Phoenix #27

April 2025 – Relationship Status

10 April 2025 – I don’t want to keep writing about this fight or in this much detail, we should not be up to #27 Phoenix posts already & we’re still only in April. Phoenix started this at the end of February. So I should not be writing in such detail, but it is genuinely hard not to put all the quotes in & our interactions because fuck they are so frustrating… & it just makes this so much more confusing as to why he started this…

I did say back to him however “I felt entitled to all your time when you weren’t with your family, which is why I was always pissed (aka jealous) when you chat to others & not me…” I felt like he should give me his time because I was always available for him. “I didn’t think I was entitled to anything , I was a married man having an affair with a single chick. If was up to you what you wanted to do , and although I got jealous I didn’t expect any different, and if you were honest about those friendships you had with partnered men to begin with I wouldn’t have overthought about them when I read the blog either. I entered a fwb with you knowing what you were doing. And although I wanted you to myself , and didn’t to share you once I caught feelings, I never felt entitled to it, I did feel jealous however. I also never felt entitled to your time online or availability. And it’s why I’m always made a concious decion (and still do) to not chat to you when I know your out. I did sometimes feel entitled to certain things however… I felt entitled to a key because sweeties husband had one and I was putting in way more effort than him, and he was married too, for example , despite being open, I felt like I was putting more effort in. And despite being a cheating husband … I actually wanted to be loyal to you, and it’s main the reason I didn’t fuck that chick for example. Even though I knew I could, the offer was there very easy , and I didn’t think it would affect our friendship too much.” He obviously does think he was entitled to things cos he so fucking pissed I had a friendship with J-Lo & Rob Rob, so he thinks he’s entitled to only have him as a friend…

I don’t think I ever gave this chick he mentioned before a name but remember the chick that Max kissed the night I got super pissed off at him when he hadn’t paid any attention to me all week, well that chick was good friends with Phoenix & always offered up her virginity to him (if we believe him) I will call her Rizz from now on. “Remember your old mate tbone you decided to kiss on you’re the chat app catch up night? He wasn’t single… Rizz and him were fucking … She knew how to handle a non single guy … She also knew my name and obviously my wife. I could of trusted her … She was the one that made me realize I should shower after fucking you to get your perfume scent off me, cos he would do it …. You were the reason…. She was jealous of you … She was also willing to come to me and fuck me anytime including in a car and see me during work hours… and I can assure she made it really hard for me to resist the temptation…. Not only that but because she was fucking another non single chat app on guy that made her more appealing, at least for a once off. Turns out no men were really single on the chat app most of the time haha… It obviously how I found out you kissed him too lol. If you were wondering what happened yesterday… You said our vibe changed the night before…. I don’t think my vibe and behaviour changed…. So I went looking for things in your life that changed… I went into over thinking mode… Must of done a few hits on your blog too lol. And it made your numbers go up … Then got pissed as I saw it matched up with timeliness that jlo was fucking you and subsequently also left your life. So then I’m thinking are you still only talking to me and fucking me because he’s not. Yeah. I can be an overthinker too… I stayed up that night… Processing information in your blog … Looking to see why you thought our vibe had changed, thinking it was entirely on your end .. And apart from the first 3 months we started the 3rd affair…I always showed you I cared and listened to your problems.. So I was like wtf changed for her…. Then I thought about it the entire drive to the city ..” Well I fucking knew something was up yesterday… Fucking tool. But why didn’t I ask more questions. How did Rizz know him & his wife?! & how does he think a virgin knew how to handle a cheating man?! She wasn’t trustworthy at all, she caused drama after drama on the chat app… But the more he talks about her & Cowboy’s Mistress, I am almost certain he fucked one of them while with me & that’s where this guilt attack on me is coming from…

I don’t even know what to say “But if this is how you feel everyday, why do you even want to talk to me?? I don’t even know what to say to you… You don’t believe me anyway. You’ve read my blog, interpreted it & nothing I can say now will change your mind… So what do you want me to say? I’m the bad guy & you’re the good one…” This gaslighting is getting old… He goes & finds a quote from the blog where I say that I think that J-Lo & I would be together… But no matter what I say, he won’t listen to me now. I say that I don’t know what to say but I love him & we’re never going to get over this. He says that he’s not angry & has just been trying to explain what his mood was yesterday. Fucking long way to go to explain his fucking mood yesterday by making me feel about as small as a he possibly can & making me feel so awful I am begging him to see my side. I send a picture of me & we have so lighter conversation but I say, “You are welcome to think what you like, But I will just say this… Phoenix, you were never part of some long list of guys. You were not a backup. You were not convenient. I am still here 8 years later, still waiting around for you to message. Hanging on every word you say, because I fell for you. Not anyone else. I fell for you earlier than I ever admitted myself & because I didn’t understand the depth of my feelings, I subconsciously sabotaged it. Nothing has worked out with anyone else in the last 8 years, because YOU have my heart. You’re the only man who has truly seen me, seen my heart & seen my soul. You broke down my walls. You made me feel loved & you taught me how to love. No one else in my life or blog can compare to what you have given me. Phoenix middle name surname. I love you & only you.” I used his full name there for full effect that I fucking love him.

I notice that night looking at the chat app that we met on, which I never ever go on these days – maybe once a week if I remember, I definitely don’t chat, but I look every now & then. Phoenix has changed his profile photo from what has been there – I want to say that for a good four years he’s changed from a truck to his face. HIS FUCKING FACE! Not only does his wife know about this app, I am also on it & he’s been declaring his love for me now for a month yet again, he’s a fucking asshole. I am so angry! After this fight, I head over to my blog & unpublish it. He notices so much fucking quicker than I realise he would… “Your a fuckhead. You turned your blog to private” Yes because I am sick of fucking sick of fighting about it & now him going to find quotes is fucking next level. “You’re a fuck head. Why are you even on it?? And putting you face up on the chat app… 🤷🏼‍♀️” His response is so fucking disrespectful “Well once I start… Eh I was bored.” Bored, how the fuck is he bored… I am here all the fucking time to chat to him, fuck him, take him foo… I fucking hate that I am never enough for him. “Yeah great. Have fun chatting to the I ♥️ Phoenix club… I’ll leave you to your boredom then.” I am over this & feeling like this. He asks if I got jealous & I just say “No, chat to who ever you want to when you get bored.” I tell him to do what he wants, his usual bullshit answer for me for anything. He says “I got bored of chat app and used it for a hour. But I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice my pic! Turns out less than 24 hours !” Well was less than two hours for him notice that my blog was unpublished. I snap, “So I’m the shitter person. I fucked half of the chat app with my smelly belly button. I had a whole line of them. Just waiting. Like the OG chick that fucked 1000 men a few months back. I am shit, I am sick of hearing it though, I don’t need you tell me how awful I am. I already know & struggle with it daily.” I think he feels bad, especially since he uses my name “You are not a shit person IBD4U. I’m sorry I made you feel like shit today.” He asks if I want to go back to how it was before he found the blog & I say no, but I want to stop talking about it & all the fucking shit things I did & what he would have done if his phone wasn’t tracked.

“I’d rather know that you put your face back on the chat app cos you’re pissed at me & searching for someone to chat to or even fuck. Than find out in a month’s time or longer that you did fuck someone else.” To which he replies that he’s taken it down, I check & he has – to a black dot. I feel like a fucking jealous needy bitch… “Don’t be stupid. You can have your face up. I’m just gonna be a jealous bitch about it. I don’t want to stop you from having your face up or chatting to people cos I’m a fucking idiot & jealous.” I mean I feel like a smug bitch that he took it down, but I am not going to admit that, when he says “Is it sad that I wanted you to be jealous?” Well I guess not, I mean we all want to know our partner is jealous & that they care about us – don’t we? He tells me that I don’t have to worry there are no women left on the app anyway… I tell him honestly that I don’t want him to fuck anyone else, but I change that to anyone else new, because obviously he’s still going to fuck his wife, when he drops a bombshell – he asks if he can fuck people from the chat app that he’s already fucked & when I say that I assume that I am it – being that’s what’s he’s told me time & time again, when he says “What happens if you are not?” WHAT THE FUCK? What a prick, I knew it… He’s lied to me all the this time… I don’t even know what to say, my heart is racing, I cannot believe this. I am so upset, what am I going to do? I mean I lied to him about people I slept with but I justify this because he has a wife… But to now find out that he did fuck someone else from the chat app is literally going to destroy this new found relationship. Why hasn’t he told me before? Why hasn’t he told me when he’s been in one of his grumpy moods when he’s being a fucking asshole about my blog? If it’s Rizz or Cowboy’s Mistress, I am going to lose my shit! I say” You did say you don’t want to lie… Do you have something to say?” When he says yes after a long pause, I am even more fucked off. I tell him to go on, really not sure what I am going to say when he tells me who. What if it was someone I really hated? Or someone I was really jealous of? I know I fucked people that he hated, but I also did it when we were over. When did he do it? When we were broken up? When they were being open?

FUCK FUCK FUCK – why is he taking so long to reply? “Well… I had this 3sum once with a chick called sweetie.”

Actual.

Fuck.

You.

BAHAHAHAHA… What a fucking twat, he had me going so badly then! Fucking jerk… I laugh at him with a huge sigh of relief & tell him that she’s a free pass & he can fuck her anytime.

But despite everything we’ve talked about, there’s a niggling feeling inside me, that’s been there longer than I admit & I don’t want to keep supressing my feelings, the feeling is that I am not single #IBD4U. This time things are different. Sure, he still has a wife, but there are poly relationships, right? Why does our unconventional relationship have to have a conventional label? But I have thought it for a while… Today is not the day for this conversation but I need to have it, I need to tell him because if we get any deeper I am not going to recover when this is over, so I need to know now if he doesn’t feel the same way. So I tell him that I mean it, I don’t want him to fuck anyone else. I really feel like I need to say this, he’s read my blog, things he didn’t know, things I thought he didn’t know but did, things I never thought he would ever know because he wouldn’t read my blog. When he infuriately just says “ok” I ask “Ok, you won’t or just ok – you’re an irrational bitch type ok?” I know I can’t really ask him to not fuck anyone else, he has a wife who he fucks, but I mean that I don’t want him to fuck anyone new he says, “Ok as in I don’t know what to say. We have never really said this kinda stuff to each other … We used to just keep it to ourselves and just get jealous.” Well this is true but maybe we shouldn’t say this?! I don’t think I had a right to tell him that I didn’t want him to fuck anyone else, he can do what he wants, he lies to her about me all the time so I can’t really ask this of him, but he says that I do have a right to ask this of him & asks if I want to know why, which of course I say yes, so he says “I consider you one of my closest friends in my entire life. And your opinion and what you want matters to me. And I love you too.”

This is it, this is where I tell him what I’ve been feeling this whole affair 3 v2.0, something I’ve wanted to say to him… He just said my opinion matters to him… I start off like he did for me when he told me he loved me for the first time, “And do you want to know the most fucked thing…” Of course, he says sure, so I say that “Hmmmm… Can’t take it back once I’ve said it Phoenix.” I don’t know if I should say it, given our situation, I start backing out. “Say it. Wait. Your fucking with me. This is going to be dumb.” I fucking hope it’s not dumb, I start to lose my nerve even more. “Hmmm, maybe it is. Fuck. Don’t worry.” But he keeps at me, that I just blurt it out -holding my breath for him to read it, “I don’t consider myself to be single anymore….” he asks really & I say that I guess that depends on his reaction… “Well. I like it. But feel bad at the sametime.” I know why he feels bad, he’s not looking to change his situation & he never will, but he asks if that’s why I gave him a key again, “I know the situation I am in, don’t worry…. But I want to consider you more than a FWB. Yeah, I wanted you to know that you are more than a FWB to me… I don’t know if we have a term we can use but you’re more than just someone I fuck. You always were, I just always kept referring to you as fwb.” I know we both don’t like labels, but I don’t feel right saying I am single, “I mean I don’t want to update my FB relationship status or tell my parents… But when I refer to you, I don’t want to say fwb” & I add that I don’t want to fuck anyone else – this has been true for almost two & a half years already & that I don’t want to date anyone else. He says, “You have been so much more loving, and affectionate .. and open and honest with me this time. And I like it.” I have & I wish I was like this the whole time, I felt like I was always holding back because of our situation but it’s also because I am older, more relaxed – while I don’t know if it’s the ADHD meds because I’m not sure they really do anything, but they do make me less angry. “Cos believe it or not… I like our situation – don’t get me wrong I would live with you in a heartbeat of things were different, but I like chatting to you & find out how your day went, finding out your fav foods etc… I think we have a unique situation that isn’t always ideal but keeps it interesting too…” I do want him, man I fucking want him. But would it be as exciting as it is if I had him any time I wanted him? I don’t know… “So I’m your boyfriend? But official this time? But at the same time secret?” I mean it has to be a secret right? But I ask “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” & he says yes, so I ask “Do you want me to be your girlfriend…?” & he again says yes, then he adds “I don’t want to fuck anyone else either.” I smirk like a wanker… That was what I wanted from him… I tell him that I want to be his girlfriend, he asks “Like proper this time ? No side partnered dudes? Or sneaking off and having sex with single dudes on the chat app? Or having couples spank you ?” so I reply “Like proper… I am not & haven’t fucked anyone for years… Or been spanked. No tinder. No hinge. No bumble. No dates.” Not that I have been on any of those apps in a long time, well maybe 6-7 months ago but I only met one guy & didn’t even touch him. He says “I’m falling asleep. But I want you to know . I love you so fucking much. And will be thinking of you as I fall asleep,” to which I respond, “I love you Boyfriend.” It feels right to say the word boyfriend. Finally. “I love you too , err girlfriend. You sure about this?” I say that I am but am now worried he is not sure, but he agrees that he is sure about it too, I tell him that “I definitely do… I am not single. I am all yours.” I mean I always was always his. So I guess that’s how #IBD4U ends up in the relationship she’s always wanted, maybe not the conventional relationship we all know & that I dreamed of, but a Phoenix/IBD4U unconventional defined relationship…