April 2025 – Wedding Song
Bonus post for the long weekend!
11 April 2025 – After the fucking crazy conversation yesterday to then becoming boyfriend & girlfriend last night all I get is ‘good morning’ in the morning. I ask if that’s it & he says “Give me a second to wake up weirdo girlfriend.” Which makes me smile like a fuckwit. I tell him that, “I haven’t thought if myself single for a long time… You giving me the bracelet kinda made me realise…” I’d rather know now than later if he is going to ghost me. He says he wouldn’t ghost me over that.
Our conversation is light & easy today – he is telling me about him watching porn & jerking off quickly yesterday morning & his cum hitting him in the face, I think that’s hot but he doesn’t like his cum & he talks a lot about the way I keep making him rub my clit lightly when we fuck, over & over so I cum a few times. I get turned on so I jerk off & video it for him, but say something about his soft dick – he covers it up a lot around me & I’ve never really seen it soft or really paid attention to it soft because of how conscious he is of it but he says, “Na it’s ok. I’m your boyfriend now. You should see it soft.” A couple of things, this surprises me a lot… As if he’ll let me see it because he says he covers it up at home & the other thing, does this mean his wife gets to see if soft?! That makes me sad to think that…
I send him a pic of me sucking my fingers after sending a cumming video, I am wearing my glasses because I can’t see my phone without them anymore & he says that he likes me glasses, “I don’t know why but I thought about Cumming on your face with glasses haha.” Oh he can 100% do that… He hasn’t actually cum on my face that much, maybe once or twice. I know his wife let him do it once, which I try to push from my mind. “I can’t believe saying we are girlfriend and boyfriend turned you on so much.” Well I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 18 years. He says that Max called me his girlfriend, I say “Good on him…. He wasn’t my boyfriend.”
I don’t know why, because we are having a good conversation for the first time in a while, but I ask about their wedding song. Music has been our thing, we listen to lyrics in songs & think of each other, so I want to know what they played at the wedding. If it’s a shitty cheesy song I can be smug that it’s tragic & a total cliché – I also feel like I will know if he picked it or if he helped or if it’s all her… (maybe like when Big married Natasha – the idiot stick figure with no soul on Sex & the City – Carrie knew that Big picked the music.) But if it’s a song that I would pick, I am going to be so hurt & upset, however I need to know because I also do not want that song on my play list, especially when I see him.
When he says he doesn’t remember, I call bullshit! BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! What a load of shit. For someone who shares songs with me, telling me he’s never thought of love songs & didn’t think of me, telling me the most random songs that he thinks of me with, from someone who really looks at lyrics but somehow he can’t remember a song with the woman he supposedly loves & married?? He says that they had generic music at the wedding, & he really can’t remember what the song is, he asks if he should ask his wife, which I think will go down like a lead balloon but it’s his grave, I guess. I don’t believe this for one second that he doesn’t know one fucking song from their wedding. He says that they didn’t have any of the songs he thinks of me in or any papa roach songs, but he can’t remember. Again he’s overcompensating, “I wouldn’t hide it from you , despite what you think. It’s something I would be honest with you about. I don’t have the same songs in my head for you than I do with her. Your the one that is always in my head for a love song. So I must love you more. And it’s been like that for 8 years. Even while we are not talking, or even while we have just been fucking 🤷♂️. I actually can’t remember.” So that makes no sense to me, why wouldn’t you marry the person you love the most? I say I don’t believe him, but on reflection he would’ve just rubbed it in my face like he always does & no doubt he would have probably sent me a YouTube link to the song they had – he doesn’t spare my feelings ever so I guess he wouldn’t on the song either… But I call bullshit & he just keeps saying he doesn’t remember so I say ok, he doesn’t reply so hours later when it’s time for bed, I say goodnight, he says night & that’s it…
12 April 2025 – I sleep like shit, pissed off about the fact he just doesn’t care if I am annoyed or not. He just thinks I don’t believe him so doesn’t talk to me, “I’m so fucking annoyed. I missed chatting to you last night. And you purposely held off thinking I had been holding off. I don’t fucking remember the songs for the wedding. So think what the fuck you want. It’s also fucking frustrating how we can go from one night announcing that you no longer consider yourself single and telling each other we are boyfriend and girlfriend. To not talking at all!!! Grrrrrr.” Well I said ok, he said nothing else, I was pissed off, I am not making it right, I am done trying to make him feel better when I am annoyed. “Well you annoyed yourself cos you didn’t try & talk about anything else…” I say that he would have done the same thing which he agrees “I would of done the same. But would of started a new subject. And stupidly tried to keep a chat going with you. You are more stubborn than me. But sometimes And less stubborn than you used to bw. But sometimes. You are still a stubborn bitch. And I’m a stubborn dick.” I say that he barely talked all day & then got nothing much at night that I just figured he was busy & I wasn’t going to try to make conversation, so bullshit he would try to start another conversation.
He says that he’s available from 8:00pm to 10:30pm every night, which isn’t true but whatever you need to tell yourself mate, “You were not talking to me. So I went along with it. I was not busy. I was being an idiot and checking my phone every 5 minutes! Being a IBD4U.” Not busy eh… Really?! ! “I can’t give you much on Fridays… I’ll try and be more open about that.. I have been telling you over the last few weeks.. Sorry. I should of told you yesterday too. I did message whenever I could I promise !” We’ve had this conversation about Fridays so many times & he says he can’t chat but then chats… But when he doesn’t tell me he can’t chat much, I barely get messages. He’s so backwards, it’s confusing… I am getting sick of waiting around. I know the pattern so I don’t expect much on Fridays anymore but fuck I wish he would communicate better & just be a little more consistent, “If kinda fucked up. I appreciate everything you have done for me the last 8 years tho. I don’t want to take it for granted again…” He still does take it for granted, that won’t ever change, he always will take me for granted as I’m always available to reply when he deems himself bored & not busy to come back online, because it’s all about him, it’s always about him, as always!
I plan in my head, as you know, Monday I am getting stiches out & thinking about an excuse for work to take the afternoon off, but if he’s not coming I won’t take the arvo off. He hasn’t said anything, his usual thing when he can’t do something, doesn’t tell me just waits for me to get pissed off that he can’t come. I ask if he’s coming & he says that he fucked up which week it was so he can’t come this Monday as he’s working till 3:00pm. I say don’t worry I’ll go on my own, not a big deal, I’m used to doing things on my own, I shouldn’t have got excited about him coming with me & planning where we would go for lunch anyway. He senses that I am upset – he says pissed but I’m not pissed, just disappointed. He sends me a photo of the stupid whiteboard with his schedule on it to prove it – which he could have just changed for the photo but that’s just my cynical side, I don’t think he is like that or would bother sparing my feelings by doing that! He said he realised yesterday & I say it’s fine but he could have just told me yesterday so I could make other arrangements. He tells me in future to give him the actual date not just the day so he doesn’t fuck up & asks to see me afterwards, which I say not to worry, it’s not a big deal, just stitches out “IBD4U…. It’s not all good. Don’t be like that… You just said no to competly seeing me basically. I genuinely care for you and wanted to go with you .. Don’t push me away.” Yeah because I am protecting myself, not because I don’t want to see him. I don’t ever want to rely on anyone because this is what they do to you, so I just keep to myself a lot. I say I am just being realistic, which is true & trying (very badly) to hide my disappointment. “I don’t want to make you feel like a fool anymore than I have. It’s not fine to give you hope when I can’t just so you know… I hate fuckin doing that to you. I don’t think it’s fine. I do my best and try hard not to ever give you false hope.” Its my own fault for being a planner when he mentions his schedule, “It’s not … I was scared on letting you down when I realised BTW… I should of said sorry to begin … I meant it … It’s my fault I shouldn’t of given you false hope.” I am just frustrated that he waits till I ask before he tells me that he can’t see me because he was scared to let me down, but makes me feel worse by him not telling me himself, I have to work it out. “I was going to say something today … Please don’t be afraid to ask me… I want to spend time with you where possible. I’m honestly sad I can’t do it.” I don’t want to dwell on this now. I am too disappointed. We barely chat & he goes out for his mums birthday dinner & guess what, he doesn’t tell me he’s going offline but then comes back after I have said goodnight to myself basically & logged off… Typical.
13 April 2025 – Yesterday & today I am working on the AFL gather round in a carpark, it’s boring as batshit but it’s easy money. Our conversation is pretty boring mainly about Plex & how I could do it myself but I say that he loves doing that stuff for me & he says that I love him doing it for me, which is true. I’m sad I’m so far away & can’t see him today. He’s at home until he has to work later in the afternoon, he says “I’m pretending to play a game on my hand held pc like a switch.” So she home then? He has a device he can use to message me on around her… Oh rightio then, fuckwit!! Can’t message on Fridays around her but can message when it suits him, on some device… Clearly on Fridays they have sex, this just solidifies that thought!
We talk about my blog, he is annoyed I told others about it but not him, he forgets that he is the main character & I 100% believe he would hate me & I still don’t understand how he doesn’t hate me for it, considering how much he makes me feel like shit for it, I’m sure he does hate me a little. I have been writing mainly notes of A3v2.0 because I just didn’t know what was happening, but then it turned into more of a journal… “I have a fair bit written… I was inspired to write about the beginning in A3v2.0 cos I was like what the fuck is happening… But not a proper edited blog post, mainly notes & paragraphs.” I didn’t write a lot on 2024 because there was really nothing to write about, we messaged like five times a month & saw each other for an hour & I wasn’t seeing other people. Nothing to write about really. But now there is!
He says I complained about him not giving me a kiss hello when he got in my car, I just think that after all this time, even if we both thought we were just sex to each other that we would kiss hello, which he agrees with “I’m pretty sure you we had both convinced ourselves it was just sex…” I had definitely convinced myself it was just sex. I wanted more I just never imagined he did too. We talk about our friendship & how fucked we are but I think it’s mainly because of our situation. I don’t think that we would have as many problems as we have had, because we are mostly & still are online only. In real life, like if we lived together we wouldn’t fight about a 18 hour unread message or not communicating being online, because he would be living with me…
One insecurity that I don’t understand from him is how often he says that he is not into cars or sports. I don’t know where this comes from or why he thinks I care. I tell him that my family were into ballroom dancing when we were kids so I never grew up with men liking sport & cars, I have no clue why he thinks that he needs to tell me often that he isn’t into either. I do not care. I do not care that he is into computers. He says that its interesting that we never really play with our phones around each other, but honestly, we catch up & fuck, we don’t really have time to just sit around playing with our phones. We also talk about getting close again, he says “I knew if I chatted to you properly. This would happen. I would want you more. Love you more 😐 Want more of you. The distance was there from the start because of this … We clearly have fuckin issues chatting to each other. We had two breaks , and still fell back into it.”
I had sent him the Noodle, Silverlining & Marvel ebooks because I have removed my blog from public view, he can read his story but not anyone else’s. I am sick of hearing about the other men. “It made me realise how much I loved you. Valued My friendship with you. How much I missed you. And how much I took for granted. I never thought of your pov often… I didn’t know how much of a dick you were for me,” What he doesn’t realise is that even though he is putting in effort, he still takes me for granted. He didn’t realise that I rushed home from the gym got ready to chat to him in bed all night, even though I told him that I did that, I think until he read about it that it didn’t really sink in as true. I still do it really, I wait for him to come back online all the time, he just doesn’t realise it. I don’t bother telling him because his response be to tell me not to do it… As I say goodnight, finally on a good note because the last few days haven’t been, I say “I love you so much & missed eveything we had. So I’m glad of eveything we have now. Night Hot Boyfriend.” He says he loves me & goodnight. & I sleep finally for the first time in a few days.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 