Marvel #36

March 2025 #6

10 March 2025 – It’s Monday of the March long weekend, he tells me that he won’t be around much today for obvious reasons, but chats to me way more than I expect him too, especially him talking about why we haven’t talked a lot in the past 5 years – just so you know this is a seemingly dialogue heavy post! He says “Because this would happen. We both knew this would happen. Neither of us are fucking stupid. We became online best friends… And that is a train wreck just waiting to happen That means feeling develop…a strong connection will develop” Well he’s right about that. But I honestly, just assumed he didn’t give a shit & was just sex to him, so that’s why he didn’t message… I never dreamed he was holding back so much, I just assumed he went about his days & weeks after fucking me without a thought of me… I wish I asked him at the time why he is doing this if he thinks it’s a train wreck, but I didn’t even think of it… He says “I thought about you all the time , I mean not messaging you all the time helped push me you to the back of my mind.” I dare him to put his phone down then, & his reply makes me smile like a wanker “No. I missed this so much”. FUCK! Then he says“I’ve told you every fuckin time we stopped I missed it.” DOUBLE FUCK. However, he’s always the one who puts the barriers up that made me walk the second time, its never been me!

As we’re talking about the fact we always fucked monthly, he says he didn’t notice, but contradicts himself by saying that if it got to the end of the month & we hadn’t fucked, I became more tempting & worked harder to get him to fuck me. Which is true, I won’t deny that! Our relationship was based on sex “It did technically come down to sex….I mean I loved you , will always love you, and will never forget about you. And haven’t been madly in love with you for the last few years. But I knew if I chatted to you… So I held back. So tbh if you didn’t fuck me.. I would of messaged you every 6 months… And eventually stopped  It would of slowed down… So your monthly sex achieved your goal  It kept me engaged with you on a fortnightly basis as a minimum. I never planned on cutting you off completely … But I did plan on weening myself off you. Where it would just get to the point where I would just check in on you every 3 months or 6 months.” Would he really still check in every 3-6 months? He didn’t the first time, cut me off without a trace, second time he said he’ll chat when he can & I never heard from him again until I saw he was online again & I reached out… So would he really contact me again? I highly doubt it? That part has always been on me!

This little rant comes out of the blue, while I am at the gym, it’s not in relation to anything we’ve talked about this morning so it makes me smile knowing this is something he was thinking about “So I’m going to give you a morning rant while you at the gym and can’t reply . Cos I’m a dick like that. And I won’t be around much today. But the reason I struggle to believe you about my body image, or myself. Is because I know you love me…. I know you see past my flaws…I know I’m not perfect, despite my big ego I don’t see myself as a 10/10, I’m like a 7 in my head, above average…but know I’m not ugly… But have major body image issues , especially the size of my dick, the size of my gut (which my head probably magnifies by x10) and my tiny unbuff arms. I know I’ve got other things going for me, I’m 6″1 with broad shoulders and a full head of hair in my 40s 🤷‍♂️. And I know I go on a bit of an ego trip sometimes… But I also know you are going to look past my flaws. And I’m going to be attractive to you know matter what. And that’s when the little voice inside my head puts myself down, I know you mean what you say. But I just think you won’t past my flaws…so then I subconsly high light my flaws to you and to myself …and always ….always think you deserve better than me, someone that doesn’t have my flaws… I know I don’t have a small cock…., but I don’t have a big one… I know I don’t have big arms, or a 6pack , and I even know that’s not even important to women , women will fuck anything they have a connection with. But in my head I think you deserve all of that. So I put myself down in my head. Then stupidly to you. I guess I do it to try and justify my decisions of the past too. So yeah. I’m an idiot. Because when someone like cowboys mistess told me I’m attractive…I believed her, and trust me, she told me alot …. But I believed her knowing she’s not in love with me vs you, the actual person I was fucking, and in love with. Well now you know why? I see past your flaws for the same reason 🤷‍♂️” WOW! Again, finally. I’ve been saying this for years about his looks & dick, I love him, am going out of my way risking a lot to cheat with him, he thinks I can have anyone I want yet he believes a women he’s never met & his wife, who, by his own admission never complimented him until she found out about me – assuming that lasted about 5 minutes, but he never believed me, the one person who never lied to him about how he looked to me or how me made me feel.

But unfortunately, Marvel being Marvel, starts going on about Cowboy’s mistress & I’m reminded to keep a wall up “Well cowboys mistress became a good friend , and if she lived closer…I’m not going to deny it, I would of fucked her in a heart beat , especially at any time we were not exclusive. And she was 100% jealous we fucked , she definitely said things in public to piss you off on purpose hahaha” Right then… Why did she even know he was fucking me?? He lost his shit at me for people knowing about him… Why is she trying to piss me off? I don’t even know her!! & the big question we all know the answer too, why didn’t he ask her to stop to protect me rather than just making me feel like a fool watching them flirt live in a public chat, while he’s not even messaging me privately??

“Oh I’m so good at making you feel special hey! 😛 But I would of , she was attractive, gott my sense of humour and always made me feel attractive, and we were both brutally honest with each other” I write back “Wow, you also said I’m the only one who got you & your sense on humour… Now she was also the perfect woman to cheat with… I was just the most geographically convenient one…” I then have to put down my phone for a bit, he doesn’t realise how much his words sting & fuck me off… I know I fucked other men when I was with him, but he’s had a partner that he married the whole time he’s been with me, he told me multiple times he wasn’t looking to cheat, loves his wife & now he’s admitting if this woman lived closer, he would’ve fucked her while fucking me & his wife. Get fucked asshole… Anyone else getting Max vibes, two women are not enough!!! I realise that eveything Marvel said during affair two was just fucking bullshit. I am shattered. My phone buzzes consistently for a while & it takes all of my energy not to pick it up & read them instantly.

“Haha na you get me or soooo many more levels… There have been others geographical convenient for me… I never fucked them 🤷‍♂️ Your not the only person who has lived closed and put the offer out there 🤷‍♂️ You were single and you did fuck people , I don’t hold it against you  You can do whatever the fuck you want. Fuck me #IBD4U. I fell in love with you. I never fell in love with one anyone else. I would think about you all day. You were in My fuckin thoughts no matter what. So do what you want. Pick apart what I tell you while I’m being honest with you. I’ve got nothing to hide. Try and make yourself feel less special , be a retard and do what I do. What fuck head drives 40 minutes to see a woman for lunch ? This dumbass… But keep picking my story apart. Whatever. Not even reading my messages now haha.” Theres the Marvel I know, the one who has to get angrier than me when I am angry – if fact I’m not even angry, I am hurt, so fucking hurt & need a moment! I’m not picking apart his story, it’s fucking facts. When he was becoming such good friends with her, I was spilling my guts out to him about how much I loved him, thinking that if I’d have told him more during affair one that things would have been different in affair two, but in fact all the while he was forming friendships with other people, that he prefered to come back online at night for, would have fucked them if they lived closer & no doubt, would have ended up falling in love with them too… So how am I special?!

Fuck sake, I give up on this conversation because there no winning with Marvel, he is right & I am wrong. As always… I fucked men while with him so I’m that means he can rub it in my face that he wanted to fuck others (contradictory to what he’s told me before). I never fucking rubbed my sex life on purpose in his face, except for the posts on fetlife, which I was even sure he’d see.

Anyway, it’s the middle of the afternoon, he is playing a game with his daughter, who he sends a snap of to me, something similar to the game guess who but looks different… So he’s at home, she’s at home – during the day on a public holiday, he’s playing with his kid & can message me – just remember that! However, I fucking love that he is sharing more about his kids & showing me what a fucking cute dad he is. He’s holding some toy she just gave him to hold as his game buddy. It’s so fucking cute & makes me fall a little more in love with him – but the previous conversation made me fall a little bit out of love with him, so it’s now evened out. Hahaha

I tell him that at the end of March – I’m not sure why I offer it up so far in advance being it’s the start of March still, it’s still like 2 weeks away that I am having gum surgery & having 3 days off work that I’ll be free for 2 of them recovering. He says his roster isn’t done but he’ll see if he can see me for a few hours. He says that he’ll put it in the roster book to have the day off, which surprises me… I mean I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here! It’s been exactly 2 weeks of this daily chatting, all day – everyday… Even on days when he says he can’t chat much & is home with the whole family…. Let’s actually see if he even sees me for a couple of hours or not…

One thing that has always been weird is the fact I’ve kept everything, every screenshot I took – which isn’t every thing from the beginning, but there is a lot of pictures, screenshots & info about the dates & times we fucked. Mainly because Marvel always told me his wife would kill me so I was prepared, but then my blog became more of a journal that when we started up the third time, I saved every single thing, for my blog, however I barely wrote about 2024. He talks about having deleted everything, FetLife when he got pissed at me, but I only posted on there cos he was telling me daily about his kinky wild sex with his partner after she found out about me. He’d deleted the emails from the random yahoo account. It makes me super sad he has nothing, when we reconnected for the second affair, he mentioned that he’d recently read the emails we sent at the end of affair one, before we started chatting again, which made me realise that he wasn’t done with me. But he says “So I’ve got nothing. From our past. Makes me a little sad.” He says it’s nice that I still have the stuff – albeit it does scare him but he says also that I’ve never done anything with it so he trusts me.

I remind him that I gave him a Samsung watch that I clearly could’ve sold that came free with a phone but I just gave it to him. I tell him it was a obvious I love you gesture, which he agrees “Why was I such a dick to you for so long.” Yeah who the fuck knows Marvel… Who knows!! I say he didn’t deserve it, that I never got a gift from him & he says “You probally deserve something tbh” Oh yeah right, as if this guy will ever buy a fucking gift for me… & it’s not like I went out specifically to get it for him, something thoughtful & meaningful, no, I just gave him something that was surplus to my needs, however I probably should have sold it.

So after telling me at 7:00am that he wouldn’t be around much today, I was able to copy & paste 27 A4 pages of messages from him, which weren’t just messages before 10:00am & after 9:00pm when she would be asleep, there were messages all throughout the day… How is he messaging me without getting caught? Before he goes for the night, he says that he’s going to come visit me at work on Wednesday for lunch again… Errr ok… I want him too of course, but this job is so difficult, not because of my boss but because of the team, they seem to track each other more than anything, making sure no one takes a minute more than they are allowed… I will figure something out in my diary or work an extra 30 mins to make up the time I am with him.

This is also about the time I start using his initials as my good night, I say sorry for being a dick today (not sure why, looking back he fucking deserved eveything I gave him & more!) & I say ‘Night ABC xxx’ & he says ‘errr night IBD4U,’ using my real initials too. A little term of endearment, that’s not too lovely dovey but not just his name, something no one else calls him, something special for him, without being obvious. I mean I still don’t know what is going on here, so I need to keep my heart to myself a little, he could go back to chatting once a fortnight like he was before at the drop of a hat, I may never know what the fuck is going on here & it could change just as quickly as it did to begin with…

#IBD4U