Marvel #33

March 2025 #3

Something weird worth noting, as you all know my Facebook was hacked over a year ago & Facebook deleted it, removing my access to the blog page & my little hobby business page. So traffic to my blog is very minimal, I write randomly & have posted some things but it’s really just for me at this point. To continue my story, hoping that one day I will find my happy middle (I’ve said before, I don’t want a happy ending, I want the middle.) But I start getting emails, that I wish I screenshotted saying ‘#IBD4U, your stats are booming!‘. Now let me preface this by saying, I can get these emails after posting, even though I don’t have my Facebook audience, but at this time in early March 2025, I am not posting. In fact, at this time, the last post was 23 June 2024. So while the last few days since I saw Marvel & him messaging all day long, from 4:30am to 10:30 -11:00pm, having a break for when his wife is home, is just weird, that I have had many theories as to why he’s doing this, is he dying? Is their marriage on the rocks? Does he have to have surgery & just wants to make sure I know how he feels in case something happens? Or did he listen to the new Papa Roach song that just released in Feb & decided it was time. But the most farfetched & my most feared reason is that he’s found my blog.

Here’s the Papa Roach song – Even if it kills me

Even If It Kills Me lyrics:

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away (oh)

Is this a warning? Is this a sign?
Should I keep my mouth shut, let you live a lie?
‘Cause every day, it’s a dog fight
I can see it pilin’ up like a mile high

‘Cause I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

Is this the moment? Is this the time?
Are you gonna wake up, gonna realize
Your world is burning? A thousand signs
But you’re choking on the smoke from the other side

And I hope that you know when you’re broken, I’m broken too
(Oh) If you need me, I’ll bleed for you

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me

Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
Running from the past, running from the pain
You can’t run it back if you can’t get away
(Warning)

I won’t run, I won’t hide
Standing in the fire, I’m alive
I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leaving you behind

Even if it kills me inside
Even if you burn me alive
I’d carry that pain that you don’t need
I’d carry that weight that you don’t see

Even if it kills me this time
Even if I’m buried alive
I’d give my last breath so you could breathe
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me
Even if it kills me

I won’t run, I won’t hide
I’m not leavin’ you behind

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Andrew Goldstein / Tobin Esperance / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk

Even If It Kills Me lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Frndzone Music, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

When I ask a few days later if he’s listened to it & say how much I relate to it, he says that he watches the lyric video & asks “Do you relate to it because no matter how much it kills you, you put up with everything from or our an entire situation” –  well that isn’t the reason then, cross that off my list… So it’s either dying or he’s found my blog because he would’ve said if they broke up or were breaking up by now.

I obviously can’t see who is reading the blog, only numbers of visitors, but I can see that there has been several readers at different times & from different countries – could it be him? I think it is him because he is being weird & freaking me out while my stats are booming… But contradictory to that, I am also convinced that it can’t be my blog because fuck if he’s found it & read it, he is going to fucking hate me! There is stuff in there he obviously doesn’t know, there is stuff in there when I was feeling shit that I wrote but probably didn’t really mean. In all honestly, I paint him in a pretty good light throughout all three affairs, however, if it was me reading fucking intimate details about my sex life online that I never knew about, I would be so angry… So if he found it, he’ll hate me surely, so it can’t be that…

6 days into this weird dynamic with Marvel, I tell my sister that he just told me he loved me & to get ready for a downward spiral, she tells me to be careful & hopes that he isn’t using me – just as I do too, but I tell her then that I think he’s found my blog. How would he have found it? I have no idea, it’s not active, so activity couldn’t have been the reason. I mean, I have thought over the years that he had found it or he already knew about it, but he never said anything.

Anyway, we are always honest, so this level of honesty I am getting now makes me suspicious of what is going through his brain… “Sometimes I would think of you and not message you. I intentionally wanted to create distance, not make you think about me , fucking make you not as love me much, avoid me in your life so you can date and shit. And not worry about me , making me happy , and if you were to stop everything, in my mind it would of been easier if we were shit friends. And just assumed you would literally fuck me for 6 months before I was given the the message , Hey Marvel , I’ve meet someone. To make it easier for me when it did happen. Which oddly. Has not yet. But I’ll admit, I was a shit friend and gave you very little of my time. And never messaged you enough. Especially for someone that gives me anything I want sexually” So he’s no longer going to be a dick to me?! I mean let’s be honest, this era of being open is not going to last long, he will pull back just as I get invested & let my guard down, just you wait & see. It’s always on his terms, when I get used to how things are, that’s then he pulls back, I get angry & he pulls back even more. It’s the way it’s been always. He did it just before his daughter was born & he did it before he got married, blaming me for waiting too much of him. No mate, I just wanted what you were giving me in the start… I wonder how long this new found ‘missing me’ will last?! I give it three weeks, MAX! What do you think? & even if it does go longer than three weeks, Marvel will think it was only three weeks anyway, as he always plays down how long our affairs were when they end.

He tells me that he always listened even if I felt like he didn’t & he supported me when I lost my job last year “And was secretly proud you took on your property agent, challenged them, started learning the shit so you could do it yourself. You are peobally surprised how much venting you squeezed into those 15 to 30 minutes after sex talk. I’m sure I didn’t hear every tiny detail. But again I saw how much stress it caused you” I don’t know if I told you this but  my property manager had ripped me off so much Monday by getting tradies to go out for a loose cupboard door, that I ended up taking them to court. We settled out of court & I didn’t get as much as I thought I should have gotten & I didn’t get an explanation. I never realised that Marvel was paying attention to that.

We chat so much that it’s hard to summarise days of all day chats, I read things & I can’t believe this guy is finally revealing this stuff to me. “Part of the reason I avoided talking to you was not only self preservation for me, but it was for you to live you life without judgement from me , to date without my influence or even hook up, explore your sexuality more. And let’s be honest , I always put you down the second I got jealous, or punished you by either being a complete cunt to you, or even just ignoring you knowing it would piss you off if you did share something that made me jealous, or inferior for you. It was never that you were not worthy of time , or that I didn’t think of you . I thought I was doing the right thing for me, and it was the best thing for you due to our situation. But at what point do I give up? And what point do I stop fighting it ? I’m not sure how honest you are about fucking other men , or dating people” At least that he admits to being an ass to me about my hobbies or whatever.

“So that means I still meant something to you and still do. And it also means you meant something to me and still do. And it boils down to you being one of my best friends ever. And there is no point fighting it anymore on my side. Nor do I want to risk losing that from you anymore , and I justified it by thinking , if I’m not your friend , close friend, it will help you date others and move on , even fall in love with someone else” He isn’t going to fight it anymore, this scares me more than anything. I say, “The only thing that scares me now… Is you pulling away again… I know what I am in for. I’ve known for years. I’ve never asked for more. I’ve never expected more… So just accept the fact you can’t get rid of me…” But he says “I don’t plan on getting rid of you , I’ve kept you this long? Somehow you convince me to fuck you.” He’s deluded if he thinks I am convincing him, he could log off & go offline & forget me.  But there’s a reason why he doesn’t let me go “Haha you know I don’t have sex with my wife the same way I do with you. Not even close. Not even on the same level playing field. She doesn’t get anywhere near anything you get” I really don’t want to think about that, because if you met your sexual match, why would you want to marry another person?! Alice falling down the rabbit hole, for the fourth time!

#IBD4U