Category: Uncategorised

Noddy always sends me pictures of himself at work or home, sending me pictures of what he’s doing, which is usually writing music, I love how motivated he is… For a guy that left home at 13, I am surprised he has so much ambition. I did wonder if the weed smoking would be a problem, being that it’s not really my favourite thing, but it’s not. I mean he constantly looks stoned in every picture he sends me but I guess, it’s only ever going to be a problem if we get serious together.

I tell Noddy about the feature on our phone, we have the same phone! (OMG that’s a sign! Hahaha… Everyone is usually apple!) We have a pen that you can use to write on the screen for notes etc. I always said I wouldn’t ever use it, but I actually use it all the time. Noddy said he’s never used it, so I write him a note saying that he should use the pen it’s amazing. So he uses it to write me a message back saying that’s cute as fuck then draws abs on a shirtless pic of him. I can’t help but laugh when I see the detail he’s gone too…

He tells me that he’s had a headache all day & gone home from work. I suggest water, so he sends me a picture of the water bottle, it look like it’s had 2 sips out of it. I show him the bottle that I’ve drunk & he uses the pen to show me that there is a ladybug on my desk at work. I ask him how his hickey is (that he asked for – but I’m paranoid about him giving one to me.) He sends me pictures all night of his night, having a few beers with the boys. I like that we have our own lives, but that he wants me involved in this way, via messaging…

The next week it’s Anzac week – therefore a public holiday & Noddy says that he’s going to come over after work & stay the night. I am more excited than I should be… I wanted to take things slow with this guy & I’m seeing him like 2 – 3 times a week at this rate & it’s only been 3 weeks… Noddy gets to my house & I’m watching Revenge so we seem to just watch that. I can tell he’s tired, he’s had a lot of work going on, he’s working on his music, his mum had the accident, his friend in is hospital, his ex is sending him messages all the time, he’s got me – I’m not a walk in the park… I tickle his back & he slowly inches his way to lay his head on my legs… I keep tickling his back & I know he’s going to sleep & really relaxed. I bet he hasn’t been this relaxed in weeks. We lay like that for a while, just tickling his back.

We go to bed & have sex, him tying me up again to the x restraints, even though he’s tired, afterwards, we’re laying there with the lights off & cuddling, when I start rubbing his chest & cock… This is so unlike me to make the first move with a guy, but I want him again. He climbs on top of me & fucks me, but says after I’ve cum a few times that he won’t cum again this quick. I ask him to make me cum again before he stops, which he does & we fall asleep in each other’s arms…

He leaves fairly early the next day being that it’s a public holiday, I’m surprised by this, but I guess we can’t spend all day together, however I was hoping to exercise with him for a change. Hahaha. We’ll probably never do that! I guess we have had lots of sexercise.

Later that night he’s messaging me about how amazing it was when I was tickling his back, he says that he loved it but it should’ve been the other way around… No way, I love doing that stuff for him too… I want to make him feel wanted, I do want him, so I want him to feel that – I have trouble verbalising it, so I need to show him. As a submissive I don’t get to do that often. “I’m so glad… last night was amazing… Just being there & almost falling asleep on you like that was so nice… I’m glad you like doing it hahaha. I do like be sub every now & then haha. But I like being dom way more. I like the control in the bedroom hahaa. Everything outside I think is an equal thing. Showing affection and stuff like that. Hahaha. And I also don’t believe it’s a man’s job & woman’s job. Like sewing and washing. I think if you can do it why not?” He did offer to sew my dress up as I’d ripped it – it actually surprised me that he can sew… I can’t sew… He talks about the future so much that is scares me. Or talks about the things we will do, that I am getting caught up in it… I know from past experience, that generally the “we” stuff never happens with men I’ve me, yet I fall for it every time… I mean just look at all the sex toys I have bought over the years, even the trench coat for Abs, the lingerie for Noodle & have talked to numerous guys about using sex toys or bought them to use with them, but they never have enough time to use them with me!

I suggest that we take some photos & video when we have sex next & he agrees… I mean what guy wouldn’t… He says that he doesn’t need it for inspiration when I say he can use it to rub one out, he says he doesn’t do that very often… What a lie! Hahaha…

I forgot, as he went to leave at Easter I was on his side of the bed (Fuck I’m calling it his side of the bed!) & I passed him the Easter present I gave him. He put it on my dresser & left it there… Well either he didn’t want it & I shouldn’t have given it to him, like a dickhead that I am or he just plain forgot it… He never mentions it though the week… I consider asking him how it was to see what he’d say but I don’t. He finally takes it at Anzac day & sends me a picture of him eating it… At least now I don’t feel like such a wanker for giving it to him. I thought honestly that he would have something for me for Easter, which is why I got him an egg… He’s talked about flowers & how he does that for no reason & that I deserve flowers… So I figured with how thoughtful he is with other things, he’d have something for me… But it’s not big deal that I have nothing from him. We have plenty of time for that stuff…

I, for some reason start calling him Spark plug, when I start thinking of nicknames that are related to cars. Ironically, though he has car trouble the next day & he tells me that it’s his spark plugs that were the problem! I kind of feel bad for his car but I don’t stop calling him spark plug. It’s a cute nickname, just for him. I have nicknames, but everyone calls me them!

I am, for once, looking forward to seeing where this goes…. There is no pressure or expectations like I thought there would be, we are just seeing where it goes & for the first time in my life, I don’t need a definition or a label. I am so content with this as it is, seeing each other every few nights & chatting daily when we can. It’s absolutely what I am looking for right now.

#IBD4U

So this isn’t my usual thing but I notice a lot of people on Instagram posting screenshots of chats from guys – I’ve always thought that was weird… But I guess I wrote about the guys I meet or chat to all the time… Hahaha, so what’s more weird talking about it or showing you a screenshot?!I guess it’s weird that I save the screenshot? But I do that for research & blog purposes only now. However some of the things people say don’t warrant a full 1000+ word blog post but perhaps they deserve a blog post in some way!Some post the persons name & pictures etc, but I will protect their identity & have blacked out (used the bomb emoji) what I can. But these are actual screenshots I saved of conversations that I’ve had on various sites over the course of my dating life. Some are these are from sites when I was just looking for sex, some are from sites when I was being serious about finding a partner, some are just random texts. See if you can tell what site is what. Hahaha.Thought it might be a fun change of pace for my blog posts… Hope you enjoy this format.

 

 

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So there you have it… A difference in my blog posts… Hope you enjoyed this format. Something different. Let me know what you think. I might do some more like this if you like it.

#IBD4U

Noddy & I wake up in the morning, it’s Easter. My rolling around wakes him up & he says “Morning gorgeous” & tells me he loves waking up next to me. I can’t really reply to that because I am emotionally retarded, I mean I do actually love this, I haven’t done this for a fucking long time & it was biggest fantasty with Noodle but I have a stupid brain that basically won’t let me tell this guy how much I like this… But I have also stupidly bought him a Easter egg, which I am now too embarrassed to give him. I get up twice before I get the courage to say to him “Oh look the Easter bunny has been.” He doesn’t really say thank you or seem to appreciate it, just putting it on the bedside table. I feel a bit dumb but he cuddles into me, then later on he does the same as yesterday, he makes me a cup of tea then goes outside for a smoke before coming back into fuck me.

We’re chatting about the group & he says something about sending a picture to the group of him in my bed… While I want him too because I remember how much I hated that Noodle & I were a secret, I am very aware that it’s only been a few weeks with Noddy. This will put pressure on us from everyone in the group. I don’t want to push this guy, I am very aware that I am liking him too much being that he’s stayed at my house basically all weekend, & there are so many red flags with him. He’s only just got out of a relationship… I am not over my previous relationship or whatever the fuck that was… I don’t want to hurt him just as much as I don’t want him to hurt me…

But he sends the picture & everyone knows… He’s in my bed… I secretly am happy but I am also concerned about what this will do to us… This is still new & fragile… I don’t want pressure on it.. I want to see where this goes without pressure or expectations.

We get up & eat leftover pizza for breakfast. I’m brushing my teeth walking around doing stuff when I see him in a bandanna & he says “Well… Obviously” just like Antoine Dodson & I literally spit my toothpaste everywhere & choke on the toothbrush. Fucking hell this guy is so hilarious, just exactly the sense of humour I want. Exactly what I am attracted too!

We sit around on the couch again watching Revenge & I now wish because of our conversations, if I offered to go exercise, I want to exercise with him, show him that side of me, but all I did was show him the fat slob side. As we’re sitting on the couch, I tell him that my family will be there soon for family dinner & he says that he better go, but he starts kissing me & we end up fucking quickly, both cumming hard. He tells me that I gave him “Fuck me eyes” I remember Noodle saying that I gave him ‘fuck me’ eyes before, but what the fuck are fuck me eyes? Whatever – who cares, I mean if I gave him that sign, it’s fine, I did want him to fuck me before he left. How much sex have we had this weekend!

As soon as he leaves, I empty the bathroom bin of the condom graveyard, have a shower & my parents rocks up 20 minutes after he leaves… Fuck that was close! Hahaha… My parents are never first to my house, nor are they ever early – like EVER! I message Noddy to tell him that was fucking close! Hahaha… No guy has ever met my family, well besides boyfriend. I wonder how some guys would react if they did meet my family?! I think he’d be ok with it…

Over the next couple of days Noddy & I talk a lot… He tells me that he’ll always be there for me to lend an ear & he’d do that for any of his friends because they’ve all helped him… He tells me that brought a tear to his eye… I tell him that he’s a good guy & he tells me I’m amazing. I offer up a hug if I could (which is so unlike me, but I am feeling for this guy right now) he says “I know you would. And that’s why you are amazing too” I tell him that we’re very alike in some ways but very different in others. He says “Yeah… I agree, it’s great having you in my life even if this ends up going nowhere & it’s just a fling… I’d be glad to call you my friend & someone I know. You are a great person” He wants this to be a fling? FUCK… I am so stupid! I have been really thinking about this man & being in his life & he wants me to be a fling?! I write back thanks with a smiley face because I have no fucking idea what to say to that… “Sorry, not trying to scare you away haha. That sounds bad… yeah.. I don’t have a great vocabulary when it comes to some of these things” I say that he didn’t scare me, but I am not sure what to say, because it’s true… He says that he just wanted me to know & I ask “You want me to know that I’m a fling?” he replies instantly “What no… that you are amazing & even if it ends I still wanna be friends” I have heard this from Noodle before… & look how well that turned out!! Hahaha… I mean can you really be friends with someone who’s been inside you?

I tell him later that I am surprised at how much I actually like him, which is so unlike me, I never tell guys how I’m feeling because it usually comes back to bite me in the ass. I surprise myself by telling him this & he says “Nwwww, that’s cute as fuck. Thanks heaps that means a lot to me. You are amazing #IBD4U. I love spending time with you.” WOW… I didn’t expect that from him… Though I guess this guy does tell me more than any other guy so far how much he likes me… He sends me a shirtless picture & I tell him off because I’m horny. I say “I’ll send you naked pics when you’re horny & see how you like it” Then I realise that’s a stupid threat. He tells me it’s the best threat ever. But he’d prefer the real thing than a picture “Fuck pictures… I’d rather get in the car” It’s good that the distance isn’t going to be a problem, I really was worried about that… So many guys tell me that the distance isn’t an issue, then it becomes one. I tell him that I don’t send nudes often anyway because of my breast reductions scars from 6 years ago. He says “Yeah… I get that… but they look amazing… Fuck the scars. I think they just define your beauty even more… Shows how much you’ve been though” JESUS CHRIST this guy is smooth as fuck!

I need to put a wall back up here… I mean I met this guy in the chat app & I’ve seen it ruin lives… I mean, mine for one with Noodle… It ruined his & his partners… I am so cautious of people, but I’m also trying not to tar him with the same brush. He says “Even if you do, I’ll wash that away & show you a different colour… Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here, it’s what I do” Oh really? Wow… While he doesn’t know my history & I’m going to avoid telling him the ins & outs if I can about Noodle, if we get that far, but I am glad he’s willing to take this slow & see where it goes. I pose the same question that I posed to Noodle once or twice “Why me?” he says “The mystery. The previous encounters. The beauty. Something I’m not used too. Maturity, deep conversations. I won’t lie, I used to go for stupid little girls all the time… Sick of the drama.” Well I’m sure there is drama with me, I won’t deny that! Hahaha but he says there is a lot less.

He tells me about some drama with his ex girlfriend today, he tells me that she’s been messaging him, wanting him back… FUCK, I feel a pang of jealously! Most people do go back, I mean look at Noodle… However I listen & try to be subjective, not like a jealous chick listening into his private conversations with a conflict of interest. He says “It’s good to talk to someone about this shit, & when I’m with you, I forget all about that shit.” I am glad he can talk to me & I say so, but “I don’t want to just be your rebound fling & get hurt myself” Even though I know that I’m the first he’s been with since her, he says “I don’t want to hurt you at all. That’s the last thing I want to do. You are an amazing person” I tell him that his fling comment has me a bit worried. I’m not going to lie either. “Yeah but please don’t panic… I don’t want you to think anything into it too much… I don’t want this to be a fling. It’s just I wanna be 100% honest with you about what’s happening. I feel it’s the only right thing to do” Fuck I love how mature this guy can be… While he doesn’t always say the right thing, he sometimes says the most perfect thing to put me at ease… Maybe too at ease… But I am glad I am letting my guard down with this guy… It kind of feels right…

#IBD4U

Wednesday comes & Noddy comes over after work, we start to watch a movie but are more cuddly this time this time from the start, I am not normally a cuddling person so I’m surprised he’s gotten me to this point so quickly. It feels good to just have a few drinks with him & sit to relax – feeling comfortable with him. He seems more at ease at my place, he tells me before that he’s going to bring work clothes. He gets addicted to the TV show I’ve been watching which is really old, Revenge, but I watched a few seasons when it was on TV but didn’t watch it all so I have no idea what happened. He watches it & gets engrossed in it, but we end up going to the bedroom to have sex, he talks a lot more this time as in dirty talk, which I like & enjoy. We fuck a couple of times before he says that he can’t stay as he got halfway here & realised he forgot his boots… I am disappointed but it’s a school night so it’s ok if he leaves. But he could just get up earlier & go home to get them – since his house is on the way to his work, but he decides not to stay over. That’s ok, like I said I don’t sleep well when he’s over so I am ok for him to go home.

I wake up the next morning, rolling over & actually disappointed that he’s not there, fuck that was an unexpected disappointment… I look at my phone to find a message from him at 1:52 am “OMG… I can’t sleep again. Haha. I have you on the brain so bad… I’m sitting here thinking about how I should’ve stayed… And how I’m going to make it up to you when I come over tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you. And I can’t wait to feel you squirm underneath me. Or feel you laying on my chest just relaxing on the couch. I hope this was a great message to wake up too. Haha. Good morning” WOW fuck yes that was a good message! I am wishing he stayed but he’s planning to stay at my house for Easter a couple of nights. We’ve discussed exercising & going out, so it should be a good weekend & it will be the longest I’ve ever spent with a guy in 12 fucking years! I am liking this guy too much… There are red flags everywhere, why has he been able to break down my barriers so easily & so rapidly? Probably because he’s such a smooth talker…

On Easter Friday I am at my families house, he says that he’s going to come over about 7:00 pm, I had in my head that it’d be a little earlier than that so when I get home, I clean my house. I am always conscious of that fact that my house is apparently “too clean” as per Noodle but I mean this is who I am, I can’t be anything different from who I am. I hope that Noddy doesn’t use that I’m too clean against me, he’s already told me I have an eye for interior design, a few times actually…

He comes over & we have a few drinks watching Revenge again, he’s been so invested in it, asking me what is happening every night that I watch it. When we’re kissing on the couch, he goes down on me, which is so fucking good, it actually surprises me that a guy so young who’s had the same girlfriend for the last 8 years, but I’m happy that he is good at it. But I sit up, once I’ve cum & he looks alarmed, I kiss him & tell him that I want him to take me into my bedroom & tie to the bed & do what he wants. A smile quickly spreads across his face, I mean what guy could ever say no to that…

After we fuck & I cum & cum, he cums too, I realise that he’s not very cuddly after sex, usually jumping up to dispose of the condom then gets dressed going out for a smoke. This is when I usually like a cuddle. I lay there & look at my phone, I jump in the chat room & see a comment to me which I reply too. Noddy then jumps in & says “Damn, Why are you awake gorgeous girl” I say that I tried but couldn’t sleep so he says “Bahaha… well… Cuddle someone amazing… and sleep bitch hahaha” That’s about when he comes into my room laughing. Demon then says “Eww, stop being cute guys” so obviously he’s told her that he’s at my house. Noddy says “Never I’m a cute cunt” & Demon posts a picture of Antione Dodson (for those who don’t know who he is, it’s a YouTube video from a few years ago. I’ll post it so you can see, it’s hilarious!) Noddy doesn’t know who he is so I show his this video.

I show Noddy the video & we literally laugh our heads off while entwined with each other. He starts posting the lyrics in the group but then I decide to go to sleep, so I say goodnight, Demon tells Noddy “Look after her” & I smile, putting down my phone, knowing she is not a threat or anything I should be jealous of. She’s a proper girl code chick, these 2 are just friends. Noddy does the same, putting his phone on the bed next to him & rolling over to cuddle into my back, he spoons me so well… It’s been so long since I’ve been spooned & I fucking hate that I like it!

The next day we laze around in bed. I wake up a million times to him either snoring, talking in his sleep or because I’m hot because he’s too close, being that his phone has half my king sized bed. We toss & turn taking it in turns to spoon each other. I always find it weird when I spoon him that my head is like halfway down his back. I contemplate telling him we should go for a run, exercise or something, but I just want morning sex, which I get. He gets straight up & makes a coffee & makes me a tea then goes out for a smoke.

When he comes back we have sex again… I mean I can’t help it… When we get up I cook him breakfast of bacon & eggs… I have bought bread rolls, which I don’t eat on my carb free diet & so he says that I’m a legend for getting them for him… Yeah I am stupid, I do things like this then feel stupid, like buying him cans of coke I drink sugar free lemonade so don’t usually stock coke in my fridge. We sit around on the couch all day, as it gets later, I keep thinking we should go exercise or something, we’ve been talking about it, so why not… He says he wants to help me. But I don’t, I stay in my nighty thing while he heads out smoking. Some reason we’re talking about how many times we’ve fucked & I say “Who’s keeping count” He’s almost out the door so he turns & bobs a bit putting up his hand & says “Yo” I literally burst out laughing… Fuck I am so attracted to someone that can make me laugh with this kind of banter! Damn you Noddy for breaking down these walls! FUCK.

About 3:00 pm or so, he comes inside & says “I’m going to have to go shithead”, I don’t even know what to say, he was supposed to stay here tonight too… I can’t hide my disappointment, I can’t stand it when people bail. I ask what’s happened & he says that he just got a call to say his mum was in a car accident. FUCK. I tell him to go, that’s fine. I do say that he can come back if everything is ok & he says “really?”, I say of course being that I was planning him being there anyway so I am not doing anything. I hope his mum is ok & he leaves to go to the hospital. I have to say that the cynic side in me doesn’t really believe his story, I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I never heard him on the phone & it conveniently happened while he was outside… Fuck there is something wrong with me… I can’t help but think this shit!!

Later he texts me when he knows his mum is ok & I say that he can come back to see me, I tell him that he’s welcome to bring his weed (not that I am into that, but I know that he is & wonder if that is a reason he doesn’t stay. Max used to smoke weed at my house, so whatever) & just chill with me & a few drinks. He says that he’d really like to be there – I don’t think that he will come back, but the offer is there – it’s a lot of petrol to & from my house. But to my surprise, he gets back to my place about 7:00 pm that night. We have dinner, that I cook, healthy salad & meat & just relax on the couch. He smokes his weed so I think that makes him happier & more relaxed… He tells me that this is the healthiest he’s eaten in a while too. He tells me

We go to bed & have sex again, I swear to god, I can’t wait to not use condoms with this guy. I am getting my pap smear in a few weeks, where I’ll have a STI check, following all the drama with Noodle’s partner blaming me for her STI… Just another check to make sure I am ok still – it’s been about 6 months since my last STI check & time for my next pap smear so may as well do it again since the dr will be up there… I am planning to ask him to get a check & then we can have unprotected sex… I hate the disruption of putting on a condom. I wonder if he is going to be ok with that conversation, it basically means we’ll be exclusive… But I’m not ready to call him my boyfriend but I’m ready to say that we’re not fucking anyone else…

#IBD4U

So I’ve mentioned Rob Rob a lot throughout my stories, he’s always in my messages chatting to me sporadically, he’s been chatting to me again, but again always on his terms, when he’s free & when he can chat. Then he disappears for days coming back to say that he’s trying to be good & not be online – if you remember he is actually married. However I always fall in the trap of having phone sex with him over the chat app or texting him pictures of me in lingerie. I don’t know how I get wrapped up in this guy. I guess he’s the only real dominant man in my life that sets me tasks or makes me do things I don’t really want to do but they turn me. I really need a proper dominant partner!

We’re chatting one day as usual & he asks me to add him to my kink chat app group but I say no & change the subject. Firstly if he wanted to be in it, he could just find it, he knows how to use the app, he doesn’t need me to add him… But now the shoe is on the other foot, hahaha, I don’t want to add him to the group because I know that there a chicks in the group that would message him & he’d get caught up in their sexting & he’d forget about me. What a fucking turn around! So messed up!

One day I’m driving home, he starts messaging, I’m home early from work & he’s being suggestive so I say that he should come over, he says he wants too & really if he got in the car when he started suggesting it, he could’ve made it to my house, fucked me & then got home all before his wife, without being suspicious. However he doesn’t. I get home, get naked & video chat with him while we both cum – me more times than him, as I am told too. Again after that he disappears.

When he comes back we chat a bit, I try not to reply straight away, but I am always free when he messages, it fucks me off. One afternoon, I’m having some man trouble, with Noddy & Rob Rob just tells me to message him & stop the bullshit… It’s not my bullshit. I don’t get why this guy has suddenly changed…. But then Rob Rob asks me what I’m wearing. Next minute I’m sharing my erotica fiction – scene one – Nipple Bells while clipping on my nipple clamps & sticking a vibe between my legs while he tells me to video myself cumming. I am waiting for permission to cum as he is off doing something else as fucking usual, he’s not paying attention to me while I’m cumming for him. I tell him that he missed out because I already came. He says he was reading my story but I don’t think that’s entirely true as the messages sit at sending for a while.

I do as I’m told he tells me I’m a good girl then tells me to cum again. I ask if I can take the nipple clamps off which he lets me. I’m thankful, I was using another vibe on the nipple clamps, which turns me on even more but they were beginning to hurt. He makes me cum for him 3 more times in a 20 minute period then asks if he gives me a task would I do it? I say of course. But when he asks for me to fuck someone tonight, I know I can’t do it. I don’t want just random sex with a loser guy, I want to have regular sex with a guy. Doesn’t have to be my boyfriend but just someone regular, someone who isn’t trying to fuck everyone!

Later that day usually he’s offline as soon as he gets what he wants, so I’m surprised he’s chatting to me most of the night – where is his wife? I guess, mainly because he wants me to find someone to fuck tonight & video it, which I am not that keen on right now. As if a random guy would want to video us having sex?! He asks what I’m doing & I say that I’m watching TV & writing, he asks what I’m writing but I avoid the question, just like I do with every guy when I tell them I am writing (Why do I ever tell them that I am writing? I have told Noddy I’m a writer too!? Of course they ask what. I just say that I’m a freelance writer for some blogs about health, beauty, travel & love. Hahaha.) I don’t want them to know that I am writing a blog about them, I mean this guy is even has a couple of posts & is mentioned a fair bit… But he asks me again to I tell him. I end up telling him that I have a blog, I am not sure why I do. He asks to what it’s about & when I tell him he asks to read it. I tell him that he’s in it, which he doesn’t seem to mind. He says that the stories will turn him on because he’s heard about them as they were happening, since we used to chat a lot, I used to tell him about the guys I was fucking, I’m pretty sure he’s been one of the only guys that didn’t act jealous when I told him about the guys I was fucking. Guys say they don’t get jealous & want to hear about it but then they act weird. Rob Rob may get jealous wishing things were different, I guess, but he never acts weird about it.

He starts reading my blog & tells me that I’m a good writer (I hope so! Hahaha) & it was good for him to read his post. He starts to get worried people will know who he is, but honestly, it’s only obvious to him because he’s reading about himself. No one else will ever know, I try to be as respectful as I can to the guys I write about, it’s not entirely their fault it didn’t work out with me.

The next day Rob Rob calls me on the way to work to chat, we chat about the blog & the stuff going on in my dating life right now. He tries to get me to meet him for lunch as he’s home from work, but I say no as it’s my day in the office, however when my boss isn’t at work that day I suggest we meet for lunch as I can leave the office but he then he says no, I should wait to see what happens tonight… WTF? I don’t think I will ever understand men!

I’m also a little surprised though but also a little chuffed when he tells me that he considers us to be friends, bound by kink. I mean I agree, but I never thought he would say that to me! I guess these douchy dominate guys don’t come across to have a heart like they really do sometimes. I mean I was always the same with Noodle, when he said he loved me, I never thought those words would come out of his mouth!

#IBD4U

The next morning I wake up at 5:00 am, I can’t sleep. WHAT THE ACTUAL FACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?! I toy with the idea of deleting Noddy, Demon & the guy she’s fucking (though it turns out Noddy had the wrong dude! So I would’ve deleted the wrong guy Hahaha.) But I decide not too, I calm down a bit & decide that I need to find out what happened… I actually chat to Rob Rob about it ironically, yes I’ve been chatting to him again, he’s always around, he tells me to give the guy a chance, to find out his side of the story, maybe he didn’t get lost for 3 hours with Demon? Because that’s what I think happened… My mind goes weird places sometimes… Maybe he did try to find me, but then why wouldn’t he message?

I decide to write him a message when out to brunch with my friend “Hey, what the hell happened to you last night?!” I wait with baited breath for his reply with comes 20 minutes later “Heya, was gonna ask you the same thing, you just disappeared after I went down for a smoke, I came back up & your friend said you were playing pool, but I couldn’t find you” Why didn’t he text me then? “You realise that was like 3 hours apart you going for a smoke & me playing pool? I was actually waiting for you to come back up for ages” Like really Noddy? “Fk… I didn’t… Not at all, I’m sorry, time isn’t my strong suit. Hahaha especially when drinking. You should’ve message me… like oi dick come back…” Yeah he’s right, I should’ve text him but he should’ve come back without me having to be a nagging wife… “I just assumed if you wanted to hang with me, you’d come back I’m not going to beg you. You also turned me on quite a lot, I was actually going to ask you to come home with me, I’d already kinda decided that earlier but was trying to be good, but then you were kissing my shoulders… mmmm… oh well” I hope he realises what he gave up last night “That’s fair, I feel heaps bad… I just get sidetracked so easy when I drink.. Fuck… You have no idea how much I adored you last night… You looked stunning… I’m sorry I missed that opportunity, I’ll make it up to you. Well I want to.” We chat about it & realise that we both should’ve done different things that night, He understands why I am disappointed & he says that he’s genuinely sorry he missed me in Rope. I tell him it’s ok, I do rope for me so it doesn’t matter if he missed it. He reads it & never replies the rest of the day but chats in the group… WTF dude… I don’t understand this guy sometimes.

The next day again he chats in the group but not to me – again, sending pics of him working on cars & whatnot, so I take matters into my own hand, I am done with games. Either this guy is into me, or not. Doddy says he thinks I became victim of weed, losing track of time, so I think I need to see what this guys deal is – Doddy also gives me snaps for being so bold to message Noddy first. I message & ask if he is free to watch a movie at my house after my family dinner. It’s Sunday night so I don’t expect much to happen, I have the next day off, so I don’t mind if it’s a bit later, but I know he’ll have to work tomorrow about an hour from my house. He says “Hell yes” that he wants to come over. I tell him about 8:30 pm – 9:00 pm that my family will be gone, I send him my address but tell him that I will message him when they are leaving. They start packing up at 7:50 pm, it’s earlier than usual for school holidays so I message him, knowing the drive is about 45 minutes to my house. He tells me that he’s already on his way & was just going to park somewhere so he was here as early as possible… OMG that’s so fucking cute!

He gets to my house & I offer him a drink, he can’t decide what he wants but I tell him can have anything from my bar he wants, I have also bought cans of coke while at the shop for him – like some kind of loser that I am. He finally decides & we watch ‘Suicide Squad’ because the next Switch theme is Gotham & I haven’t ever seen a batman movie, which no one can believe… We cuddle on the couch but my back has been heaps sore lately that I get uncomfortable, so we move a bit then we end putting on ‘The Dark Knight’ but don’t watch it all because he kisses me, we get naked, well I am in sexy lingerie for him – which he probably doesn’t deserve, but I want to show him who I really am. He doesn’t take it off me, because I think he likes what he sees, he goes down on me which is so good, when he slips his fingers in me, I am scared I’m going to squirt so because we’re on the couch, I ask to take this to the bedroom which he agrees.

He goes down on me again, & he’s a lot better than I think he’s going to be, I cum quite hard enjoying the pleasure that I haven’t had from another guy in a few months. I push him down on the bed & suck his cock, knowing I won’t be able to get this in my mouth, but I try to take it all, he seems to enjoy it but doesn’t make a lot of noise. I climb on top of him kiss his neck, which he seems to love… He shivers the whole time but I want him inside me. He then flips over so he’s on top of me again, asking for a condom, I pull one out, he slides it on & I brace myself. But he fits inside me well, I’m surprised his giant long cock doesn’t hurt me – very surprised. He fucks me well, making me cum before he says “I’m not gonna lie, I just came” I giggle & say that’s ok, I’ve already cum so it was ok & he’d gone down on me for ages, making me cum multiple times.

We lie around talking, cuddling for so long, I lay on top of him kissing his neck which when I rub my hands through his hair, he gets goose bumps all over, I get that he likes it so I keep doing it… When he’s had enough, I look at the clock it’s almost 2:00 am. I want to ask if he’s staying but I also don’t want him to think I am trying to kick him out, I do want him to stay over but I also don’t want to be too eager. So I finally build up the courage & he says he should go, but doesn’t move, we keep lying there chatting & I just say to him “Turn off the bloody light” with a giggle, which he does & we snuggle down to sleep. It’s been so long since I slept with someone all night, it was so good. I actually don’t sleep well with someone in my bed but I do like him there. I am sort of sleeping when his alarm starts going off, we cuddle closer & he says “Good Morning Gorgeous” & I wonder what the fuck my face & hair looks like right now. We kind of close our eyes but his phone keeps going off. I want sex so we start kissing & have some hot morning sex before we get up. We talk a little bit more during sex, as I notice us loosening up with each other, where we do connect. He gets up & gets dressed but says he doesn’t want to go, knowing that I don’t have to work today. He says that he should call in sick, I say yeah call in sick & giggle knowing that he should go to work, I tell him to go. But he takes ages to piss fart around before he actually leaves.

He messages me later in the morning to wish me luck for my day, knowing that I have a job interview & I thank him for that. He knows that if I get this job, I will have to buy a car, he’s offered to come look at the car with me, being that he’s a mechanic. I am stupidly excited about this, I know I said I didn’t want a relationship, but this is a very boyfriendy thing to do & I feel myself soften to him even more. Later we talk about a 50’s housewife & he googles dresses to send to me in my signature colours, I think it’s hilarious but also adorable. We arrange for him to come over the following Wednesday after work & I almost can’t wait to see him again.

During the week though, he tells me that he’s got some bad news, I wonder what it is but I don’t want to pry. He tells me that one of his mates was beaten up by her partner. Having been though a domestic violent situation with my friend recently, I understand how it affects those around it too, because you think about the things you should of done, the signs etc. I offer him advice & let him know that I have been though a similar thing recently, I don’t talk about it much but I feel like he needs to know that I can empathise with him. He says that his friend is in the hospital & he’s going to feed her animals. This guy is so busy, he’s got so much going on, but yet he still makes time for me, he still makes me feel special. I am so glad he’s this type of friend, because it’s the same as me… I would do anything for my friends, anytime that they ask me.

#IBD4U

A reader brought to my attention some show’s coming up at the Fringe soon & it promoted me to write this blog, not really about dating but I guess about kink – in a way – which also seems to be the number one question from my readers, always asking about kink. I am no expert, but I am more than happy to share what I know. However, the fringe for those who don’t know is a festival every year in Mad March in Adelaide. But interestingly, I had been to this fringe show that my reader suggested.

Adelaide is a small city but in March everything is in Adelaide. We have The Fringe – a festival with comedy, dance art etc events. We have a car race called Clipsal 500 – a 4 day car racing event in the streets of Adelaide, we have WOMAdelaide – A 4 day music & dance festival in the park, We have the Adelaide Festival – a festival of other arts such as dance, opera, plays etc. There is also Writers week – which involves a program of events to showcase writers. Now I believe from my research on this matter, there is now Tasting Australia at the end of March 2020 – which is for foodies… No wonder the rest of the year we are in hibernation.

So my little home town comes alive in March & the weather is usually hot, it’s just a great time to be in Adelaide. Little summer pop up food trucks & bars come out of the wood works, it’s just a great place to be… If you’re not from here & looking for a visit, I suggest March for a visit here. It’s amazing. The garden of unearthly delights is the best atmosphere & random shows are always a good laugh!

Anyway, back to my lovely reader suggestion. She sent me though the Adult only bubble show & said that I should go as they boast that they are a kinky show! OOOH… intriguing for a gal like me, right?! However I actually went to this show in 2019! Hahaha!

So the display picture for the show is a stripper heel, you know the black patent leather strappy platform – that to be perfectly honest with you, looks like it’s seen better days (why wouldn’t they get a brand new shoe for a promo poster?!) It’s an upside down foot & shoe, there is a piece of string around the heel, so one would assume that the woman is lying down using the string to being the foot up towards her… with 2 bubbles on the string that’s pulling the hell… There is a big bubble on the sole of the shoe… The lighting is dark with a purple background. it actually looks pretty cool but I am studying the picture now to describe it & it’s looking more & more tacky! Hahaha.

The event blurb:

“Mix one part physical theatre, one part bubble artistry and one part neo-burlesque, and you get a soapy concoction of kinky, in-your-face theatrics. A raucous and raunchy affair with a surprising story arc full of abstractness and the slightly grotesque, a surreal performative experience that wonderfully showcases the technical prowess of bubble art on a first-class level. Every bubble trick in the book shown in the naughtiest way possible.”

(https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/bubble-show-for-adults-only-af2020?venue=166%3A865)

It sounds so fun, right… For a self proclaimed kinky chick like me, it sounds like it’d be right up my ally. An hour long kink show for only $20 (As I’m a member!) Yep this is something I need to go too.

A couple of friends, the couple I met at the Play party & went to Maslin Beach with were the ones who suggested it, I buy the tickets & one extra for my other friend & we head out to the Garden (As it’s called for locals) to see this show. I am actually excited, I have been to Rope shows before as you know. When I went with Milky I was mesmerized. I went to other shows as I got more & more into Rope as you know so I thought this would also wow me.

This show, while amazing what they do with bubbles was not kinky nor was it at all risque. I mean when the woman took off her bikini top, they covered her in bubbles then she quickly ran off stage & had a different costume on – so you didn’t even see boob or nipple really… I would expect nudity at a kink show. The show is dripping with innuendo & sexual themes, but it’s not really what I would call kinky… Definitely R18+ because they do have a lot of innuendo, (plus they do do a kids show, this one is adults only) but not what I would call a kink. I guess unless bubbles get you off!

I may be desensitised to kink perhaps, with all the things I have seen, done & experienced in the past few years to really find this a kinky show, while I enjoyed it, laughed a lot & really was thinking “How the fuck do they do that with bubbles?” I didn’t really think it should be given a kinky tagline.

I think if anyone is looking for a show this year in 2020, they should see this, it was a great show! I am not at all saying it was shit (like some shows I have seen over the years) This was a great show, they are supremely talented with bubbles & I was intrigued the whole show. But just don’t go expecting it to be kinky… I mean I am not sure what I was thinking it would be like, but maybe like I said I am just too close to kink now…

If anyone goes to see it this year, it’s about $25 or cheaper if you’re a member, please let me know what you think! Or if there are other kinky shows I should go too, let me know!

#IBD4U

On the morning before date 2, Noddy messages me to say “Good morning gorgeous” & to tell me that he’s sick… OMG not this old chestnut! Origin was synonymous for this, always waiting till the day of our date bailing… I feel like Noddy is setting this up so he can bail on me! However Noddy says that he hopes it’s nothing because he wants to see me tomorrow night. I say “I hope you feel better” after he says to me “Hope you have a great day today” almost cutting off the conversation, which he reads then never replies too – righto!

When he starts chatting to me again later in the day he tells me later that he was overthinking that I didn’t want to chat to him… I mean he was the one who kind of ended the conversation, so I don’t know where he got that, but he finally messages me hours later, to see how my day was. I always refuse to write to them if they read my message & don’t reply. I never not reply to messages – I try to think of something to say, so why do they do it to me?

Later that night he has me in absolute fits of laughter when he tells me he has a walk in robe, he sends a picture of it & I say that’s just a fucking cupboard – not a walk in robe, so he sends me a picture of him standing in his actual cupboard! Fucking hell I laugh so hard at that… This guy is just so funny, with those type of one liners. I like this banter, the funny jokes! I like that he can make jokes, but is still quite mature.

The next day as I get ready for work, I do so as if I am going to see him tonight but also feeling like a fuckwit knowing that he is going to bail because he’s set up the sick card & broken toe card to play, he’s got a cold & a broken toe. He’s also been talking about coming to Switch on Friday night – so if he does he’ll see me then anyway, maybe a mid week date is too much? I toy with the idea of inviting to come to my house prior & come in with me & my friends. but I decide not to. But strangely enough, he doesn’t bail tonight – I had told him to get vitamins, he said he had but who knows if he actually did. That same day in the group it’s “Wangs out Wednesday” & Noddy shares 2 dick pics… Not my favourite thing, being that I don’t like to see them before I’ve seen them in really life but when I see it, I think fucking hell that’s a very long dick, I have no idea how that will fit inside me! You all know I don’t like a big dick because they usually hurt me & now I’m scared to fuck this guy…

10 minutes before I finish work, I ask where he is & he says “I’m almost there but you said 8:30 pm” I say it’s all good, I was just wondering if he was waiting for me to message him. I drive past the restaurant, twice but it’s closed, so I go to the local pub & message him to tell him I’m there waiting. He arrives & kisses me on the cheek sitting down, we order dinner & drinks which he pays for again, but at least both times, I’ve been able to pay for the second round. I wonder if this guy realises that he doesn’t have to pay for everything, that I probably earn about $400 a week more than he earns plus I have a work car. (I’ve kind of worked that out from what he’s said about his pay, not a judgement, I couldn’t care less what he earns, just as long as he works!)

We talk easily for a few hours over 2 drinks, I say that we should’ve cancelled tonight being that he’s going to come to Switch but he tells me that he wanted to see me. Awwww, that’s so cute. I did want to see him more before Switch because I am worried about what it’ll be like, I mean we haven’t even kissed yet. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to come to Switch but I can’t say no… I also let him know that I am being tied up at Switch & he says that he can’t wait to see it. I can’t wait to show him either. I have picked some lingerie & a skirt that I am wearing, I am getting my makeup done again so just have to do my hair. I am pretty excited, I have thought about inviting Noddy back to my house after switch if things go well & I will drop him home in the morning.

During the few days between our dinner & Switch, he is writing to me about another friend who seems to have noticed in the group we’ve dated, so I ask if he’s told him, he says no he didn’t tell him but on Friday night they will all know anyway. Says he doesn’t think they will have to ask (assuming he’s going to kiss me finally!) but then he oddly says “She said she has a fat ass. I said it’s ok, I’ll help you work it off. I’m good at helping. She’s knows I run & my times & distance. So she said but you’re too fast for me” I think what the actual fuck?! Who is that too? That is basically word for word what I just wrote to him… What is he doing? I ask & he says that he’s been talking to Demon, she asked how it was going with me. I am fine with him chatting to others but unsettled that he’s basically sending her word for word account of what I said… I mean I shouldn’t be surprised, he did send me screenshots of what the other chick said to him & I saw on his other chat to Doddy that he sent a screenshot of how he asked me out the first time. I am ok with her but I am taken back to the time with Noodle being friends with the chick Max kissed at Switch that one time… Noodle was good friends with her & told her a lot about me… This is the part I don’t like, I don’t want people to know everything about me… Noddy tells me that Demon encourages him heaps about me, which I appreciate. But I am always skeptical. I know that chick that Max had kissed offer her virginity to Noodle when they first started chatting, so I am jaded of peoples intentions I guess on the chat app.

My friends & I get to Switch & Noddy is already there with Demon. Well right, that was unexpected… I know they’re friends but he didn’t tell me & also didn’t tell me he was wearing an outfit borrowed from her – I hate that that makes me jealous! Noddy & I kiss & chat a bit, it’s the first time we’ve kissed, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to kiss him because of his teeth, but I do find this guy attractive… The first floor show goes on & then Ripples takes me over to tie me up but everyone disappears, I get tied & its over when I see Noddy come up & sit down to watch, but then he gets up & walks off, I thought he wanted to see this? By the time he comes back with a drink for me, I am back in my shoes & skirt & really disappointed. He can tell, I can’t hide it. I know I do rope for me, but I wanted him to see what I enjoy. I tell him it’s ok but I can’t hide my disappointment, not just of him but all of my friends, they all went outside smoking & didn’t see any of it. I try to change my face to be happy, but I am really upset. FUCK I hate that I do this… Why I can’t I just be happy? He stands behind me kissing my shoulders & turning me on, that I melt, yes I am going to invite this guy home with me tonight! I hope he says yes… He kisses & touches me though out the whole next show, that I forget that he didn’t see me get tied up, he seems genuinely disappointed that he didn’t get to see it, he says that he wished he did. After the show finishes, he kisses me & says that he’s just going outside for a cigarette. I watch others get tied & some wax play, some other impact play, but as I walk around the nightclub all night waiting for Noddy to come back up, I never see him again that night!

I go downstairs & play pool before my friends take me home, after a couple of friends leave my house, I start crying to my friend. So unlike me, since I said the L word with Noodle, I can’t stop crying now! Hahaha… I can’t believe that Noddy never came back to see me, he told me how much he wants me but then disappeared for 3 hours. In hindsight, I probably should’ve gone downstairs to the beer garden & dragged his ass back up, but I didn’t… I didn’t even message to say goodbye but I’m also angry that he hasn’t messaged to ask me where I am!

WTF, we’re both acting like idiots…

#IBD4U

Abs is in the groups I’m in on the chat app for a while before I finally allow him to chat to me privately. I am very funny about private messaging people but that is how I got in to trouble with Noodle. I am also not convinced when a man doesn’t show his face on the app that they aren’t single.

He tells me that he’s been waiting for me to private message him & that he’s gotten a message from my friend, which I knew she would message him as she messages everyone new to the group, plus he has a hot picture up of his body & abs. I tell him that I will leave him for her as we’re in different stages of life, I am not wanting to just fuck anyone, I know my friend is just keen to have sex & this guy is probably looking for just sex. However he said that he wants me & he won’t fuck her. I tell him about myself as he asks, telling him that I’m a little kinky & love my job plus I do a lot of exercise. He says that I sound like fun! He’s a couple of years younger, says he’s single with no kids & has a huge sex drive… Ding Ding Ding!

I tell him that I’ve been going to rope classes every week & really getting into that. I send him some of my less erotic rope pics, literally me in gym gear at class & explain why I deem trust the number one thing when thinking about getting kinky with someone.

We start by sharing pictures & I start to let my guard down a bit with him – maybe he isn’t so bad, showing him my other kink & that is lingerie. I got obsessed with it when I was with Noodle, I’ve yet to find a man who’s eyes pop out their head like his did when they see me in lingerie.

I find out that he lives miles away from me, in the northern hills of Adelaide. I’m a southern chick near the beach that I realise, this probably won’t work out. However I find myself telling him my real job, not sales rep like I usually tell everyone & I suggest a drink halfway on the weekend to see if we click & then we can see where it goes. I say something about fucking on his desk but he says he has about 40 employees & suggest my desk, but I work in an open office. He asks me to turn up to the weekend drink in a trench coat. This is a fantasy I’ve wanted to do for a while, I wanted to do it with Noodle but I always thought we’d have more time, so I never bought a trench coat. That fucking time bullshit… I always thought we’d have more of it… Always.

I send Abs a lot more lingerie pictures, loving the reaction from him, it’s been a while since I get this kind of reaction. Crows didn’t really care about lingerie when I wore it & I haven’t been with anyone multiple times for them to deserve me in lingerie. This guy seems to appreciate it & even says that he used to buy Honey Birdette for his ex. I show him some of my Honey Birdette. I also shop online for a trench coat, finding a cheap one at Cotton on with free postage, I purchase it thinking that this little fantasy might not be with the guy I thought it would be with, but I will get it at least. Another way to distract myself from thinking about Noodle.

It’s later at night when I get home in my gym gear, he asks me to show him what I’m wearing, which I do & then he tells me to take it off. I am already in my underwear so I take a picture of myself. Then between me hitting send & his reply, my friend something about him to me on the chat app & how they are chatting… WTF?! He said he wasn’t going to chat to her…! I feel like a fucking fool. I write “Well I’m sorry I sent that because I feel like a fool for trusting you… & now even more foolish for sending pics” (Nothing I hate more than feeling like a fool, Noodle made me feel like a fool!) he says that he doesn’t understand but I considering just ghosting him, but I’m trying to change my karma… I don’t want to be that person, I have it done to me enough, maybe that’s why I am ghosted, because I treated someone bad in the past? You all know that these men are not all at fault, I play a part in the failures just as much as they do.

So I decide to write back “So you know… I trusted you, you said you weren’t chatting to anyone (especially my friend) & I let my guard down, PMed you, sent pics which I never do! You would have seen I said no to PMing last night… I’m very different to my friend, I need to trust inexplicably to do what I want sexually, I’m not looking for a quick one off fuck…” I am so sick of people trying to fuck everyone… Don’t they want someone they can get to know? “I didn’t ever say I wasn’t chatting to anyone… I chat to a lot of people. I don’t know what I’m after… drinks & a meal with someone, blowjobs & a movie with someone else, three ways with someone else, I’m up for anything but I’m not going to limit myself to just one option…” Ok, so I guess that answered my question. “Well I don’t care what anyone does with others, except like I said even though it was a bit of a joke, I do want to be the priority with a guy for a change & I care about my friendships with people on here.” My friendships mean more to me than a random guy… Plus I do want to be the priority for a fucking change… I never am, I don’t know what it is about me that guys don’t want to prioritise me, but they just don’t! “Ok… I didn’t mean to upset you my apologies. Just to be clear I’d love to keep chatting & meet up, but I’m going to be chatting to other people too.” I mean I can’t really be angry about that or his honesty, I mean I was chatting to other people even when I was in love with Noodle, so I can’t expect anything less from a stranger. “Yeah I don’t expect exclusivity. Lets not get carried away… However just don’t spin me bullshit about not talking to my friend then talk to her behind my back. I expect honesty because like I said, what I like to do in the bedroom requires a lof of trust & not just a one off fuck.” Hours later he writes back “Hope you’ve had a good night.” I delete him, what the fuck. I am sick of stupid games.

A month later, Abs comes back into my chat room & then PM’s me. We’d chatted in the room so he says that he thought I hated him. I never said I hated him, I mean I don’t even know the guy to be honest. I was just pissed about what happened. I tell him that I feel like an idiot, an idiot for buying a tench coat for when I met him too, He can’t believe that I did, I can’t believe that I did either. He asks me out for dinner & drinks but he’s been chatting to my friend the whole time that I don’t want a guy to come between me & our friendship, so she can have him. He says that she started the conversation & he wasn’t going to say go away. I agree, he can talk to whoever he wants, but I am also going to bow out. He tells me that he thinks I am awesome & that he wants to catch up but I am not letting a guy come between him & I.

We basically stop chatting after that, I get that I am hard work for this guy, he lives far away anyway but he’s obviously doesn’t understand what I am trying to say here about my friendship.

Looking back, now on this story, lets be fair to this guy, he didn’t tell me he wasn’t talking to my friend, all he said is that he wouldn’t fuck her…I just assumed he’d stop talking to her… That’s what I wanted. I want an exclusive friends with benefits…. WTF is an exclusive FWB if not a boyfriend?! Fuck I’m so confused at what I want…

#IBD4U

The next day I write back to Noddy & explain again that I just don’t want to be just one of the many, it’s not what I want. I want open, honest communication whether it’s serious or casual relationship. He tells me that he was up all night thinking about me & even wrote me a song… (He’s also a budding song writer! Mainly hip hop rap type stuff but he used to be in a heavy metal band.) I am driving when I see the notification come up on my watch saying he’s written me a song… I look out the windows & then in the mirror on the visor & say out loud to myself like a freak in a movie “I don’t know how I feel about that!” Then I sort of laugh – yeah while diving by myself! I mean I haven’t even met this guy yet, we’ve only chatted a couple of days so far, it’s like surreal, no guy has ever written me a song before!

He screenshots it & sends it to me, it’s time stamped of last being edited was 2:56 am, so I know he’s not all full of shit…

Lady.

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

 

See there’s this girl

They call her lady bug

In the street ya wanna hug

See all the men

That wanna give her love.

She shuts herself off

Her heart is like a dove

Pure and clean

She could never be mean

The girl of your dreams

She’s so perfectly clean

When I talk to her man

I feel like it’s a dream

But they call her lady love

The one lady bug

 

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

 

Words can’t describe

My feelings inside

Felt I fucked it up

Now I wanna hide

Wanna fix it all

Take her for a ride

Not the sexy kind

I’m talking drive through the night

Sunrise, sunset

She’s the one I gotta her

So I wrote this song

So she knows

I want her all along…

Well that’s fucking cute as fuck… I actually can’t believe that worked on me! Hahaha… But it does… When he invites me out for lunch & a drink on Saturday afternoon, his treat, no pressure, I find myself saying yes. I’m also chatting to a friend Doddy (Yes they have matching names, Noddy has a man crush on Doddy!) who’s in the group too who’s in a relationship with my other friend, the one from the story Middle Aged Backpacker & he tells me that Noddy has been talking to him because he’s not sure what to do, he tells me that Noddy told him that he liked talking to others but wanted me. My friend told him to “Make a choice & stick to it either be a single player that’s not hurting anyone or commit to a girl & see where it goes.” (Good advice!)

Doddy also knows about the song so tells me that it wasn’t a generic song, you can’t just write those lines & change the name, unless it was for a Doug… He also shows me a screenshot from Noody that says “Well… I took the leap, asked her out for a late lunch & drink on sat… See how I go” Doddy says to him “Good. now be a gentleman or deal with me” Noddy tells him “After the other day, you have no fear of that haha” Doddy shows me another message from Noddy when I say yes to lunch “…Fk yeah buddy, she said yeah.. Woop woop. Haha.” I can’t help but smile, realising that this guy is actually into me.

Later that day Noddy & I are talking as usual, he chats a lot even though he’s at work – I’m not sure how he does that considering he’s a mechanic. Later in the evening though, he tells me that he wants to be honest with me, I’m worried about this honestly, I am not ready to be completely honest with him, so I brace myself “I don’t want to be a sooky cunt & get sympathy, but 3 weeks ago… I tried to hang myself because of the break up. Ended up in hospital. I’m working past it & realising that I am meant to be here for a greater purpose. So I’m gonna see where life takes me. If the wind blows me in your direction my lady, I will float that way. Hahaha. Philosophical shit” Wowsers! He tried to kill himself when she cheated on him (I’m no stranger to this stunt!) & fuck only 3 weeks ago… Major red flags here… This is too soon for him to be dating… Really way too soon! This is either going to hurt me or be completely fucked… What if I don’t like him? What if I do then I realise he’s not ready for me? He tells me that he is ready & he’s ok, he’s working through it… I mean here I am a year later still in love with someone who was a complete ass to me, how could this guy be over his ex in 4 weeks & over the issues that caused him to try to commit suicide. FUCK!

I feel like I can’t back out now, I have already told this guy I would meet him, so I go through with it… He suggests a Mexican place (knowing Mexican is my favourite) in the central markets at about 1:00 pm. I wanted somewhere with easy parking, but I don’t try to change where he picked, he obviously googled it & found a decent place for lunch. Also it’s nice to have a guy pick where we’re going to eat, I’m usually so dominant in life that I kind of like it when a guy takes charge.

I’m at home waiting to hear that he’s on his way, when he actually tells me at 12:50 pm that he’s just parking. FUCK I’m still at home. I’m ready but I’m 30 mins away so I jump in the car & leg it into the city. I get there & the markets are packed, the car park is packed, but I swindle a decent park, walking quickly to the Mexican restaurant. I hate when people keep me waiting, so I hate that I have done this to him! I have no idea where it is so I message & ask him. He explains where it is, but I get so fucking lost, I have no idea where I am in this place & it’s mentally busy, I am looking at my phone when I look up & I see him walking towards me, he’s come to find me. He’s in a t-shirt & jeans with a thick silver chain around his neck, he has a green hat on backwards, he’s so skinny, he definitely looks like a white rapper. He’s a bit taller than me, not by heaps but I’m in heels, we hug hello & we walk back to the restaurant. We sit down at 1:45 pm for lunch & order, it comes out quickly. The conversation is easy, I can’t help but notice his teeth, they need a good clean at the dentist. The chipped tooth doesn’t bother me but the build-up of plaque is distracting. Otherwise I find him quite attractive, I do mentally envisage him is different clothes, I know he would look good done up a bit. But then I am reminded of the scene in Sex & the City when Miranda is buying Steve a suit… Remember that?! Plus I remember giving Boyfriend a makeover – made him better for someone else to have him…

Noddy is so easy to talk too, though I ask him more questions than he asks me & I find out that he left home at 13 years old, living by himself or on peoples couches. He’s got 15 brothers & sisters, all of them half siblings or step siblings, he talks about his nephew & how one of his sisters just had him but went off the rails on drugs so another sister has him at the moment. WOW, my life is so boring compared to him. I want to know more about why he left home at 13 being he still speaks so highly of him mum, but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to be too deep with him just yet – I also don’t want to dive too deeply into the ex chat, as I don’t want to have to tell him about Noodle especially since Noddy was just recently cheated on, I’m not sure how he’ll feel about that story. I am going to avoid that at all costs. Noddy also tells me that his name is not what is says on the chat app & he explains the story as to why, he gets called 2 names & I don’t know what to call him after that, but I pretty much call him his real name.

The restaurant closes at 3:00 pm, Noddy pays the bill, not allowing me to pay, just as the central markets close too, fuck this is the world’s shortest date. I don’t really want it to end just yet, I sense that he doesn’t either, but I could have this all wrong here, so I just decide to suggest a drink somewhere. He says that there’s a pub down the street so we walk to it but it’s closed. We try to google pubs close by but our phones come up with nothing. We walk back to the central markets to walk through them but we see a beer sign we both say that there must be a pub somewhere here so we find a pub that has happy hour from now until 6:00 pm so we have a beer each. They don’t have the carb free beer I usually drink so I feel like a fuck wit when I have to ask the bartender for a low carb beer… This guy knows I’m health conscious but I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. But the guy lets me try a few before I settle on one.

The conversation flows easily still over 2 beers, he tells me later that when I went to bathroom that he checked me out. Hahaha… We have a good afternoon, we hug, a tad awkwardly goodbye then he messaged the group with a picture of him by his car in the carpark before even messaging me… Weird huh? Why would he message the group saying he hopes everyone had as good a day as him? But not message me to say that? I mean he must know I’m going to see it?

He finally does message me (I of course refuse to message him first as my usual stubbornness kicks in, post any date) & we chat a bit, he says that he’s keen to see me again. I know I am busy the next weekend so I ask him if he wants to meet for dinner on Wednesday night, I have to work late so I suggest a place near my work that I want to try & I hear is good for a date night. He agrees to meet me.

The next night he kicks his toe & after an x-ray, he is diagnosed with broken little toe. I think this is his going to be his out to bail on our next date. We chat a lot & he sends me so many pictures, usually him shirtless or of his bruised toe. He has been respectful & not sent me a dick pic, which I appreciate! Finally a decent guy!

#IBD4U

I want to start this blog post by saying this is just my opinion! I am not giving advice nor do I think every situation is the same, but this is just my thoughts. Remember when I said this blog is my diary, well here are my unedited thoughts. Please don’t take offence if you don’t agree but let’s have a discussion about why. I’m not even sure that this is going to be clear for you or me… It’s clear in my head but as I put pen to paper (Or start typing on my computer) I don’t know if it is clear… But I want to try to explain my thoughts on what I was a part of with Noodle.

Having been online dating for more than a decade, I have seen my fair share of men & women online that are looking to cheat. As soon as you start to call them out on it, they always say “You don’t understand, it’s complicated” or “I’m not unhappy.” Noodle said the same. Crows said the same, hell even Rob Rob says the same. Yeah they’re right I don’t understand why someone would stay miserable with someone & hurt them rather than walk away before they do something they regret. I also don’t understand how you can be happy with someone but want to cheat on them. If I was with someone & I was happy with them, I would talk to them about the thoughts I’m having of cheating on them… I have obviously been the other woman before & let me tell you, the mistress also gets hurt. No one walks away alive after a cheating situation.

Regardless of children, I’ve always maintained that I would prefer that the parents break up & show their kids what true love actually is, rather than stay together for the children. People don’t understand the damage they are doing to the children but staying together. A friend once said to me, “Imagine how the kid will feel – Oh you stayed unhappy because of me?” I actually feel that way about my parents to be honest & it’s not a good feeling. I was in my early 20’s when my dad cheated on my mum, however I did have a relationship after that then nothing ever since, I was hurt by the shit that went down when that happened in my family & then hurt when Boyfriend basically left me & shacked up with another woman… So I do know what it’s like to be on both sides – sort of.

However, having said all that…. I think there is a significant difference between cheating & an affair. Let me explain before you say they’re the same thing.

Cheat by definition on google is to ‘act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’ & affair by definition on google ‘an event or sequence of events of a specified kind or that has previously been referred too.’

When I think about cheating I think about my partner picking someone up in a nightclub or bar, fucking them & never speaking to them again. When I think affair, I think of what Noodle & I had, where we text everyday & have an emotional connection as well as physical. I believe if someone cheats on you, you can actually get over that – it was meaningless, but if there was an emotional connection, could you get over that? Could you really stay with a partner who potentially talked about you behind your back to another woman/man? That he made time for her while not with me. That he had her house key for months? That he bought her presents? That they went on dates, while I thought he was somewhere else… That she came to my house?! That he got pissed off when he couldn’t chat to her because I am awake?! That would honestly be the killer for me. Wondering what my partner said about me behind my back to another woman. Did he paint me as a villain or someone who’s sexless? Noodle showed me pictures of their life together & sent me screenshots of her messages to him, I don’t think I would ever be able to get over that, that is more of a betrayal than him just sticking his dick in someone for a one night stand. However if he picked someone up in a bar, there is no emotion, where I probably wasn’t even mentioned, he could honestly say to me “it was just sex, it meant nothing” but I think if he was trolling online or hiding things from me, that’s when it’s an affair. Do you see the difference?! Am I explaining myself at all?

So while cheating & affairs are the same thing not by definition but by what they mean, I still think they are different. It may start out as cheating, no connection, no feelings but Noodle & I just didn’t just cheat on his partner, we had a relationship, we had love, we had feelings & emotions. Yes that’s cheating, but that was an affair… don’t think that all cheating turns in to an affair. Everything starts out as cheating, everything starts out with one person being dishonest. However not everything turns into an on going affair…

Does this blog post make sense?!

#IBD4U

Noddy joins the chat group I run on the chat app & he seems to fit in quite nicely, he’s only 27 & in his profile picture he looks cute but he does look very young. On the chat app, you can’t share pictures within 24 hours in the group so I suggested that he send it to me to post for him, which he does. Usually when I offer this to a guy, they try to keep chatting to me thinking it’s an invitation to private chat but Noddy doesn’t.

He chats in the group for a week or so & is very polite & respectful that at Rope one night some of the other people in the group say that he fits in well that I decide to write him a message “Thank you for actually being a decent guy in the group! It’s been nice to have you in there” He writes back immediately saying “Nawww thanks, I’ve wanted to message you for ages but haven’t had the guts” I explain why I don’t usually private message & the fact I end up with dick pics I ask why he hasn’t had the guts to message me & he says “I dunno, I figured someone like you wouldn’t really be interested in a young bloke like me haha. I dunno I see you as a beautiful, well presented woman with a lot of self respect for herself. So I gotta admit. I was gonna wait a while & see if I built up the courage to talk to you a bit more.” I tell him that I like that he’s been a good guy in the group, it’s refreshing, most guys are trying to stick their dick into everyone he says “hehe, well I’ll be honest. So far I’ve had 3 chicks message me all keen to romp & I’m not even keen. There’s 1 person in this group that I was keen for when I joined.. & that was my lady, you that is. Hahaha. I try my best to be honest decent & respecting. Sometimes I say the wrong things but I learn quickly & always give it my best.” Fuck he’s already chatting to 3 chicks, probably people I’m friends with. Just like other men I don’t want a guy that is trying to fuck my friends, I’ve seen enough drama in my life with Noodle, that I don’t need to have drama with my friends too. Noddy tells me that he was in a group about a year ago but I was with someone (obviously Noodle) & he thought I was beautiful back then but he’s only just broken up with his missus 4 weeks ago & that he has to work on himself before he gets engrossed in another relationship. I agree with that, for sure… I ask him which of the 3 chicks he’s chatting to because I will stop chatting to him if he is into them & to me it sounds like he needs to sow his wild oats that I don’t really want to get involved with another unavailable guy – regardless of what I want. I explain I’m not looking for anything serious, I mean stupidly I’m still in love with Noodle (Not that I tell him that) – yes a year since we stopped having sex – but not since we stopped talking (My new psychologist is helping me deal with it again – it’s going well & I’m making progress, but without a distraction, it’s hard to get over), this guy is clearly still into his ex after only being broken up 4 weeks, this could be a good distraction for us both…

He tells me he’s not chatting to one of them anymore but the other one “Picked up real quick that I was keen on you. Told me to message you, that I’d have fun with you.” I tell him that I’m surprised that she was into him & that he wasn’t keen on her, but he tells me that “She honestly didn’t like the fact I liked you… Was kinda jealous… She said you’d be annoyed if you found out I was talking to her. But I liked you.” Wow, I wouldn’t be annoyed that she is talking to him, but I am not going to try to fuck someone that everyone is already fucking or worse fucking my friends… I say that I don’t care if he chats to other people, that part doesn’t bother me much – even though I do for some reason get jealous, but I won’t be into meeting him if he’s meeting my friends too.

I ask him to tell me about himself, he tells me that he’s a 27 year old mechanic where he works for his dad & “I just got out of an 8 year relationship where I did everything I could & got cheated on & destroyed. I’m pretty easy going. I’m trying to quit smoking & as you seen I’m trying to quit weed too.” He tells me that he’d also just started playing basketball with mates on Thursday nights, that he lives with 2 housemates. This guy has some red flags but again I am not looking for anything serious right now…

I tell him that he probably shouldn’t try to quit both smoking & weed at the same time, (in hindsight, that’s bad advice & he probably should try to give up both at the same time!) I laugh & say “Yes I am very wise” he says “Damn straight, beautiful smart… elegant & smart” Wow he’s a smooth talker… I say that I am too old for him & live too far since he’s out north but he says that he likes a challenge, has a car & will travel. I tell him that I’ve heard that before (because I have then guys back off when they realise how far I am if they live north) but I suggest a drink perhaps first, he says “Yeah that would be great. But I’d drive it.. No problem… I can’t stand a woman up… It’s not in my nature, if I have plans I stick to them. If I can’t, I rearrange things so I can fit it all in.”

The next day I start by chatting to him – so unlike me I know, but I do initiate the conversation. We chat about how I’m not feeling well but don’t want to go home from work because then I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym & I need too, he tells me when I send him a gym outfit picture that “You’re stunning woman. 10/10 guys couldn’t pass that up.” When I tell him that many do, he said “What… No way… Rocks in there heads lol” (Yes he wrote there instead of their!) “Well I couldn’t pass that up, I tell you that now haha.” He tells me that he’s being honest as hell but he thinks I am one of the best looking girls in the group & that I shouldn’t worry what people think. He tells me he chats with another chick, let’s call her Demon (part of her user name, not that I think she’s a demon – I actually really like her.) a lot but she’s with someone else but she’s helped Noddy though a lot, apparently also helping him with me too.

We somehow get back on to the topic of the other married chick, who wanted him in the beginning & how annoyed she got when he said he was chatting to me, I thought this woman was my friend? Apparently she went all weird & snapped at him “To just have me then.” Ironically, she barely chats in the group anyway, but she’s been so active lately, now it makes sense why. He says to me that she said I would hate him if she fucked him but then he sends me a screenshot of their conversation, which I don’t like at all… I don’t want to know what he’s saying to other people but then I can’t look away from it… His synopsis of what they talked about & the actual screenshot are very different when I read it… He tells her that she’s the first one he’d be fucking & also me. He tells her that he’s chatting to me & that he doesn’t think I’d be the type to be pissed (Which I’m not, but she thinks I am). It also upsets me a little that he calls her gorgeous in the texts too, I mean maybe he calls everyone that, but I thought guys would save a term of endearment for the one that they like, not call everyone the same. Bit like pictures, I don’t send pictures to guy & the same pictures to groups. If I’ve taken them for a guy, I don’t go spreading it around for everyone to see. I try to make them feel special, something this guy is not doing for me right now.

I do get pissed off, not because they’re chatting but because he has said all those things to me too, then shows me screen shots of him saying the same thing to her! Why would he say that shit if he was saying it to someone else? He tells me “If I had to choose, it would be you, Mainly because she’s right, you’re single & would have more time for me anyway” WTF dude… I know he doesn’t mean it like that but fuck… I say “I don’t want to be chosen because I’d have more time. That’s actually fucking terrible to be quite frank with you.” I mean, this is why I don’t chat to people trying to fuck everyone, while I don’t necessarily want to settle down into a relationship, I don’t want to be just one of the many! Also who is this guy that he thinks he gets to choose between us? Doesn’t work like that buddy!!

He says “Sorry… I didn’t mean it like that… that because you’d have more time I’d choose you. I said it before. You seem like more of a genuine person to get to know. Not just a fuck & see ya later. I’m sorry if it came across shit. I really didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry” I tell him that it’s not a big deal but I don’t like guys spinning me bullshit they think I want to hear, he agrees that it was dumb the things he said to her, probably doing it to just get laid, I get that, men do it all the time… I tell him I feel like an idiot because I was going to see what he’s doing this weekend so we could catch up for a drink, he says “I’d love to meet you instead.” Fucking hell, why did he say instead! I tell him that I he shouldn’t say instead but it’s all good but texting is hard (I mean I don’t want another online relationship! Noodle was bad enough!)

He writes back to me for ages, I think this is going to be a long message… “Shit haha. Look I know it’s hard over text… I don’t wanna be a dick to either of you… I’m not that kinda guy… I’m tryna make the right decisions. I messaged her & said I’m gonna hold off on the meeting & I’ll make my decision tomorrow on what I’m going to do. And I’m going to do the same with you. I wanna make a clear decision about this. I personally feel more attracted to you. But I want to see where it goes. Because there’s a chance it won’t be shit & we will get along great. I don’t know. But I’d rather find out with you” What the actual fuck? He has a decision to make? Really? Well I’ll make the decision for him, I am not waiting around for him to make a decision…. I tell him “There is no decision to make…! All good, have a good one” I am not going to wait around while a guy decides between me & someone else… No fucking way! No after everything I’ve been though… Especially since I don’t even really know him… I will bow out, my friendship with her is more important to me…

He replies “You’re right, I don’t have a decision to make, you are my choice 100%. I know you’re mad at me right now for being a typical male… But trust me… I’ll work towards being someone you can talk too & rely on. No more bullshit games. Just me being me. If that turns out to be what you want and need. I will be there all the way… I hope you have a good night xxx”

I don’t read his message until the next day because I go to sleep, but fuck he’s a smooth talker & I can’t help but feel the walls come down a little bit with this guy. Ironically, it’s only the second day chatting to this guy in private chat too… FUCK!

#IBD4U

Just to remind you where we are in the real life timeline of this blog, this was around March 2019. So we’re catching up to real time – instead of 18 months behind we’re only 10 months behind at this point. 2019 was an epic year for me – dating wise, so you need to stick with me, things happen to me that I am not sure have ever happened to anyone else…! Hahaha.

So as you all know if you follow the blog & Facebook page, I made a radical decision to tie my tubes as a form of contraception. After my surgery from having it done, I wasn’t allowed to have sex for 4 weeks, which didn’t matter anyway, I mean I had no one to have sex with anyway! How tragic is my life right now, I have just gone through all this pain & let me tell you it was the worst pain I have ever been in, it was excruciating, it was so painful.

It is obvious for anyone who follows my blog that this is very unlike me to not have sex for 4 weeks, but there you have it, I am barely even chatting to anyone to have sex with anyway. I know right, as if I’m not even chatting to anyone either?! I guess because the surgery was so painful & my periods are painful, I’m concerned that sex will be painful. We all know that I struggle with a big cock already so I am not sure things will be different.

My friend is going to another play party, she invites me along, tells me that I need to get out of this funk, which I agree too! The only thing concerning me about going with her is that she is a big personality with more self-esteem than me & I tend to sit back & let men come to me. I don’t want to fuck the same men as her. We are 10 years difference so we might have a small pool of men that want us both, who knows. These parties are so unpredictable to be honest, you never know who is going to be there & you also never know if you’re even going to fuck someone at all.

Anyway we go to the party, I drive because I am still in my not drinking phase & I also don’t want to catch an uber home, I am being a tight arse also. Too many things on afterpay & a little bit of credit card debt, I need to get my life in order! Hahaha.

At the party, we scope the place for potential men for the evening. I am disappointed to see that there are approximately 2 men that I would even consider fucking & they are both young. Of course you get the eyes from other men, couples, even women that want to fuck you, but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

I don’t go to the these parties to just get notches on my bed post, I go to meet new people & have a night out. I don’t expect to have sex at this one but again I am still doing this try new things thing.

There is a young guy who I ended up sitting next too & watch some people whose birthday it is become a human dessert grazing table. They are naked, with cakes & chocolate topping & sprinkles put all over them. People they know or maybe don’t know coming over to lick something off them. I have to say it did look fun & I have a pang of jealously like I did when the Private Play Party people did a food photo shoot too using coloured custard. It’s not something I’m desperate to do, but it does look fun. I never really got to use food or ice cubes before, Noodle & I talked about it & I wanted too but towards then end we were only fucking in the car, so we couldn’t really do anything with food.

My friend sits on the other side of the guy I’m chatting with, he tells us that he’s just broken up with a long term girlfriend & he talked to his parents about coming to the party. I find this amazing, I mean I don’t think my parents would care, as long as I’m safe but I don’t think they would actually want to know that I’m at a sex party! We chat to this guy for a while, my friend is stoking his leg, so I assume they’ll have sex & I’ll be left here looking like a tool. I get up to go to the bathroom & come back & she’s gone, so he makes a move on me. We suggest that we go into a room & I do look around to tell my friend where I have gone so she knows. I don’t want her to think I have just stolen this guy from her either.

We go into a room & I can tell that he’s a bit nervous. We’re in the room I like the best, it’s the one with nothing else in it besides a bed, however it does have a disco ball type light so it’s still a little tacky. We kiss & end up on the bed together, he does all the right things, going down on me, fingering me till I am actually squirting against his hand – something I usually have to be comfortable with a guy before I do it, however it catches me off guard & he looks like that cat that’s got the cream, he says that no one has ever done that with him before. I explain that usually I don’t do it either, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Later than night my friend sets me up with another man at the party, the only other guy around my age bracket that I would fuck. I do take him into the other room & we have sex, but we’re interrupted by the 45 minute time limit & we have people banging on the door, several times as we get dressed & change the sheets. Ironically I realise that it’s a friend of a friend that I go kayaking with sometimes, who is waiting for the room. We laugh at each other as we leave the room for them.

I leave the party shortly after that, knowing that there is no one left there for me. It’s also the last party I ever go to. I realise that I don’t want notches on my bed post, I have a lot, lets face it I’ve been single since I was 25, so at this point, I have a lot. However I realise that this isn’t something I am really into, just fucking random guys to try to get over Noodle… It’s not fair on them & it’s not fair on me. I also know what Noodle would say to me if he knew… I have been doing this to seem cool, to seem over him… But I know he would judge me & I am sort of judging me too… This isn’t who I am!

#IBD4U

I honestly can’t even remember where I met this guy?! I must have been on some online dating site. I had been avoiding the usual ones because Noodle was on there with his partner at some point throughout the last year, not that I ever saw him on there but I knew about it because he told me. So I was chatting with this man on whatever app it was before we agreed to swap Facebook messenger, I don’t usually give that out or add men I’ve never met because I don’t want them to see my fat photos. So while he added me as a friend, I didn’t add him & only chat to him via messenger.

We chat about what we’re going to do because we’ve already agreed to meet up. I was out north for work & he wasn’t at work so when I finished my meetings, I was able to meet him at a pub way out north. I have stopped drinking for a month after my ridiculousness at Switch a few months ago & I am also trying to work out why my tummy is bloated, I have been drinking a lot of beer lately but I drink Pure Blondes which is low carb beer, so while I am not sure that’s what it is, I am not sure why I feel so bloated at the moment.

He tells me about his family & tells me a joke his daughter told him “Why did superman go to the supermarket?” I’m like to get superpowers? But no “To go to the supermarket.” I laugh but that’s terrible, however she is young. I am glad he had kids he asks me why I don’t have kids, I tell him the usually story that I don’t want kinds of my own & that I see kids in my life but not my own. I do tell him that I cannot have children anymore anyway, due to my tubes.

We have good banter & I am worried that it won’t translate, I have learned my lesson to meet guys as soon as I can rather than waiting & realising they are a big dull dud. I waited with Noodle & that was the longest I ever waited.

I refuse to message him on the day of our meeting he finally messages me around midday “Hey gorgeous how is your day going?” it makes me smile like an idiot! We chat & he asks if I’m still keen to catch up later, which I am.

Northern Dad & I meet & have a couple of drinks & it is going quite well – I do have a wine, I am enjoying the time with him expect when he tells me that I pull a lot of faces. I don’t think he means it to be as rude as it seems but I think he’s trying to tell me what I already know, that I don’t have a poker face, that when someone says something, I will react with my face. It was always something Noodle said about me, when we had sex, I would have no poker face when I was trying to be bratty & pretend I wasn’t enjoying it, he could always tell. But the fact I have just met this guy & he’s being so familiar with me, telling me that my face gives me away.The date is going so well, that he invites me to stay for dinner with him. I have a laser appointment, which I just decide to miss & not call them, which is so bad. I hate that I did that, I could’ve called them & said that I was held up etc. But I just decided not to go for this guy.

We talk a lot about kinks, he’s very intrigued about rope & other things I have done, this is the first time I have been able to talk about kink with a stranger, I mean I can online, but face to face it’s a bit harder. However, it seems easier to talk about it with him & it’s actually a good date. We kiss on the cheek goodbye. He messages me when I am on my way home & says that, he had a good time, that I am very easy to talk too & thanks for taking the time to meet him.

We chat a bit & then because we’d been talking about the rope show at rope week, where I ended up with 2 free entries for myself but had also paid for a ticket, I let him know that I have a spare ticket if he wants it. I send him the details, telling him that it starts at 8:00 pm but we’re getting there at 7:30 pm. He messages back “I’ll be there” I’m excited, a nice guy who’s a bit kinky & keen to try stuff out, this could be something, though he does live far away from me.

At 7:20 pm, he says that he just finished work & won’t make it. I tell him that it doesn’t start till 8:30 pm, doors open at 8:00 pm so he still has time. He says that he’ll message once he’s home. But at 8:20 pm he says he won’t make it. I’m angry & refuse to write back. Why say you can come & you have an hour to get there when you don’t even try… Doesn’t that mean he’s just not into me? Wouldn’t a guy be jumping out of his skin to be with you if they liked you? Especially come to a kink event?!

He messages again later that night to ask how the show went & if there is another one the next night. I refuse to write back until the new mid-morning, I tell him it was good & that I’ll be there again tonight. But he doesn’t come along or say that he’ll buy his own ticket & come. I don’t bother asking. I am just not in the mood to chase any fuckwits anymore.

He asks to catch up again & I am away for work then have another rope show & workshop all weekend, so I say that I am too busy. He says he’s sad I rejected him, I’m like I invited you to both shows Friday & Saturday & I dealt with the rejection. He says “Now I feel like a right fucking dick. I promise, I didn’t reject you” I just am angry because there would have been a lot of friends there so I would’ve introduced him to them & I’m glad he didn’t come now. I feel like he’s shown his true colours.

He asks for an opportunity to make it up to me & I say that he can but I am working away for work then have the workshops so he’s sad that I’m busy, but I’ve decided that I am not going to change my plans for a man again. He says that I need to give him some options when he has the whole day, he says that he’ll pick me up at 10 & get me home whenever. I tell him that the weekend after fringe workshops but he says that’s too long because I’ll forget about him. We chat for a few more days it seems a bit heated, now reading back on it, but on my end it was just banter.

He never replies to my last message, which wasn’t really a replyable message but about a month later I get a “Hey how are you miss #IBD4U” Are you kidding me dude? I totally ignore it. I never speak to this guy again!

#IBD4U

Being at Rope for a few months now, I have been stuck in the beginners class being tied by the wrist for months, it’s getting to the point where I am a little over it & want something more. I know that my new friends at Rope have been trying to find me someone to tie with on a regular basis but it’s not as easy as that as most people that go are couples. Yet another time I hate that I am not in a couple! It sucks big time.

Ripples tells me to post in the private group for a regular rigger sometimes people stop coming when they don’t have someone regular but if they see a post on the Facebook page they will reply & come along. I do but don’t get any response from anyone, maybe because my Facebook profile picture has been a bitmoji since Noodle’s partner found out about us as I knew she’d be stalking my page & I didn’t want her to see what I look like anymore than she already knew.

Ripples calls me one night to say that a guy called MilkyBar Kid, who I’ve seen around but has been tying with another chick, will need a bunny for rope week. Rope week is a week organised around the fringe in Adelaide, it’s a week long of events & parties, classes & you need to be a regular rigger/bunny couple to attend the classes. The chick that MilkyBar Kid has been trying with is actually doing rope week with Ripples so MilkyBar Kid needs someone to tie with. So I message him & ask him if he is looking, he says that he isn’t really but also sort of is. He doesn’t want to blind side his bunny on Monday night at rope, which I get, I don’t want to piss anyone off or steal anyone’s partner. He stops replying so I don’t really know what he wants. However on Monday it’s all ok, his partner goes with someone else & I am with MilkyBar Kid. It’s a bit awkward for me to be honest, I mean this guy is a lot taller than me & I feel like we’re awkward together. But now I have a regular rigger. Rope might be more fun.

However MillkyBar Kid & I are awkward, everyone hugs everyone at rope but I’m not much of  hugger, so I hug no one – you all know that I won’t approach someone first, so unless they come to me, I don’t really say hello to people I don’t really know. I do like that MilkyBar Kid asks me if I’m ok, if I’ve had a good day, all the things a rigger should ask prior to tying you, even if they know the answer because it’s your partner, they should not assume that because you’ve had a good day, that you’re ok to be tied in a fancy tie.

He also always shows me his scissors & where they are so I know that he has them handy should anything go wrong. But even though he does all these things, his tying is boring, I am standing there locked knees & thinking about other things I could be doing. Thinking about the blog posts that I need to write (Remembering that at this time, I was only just posting about Noodle, so I was reliving that relationship & drafting the posts constantly in my head.) Having been to Bossman’s & being tied by a teacher, a professional, I have realised that being with a beginner can be very hard & boring as while he is trying to learn, I am just a dummy there for him, there is no excitement for me, the rope doesn’t pass past my neck & make me move… It just is there. It’s just happening around me. I am not really looking forward to Rope Week with MilkyBar Kid as its 4 full days of rope over 2 weekends with 2 events on the Friday & Saturday nights. Mainly because I have had an awesome rope experience with Bossman & now I’m going to go back to just being tied, while I stand there thinking about other stuff.

The first 2 days are actually a lot better than I expect. The teacher tells MilkyBar Kid that while his ties are impeccable, he can do it like clockwork, with his eyes closed, but his work is soul less… WOW.. So that’s what I’ve been feeling. He tells us that there is a moment he calls “The Cat Food Moment” which is when the bunny is standing around thinking about getting cat food, sort of like I explained I was doing. I wasn’t ever focused on the rope or what was happening to me, I was thinking about other things.

The teacher shows MilkBar Kid how he can get me to react, he understands that we aren’t partners but he explains that it can still be intimate & sensual. The teacher runs rope along my neck & the feel of it makes me move my neck & close my eyes, the teacher gets MilkBar Kid to see my reaction & shows him what rope should be like for a bunny. So as a further experiment, he blindfolds both MilkyBar Kid & I, then tells him to tie my in the usual TK. I think not another fucking TK but with my eyes blindfolded, with his eyes blindfolded, he has to feel me, not sexually as we’re not sexual partners, but he has to feel where he is putting the rope, he has to feel it all & to be  honest, it was the best time that MilkyBar Kid had tied me, up until that point. Even when he unties me when he takes off the blindfold is 1000 times better. I tell him that he’s improved a lot & it makes our time together a lot better.

The next weekend, I’ve been to the shows & been stood up basically by another guy (Story to come) that I am in a foul mood for the rope classes. Somehow the rope teacher this week either senses the low mood within the group or it’s just her style but she does a lot of floor work, she doesn’t suspend as much as other teachers. She basically does a lot of freestyle & she gets MilkyBar Kid to tie me in a ball on the floor & it feels great.

From then on every time we tie together, he is much better, while still learning, he is more aware of how it is for me, just standing around while he works out how to tie. I get it, I’m not criticising him because I mean I can’t tie at all. But it is much better for me & I hope it much better for him too.

We tie together for a few months before Ripples asks me to go to Rope event in Melbourne with him in September & tie with him until then. I hear that MilkyBar Kid is leaving Adelaide & moving to Canberra so I ask him if he minds if I change partners. MilkyBar Kid says that he was going to talk to me tonight anyway about finding another partner. Turns out the he has a girlfriend now who he wants to tie with, so it all works out in the end. (All single people get into relationships around me…) I end up tying with Ripples that night & we become rope partners.

#IBD4U

So you all remember at Switch I bid at an auction for charity, which turns out that it was on someone as a slave for the evening, when I was drunk as a skunk! We postponed the slavery that evening, thank goodness because I don’t think I would have remembered it anyway. So I’m glad he & his partner were ok with postponing.

He asks me every time I see him at Rope to give him some dates, he even messages me on Facebook to give him my availability, but I honestly feel like a wanker. He’s become a friend that I think he probably would’ve done this for free, but anyway, I’ve paid $200 to charity (no receipt so I can’t claim it on tax. FFS) Anyway he suggest his place but says that they are happy to come to my house – ok so she’s part of the package too. I’m not really sure what he is planning, what is expected. But when he says that we’ll spend a couple of hours doing rope then we’ll have lunch, I relax. I have no idea what is expected & think I need a few drinks for this.

Turns out, I didn’t need drinks for it! Turns out it was an amazing day. I went to their house, met their dogs & we went out the back where they have a suspension rig set up. I had his partner talking me though what I should be feeling as a bunny & explaining where the ropes might feel tight & where she likes them being placed when she is suspended.

Having watched them in the show in rope week for the fringe, I soak up everything she tells me about being a bunny, getting her perspective is invaluable to me & I think it’ll make me better for my rigger. So far I have struggled to tell anyone when it doesn’t feel right, I just let it hurt, thinking that it should hurt. But quite the contrary it should hurt in a good way, but not in a way that hurts me or injuries me.

Bossman also talks me though his safety implements & asks what I like, what I dislike, what I want out of the session too, before we even start anything. It’s refreshing, having not been kinky really with anyone who is involved in the kink scene, I am glad that he takes the time to go though his ideas for the afternoon too.

We don’t need to build trust as I know this guy & I’ve met his partner a few times, I am not worried about that. However I think that if anyone is planning to meet someone for rope you need to make sure you trust them. Remember when Milky wanted to tie me up, I wouldn’t let him tie me to something, I worked my way up to that & then by the time I was with Noodle, I was tying myself up for him. Hahaha… But it’s important to have trust in the person that is tying you up.

We try several suspensions with Bossman’s partner talking me through it. It is the best thing ever for a bunny because there is no Bunny school, rope classes are all about the Rigger. I always thought that I just had to stand there & try to look pretty, but when being suspended, there is a lot more to think about. Including being able to speak up when the ropes aren’t sitting right, sometimes they hurt & just need to be “dressed” which is just when the rigger runs his fingers between the rope & your skin to smooth out the ropes.

He tries one more tie with me, but I am up in the air for about 12 seconds when I say that it really hurts & I don’t like it, so he gets me down immediately. This is also what a good rigger should do, anyone who doesn’t get you down right away is just a jack ass – even though I didn’t safe word him.

Bossman’s partner goes inside to prepare lunch & Bossman says that he’ll do some more sensual rope with me. He ties me, including my pony tail (Which seems weird but it feels really good to be honest) He doesn’t suspend me but ties me up all over. I shut my eyes the whole time & as he unties me this actually feels like a massage, he runs the rope all over my skin, my neck & I reckon if I wasn’t standing up, I would fall asleep. When he’s done, I’m almost disappointed. That felt so good, I haven’t had a feeling like that since I last had sex or kissed Noodle… Out of all the men I have been with since, this is the first time I have relaxed & not thought about him.

We all eat lunch & chit chat, they are so lovely & I am glad to have met them. But as all things that happen in my life, this friendship gets infected with the private play party crew & I stop feeling comfortable around these people. Even when Bossman is chatting to me about applying for a position at my work.

Later than night, when I am taking off my gym tights, I see the bruise on my upper thigh, that is actually 3 different shades of purple. I’ve never seen a bruise like it before, it looks like a sunset! It is there for weeks & every time there is a rope on that leg I feel it. It never really goes away because after this, I find a regular rigger & I am suspended a lot more… Stories to come, stay tuned!

#IBD4U

I’ve been to a few Switches now, it’s a kink event at a club every month in the city. It’s a bit similar to SleezeBall. I have become friends with people so I have people to hang with when I go & I get to play a bit, mainly with Rope & Ripples.

There is a few stories to share in this post as all the Switches aren’t long enough for their own post like I originally planned, so I’m condensing a few into one post instead.

Again, like I’ve said before Noodle wouldn’t have ever gone with me to Switch, I’m pretty sure he’d call me lame for even wanting to go. But I don’t think that I would even want to go if I was with him, but I’m all about trying new things now. Opening my mind to new things & opening up to the possibilities… Not because I am super kinky like Noodle thinks I am, but because I have lost my best friend & I want to find something to replace that.

Anyway one of the switches is a black & white theme. I don’t really do themes like everyone does, they all go all out, but I usually just wear a skirt & corset. However, just before Noodle’s partner found out about us I bought some lingerie for him that I never wore, one “top” was a gold rectangle piece of glomesh with 2 chain straps. That is all. Literally I wore a gold hanky with no bra out in public! I was so nervous about wearing this top that I got wasted before we left my house like an 18 year old… Not just a bit drunk, I got so wasted, like trashy wasted, so terribly wasted that it’s not pretty for a 37 year old to be! I am so drunk that Ripples refuses to tie me, I try to pretend I’m sober so he will, but he doesn’t suspend me – which is a very wise decision looking back now.

There is an auction going on & I somehow find myself bidding on a man we’ll call Bossman, who runs the Rope classes. FUCK… What am I doing? It’s up to $200 when it stops & I win… OMG What did I just win? I have no idea what I am bidding on to be honest. What the actual fuck! Why didn’t someone stop me. FUCK. $200… Jesus.

I don’t really know what happens the rest of the night but when Bossman comes up to me to ask me what I want to do with him, I think what the fuck! I have apparently bought him as a slave. Oh good! (I wish you could see my face as I say that!) I actually somehow am able to get the words out that I am too drunk to do anything & hope that we can do some rope another time. He tells me that he has to ask his missus if that’s ok with her, which I agree. She comes over & I meet her too, she’s super lovely & I think she realises how drunk I am too that she says that we can catch up another time. Oh thank god… I cannot believe that I have done this to be honest, I don’t have fucking $200 to give to a charity!!! Anyway look out for the blog post titled Bossman to get the next instalment of this story! Fuck I can be such an idiot!

The next switch I go to I am going to drive in because of how embarrassing I was at the last Switch. Ironically I don’t drink much after that evening, even now, I don’t drink a lot. I cannot believe how drunk I was. I have been drunk before & I have been wasted like that before but not at a kink event where I could so easily be taken advantage of. Luckily I know enough people to be protected but I never want to be like that again.

Anyway a friend says that she is going in too, her friend picks us up & a few other people & I meet my usual switch crew in at the club. I watch the shows with my friends, it’s the fringe version of Switch so there are lots of non kinky people there, including a friend who has just come along to check it out as they sell tickets via the fringe website. People think they’re coming to a show, which they are but they don’t realise that people attend these every month!

I enter a competition at my hairdresser, I can’t even remember what it was, but I won it. So I decide that I am going to use the hair appointment for a hair do for the next switch being that it’s about the only time I go out these days. I can’t remember the theme but I decide that I am going as a ladybug so I also get my makeup done & go all out for this switch – my mum had given me a nail voucher for Christmas that I decide to get my nails done. I wear some glitter tights & I look amazing, I feel amazing. Ripples ties me up suspending me & then using UV wax on my shoulders, this is the first time I have had public proper display like this where I feel good & don’t think about how fat I am. I fucking love it. The photo’s taken & shown to me later are amazing. I can’t believe that I look that good. (A moment of high self-esteem – don’t get used to it! Hahaha) I have a great time not drinking much & find that I really enjoy myself!

The next day I am going to Ripples house to do a photo shoot with him & his partner’s step mum who is trying to build her portfolio. I wipe off my ladybug spots on my face but leave the eye shadow & leave my hair done. Ripples ties me a few different ways, I feel uncomfortable with one of the ties but other than that, I do love the photos I get with rope.

For the first time I am distracted, I am enjoying my life again, even if I know what Noodle would say if I told him… I am really just enjoying life…

#IBD4U

My first venture to Maslin Beach included an invite to return with the couple who I went with in the first place. I knew they would fit in with some of the crew from the Private Play Party (little did I know that I wouldn’t fit in with that group of people for much longer!) that I thought I would ask if they mind if I invite a few other people down too. I particularly wanted them to meet the organisers of the weekend, obviously because they have been swinging longer than anyone I know & I’m not exactly a swinger being that I’m single – but felt like they could meet some new people & get into the groove.

I ask the Private Play party people if they want to come & some say they will come. I am hoping that I’ll get down there with a few for the day & then others will come at night, however the couple say they have to work & won’t be there till later, another couple says they won’t be there till later either, I invite LJ with me too, since he said he was going to go anyway. So I think it could just be him & I at this point.

A few of us end up at the beach, I again refuse to take of my bather bottoms, I mean I had at this point lost about 30 kgs, from over 100 kgs, so I am still conscious of my gut & the overhang, that at least the pants cover that bit that I’m worried about. We have a really good day & I actually end up enjoying going to Maslins. More than I ever thought I would, I guess because I know that Noodle would hate it.

It’s a really fun day & also the first time a few of these friends have ever been to a nude beach, which really surprises me. I mean this is only like the second or third time at the beach myself but I would have expected that people who swing on a regular basis would go to a nudist beach.

Having been a nude beach virgin only a few months ago, I heard about the Nude Olympics (however they apparently aren’t allowed to call it Olympics anymore) & thought that it would be a fun day out. I knew people going, but didn’t really have people to go with. A friend that I feel comfortable with wasn’t going so I ask a couple of other friends & head on down to see the nude Olympics. The funny thing about this day is that I never actually see any Olympics! The people I went with went later in the afternoon so I wasn’t there as long as I would have liked. There is obviously lots of nudity on the beach & also bloody new cameras, so I hide away from them as much as I can.

It’s this day that I realise just how much the private play party dislike me, I am still not sure what I have done to them but it’s obvious that I have done something… Every time I’m in the water, some of them get out. Every time I am on the beach some of them get in the water. I try not to let it worry me, not everyone has to like me of course, but I am kind of hurt by this being I still don’t know what I have done.

I guess I really want someone I can go to the beach with & just hang out. It’s mostly couples & older dudes down there & even though I know that Noodle never would have come down there with me & lets face it, if I was with him right now, I wouldn’t have ever gone down there. Like I have said before, the only reason that I am trying these new things & fucking so many other guys, is to get over him, to forget him, to find something else to focus on. But yet again, none of it is working.

Being at Maslins with couples, just makes me sad for a partner. Regardless of if I ever come to Maslins with this partner, I fucking want one! I want someone to talk to every day, I need to replace my best friend. I need to replace Noodle somehow… I can’t call him my ex, I don’t want to replace my ex. He isn’t an ex, but he was my best friend. I miss that more than the sex…

#IBD4U

A long time ago, I decided I didn’t want kids. I have talked about this many times in the blog. I do love kids & I see kids in my life but not my own kids. I know this is hard for people to understand that I don’t want them, usually they say that I’ll change my mind but I hate even more when people say “You don’t understand because you don’t have kids”  in actual fact, I understand what having kids means so much that I choose not to have them of my own. I understand how difficult it is, that they have their own personality, that they will do what they want when  I am just as stubborn! So I hope my future partner has them – if he wants them so the pressure is off me.

I know this isn’t my usual dating blog post but I want to talk about this because it’s quite a significant thing for my life & I think this will affect my dating life moving forward.

Noodle always threw in my face that I didn’t know what it was like to have kids & that because I don’t want kids of my own that he’d be a burden to me, but that was his issue, not actually about me – it was an easy excuse for him, I know that…. I mean I’m the one that told him that he’d get full custody & the kids could live with us, so fuck knows why he thought I didn’t want his kids…

Anyway as you may remember the day Noodle said goodbye to me the first time, I stopped taking the pill & lost another 8kgs. (Admittedly I wasn’t eating for 4 months while going through that turmoil) but I realised that when I am on contraception I put on a lot of weight, easily. So I spoke to my doctor about permanent contraception ie: tubal ligation (Basically clips will go onto my fallopian tubes to stop the egg from descending into my uterus) It can be reversed (as everyone seems to point out) however, why would I go through with this surgery if I ever intended to reverse it? The reversal surgery can cost thousands of dollars & has very low success rates – this is not a short term plan for me, get a tubal ligation that I plan to reverse… It seems so odd for people to say that. But literally the first thing people say when I say I am having it done.

I finally get my GP to refer me to a gyno & on my first visit, I never thought she would agree, however she did say that she believes in a woman’s right to choose & if I allow her to talk to my GP – who I’ve been talking about this with for a while, she will book me in. I have tried other forms of contraception & all the same, I have a lot of easy weight gain. Since stopping any form of hormones, I am much more regular & I also am able to lose weight a lot easier. This is also not advice for anyone, but hormones are just not right for me. I have been taking the pill since I was 17 & like you all know at one point in my life just before I turned 30, I was over 100kgs. So hovering around a normal weight of 70ish kgs, always seemed like a distant dream.

The surgery is next Monday. I have just paid the hospital the fee, my boss asked if I am nervous. I am not. I am excited & can’t wait for it to happen. Even though I am not currently having sex with anyone, I am happy to be getting it done. I always freak out during sex & am scared that I’ll get pregnant. I don’t really believe in abortion as a form of birth control & having tried a lot of other contraception methods such as being on the pill since I was 17 to basically mid 30’s then going off it, losing 35kgs, then going back on it & putting on 10kgs. Going off it & losing the 10kgs, I am happy to have this done in the hopes that my weight will stabilise but my anxiety when having sex will be reduced.

I guess the one concern I have with this surgery & making this final decision, is telling a future partner. I mean I always have had it on my online profiles that I don’t want kids but if I had a dollar for every time someone said “You might change your mind” I’d be rich enough to retire. Hahaha. But going through with this now, without Noodle, it’s the only time that I really think, am I doing the right thing?So the surgery went well, besides being excruciating pain for a couple of days after, I think because my insides were screaming to reject the clips just clasped on them. I still get asked when I tell people if it’s reversible. I’m not sure why I would go through all that pain to reverse it! It was the most painful thing I have ever had done & I had a breast reduction 7 years ago, this was way worse!

Fast forward to today – Almost a year since the surgery, I haven’t regretted my decision & my weight has stabilised – even loosing more weight. There is only one down side & that is that when I am seeing someone, I can’t just skip my period & have sex whenever I want. I have to plan carefully when I can see a guy.

I tell this story as part of my blog as it is part of my story. I guess you will have to wait & see how much the will affect future relationships.

#IBD4U

On a weekend away with 2 girlfriends, I know I am annoying them by talking about Noodle, but fuck I just can’t help it. I mean I still talk about Boyfriend & Milky even Origin. Especially since starting this blog, I talk about these men more than ever. We talk about my blog a lot because we’ve also been looking at developing it into a podcast. This weekend is a bit time for us to plan & develop this.

During the weekend, with all the talking about exs both my friends ask me why I don’t fight for Noodle? It’s been 5 months since I last spoke to him, I’ve just had my leader of a broken heart epiphany, Why don’t I fight for it? I honestly think this every day. I know he’s thinking I don’t care for him & that I’ve moved on – he said that to me several times when he was trying to end communication with me the first few times & so he’s making his life what he can with her, still believing he is happy.

I do want to fight for him, I want him so badly, even now… But I also can’t – there are too many things that happened that I can’t forgive right now. I am not in a position when I can really handle him telling me for the 4^th time that he is not leaving her, giving me bull shit excuse after bull shit excuse as to why! I get that he’s scared of losing his kids & scared she might hurt them, herself or him, but I’m not sure I can hear the excuses again.

That night, after a few drinks, I am in bed thinking about it nonstop, “should I fight for him?” I decide that I need to ask a magic 8 ball for some guidance… I am not usually like this (or believe in a magic 8 ball) but I need something to make the decision for me so with Phoebe Buffay’s Voice in my head “Ohh it’s not a toy” Hahaha. So I download an app on to my phone, saying to myself, whatever it says – I will do, even if it says no, no questions asked. I will drop it.

Download complete, I open the app, shake my phone & say “Should I fight for Noodle?”Fuck! I was not expecting it to say that!

Immediately, I think of ways I will get in contact with Noodle. If I text him she might see it & it might cause drama or he might not respond. If I call when I know he might be at work then he won’t have time to chat. I think I could stand at his car on a Tuesday night & wait for him to come out of work, tell him I am still in love with him & never stop thinking about him. I think about using an app that I don’t even know if he is on anymore or not. I think about going to his house, I just need to follow what the magic 8 ball said.

I struggle to sleep that night, I wake up numerous times thinking about what I could do to see him, to actually make him listen to me. I know her maternity leave is coming to an end, their oldest would be starting school at the same time, so maybe even I could go to his house?

I am now insanely overthinking this… I was in a better position before my friends confirmed what I have been thinking for 5 fucking months! Now that I know that they are thinking I should fight for him, I can’t stop thinking that I should fight for him!

When I wake up from that shit sleep, it’s almost like something has switched in me. I am not ready to face Noodle & I know that he is not ready to face me. I know I can’t live my life thinking that he & I might be together in the future (& I am not living my life like that) but I don’t want to ruin the chances of that happening by trying to push it too soon, before either of us are ready. Although if he ever reads this blog, I’m pretty sure he won’t want to be with me anyway… or maybe he’ll actually realise the depth of my feelings for him? I hope the latter, but again I’m not holding out hope that he & I will be together.

So while the magic 8 ball told me to fight for him, I choose not too… To be really honest with you, the only reason I won’t fight for Noodle is because of his children, but not because I don’t want kids. I was actually so excited to have his kids in my life, but because I am scared what she might do – to him, to them, to herself… However the kids deserve better than to see their mum & dad fight, verbally & physically. It hurts & pains me, but I know, magic 8 ball or not, that I am making the right decision.

#IBD4U

Goodwin messages later that afternoon to see how I am, but I was napping. He doesn’t reply – yeah I knew I wouldn’t catch up with him twice in one day. I don’t know what it is about men, why wouldn’t they be open to casual sex twice in a day? Is it that he has to travel to me? Why didn’t he message to see if I could pick him up from his party? Did he pick up or did he ?

He messages the next day saying that he is hungover as fuck, I respond then I get nothing in return. He reads my message that he could reply too but doesn’t… Fuck, this guy is fucking annoying!

After Christmas I get a message asking how my Christmas was, but then he doesn’t respond. After a day at the beach with friends & a couple of beers, I’d had a wine & beer when I got home because I was bored & was sitting there a little horny & so I message him. He doesn’t respond till the next day (what a surprise) saying that he was out with friends & what did I get up too. We message a little bit & get onto 3sums but he never offers to see me again. It makes me realise how much I want a proper FWB, but what I really want is an actual boyfriend. I am sick of this messaging about what I want sexually with 20 different men but never actually getting it.In the new year I get a message asking if I’m back at work, I toy with not replying because this guy isn’t a FWB at all, he’s not even a benefit at this point – nor is he a friend. I stupidly reply because I haven’t had sex since I saw him last & I have no one on the roster. When I reply he says that he is hoping to see me today in an hour, about 12:45 pm, so I figure, I can squeeze him in before the beach, then at least I have some fun for the new year. I’m constantly thinking about Noodle & his sex life. (WHY I HAVE NO IDEA!)

He says I’m an aggressive kisser, I ask WTF does that means & he says that it’s a compliment & I should take it. Not many people kiss with their tongue & I use mine a lot apparently (don’t they? Who doesn’t kiss with their tongue?) but when I say maybe he could’ve said I was passionate not aggressive, he agrees that he used the wrong adjective – I’ll say…. OMG who wants to be aggressive?! He says he’ll finish up work & let me know when he’s on his way.

2 hours later, I still haven’t heard from him, I’ve cancelled the beach trip for this guy at this point but also because the wind has picked up & it’s not so hot –  so my friends & I decided not to go. I organise to play pool with a friend, so I need to leave in 45 minutes. He finally messages saying that he’s about to leave work, almost 2 & a half hours later. I say that was the longest hour in history when he replies “Give me a break, first day back at work, more to do than I realised” I’m like dude, it was your idea to leave work & meet me, not mine!

20 minutes after he says it’ll take him 25 minutes to get to my house & I say that I can stretch it (because I know my friend will understand as she likes sex as much as I do & also it’s not set in stone that I meet her at 4:00 pm), he messages to say that he’s just leaving… Like seriously WTF? Does this guy want me to just say no? Why didn’t he start messaging me at like 11:00 am to catch up if he didn’t really want too. I don’t even understand what is happening right now.

I stupidly write back ‘speed’ & allow him to come over even though I have less than 10 minutes to fuck him, but seriously, there is something wrong with my vagina! Hahaha… It wants sex when it can get it, which lets face it, isn’t getting a lot lately. Last year I had like 5 FWB in the rotation, fell in love with one of them, this year I can’t even find a dude to fuck me when I’m free. But again I don’t want to keep adding notches to my bed post, I never wanted to fuck as many men as I have since Noodle, so when I find someone that’s good in bed, I try not to let them go. I am constantly thinking that Noodle didn’t love me because he is probably out there fucking other women. But I am out here fucking other men to get over him… So I can’t keep thinking about the women he might be fucking.

Goodwin gets to my house & we kiss, he tells me that I’m shorter than he expected, I suppose last time I was in bed the whole time lying down. He takes a while to get his shirt off & as he’s pulling down his very tight pants he tells me that he came off his bike & has broken both his feet, as he peels his pants down & shirt off, he’s covered in band aids. He struggles to take his pants off & I say that’s probably because they’re so tight. I have my dress off & am waiting for validation that he thinks I am hot in my undies but he doesn’t say anything. His eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s always did…

We fuck & it’s good, he uses a vibrator again to make me cum then gets me to suck his cock to cum himself – which doesn’t take very long. Lucky that he used the vibrator otherwise this would have been a waste of time. I am all for using a vibrator during sex however if that’s the only way this guy will get me off, do I really need him? I can do that myself. Although I always say that a vibrator doesn’t touch or kiss you but right now I am scared to kiss him because I don’t want to be too aggressive.

Afterwards he leaves & I don’t ever message him & he doesn’t ever message me. About 3 months later, he sends me a shirtless picture… At least it’s not his cock I guess. He tells me that he hasn’t had sex in 2 months & that he moved to Byron Bay for a few months, I end up send some pictures of me at Switch (stories to come) & we don’t really chat much after that. I guess my kink scared him off.

He comes back after another few months & tells me that he didn’t think I was into him which is why he didn’t keep messaging me. What the fuck would give this guy that idea?! I mean I replied to every message & invited him over, what more does he want?!

We agree to catch up the next day, he says that he can’t wait to see me & get some of my “dirty kissing” I write back saying that I am excited to see him too, that I woke up thinking about it today.

At 6:00 pm, I still haven’t even heard from him, nor has he read my message. I am so angry, he was only just saying that it’s shit when men bail & as if anyone would bail on me – blah, blah, blah! The next day, yes the next day at 11:00 am he messages to say “Fuck. I just got home. Had a huge weekend in the end. Phone went dean & no on had bloody google phone chargers. Stayed at my mates  & we ended having a Sunday sesh as well. my apologies.

I ignore & he tries yet again a few months later after I have been though a lot with me – more stories to come… & He says that he was around the corner from my house. I ignore him again… I am done with this guy. Why the fuck do I keep giving these douches such a chance?!

#IBD4U

Little did I know who this guy was when I first met him. He is one of the teachers at Rope & the friend that I met there introduced me too. I didn’t realise that he was in my group on the chat app until she said. She introduced us & I went to my beginners area. Later during the class I’m stuck with a guy just tying my wrist, thinking this isn’t that fun, when my friend ask Ripples to tie me in a TK. I really enjoyed that & think that if I have a regular rigger, I’ll enjoy rope – not necessarily for a sexual thing but for a more of a public display. I have mentioned Ripples a few times in previous posts.

I work out that I have chatted to Ripples a fair bit on Fetlife (kinky facebook) ages & ages ago, even long before I met Noodle. I never knew who he was. He’s not Ripples on the chat app, but I heard someone call him Ripples at rope & I put 2 & 2 together. But because he had no pictures up, his age said he was close to 50, & because it’s me, I never kept the conversation going. Plus I guess I met Noodle & didn’t really go on my Fetlife account much, except to share pictures of Noodle, not that I used it much before Noodle or really at all since.

Ripples & I chat on the chat app a bit more & he ends up tying me up at Sleezeball too, afterwards he asks if I’d be interested in a more private setting, he’d come to my house & practice some rope that he was planning for a party he has coming up. I agree a little apprehensive because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea about what I wanted from him. I also don’t really know him all that well & I’m allowing him to come to my house & tie me up. I let a friend know what is happening & ask her to check in on me if I haven’t text her a few times throughout the night. Safety is a very important thing when you are entering a kink scene with anyone.Ripples comes to my house & it’s fun, he tries out a few ties & takes a few pictures too, I love sharing them in the chat app group because I’ve become a bit of an exhibitionist I guess since meeting a few others that are willing to share too. I guess sadly, I’m validating my existence by being in these chat groups. But at this point, I know I am still sad over losing Noodle, but I trying to move on & not think about how much he would hate any of this. I am enjoying it for now & even though I tell Ripples about the recent break up (although he knows a bit from the chat group) I relax with him & enjoy the session. He shows me a few new ties that I obviously haven’t had before, taking pictures & sharing them with me later.

A week or so later, he asks if I want him to come over again, I say yes, I had fun the first time, he says that he’s bringing a friend who wants to watch. Ok, bit weird – I’ve never had this before so it’s a bit weird for me, but I am open to the idea, but alright, this is just about rope anyway. She just sits & watches as he ties me up outside, I try to make conversation but I’m also trying to concentrate on staying still. He ties me in a TK where my hands are behind my back then lifts up one of my legs. When he says that he’s going to tie up my other leg, I worry a bit that my pergola isn’t going to hold me. I think I am in my head too much for this, this is my first time suspended but also I am worried as I am wearing a dress & I am concerned about my undies or what they are both thinking about me.

But my pergola does hold me… I end up being tied by my arms, which are behind my back & legs like superman in a way. He takes some photos but because I’m being bitten by mosquitos, I say we have to go back inside. He tries out another tie with some purple rope that’s a little more scratchy, but I like it.We message later & he says I should come to his place because he has a space where he can tie me. He’s now in a relationship with the chick he brought to my house so I am more at ease with him. I know he is tying with someone so he’s not going to be someone I can tie with Monday nights but I am more open to tying with him & learning how to be a proper bunny. I really want to let go & learn more about this art form.

I do feel though that this will be better with a partner, a regular rigger regardless of if I am in a relationship with them or not, I do want someone to get to know what I like, what I don’t like, how to do it right. I feel like this is the same thing I am looking for in a sexual partner.

#IBD4U

So I’ve posted other blogs about what women want men to know, written by others & other types of blogs but I’ve never written one myself. There are things men should know when they are dating a woman, a woman like me who is an overthinker. This is not a one size fits all post, lets get that straight now, however, I’m sure this is pretty relevant for some of my readers… Especially the overthinking ones!

A friend once said to me that I have high expectations & it made me think. Yeah I do, I follow though, if I tell someone I am going to be there at 5:00 pm, then I am there at 5:00 pm. So I expect the same from them, you know 10 minutes late for me is considered extremely rude. So I am on the fucking dot. I’m that annoying friend, I know! Hahaha. If I say that I am going to text someone, then I text them – I don’t say I will if I won’t. I might intend on texting someone & forget, but I haven’t set up that expectation that I will prior – if that make sense. Does that mean my expectations are too high because I expect the same thing in return? I don’t think so, but my friend does.

I know I obsess & I twist words to suit myself sometimes, (or all the time hahaha) you just have to read this blog to know that’s what I do, I am aware that I do it & I try to think rationally a lot more now that I used too, but I’m sure I’m not alone here… I am a true overthinker with major self esteem issues – who has also been very recently diagnosed with anxiety. (So even the thought of the Cocktails with #IBD4U that is coming up in January 2020 – check out my Facebook invite – is stressing me out – even though I want to meet you all so badly, I am worried!)

People reading my blog contact me all the time saying they feel like they could’ve written some of my blogs, so I’m assuming it’s because people are similar to me & I’m not alone in this. I over think, I obsess, I twist words to suit me & I get angry when things don’t go my way. I don’t mean too, I just do… I’ve been single a long time. It’s annoying when things don’t go my way.

So I’ve been thinking about what I want men to know about me, or about the type of person I am…. I have been drafting this list for a while, I have a lot more male readers than I ever thought I would have, so here are some things that I want men to know. Well mainly here is a list for any future guy that I may date…

1. Be honest, if you want a hook up, then just say it. Don’t tell me you want a relationship when you really just want to get your dick wet.
2. If you say you’re going to text or see me. Then do it!
3. Make plans – don’t make me wait. If you want to see me again, ask me.
   • If you don’t, then tell me, so I am not waiting around like a loser.
4. Be chivalrous, offer to pay sometimes, pull out the chair & open the door.
5. If you don’t have time to reply to my message, then I’d prefer if you didn’t read it. Just wait till you have time to read & reply. I hate when my message is read but not responded too.
6. Don’t be late…
   • If you are late, text your ETA prior to the original time
7. Don’t play with your phone when on a date, unless you’re using it to show me something. Same goes for your smart watch.
8. A lot of effort goes into getting ready prior to a date (even if it’s just Netflix & chill!) – Shaving, waxing, shaping, straightening, exfoliating, changing sheets etc (things men obviously don’t think about), so bailing last minute is beyond rude.
   • If you do have to bail last minute, then apologise & set up the next time to catch up.
9. Don’t ghost. Ever. Be a decent human being & tell the person that you’re no longer interested!
10. If you like me, tell me. I am dumb when it comes to feelings, I don’t know.
11. Start out as you intend to go on. If you text me daily, I expect a text daily, don’t let it dwindle off as you lose interest or get me where you want me. We don’t have to text all day, but at least a good morning or good night message would remind me that you are thinking of me.
12. I am affectionate but I struggle with showing it first. Please help me out by making the first move.
13. Don’t say you’re busy or been busy as an excuse. It’s SO offensive. I am busy too, but you can’t be that fucking busy you can’t reply to my message in a 24 hour period.
14. Flirt but don’t be a creep about it.
15. Don’t send me a picture of your cock. If I want to see it, I will see it in real life.

I’m sure there are more things to add to this list – Which I know makes me seem high maintenance, however, I’m really not… All you need to really do, is text me back & not be a hoe! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

This guy will also be a relatively short one too. I will have a lot of these shorter ones coming up actually – I didn’t use to write about people I never met, but some of these stories are worth the read. Hahaha. They are part of my story & I think they need to be told just as much as the major stories, because the choices I make in the significant stories are because of how the smaller insignificant stories have shaped me too.

So this guy Big Show joins the chat group by being added by someone I have become friends with, they don’t seem to be together so it’s ok & I think he seems pretty nice, his picture is him in a mask covering most of his face but he seems to have nice eyes. I private message him first, which again is unheard of as you know, but I am trying to move on here, I am trying to do different things.

We chat, he’s a FiFo (Fly in, fly out worker) & I think this is perfect. A friend constantly tells me that I need a FiFo worker because then I can be alone when I want & be with him when he’s home. It’s the perfect relationship! Hahaha…So I think this might be perfect, just what I need.

But this guy ends up sending me pictures of his dick & then jerking off videos – remember the first one I ever got & I was appalled, now I don’t even bat an eyelid, I just watch it & think why the fuck does a guy you don’t even know think that is sexy or will turn me on?

Anyway we talk a lot, almost daily about general shit, not all day like I have been used too but we chat a fair bit to be honest. Why does this always get me into trouble? Why am I addicted to the chat?! It’s good to have a distraction & not just a guy trying to meet me for sex & then ghost me. He can’t meet me, he works away!

We chat though out the day & I also tell him that I have a lingerie fetish, it started with Noodle, but I still have it & am still buying stuff – not even sure who is ever going to see it again but I am buying stuff. So Big Show asks me to show him, I send him a lot of pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I have sent a lot of pictures in the past. But I don’t often send pictures to people I don’t even know – I haven’t actually seen this guys full face yet & here I am sending him picture after picture of me in lingerie.

As I start to trust him a bit more & we chat more, I open up about fucking married men, not on purpose, but I tell him about the recent debacles I have had & he askes if I’d do it again & I say no I wouldn’t. I may not know what I want right now from a man, but I know that I don’t want to fuck another married man as long as I live. That’s when it hits me… He’s fucking married! Why else would a guy ask that question?! He says that he is & I fucking throw my phone down & scream into my pillow. I feel like such a wanker! What the fuck, I have been sending his pictures all fucking day! I have been opening up about things that are really painful for me to talk about & this guy is bloody married.

I ignore his message that says “But I have a goal im trying to achieve” OH like whatever dude… Fucking achieve your goal without hurting another woman… That just fucks me off more. The next day he says “I guess it’s cya later then” I stew on if I should write back or not for hours. Till I snap “You should’ve been honest with me… I shared a million fucking pics” He says that I never asked, which infuriates me even more. I tell him that it’s a cop out & he should’ve told me. A week later he sends a message “Sorry” I tell him that it was a delayed reaction & he says “Haven’t been on the chat app for a while. But with that response I’m not sorry then” I ignore him, I bet he hasn’t been on the chat app because he was home with his wife!

A couple of days later, I haven’t replied to him so he send “As much as I say I am not sorry hahah I really am. I just hate attitude” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I ignore him, as much as I want to write back, at this point, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I fucking hate this interaction now. I can’t believe that this is what online dating is like now.

The next morning I wake up to a picture of his cock… Seriously!

I am thankful that I get a new phone around this time & so my chat app history is deleted… I hate that I have been through this yet again, it seems like this kind of bullshit will never stop for me… With a new phone, new chat app account. I delete everything & am only in a couple of groups with friends. I pull right back & stop using the app a lot. I need to gain some of my sanity back!

#IBD4U

This is going to be a very short one, so don’t settle in with your morning coffee expecting a juicy post! Sorry, spoiler alert! New Year’s Day 2019, I see a notification pop up on my phone from the online dating app, so I look because I’m not doing anything else. This guy has added me, I return the like, we exchange the usual pleasantries & then he asks for my number. I generally don’t give out my number, so I ask his name & why his name on the site is Newtovic. He says he’s in Adelaide but has been interstate. He gives me his number & I think why not, we’ll send some texts & all will be well. So at this point, we’ve sent about 10 messages on the dating app to each other, so this is really quick for me, before I am sending him a text saying ‘Hey Newtovic, its #IBD4U’ within seconds my phone is buzzing in my hand & my wrist is buzzing from my watch with a number not saved in my phone. Surely he’s not calling me? FUCK. I absolutely hate when they do that! This is why I don’t give out my number.

I answer the phone, it is him… Insert eye roll here… He tells me that he’s moving house but the owner has just reneged on the offer so he’s had to stay at his hotel because he’s just moved to Adelaide. I’m not sure I believe this to be honest, but anyway. We talk alright for a few minutes but then there’s an awkward silence where he says he was just checking a text about another house option & I wrack my brain for an excuse to get off the phone as it is a little awkward right now. I get the feeling that he wants to dirty talk with me or is looking for a place to stay tonight, I’m not really 100% sure what he wants, but I know that I don’t want to meet this guy yet. If the conversation doesn’t flow well on the phone, it probably won’t flow well in real life. But he asks me if he can take me out on a date & I say that he can – not sure if I want to go… He says that it’ll be a nice dinner & some flowers – sounds ok. I say he doesn’t need to buy flowers with a little laugh as that would make me feel uncomfortable, I think. We talk a little more but the we say goodbye & before he hangs up, he says that it won’t be the last time I hear from him.

I think ok, it was a tad awkward but it was a phone call, a phone call I wasn’t prepared for, so let’s just see what happens when we meet face to face – see if he follows though with the flowers! I mean give the poor guy a go, he put himself out there by calling me & I did start the call by asking why he is calling me. Whoops.

A day later, I go online & he’s deleted me! WTF… Fuck me, really? I guess that will be the last time I hear from him after all! A friend says maybe he will call or text, that maybe he’s just deleted his online account. Oh I love her optimism. But no, I will probably only ever hear from this guy again if he’s horny & it’s really late at night, otherwise never again!

Ironically, a year later & I never heard from this guy again… I am not really sure why people do that… The “We” talk. We’ll do this, we’ll do that, when they have no intention of following though with it.

Again, with meeting people like this… I just miss Noodle. Nothing stops me from thinking about him, fucking nothing.

#IBD4U

I meet this guy online, we start chatting easily, he starts off by saying I must be very popular as other profiles are awful, I guess that’s meant as a compliment?! So I ask how, I don’t think my profile is that great, he says that there aren’t many appealing women or any that he would go on a date with. I assume he’s trying to give me a compliment, but he’s not doing a very good job.

Then he says something interesting “I’m not even asking for an exclusive relationship I just wanna adore a lady if she sees others.” my interest is piqued, even though I don’t like to chat about my kinks & sexual history with men because it always seems to get me into trouble, but I figure he’s trying to tell me that he wants an open relationship, which is pretty much where I think I will go if I ever find someone, because I have been alone so long, I don’t know if I can be monogamous, I mean I was in love with Noodle & kissed T-Bone, I also fucked Orbit while with Noodle… I don’t know if I can be monogamous. I am not sure how an open relationship would work for me at this point, I mean it wouldn’t be like Max & Sweetie who has regular FWB, but parties & other couples might be ok. I’m not sure, but I definitely won’t want to cheat.

He asks me if he can tell me what he is looking for, but he doesn’t want me to freak out & block him. Oh seriously, I sure can pick em! WTF will he say? “I’m one of those guys that likes cuck relationships” Oh phew… I kinda gathered something like that being he said he didn’t want exclusive… For those of you going WTF is a cuck relationship, it’s more commonly known as a Cuckhold relationship, where a male will encourage his partner to sleep with other people because it turns him on. In Free85’s case the jealously turns him on. There are different aspects to it I guess, if he wants to be tied & forced to watch or he wants to tell the guys what to do, or even if he doesn’t want to watch but just wants to hear about it later on.

It’s not entirely sure this is what I want, as usually a Cuck is a submissive, I want a more dominant man. I am mostly submissive, so would I be able to be the dominant one? I guess I am dominant in life. But I figure he might be fun so I keep talking to him & share some kinks of my own with him, including some rope pics, when he says I’m too good to be true & he thinks I might be all talk. Well he might be all talk too, like a lot of guys!He disappears for a few minutes, so I move onto something else on my phone, I get a notification that he’s messaged but I don’t go back into the app right away. As I do, I see he’s sent a pic, it’s just of his body & he looks quite good to me. By the time I go back to the chat I see he’s sent another picture which I click on & it’s his cock. FUCKING HELL! I tell him that he was doing so well till he sent me his cock. He says that he thought he’d lost me. Double what?! So the response to someone not replying is a dick pic? So my panties drop? LIKE WTF.

He says well you didn’t reply, I was trying to get your attention because I have his. I think about my reply before Then he sends “GAYYYYY” OMG is he 12? Wtf is happening? We were having such a good conversation! Then he says sorry miscommunication, I’m say that I’m not sitting on my phone waiting for his replies but he says he got impatient because he doesn’t find people like me often & he got in a huff & that I should relax. I say I’m not sure how he’ll cope with being jealous since he got in a huff when I didn’t reply in one minute. He says sorry again & that he put his foot in it (I’d say he put his cock in it! Hahaha.) I tell him that my biggest pet hate is a unsolicited cock shot & I’m going to sleep. He says he’ll see me Friday. Fuck this guy is going to Switch! I forgot about that… Also my stupid face is up on the bloody app so he’d know who I was… I mean I’ve been approached before at events people asking if I’m the person they think I am.

At Switch that Friday, I don’t really know who he is as we’d not exchanged face pictures yet, he knew my face but I didn’t know his. But thankfully I never saw him… I don’t know if he went or if he didn’t but I am thankful that I didn’t see him. He never came up to me to talk so I can only assume he watched me from a distance (creepy) or he didn’t go. I had informed a few friends of his potential appearance, but luckily we never saw him. I also deleted the app straight afterwards. I am so over douches!

This kind of shit though reminds me why I fell in love with Noodle & makes me miss him even more. I want someone who puts in effort. They say that a man will chase what he wants, well when will I have a man that chases me?! Rather than me having to “give them a go.” I hope that one day I will get over Noode… & soon… This dating round-a-bout hurts so much.

#IBD4U

I’ve never been to Maslin Beach, I always hated people joining a group on the chat app & saying they are heading to Maslin, who wants to go? Like it’s the only kinky thing to do in Adelaide or the only beach. For those who don’t live in Adelaide, it’s a suburb in the south of Adelaide with a beautiful beach, which in 1975, was declared Australia’s (yes Australia’s!) FIRST official nude beach. Yeah way-to-go my humble little home town for being so progressive! Interesting fact for you, the suburb is actually called Maslin Beach, not Maslins beach, however most south aussies just call it Maslin’s or massies.

So when the couple from the last play party invite me, I’m reluctant. I don’t personally think that because you go to a nudist beach it makes you kinky. But I figure this might be a good time to try it out – safety in numbers! The guy I usually go to the play parties with, LJ, is heading down there also on the same day & because I feel comfortable with him – even though we’ve never fucked or seen each other naked, I think ‘Fuck it. I’m going to go.’ I have wanted to try new things, so why not. I know Noodle would hate this too, but that’s not why I do it… I just need something else in my mind besides him fucking his partner.

I obviously wanted to meet someone in the car park to walk down with me, I know it’s sort of off the beaten track. I am not really sure of the protocol & don’t know what it’ll be like being a single reasonable looking woman – again I think it’ll be full of older men, who will be like a moth to a flame. The married woman from the play party also talks about the fact she doesn’t take off her bather bottoms, which makes me at ease because I don’t think I can take mine off just yet. As it is, I’ve only just been going to the beach this summer in my bikini (no singlet or shorts like usual), I’ve never taken my top off in public.

I arrive at the carpark before they are there – feeling a little nervous. Walking around is a skinny old man with long grey hair – longer than mine (& mine is about down to my bra strap). I see another older man, in his 60’s+, with really grey hair & really skinny, wearing oversized shorts & t shirts with those velcro sandals, you know the type I’m describing. It makes me weary. What have I got myself into here?! My couple friend get there & we start the long trek to the beach. We set up a camp & they strip off, I take a deep breath & take my dress off, then my top & to be honest, I am uncomfortable for about 2 minutes till we’re walking into the water. In the water I can hide, but it’s freezing till you get used to it.

We get out & my other friend arrives, LJ knows 2 other people on the beach so they come to join us too. I actually know one of them from the play party too, so they join us. Another guy that’s been walking around with a hard on & shirt, stops by & he knows someone in the group so he joins us too. I realise I know him as the dude who was hovering when I was playing air hockey at the play party.

We all go for another swim & just chill out on the beach with some wine & beers. I go for a walk with a couple of people to check out the whole beach & I am surprised how liberated I feel with no top on, even if my boobs are like a lighthouse beacon, bright white! We have a really good day & I am glad I was there with a bigger group of people than just by myself or one other person. Unfortunately there was a fair bit of cloud cover so we didn’t get an amazing sunset, but it is a bloody beautiful secluded beach!

(Ps. Picture is a real picture I took at another visit.)

A few tips & things I picked up as a new user of the naked beach, to those thinking of going. I definitely think people should go if they want to, it wasn’t at all like I expected. I guess I had that same type of idea about the play parties so it’s interesting that it was nothing like I expected, again! But here are a few things you may want to know prior to going:

• Safety in numbers for women. There were more men there than women, I’d say about 3:1, if not more. (maybe just the day I was there)
• There are a fuck load of stairs (which are weirdly spaced for my short legs) down a giant cliff face if you go from the closest top carpark – be prepared to take a breath or 2 when going back up. (I’m pretty fit & it was a bit tough going back up) The view is actually amazing though so take a picture!
• There is another carpark on flat ground but it is further away distance wise, it’s a long walk across the beach to get to the nudist part. (There’s a sign dividing the regular beach to the nudist part)
• Be prepared to see more penis than you’ve ever seen, the men the day I was there tended to walk around a lot. (A few were hard, one had a shiny cock ring, all different ages, shapes & sizes!)
• There is a rock over by the cliffs which is apparently the area people have sex, however if you have a tent, people may have sex but beware apparently people will just look in your tent if it’s not closed up.
• Don’t be scared to get naked, no one cares what you look like & if they do, who gives a fuck, they aren’t on the catwalk, so get naked & enjoy the freedom.
• Be prepared for people to look at you, even your friends. It was ok but just wasn’t expecting their eyes to wander as we talked. I mean I had a peek at them too, I’m only human! Hahaha.
• Careful when rubbing sunscreen into your boobs – one of my friends made a joke when I was, which was ok because I know him, but I did notice others watching & I was trying to be discreet.
• If the water is a bit cold (as it was for us) your nipples will stick out & your penis will shrink. That became a bit of a joke with my friends, which was good because it’s like the elephant in the room.

Anyway I had a really fun time, I think that everyone should be brave & go too, if that’s your thing. Since going, I have actually even ditched the shorts at the beach all the time & I’ve been going in, in just my bikini. I am finally getting some confidence! WOW.

#IBD4U

This guy is super-hot, he’s ripped but he’s one of those guys that I am not sure if that’s really if that’s how he looks right now or 10 years ago. I’ve been caught out before, when men send a picture & you think they’re cute & hot but then they’re not at all. I was always thinking that Crows would be the same, kind of hot in his pictures, but too good to be true… Crows was hot so maybe Goodwin will be too?

I start chatting to Goodwin (yes I make the first move as we’re in a group together) I even tell him that I never message anyone first, so he should consider himself very lucky if he likes me. He says he does so we chat a bit, I tell him about the recent break up with Noodle, not the ins & outs but I what I am looking for is not something too serious right now, he says the same – this could be the thing that I need right now, it’s just after I stopped talking to Noodle.

But Goodwin stops talking to me for a few months, I just assume he’s got someone else or whatever, it’s it the chat app after all. I have been seeing Crows on a regular basis at this time that I don’t really care too much. Men on the chat app are a dime a dozen. When Goodwin comes back I ask where he’s been because I am not going to be someone’s 2^nd option but he says that he was with a chick for a while & they broke up because he realised that he didn’t want a GF. I don’t respond to a lot of his messages because I am not going to make it easy for this guy. We chat on & off for a few months to be honest, I talk to him about all sorts of shit, but we never meet.

So after my epiphany last blog – Leader of the Broken Heart, I’m hoping that it would my goodbye to Noodle, I’d be able to close that chapter on Noodle & it’d give me the ability to move on, even though I want to message him so badly (even months later) & I that am not over him in the slightest. I’m still listening to that song & every other song by the band Papa Roach, so much so that I even subscribe (pay) to have premium YouTube so I can watch their film clips with no ads. I basically listen to song after song of theirs & listen to Periscope & Leader of the broken heart over & over again. I don’t know why I am torturing myself but it honestly seems to be helping. By avoiding anything Noodle, I was hurting myself even more.

At my work function, we get to have a few drinks… It’s a little emotional as there is a restructure going on & things are tense for everyone, I have drunk my weight in alcohol by the end of it, however this time I’m not puking in the toilets so at least that’s something!

Walking to the next bar, one of my colleagues bursts into tears, while consoling her, I follow suit (WTF I seriously never cry – I’ve gone from being a stone, but post-Noodle however now I’m a fucking wuss & now cry at the drop of a hat!) I figure tonight is going to be a tough night, I consider briefly hitting on a male colleague that’s being a bit cheeky with me but decide against that, so on the way home, I look online for someone to come over & keep me company tonight. I message Goodwin but I realise that it’s 2:00 am on a Thursday night, he doesn’t reply. A few people on the anonymous app do but they aren’t attractive to me, so I sadly buy the taxi driver hungry jacks & get dropped home alone.

I put on YouTube when I get home & the instant that Leader of a broken heart comes on, I burst into tears. I sob – I sob though Periscope too, I howl until I can barely breathe. I am so alone. I don’t even have a FWB I can call. I cry while singing, I usually am able to control myself when I look in the mirror so I stand in the bathroom looking at myself, but that doesn’t work. I just have to cry. Let it all out. This type of crying doesn’t happen to me often or ever really, but I must need it.

Finally sleep finds me about 3:30 or 4:00 am, I wake up at 7:00 am (WHY?!) with sore as fuck eyes from crying so much & lack of sleep. I also wake to find a message from Goodwin asking why I was up so late, I explain I was at a work function & he said he’s going out tonight & what time am I picking him up. We talk for a little more when he says he can be at my house at 10:00 am this morning. I agree having had a shit night, I needed some good sex & also hadn’t had sex since the Cowboy debacle. I need to erase that night! I say that if it’s good this morning, then we can also fuck again later, after his party.

As he’s on the way to my house, he says that a notification just popped up & he has an appointment – oh right, the old appointment excuse. I feel like an idiot but he says he’ll be 20 minutes. I stay in bed thinking I am just going to have to sort myself out when he messages to say he’s on his way. Wow, that’s a surprise! I ask if he wants me to stay in bed with the door open or if he wants me to meet him at the door. He says that he wants to door open – good because that’s what I’ve done anyway.

He looks exactly like his pictures – a young Heath Ledger, his body is hot AF. He is ripped. Hard abs, muscly arms. His body is hard as a rock, he definitely works out & takes care of himself. He’s dressed a lot like Crows always dressed like, white t-shirt, dark shorts, hat & street shoes. (if they’re even called that anymore.) He definitely looks a little like Heath Ledger. He puts his stuff down then I move over in the bed & lift the covers up, he sees I’m just wearing panties & says how hot I am but he’s going to be cold. I say that’s ok because it’s toasty warm in bed, we kiss for a few seconds before he gets up to get rid of his chewy. He gets back into bed with me, then gets up again to take off his top & shorts. He gets back into bed with his jocks still on (yeah he has Calvin Klein jocks – not shorts, actual jocks! Milky was the last guy I ever saw in jocks) we kiss for a bit more but he asks me if I have any toys (if only he knew!) I get a vibe out for him, he goes down on me all the while making this Mmm sound every few seconds, then he fingers me & asks if I like his fingers in me, which of course I do, then he slips the vibe in while I cum really quickly.

He jumps up for me to suck his cock, which I don’t think it my best work but within a few sucks he’s saying he’s going to cum. He cums, wipes himself up then starts getting dressed asking me a lot of questions like how long have I had this house, where did I get my bruises on my leg from, how last night was & how is my investment property is going. He kisses me goodbye & he’s gone. Right?! No sex, but I guess at least he made me cum. Though I could’ve just made myself cum with the vibe, saved him the trouble of coming all the way to my house.

#IBD4U

It’s been about 4 months since I read Noodle’s last email to me & I never responded (at the time of writing this blog – longer than that now, but this is still relevant! I wrote this end of December 2018.) He never tried again to get in contact with me – I check my junk emails sometimes & I used to check the anonymous app daily (even though I no longer post on it), just to see if he is still posting – I think he is but I can’t really tell… I avoid it as much as I can. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, I kind of wish he’d message me but I am thankful that he hasn’t, especially if he hasn’t left her.

I still think of him every fucking day, pretty much all day. I can’t get him out of my head. Probably because I’m also reliving it with you guys on this blog – which is part of the reason I wanted to speed up the progress of this story, it’s hard to relive feeling this shit… I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s or what our life would be like now or even what his life is like now – if he’s happy, if he thinks of me, if he wishes he made a different decision? Oddly I find myself thinking about his kids a lot too… Usually when my nieces & nephews are around – because they’re around the same age, I think of them playing together, I think of what our life would be like with the kids. I also think of little things I used to message him about my food or exercise or something someone said & I want to tell him. That’s when I have to use all my willpower to not message him.

It’s even worse that my job is very solitary, I’m in the car all day by myself a lot while I travel from country town to country town & listen to music – I’m very susceptible to lyrics (always have been), every song that has played in the 8 months since Noodle’s partner found out & we officially stopped having sex, has seemed like it was about us, a love story gone wrong…

He’s always on my mind since I have met so many dickheads, while he’s happy with his partner. I’m still on the dating round-a-bout from hell & I can only assume they’re happy & having wild sex (being she thinks that’s what he wanted or was getting from me.) Meanwhile, here I am – I can’t even use my bloody electric toothbrush because it reminds me of him…

One day doing a long day trip to Kingston SE (7 hour driving round trip plus the meeting) for work, where I find a Spotify play list “Your Top Songs of 2018,” I hit play wondering what I could’ve possibly been listening to this year, a couple of songs play & I crank it up belting out the tunes until a Papa Roach song comes on (one of Noodle’s favourite bands. Ironically I knew their first song from 2000 called Last Resort & a few others but not many. But after Noodle said he loved me & told me he realised because during one of their songs, I listened to every album & learned all the words!) This particular song today is ‘Leader of the broken heart.’

On the way home, the song comes on again & I hit repeat. The lyrics are so me right now. I feel so empowered. I know what it’s like to risk everything & still survive – I am alive! I gave it all to Noodle & it wasn’t enough. That’s not about me, that’s about him. But I finally realise that I must’ve given my all because I actually feel ok about it (I mean I am hurt, angry & still in love with the guy but I am ok), I am on the other side of this alive & kicking.

When Boyfriend & I ended, I crumbled & it took me years to get over it & I think it’s because I didn’t really love him & he didn’t love me. I was so bitter because I was never loved. Now, I know it completely fucking sucks that I don’t have Noodle’s love anymore, but I can at least say now that I know what it is like to love & I know what it is like to be loved. One of my biggest fears has always plagued me & scared me the older I get (at the time of writing I am 37), that I would die without ever being loved. I’ve told you that before, that’s hard to write & also hard to re read… I was 36 when I first fell in love… At least I can be thankful that I have been in love.

I may never get fully over Noodle – he is (or was) my best friend. I miss that more than anything. The way we ended will always plague me too – how he treated me with secret messages he still hid from her – while trying to sort out his life with her, only when it suited him & his situation, but I am ok! I am alive.

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – for those who want to listen.

All the lies you told are now the truth
Here I am with nothing left to lose
Now that I’m crawling in my skin
Maybe it’s time I just give in
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Holding out for more than I deserve
And hanging on to all your careless words
Maybe it’s time I cut the cord
Maybe I stay and take some more
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize

And now you finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Songwriters: Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / James Michael / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Tobin Joseph Esperance

Leader of the Broken Hearts lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

I may never have what I had with Noodle with another guy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have 2 regrets from my involvement with Noodle & they are probably not what you’re thinking. I don’t regret getting involved with a partnered man (though I do wish he was single – however I don’t think our story would have gone the same way), I am not at all proud of what I did or what I was a part of but I don’t regret that part. I also don’t regret falling in love or being loved by him – I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat.

My regrets aren’t about me, but I regret that someone else got hurt, she didn’t deserve that & neither did their kids, even though they’re young, they got caught up in this too – one of them is old enough to remember. They definitely don’t deserve that. I am not that type of person to be vindictive or hurtful, so I am sorry I hurt someone else. The kids are the reason why I didn’t do anything crazy, as much as I thought about it.

But my absolute biggest regret is that I didn’t tell Noodle how much I loved him – everyday, every time I saw him. I wish I told him to his face every time I saw him after we first said it. I wish I said it daily in messages instead of using the heart emoji because I was too scared to say the L word. They say more than words show how you feel, but if that were true, he would’ve believed in me more.

But he needed to hear it.

I needed to say it.

So my advice to you all is not to regret telling the people you love, that you love them! Turn to them & say it now… I would if I could… Words & actions are equally important.

So for now… I just have to put it out there virtually… Because I still feel the same… I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to move on.

But for now & always…

I love you Noodle

xxx

#IBD4U