Phoenix #4

17 March 2025 – I don’t hate you

For the next two weeks, until 4th January 2026, there will be a blog post everyday at 7:00am, including Christmas day! Hopefully my little journal gives you some joy during the holiday season & you enjoy the story!

The next morning he sends me cum shots of cum on his chest from him jerking off, he couldn’t jerk off last night though, he tells me because he was in bed & his wife was asleep next to him – yes! SHE WAS LYING FUCKING NEXT TO HIM!!!! I sent SOOOO many naked pics, FFS!!! Imagine if she woke up & demanded to look at his phone! Anyway, he says “You are so funny though….how do you go from being pissed off… starting to get sassy with me … To then sending me literally the hottest pics you have ever sent to me.” Yeah I thought I was being a bitch because he frustrated me, so I wanted to frustrate him… I can almost picture his face of confusion when he says, “What a super nice way to be a bitch.” I laugh at that, I mean I felt sexy & good, so I sent pics then logged off!

He actually also starts looking at every story I post – as snapchat is the only social media I use regularly now that Mark Zuckerberg shut down my 17 year old personal Facebook, knowing I was hacked because my Instagram & WhatsApp are both the same as my details on Facebook (email, phone number etc) & owned by him! So I did not do whatever they think I did, so I only now use snapchat really. I post on snapchat, not for Phoenix to see because he used to miss about 90% of what I posted & even if he did look at it, he never said anything or replied to the posts, but now that he’s replying to everything, I am not changing the way I post, but I am aware that he is going to see them all & pay attention. I’ve always wanted him to see what I post, I had always wanted to tell him about the blog but I never thought this would be this reaction! We just never have enough time to tell him everything, especially being online friendship only – until recently, if he doesn’t like what I say, he could just log off & never log back on.

I tell him that one of my favourite moments with his was when we were in Red Rooster for lunch & I touched his dick & he said ‘don’t touch it’ pulling away but then he slid his hand up my skirt &  felt my panties & said ‘I just touched it’ he doesn’t get it asking “How is me making stupid goofy remark even a top moment haha.” For both of us, this is the best sex we’ve ever had, he always thought that I ranked that the highest out of anything – which I understand why he thinks that, as it’s what I used to get people to like me – including him when we first started chatting & fucking, but what he doesn’t get it that the amazing sex isn’t the top moments for me anymore, I try to explain “Cos I find you funny, I’ve always been attracted to your sense of humour… But in person we have always pretty much just fucked… And so I’ve never really see you laugh or joke like you have been… You smiled & laughed & I made a joke & it was just a super cute moment for me… Not having had many cute couple moment before, I loved it. My fav moments with you, will probably never match yours, but those types of moments mean more to me, than you & more than you probably will realise.” The couple moments, not sex couple, but everyday mundane jokes are going to outrank any sexual moment for me & they always did but now I am getting more of them. Don’t get me wrong, I still want sex & our sex is so fucking exciting & unpredictable that I will always want it, but while he probably doesn’t get it fully from my perspective but he wants to be more than just sex to me, he explains why he’s doing this “I’m terrible dry often sarcastic brutally honest sense of humour ? Most people don’t find it funny haha. I’m glad you enjoyed it, I actually really want to spend more time with you not simply just be fucking each other. That didn’t go very well on the 4 hours the other week however! We had sex the entire time haha. But I don’t just want to be sex just to you …. especially after reading your blog. Hence why I keep saying… you don’t have to suck my cock to see me, or you don’t have to have sex with me if I see you for lunch.” He definitely isn’t just sex to me & never was but he says “I know I’m not just sex to you, I know you love me, we just made it the main star of our physical relationship sex mainly , I guess just how meaninglessness you make sex to you in your blog, or how easy you could give it up, makes me think twice, like I don’t want to be just a guy having sex with you because you are trying to get them to like you via those means. I liked you before I fucked you. I do wish the first time wasn’t so sex oriented face to face. But it worked I guess.” He forgets he chose his wife over me, then became open & he would have fuck anything he could without a second thought about me, so don’ give me that bullshit, he is no fucking different. I was trying to find a replacement.

I tell him that sex isn’t meaningless, not with him, there have been dudes I fucked that I couldn’t care less about but if he was single as long as me, he would have similar experiences, I have no doubt about that, I mean when he was open & looking for a chick to fuck, that would have been meaningless sex, so he’s deluded if he thinks he wouldn’t do it if he could but he is too scared to be alone to ever have meaningless sex. “I do think our sex means something to you , but it is fucking scary loving you and being someone that loves you, and someone that considers sex with you meaningful, your blog is quite intimating in that way, I think meaningless is wrong term, but basically through your entire 30s, you would have sex with anything that gave you attention and you were semi attracted to, before me, after I left you the first time, and in the last 5 years. And there is part of me that just regrets just being another person that spent most my little time face to face fucking you, especially considering that is mostly what other guys offered you (and hence why I question anything sexual is even special to you).” If he was single, he’d be no different, but he jumps from relationship to relationship.

He tells me that reading my blog there weren’t many surprises for him because I told him pretty much everything, including the sex party – that was when he was open & he was telling me that he’d just had my number one fantasy that he wouldn’t have with me, with his wife… So I told him things to make him jealous & make him miss me… What he didn’t realise was how much I thought about him at the moments, “Nearly every post mentions me, sometimes very minor , or you compare every guy to me , sometimes major, sometimes minor. Or the things you like about me you look for in other men. Almost like any quality you saw in me made a man attractive to you, and it ranged to how they fucked you, or their height , or even having my name mentioned to you while being fucked in a public toilet, or being fucked by a bunch of random dudes and just going home feeling empty and just thinking about me only. You mention me a fucking lot. 80% of your posts mention me in some capacity. Your poor readers.” I mean if he ever doubted my feelings even a little, he now has proof on how stupid that doubt was.

I still don’t get how he doesn’t hate me for the blog. I was always so scared he or she would find it, I mean if she found it he would hate me but because he found it when we were in a reasonably good place, it’s probably the right time for it to be found “How could I hate you when you were constantly comparing everything to me haha? Why did you even think I would hate you. Or constantly mentioned me, like even after I broke your heart, or when my relationship with my wife was open and somehow you found out a bunch of stuff that was happening during that time, you still thought of me. So how the fuck can I hate you ?” He told me the stuff, I didn’t ‘somehow’ find it out, he fucking rubbed it in my face, daily! “I never in my wildest dreams thought you would ever read it… I mean how embarrassing is some of it…. Um, I am cringing at one post I know of…” He say that he can tell from how I wrote that I never thought he would see it. He asks which post but I avoid the subject – there are so many I wish I never happened!

We move on to talking about how much shit he told me after he was supposed to be happy in his relationship with her, & being a fucking asshole to me to make me hate him & move on. “You do know I asked her while in hospital if I could see both of you hahaha. I said I was not willing to give you up. It didn’t go down very well. And she only married me as big fuck you to you hahaha.” Um, what the fuck?! “She would purposely take photos of us together on Facebook with the full inention of you seeing it …” Um, I NEVER looked at her Facebook – I blocked her & never looked at it, I saw the wedding photo she had posted of her looking all gooney eyed at a guy who looked like he could not give a fuck that he was at his own wedding. I knew without him saying that he thought of me that day & she would have known that too, what woman wants to marry someone thinking of someone else on their wedding day? Even if you are binding yourself to someone forever as a fuck you to his mistress who didn’t even know it was happening?! So fucking twisted!! “Like the sole reason of the picture of us was a big fuck you to you. You did a fuck you back to her though. You did everything in your power to fuck me once you found out I was married. Which I found quite amusing. Reading that blog posr. Women are fuckin idiots. I don’t even think I’m worth all the fuss.” Um… No. Everything I did was about him, I don’t even know her, I couldn’t give a shit about her & I do not do anything to get back at her for marrying him… I pushed so hard to fuck him after he married her to prove to him that he made a fucking giant mistake & sadly, it was more to prove to myself that he still loved me & that even though he was married, he still wanted me & would jeopardise that. It had nothing to do with her…

When I found out he was open, he said to me that he was trying for an open relation to see me, but he never even contacted me, he came back on the chat app & avoided me, so I call bullshit on his stupid line he spun me, but he says sometimes he plays the long game – but I wasn’t going to stick around for this stupid long game he was playing by himself. I don’t believe it for a second! He was in an open relationship, kinky sex with his wife, allowed to fuck other women, having 3sums, didn’t lose his kids or house so I was not even in his mind. He had it all. I was a distant memory! He ignored me for days on the app when I found out about him being on there. So bull fucking shit mate you were playing the long game for me. He says “I intentionally set my children to be independent months in advance so I could see you on weekends for example. My kids are no longer babysat on weekends anymore. Somehow I have convinced my wife that they can look after themselves. My daughter is only 7 lol. It was intentional with the possibility of seeing you” Interestingly he only saw me one weekend before for a substantial amount of time & it was only after he found my blog… Does this guy think I believe a word of this bullshit?

“Every woman blames the mistress , the home wrecker. They always hate them usually.” But I don’t even know her, I wasn’t committed to her & if she didn’t sleep all day he wouldn’t have been online as much as he was, falling for someone else. “You made ‘her man’ fall in love with you , not only did you fuck him. You let him fall in love you.” I didn’t make him do anything & I didn’t let him fall in love with me, he had to tell me that I had feelings for him because I was denying it & not sure of what I was even feeling… So that whole thing is dumb, I get the woman will blame the mistress & she could blame me a little for the last five years, I have put in a lot of effort but she can’t blame me for him being online & I certainly didn’t make him do anything… I tried to get him to see the first & second time that I wanted to be with him & I couldn’t make him see that, so how the fuck could I make him fall in love with me!?

I say “I didn’t hate anyone you chatted too or cause drama for them. I hated you for it. Not them.” & he says, “I wish you told me how much you hated me chatting to people. I would of pulled back. You were never open about that. You got jealous. You made that very clear. But you never told me how much you truly hated it. I would of. Or at least make more of an effort. I had no idea how much it truly affected you. You make it very clear you struggled with it … In your blog. If I knew it affected you that bad I would of stopped. I just thought you were midl. Mildly he.” OMG, is he actual serious!? I told him all the fucking time how much I hated it, “I had fucking melt downs about you flirting in groups & coming back online without chatting me… I also didn’t want to be an obligation to you… Having to chat to me & me alone. I never wanted that.. I just felt insignificant, I told you that multiple times & you just kept doing it…” I remind him of a time he came back online & didn’t even say hello to me, when I said something to him, he just told me that he thought I would have been asleep – in the whole time we’d known each other I was always online waiting till she went to bed to chat to him… But I ask you, if he thought I was asleep & so didn’t message me, why did he come back online?! I told him that night he did that, that I was jealous & he just kept chatting & flirting in the group, blatantly in front of me while not talking to me. He says “I didn’t feel that way because I had been chatting to you all day. In my mind how can you feel insignificant if had been talking to you all day from the moment you woke ul.” But everyday, he would do this & also chat at night, but he started not coming back online at night & this time he did but didn’t chat to me…. I tell him & had told him many times, that I used to rush home from the gym, shower & be waiting to message him when she went to bed. He says that he never wanted me waiting around for him, but he fucking knew damn well that I did it, it was the main thing we fought about because if he didn’t come back online I would be sitting there waiting like a fuckwit & then thinking that clearly they had sex which is why he didn’t come back online. What a great thought that is!

#IBD4U