Phoenix #2

March 2025 – Do you hate me?

15 March 2025 – No matter what I say now, he’s read what he’s read & he’s drawn his own conclusions that he is not special sexually to me. I was never special sexually to him, he had a wife the whole time, who went all kinky for him when she found out about me. He did my number one fantasy with her, no thought of how I would feel when he told me about it in great detail, so the fact he’s annoyed at me for having a sex life that I didn’t rub in his face, is just fucking stupid, which is what I tell him, “If that’s how you read it, then you’re a fucking dick head…” I knew he would hate me, but I figured that he would just stop talking to me when he’d read it. “Haha how else did you think I would read it? You think I wouldn’t go all ‘Phoenix’ on you. Who gives a fuck. You now have me back in your life and I’m going to try harder with you and trying to be a bit nicer and not as much of cunt. And clearly I haven’t held it against you too much. At the end of the day, I knew who I was fucking and knew you were not some in experienced Virgin.🤷‍♂️ I’m going offline for a bit but will try and chat later x. I’m not being a dick or fighting with you btw.” Of course he has to go offline, right when we are getting into a heated discussion. Fuck you!

When he finally comes back he doesn’t get why I think he’d hate me, because he says it doesn’t identify him, it doesn’t paint him in a bad light & most of it is good. He says he wouldn’t recommend me showing him, but he doesn’t hate it or me, it just made him miss what we had. He says that pretty much anything bad in the blog I say about him I had told him to his face or via text anyway… At least it explains all the screenshots that I take! Hahaha.

The next morning, I get my little Phoenix rant, which always makes me smile from ear to ear, “I regret telling you I found it now…. I didn’t think you would go all weird on me and freak out and not even be able to talk to me … I debated back and forth if I should tell you , but decided to tell you so you didn’t think I was fucking dying , and just explain why I would randomly say stupid things purposely to gauge a reaction such as telling you I’d fuck cowboys mistress just to piss you off because I had read something that made me jealous. There is alot of detail about your sexual history there, and I definitely should have not read it, as you basically fucked anything and you almost make having sex with you feel meaningless, you don’t say a bad word about me, but you rarely say a bad word about others there either, and after reading it, I’ll be honest, it does feel like having sex with you is just something trivial and meaningless because of how easy you let men do it to you , and it was before, after, during me, I kept an eye on timeliness very carefully. So now I want more than sex with you. So that is why I’m being all weird lately. I just don’t want to be one of the million guys that is allowed to fuck you. I wanted My best friend back , and I just didn’t want sex with you. Hence why I met up you twice now with no intention to actually fuck you, or if it didn’t happen I was not going to be dissapointed, going way out of my way to do it too. I can’t and I could never give you many firsts, despite how much you made a fuss about random stupid firsts, and I’m cool with that. But I can be a better friend and not just simply fuck you” What he will never understand, even though I have told him & what you all know & what he should see from this blog, is that I always used sex to get men to like me, tragic as that is, I did it – the only person it ever worked with was the one man I had such chemistry with that he turned out to be the only one I ever begged & chased, it’s fucking him…! He says that he can see I picked the wrong men – like I had so many choices… I fucking dated the only ones that wanted to date me & none wanted a second date so how did I chose that?!

The thing that bugs him the most is Rob Rob, the fact he & I sexted & that he was married. Phoenix thought he was the only married guy, but turns out he wasn’t, which is stupid because he knew about Max. He keeps going on about being special & how he’s not because he was one of the many, which just fucks me off. I snap back “So using that logic, I wasn’t & am not special to you.. You had your partner, you had Rory, you had cowboys mistress…. You even told me you sexted with people, sent pics, you chatted on the anonymous app the whole time… Hell you’re even now currently on the new anon app.” When he asks which one is the new anon app, I get even more pissed off “Fuck me Phoenix… Really?? How many random apps are you on because your wife & I are not enough!” He says that he only uses the chat apps when he gets bored on days off but what annoys him is that I had said that if either J-lo or Rob Rob left their partners, that I would be with them… The shit he doesn’t understand is that, yeah if they had left their partner I would have tried for a relationship with them, I was looking for a partner, I was dating, so why wouldn’t I date them if they were single? I had a friendship with them that doesn’t mean I was in love with them or what I had with Phoenix was any less… I was dating in the hopes of finding a partner, someone who wanted me, someone who wanted only me. So I don’t think it should be a surprise that I would have entertained the idea. He says that Cowboys mistress & Rory were not even in his mind if things ended with his wife, but I call bullshit, both of them were in relationships for a start & second if I was in a relationship & he was single, he would have 100% fucked them & he would not have waited like I do for him! Don’t fucking bullshit me Phoenix!! All he focuses on is that I was chatting to them while having an affair with him… How’s the pot calling the kettle black! He was married & chatting to other women the whole time, so what difference does it make if I was? He says he wasn’t planning a relationship with women he was chatting to if shit hit the fan but apparently I was. Yes, I was looking for a relationship!!! He gets really angry & so do, I that he says he doesn’t want to fight about it because we only have limited time to talk & he doesn’t want to spend it fighting with me. Fuck he is so frustrating. I kinda wish he would just hate me & block me if this is what I have to deal with…

I send a snap because we have a long streak going – I forget what it’s up too now but the little hour glass about it expiring, doesn’t go away, he says he has no idea about snapchat, so I just say “Actually I’ll just let it expire, cos you’re not special… 🤷🏼‍♀️” which I get his second most infuriating response is “Do what you need to do 🤷‍♂️.” Get fucked cockhead! Then he says “I’m off-line for day , so chat again sometime 🙂” Oh double get fucked cockhead!

Ironically, he does come back online at night, I don’t want to message but fuckwit that I am, don’t want to miss out on my friend & don’t want to go to sleep so pissed off. We talk for ages about all sorts of crap, getting onto the topic of his Facebook page, he says that he’s worked heaps in the last few weeks & he’s not been able to think of content for the page but he says “I’d rather see you 🤷‍♂️. You are important to me, I need to start showing it to you.” I mean that’s sweet & I fucking love that, that I wish my job was more flexible, I am chained to a horrible desk with a team who watches what you do, not the boss, the team, tracking what time you come & go for lunch. He says that he finishes at 10:00am on Thursday so he’ll see me then, I tell him I’ll try to work from home but he says that he’s happy to come the extra distance to work for lunch & it doesn’t matter as he’s getting his car serviced.

We talk all night, him saying he’s cook me steak if he got to cook me a meal, I wish he would cook me steak, I would love for him to cook me a meal… When he goes to sign off for the night, he apologies for being a dick to me & says that he regrets reading the blog… I mean if this is the result of him reading it, I don’t regret it. But I am apprehensive – especially if he is saying he regrets it because that means he’s just a few days away from pulling back & leaving me reeling about what the fuck has just happened in the last few weeks!

I wake up to no rant but I get his usual 4:30am good morning. I am disappointed that there is no rant, but only two short messages & I think this is the beginning of the end. He regretted it last night so now he’s woken up & realising that he needs to pull back… But then he says “Haha trust me you don’t want a. Anymore rants. Because rr. Reading about what me has made everything come back to the front of my mind, and gave me a reality check. And I’ve always missed you. But reading our entire story man it hit me different.”

Playing around with snapchat, I create a countdown for him to bring me ice-cream when I have my surgery, knowing it probably won’t happen cos he won’t be talking to me then anyway. He’s at work, even though it’s Saturday he messages consistently & quickly. I am lying in bed sending him cheeky messages & pictures trying to get a reaction from him, which I get! We talk further about how I probably have the dates of when we met, which I do “We met on the chat app on the 24 March 2017… We met on the 21 April 2017 for lunch & we had sex on 9 May 2017” I send that but looking back, I must seem like a fucking crazy person, who has those dates, so readily available – well they are on a USB somewhere so I had to find it but yes I have them on a spreadsheet!

He says again that sex is meaningless to me & that he was just another guy I fucked. He forgets that it took us over a month to meet in person, for a sexless lunch, that he was never just a guy I fucked, I fell for him so hard, I still love him, so much so that even after all this time we still are able to cum together without faking or trying too… How is that meaningless with him? “And sex was meaningless, I won’t deny that… Till I had someone who loved me. Made love to me & made me feel things I didn’t know existed…” He made me feel things that I didn’t know were possible. He taught me things sexually – which there is no point talking to him about because he won’t believe me, but most of all he taught me about love, friendship & relationships that I never thought I would know or feel in my life. It’s like he’s never had meaningless sex before?! I mean hasn’t everyone just fucked someone for the sake of having sex?! He will ALWAYS be the most special human being in my history because he was the one who eliminated my biggest fear in life & that was: dying without being loved or feeling loved. In my eyes, obviously not his, that is more special to me that anything else…

I was loved.

I am loved.

I love.

#IBD4U