So I didn’t quite finish my Diagnosis #2 post before it posted, I forgot I scheduled it & it auto posted… This one was supposed to go up at 8:00am today, but I set it for 8:00pm! OMG.
As I was saying my lash lady has said she’d been medicated & it changed her life, so I decided to trial medication… Since posting that, I have been on medication for about three months & I can tell you that I do notice some differences, the worst side effect so far is the dry mouth which is causing a gum issue that hurts pretty much 24/7 no matter what I do for it. I freaked out, thinking I would lose my tooth but the dentist assures me that it’s not going anywhere!
Being medicated was a big decision for me, I didn’t want to lose me, lose myself & who I am… Which I haven’t – I don’t think, however I am not as fiery as I once was… (not a bad thing!) I don’t make snap decisions & writing people off as quickly as I did, even within the last three months, I am noticing this difference. But I do feel lazier than I was…
I didn’t realise that my lack of emotion, that my intrusive thoughts (Remember about acting crazy with a pregnancy scare for both Milky & Noodle!), how low my self esteem is & the fact I barely sleep were all part of ADHD… I always just thought I was an overthinker & high maintenance, but really I am not.. Now not all of these have resolved, maybe they won’t ever but they don’t overtake my thoughts as much since being medicated. I wonder how different I would’ve been had I been medicated years ago?
As you also know I have also been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder ‘Atypical anorexia’ which is only fairly new to the diagnostic tools, essentially you starve yourself & have obsessive traits around weight gain, body image & size, yet never looking like what society thinks is an anorexic person – severely underweight & physically looking ill.
As an atypical anorexic, I don’t eat regularly or anywhere near the calories I’m supposed too, (usually 500-1200 per day. BMR is 1439 calories. If I do eat over 1200 calories, its usually because I ate chips.) I exercise a fair bit – not as much as I used too & I obsess about how my clothes are fitting (much tighter) & what the scales say (much higher), yet no one would really know the daily struggles mentally, because I will eat a meal with people & happily eat a streak & chips while out at a restaurant. They obviously don’t see the struggle with clothes & the scales, because I don’t look ‘sick’ to them, I am just a normal woman. Peel back the layers & I am actually severely malnutritioned & struggle most days to even consider food choices, that I end up with a bag of chips, if I do eat. I don’t binge (eating excessive amounts) or purge (vomiting/laxatives), but I don’t make good food choices with meals I do have to make.
Anyway just like a typical anorexic, the recovery is difficult & the treatment plan is to eat three meals per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but also the part that my ‘health professional’ team haven’t really dealt with, is the fact I’ve put on weight, in fact I’ve put on 5kgs in a few months & there is no protocol (so far, I guess) in helping me deal with that body change, which is significant for me. I have put on weight, my clothes don’t fit & I feel awful all the time having to eat & so I wonder what the fuck am I bothering for? I was already overweight, now I am eating, spending hundreds of dollars & I’m even more overweight?
The other part of the recovery protocol is to go to a dietician, I picked one who specialises in eating disorders that was recommenced to me twice. After spending $250 on a 80 minute consult where all I took away from it was when he said, “You will never been in a small body so you just need to eat three meals a day,” I booked a follow up appointment as he was standing right there but promptly emailed to cancel.
After that, a week later I had a session with my psychologist who cost me $200, who basically said I didn’t have to come see her anymore, if I didn’t want too, “Maybe it’s not the right time for your recovery.” Right, I almost didn’t come to this appointment in the first place, now I’ve spent $200 for you to tell me not to bother…
Then I have my amazing GP who I basically have seen almost every month for ten years, but his appointment costs me $100+, (yes I get rebates as part of the ED for all but not a lot of $$) PLUS having to buy food = more $$ every week, & then having to think about food more than I ever have before, I was like what the fuck is the point… With the recovery protocol in full swing, its not like I’ve seen a significant positive change in my mood or I haven’t seen a burst of energy now I’m eating three balanced meals a day. In fact, I just feel frumpy, gross, lethargic & more self conscious that I don’t want to go out & the increase in weight is not stopping…
With ADHD it’s hard to make choices, especially when there are lots of steps. I remember someone at my old job laughing at me because I bought pre-made mashed potato. She was like, “It’s easy, you just cook the potatoes & mash them.” Well yeah, in theory that’s true but in my ADHD head, you have to buy the potatoes, peel them, cut them up, boil them (not even sure for how long), drain them, mash them, add stuff (assuming butter, salt, pepper, garlic, milk, cheese?) & then serve them along with meat & veges that you’ve also had to cook. My brain thinks about ALL the steps, they are overwhelming so I just don’t do any of them!
So I also have a new job (mid 2023), which isn’t going as great as I thought it would… The reasons I left my current job are still exactly the same in this new job… They are an old company that are rebranding with a bad reputation & I was led to believe things were much different. I am ready for the hard work & am excited about the prospects this job has but there are unattainable commissions & a huge drop in pay that are making me questions all my life choices… There is huge potential in this role but that doesn’t help me pay my bills until I can turn things around & hit the commission structure. I have a new boss, who I have talked to about this & he see’s my point, but ultimately, I signed the contract with this pay so there isn’t much he can do (though he says he is), but me look for another job.
While I haven’t officially dated anyone since my diagnosis & since being medicated, but I have just completed a Cert IV that I have been doing for almost two years in about one month. (even my trainer was like WHAT?!) I have been motivated to make the E-Book versions of the blog… Which not only is taking so much time, but OMG, reading the stories… WTF was I thinking!! I mean I know I had dated a lot but I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted with half of them… & some of the texts I sent… FUCK. Hahahaha. I have such clarity about myself now & I cringe at some of the things I said or did, however, I guess those key men Milky, Origin, Max & Noodle, shaped me to where I am today…
Anyway, I think if I wasn’t medicated for ADHD I would be fricken peaking right now! But I am calm, I have talked to my bosses about my concerns with the job & what I was told, obviously being careful as I have no savings & no one to pay my mortgage if they get rid of me in my probation, then I am royally fucked… I have been applying for jobs, but that isn’t going great – probably because I have a job of only two months on there! But I’m not even getting a phone screening call to explain why I am looking to move on so soon. I am calm about food, I mean I just don’t worry about it as much as I was a few months ago… I have honestly gone back to barely eating & I feel ok about it & my Dr is supportive at this stage but I have given up the ED recovery with the psychologist… I am calm as I am still seeing Marvel who logs off for weeks, but it doesn’t bother me. Nothing is phasing me really, I am just going along thinking ‘somehow everything will work out!’
Just some notes: Think before you say anything to someone who might be using prepackaged foods that you think are easy to make, because you have no idea what struggles they’ve dealt with to make that meal! Also telling someone they have lost weight, might seem positive, but you have no idea why or how they have lost weight. Are they sick? Do they have an eating disorder?
I was recently sent this website. If you or someone you know is going through an ED then have a look at the site… While I am not sure about my recovery, I have signed up to the newsletter which has been helpful. https://butterfly.org.au/
After giving up with the psychologist who I did find very helpful in the beginning until she made me go to a dietician, I found a psychologist on TikTok (of all places) from Melbourne, who talks about ED & ADHD as a combined diagnosis sort of thing. I love watching her little stories, I relate to them so much that I even bought her book (which I am yet to read), listened to her podcast & even had a free 30 minute zoom consult with her – which turned out to just be a sales pitch of her $3000 program. I want to do it, but right now I don’t have that $$. https://www.mindfoodsteph.com/
So I look forward to seeing how dating goes while I’m medicated for my ADHD & am interested in how my ED progresses now that I am medicated… However the only medical professional left in my team is my amazing GP… Will things be different or the same… As always stay tuned…
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 