Marvel #31

March 2025

That night, crosses over into March & he tells me that he always had a mint & put on aftershave before he came over, thinking that I never noticed, but I always did. He also tells me that I smell good but I remember when he used to make me think he thought I smelt bad or something because after we’d fuck he’d ask how much perfume I was wearing. It wasn’t until I realised that it was because he could smell me on him & didn’t want to go home smelling like me. As I go to sleep that night, I am not sure what is happening with this man, in his life, really, is he happy? Is he thinking of leaving? Is he just genuinely missing my friendship, or with my catastrophising brain, is he dying? Whatever the reason, I have to protect myself a little here. He holds all the cards & always has. I can write to him anytime I like, but he has absolutely no fucking idea what it feels like for messages to go unread even for a few hours, let alone days, weeks & even months! I always reply so he has no idea, not fucking idea how it feels.

The next morning, very early, he has left me a trail of rambled messages telling me he scrolled our chat this morning & wants to fuck me. I think perhaps he’ll pull back a bit if I tell him something super lame that I have never told anyone. I tell him it’s lame & he’ll pay me out about it because he’d done it before when I told him about rope. He is so apologetic “If I have ever put down your interests it because its out of spite, or jealously or purely because I didn’t think I could live up to your interests Not to put you down or think you are lame cos sometimes I’m a fucking dickhead and do it out of self preservation or purely just to punish you due to my personal self esteem issues. I have never thought anything about you has been lame ever!!!” What the fuck do I say to that? Urgh my brain is going to explode, what is really happening here, I am so confused…

Anyway I tell him that I play Sims on my phone & I made one with his initials but a different name. I didn’t use his name because I didn’t want to see his name every fucking day when I play but I made it look like him & made it have a cat with the same name as one of his cats. If that isn’t the most losery thing ever, I don’t know what is. So this will surely scare him away & make him back off & stop being a weirdo. Is it a full moon???

He isn’t online today much either but he still messages more than I expect so when he replies later, he tells me that it’s kinda cute that I have a sim named after him, “I am sorry for poking fun at your interests and hobbies in the past due to my low self esteem or jealously. I know I was a total shit cunt to you about when you were doing the rope thing from memory, purposely put it down , and although it def is not something I would be into, I didn’t look at you any different or any less interesting Or lame, all I saw in my head was some dude being better at something on you than me, and for some really really fucking stupid reason I wanted to be the only one good at things on you, despite how unachievable that goal even fucking is haha, especially anything even remotely sexual with you So like a dickhead I punished you and was a dick. Why you even put up with me so long still boggles my mind” Well that backfired… FUCK.

Ok, that didn’t push him back into his non-commutative cave, so I try another tactic. As I type it out & hit send, I mentally prepare for radio silence for weeks, I prepare for even potentially not seeing him again – for a while or even ever – but I say it, as I’m typing, I think this is the end & it’s ok… “And if you want me to admit I love you. Then fine. I love you.” There I said it. I said it first this time. I said it first for the first time before he admitted it to me, I admitted it to him. Now I have said the actual words, I don’t want to look at his reply, I can only imagine that he is going to say ‘don’t get too close to me’ or some variation of that. So his reply is so hard for me to ignore, but all I want to do is not look at it… But like a true masochist, I am looking at it quicker than I want to admit “Na that is cute haha I didn’t want you to admit it haha. But fuck you You know I love you too But the L word is bad I didn’t want you to admit it, I tried to skip around for you lol” I stupidly let my guard down a little, but perhaps that will shift things back to how they were. That was working. I never asked for things to change & while I am not opposed to things changing, especially like this with him telling me how things are changing, I just know that at some point they will go back to how it was & it will piss me off & that’s when I will lose my shit. This is just dangerous territory. But maybe this is the jolt we need. We’ve tried this thing 3 times, for over 8 years.

#IBD4U