Marvel #26

November 2024

I have a plan for our sex today, I’d talked about what I wanted to do, I wanted to frustrate him because he didn’t kiss me when he got into my car at his house last time, so I want to tease him & frustrate him & not kiss him. The last time I saw him, he just got in my car & started barking orders – as I knew he would – about where to park… he didn’t lean over & kiss me, he barely touched me in the car – even though later he tells me that he was hard, he did touch my leg a little. But today, he is in my door not more than 5 seconds & we are kissing, him pressing me hard against the wall, then he gives me shit about telling him I wouldn’t kiss him but I am kissing him back… Fuck you.

I take him to the bedroom & show him my sexy green lingerie that I can pop my tits out of & ask him if he likes it, which he does. I make him sit in the chair & I get out a vibe & tell him because I haven’t tied his hands like I was planning – as I was going to be wearing a dressing gown when he got here & I would’ve used the strap from that to tie his hands together, but I was running late so he was at my house before I was, so we ended up walking in the door together.

In the chair, he is naked & I tell him that he can’t touch his cock & I grab the vibe & climb onto the bed, on my knees & start playing with it, but I tell him that every time he touches his cock, I will stop playing with myself. I start gyrating on the bed with the vibe & he reaches for his cock & I pull away the vibe. (the vibe I have turns off when not on skin contact, so he knows it’s off) he puts his hands back on the chair & I start teasing myself again, I lean back & close my eyes, as I look back at him, he’s swiftly moving his hand off his cock & I ask him if he’s being naughty.

When he says yes, I get up & stand over him with the vibe against me & air fuck my vibe while standing over him which he reaches for my tits, but I can’t stop him because I want it. I want his hands on me & he knows it. I tease him like this until I can take it no more & lower myself on him, but the chair is squeaking so I tell him to get on the bed. I pick the vibe back up & start straddling him with the vibe & he says “not this again” I know he loves it, but he wants to be inside me. I slide down on top of him & he makes a noise like I haven’t heard him make before. I fuck him hard until I am cumming multiple times. Even though it feels like he is close, he doesn’t cum & it’s getting later in the day (I am later than I thought I would be, so we started later) & I am getting tired so I flop down next to him.

I am laying sort of on his chest, we don’t often hug after sex anymore – it’s too lovey dovey, I guess for him – he either doesn’t want to do it for himself or he doesn’t want to do it to give me the wrong idea. Either way he barely touches me when we aren’t having sex but he doesn’t always rush to get up either. I don’t mind, I think it’s good to keep a friendly relationship here but not too friendly. I usually lie close to him but today because of how our bodies fell after sex, I am cuddling him a bit, more on his chest than not. His arms are not on me, his legs are straight out, I am cuddling him but there is no reciprocation. This isn’t unusual if we do cuddle or I do lie on his chest, he doesn’t often put an arm around me or touch me. Not like the old days where our bodies were so intertwined after sex, you couldn’t tell whose limb was whose & he couldn’t stop rubbing my body & tickling my skin. Every now & then his hand will rest on my leg or whatever, but there is no real cuddling, but having said that there is not physical affection, maybe I am dreaming, but I do feel the desired affection that he holds back.

As we lay there, we chat, I am conscious of the time & thinking that I need to do some work but as much as I don’t want to get emotionally involved with this man again (even though I actually am) I am reminded that this is all the affection that I get from any man & that I will lap it up while I can. So as we lay there, I don’t even know how it comes up but I tell him about my dad’s heart attack this weekend– he genuinely asks if dad is ok, showing actual interest in that side of me, maybe he remembers that I am close with my dad & then Marvel tells me that he has a mass on his brain that is a tumour.

It hits me like a ton of fucking bricks – he has a brain tumour? FUCK. What does this mean? Will he die? Honestly, the selfish me, thinks more about me than it does about him. The more he talks, mostly repetitive chatter about how he’s not as well as he thought he was & that he’s lost vision, that his glasses made it worse & that he’s googled the tumour type & read some horror stories about surgeries that makes him worried that he won’t be him after the surgery. It’s a repetitive track of antidotes that he says a couple of times each.

I obviously have a million thoughts, of course I think about him leaving her to be with me because life is short – he’ll want to be with me, right? Will I want him if he’s dying? I also think that if he dies that no one will ever tell me, I may never know. One day I will just be messaging a dead man’s snapchat wondering if he died or just stopped talking to me. I ask if anyone knows about me, which he says they don’t, so I say that I may never know if he dies. For the first time in a long time, he wraps an arm around my shoulder & his legs over my legs saying not to stress that his tumour isn’t cancer, that he’s not going to die.

He says that he will probably have to have some sort of surgery, because he’s had vision loss for a while in one eye & there is a mass behind his eye – so not his brain? Still scary but he says that he’s read a lot of stories, mostly bad ones because I say no one posts the good stories, do they? But he says that some people have changed when they have had surgery, oddly he brings up autism – is that a thing? I mean he has undiagnosed something ,it could be autism, it could be ADHD but there is something there with him that’s for sure.

So what if he has surgery & he does change? Doesn’t recover properly? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Worse, what if he doesn’t remember me? Doesn’t know me or what we had anymore? I can’t even help but think – what if he does leave her & I finally get my public time with him & he fucking dies on me? Carrie Bradshaw who?! I ask again how I will know anything about what happens to him & he says he’ll tell me, but I remind him that he can’t message me once he’s dead. He squeezed me a bit tighter & said he’s not going to die & that I can read it in the paper when he dies. Um dude, no one reads the obituaries just to see if their married ex-boyfriend who is still their lover has died. So, I tell him that I’m glad he at least told me face to face – because can you imagine how much I would have catastrophised that if he told me via snapchat then logged off for days/weeks at a time. I would have spiralled & thought about him dying, thought about him having surgery & then having memory loss & forgetting me all together.

There are so many questions running through my head – all about me of course… Little miss self-involved.

Will I ever know if he dies?

Will she come find me? To tell me? To rub it in my face?

Why am I thinking at all that this is even about me?

#IBD4U