Marvel #32

March 2025 #2

Side note: Because of how weird things that become, I start writing again – as a journal, not as a blog. I didn’t even know if I would post this story line or not because I had no idea where it was going or what was even happening but because I don’t have the audience I once had when I still had control over the #IBD4U Facebook page… I write in real time as way to understand what is happening & this is the closest to real time that I have ever posted – that I remember, especially about Marvel. But moving forward the blog posts will start being dated, which will be the day/month I wrote it, sometimes coming back the next day or two to finish off, but the posts have been written almost immediately after it happened so there is probably more detail than you’re used too. I’ll try not to be too boring.

After I admit that I love him still & he admits that he loves me too, he says “I have missed you so much, missed our chats and missed are close friendship, missed us being super honest with each other , and have hated holding things back, waiting until to we meet up with for a chat , but that chat has always proved we are friends, if you were down you always told me after we had just fucked, and you also listened to me about random rumblings about me and page and whatever other random subjects came up during our after dinner mint sex talk” Is he dying? What the fuck is going on here?! I say that he must have some things to get of his chest but he says “Not sure I had anything to get off my chest…I just wanted to restart proper dialogue back up because I had been too stubborn for too long,” Um… What?

I won’t post the whole conversations as always, just some highlights but fuck if you did read it all, you’d be wigging out too, what the fuck is he doing? Why is he changing the dynamic now after 5 years of FWB – without the F part, really, monthly catch ups & sporadic messaging, he’ll maybe send one or two messages sometimes one word maybe two & I would work my hardest to make sure I kept the conversation going & now, in an instant he wants to restart a proper dialogue? WHHHHHYYYYY? What the fuck is happening here?!

“But despite being a dick in the past to you, the honesty you have had with me, and the honesty I have with you, sometimes fucking brutal honesty, your over sharing, the way you treat me when I do open up, and trust me I am hard nut to open up, especially when comes down to what makes me tick, I close that out to the world, including my friends I make at work often, my wife , or anyone I meet in life except my siblings basically. I fucking value that honesty so much. Hell it’s one of the reasons I fucking love you. And I hate using that word around you” Yeah this is fucking cazy, but we talk all day about things like his wife & Ozempic, about how good he thinks I look now, that I had put on weight but he can see dramatic improvements, though he was happy when I put on weight because it meant that I was eating.

It’s also around this time that he looks at every snapchat story I post. I’m not gonna lie but the last 3 years we’ve been using this platform, I post some stories with him in mind, wanting him to see them. But he’s not online enough to look at half the shit I posted & when he did come online, he wouldn’t always look at them. So he starts looking at them & replying to a lot of them too, usually they’re food related so he’ll just say something like yum or where’s mine etc.

He asks what I’m doing next Sunday, because he’ll fake a shift on the whiteboard & come see me instead. Ok honestly, what the fuck is going on here! He’s already planned 7-12 if I am free… 5 hours?! Fuck, he must be dying. He tells me that I should be dick meat & he changes my name to Vagina meat. I tell him that he’s actually in my snapchat now as his initials, something I start calling him  He does a ‘pop quiz’ asking me what his fav colour is, which I guess as Blue . I guess his fav food as Ribs & lasagne, I guess Pepsi Max as his fav soft drink but get the bourbon wrong, saying I don’t think he would drink it but Wild Turkey is his favourite. I get his fav bands right, but he tells me about Falling in Reverse, a new favourite band – which I fucking listen to right away & learn some songs that I like, I don’t get the movies right as it’s Men in Black, but I suggested Rocky being his love of wrestling, I guess Rick & Morty as his TV show but he says the Walking Dead would be his fav. His favourite ice-cream is Boysenberry & his favourite season is Winter. He says that I only got them right because I looked at the old screenshots – yeah mate, like I am just sitting here reading our old chats over & over again! How would I even find the exact messages that we talk about this stuff in the past?! & I don’t remember talking about this stuff with him anyway. Most of the stuff is on a hard drive not connected to my computer or phone, so I don’t even look at the old stuff semi regularly. I do however following this conversation, write a note in my phone so I don’t forget these important favourites!

The next day I get a morning rant, the first of many I get over the next few months where he wakes up & spills his guts around 4:30am when he gets up, he says that he was planning being bed early last night but I kept him up & he says “Oh yeah since losing weight I don’t need as much sleep” – Remember this for later!!! He says a lot of stuff during this rant, including sharing the Falling in Reverse songs – All my life & Popular Monster plus a Papa Roach song they covered. I’ll attach the YouTube videos & the lyrics for Popular Monster.

Popular Monster lyrics:

Yeah

I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I’m not sure if I should say this, fuck, I’ll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
I don’t know if it’s a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah

I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I’m going through a phase
Yeah, it’s not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?

Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit every day
And it’s probably ’cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular monster

I think I’m going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I’m in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?

Oh my God, I keep on stressing, every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won’t take
But my therapist will tell me that I’m going through a stage
Yeah, it’s not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay

Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things ’cause something is missing
And what if I were to lie? Tell you everything is fine
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave, I am terrified

I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m a popular, popular fucking monster

Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We’re sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a god that you don’t believe
We’re searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is
Oh, where the fuck is your god now?

‘Cause I’m about to break down, I’m searching for a way out
I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I’m not a popular, popular monster

I’m a liar, I’m a cheater, I’m a non-believer
I’m a popular, popular monster

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Ronnie Radke / Tyler Smyth / James Cody Quistad

Popular Monster lyrics © Ronnie Radke Music

I add the Popular Monster lyrics because while all three songs are very relevant to our situation & perhaps how he feels in his life, Popular Monster resonates with me the most – is he the rat trapped in the maze searching for a way out? Or am I just overthinking & he just likes the beat? Nah, one of the things we have in common is our love of music & the way lyrics speak to us… There is some deeper meaning here for him, maybe it’s why he’s being a weirdo! He even says at one point during this conversation “so I probally relate to some of the lyrics a bit more than a normal person.”

I ask him what songs he thinks of me with & I’m thinking a lovey type song but he says Butterfly by Crazy Town & Mouth by Merril Bainbridge, it’s because it reminds him of sex with me… I don’t mind that, but I will admit that I was hoping for more of a lovey song – the one I have for him is next level lovey.

There are other songs he won’t tell me “I’m pretty good at regulating my feelings….and err emotions, that includes everything especially my empathy…but there is something about music and lyrics that can just fuck with your brain, either help you realize it, magnify something or just simply help see things properly, and for me that is me at my most vulnerable” but I decide to share mine for him – a song that reminded me over & over again that I literally feel like was written for me to him… Never Not Love You by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Never Not Love You Lyrics:

You changed, you changed my life for good
I fell, but it felt more like flying
We did, did everything we could
But sometimes love loses to timing

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

You said goodbye to stop the pain
So why does it feel like we’re dying?
We said we’d always be the same
Who knew, who knew that we were lying

If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not need you
I’ll never not want you
I’ll never not die inside each time
I hear your name

I’ll never not miss you
If I can’t be with you
Even if my last memory was you walking away
I’ll never not love you

I’ll never not love you
If it’s over and we’re going our separate ways
If it’s over and I’m wiping the tears from your face
Maybe even if I don’t ever see you again

I’ll never not love you
I’ll never not love you
It was the end but my love, what a beautiful lie

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jared Leto / Ammar Malik / Jordan Johnson / Stefan Johnson / Marcus Durand Lomax / Michael Pollack / German I

Never Not Love You lyrics © Bmg Platinum Songs Us, Songs With A Pure Tone, R8d Music, Songs Of Bbmg, What Key Do You Want It In Music, Black River Streams

When he listens he says “I haven’t heard that one before but man, that is deep… #IBD4U you are meant to have a heart of stone….” Yeah I was supposed to have a heart of stone, I always did but he broke down that wall & he’s breaking it down more than I want to allow but I can’t help how caught up in this I am getting already… I tell him it’s old from 2023 which he says isn’t that long ago. He says “Fuck you shit me off. I treat you like shit for ages, give you a tiny tiny sliver of friendship and some decent sex , broke your heart way too many times. Even in 2023. And you still love me to some extent like a fucking knob. And probably the worse thing is. You see straight through me. And know my feelings for you never went away. Making me a bigger knob. So fuck you 😛.Where is my heart of stone cold bitch that uses me for sex?” I reply “Breaking someone’s heart doesn’t mean it breaks the love…” If only I knew how to break the love…

He says “Oh you know the worse thing? Somehow we still fucking got it?  Somehow we can still flirt freely , have fucking banter , tell other anything, from pointless meaningless shit to meaningless shit. Ans just resume a chat that has not happened in years like nothing has happened. And it all just works? Wtf” I agree Marvel, I agree… How have I let you just back into my DM’s so easily, when I know this is short term. He tells me I am addicted to him again & fuck you Marvel, but it’s so easy to chat to him, how the fuck is Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U