Silverlining

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

Silverlining meant to lose you

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U

Motocross #19

When I wake up I decide not to write back straight away to Motocross’ message saying that he’s changed his flight, I mean I am not sure I believe it. But is it so unbelievable that a man would want to change his flight so he could see me?! Or do I just not believe any of what this guy is telling me because I can’t google him & he should be easily googled from info that he’s told me about his occupation?!

I make him (for a change) wait till almost 11:00 am for my reply “Hey sorry I was asleep when I got your message. I have a hair appointment tonight so will be home about 9-9:30 if that’s ok?” he says it sounds good. We don’t talk again for the rest of the day. After my appointment, I send him a message that I’ll be home in the next 10 minutes. He replies instantly “Sounds good I’ll be inside you in 20” with a poking out tongue emoji. FUCK finally! I say that I hope so & he says “Lol it’s happening” Maybe it isn’t just friends for him?

I walk in the door, turn on the heater, grab a beer & shortly after Motocross knocks on the door. Really, he’s still knocking, unless I tell him the door is unlocked he knocks?! Anyway whatever, lets not dwell on that… He gets to my house & I kind of expect to be pushed up against the wall in the throws of passion, but he comes in awkwardly & doesn’t kiss me hello, he says something about my hair (at least he says something about my hair!) & we sit on the couch, chatting.

It’s already after 9:30 pm when we sit chatting, both us take turns in getting up to warm by the heater, when he is standing by the heater at one point, I say something about his flight that was supposed to be today & he says that if I had’ve written back to him last night that he would’ve come over then (Murray Bridge is an hour & a half drive from my house – he wouldn’t have got here till after 12:30 am – would he have really come over?!) & his reply said that he had already changed his flight to come over tonight, but he says “Well I changed it cos I wanted to see you.” I sit there unable to look at him thinking how fucking cute that is – smirking like an idiot, I say that quietly & he asks what I said, coming back over to the couch to sit next to me, this time a little closer, I tell him that it’s fucking cute that he changed his flight… I feel like I don’t blush a lot in real life (As you can imagine, I am quite open with a lot of things – blushing isn’t something that happens often) but I am blushing. So it’s not long (but it’s longer than 20 minutes) that Motocross & I lean into kiss each other, both realising we need to make a move at the same time, we kiss & have sex in my bedroom the same way as we have most times we’ve fucked. It’s good & I can’t believe how much I missed it. What a relief.

Laying there afterwards, naked in bed, he says “We should’ve done that 4 times ago” I can’t help but giggle, not only do I agree & wish we had fucked the last few times but how fucking cute is it that he knows how many times he’s seen me that we haven’t had sex!! I ask why didn’t we have sex 4 times & he just says he doesn’t know… I mean I have no excuse for it either, it’s not like we’re tired, He leaves at midnight or later, it’s not that late that we’re so tired we don’t want too. He also tells me at this time that I’m the best at giving head that he’s ever had… I like sucking dick, we all know that… However this guy hasn’t ever gone down on me & he’s still not touched my clit to get me off. Yet I’m still sucking his dick? & he’s not the first guy to tell me that I’m the best they’ve ever had… So I know I am good at it, great even…

He gets up to leave around 1:30 am, giving me that lingering hug at the door & saying he’ll message me tomorrow. Which is also a new development too, saying that he’ll message tomorrow. He usually just plans the next date before he leaves or just hugs me, so saying he’ll message tomorrow is quite new. I also will now stupidly expect a message, I mean if I say I’m going to message, then I will message. So unfortunately for me, tomorrow I will think about nothing else, until he messages me… I almost wish he didn’t say he would message me, because then I can just go about my day & not think about why he hasn’t messaged me.

The next day, I think about him all day. I know his flight to wherever he is going is today, that he changed – I don’t know what time it is though… I still can’t believe I fell for that – is it even true?! Well I’ll never know so we will just give him the benefit of the doubt! I wait for his message & the whole day I jump every time I get a notification on my phone waiting for his fucking message! Fuck you Motocross for saying he’d message! It’s Friday night, I have a work social club event, bowling & laser tag so I am out when I see his name pop up on my watch “Hey how was your day?” Wow he actually messaged me first! I tell him that I’m on my way home & ask how his flight was, he asks how bowling is & I say that I won the game of bowling & came 4th in laser tag. He sounds surprised that I say I’m not that shit at activities. He says that he is surprised but didn’t think I was shit. I tell him that I could kick his ass he replies “haha settle down miss pumping your own tires much” Why the fuck do men call women miss? Especially women older than them. It’s weird! I tell him that I have to pump my own tyres as no one else will! He says that I was good at mini golf & he says about bowling “I thought you might get distracted with balls in hands. True I’d pump ya but not your tires tho” I tell him that he did that last night & it felt fucking amazing, he says he’s keen for more though (tho). Well that’s good to know – I guess. I tell him that I’ll take him bowling & how him how good I am & that I am keen for more too. He says “Yeah that sounds good I’m keen” I ask if he means bowling or sex & he says both. I say good answer & he says correct. I don’t reply as I fall asleep.

We don’t talk again until Sunday when I message to ask how his weekend was & if he won his race. He says that he did (of course!) I tell him that I have been out this weekend for a ride with nephew, he then asks what I’m doing tonight! Finally this dude is making plans. Interestingly when I back off a bit, he seems to realise. I tell him that my family is over & he came come over after, he says ”Yeah sure I can cum” I smirk at that, I message him at 8:20 pm to say my family is going now, but when he’s still not at my house at 8:45 pm nor has he replied, that I send another message. I don’t get a reply but he rocks up 15 minutes later, with no kiss as he walks in but an apology for being later & not replying to my texts.

Motocross waterslide that isn't wet

We sit down on the couch watching music, I prefer to put on music because then we talk. If we watch a dumb movie, we actually watch the movie. Motocross sits closer to me tonight instead of on the other end of the couch, we actually snuggle while chatting, which is also a new development, I’m not a really cuddly person, so I don’t mind not cuddling but this is nice to sit, chat & cuddle for a change. It’s been 6 weeks with Motocross & we’ve been on over 20 dates & we’re finally cuddling on the couch like a couple. While our sex is the same as in his moves are the same, no foreplay besides kissing, it’s also very different, it feels different, more connected perhaps? Motocross tells me afterwards that I am the best he’s ever had. This isn’t new news to me, I’ve been told this before & he’s told me similar before.

When Motocross jumps up to leave, I am perplexed. I do tell him that he can stay over sometimes & he says he definitely will, we have the lingering hug goodbye & he asks what I’m doing Tuesday, am I free to catch up, which I say that I am. Ironically though, he knows I have a high sex drive, he’s told me that he has a high sex drive, we’re obviously moving into a more than friends, more than sex vibe, why doesn’t he want to stay over? Why doesn’t he want to message me more? Is it because he’s leaving for the USA in a couple of months & he’s getting attached already? I don’t know why I can’t ask the questions, I don’t want to ruin then time when we’re together. I also don’t want to be that crazy woman demanding he message me every day & then I become an obligation. I want someone to want to be with me because they want to be with me – not because I give them an ultimatum or pull a stunt!

We don’t message again after that cuddly evening until Tuesday when I message to say I’m going to the gym he can come after he says yeah cool. I message when I get home & he says that he’s just eating so it takes him almost 40 minutes to get to my house at 9:00pm. I have put on music again so we can talk. I am also trying to build up the courage to talk to him about what the fuck is going on with us. He gets all excited about the car that he’s buying his brother this week. He says that he’s never had a brand new car & Motocross is buying him a brand new car, he went to Holden this week to look at cars & has picked one out, he’ll pick it up tomorrow & give it to him. He tells me how it’s a $90k car & he had the cash in a backpack! -WTF?! $90K IN A BACKPACK? Really?! I honestly have no reason to doubt what this guy tells me – to not believe him, but I also find it really hard to believe anything he says to me. Could this even be true?!

It’s like he can sense I want to talk to him about us & the where were going talk, because he says he’s really tired & really sorry but he’s going to go home. He’s been at my house an hour & a half, why did he bother? I guess he didn’t want to bail. He wanted to see me perhaps? So we obviously don’t have sex, we don’t have the talk I was planning, he gives me a lingering hug goodbye & says that he wants to see me Thursday. I say ok & suggest that we go bowling, since we talked about it a few times since I went with work people. He says he’d love that, but also apologising for leaving, walking out about 10:30 pm after getting to mine at 9:00 pm. I need to back away, I am going to get hurt here. I can just feel it.

#IBD4U

Motocross #18

Ok so as you may or may not remember, Motocross said in his profile that he likes mini golf & adventures etc. He’s a motocross/supercross rider so I know that he likes to do some different things. I decide that tonight that I am going to take him to the indoor mini golf pub called Holey Moley in the city. I’m going to show him that I’m fun that I’m not just about sitting at home watching bullshit movies like Sharknado. I message him that I got home early, as I’m going to get my tax done, that I am going to cook us dinner & then instead of watching movies we’re going to the mini golf place (I’ve talked to him about it before asking if he’s been there before or not). He says ok that sounds good. I message him a couple of hours later when I am home from the tax agent & he says he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

True to form, Motocross rocks up at exactly the time he says, I kiss him on the cheek awkwardly when he walks in. We walk into the kitchen as I am making taco bowls, I have cut everything up & put in bowls on the bench, I have sour cream, salsa, avocado, corn, lettuce, tomato, refried beans, mayo, cheese, capsicum & the taco meat. I have gone all out for this guy, probably more than I would put out for my own taco bowls.

I’m dressed in a cute skirt with tights & a top, ready to put my boots on to go out tonight. I am having a beer, because I assume he’ll drive. I give him a bowl & let him make his taco bowl to his liking. Literally he puts a tiny bit of lettuce in the bowl with a bit of meat & cheese. No sauces, no other toppings. I ask him if he doesn’t eat anything else & he says that he likes plain food, I ask if he wants tomato sauce, with a laugh but he says no. I have stupidly been buying him coke too when I go to the shops, I drink sugar free so I have both options in the fridge for him – I offer beer but he takes a coke. We sit & eat dinner chatting on the couch. I seriously can’t believe he is just eating taco meat & cheese. After dinner we head into the city, he gets me to drive because he says he doesn’t know where he is going. I get a rock star park & even show off my amazing reverse parallel parking skills… I know he is impressed because he says something. I have already booked & paid for the mini golf online because I wanted to make sure we got in, it’s usually pretty busy but it is a weeknight, so I’m not sure it’s that busy – it is quite busy for a Thursday.

We go to the bar & buy drinks, he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket so I pay for them & we play the game of mini golf. We play a bit quicker than I have ever played there, however every time I’ve been here it’s been with a big group so it can take a lot of time if they need a bunch of hits to get the ball in. He’s good, but I’m actually not too bad at the game either, however he wins but I am not that far behind him to be honest.

Motocross bad sex bad relationship

It’s not like I expect either, I mean it would be a perfect date to try to help me with my putting or touch me & be cheeky, however Motocross never touches me at all… We go up to the bar for another drink, which he pays for & the guy asks if we want the second course for a discounted price, Motocross says yeah & he pays for the drinks & the discounted course. We play another round. It’s fun & laugh a lot but we don’t touch, god forbid we touch or kiss.

After our second drink & second game we head home. We talk about the mini golf the whole way home, I mean he was super excited the entire trip to the city & now he’s talking about what holes he liked the best & how they had it set up. He also kept our score card & kept going through it on the way home.

I let him out of my car before I go into my carport as the passenger can’t get out with my kayaks on the wall & it’s a tight squeeze. He stands by my front door waiting for me to unlock it, he comes in & I offer him a drink turning on the heater & tv. We both always take it in turns about who stands in front of the heater & we talk a lot to be honest. He stays at my house till midnight but again we don’t have sex! He hugs me goodbye, that lingering hug that makes me feel pretty safe & that this is more than just friends, but also somehow makes me feel like this could be just friendship…

Ok is it weird it’s twice in a row that we haven’t had sex? This is new to me, is it a relationship or are we just friends? I again try not to dwell on it because I don’t want to pressure it either. I mean do I even know what I want? While I like this guy a lot, I like hanging out with him, it is missing something, it is missing the passion – the can’t keep your hands off each other passion that I had with Noodle. There is no way even the times I met Noodle for just lunch when I tried to end it or the times we met, we couldn’t not touch. I do have sexual chemistry with Motocross but do I have the passion? I mean this feels like we’re more than just friends. Are we just friends? Is that all he’s looking for? I mean he’s going back to the USA in October – though he’s also told me November too so who knows, maybe he’s pulling away because of that? Maybe he just wants to be friends?

I decide that I need to pull back from this too, I am getting too invested & he’s putting up barriers, so I decide that I am not going to message him to see what’s up this weekend, we last talked on Thursday after golf, its now Sunday. I don’t remember if he’s home or not, I refuse to message, even though I think about it all weekend. Literally the second my family arrive at my house, I see his little face pop up on my watch, I can’t help but smirk like a jerk at the fact he’s finally messaged me first. Maybe he is into me? Maybe this is more than sex? Maybe this is more than friendship? No guy messages to ask how your weekend was if he just what’s to be friends?!

We talk about our weekends & it’s all very cordial, I talk about how I saw the news with the Sydney show being cancelled & he said that there as no reason for people to be pissed off. I then ask if he wants to come over a bit later as my family are packing up, he says that he’ll see me soon & 15 minutes later he’s at my door, knocking.

He comes in & we talk the evening away, I don’t recall all the conversations we have but I am getting to know this guy a lot better. I talk about my trip to Brisbane, we talk about his trips away for work (riding), we talk about how shit my work is at the moment. We just talk a lot, especially when we’re not watching movies. So I tend to put on YouTube music videos because we learn a lot more about each other when we listen to music. He’s at my house till around midnight, again yet we don’t have sex! FUCK what is going on here?! As he lingers with his hug goodbye, squeezing me tight, he asks what I’m doing on Tuesday night, I say nothing but the gym & he says that he’ll see me then. Do these hugs means something? I know I don’t get men’s cues very good, they need to not be subtle with me, they need to be straight to the point about what they want, I know he can be shy, I am definitely awkward, so we’re not a great match at making moves.

We don’t speak again until Tuesday, I message & ask if he’s coming over as per his hug request, I say that I’ll be home around 8:00 pm, he says that he’ll come on over then, I tell him the door is unlocked, I’m just in the shower. He comes over & we sit around again, chatting listening to music till around midnight when the exact same thing happens, no sex, the lingering hug but no plans to catch up this week – he’s flying out on Thursday sometime so I probably won’t see him till next week. This is exactly 6 weeks since we met online…

I realise on the Wednesday that I am horny & want sex, if I don’t get sex with him tonight it’ll be almost 2 weeks since we had sex, but I’ve seen him 4 times – where we could’ve had sex, I figure I’m going to have to make a move if I want this to happen. Believe me the last 4 times, I’ve thought about it, I’ve tried to make a move but my stupid brain won’t let me. Making me think that he’s just not that into me & we’re just friends… No guy would hang out with someone this often if they are just friends, would they? I mean would you come to someone’s house 3-4 times a week if you just wanted to be friends?

So on Wednesday I message “Hey, I just realised that I probably won’t get to see you till next week, if I don’t see you tonight. So just wondered if you’re free tonight?” I send it at 6:30 pm, so I can still go to the gym if he can’t make it. He replies almost instantly that he’s out at the moment & he’ll try to come around after but he’s at Murray Bridge. I say that’s no worries, I’m off to the gym, will be home around 8:00 pm & he should let me know. After gym I shower as usual & sit around waiting for a message, even a message to say sorry I can’t make it. But nothing comes. I go to bed pretty fucked off, so I can’t sleep at all. I toss & turn all night till just after 11:00 pm I hear a text message come though. I read it “Hey sorry I’m just leaving Murray Bridge now I’m changed my flight till Friday morning so I’ll see you tomorrow night” I fucking hate that I smirk like a wanker at the fact he’s changed his flight, I mean am I that gullible?! Did he really change his flight that late at night to see me? I refuse to write back because he should’ve messaged me earlier to just say sorry he wouldn’t see me tonight – just so I wasn’t sitting around waiting, so now, he can wait, he can feel like the idiot for a change, wondering if he changed his flight for no reason!

I fall asleep pretty quickly, finally able to relax!

#IBD4U

Motocross #17

So my birthday weekend consists of a few drinks with friends at the Switch event on Friday night. I have met a guy at Rope who literally looks half like Noodle & half like Dom Dom, that I am quite attracted to him & we’ve been chatting online about him doing some impact play with me, which he did at the last Switch when I wore the nurse costume. I’m wearing a different costume this time – in line with the theme that makes me feel uncomfortable of Animals. It’s my birthday so I talk to Ripples about being tied as usual at Switch & this other guy, who I’m not sure I’ve nicknamed yet, but he’s tied me before, I’ve talked about before I’m sure & who I would really love to tie with him more.

I’m not sure how I’m going to explain the bruises on my ass from my impact play this weekend to Motocross, he always asks me to flip over & fucks me from behind, I bruise easily & I bruise a lot from impact play – I wish I could show you a picture because sometimes they look amazing (If you’re into bruises I guess) I don’t want to freak Motocross out so I don’t know what I am going to say when I see him next, generally I can have a bruise on my ass for over a week from impact play like this.

Maybe I should explain impact play for you too? Well it can be a sexual thing of course, everything technically can be really if it turns you on. I mean I like being hit & bruised in a sexual way, but at Switch it isn’t about sex, it’s sexual & dominated & fun but I’m not fucking these guys, a bit like Rope, while it can be sexual it’s not with me & the guys that I am doing it with. So impact play, I usually am up against something & then he’ll use toys such as whips, paddles, door stops or even his hand to spank my ass, sometimes my legs… It makes me wince sometimes but it’s a good feeling, oddly. I guess it’s not for everyone of course, but I do enjoy a bit of impact play.

I am not completely drunk but I am tipsy, I have a great night & I go home to sleep it off, waking up with a sore ass in the morning. Saturday comes & goes with nothing from Motocross (Almost forgot this was a post about him! Hahah) I am busy & not really worried about him messaging, I know he’s away with his brother at the moment & also racing.

Sunday comes & goes too, my family come over as usual when I think fuck it, I am just going to message him. I don’t think he was coming back Sunday night like usual, I think he was staying till Monday with his brother so I don’t think he can see me tonight, but I still want to see how his weekend was. I just ask how his weekend was with his bro. “Hey weekend got cut short we only got half a show in before the weather kicked in and it became dangerous to ride so there gonna re set a date to go back catching up with me bro was good thanks. How was your weekend birthday go well hope did you end up hitting town” I had seen on the news – mainly because Facebook keeps popping up crusty demon adverts for me that the Sydney show was cut short. People were heaps pissed about it & it was a big controversy, especially since it was all just plastic seats & people paid hundreds of dollars. “Awww that sucks. Winter probably isn’t the best time to have shows. Yeah birthday weekend was really good. Went out but lost my ATM card. Never lost it before & wasn’t supremely drunk” Out of all the times I have have been so wasted that I am vomiting or unable to stand (I used to be a super messy drunk) but at kink events after I got so drunk that night, I now hate deing drunk & don’t drink as much as I used too. It was like the kick up my ass to not drink to excess anymore. But this night I somehow lost my bank card. “Yeah definitely sucks but all good just gotta go back and do it again soon. Yeah nice I’m good it was really good then. Oooh that’s not good defs not fun losing that” I send him a picture of me & my friend where I look super cute in my costume & tell him I have my new card sorted & that I can pay with my phone so it’s ok. But I never get a reply. Jesus, not this old chestnut.

I decide that I am not going to obsess about it, the next day around lunch time I just send him a cheeky message “Did me as a bug scare you? Hahaha” with an emoji face. He literally writes back within seconds “Huh a bug scare me you still drunk” WHAT? I’m not drunk, what the hell? “Hahaha no, just thought you’d have said something… I figured you’re scared of the dark at my house, that maybe you’re scared of bugs” He says all the time that my house is dark, I never have a lot of lights on mainly because I don’t need too. I assumed he would have written back to my picture message & said something… he says “Hahaha oh nah not even scared lol” I don’t beat around the bush & ask if he’s free tonight or tomorrow, he says that he’s free tomorrow, so I say about 8:30 pm & he says “okay see you then.”

Again I don’t hear from him all day on Tuesday, I don’t message him either. I don’t even message that I am home, assuming he’ll just rock up at 8:30 pm, but he messages at 8:40 pm to ask if I’m home, I say that I’m sorry I assumed he’d just come over. He says that he’ll see me soon & 5 minutes later he knocks on the door & we pass by each other without a hello kiss. When we’re sitting on the couch I ask him about the picture & why he didn’t have a comment about it, I mean I am in a costume, surely he would have something to say about it, I look cute, my cleavage is amazing. He says that he never got it, I think that’s fucking weird, I show him the messages that I sent him & he says that he didn’t get it. He says that he left his phone in the car so he’ll show me later. Now I know what you’re all thinking, what a crock of shit, because that’s what I thought too, I was like he’ll just delete the message & pretend it wasn’t there if & when he shows me his messages… However, as fate would have it I had sent a picture message to a guy at the plumbing store (not a euphemism) before my birthday & I never got a reply, so around this same time I text again asking if he had any luck finding a matching thing I wanted, the plumbing store dude was like who is this? I then speak to him on the phone & he said that he never got my picture message… So apparently something is not right with my phone because it’s not sending pictures. Had I not found that out about the plumbing dude, I wouldn’t have believed Motocross at all. So maybe I am being paranoid about all the other odd things that are making me suspicious?! Maybe there is an explanation for everything & I am just overthinking there to be a problem that isn’t really there?!

Motocross special girl treating like a regular

Interestingly Motocross is at my house till almost 2:00 am that night, however he never touches me & I don’t make a move on him either – of course because I’m like a teenager that can’t make a move on guys, even when I know they like me, he hugs me goodbye, which is a lingering hug & I feel like it’s a bit weird, but he asks what I’m doing Thursday night & wants to see me. I tell him that I’m free as we hug goodbye, my head on his chest, he squeezes & lets me go then leaves. I go to bed & as you can imagine, quite a few things go through my head… So this is the first time we’ve seen each other in the four, almost five weeks since we met, that we didn’t have sex. Lucky we didn’t in a way so I don’t have to explain the bruises on my ass. But considering he was at my house till almost 2:00 am, I can’t understand why he didn’t make a move on me & try to fuck me. Am I just so conditioned to expect a dude to fuck me if he likes me? I start to think that perhaps this is more than just sex for him, he likes hanging out with me too but doesn’t want to be just about sex with me. To be honest, I’ve never dated a guy consistently like this before & not had sex with them. Every guy I’ve dated Origin, Milky, Max, Noodle, Noddy (the main players in my life) & we’ve always met to have sex once we’ve had sex for the first time. Motocross is the first man I’ve dated since obviously my live in Boyrfeiend, that I’ve had sex with & then not had sex with on a date… What does it mean? Also I mean he’s still not sleeping over & I’m reminded of Origin & how many times I asked him to stay over but he didn’t. & surprisingly, after the amazing sex we had last time, I only thought it would get better with him… Not become non existent!

As I said last blog I am basically a 16 year old when it comes to dating so I don’t know what this means, I ask a couple of friends because fuck I am wigging out about this. A few say that it’s ok, it just means that it’s not all about sex, they say it’s a good thing. I mean I would believe that if he slept over. No one says it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t slept over or that we didn’t have sex for the first time, but I can’t help but feel something isn’t right… Am I being friend zoned here? Is he losing interest in me? I mean the texting has dwindled, however he’s still seeing me 3 – 4 weeks for over a month & he’s already locked in the next time to see me.

The next day we don’t talk – again this is ok with me, I am not wanting to be locked into a texting relationship so it’s not as upsetting to me as it once was. I think about what Motocross & I have been doing on our dates. We’ve basically sat at my house every night, watching movies or listened to music before we have sex. We had a few dinner dates & went to the play, but maybe this is getting boring. I mean it is for me. I start planning a fun date for Thursday! I am going to show Motocross what dating me can really be like!

#IBD4U

Motocross #16

I think it’s about time I remind readers, especially new ones to my blog who have just been following the Motocross story, that while I am almost about to turn 38 in the time line of the story (in real life soon to be 39), I am a smart, educated, articulate professional, successful, well travelled woman – when it comes to almost every aspect of my life. But when it comes to dating, or relationships, I am basically stuck at 16 years old. I never did all the mini relationships that teach you what you should do when in these situations when I was younger. I was single until I was 22 & dumped at 25. Since then I’ve basically been single. I’ve only been in love once at age 36 & we all know how that turned out…

Most comments I get from my readers are that they love my story or they’re confused at why I did what I did, believe me when I read back over my stories, I am confused about how stupid I can be or how ridiculous I sound but this is just my diary, aired for you all to read. So please remember to be kind & to also remember, I am seriously emotionally retarded when it comes to dating. I don’t know how to do it & I make mistakes.

Having said that – I’m not holding back with Motocross this time, I don’t give a fuck, I’m going to be 38 in a few days (yes birthday looming!), I do want to get married at some point in my life, though that prospect is looking further & further away each day. I really want to be married & have a partner. I am not mucking around anymore. I’ve let a lot of things slide because I have stupidly stalked him – so I can’t ask about some of it, but this can’t go by without me asking the question, why didn’t he fucking message me this weekend. Yes I was abrupt about asking about it, but that’s my way, that’s just me. I will be silent for so long then snap!

He seems a bit taken back by my abruptness, maybe even a little scared – remember he stutters so his stutter is more prominent, that I’ve either scared him or he’s lying… But he tells me that after he won the race (of course he won!) all the guys were hanging around & they threw him in the ice bath with his phone in his pocket which killed it. Ok that’s a viable story – I guess, he said that he got a new phone this morning & only ever uses whatsapp to chat to his American neighbour who is looking after his house, which he was using on his computer. He said he was waiting till he got his new phone because he didn’t have a sim card with my number on it. I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I hate that I doubt him. I also hate that I’ll never know if he would’ve text me Tuesday (today) or not if I hadn’t found him on whatsapp… I fucking hate that.

Well Motocross is here, hanging out with me, so I don’t press it further – I mean he’s not lying to not see me, he’s lied presumably but still hanging out with me. We sit on the couch listening to songs on YouTube, he likes my taste in music & introduces me to a band he likes that’s similar to my mix, a band called Crossfade, he even sings a few songs when he plays them & I can’t help but think that this is quite comfortable… It’s nice that he’s relaxed around me, we sit & chat the entire evening, we don’t watch movies which is good, just chatting about all sorts of shit. I tell him about my upcoming trip to Brisbane & he asks so many questions about it, that I can’t help but think he’s implying he wants to come. He says that this weekend he’s going to Sydney earlier than usual because he’s meeting his brother there & has tickets for him & his friends for the show, he also says that his brother is coming to Adelaide in a few weeks too from NSW who he hasn’t seen for years so he’s looking forward to that & it’s his birthday so he wants to get him something big for it. I ask if it’s a big birthday like his 30th or 40th but Motocross says he’s turning 38 – which I already know that we are the same age, due to his friend request to me. Which by the way I forgot to tell you disappears… I either accidentally clicked ignore showing someone that he’d requested me or he deleted it after a year when he realises that I am dating his brother perhaps, maybe they’ve talked about me?! I don’t know which but I had screenshotted it – because that’s what I do!

I tell Motocross that it’s my birthday this week on Thursday & he says that he’s flying out on Thursday & wants to see me tomorrow instead. I can’t help but smirk, that’s so sweet he wants to see me for my birthday… Maybe the phone story is true?!

We have sex of course, he hangs around for a while & I tell him I’m not tired, as I’m not but then start yawning so he leaves just after midnight, saying he’ll come over after the gym tomorrow night. He hugs me quickly goodbye at the door, not kissing me as a peck on the lips before he leaves, which is just weird, I mean he has just been inside me, surely he can kiss me goodbye at this point? Three weeks ago today, we met at the pub face to face after having chatted for one day online.

The next day I don’t hear from him all day, I don’t attempt to write to him either, I don’t obsess about it, he said he’s going to come over, then he will. He doesn’t seem like the type to bail. I just send a message at 8pm saying I’m home & in the shower, door is unlocked. I don’t get a reply, but I rush in the shower, not wanting a repeat of yesterday’s awkwardness, I hear his car pull up about 8:30 pm & walks in while I am getting dressed, coming to find me, he says hey but doesn’t kiss me hello again. I don’t kiss him either.

We sit around chatting again watching more YouTube, it’s really nice getting to know this guy. We talk a lot about travelling & his bikes, my work which is really shit at the moment – however I try not to talk about it too much because I don’t want him to think I am just a whinger or after him for his money.

Motocross dick is everywhere

When we have sex, we do it the usual way & lay there afterwards naked & chatting, sometimes dozing in & out of sleep, we usually have sex a second time with me on top, which we don’t do tonight. However tonight after being fucked from behind, we lay back down on the bed & he lays behind me, he sort of spoons me, this is new, he’s not done this before. Touching my hips & running his hands over my side while kissing my neck from behind. FUCK… His hands run over my tits & up to my throat where he squeezes so lightly, I guess to test the waters of if choking is ok with me or not… I can feel his hard cock from behind & he actually slides his hand down to between my legs & he starts to finger me… This is also the first time he’s done that, he does it long enough for me to be really close to cumming, he then starts to slide his cock in from behind, I move to give him better access, his hand returns to my throat, he doesn’t choke me hard, it’s just gentle sexy squeezes while he fucks me on my side…

FUCK Motocross has pulled this out of the bag… I am fucking enjoying this sex the most out of every time we’ve fucked, I am close & I can feel him picking up speed on his thrusts & his squeezing my throat, that I slip my hand between my legs & rub my clit so I cum fucking hard, then shortly after he cums too! JESUS. That was so fucking unexpected… We lay there for a while, that was pretty much verging on epic sex! Finally… I even say to him how good that was, so he knows I loved that.

I realise that it’s after midnight, it’s my birthday… When I tell him the time because I was looking at my watch & he asked, he says happy birthday & I smirk like a wanker, he remembered. We lay there for a while longer before he gets up to leave about 1:00 am. He tells me that he’ll message me tomorrow & we hug goodbye at the door.

On my way to work the next morning, I get a text message from him “Heeeeey happy birthday miss hope you have a good day today” with about 5 emojis including a cake, chinking glasses & balloons. OMG. I grin like a fool… This guy remembered… This guy went out of his way to make me feel special too… I reply saying that it started out well & thank him. I don’t expect a reply, my phone goes off all day obviously being my birthday & to my surprise at almost 4:30 pm he messages again “Your welcome. Yeeeeah right well that’s good then hope you’ve enjoyed it so far then. Sorry I’m not there tho” Awwww, that’s so sweet, usually he doesn’t fly out till Friday but he’s organised to see his brother, not knowing it’s my birthday. I’m not bothered, I mean it would have been good if he was here but it’s not the end of the world, I mean this is only 3 weeks into whatever we are. “heheheh being naked with you was a pretty good start to my birthday. I fell asleep at 5:30 & just woke up. EEK. In bed already… Wish you were here too but understand the joys of travelling for work. You can make it up to me when you’re back” I don’t want him to feel bad, but I don’t want him to think I don’t want to see him either. “Haha that it was #Correct. Aww someone got tired on her birthday day. Yeah sorry I’ll be home before you know it. Oh really make it up to ya ay” I’m glad we still have some banter via text, we’ve been talking more in real life so the texting has dwindled, but the banter is still there “#True. Someone kept me up late 2 nights in a row… Hahaha. Not complaining, just stating a fact. Yes, make it up to me!” I try not to write back straight away but he knows I’m in bed so I realise how stupid that is, but I was I’m on the phone for birthday messages etc. “Excuses me miss you said you weren’t tired soooo you can’t be throwing me under the bus on that one. Yeah you definitely weren’t complaining. Haha alright I’ll see what I can do” Maybe I have nothing to worry about here? “Hmmmm I wasn’t tired, till I woke up with only 6 hours sleep. Hahaha Totally worth it! I never complain after I’ve cum. Look forward to it.” I don’t hear from Motocross again on my birthday, the next day I don’t stress about the fact we don’t talk. I don’t want just a texting relationship like I had with Noodle, so it’s ok we don’t message all the time. He’s also with his brother & his brothers friends all weekend. So it’s not a big deal. I relax & enjoy my birthday weekend.

#IBD4U

Motocross #15

So while you’re all angry at me for making you wait with a cliff-hanger & you were all excited about Motocross, as was I, just imagine being me & waiting around like a loser for his reply in real life! For days!! Overthinkers nightmare!! I spent a long time agonising over that message that I sent on whatsapp, I mean stalker alert, what if this guy is trying to ghost me & I’m the barnacle on his butt that won’t leave him alone?! I rewrite it in my head over & over, I overthink the wording, what I would change if I could, what I should have written, should I write again!? FUCK.

I literally have a million things going through my head, mostly about what’s happened to him, not that he just didn’t want to write to me. He’s told me before that he had a bad accident that left him bed ridden & paralysed for 6 months, that I think about the worst case scenario, that he’s crashed, he’s injured, he’s in a bad way & no one knows to message me to tell me because they don’t even know about me. (When things got serious with Noodle, I told my sister how to contact him to tell him if anything happened to me – it wouldn’t have been the same if anything happened to Noodle, I would have never known, so I’m assuming it would be the same with Motocross.) If he was & was told, would I go to the hospital? Would I fly to where he is? Would I even be involved at this point, I mean it’s weird, but this is where my brain goes.

I don’t have to torture myself for much longer, I see his reply on my phone without having to click that I’ve read it, jeez whatsapp is good! So because I’m at work when he messages I read the preview but have to wait till later to reply. At least then I can read it & prepare a reply in my head before he sees that I’ve seen it…

“Hey I’m sorry I haven’t I’ve texted you me phone doesn’t work anymore gotta get a new phone today I got back to Adelaide last night. Me weekend was really good thanks. I’m definitely not seeing anyone I enjoy hanging out with you to once I get a phone today I’ll text you. I’m definitely not injured or anything.” Then 10 minutes later “I use wats app to check in with my neighbour back home to see how my house is going” The second message 10 minutes later makes me suspicious, I don’t know why, but it does… The fact that he had to explain something 10 minutes after the first message, just is weird to me – it’s something I’d do when trying to over explain something. What happened to his phone?! How is he using whatsapp if not on his phone? It’s his Australian number, not an American number for him to be messaging his neighbour. But the stupid part of my brain doesn’t really notice all that, & I fixate on the part that he likes hanging out with me & that he’s not seeing anyone else… What is wrong with me!? (This is also part of the reason why I don’t post in real time!)

Motocross what am i

Now, I talk about this on the podcast I was a guest on & I need to invent a word because desperate isn’t the right word, I am not in the traditional sense of the word desperate but I really want a relationship – I want this relationship to work out. I really want to have a partner & I chose this guy to be the one that I want try that with – he’s cute, we have good banter, we have some chemistry. It’s not desperation as such but I want it really badly, if that makes sense?! Maybe impatient? Or determined? (Thanks Thesaurus) still not 100% right, but do you get what I mean?!

So once I have time & have gathered my thoughts, about an hour later I reply, trying to come across as casual than I was before, but still showing interest “No worries… Don’t want to be a crazy chick or anything, but yeah wasn’t sure…. I use whatsapp for the family chat. But saw your contact & thought I’d just see, cos maybe you didn’t get my text… All good. Hope we can catch up again soon.” OMG. That is not casual… What is wrong with you?! Hahaha… He reads the message & doesn’t reply to it. I go about work thinking that I just have to let this guy go. He has multiple ways to contact me, if he wants too, then he will. If he doesn’t, I will walk away & just have a cry & move on.

About an hour & a bit later, I get a text with Motocrosses face popping up on my watch “Hey I’ve got a phone again. Apparently phones aren’t water proof. Soooo how was your weekend you got much planned for tonight” Errr, what?! Phones are waterproof, I’ve have a waterproof phone since I was with Noodle like 2 years ago? I remember because that’s when I started sharing shower pictures & was so obsessed with messaging Noodle every second I could, that I would take my phone with me in the shower! Motocross has an iPhone, I’m pretty sure most of them are waterproof & have been for many years… I try not to dwell on it, I mean the guy is now asking what I’m doing tonight, fuck I am so easy! This is tragic…

“Phones are waterproof if you don’t have a shit iPhone. My weekend was alright, except when I went riding with my nephew… Just going to the gym tonight, nothing else really” I am not going to swap around my gym schedule anymore for this guy, I would normally go earlier or skip it, but after the fact he doesn’t message me all weekend, I am not making any more sacrifices, maybe we are just friends?! “Oi nah there not silly iPhones aren’t shit just the operator. Yeah nice that’s good then oh what happened when you went riding. Oh yeah okay enjoy the gym then. If you want a visit later hit me up.” Hit me up!? I mean he’s said this to me before, I don’t really notice it at the time, but yeah hit me up, isn’t really wanting to hang out with me, is it?! It’s more just a comment like hit me up for sex. Or is it just the way he talks? Well of course you all know I want sex, that’s obvious, so why not… Maybe now I’m just over thinking everything!

I tell him that my phone is waterproof & I’ll prove it. I tell him that when I went riding my nephew stacked it & cried, that I had no idea what to do, #True, I was going to call my sister to pick us up! “But he was ok, he got up & rode on then came screaming down a hill past me ‘I’ve got no brakes’ yeah fun times…!” I then tell him that I’ll be home after 8 & he can come over about 8:30pm. He replies about an hour later “Hahaha oh nah I believe you miss. Ooh that’s unlucky then well least he’s okay then. Oh yeah okay that sounds good or so you wanna do it tomorrow night if your busy” I am pretty annoyed about the weekend of radio silence & even into the week, however my stupid vagina, fucking wants sex… “Yeah I wasn’t good when I got home hahaha, might not be able to watch you do tricks on your bike… I pretty much gym Tues, Weds & Thurs at the same time… just not been going while I’ve been seeing you but can’t keep skipping it… sexercise is not the same… so after is good for me, if that works for you” Yeah I am not skipping it anymore. Motocrosses wife was skinny, I bet I’m the fattest women he’s ever been with!

“Haha yeah right I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t cope seeing me ride then. Oh yeah okay that’s cool well I don’t wAnt you missing it cause of me I can just see you once you finished the gym then that’s cool by me” Yeah I am not changing my gym schedule anymore jerk. “Maybe I’ll just watch you through my fingers?! Hahaha… Or just don’t stack it?! Or scream at me I’ve got no brakes…! Alright, yeah it’s all good… I’ll see you at 8:30. I’ll leave the door unlocked in case I’m still in the shower” Then he can get the hint to just let himself in in the future. “Hahaha maybe best I’d say. Oh nah I don’t stack often hurts yo much unfortunately. LOL my brakes always work so no stress there. Yeah alright okay see ya then sounds good night join ya” So even though there is a spelling error, did he just ask to join me in the shower?! So I talk about my nephew crashing but add “Hahaha.. .I’ll just stay in the shower then shall I?” he replies with “Oh yeah interesting I’ll be cumin then” We text a little bit more, mainly his stupid hash tags of #True, #Interesting & #Correct.

I go to the gym & then message him that I’m home & the door is unlocked just after 8:00 pm. I don’t know what time he’s going to get here & I don’t know if he is serious about having a shower with me. Meeting me in the shower? So I race in the shower, washing my hair as quickly as I can, so I am basically done all the necessities when he gets here, if he jumps in too, I don’t want to be still brushing my teeth or rinsing my hair.

He rocks up about 8:30 pm & scares me as he enters the bathroom (Fuck, not again!), he chats to me through the glass shower screen, he comes in & sits on the edge of the bath chatting, that I have to ask if he’s getting in which he says nah, so I feel like a dick still being in here, I would have gotten out ages ago if I knew he wouldn’t get in.

I turn off the water & grab a towel, drying off in the shower cubicle, it’s not what I usually do but I feel a little exposed, he even says, something about me drying off in the shower & I say that I dry off in there… Which I don’t! I have no idea why I lie, but I then get out & sort of have to stand in front of him drying myself, naked. I feel exposed & weird, why does everything have to be weird after the weird weekend…

I get dressed into a warm casual tracksuit & we go sit in the lounge room, I have put on a YouTube mix before I showered, so we are listening to songs – just relaxing on the couch, I don’t want to suggest a movie because I don’t want to sit here in silence, I want an answer, I want to talk about this… So I sit there for ages when I finally build up the courage to turn to him & say “So what the fuck happened this weekend?”

#IBD4U

Motocross #14

Out at dinner with my colleague & other participants, when I get a message from Motocross finally “Hey how was drive good hotel I hope” I can’t really reply because I’m working, I see it on my watch, so have to wait till I’m back in the hotel about 30 minutes later. “Hey, just got back to the hotel after a work dinner where I ate my weight in carbs… Kinda waste of time going for a run along the river before dinner. Hahaha… Drive was alright – boring & have to do it again tomorrow. Hotel is the usual shitty place. How was your day?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #IBD4U. Did he ask for your fucking life story?! I wait a while, with droopy eyes for his reply, but it doesn’t come so I fall asleep. I wake up early for breakfast with my colleague & we do what we have to do before he actually replies to me, mid afternoon when I am driving home – so I don’t get to read it or reply till later. It’s longer than what I can see on my watch so at least that’s positive… I don’t feel so stupid.

I get home & my friend is there still from KI & I need to go to the gym then dinner with her, so I don’t get time to write back to him. I read it though “Hey sorry bout the late reply. How’d the run go did you do it again. Ooh hopefully your drives more exciting on the way home then unlucky bout your hotel then me day was good thanks just in qld now obviously enjoying the weather up here” Well at least I got a long message back, now I don’t feel like such a dick! Hahaha.

I don’t write back till almost 8:00 pm “That’s ok, I was driving home. Went straight to the gym then dinner with my friend. Run was alright yesterday, my gps jipped me though on how many kms I did… Wish I was in qld. It’s fucking cold as fuck here…!” Just so you know, it’s the 1st August, in the timeline… We’re now in August! I feel like I’m catching up, am I catching up?

He writes back “Oh yeah okay gee busy day then. How was dinner where’d you go. Oh you think you did more kms then your gps said. Yeah I bet you would be nice so your home now I’m guessing” Even though he barely uses punctuation, he is asking questions, he seems like he wants the conversation to keep going. I tell him that I went back to the pub I met him at but we didn’t sit outside this time. I tell him that I did four exact same laps & each one was a different length, so I’m not sure why my GPS fucked up. I say that I’m sitting in front of the heater with my friend watching TV & hanging for my own bed & ask him how his hotel is. I don’t get a reply. At all. I go to bed not thinking much of it, it’s about 9:00 pm where he is, he’s probably asleep? I go the entire next day without a reply too. WTF? I did ask a question to keep the conversation going. He didn’t reply.

My friend has gone back to KI, so I’m home alone overthinking, when I think fuck it, just message the guy! It’s almost 9:00 pm my time on Friday night when I just say “Hey how was you day?” a no pressure message. He writes back almost instantly. “Hey you yeah me day was good thanks pressday dismorring and an autograph singing in the arvo plus we hit up the go karts. How was your day tired of driving yet” I can’t even type out that message without giggling! I ask if he’s signed anything for me yet & tell him that I was in the office all day so was pretty boring day – I’m not sure why work thought it was more important than on the trip with my colleague, but anyway. He says that he hasn’t signed anything for me but he will & says at least I can relax now. I write back “Hahaha… Sign my ass! Yeah just got home & in bed… Got a busy weekend, bootcamp & dinner with gym people tomorrow” His replies come quickly “Haha oh gawd your funny sure. Oh yeah okay jealous I’m not there tho. Oh wow okay defs a busy weekend for ya I’m sure you’ll enjoy it nice where’s your dinner at” I am giggling as I write back “Hahah… you say you like it, so why not sign it? Yeah sucks you’re away… definelty lots of space in bed & a shardnado that hasn’t been watched yet… I think dinner is back at the same pub we met at” he’s told me several times he likes my ass, I do like my butt TBH. Again, his message comes very quickly “Hahaha nah I’m not saying it like that. Yeeeah I’m sorry lol Sharknado someone’s keen been thinking about it ay. Oh yeah nice sounds good” I reply with a sleepy smile “Then you can take a picture so I can see it! Carry my ass around with you! OMG. I’ve blocked sharkando from my memory till now… I refuse to spend the $6 on it” His reply takes a lot longer this time, that I fall asleep… I wake up to his reply that came 30 mins later “haha okay deal not complaining bout carrying your ass around… Really you actually blocked it haha of course you would refuse I would too” I go to the gym & reply after I’ve eaten breakfast “Sorry, fell asleep then woke up late for bootcamp this morning… But made it at least & now I’m fucked. You can look at my ass any time you like if you have it in your phone. I paid for the last 2 Sharknados, YouTube are going to think I’m a fucking weirdo” I go about my day, knowing that he’s racing & probably won’t have his phone.

I go out for dinner & I can’t help myself but keep wishing for him to message & me to see it on my watch. The message never comes… The next day, the same. Nothing… My mind goes to weird places, what if he has crashed? What if he’s in hospital? What if something happened? Should I text again in case his dad has his phone or something?! Should I just give the guy a break, he did say in his messages that he wanted to be in bed with me & carry my ass around in his phone. He’s clearly still keen on me. Nothing could have changed that much in a couple of texts. I can’t help but think the worst!

By Sunday evening after my family have been & gone, I am in the bath, thinking about Motocross in the bath with me. There is still no message from him. I can’t help myself but I look at my dating app, I honestly haven’t looked at it since Writer suggested that I suspend the account. I look at Motocrosses account & it says that he updated his profile a certain number of days ago, but it also says that he’s like 2000+ kms away or something… I realise two things, at least he’s not lying about being away but then that means he’s actually logged on to the account for the kms to update. But I also notice that the day he updated his account – which was him adding his snapchat account details to his profile, was the same day he came over & had a bath with me… Was it before or after we had the bath & he invited me to Vancouver?! Fuck I feel like an idiot… I keep my account hidden, I am never going to date again if this doesn’t work out!

Monday comes & he doesn’t message me either… All day & I get nothing. It does my head in so I send him a text at 8:40 pm “Hey, how’d the weekend go?” I never get a reply… WTF has happened here?! Is he ok? I am starting to get worried… Last message I got from him ws 10:00 pm Friday night, it’s now Monday night & nothing… Fuck? Tuesday morning, I wake up & am so unsure about what has happened here… But of course I think of nothing else… WTF…

Motocross what the fuck

I am lost at what has happened here… I am looking through my phone & look at whatsapp randomly. When I see Motocross has an account with his Australian phone number – thank you whatsapp for the ‘last seen’ time stamp because it says that he was last seen recently (I forget the exact time) Right…? So what the fuck does that mean!? Is he ignoring me on purpose?!

“Hey Motocross,

So I just saw you have whatsapp & noticed you’ve been online. So I’m not sure if you didn’t get my text or aren’t replying on purpose.

I hope it’s not the latter because I’ve liked hanging out with you, was looking forward to seeing you race & you told me you aren’t seeing anyone else plus we haven’t been using condoms…

Anyway, hope the weekend went well. I was worried you got injured when you didn’t reply or want to see me yesterday…

Hope to hear from you soon

#IBD4U”

Looking back on that message, I seem like a fucking skitzo, like I mean, I imply that because we aren’t using condoms, he has to write back to me?! Jesus… It’s so full on now when I read back on it. Also we’d talked about me going to watch him race & he’d also talked about teaching me to ride a motorbike – saying “we’ll get you going”. But the other good thing about whatsapp is you can see when they’ve read your message – so I’ll see when he reads it & if he ignores it, then I’ll have my answer. It also says when you’re online so I need to stay off there too while I await a reply. What the fuck has actual happened here?! What changed his mind so easily? & while I know it was only really two weeks, we talked almost every day – in fact, I think we did talk everyday up until this weekend, we had 8 dates – not just sex dates either, we’ve been out together, we’ve been intimate more than sex, he met 2 of my friends, we had a good time… While it was only a short time, I still think I deserve more than being ghosted completely here… I deserve an explanation, so while I am cringing at that message now many months later, I actually stand by it. What the fuck happened here & why isn’t he messaging me!? If he is cheating on someone with me, without me knowing, it’s odd that he’s been able to get away for as long & as late as he has… What excuse would he use?

URGH this is doing my head in…

#IBD4U