Remember when Noodle & I were saying good night… & I said he lurvves bacon then he said doughnuts. Well he loves doughnuts too… OMG I missed it but was Noodle saying he loved me then?! (Wasn’t he?! Or am I reading into this? Hahaha…) Here’s the except from that blog for you to judge!
So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love!
OMG, I may be reading into things a bit much, but I feel like we bottled up our feelings for so long! But did he say that he loves me in a weird way?
While our messages are more lovey, I am acting nuts a lot. I mean he’s saying he’s in love with 2 women, I don’t believe that is true, I don’t think you can love 2 people in the same way. But it hurts me when he tells me that he loves her, he says that he’s not in love with her but she in the mother of his children. I guess I just try not to think about her so much & he’s my best friend with no one to talk to about me or her, so he talks to me. I don’t think he realises what he says sometimes he tells me that “Yeah obviously she finds me attractive & can be dirty. But yeah, no where near as dirty as you. & she does want me sexually, even if she’s not turned on… Last time I fucked her she thanked me… I mean WTF. Cos it made her feel wanted. You make me feel more attractive than she does tho.” What does he even need me for & I tell him that it makes sense why he’ll never leave her. I say that & he replies “Well I don’t. you know the reasons why & I’m never gonna bullshit them to you like most cheating guys do. Keep telling there mistress they will live there wife eventually & never do. As much as I want too…” The thing Noodle never understands, is that he does bullshit me… I mean saying ‘as much as I want too’ is clearly bullshit. If he wanted to leave her, he would! Those lines are designed to give me hope that he will leave her. He says that he never gives me false hope, but he does, every day! Even by telling me that he loves me, he has given me hope. Just not the type of direct hope that he’s talking about. It’s still gives me hope… & I stupidly wait around for a glimmer of this hope all the time, waiting for him to actually say that he’s left her & going to make a go of it with me. I mean lets face it, that’s never going to happen, I am doomed here. I know it. He knows it. Hell, even if his partner knew about me, she knows I’m doomed. However I still hang around like a lost puppy waiting for a scrap of his time.
I try not to let this alter my chats with Noodle. I mean I am constantly thinking this shit but I am in a good mood, I mean I am finally in love! OMG, lets just even reflect on that for a second! It wasn’t a dream. A man I find incredibly sexy, funny, passionate & have the ultimate chemistry with, loves me. Little ol me! I will not die now having not been loved! My biggest fear, is now no longer. I know what love feels like, I can’t describe it, but I feel it. It embraces me in everything I do. I wake up thinking about Noodle, I sleep dreaming of Noodle, I go to bed wishing he was next to me. I constantly look at my phone for a message from him, I pine for the next time I am going to see me, till I feel him inside of me, fucking me & yes OMG. That was making love when we came together that day & every time we’ve done that since. We are in sync. I’m sure if we were around friends, we’d been sickening & finish each other’s sentences!
I’ve never been a smoker before, but I have struggled with food issues before, I suspect that giving up smoking is kind of like me trying to give up Noodle, I can hear smokers saying ‘just one more smoke, just one more puff then I’ll give up…’ Yep, I hear ya buddy… Just one more fuck. One more kiss… Then I’m done, I can walk away & find a love that I deserve! Yes just one more time… However as per Veronica Mars in the movie when helping Logan “You ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one more taste of the good stuff…. Neither have I.” FUCK!
We become this weird hybrid of ourselves. We never say the word love, we use the love heart emoji to express that. I’m not sure if Noodle does it because that’s what I do or if he is also scared about saying that damn word to me again! He says “Noodle heart #IBD4U” & I reply “Awwww, #IBD4U does heart Noodle too!” I am smiling like a tool when he says “Totally lame” I reply “You are grinning” because I know he is & I am too, He says that he is & I smile even more!
The first time I did the love heart thing, he did say “Oh dear god, we’re doing this now?’ & when I says yes, he does it back every time. & even sometimes he initiates it, so I know he loves it, thinks it’s cute & is happy that I am so into him. As we’re chatting I tell him not to worry “Don’t worry, dirty, sexy, kinky #IBD4U is still there, just with a little cuteness too.. that might make you want to vomit, but that’s ok” & before he reads it, he leaves every group, as if en masse, his chat app is shut down. My heart goes into a panic. What has happened? I am at work, I know he’s not at work – I’m pretty sure she’s in bed asleep or he wouldn’t be chatting to me, he couldn’t have been found out in that short space of time & deleted his chat app so suddenly? What the fuck is going on? Does she know? Did she see my picture? I think I still have his cum on my face in the profile picture, however I do look pretty cute… But fuck then she knows what I look like. No I need to calm down, he wouldn’t delete his chat app that suddenly if she found out. It’s actually hard to delete your account on the app, you have to go to the website first. Surely he hasn’t been caught & told to delete it & he did… It happened to suddenly. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! People start asking me questions, as if I know… I am freaking out more than anyone! WTF… It’s weird it was every group all at the same time, that doesn’t happen to people. OMG. I don’t have any other way to contact him. He did give me his number ages ago, but I don’t want to message his phone in case she has found out about me. As I start to write him an email, hoping that he’ll check his cheating email account soon & give me some answers, I get a request on the chat app from another Noodle. OMG what the hell happened!? He tells me that his account was deleted by the chat app people because of all the douchy shit he has been doing with another guy in a group, who was apparently convicted of being a kiddy fiddler. Noodle was always against this (as everyone should be) but they had such rivalry. It was stupid to be honest. Just so dumb, but Noodle kept getting bans on his chat account, so many times that they just deleted his account. FUCKING HELL that was a bad 10 minutes! OMG the crazy thoughts that went through my mind in such a short space of time is insane!
The following Saturday night we arrange to meet at his gym for our regular car sex, sometimes he gyms before or after but he usually says that our sex is enough of a workout for him. I pull up, reverse in so that we’re hidden in the back seat when we jump in there. But as I go to get out of the car I notice he’s getting in the front seat. He kisses me hello & runs his hands over any part of me he can reach, I ask why he’s gotten into the front seat, he kisses me again not answering. FUCK – what is happening please?!
He says he has to go, his partner just called & he has to take her to the hospital. I ask if she’s having the baby but he says no, she’s having some pain. I kiss him quickly & tell him he has to go. He keeps touching me saying how sorry he is, I keep saying its ok (even though I have just driven 30 minutes to see him for 15 seconds at 10:00 pm.) But he keeps trying to finger me, says he wants to get me off before he goes & how sorry he is, but I push him off telling him he needs to go. He’s with me a lot longer than he should be, he genuinely looks devastated that he has to go. But I guess he’s also worried that I’ll be bitchy to him, he can’t help this… It sucks but it’s not his fault.
I drive away feeling so shit. Like an actual fucking idiot loser! It’s no one’s fault but my own. I am involved with a guy who has a pregnant partner, I should expect this kind of stuff to happen. To be honest, I’m surprised she hasn’t ruined more of our times together. I say goodnight to him & he messages me sorry on the way home. I say that I’ll go to bed when I get home & that I’ll chat to him tomorrow. I’m not trying to make him feel bad, I am just trying to protect myself a little here. This is a fucked up situation. I want to cry but I can’t. I’ll be surprised if I get any sleep tonight. Somehow I do sleep…
I hear a noise in the night, or is it morning? I roll over & snuggle back down, but I hear it louder, like someone is coming in my front door. I hear birds chirping but it’s still darkish outside, I smell Noodle as he slips into my bed naked & I startle awake asking him what day it is? What time is it? It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am, he tells me his partner is home & she thinks he’s at the gym, he left his phone there while he snuck to my house to see me. Noodle never surprises me like this, it’s always pre-planned, but I roll into him & we have hot passionate sex (as always!) before he has to go. OMG, I am so in love with him. As if he risked it that much for me.
I see him the next night for an hour at the gym, we have sex in the car again – it’s always hot. The following Tuesday, is the 4th day in a row we’ve seen each other, noodle is again on holidays because his partner is in pain, so I meet him at the gym instead, I am on holidays too so I went to my usual gym that morning, but I have been dying to workout with him since I joined the same gym as him, so I say that I’ll meet him in the gym this time. We have talked about having a shower together at the gym & maybe some rimming but I’m still not sure. I get to the gym & he’s on the treadmill, I walk up to him & he gets off it, gives me a kiss hello. There is only 1 or 2 people in the gym. He makes me get on a treadmill to warm up, but I get on the cross trainer as I hate the treadmill, he gets back on his treadmill & we sort of chat as we workout next to each other, I kind of just want to rip his shirt & pants off & fuck him on the equipment. I restrain myself & we do some weights together, where he says I whinge a lot (yes I hate working out & do whinge when I am with other people) but I say later that I was doing the damsel in distress hoping he’d help me & touch me, however he says he feels like a gym noob, I haven’t been going to a gym for years, I go to classes so they don’t have a lot of the same equipment & I have no idea what I’m doing as well. We work out for an hour, I’ve already worked out that day & also just want to fuck him, so I’m also aware that we’re getting to a point where he’ll have to go soon, so I say let’s go. We stand at the cars & kiss waiting for the other to say let’s fuck, I forget which one said it but we’re in the back of my car naked pretty quickly. This is where I want to be. I love fucking him & we’re both sweaty & hot, ready for each other… Is there ever going to be a time when I don’t want this mans cock inside me?
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 