Play Party Guy

The second of the three men I encountered at the Play Party, found me on the chat app & talked to me every day, basically just asking me to hook up with him again. I kept kind of ignoring him for a few hours, trying not to be so available as I’ve been told I am but when I go to write back to him, I realise that he’s deleted his account. Rightio. Fucking idiot!

I go to CheeseFest the next weekend with some friends only to see him standing at the next stall. I turn away & tell my friend that he was one of the guys from the play party. I turn away trying to not let him see me, but I saw as we walked past that he tapped his friend on the shoulder & pointed me out. We didn’t speak, I wasn’t that keen anyway, so what did it matter.

Now my name on FB is not my full real name (mainly because I know that Noodle’s partner will be trying to find me) & my profile picture is a cartoon but also so clients at work can’t find me, because they tend to use it as a way to contact me. I have a work mobile, email, desk phone & fax, they don’t need my personal FB page to contact me too.

Anyway, this guy finds me on FB & messages me to say he likes my profile picture. I ignore it. Later that night he creates a new chat app account & messages me on that saying he saw me at CheeseFest. I stupidly write back, but with Crows being a weirdo, I don’t have anyone else I’m fucking so maybe this could be something more than just a fuck buddy? I decide to “give him a go” OMG I can’t believe I even said that to myself.

I write back to him say that he should’ve said hello at Cheesefest, he said he didn’t want to embarrass me as he wasn’t sure if my friends knew about the play party or not, which one did & I told the other one later in the day so wouldn’t have mattered. But he still could’ve said hello if he wanted too… However he asked to see me that night, I said I was too tired (OMG there’s a sign I’m not keen… I was never too tired for Noodle – ever! Even at 5am!) & maybe could see him before I go away for work the following week.

He comes over Monday night as I am packing to go away for the week, we sit & chat for a bit before he says we’re sitting too far apart. Next minute we’re kissing & I’m sitting on his lap. He asks where the bedroom is & starts to get up, I try to get off his lap but he acts like he’s going to carry me. Hell no! hahaha. Why do men always try to carry me? I’ve had that happen a couple of times, even Noodle tried too once. I take him to the bedroom; we kiss & undress & fool around. We find a condom & he switches positions before I can even feel him. I start kissing his neck which he is quite vocal about how good that feels, so I keep doing it. He asks me to bite him & give him a hickey, so I suck hard, making sure it’s high up so he’ll have to explain it tomorrow. Hahaha… I don’t think I’ve ever given hickey before?

After we’re done, he lays around for a while just chatting & what not. I am keen for him to go, but find it hard to tell him too. When he leaves, I jump into bed & look at phone at the chat app, he’s left the group again, no worries, he has my details. But then I realise that he’s probably deleted his account completely again, so I check & he has! Complete delete… WTF?! He basically deleted his account completely in my driveway!

He creates a new account a few weeks later, messaging me & joining my groups while I ignore him. He deletes those I assume & creates another a week later messaging me. Trying one more time, he finds me on a dating site & likes my profile but I ignore him. Like seriously dude…!

Play pary guy boundries.png

A month or so later he is still deleting & creating new accounts, each one he messages me on. He even adds me on the online dating app I use for another short time. I ignore that too. By the time he gets to his 6th account, he writes ‘Hey #IBDFU, its Play party guy here, we met at the party & came to your place, how have you been?’ I am not going to reply, but he stays in my group, so I remove him from it, then he messages to ask why I removed him. I again decide that I am not going to write back but as I think about it over & over, I get angrier & angrier, so I decide to write back Are you actually kidding me? You basically delete your account in my driveway then you keep creating new ones to talk to me… You’re an actual fuckwit. As if I would ever go there again”. He reads it almost instantly but never responds… A friend thought it would get him thinking, but I doubt he is that capable of self-reflecting his behavior. I never hear from him again at all… I never even see him around the chat app again either to be honest. Unless he’s stopped using his name? I’m not sure & I don’t even care.

I consider contacting the guy who runs the play parties to ask him to let me know if this fuckboy is going to be at a party that I am at, however I just let it go – I’m not sure if I’ll ever go again to be honest. I’m pretty sure I could get him banned as single women are much more sought after for those parties than a single man. But I let it go. This is just another reason why I will never get over Noodle. If this is the type of guy out there, no wonder I got so caught up with Noodle… No relationship is perfect, Noodle treated me poorly but I miss what we had… I mean there were obviously other reasons I fell in love with Noodle, but this hurts like fucking hell being dicked around by awful men I am not even interested in!!


Play Party

So with Crows MIA, no Noodle to speak of, I have no one to have sex with & I’m still too hurt to be looking for a proper relationship online or otherwise, so I message Flaccid (OMG what is wrong with me!? Heartbreak will do weird things to you…), who’s been messaging incessantly lately just to say hi – he’s back from the UK & single (I guess). So I invite him over being that the second time with him was better. He says he’s free but has no car, I say catch an Uber or Taxi & I’ll drop him home later, so then he says he’s busy & been drinking. Whatever dude! So I think fuck you & give up on him. I chat in some groups of just random Adelaide people on the chat apps, when one dude says to come to swingers type play party with him. I don’t entertain the idea because I don’t know who this guy is (let’s call him LJ), he’s new to the chat app group, however, I private message him to get some information, especially since it seems I’ll never go with Crows like we’d planned.

LJ says he’ll call me, which I hate but I decide to let him call especially with the nature of what I am considering, a phone call is probably the best way for me to get a gut instinct. So we chat for 20 minutes & I feel at ease with him, that before I know it I am saying that I’ll meet him at my local pub. He says he’ll come pick me up, but I decide to get an uber to the pub to meet him instead, after all I don’t know what this guy even looks like. I don’t want him to meet me at my house. So I spend a long time getting ready, having talked to LJ about what to wear to the party, he says whatever I feel comfortable in, so I wear my outfit that I wore to Hip Hop because I look good & feel good in it. I figure it’s easy to get on & off but I am doubting ill find anyone there to fuck anyway!

I get to the local watering hole & I have no idea what he looks like so I message him & tell him that I am at the bar. He sees me & comes over. He seems nice & we get along eaaily. He’s not my type physically & he’s a little older, probably shorter than me since I’m in heels but he seems nice enough anyway, but like he said I don’t have to play with him (fuck him), he’ll just take me & I can do what I want. He’ll show me around & introduce me to some people who run it & then I can see how I go. He says he’ll drop me home if I want too but I just say we’ll see what happens. I am not sure how long I am going to stay at this thing to be honest. I have this idea about what a play party is like, I am picturing old overweight men, balding & sleezy – twirling their mustaches. I am picturing older women too, no one my age & don’t think that I will even find anyone there to have sex with to be perfectly honest!

We have a couple of drinks at my local shithole bar – which is the opposite end of the universe for him & then we drive down to the drive though the bottle shop to get some drinks then head to the party.

He pays for my entry which I think is $10, I’m not really sure. He shows me where to put the drinks, as they have a bar that has people recording your drinks as there was some problems apparently with drinks being stolen or spiked etc. I like that my drinks are safe with the bar people. LJ walks me around the house showing me what is available, there are 3 rooms with doors, an open room with 3 beds, a lounge room where people are watching porn, a spa outside, another room with a bathroom attached, a room with a sex swing & he shows me where the lockers are to put my stuff safely but other than that it’s just like a normal house. Too much like a normal house to be honest… It’s not at all what I was expecting.

I am petrified that Noodle will be at something like this, but I also know that he would hate it & probably wouldn’t come anyway, however I am not sure what he’s doing. It’s been a couple of months now since I ignored his last email. I think I know Noodle well enough to know that he wouldn’t go to this, but I also never thought that he would have a matching user name on the chat app with her, or with anyone. So maybe I didn’t know him at all…

I am also certain that he would judge me for being here, but at this point, I am just trying to get over him… I am trying new things, I am not going to sit at home & wallow in the fact that he’s swinging & doing fuck knows what… I am going to go out & live this life – who knows where it may lead me.

Play Party love intimacy.png

It’s cold & I’m wearing a skirt & singlet – stupid me for thinking late October is supposed to be hot in Adelaide, at the very least warm. So I go to stand by the outdoor gas heater, with my drink, not really sure what to do… I see LJ get in the spa & I don’t think that I can get in there as everyone is naked in there, so I just stand awkwardly by the heater, where I feel like I am swarmed by dudes. I guess I don’t need to do anything… I literally have a circle of men standing around me, of all different ages before I even know what is going on. I am mainly surprised that most of them are in my age bracket or younger. There are older men here & older women but I am so surprised at hoe many decent looking men my age are here.

One guy asks me if I want to go find a room with him & I agree, I am also surprised that I have agreed to fuck someone & found someone that I like the look of – especially so early in the night. We got into one of the rooms & they aren’t really what I think they’d be like. This is a guys house, he lives here, so there is boxes of crap in the corner with a sheet over it – I’m assuming to hide it. There are condoms, lube & tissues on the bedside table, a small bin & there are a pile of sheets in the corner as you’re expected to change the sheets afterwards (for obvious reasons). I fuck him & it’s ok, but it seriously reminds me of being at a high school party & being in a room with someone as there are people chatting normally outside the window & we’re inside the room fucking.

I go back out to the heater & am swarmed with men again, another guys asks me to fuck him, but I say no – he’s not my type. I get a drink & don’t really have to do a lot before I am asked by another guy to go to a room with him. This guy I have seen around the chat app comes up to me & asks me to go with him, I say yes & we have sex in the same room as I used with the last guy… I kind of feel a little weird about that to be honest. We have sex & also chat about the chat app too – how he knew me before I knew him.

There is a guy I like the look of the most, but he seems standoffish so he doesn’t approach me, when one other guy asks me to fuck him so I says yes & head into a different room with him. As we’re going in there, the second guy asks if he can join, but the guy I’m with says no. I see LJ laughing as we shut the door, as he saw the whole thing, the second guy asking for another go. Again, it’s ok sex, I mean the whole being in a weird room & with people chatting outside, it’s weird – I can’t relax.

I am surprised that I have a decent night, I am not sure it’s something I will go to on the regular, or if it’s something I enjoy. I mean I don’t feel great about myself to be honest, fucking three men in one night… But when you are trying to fill a void you will do anything to get there… I can’t turn to drugs & I am not really drinking a lot of alcohol as I haven’t eaten properly since May when my life went to shit.

The only person I want here with me tonight, is Noodle… Not that he would’ve come anyway or would we be here, we’d be at home probably fucking – he would’ve hated it – well the man I knew would’ve hated it. I mean our sex life would’ve been enough for both of us, so we wouldn’t have needed to go to a swingers party… But do you know what… Nothing helps fill this fucking void… I’ve fucked 8 men since Noodle (that’s not a good number! Jesus) & do you know what… None compare, none have helped me. None will ever compare to Noodle… FUCK… I want what I had with him, even if it was only part time, at least it was real, I feel so empty, so hollow & just because some guy stuck their cock in me, doesn’t mean I’m over Noodle… Not even in the slightest. I miss him like crazy, I miss my best friend.

I’m lonely as fuck & I hate it…


Crows #4

After all the drama blows over with Noodle – well it’s not blown over, it’s only just stopped, I’ve stopped replying to his emails… It hurts with every heartbeat but I had to stop emailing him. As much as I don’t want too, I had too… I am distraught at this point & the only thing keeping me going is how much I love my work – it’s a consuming job & I put all my effort into that & I put all my heart into the gym.

One Saturday morning, about a month since I saw him last, Crows says he’s going to come over after work. I have fucked a few guys, not waiting around for this one, who is married still himself… Albeit, he says that he’s separated… If we believe him. This morning he decides he’s coming over, I actually have a baby shower to go to & he asks me what I’m going to wear. I send him a picture, at this point I weigh the lowest I have ever weighed, probably because I basically haven’t eaten since May – It’s October & I’m exercising like a maniac… I hope one day I will be over Noodle, but today isn’t that day. I am wearing a white lace skirt & black top with cute strappy heels, I look amazing, I send Crows a picture & I really can’t help but want Noodle to see how good I look today too, but obviously, we aren’t talking. Crows tells me that I look hot & that he doesn’t want me to wear panties. OMG… To a baby shower! Jesus… Can I do that?

I decide that this game will be fun, so I slide my panties down my leg & pack my bag to go to my friends house. On the way to the shower though Crows messages me, tells me to pull over & take a live picture for him of me without panties. I do as I’m told, I don’t want to waste time having to massage him when he’s here to fuck me.

During the baby shower, I am turned on the whole fucking time, this is not a good place to be turned on, but I am! I’m wearing a skirt & there is a slight breeze, I didn’t know I would be able to feel. I am oddly aware of the fact that I have no undies on & am constantly thinking, what if someone notices?! I feel so naughty.

Crows messages me though the baby shower & demands I go to the bathroom & take a picture so he knows I am not wearing underwear, which I do, this turns me on more & he sends me a picture of his cock protruding through his work pants. When he says that he’s almost finished work & will be on his way to my house, I make my excuses & head home to await his arrival. I want him to see me in this outfit, I am not sure why, but I do. I guess I want him to see me looking normal, not just in bed, naked.

I leave the front door open & let him know to just come in. He’s told me to get out some toys, the restraints, a butt plug & a vibrator. So I am in my bedroom with a beer, trying to find all those things, when he walks into my room & startles me. I walk over to him & he asks where his beer is with a cheeky grin so I offer mine, not wanting a punishment, so he has some of my beer & we kiss. He is wearing track pants & a t shirt with a baseball cap, odd attire for work, I think he’s an electrician or something? I don’t really know. We talked about it but I don’t remember. I am too caught up in my own drama to remember what he does or doesn’t do. I’m assuming everything he says would be a lie anyway.

We both get undressed & he ties me to the bed pretty quickly, he’s told me that he has a bit longer today but he still doesn’t have a lot of time. He goes down on me making me cum so hard & fast that I can’t even see straight afterwards. He uses the vibrator to make me cum again & also finds a toy to spank me with, hitting my tits with his hand & kissing me deeply. I love how rough he is with me.

Crows is the first guy ever (I know yo might find this surprising) but he’s the first guy ever to rim me. He spends a lot of time on my butt… I don’t hate it, but I don’t rate it… I wonder if it’s because I am so conscious of what comes out of that hole that I can’t relax & enjoy it?! It was something Noodle & I discussed doing in the shower of the gym (but now his partner has done it for him – he doesn’t need me…) Crows then finds the butt plug & he lubes it up with how wet I am & slips it in my ass. He goes down on me again for a few minutes before kissing up my body where he slips on a condom & slides deep into me, kissing me & my nipples while I’m tied up that I am literally writhing around on the bed, I know that my hair is going to be a fucking birds nest, I am twisting & turning my head like a mad woman, trying to get away but totally loving this.

Crows buttholes licking

As he fucks me I am cumming again so hard, that I feel like the butt plus slips out & that makes me cum harder. He pulls out when he is almost done, rips off the condom & cums all over my tummy… Guys seem to like marking me with their cum. I wouldn’t just let anyone do it, but I have fucked this guy a while & he’s just been though the fucking STI scare, I’m surprised that he’s even talking to me still, I mean I’m not sure that I would keep seeing a guy with so much drama. But I guess he knows he can trust me because I never did anything bad to Noodle, when I had every opportunity to do so.

Once we’re done, Crows unties me & I sit up, I have a wall of mirrors because of the wardrobe doors & I catch a glimpse of my scarecrow hair & as I reach up to try to flatten it & say something about how ridiculous I look. He reaches over & tucks some stray strands behind my ear & says “You look beautiful.” FUCK! We kind of look at each other, but I look away first, not really knowing what to do. WTF was that moment…

He asks if he can have a shower & I get him a towel. I go to the bathroom then go back to my room to straighten the bed, clean up the toys & just sort out the disarray that my room is. I look around for the vibe, butt plug & restraints, I find everything but the butt plug. I look under the bed, I look under all the sheets, which I strip & get ready to wash. I pull everything apart & can’t find it. FUCK. I ask Crows when he gets out of the shower if he can see it, but he can’t find it either. WTF happened to it? I kind of give up looking for it because I want him to go so I can do the unthinkable & feel my butt.. Hahaha! (How embarrassing) When he leaves I go back to the bathroom but it definitely isn’t still inside me. I have no fucking idea what happened to it. I have visions of my nieces & nephews finding it somewhere so I look everywhere for the bloody thing but can’t find it at all… I message Crows a few days later to ask if he took it for a souvenir, but he says that he definitely doesn’t have it. I have no idea what the fuck happened to it… All I can think is that when I went to the bathroom after we fucked, it went in the toilet… To this day, 12 months later, I still don’t know what happened to that butt plug! Bahaha… Who loses a butt plug? Yep, I did…!

Crows & I talk a lot about the fact he wants to go to a swingers play party with me, but we never do. I talk to him about a fantasy of a bit of a gang bang type scenario where he would be in charge of a few men who could be there to use me as Crows allows. I always wanted a MFM with Noodle, but never got it, I thought that Noodle would be amazing in this scenario but obviously I am never going to get that… But I don’t see Crows again after that day where I lost the butt plug & the beautiful comment – not because I didn’t try but because Crows never reads my last message to him of me asking to see him when I got home from work that week. Right well I guess that’s over!? Fuck, that makes me more upset, at least he was filling a void, filling that hole (for lack of better word! Hahaha)

The morning of the Christmas pageant, I’m carrying my 2 year old niece, powering through the crowd to find my family who have saved us a place, when I see about 3 steps away from me, Crows – I just about practically walk into him! He’s standing there with some people but I don’t notice who, I just realise how close I am to him & I realise that my gut instinct was probably right, that he’s not as separated as he thinks/says he is. That’s why he’s been MIA, that’s why I haven’t seen him during his jury duty that he’s been doing (I did jury duty & did fuck all but play with my phone, not sure why he’s using it as excuse to not talk to me) – or heard from him at all.

I’m not entirely sure why a guy who is married, gets me to sleep with him on an ongoing basis & then he has the audacity to ghost me! Especially after everything he went through with me that I thought would send him running for the hills, such as the STI saga & the fact I couldn’t stop talking to him about Noodle… I’m actually surprised it went on this long – but it’s over now, I’m done with this guy, even if he was pretty hot…

I don’t do anything when I see him at the pageant. I look at him but I walk by, he’s so fucking lucky I am not crazy… Adelaide is so fucking small… In a crowd of hundreds of thousands & I run into the man who’s fucked me numerous times & then ghosted me…

About 9 months later, I’m chatting to Rob Rob & he commands me to message Crows, see if he’s still on the chat app. I think this is a dumb idea, I mean if the guy was interested then he would message me, right?

But one night after a few wines, I am hitting send on a message to Crows asking if he’s still around. He doesn’t reply for ages but when he does he says that he wondered what happened to me. I tell him that he didn’t write back to my last message & I send him a screenshot of the chat, he says that he never got that message. I ask him if he saw me at the pageant & he says that he did, he was a bit worried I’d say something when I came so close. He saw me coming towards him, I didn’t see him till I was practically standing in front of him. He thanks me for not saying anything & that he trusts me. He tells me that his wife was in the pageant so she wasn’t around him.

We talk about catching up again because he is seriously the best head I’ve ever had & I keep thinking about it, he is going to come over in the morning, however I am going out that night & thinking that a guy might be coming home with me, so he comes over that afternoon for a very quick fuck. He tells me that he wants me naked, tied up with a vibe on my clit so I am wet & ready for him, he doesn’t have much time. He tells me to send a live video to him when I have the vibe on me.

He comes over & goes down on me quickly before slipping on a condom & fucking me hard & fast before he has to go. I never see him again at all after that, we barely talk too & when I try – several times – to chat to him he says he’s been busy blah blah blah. I fucking hate when men say they are busy, it’s so offensive, like I’m not busy too! It’s fucking rude! Fuck you Crows.


The Love Of Your Life Only Comes After The Mistake Of Your Life.

A friend shared this article on their FB page a while ago, while it’s not technically a blog nor a story about dating, it really hit home for me after the whole Noodle debacle & I really have to agree.

I hope that after Noodle, I can have the love I deserve!

The Love Of Your Life Only Comes After The Mistake Of Your Life.

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.” ~ Carrie Bradshaw

Perhaps we need to be broken first before we can finally become whole.

Painful love is the worst kind of heartbreak. It’s the one we had such high hopes for, the one we gambled everything for—only to find it was a bet that would never be won.

So we break into a million small pieces of ourselves and wonder how we could have gotten it so wrong.

We make mistakes in love.

We choose people based on the lessons that our souls need to learn without realizing that it’s usually those difficult lessons we need to experience the most.

We can’t be changed by ease and we can’t have our minds broken open by the mundane—instead it can only happen when we are left with nothing but ourselves and our regrets.

Maybe there is no such thing as a mistake if we indeed needed it to learn more about who we are and how we love, but still there are those loves we wish we could rewind and just take back. The ones whose endings were too painful for us to want to permanently claim as part of our history.

But no matter how much we wished that this love was something other than what it was, it will never change the reality that the only reason we needed this love in our lives was to break our hearts.

The thing is, we need that big mistake to help propel us toward the love of our life.

We need to be broken in order to find out how we want to put ourselves back together.

Often times the biggest mistake of our lives is a relationship that we should have walked away from the minute it began—or at the very least should have let go of long before we actually did, and way before it all went downhill.

But we didn’t, and it’s not because that love was meant to be, but because without it we might never have realized what love truly is.

We always have the choice to stay in a relationship that is a constant battle of wills and ideals. Yet, no matter how many times we hope it will end differently, or just maybe work this time around—it never does.

This is because it’s not meant to.

Our mistake is meant to end, usually bitterly, and often catastrophically. Its purpose is to rock us to our core and challenge our very self and our beliefs about love.the mistake only comes after the love of your life.pngWe are meant to question what went wrong, and to wonder what love really means to us. This isn’t an overnight process , but one that we need to take the time to immerse ourselves in until we no longer hide from the truth that our hearts whisper.

It’s a state of healing that lets us know that we can send someone our love, but we can also walk away with our heads high and our faith strong knowing that we haven’t messed up the best thing we ever had.

Because the love of our life is out there waiting for us and when we meet there will be no question about why we needed to have our hearts broken in the way we did.

There won’t be battles to conquer, or qualities to be changed. There won’t be unfulfilled needs, or drama around every corner. In reality, this love is going to show us why none of our previous relationships worked out.

Because all along they were only leading us to this—the person who was created just for us, and somehow through the meandering paths that life takes, ended up not being perfect, but still being perfect for us.

Our worst mistake and our deepest heartbreak is only meant to help lead us to the love of our life—because without it, we might never know what that actually looks like.

The love of our life only comes when we are ready for it. When we have broken apart who we thought we should be and instead embraced who we are. This love only appears when we have gained the ability to believe that we deserve what we want.

The love of our life won’t look or feel like anything we’ve ever experienced. It might come softly, or it might even enter as a wrecking ball. It may come dressed as friendship, or perhaps something so hot we thought for sure we would get burned. But, because of that great mistake we are not the same people we once were, so we will approach love differently as well.

We will look for the peace instead of the intensity of the storm.

We will allow ourselves to gaze past the superficial and instead appreciate the energy that this person brings into our lives, reveling in the new-found depths of connection that we are experiencing.

Slowly we will realize that it’s not necessarily who someone is, but rather what type of person they bring out in us that determines whether it’s a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.

With time, an understanding develops that love should not only feel like it adds value to our lives, but it should also help us become the best possible version of ourselves.

Only a great love can raise us to greatness.

And that’s the thing about the love of our life—it may not end up being who we thought it was, and it may still not come without challenges, but there is just something about it that makes us want to be better.

It’s a love that inspires us, and shows us that perhaps we aren’t scared at all, and that just maybe we haven’t screwed up as badly as we thought we had.

Because finally we realize that our “great mistake” was really a north star all along, leading us to the love of our life.

“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” ~

Author: Kate Rose
Editor: Nicole Cameron

I can only hope that there is something better out there for me!

Please universe send me something good!


Noodle #59

I can feel this is drawing to a close with Noodle. He’s writing less & less to me but still every morning I wake up to find an email written that morning. I am not sure if it’s because he thinks I am trying to blackmail him or if he genuinely wants to talk to me, either way, I think I deserve this exchange even if he doesn’t.

I tell him that I did reply within 2 hours of his last message & then get shot down by him. I tell him that I don’t get notifications on some of those apps, so if he really wanted to get my attention, if it was really over, he would’ve text me! He would’ve tried harder, not just a couple of messages on a chat app he’s not even sure I’m using anymore.

“Just because I was the other woman, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve better from you. Men really underestimate the other woman a lot. I could’ve destroyed everything & probably still could if I wanted too… I did consider the circumstances & understand how hard it would’ve been but ghosting me didn’t make hate you.” I can’t even believe that he isn’t considering the circumstances for me or what I could be capable of. If the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partner & his partner was the other woman, I don’t think she’d show the restraint that I have shown him in the last 6 months! Hell, even the last 18 months while we were together.

“I can give you an answer to what I see in you, Noodle. The list is super easy for me, if it’s not easy for her, then I don’t know what she’s doing… No one cares if you can garden or a handyman…

  • You ARE seriously the sexiest guy I’ve ever been with,
  • You were loyal to me,
  • You were honest with me, brutally so,
  • I trusted you, inexplicably,
  • Our banter – fuck we had good banter,
  • How cute we were in chatting to me,
  • How beautiful you think I am,
  • You helped me lose weight,
  • You lost weight, kept it off & enjoy the gym,
  • Despite what you think, you are funny – you made me laugh often – if you didn’t, we would’ve been over long before. Sense of humor is #1 thing I need,
  • We are so similar in so many ways – it was so hard for both of us to say we had feelings, I mean we even don’t say hello to people first,
  • That you kept up your end of the deal with the #IBD4U vs Noodle agreement, surprised me that a douche would keep up with that deal,
  • You excited me – you stirred something in me that I’ve never had with any other man,
  • I loved your douche side – kept it exciting, but I also loved how insecure you were sometimes – I saw how sensitive you are,
  • The chemistry we had,
  • How jealous you got of me, when there was no need to be,
  • The way we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,
  • The way you kissed me,
  • The way you made me feel like the sexiest woman you’d ever seen,
  • The way we fit together,
  • The way you smell,
  • How you’d use listerine every time you saw me,
  • The way you brought my sexual fantasies to life,
  • After seeing you with your kids I fell in love with you a bit more,
  • How dedicated to your work you are,
  • That we both aren’t huggers, but always wanted to hug each other,
  • How supportive you were of my work & study,
  • Even though it wasn’t confirmed when I saw you last, I knew you were proud of me that I was buying an investment property
  • But most of all, you love me & I love you.”

I know that he won’t really read this list but he won’t really take it in, I am 100% sure that he will read it but not understand what I am saying because of his low self-esteem.

He still doesn’t get me either, I mean I am great with kids, I have kids toys all throughout my house for the nieces & nephews. I even have a tattoo with the nieces & nephews initials, so I mean I would’ve loved to have his kids live with me. I was excited about it. He told me that no one had mentioned me to her on the chat app, so at least while she was talking about me to friend & a guy that I am fucking, at least they respect me enough not to talk about me.

I tell him that my Facebook name is no longer my real name & my whole Facebook is private anyway so she can’t see me. I am now also in hiding with a bitmoji up as my profile picture. I assume that she was looking for my fake name he gave her in the beginning anyway, but now she has my real name, I am in hiding.

I remind him that my self esteem issues run deep too, that it took me a while to send pictures in the groups & that it took me a while to not shake in front of him when I am naked or wearing lingerie. Right now I am the skinniest I have ever been, I have amazing hair extensions in, I look the best I have every looked & I have no confidence at all.

“I won’t keep emailing you forever, of course, but it has been healthy for me to get some of this off my chest & actually get a reply from you. I do miss you every day, I do love you more than I should or want too. I only ever held back the extent of my feelings for you, knowing I was the other woman & that I would be discarded when it ended, that I didn’t want to be that completely vulnerable with you.” I need to stop emailing him but I also need to get this out… However I’m sure that he’s not actually reading my words… He’s not in the frame of mind to be understanding what I am saying to him.

He replies telling me that he checked a few times that night & there was no reply from me, well bullshit because I have screenshots with times. He says that Sweetie made it clear I was over him & he convinced himself that I was too so he wasn’t going to try hard. Well maybe not, but he could’ve text me.

He says that he doesn’t look sad in his pictures, he just doesn’t smile in his photos. He tried to make a joke about the list & how the first night I had garlic breath, but he uses listerine with me every time. He says that he’s not funny, yet he just made me laugh with that comment. I want to punch him in the face when he says “Pretty much cos I made you feel sexy it made me sexy is the summary I got from that haha.” He’s a fuckwit!

He says that I told her on purpose on the chat app when she was pretending to be him that “You told her on purpose it was a year just to get at her, just as you did you told her you held her kids. That hurt her a lot, you achieved that goal .” & I could’ve said a lot worse!

He tells me that she doesn’t know he saw me after we ended, so I think he should tell her that, that’s something people know that could come out… But he thinks that it wouldn’t make a difference now, him coming to my house with the kids was the worse thing to her.

I am angry that he thinks I look too long to write back, I tell him that I saw that he came back online as the greyed out d turned dark but he never read my message until lunchtime the next day. He never wrote back so I called & then text, then get a reply from him saying not to message him! Like what a asshat. He would’ve tried harder, I mean he tried harder with her when she walked about because I didn’t reply to a chat app message! Deep down I didn’t reply because I knew it wasn’t over… He messaged me the second she left him, again, not actually properly breaking up before dragining me back in again. I knew I would be foolish to write back & yep, I was a fool to write back to him because he’s so scared of being alone that he fought for her back after contacting me.

“You’re an absolute fucking idiot if you summarise my list like that… You truly do deserve to be with someone who can’t even list one thing they like about you besides you’re the father of her children.” At this point, I am angry, I mean really… Is that what he really thinks? This man doesn’t know me at all.

His partner was saying rotten things about me to my friend, such as I have down syndrome eyes & that I look 40. So the fact I told her it was year & that I held her kids (which she knew anyway as he’d come to my fucking house with them) so yeah I am ok with the things I said to her. I could have said so much worse! He let her accost me on the chat app as him, he let her text some poor unsuspecting person when she thought she had the right phone number, he’s even ok with her stalking me on Facebook. I have done nothing to her – I didn’t cheat on her… I didn’t lie to her for over 18 months. I am so angry at this point, that I wish I did say more, I wish she did have my phone number right. Why did I take the high road?!

I tell him that he should tell his partner that he saw me since we ended & that he’s talking to me now. I think that’s the only stuff that could come out now, I don’t want anymore drama so I want him to tell her so that it can’t come out! I highly doubt that he will.

I don’t get reply from him the next morning & I am oddly relieved but also pissed off that he didn’t write back. How dare he not write back to me?! I guess the good thing about that is that he knows that I am not trying to blackmail him with that document?!

6 days later, I see his fucking name pop up on my phone & my heart drops.

He says that he’s sorry that he didn’t reply, he didn’t want to get into the habit of messaging daily again. He says that she left & I was the first person he wanted to message, even though it looked like I was over him. He assumed I’d ignore him or tell him to fuck off. -How can this man even know me if he thinks that little of me & what we had? He says that he thought it would only take me weeks to get over him because of all the attention I get online.

He says I’m not scared of being alone , I’m scared of losing my kids . I’m scared of a lot of things , not being alone though.” So he’s staying with her because of the kids, not because he actually wants to be with her. Right… Thought he said he loved her?!

He ends his email “Thank you for doing the right thing by me.” I am done, I am furious by that response that I don’t ever write back. I draft a billion replies in my head, but I also don’t want to send one & have him ignore it. So I ignore him. He doesn’t deserve a reply, he doesn’t deserve me. I am still adamant that this is not over for us, in one way or another, but right now. For now. It has to be over for me. I have to move on.

Later that month – a few days after I ignore his last email, Noodle posts on the anonymous app “With one chapter ended another one can start” I think that is aimed at me, not something he is trying to do… He wants me to move on… Then a couple of days later I see “Get out of my head ahhhh” It takes all my might not to reply or write an email to him. But I don’t…

I always wonder or hope that he will write to me to ask if I got the email or if I wrote back & he didn’t get it again, but he doesn’t. I want to write to him, I am desperate to know he’s ok. But I restrain, somehow, I restrain.

Noodle never spoke again.png

I will put you all out of your misery, this is the last Noodle post ever – he will feature in my thoughts of course, until hopefully one day I am over him… So don’t think that’s the last you will see his name, but it will be the last Noodle titled post!

I am gutted, hurt & devastated. I know you all started to hate him – you think he’s weak & manipulative, but I am in love with him, despite that… I saw a destroyed man, unable to make a decision where no one got hurt… But I didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all, but I must be the one to walk away here… He doesn’t know me at all if he is only replying because he thinks I have a blackmail document.

You can now see why I have extended the length of my posts to hurry this story along, I need this story to be over – it was over a year ago in real life & I have been struggling mentally reliving this… I am glad I told this story, I am glad I have posted it, I almost didn’t post it at all but it honestly shaped me to the woman I am. I sometimes doubt that he loved me – especially reading some of your comments, but at least I can say that my biggest fear of loving another human with all my heart, is no longer a fear. I did it, I felt loved… I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I was scared I was becoming bitter, but now I know I have a heart, I know I have one because even though it’s shattered right now, I felt things I never felt before.

Stick around though, because honestly, my life is hilarious! I don’t know how things happen to me that never happen to anyone else…

Thanks for reading the Noodle story & sticking by me.


Noodle #58

Noodle’s replies to my emails get shorter & shorter… I know he wants to stop talking to me, but while I have the timeline, he will keep talking to me. I wish he knew me better, but obviously neither of us are thinking clearly. I wish he knew that I would never use that against him. I know I said in my email that I would, but I would’ve done something ages ago before he hurt me if I really wanted to be vindictive.

He tells me that he’s very sorry for how it went done & that I never got a proper goodbye because we weren’t together. –Fuck that annoys me, he was the one who told me that he now considers me an ex-girlfriend, but now he tells me we were never together… Make up your fucking mind Noodle!

He says That hurts reading that you were going to unpack my stuff and given me a draw. I can tell you with the bottom of my heart it wasn’t easy for me to ghost you or take my stuff .” At least that hurt him to see that I had moved his stuff, I was so excited to live with this guy “I never thought you’d fall so hard for me . I never tried to hurt you ever . I always assumed you were so strong & never expected you to cry for me ever . You’ve always presented yourself as a strong single chick & that always scared me . You always come across as a heart made of stone. I assumed you could replace me very quickly & assumed you’d move on quickly.”

He tells me that she doesn’t know he’s emailing me & begs me not to tell anyone, which I haven’t. I have learned my lesson with that – but I think he should tell her! He says that he denied everything that his partner was told but it kept going over & over in her head till he cracked & told her the truth & she walked out. I guess that’s when he started messaging me, I wonder if I replied straight away if we’d be together? I can’t think like that… He was never going to leave her & she’s taken him back now, so she’s willing to forgive a million lies.

He says he didn’t know I had a new chat app account when he sent the STI messages & apologises for coming across like a asshole. He thought I wasn’t using the anonymous app & when he realised that I was, he’d deleted his posts because he didn’t want to upset me.

He has a go at me for telling the cops he has guns, tells me that there’s a lot I don’t know about him & he thinks that we would of struggled with different interests that he kept hidden from me because he didn’t want to look like a loser as he thinks I’m this super cool sexy chick that everyone wants… I think that he forgets that I’ve told him so many times that I have never been cool in all my life until I got on this chat app. I mean I’ve been single for like 10 years at this point, I can’t be that sexy or cool if no man wants to be with me!? He says that he loves guns, watches wrestling (which I already knew), that he watches a lot of animation TV shows, he even tells me he has a Facebook page that has a lot of followers that is all about 90’s nostalgia. (I stalk Facebook for days trying to find it, but I can’t…). I pretty much knew all of that from things he’d said over the year & none of it mattered to me. He says “I’m a lonely fucker that fell for a sexy ass chick . I’m not outgoing & very shy. You would of realized the mistake you made when you got to see me outside my online personality which is my personality with its volume dialed up a bit.” He blames his kids being a burden to me & his debt… I fucking hate when he does that. He apologises again & says he never wanted to cause me drama.

I spend ages agonising over my replies to him, I think his are just a quick rushed replies when he can in the morning while she’s asleep. They’re getting less & less wordy… I am hating that, knowing that we are coming to the end of this, we are going to stop, he is going to stop replying soon… I mean he should, we should. This isn’t a good idea, but I fucking love this man so much that I want to talk to him every day, I hated not talking to him every day.

I reply saying that of course his untrimmed pubes were never a problem, I was just pointing out that I put up with a lot of stuff from him including being hidden for a year & only seeing him & chatting to him on his terms, I did a lot for him & he treated me like shit… Twice, acting like I don’t even matter! He had said that he didn’t expect me to reply straight away, but of course he did, when I didn’t reply he tried to salvage his relationship! It hurts to think that perhaps if I did write back, I’d be with him right now or would it still end with me & he’d go back to her once she realised he was with me? Would I even have the life I dreamed of with him, now that she knows about me? I don’t think so… I don’t think she’ll ever let us be happy together, even if she is happy with someone else herself. She will be a toxic ex & will always be in the picture because of their kids…

Noodle timing better for you and me.png

I am so fucking hurt here though, I am so in love with this man, so devastated that I am not going to be spending the rest of my life with him & he’s saying to me that we weren’t even together?! “The fact that you say “we were never together” yet you said you love me & also now consider me as ex girlfriend… To me I did deserve something better than you secretly contacting me on the anonymous app saying she’s got your phone don’t contact you & then only hearing from you again when you decided to snap at me. I mean fuck Noodle, take some responsibility for the way you treated me & just once realise that you should’ve done more to try to end it with me in a better way, rather than ghosting me. I could’ve been so crazy & actually ruined your life, I probably still could if I was like that but I actually respect you enough not too do anything. I guess I just didn’t realise you didn’t respect me & think I deserve better…”

I tell him that I cancelled my other gym membership, the one I used with him & I had to delete him from the chat app because his profile picture has his face up & his eyes look so sad, like I can tell that he took that in the car, probably with her because her’s is similar on the other side of the car…

I tell him that I never thought I would fall for him either, I was strong, I never used to cry, now I can’t stop, even 4 months later! I tell him that I have no desire to tell his partner anything, however I tell him that he should tell her the truth about us & also come clean about emailing me. I don’t trust her not to do anything & think he should be honest with her now.

I go through stages of being angry & hurt, I tell him that he should’ve warned me that she was going to log onto his chat app account & pretend to be him, so that I could take my face down… He is lonely because his phone is tracked & I know that he doesn’t have a lot of friends & it’s because she would ask a million questions about who he’s out with.

I remind him that he told me about the wrestling & animated comedy, I actually think it’s fucking cute that he has a Facebook page, I tell him that I tried to find it but couldn’t. I mean would I have even liked it anyway? I think different interests would be good, I mean I don’t think that he would enjoy kayaking because he wouldn’t want to look stupid to me, but that’s ok, he didn’t have to come with me, If our different interests were a problem, it would’ve been difficult when we started hanging out on Tuesday nights or when we went to lunch or when we were driving in the car. It wasn’t. The conversation always flowed...” There are things he doesn’t know about me either, I mean he doesn’t know I write or have this blog (he probably wouldn’t be speaking to me if he did!) He was everything I wanted, I always grinned like a Cheshire cat when he defended my honor with men in the groups.

I know that this isn’t the end, it doesn’t feel finished & I wonder if that because he never gives me a proper goodbye? We don’t even get to see each other & finish it.You keep saying things like your kids are a burden (You still seem to forget I want kids in my life, just not my own!), that you have no money & you’re holding me back. But never once have I used those things against you as the reasons not to be with you, as you have me.” I hate that he’s using things against me… I know I will defend him, I mean I love this man, I want to be with him. Of course I am going to defend him, but I also fucking hate that I do.

His reply almost starting off that his pubes are trimmed for the first time in months, guts me… Clearly he’s trimmed them for sex with her or another person or whatever the fuck he is doing! I feel like he’s trying to hurt me to push me away because he says You were the other woman & being treated like Shit was never the intention.” He also says that he would’ve liked a reply within 4 hours. I mean I replied within 2 hours of his last message & I knew that if I did reply he’d ignore it, so I regretted replying at all!

“I do respect you & I’m sorry you never got a proper goodbye . You have to consider the circumstances & I really wanted you to hate me & give you the space & the reasons to get over me.” I wish that I could get over him, but I am starting to realise that clearly I loved him more than he loved me. This was an actual epic love story for me & not for him, because he always had her, because how can he even think that I will get over him that easily?

He says that he felt bad that I put his stuff away & that he thought it was cute, he didn’t realise how much I wanted to live with him or his kids, but he says that it was good to see what I was like with his kids that day & he did imagine our lives together.

A friend has asked me what this guy has that his partner & I won’t leave him alone & are making him make the decision, “I ask myself the same question all the time , what did you see me in me, what does she see in me . She can’t give me answer & it seems like you can’t either. I’m actual shit at everything , I’m the worse handyman ever, terrible at gardening , I don’t even think I have a good personality, I’m a total loser & I’m not even funny. I am literally the most useless man partner in the world (think of Homer Simpson).” I don’t agree with that of course, he always has low self esteem but I am also getting to a point where I am sick & tired of pumping up his ego.

He tells me that his partner thinks about me all the time & it hurts her that we were in love & had chemistry. He says he should’ve been honest but was trying to make it easier on her. He says that he’s tried to look me up on Facebook but he couldn’t find me either! He says that she logged into his chat app account by accident, so he couldn’t warn me to take my picture down. But he says that she won’t do anything now, she would’ve done it already. The kids came into her mind when she gets angry & it stops her from coming after me. I guess that’s one good thing!

“It hurts me our friendship had to end & don’t think I don’t miss it. I thank you for not being a crazy bitch & respecting me.” If only I had the same respect!

Surprisingly he says that he never got that final email, that’s in the blackmail document (Fuck I that that he’s calling it that!) but he says that we shouldn’t be emailing & that they’ve both left the chat app & that he wants me to get on with my life. But he’s surprised that I still feel the same way about him & that I miss him so much. Well he was my fucking best friend, I miss talking to my best friend more than anything!


Noodle #57

The emails continue daily, Noodle replies every morning & I reply by the evening… His replies to tell me that she won’t murder me & that he does have guns, FUCK! but they only fire blanks… Well at least that’s something!

He says that I have no idea what state he was in when she left him the other day, (yeah I do Noodle, you fucked me over several times… I was in a fucking state when you left me & ghosted me!) He says that the document is very detailed & he’s scared I’m going to one day give it to her. He tells me that he didn’t know all the shit they were doing was coming back to me but he has stopped using everything & closed their relationship.

He tells me not to lie to him, that I have moved on & I am happy otherwise I would’ve replied to him straight away… Fuck I feel like he doesn’t get me at all! He tells me that he was stupid to show her where I lived but he felt like he was in a rock & a hard place.

Of course he puts himself down & thinks that I can do better than him sexually as he’s not that kinky. I mean this guy, fuck! I don’t know how many times I need to reassure him!?

Noodle bad relationship.png

He doesn’t understand why I want to see him again or why I want to meet up, but he feels like he has too because I’m blackmailing him… He says that he’s on edge with that document & if I want to make my move, to do it soon because he’s sick of all the drama! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? He says that he contacted me because she left him but he won’t tell me why because he doesn’t want to give me more blackmail material… Oh FFS!

I don’t know what type of shrink she is seeing but apparently she tells his partner that she can leave to go interstate with the kids & it would cost him huge amounts to get them back – What a fucking ridiculous shrink! I am certain they wouldn’t say that to her at all… But Noodle believes it. He says that his kids are the most important thing to him & hopes I can respect that. If I can’t, then I should put him out of his misery & get it over & done with! -Of course I fucking respect that, that’s why I left him alone in the first place.

My replies are a lot longer than his. I guess I have more time to think about them, they are more structured that his, he’s all over the place with his topics. But I remind him that he told me should would murder me & that she watches crime shows – she would get away with my murder, he also sent me threats to go to the police, so I made the timeline as a protection for me not to blackmail him. I only sent it to him so he knows that it exists, not to use it against him. The fact that he’s still “shitting his pants” I’ll send it to her, means to me that he hasn’t told her everything like he said he had! The only people with a copy of the timeline is me, Noodle & now my sister on a USB (& trust me, she doesn’t want to look at naked pics of us! Hahaha).

I didn’t reply to him straight away not because I had moved on but because I knew he’d go back to her. He is so scared of being alone that he messages me the second things go to shit. But I feel like a fool again for even replying to his message now that he’s begged for her to come back & she has.

So many people on the chat app have wanted to message his partner, I’m actually surprised it took so long. I mean I have no idea what Crows has been saying to her besides the screenshots he sent me, but I’m assuming he’s loyal to me being I could destroy his life too!

I refuse to boost Noodle’s ego about our sex life, he knows that he was good enough for me, I’ve even told him so many times that he is the best I’ve ever had, yet somehow he uses that as a reason not to be with me.

I remind him that his partner only wanted to do the open relationship & swinging, the kinky stuff because she thought it would keep him. He says he cheated because of the sex but he wouldn’t have fucked me for a year if it was just about sex. You would fuck a multitude of women, not just one & then there wouldn’t be anything to trace.

I try to help him by sending him some links to family court website & tell him that the reason why I backed away was because of his kids. As much as I love Noodle, I think his kids deserve better, but I am not going to be the woman they hate when they grow up.

Again his reply comes early the next morning. He says that he was stupid for showing her when I live & didn’t know what to do. She game him a ultimatum & he gave in – he was under pressure. He didn’t threaten me with the police, it was a warning because he was scared of what she might do. Well I wouldn’t need a fucking warning if he hadn’t shown her where I live. He says he made his decision that day to leave her & that he didn’t hesitate to leave his stuff. He was so scared he never see his kids again.

He knows she was attention seeking but he knew once she took those pills he couldn’t leave her. He says he doesn’t have an ego & I don’t need to feed it, just that I can do better & we should leave it at it.

Apparently the shrink calls Noodle names to his partner, says that Noodle & I deserve each other. I mean really? Is that even true. I think she’s telling him shit to manipulate him, I mean no shrink would call another person a name to mentally unstable person, surely?!

He says that he hates that his family knows that he cheated, they all love his partner, more than him & they would all resent me. He says that he could’ve stayed with them but he wanted to be with me because I am his best friend & he wanted to leave her. He says I was happy on the anonymous app & I was ignoring him to he salvaged what he could with her. (I took 2 hours to reply to his last message!)

It makes me laugh when he says that he avoided the chat app groups! Like what a crock of shit, he couldn’t go into the groups because so many people hated him & the people that did like him, now hate him because of what he did to me plus to top it off, he has a fucking matching user name with her! Don’t fucking give me that bollocks that he avoided the groups!

He reminds me of how much debt they have & that he wouldn’t be able to fight her legally for the kids. So he’s fucked, he does say that he probably deserves it, which I don’t disagree with! However, what judge would award custody to a mentally unstable woman?

I actually start to soften a bit, I am not so angry but starting to realise that Noodle is trapped. Trapped with a violent manipulator, yes he seems weak to some of you – I get that. But if it were the other way around, the man being violent to a woman, no one would think the woman weak for staying…

I am angry about the fact that he never messaged me around her, he always logged off, of course, but that day he was here, I sat there holding his infant while he messaged her all fucking day. Barely even talking to me. & then he breaks up with me again via a chat app… I mean don’t I deserve something better from him? He can’t possibly love me if that’s how he can treat me.

I didn’t really have a chance to reply to him, I didn’t wait because I had moved on, I wanted to wait to my test results & I also wanted to wait to see what the police had to say. I tell him that if he really wanted to get in contact with me, he would’ve text me, not used an app that I don’t get notifications on.

I tell him that her psychologist is terrible that she is seeing, mine is so neutral, I hate to think sometimes what he is thinking about my insane choices – however he never judges me or puts anyone down. So I don’t believe that her psychologist is even saying these things. I think his partner is just saying it to get a rise out of him & manipulate him more… Guess what, it’s working too! Ever heard of gaslighting? Bosses usually do it, I’ve had it done to me a few times & it works! She’s doing it to him now!

I come clean about why I was posting things on the anonymous app because he was, not because I have moved on. It’s the only time that I have ever done anything tit for tat. I hate that I did that to be honest. I guess that’s what I do when I am so fucking hurt & knowing the man I love if trolling online still while I am hurting, not eating, not sleeping…

I don’t think that she would ever get custody of the kids, I tell him that he would probably get them, but I say that he could get legal aid. He reminds that he was going through a break up & that’s why he was on his phone all day, he’d been with her for 12 years. I mean why did he come to my house when it wasn’t over? He says he doesn’t like using her name around me (but I keep using it, instead of partner & him saying wife).

He says I felt terrible picking my stuff up, it broke my heart even more seeing you had moved my clothes into your bedroom & putting my electronics next to your tv.” Do you know what, I knew he wasn’t going to be moving in, but I never thought he’d come like a thief in the night to get it all, I was expecting him to see that I had moved it & I am glad that it had that affect on him.

He figures that I was ignoring him as I ignored the STI messages (because I wanted my results first!) & had ignored his other messages (because I didn’t want to feel like a fool when he went back to her – which he did!)

He noticed my tit for tat posts & said that it stopped him from using the apps for a while, I was only posting that shit because he was… He says that he wasn’t suddenly over me but it was an attempt at the healing process… (What by hurting me?!) He says that he has a big gap in his life that needed filling, which is why he is on the app.

He says that his family love his partner & treat her better than him sometimes (REALLY? After this!?) but her family wanted her to break up with him. They hate him more than ever & his partners sister has cut all ties with them… WOW.

Noodles partner apparently tells anyone who will listen about the affair, including all her friends & both their families, she also told any new guy online about it because it helps her with the healing process. He doesn’t know why she lied to people & kept the 3 months BJ story going but she knows that we had sex & it was a long affair. He says that yes he did lie about things to protect me & to save his family – it was never a dig at me or to hurt me – but mainly he says that he didn’t think I would ever find out! “Do I miss you ? Yes. Do I still have feelings for you ? Yes. Do I want to fuck with your heart or your head ? No . Do I want save my family & marriage . Yes .”

He tells me that he was never unhappy with her or looking for a replacement. “Did I fall in love with two woman at once . Yes.” He says that he has not idea how hard it was for him… Errr! Yes I do, I was always fucking waiting for a scrap of his time! I know how fucking hard it was!

He talks about the timeline again & says that he’s surprised I had so many screenshots (yeah I am too, why did I save everything?) He says that he can only summarise what we has as “Special.”

He says that her shrink has said to her that he replaced food with sex when he lost weight, also that he gets bored easily & needs to be kept busy… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHRINK?! Who says that, he’s not a child with ADHD! I wasn’t just sex to Noodle…

“I’m a terrible person & a terrible partner . I’m sure one day you will see that . I’m truly sorry for fucking with your head & your heart so much . I didn’t want to ghost you , I just had too . I want to be happy & want you to be happy too . Sorry for popping back up .”

I am aware that our email exchange is getting longer & longer. I can’t help it, I have so much to say to him, I hate that I have so much left to say.

I remind Noodle that I know why he was messaging her all day that day, but ask him to put himself in my shoes, the one day I get to have with Noodle, the one fucking day where I thought all my dreams were going to come true & he spends it on his phone to her, while I look after the baby. He should’ve broken up with her properly & made sure it was over before he used me to hold his baby while he sorted shit out.

I hated that towards the end I was always going to him because he couldn’t fake his location, that I got his sweaty balls from the gym, his unshaven pubes & would wait hours on end for his replies…

I tell him that I was going to attempt to put together his electronics, but decided against it, that I was going to pack away all his stuff too in draws. I even tell him that I didn’t tidy up because I wanted home to see that I wasn’t that clean, I just cleaned before he came over all the time because I clean when I’m anxious. I clean while I’m waiting.

I tell him again that I didn’t ignore his STI message, that I was waiting for results & didn’t want to write back to him till I knew. I tell him that I am furious about how he handled that too, I mean I didn’t even get a Hey #IBD4U, just straight into accusing me of giving it to her. I tell him that I never posted on the anonymous app to piss him off, I was hurt, crying & not eating or focusing on uni that I needed to just do something. I even thought some of the posts were from her.

I ask if she knows all the truth, like all of it… I mean there can’t be anything left to find out now, I guess. I question how everything went down because only 2 days prior to that, she told Sweetie they were so happy, strong & planning their wedding.

I tell him about the police report, so he knows that it’s happened & I am being 100% honest, open & transparent, with him in case anything happens.

I see that she is still manipulating him through the things her shrink is telling her, I don’t even believe that the shrink is saying those things to be honest, or maybe I just have a good one!? Noodle clearly didn’t get bored with me after 18 months & is still chatting to me even another 4 months after ending me with so clearly he doesn’t get bored… I’m not sure the shrink is a qualified person at all!

I tell him that he isn’t a terrible person, I wish I hated him & didn’t still love him. But I do tell him that I deserve a proper goodbye. I again try to get him to see me!