Tag: Men

Abs is in the groups I’m in on the chat app for a while before I finally allow him to chat to me privately. I am very funny about private messaging people but that is how I got in to trouble with Noodle. I am also not convinced when a man doesn’t show his face on the app that they aren’t single.

He tells me that he’s been waiting for me to private message him & that he’s gotten a message from my friend, which I knew she would message him as she messages everyone new to the group, plus he has a hot picture up of his body & abs. I tell him that I will leave him for her as we’re in different stages of life, I am not wanting to just fuck anyone, I know my friend is just keen to have sex & this guy is probably looking for just sex. However he said that he wants me & he won’t fuck her. I tell him about myself as he asks, telling him that I’m a little kinky & love my job plus I do a lot of exercise. He says that I sound like fun! He’s a couple of years younger, says he’s single with no kids & has a huge sex drive… Ding Ding Ding!

I tell him that I’ve been going to rope classes every week & really getting into that. I send him some of my less erotic rope pics, literally me in gym gear at class & explain why I deem trust the number one thing when thinking about getting kinky with someone.

We start by sharing pictures & I start to let my guard down a bit with him – maybe he isn’t so bad, showing him my other kink & that is lingerie. I got obsessed with it when I was with Noodle, I’ve yet to find a man who’s eyes pop out their head like his did when they see me in lingerie.

I find out that he lives miles away from me, in the northern hills of Adelaide. I’m a southern chick near the beach that I realise, this probably won’t work out. However I find myself telling him my real job, not sales rep like I usually tell everyone & I suggest a drink halfway on the weekend to see if we click & then we can see where it goes. I say something about fucking on his desk but he says he has about 40 employees & suggest my desk, but I work in an open office. He asks me to turn up to the weekend drink in a trench coat. This is a fantasy I’ve wanted to do for a while, I wanted to do it with Noodle but I always thought we’d have more time, so I never bought a trench coat. That fucking time bullshit… I always thought we’d have more of it… Always.

I send Abs a lot more lingerie pictures, loving the reaction from him, it’s been a while since I get this kind of reaction. Crows didn’t really care about lingerie when I wore it & I haven’t been with anyone multiple times for them to deserve me in lingerie. This guy seems to appreciate it & even says that he used to buy Honey Birdette for his ex. I show him some of my Honey Birdette. I also shop online for a trench coat, finding a cheap one at Cotton on with free postage, I purchase it thinking that this little fantasy might not be with the guy I thought it would be with, but I will get it at least. Another way to distract myself from thinking about Noodle.

It’s later at night when I get home in my gym gear, he asks me to show him what I’m wearing, which I do & then he tells me to take it off. I am already in my underwear so I take a picture of myself. Then between me hitting send & his reply, my friend something about him to me on the chat app & how they are chatting… WTF?! He said he wasn’t going to chat to her…! I feel like a fucking fool. I write “Well I’m sorry I sent that because I feel like a fool for trusting you… & now even more foolish for sending pics” (Nothing I hate more than feeling like a fool, Noodle made me feel like a fool!) he says that he doesn’t understand but I considering just ghosting him, but I’m trying to change my karma… I don’t want to be that person, I have it done to me enough, maybe that’s why I am ghosted, because I treated someone bad in the past? You all know that these men are not all at fault, I play a part in the failures just as much as they do.

So I decide to write back “So you know… I trusted you, you said you weren’t chatting to anyone (especially my friend) & I let my guard down, PMed you, sent pics which I never do! You would have seen I said no to PMing last night… I’m very different to my friend, I need to trust inexplicably to do what I want sexually, I’m not looking for a quick one off fuck…” I am so sick of people trying to fuck everyone… Don’t they want someone they can get to know? “I didn’t ever say I wasn’t chatting to anyone… I chat to a lot of people. I don’t know what I’m after… drinks & a meal with someone, blowjobs & a movie with someone else, three ways with someone else, I’m up for anything but I’m not going to limit myself to just one option…” Ok, so I guess that answered my question. “Well I don’t care what anyone does with others, except like I said even though it was a bit of a joke, I do want to be the priority with a guy for a change & I care about my friendships with people on here.” My friendships mean more to me than a random guy… Plus I do want to be the priority for a fucking change… I never am, I don’t know what it is about me that guys don’t want to prioritise me, but they just don’t! “Ok… I didn’t mean to upset you my apologies. Just to be clear I’d love to keep chatting & meet up, but I’m going to be chatting to other people too.” I mean I can’t really be angry about that or his honesty, I mean I was chatting to other people even when I was in love with Noodle, so I can’t expect anything less from a stranger. “Yeah I don’t expect exclusivity. Lets not get carried away… However just don’t spin me bullshit about not talking to my friend then talk to her behind my back. I expect honesty because like I said, what I like to do in the bedroom requires a lof of trust & not just a one off fuck.” Hours later he writes back “Hope you’ve had a good night.” I delete him, what the fuck. I am sick of stupid games.

A month later, Abs comes back into my chat room & then PM’s me. We’d chatted in the room so he says that he thought I hated him. I never said I hated him, I mean I don’t even know the guy to be honest. I was just pissed about what happened. I tell him that I feel like an idiot, an idiot for buying a tench coat for when I met him too, He can’t believe that I did, I can’t believe that I did either. He asks me out for dinner & drinks but he’s been chatting to my friend the whole time that I don’t want a guy to come between me & our friendship, so she can have him. He says that she started the conversation & he wasn’t going to say go away. I agree, he can talk to whoever he wants, but I am also going to bow out. He tells me that he thinks I am awesome & that he wants to catch up but I am not letting a guy come between him & I.

We basically stop chatting after that, I get that I am hard work for this guy, he lives far away anyway but he’s obviously doesn’t understand what I am trying to say here about my friendship.

Looking back, now on this story, lets be fair to this guy, he didn’t tell me he wasn’t talking to my friend, all he said is that he wouldn’t fuck her…I just assumed he’d stop talking to her… That’s what I wanted. I want an exclusive friends with benefits…. WTF is an exclusive FWB if not a boyfriend?! Fuck I’m so confused at what I want…

#IBD4U

The next day I write back to Noddy & explain again that I just don’t want to be just one of the many, it’s not what I want. I want open, honest communication whether it’s serious or casual relationship. He tells me that he was up all night thinking about me & even wrote me a song… (He’s also a budding song writer! Mainly hip hop rap type stuff but he used to be in a heavy metal band.) I am driving when I see the notification come up on my watch saying he’s written me a song… I look out the windows & then in the mirror on the visor & say out loud to myself like a freak in a movie “I don’t know how I feel about that!” Then I sort of laugh – yeah while diving by myself! I mean I haven’t even met this guy yet, we’ve only chatted a couple of days so far, it’s like surreal, no guy has ever written me a song before!

He screenshots it & sends it to me, it’s time stamped of last being edited was 2:56 am, so I know he’s not all full of shit…

Lady.

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

 

See there’s this girl

They call her lady bug

In the street ya wanna hug

See all the men

That wanna give her love.

She shuts herself off

Her heart is like a dove

Pure and clean

She could never be mean

The girl of your dreams

She’s so perfectly clean

When I talk to her man

I feel like it’s a dream

But they call her lady love

The one lady bug

 

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

 

Words can’t describe

My feelings inside

Felt I fucked it up

Now I wanna hide

Wanna fix it all

Take her for a ride

Not the sexy kind

I’m talking drive through the night

Sunrise, sunset

She’s the one I gotta her

So I wrote this song

So she knows

I want her all along…

Well that’s fucking cute as fuck… I actually can’t believe that worked on me! Hahaha… But it does… When he invites me out for lunch & a drink on Saturday afternoon, his treat, no pressure, I find myself saying yes. I’m also chatting to a friend Doddy (Yes they have matching names, Noddy has a man crush on Doddy!) who’s in the group too who’s in a relationship with my other friend, the one from the story Middle Aged Backpacker & he tells me that Noddy has been talking to him because he’s not sure what to do, he tells me that Noddy told him that he liked talking to others but wanted me. My friend told him to “Make a choice & stick to it either be a single player that’s not hurting anyone or commit to a girl & see where it goes.” (Good advice!)

Doddy also knows about the song so tells me that it wasn’t a generic song, you can’t just write those lines & change the name, unless it was for a Doug… He also shows me a screenshot from Noody that says “Well… I took the leap, asked her out for a late lunch & drink on sat… See how I go” Doddy says to him “Good. now be a gentleman or deal with me” Noddy tells him “After the other day, you have no fear of that haha” Doddy shows me another message from Noddy when I say yes to lunch “…Fk yeah buddy, she said yeah.. Woop woop. Haha.” I can’t help but smile, realising that this guy is actually into me.

Later that day Noddy & I are talking as usual, he chats a lot even though he’s at work – I’m not sure how he does that considering he’s a mechanic. Later in the evening though, he tells me that he wants to be honest with me, I’m worried about this honestly, I am not ready to be completely honest with him, so I brace myself “I don’t want to be a sooky cunt & get sympathy, but 3 weeks ago… I tried to hang myself because of the break up. Ended up in hospital. I’m working past it & realising that I am meant to be here for a greater purpose. So I’m gonna see where life takes me. If the wind blows me in your direction my lady, I will float that way. Hahaha. Philosophical shit” Wowsers! He tried to kill himself when she cheated on him (I’m no stranger to this stunt!) & fuck only 3 weeks ago… Major red flags here… This is too soon for him to be dating… Really way too soon! This is either going to hurt me or be completely fucked… What if I don’t like him? What if I do then I realise he’s not ready for me? He tells me that he is ready & he’s ok, he’s working through it… I mean here I am a year later still in love with someone who was a complete ass to me, how could this guy be over his ex in 4 weeks & over the issues that caused him to try to commit suicide. FUCK!

I feel like I can’t back out now, I have already told this guy I would meet him, so I go through with it… He suggests a Mexican place (knowing Mexican is my favourite) in the central markets at about 1:00 pm. I wanted somewhere with easy parking, but I don’t try to change where he picked, he obviously googled it & found a decent place for lunch. Also it’s nice to have a guy pick where we’re going to eat, I’m usually so dominant in life that I kind of like it when a guy takes charge.

I’m at home waiting to hear that he’s on his way, when he actually tells me at 12:50 pm that he’s just parking. FUCK I’m still at home. I’m ready but I’m 30 mins away so I jump in the car & leg it into the city. I get there & the markets are packed, the car park is packed, but I swindle a decent park, walking quickly to the Mexican restaurant. I hate when people keep me waiting, so I hate that I have done this to him! I have no idea where it is so I message & ask him. He explains where it is, but I get so fucking lost, I have no idea where I am in this place & it’s mentally busy, I am looking at my phone when I look up & I see him walking towards me, he’s come to find me. He’s in a t-shirt & jeans with a thick silver chain around his neck, he has a green hat on backwards, he’s so skinny, he definitely looks like a white rapper. He’s a bit taller than me, not by heaps but I’m in heels, we hug hello & we walk back to the restaurant. We sit down at 1:45 pm for lunch & order, it comes out quickly. The conversation is easy, I can’t help but notice his teeth, they need a good clean at the dentist. The chipped tooth doesn’t bother me but the build-up of plaque is distracting. Otherwise I find him quite attractive, I do mentally envisage him is different clothes, I know he would look good done up a bit. But then I am reminded of the scene in Sex & the City when Miranda is buying Steve a suit… Remember that?! Plus I remember giving Boyfriend a makeover – made him better for someone else to have him…

Noddy is so easy to talk too, though I ask him more questions than he asks me & I find out that he left home at 13 years old, living by himself or on peoples couches. He’s got 15 brothers & sisters, all of them half siblings or step siblings, he talks about his nephew & how one of his sisters just had him but went off the rails on drugs so another sister has him at the moment. WOW, my life is so boring compared to him. I want to know more about why he left home at 13 being he still speaks so highly of him mum, but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to be too deep with him just yet – I also don’t want to dive too deeply into the ex chat, as I don’t want to have to tell him about Noodle especially since Noddy was just recently cheated on, I’m not sure how he’ll feel about that story. I am going to avoid that at all costs. Noddy also tells me that his name is not what is says on the chat app & he explains the story as to why, he gets called 2 names & I don’t know what to call him after that, but I pretty much call him his real name.

The restaurant closes at 3:00 pm, Noddy pays the bill, not allowing me to pay, just as the central markets close too, fuck this is the world’s shortest date. I don’t really want it to end just yet, I sense that he doesn’t either, but I could have this all wrong here, so I just decide to suggest a drink somewhere. He says that there’s a pub down the street so we walk to it but it’s closed. We try to google pubs close by but our phones come up with nothing. We walk back to the central markets to walk through them but we see a beer sign we both say that there must be a pub somewhere here so we find a pub that has happy hour from now until 6:00 pm so we have a beer each. They don’t have the carb free beer I usually drink so I feel like a fuck wit when I have to ask the bartender for a low carb beer… This guy knows I’m health conscious but I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. But the guy lets me try a few before I settle on one.

The conversation flows easily still over 2 beers, he tells me later that when I went to bathroom that he checked me out. Hahaha… We have a good afternoon, we hug, a tad awkwardly goodbye then he messaged the group with a picture of him by his car in the carpark before even messaging me… Weird huh? Why would he message the group saying he hopes everyone had as good a day as him? But not message me to say that? I mean he must know I’m going to see it?

He finally does message me (I of course refuse to message him first as my usual stubbornness kicks in, post any date) & we chat a bit, he says that he’s keen to see me again. I know I am busy the next weekend so I ask him if he wants to meet for dinner on Wednesday night, I have to work late so I suggest a place near my work that I want to try & I hear is good for a date night. He agrees to meet me.

The next night he kicks his toe & after an x-ray, he is diagnosed with broken little toe. I think this is his going to be his out to bail on our next date. We chat a lot & he sends me so many pictures, usually him shirtless or of his bruised toe. He has been respectful & not sent me a dick pic, which I appreciate! Finally a decent guy!

#IBD4U

I want to start this blog post by saying this is just my opinion! I am not giving advice nor do I think every situation is the same, but this is just my thoughts. Remember when I said this blog is my diary, well here are my unedited thoughts. Please don’t take offence if you don’t agree but let’s have a discussion about why. I’m not even sure that this is going to be clear for you or me… It’s clear in my head but as I put pen to paper (Or start typing on my computer) I don’t know if it is clear… But I want to try to explain my thoughts on what I was a part of with Noodle.

Having been online dating for more than a decade, I have seen my fair share of men & women online that are looking to cheat. As soon as you start to call them out on it, they always say “You don’t understand, it’s complicated” or “I’m not unhappy.” Noodle said the same. Crows said the same, hell even Rob Rob says the same. Yeah they’re right I don’t understand why someone would stay miserable with someone & hurt them rather than walk away before they do something they regret. I also don’t understand how you can be happy with someone but want to cheat on them. If I was with someone & I was happy with them, I would talk to them about the thoughts I’m having of cheating on them… I have obviously been the other woman before & let me tell you, the mistress also gets hurt. No one walks away alive after a cheating situation.

Regardless of children, I’ve always maintained that I would prefer that the parents break up & show their kids what true love actually is, rather than stay together for the children. People don’t understand the damage they are doing to the children but staying together. A friend once said to me, “Imagine how the kid will feel – Oh you stayed unhappy because of me?” I actually feel that way about my parents to be honest & it’s not a good feeling. I was in my early 20’s when my dad cheated on my mum, however I did have a relationship after that then nothing ever since, I was hurt by the shit that went down when that happened in my family & then hurt when Boyfriend basically left me & shacked up with another woman… So I do know what it’s like to be on both sides – sort of.

However, having said all that…. I think there is a significant difference between cheating & an affair. Let me explain before you say they’re the same thing.

Cheat by definition on google is to ‘act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’ & affair by definition on google ‘an event or sequence of events of a specified kind or that has previously been referred too.’

When I think about cheating I think about my partner picking someone up in a nightclub or bar, fucking them & never speaking to them again. When I think affair, I think of what Noodle & I had, where we text everyday & have an emotional connection as well as physical. I believe if someone cheats on you, you can actually get over that – it was meaningless, but if there was an emotional connection, could you get over that? Could you really stay with a partner who potentially talked about you behind your back to another woman/man? That he made time for her while not with me. That he had her house key for months? That he bought her presents? That they went on dates, while I thought he was somewhere else… That she came to my house?! That he got pissed off when he couldn’t chat to her because I am awake?! That would honestly be the killer for me. Wondering what my partner said about me behind my back to another woman. Did he paint me as a villain or someone who’s sexless? Noodle showed me pictures of their life together & sent me screenshots of her messages to him, I don’t think I would ever be able to get over that, that is more of a betrayal than him just sticking his dick in someone for a one night stand. However if he picked someone up in a bar, there is no emotion, where I probably wasn’t even mentioned, he could honestly say to me “it was just sex, it meant nothing” but I think if he was trolling online or hiding things from me, that’s when it’s an affair. Do you see the difference?! Am I explaining myself at all?

So while cheating & affairs are the same thing not by definition but by what they mean, I still think they are different. It may start out as cheating, no connection, no feelings but Noodle & I just didn’t just cheat on his partner, we had a relationship, we had love, we had feelings & emotions. Yes that’s cheating, but that was an affair… don’t think that all cheating turns in to an affair. Everything starts out as cheating, everything starts out with one person being dishonest. However not everything turns into an on going affair…

Does this blog post make sense?!

#IBD4U

Noddy joins the chat group I run on the chat app & he seems to fit in quite nicely, he’s only 27 & in his profile picture he looks cute but he does look very young. On the chat app, you can’t share pictures within 24 hours in the group so I suggested that he send it to me to post for him, which he does. Usually when I offer this to a guy, they try to keep chatting to me thinking it’s an invitation to private chat but Noddy doesn’t.

He chats in the group for a week or so & is very polite & respectful that at Rope one night some of the other people in the group say that he fits in well that I decide to write him a message “Thank you for actually being a decent guy in the group! It’s been nice to have you in there” He writes back immediately saying “Nawww thanks, I’ve wanted to message you for ages but haven’t had the guts” I explain why I don’t usually private message & the fact I end up with dick pics I ask why he hasn’t had the guts to message me & he says “I dunno, I figured someone like you wouldn’t really be interested in a young bloke like me haha. I dunno I see you as a beautiful, well presented woman with a lot of self respect for herself. So I gotta admit. I was gonna wait a while & see if I built up the courage to talk to you a bit more.” I tell him that I like that he’s been a good guy in the group, it’s refreshing, most guys are trying to stick their dick into everyone he says “hehe, well I’ll be honest. So far I’ve had 3 chicks message me all keen to romp & I’m not even keen. There’s 1 person in this group that I was keen for when I joined.. & that was my lady, you that is. Hahaha. I try my best to be honest decent & respecting. Sometimes I say the wrong things but I learn quickly & always give it my best.” Fuck he’s already chatting to 3 chicks, probably people I’m friends with. Just like other men I don’t want a guy that is trying to fuck my friends, I’ve seen enough drama in my life with Noodle, that I don’t need to have drama with my friends too. Noddy tells me that he was in a group about a year ago but I was with someone (obviously Noodle) & he thought I was beautiful back then but he’s only just broken up with his missus 4 weeks ago & that he has to work on himself before he gets engrossed in another relationship. I agree with that, for sure… I ask him which of the 3 chicks he’s chatting to because I will stop chatting to him if he is into them & to me it sounds like he needs to sow his wild oats that I don’t really want to get involved with another unavailable guy – regardless of what I want. I explain I’m not looking for anything serious, I mean stupidly I’m still in love with Noodle (Not that I tell him that) – yes a year since we stopped having sex – but not since we stopped talking (My new psychologist is helping me deal with it again – it’s going well & I’m making progress, but without a distraction, it’s hard to get over), this guy is clearly still into his ex after only being broken up 4 weeks, this could be a good distraction for us both…

He tells me he’s not chatting to one of them anymore but the other one “Picked up real quick that I was keen on you. Told me to message you, that I’d have fun with you.” I tell him that I’m surprised that she was into him & that he wasn’t keen on her, but he tells me that “She honestly didn’t like the fact I liked you… Was kinda jealous… She said you’d be annoyed if you found out I was talking to her. But I liked you.” Wow, I wouldn’t be annoyed that she is talking to him, but I am not going to try to fuck someone that everyone is already fucking or worse fucking my friends… I say that I don’t care if he chats to other people, that part doesn’t bother me much – even though I do for some reason get jealous, but I won’t be into meeting him if he’s meeting my friends too.

I ask him to tell me about himself, he tells me that he’s a 27 year old mechanic where he works for his dad & “I just got out of an 8 year relationship where I did everything I could & got cheated on & destroyed. I’m pretty easy going. I’m trying to quit smoking & as you seen I’m trying to quit weed too.” He tells me that he’d also just started playing basketball with mates on Thursday nights, that he lives with 2 housemates. This guy has some red flags but again I am not looking for anything serious right now…

I tell him that he probably shouldn’t try to quit both smoking & weed at the same time, (in hindsight, that’s bad advice & he probably should try to give up both at the same time!) I laugh & say “Yes I am very wise” he says “Damn straight, beautiful smart… elegant & smart” Wow he’s a smooth talker… I say that I am too old for him & live too far since he’s out north but he says that he likes a challenge, has a car & will travel. I tell him that I’ve heard that before (because I have then guys back off when they realise how far I am if they live north) but I suggest a drink perhaps first, he says “Yeah that would be great. But I’d drive it.. No problem… I can’t stand a woman up… It’s not in my nature, if I have plans I stick to them. If I can’t, I rearrange things so I can fit it all in.”

The next day I start by chatting to him – so unlike me I know, but I do initiate the conversation. We chat about how I’m not feeling well but don’t want to go home from work because then I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym & I need too, he tells me when I send him a gym outfit picture that “You’re stunning woman. 10/10 guys couldn’t pass that up.” When I tell him that many do, he said “What… No way… Rocks in there heads lol” (Yes he wrote there instead of their!) “Well I couldn’t pass that up, I tell you that now haha.” He tells me that he’s being honest as hell but he thinks I am one of the best looking girls in the group & that I shouldn’t worry what people think. He tells me he chats with another chick, let’s call her Demon (part of her user name, not that I think she’s a demon – I actually really like her.) a lot but she’s with someone else but she’s helped Noddy though a lot, apparently also helping him with me too.

We somehow get back on to the topic of the other married chick, who wanted him in the beginning & how annoyed she got when he said he was chatting to me, I thought this woman was my friend? Apparently she went all weird & snapped at him “To just have me then.” Ironically, she barely chats in the group anyway, but she’s been so active lately, now it makes sense why. He says to me that she said I would hate him if she fucked him but then he sends me a screenshot of their conversation, which I don’t like at all… I don’t want to know what he’s saying to other people but then I can’t look away from it… His synopsis of what they talked about & the actual screenshot are very different when I read it… He tells her that she’s the first one he’d be fucking & also me. He tells her that he’s chatting to me & that he doesn’t think I’d be the type to be pissed (Which I’m not, but she thinks I am). It also upsets me a little that he calls her gorgeous in the texts too, I mean maybe he calls everyone that, but I thought guys would save a term of endearment for the one that they like, not call everyone the same. Bit like pictures, I don’t send pictures to guy & the same pictures to groups. If I’ve taken them for a guy, I don’t go spreading it around for everyone to see. I try to make them feel special, something this guy is not doing for me right now.

I do get pissed off, not because they’re chatting but because he has said all those things to me too, then shows me screen shots of him saying the same thing to her! Why would he say that shit if he was saying it to someone else? He tells me “If I had to choose, it would be you, Mainly because she’s right, you’re single & would have more time for me anyway” WTF dude… I know he doesn’t mean it like that but fuck… I say “I don’t want to be chosen because I’d have more time. That’s actually fucking terrible to be quite frank with you.” I mean, this is why I don’t chat to people trying to fuck everyone, while I don’t necessarily want to settle down into a relationship, I don’t want to be just one of the many! Also who is this guy that he thinks he gets to choose between us? Doesn’t work like that buddy!!

He says “Sorry… I didn’t mean it like that… that because you’d have more time I’d choose you. I said it before. You seem like more of a genuine person to get to know. Not just a fuck & see ya later. I’m sorry if it came across shit. I really didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry” I tell him that it’s not a big deal but I don’t like guys spinning me bullshit they think I want to hear, he agrees that it was dumb the things he said to her, probably doing it to just get laid, I get that, men do it all the time… I tell him I feel like an idiot because I was going to see what he’s doing this weekend so we could catch up for a drink, he says “I’d love to meet you instead.” Fucking hell, why did he say instead! I tell him that I he shouldn’t say instead but it’s all good but texting is hard (I mean I don’t want another online relationship! Noodle was bad enough!)

He writes back to me for ages, I think this is going to be a long message… “Shit haha. Look I know it’s hard over text… I don’t wanna be a dick to either of you… I’m not that kinda guy… I’m tryna make the right decisions. I messaged her & said I’m gonna hold off on the meeting & I’ll make my decision tomorrow on what I’m going to do. And I’m going to do the same with you. I wanna make a clear decision about this. I personally feel more attracted to you. But I want to see where it goes. Because there’s a chance it won’t be shit & we will get along great. I don’t know. But I’d rather find out with you” What the actual fuck? He has a decision to make? Really? Well I’ll make the decision for him, I am not waiting around for him to make a decision…. I tell him “There is no decision to make…! All good, have a good one” I am not going to wait around while a guy decides between me & someone else… No fucking way! No after everything I’ve been though… Especially since I don’t even really know him… I will bow out, my friendship with her is more important to me…

He replies “You’re right, I don’t have a decision to make, you are my choice 100%. I know you’re mad at me right now for being a typical male… But trust me… I’ll work towards being someone you can talk too & rely on. No more bullshit games. Just me being me. If that turns out to be what you want and need. I will be there all the way… I hope you have a good night xxx”

I don’t read his message until the next day because I go to sleep, but fuck he’s a smooth talker & I can’t help but feel the walls come down a little bit with this guy. Ironically, it’s only the second day chatting to this guy in private chat too… FUCK!

#IBD4U

Just to remind you where we are in the real life timeline of this blog, this was around March 2019. So we’re catching up to real time – instead of 18 months behind we’re only 10 months behind at this point. 2019 was an epic year for me – dating wise, so you need to stick with me, things happen to me that I am not sure have ever happened to anyone else…! Hahaha.

So as you all know if you follow the blog & Facebook page, I made a radical decision to tie my tubes as a form of contraception. After my surgery from having it done, I wasn’t allowed to have sex for 4 weeks, which didn’t matter anyway, I mean I had no one to have sex with anyway! How tragic is my life right now, I have just gone through all this pain & let me tell you it was the worst pain I have ever been in, it was excruciating, it was so painful.

It is obvious for anyone who follows my blog that this is very unlike me to not have sex for 4 weeks, but there you have it, I am barely even chatting to anyone to have sex with anyway. I know right, as if I’m not even chatting to anyone either?! I guess because the surgery was so painful & my periods are painful, I’m concerned that sex will be painful. We all know that I struggle with a big cock already so I am not sure things will be different.

My friend is going to another play party, she invites me along, tells me that I need to get out of this funk, which I agree too! The only thing concerning me about going with her is that she is a big personality with more self-esteem than me & I tend to sit back & let men come to me. I don’t want to fuck the same men as her. We are 10 years difference so we might have a small pool of men that want us both, who knows. These parties are so unpredictable to be honest, you never know who is going to be there & you also never know if you’re even going to fuck someone at all.

Anyway we go to the party, I drive because I am still in my not drinking phase & I also don’t want to catch an uber home, I am being a tight arse also. Too many things on afterpay & a little bit of credit card debt, I need to get my life in order! Hahaha.

At the party, we scope the place for potential men for the evening. I am disappointed to see that there are approximately 2 men that I would even consider fucking & they are both young. Of course you get the eyes from other men, couples, even women that want to fuck you, but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

I don’t go to the these parties to just get notches on my bed post, I go to meet new people & have a night out. I don’t expect to have sex at this one but again I am still doing this try new things thing.

There is a young guy who I ended up sitting next too & watch some people whose birthday it is become a human dessert grazing table. They are naked, with cakes & chocolate topping & sprinkles put all over them. People they know or maybe don’t know coming over to lick something off them. I have to say it did look fun & I have a pang of jealously like I did when the Private Play Party people did a food photo shoot too using coloured custard. It’s not something I’m desperate to do, but it does look fun. I never really got to use food or ice cubes before, Noodle & I talked about it & I wanted too but towards then end we were only fucking in the car, so we couldn’t really do anything with food.

My friend sits on the other side of the guy I’m chatting with, he tells us that he’s just broken up with a long term girlfriend & he talked to his parents about coming to the party. I find this amazing, I mean I don’t think my parents would care, as long as I’m safe but I don’t think they would actually want to know that I’m at a sex party! We chat to this guy for a while, my friend is stoking his leg, so I assume they’ll have sex & I’ll be left here looking like a tool. I get up to go to the bathroom & come back & she’s gone, so he makes a move on me. We suggest that we go into a room & I do look around to tell my friend where I have gone so she knows. I don’t want her to think I have just stolen this guy from her either.

We go into a room & I can tell that he’s a bit nervous. We’re in the room I like the best, it’s the one with nothing else in it besides a bed, however it does have a disco ball type light so it’s still a little tacky. We kiss & end up on the bed together, he does all the right things, going down on me, fingering me till I am actually squirting against his hand – something I usually have to be comfortable with a guy before I do it, however it catches me off guard & he looks like that cat that’s got the cream, he says that no one has ever done that with him before. I explain that usually I don’t do it either, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Later than night my friend sets me up with another man at the party, the only other guy around my age bracket that I would fuck. I do take him into the other room & we have sex, but we’re interrupted by the 45 minute time limit & we have people banging on the door, several times as we get dressed & change the sheets. Ironically I realise that it’s a friend of a friend that I go kayaking with sometimes, who is waiting for the room. We laugh at each other as we leave the room for them.

I leave the party shortly after that, knowing that there is no one left there for me. It’s also the last party I ever go to. I realise that I don’t want notches on my bed post, I have a lot, lets face it I’ve been single since I was 25, so at this point, I have a lot. However I realise that this isn’t something I am really into, just fucking random guys to try to get over Noodle… It’s not fair on them & it’s not fair on me. I also know what Noodle would say to me if he knew… I have been doing this to seem cool, to seem over him… But I know he would judge me & I am sort of judging me too… This isn’t who I am!

#IBD4U

I honestly can’t even remember where I met this guy?! I must have been on some online dating site. I had been avoiding the usual ones because Noodle was on there with his partner at some point throughout the last year, not that I ever saw him on there but I knew about it because he told me. So I was chatting with this man on whatever app it was before we agreed to swap Facebook messenger, I don’t usually give that out or add men I’ve never met because I don’t want them to see my fat photos. So while he added me as a friend, I didn’t add him & only chat to him via messenger.

We chat about what we’re going to do because we’ve already agreed to meet up. I was out north for work & he wasn’t at work so when I finished my meetings, I was able to meet him at a pub way out north. I have stopped drinking for a month after my ridiculousness at Switch a few months ago & I am also trying to work out why my tummy is bloated, I have been drinking a lot of beer lately but I drink Pure Blondes which is low carb beer, so while I am not sure that’s what it is, I am not sure why I feel so bloated at the moment.

He tells me about his family & tells me a joke his daughter told him “Why did superman go to the supermarket?” I’m like to get superpowers? But no “To go to the supermarket.” I laugh but that’s terrible, however she is young. I am glad he had kids he asks me why I don’t have kids, I tell him the usually story that I don’t want kinds of my own & that I see kids in my life but not my own. I do tell him that I cannot have children anymore anyway, due to my tubes.

We have good banter & I am worried that it won’t translate, I have learned my lesson to meet guys as soon as I can rather than waiting & realising they are a big dull dud. I waited with Noodle & that was the longest I ever waited.

I refuse to message him on the day of our meeting he finally messages me around midday “Hey gorgeous how is your day going?” it makes me smile like an idiot! We chat & he asks if I’m still keen to catch up later, which I am.

Northern Dad & I meet & have a couple of drinks & it is going quite well – I do have a wine, I am enjoying the time with him expect when he tells me that I pull a lot of faces. I don’t think he means it to be as rude as it seems but I think he’s trying to tell me what I already know, that I don’t have a poker face, that when someone says something, I will react with my face. It was always something Noodle said about me, when we had sex, I would have no poker face when I was trying to be bratty & pretend I wasn’t enjoying it, he could always tell. But the fact I have just met this guy & he’s being so familiar with me, telling me that my face gives me away.The date is going so well, that he invites me to stay for dinner with him. I have a laser appointment, which I just decide to miss & not call them, which is so bad. I hate that I did that, I could’ve called them & said that I was held up etc. But I just decided not to go for this guy.

We talk a lot about kinks, he’s very intrigued about rope & other things I have done, this is the first time I have been able to talk about kink with a stranger, I mean I can online, but face to face it’s a bit harder. However, it seems easier to talk about it with him & it’s actually a good date. We kiss on the cheek goodbye. He messages me when I am on my way home & says that, he had a good time, that I am very easy to talk too & thanks for taking the time to meet him.

We chat a bit & then because we’d been talking about the rope show at rope week, where I ended up with 2 free entries for myself but had also paid for a ticket, I let him know that I have a spare ticket if he wants it. I send him the details, telling him that it starts at 8:00 pm but we’re getting there at 7:30 pm. He messages back “I’ll be there” I’m excited, a nice guy who’s a bit kinky & keen to try stuff out, this could be something, though he does live far away from me.

At 7:20 pm, he says that he just finished work & won’t make it. I tell him that it doesn’t start till 8:30 pm, doors open at 8:00 pm so he still has time. He says that he’ll message once he’s home. But at 8:20 pm he says he won’t make it. I’m angry & refuse to write back. Why say you can come & you have an hour to get there when you don’t even try… Doesn’t that mean he’s just not into me? Wouldn’t a guy be jumping out of his skin to be with you if they liked you? Especially come to a kink event?!

He messages again later that night to ask how the show went & if there is another one the next night. I refuse to write back until the new mid-morning, I tell him it was good & that I’ll be there again tonight. But he doesn’t come along or say that he’ll buy his own ticket & come. I don’t bother asking. I am just not in the mood to chase any fuckwits anymore.

He asks to catch up again & I am away for work then have another rope show & workshop all weekend, so I say that I am too busy. He says he’s sad I rejected him, I’m like I invited you to both shows Friday & Saturday & I dealt with the rejection. He says “Now I feel like a right fucking dick. I promise, I didn’t reject you” I just am angry because there would have been a lot of friends there so I would’ve introduced him to them & I’m glad he didn’t come now. I feel like he’s shown his true colours.

He asks for an opportunity to make it up to me & I say that he can but I am working away for work then have the workshops so he’s sad that I’m busy, but I’ve decided that I am not going to change my plans for a man again. He says that I need to give him some options when he has the whole day, he says that he’ll pick me up at 10 & get me home whenever. I tell him that the weekend after fringe workshops but he says that’s too long because I’ll forget about him. We chat for a few more days it seems a bit heated, now reading back on it, but on my end it was just banter.

He never replies to my last message, which wasn’t really a replyable message but about a month later I get a “Hey how are you miss #IBD4U” Are you kidding me dude? I totally ignore it. I never speak to this guy again!

#IBD4U

Being at Rope for a few months now, I have been stuck in the beginners class being tied by the wrist for months, it’s getting to the point where I am a little over it & want something more. I know that my new friends at Rope have been trying to find me someone to tie with on a regular basis but it’s not as easy as that as most people that go are couples. Yet another time I hate that I am not in a couple! It sucks big time.

Ripples tells me to post in the private group for a regular rigger sometimes people stop coming when they don’t have someone regular but if they see a post on the Facebook page they will reply & come along. I do but don’t get any response from anyone, maybe because my Facebook profile picture has been a bitmoji since Noodle’s partner found out about us as I knew she’d be stalking my page & I didn’t want her to see what I look like anymore than she already knew.

Ripples calls me one night to say that a guy called MilkyBar Kid, who I’ve seen around but has been tying with another chick, will need a bunny for rope week. Rope week is a week organised around the fringe in Adelaide, it’s a week long of events & parties, classes & you need to be a regular rigger/bunny couple to attend the classes. The chick that MilkyBar Kid has been trying with is actually doing rope week with Ripples so MilkyBar Kid needs someone to tie with. So I message him & ask him if he is looking, he says that he isn’t really but also sort of is. He doesn’t want to blind side his bunny on Monday night at rope, which I get, I don’t want to piss anyone off or steal anyone’s partner. He stops replying so I don’t really know what he wants. However on Monday it’s all ok, his partner goes with someone else & I am with MilkyBar Kid. It’s a bit awkward for me to be honest, I mean this guy is a lot taller than me & I feel like we’re awkward together. But now I have a regular rigger. Rope might be more fun.

However MillkyBar Kid & I are awkward, everyone hugs everyone at rope but I’m not much of  hugger, so I hug no one – you all know that I won’t approach someone first, so unless they come to me, I don’t really say hello to people I don’t really know. I do like that MilkyBar Kid asks me if I’m ok, if I’ve had a good day, all the things a rigger should ask prior to tying you, even if they know the answer because it’s your partner, they should not assume that because you’ve had a good day, that you’re ok to be tied in a fancy tie.

He also always shows me his scissors & where they are so I know that he has them handy should anything go wrong. But even though he does all these things, his tying is boring, I am standing there locked knees & thinking about other things I could be doing. Thinking about the blog posts that I need to write (Remembering that at this time, I was only just posting about Noodle, so I was reliving that relationship & drafting the posts constantly in my head.) Having been to Bossman’s & being tied by a teacher, a professional, I have realised that being with a beginner can be very hard & boring as while he is trying to learn, I am just a dummy there for him, there is no excitement for me, the rope doesn’t pass past my neck & make me move… It just is there. It’s just happening around me. I am not really looking forward to Rope Week with MilkyBar Kid as its 4 full days of rope over 2 weekends with 2 events on the Friday & Saturday nights. Mainly because I have had an awesome rope experience with Bossman & now I’m going to go back to just being tied, while I stand there thinking about other stuff.

The first 2 days are actually a lot better than I expect. The teacher tells MilkyBar Kid that while his ties are impeccable, he can do it like clockwork, with his eyes closed, but his work is soul less… WOW.. So that’s what I’ve been feeling. He tells us that there is a moment he calls “The Cat Food Moment” which is when the bunny is standing around thinking about getting cat food, sort of like I explained I was doing. I wasn’t ever focused on the rope or what was happening to me, I was thinking about other things.

The teacher shows MilkBar Kid how he can get me to react, he understands that we aren’t partners but he explains that it can still be intimate & sensual. The teacher runs rope along my neck & the feel of it makes me move my neck & close my eyes, the teacher gets MilkBar Kid to see my reaction & shows him what rope should be like for a bunny. So as a further experiment, he blindfolds both MilkyBar Kid & I, then tells him to tie my in the usual TK. I think not another fucking TK but with my eyes blindfolded, with his eyes blindfolded, he has to feel me, not sexually as we’re not sexual partners, but he has to feel where he is putting the rope, he has to feel it all & to be  honest, it was the best time that MilkyBar Kid had tied me, up until that point. Even when he unties me when he takes off the blindfold is 1000 times better. I tell him that he’s improved a lot & it makes our time together a lot better.

The next weekend, I’ve been to the shows & been stood up basically by another guy (Story to come) that I am in a foul mood for the rope classes. Somehow the rope teacher this week either senses the low mood within the group or it’s just her style but she does a lot of floor work, she doesn’t suspend as much as other teachers. She basically does a lot of freestyle & she gets MilkyBar Kid to tie me in a ball on the floor & it feels great.

From then on every time we tie together, he is much better, while still learning, he is more aware of how it is for me, just standing around while he works out how to tie. I get it, I’m not criticising him because I mean I can’t tie at all. But it is much better for me & I hope it much better for him too.

We tie together for a few months before Ripples asks me to go to Rope event in Melbourne with him in September & tie with him until then. I hear that MilkyBar Kid is leaving Adelaide & moving to Canberra so I ask him if he minds if I change partners. MilkyBar Kid says that he was going to talk to me tonight anyway about finding another partner. Turns out the he has a girlfriend now who he wants to tie with, so it all works out in the end. (All single people get into relationships around me…) I end up tying with Ripples that night & we become rope partners.

#IBD4U

So you all remember at Switch I bid at an auction for charity, which turns out that it was on someone as a slave for the evening, when I was drunk as a skunk! We postponed the slavery that evening, thank goodness because I don’t think I would have remembered it anyway. So I’m glad he & his partner were ok with postponing.

He asks me every time I see him at Rope to give him some dates, he even messages me on Facebook to give him my availability, but I honestly feel like a wanker. He’s become a friend that I think he probably would’ve done this for free, but anyway, I’ve paid $200 to charity (no receipt so I can’t claim it on tax. FFS) Anyway he suggest his place but says that they are happy to come to my house – ok so she’s part of the package too. I’m not really sure what he is planning, what is expected. But when he says that we’ll spend a couple of hours doing rope then we’ll have lunch, I relax. I have no idea what is expected & think I need a few drinks for this.

Turns out, I didn’t need drinks for it! Turns out it was an amazing day. I went to their house, met their dogs & we went out the back where they have a suspension rig set up. I had his partner talking me though what I should be feeling as a bunny & explaining where the ropes might feel tight & where she likes them being placed when she is suspended.

Having watched them in the show in rope week for the fringe, I soak up everything she tells me about being a bunny, getting her perspective is invaluable to me & I think it’ll make me better for my rigger. So far I have struggled to tell anyone when it doesn’t feel right, I just let it hurt, thinking that it should hurt. But quite the contrary it should hurt in a good way, but not in a way that hurts me or injuries me.

Bossman also talks me though his safety implements & asks what I like, what I dislike, what I want out of the session too, before we even start anything. It’s refreshing, having not been kinky really with anyone who is involved in the kink scene, I am glad that he takes the time to go though his ideas for the afternoon too.

We don’t need to build trust as I know this guy & I’ve met his partner a few times, I am not worried about that. However I think that if anyone is planning to meet someone for rope you need to make sure you trust them. Remember when Milky wanted to tie me up, I wouldn’t let him tie me to something, I worked my way up to that & then by the time I was with Noodle, I was tying myself up for him. Hahaha… But it’s important to have trust in the person that is tying you up.

We try several suspensions with Bossman’s partner talking me through it. It is the best thing ever for a bunny because there is no Bunny school, rope classes are all about the Rigger. I always thought that I just had to stand there & try to look pretty, but when being suspended, there is a lot more to think about. Including being able to speak up when the ropes aren’t sitting right, sometimes they hurt & just need to be “dressed” which is just when the rigger runs his fingers between the rope & your skin to smooth out the ropes.

He tries one more tie with me, but I am up in the air for about 12 seconds when I say that it really hurts & I don’t like it, so he gets me down immediately. This is also what a good rigger should do, anyone who doesn’t get you down right away is just a jack ass – even though I didn’t safe word him.

Bossman’s partner goes inside to prepare lunch & Bossman says that he’ll do some more sensual rope with me. He ties me, including my pony tail (Which seems weird but it feels really good to be honest) He doesn’t suspend me but ties me up all over. I shut my eyes the whole time & as he unties me this actually feels like a massage, he runs the rope all over my skin, my neck & I reckon if I wasn’t standing up, I would fall asleep. When he’s done, I’m almost disappointed. That felt so good, I haven’t had a feeling like that since I last had sex or kissed Noodle… Out of all the men I have been with since, this is the first time I have relaxed & not thought about him.

We all eat lunch & chit chat, they are so lovely & I am glad to have met them. But as all things that happen in my life, this friendship gets infected with the private play party crew & I stop feeling comfortable around these people. Even when Bossman is chatting to me about applying for a position at my work.

Later than night, when I am taking off my gym tights, I see the bruise on my upper thigh, that is actually 3 different shades of purple. I’ve never seen a bruise like it before, it looks like a sunset! It is there for weeks & every time there is a rope on that leg I feel it. It never really goes away because after this, I find a regular rigger & I am suspended a lot more… Stories to come, stay tuned!

#IBD4U

I’ve been to a few Switches now, it’s a kink event at a club every month in the city. It’s a bit similar to SleezeBall. I have become friends with people so I have people to hang with when I go & I get to play a bit, mainly with Rope & Ripples.

There is a few stories to share in this post as all the Switches aren’t long enough for their own post like I originally planned, so I’m condensing a few into one post instead.

Again, like I’ve said before Noodle wouldn’t have ever gone with me to Switch, I’m pretty sure he’d call me lame for even wanting to go. But I don’t think that I would even want to go if I was with him, but I’m all about trying new things now. Opening my mind to new things & opening up to the possibilities… Not because I am super kinky like Noodle thinks I am, but because I have lost my best friend & I want to find something to replace that.

Anyway one of the switches is a black & white theme. I don’t really do themes like everyone does, they all go all out, but I usually just wear a skirt & corset. However, just before Noodle’s partner found out about us I bought some lingerie for him that I never wore, one “top” was a gold rectangle piece of glomesh with 2 chain straps. That is all. Literally I wore a gold hanky with no bra out in public! I was so nervous about wearing this top that I got wasted before we left my house like an 18 year old… Not just a bit drunk, I got so wasted, like trashy wasted, so terribly wasted that it’s not pretty for a 37 year old to be! I am so drunk that Ripples refuses to tie me, I try to pretend I’m sober so he will, but he doesn’t suspend me – which is a very wise decision looking back now.

There is an auction going on & I somehow find myself bidding on a man we’ll call Bossman, who runs the Rope classes. FUCK… What am I doing? It’s up to $200 when it stops & I win… OMG What did I just win? I have no idea what I am bidding on to be honest. What the actual fuck! Why didn’t someone stop me. FUCK. $200… Jesus.

I don’t really know what happens the rest of the night but when Bossman comes up to me to ask me what I want to do with him, I think what the fuck! I have apparently bought him as a slave. Oh good! (I wish you could see my face as I say that!) I actually somehow am able to get the words out that I am too drunk to do anything & hope that we can do some rope another time. He tells me that he has to ask his missus if that’s ok with her, which I agree. She comes over & I meet her too, she’s super lovely & I think she realises how drunk I am too that she says that we can catch up another time. Oh thank god… I cannot believe that I have done this to be honest, I don’t have fucking $200 to give to a charity!!! Anyway look out for the blog post titled Bossman to get the next instalment of this story! Fuck I can be such an idiot!

The next switch I go to I am going to drive in because of how embarrassing I was at the last Switch. Ironically I don’t drink much after that evening, even now, I don’t drink a lot. I cannot believe how drunk I was. I have been drunk before & I have been wasted like that before but not at a kink event where I could so easily be taken advantage of. Luckily I know enough people to be protected but I never want to be like that again.

Anyway a friend says that she is going in too, her friend picks us up & a few other people & I meet my usual switch crew in at the club. I watch the shows with my friends, it’s the fringe version of Switch so there are lots of non kinky people there, including a friend who has just come along to check it out as they sell tickets via the fringe website. People think they’re coming to a show, which they are but they don’t realise that people attend these every month!

I enter a competition at my hairdresser, I can’t even remember what it was, but I won it. So I decide that I am going to use the hair appointment for a hair do for the next switch being that it’s about the only time I go out these days. I can’t remember the theme but I decide that I am going as a ladybug so I also get my makeup done & go all out for this switch – my mum had given me a nail voucher for Christmas that I decide to get my nails done. I wear some glitter tights & I look amazing, I feel amazing. Ripples ties me up suspending me & then using UV wax on my shoulders, this is the first time I have had public proper display like this where I feel good & don’t think about how fat I am. I fucking love it. The photo’s taken & shown to me later are amazing. I can’t believe that I look that good. (A moment of high self-esteem – don’t get used to it! Hahaha) I have a great time not drinking much & find that I really enjoy myself!

The next day I am going to Ripples house to do a photo shoot with him & his partner’s step mum who is trying to build her portfolio. I wipe off my ladybug spots on my face but leave the eye shadow & leave my hair done. Ripples ties me a few different ways, I feel uncomfortable with one of the ties but other than that, I do love the photos I get with rope.

For the first time I am distracted, I am enjoying my life again, even if I know what Noodle would say if I told him… I am really just enjoying life…

#IBD4U

My first venture to Maslin Beach included an invite to return with the couple who I went with in the first place. I knew they would fit in with some of the crew from the Private Play Party (little did I know that I wouldn’t fit in with that group of people for much longer!) that I thought I would ask if they mind if I invite a few other people down too. I particularly wanted them to meet the organisers of the weekend, obviously because they have been swinging longer than anyone I know & I’m not exactly a swinger being that I’m single – but felt like they could meet some new people & get into the groove.

I ask the Private Play party people if they want to come & some say they will come. I am hoping that I’ll get down there with a few for the day & then others will come at night, however the couple say they have to work & won’t be there till later, another couple says they won’t be there till later either, I invite LJ with me too, since he said he was going to go anyway. So I think it could just be him & I at this point.

A few of us end up at the beach, I again refuse to take of my bather bottoms, I mean I had at this point lost about 30 kgs, from over 100 kgs, so I am still conscious of my gut & the overhang, that at least the pants cover that bit that I’m worried about. We have a really good day & I actually end up enjoying going to Maslins. More than I ever thought I would, I guess because I know that Noodle would hate it.

It’s a really fun day & also the first time a few of these friends have ever been to a nude beach, which really surprises me. I mean this is only like the second or third time at the beach myself but I would have expected that people who swing on a regular basis would go to a nudist beach.

Having been a nude beach virgin only a few months ago, I heard about the Nude Olympics (however they apparently aren’t allowed to call it Olympics anymore) & thought that it would be a fun day out. I knew people going, but didn’t really have people to go with. A friend that I feel comfortable with wasn’t going so I ask a couple of other friends & head on down to see the nude Olympics. The funny thing about this day is that I never actually see any Olympics! The people I went with went later in the afternoon so I wasn’t there as long as I would have liked. There is obviously lots of nudity on the beach & also bloody new cameras, so I hide away from them as much as I can.

It’s this day that I realise just how much the private play party dislike me, I am still not sure what I have done to them but it’s obvious that I have done something… Every time I’m in the water, some of them get out. Every time I am on the beach some of them get in the water. I try not to let it worry me, not everyone has to like me of course, but I am kind of hurt by this being I still don’t know what I have done.

I guess I really want someone I can go to the beach with & just hang out. It’s mostly couples & older dudes down there & even though I know that Noodle never would have come down there with me & lets face it, if I was with him right now, I wouldn’t have ever gone down there. Like I have said before, the only reason that I am trying these new things & fucking so many other guys, is to get over him, to forget him, to find something else to focus on. But yet again, none of it is working.

Being at Maslins with couples, just makes me sad for a partner. Regardless of if I ever come to Maslins with this partner, I fucking want one! I want someone to talk to every day, I need to replace my best friend. I need to replace Noodle somehow… I can’t call him my ex, I don’t want to replace my ex. He isn’t an ex, but he was my best friend. I miss that more than the sex…

#IBD4U

A long time ago, I decided I didn’t want kids. I have talked about this many times in the blog. I do love kids & I see kids in my life but not my own kids. I know this is hard for people to understand that I don’t want them, usually they say that I’ll change my mind but I hate even more when people say “You don’t understand because you don’t have kids”  in actual fact, I understand what having kids means so much that I choose not to have them of my own. I understand how difficult it is, that they have their own personality, that they will do what they want when  I am just as stubborn! So I hope my future partner has them – if he wants them so the pressure is off me.

I know this isn’t my usual dating blog post but I want to talk about this because it’s quite a significant thing for my life & I think this will affect my dating life moving forward.

Noodle always threw in my face that I didn’t know what it was like to have kids & that because I don’t want kids of my own that he’d be a burden to me, but that was his issue, not actually about me – it was an easy excuse for him, I know that…. I mean I’m the one that told him that he’d get full custody & the kids could live with us, so fuck knows why he thought I didn’t want his kids…

Anyway as you may remember the day Noodle said goodbye to me the first time, I stopped taking the pill & lost another 8kgs. (Admittedly I wasn’t eating for 4 months while going through that turmoil) but I realised that when I am on contraception I put on a lot of weight, easily. So I spoke to my doctor about permanent contraception ie: tubal ligation (Basically clips will go onto my fallopian tubes to stop the egg from descending into my uterus) It can be reversed (as everyone seems to point out) however, why would I go through with this surgery if I ever intended to reverse it? The reversal surgery can cost thousands of dollars & has very low success rates – this is not a short term plan for me, get a tubal ligation that I plan to reverse… It seems so odd for people to say that. But literally the first thing people say when I say I am having it done.

I finally get my GP to refer me to a gyno & on my first visit, I never thought she would agree, however she did say that she believes in a woman’s right to choose & if I allow her to talk to my GP – who I’ve been talking about this with for a while, she will book me in. I have tried other forms of contraception & all the same, I have a lot of easy weight gain. Since stopping any form of hormones, I am much more regular & I also am able to lose weight a lot easier. This is also not advice for anyone, but hormones are just not right for me. I have been taking the pill since I was 17 & like you all know at one point in my life just before I turned 30, I was over 100kgs. So hovering around a normal weight of 70ish kgs, always seemed like a distant dream.

The surgery is next Monday. I have just paid the hospital the fee, my boss asked if I am nervous. I am not. I am excited & can’t wait for it to happen. Even though I am not currently having sex with anyone, I am happy to be getting it done. I always freak out during sex & am scared that I’ll get pregnant. I don’t really believe in abortion as a form of birth control & having tried a lot of other contraception methods such as being on the pill since I was 17 to basically mid 30’s then going off it, losing 35kgs, then going back on it & putting on 10kgs. Going off it & losing the 10kgs, I am happy to have this done in the hopes that my weight will stabilise but my anxiety when having sex will be reduced.

I guess the one concern I have with this surgery & making this final decision, is telling a future partner. I mean I always have had it on my online profiles that I don’t want kids but if I had a dollar for every time someone said “You might change your mind” I’d be rich enough to retire. Hahaha. But going through with this now, without Noodle, it’s the only time that I really think, am I doing the right thing?So the surgery went well, besides being excruciating pain for a couple of days after, I think because my insides were screaming to reject the clips just clasped on them. I still get asked when I tell people if it’s reversible. I’m not sure why I would go through all that pain to reverse it! It was the most painful thing I have ever had done & I had a breast reduction 7 years ago, this was way worse!

Fast forward to today – Almost a year since the surgery, I haven’t regretted my decision & my weight has stabilised – even loosing more weight. There is only one down side & that is that when I am seeing someone, I can’t just skip my period & have sex whenever I want. I have to plan carefully when I can see a guy.

I tell this story as part of my blog as it is part of my story. I guess you will have to wait & see how much the will affect future relationships.

#IBD4U

On a weekend away with 2 girlfriends, I know I am annoying them by talking about Noodle, but fuck I just can’t help it. I mean I still talk about Boyfriend & Milky even Origin. Especially since starting this blog, I talk about these men more than ever. We talk about my blog a lot because we’ve also been looking at developing it into a podcast. This weekend is a bit time for us to plan & develop this.

During the weekend, with all the talking about exs both my friends ask me why I don’t fight for Noodle? It’s been 5 months since I last spoke to him, I’ve just had my leader of a broken heart epiphany, Why don’t I fight for it? I honestly think this every day. I know he’s thinking I don’t care for him & that I’ve moved on – he said that to me several times when he was trying to end communication with me the first few times & so he’s making his life what he can with her, still believing he is happy.

I do want to fight for him, I want him so badly, even now… But I also can’t – there are too many things that happened that I can’t forgive right now. I am not in a position when I can really handle him telling me for the 4^th time that he is not leaving her, giving me bull shit excuse after bull shit excuse as to why! I get that he’s scared of losing his kids & scared she might hurt them, herself or him, but I’m not sure I can hear the excuses again.

That night, after a few drinks, I am in bed thinking about it nonstop, “should I fight for him?” I decide that I need to ask a magic 8 ball for some guidance… I am not usually like this (or believe in a magic 8 ball) but I need something to make the decision for me so with Phoebe Buffay’s Voice in my head “Ohh it’s not a toy” Hahaha. So I download an app on to my phone, saying to myself, whatever it says – I will do, even if it says no, no questions asked. I will drop it.

Download complete, I open the app, shake my phone & say “Should I fight for Noodle?”Fuck! I was not expecting it to say that!

Immediately, I think of ways I will get in contact with Noodle. If I text him she might see it & it might cause drama or he might not respond. If I call when I know he might be at work then he won’t have time to chat. I think I could stand at his car on a Tuesday night & wait for him to come out of work, tell him I am still in love with him & never stop thinking about him. I think about using an app that I don’t even know if he is on anymore or not. I think about going to his house, I just need to follow what the magic 8 ball said.

I struggle to sleep that night, I wake up numerous times thinking about what I could do to see him, to actually make him listen to me. I know her maternity leave is coming to an end, their oldest would be starting school at the same time, so maybe even I could go to his house?

I am now insanely overthinking this… I was in a better position before my friends confirmed what I have been thinking for 5 fucking months! Now that I know that they are thinking I should fight for him, I can’t stop thinking that I should fight for him!

When I wake up from that shit sleep, it’s almost like something has switched in me. I am not ready to face Noodle & I know that he is not ready to face me. I know I can’t live my life thinking that he & I might be together in the future (& I am not living my life like that) but I don’t want to ruin the chances of that happening by trying to push it too soon, before either of us are ready. Although if he ever reads this blog, I’m pretty sure he won’t want to be with me anyway… or maybe he’ll actually realise the depth of my feelings for him? I hope the latter, but again I’m not holding out hope that he & I will be together.

So while the magic 8 ball told me to fight for him, I choose not too… To be really honest with you, the only reason I won’t fight for Noodle is because of his children, but not because I don’t want kids. I was actually so excited to have his kids in my life, but because I am scared what she might do – to him, to them, to herself… However the kids deserve better than to see their mum & dad fight, verbally & physically. It hurts & pains me, but I know, magic 8 ball or not, that I am making the right decision.

#IBD4U

Goodwin messages later that afternoon to see how I am, but I was napping. He doesn’t reply – yeah I knew I wouldn’t catch up with him twice in one day. I don’t know what it is about men, why wouldn’t they be open to casual sex twice in a day? Is it that he has to travel to me? Why didn’t he message to see if I could pick him up from his party? Did he pick up or did he ?

He messages the next day saying that he is hungover as fuck, I respond then I get nothing in return. He reads my message that he could reply too but doesn’t… Fuck, this guy is fucking annoying!

After Christmas I get a message asking how my Christmas was, but then he doesn’t respond. After a day at the beach with friends & a couple of beers, I’d had a wine & beer when I got home because I was bored & was sitting there a little horny & so I message him. He doesn’t respond till the next day (what a surprise) saying that he was out with friends & what did I get up too. We message a little bit & get onto 3sums but he never offers to see me again. It makes me realise how much I want a proper FWB, but what I really want is an actual boyfriend. I am sick of this messaging about what I want sexually with 20 different men but never actually getting it.In the new year I get a message asking if I’m back at work, I toy with not replying because this guy isn’t a FWB at all, he’s not even a benefit at this point – nor is he a friend. I stupidly reply because I haven’t had sex since I saw him last & I have no one on the roster. When I reply he says that he is hoping to see me today in an hour, about 12:45 pm, so I figure, I can squeeze him in before the beach, then at least I have some fun for the new year. I’m constantly thinking about Noodle & his sex life. (WHY I HAVE NO IDEA!)

He says I’m an aggressive kisser, I ask WTF does that means & he says that it’s a compliment & I should take it. Not many people kiss with their tongue & I use mine a lot apparently (don’t they? Who doesn’t kiss with their tongue?) but when I say maybe he could’ve said I was passionate not aggressive, he agrees that he used the wrong adjective – I’ll say…. OMG who wants to be aggressive?! He says he’ll finish up work & let me know when he’s on his way.

2 hours later, I still haven’t heard from him, I’ve cancelled the beach trip for this guy at this point but also because the wind has picked up & it’s not so hot –  so my friends & I decided not to go. I organise to play pool with a friend, so I need to leave in 45 minutes. He finally messages saying that he’s about to leave work, almost 2 & a half hours later. I say that was the longest hour in history when he replies “Give me a break, first day back at work, more to do than I realised” I’m like dude, it was your idea to leave work & meet me, not mine!

20 minutes after he says it’ll take him 25 minutes to get to my house & I say that I can stretch it (because I know my friend will understand as she likes sex as much as I do & also it’s not set in stone that I meet her at 4:00 pm), he messages to say that he’s just leaving… Like seriously WTF? Does this guy want me to just say no? Why didn’t he start messaging me at like 11:00 am to catch up if he didn’t really want too. I don’t even understand what is happening right now.

I stupidly write back ‘speed’ & allow him to come over even though I have less than 10 minutes to fuck him, but seriously, there is something wrong with my vagina! Hahaha… It wants sex when it can get it, which lets face it, isn’t getting a lot lately. Last year I had like 5 FWB in the rotation, fell in love with one of them, this year I can’t even find a dude to fuck me when I’m free. But again I don’t want to keep adding notches to my bed post, I never wanted to fuck as many men as I have since Noodle, so when I find someone that’s good in bed, I try not to let them go. I am constantly thinking that Noodle didn’t love me because he is probably out there fucking other women. But I am out here fucking other men to get over him… So I can’t keep thinking about the women he might be fucking.

Goodwin gets to my house & we kiss, he tells me that I’m shorter than he expected, I suppose last time I was in bed the whole time lying down. He takes a while to get his shirt off & as he’s pulling down his very tight pants he tells me that he came off his bike & has broken both his feet, as he peels his pants down & shirt off, he’s covered in band aids. He struggles to take his pants off & I say that’s probably because they’re so tight. I have my dress off & am waiting for validation that he thinks I am hot in my undies but he doesn’t say anything. His eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s always did…

We fuck & it’s good, he uses a vibrator again to make me cum then gets me to suck his cock to cum himself – which doesn’t take very long. Lucky that he used the vibrator otherwise this would have been a waste of time. I am all for using a vibrator during sex however if that’s the only way this guy will get me off, do I really need him? I can do that myself. Although I always say that a vibrator doesn’t touch or kiss you but right now I am scared to kiss him because I don’t want to be too aggressive.

Afterwards he leaves & I don’t ever message him & he doesn’t ever message me. About 3 months later, he sends me a shirtless picture… At least it’s not his cock I guess. He tells me that he hasn’t had sex in 2 months & that he moved to Byron Bay for a few months, I end up send some pictures of me at Switch (stories to come) & we don’t really chat much after that. I guess my kink scared him off.

He comes back after another few months & tells me that he didn’t think I was into him which is why he didn’t keep messaging me. What the fuck would give this guy that idea?! I mean I replied to every message & invited him over, what more does he want?!

We agree to catch up the next day, he says that he can’t wait to see me & get some of my “dirty kissing” I write back saying that I am excited to see him too, that I woke up thinking about it today.

At 6:00 pm, I still haven’t even heard from him, nor has he read my message. I am so angry, he was only just saying that it’s shit when men bail & as if anyone would bail on me – blah, blah, blah! The next day, yes the next day at 11:00 am he messages to say “Fuck. I just got home. Had a huge weekend in the end. Phone went dean & no on had bloody google phone chargers. Stayed at my mates  & we ended having a Sunday sesh as well. my apologies.

I ignore & he tries yet again a few months later after I have been though a lot with me – more stories to come… & He says that he was around the corner from my house. I ignore him again… I am done with this guy. Why the fuck do I keep giving these douches such a chance?!

#IBD4U

Little did I know who this guy was when I first met him. He is one of the teachers at Rope & the friend that I met there introduced me too. I didn’t realise that he was in my group on the chat app until she said. She introduced us & I went to my beginners area. Later during the class I’m stuck with a guy just tying my wrist, thinking this isn’t that fun, when my friend ask Ripples to tie me in a TK. I really enjoyed that & think that if I have a regular rigger, I’ll enjoy rope – not necessarily for a sexual thing but for a more of a public display. I have mentioned Ripples a few times in previous posts.

I work out that I have chatted to Ripples a fair bit on Fetlife (kinky facebook) ages & ages ago, even long before I met Noodle. I never knew who he was. He’s not Ripples on the chat app, but I heard someone call him Ripples at rope & I put 2 & 2 together. But because he had no pictures up, his age said he was close to 50, & because it’s me, I never kept the conversation going. Plus I guess I met Noodle & didn’t really go on my Fetlife account much, except to share pictures of Noodle, not that I used it much before Noodle or really at all since.

Ripples & I chat on the chat app a bit more & he ends up tying me up at Sleezeball too, afterwards he asks if I’d be interested in a more private setting, he’d come to my house & practice some rope that he was planning for a party he has coming up. I agree a little apprehensive because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea about what I wanted from him. I also don’t really know him all that well & I’m allowing him to come to my house & tie me up. I let a friend know what is happening & ask her to check in on me if I haven’t text her a few times throughout the night. Safety is a very important thing when you are entering a kink scene with anyone.Ripples comes to my house & it’s fun, he tries out a few ties & takes a few pictures too, I love sharing them in the chat app group because I’ve become a bit of an exhibitionist I guess since meeting a few others that are willing to share too. I guess sadly, I’m validating my existence by being in these chat groups. But at this point, I know I am still sad over losing Noodle, but I trying to move on & not think about how much he would hate any of this. I am enjoying it for now & even though I tell Ripples about the recent break up (although he knows a bit from the chat group) I relax with him & enjoy the session. He shows me a few new ties that I obviously haven’t had before, taking pictures & sharing them with me later.

A week or so later, he asks if I want him to come over again, I say yes, I had fun the first time, he says that he’s bringing a friend who wants to watch. Ok, bit weird – I’ve never had this before so it’s a bit weird for me, but I am open to the idea, but alright, this is just about rope anyway. She just sits & watches as he ties me up outside, I try to make conversation but I’m also trying to concentrate on staying still. He ties me in a TK where my hands are behind my back then lifts up one of my legs. When he says that he’s going to tie up my other leg, I worry a bit that my pergola isn’t going to hold me. I think I am in my head too much for this, this is my first time suspended but also I am worried as I am wearing a dress & I am concerned about my undies or what they are both thinking about me.

But my pergola does hold me… I end up being tied by my arms, which are behind my back & legs like superman in a way. He takes some photos but because I’m being bitten by mosquitos, I say we have to go back inside. He tries out another tie with some purple rope that’s a little more scratchy, but I like it.We message later & he says I should come to his place because he has a space where he can tie me. He’s now in a relationship with the chick he brought to my house so I am more at ease with him. I know he is tying with someone so he’s not going to be someone I can tie with Monday nights but I am more open to tying with him & learning how to be a proper bunny. I really want to let go & learn more about this art form.

I do feel though that this will be better with a partner, a regular rigger regardless of if I am in a relationship with them or not, I do want someone to get to know what I like, what I don’t like, how to do it right. I feel like this is the same thing I am looking for in a sexual partner.

#IBD4U

So I’ve posted other blogs about what women want men to know, written by others & other types of blogs but I’ve never written one myself. There are things men should know when they are dating a woman, a woman like me who is an overthinker. This is not a one size fits all post, lets get that straight now, however, I’m sure this is pretty relevant for some of my readers… Especially the overthinking ones!

A friend once said to me that I have high expectations & it made me think. Yeah I do, I follow though, if I tell someone I am going to be there at 5:00 pm, then I am there at 5:00 pm. So I expect the same from them, you know 10 minutes late for me is considered extremely rude. So I am on the fucking dot. I’m that annoying friend, I know! Hahaha. If I say that I am going to text someone, then I text them – I don’t say I will if I won’t. I might intend on texting someone & forget, but I haven’t set up that expectation that I will prior – if that make sense. Does that mean my expectations are too high because I expect the same thing in return? I don’t think so, but my friend does.

I know I obsess & I twist words to suit myself sometimes, (or all the time hahaha) you just have to read this blog to know that’s what I do, I am aware that I do it & I try to think rationally a lot more now that I used too, but I’m sure I’m not alone here… I am a true overthinker with major self esteem issues – who has also been very recently diagnosed with anxiety. (So even the thought of the Cocktails with #IBD4U that is coming up in January 2020 – check out my Facebook invite – is stressing me out – even though I want to meet you all so badly, I am worried!)

People reading my blog contact me all the time saying they feel like they could’ve written some of my blogs, so I’m assuming it’s because people are similar to me & I’m not alone in this. I over think, I obsess, I twist words to suit me & I get angry when things don’t go my way. I don’t mean too, I just do… I’ve been single a long time. It’s annoying when things don’t go my way.

So I’ve been thinking about what I want men to know about me, or about the type of person I am…. I have been drafting this list for a while, I have a lot more male readers than I ever thought I would have, so here are some things that I want men to know. Well mainly here is a list for any future guy that I may date…

1. Be honest, if you want a hook up, then just say it. Don’t tell me you want a relationship when you really just want to get your dick wet.
2. If you say you’re going to text or see me. Then do it!
3. Make plans – don’t make me wait. If you want to see me again, ask me.
   • If you don’t, then tell me, so I am not waiting around like a loser.
4. Be chivalrous, offer to pay sometimes, pull out the chair & open the door.
5. If you don’t have time to reply to my message, then I’d prefer if you didn’t read it. Just wait till you have time to read & reply. I hate when my message is read but not responded too.
6. Don’t be late…
   • If you are late, text your ETA prior to the original time
7. Don’t play with your phone when on a date, unless you’re using it to show me something. Same goes for your smart watch.
8. A lot of effort goes into getting ready prior to a date (even if it’s just Netflix & chill!) – Shaving, waxing, shaping, straightening, exfoliating, changing sheets etc (things men obviously don’t think about), so bailing last minute is beyond rude.
   • If you do have to bail last minute, then apologise & set up the next time to catch up.
9. Don’t ghost. Ever. Be a decent human being & tell the person that you’re no longer interested!
10. If you like me, tell me. I am dumb when it comes to feelings, I don’t know.
11. Start out as you intend to go on. If you text me daily, I expect a text daily, don’t let it dwindle off as you lose interest or get me where you want me. We don’t have to text all day, but at least a good morning or good night message would remind me that you are thinking of me.
12. I am affectionate but I struggle with showing it first. Please help me out by making the first move.
13. Don’t say you’re busy or been busy as an excuse. It’s SO offensive. I am busy too, but you can’t be that fucking busy you can’t reply to my message in a 24 hour period.
14. Flirt but don’t be a creep about it.
15. Don’t send me a picture of your cock. If I want to see it, I will see it in real life.

I’m sure there are more things to add to this list – Which I know makes me seem high maintenance, however, I’m really not… All you need to really do, is text me back & not be a hoe! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

This guy will also be a relatively short one too. I will have a lot of these shorter ones coming up actually – I didn’t use to write about people I never met, but some of these stories are worth the read. Hahaha. They are part of my story & I think they need to be told just as much as the major stories, because the choices I make in the significant stories are because of how the smaller insignificant stories have shaped me too.

So this guy Big Show joins the chat group by being added by someone I have become friends with, they don’t seem to be together so it’s ok & I think he seems pretty nice, his picture is him in a mask covering most of his face but he seems to have nice eyes. I private message him first, which again is unheard of as you know, but I am trying to move on here, I am trying to do different things.

We chat, he’s a FiFo (Fly in, fly out worker) & I think this is perfect. A friend constantly tells me that I need a FiFo worker because then I can be alone when I want & be with him when he’s home. It’s the perfect relationship! Hahaha…So I think this might be perfect, just what I need.

But this guy ends up sending me pictures of his dick & then jerking off videos – remember the first one I ever got & I was appalled, now I don’t even bat an eyelid, I just watch it & think why the fuck does a guy you don’t even know think that is sexy or will turn me on?

Anyway we talk a lot, almost daily about general shit, not all day like I have been used too but we chat a fair bit to be honest. Why does this always get me into trouble? Why am I addicted to the chat?! It’s good to have a distraction & not just a guy trying to meet me for sex & then ghost me. He can’t meet me, he works away!

We chat though out the day & I also tell him that I have a lingerie fetish, it started with Noodle, but I still have it & am still buying stuff – not even sure who is ever going to see it again but I am buying stuff. So Big Show asks me to show him, I send him a lot of pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I have sent a lot of pictures in the past. But I don’t often send pictures to people I don’t even know – I haven’t actually seen this guys full face yet & here I am sending him picture after picture of me in lingerie.

As I start to trust him a bit more & we chat more, I open up about fucking married men, not on purpose, but I tell him about the recent debacles I have had & he askes if I’d do it again & I say no I wouldn’t. I may not know what I want right now from a man, but I know that I don’t want to fuck another married man as long as I live. That’s when it hits me… He’s fucking married! Why else would a guy ask that question?! He says that he is & I fucking throw my phone down & scream into my pillow. I feel like such a wanker! What the fuck, I have been sending his pictures all fucking day! I have been opening up about things that are really painful for me to talk about & this guy is bloody married.

I ignore his message that says “But I have a goal im trying to achieve” OH like whatever dude… Fucking achieve your goal without hurting another woman… That just fucks me off more. The next day he says “I guess it’s cya later then” I stew on if I should write back or not for hours. Till I snap “You should’ve been honest with me… I shared a million fucking pics” He says that I never asked, which infuriates me even more. I tell him that it’s a cop out & he should’ve told me. A week later he sends a message “Sorry” I tell him that it was a delayed reaction & he says “Haven’t been on the chat app for a while. But with that response I’m not sorry then” I ignore him, I bet he hasn’t been on the chat app because he was home with his wife!

A couple of days later, I haven’t replied to him so he send “As much as I say I am not sorry hahah I really am. I just hate attitude” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I ignore him, as much as I want to write back, at this point, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I fucking hate this interaction now. I can’t believe that this is what online dating is like now.

The next morning I wake up to a picture of his cock… Seriously!

I am thankful that I get a new phone around this time & so my chat app history is deleted… I hate that I have been through this yet again, it seems like this kind of bullshit will never stop for me… With a new phone, new chat app account. I delete everything & am only in a couple of groups with friends. I pull right back & stop using the app a lot. I need to gain some of my sanity back!

#IBD4U

This is going to be a very short one, so don’t settle in with your morning coffee expecting a juicy post! Sorry, spoiler alert! New Year’s Day 2019, I see a notification pop up on my phone from the online dating app, so I look because I’m not doing anything else. This guy has added me, I return the like, we exchange the usual pleasantries & then he asks for my number. I generally don’t give out my number, so I ask his name & why his name on the site is Newtovic. He says he’s in Adelaide but has been interstate. He gives me his number & I think why not, we’ll send some texts & all will be well. So at this point, we’ve sent about 10 messages on the dating app to each other, so this is really quick for me, before I am sending him a text saying ‘Hey Newtovic, its #IBD4U’ within seconds my phone is buzzing in my hand & my wrist is buzzing from my watch with a number not saved in my phone. Surely he’s not calling me? FUCK. I absolutely hate when they do that! This is why I don’t give out my number.

I answer the phone, it is him… Insert eye roll here… He tells me that he’s moving house but the owner has just reneged on the offer so he’s had to stay at his hotel because he’s just moved to Adelaide. I’m not sure I believe this to be honest, but anyway. We talk alright for a few minutes but then there’s an awkward silence where he says he was just checking a text about another house option & I wrack my brain for an excuse to get off the phone as it is a little awkward right now. I get the feeling that he wants to dirty talk with me or is looking for a place to stay tonight, I’m not really 100% sure what he wants, but I know that I don’t want to meet this guy yet. If the conversation doesn’t flow well on the phone, it probably won’t flow well in real life. But he asks me if he can take me out on a date & I say that he can – not sure if I want to go… He says that it’ll be a nice dinner & some flowers – sounds ok. I say he doesn’t need to buy flowers with a little laugh as that would make me feel uncomfortable, I think. We talk a little more but the we say goodbye & before he hangs up, he says that it won’t be the last time I hear from him.

I think ok, it was a tad awkward but it was a phone call, a phone call I wasn’t prepared for, so let’s just see what happens when we meet face to face – see if he follows though with the flowers! I mean give the poor guy a go, he put himself out there by calling me & I did start the call by asking why he is calling me. Whoops.

A day later, I go online & he’s deleted me! WTF… Fuck me, really? I guess that will be the last time I hear from him after all! A friend says maybe he will call or text, that maybe he’s just deleted his online account. Oh I love her optimism. But no, I will probably only ever hear from this guy again if he’s horny & it’s really late at night, otherwise never again!

Ironically, a year later & I never heard from this guy again… I am not really sure why people do that… The “We” talk. We’ll do this, we’ll do that, when they have no intention of following though with it.

Again, with meeting people like this… I just miss Noodle. Nothing stops me from thinking about him, fucking nothing.

#IBD4U

I meet this guy online, we start chatting easily, he starts off by saying I must be very popular as other profiles are awful, I guess that’s meant as a compliment?! So I ask how, I don’t think my profile is that great, he says that there aren’t many appealing women or any that he would go on a date with. I assume he’s trying to give me a compliment, but he’s not doing a very good job.

Then he says something interesting “I’m not even asking for an exclusive relationship I just wanna adore a lady if she sees others.” my interest is piqued, even though I don’t like to chat about my kinks & sexual history with men because it always seems to get me into trouble, but I figure he’s trying to tell me that he wants an open relationship, which is pretty much where I think I will go if I ever find someone, because I have been alone so long, I don’t know if I can be monogamous, I mean I was in love with Noodle & kissed T-Bone, I also fucked Orbit while with Noodle… I don’t know if I can be monogamous. I am not sure how an open relationship would work for me at this point, I mean it wouldn’t be like Max & Sweetie who has regular FWB, but parties & other couples might be ok. I’m not sure, but I definitely won’t want to cheat.

He asks me if he can tell me what he is looking for, but he doesn’t want me to freak out & block him. Oh seriously, I sure can pick em! WTF will he say? “I’m one of those guys that likes cuck relationships” Oh phew… I kinda gathered something like that being he said he didn’t want exclusive… For those of you going WTF is a cuck relationship, it’s more commonly known as a Cuckhold relationship, where a male will encourage his partner to sleep with other people because it turns him on. In Free85’s case the jealously turns him on. There are different aspects to it I guess, if he wants to be tied & forced to watch or he wants to tell the guys what to do, or even if he doesn’t want to watch but just wants to hear about it later on.

It’s not entirely sure this is what I want, as usually a Cuck is a submissive, I want a more dominant man. I am mostly submissive, so would I be able to be the dominant one? I guess I am dominant in life. But I figure he might be fun so I keep talking to him & share some kinks of my own with him, including some rope pics, when he says I’m too good to be true & he thinks I might be all talk. Well he might be all talk too, like a lot of guys!He disappears for a few minutes, so I move onto something else on my phone, I get a notification that he’s messaged but I don’t go back into the app right away. As I do, I see he’s sent a pic, it’s just of his body & he looks quite good to me. By the time I go back to the chat I see he’s sent another picture which I click on & it’s his cock. FUCKING HELL! I tell him that he was doing so well till he sent me his cock. He says that he thought he’d lost me. Double what?! So the response to someone not replying is a dick pic? So my panties drop? LIKE WTF.

He says well you didn’t reply, I was trying to get your attention because I have his. I think about my reply before Then he sends “GAYYYYY” OMG is he 12? Wtf is happening? We were having such a good conversation! Then he says sorry miscommunication, I’m say that I’m not sitting on my phone waiting for his replies but he says he got impatient because he doesn’t find people like me often & he got in a huff & that I should relax. I say I’m not sure how he’ll cope with being jealous since he got in a huff when I didn’t reply in one minute. He says sorry again & that he put his foot in it (I’d say he put his cock in it! Hahaha.) I tell him that my biggest pet hate is a unsolicited cock shot & I’m going to sleep. He says he’ll see me Friday. Fuck this guy is going to Switch! I forgot about that… Also my stupid face is up on the bloody app so he’d know who I was… I mean I’ve been approached before at events people asking if I’m the person they think I am.

At Switch that Friday, I don’t really know who he is as we’d not exchanged face pictures yet, he knew my face but I didn’t know his. But thankfully I never saw him… I don’t know if he went or if he didn’t but I am thankful that I didn’t see him. He never came up to me to talk so I can only assume he watched me from a distance (creepy) or he didn’t go. I had informed a few friends of his potential appearance, but luckily we never saw him. I also deleted the app straight afterwards. I am so over douches!

This kind of shit though reminds me why I fell in love with Noodle & makes me miss him even more. I want someone who puts in effort. They say that a man will chase what he wants, well when will I have a man that chases me?! Rather than me having to “give them a go.” I hope that one day I will get over Noode… & soon… This dating round-a-bout hurts so much.

#IBD4U

I’ve never been to Maslin Beach, I always hated people joining a group on the chat app & saying they are heading to Maslin, who wants to go? Like it’s the only kinky thing to do in Adelaide or the only beach. For those who don’t live in Adelaide, it’s a suburb in the south of Adelaide with a beautiful beach, which in 1975, was declared Australia’s (yes Australia’s!) FIRST official nude beach. Yeah way-to-go my humble little home town for being so progressive! Interesting fact for you, the suburb is actually called Maslin Beach, not Maslins beach, however most south aussies just call it Maslin’s or massies.

So when the couple from the last play party invite me, I’m reluctant. I don’t personally think that because you go to a nudist beach it makes you kinky. But I figure this might be a good time to try it out – safety in numbers! The guy I usually go to the play parties with, LJ, is heading down there also on the same day & because I feel comfortable with him – even though we’ve never fucked or seen each other naked, I think ‘Fuck it. I’m going to go.’ I have wanted to try new things, so why not. I know Noodle would hate this too, but that’s not why I do it… I just need something else in my mind besides him fucking his partner.

I obviously wanted to meet someone in the car park to walk down with me, I know it’s sort of off the beaten track. I am not really sure of the protocol & don’t know what it’ll be like being a single reasonable looking woman – again I think it’ll be full of older men, who will be like a moth to a flame. The married woman from the play party also talks about the fact she doesn’t take off her bather bottoms, which makes me at ease because I don’t think I can take mine off just yet. As it is, I’ve only just been going to the beach this summer in my bikini (no singlet or shorts like usual), I’ve never taken my top off in public.

I arrive at the carpark before they are there – feeling a little nervous. Walking around is a skinny old man with long grey hair – longer than mine (& mine is about down to my bra strap). I see another older man, in his 60’s+, with really grey hair & really skinny, wearing oversized shorts & t shirts with those velcro sandals, you know the type I’m describing. It makes me weary. What have I got myself into here?! My couple friend get there & we start the long trek to the beach. We set up a camp & they strip off, I take a deep breath & take my dress off, then my top & to be honest, I am uncomfortable for about 2 minutes till we’re walking into the water. In the water I can hide, but it’s freezing till you get used to it.

We get out & my other friend arrives, LJ knows 2 other people on the beach so they come to join us too. I actually know one of them from the play party too, so they join us. Another guy that’s been walking around with a hard on & shirt, stops by & he knows someone in the group so he joins us too. I realise I know him as the dude who was hovering when I was playing air hockey at the play party.

We all go for another swim & just chill out on the beach with some wine & beers. I go for a walk with a couple of people to check out the whole beach & I am surprised how liberated I feel with no top on, even if my boobs are like a lighthouse beacon, bright white! We have a really good day & I am glad I was there with a bigger group of people than just by myself or one other person. Unfortunately there was a fair bit of cloud cover so we didn’t get an amazing sunset, but it is a bloody beautiful secluded beach!

(Ps. Picture is a real picture I took at another visit.)

A few tips & things I picked up as a new user of the naked beach, to those thinking of going. I definitely think people should go if they want to, it wasn’t at all like I expected. I guess I had that same type of idea about the play parties so it’s interesting that it was nothing like I expected, again! But here are a few things you may want to know prior to going:

• Safety in numbers for women. There were more men there than women, I’d say about 3:1, if not more. (maybe just the day I was there)
• There are a fuck load of stairs (which are weirdly spaced for my short legs) down a giant cliff face if you go from the closest top carpark – be prepared to take a breath or 2 when going back up. (I’m pretty fit & it was a bit tough going back up) The view is actually amazing though so take a picture!
• There is another carpark on flat ground but it is further away distance wise, it’s a long walk across the beach to get to the nudist part. (There’s a sign dividing the regular beach to the nudist part)
• Be prepared to see more penis than you’ve ever seen, the men the day I was there tended to walk around a lot. (A few were hard, one had a shiny cock ring, all different ages, shapes & sizes!)
• There is a rock over by the cliffs which is apparently the area people have sex, however if you have a tent, people may have sex but beware apparently people will just look in your tent if it’s not closed up.
• Don’t be scared to get naked, no one cares what you look like & if they do, who gives a fuck, they aren’t on the catwalk, so get naked & enjoy the freedom.
• Be prepared for people to look at you, even your friends. It was ok but just wasn’t expecting their eyes to wander as we talked. I mean I had a peek at them too, I’m only human! Hahaha.
• Careful when rubbing sunscreen into your boobs – one of my friends made a joke when I was, which was ok because I know him, but I did notice others watching & I was trying to be discreet.
• If the water is a bit cold (as it was for us) your nipples will stick out & your penis will shrink. That became a bit of a joke with my friends, which was good because it’s like the elephant in the room.

Anyway I had a really fun time, I think that everyone should be brave & go too, if that’s your thing. Since going, I have actually even ditched the shorts at the beach all the time & I’ve been going in, in just my bikini. I am finally getting some confidence! WOW.

#IBD4U

This guy is super-hot, he’s ripped but he’s one of those guys that I am not sure if that’s really if that’s how he looks right now or 10 years ago. I’ve been caught out before, when men send a picture & you think they’re cute & hot but then they’re not at all. I was always thinking that Crows would be the same, kind of hot in his pictures, but too good to be true… Crows was hot so maybe Goodwin will be too?

I start chatting to Goodwin (yes I make the first move as we’re in a group together) I even tell him that I never message anyone first, so he should consider himself very lucky if he likes me. He says he does so we chat a bit, I tell him about the recent break up with Noodle, not the ins & outs but I what I am looking for is not something too serious right now, he says the same – this could be the thing that I need right now, it’s just after I stopped talking to Noodle.

But Goodwin stops talking to me for a few months, I just assume he’s got someone else or whatever, it’s it the chat app after all. I have been seeing Crows on a regular basis at this time that I don’t really care too much. Men on the chat app are a dime a dozen. When Goodwin comes back I ask where he’s been because I am not going to be someone’s 2^nd option but he says that he was with a chick for a while & they broke up because he realised that he didn’t want a GF. I don’t respond to a lot of his messages because I am not going to make it easy for this guy. We chat on & off for a few months to be honest, I talk to him about all sorts of shit, but we never meet.

So after my epiphany last blog – Leader of the Broken Heart, I’m hoping that it would my goodbye to Noodle, I’d be able to close that chapter on Noodle & it’d give me the ability to move on, even though I want to message him so badly (even months later) & I that am not over him in the slightest. I’m still listening to that song & every other song by the band Papa Roach, so much so that I even subscribe (pay) to have premium YouTube so I can watch their film clips with no ads. I basically listen to song after song of theirs & listen to Periscope & Leader of the broken heart over & over again. I don’t know why I am torturing myself but it honestly seems to be helping. By avoiding anything Noodle, I was hurting myself even more.

At my work function, we get to have a few drinks… It’s a little emotional as there is a restructure going on & things are tense for everyone, I have drunk my weight in alcohol by the end of it, however this time I’m not puking in the toilets so at least that’s something!

Walking to the next bar, one of my colleagues bursts into tears, while consoling her, I follow suit (WTF I seriously never cry – I’ve gone from being a stone, but post-Noodle however now I’m a fucking wuss & now cry at the drop of a hat!) I figure tonight is going to be a tough night, I consider briefly hitting on a male colleague that’s being a bit cheeky with me but decide against that, so on the way home, I look online for someone to come over & keep me company tonight. I message Goodwin but I realise that it’s 2:00 am on a Thursday night, he doesn’t reply. A few people on the anonymous app do but they aren’t attractive to me, so I sadly buy the taxi driver hungry jacks & get dropped home alone.

I put on YouTube when I get home & the instant that Leader of a broken heart comes on, I burst into tears. I sob – I sob though Periscope too, I howl until I can barely breathe. I am so alone. I don’t even have a FWB I can call. I cry while singing, I usually am able to control myself when I look in the mirror so I stand in the bathroom looking at myself, but that doesn’t work. I just have to cry. Let it all out. This type of crying doesn’t happen to me often or ever really, but I must need it.

Finally sleep finds me about 3:30 or 4:00 am, I wake up at 7:00 am (WHY?!) with sore as fuck eyes from crying so much & lack of sleep. I also wake to find a message from Goodwin asking why I was up so late, I explain I was at a work function & he said he’s going out tonight & what time am I picking him up. We talk for a little more when he says he can be at my house at 10:00 am this morning. I agree having had a shit night, I needed some good sex & also hadn’t had sex since the Cowboy debacle. I need to erase that night! I say that if it’s good this morning, then we can also fuck again later, after his party.

As he’s on the way to my house, he says that a notification just popped up & he has an appointment – oh right, the old appointment excuse. I feel like an idiot but he says he’ll be 20 minutes. I stay in bed thinking I am just going to have to sort myself out when he messages to say he’s on his way. Wow, that’s a surprise! I ask if he wants me to stay in bed with the door open or if he wants me to meet him at the door. He says that he wants to door open – good because that’s what I’ve done anyway.

He looks exactly like his pictures – a young Heath Ledger, his body is hot AF. He is ripped. Hard abs, muscly arms. His body is hard as a rock, he definitely works out & takes care of himself. He’s dressed a lot like Crows always dressed like, white t-shirt, dark shorts, hat & street shoes. (if they’re even called that anymore.) He definitely looks a little like Heath Ledger. He puts his stuff down then I move over in the bed & lift the covers up, he sees I’m just wearing panties & says how hot I am but he’s going to be cold. I say that’s ok because it’s toasty warm in bed, we kiss for a few seconds before he gets up to get rid of his chewy. He gets back into bed with me, then gets up again to take off his top & shorts. He gets back into bed with his jocks still on (yeah he has Calvin Klein jocks – not shorts, actual jocks! Milky was the last guy I ever saw in jocks) we kiss for a bit more but he asks me if I have any toys (if only he knew!) I get a vibe out for him, he goes down on me all the while making this Mmm sound every few seconds, then he fingers me & asks if I like his fingers in me, which of course I do, then he slips the vibe in while I cum really quickly.

He jumps up for me to suck his cock, which I don’t think it my best work but within a few sucks he’s saying he’s going to cum. He cums, wipes himself up then starts getting dressed asking me a lot of questions like how long have I had this house, where did I get my bruises on my leg from, how last night was & how is my investment property is going. He kisses me goodbye & he’s gone. Right?! No sex, but I guess at least he made me cum. Though I could’ve just made myself cum with the vibe, saved him the trouble of coming all the way to my house.

#IBD4U

It’s been about 4 months since I read Noodle’s last email to me & I never responded (at the time of writing this blog – longer than that now, but this is still relevant! I wrote this end of December 2018.) He never tried again to get in contact with me – I check my junk emails sometimes & I used to check the anonymous app daily (even though I no longer post on it), just to see if he is still posting – I think he is but I can’t really tell… I avoid it as much as I can. I’m not sure how that makes me feel, I kind of wish he’d message me but I am thankful that he hasn’t, especially if he hasn’t left her.

I still think of him every fucking day, pretty much all day. I can’t get him out of my head. Probably because I’m also reliving it with you guys on this blog – which is part of the reason I wanted to speed up the progress of this story, it’s hard to relive feeling this shit… I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s or what our life would be like now or even what his life is like now – if he’s happy, if he thinks of me, if he wishes he made a different decision? Oddly I find myself thinking about his kids a lot too… Usually when my nieces & nephews are around – because they’re around the same age, I think of them playing together, I think of what our life would be like with the kids. I also think of little things I used to message him about my food or exercise or something someone said & I want to tell him. That’s when I have to use all my willpower to not message him.

It’s even worse that my job is very solitary, I’m in the car all day by myself a lot while I travel from country town to country town & listen to music – I’m very susceptible to lyrics (always have been), every song that has played in the 8 months since Noodle’s partner found out & we officially stopped having sex, has seemed like it was about us, a love story gone wrong…

He’s always on my mind since I have met so many dickheads, while he’s happy with his partner. I’m still on the dating round-a-bout from hell & I can only assume they’re happy & having wild sex (being she thinks that’s what he wanted or was getting from me.) Meanwhile, here I am – I can’t even use my bloody electric toothbrush because it reminds me of him…

One day doing a long day trip to Kingston SE (7 hour driving round trip plus the meeting) for work, where I find a Spotify play list “Your Top Songs of 2018,” I hit play wondering what I could’ve possibly been listening to this year, a couple of songs play & I crank it up belting out the tunes until a Papa Roach song comes on (one of Noodle’s favourite bands. Ironically I knew their first song from 2000 called Last Resort & a few others but not many. But after Noodle said he loved me & told me he realised because during one of their songs, I listened to every album & learned all the words!) This particular song today is ‘Leader of the broken heart.’

On the way home, the song comes on again & I hit repeat. The lyrics are so me right now. I feel so empowered. I know what it’s like to risk everything & still survive – I am alive! I gave it all to Noodle & it wasn’t enough. That’s not about me, that’s about him. But I finally realise that I must’ve given my all because I actually feel ok about it (I mean I am hurt, angry & still in love with the guy but I am ok), I am on the other side of this alive & kicking.

When Boyfriend & I ended, I crumbled & it took me years to get over it & I think it’s because I didn’t really love him & he didn’t love me. I was so bitter because I was never loved. Now, I know it completely fucking sucks that I don’t have Noodle’s love anymore, but I can at least say now that I know what it is like to love & I know what it is like to be loved. One of my biggest fears has always plagued me & scared me the older I get (at the time of writing I am 37), that I would die without ever being loved. I’ve told you that before, that’s hard to write & also hard to re read… I was 36 when I first fell in love… At least I can be thankful that I have been in love.

I may never get fully over Noodle – he is (or was) my best friend. I miss that more than anything. The way we ended will always plague me too – how he treated me with secret messages he still hid from her – while trying to sort out his life with her, only when it suited him & his situation, but I am ok! I am alive.

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – for those who want to listen.

All the lies you told are now the truth
Here I am with nothing left to lose
Now that I’m crawling in my skin
Maybe it’s time I just give in
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Holding out for more than I deserve
And hanging on to all your careless words
Maybe it’s time I cut the cord
Maybe I stay and take some more
I’ve become the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts
I’m the leader of the broken hearts

And now I finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize

And now you finally know what it feels like
To risk everything and still survive
When you’re standing on the battlefield
And all the pain is real
That’s when you realize
That you must’ve done something right
‘Cause you’ve never felt so alive

Songwriters: Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / James Michael / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Tobin Joseph Esperance

Leader of the Broken Hearts lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

I may never have what I had with Noodle with another guy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have 2 regrets from my involvement with Noodle & they are probably not what you’re thinking. I don’t regret getting involved with a partnered man (though I do wish he was single – however I don’t think our story would have gone the same way), I am not at all proud of what I did or what I was a part of but I don’t regret that part. I also don’t regret falling in love or being loved by him – I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat.

My regrets aren’t about me, but I regret that someone else got hurt, she didn’t deserve that & neither did their kids, even though they’re young, they got caught up in this too – one of them is old enough to remember. They definitely don’t deserve that. I am not that type of person to be vindictive or hurtful, so I am sorry I hurt someone else. The kids are the reason why I didn’t do anything crazy, as much as I thought about it.

But my absolute biggest regret is that I didn’t tell Noodle how much I loved him – everyday, every time I saw him. I wish I told him to his face every time I saw him after we first said it. I wish I said it daily in messages instead of using the heart emoji because I was too scared to say the L word. They say more than words show how you feel, but if that were true, he would’ve believed in me more.

But he needed to hear it.

I needed to say it.

So my advice to you all is not to regret telling the people you love, that you love them! Turn to them & say it now… I would if I could… Words & actions are equally important.

So for now… I just have to put it out there virtually… Because I still feel the same… I don’t think that will ever change. But I have to move on.

But for now & always…

I love you Noodle

xxx

#IBD4U

I know I said at the end of Cowboy that I’d never have to see him again, but to my surprise, he did message me a bit after the coffee date. We were sporadic, not chatting for days, which is fine with me. I didn’t need to message someone everyday, I’d already been caught in that trap before with Noodle obviously. But it was kind of annoying as Cowboy would chat a lot then disappear for weeks on end then come back saying he’s so busy. I hate when people say they are so busy, like I’m not busy too?! I still get time to write back to a fucking message. You don’t have to message me all day but at least once in a few weeks would be nice & actually make me feel a bit better, like I’m not just a hook up!

He messages me to ask where I’ll be on a date near Christmas & I am going to be in Adelaide, he says that he is too & would like to catch up & have me spend some time with him in his hotel. I think maybe why not? But then he disappears for a few weeks again, coming back yet again saying how busy he has been – yeah dude, we’re all busy!! It’s the week before he’s in Adelaide & of course he starts messaging again to catch up, I say that I’m having a drink with a friend (date with LiveFastDieFun) but maybe afterwards I’ll catch up with him.

I don’t recall him actually asking me to meet him so I just say I’m on my way home expecting him to say come meet me, but he writes back to say that it’s a shame we didn’t catch up but maybe next time. I said ‘Well we could, you never asked’ he then proceeds to send me a screenshot of the conversation where he asked & I said I’d let him know… Jeez I’m so stupid sometimes!

So I say that I’ll meet him at the pub near his hotel, he says that he’s just finishing up & will be there. But I’m waiting for him for like 15 minutes. I was hoping he’d buy the drinks being it’s the day before pay day for me, but I look like a loser so I get myself a beer while waiting. When he rocks up he just sneaks up behind me but doesn’t kiss me hello or anything, just goes to get himself a drink. He sits down & the conversation flows more easily. This is just what I need after that boring date.

We have 3 more drinks & I think that I should stop since I have to drive, he does offer me another one though, but I decline. We somehow get on to a topic of asking which one? Like:

• Ford or Holden?
• Winter or summer?
• Chicken breast or chicken thigh?
• Peanut butter or Vegemite? (Where he says Promite! Gross!)
• Coke or Pepsi?

The funny thing is that we never pick the same thing, I ask him heaps of them when we get on the topic, which I can’t remember all of them now but only once do we agree so I high five him! He also tells me that he’s a liberal voter (we all remember Die Hard Liberal – at least he’s a bit different) but I realise that all our core values are very different. Ok so maybe we’re not going to be a lasting thing, but for tonight he’s just what I need. I know that this will piss Noodle off if he ever finds out, but do you know what, he’s pissed me off so much that I just want to hurt Noodle as much as he’s hurt me… Stupid part is that, that Noodle will never know what I’ve done since him… All in vain to fill that void…

The pub closes at 11:30 pm & I say I should probably head off, so he walks me to the corner, when I say goodbye but he says he’ll walk me to the car, I say it’s ok, I’m just across the road & I kiss him on the cheek & hug him, when he says that he should’ve invited me up to his room, so I say ‘You still can!’ then I do the unthinkable & lean in to kiss him. We kiss in the street for a few minutes before I’m aware we’re standing by the pub with people still in it & there are 2 people nearby too. So we stop kissing, he takes my hand in his & we walk back to the his hotel.

I hate this part, walking through the hotel feeling like a hooker. But we’re holding hands so maybe we just look like a couple? We get to his room, I look at his view – which is shit! Then we start kissing & undressing. He’s a good kisser, but he’s short, like he’s 5’3. We undress each other & he goes down on me – I will admit that he did a good job there. Then he says ‘It’s my turn’ & poked his cock in my face. He kept playing with me the whole time, but because I was so sensitive, I had to squirm away so I could concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I really hate when guys aren’t that vocal when you have their cock in your mouth, I mean I try to give verbal encouragement so they know when they do something good & try to react differently when they do something not so great. He doesn’t make any noise at all… Does he like what I’m doing? Who the fuck knows!

He asks if we should use a condom, I say ‘always use a condom’ then he gets his brand new box (which takes him ages to open) & puts one on. We have sex which is pretty good, then he lies down next to me & puts his hand over me rubbing my skin as we just lay there – I like when guys aren’t scared to touch you after sex. I’m not falling in love with him – of course, so it’s ok to be affectionate & it’s nice to know they want to touch you. Not more than 5 minutes rest & he’s kissing me passionately again, making me cum with his fingers before jumping up for another condom. This time he’s behind me, I’m on my knees, he spanks my ass a little but to be honest, for a Cowboy, I thought he’d actually spank me, not just tap my butt. The sex is good again & I basically fall asleep.

FUCK! I fell asleep. I wake up after he lies on the bed, so I get up go to the bathroom & realise that my period that had stopped, has returned from Private Party weekend, I hope he didn’t notice! Anyway I get dressed then kiss him goodbye.

No, correction! I hate this part more! Leaving the hotel after you’ve just fucked someone, feeling like an actual hooker! It’s 1:30 am & I am walking out the doors playing on my phone because I don’t want to make any eye contact with anyone. As I walk to my car, Cowboy is chatting in my group on the chat app but never messages me.

The next day he messages & we chat sporadically for the next few days until I’m out with friends on Saturday night & I send a message saying I wish he was in Adelaide tonight. Not 10 minutes later, I tell a friend that I caught up with him & she shows me a picture of him that he sent to her, it was taken when he was at the pub with me! Now, I’m not stupid, he can be chatting to other people, fucking other people, whatever he wants – we’re not exclusive, but fuck me, as if he is chatting to someone while actually sitting opposite me, just before I fucked him! Do I not deserve his undivided attention while he is actually with me? It’s so disrespectful. I am so fucking angry… He was chatting to someone else while on a date with me?! FUCK… I didn’t think my love life could get any worse!?

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I cry like a baby over this, not because I like him but because I am so fucking epically single, meeting douches like this, thinking that I have their attention while on a date with them, because Noodle (& other guys) always tell me that I can get any guy I want… Turns out I can’t even have a guy for a few hours to devote themselves to me, that’s all I asked of this guy…

I call him out on it, he says it was just a pic of his face, which I know because I have seen it, but I don’t care if it was his toe – you don’t message other women while on a date, especially when he told me he was messaging clients!!! He apologises, realising his error, but man I feel like such a fucking dick! I fucked him like an hour after he was messaging someone else! I never speak to him again & he is deleted eventually from my group.

Noodle was right about Cowboy.

Fuck, I hate even more!

#IBD4U

I’d been chatting to this guy for a while, he is younger, by a few years & quite cute, & to be frank with you. he’s the only guy chatting to me on the website I am on, that wasn’t just after a hook up, so I keep chatting to him. I alluded to the fact that we should meet up because I also don’t want to get into another texting relationship again. He agrees but we can’t meet for like a week due to me being away for work then the Private Party Weekend. So we planned a night out straight after work for a drink & perhaps dinner.

He says that he’ll let me know where he is as his job location changes a lot, that was ok with me, I said I’d just work later & meet him whenever rather than going home, then having to go back into the city. He says he’s taken his change of clothes which I think is so cute, I had done the same but it’s cute he had to tell me that – I wouldn’t tell a guy that. At least he wasn’t just using the “I’ll let you know” excuse & looking for a reason to bail. He seems genuine.

He messages to say to say he won’t be long but when I google he’s a 45 minute drive from the city, so I try to choose a place in the north of the city to make it easier for him & say that we’ll just meet at 6:00 pm. I am not far away so I get changed & leave work with 15 minutes to spare. As I get in the car at my work, he messages, so I check it to see where he is when he says that he’s already there sitting by himself. FUCK.

I tell him I have just left work & that I’ll be about 15 minutes. He says that traffic was good for him so he’ll just wait. (what else is he going to do?! Hahaha) But I get every set of fucking lights, my GPS also wants to take me through the city so I ignore it & go a weird way – which probably takes longer. I arrive at 6:10 pm, then can’t find a park, I hate being late so I pay for bloody parking, instead of finding a street park & run across the road.

I see him sitting at the table so when I walk up, I apologise for being late expecting him to stand up so I can kiss his cheek (no longer do I need to have the conversation about what to do when we met, I will just go in for a hug & kiss on the cheek! New confident me – remember I had this conversation with Origin) However he doesn’t stand up, so he makes it awkward & I just offer to get him a drink, because I’m going into buy a drink, he has half a glass there so I think he’ll say no, which is good because my funds are supremely low, but he says yes. Dammit, I think ok I’ve got $15 – it’s the day before pay day I’m always living paycheck to paycheck, but that should get 2 beers, NOPE. I need $17 dammit, so I put it on my newly paid off credit card.

We chat relatively easily but he looks so young, he’s quite cute but there isn’t a spark there for me, I gather he can feel it too – I mean we probably look stupid together, I don’t look my age but I don’t look in my 20’s. When I go to the bathroom, I come back & ask if he wants to head off, only an hour in, but he doesn’t stand up so what else can I do but sit back down. I start scratching my foot, I think I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. He offers another drink but I say no, then he jumps up to go to the toilet & as he’s walking off he’s like “I won’t be offended if you want to go now” OMG I feel so bad that I just say something like we’ll see when you get back. He comes back & sits down, I’m scratching like mad & say we should head off, I’m getting too bitten. We walk off down the road & I think he’s going to walk me across the road but he just says he’s parked down the street, so I turn back & give him just a hug goodbye.

I move onto my next event for the evening (see next blog – that I forgot about… Whoops) & get a message from LiveFastDieFun, but I don’t log back onto the app until lunch time the next day where I see his message saying that he won’t been offended if I don’t want to see him again. I feel bad, I’ve had this done to me a million times but I don’t think I’ve ever really had to do it. Usually if I don’t feel the spark I just never hear from them again. So I just say that I had a good time, but didn’t feel the spark & wish him well on his search. I was going to say we should be friends, but lets face it, I’m not going to be friends with him. He says he understands & think if the circumstances were different then it might’ve been different. I don’t bother replying. I wish I felt something for him, but I don’t want to waste anymore time with the wrong person. Yep, another one bites the dust!

#IBD4U

So I am invited to a Private swinger’s weekend, I know a few people just from the chat app but I’d met a few in real life too now through Rope & Switch, even Sleezeball, so I felt comfortable in going to meet people I didn’t know – meeting some people I didn’t know or hadn’t even chatted to ever before. I knew I was safe as it’s all about consent but was still glad I told a close friend where I was going, just in case – You never know right! This is why I think it’s really important that anyone kinky or embarking on a kink journey to tell people around them about what they are planning. I mean I’ve said it before, what if something happened to you & no one knew where you were because you were trying to keep your life a secret. I’m not saying you should all start a blog & tell everyone you know to read it, but at least tell one person close to you that someone is going to tie you up.

Unfortunately a month before, I get my period & when I look at the diary, I realised that the weekend away with these new friends, will be smack bang in the middle of my next one! Damn you Mother Nature! I am not on the pill anymore – I stopped it the day Noodle & I ended because I don’t like the hormones as I’ve discovered they cause a lot of my weight issues & lucky for me shark week is very regular & is only 3 days long, so I didn’t want to mess with that by starting to the take the pill for a short time while I am waiting to have my tubes tied (I don’t think I’ve told you that story, but I have seen a surgeon to start the process of having my tubes tied. I will have a blog on this later.)

So I pull out of the weekend & get my refund. The best part about leaving the group was that I didn’t have to see that suburb keep popping up on my phone as the group name when someone chatted, as it was the same suburb as where Noodle lives, I also wasn’t sure I wanted to go, because I was so scared I’d see him & he’d definitely think I am just driving past to stalk him because there is no other reason I would be in his suburb really. Not that I’d ever know what he thought but I don’t want him thinking that!

A couple of weeks later, people were still trying to get me to go to the weekend, a few people private messaging me, I explain why I can’t go but they tell me just to come anyway, I don’t have to play with people, I can just come meet others. I end up giving in after meeting a few more people at Rope, who will do some candle wax drips on my back for me that weekend. I am excited for this so I get re-added to the group. I guess I don’t have to have sex or I can warn the guy, being up front & he can make the decision himself. (Some guys are weird about it. Noodle was probably the weirdest, but he was wuss with needles & blood.)

I have a work event the Friday night that they were all going up, I don’t want to be there too early on the Saturday so I get my eyelashes done, wash my hair & I rock up about 3:00 pm on the second day of the weekend for everyone else.

After having to drive past Noodle’s street & freaking out a little bit (a lot actually) – pretty much hyperventilating that I would see him or worse his partner. I don’t want him to see me driving though his suburb & wonder if I am stalking him. Thankfully I don’t see him or her, so I calm down in the car before I walk in, I need to regain some of the equilibrium before I go in & pretend to be happy, pretend to be ok with walking into a house they have hired like I haven’t got a broken heart still.

I walk in & some people recognise me right away, others introduce themselves, everyone comes up to hug & kiss me hello & I reciprocate. I feel at ease straight away with this simple gesture from everyone. It’s just like hanging out with really touchy-feely friends.

I know a few people from the chat app but I haven’t met them all in real life, so I get a drink & start chatting to everyone. I feel a little awkward at first but think that I relax into it pretty quickly. Or I hope I do. There are a lot of people asleep apparently because they all had a big night last night, it’s 3:00 pm & so I just start drinking, working out if there is anyone here that I want to have sex with if the period gods are kind to me. I have told a few people that my period will come this weekend, one of the ladies I have become friends with on the chat app says that her husband won’t care & that he wants to play with me, his name is Mav. He’s never private messaged me but she says that he’s keen.

I drink a bit as people get up from their naps. Meeting a lot more new people, there seems to be more people than beds here, but I guess this a free for all kind of thing. There is a woman there who I didn’t really like to begin with on the chat app, she is an exhibitionist & shared a lot of pictures – I guess jealously was the reason why I didn’t like her, when I look back. I only kept her in the group because she kept it active, but I grew to like her a lot as we chatted more & I finally meet her today at this party when she woke up. It was an instant friendship & now she is one of my best friends, we spent all summer at the beach – much to my disgust throwing the tennis ball. Hahaha. (She’ll love reading that!) She is the type of woman who will give you confidence to do or be anything you want to be, I need her in my life right now, it seems little but she made me wear a bikini & only my bikini on the beach… I usually cover up with shorts & a singlet, but she is the type of woman to build up another women, not make them feel insecure, not bring them down with judgement… Honestly she is the best thing for me right now & I love her for that all forgiving, motivational friendship she gives me.

Anyway, back to the party, (Sorry this isn’t a blog about my friend, but more women need to be like her!) so, a bunch of the women seem to know each other & head off inside, I want to go see what everyone is up too, but I feel like I might be intruding. Another friend from the chat app & her husband who I’ve talked about before Holden arrive. I meet them outside, they are quite shy & even though they know everyone, they are a bit shy about coming in. I was too, so I meet them out the front. I introduce them to everyone, remembering how shy they are around new people.

It’s a good night, I drink a lot but don’t seem to get drunk considering there isn’t a lot of dinner around, I do eat a lot of Cheezels as they’re my favourite & the guy who did the grocery shopping, let’s call him Melon, bought a couple of boxes for me! What a legend!

When I go to the bathroom as the night wears on, I realise that I have my period. No one has asked to fuck me anyway so maybe it’s awkward or they’re letting me settle in. I had told them on the chat app that they would have to make the first move, that I am too self-conscious with no self-esteem to do that, plus there aren’t many single people here. Most people are in a couple, so I don’t know the rules here either. Mav’s wife has said the same thing on the chat app, however she starts talking to me quietly about how much her husband wants me but he’s also shy, the 2 of them are shy, I’m shy when it comes to the first moves, so yeah this seems like it’ll never happen! Hahaha. But Mav comes up to stand behind us, putting his arms around us both, he says something about making moves & so I lean in to kiss his wife as he’s being a smart ass. He says that “Well that backfired” & we both giggle. The 3 of us go to find a room, his wife isn’t going to stay, I quickly go to the bathroom & come back to kiss them before his wife leaves us… That was a bit awkward for me, but they seemed to be ok with it. I have pretty hot sex with him, considering I am freaking out about my period the whole time, I am able to let go & cum a couple of times. He doesn’t cum which is lucky in the then end because he realises that the condom has broken, so we stop.

After that, no one else asks to fuck me. The 2 that were going to do the wax animal on me leave early & so I don’t even get that experience. There are people there that say the next day that they could’ve done it for me, but they all knew as I’d talked about it on the chat app but I don’t want to bother people to do things that they don’t want to do – so I don’t ask…

After the weekend, we start planning another one for June long weekend next year, we find a place to go & start talking about planning it. I make the admin of the group change the name of the group because I’m sick of seeing Noodle’s suburb come up in my chat all the time.

However, the June long weekend never happens… I end up leaving that chat group… Something happened that weekend that caused a bunch of the women to not like me, I still to this day, almost a year later have NO CLUE what I did or apparently said but I said something to upset someone & then a few of them decided not to like me.

I have no problem with people not liking me, I do have a strong personality when you get to know me but I would at least expect some respect from the person that I upset or people that were there, they all know what happened but no one will tell me… I feel like I’m in high school when I see some of them & they ignore me but kiss my friend hello… Fucking awkward… Well I can’t apologise or explain myself if I have no idea what I said & no one will grow up & tell me…

This elephant in the room eventually eats it’s way into some other things in my life too, relationships on the chat app & also interferes with Rope – which I hate, people that I used to be good friends now don’t even look in my direction. It makes it horrible & I start to hate going…

The kink scene is a clique, I thought I had real friends within the clique, I knew I wasn’t the cook kid, I’ve never been a cool kid, but I didn’t realise that I would end up on the outskirts… Makes me fucking sad & reminds me that I am so fucking alone & still in love with a man who hasn’t spoken to me in months… I now also have to drive past Noodle’s house home from the weekend, that I had fun at & thought I was friends with these people, only to find out there was this drama a few months later… Yeah… Things are good for a short time, then they’re shit again & I can’t stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

I decide that I am going to go to another Play Party – I’m having a bit of a sex dry spell to be honest, I know I have fucked a fair few men since Noodle, trying to fill that stupid Noodle shaped void but I haven’t had sex for a couple of months… This time, I am going to go alone, however on the day on the party, the guy, LJ, that I went with last time says he’s going & I decide to ask him to meet for a drink first & we go in together. I feel a bit rude but he comes all the way from the north to the south to pick me up to take me back to the party, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We go out for a drink at a pub closer to the party & while at the pub, I see Elvis – like WTF! I point him out to LJ, because Elvis walks past us about 10 times when he didn’t really have too, I sort of look at him to at least smile a hello, but I never catch his eye. LJ says that Elvis even stares at me for the longest time. I try to ignore him since he doesn’t seem to look at me when I am looking at him. Whatever dude.

LJ & I rock up to the play party, there are way more people there than the last one, but after a quick sweep of the party there aren’t that many younger cute guys. LJ & I start the evening with a drink & play air hockey, when another guy joins in, to talk to us but then LJ & him disappear & I’m playing with a younger cute dude that was lingering around too. I say to this cute younger dude, ‘best out of 3’ to which I lose & ask what does he get for me losing. We both giggle & within about 10 minutes of being at the party, I am in a room fucking this guy! Hahaha…

The night goes quick there’s another guy I know there from the chat app, who is a little bit older than me – by maybe 15 to 20 years, so outside of my 10 year above, 10 year below rule, definitely not really my type but I do really like him as a person, but am not keen to fuck him. He’s in the spa so he asks me to get in & next minute I’m in the spa with a few people – mostly men. There are hands everywhere (which is apparently frowned upon being no one actually asked me to touch me – probably should’ve got them kicked out, now I look back), a couple of guys to get handsy, but I just keep moving away from them instead of saying stop touching me, as I am not interested in any of these guys who are apparently breaking the unwritten rules of a play party.

A couple get in the spa too & the woman is pushed to the edge away from me, but I like her – not because I am interested in women, but because she seems nice & seems to be pushed out of the group. So I try to engage her because I find it easier talking to women especially when I have men groping me! She tells me that they have been together since they were teenagers & they have been married for a long time, I think maybe close to 20 years & they are just trying to mix things up, this has been their first swingers party. I explain my experiences with the play parties, limited as it is.

When the party organiser says we need to get out, to let others have a turn, I agree, I feel a bit drunker than I was planning. A spa will do that to you… I get out, put on my bra & undies – which I usually get fully dressed but I feel ok just in my bra & undies, I do have a cute matching set on right now. So I walk around the party just in this.

The woman (that I was chatting to in the spa) & her husband ask if I will play with them & find another guy – I think why not… My first 4sum? Seems like a fun place to do it. So I decide to find the guy that was in the spa with us, that I know from the chat app. I ask him quietly & it’s like all his Christmases have come at once when I ask him to come into a room with us. Of course he agrees. We go into the back room which is my preferred room as it’s not full of personal effects, it’s just got the bed. It’s almost like a tacked on after thought building to be honest.

The couple want to play with us, so she gets started with the guy & I get started with her husband, but he is having technically difficulties with is equipment so it ended up being the other guy just fucking both of the women & the husband just played with me. Watching & touching… I’m not really sure if that’s a 4sum or not, but I guess there was 4 of us in the room so that would be the definition of a 4sum.

Afterwards, I feel confident to just walk around in just my underwear, venturing a bit futher into the party & I hang around with the couple most of the evening now, however I don’t find anyone else to play with that night. I feel comfortable with the couple & don’t feel creeped out at all like some couples make you feel. She is in her underwear too & I feel comfortable with both of them. I decide that there is no one left for me at the party that I want to have sex with. I say goodbye to the people I know, LJ had left earlier, not feeling well & asked the party people to look after me, so I say good bye to them & let them know I have an uber coming.

The wife of the couple adds me on the chat app & says that they went home shortly after I did. She messages me a few times since that night to see what’s happening. She seems really nice. They may be just good friends. They may be nothing at all, but at this point, I am happy to make some new friends. Who knows what might happen! This could be just the friendship I need to get me to stop thinking about Noodle…

#IBD4U

I was intrigued about Rope enough that I decided to get out of my comfort zone & go to another class on my own this time. Noodle isn’t coming back to claim me, I have to move on from that… As much as it hurts & as much as I want to run to him & have him comfort me – beg him to be with me, I have to find something new to occupy my time, I have to try new things. He would hate this, is that why I like it? I have also recently used an app that is not even for dating but just for meeting new people. I went to couple of events & made one friend but other than that it was a bit of a waste of my time. Maybe I need to put in more effort or maybe I just need more time to be alone. I mean I wasn’t going to these events just to meet men, I went to an event purely for women, thinking I could meet some new girl friends, but yeah it didn’t really work out that way. Maybe I needed to go to a few more than just 2 events, but anyway.

I’d know that the rope teacher who tied me up will be there, Ripples, so I wouldn’t be entirely alone. I also knew the guy who ran it after I’d seen him a few times now & at Sleezeball. I go along & only really know those 2 there, but there is another chick that I chat too on the chat app who asks my my nickname on the chat app & I smile, feeling a little shy knowing some of the things I share on the chat app. I actually also become a member of the Rope club on my second night! I end up with the beginners again & used a model for everyone else to see. Ripples does some fancier ties on me so I am not always just having my wrist tied for the entire 2 hours, which is the beginning of every class. It’s good that he’s keen to show me more ties as I don’t want to just be stuck waiting for a rigger & end up with all the newbies every week.

He shows me a tie on my leg, to see what that feels like, it’s so tight, but I love the feeling of it, the restrictiveness of not being able to move. If you get into the right head space, then it’s not causing me claustrophobia, it’s all a bit of a mind game.

I talk to some other people there, getting to know people & when I realise that one of the chicks running the thing also does wax, I ask her to do something for me, she says she will & even can picture what she will do & as my nickname is an animal, I ask her to do that on me one time. She says yes, next time I’m at Switch she’ll do it for me. How exciting! I love the wax pictures, so I can’t wait for this!

I am well & truly in this world now & I’m hooked. However I don’t want to have a guy act like Noodle & say things like “You need it – I can’t give you what you want” well, I don’t need it, but I like it – this is fun but if I met someone not so kinky, then I wouldn’t need to be here.. I am still here trying to fill that void, let’s not forget that fucking void in my heart still… But my kinky lifestyle will adapt to what the guy I am with enjoys too, it’s not all about me. I always enjoyed what Noodle & I did, it was different from every other guy & I had a lot of firsts with him (even though he never believed that!), so I was definitely never dissatisfied with him ever & I’m sure that if I had more time with Noodle & he was single, our kinkiness would’ve been a lot different, but we only had short times together with lots of car sex towards the end.

I can’t wait to go back to Rope, I do want to find a more permanent rigger so I can be suspended eventually & stop having just my wrist tied. I am also bruised for a few days from the rope just being on there for a short period of time. It was tight but I didn’t realise I would bruise like that so easily… I love a naughty bruise! (Not a hickey, but a fun thigh bruise!)

This is becoming something I like doing actually, so weirdly. It’s not about sex for me, I mean it could be but I like that it’s not just a sexual thing – especially at the classes. I don’t have a rigger, again so I am used a lot as the display bunny a lot of the time when I go, which has become weekly, giving up Mondays at the gym to be here. One time I get paired with this young single rigger. He’d never been before & I’m not claiming to be an expert, but he was a bit nervous but I got along with him, it wasn’t awkward like the first guy I ever got paired with.

He ties my wrist only for ages, he struggles to get the tie right, he just keeps saying how stupid he feels, it made me think that that’s how Noodle would feel & would act. So I reassure this guy to let him know he is doing a good job & that he’d get it. When he finally mastered the tie, he said he ‘felt like a king’ I literally laugh out loud. That’s so hilarious.

When he goes to the toilet, Ripples gets another rigger – lets call him Bor who was free to tie both my legs together to get me to feel that feeling. I explained to the guy that I bruise easily & he says that he can make sure I bruise, he trundles off & get a stick, I think what the actual fuck is he going to do with that, hit my shins? I’m not sure I’m ready for a stick to the shins… FUCK..

Anyway I trust the process & trust Ripples who has asked this guy, Bor, to do it. He ties both my legs together, really tight, I can feel that I am straining even when I try to straighten my legs a little. He then takes the stick & I think fuck, this is going to hurt, he is going to hit my shins. But he doesn’t. He slides the stick between the rope & twists. FUCK that bloody hurts. I’m wincing in agony but he just moves it up & down the rope at every join, doing the same.

I am in agony, but it’s a sweet weird agony. I enjoy it. I can feel that I am going to be majorly bruised from this. As he unties the rope I say that it hurts where one of the ropes have been & so he presses his finger into the dent & looks at me smiling – He reminds me of Noodle… SHIT. He then shows me why he has spiky wrist bands on, by using them to rub my sensitive skin from the rope. I love it & wonder to myself quietly, why the fuck I enjoy pain so much. I am so twisted. Hahaha.

I do bruise for 2 weeks after that, they are all over my legs that when it’s hot I have no choice but to wear a skirt where they all see the bruises asking me what the hell happened, I am honest with most people, because I am not hiding this side of me anymore. I mean if they are reading the blog, they will eventually read all about it anyway.

I probably won’t write about each week of rope as a blog post moving forward, but if something interesting happens, I will write about it – but I do go weekly. It’s technically not dating, but who knows what might happen! It might be that void filler I’ve been looking for… I miss chatting to Noodle but at least for one night of the week I don’t think about him.

#IBD4U

At Rope, I was introduced to a few people that I knew were going to Sleezeball on Saturday night. Sleezeball is an event (or creepy dude… Hahaha), not a play party for sex but people do other types of play, such as rope or spanking, perhaps candle wax. I knew that the guy from Rope, let’s call him Ripples, was going to be there & I asked him to tie me up – he said he would. I thought this would be a good opportunity to try this out again. I was hoping there would be a few people from the chat app there too that I could hang out with & get to know in real life. I am trying to expand my friendship group & translate those friendships that I’ve made online to a real life setting. I honestly want to get off the chat apps at this point, I mean they seem to do more damage than good, but I also want to make new friendships & get away from anything online.

I had planned on going with a friend anyway, so even if Ripples wasn’t there, then it didn’t matter, I’d still just have a night out with some friends & it’d be fun. I got my dad to drop my friend & I into the city that night to save us money on taxi’s. We walk into the the venue, which I’d never been to before & it turns out that it is a teeny tiny venue, there aren’t many people there & I wonder if this was going to be a good night, since this will be the first experience of any sort of kink for my friend. She had mentioned she might want to come to a play party with me, but she was mainly vanilla from what I had heard from this relatively new friend.

I’m definitely no expert but I guess I’ve been getting more involved in this kind of thing to expand my life & also because I am still trying to fill the void, so many months later… Again mainly to fill my mind with thoughts other than Noodle fucking his now kinky partner & him fucking women alone… Fuck that hurts to think about… Why do I keep thinking about it? FUCK…

Anyway, I see a couple of people who run the Rope class & chat to them, most people are very welcoming to a new people, we have a few drinks & look around this tiny club. It’s a lot smaller than I expect so it doesn’t take us long to have a look at everything & find Ripples, who is going to tie me.

I introduce him to my friend & I feel a bit weird just hanging around waiting for him to tie me but he doesn’t know me really so I don’t want him to forget that he said he would tie me, so I feel a bit weird to be honest. I assume that there are so many people that want to be tied & are into this more than I am, plus people that he knows, so I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t tie me at all.

I must have a lot of trust in this guy, because now we’re in a setting with loud music & I can’t say much to him if I feel uncomfortable. But when he starts tying me, I automatically start to relax & it’s like my mind completely switches off, I can’t really hear the music either, all I can feel is the rope & the slight tugging & pulling as the rope caresses my skin. I will admit that this is the only time I really switch off, I actually imagine that this is Noodle tying me up (I know he would never learn to tie like this, but I imagine him doing it instead of this guy in front of me.) I have a moment, where I am just me. Not heartbroken, not really thinking about Noodle, just in the moment of feeling free of any thoughts.

I’ve seen other couples do this type of Rope, which I learn is called Shibari, & the bunnies seem to go into this ‘space’ where they are unaware of what is going on around them, I try to find this space, what they call ‘subspace’ but I can’t quite get there – I sort of do in a way, but not quite like I have seen. I mean I don’t really know this man, so yeah there are some trust issues, but I think when I see those bunnies go to that space, they are with someone they love & trust. I wish I had someone I love & trusted. It makes me realise, that I’m not scared to love again… I mean I know it’s not been long since Noodle shattered my heart twice & then we stopped talking, but I was so worried about becoming bitter again. After Boyfriend, I became so bitter & it has taken a long time for me to get out of the head space. I was so worried I would be bitter this time, but if you recall, the only reason I was bitter after Boyfriend was because we weren’t in love with each other & I guess I always thought we should. Paired with my fear of dying without being loved, I because a bitter old bitch… I am not scared of not being loved nor of dying alone, there are worse things in life, so I know now that I am open to something more. (Which is a good place to be!)

I enjoy the night, I don’t do anything else as in kink play at the nightclub, we dance a bit, we drink a lot & my friend tries to ‘pick up’ the bartender, getting his number before I organise for Blogger to pick us up – we all know how that night turned out.

I will admit that I did enjoy my first sleezeball, I would go again, they are on every year (The 2019 one is coming up!) It was something new, something fun, something I never would have done if I was with Noodle – not that that’s a bad thing, but I am glad for the new experiences. However, I still miss him like fucking crazy!

#IBD4U

Something I noticed a lot in my life, having been single for most of it, is what people think is best for me – or more to the point, what they think will make me happy, because they want to see me happy. This is something interesting for me, as I’m not sure why people think I am not happy?! (I mean, right now, I am not – nursing a broken heart, but for the most part, I am happy with my life besides the non existent love life!) Something that has come up quite a lot for me most recently in my thoughts are all related to “Want vs Need.”

Only having been technically off the market for 3.5 years in total with Boyfriend & the 18 months I had Noodle, so I have been alone a long time & the top thing people say to me as a single women, probably more now then when I was younger is things like “You don’t need a man to be happy” or worse things like “A man won’t make you happy” I even hate when people say things about finding their other half or that they have found their better half etc.

So I thought a blog about Want vs Need – I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends & she’s also a reader & I thought there was a blog post in this topic… What does Want vs Need even mean?!

Definitions: (found via google search)

Need – require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.

Want – have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.

I want to be clear. I know I don’t NEED a man to be happy, I am happy, I have a successful career – that I love & am good at, a house that I am slowly upgrading on a single income, I now own an investment property too. I have lived overseas in Canada – by myself about 10 years ago now! I have traveled extensively across South Australia for work & visited most capital cities in Australia, including driving across the Nullarbor.

I have traveled to: England, Ireland, Wales, Isle of Man, Turkey, Croatia, Vietnam, New Caledonia, New Zealand, Fiji, UAE, France, Qatar, Spain, Portugal, Bali, America, Gibraltar, Scotland, Northern Ireland & Cyprus – Yes, I still have many places to go!

I have partied, I have slept around (maybe a little too much), I have taken drugs, I have drunk till I’ve vomited, I have done things I regret, I have fallen deeply in love, I got really fat & then lost all the weight, I have run away from everything, I have given second chances, (I have even given third & fourth chances) & I have grounded myself with a solid foundation of the type of person I have become. Let’s just say, I have lived a pretty good life at time of posting this, I am 38!

A lady I used to work, who had as in her 50’s she got married & had kids in her early 20’s, so she’d never been overseas, she’d never done anything but raise her 3 kids. So it bothered me so much when she’d tell me to enjoy my life. Haven’t I done that already? Arent I allowed to be ready to find a partner to travel with, to build a life with, to love.

So when people say you don’t need a man to be happy, they are absolutely 100% right. YES! I agree! But fuck it pisses me off when people say it to me. I have never said I need a man to be happy, in fact, sometimes I have made the decision to be single because I don’t want that to get in the way of my life goals.

However, that word… Want…

But I will admit this… I WANT a partner… Someone who marks off a few things in my new list. I do not want to be alone forever, I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to talk to every night & sleep next to everyday. I do not need it. But why the fuck do people make me feel shit about wanting that?! Especially those who have it, it’s always weird that they are the ones who are so anti me wanting a partner.

Is there something wrong with wanting that?

I know relationships aren’t perfect, I have had one recently with Noodle that I know wasn’t perfect & took a lot of effort from both of us to keep it going (putting aside all the external factors) just us being us, was a lot of hard work. I have also never said I want something perfect. I don’t believe we have a other half that completes us – if I did believe that, I have just lost my other half. But I don’t think we are destined to walk this earth alone forever… I think we complete ourselves & compliment another person…

So next time a single friend says to you that they want a partner, don’t reply telling them they don’t need it or that relationship aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be – as a single person, on the outside looking in, having had an 18 month affair, I know that relationships aren’t easy, I know they aren’t that all great, I know that they aren’t the be all & end all of life… But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want it.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, I want to you to look at them right now & pretend they aren’t in your life anymore… Suddenly & abruptly like what happened with Noodle – where your partner just ghosted you. How does that make you feel – even to just think about that?? Think about getting in to bed alone tonight – for the 4380th night in a row? Does that make you happy? (if you said yes, then you should probably end it with your partner) but if you feel a complete heartache – not because you’re alone but because that person isn’t with you – that’s how I feel daily, ultimate devastation. What would be something someone could say to you to make it better for you? Could anyone make you feel better?

Interestingly when I was over 100 kgs, when I turned 30, I realised that my wants & needs were very different for a healthy lifestyle change. I wanted to be skinny but I needed to make a change to reach that goal. I didn’t need to be skinny, but that was what I wanted. Focusing on the need was more important then because I needed to be healthy to avoid serious health issues. I want to maintain my weight now, but I don’t need too. It could fluctuate a few kgs & life would be ok… So it’s very important not to confuse these two things… Wants vs Need.

I have done a blog on cliches before which I guess is a similar type of blog to this, however, I want to raise awareness on the Want vs Need. It is different for everyone, while the definition doesn’t change, it does mean something different to people. But just remember, I am more than happy with myself (there are some people out there who need to work on being alone & being happy with themselves) so for me, I am at a point in my life where I want something special with someone. But I don’t need it.

#IBD4U

I am serious about proper dating now. No more hook ups, no more FWB, no more married guys… Yes, new me! New profile (yet again) on a different website that I haven’t used for ages that I know Noodle, Max or Crows won’t be on – well I hope they aren’t, will kill me if I see Noodle or Crows at this point online trolling for women.

I only add men who have a profile picture & who are in my state – as so many from interstate try to add me, I do not want a penpal, I only add guys that I like the look of their pictures too & of course then I look at what they write in their profile as some are ridiculous. I get a lot of men trying to add me, there aren’t many I add back – maybe I’m too fussy as people have told me in the past, but maybe I don’t want to settle with someone I am not attracted too?! The ones that I do actually add to my account, barely chat to me & then I delete them a few days later. What a great way to start the new me…

After not having sex for 3 weeks – I know this seems like nothing to some people in relationships or even single people, but for me, that’s the longest I’ve gone in 2 years without sex. I know that I have gone 4 years without sex after the whole thing with Travel Agent, so 3 weeks should be nothing, but it is… I hate it, I hate thinking about the sex that Noodle is having, what he might be doing… It’s fucked! All I can say, is thank god I invested wisely on rechargeable bed side table friends because otherwise I think energizer would be making a killing from me! (Tip for buying vibrators, get rechargeable or ones that plug in! ALWAYS!)

I chat to a guy for a few days, he asks the dreaded question “What are you looking for?” I thought that was obvious from my profile, I had laid it all out there for them to read, I’m a not looking for a FWB or one night stand. I am being serious abut finding a partner. However, this guys still asks what I am looking for, I practically roll my eyes at the questions but I explain that I’m looking for a partner – I add that I know that this takes time to evolve, but I am not looking for just hoot ups etc & he says he’s not looking for the same thing. I go to delete him but for some reason I decide not to… This is another lesson in trusting my gut! Why don’t I trust my gut, is it because my heart is so lonely that I just ignore every warning sign ever?

One night a friend bails on me for drinks at my house, I’ve done a million things at home lately & am bored sitting in bed chatting online – this is never a good idea to be honest, loneliness & late night online dating… When this guy comes online so I ask “What are you up too?”, he says nothing but asks what do I want & I say “sex”. This guy is on a different page to me, we don’t want the same things, but I am trying to fill a void here… Fuck I hate that I am doing that, that I am trolling online again for another guy when all I want is Noodle, all I think about is Noodle… FUCK!!! I chat to this guy for a while & I don’t really understand why this guy hasn’t asked for my address yet, being he just wants a fuck too & I wonder why he’s not in his car coming to fuck me. An offer of no strings should have the guy running… He sends a pic of his cock, ok so it’s a nice cock, but dick pics don’t do a great deal for me from a random stranger.

We chat & chat some more, I’m thinking that maybe this guy isn’t interested or just wants a penpal?! Who the fuck knows with these men these days… He doesn’t ask for my address, so I finally think that I’ll just give it to him, but just as I go to type it out, he asks for a picture of my tits. Now I’m not opposed to sending pictures obviously however not to some random weirdo that I haven’t even met or trust. Who knows what they’ll do with them or who they’ll show them too. I also have a pic on my face, body & part of my boobs in a top that you can see how good they look on the app, so he doesn’t need a picture of them now. However, I say I don’t send pics then he never responds to me again. EVER! I send him another message but he doesn’t respond either. He’s still online, I can see the green dot. Another 10 minute go by, nothing, I message again & get nothing so I just delete him…

OMG, I feel like shit… Now I can’t even get a dude who wants a fuck buddy to come fuck me on a Friday night when I am bored. What has happened to me! I start thinking (Well I never stop to be honest) about Noodle fucking his partner – having wild sex with her or even worse marrying her & I feel even fucking shit! When will I stop thinking about him? It’s only been a few months, but fucking hell! I hate this feeling…

#IBD4U