So things are a little weird between Noodle & I since we said we have feelings for each other, we went out of our way to say that we aren’t in love with each other so many times, that it makes me suspicious about our feelings. Like who says that many times “I’m not in love with you.” Seems like we’re hiding something…
I talk to Noodle about what I would want out of a relationship & how I think it would have to have some sort of openness to the relationship, especially since I have already done what I’ve did with Orbit & T-bone, I realise that I am not as loyal as I thought I was. I am not sure people can be completely monogamous, so not only would a guy probably want to cheat on me eventually, but apparently I would also want to do that to him too – maybe? I hope not, but I have done this to Noodle…
“If we were in a relationship for example, it would be open in some way right.. So just think of this an open relationship. Regardless what I do outside of us two, I still come home to you” I am hoping that Noodle understands what I mean here… I also tell him about what I’ve been thinking of lately about an open relationship “I was thinking about my open rules the other day on my drive & thought how hard it is to find someone to fuck a random. So I’d let him host his random fuck at our house as long as they only had sex in the spare bed, no where else in the house & she didn’t sleep over… This is while I’m away of course. Most couples say their own home is a no go zone. But I know how hard it is to find somewhere to host so, I’d let him use the spare room… But TBH I don’t think a guy is gonna wanna fuck anyone else with me for a while.” he agrees “Haha I tell you what I’m not really interested in anyone else, you take care of a mans needs very well!” While definitely would go through with this eventually with a partner if they wanted to, it’s also a bit of a test to see if they really would want to do it. I think if you give them the option for an open relationship, it’s takes the excitement of cheating out of it… (I may have something wrong with me, hahaha) But honestly it’s part of the hotness between Noodle & I that it’s naughty & exciting, the fear of being caught. If you take that out of it, would we be as hot? Would it be as exciting or self-destructive, maybe?
I decide to be honest with Noodle about a guy in the group that’s been hitting on me a lot lately, this isn’t new, we’ve chatted so many times when his partner is ok with it. I know that if I ever fucked this guy, it’s a complete deal breaker for Noodle – he’s told me that before. He won’t ever be ok with me fucking him, so I decide to be honest that I have been chatting to him. However, with this weirdness going on this week, me being away & not able to see him, I probably shouldn’t have, Noodle snaps “So should of fucked Destiny when you told me not too” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Fuck you” As I go to put my phone down because that is a low blow, I get “I backed off stupidly for you. Dumbass me.” I reply “Actual fuck you Noodle” Fuck I want to punch him in the face right now. “Clearly I can’t be honest with you like I thought I could… If you’re gonna say shit like that to me, best we just leave it here for a bit. I’ve got a meeting at 10 anyway. Talk to you later” I close down the app & I am seething! I have never been so angry in all my life! I know Noodle is a douche & says ridiculous things to me all the time to make me angry, but I have never not wanted to talk to him before. I can’t even be bothered trying to boost his ego right now. He can fuck off! WHAT A WANKER! My phone beeps likes crazy for several messages he sends to me, but I ignore them all. I focus on work & just try not to think about. But of course, I never stop thinking about it…
After work, I know he’s offline so I finally read his massages as I want to think about my reply to him before I say something I regret. He writes “Argh. I get jealous sometimes & I’m a dick. Sorry… It obviously hurt me you said yes & would of despite how I would but it’s ok. I can accept that. I’ll be nice from now on… You can be honest with me.” Is he serious? It’s almost like he only reads what he wants to read sometimes. I would’ve met this guy before Noodle & I were serious, but I didn’t. “I said I would’ve way back when but you said it’d absolutely piss you off so I never entertained the thought in my own mind after that…! I’d rather keep fucking you than have a one night stand with him…! I haven’t fucked anyone else in months because I only want you! So fuck you for saying that about Destiny.” If this is how he reacts to me chatting to the guy, imagine what he’d do if I actually met him? He writes back quicker than I expect him too being that he should be offline. “Haha you know it would fuck me off that it was in your mind in the first place. Even when I told you. It’s all good…” OMG if he says part of the deal, I am going to snap! “Just because I think it, doesn’t mean I’m going to go through with it…! I’m certain you still think about fucking other people while fucking 2 women already. It’s human nature… I don’t think we’re built to be monogamous! It’s just if we act on it. & I haven’t since I saw how upset you got with the Shark & Leblek debacle” He can’t deny that he’s never thought about fucking other people, I mean he wants a fucking 3sum with me, so of course we all think about fucking other people… “Hahaha, didn’t get upset over that. Just slightly jealous. & annoyed I had gone near you after you had gone near her STD riddled body. Always said you could fuck whoever you want… Just not Holden.” OMG. He did get upset over it & he never believed me that I never fucked them & I have had an STI check which came back clear – as I always do… & he knows this too… I told him I had a check. “& I haven’t!” I never went near Holden. “& You were fucking a few people while you know I had Destiny lined up & I backed away. Just for you! Think I’m pissed cos you would of regardless how I felt about it. I’m sorry. Having a dumb moment. Your way to good to be fucking me.” Yeah well he has that right – I am too good to be fucking him, now I wish I was in front of him to punch him in the face & I’m not a violent person! “I can’t change what I did. I have a history, a past. I’m only human, I don’t make the best decisions all the time. I never wanted to get attached to you, I usually fuck more than one person so I don’t catch feelings… But look how that turned out… Here I am in a fucking stupid situation, not fucking anyone else while you fuck someone else all the time..!” Fuck you Noodle, he can’t deny this! “Haha it’s not very often I can assure you. Sorry for being a douche” I think that gets him to see my side of this finally “Doesn’t matter… You still do…! But I thought about fucking someone else ages ago & you say really hurtful things to me! Although I guess that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever said to me, but that was below the belt!” I hope he realises how ridiculous he is sometimes “I don’t mean to say hurtful things” He may not mean too, but he does. “I know… & I don’t mean to say things that make you jealous… I don’t want to make you jealous. Thought that was quite clear being I’m not seeing anyone else.” His reply infuriates me even more “You should see other people.” Fuck off, I’m going to sleep!
It’s like we admit we have feelings, not of love, of course but then he has to be an asshole to me to prove it’s not love? Or what is it? I know it’s been a hard weekend for him with his brothers wedding, he’s told me that no one in his family likes who his brother is marrying & he said that the wedding was awkward & all about her family. Noodle & I are still a bit weird with each other too, I am realising that he is never going to leave his partner, just after some comments & some things they’re doing. But I need him to know “Just cos I’ll never ask you to leave your partner for me, doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it be like if you were single.” I almost don’t want him to reply, just ignore what I just said “Well that’s the hard part for me, I’ve considered leaving her for you. & doesn’t help when you tell me how amazing you’ll be.” Doesn’t he already know what I’d be like? He’s almost known me a year, I haven’t changed. I ask him if he prefers me being a bitch but he says no that he likes me being nice to him when I reply “I’m actually probably be a cunt to you… Telling you this shit though. I don’t want you to leave & you regret it. It’s why I’ll never ask. But don’t think I haven’t thought about it. Or want to explore it…” While I’ll never actually come out & ask him to leave, I hope that this is enough for him to know that I am interested enough that if he does leave, I want him. “You are in some very very dangerous territory with a married guy miss #IBD4U.” I tell him that I am very aware of this, but I figure that I need him to know that even though I’ll never ask, it’s what I want, I want him to leave her… He tells me “Your meant to just use me for sex” with an emoji tongue sticking out, I reply “You’re meant to just use me for sex… Look how well that turned out” Noodle tries to change the subject “Used you just for sex yesterday. Snuck in, fucked the shit out of you & left” but what he forgets is, what he does at the end “You still gave me a passionate kiss goodbye… That’s not being used…!” I got him there “Ahhh Dammit! Shhh You!” Hahaha, told ya! “Yeah it’s not one sided here!” Even though he won’t admit it. “You passionately kissed me back” yeah I did. “Never said I didn’t…!” I then ask him if he’d rather I didn’t tell him this stuff, I don’t want to confuse him but he says “No tell me whatever you want. I don’t mind it” I know that it confuses him but I also know how his mind works & that he needs this type of reminder from me, about how in this I am! “I just don’t want to confuse you… You have to make a decision for you. If you leave her, you have to leave her regardless of what may or may not happen with me…” I mean if we’re not sneaking around, would we be this hot? “There’s a chance nothing will happen with you, who knows. You could hate being around me more than 4 hours haha. Can’t count on that can I?” I can’t believe how scared of being alone he is, which is why I know he’ll never take the risk on me. FUCK! Mother fucker… I am so stupid! “Yeah exactly. I mean I doubt it though, since I get grumpy when you don’t fuck me or when you don’t talk to me” Shit… I am just a fucking mistress… I will never be more… His feelings for me are just because he doesn’t want to be alone… “Hahah, Awww do you? Someone really likes me” I tell him to shut up.We are both still in this weird mood. I have extra hormones running through my body which have in the past made me nuts, remember the Origin debacle…. I know I am acting crazy & I can’t help it. I am hating having these conversations as they are making me feel shit about our future, a future I have built up in my head, a future of us together… But he has dashed all those hopes in a single sentence… ‘Can’t count on that, can I?’ FUCK! I am gutted… Seriously gutted! I feel like such a fool… I think feeling foolish is the worst feeling in the world… I am so dumb.
He finally tells me why he’s in a weird mood, he’s had a massive fight with his partner & instead of calling her his wife to me, which he ALWAYS does (even though I hate it as they’re not actually married), he has been calling her his partner. He doesn’t really tell me what it was about but it makes me think this is going to be over & he’ll be with me. He even slept on the couch. This is a side I’ve never seen of him before, he says that he actually wants to see me & wishes I was in Adelaide, when I tell him that I‘d come & give him a hug if I could. His response surprises me, since neither of us are hugging type people “Yeah I need one” WHAT? Does he really? I feel like my heart breaks a little… He tries to lighten the mood by saying that he thinks I want a hug for myself too “Well I will say, the hug is not completely for selfless reasons!” I tell him I’ll be back in Adelaide on Sunday & I could come see him, but he says he’ll be at home, I say that sucks but he says that his wife will be at work, so could sneak one in the driveway. Noodle is calling her his wife again, which kills me a little… Clearly they sorted out their shit… I am gutted all over again! A small glimmer of hope, for just a spilt second!
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