yeah I know you withhold all the goodies from guys unless they deserve it. I know you don’t let anal happen straight away for example. Even tho you do enjoy a good ass fucking from time to time. So if I a guy asked to fuck you in the ass, cum on your tits first fuck, what would you say?” He knows the answer to this already, he doesn’t need to ask me. “I’d say no way douche.” There is no way I’ll allow a guy I don’t know or trust do anything kinky, I mean I am still a good fuck, first time, but they need to earn the tit or ass fucking. “Haha, Mind you, you were asking me to fuck you in the ass by like the 4^th time… & to cum anywhere I want by like the 2^nd or 3^rd time hehe” Yeah I did that… He knows why, “I wasn’t sure how long we’d have, never thought we’d be fucking almost a year so wanted to give you the things you hadn’t had or don’t get to do with your partner” I never thought we’d get through a few weeks being that he’s tracked so closely. “You give me so much more, fuck sex with you is good. I know I can do whatever I want to you. & You’ll love it & let me do it. Your body is mine” Fuck… Oh My Fucking God… He’s right… It is… My body is his!A few days after Noodle’s birthday, we don’t see each other Tuesday night being he is on holidays, however I have Thursday off so we arrange to meet at my house after he drops his son at child care. Noodle has asked me before to wear this white dress that I had for my nieces christening, it’s sort of a white lace overlay dress that is really short & shows off my hour glass shape & when I had the picture as my profile picture, every single guy messaged me to ask me to fuck them in it, including Noodle! Hahaha. I decide that I will wear this dress for him today. I am up early, trying to work out if I will wear white sexy lingerie I just bought under it or nothing. I spend ages getting into the lingerie, then put on the dress. But I wonder if it’s too much, as in too many things all at once, that I take off the lingerie & decide to meet him bra & pantie less. Ironically I almost didn’t buy this dress because I didn’t really like it on the rack but the lady made me try it on then it was perfect. I’ve asked Noodle why he likes it so much & he tells me it’s sexy because it’s white & hugs my hour glass figure. He doesn’t know that I am going to be wearing this dress when he rocks up today either, I get some high heels & place them by the door as I race around to get ready. When he walks in the door without knocking, I am standing there in the lounge room & that look, fuck I love that look when he sees me! I feel like that is part of the reason I am still in this mess, that look is fucking amazing. It makes me feel so fucking good that I can’t ever stop fucking this guy! I must admit, I do look hot AF, I have done my hair & make up, wearing fancy jewellery, I feel good & the reaction is exactly what I wanted & pictured. He kisses me instantly, running his hand quickly up my leg to my bare ass which he squeezes & moans!

Noodle leans me back on the couch & edges me, like he’s never done before. I mean he’s edged me of course, but today he somehow gets me right to that point of no return then stops. He’s also videoing a lot & I am swearing at him calling him a prick. He chuckles, which he knows I hate but also find super sexy. He then ties my hands behind my back & continues. I beg him like a maniac to make me cum, I tell him that I want to cum for him, that I can cum multiple times & he says that he will let me cum, but he wants me to cum hard. FUCK. He makes me suck his cock while he videos & he also rubs my clit again getting me to the edge before he stops. I cry out “FUCK YOU” & again he chuckles to which I tell him that he is not funny. But he says that the thinks he is. Asshole! I am begging even more, which I know turns him on, fuck everything I say if it’s an insult or a complaint or when I am being sweet trying to get him to make me cum, turns him on. There is nothing I can say that will get him to make me cum. When he finally does, he’s fucking me hard, with my hands tied behind my back. I am cumming so loudly & hard that I can’t even stop it if I tried. He makes this noise, as if he can feel me cumming on his cock while it’s inside me.

Next Noodle gets me to sit up, still my hands tied behind my back & he has his cock in one hand & the phone in the other. He tells me to open my mouth & I know what he is about to do. He wants to cum in my mouth & video it. We’ve talked about this before. I am excited for this, I want to see this from his perspective too, so I am looking forward to watching it. He videos while jerking himself & then he cums hard in my mouth. I swallow like the good girl I know he wants me to be & lick my lips as he finishes. Leaning forward to take his cock fully in my mouth once he’s done, I know he’s really sensitive so he tries to pull away so I suck really hard as he pulls his cock out of my mouth, to which he makes the noise I love.

We fuck a couple of times that morning, eventually getting naked, which is fucking hot a always but later when I send him the videos he says “So glad I videoed that” With 6 heart eye emojis. “Fuck you’re awesome #IBD4U. Thanks for being a dirty little slutty mistress to me. That shit is so fucking hot!” I tell him that I just watched it at work with headphones on & now I’m turned on. He says “You are a good little slut” & I send back my signature “xxx” & to my surprise I get the same back with 3 kissing cheek emojis. I am shocked by this reply & says “I think you mean it this time?!” & He says “I do” with another kissing cheek emoji! FUCK…

As you all know I struggle with self-esteem & while I used to be really big, over 100kgs, I have had a steady weight for a while, hovering around a size 10 to 12 from a size 18- 20, so I have worked hard & finally feel good about myself, but it’s still quite high weight (number) in my eyes, however because I work out I do have a lot of muscle – which everyone tells me weighs more than fat. I mean I still have a lot of fat but I’m toned. One night feeling shit about myself telling Noodle about my recent weigh in he says “You have a sexy toned ass, sexy ass hour glass body & great set of tits for your age. You are incredibly beautiful woman despite slightly heavy on the scales. Your mid 30s too, your weight is probably average. I couldn’t fuck a fat obese chick” WHAT. “For my age… Could’ve left that out!” He laughs but I know that he’s trying to be nice to me but he struggles with giving compliments, just as much as I struggle accepting them. But he just call me beautiful?!

I go away to Port Lincoln, it sucks big time because I know that Noodle is off work this week, but there is nothing I can do I have to go which means I can’t see him. I have while I’ve been away been taking the sugar pills of my contraceptives to get my period while away since I always skip it. I figure that I should have it one in a while & I’m not seeing him for a week so it’s perfect timing. But when it doesn’t come, I start taking the pill again to stop it from coming. I know Noodle is queasy about blood. I am driving the whole way home on Friday morning. I suggest to Noodle that I get up really early, like 5:00 am & drive home so that I am home to see him in the afternoon. He tells me that he’ll go get his haircut & meet me at my house.

I get up really early, putting on some sexy lingerie & take a photo telling him I’m on my way home. A few hours into the drive, Noodle finally wakes up & messages me good morning. He tells me that he’s going to do a few things then will go straight to my house. He’ll be there when I get home, I love this idea. I mean he’s going to be there, I can walk in & say “Honey I’m home” & kiss him hello. After driving 7.5 hours almost without stopping, except for a toilet break, I am home. I walk into him freaking out about crumbs on the table & trying to clean it up. We fuck a few times, which is always hot, ending up on the couch. At one point, Noodle pushes me up against the wall face first & with one of his legs between my legs he plays with my nipples until I cum… I know it’s something he’s wanted to try but we haven’t had the time, it takes a while usually, however with Noodle, I cum almost on his command! Because this weekend is his brothers wedding, he tells me that his partner won’t see him naked & I because I’ve wanted to spank his ass, he lets me. I like switching sometimes & being the dominant one. He says it doesn’t hurt that much but it doesn’t turn him on like it does me. I take a picture of his ass which is red with prints from the paddle I use. He says he kind of likes that, but later he tells me that his ass didn’t bruise like mine, well no one bruises like me! Hahaha.

I don’t see Noodle for another week. I am again away for work & then staying in the Riverland at a friend’s shack for January long weekend. I have actually been a bit worried about the fact we don’t use condoms & the fact that I messed with my pill last week, that when I get there I go to a pharmacy for the morning after pill. I tell Noodle this is what I’m doing & he asks me why & says that he wouldn’t have cum inside me if he knew, but I explain it’s just a precaution. It’s probably ok, but I am not taking any chances. However I am scared about how mental it makes me, so I warn him!

I am also excited to be taking my kayaks up to the river to go in the water & it kind of spikes something in me & I tell Noodle that I would love to go kayaking with him, but he says that he’d be really uncoordinated. I reckon he’d be feeling pretty stupid but I think he’d do a good job, he’s worried that he’d fall out, but no one has fallen out with me yet & I have life jackets. I just never know how Noodle would explain going kayaking to his partner. “I meant what I said today, you know about the kayaking & stuff… I do always want to invite you just don’t know how you’d explain it… Or to the group drinks… I so want you there” He takes a little while to respond “You did?” I’m confused “Did what?” when he replies mean it, that I want to take him kayaking, I tell him yes I truly did mean it. “Hmm, maybe I believe you” FINALLY! “I probably like you more than I should for the other woman. But you’ve become a really good friend & I like to hang out with my friends… I don’t get to do that with you” It actually makes me sad that I don’t get to do this stuff with him. “Oh thank god I’m not the only idiot that thinks you’re a good friend” That makes me smile like an idiot! I say I’m a loser & he says sucker, then we say goodnight. I am glad to have some clarity from him about his feelings for me.

But this week away is weird, he starts telling me “Your awesome #IBD4U , don’t forget it. Don’t let me hold you back either. As long as you do what you want” I tell him that I do do what I want, but he is in a mood… but I still tell him that “I want to fuck you more but I also want more than being the other woman” Fuck, why did I hit send on that, I’m away for work, he’s being a little weird because of his brother’s wedding this weekend & I can’t see him. “Wait, are you getting feelings for me?” Ironically Sweetie had just asked me the same question & while I believe the response I gave her, I also know it wasn’t entirely true. He asks me what I told her “I said that I’m not in love with you but I guess I could be if things were different. I mean I’ll definitely miss you if we stop talking or seeing each other that’s also cos I do value your friendship.” He replies “I wouldn’t say I’m in love with you either but I do have feelings for you & yeh do miss talking to you” Are we really just lying to each other? Because we keep saying the same thing over & over “Same… How can we not have some sort of feelings…? We have such chemistry. But is it love? I don’t think so… Could it be if things were different, yeah probably” then he says “Love is a strong word.” I agree & say that I don’t want to stop seeing him or talking to him. “Yeah I’m the same. & I do care about you & think of you often. & get super shitty when I’m not able to talk to you as much as I was hoping” Fuck, he’s told me this before, but it’s hard for me to believe that he gets angry when he can’t talk to me. “You are so worth it & deserve a partner that loves you. You have no idea how fucking amazing you are tho. & a fucking sexy little bitch sometimes too. Don’t forget that.”  I tell him that my biggest fear is never being loved, he knows this, I’ve shared this with him before, I am petrified that I will die without having been in love. Honestly even writing that makes my eyes water, I fucking hate that I might actually die one day & never having felt the feeling of loving someone & being loved in return. He tells me that I would make a good wife “What the fuck did I do to you? You promised me you’d never get feelings! Loser” I laugh & know that I did say that to him “Well I didn’t think I’d still be seeing you a year later… & you said you’d never get feelings for me either!”

#IBD4U

T-bone was around on the chat app from the very beginning. I actually always thought he was a chick because of his profile pic was of a pair of sunnies – everyone thought this, I never ever saw pictures of him. Everyone was always excited about him but he is so young that he doesn’t interest me – I am into Noodle from the very start of being in the chat groups. When I first saw a pic of T-bone, I see how skinny & lanky he is that I definitely am not interested & thought he’d never be interested in me anyway – being I’m a normal human sized chick, according to Noodle a perfect Marilyn Monroe body (I wish!). T-bone & I chat a little – never in private message, it is always in the group & we have good banter but there is nothing there for me. I have Noodle to occupy my time! I didn’t need this boy.

T-bone disappeared for ages, like months on the chat app! He is still in all the groups but no one knows what happened to him. I didn’t think much of it because people come & go so quickly, especially married guys when their partner finds out about them being on there (I’m waiting for the day Noodle ghosts me when she finds out!). But T-bone reappeared in a group & started chatting to me a lot. We finally start chatting in PM too. I don’t think much of it when he gets flirty, I was flirty back but was clear that I was seeing someone, he was also clear that he was seeing someone too, so I am not sure why he is back online. Why did I tell him I was seeing someone? I mean I can see other people, aren’t I still single? What the hell does that mean? Why would I say that…?! Everyone on the chat app are already suspicious of Noodle & I, why would I tell him that I am seeing someone.

One of the groups is planning a ‘meet up’ it is a group that I own so I am part of the planning. I had tried to get Noodle to attend this event. I even thought Noodle could drive into the city, he didn’t have to drink heaps. But he said he couldn’t come & he blamed work the next day, however, I’m pretty sure that he was worried about what his partner would say & also I’m not 100% sure how Noodle would go in a social situation anyway.

I’d been telling Noodle about this event, of course desperate for him to come along & had developed an alibi for him, but he refused to use it… He’d worked at so many stores recently, he could pretend he made friends with someone & that there were drinks in the city for someones birthday. Not entirely a lie… I really wanted Noodle there, I was dying for him to come out with me at some point, I know he wanted too, but he was cautious of using any alibi.

I was supposed to meet the other admin at the pub first then everyone was going to meet us later. But she bailed when I was already in the city, I had nothing to do but wait, so I go to the pub & start drinking. I end up becoming really good friends with one of the chicks from the group, the one that rocked up first. Everyone rocks up & we drink some more. We have the most annoying dude there talking about how many strippers he knows & that he could get us into club x. So somehow we end up there, I am so drunk when we walk in but apparently there are cheap shots. Yeah what a good idea!So, I’m also messaging T-bone, stupidly but as I’m standing at the bar, T-bone messages & says he’s also there, he comes in, he looks straight at me & walks over to me, not saying hello to anyone else, even though he probably knows them too. He buys some shooters to catch up which he gives me some. I am not good with shots & am drunk anyway, but I have a few at the strip club.

The annoying guy asks us all to put in money for a stripper to do a group thing, I say no, I’m not bi, I’m not even sure why I am here to be honest, most of the other chicks are bi so they are happy to put in but I say no. Not really sure what happens because we don’t get a table dance & we leave for the Woolshed (A night club in Adelaide that has been around forever however used to be really shit when I was younger but has turned into a cool place to go despite the decor never having changed in the 20 years it’s been open!)

At the Woolshed, I have a few more drinks, as if I need them! Why are people letting me drink!? Why aren’t I more restrained?! Jesus… This is not going to end well… What is wrong with me… I apparently punch the annoying guy in the nuts (WTF??) which everyone thinks was on purpose, but I am not a violent person & I don’t remember it, so who the hell knows what happened. I don’t think I would’ve just done it on purpose, someone said I was just swinging my arms around but who the fuck knows what happened!

Next minute, T-Bone is holding me up while I stumble around like a drunken teenager. Jesus… I’m not sure how it happens, if I kiss him or if he kisses me, but we kiss. For a while. I don’t think about what I am doing, how upset Noodle will be because he is so jealous of T-Bone because according to Noodle all the girls cream themselves over him. Noodle never believed me that I wasn’t into him & I’m not, I mean, he’s cute, but he’s like 10 years younger & super skinny. I like a man, plus this guy also has a girlfriend… Or so he says…

It’s time to go home, I briefly get a moment of clarity before I ask him to go home with me… Thank god I don’t ask him that! I mean, I can barely stand up. He & Sweetie (Max’s wife) get me in to the taxi. Luckily we drop him home, I kiss him goodbye & as the car takes off, I need to spew. I’m leaning out the door, Poor Sweetie gets an eye full of my ass hanging out the door as I chuck.

I wake up feeling like shit, not only in because I have drunk my weight in alcohol, but because I kissed another man…

I chat to T-Bone constantly the next day & for a few days later, but then he disappears again. Another chick said she was still chatting to him on snapchat, but I just try to wipe that from my memory. At least one thing I realised from that was how much I like Noodle, how much I didn’t want to hurt him, even though I am allowed to see other people. I really don’t want too.

I never told Noodle I was even chatting to T-Bone, let alone that I kiss him because I knew that he would be so jealous. I don’t feel guilty for doing it, I’m single, I can do whatever I want but I do feel guilty for not telling him. I’m always so scared someone is going to say something in the groups that they saw me kissing him, but no one ever did. Yet!? Phew!

#IBD4U

I try on the sexy nurse outfit & it does actually fit me, but I feel fat in it… (Yep, major self esteem issues, I know!) But I know Noodle won’t care or see the imperfections that I see, he’ll just see his sexy mistress in the costume he bought her & will love it so I need to just be confident when I wear it for him… Apparently I’m sexier when I am confident. However I am faking it most of the time until I see his eyes pop out of his head like Roger Rabbit! I decide to buy a red stethoscope & some white fishnet tights with some really high red heels to top off the sexy nurse look. I buy everything online so pretty much this gift probably ended up costing me more money than him. Hahaha, but at least I will have a whole cute outfit & I can do the sexy nurse thing for him at some point. It’s a bit exciting for me, I’ve never done anything like that before. I know that he thinks I’m this sexually advanced person & I’ve done everything, but there are things I haven’t done before, mainly because I haven’t had a lasting thing before & I refuse to do something this sexy for a douche dude who turns out to be a one night stand.

In my holidays, it’s the same time that my gym closes down for 2 weeks being it’s a small independent gym with only one instructor. I decide that I will join Noodles gym & then we can maybe gym together but also when I travel for work, I can use the regional gyms too, since I do no exercise while I’m away for work usually. It might be insane, but now I have 2 gym memberships & one is pretty much so I can see Noodle. I do want to work out with him. I did always imagine him coming with me to my gym & working out together. However, I know he’ll never come there.

It’s New Year’s Eve. Soon it will be 2018 (Yes I am behind still… Trying to catch up!). This means it’s been about 8 months since we started seeing each other weekly… I really want to see Noodle tonight, this is basically the longest relationship I’ve ever had besides Boyfriend. But of course seeing Noodle tonight would be seemingly impossible, until he tells me that he is staying in with a cheese platter & then will probably just go to the gym & my ears prick up. I am having a relatively quiet one at my sisters with a few friends & my parents. It’s also about 15 minutes closer to his house & therefore also closer to his gym, if he goes to the gym, he could actually come see me for a quick fuck in the backstreets near my sisters house & we could celebrate the new year a little together… I talk to my sister to get a cover story for why I might disappear for a little bit. I have to explain to her why, she’s not entirely happy but she knows the whole story anyway & says that she will cover for me. I am excited, not drinking a lot, thinking I may have to drive somewhere with him, waiting for Noodle to come back online to tell me he’s going to the gym, but my excitement is short lived, he never comes back online to say he’s gone to the gym. But at 1 minute past midnight he messages me Happy New Year & I reply quickly with a little xxx at the end. My signature xoxo is just 3 x. I wish like hell that I was with Noodle this night, kissing him into the new year… FUCK.

Noodle tells me that I’m too distracting since we were up until almost 2:00 am chatting online “We somehow chat for hours” I tell him that we can stop but he tells me that he’d just ghost me if he wanted to stop. “You ghost me & I’ll rock up at your house & ask where you are… Oh no I won’t cos I’m not a fucking skitzo” he knows me too tell “Hahaha, No you wouldn’t. But fuck I must trust you. I never thought I’d ever cheat in my own house, kinda hot to know that I have.” I still can’t believe that we did that… I mean I was worried I wouldn’t be able to cum because I was too scared she would come home, I didn’t think I would be able to let go & cum, but obviously I did…

Later in the week I am watching porn, I watch porn sporadically, I don’t watch it all the time but this time I am watching a specific type of porn for research purposes & I curse myself when I tell Noodle that I am watching porn because he asks what type, to send him the link so he can watch too but I refuse to tell him “So tell meeeee” I can picture him actually saying that to me, I tell him that it’s embarrassing but he says “We have an open & honest sexual friendship” the word friendship hits me like a ton of bricks… I try not to dwell on it, I guess that we do have a friendship, he has become a best friend, but what else would you call this I guess but I am sad he didn’t say relationship. I tell him that I am watching 3sums & he says that he’s not surprised.

Noodle isn’t ever online during the day when they’re at home together, so when I get a message at 5:30 pm one evening saying “How’s ya day been sexy mistress” I think what the fuck? “Not too bad… Why are you online naughty Sir. Can’t keep away from me?” I know he will deny this, but clearly he can’t. “You know I always have trouble staying away from you” & I smile because this response surprise me. “Awwww. Cute Noo Noo” but he makes me laugh by saying “Pfft. Only cos I wanna fuck you all the time!”

Noodle also finally admits to me “When you posted a photobomb I did everything in my power to see it” Which just makes me smile more! Fuck this guy… I ask him if he wants me to turn him on & he says “Well you turn me on 1000000000000000000000000000000 times a day!” with a winky smiley face. So I go bend over the washing machine in just my panties, taking a picture for him & ask him if this is how he wants me. He replies “OMG #IBD4U. Fuck you.” Almost instantly, I get a picture of his hard cock in stripped underwear. I smile at them, thinking that I have only ever seen him in black boxers, so I wonder if he is like me & is always putting on nice underwear before seeing me? He actually tells me not to look at his stripped underwear too! This makes me smile more!

I remind Noodle that he is always the one that kisses me goodbye when we leave each other, especially when I see him in my car “You confused girl” I laugh, I know I am not “You lean in as you get out the car” he replies “Err, I might fuck you like a whore but don’t want to just get up leave you like a whore. Figure I should be kinda nice to you when I leave” He can be very sweet sometimes, I tell him this so he replies “I mean fuck. Ignore that” & I laugh out loud. I knew he would say that! I also find out around this time that Noodle has a Fetlife account. Fetlife is basically a kinky Facebook – for those who don’t know, it has kink events & its a great place to network with other kinky people. I’ve been on there a while but don’t use it a lot since there is no app for it, you have to log into the web page all the time. Ages ago a lot of us in the chat group exchanged details & those that weren’t on it made an account & we all became friends. When I find out that he’s had an account for over 2 years but hasn’t done anything on it at all, nor does he have any friends, I stalk him… Well not stalk – that’s a harsh word hahaha, lightly investigate his account & find him easily. A lot easier than I thought I would but I used his chat app user name & bingo. I refuse to add him or tell him that I found him on there but I tell him to add me, which to my surprise he does. He asks me why I want to be friends with him on there & it’s because it’s basically the only social media that she isn’t on that he can be friends with me. Cheeky kinky friends & she’ll never know… I also think that in case the chat app dies or we lose contact, somehow, this is another way for us to chat to each other! I know this is dumb, but I am secretly loving this new connection with him… He once wanted to add me on Spotify but you have to connect to your Facebook which would mean she would see me. She apparently goes through his friends regularly & questions who people are when he adds new people… Like really? Who wants to live like that? I think about trying to find him on Facebook all the time, but I never do. I’d rather not know anything besides what he tells me. Finding him on Fetlife is the first time I’ve ever tried to find him or any guy I’ve ever been with.

However it’s about this time that I finally find out Noodle’s last name as we do also talk about Facebook. He tells me that he’s looked me up & I say that I haven’t even looked him up which is true. He challenges me because he thinks I won’t be able to find him, but I find him within a few minutes & that’s how I find out his last name & I send him a screenshot of his profile. Most of his profile is private, just like mine, which he tells me annoys him. But like I say to him, my Facebook won’t really give him any information that I wouldn’t tell him if he asked anyway. I do tell him to add me on Facebook & just tell his partner that I am someone from one of the other stores or a sales rep (Which is what I always tell people that I am) but he doesn’t. Probably for the best to be honest. However I think I am at a point where it’s about time she found out. I do think a lot about going to her work & confronting her or leaving a note on her car, going to their house when I know he’s at work, leaving a letter in her letterbox or talking to her. Of course, I am never going to do this, I sometimes wish I was that nuts & could do that, however if I did any of that, I would lose him regardless. I wonder sometimes though, if I was a little bit more nuts or needy or less independent, would I have a boyfriend? A proper bona fide boyfriend? Or was this always my destiny regardless? Leading me here so I could be a real life Carrie Bradshaw? Hahaha.

I guess I do get a little needy & need reassurance from Noodle, about as much as he needs it from me sometimes. I tell him he shouldn’t just be having an affair with one woman, that he should be fucking other people, mainly because I can’t end this & hope that he will because this is the most fucked up situation I’ve ever been in. Don’t at all think because I am writing this blog, that I am proud of this situation! But also because of how under the thumb he is too, it would be much harder for her to find one night stands, but it’s going to be easy to find me. What is worse, by the way? Fucking a few random women once or twice then never seeing her again or fucking the same women every week for months? I definitely think the latter, especially now I am developing some sort of feelings for this guy. But he tells me “When the chick I fuck gives me the hottest sex? Makes me hard all day? Is basically a porno star & dirty bitch that lets me do anything I want? That’s pretty much a walking fantasy? Why would I want to fuck others? Most women are all talk on here…” Well I must say I have to agree with him, I have ended up in this position because of how well he fucks me, how much effort he puts in with me, no other man has ever made me feel this way, that I have given up everything else to pursue this, no matter what it is.

#IBD4U

I am not sure how Noodle & I keep getting hotter. I know it’s not been that long that we’ve been fucking but surely we will start repeating moves soon & start being boring? Honestly that’s my biggest fear, being boring sexually. I have talked to a lot of married or partnered men over the years & heard all the stories from them about how I wouldn’t understand or that it’s complicated or that she doesn’t want to fuck them anymore. Well, I think that if they put in as much effort as they do trying to get me to fuck them into their wife, then she might actually fuck them. Like dude if you messaged her telling her she is sexy or you miss her or even just cook dinner or bring her flowers for no reason, then she might actually want to fuck you? Maybe she won’t but my point is they need to put in the same effort with their partner as they do trolling online for a random fuck.

Noodle & I talk about a 3sum, it’s one thing he really wants (what a fucking surprise, right?!) but I want to organise this for him so I think about the only woman that I would potentially do this & one I know that wants to fuck Noodle but wouldn’t steal him from me (OMG!) I suggest Sweetie (Max’s wife) to him. I say that she probably would do it as she’s bi & has shown interest in me before & she’s also asked me if Noodle would fuck her. I feel comfortable with her as I’ve had a 3sum with her before with her husband obviously. But also because I am not threatened by her looks – she’s cute, but I know Noodle is into me. I know Noodle has tried to chat with her in the past but said he felt it didn’t flow that well, so I knew that he probably wouldn’t chat to her outside of the 3sum. I tell Noodle that she would do it if I asked her & that it wouldn’t be that hard to work out logistically. “Well I wouldn’t say no. Just thought it might be weird considering you’ve done it with her own husband. & you were basically seeing him once upon a time. & she really likes you too.” I tell him that I am not worried about the 3sum as much but more about what will happen afterwards, like will he realise he likes her better? I have only ever been the guest star, this time I will be the part of the couple & Sweetie will be the guest star. I don’t think Noodle is even listening to me anymore since I mentioned it “Love the idea of fucking 2 women. It’s like the top of my sexual bucket list. Haha.” I tell him that I’ll float the idea with her & let him know what she says. “You do like pleasing me sexually don’t you?” I tell him yes but I add “Better kiss me more asshole or I’ll cut your cock off” & I send a poking tongue out emoji to back it up, he says “I’m keen. You are hotter than her, You know you’ll be my favourite.” Hehehe, he knows just want to say & sends the kissing cheek emoji. I tell him that I’ll screenshot that & send him the heart eye emoji. He says that he doesn’t know what he does to make women want to fuck him, because I remind him that Sweetie did ask me a while ago if I knew if Noodle would fuck her, but I asked her not to pursue him because I wanted him. Ironically I was fucking her husband, so I’m surprised she respected that to be honest. I tell him “Eh you’re good looking, honest & active in the groups, flirty… & if they knew how well you fuck me, why wouldn’t they want to fuck you?” I don’t want him to start thinking about other women to be honest. I mean right now he’s barely got time to see me, imagine if he had other women in the mix? Would I be in this mess? Also reminds me that I should be fucking other men, but for some fucked up reason, I am not & he is not fucking anyone else.

So Noodle comes to see me at my house a few days later, on our regular Tuesday, our visits are a lot quicker with the longer commute he has than I would like, we need to start thinking about what we can do to extend the time we have together. It’s only a week before Christmas so his work is really busy, work for me is finally calm & I’m about to go on Christmas shut down leave. This is the first job I’ve ever had that has Christmas shut down leave so I am excited to take it. Last year I worked doing the skeleton crew but this year I’m taking it off. I mean partly because I need time off but partly because I want to see Noodle more. I will need to make some effort to see him at his work. When he gets to my house, I am in underwear, nothing sexy just my usual lace panties & plain bra & he’s pushing me backwards against the wall when we hit with a thud, kissing with abandon. He fingers me till I’m cumming against his hand barely, able to stand, before he starts moving me to walk backwards while kissing him down the hallway. Halfway down, is my toilet, Noodle turns me to spin us around & he walks backwards in there, putting the lid down & sitting down, OMG. We’re going to fuck in this room too, I straddle his lap & fuck him, bouncing up & down on his cock. He said before that he doesn’t cum when I ride him so once I’ve cum, he stands us up & takes me to the bedroom to fuck me. I cum again (what a surprise) & he cums too before he has to leave heading back to work to change over his location. Well that’s every room on the house!

Later that night I start a serious conversation “We have to have a serious chat though Noodle…!” I can tell he’s freaking out “Err, serious?” I am smiling knowing what is going through his head “Yeah! The Noodle vs #IBD4U agreement 2017 is about to expire. I nominate #IBD4U to negotiate on my behalf to extend this agreement. Who will be your representative. We should commence negotiations ASAP to ensure continuity” he laughs but says that the agreement should be cancelled. I tell him that he can’t cancel it but what would he want in the next agreement, he doesn’t know so asks me what I want to which I reply:

1. Maintain all current conditions
2. Noodle to communicate better
3. Get fucked more & harder

He says that he agrees to those conditions but after some thought he says that he has 2 to add:

1. #IBD4U is to not freak out & stay up all night if Noodle has a busy day at work or busy week
2. Noodle to receive weekly blowjobs

I tell him that number 1 is a non-issue if he adheres to number 2 of my list. But I tell him that I will draft a clause for his number 2. “#IBD4U will give Noodle a weekly blowjob/headjob/suck his cock. Failure to give Noodle a Blowjob/headjob/suck his cock will result in a spank unless it is beyond #IBD4U control, such as Noodle is SO busy” He says that’s not a punishment, which it probably isn’t since I like it, be we agree & say that we should sign it in our cum! He tells me later how freaked out he was about the we need to talk comment! Hahaha, that was my plan!

We don’t see each other over Christmas, but we talk every day as usual. They are both off together during the public holidays so I don’t get to chat a lot when she’s awake, obviously but he makes time to chat to me & I find myself waking up earlier to make sure we get some quality chat time. We don’t exchange gifts, I have spent time thinking about the perfect gift for him. I had just been to Sydney for a concert with a friend & while there I did some shopping & bought the sexiest cutest lingerie. It’s black & lacy with a lot of gold sequins on it, sounds tacky, but it’s not. I have also bought Noodle his regular deodorant aftershave, Listerine mouth wash (he uses it every time he comes over,) chocolate body paint & since I’ve been baking a gingerbread cookie Christmas tree, I made some extra cookies & bagged it up with a fancy bow to give it all to him. I figure that it’s stuff he can either leave at my house or he can put in his gym back as stuff he uses. I hope that whatever he’s bought me, it’s an equivalent gift or I’m going to feel stupid as fuck! Assuming he hasn’t spent to much on me because it would raise suspicion, I’m thinking no more than $50. While I’ve spent a lot on the lingerie, it’s ok because I’m not giving it to him as such, but I’m going to be wearing it.

I had worked out what aftershave/deodorant that he wears, one night after we’ve fucked, I still smell like him & I am being honest when I tell him this. He tells me that he just wears Rexona ice cool but he changes it a lot. He tells me that “A guy can’t tell if you’re wearing $29 perfume or $200 perfume” Well fuck, I wear Chanel Chance, it’s super expensive but I wear it because I like it. It’s now my signature smell. But I didn’t even know this, what is the fucking point! Men don’t know?!
As soon as he’s back at work after Christmas, I meet him for lunch. I am dressed in a short summer dress with no panties, ready to fuck him easily as I know he won’t have a lot of time because the shops have been shut for 2 days, you know people act like the world has ended. I’m honestly surprised he is making the time today to see me. As he gets in my car, he says “Fuck” I looked around trying to see if I can see someone that looks like his partner, but of course she’d be at work too, being she works for the same retail chain. I ask what he said fuck for when he points at a dude wearing a Christmas shirt & says that the area manager, walking into the store. I am fucking disappointed & dreading the answer as I say “Do you need to go back in?” but he says no, however I know he’s distracted about this. We drive to our usual spot & fuck in the car for an hour before I drop him back to work. He chats to me as soon as he’s back but because the area manager is in his store it’s not straight away as usual. But he tells me that the manager said he saw us & asked Noodle if he’s behaving. I reply “What?! What did you say?” He says that he just said “always” , with a smile. FUCK! Shit fuck damn!

This doesn’t change anything like I think it will, Noodle really surprises me sometimes! The next Tuesday night I tell him that I am finally going to give him his Christmas present. I skip the gym to get ready in the lingerie complete with stockings & high heels, I cover up with a white satin dressing gown then stand next to the gift I have for him to take. He walks in the door & sees me stand in the lounge room & askes me “what do we have here?” I ask him which present he wants to open first, he doesn’t really respond as he pulls on the tie of the satin dressing gown as it falls open like the scene from titanic when Rose is naked under her gown, I think I couldn’t have planned that any better if I tried. Noodle sucks in his breath as he sees my lingerie & I see his eyes do that look that kind of look like they’re popping out of this head. We don’t get to look at the rest of his gift before he is kissing me, taking the dressing gown off me completely. He pushes me backwards to the pool table & helps me up where he goes down on me till I cum. This is not how I planned this to go, I wanted to please him, but I am loving this & I know that he likes going down on me, having told me before that I taste really good, compared to some women, he’s never really liked doing it before. We fuck on the pool table & he never takes off the lingerie telling me how hot I look. After we’re done he opens the rest of the present & says it’s like a cheating mans pack. Well that’s kind of what I was going for. He tells me later too that he likes my cookie. He pretty much ate it the second he left my house. He goes outside to get my present out of the car – he’d hidden in in the spare wheel arch so she couldn’t find it… She’s gone through his car before & when she found his hair stuff in the glove box, she told he was dodgy as fuck… Anyway, my gift isn’t wrapped, but he kind of shoves a thin box with some thing on top at me. It’s a nurses costume & a vibrating cock ring. He’s such a guy that he’s not even taken off the price tags. I love this gift, but the first thing that goes through my head is if it will even fit me! Why can’t I ever just enjoy a fucking moment without ruining it with bullshit thoughts?

#IBD4U