Phoenix #22

April 2025 – How high?

05 April 2025 – I wake up to a rant to follow on from the fight we were having last night about me being cooler than him & why he was trying to get me to hate him “But I just assumed Miss Strong independent woman with a heart of stone, that was capable of sleeping with multiple men without developing feelings for any of them (apart from me). That freely admitted she had never loved, never even had feelings. That hardly admitted it to me and struggled with the notion and just basic concept of it.” He forgets that that was because I hadn’t had an opportunity to love & be loved, not because I was so strong that I stopped it from happening & my heart was stone because I became bitter about not having love in my life “And had a network of men that would be able to fuck her epecially once she was …umm unofficially single again. In my head. I thought you would hate me easy. You would not be able love me. If I was a cunt to you. Or I told you the kinky stuff my wife was suddenly willing to do as she made an effort with me suddenly because she nearly lost me to you. I never thought you would keep loving me. And assumed you would hate me and move on quickly. And although you may not have been in love with me at that point. It’s clear you had feelings for me. You never hated ne. And compared me to every fucking man you ever met the first time hahah. Or went home after an event and all you thought of was me. You are fucked in the head. I did not even think it was possible for me to even fuck you in the head. The worse thing is. You kept loving me, even after a I whistled it down to a toothpick , even after shoved my improved relationship in your face , or outright was just a dick to you, calling you a slut in actual proper negative way. That is when you were meant to stop loving me. So I could move on, and stop loving you. Also you were meant to stop loving me after a year or two of just having a sexual relationship! Turns out after 3 years you didn’t stop. Or even 5 years !” I never stopped…

The love changed the meaner he was, but for me our relationship was never over because I fell out of love with him, any time it ended I was in love with him & I think deep down I knew when he was being mean or telling me shit about his wife, I knew that was more about him than me. It didn’t spur me on like he thinks it did, it made me want to do things to prove to him I was better than her, I also did those things to try to replace him & replace what we had. I say “You should’ve fucked multiple women…” Which would have mad me jealous from the start & we wouldn’t have gotten so involved, then he says “All I wanted was you 🤷‍♂️“ even though I smile like a wanker, I know that’s not true. If he wasn’t on a tight leash, as he told me once, I have no doubt in my mind he would have fucked other women & not got so involved with me. I don’t deny he wanted me, but we built a friendship & trust, he knew I was discreet. I was the perfect mistress, but I would have just been one of the many. “I mean there was maybe one or two I did want to fuck. But I only had limited time and availability. And wanted to use that on you. When I did have time.” Which is also bullshit, because when he had a second chance with me, he made me feel even worse than when he was actively trying to make me hate him.

I don’t know why, because I already know there were, as he puts it ‘offers on the table’ but why he then goes into detail of two of them in particular… I don’t know the point he is trying to make because he just told me all he wanted was me, but is now telling me in detail about these two women & I know that had he not been tracked, he would have fucked both of them, I would not have been a factor at all. I am sick of hearing how much women would have fucked him, I get it! I know you don’t need to keep rubbing it in my face because you read my blog!

I change the subject “Next time we’ve get decent time together, we should go to Mt Bold Reservoir or Hallett Cove Boardwalk for a walk. Or Hahndorf for a kransky.” We just need to not talk about the fucking blog… He says “It’s pretty damn fucking cute your thinking of other places. Hahndorf was going to be the 2nd choice i was going to give you.” Is it cute? I just want this sexless date stuff he keeps offering up… Speaking of which, I head off to a bunnings closer to his work so I can meet him on his lunch break, even though he doesn’t know when his break will be, I am loitering in the vicinity so I can make sure I don’t miss a minute of his break. I go to his work & pull into a park he’ll approve of.

He gets in the car & we kiss as a peck hello, but not long into the visit, we are kissing properly. When I control the kiss, so make sure we are not being rough, that we are not banging lips or teeth together, I fucking missed passionately kissing this man! Kissing like this without it leading to sex is something special to me because it means I mean more than sex, I hope he feels the same way.

I’m not really sure why but I randomly send him the song Lucid dreams. This song was released in May 2018, shortly after we broke up the first time so it was super relevant & really hit me in the feels, that he chose another one but I am the better one… However, I am not entirely sure why I sent to him now when we are in a good place. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter anyway because I have no idea if he listened to it or not as he made no comment about it at all. However I do really like the song & have added it to the #IBD4U Spotify playlist. Here’s the song & lyrics as usual.

Uhm-uhm-mm, ah
No, no, no, no (no, no)
No-no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no (no, no)

I still see your shadows in my room
Can’t take back the love that I gave you
It’s to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you, so I must replace you, oh
Easier said than done, I thought you were the one
Listenin’ to my heart instead of my head (of my head)
You found another one, but I am the better one
I won’t let you forget me (let you forget me)

You left me falling and landing inside my grave
I know that you want me dead, ah
I take prescription pills to make me feel a-okay
I know it’s all in my head
I have these lucid dreams where I can’t move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything, thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I’m just better off dead (uh, uh, uh)

I’ll do it over again, I didn’t want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind, I should’ve listened to my friends
Leave this shit in the past, but I want it to last
You were made outta plastic, fake
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heartbreak

You made my heart break
You made my heart ache (I still see the shadows in my room)
You made my heart break
You made my heart ache (can’t take back the love that I gave you)
You made my heart break (were made outta plastic, fake)
You made my heart ache (I still see the shadows in my room)
You made my heart break again (I was tangled up in your drastic ways)
(Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Dominic James Miller / Gordon Matthew Sumner / Nicholas Mira / Danny Lee Snodgrass Jr. / Jarad Anthony Higgins

Lucid Dreams lyrics © Artist 101 Publishing Group, Electric Feel Music, Taz Taylor Beats, Songs Of Universal Inc., Magnetic Publishing Ltd, Nick Mira Publishing

Something really interesting is how much he says his actual kids names now. He used to always say my son or my daughter when he did talk about them, which was hardly ever & it used to bother me but I guess it was his way of keeping his distance & also because thought I hated kids just because I didn’t want them… But now he says their names a lot, sending pictures of them usually just a pic of them in the distance at the beach or playing a computer game, them walking home from school, nothing weird but it’s cute & I love seeing him proud of his kids. “You know you say your kids names a lot now… You used to say my son or my daughter only.” I randomly say to him, “One thing I learned from your blog .. You wanted to hear about my kids..” That’s such a weird thing for him to pick up out of my blog, I mean it’s true but of all the shit he has picked out of it, it’s so funny that something so miniscule that bothered me he picks up on & is trying to rectify it. “You complained in your writing.. I didn’t talk about them with you. Clearly hated that I didn’t talk about them. Pissed you off badly I didn’t tell you my daughters name.” (I write ‘my daughter’ there because he said her name & I’m obviously not putting that in the blog, so it’s not entirely a direct quote!) He says he found it odd talking about them & it used to bore him before he had kids when people talked about their kids to him, so he didn’t want to bore me.

It’s weird because he didn’t want to bore me & I felt like it was him holding back & not wanting me to be involved “I know but that was another reason why I never had a clue how you felt… Like you didn’t share stuff with me so I was like ah right we’re not as close as I think we are. We talked about all sorts of shit…. I didn’t want you to tell me the colour of their t shirts today, just general shit & you never did which I just thought was keeping separation.” So interesting to see how our relationship being mostly online is what caused us so many issues but him reading my blog can fix them “So yeah there are some things that bothered you that I didn’t know. And I’ve tried to improve on this time. It has given me some insight to what you were thinking during our affairs. And some aspects to how I can improve. And obviously how much you loved me. And sat around lim. Like a dickhead being avaible for me. Which I took for granted.” I mean he admits it, but he still makes me feel like a dickhead when I wait around for him & he still 100% takes it for granted, knowing that when he comes back online, I will always be there waiting… How does this turn into a fight, he says “I gave a shit about you!!! Just didn’t care about you waiting around. Didn’t think it affected you … didn’t know you were doing post first affair…. didn’t know you would do it again second affair and how badly it would affect you… Just assumed you would distract yourself with other men. And you would be fine 🤷‍♂️” Not caring that I am waiting around is not giving a shit about me, just FYI Phoenix!

But I say “Yeah I didn’t get that memo…” He doesn’t agree “You did get the memo. You had multiple guys and couples messaging you in the background the entire time. Your blog proves that. You just fell in love with one and wanted a particular one. Out of all of them. That is the memo that was not passed onto me.” Like he thinks because he read my blog all as one big story that all of those people I was talking too every day – which I did not… “Mate, it wasn’t the entire time & if they were messaging, it wasnt consistently… Would you have rathered I fall in love with multiple people? Or kept fucking multiple people??” How are we having this heated argument over him talking about his kids for fuck sake? “No didn’t!!! I wanted to be the only one. I was jealous you were fucking other men and not me before we fucked. I was insanely jealous you were seeing couples within months of fuckkng me and the other men started dropping out. I wanted you all to myself despite you being the other woman. I just didn’t think you wanted that (which you didn’t) didn’t think you had feelings for me, and due to your popularity in groups , just assumed you had a back up list of people on the chat app and and I was just part of that list. But it was agreed you could chat to anyone, and fuck anyone. And it wasn’t until late on I told you not to fuck people from the chat app. But made it clear you could chat, even date and fuck existing people in your life of people from other places. Not like you adhered to even that rule haha. So in my mind. I’m like just one guy out of 50 people. Messaging you on the chat app. I did not think you would hang onto every message dying for to message you.” He wanted to be the only one for me, but for eight years I’ve never even come close to being the only one for him… He still to this day tells me they have sex regularly so how can he expect to be the only one when he never gave me the same courtesy?

This fight continues about Rob Rob. Apparently, I allowed Rob Rob to degrade me verbally throughout the relationship with Phoenix, but I told Phoenix he was the only one I allowed to do that. First – I don’t remember ever saying that Phoenix was the only one, I’m sure he could look & find a fucking comment in the blog & use against me & second, Rob Rob was not as significant as Phoenix is making it out to be. He says that he was just the only dickhead who messaged me everyday, I am angry but I say – trying to lighten the mood because I know he is just a few messages away from full on cracking the shits & logging off, “You signed the Phoenix VS IBD4U agreement 2017 so you had to message me everyday or you would have been in breech of that contract…. 🤷🏼‍♀️” He ignores me & keeps going, “Because i know he wasnt significant to you in the same way I was. But there was something I considered significant between us that was bullshit. And I’m just correcting. You.” Ok I get he made something special in his head that I didn’t see was special. Sex had never been special or connected on an intimate level until I met him – so he’s right sex was not special to me, until I met him, until I had someone so in tune with my body that I got everything I wanted & more, plus actual love. He then says “I should probably go offline. But it is not good bye 😛. You didn’t like me disappearing off-line in your blog. So I try and tell you now. Another thing I learned.” I tell him that wasn’t a big revelation, “Yeah but. Didn’t know how much it bugged you.” I told him so many times, in so many ways… I would actively crack the shits & he is saying he didn’t know how much it bugged me?!

For someone who took a big risk & had to tell me that I was in love with him because I didn’t know it could be real with him, he really is a fucking idiot if he couldn’t see that every time we’ve been in communication, all he had to say to me was ‘jump‘ & my immediate response was & always is, to this day ‘how high?‘

#IBD4U