Phoenix #17

March 2025 – Surgery

31 March 2025 – The day of my gum graft surgery, I wake up to a message from him ”Good morning my nectarine when you get up” we message a little bit before I go to the gym & we chat all the way till I get to the clinic, we’re talking about his usual bed times & how he’s been coming back online every night to talk to me, which I know he has, but he generally goes to sleep about 10:00pm – 10:30pm. He says something about staying up later when it’s his day off, today is his day off & he had to go early last night… I tell him not to tell me why he doesn’t come back online because in my head, it’s because he’s having hot kinky sex with her, but he says, “And I just aim form. 10.30 to talk as long as I can.. And get some sleep  You are an idiot. I rarely have sex with My wife at night…” & my gut wretches & I can’t help but say, “’at night’… yeah good one…” FUCK. So they have morning sex – no that can’t be right, he’s said they don’t have morning sex because she doesn’t like it because he’s too rough (so much for the kinky lifestyle!) & that leaves the middle of the day & fuck I don’t want to think about that cos I already think about that more than I want too.

He says that they are all having the day off for his daughters birthday – oh great he’s probably going to have day sex with her today. FUCK. Considering they all were off yesterday, why the fuck would you miss school & work for the actual day? He says it’s a ‘thing’ people do these days, I just think it’s weird, no one in my family does that… But fuck, I can’t think of this shit right before surgery. Why is this the first he’s told me about all of them having today off? So he’s got today off, got tomorrow off & seeing me, then got Wednesday off for his son’s camp but apparently seeing me?! FUCK SAKE… I am so glad I am going to be out of it soon! They’re all off, they’re all at home, it’s their kids birthday so surely she isn’t going to be asleep late, I am still being dropped off at the clinic so I say, “Don’t let me keep you” because I don’t want him to keep talking me & not be there for his kids, after all they are the reason he chose to stay with her, I never want to be the reason he doesn’t spend time with his kids. Ever. “Shell be up soom. You don’t keep me. Stop saying stupid shit like that. You are not obligation to me. Stop acting Like you are. I genuinely care And love you. Good luck work your surgery today.” & with that, he is gone. I write back but it never gets read while I am waiting around for my surgery. The thing that shits me is that he says I don’t keep him but yet he is gone so quickly. “I’m not acting like you don’t care or love me… I’m acting like you’re going to go offline soon & won’t say goodbye” As predicted, he didn’t say goodbye, I mean he said good luck with the surgery but that’s not a goodbye, is it?

The surgery goes well, I am just groggy, I am not really sore. It just feels like I have a roll of fishing wire in my mouth rubbing against my lip & on the roof of my mouth. I can’t really look at my phone but I try to read his reply “I did have to go off-line. But never want to say good bye 🤷‍♂️ But I will be thinking of you today! Seven today she’s getting big haha. I hope your mouth isn’t feeling too bad when your out.” Fuck, I met him a year before she was born… He sends a pic of her, she’s fucking cute & I’m sad I never got that before… I mean I knew this cos I had to convince him of our anniversary & he says that if he couldn’t pinpoint it with something like her birth he probably wouldn’t have believed it was eight years with me.

Also side note, the fact that he doesn’t want to say goodbye, I get that sentiment, it’s very cute & I love when he says shit like that to me, because I feel the same way, I don’t want to say goodbye when he has to go offline, but fuck, not saying anything & just logging off, how is that better?! He logs off & goes about his life, I go about my life obviously, but I am always waiting for him to come back online & like a fuckwit, I am always available.

Phoenix has been semi planning tomorrow or Wednesday – which ever day he is going to see me, which is unlike him. He’d suggested going to Victor Harbor for the day… A date. A proper date. This v2.0 we’ve had a few sexless dates, a pasta picnic and work lunch breaks at my work, a couple at his work, so this isn’t a completely new thing with Phoenix anymore, but a whole day? He spent half a day here before recently, but this is a whole day. A whole day where he will be ‘looking after’ me after surgery. He is very concerned about it & telling me that we will not being having a lot of sex because I won’t be able to moan or open my mouth much, I keep telling him that he is not my Dr & we will see how I feel. I know he’d picked the Wednesday because I won’t be as sore two days after & not on as much medication. I am petrified that I will be too tired from pain meds that he will have taken the whole day off & get pissed if I sleep all day… I don’t want to sleep around him at all, I never wanted that when I did it like 5 or 6 years ago, but he hasn’t let it go – still to the very days he brings up how close he was to blocking me after that. This time I guess he knows that he’s the only one I am seeing & fucking, plus this is surgery recovery.

We obviously have a few issues given he’s married & him being unable to see me when I want, but one of the problems with our relationship is that I am a planner & he is not. Since he mentioned that we will go for a drive to Victor Harbor, I have planned the whole day in my head, I plan several versions – most of the versions I don’t even let him know about, that I have dreamt them up, so for me when he changes the goal post with the day, time or his availability, I get disappointed, not because he has let me down, because he actually hasn’t but because he didn’t know I had a whole day planned date in my head, almost down to the minute of what we would & could do, including contingencies for weather. So what he doesn’t realise & will probably never understand, is that when I get upset about him bailing, not only does he never say sorry, but it is partly not his fault that I have planned something & not let him in on it & then I get pissed off because I have to change my fantasy date. It so stupid but I can’t help it.

It’s not a major surgery, just a gum skin graft – they take some skin from the roof of my mouth & fix my receding gum that I have on one tooth. It’s something that I had needed for many years & kept putting off, mainly due to the fact it is $4000. I swoon at the thought of Phoenix taking the day off to ‘look after’ me. No one has ever given a fuck about me after surgery & I don’t get a lot of sympathy when sick – my sister will message, sometimes mum or dad, but not like someone is going to be with me during the recovery of something. No one stayed over when I had my breast reduction, my mum choosing her own bed over being here at my house – she did try to get me to stay at her house – but I like her, wanted my own bed! When I had my tummy tuck, the same thing, no one came to visit me in the hospital that surgery. I don’t usually take a lot of meds anyway after surgeries but I am really worried about being tired. This is my mouth & they will be cleaning under my gums also, I think that my whole mouth is going to ache afterwards. I don’t fucking know how I will wake up…

I have stocked up on so many soft foods like custards & purees, yoghurts, soups & frozen mashed potato because I don’t even know if I will be fucked cooking, but they haven’t been very forth coming on what I can eat afterwards or when I will be able to eat. I find out after I am out of surgery that I have these fishing line type stiches in my mouth for two fucking weeks before they get taken out, surely, they are dissolvable?! NOPE. They are probably not fishing wire but fuck it feels like they are. It’s blue & it feels sharp & like there is so much of it in there. They tell me I’m not allowed to play with it with my tongue, but do you think my tongue will leave it alone?! NOPE.

I am so groggy that I can barely message, that by the end of the night we’ve sent about five messages to each other between my sleepy day. He’d sent me a picture of his daughter standing there all cute in a dress, seemingly at the movies or somewhere for her birthday, “She looks so happy! Hope you’ve had a good day. It’s not too sore atm but have slept all day since I got home.” I fall back asleep, not that sore but I am so groggy from the anaesthetic. “Yeah I figured you would be knocked out all day. How are the gums feeling?” I Have no idea what I am saying, “Just swollen & the stitches feel so move” Feel so move?! What the fuck does that mean?! I wake up a few more times throughout the afternoon/evening but I see his messages all in a row, “Sounds pretty bad…. I’m still all good to see you tommorow 🙂 so I’ll head down tommorow morning if your awake then haha. Night #IBD4U” I send “It’s ok. Message me what time. Night P” & I fall into a blissful night’s sleep. I usually sleep so shit when I think that Phoenix will bail the next day, or when I think he’ll be here really early, I don’t want to sleep through it, well he’ll have keys soon so I won’t have to worry about that, but I do sleep well tonight, maybe it’s the drugs, maybe it’s so I can dream of a whole day with Phoenix.

#IBD4U