Phoenix #5

March 2025 – I didn’t ask for this…

18 March 2025 – He says that he needs to go offline & might not be on tomorrow, but then starts sending about eight pics of himself when he was a ‘fat fuck’ in high school & some pics of his dad. I keep saying goodnight, not wanting to be left on unread when he logs off suddenly. The next morning he mentions that I don’t usually cut him off, but he’ll never know what it’s like to be sitting there waiting for a message when he’s logged off & going about his day or sleeping while I am awake waiting because I don’t want to miss a message. I just say that I said goodbye to make sure I wasn’t waiting around, so he says, “Well I wanted to communicate I was going and didn’t want to make you feel like a dickhead. Well I’m trying to be open when I’m not going to be around. So you don’t feel like an idiot. I know the mistakes I made with you in the past.” Does he really?! “I literally show you some personal stuff, old dorky photos of me and baby pics and you ruthlessly just say good bye , good work not being a dick 😜. It’s harder than you think having an affair.” Well how the tables have turned, maybe he now got have a snippet of what it’s like & he doesn’t like it… I snap “I’m not forcing you to to do this again.” I didn’t ask for this Phoenix, you started this! I was ok with the dynamic we had… “And talking to you again and re establishing our friendship is harder than you think for me. I don’t just go about my day not thinking about you. Never did ever. It’s why I put those rules in place , created distance. So I’m not hurting you , and to help me.” Then he adds“This was entirely my decision fuckwit.” I did try to engage & mentioned a few things about the pictures but I was conscious of timing & was also wondering why he would say he’s going & not going to be on today but then start a D&M by sharing pictures.

The pictures lead to a massive conversation about his childhood trauma. It’s really hard for me because I know he doesn’t want pity, but I am a huge crime junkie so I am voracious for information so I am interested in what he is sharing but I am cautious of seemingly looking like I am pitying him. He talks a lot about his traumatic childhood considering he wasn’t even going to be online today… I am conscious that he will just leave mid-sentence soon, if he isn’t supposed to be online while she’s home but I am so intrigued by this conversation that I am so torn about being wrapped up in it & trying to protect myself from feeling like a fool when he disappears. He says goodbye, it’s a Tuesday so I guess I don’t get the schedule like I thought I did, I don’t ask why he’s going offline today but he keeps coming back online, so I ask how or why when he’s supposed to be offline, “I sneak you in when I can. Just don’t want you to be waiting for me like an idiot … Which is bad because I shouldn’t get attached to you or miss you. But I’m also fucking idiot 🤷‍♂️ but you seem to be just a dumb.” I won’t feel like an idiot if he manages my expectations. It’s when he doesn’t say goodbye or just logs off, that has literally been the problem for eight fucking years! I’ve always hated it & made that perfectly fucking clear. He doesn’t listen & continues to do it, so maybe he’s got it this time & things will be different? Bahaha, as if!

Every time we talk about my blog we end up fighting. I mean he blames me for having ‘records’ but I don’t look at the screenshots regularly, I just remember shit he says, particularly about his wife. He brings up the chick on my street doing beauty treatments who told his wife about my sex life – I don’t know her name, but lets name her Ruby… I still don’t believe this story & never will. I don’t think Ruby or Phoenix’s wife knew about the blog & I think his wife just told him a bullshit story she made up to make him jealous & pissed off about me. He says that she wouldn’t have married him if she knew about it, I spit back that he would have told her some ridiculous lie & she would have married him anyway. “I would be so easily identifiable from that blog …. my wife would of left me …. the sex stories and the falling in love part. There would of been no way to get out of that. The blog makes it very clear I’m from down south and close to you , and all the events of my job such as the store closing that clearly make it obvious it’s me.” I think it’s only obvious when you’re reading about yourself… He had told me she knows everything, to quote him ‘Nothing can hurt our relationship now.’… He told me that several times – so many times that it fucked me off… Fine I get it, your relationship is stronger than ever, that’s why you got married… Fuck off…  “She doesn’t know those finer details. She doesn’t know tthe play by play hot sex we had. She knows we had sex, didn’t use a condom., fell in love , etc. It was a year. I denied it, but she didn’t believe me. And still doesn’t.” I tell him that I will delete the blog if he is worried about her finding it & if he is going to keep bringing it up for us to fight about it… But he says he doesn’t want me to delete it, he says she won’t find it. “There is no way she would stay if she found out I was still fucking you. Our relationship isn’t that strong.“ I don’t believe that, she seems like the type to stay to make him miserable, she did it before & I don’t doubt that she’ll do it again. “She had a go in front of our kids today about me cheating. And I fucking hate it when she does it in front of them. I don’t know, I was being a cunt , so she brings it up. Especially when she has her period.” What a great environment for their kids… Let’s be honest, if she’s still bringing it up – she isn’t going anywhere!

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19 March 2025 – The next morning I mention something about waiting for him to log off for weeks & he asks if I am scared about that, I’m not scared but cautious. He’s currently saying all the right things about wanting to put in effort but something will happen & he’ll pull back – I do not doubt that. It’s only been just under a month since he found my blog so this will last a few months but he will go back to how he was at some point, I just have to be prepared for that. He asks me if I want him to stop messaging me, he will stop if I want him too & I just simply say no. He replies “Just checking. I secretly love messaging you daily , I missed it.” I tell him that I’ve missed it too, I was always available for him so I wanted more of him, I just denied myself to allow myself to want it. I tell him that I have tried to scare him a little to get him to go back into his hidey hole but he didn’t. He asks what & I say the thing about our initials & mentioning our anniversary. He holds all the cards, always has. He says that I hold some cards, but we both know that isn’t even a little bit true.

We talk on the phone in the morning, something new that we’ve started doing sporadically & I fucking love it… It’s not just about sex, but being very early morning it seems to be the main topic. Chatting on the phone, makes me love what we have become & this new dynamic is so different, I can’t explain it… We were always super honest, but now it’s more honest than ever, I mean he has read my online journal about my dating life so maybe that’s what making him be more open with me… But there has been a shift.

On the way to work a song comes on, from a band I used to love & haven’t listened to in a while, but listening to the lyrics, I think it’s a song for Phoenix about me. It seems to fit our situation a lot… Our love is like a drug for both of us… It’s called I like the way by Unwritten Law, have a listen while reading. I will add to the #IBD4U Spotify list – I’ve now created a blog list so you can listen to all the songs I referenced in a post.

Unwritten Law – I like the way.

I got a cocaine woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of pills
Another ride to the station
And you know I’m gonna pay the bills, lord
I gotta go see my baby
Gotta run run run
The only girl I love
And It’ll be the last one
I know I know
She’s hell on wheels
I know how she feels

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I got a cyclone woman
And she’s cookin’ up a pound of thrills
Another night she’s away
Couldn’t take cause you know it kills
I missed her for six days
Can’t wait to see
That fine-lookin woman lying next to me

I like the way that she moves when she moves me
I like the way that she feels when she feels me
She don’t complain when I say that I’m leavin’
I’m in love

I wish I wrote about our phone conversations after they happened because I forget all the shit we said… But we must’ve talk about the blog – our new main topic of conversation & he says shit that just pisses me off, that we always end up fighting. He’s talking about chatting online & me not being proud of my body count, “You did what you had to do🤷‍♂️. I would of done the same. I have no doubt you loved me…or love me.. I have made this clear. That is why we are chatting now…. But I was just another guy on the chat app, another guy you got to fuck, even one of a few partnered men that you told me you didn’t do apparently, that was just down south that got to fuck you with the other hoards of men. You just accidentally fell in love with me eventually.” I genuinely don’t get how he can read my blog & really think that he was just one of the many… He says he was the most convenient but is you really think about it, he was the most inconvenient. His phone was tracked, he could only chat to me at certain times, I had to meet him in weird places if I wanted sex, we had limited time together face to face… How is that convenient? He says that if Rob Rob lived close to me that Phoenix would have just been another guy. No way, Rob Rob & I never had a magnetic pull, chemistry, honesty or feelings like Phoenix & I do. Rob Rob knows nothing about me really, like we don’t talk about music tastes or work, he knows basics but we were never going to be anything. I don’t deny that if he was single I would have dated him but it was nothing like what I had with Phoenix. I have never pictured my life like I did (& do) with Phoenix, I picture Phoenix in my house, with my family at family dinner, I picture marrying Phoenix. I had passing thoughts in my blog about dating Rob Rob (& J-Lo) but what Phoenix is making those comments to be that I was in love with them too…  “You couldn’t even uphold our agreement throughout the whole first affair and fucked someone from the chat app towards the end. With full intent too. After telling me how much you love me 🤷‍♂️. I was nothing special sexually and your blog just confirmed that for me. You just fell in love with me eventually and accidentally.” What he will never get because he’s read words & twisted them, but he thinks he is not special to me cos I fucked someone else, but I fucked that guy I think he was Orbit, because Phoenix was making me feel so insignificant in his life, he had a partner who was pregnant. I was waiting for the day he ended it with me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling for Phoenix at the time, I needed to fuck Orbit to realise that I was falling in love with Phoenix but I knew that it wasn’t going to end well with a pregnant partner…

“I’m going to be honest with you .. The Papa Roach post and song was the one that hit me the hardest, the one where I decided I would message you again. And I know you didn’t plan on me seeing it it. But it make me feel okay to reach out to you again and engage conversation without fear… That you hated me , didn’t love me even a tiny bit,or that I was just sex to you only by this point.” I mean I never expected him to see that post & that’s one of the posts I think is embarrassing but that was what I hoped if he did somehow read it. That it would give him the confidence to reach out to me. I was just expecting that it would be when the blog came out world wide cos here would be a movie being made!! Hahaha. Dream on! “I feel like a dickhead now that’s all we talked about it, I feel like a dickhead now that’s all our physical interactions were. Because you did that with everyone else. It’s why I’m trying to not make it about sex anymkre. Anyone can give you sex and you are willing to drop your guard to anyone that gives you enough attention to justify it. So I’m trying hard now not to make it all about sex. But fucking hell, I didn’t not think it was going to be this fucking hard!!!! All I want tto do is fuck you when I’m with you or near you.” Well the feeling in mutual!

We are getting into more snappy territory with him saying shit to me about their relationship, that I say I don’t want to be bitchy so lets move on, but he tells me to be bitchy & because of all the shit he has been saying, I tell him that I think his wife cheated on him first & that’s why she’s been so paranoid about him cheating. He says “Na. She basically cried the first time she fucked a guy and went open/ And felt incredibly guilty.” Mate she’s an actress out of work, she fucking took pills as you walked in the door for attention when you tried to leave her, you don’t think that was a fucking act?! God he’s so fucking dumb! He says shes a goody two shoes, never speeds or breaks the law & has no sense of adventure. Sorry isn’t this the woman who you once told me used to get into punch up with other chicks on the dance floor in nightclubs?! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! She can’t be a fucking goody two shoes if she’s starting fights! She’s also tried to stab him with a mirror shard that she broke when she found out. She also punched him in the face when she saw a message to someone else about loving me… So get fucked!! “Na if you saw what I saw the first couple of guys.” Yeah if I saw what he saw, I would have seen an academy award winning performance… I get he doesn’t want to believe that the mother of his children could ever do that, just as she doesn’t want to think about the father of her children fucking another woman. I get it. He says “Well she does love me haha. But that was one of her reasons I’m sure. I thought about you alot on my wedding day🤷‍♂️ Would of been nice if you broke up with me like after it. But it was almost like the universe was telling you it was not a good time to be in love with me… And obviously I was pulling back (but had no actual plans to end it) And I couldn’t bring myself to admiring I was marrying her. Especially once you went in to full love mode.” I wasn’t out on a limb by myself in full love mode… You’re a fucking wanker Phoenix, I say “See you act like I was the only one spouting sonnets. You fucking started it both times then make it seem like I was the only one ‘madly’ in love…. You were getting married so obviously in madly in love with someone else.” He replies “Hahaha. You think I’m madly in love with my wife? You think I love her the same way I do you ? You think I have sex with her the same way I do with you ?” I don’t even talk about myself to her. Because she’s not interested. She has no interest in anything I do. She didn’t even care about my page until it gave her luxury money to spend. She puts down all my interests and hobbies. You really think we are madly in love with each other ?” My heart actually hurts. Not only because they don’t really love each other & are married but because I want to talk to this man, I want to hear about his bullshit, I want to do things with him & don’t get any of that but we’re madly in love. Why wouldn’t she want to find someone she is madly in love with? Why wouldn’t he want to be with the person he is madly in love with. They settled, for the kids… That’s it, end of story. “She loves me, and I do love her, and I never denied that … But you really think I am madly in love with her? Haha I got butterflies for you still the first day I met you for lunch… I didn’t want to tell you, and I know you got them … as in 2 weeks ago … I never had that with my wife. Ever. Not even when we started dating.” I can’t deny that this conversation just makes me more frustrated than reassured like he is trying to achieve here. This convo is just like when he used to say to me that some man with be so fucking lucky to marry me! It’s not reassuring, it’s fucking heart breaking that Phoenix isn’t that man!

#IBD4U