Marvel #30

February 2025 #2

When we start to talk about how sad this is & how much we both have tried to hold back, he says “All paths lead to us fucking no matter what….is what I think” which is 100% true, I’ve always know that we would find each other in the future, I don’t know when it would be our time to actually be together, but I always felt that we would be together as a proper couple. Maybe one day but right now this is working for us, so why is he trying to change the game? I have to be careful here because yes he is opening up – for whatever reason, maybe they’re unhappy, maybe it’s because he’s noticed I am happier, but I know what he is like, one comment from me & he’ll log off for a week again, so I just have to protect myself a little here, but stupidly I also want to be a bit vulnerable because if they are having marital problems & he is considering leaving, then I want him to know I am a fuckwit & stupidly available… What a fucking dumb bitch.

Then he hits me with it “Ohh the whole reason I am opening up communication via text again properly is so we can be decent friends. Because I save up this shit I want to tell you or talk to you about then I forget to tell you, and get distracted fucking you again or have to leave. But anyway I forgot to tell you on Monday. You left a giant long scab on my cock from panty carpert burn last time we fucked hahaha!” He wants to be friends? I ask how he explained a scab on his dick not really wanting to know how she even saw it because I only fucked him a few days ago & he says they never have sex, but clearly, she’s sucked his dick since then. He tells me that he told her that he cut himself at work through his pants with a box cutter… Bahaha, are you kidding? Why wouldn’t you say you cut yourself shaving or caught it in the zipper? How the fuck does he get away with cheating for the last 5 years?! That is so fucking dumb, like next level dumb… Where are the pants, where’s the hole? I genuinely can’t believe how dumb both of them are… As if he said that & as if she believed it & kept sucking his dick?! Jesus.

For some reason, I tell him that I have all the screenshots of our convos, I’ve wanted him to know just so he knows, but also because he can’t deny anything when I tell him things he’s said to me. He keeps making this so much weirder… “I’m going to try and make a more effort to chat to you more , won’t be daily or all the time … But if your want my opinion or help or support. Please reach out to me. I’ve been a dick long enough to you as it is. For various reasons , but I’m at the point we I have given up, somehow we are still friends , somehow we are still fucking , somehow you haven’t let our friendship go, even when I become a fat ugly fucker, or when I just treated you like shit and intentially ignored you to distance myself from you, waiting for move on , encouraging you to date and meet others. I’m still scared I’m going to get that message you will no longer fuck me. And when they day comes I still want our friendship there and not have it entirely built on sex only. Because that is my fear now, apart from our short conversation after sex which I save up anything I want to talk tto you about (then forget to 9 times out of 10) , I don’t want to lose you as friend for the non sexual stuff”. Errrr what the fuck? Is this about his brain tumour? What the fuck is going on here? Is there trouble in paradise with her & now he’s making sure I’m available? He denied it when we ended the first time but he was always scared of being alone but he’ll jump from her to me – not because he wants me, but because he won’t be alone. I just assumed this time around despite his feelings for me, he was always an asshole to me because he didn’t want to get attached & he didn’t give a fuck about the friendship, “You assumed wrong, sorry for being such a cunt to you” Um what the fuck… Is he ok?

He tells me how dumb I am for still talking to him after everything, I ask him if he really wants to know why & he says he knows why – he’ll just assume it’s because I love him, which is true but I kept my feelings aside & decided a while ago to just use him for sex, which is what he offers, nothing more, then he says “But I do want to make more of an effort. I do miss our chats. Chatting to you properly has made me realize this. You really want to tell me the real reason? Because I know it, there is only one reason a person sticks around this long and puts up with my bullshit, and leaves little sex crumbs of cookies all the time for me. And one that makes a person an idiot more than anything” he definitely thinks it’s about my feelings for him, which is obviously part of it. But what the fuck is he doing? As I am leaving the gym that night, he surprisingly says “Just a heads up I won’t be around much tomorrow, but I am committed to this and do plan improving things between us and improving communication to you“ Um, am I in an episode of the twilight zone?! What the actual fuck is going on here!

Despite saying he’s not going to be around much, he messages me a lot more than I expect & a lot more than some days he’s had full availability to talk to me. He says that I boggle his mind, but he is genuinely boggling mine… Is this some fucking dumb game he is playing? He has told me earlier “I’m a pretty Shifty and careful fucker, master manipulator and compulsive liar” These are all traits I know & I have been on the receiving end of his lack of empathy & manipulation a few times but what is his end game here? If I ask, he’ll say he’ll just missed me. But I’m sure there is some master plan here, I am just not privy to it.. I have told him it’s just sex for me, I made him just sex in my head for years but I do allude to the fact there is more there for me. That recently I felt a spark again. But I never say it. He logs off for the night & I expect that he won’t message for a few days or weeks, going back to the ‘regular schedule programming’ as he put it.

The next day, only 4 short days since I saw him (& has also fucked his wife in that time), he says “Just going to put it out there. Your a dumbass to still love me. And I know you doubt or question every thing from me. Whatever percentage left in your heart after everything, I think its fucking insane. But there is also always a place in my heart for you too somehow despite how much I’m try to resist you, push you away, keep my distance or even just treat you like total shit. And I have spent years trying to replace you, always drawn back online, trying to replace our banter, our friendship , our connection we have always had….our chemistry…. not even for an affair or for sex, simply for the bullshit, it never happens , I’ve met some cool people over time but it never last long, always heading back to things like the anonamys app and chat app trying to replace you. Turns out you’re un replacable , because I fucking tried pretty hard, even at the sake of you and not giving you my full attention or even a message when I could, again intentially to create distance and push you away. But that’s enough about that. I hope your sexy ass has a good day at work. Chat sometime soon “ FUCK!

I know he’s offline so I take some time to respond… I tell him that I had decided that since I had him for sex, any time I have looked for a relationship online, I didn’t want to sleep with them right away & add to my body count, turns out, if you don’t have sex on the first date – even if it is a walk on the beach, you generally never see them again! & that is, if you can even get them to meet you! He reckons that women don’t use men for sex, but they really do. I mean I am not getting anything else from this man right now – am I? I get his body once a month & that’s it. He doesn’t give me a stimulating conversation anymore, he doesn’t challenge my mind at all, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I can’t ask him things like I use too because he logs off for weeks at a time, he doesn’t spend much time with me, but I am not getting anything physical from any other person, that I would just keep him in my life. Decompartmentalising has been my friend for years. I am the queen of squashing my feelings and hiding anything real from him.

I tell him that our problem was never about him setting expectations about our sex, he always told me when he only had a short time, so I would know that it isn’t just – as he says ‘wham, bam thank you mam’ however it’s always been that he never set the expectations with our chat. He doesn’t say goodbye or goodnight, leaving me hanging for weeks, mid conversation. It was the number one thing that pissed me off both during the first affair & the sole reason why the second affair ended like it did. He starts out acting one way & then either feels guilty about me or her or whatever & so he pulls away. Whatever the fuck reason, he sets the scene then he pulls away. I have made peace with the radio silence now after 5 years, at first I hated it but it is what it is, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I also am painfully aware that he is now opening up this dialogue for whatever reason & any day now he could change his mind again so I have to stay guarded.

But yet somehow, Alice is pulled down the rabbit hole, our bitmojis on snapchat are wearing matching clothes & mine is way taller than his, that I joke with him about it, this leads to a conversation of me wearing his t-shirt, only his t-shirt & fucking over the kitchen bench, it’s the first time in years that we stay up well past midnight together jerking off… Sending pics & being downright dirty. But I am still none the wiser about what the fuck is going on!

#IBD4U