Marvel #34

March 2025 #4

Around this time, we start a snap streak, I don’t think it’ll last long & won’t be long before he logs off for days anyway, but I get sucked in so easily. What a fucking wanker! We start sending boring shit like our food – one of our main topics which has always been the case. We send pictures everyday more & more, it’s not just sexy pics, it’s all sorts of crap. Plus he’s also looking at every story I post too, usually replying to them.

When he offers up lunch at my work, this is new. He’s coming to my work for lunch… I just assume that we’ll go fuck in the car, but he says that he just wants lunch, no sex… UM, what?! No sex? I don’t know how that will go, I guess we will see if that happens, but then he asks me a weird question “Why are you so scared of me pulling away again?” Of course I say because he’s done it before & that it is always a real possibility, but he says “Ive only ever officially pulled away from you once. Due to circumstances. And never done it again. What makes you think I would ever do it again ?” Can I relax & believe him that this is true?

He asks me ”How much did you miss this?” & I honestly answer, “There’s not even a way to quantify how much I missed you…“ I don’t want to admit this to him, but I figure that it’s now or never, I don’t ever hold back in other parts of my life, why do I always hold back in my love life & especially with him? Maybe things would be the same, maybe it will make things different, but do you know what, nothing will change if I keep holding back… “You should of said something dipshit. I’m not that cold hearted” How could I have told him? He said so many times not to get attached, that I couldn’t ever say anything to him about my feelings for fear of being shut down. I don’t agree with him at all that he would have opened up this dialogue if I had of initiated it, he would have shut it down, I’m a certain of that but he says that he wanted this too… I believe he wanted it but I think if I have of said something, he 100% would have backed off.

He also asks what my plan was if I met someone, what I would say to him. “But my plan was… I didn’t have a plan tbh… But I knew I would keep fucking you until we had the exclusive chat for sure… Cos why end it with you until I know he is not fucking other people right… But I don’t know… I guess it would’ve depended in the level of feelings I got for them…” I mean I don’t know what I would have done, I never even got close enough to someone anyway so I never thought about it. The things he thinks about, puzzle me “Haha I always wondered if you would cheat for me, I highly doubt you would, but would entertain the idea of it , and if you hadn’t cut me completely, tease me with the idea of it. And just avoid actually meeting up.” I always thought if I told him I was seeing someone – even just for a date he would cut me but he says “I would of left that to you haha. I would never cut you ….I’ve tried … But at this point, or even in the last few years. I would of left it entirely to you to make that decision”

To my surprise, he does come down to my work & meets me. Because this is a first non sexless – dare I say it – date?! He’s walking around the shopping centre near my work when I find him, I am shaking as I walk up to him & giving him a light peck right away. I don’t know if we should hold hands as we walk to Hungry Jacks but we don’t, he does lightly put his hand on my back a few times & pulls me close but we separate quickly. We both order separately, I don’t know if I should wait for him to pay but I just buy my own lunch, but I’m so nervous, I buy a fucking burger without cheese. So odd how fucking turned on I am without even really touching him. We hugged a little & kiss while waiting for the food, but given the conversations & the break down of the walls, it felt like we held back, if I’m honest. I am still not sure if this is real! What the fuck is going on here, we’re now doing sexless dates?

We eat looking at each other in the eyes, something both of us admit that we never do with other people, & we touch each others legs or arms briefly. While I have butterflies with him, I feel more at ease that I ever have on a date, it feels like this is something we do all the time, it feels so natural. We walk back to my work, holding hands, to his car where he pushed me up against it & kisses me so hard that I can feel his cock against me. We kiss & chat, turning each other on. While standing in broad daylight near a major main road, he slips his finger inside me, I want it there so badly, but I want it to do more than just slide in me. He takes his finger & sucks my juices off of it… I cannot fucking stand. Jesus!!! Then he moves me so I am facing work, he pats me on the ass & says “get back to work”, he chuckles & he moves us so I have to start walking & he gets in his car… You fucking Prick! I never agreed to a sexless sate with crazy tension like this, especially since I have no idea when we are going to see each other again.

Later that day he says that he’ll tell me a song – I’m excited to finaly get a song from him because he made such a big deal about lyrics hitting hard & all that bullshit. I gave him an amazing song where the lyrics really hit for me, but when he tells me that My Medication by Papa Roach is the song – um what dude, I knew that one. I mean I can’t remember him specifically telling me that one but I feel jipped because that was an obvious one. I don’t think I’ve ever shared it before, I can’t find it on the blog, so maybe he didn’t tell me this was a song for me, but I figured this one because it was also a song I felt relevant for me, I’ve always said he’s like a drug that I can’t escape.

My Medication – Papa Roach

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Have you ever had enough of it
Straight over it, sick of it, can’t get ahold of it
Like a drug I need another fix
I’m a moth to a flame and I’ll burn for the hell of it
Battle scar ’cause I lost the fight
Every time I take a breath it’s like I’m losing my life
Fuck it, why am I so dysfunctional?
So irrational?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

Are you living with the enemy?
Are you affected by the devils that are tryna be a friend of me?
I’m in a place that I don’t wanna be
But if I find a way to turn it all around would you follow me?
I’m alive but I lost the fight
It’s like the better half of me is on the edge of the knife
Cut it
Why am I so emotional?
Uncontrollable?
I don’t know what to do

So I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me intoxicated
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication

I push you away until you beg me to stay
Just for the thrill of the chase, you got me
Fucked in the head from all the things that we did
But I will never forget I need you, my medication
My medication

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

My Medication lyrics © So Many Names Music, Meat Locker Publishing, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Kobalt Music Services America Ii Inc Kmsa Ii, Meat Locker 2017 Publishing

All night I complain about how wet I was at lunch, just from sitting opposite him & how he stuck his finger in, licked in &  just patted me on the ass sending me on my way & he cums when he gets home but he tells me I can’t cum till Sunday when he’s planned to fake a shift & come over. The next morning, I stick my fingers inside me & send him a picture of how wet it is, that he calls me for a chat on the phone. It’s the first time we’ve had a phone call with each other, that we both say how much sexier our voices are over the phone than we thought they would be. Why had we never spoken on the phone before?!

Because we talk about the Papa Roach concert he says that I should have told him about it, even though our communication hadn’t been great over the last few years he was a little pissed that I didn’t tell him that I went because he said that it could have been something likely that he would have been at & he felt like that was important. First, if I had of told him, it would have 90% just sat at unread until he decided to come back online & so I would’ve felt like a fool for saying anything, but second it’s a big event  so chances of seeing him were slim – even though I did put in effort on my looks that night. I tell him that I was in the mosh pit & in the circle of death & he says “My wife has no sense of adventure and wouldn’t go near the mosh pit so we probably wouldn’t of crossed paths anyway” so why does he care? He says that he’s smug that I went to see a band that he loves, I mean I always knew who they were before him, everyone knows Last Resort from 1999, I knew a few songs since then but not like I do – yes I admit – because of him. I eventually say that I didn’t tell him about the concert because I was also afraid that he would cut me out of his life, he replies “I never planned on cutting you out and not sure anything would tip me over. I was waiting for you to cut me out?” I just say that he would blame me for his wife finding out or seeing me, he’ll deny this but I know for a fact he’ll blame be for anything that happens that involves her finding out, but he says something I agree with that I know he should say but I am not at all convinced he will actually do “I’m a dick sometimes , I know it, my anger blames you, but I’m man enough to admit I’m in the wrong, I’m the cheater, I make the final decision if I fuck you and to be honest I should never blame you. Why would I have a reason to cut you out ? I’m not the single one on the dating scene? I’m not the one that needs tto end to pursue the possibility of someone else giving you something you can’t have (and let’s be honest probally would fuckin die for). You had more reason to cut me out than I had to cut you out. I even purposely pushed you away to give you a reason , to make it easier when you needed too, to cut me out. And I may of ignored your messages, intentionally not make time for you , but at the end of the day, you always got a message once a week or two at Max, and I had to message you to get a reply. So even putting no effort it, I was still putting some effort to keep you in my life.”

Then I get a message that is a little Marvel rant – something unprecedented in this affair, but stuff I lap up like a puppy drinking milk, “OK storytime. I never told you I don’t think, I fell hard for you very quickly. I had feelings for you before we met. I stupidly fell in love, and although I had developed friendships online via the chat app and anonymous app, I had never wanted to risk seeing someone in real life, even the risk of being seen eating lunch with them, let alone going to their house and fucking them. I fell for you hard core within the first month. Nor had I developed feelings, well not in the same way I did for you. We had that stupid agreement, and our stupid sexual banter and your sexy online personality . You became my best friend without meeting me, and without even knowing, and I never told you early on. I didn’t want to look like a complete loser to you haha! And it was made even worse when it did translate to real life. Because everyone has an online personality , everyone is usually themselves , but with the volume slightly turned up, has a little more confidence, and their is less anxiety in text or online. I’m sure some people fake it. But I’m an honest personal , brutally fucking honest sometimes. Our first meeting despite both us being nervous was pretty easy going. Our first time fucking was pretty fuckin epic and very little umm what’s the word. Awkwardness.” I knew he had feelings early on but I didn’t realise it was before we met, I knew I liked him but I never let myself believe that we would be anything as he was in a relationship, when he ass “I had feelings for you before we met…before you did anything my wife doesn’t do.” He does talk about how he almost blocked me the day he first took the day off to be with me & Original & I had a weed muffin, I never fucked Origin that night, but the next day Marvel spent the day & I was so sleepy, but you know what, he felt like a fool once. ONCE, in the whole time we’ve been together & I felt like a fool over & over again – almost daily when he logs off & leaves me on read, so you know what, too bad mate, you made me feel like I didn’t matter over & over so if I made you feel like that once, then so be it. I can live with that!

Finally I get a song from Marvel, songs are our thing, lyrics hit home for both of us, so I know that songs will tell me what he can’t say to my face. He says to “And I feel weird about it , but itt always reminded me of you especially when I missed you and things kinda fell apart. And it’s not a love song, and it’s a papa roach song lol. And it’s more the metaphor than anything” He says that it’s Feel like home which came out in early 2019, the year we started affair two & the year he got married & a song I know I always wondered when I listed to it if he thought about the fact that the house he’s in doesn’t feel like home. He says “And it’s not like I think your house is mine. Or anything like that. It’s more I felt like “home” when every time I was with you. Metaphorically speaking. And I hated that feeling when it didn’t feel like that. Anymore. So every time I heard that song, especially when it came out. I fucking thought of you. If that makes any sense to you. Kinda hard to explain”  I get it more than I can explain to him…

Here it is for you to listen too & the lyrics as always to read – make sure you read them if you don’t listen because they are always very relevant.

Feel like Home – Papa Roach

It’s been a while since we crossed paths
I thought I saw you in an hourglass
I’m not sure where the time has gone
But I know it’s been too long
We used to say we’d never change
Now we’re trying not to show our age
I know you said you needed space
So you moved all the furniture around this place

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

It’s getting dark at sunset park
I see the marks on your broken heart
I’m trying not to let it get to me
But it’s hard with all our history
Leaving town while the city sleeps
You know, I always had bigger dreams
I keep looking in the rearview mirror
Even though I wasn’t happy here

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

And now I’m running to you, trying to find myself
But I don’t even know where to start
I guess that time has a way of keeping nothing the same
‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home
Oh, I hate this feeling
You don’t feel like home

Feel like home

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Jerry Horton / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Colin Cunningham / Anthony Esperance

Feel Like Home lyrics © So Many Names Music, Beartrackspublishing, Songs Of Reach Music, Red Beard Black Ink Publishing, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

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