April 2025 – Part of a list
09 April 2025 – I am not looking forward to this conversation, I know that he has been dwelling on this & now waited until he is at lunch & I am in training for him to raise this with me, “So neither were in groups with you… J-lo was j low & Rob Rob was Rob something… You were never in competition in my mind with you. I get why you think you were though after reading it. You wouldn’t have known either I don’t think… they didn’t chat in groups.” I know this is going to turn into a fight & I can’t help but be apprehensive to tell him anything, not because I want to hide anything from him, but because I don’t want to get into this fight where he thinks they are his competition or that they were significant on the same level as he is. “Yeah don’t remember either but my memory is hazy of men on the chat app from that period. Considering one was allowed to degrade you and was part of your ultimate fantasy with me, and the other one had a close friendship with you , and despite both being parterned , you fucked both, you are full of shit if you think they were not.” What the fuck has he read this morning!? FUCK “Ans you fucking protected jlo identity when I asked you who told you I was married. You refused to tell who it was. You would of fucked them eventually with your terrible loyalty at the time” Oh fuck here we go! I try to defuse the subject sending a pic of how close we are from the snap maps, but he will have none of it.
He is fixated on J-Lo, “Just find it odd you protected his identity from me. Mind you, you fucked him during third affair so makes sense. You also say multiple times if he left his partner you wanted a relationship with him. So non competition my ass.” Does Phoenix not remember he is fucking married?! I’ve had competition for eight years! That he chose over me time & time again, I didn’t choose anyone over him! He knew I was single & looking for someone, so technically every fucking guy on the planet is his competition!
I send him a meme, which I have made todays heart, but he still won’t have it! “You know why it pisses me off right? Because you were always so honest about everything, but there 2 blokes you hid from me, which makes it even worse that they were both partnered and both had similar aspects of our relationship in our first affair, with their friendship with you” Why is he like this?! I can’t be messaging him today at training… Okay I don’t see it as I hid them, I didn’t tell him about every single man that messaged me… I mean I didn’t tell him that Holden & Shark messaged a lot too… Maybe I did hide them because I knew he would be jealous but he thinks they were more significant than they really were. I don’t even know what to say to him when he is like this, “Remember I feel in love with you. Not because I ‘happen’ to but because you made me laugh, you made me smile, you made me feel sexier than ever, I felt things with you I’d never felt, your touch, your kiss. I feel in love with you because we were honest & you were genuinely interested in me, not just for sex. You talked to me every second you got about all topics….” He says that he thinks I lie about my feelings for them, I have no fucking feelings for them & never developed feelings for them. But also not in the same way I denied my feelings for Phoenix, I never wanted to talk to them every day, if they didn’t message, I never initiated conversation with them, EVER. If they didn’t talk to me that day, I didn’t talk to them at all… I didn’t care if they chatted to other women, I wasn’t jealous about anything with them at all. I have only ever been truly jealous with Phoenix.
I try to show that I am sorry for how he feels about this, ”Yeha I get it, I’m sorry I made or it’s making you feel that way. Was never my intention for it to upset you… I don’t see them as significant as you do, but I can 100% say if the shoe was on the othet foot – I would be so fucking jealous!!!” But nothing I say will help the situation “You gave him and my wife full fucking names … Cos you knew it would upset me. I’m not meant to fucking know!!!” Yeah I did, I am not going to defend that… He gave his wife my address of my forever home… But I needed to know if they got married & Phoenix should have been the one to tell me, I was fucking him right before it he said I do to someone else & he knew what date it was happening when he started affair two, so he should have fucking told me himself & then I wouldn’t of had to stalk! Not be pissed off that I got someone to look at his Facebook to confirm what I thought. He says that he pushed for me to tell him who told me he was married, but I wouldn’t tell him, he seems to think I was protecting J-Lo but I didn’t think it mattered because he wouldn’t know who it was anyway. He seems to think it’s because I am waiting for J-Lo to break up with his partner, which could not be further from the truth but no matter what I say, he won’t agree…
He still just thinks he is part of a list, a fucking list I hid from him… “I told you about the line of guys I was fucking when we met… I wasn’t fucking either of them… I chatted to so many people over the years… They were the only consistent ones & yes I ended up meeting both but just chatting to them, they weren’t something I told you about. And selfishly, I didn’t want you to be jealous & block me…” He wasn’t ever fucking part of any list. He was the god damn fucking list!! The list was one person – Phoenix. That was all I wanted, Phoenix cannot say the same about me! “Believe me, it wasn’t to hide them from you on purpose besides me protecting myself from you ghosting me. I don’t know how else to convince you… I 100% understand how you feel about it & I get your point of view… I was dishonest with you about certian things, I always thought myself trustworthy & loyal… I can justify to myself why I wasn’t at that time because of our situation but I believe I am both those things. Upon reflection, I was selfish why I didn’t tell you things & why I did thing behind your back, again cos of our situation, I could justify it didn’t matter – especially when I had instant regret about things… I wanted you all to my self. No wife. No other chicks on the chat app, the anon app, the other chat app whatever else you were on… And I didn’t get it, so I could justify that you didn’t get to have all of me… I was also afraid that when your wife found out, you would choose her, rightly so, you have kids, house etc… So I also justified it knowing I would be discarded when she did find out…” Looking back on his narcissistic, gas lighting, I don’t know why I tried so fucking hard to convince him & justify myself. He just flicks a switch & says he is over it… Fuck sake, is he bi polar?!
I take the new mood, run with it & ask about the Amazing Co picnic (https://www.amazingco.me/aus) I suggested ages ago – he says it was only weeks but that weeks is ages ago & he says that when I can eat better then we will do it, but then he says “Fuck your cute sometimes.” I mean I’ll take it but I don’t understand why, “Because you still want to do a special cute date thing with me. And I think that is fucking cute.” Now I know he wants that that, I am ok with telling him that it’s what I’ve always wanted. I also want to prove to him that he is not part of a list, that he is the list… If he didn’t read my wedding blog post & the Papa Roach post & know that he was it… I wrote the wedding posts about him as Silverlining, during affair two. I never dreamed that at the same time of me writing that, he had planned his wedding day which was days away when I ended it, with someone else, while I was dreaming of mine to him… I wanted him, only him… I still only want him that is why we are here fucking eight years later. He asks if I am sure if I don’t just want sex. I say that I wish that’s all I wanted…. “I love you #IBD4U. That is fuckin cute.” He’s read my blog, he has to know that he is my number one, that his is the only one I want to date. I just never thought he would want it or be able to do it. “Hmmm. It’s not cute… Don’t you want to do dates too or am I sitting out here on a twig by myself like a fucking twat??” I know he wants it too, but now he’s making me question it, “Hahaha. I’m the stupid twig that suggested them in the in the first place… I’m the one that saw an opportunity to bring it up and suggest we do it.” He mentions that during the first affair, despite telling me a few weeks ago that he hated kayaking & his wife laughed at him for freaking out when they went, that he wanted to go with me. Do you know what is so fucked. When I did it with Max, things were very new with Phoenix, but I wanted to go with him, I never knew he would have gone with me & now I’ve fucking sold them!!! I would have loved to go with Phoenix, but I figured he wouldn’t want to go in fear of looking stupid with me. We talk about a date at Hahndorf as well, something I’ve never done with anyone, he seems to know lots about it so seemingly he’s been there with his family… We say goodnight & I try to top off the evening with a sweet thought to go to sleep “I love you Phoenix. You’re my favourite person. I can’t wait to go on these dates with you.”
10 April 2025 – When he messages in the morning, I don’t get a rant, but I wake up to a long message, “I am glad you just don’t want me just for sex , you always came across as such a sexual person, and put sex on a pedestal, and sadly your blog magnified that to my pov, but I have always viewed you more than sex, it’s just that we have really good sex that we needed to do it every time haha. I do wonder if we didn’t have good sex if you would of fallen for me so hard though… due to how good it was … and how important sex was to you at that point in your life where you were being very experimental…. and how much you apparently needed sex or you would get angry and grumpy. Not only did you tell me this haha, you regularly wrote it in your blog.” I mean I don’t think I put sex on a pedestal, I used it as a way to get men to like me, which is not the same, “Does it really matter how we fell in love?? Like aren’t all relationships just luck of two people finding each other & not wanting to be apart?? Yes the sex was good, I wanted it & would get grumpy…. But that was also cos I hadn’t seen you, I made it about sex cos of our situation & how good it was… But I want to see you, I want to touch you, hug you, tell you when something is shit at work etc, sex obviously relaxes me & calms me down so when I’m angry, I want it but also, particularly this time around, you make me calm without sex… I’d just had a fight with a chick on Tuesday, I came out, hugged you & instantly felt better… I would have usually tried to fuck you cos that’s what we do… But I don’t need it. I want it obviously but I want you more than just sex. I always did… I just never showed it like I should have. I know cos you’ve read my blog & that’s how I felt 5 years ago when I wrote it that you think that is still my opinion… I am older, more reflective, more relaxed – mostly… That my opinion has changed, me perspectives are different, even my hope & dreams are different. I’m not the same person who wrote that blog.”
We built it on sex because of our situation, because of the limited time, I mean his phone was tracked that he would come over then rush back to the store to turn his location back on. I didn’t think he would even want to be seen with me in public, even now it surprises me. The one time we were in Hungry Jacks at the start of affair two, we saw someone he knew for fuck’s sake – his sisters partner. So I didn’t think real dates would be on the cards, I always wanted more, I was single & looking for a partner who wanted the same. “You were the main event though quite quickly. I fucked you the most & wanted you regardless what you think & what my blog says I was doing… My mind never stopped thinking of you. It doesn’t matter how we got here, what we did to each other really… We wouldn’t be this honest now if we hadn’t gone through all that… Not saying I ever want to go through that again, but I’m always a afraid to lose you but this time as an older more reflective chick, I feel like if I’m honest & you aren’t happy about it & don’t stick around, then is this the type of relationship I want? Probably not… I want an adult relationship, where I can be honest, I can be open, vulnerable, sad, happy, excited to see you… Without judgement. Without fear of being pushed away. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t slept with anyone else in over 2 years.” This is going to turn in to a fight, I can fucking sense it!
“How would you feel if there was things that you thought were unique to our friendship/relationship that turned out to be not true ? If I told you today I fucked someone else during our first affair? That you were not the first for example ? I or were not the first person I met up with?” Funnily enough I didn’t think to say it at the time, but he did have the same with Cowboys Mistress but I’m glad I didn’t because I don’t want to do tit for tat like we usually do, “I said it yesterday… I would 100% be fucked off & jealous… However I justified it cos you had your wife & I was waiting for you to end it with me, so I kept my options open… Not saying the justification was right, not saying what I did was ok… Just how I justified it in my mind… And I don’t want to do tit for tat anymore… But you had a partner, that you had a baby with & married while fucking me… So I justified eveything cos I was looking for a partner that wanted me…” I would have been so fucked off if I knew during affair two that he had Cowboy’s Mistress’s fucking address & was planning on fucking her – but she lived in Port Pirie way, so at least three hours from Adelaide, so she was geographically out, but ultimately, he had online, what he had online with me, with her….”So how would you feel if I could justify that I slept with others with the chat app during out first affair because you were sleeping with others? But you thought it it was something special and unique to our friendship and that you were only one I told you I was doing it with? And you found out today for example?” Um, is he trying to tell me something?! He says no, but I say “Well, like I said before, I would be upset, jealous, heart broken, devastated, angry… All things I felt when when I heard your relationship was open… Becsuse your wife finds out, you stay then open you relationship to get what we had… So I get how your feeling… I am just saying how I justified it. Right or wrong, it’s just what I did. That doesn’t mean I am proud of it or happy I did that. I hate that you’re feeling this way & that I made you feel anything other than the most significant person to me… Because thays what you were to me but I was was stupid because I didn’t have all of you, I didnt want to give all of me & feel like a twat…” He says that he did deserve all of me, which is true, I never had all of him. I still fucking don’t.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 